Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Number 10! And, by popular demand, it's a Beast Wars Fic. And it will seem disturbingly familiar to you, but you're not sure why... "Slasher Red" is copyright 1999 by Sta... er Slasher Red Beast Wars is copyright Hasbro/Kenner/Tankara or something like that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the middle distant future, About 300 years from now. Three Preadacons went for a ride, Into outer space.. But Galvy has a special plan, To trap them up there, man, And now they are stuck up there, With no way down. [Blackarachnia: Get me outta here!] [Galvatron singing now] I'll send them crappy transfics, The worst that I can find, [La La La] I'll force them to watch them all, And they'll go out of their minds! [La la la] [Return to original singers] Keep in mind they can't control, Where the fanfic begins or ends. [La La La] And the only way to keep sanity, Is to riff how bad fanfics can be... PREDACON ROLL CALL Cyberbee (Can't see me!) Blackarachnia (Get me outa here!) Quickstrike (Anything for you, Sugarbot!) IINNFFEERRNNOO (BUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNN!) If you are wondering how they survive, Eat, transform and other stuff. (La La La) Just repeat to yourself "It's Just a MSTing Isn't that good enough?". For Mystery Preadacon Theater 3000 [Guitar Twang] Deathasurus stared his opponent down across the ruined battlefied. Overlord stared straight back at him. He grinned, sure of his victory. Overlord's armour was batterd and scorched, and he was visibly weakened. Deathasaurus was hardly even damaged. Overlord managed to pick himself up and charged at his foe, firing particle beams from his twin rifles. Deathasurus nimbly dodged the deadly beams, and replied with his own cannons. The hits staggred Overlord, but he managed to stay upright. Deathasurus ran at his foe now, and grabbed him. Overolrd struggled breifly, but was slammed down hard to the ground. Deathasurus wasted no time. He lept into the air and dtransformed into his massive dragon form and spread his wings. The energy collecters in them soaked up power, and began to charge his systems. "OBLITORATO LAY!" he called out as the twin beams of power lept from his wings. Overlord staggered to his feet, only to be struck dead in the chest. The results were dramatic - his body turned entirly to grey, then slowly crubled to dust. Deathasurus landed, transformed and posed for the camera. A disembodied voice cried out "VICTOLY!" [SoP Bridge. Quickstrike and Inferno are at the console using a Playstation. Blackarachnia is reading a magazine] Quickstrike: Allrighty! Eight rounds to nothing! Inferno: [Mutters under his breath] Blackarachnia: You two spend way too much time on that thing. [Ads - Monday Night Biffo] [SoP Bridge. The Mads light flashes] Blackarachnia: You had better stop for now. Exeter and Braak are calling. Inferno: But I'm winning for a change. Blackarachnia: Now. Inferno: Allright. [He switches off the PlayStation. Blackarachnia switches on the console. Galvatron and Megastom appear, grinning more than ever.] Galvatron: So... How are my little pets doing today? Ready for the first day of the reighn of terror? Blackarachnia: We're not scared. Really. Galvatron: Well be scared! Quickstrike: Whatever. Galvatron: So now that we have gotten the menacing out of the way, what do you have for me today? Quickstrike: Take a look. [On screen - an anmie-style opening sequence with loud music and mismatching words. The scenes include The SoP, Quickstrike weilding a huge beam sword, Inferno flying and firing a flamethrower in each hand and a buxom Blackarachnia firing a huge energy blast from her hands. It ends with pics of Glavatron, Megastorm, Star Ruby, Eleven and the Gobots, as well as a Japanese title.] Galvatron: Yes. So what is it? Inferno: It's the pilot of our animie series, "Super Mystery Theatre Predacon Lifeforce 3000". Galvatron: Not funny. Blackarachnia: I was rather unimpressed by Quickstrike's redesign of my chest myself. [Darkside 13] Galvatron: Once again, you three amaze me with your uselessness. But my invention will leave you in awe of the evil I am capable of. Quickstrike: So what have you done to that thing this time? [Megastorm enters with the Hollywoodiser. It has a fire axe imbedded in one side] Megastorm: It's really gonna get ya this time. Galvatron: Indeed. Allow me to present - The Cartooniser. Megastorm: Get this. Ya feed something in one end, and it throws a crappy Saturday Morning Caroon out the other. Galvatron: Shut up, Megastorm. Megastorm: Shutting up. Galvatron: I have here a few issues of Jim Lee's "Wildcats". One of the better comics in Image's line-up. I feed it in this end... [The machine buzzes, whirrs and belches smoke. A videotape pops out the other end.] Now let's see... Crappy animation, one-dimensional characters, weak plot, predictable epsiodes, terrible characterisation and stock dialouge. It's perfect! Blackarachnia: Yes, it's all good and evil, but it's been done. There was a Wildcats cartoon, and it was just as you describe. Quickstrike: Yeah. They even made the babes look ugly. Galvatron: But that's not all it can handle! Look at this - [He holds up several Gobot toys] I thow these into the machine [Makes noises, spits out tape]. Let's see... Idiodic characterisation, terrible character designs, feeble plots, very cheap animation, terrible continutiy and two annoying kids. Blackarachnia: Um... That's nice, but it's been done. Glavatron: Poopie. Megastorm: Ooh! Try this - a tape of the Animie series "Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon". One of my personal favourites. I thow it in this end... And I get a cut-down version with one-dimensional characters, trite dialouge, clipped footage and a moral lecture added to the end of each episode. Blackarachnia: There's our token DiC joke. Quickstrike: Seen it. Hated it. Galvatron: Right. That does it. This- [Holds up a box with a picture of a dragon on it] - is the original basic Dungeons & Dragons set. Blackarachnia: You wouldn't. Galvatron: I would. Quickstrike: You are evil. Glavatron: Thankyou. [SoP Bridge] Galvatron: And now for the promised day one of the Reign of Terror. I'm gonna start off by dropping you in the deep end. Tell them, Megastorm. Megastorm: Get this. He's going traight for the heart today with a Beast Wars fic. Get this - it's a self insertion by the title of Slasher Red. Glavatron: That's right. Now you three will get in there and you will go mad. And remember - if you don't crack today, you will eventually. Bush the button, Megastorm. Megastorm: Pushing the button, sir. [He pushes the button] Quickstrike: We got Transfic Sign! [They run around panicking] [Door sequence!] [Door 5 - It's a Catflap. You crawl through it] [Door 4 - A garage door. You blip it with the remote, then open it manually when that fails] [Door 3 - An elevator door. You push the button and it opens] [Door 2 - A revolving door. You go round a few times then proceed] [Door 1 - A vault door. It's unlockled] [Inferno walks in, rips the back off a seat and sits down. Blackarachnia sits down next to him, and Quickstrike next to her] > Slasher Red > By Slasher Red Quickstrike: Well that's getting off to a good start. Inferno: I wonder if it's a SI... > A stasis pod falls out of orbit it lands a few kilometres away from the > Maximal Base. > Rhinox detects it on the monitor. Blackarachnia: Well, there's the plot. > "Optimus Primal, another stasis pod has landed on the planet it is ten > kilometres from this base. Inferno: Don't bother telling him that. He can just read it on the narration. Blackarachnia: There's the pod, so where's the punctuation? > We have a sporting chance to beat the Predacons to the pod." Quickstrike [Primal]: I want it for my collection. Blackarachnia: They need the protoform inside to stay ahead in the Avatar race. > "Excellent Rhinox, I will send Dinobot and Rattrap to find the pod. Those > two are getting on my nerves today. Quickstrike: And Scot McNeil's. > They are restless and at each others throats as usual. Blackarachnia: So send them out on patrol allready! > Looking for the stasis pod should give us a break and > make those two smarten up." Inferno: Especially if it's female. > A few minutes later, Optimus Primal has a short meeting with Dinobot and > Rattrap. Inferno: Who has the minutes of last week's meeting? > "Dinobot and Rattrap, a stasis pod has landed ten kilometres away from our > base. Quickstrike: Just to repeat the plot in case you'd forgotten... > I am sending you to find the Maximal and bring him or her back to base." Inferno [Primal]: And get some milk while you're there. > "I have to team up with chopper face! No way." Blackarachnia: Yet another remake of the Odd Couple. > "Shut up vermin.", snarls Dinobot. Blackarachnia: Wake me when something original happens. > "Will you both shut up. I gave you a direct order. Go and rescue the > pod before the Predacon’s find it. We can not allow Megatron to steal > that pod and create another Predacon." Quickstrike: Just to repeat the repeat of the plot in case you'd forgotten... > Dinobot and Rattrap leave the Maximal base. They walk in the direction > Rhinox told them the stasis pod landed. Inferno: Look for the big red spot. > Dinobot grins because there is tall grass in the direction they are going. Blackarachnia: Boy. Does this ever reek of a set-up or what? > He loves the idea of ambushing his ex-team mates. Quickstrike: He was allways the joker of the team. > Dinobot grins slyly at the thought of doing battle. Inferno: At last! Some action! > Scorponok detects the stasis pod. Inferno [Scorponok]: Oh look! There it was all along! > "Megatron, a stasis pod has landed > about ten kilometres away from the Maximal base. Quickstrike: Just to repeat the repeat of the repeat of the plot- Blackarachnia: Allright! > Megatron sees the blip > on the computer. "Scorponok I am sending you and Blackarachnia to seize > that pod. The Maximals must not get it." Inferno: The plot's moving with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Blackarachnia: What plot? Inferno: Point. > Scorponok and Blackarachnia rush in the direction of the pod. They notice > the tall grass. Qucikstrike [Dinobot]: Pay no attention to the Maximals lurking over here. We're just an innocent huge rat and velociraptor minding their own business. > "Oh perfect, we can ambush any Maximal that tries to steal > the stasis pod from us." , says Blackarachnia. Blackarachnia: This would be funny elswhere. > The stasis pod is active. It does a scan in the area to find a suitable > form for its passenger. Qucikstrike: Too bad it settled on a stink bug. > The passenger is a female Maximal known as Slasher > Red. She is a Maximal by nature, but she is a Predacon in spirit. Quickstrike: One hell of a personality problem. Blackarachnia: Never mind that the pod would contain an unnamed protoform... > "Scan is complete, you are ready to leave the stasis pod Slasher Red." > I wake up from my long slumber. Quickstrike: Woah! Perspective change! Blackarachnia: Seems familliar somehow... > I open the stasis pod and climb out. I > take a look around and notice a pond. I look at my reflection. I am a > beautiful blue, silver and gold female humanoid. I grin because I remember > my looks. I notice that I have long sharp teeth in my mouth. I grin because > I am still a hunter. I admire my weapons. Qucikstrike: A Nerf gun and a ping-pong ball. > I notice that I have an electro > sword, a hand held rotary blade and that I can still shoot with my optics. > I feel a power surge my body returns to its beast form. I notice right away > that I am a Velociraptor. In that mode I have huge sickle clawed feet and > hands. I am orange with red stripes on my body. Inferno: In other words, a female version of Dinobot. Blackarachnia: I just can't put my finger on it. > I grin slyly because I am very fierce looking. All [Tim the Enchanter]: With Nasty Big Pointy Teeth! > I love my new beast mode. Blackarachnia: This all seems very familliar... Inferno: Um, what are Dinobot and Rattrap doing all this time? > I sense footfalls heading in my direction. I quickly crouch low in the > grass. I am not sure what I will encounter on this unusual planet. Quickstrike: You should keep your towel handy. > I rely on my sense of vision and smell. I smell a pair of arachnids. Inferno: Spider-Man and The Scorpion? Qucikstrike: The Spider God and Lolth the Demon Queen? Blackarachnia: Una Von Rayxe and Natasha Kerensky? Inferno: Obscure. > I > snarl because I hate spiders. I realise that the intruders are Predacon’s. Quickstrike: Preadacon's whats? > I vault out of my hiding spot. Inferno: Slasher's going for the gold in the vault! > "Slasher Red, Maximize.", I snarl while > in mid air. I land on my feet in warrior mode. My hand held rotary blade > is turning Quickstrike: The salad-spinner of doom. > and I have my optics glowing. All [Zombies]: Pink Eye! > I am ready to do battle. Inferno: Round one. Fight! > The pair of Predacons are surprised to see an unknown Maximal woman > warrior. I fire my eye beams at Blackarachnia’s legs. She is not bothered by > my assault. Blackarachnia: Your aim's that good, lady. > She can fight me in robot mode. Blackarachnia tries to kick me > but I am a very fast warrior. Quickstrike: One of the first duties of an SI is to beat somone up. > I grab her foot and throw her. "I dislike > spiders, especially black widows." I point my sword at her throat. > "Predacon prepare to die." Blackarachnia: Why don't I ever get to kick butt in any of these fight scenes? > Scorponok decides to sneak up on me. I whirl around and give him a > roundhouse kick to the head. It knocks him out. Blackarachnia: Knocks Scorponock out? You'd just end up with a sore foot! Quickstrike: Obviously she studies Koopa-Style Martial Arts. > "Didn’t anyone ever tell > you that it is rude to sneak up on a lady?" Blackarachnia is not > helpless. She manages to sting me with her venom. Quickstrike: Sucker. > I collapse onto my > back paralyzed by Blackarachnia’s venom. "Ha, ha , ha, All [Baddly-dubbed]: Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. > Maximal. Didn’t > someone ever tell you never to turn your back on the enemy. Prepare to > die Maximal." Inferno [Badly dubbed]: You die now. Blackarachnia: Dialouge by the Hong Kong subtitlers. > "Go stick it in neutral you PREDABITCH I am happy the way I am. Grrrr > you will not convert me." Blackarachnia: Hello? I said that she would die, not be converted into a Preadacon! Listen to me for a change! > I know the odds are against me but I am still a fighter. > Dinobot and Rattrap show up. Inferno: What were they doing? Watching all this? Quickstrike: Rattrap had money on her. > They watch me fight Blackarachnia and Scorponok all by myself. Quickstrike [Rattrap]: Think we should help? Inferno [Dinobot]: She's an avatar. She'll be fine. > Dinobot grins because I am beautiful and deadly. > He admires my warrior nature and that I am a Velociraptor like him. Blackarachnia: Oh no. It couldn't be... > Dinobot snarls when I am taken down by Blackarachnia. Quickstrike: Ugh. Hot... Er... I'd better not. Blackarachnia: Good boy. Qucikstrike: You can put down the gun now. > He runs full tilt > in beast mode and shouts "Dinobot, Maximize" Rattrap joins Dinobot too. > "Rattrap, Maximize." > Blackarachnia is ready to battle the attackers. Dinobot uses his rotary > blade and sword to fight. He also uses his eye lasers at my assaulter. Inferno: These fight scenes are awesome. Quickstrike: Really? Inferno: No. > Rattrap carries me out of the area to a safer place Inferno: Over in the garbage compactor. > when Dinobot is diverting Blackarachnia’s attention. Inferno: By waving a pic of Silverbot at her. Blackarachnia: Grrr... > Dinobot sees Rattrap’s thumbs up signal. Blackarachnia: Slasher saw his middle finger up signal. > He returns to Beast mode and > leaves the area fast because he is worried about me. Dinobot lifts me up > and carries me to Maximal base. I open my optics. I notice a cute looking > Maximal carrying me. Inferno: She's obviously delusional. > I smile because he is a Velociraptor like I am. Blackarachnia: Maybe we'll get lucky and this turns out like "Double Dinobot." Inferno: You're dark. Blackarachnia: And loving it. > Rattrap stays quiet Inferno: A calander event. > because he never seen Dinobot care for a Maximal > before. He just knows that a wisecrack at the moment is not a good idea. > "Dinobot, what is her name?" I stare at Rattrap. "My name is Slasher Red Blackarachnia [Slasher Red as Forrest Gump]: But you may call me Slasher Red. > rodent." Dinobot grins because I am able to speak again. > I look at Dinobot. "What is your name handsome?" Rattrap rolls his > optics because I think that Dinobot is handsome. Inferno: Yeah. She's delusional. > "Puleeze, spare me that > nonsense. Chopper face is not good looking." Quickstrike: Listen to the rat! He knows what he's saying! > Dinobot and I glare at Rattrap. All: Shut up, Rattrap! > "My name is Dinobot, Slasher Red. Ignore > that vermin he has a way of annoying Maximals and in my case ex-Predacon > warrior." Inferno: What did he just say? Blackarachnia: I have no idea. > I grin at Dinobot because he is a Predacon worth noticing. Blackarachnia: Maybe she'll make the mistake of not noticing Rampage... > I close my optics again because I am in pain. All: You're not the only one! > Dinobot hears me groan. He runs full speed to the base. Rattrap has a > hard time keeping up with Dinobot. Quickstrike: Gotta knock off the donuts there, rat-boy. > Dinobot places me into the CR chamber to recover. Optimus Primal and the > other Maximals are amazed to see Dinobot helping a woman. They thought he > was uncomfortable around them. Air Razor sighs because the sight was so > romantic. Blackarachnia: Great. The Avatar effect is spreading. Not all us females are this... stroppy. Inferno: You're right. It is familliar. > "Dinobot, what is your lady friend’s name." Blackarachnia: Who said that? Inferno: And where did their question mark go? > Dinobot looks at his teammates. "Her name is Slasher Red." Quickstrike: Learn to feel the pain. > Rattrap puts in his two cents. "Yeah, Chopper > face is in love with that lady. > She is an exact replica of his beast form." Dinobot growls at Rattrap. > "Shut up vermin and mind your own business. I was only helping a Maximal > in need." Inferno: Yeah yeah. That's what they all say. > The CR chamber opens and I walk out. I take a look at all of my team mates. > I grin Inferno: Lot of grinning going on in this fic. Quickstrike: Kinda like "From the Ashes..." > because Dinobot is good looking in his blue and silver humanoid form. Blackarachnia: And orange and brown. But never mind. Inferno: Maybe it's a rare colour variation that the collectors snapped up. > I introduce myself to the Maximals. "My name is Slasher Red, but I love > being called Red for short. Quickstrike: The name's Red, Slasher Red. > I am a warrior and love to tear the Preds to > shreds." I grin at my last remark. Quickstrike: We're laughing. Really. > Optimus Primal and the others welcome me to the team. Inferno [Primal]: Your room's third on the left, just past Cambry's. Xena will fill you in on anything you need to know. And the Brek sisters are cooking tonight. > In the evening I go out for a walk near Maximal base. Dinobot is with me. Inferno: He's gonna push her off a cliff while no-one's looking. > He hands me some flowers > he just picked for me. "These are for you Red." Blackarachnia: That little joker... He's gotten her some of the plants from "Other Visits". > I gladly accept Dinobot’s > present. We watch the sunset. I smile because I feel safe with Dinobot. I > kiss him on the cheek. Inferno: Dinobot takes it up a notch! > Dinobot blinks his optics at me in surprise because > he never got kissed before. He returns the gesture. Quickstrike: Insufficient postage. > We fall in love with each other the very same night. We admire the stars. Blackarachnia: You do that Uranus joke once more and I will kill you. Got it? Quickstrike: Got it. > What does the future hold for us? Only time will tell. Blackarachnia: And season two. > THE END Inferno: In case you hadn't noticed: Slasher Red. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > If you liked "Slasher Red" by Slasher Red (also known as Star Ruby), Blackarachnia: Aaaak! That's it! Inferno: She's writing Beast Wars fics! Qucikstrike: We're doomed! > e-mail her. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Back [They all get up and leave] [Door 1 - A vault door. It's unlockled] [Door 2 - A revolving door. You go round a few times then proceed] [Door 3 - An elevator door. You push the button and it opens] [Door 4 - A garage door. You blip it with the remote, then open it manually when that fails] [Door 5 - It's a Catflap. You crawl through it] [SoP Bridge. There's a letter on the console] Blackarachnia: Oh look. We got a fanmail from Mitch! Quivkstrike: How do you know it's gonna be him. Blackarachnia: We'll see. [Opens it] > To the Predacons, > This is Mitch. Blackarachnia: Told you. > I know this is a little late, but I read the MSTing > of "The Time Tunnel" and I hope you do more MSTings involving Beast Wars > in the future (as apposed to ones about the original Transformers. Until > recently, you didn't exactly give them equal time). Inferno: Thanks for giving the mads ideas, Mitch. > Anyway, I would like > Cy-Kill and Coptur to return when possable please. Thanks. Mitch > P.S.: I hope I didn't scare you too much about that idea I hinted at last > time;) Quickstrike: Only half to death. Try harder next time. [The console light flashes] Inferno: Well, now the Stupid Brothers are calling. [Megastorm is sitting down, watching the TV.] Megastorm: Oh... You guys should see this. It's the Incredible Hulk, and The Leader sounds *so* funny! Blackarachnia: Ah... That's nice. Where's Galvatron? Megastorm: He should be along in a second... [Galvatron enters, mashing buttons on a calculator] Galvatron: Factoring in Pi... Dividing by the square root of 27... Adding a couple of random numbers... Means we get... Three barking mad Predacons! [He turns to face the screen] Am I right or am I right? Inferno: Wrong. Quickstrike: Very wrong. Blackarachnia: Brimming over with wrongability. Galvatron: Do tell. Blackarachnia: Well, unleashing Star Ruby in a Beast Wars fic was a novel touch. It's just that there was very little in that fic that we hadn't seen before. Block paragraphs, run on sentances, Star Ruby's usual stroppy characterisation, you name it, we've seen it. Qucikstrike: Yeah. And just we nwe thought it would be getting bad, it ended. Inferno: Yeah. Short fics don't work. Galvatron: Really... Quickstrike: Great going, ant-boy. Glavatron: Too short. That gives me an idea or two... Megastorm: Hey... How about [Galvatron hits him on the head]. Galvatron: Never mention that. Got it. Megastorm: Got it. Blackarachnia: Oh-oh. Galvatron: I'll leave you to think about it for a while. Push the button Megastorm. Megastorm: Pushing the button, boss. [He pushes the button] [The screen goes blank] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Editor's notes. Deathasurus and Overlord were both Japanese-exclusive Destron (Decepticon) characters. (Although Overlord later was re-released in the UK). Overlord was one of the main villains of the Japanese Transformers: Masterforce series, whereas Deathasuarus (also given as Desarus or Dezarus) was the Destron leader in Transformers: Victory. I just thought that they would look cool in a fighting game. Next experiment - another Best Wars fic! See you there! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Blackarachnia, Inferno and Quickstrike are copyright 1995-1999 Hasbro/Kenner. Galvatron and Megastorm are copyright 1996-1999 Tankara. Elmer Studios!: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm All of Elmer Studios' MSTings, artwork, character profiles, AAA conversions and the Sattelite of Predacons in one spot. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Go stick it in neutral you PREDABITCH I am happy the way I am. Grrrr > you will not convert me."