Well, here's my sophmore slump..... Mike: Hey everyone, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. Servo has been watching too many soap operas lately. It seems he started watching them on a dare by Crow, and it just blew out of hand... (Tom runs out excited.) Tom: Hey, Mike, guess what? Tina isn't really pregnant!! She has just been lying so she could take Steve away from Laura Mike: Hey, hey. Calm down there. How much sleep have you gotten recently? Tom: Sleep? How can one sleep when the identity of Roger's killer is going to be revealed only days from now? Mike: Listen, we've got a long fanfic coming up, you'd better get a little sleep before we start. (Walks off) Tom: Sleep? Ha! I'm not tired at.... (collapses sound asleep) (Commercials) (Crow quickly awakens Tom. Crow has an eye patch for some odd reason.) Crow: Tom! Tom! Wake up... Tom: (groggy) russ meyer.... (suddenly awake) Huh? Crow: Mike is gone... I can't find him anywhere. Tom: Crow, you have an eye patch. Crow: Well duh. Are you sure you're alright? Tom: (Confused) Um, I'm fine... I think.. hey, is "General Hospital on yet? Crow: I wouldn't know... have you seen Mike? Our smart and witty wisecracks are use- less without him as our dimwitted straight man! Tom: I haven't seen him... have you checked his room? Crow: Oh yeah! I knew there was someplace I forgot to look! (exits) (Gypsy enters) Gypsy: Is he gone? Tom: Hey Gypsy, have you seen Mike? Gypsy: Hush my dear... no words are needed between lovers... Tom: (Really confused) What?? Gypsy: Our love affair must remain a secret. Goodness knows what my husband would think. Tom: Husband!? Gypsy: Yeah, Crow. Tom: Crow's your husband? Gypsy: Quiet.... if he should find out, he would attack you without mercy. You know his temper! Tom: Temper? Gypsy: Yeah, he has had that temper ever since he recovered from his amnesia. Goodbye my love.... (leaves) Tom: How long have I been asleep? (Button flashes.) Maybe Pearl can fill me in. (Instead of Castle Forester, we see a large office building. Pearl is standing in front of a window showing the skyline of the city. She is at some sort of corporate meeting with some of her main employees: Observer, Professor Bobo, Ortega, Puck, and two other anonymous businessmen [played by Bridget Jones and Michael Nelson].) Pearl: When my son, Clayton, died under "mysterious circumstances," (takes a moment to chuckle) I took over this ragtag business and turned it into a media empire!!! I am the richest woman in America according to Fortune 500, and am one of People Magazine's "Ten best dressed evil businesswomen!" Observer: I fail to understand how this relates to anything Pearl: Well, if I'm such an important person, why can't I get a decent cup of coffee? I've drank Publix Cola that tastes better than this! Who made this? Businesswoman (Bridget Jones): I did Mrs. Forester. Pearl: What did you call me? Bridget: Um.... I mean Lawgiver... Pearl: You're fired!!! (Bridget runs off crying) Businessman (Mike): Are you sure that was fair to fire her like that? Pearl: Okay, two points. One, yes it was unfair of me to fire her like that. Two, you're also fired! (laughs) (Mike walks off.) Puck: I simply cannot handle this job anymore! I've worked for the most evil people in history: Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Walt Disney.... but never, and I mean NEVER, have I come across one more difficult to work with you! (walks off) I'm going back to my job at Comedy Central! I gave them "Absolutely Fabulous," they owe me! Pearl: Good riddance. Bobo, Ortega, Brain Guy, you three are the only ones I can trust in the world. (puts on headphones) Now, while I listen to my Billy Squire tape, you go send up the fanfic to the Three Amigos. Observer: (To Bobo) I can't believe this. We do all the actual work around here yet she gets all the money and credit! Bobo: Yeah, and the health care plan sucks, too! Observer: (Holds up box) Luckily we found the perfect way to force her to resign! Bobo: Yeah, then we will rule as co-presidents! Observer: (nervous) Um... yes, exactly.... we'll be "Co"-presidents. (begins to laugh maniacally, then spots Tom) Oh, hello... er.... Red One.... you have a 007 fanfic today! (SoL) Tom: James Bond? Cool. He's impossible to write badly. (Office building) Observer: No, you misunderstand. You are going to be getting a X- Men fanfic by Shera Crawler 007. It's entitled "Sinister Unmasked" and it's a "joke fanfic" of sorts filled with gender changes, jokes that usually don't work, and, of course, self-insertion. Bon appetite! (SoL) Tom: Man, this has been a long host segment. (Crow returns with a mustached Mike.) Crow: I found him... Tom: Hey, like the new look... (button flashes) Oh no, we got fanfic sign! (enter theater) >DISCLAIMER: Cll char. OTHER n all the ones you don't recognize, is >Marvel's, Mike: Hey, I recognize her name... does that mean she is property of Marvel? > God knows why they want em when their gonna try to kill the best >ones off and drop em in Antarctica all the time though. Tom: They're dropped off into "The Land of Misfit Mutants." Crow: So that's what's happened to Mimic, Dazzler, Longshot, and most of the New Mutants! > I ain't making any >moolah off of this, actually I'm living in a cardboard box, Tom: (Shera) I live in a cardboard box, yet I have a computer... Mike: It was a joke Tom. > so it be a little hard >to get any from me. The lint in my pockets is a little lonely and is gonna stay >that way. Crow: She so loves to torture her lint.... > > > Sinister Unmasked! Tom: Mr. Sinister MTV Unmasked Live in New York. Featuring The Residents, Los Straitjackets, Klaatu, and and the Mysterians! > > By Shera Crawler 007 Mike: Crawler. Shera Crawler. > >Sinister was excited even though he didn't show it. Crow: He was always like that the day before Christmas.... > >He finally had a fool proof plan to capture Jean Grey. He had a machine that would >capture her mind, Tom: Unfortunately it was made by ACME, so you have a good idea about how the rest of this story is going to go... > and what the stupid X-men wanted to do with her body was of no >concern to him. Mike: Um... I think is an indication on to where this story is heading. > He just needed a way to lure her here. That was almost too easy. > >He called in his 'Levolents "Go to New York City and kidnap some people and destroy >something. Make sure they know it's you." Crow: They'll leave a monogrammed handkerchief. > He turned back to his new machine as they >filed out. > >It never hurt to double check everything. Tom: Tell that to Ed Wood or Roger Corman... > >The only other person in the room was the 'Levolent that would help him carry out his >evil plan. Arcane sat in a chair in the corner stiff and straight, but she would be more >than willing to help him when the time came. Mike: In the meantime she was content to play with her "Game Boy." > >Cerebro's alarms screeched out in the mansion, bringing all the X-men running to the >computer room to see why. Crow: False alarm, the dog tripped the lasers again... > >They entered the room at a dead run and fell to the floor as their feet slipped out from >under them. They landed in a tangled heap in the floor. Tom: The Keystone X-Men. > >As they were falling Wolverine managed to "accidentally" punch Scott in the mouth. >They struggled for a moment trying to untangle themselves, but it wasn't working. Mike: Evil mutants destroying life as we know it? No biggie. Getting through doors is the real challenge for the X-Men > >Jean finally froze the others telepathically so she could get out from under them and >check Cerebro. The others were still tangled in the doorway. > >"Hey! Wolverine that hurt." Scott's voice was high and squeaky because Crow: He was going through puberty. > Wolverine had >once again "accidentally" kicked him in the crotch. > >"Sorry, bub it was an accident, I meant to hit you here." Wolverine punched him in the >jaw. " Tom: Cyclops and Wolverine: three year olds. > >Hey if you guys would, like, hold still I could get out." They ignored Jubilee Mike: Who wouldn't? > and kept >"accidentally" hitting each other. > >Wolverine managed to hit Cyke on the jaw for the fourth time, and he was sick of it. >"Alright I'm warning you (oof, Wolvie punched him in the stomach), Crow: Is Cyclops saying "oof, Wolvie punched him in the stomach" as an aside or is it just a weird grammar mistake? Tom: (Damned) if (I know.) If you don't quit >(bam in the jaw again) Don't make me hurt you (Pow, in the chest) (Crunch, on the jaw) >"Alright that's it (bam on the jaw)" Mike: Cyclops stars in the Hurricane McNeely story! > Cyke said as he raised his hand to his rose colored >visor Crow: Hey, he really does see the world through rose colored glasses. > ready to blast Wolvie into next week, when he suddenly couldn't move. > >Wolverine managed to punch him on the jaw again before he also froze. > >Jubilee slipped her way to where Jean sat "Man Jean you waxed the floor again didn't >you? That's the third time this week." Tom: The previously unhinted upon "obsessive compulsion disorder" character flaw in Jean Grey > >Jean grinned,"Actually it's the fifth, but who's counting? It's the only thing I do that >those two won't stand around and bug me. And as for you two," Jean's voice was filled >with anger, "until you start acting your age your going to stay on that floor. You should >be ashamed of yourselves, grown men acting like children while the 'Levolents kidnap >innocent people and destroy public property." Mike: (Cyclops) We are not acting like children! Crow: (Jean Grey) Are too! Mike: (Cyclops) Am not! Crow: (Jean Grey) Are too! > >Jubilee quit popping her gum to ask, "Really where?" > >"They are destroying the mall right now." Tom: Jean is remarkably apathetic about this whole kidnapping and destroying thing. > >"NO!! THEY COULDN'T, THEY WOULDN'T NOT THE MALL. We have to get down >there and stop them before they ruin that dress I saw. By the way if the dress is still >there can I get it?" Mike: (singing) Valley Girl... she's a Valley Girl... > >Jean smiled at her, "Yes, but if we don't hurry there won't BE a mall to go to." Crow: No! That would create a serious depletion in All-Year Christmas stores and restaurants that serve only pretzels!!! > >They stood and slipped and slid to the door. Mike: Slip N' Slide? Whatever happened to those? > They stepped over Wolverine and Scott >disdainfully. Jean released them when she was on the other side. They stayed on the >floor glaring at each other trying to decide if they should continue the fight now or later. Tom: (Wolverine) Fight good guy for no particular reason or save lives and property? Decisions, decisions, decisions... > >"If you two don't knock it off and come on I'll...I'll." She paused and smiled sweetly, >"Scott you'll be sleeping outside, and Logan you won't be on any missions for a month >and you'll clean the kitchen for a week." Crow: (Jean) In a pink apron!!! > >Wolverine growled while Scott turned bright red, but they both got up and followed >Jean to the Blackbird. Tom: (singing) Blackbird singing in the dead of night.... > >They got in a shove fight over who got to go in the plane first, and who got to fly it, but >otherwise they straightened up. Mike: Until they began fighting over who would get the window seat! Crow: (Jean) If you guys don't stop, I'm going to turn this car around! > >I love them both, but sometimes they get on my nerves. I just want to abandon them in >some far off country when they get like this, Jean thought to herself. > >The rest of the team wre on vacation in Hawaii, Tom: With the Brady Bunch. > leaving them behind as the emergency >team. When they traded positions and she got to Hawaii she was stealing Logan and >Scott's credit card's and taking Jubilee on a week long shopping trip. That should teach >them. > >Jean couldn't help but hit Scott Crow: My god, the X-Men are going to kill each other before they even reach the bad guys! > (he was the one closest to her) on the head when she saw >what was left of the mall. Mike: The only thing left standing is the organ store... the Malevolents didn't seem to think it was worth the effort to destroy. > >All the people were gone and the mall was a big pile of rubble. Nothing was left >standing. Tom: So, while Wolverine and Cyclops were too busy punching each other... they let an entire building get destroyed. Something is not right. > Jubilee was chewing Wolverine out for wasting time, but she stopped >suddenly in the middle of her lecture to run to the wreckage. Jean held her breath Mike: ... until Cyclops and Wolverine would stop fighting. >hoping she had found a clue, but released it disappointedly when Jubilee returned. Crow: Did she return to save innocents from the broken wreckage of the mall? > >Jubes was holding out a green velvet dress, Crow: Of course she wouldn't save innocents.... she has to get her dress. > and was beside herself with joy, "This is the >dress I told you about, isn't it just, like, the coolest! Where do I pay?". Jean shook her >head. Mike: (Jubilee) This is like, totally groovy to the max, y'know? I mean, this is like, the ultimo-primo, radical dress! Totally! > >"Wait darlin, there's somethin pinned to the front of it." Jean and Jubilee both looked at >him in shock, that was the first sentence he'd said all week that wasn't insulting Scott, or >complaining. Tom: It's that "time of the month" again. > He looked a little embarrassed. > >"It's a note." Scott happily stated the obvious. Mike: (sarcastic) Duh. You couldn't get more obvious, Slim. > >Wolverine glared at him," I think Jubilee would say 'Duh', you couldn't get more >obvious Slim." Mike: Hey!!! > >Jean ignored their bickering and unpinned the note from the dress and attempted to read >it outloud: Crow: Dear Miss Grey, You are cordially invited to a minor scrimmage in Mr. Sinister's headquarters this Thursday at eight p.m. Black tie only. Your evil adversaries, The Malevolents P.S. BYOB > > X-men This iz the Malevolents. We hav cidnaped som peopl. If yu don't > com to 1153 Villain Lane, Evilville, Mike: Oddly enough that's located right next to Plesantville. > New York rite away Sinister wil do > somthin relly bad to them. They won't lik it. We wer the ones that > wreked the mail. The MALEVOLENT'S P.s. Don't bring Jean Grey, she would > beet us. Crow: So... Stephen Ratliff is one of the Malevolents. Makes sense. Tom: Come on, Crow, he hasn't had major spelling mistakes since the first couple of Marissa stories. There's such a thing as ragging too much on a fellow. Crow: No there isn't. > > >Okay, this is Venom, Mike: I thought he was a Spider-Man villain. > unofficial spokesperson for the Malevolent's I just >wanted to tell all you gullible readers out there that all the members of >this group have an extensive education. We have all been through collage, Tom: Was that an intentional mistake, designed as a joke to prove that the Malevolents are stupid, or just a simple spelling mistake? The world will never know. >and many of us are doctors and lawyers. Crow: I don't find it hard to believe that the evil morons were once lawyers. > I find it offensive that just >because we are the "bad guys" we get stuck with the stereotype that we are >stupid. Thank you. Mike: (singing) Faletineme Be Mice Elf Again!!! > >"Wha do you think of it Scott." Jean glanced at her husband when she said this. " > >I think that the Malevolents wreaked the mall, Sinister is on Villains Lane Crow: Which is right next to Lover's Lane, which leads to a large amount of horny teenagers getting murdered. > with the >kidnapped people, and that someone forgot to teach the 'Levolents how to spell." Scott >said all this with a proud, smug superiority. Tom: He said it like Ben Watson? (obscure reference for Zappa fans) > >Wolverine rolled his eyes, and Jean could hear him mumbling something about Scott's >drug addict parents dropping him on his head. Crow: Okay, now the author is just projecting.... (Mike hits Crow.) Crow: Hey!!!! What? Do you think I'm being a little hard on Ms. Crawler? Mike: It was "an accident." > >Now it was her turn to roll her eyes as she turned and walked in the plane. > >She turned around to find Logan and Scott already in a shove fight again. Tom: (Wolverine) Hey, you pushed me first! Mike: (Cyclops) Did not! > Jubilee was >happily singing in the plane's bathroom trying on her new dress. > >Jean walked to the pilot's seat determined to stop the 'Levolents even if no one else >would help her. Crow: Wise decision, I doubt that the two arguing five year olds and the valley girl would be of much help. > >Scott and Logan stared after the plane in shock, they couldn't believe Jean would just >leave them like that. Logan shook his head and glanced at Scott. He was still staring in >shock, with his mouth hanging open. Logan grinned and decided to help him close it, he >sucker punched him on his already bruised and swollen jaw, again. They both quickly >forgot all about Jean leaving, because they were in a knock-out-drag-out fight in no >time. Tom: I get it! This is an X-Men vs. Street Fighter fanfic! > >This is Scott, yeah Scott Summers. I just want all you readers to know that >this story is stupid. Mike: Way to go Scottster! Crow: Score one for Summers. > I'm not really that dumb, Tom: I'm slightly less dumb than that. > and me and Logan have been >best friends for years. He doesn't really like Jean, and she's not my wife, >he's involved with Jubilee, All: (Shudder.) Mike: I would just like to point out the fact that Wolverine is over fifty and Jubilee is about seventeen. > so don't listen to that crazy writer up there. I >think she's the one that got dropped on her head. Crow: See Mike, Cyclops agrees with me and he's the level-headed "just the facts" guy. > >Jean parked the plane on the road in front a huge warehouse Tom: Oh, Sinister is time sharing with Dr. Zac. > type building on Villains >Lane. She knew she was in the right place because of the huge neon sign above the >building that said SINISTER'S LAB in big letters. She walked in cautiously leaving >Jubes in the bathroom still singing her heart out. Mike: She's still singing? What is she singing: MacArthur's Park? Hey Jude? Stairway to Heaven? > She was immediately attacked by the >'Levolents while Sinister stood behind them watching closely. > >There were too many of them, she didn't have a chance... unless... Crow: Is she going to use her amazing amount of telekinetic powers to quickly defeat them? > >"HOLD IT, now didn't you know that before a fight you have to answer one of your >opponents questions?" Crow: ...of course not. That would make since. > >They thought it over for a while then suddenly this big snake-like creature stepped >forward "Answer our question first, Why do we work for Sinister?" Tom: He does have a good dental plan... > >Jean thought frantically, she even tried cheating, but their minds were blocked. Then >she blurted out "Because he let's you stay up past your bedtime." suddenly on impulse. Mike: (Venom) Correct, we can't miss Conan O'Brien, can we? > >Okay that's it this is stupid. Jean looked at the ceiling forlornly I just wnt all >the readers to know that I, Jean Elizabeth Grey, thinks the writer is off >her rocker, Crow: Counterpoints, anyone? (No one says anything.) Crow: Didn't think so. > and if I had a choice I wouldn't star in this story for >anything, please keep in mind that none of this was my idea. Tom: You know it's just going to get stranger when the CHARACTERS start apologizing for the story > And that was >about the stupidest reason I've ever heard > >This is Venom again, and I completely agree with Jean, that reason is absurd >and definitely NOT the truth. Mike: (Venom) Mr. Sinister NEVER let's us up past our bedtimes. > >The snake thing nodded "Correct. Now what is yours?" Crow: (Jean) Who IS Jimmy Ray? Tom: What does God need with a starship? Mike: What weighs more: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? > >She grinned evilly, "What is....one plus one?" Crow: (Malevolent) Eleven? > The 'Levolents paused stood scratching >their heads, thinking. One by one they began to pass out. > >"No, quit thinking you imbeciles." Sinister yelled at them frantically, but he only >confused them more, they began to explode now under the strain. Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the weasels die laughing... saw it in "Roger Rabbit." > >Jean ignored them and stepped toward Sinister. > >"Stay back" he had a box in his hands. Mike: (Sinister) I've got Girl Scout Cookies and I'm NOT afraid to use them! > He smiled at her triumphantly, "Now your mind >is MINE." he said as he pressed a button on the box. Then they both passed out in the >dark warehouse among the exploded bodies of Sinister's 'Levolents. Crow: Sinister REALLY should stop carrying Carbon Monoxide around in a box. > >Okay bub. I've been readin along, and I didn't complain when ya had me >beating the stuffin outta Slim, or even when ya had me had me always >complainin, but what your plannin on doin is the last straw. Ya do it and >I'll be mad, real mad. Consider yerself warned, oh and all ya readers out >there with nothin better tah do, I just want'cha ta know that the writer has >got a screw loose, Crow: Just ONE? Tom: Crow, no personal insults against the author. It's in the FAQ. Crow: Hey, SHE wrote it. > me and Slim are friends, and Jubes don't act like a teen >age airhead in real life so jus ignore all that crap. > >Jean awoke still in the warehouse a few minutes later. She felt disoriented, but >otherwise okay. She looked down at herself and saw...black body armor? And a flat >male chest. Tom: She's died and been reincarnated as a member of Judas Priest. > Okay, she must be dreaming she just needed to calm herself, she bit her >finger, nope she was awake. Mike: And, now, bleeding heavily from her finger. > >She looked up and saw her body a few feet away. Oh God, not this, anything but this. >She stood and looked at the sky and screamed in rage: WHEN I GET MYHANDS ON >YOU, YOU'LL NEVER WRITE AGAIN!!!! All: YAY!!!!! > YOU ARE GONNA REGRET THIS!! I'M >GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR ARMS AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH >THEM!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN A WORLD OF HURT DO YOU HEAR ME >YOUR MINE!! WHEN THIS IS OVER YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER >CHARACTER AGAIN YOU STUPID (BEEPINGBEEPWITHYOUR >BEEPBEEPBEEP.) Crow: This has been a test of the Emergency Fanfic System. If this had been a serious fanfic this beep would be followed by information on how to quickly delete it from your computer. This is was only a test. > >Sinister woke up with a splitting headache. He could hear a grating voice screaming >profanities. Tom: The voice of the reader? > He was going to have to kill whoever it was because they were making his >headache worse. > >Then he remembered what had happened and stood up quickly. He stopped in shock as >he felt something flop on his chest he looked down. Only to see...spandex, and lot's of >it, and breasts,and high-heeled boots. Mike: (Sinister) Oh no, not AGAIN! > >He WAS A WOMAN. Crow: The long awaited Jerry Springer/ X-Men crossover! > >His mind blanked. He had done lot's of things, and had lot's of things done to him, Tom: Especially during his prison years. > but >nothing like THIS! He looked at the screaming man across from him, and realized that >must be Jean Grey, he couldn't help it he giggled (yes giggled) a little, but it turned into >hysterical laughter that wouldn't stop...Jean a MAN! hahaheeheehahaha. A MAN >hahaha. Mike: (Austin Powers) Jean Grey is a MAN, baby! > >He/she was glaring at her/him. He/she couldn't stop laughing though,and Jean took a >menacing step towards him/her. > >"GET OUTTA MY BODY!!!" Crow: (singing) ... and into my car! > She/he screamed at him > >"I can't Jean, the writer won't let us. Don't be so mad it's kinda funny, I mean your a man >and I'm a woman in spandex hahaha." She /he smiled a little, he only giggled again. >Then She/he started laughing too, Tom: These pronouns are giving ME a headache. > and they collapsed onto each other helplessly >laughing. > >A bright light flashed and Jean and Sinister automatically ducked as something >"whished" over their heads. They looked up to see a blinking neon INTERMISSION >sign hanging from the ceiling above them. Everything was deathly quiet. Then the >'Levolent's got up off the floor, and started filing out the door. Crow: I see, they weren't quite dead. > >Jean looked shocked, "Where are you going?" > >The snake thing looked back at her "We're going across the street for a beer, wanna >come?" Mike: (Venom) You should come, it's Ladies Night. Oh, sorry, I forgot. > >Jean smiled weakly, "Um, no thanks. What's going on here?" she asked Sinister who >was still in her body. Tom: (singing) I have been in you, babe.... and you have been in me... > >He/she smiled a little, "An intermission,"he told her pointing at the sign, "That writer >had to get a drink most likely. Mike: I think we all need a drink after this... > We probably have five minutes of free time before she >comes back." Crow: You heard the man... er, woman.... we've got five minutes of free time before she comes back. (exit theater) (Back on the SoL. Mike is drinking a beer while fiddling around with some mechanical stuff and a bottle of nitroglycerin. Crow: Mike, what are you doing? Mike: I'm building some explosives. Tom: Why, may I ask, are you building explosives? Mike: (Lowers voice) I'm plotting to blow up the oil fields. (Tom and Crow stare at each other.) Tom: Okay, okay... who guessed "Season 9" in the "When will the movies drive Mike insane pool?" Crow: Gypsy, I believe. Tom: I'll give her the money later. Mike: What are you guys talking about? Crow: I'll check if he really has lost it. (to Mike) Mike, may I ask you a couple of questions? Mike: Um... sure... Crow: 1. When did you grow that mustache? Mike: Um... during the commercial break in the beginning. My hair grows fast. Crow: I see. 2. WHAT IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHAT OIL FIELDS? WHY DO YOU WANT TO BLOW THEM UP? HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MENTAL?! Mike: I see. I have already revealed too much. (leaves) Tom: Well, he's definitely insane. Crow: Yep. He lasted a long time though. Tom: Yeah, I thought "Parts: The Clonus Horror" would get him for sure. We'll be right back. (to Crow) I like your new look. Crow: The eyepatch? Oh yeah, Calvin Kline just came out with his "Long John Silver" model. (Commercials) (enter theater) >Jean stood there shocked for a moment, then lifted a wondering finger to her new face. >Sliding it down Her/his nose, She/he looked at it and stared in shock. Her/his finger was >now covered in thick oily white makeup. Mike: Jean Grey IS Ed Begley Jr. as The Crow in the Kabuki version of "The Marcel Marceau Story." > Her/his hands rose to the red diamond on >Her/his forehead, feeling the edges. It peeled away easily. She/he stared at Sinister >curiously. > >He/she shrugged "For my image." was his explanation. Tom: He got the idea from Spider-Gwen. Mike: Spider-Who?! Tom: Spider-Gwen... Gwen Stefani as Spider-Man? Don't you remember, Mike? Mike: (nervously) Oh... yeah... THAT Spider-Gwen. > >"Is there a bathroom around here?" > >He pointed to the back, "Third door to the right." Crow: "Sinister Unmasked," the fanfic that DARES to anwer the question: "Is there a bathroom around here?" > She turned and hurried to the back. >Sinister just rolled his eyes and went to look for a mirror. Mike: Ewww.. now Sinister is checking himself out.... > >Meanwhile just outside: > >Logan and Scott had just Tom: ....pulled into Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. > arrived when the intermission hit. > >They were both tired from their long run to get here in time, their spandex outfits were >dark with sweat. Crow: At least, they hoped it was just sweat. > They leaned against the plane to catch their breath. > >Logan shook his head, "I'm gettin too old fer this, Slim." Cyke just nodded. Mike: Bad Sign While Reading a Fanfic #682: When the author begins to use "Con Air" dialogue. > >Jubilee walked out of the plane and looked the two men over. "You know if it hadn't >been for the intermission you two would have been late." When they didn't respond she >sighed and sauntered over to where Wolverine sat on the ground gasping for breath, and >plopped down on his lap and kissed him. " Tom: Pedophillia... that's what this fanfic needs more of.... > >Your ruinin that dress." He told her. She rolled her eyes > >"I love you enough to ruin a few dresses, and besides I hate this one." Crow: Well, if you hate it why did you grab it instead of saving people trapped in rubble? > >"Oh" was the only response. > >"So you guys ran the whole way?" She continued as they nodded,"you could have just >taken the jeep, I parked it behind the plane. I knew you'd need it." Mike: (muted trombone) Wah-wah-WAAAHHHH.... > >They groaned and Scott hit the plane then fell to the ground, clutching his hand and >screaming in pain. "I broke my *beeping* hand." Tom: I'm glad this fanfic sets straight the popular misconception that Cyclops is the intelligent, capable leader. > >Jubes laughed softly at him "You shouldn't have hit the plane, you dummy." Crow: Has she been possessed by the spirit of Fred Sanford? > She stood >suddenly straightening out the dress that now had wet patches from Wolverine. Mike: WET PATCHES? (gets up to leave) I'm going to get another drink. > "Let's go >have a beer before anymore of this torture." Mike: Here here... (leaves) Crow: Doesn't he remember that Pearl cuts off the oxygen? > >They walked slowly into the bar, which was crowded with the 'Levolent's and a big >group of one foot tall orange and purple colored unicorns sitting on bar stools smoking >cigars, and drinking whiskey. (Mike returns coughing.) Mike: She turns the oxygen off... Tom: Mike, are you feeling okay? You don't have a tumor or anything, do you? > >Scott walked up to the nearest one "You know this bar is only for HER (the writer) >characters, you aren't in this story later are you?" He was holding his broken hand and >praying to any God that would listen. Crow: Try X'ivk'ogoogoo the ancient Hindu god of half-decent fanfics. Tom: He isn't very busy is he? Crow: Yeah, he doesn't have much to be god over. > >"No" was the musical reply and he sighed with relief. "No we're in the sequel, just >thought we'd come see our costars, we'll be leaving now." And with that the thirty or so >unicorns trotted out, all with cigars clenched between their teeth. Mike: Unicorns? What did I miss? (groans) I knew I drank too much. > >Scott sagged against the bar, " Oh Lord, just shoot me." Crow: US FIRST!!!! > >Wolverine patted his arm sympathetically and shook his head, "If that's the SEQUEL I >don't want to know what's coming next." They all groaned and ordered beers, planning >on having a good time until the INTERMISSION ended. Tom: So, the good times are during this intermission? Oh boy... > >Jean came out of the bathroom after a short while, and Sinister turned to find his body >without any makeup. Mike: You know, that may be bad news for Sinister. When Kiss did that, they lost all of their popularity. > >She/he smiled at Him/her and ticked things off on her fingers: "Face makeup, contacts, >stickon red diamond, built up suit of armor, colored hair, all fake." Crow: Prosthetic arm, toupee, peg-leg, glass eye, artificial heart, silver tongue, dentures, facelifts, liposuction, plastic surgery... the works. > >He/she only nodded and studied himself. He wasn't a small man, but he wasn't as >muscular as the suit made him. He had plain blue eyes and brown hair, nothing dramatic >or fear inspiring about that. His complexion was tanned with no unsightly blemishes >(such as a red diamond), he was really quite normal looking. Tom: Of course there WAS that hunchback... > >He glared at her, "Your one to talk, these aren't even real" he said this cupping His/her >over-ample bosom. > >"Well it's easier to handle, at least I didn't get implants like a certain Southern Belle I >know." Mike: They're not implants... but they aren't real.... I don't follow. Crow: I think she created a mental illusion with her psychic powers. > >He nodded, conceding the point. "What color is your hair really, Jean?" > >Jean thought hard for a moment, "Um, I think blond, It's been awhile though." Tom: If she can't remember her own hair color she MUST be a blonde. > >Sinister glanced at a wall clock "Oh my, look at the time, the writer will be back soon. >Quick go put my makeup back on." > >Jean ran for the bathroom. Mike: (Jean) If only Mr. Sinister hadn't ate at Taco Bell... > >Jean returned and his body looked like normal, maybe even a little better. "Um, one >more question Sinister-" > >She paused as he interrupted her, "Please, call me Jon. My real name is Jonathan >Essex." Crow: "Sinister" is actually is his middle name. > >"Okay Jon, what are these strap thingies on your back?" Tom: (Sinister) It keeps my corset strapped on tight.... don't ask. > >He paused, then said sullenly "A cape." he scowled as she started laughing. "Look," he >was trying anything to distract her, "we could trade back until the writer gets back." Mike: (singing) Gets Back! Gets Back! Gets back to where she once belonged! Crow: Get back, Shera! > >She stopped laughing and nodded, they both concentrated awhile. After a moment of >disorientation Jean sighed, "I love my body...no offense." Tom: (Jean) No offense but I find your body hideous and repulsive. > >He nodded absently, trying to discreetly remove the cape, and not doing a very good job >of it. Crow: His machines go haywire and cause gender transfers, he hires incompetent morons as his henchmen, and he doesn't even know how to get his own cape off.... yet Mr. Sinister remains an evil mastermind. > She smiled slightly when she saw what he was doing and stepped behind him to >reach the clasp he was having so much trouble with. When it finally came lose he tossed >the bundle of shredded leather in a corner and turned to face Jean. > >He paused a moment uncertain of himself, "You know Jean, I really like you...for you >that is, not your, um, looks." She smiled at him and stepped closer. Mike: (Awkward teenager voice) I really think you're neat-o... > >She couldn't believe this, but then, losing herself in his warm blue eyes, Crow: Which, of course, were really her own eyes... I'm confused. > maybe she >could. "I forgot the contacts." she said softly, barely above a whisper. > >He mumbled something and bent down to kiss her passionately, and was pleasantly >surprised when she returned it with equal, possibly even more, passion. They broke >away. om: (disgusted) This is the equivalent of kissing yourself. How gross can you get? Crow: I don't know... I think I'm sorta cute in a rugged sort of fashion. (Mike and Tom stare at him) Crow: What'd I say? > >"I think I could fall in love with you so easily, if you gave me a chance, that is." Well >that was brilliant Sinny, chase her off by getting to serious. And in the middle of a job >no less. Mike: (Sinister) I love you so deeply, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you. Nothing personal. > >But he knew he would never have gotten the courage otherwise. He couldn't think any >more, standing this close to her was to much for him. He bent to kiss her again. They >didn't even notice the slightly worse for wear 'Levolents file back in and lay down on the >floor around them, dead again. Tom: My fear of death is alleviated by the newly learned fact that you get coffee breaks. > INTERMISSION OVER IN 4..3..2..1.. > > >Wolverine and Scott bust down the door ready to fight Sinister off Jean as usual, not >ready for the shock of them lip locked. Crow: And, as it often goes, the so-called heroes don't accomplish anything. > >They looked at Jean and Sinister making out in the middle of the exploded bodies of the >long dead 'Levolents and...just...stared. > >"Alright that's it, Jean, Sinny, break it up." Wolverine growled, a disgusted look on his >face. Mike: (Irish Cop) Aye... you'd better be goin' on home now... ahh yee crazy kids. > >Jean and Sinister stopped and looked expectantly back at Wolverine. Tom: (Sinister) What? Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends, Jean? > >"Okay, I know Sinny has been waiting for this for years, but I don't want to watch you >make out in this stupid story. Now Jean start fighten him." Tom: Changed my mind, Wolverine is now my favorite character. > >Sinister looked at him, "But I'm Jean." > >Jean looked up, "I'm Sinister, imbecile." > >Arcane jumped up out of the corner she'd been in the whole time, and not to be outdone >screamed "Yeah and I'm...I'm...I'm APOCALYPSE, yeah that's it I'm Apocalypse, haha." Mike: So... Arcane's been waiting there since the beginning of the fanfic, just so she could say that ONE line. Crow: But it's her only line!!! > >Wolverine shook his head, "Darlin' ya need ta cut back on tha sugar. I warned that >screwy writer, the body switch is low, a little to low to put up with, and she did it >anyway. It's time to put an end ta this." Crow: Here, here!!! > The rest nodded solemnly, concentrated, and >then a bright white light flashed. Tom: Come into the light... > >The rest of the team came home after their week long vacation expecting the four they'd >left behind to be dying for a vacation, Mike: Or at the very least, just plain dying... > but instead they found them and ....SINISTER all >crowded around Cerebro. Crow: That "GoldenEye" game can get pretty addicting. > >Screams could be heard emanating from the computers speakers and they were all >laughing. Tom: They're playing their Cannibal Corpse CDs at full volume again. > >"What are ya'll doin?" Rogue asked curious, she hadn't seen them all buddy-buddy in a >while. Mike: Rogue is used to them always arguing and "accidentally" punching each other as evil villains destroy everything. > >Wolverine looked up with an unusually happy grin, and said "Oh just getting a little >revenge." He laughed at a particularly loud scream > >"No NO NOT THAT NOT THE BODY SWITCH NOO I WASN'T THAT BAD!!!" > >"Is that tha writer?" at Wolverine's nod she grinned evilly. "Hey I have a few ideas...." Crow: That's a happy ending! The writer gets tortured!!! Tom: Crow, don't be so cruel. Crow: Hey, Agent double-oh-seven here wrote it. I'm just approving her story! > > >No one was hurt in the writing of this story, Mike: With the possible exception of the readers. > the 'Levolents didn't really die, and the >writer doesn't count. Pece, save the whales, and remember Switching peoples bodies >around without their permission is rude, Crow: Try telling that to Dudley Moore, Cybill Sheppard, or Fred Savage. > and may have painful results. Thank You.- Jean >E. Grey/Essex Mike: (singing) EssexessexessexESSEX!!! I'm Shattered! (Exit theater. Commercials.)