Gold Digger Theater 3000 - Episode 6 "Gold Digger" is the copyrighted property of Fred Perry and Antarctic Press MST3K is the copyrighted property of Best Brains, Inc. "El-Hazard" is the copyrighted property of Pioneer and AIC "Slayers" is the copyrighted property of Kadokawa Publishing, TV Tokyo, SoftX, and Software Sculptors "Slayers 1/2" is the property of Christina Rose MiSTing by Chris Rand (ctrand@yahoo.com) * * * On the SoD, all the normally busy areas of the ship were quiet. There was no one on the bridge, nobody in the kitchen, and not a soul in Gina's lab. For the most part, it was eerily still. Except for the Holocabana. Brianna and Cheetah, decked out like Cammy and Chun-Li, respectively, were engaging in a little friendly Street Fighter style practicing. Currently, they were fighting a horde of Sagat clones, in and around that character's level. Cheetah ducked under a high kick, then vaulted backwards to easily dodge the leg sweep from a second Sagat behind her. "Hey, sis," she called as she landed. "Do you think we should have set the difficulty level higher? I mean, I'm hardly breaking a sweat here." Brianna thought about this as she blocked a flurry of punches from her current adversary. "I suppose," she called back. "At least we should turn on the chi attacks." In between blocks, she suddenly lashed out and grabbed her opponent's arm; then, spinning around, she launched him a good 30 feet in the air, where he dissipated before hitting the ground. "Magic Voice," she called out, "please activate the chi attack feature. And increase the difficulty one notch." "Compliance," came back the reply. Instantly, all the Sagats they were fighting started mixing in Tiger Punches with their normal attacks. Cheetah grinned wickedly. "Ah, this is -much- better," she said, as she leapt over one chi-ball and delivered a crushing kick to it's originator, who promptly disappeared. "Still not as hard as fighting Jetta, but better." A massive explosion came from behind her, and she spun around to see her sister wielding a huge, shoulder-mounted energy cannon of some sort. "Brianna," she said wearily, "didn't we agree before we started that you weren't going to use any weapons?" The middle sister gave her a pleading look. "Pleeeease? Just for a little while...." She then suddenly whipped around and fired a shot at an onrushing group of five Sagats, who were instantly vaporized. "Woo-ha! Yeah, baby, bring it on!!" Cheetah just hung her head in defeat. In another section of the satellite, Lina was getting a lesson on the nature of reality. She was seated in the main rec room, gazing in fascination at...herself. Or rather, an episode of the "Slayers" anime. Gina stood next to her, gauging her reaction. "So...that's -me-," said Lina cautiously. Gina nodded. "In a sense, yes." She was impressed with the young sorceress' ability to grasp things; it had only taken her a few days to get the general feel of how the satellite worked, and now she was being quite open-minded about the revelation that she was a fictional character. The archaeologist had decided to explain this to Lina after the girl's first MiSTing experience, in the event that Jinnai decided to send up a "Slayers" fanfic. She had started by showing the girl a few selections from other animes, to give her the idea of what "anime" was. Then, she had cued up a scene involving Lina, and just let her work things out on her own. She was apparently still working on it. "But...if I'm -here-," she said, putting her hand on her chest, "how can I be -there-?" "I think I have that figured out," replied Gina. "To us, you're a fictional character in an anime. As far as you're concerned, however, your world is just as real as this one. And perhaps, somewhere, it is - somewhere, there's a dimension where your world -does-, in fact, exist. In which case, the anime is not so much a fictional creation, as it is a historical record of your journeys." Lina blinked a few times as she mulled that over. "So...what I'm watching," she said slowly, "is my -past-." Gina nodded. "Hmm...I suppose that makes sense. Although I'm curious to know how the story managed to make its way here." The archaeologist shrugged. "That, I don't know. But, I think I can safely say that you don't need to worry about seeing something that spoils your future." Lina gave her a quizzical look. "Well, think about it: if the anime is a record of your past, then by definition it can't show you something that hasn't happened yet." "Ah, I see now," said Lina. She turned her attention back to the monitor for a moment. "Still...I think I'm going to try and avoid watching myself too much. First off, it's just too weird. And second, I supposedly already know what they're going to show me - I've got no real desire to see my life happen again." Gina smiled as she reached over and turned off the monitor. "Probably a wise move," she commented. "Now come on - it's just about time for the Joker to give us his daily call." Sure enough, by the time the two of them reached the bridge, the communications light was starting to flash. "Just in time," said Gina, as she went over to the console and tapped it. "Good morning, ladies," said Jinnai as the hex-field opened. "Good morning, sir," they replied wearily. "Where are your sisters, Gina?" he asked. "Getting in an early workout," she answered. "They should be here soon." No sooner had she said it, than the bridge doors opened and the other two sisters came streaking through. Cheetah skidded to a stop just short of the control console, but Brianna lost her footing and fell on her back. The large device she had been carrying fell out of her hands, but Cheetah managed to catch it before it hit the ground. "You're still not stopping early enough," chided the were-cat. "Lucky for you I figured you wouldn't, or your little invention here would have gotten damaged." "Thanks, Cheets," Brianna said. "It's a good thing you caught that, too - it might have gone off if it hit the ground, which would have been bad." The other three shared a suddenly concerned look. "How bad?" asked Gina. "Um, well, let's see.... If it had just fired, it probably would have taken out the front end of the bridge, exposing us to the vacuum of space. If the core had gotten damaged, however, it probably would have exploded, vaporizing all of us instantly and destroying the ship." "Brianna...." She looked at Cheetah. "What the hell is this?!" demanded the were-cat. "I assume that's the invention for the exchange," interjected Jinnai. "Yup!" replied Brianna happily. "It's a 10-gigawatt particle acceleration plasma rifle. It has a range of about 15 miles, accurate to within 3 inches...." "Provided you can aim at all," muttered Cheetah. "...Or it can be set for a wide-angle dispersion blast, up to an angle of 100 degrees. It runs on a-" "That's...quite enough, thank you." Jinnai looked a little disturbed, and Gina didn't blame him. Most people weren't quite prepared for one of her sister's uber-guns. "So, what's your invention?" asked Lina. "Um, well...." Jinnai looked like the wind had been taken out of his sails; he just stood there mumbling something about "beans" and "gas power." Brianna wore a triumphant look on her face, and Gina suppressed a chuckle. Eventually, the Bugrom leader managed to shake out of his stupor. "I'll give you this round, but don't think it will be so easy next time. Now, into the theater for your experiment." They all groaned. "What is it this time?" asked Cheetah. He grinned evilly. "It's a surprise," was the reply. "Now get in there. And get rid of that cannon, Brianna - I'm the only one allowed to have weapons here." "Awww...." Brianna sighed. "It's probably for the best, sis," Gina said. "Next time, you do the invention, Gina," said Cheetah. "I don't want little miss trigger happy here to go creating any more Death Star weapons like this one while we're stuck up here." "Now, now, Britanny," the archaeologist replied as the warning lights started flashing. "What have I told you about stifling Brianna's creativity?" "We can continue this later," interrupted Lina. "Right now, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" * * * [6]-[5]-[4]-[3]-[2]-[1] [The ladies all file into the theater.] LINA: So, what do you think he's sent us this time? CHEETAH: Beats me. >"Christina Rose" BRIANNA: Don't let the net door hit you in the ass on your way out! GINA: Now, now... >Presenting... CHEETAH: Something wicked this way comes... GINA: What have I told you about judging the fics before we see them? >Slayers 1/2 LINA: Wait a minute... BRIANNA: Uh-oh. CHEETAH: This could get ugly. GINA: I'm glad I at least had a chance to prepare her for this. >A Slayers/Ranma crossover story LINA: ... CHEETAH: That's an...interesting concept. BRIANNA: Can't be any worse than the last crossover. GINA: At least they have the same hyperactive energy level. >By Christina Rose, yours truly LINA [produces a pad of paper and a pencil and starts writing] GINA: What are you doing? LINA: Starting a list. >This is my first attempted fanfiction story, BRIANNA: We're doomed. [Lina is still writing.] CHEETAH: Oh, come on, it can't take you -that- long. [Lina finally puts the pad away.] >and I have several more ready to be written. Please give your >comments, questions, and whatever else you want to say. LINA: I've got something for 'ya! It's- VOICE: Sorry, I'm afraid you're not allowed to say that. LINA: What?! Oh, shoot. >I could really use some feedback. >Send all comments, etc., to cristina@netdoor.com. [Lina looks hopefully at Gina.] GINA: No. >*Part One* BRIANNA: Is just for fun. CHEETAH: We hope. >The Magic Bracelet > > >It was a typical day in the Slayers world. CHEETAH: So, Lina's only nuked three towns, then? LINA: HEY! CHEETAH: Sorry, couldn't help myself. >As befitting a typical day, we see four silhouettes walking away from >a large, city-sized crater. ALL [stare at screen] LINA: I'M NOT THAT BAD! BRIANNA: I dunno, that seems to happen all too often. >One is a short, flat-chested LINA: Grrr... GINA: Don't worry, you're probably just a late bloomer. >teenage redhead girl in a sorcerer's costume. The one she's beating >over the head is a tall, blond, handsome swordsman. GINA: Are you sure you don't have any interest in him? LINA: That's none of your business. CHEETAH: Isn't he, like, 6 years older than you? BRIANNA: Can I have him? LINA: No! >Walking alongside them are a girl about 12 years old, BRIANNA: 12? I thought she was 14. LINA: So did I. CHEETAH: I hope so. I mean, if she's only -12- and still has bigger- LINA: Don't remind me... >and a man with blue hair and stone skin. The blond and the redhead are >arguing over what end justified the means. > >Gourry: Lina, you just HAD to use a Dragon Slave, didn't you?! LINA: I don't know, what was the situation? >Can't you resolve your differences a little more peacefully? CHEETAH: Not from what I've seen. LINA: Will you stop that? >Lina: Hell no! I wanted a simple 17-course meal, but that dragon just >HAD to interrupt- LINA: See? See?! I had every cause to use that spell! BRIANNA: Maaaaybe... GINA: 17 courses...Lina, I want to give you a full medical when we get out of here. LINA: How come? GINA: You must have a hyperactive metabolism to be able to eat that much and stay so slim. >Amelia: Lina-san, you should have tried to reason with it first! I >mean, it could've repented its evil ways... CHEETAH: How do you put up with her, anyway? LINA: Family secret. >Lina: Are you joking with me?! BRIANNA [Beavis]: Are you threatening me? >I haven't had a decent meal in weeks, it's hot, I'm tired... I order a >little food and this green dragon comes out of nowhere and starts >running amuck destroying stuff, I WANT A FULL MEAL, DAMMIT!!! > >Zel: *Medium sweatdrop* Settle down, Lina... CHEETAH: Good luck. LINA: Grrr... CHEETAH: Kidding, kidding. >Lina: DON'T TELL ME TO SETTLE DOWN!! I WANT DINNER AND I WANT IT >NOW!!! GINA [singing]: I know what I want, and I want it now... BRIANNA [ditto]: I'll tell ya' what I want, what I really, really want... CHEETAH: Um, no. >(The group continues on like this for another day or so, Lina on a >full temper-tantrum rampage. GINA: You'd think she'd run out of breath at some point in there. >Finally, their map leads them to another town, this one called >Femoran. As they approach the town, a group of bandits are spotted >waylaying a couple of innocent merchants. Amelia's eyes light up in >joy.) BRIANNA [Amelia]: Oooo, look, they have leather! And whips! CHEETAH: Brianna... LINA: That image I did -not- need. >Amelia: Hark! GINA: So, does this mean Harold Angel sings now? BRIANNA [Sally]: Hockey stick! >Is that the clarion call of justice I hear? GINA: Where does she get these phrases? LINA: From Phil, I think. >Okay, bandits, here I- > >Lina: Hey, hey, these are mine! I need to let off some steam anyway... >HAhaha! CHEETAH: That's a nice little Naga laugh you've got going there. LINA: Ugh...don't remind me. >Prepare yourselves! > >(Zel and Gourry both big sweatdrop as Lina and Amelia race each other >to where the bandits are about to run the two merchants through.) > >Amelia: Foul scions of evil, whose hearts are filled with darkness, >let Heaven show you mercy, for I will not! LINA [Amelia]: In the name of Seyruun, I will punish you! [pause; as herself] I can't believe I just said that. >Lina: Outta the way, Amelia, it's my turn this time! > >Bandit: *Small sweatdrop* GINA: Oh, good, now we've got the whole set! >What the hell... > >(As Lina takes the fireball approach, Amelia leaps off her customary >entrance tree to drop kick one of the bandits. BRIANNA: Hey, she hit one! LINA: -I'm- amazed. CHEETAH: What, does she just haul the same tree around with her? GINA: I don't think that's quite what the author meant... >Just in time for Lina's fireball to toast everyone in sight, except >for the merchants) ALL: Ooo! GINA: That -has- to sting. >Lina: BWAAHAhahaha! Oh! Amelia! You okay? CHEETAH: Whoopsie. LINA: Eh, she'll survive. >Amelia: oohh... Lina-san, what did I ever do to you... (collapses) LINA: Do you want the full list, or the abridged version? >Lina: I _told_ you to get out of the way... You're getting better than >you were, though, you actually hit a bad guy this time! > >Zel: (From the sidelines) Miracles _can_ happen... CHEETAH: I think that about sums it up. >Merchant: Oh, thank you so much, great sorceress! You saved us from >those horrible bandits! I _have_ to give you a reward! LINA: As well you should! >Merchant 2: (To merchant one) Well, this crazed sorceress ruined our >original plan to get rid of it by unloading it off on those bandits... GINA: Oh dear... BRIANNA: This is most likely -quite- bad. CHEETAH: Hey, Ms. Author, do you think you could make it any more blatant? >Merchant 1: (To merchant two) Yeah, but we can give it to her as a >'reward...' > >Merchant 2: (To merchant one) Good thinking, Toby! She can take it off >of our hands for us. LINA: It would appear someone has forgotten that I have VERY GOOD HEARING!! BRIANNA [rubbing her ears]: Ow! But after that, I certainly don't. GINA: Besides, they're not even whispering. >Amelia: No, no, a reward won't be necessary, the justice in my heart >is reward enough for me! *BONK* CHEETAH [Lina]: Fine. Then I'll take whatever you were going to give her. LINA: Damn straight! >Lina: (To Amelia, hushed tones) Shut up, you ditz! I did the dirty >work, so I deserve a reward! Justice, schmustice! I want that reward! GINA: I wonder if she wants a reward? >(To merchants) Please ignore my little friend here, BRIANNA [Mexican]: Say hello to my leetle friend. >she's a few cards short of a full hand, if you know what I mean, >heheheh... CHEETAH: No argument here. LINA: No, she's not crazy. Just...over-enthusiastic. >Merchant 1: *Medium sweatdrop* Of course... if you say so... anyway, I >think you deserve this piece of fine jewelry! (Draws a glistening >silver bracelet embedded with *Large* rubies out of her bag.) [Everyone starts to drool.] >Would this do? I'm a jeweler by trade, and this humble thing is the >best I can offer you right now... > >Lina: (Looking at the bracelet with a practised eye) It's beautiful! >You shouldn't part with this, you could sell it for a _lot_ of gold! >Reward or no, I just can't accept it! LINA: WHAT?! BRIANNA: Ow! Stop that! GINA: Have you -ever- turned down a reward before? LINA: Well...a few times. But certainly for better reasons than this! >Merchant 1: Oh no, I must insist! You saved my life! This is the least >I can do in gratitude! Take it, please! > >Lina: Oh well, okay, if you insist... LINA: Good girl! CHEETAH: I think you're getting way too involved in this. >Merchant 2: We're Branson and Mulder, professional jewelers, just drop >by our shop in Femoran if you need anything, we'll gladly oblige! > >Merchant 1: Yeah! It's been really nice talking to you, we have to go >now, right Paula? BRIANNA [singing]: Hey Paula... >Merchant 2 (Paula): Right, Toby! See yall! > >(The merchants walk off rather hastily, without another word. Lina >lets her friends examine her new gain.) GINA: And none of this is arousing your suspicions? LINA [mutters something incoherent] >Amelia: Wow, that's pretty! I want it... CHEETAH: As long as she doesn't try to name it. BRIANNA: Ugh...Azusa... >Lina: Nope, your heart full of justice is enough to keep you happy! >(Grins. Amelia facefaults) > >Zel: (Examining it closely) A fine trinket to throw away as a >reward... Those rubies are flawless! Maybe there's more to this than >there seems... BRIANNA: Zelgadis - more than meets the eye! CHEETAH: Shameless Transformer reference there... LINA: How come -I'm- not noticing this? >Lina: How's this? (Tries on the bracelet) Hey, perfect fit! (Suddenly, >Lina vanishes into thin air. The bracelet she tried on falls to the >ground with a *thump*) > >Amelia: Lina-san??!! Are you invisible?! GINA: I doubt it. BRIANNA: That wouldn't make for much of a crossover. >Where are you? > >Zel: Hmmm... > >Gourry: Lina?! > >Zel: (Picks up the bracelet) She's gone! It must be the bracelet. CHEETAH: It's gotta be the shoes. >(Casts a 'detect magic' spell on the bracelet in question) Idiot... LINA: Hey! >Trying on strange jewelry without checking for spells or curses... GINA: He's got you there. CHEETAH: You and curses just don't get along, do you? LINA: That's not me, dammit! Although that does seem to be the case... >Amelia: What happened to Lina-san? Zel? > >Zel: This bracelet... BRIANNA [Zel]: Would go perfect with my purse! >Gourry: What about the bracelet? > >Zel: It's a portal into another dimension! CHEETAH: Funny, I don't see Funimation around here anywhere... >There's more to this than those two 'jewelers' were letting on... We >have to find them! > >Gourry: Why can't we just do what Lina did? LINA: Baka... GINA: Hey, how come that didn't translate? VOICE: I figured you all already knew what it meant. ALL: Ooooh. >Zel: (Thinks, "Baka...") Let me try to explain here... BRIANNA: This could take awhile... LINA: Wake me when Gourry admits he has no clue. >We have no idea where this little piece of jewelry would take us if we >put it on, it could be over an active volcano or worse! GINA [Zel]: It could put us...in the middle of a "Barney" video! DIGGERS: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! LINA: I still don't get all of this... CHEETAH: Consider yourself among the fortunate few. >Amelia: Yeah, we have to find those people's store, if they were >telling the truth, Zel-san, what was that name again? Bragildo and >Mulchers? LINA [wearily]: I'm doomed, aren't I? BRIANNA: Looks that way. >Zel: Branson and Mulder. Two merchants who are about to recieve a very >painful shock. CHEETAH [Zel]: Where's my cattle prod? >**Commercial Break** > > > >**End Commercial Break** CHEETAH: ...the hell? GINA: Just be grateful there are no actual commercials. >(We see Lina, trying on the bracelet, then we see the world vanish >around her, replaced by something entirely different.) >Lina: What's this??!! BRIANNA [singing]: What's this? What's this! There's color everywhere! GINA: Oh, I -love- that movie! >Gourry! Zel! Amelia! Where are you?!?! (She is now standing atop a >long, bamboo pole sticking out of a pond. GINA: Uh-oh. CHEETAH: I can see where this is going. LINA: What? >Surrounding her are more ponds and bamboo shoots, as far as the eye >can see.) Whoah! (She tilts around and nearly falls) BRIANNA: Heeeeere we go. CHEETAH: Why do so many Ranma crossovers involve someone falling into the springs? >RAYWING!!! (Now she is hovering over the pools. She floats gently to >the ground) GINA: What the-?! She beat the system! DIGGERS: YAY! LINA: What'd I do? >Where am I now?? (She spots a man not far away, and calls to him) >HEY!!! YOU!!! Over here! (He rushes over to her upon spotting her. He >is tall, BRIANNA: He is? GINA: Relatively speaking, I suppose. >slightly overweight, wearing a purple communist China suit, though >Lina wouldn't recognize that) > >Guide: AH!! Madam! What you doing?!?! How you find here?! BRIANNA: Wait, wait, wait...just because they both speak Japanese in their shows doesn't mean that they both actually speak Japanese. I mean, Lina technically doesn't even come from Earth. CHEETAH: Oh, you silly...every race in the anime universe speaks Japanese. BRIANNA: Oh, that's right. >Lina: That's what I want to know. Where is here? > >Guide: (Scratches behind his head curiously, then shrugs) Here is >legendary training ground of cursed springs, Jusenkyo. ALL: Dun-dun-DUUUUUUN! >Every spring have its own tragic story- > >Lina: Okay... (She still has to get her bearings) Can you tell me how >to get to Femoran from here? I have some friends that are probably >worried about me... LINA: And are likely to do something stupid if I don't get back soon. CHEETAH: What, don't you have any faith in Zel? LINA: Oh, -he- won't...but he doesn't have the necessary drive to keep the -other- two from really botching things up. >Guide: Fomoran? No is Fomoran around here, there is Amazon tribe, but >no Fomoran. GINA [singing]: Yes, we have no Fomoran...tooonight! >Lina: Great, just... great... Now, I'm hot, BRIANNA: Well, you certainly have a high opinion of yourself. LINA: I wouldn't say I'm -hot-...cute, certainly, but I'll admit I need to work a bit for "hot." >hungry, and lost! CHEETAH: Believe me, you'd rather be hot than be cooled by one of those pools. LINA: Really? GINA: I imagine you'll see why in a short while. >Guide: Oh, you hungry? I no can help being lost, but I give food to >fill stomach! BRIANNA: Warning! Warning! Danger, Guide, danger! LINA: Hey! >Lina: FOOD?!?! Oh, you're too kind! I haven't had a decent bite in >weeks! I would be eternally grateful! > >Guide: No is problem. I have plenty at house, CHEETAH: Not after she gets done with it... LINA: Look, I can't help the fact that I like to eat, all right? >oh! (This last exclamation was aimed toward the kawaiiest little black >pig in the universe, GINA: Oh dear... BRIANNA: Poor Ryouga. This seems to happen to him way too often. LINA: Who? >who had been wandering around in the bushes nearby.) That is luck! Now >we have pork with supper! LINA [Homer]: Mmmm, pork. GINA: You've been watching TV, haven't you? CHEETAH: You don't want to eat this pork. Trust me. >(P-chan, who had gotten lost, of course, is not very happy with this >exclamation. He tries to run, but the guide catches him.) > >P-Chan: Bwee! Skwee! (Translation: "For the seventh time, I'm not for >pork! Let me go find that nanniichuan spring in peace!) GINA: You'd think the guide would have figured it out by now. >Lina: (Snatches the pig from the guide's hands) Hey, I don't like >eating cute little pigs. I'll take this one with me. Aren't you cute, >huh? (Kisses P-Chan's forehead. ALL: Awww. >P-Chan, unfortunately, has passed out. CHEETAH: I swear, that boy has no tolerances around women. BRIANNA: If he weren't so young, I'd take a crack at straightening him out. LINA: ...with a pig?! GINA: Things aren't quite what they appear, Lina. >He'd not turned human for over a week now, and was completely >exhausted) ALL: Oh. [pause] BRIANNA: 'Cause those wild boars were just -animals- in bed. CHEETAH: Brianna... >(Lina has dinner with the Jusenkyo guide, he tells her all about >Jusenkyo and the neighboring areas. He hands her a map after supper is >over, and his food supplies are depleted accordingly. ^-^) CHEETAH: "Depleted?" I'm surprised they weren't wiped out entirely. LINA: ...I just don't really care anymore. CHEETAH: Good! GINA: I see the author is trying to be cute with us. >Guide: You should go tomorrow morning, when it get light. If you head >east of here, you reach Japan in about week or two. But be careful >around here, very bad you fall in spring! Maybe pig you got here is >poor soul fell into spring of drowned pig! BRIANNA [to Lina]: Do you realize you're probably the first person in the Ranmaverse who -hasn't- fallen into one of the springs when visiting Jusenkyo? LINA: I'm honored. Really. >Lina: You're not kidding?! Lemme check... (Takes pot of boiling water >and dumps it on unconscious P-Chan. CHEETAH: Uh-oh. LINA: What? BRIANNA: Are you sure we should be letting her see this? GINA: We don't have much of a choice. LINA: What?! >Instant conscious naked Ryouga) LINA: Oh...aaaahhhh! A pervert! GINA: No, no, Lina dear...your story character has already avoided one common mistake, please don't fall victim to one of the others. >Guide: Aiyaa! > >Ryouga: AACK!!! (Looks down at himself, then at Lina) >AAAIIIEEEEEE!!!!! (He covers what's below the waist, a bit too late >for our hot-tempered sorceress.) BRIANNA: I think you're lecturing the wrong Lina, sis. >Lina: YAAH!! Pervert!! DIGGER BOLT!!!! LINA: Yeah! Smack him good! GINA [sigh] BRIANNA: You know, Ryouga would have a lot more fun if he was a masochist. CHEETAH: Not something I'd like to think about, really. >*BOOM!!!* ALL: SHAKALAKA! >Ryouga: AAIIEEE!! CHEETAH: Poor Ryouga. GINA: People tend to say that an awful lot. BRIANNA: Doesn't make it any less true. >************************* BRIANNA: I think Leonard Maltin had a -liiiiittle- too much caffeine this morning. >As fun as it would be to remain with our two newly acquainted friends, GINA: "Friends?" BRIANNA: Unintentional foreshadowing, I would imagine. >We must turn now to another world, CHEETAH: Shame about that getting canceled. GINA: Why don't we turn to "Guiding Light," instead? >where Zel, Amelia and Gourry are standing in front of a small jewelry >store. The sign over the window proclaims, "Branson and Mulder, >Jewelers and Part-Time Treasure Hunters." GINA: Woo! >Gourry: Part-time treasure hunters??? > >Amelia: Weird... CHEETAH: Not as weird as an 8-year old genetics super genius. GINA: Or a time traveling dog. LINA: Or a cursed knife that can be overpowered by a wife's nagging. >Zel: Oh well, let's get this over with. > >(The three enter through the unlocked door. Inside, the girl behind >the counter is definitely not Toby Branson or Paula Mulder.) > >Girl: Hi, can I help you with something? (She is obviously not used to >these adventurer types coming into her store. The white cloth pulled >over Zel's lower face does little to conceal the metallic hair or >stone features around the eyes, and she has never actually met with a >chimera before, let alone sold jewelry to one.) BRIANNA: I have to ask, who does he honestly think he's fooling with that? LINA: No one I've ever met... >Zel: Can you tell us where the owners of this store are now? We need >to speak with them right away, it's very urgent. BRIANNA [Girl]: Yeah, they're in the back, making hot monkey love. LINA: GAH! CHEETAH: BRI-Lina, could you smack her for me? [Lina looks at the much larger Brianna, then down the couch at Cheetah, who nods encouragingly. Shrugging resignedly, she then proceeds to smack Brianna on the back of the head.] BRIANNA: Ow! LINA: Now, why didn't I think of that before? GINA: Because she can bench-press a metric ton? LINA: Ah...yes, that would be it. CHEETAH: Don't worry, she won't retaliate. [glares at her sister] -Will- she? BRIANNA: Um...apparently not. >Girl: (Thinks "What have those two done now?! Oh well, no harm in >telling them...") I'm really not sure where they went to, they came in >a few hours ago, stayed long enough to take care of some business, and >left without saying a word to me! (Never one to let a sales >opportunity slip) You people look like you could use some accessories! > >Gourry: Accessories? CHEETAH: Oh, yeah, like he needs accessories. LINA: I don't know, he seems to end up dressed like a woman an awful lot. >Girl: Yeah, what you need is to accessorize! Add some flair to your >wardrobe! > >Zel: Thank you for your help, but we don't have time to waste buying >useless trinkets. Come on, Gourry, Amelia! We'll see you later! > >Amelia: (Protesting as he drags them both out of the store) No, wait, >I want a new tiara- GINA: Jinkies, maybe she -is- Sailor Moon. CHEETAH: She's about as coordinated. >(As they leave, the girl looks after them in puzzlement. "Gets right >down to the point, doesn't he? What a strange group...") > >(Zel and the other two are meanwhile eating supper, discussing what >to do now) BRIANNA: Strip naked and- CHEETAH: No! >Zel: Okay, unless that girl was lying, which I doubt, those two >merchants have fled the coop until the fox leaves, so to speak. > >Gourry: Huh? CHEETAH: That tends to be his main piece of dialogue. >Zel: *Sigh...* Never mind, anyway, we have two options now. > >Amelia: Yeah, we can try using the bracelet ourselves, or we can wait >and see if we can find those two girls first. CHEETAH: "Two girls?" The merchants were women? BRIANNA: Well, one of them -was- named Paula, but... LINA: A woman named Toby? Someone's parents had a real mean streak, apparently. >Zel: They were trying to get rid of it from the start, that much I've >gathered by now. Some sort of curse, perhaps? Or maybe they just >wanted it in better hands than their own... > >Amelia: I won't forgive them if anything happens to Lina-san! BRIANNA: She's loyal, I'll give her that. LINA: Sometimes I could do without it, though. >I say we use it and take the risk! (Places one closed fist over the >table. Gourry's large hand closes over it, followed by Zel's.) ALL: BREAK! >Zel: I'll go first, then Amelia, then Gourry. How does that sound? > >Gourry: Great! Now let's finish dinner! (Gourry and Amelia proceed to >enjoy a 25-course meal without Lina there to hog it all. GINA: I have -got- to figure out how you all do that. LINA: Why are you so interested in this? GINA: Do you know how many people would -pay- to be able to do what you do? CHEETAH: I'd like to know where they keep getting the money to afford all of this. >Zel finishes his small plate and waits impatiently for them to finish >eating. BRIANNA: It must be so hard being the straight man in these mostly slapstick series. >When the entire table is covered with empty plates piled 5 feet high, >Amelia and Gourry pat their lean bellies and sigh contentedly.) > >Amelia: That was great! Can I have dessert? (Zel twitches and falls >over in Takahashi position #54) Guess not... GINA: But...Takahashi doesn't do Slayers... CHEETAH: Just smile and nod. BRIANNA: I think it's just meant as a reference point, Gina. >********************* BRIANNA: It's Hands Across the Fanfiction! >This is the end of part one, ALL: Yay! >I hope you stay tuned for the hair-raising fun coming up in part two! ALL: Boo! >If you know Gourry very well, LINA: Which I do. BRIANNA: Yes, but have you -known- Gourry? CHEETAH: Don't answer that. >you can guess what's going to happen next, but I'm not gonna spoil it >for you ^_- GINA: I think we can all guess what's coming... BRIANNA: After all, -someone- has to fall in a spring. >Christina Rose >cristina@netdoor.com LINA: Why is she telling us this again? >Please, PLEASE, send me your comments!! I love reader feedback! BRIANNA: Hey, a feedback loop! Now there's an idea! GINA: Oh, come now - I don't think this was bad enough to justify that. >Ja ne! CHEETAH: And that's our cue. [They exit.] [1]-[2]-[3]-[4]-[5]-[6] * * * The ladies were all gathered in the Gina-Lab Mark II. Lina lay on a medical-style-examining table, while Gina was positioning a large scanning device over her. The young sorceress looked extremely nervous. "Um, this isn't going to hurt, right?" she asked. "Not as long as you don't move," answered Gina as she adjusted the controls. "Don't worry Lina, I've been through this sort of thing a bunch of times," Cheetah said. "She'd never subject you to anything really dangerous." "Well, okay," said Lina, gazing up at the contraption above her. "Just relax," instructed the archaeologist. "Everything will go a lot smoother if you just calm down." With that, she pressed one of the buttons on the control panel, and the scanner hummed into life. A wide, thin green beam lanced down, right over Lina's forehead. She stifled a gasp, then slowly started to smile. "Hey, that feels kind of nice," she said. "Almost...ticklish." "Good, that means I calibrated it right," replied Gina. "Now, just hold still, this shouldn't take long." The scanner swept in a downward arc, the beam tracing across her head and neck, then down over her chest and abdomen. When it reached her waist, it stopped then moved back up. The process was repeated twice more, with Lina apparently trying to keep from giggling. Finally, the scanner shut off, and Gina turned to the display to analyze the findings. Cheetah helped Lina of the table, then went over to join the other two sisters. "So? What's the verdict?" asked Brianna as she tried to read over her older sister's shoulder. "Hmmm...." Gina made several thoughtful sounding noises as she read the display. Finally, however, she gave a grunt of disgust and turned it off. "Well, -I- don't know how you do it," she said to Lina. "According to the scanner, you've got a perfectly normal metabolism. There's no scientific reason for why you're able to eat so much without gaining a pound." Lina just shrugged. "I guess I'm just lucky," she replied. Just then the warning klaxons started sounding again. "Looks like its back to the pain," said Cheetah, as they all dashed out of the lab and towards the theater. * * * [6]-[5]-[4]-[3]-[2]-[1] [The ladies file back into the theater.] >For your viewing pleasure, I give to you now... BRIANNA: Spaceballs! GINA: We wish. >Slayers 1/2! GINA: Which hasn't been half-bad, so far. CHEETAH: Jinnai's slipping. BRIANNA: I'm not so sure he had it to begin with. >By Christina Rose > >Part Two CHEETAH: Electric- BRIANNA: That joke's been done way too often already. >The Crossover! LINA: Um... GINA: Just...don't. >Well, last time, in case you've forgotten (Read part one, bakas!), our >lovely sorceress supreme LINA: Well, at least -someone- recognizes my talents. CHEETAH: Oh, come on, we like you. >was cast into another world through the magic of a silver, ruby- >studded bracelet she had recieved as a reward for saving two helpless >merchants. GINA: Which turned out to not be much of a reward. >One second, Zel was saying something about casting a detection spell >on it first, the next, she was falling and landed on a bamboo pole >sticking out of a small spring. BRIANNA: I think I'll just keep my mouth shut. CHEETAH: Probably a wise idea. >She nearly lost her balance, but being the wonderful genius sorceress >she is, [Lina is looking extremely proud of herself.] GINA: If her ego inflates any more, we'll have to expand the theater. >she cast Ray Wing before she fell. (Aww..) CHEETAH: Does -every- Ranma story have to involve someone falling into a spring? Can't there be stories that -don't- center around some stupid new curse?! >The Jusenkyo Guide (tm) noticed her then and shouted to her to please >come down before she got hurt. ^^ Then the guide offered her a map and >a nice meal before she left, and tried cooking pork with supper. >Lina poured an expiramental kettle of hot water on the ultra-kawaii >unconcious black piglet (Instant concious naked Ryouga!!!) BRIANNA: Sort of like Instant Ramen. GINA: I bet it would sell well. >Lina: PERVERT!!! DIGGER BOLT!!! ALL [wince] >Ryouga: No, it's not what it- > >Lina: DAMU BRAS!!! ALL [wince harder] CHEETAH: -That's- going to leave a mark. >Die, hentai! BALUS ROD!!! BRIANNA: Why's Lina giving -him- the rod? -SMACK- Ow... LINA: I feel better now. CHEETAH: -I- don't. GINA: Ugh... >Ryouga: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! > >Meanwhile, Zel, Gourry, and Amelia ponder what to do with the >bracelet. They tried finding the two merchants who unloaded it off on >them, but to no avail. Finally, it was decided that they would risk >the bracelet to rescue their fearless leader. But first, a good meal! BRIANNA: Well, I'm glad to know they have their priorities straight. [Lina buries her head in her hands.] CHEETAH: Oh, come on...can you honestly look me in the eye and say you wouldn't do exactly the same thing? >Zelgadis: Please, people, Lina could be in serious danger right now! GINA: When did Zel turn into a movie director? >How can you eat at a time like this?! > >Gourry: Mhew, mve wheed hoofd for ourf fomashf! *Gulp* I don't want to >be hungry later on, either. LINA: Like he won't be anyway... GINA: Frankly, I'm surprised he -ever- gets enough to eat. >Zel: Fat chance of that happening... > >Amelia: We haven't even had dessert yet! I'm hardly full! > >Zel: (He is dangerously close to his bursting point now.)Grr... CHEETAH: Better have the hose ready in case he explodes. >Barmaid: (Coming over to the table) And what would you like for >dessert? > >Amelia: I'll have this, and this, and oh definitely this... Oh! Give >me three of that one! And this one, and this... GINA: You know, I don't recall her being one of the really big eaters...I always thought she was between Zel, and you and Gourry. >Gourry: I'll just have two of dessert #3, five of dessert #4, and four >of dessert #8! (As the barmaid closes her open jaw and tries to write >everything down, Zel finally gets fed up.) > >Zel: I'm going on ahead. Take your time finishing. (He grabs the >bracelet and disappears in a flash of light. The two remaining Slayers CHEETAH: It -almost- sounds like you guys are all one family. LINA: Me? Related to -them-?! >glance at where the bracelet has fallen to the table with a clatter, >shrug, and continue eating. Meanwhile, Zel has landed on the same pole >as Lina did. >The guide is nowhere in sight, and Zel casually leaps down to earth BRIANNA: And another one avoids the fate of the springs! ALL: Yay! >and takes a second to study the landscape around him. It's Jusenkyo, >and if you need a description, go find one somewhere else! I'm tired >of describing it!) GINA: It appears the author got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. >Zel: Hmm... strange place... I wonder where Lina went? She can't have >gone far... Guess I have to wait for the others now... (Calls out >expiramentally) LINA!! LIIINAAAAA!! (None of his calls are answered. LINA: I'm sorry, the sorceress you requested is unable to answer your message. Please try again later. >He looks around, spots the guide watering his flower bed.) > >Zel: Excuse me, good sir... > >Guide: Oh! Welcome to Jusenkyo Training Ground of Cursed Spring! You >fall in Chimaeraniichuan, CHEETAH: Oh, for crying out loud. BRIANNA: I know there's over a hundred springs, but -please-. GINA: Besides, even if there were one that probably wouldn't be how it's spelled. >I see, don't worry, hot water change you back to real form! LINA: If only it were that simple. >Zel: Chimaeraniichuan? BRIANNA [Zel]: What the hell have you been smoking? >Guide: Spring of Drowned Chimaera. You did fall in, no? > >Zel: No, I didn't. I -am- a chimaera. > >Guide: Aiyaa! Oh well, then you no need worry then! ^^ You should be >careful, very bad you fall in spring! GINA: Unless, of course, you fall into the -right- spring. >Zel: Hmm.. so if I fall in one of these... I turn into what drowned >there? > >Guide: That right! Hot water change you back to regular form, too. > >Zel: Say, there wouldn't happen to be a Spring of Drowned Human Man >around here...? CHEETAH: Zel's a smart bugger, isn't he. LINA: Yup. Which only makes the other two harder to deal with. >Guide: Oh yes, very tragic story- > >Gourry/Amelia: YAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (They both fall from the invisible >portal in the sky, neither can land on the pole Zel and Lina took >advantage of.) GINA: Okay, bets - which one is going to fall in? BRIANNA: Gourry. CHEETAH: Ditto. LINA: Same here. >Zel: *gasp* Amelia! DIEM WING!! (Amelia is caught in the protective >floating bubble and carried over to safety. CHEETAH: So, do those two really like each other? LINA: I -think- so, but I've never really been sure. >Gourry, on the other hand...) GINA: And we all win! ALL [bored]: Yay. >Amelia: Zelgadis-san! You saved me! > >Zel: *cough* well, not really, I... BRIANNA: Hmmm...embarrassment, denial of doing anything nice for the other person...yeah, he likes her. CHEETAH: These anime romances can be -so- easy to read sometimes. GINA: I just thought of something. LINA: What? GINA: How could Gourry and Amelia -both- fall through the portal at the same time? Only one person should be able to wear the bracelet. >Gourry: Aw, man, I'm all wet! (Gourry is looking... strange. Where he >was once robust, now the armor and plating hangs loosely on him. His >face is, well, leaner... almost, feminine...) GINA: "Almost?" LINA: I have to say, I'm not surprised he fell into a pool that did that. >Hmm, I feel weird for some reason... > >Guide: Aiyaa! You fall in Nyanniichuan! > >Zel/Gourry/Amelia: WHAT?!?! > >Guide: Very tragic story of girl who drown in spring eight-hundred >year ago! Now whoever fall in spring, take body of young girl! Tragic, >no? GINA: Tragic, yes. BRIANNA: Overused plot device, most definitely yes. >Gourry: Young girl?! No... It can't be... (Looking down, dreading what >he knows he's gonna find) AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!! >I'm, I'm... I'M A GIRL!! NOO!!! > >Amelia: And what's wrong with being a girl?! ALL: You tell 'im, sister! >Zel: The irony's so thick you can cut it with a knife... CHEETAH [makes rim-shot noise] >Guide: You get here same way as violent sorcerer-girl, no? > >Amelia: Lina-san! Do you know where she is? (Gourry-chan is just >standing in the spring, still in shock.) > >Guide: Violent sorcerer-girl left with no-sense-direction boy! I not >know where they go. LINA: "No-sense-direction boy?" BRIANNA: You'll see. GINA: If you try to go to Japan, I hope your story counterpart is ready for a looooong trip. >Zel: *sigh...* > >Amelia: I still can't believe you saved me, Zel-san! CHEETAH: She's never going to let him forget this. BRIANNA [Amelia]: Please, let me show my gratitude by- LINA: Ugh...I don't even want to think about that. >Zel: Well, I, er, uh... Gourry, come on! We don't have all day! Excuse >me, sir, would you please show us where the Spring of Drowned Man is? >Hurry up and get this over with... GINA: No way it's this easy... >Guide: Well, um, that is say, heheh, um, I forget which one! BRIANNA: Bingo. >No-sense-direction boy ask same thing! I no can find now! I get old, >forget which spring do what... > >Zel: Then did Lina fall into a spring? > >Guide: No, no, she float to ground just fine. [Lina grins happily again.] CHEETAH: Yes, we know, and we're very happy for you. >I sorry for you and friend, my daugher Plum know, but she on vacation >now! Very tragic, no? CHEETAH: Does this guy know any -happy- stories? I mean, everything associated with him is "tragic." >Zel: Yeah... so what general direction were they headed? > >Guide: They go that way. I would give you meal before you go, but... > >Amelia: Meal?! Who? Where? > >Guide: But sorceress-girl eat up everything in pantry! It amazing how >much she eat! GINA: It certainly is. >Gourry-chan: Ain't it though... > >Zel: (Unable to resist) You're the one to talk, Gourry, it's amazing >you can eat so much and still keep that girlish figure! You're >probably even more, gifted.. LINA: Something tells me Gourry is going to suffer greatly in this story. BRIANNA: I think you're right. >Gourry-chan: Shaddup!! That isn't funny!! > >Zel: Well, _I_ think it is... (He can't contain his snickers anymore. >He bursts out laughing.) LINA: Wow...I've never seen him do -that- before! >Gourry: (Watching Zel's uncharacteristic burst of laughter with >despair) I'm... a GIRL!! I'm gonna be stuck as a girl forever! >Waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Outburst of tears a la Sailor Moon) CHEETAH: Should we tell him? [pause] ALL: Nah. BRIANNA: Sailor Gourry...[shudders] I think I just gave myself nightmares for the next week. >Amelia: Zel-san, you made her cry! You shouldn't pick on a girl like >that! > >Zel: Yeah, you're right... Though I haven't had a good laugh for >almost a year now! Sorry, Gourry! > >Gourry-chan: Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *sniff, sniff* You're just saying >that... BRIANNA [Gourry-chan]: ...to get me into your bed. LINA: GAH! -SMACK- BRIANNA: Ow! CHEETAH: Oh, that is -so- wrong. >Zel: Oh for crying out loud! (Yanks Gourry-chan out of the water and >dumps thermos water over his head. Instant guy.) GINA: Um, where'd the thermos come from? And how did he know it would have hot water in it? CHEETAH: Maybe we missed something a little ways back. >Gourry-kun: I'm, I'm... I'M A MAN AGAIN!!!!! Happy day! > >Zel: *sigh...* Gourry... BRIANNA [Zel]: If only you knew that I want to- LINA: I refuse to let you corrupt my view of my friends like this! >Amelia: You're not a man forever, Gourry-san. Just until cold water >splashes you again. Then you turn into a girl! > >Gourry: Why was that again? LINA: AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! CHEETAH: Can't argue with that. >Guide: You fall in Nyanniichuan, Spring of Drowned Girl, GINA: Oh no, not again. >there very tragic story of girl who drown there eight-hundred year >ago... BRIANNA: 'Fraid so. >******************* CHEETAH: Take cover, it's a hailstorm! >Now, we join everyone's favorite ultra-destructive sorceress LINA: Hey! GINA: At least you're the favorite one. BRIANNA: She's the -only- one, as far as I know. >Lina and everyone's favorite yellow-clad lost boy Ryouga, in their >journey already in progress... > >Lina: And that's how I ended up here. I can't figure out how to get >back, either! > >Ryouga: Well, I know a woman who might be able to help, but I'm >warning you right now... BRIANNA [Ryouga]: I bite. LINA: No! Besides, I'm too young for that. GINA: I can think of some authors who might disagree. >Lina: What? > >Ryouga; I have... problems... getting where I want to go... > >Lina: Oh, you get lost a lot. CHEETAH: That's putting it mildly. BRIANNA: Very mildly. >Ryouga: Bingo. But we can still get there in a couple weeks... > >Lina: I hope so! I'll wait if I have to. But this better not mean >we're not getting many good meals! > >Ryouga: Don't worry, I can catch us some food. I'm a survival expert, GINA: By necessity, mainly. >I've had to live on nuts and berries more than once... LINA: What? That's not food! That's...that's...squirrel bait! >Lina: Nuts and berries?! Are you crazy?! I'll starve! > >Ryouga: *sigh* (looks depressed) > >Lina: Oh, come on now, I'm not that annoying! SIRAC: I agree! -BOOM- [pause] CHEETAH: What the hell was that?! GINA: The Fourth Wall being smashed into itty bitty pieces. BRIANNA: Just look at all this dust... >What's wrong? > >Ryouga: Nah, you don't want to know... > >Lina: What? Come on, tell me! > >Ryouga: Well, it's just a pickle I'm in, I'm in love with this girl, >but I sleep in her bed as her pet pig and if she ever found out, she >would hate me forever! BRIANNA: I think he's taking too negative a view of Akane's demeanor. CHEETAH: I don't know about that... GINA: Wait, he's telling her this -already-? This is like, his most secret of secrets! LINA: Hey, I just inspire confidence! >Lina: I can see how that's a problem... (Imagines herself as Ryouga's >girl, finding out a guy disguised as a pig has been sleeping in her >bed at night, and decides she would probably fry Ryouga with a few >fireballs and forgive him later.) CHEETAH: If he survived. GINA: Hey, this is Ryouga we're talking about. BRIANNA [Ryouga, as Tick]: I'm nigh-invulnerable! LINA: I'm surprised I'd limit it to fireballs. >Just tell her the truth, otherwise you'll never have a chance with >her! > >Ryouga: I know that, but it's hard to get up the guts to tell her... > >Lina: Would you rather her find out by accident? GINA: Waaaait a minute...I see what's going on here. OTHERS: What? GINA: Lina's playing the role of a self-insertion character. LINA: Huh? CHEETAH: How do you figure? GINA: Well, judging by that last exchange, I'd wager that her arrival is eventually going to wind up solving most of the problems in the Ranma series. BRIANNA: ...just like most self-insertion characters usually do. I get it now. >Ryouga: No... but I've been trying to find the naaniichuan spring that >could cure me before I have to tell her. I can't just jump into random >springs, what if I fall into the Spring of Drowned Bacteria or >something like that? (Hey, it _could_ happen!) BRIANNA: Yes, but what would be the -point-? >Lina: You just don't have any guts, that's your problem. CHEETAH: Yeah, you blasted all of them out of him when you arrived. LINA: Grrr... GINA: Don't worry about it, Lina. If Jinnai ever sends us a story involving the three of us, you'll get your chance at revenge. BRIANNA: Is that even possible? GINA: I don't see why not. >You might do real well in a fight, but you're spineless when it comes >to women! > >Ryouga: Yeah... > >Lina: You're too depressed, too! You need to lighten up some! I know >what this needs! BRIANNA [Lina]: Sex! Assume the "69" position! LINA: No! CHEETAH: You're going to warp her, Brianna. [Brianna grins wickedly.] >We switch scenes to a small Chinese restaurant in a small amazon >village. GINA: Hmmm... BRIANNA: Amazons. Could be bad. CHEETAH: Author's had a good track record of avoiding cliches so far, though. LINA: You'll have to explain that one to me later. >There, Lina proceeds to order two of everything on the menu. BRIANNA [Ryouga]: Wow, how are we going to eat all this? LINA [herself]: Who said anything about "we?" CHEETAH: Good girl! GINA: See? It's much easier if you just accept the ribbing. >Lina: And some noodles for Ryouga, too! > >Ryouga: (Eyes bugging out at the pile of teriyaki, noodles, and other >various Chinese foodstuffs sitting in front of Lina) How often do you >eat? > >Lina: It's been two hours since I had a good meal! I'm hungry! GINA: Maybe magic burns a lot of calories or something... CHEETAH: Just drop it, sis. >Ryouga: (Being the nice, tactful guy he is, he chooses to refrain from >smart remarks. CHEETAH: Thereby making him at least twice as smart as Gourry. GINA: Hey! Don't insult Ryouga like that! LINA: A -rock- is probably twice as smart as Gourry. BRIANNA: You don't think very highly of Gourry, do you? LINA: On the contrary, I think very highly of him - as a fighter and a friend. As for the rest...I think I've had dogs that were overall more intelligent. >Or maybe it's because she had hit him with a few dozen fireballs >earlier that day...?) Well, I'm kinda hungry too, haven't had a >decent bite to eat in days! > >Lina: This is MY food! You can't have it! (sucks up an entire bowl of >noodles) *Gulp* GINA: Jinkies, you -are- hungry! LINA: What does "jinkies" mean, anyway? GINA: Um, it's sort of like, "golly," or "gee whiz." LINA: Oh. BRIANNA [Lina]: -crunch- Wow, these noodles are awfully crunchy. CHEETAH [Ryouga]: Um, that's the bowl. >Ryouga: (Bug-eyed) Oh well, might as well as long as she's buying... >Hey! How are you going to pay for all this? BRIANNA [Lina]: By selling my body, of course. LINA: NO! CHEETAH: I wouldn't push her too far, Bri...you never know when Gina might get that anti-magic field deactivated. >Lina: Wifh hmofey, fshufif! BRIANNA: ...that last word could be a lot of things. LINA: I hope you don't think I'm swearing. I don't swear...usually. CHEETAH: This isn't going to be another "DoF" type scene, is it? >(Finishes her fourth rice bowl) *Gulp* I've got plenty of money! ALL [singing]: If I were a rich man... >See? (Tosses her bag of gold coins to Ryouga for inspection. DIGGERS: HEL-lo!! LINA: What? >Ryouga's eyes bug out even more.) > >Ryouga: Gold?! Forget it, I'm not even asking... > >Lina: Eh? What, is gold worthless here? GINA: Um, yeah, yeah, that's it. So, if you'd just like to hand it over, I'll just dispose of it for you. LINA: I don't think so. >How much would a meal like this go for in gold? > >Ryouga: You could buy the store with this much gold! You could >probably get free meals for a year with one of these coins! BRIANNA: That was probably the wrong thing to say... CHEETAH: She'll never leave now. >Lina: Great, I can get some more for the road, then! *Slurp* > >Ryouga: Well, that would help... (He eats his noodles with >considerably more grace than our lovely sorceress is showing.) LINA: ...okay, I'm not sure if I should be pissed or grateful for that last one. >Waiter: GINA: How about by mining? BRIANNA: Well that was lame. GINA: Bite me. >Ryouga: (Hands the waiter a >coin) CHEETAH: So Ryouga's apparently a linguistics expert. BRIANNA: And this surprises you? >Waiter: Aiyaa!! (Takes an expiramental look) > BRIANNA [Lina]: How about you, big boy? LINA: Stop that! BRIANNA: Oh, all right. [Ryouga]: How about you, big boy? LINA: AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! CHEETAH: And I agree again...ugh... >Ryouga: Well, Lina? What else are you gonna take with you? > >Lina: Okay, I want this, this, two of these...(She points to the >pictures beside the entree list as she's talking. The waiter, >understanding, writes them down as she's talking. She's also holding >up fingers for the amount of each dish she wants to have to go. CHEETAH: Why not just pack up the kitchen's entire food stock? It would save time. LINA: Hey! ...Although you're probably right. >Finally, we see Lina and Ryouga leaving the restaurant, Ryouga laden >with bags of Chinese takeout that were too many to all fit in his >backpack. Lina walks beside him carrying one bag. GINA [glaring at Cheetah]: Well, now, -this- is a familiar looking situation. CHEETAH: Ah-heh...um... >It's dark now, and they are entering a forest.) > >Ryouga: Can't you... carry... a few more bags? > >Lina: I'm just fifteen, you can't expect me to be able to -lift- all >those! > >Ryouga: But... I'm sixteen, and- BRIANNA: Word of advice Ryouga - don't try and argue a point with her. LINA: Especially if it involves physical labor. CHEETAH: Good girl. [Lina just shrugs.] >Lina: Walk more, talk less. Come on, hurry up, you can walk a little >faster. > >Ryouga: Alright, alright.. I'm going, I'm going! > >Lina: So who is it you're taking me to? GINA [singing]: We're off to see the wizard... >Ryouga: Well, there's this old woman I know, she and I aren't that >close, but I'm sure she'd help you. BRIANNA: Cologne? GINA: Probably. >Lina: Really? > >Ryouga: She's kind of the local magic authority, and I haven't met >anyone yet who can match her knowledge of the arcane. She might know >something, and if she doesn't, well, at least I tried, right? LINA: He's perpetually down, isn't he. [The sisters all nod.] >Lina: Better than wandering around aimlessly... CHEETAH: Oh, don't worry, you'll get to do plenty of that. GINA: Couldn't you just cast a directional spell or something? LINA: Yes, -I- could...but that's not me. >(She realizes who she's saying this to.) Hehe.. > >Ryouga: Very funny. That's it, I'm setting up camp. (He drops his >multitude of Chinese takeout bags and takes the camping supplies out >of his backpack. As Lina sits back and watches, he puts up a tent and >sets one sleeping bag inside, the other outside.) > >Lina: You're a chivalrous little guy, aren't you? BRIANNA: So, you just automatically assume that the tent's for you? LINA: Of course! GINA: Since this is Ryouga, I'm inclined to agree with her. >Ryouga: I couldn't sleep in the same tent as a girl! I- > >Lina: Whatever, as long as I have a nice, dry place to sleep, I >couldn't care less where _you_ stay. LINA: Hey! CHEETAH: And here I thought the author liked you. >Are you sure? It's okay, I don't mind, really! BRIANNA: And then contradicts herself one line later. >Ryouga: No, I'll just stay up for a while, if that's okay with you. > >Lina: Sure, if you want to... *Yawn* I'm going to bed, walking around >all day in the hot sun wipes you out! And carrying all that takeout >didn't help... (Even though Ryouga carried almost all of it, except >for the one token bag Lina carried.) GINA: Yes, thank you, we were aware of this. BRIANNA: It was only mentioned earlier on the page. >Just don't wander off while I'm asleep, okay? CHEETAH: Oh, good luck with that. LINA: Why? BRIANNA: He'd get lost trying to find a bush to relieve himself behind. LINA: Yikes...that -is- bad. >Ryouga: Yeah, yeah... Goodnight, Lina-san. > >Lina: Goodnight, Ryouga! (She crawls into the tent and curls up in her >sleeping bag. She falls asleep almost instantly. Ryouga sits up on a >nearby rock and leans back, enjoying the view of the stars.) GINA [Ryouga]: Oh, look, there's Dick Clark! BRIANNA: How in the world did he get cable out there? >Ryouga: Lina was right, though, I'm gonna have to tell her sooner or >later... Akane... Telling her is the only way I'll ever have a chance >at something better than being her pet... CHEETAH: I can't believe it takes the words of a -complete-stranger- to finally get him going on this. BRIANNA [to Ryouga]: Are you sure you want to give that up? You won't be able to sleep with her again...for awhile... >(A resolution forms inside him.) I'm not going to let Ranma get in my >way this time! I'm going to tell her I love her, and he can't stop me! GINA: That's nice, but Ranma hasn't always been the problem, Ryouga dear. >(He notices the clouds overhead obscuring his view of the stars.) It's >going to rain soon... I'll have to sleep inside the tent tonight. BRIANNA: Bow-chicka-bow-bow... CHEETAH: I doubt it. GINA: This is -Ryouga- we're talking about here. LINA: Huh? >*Sigh* Lina-san'll get over it. LINA: As long as he doesn't wake me up. >(He crawls into the tent, dragging his sleeping bag behind him. >Careful not to disturb Lina, he falls asleep against the side wall. >Lina continues to sleep obliviously; she doesn't care.) CHEETAH: Well, obviously she doesn't care - she's ASLEEP, she doesn't know what's going on! >**************** BRIANNA: Ah! It's a meteor shower! LINA: Those must be the stars Ryouga was watching. >The next morning, Gourry, Zel, and Amelia get up out of their sleeping >bags BRIANNA: All two of them. CHEETAH [sigh] LINA: ...I didn't quite follow that. GINA: She's implying that two of them slept together. LINA: Oh. [pause] Which ones? BRIANNA [Xellos]: That's a secret. LINA: AHHH! Don't -do- that! >to a beautiful sunrise. The beauty of it is somewhat marred by the >constant whining of the two less intelligent Slayers.) CHEETAH: They can spoil anything, can't they. >Amelia: I'm hungry! I want breakfast! BRIANNA: I gotta go potty! GINA: Are we there yet? CHEETAH: Johnny hit me! >Gourry: *Yawn* Why'd we have to get up at dawn?! I'm too tired... > >Zel: Look, why don't we go ahead and leave? Standing here gets us >nowhere! We have to find Lina, remember? GINA: No, actually they probably don't. LINA: At least, Gourry probably doesn't. >Gourry: Hai, hai... > >Zel: What we need is a plan on how to look for her. This world is >huge, BRIANNA [world]: I'm HUGE! >according to this map, and we can't travel the whole thing. CHEETAH: Why not? Ryouga does. >Amelia: Well, the guide gave us that copy of the guest book, if we >wanted to look up this.. 'No-sense-direction boy' for ourselves... > >Zel: Yes, that -would- be a good place to start. But, according to >this map, his house is hundreds of kilometers away on a set of nearby >islands... > >Gourry: So we can head in that general direction... Maybe we'll luck >out and meet him on the way! LINA: Good boy! >Zel: Well, a good idea in theory... but there has to be a reason that >man calls him 'No-sense-direction boy.' > >Amelia: Maybe because he has no sense of direction? > >Zel: Very good. GINA [Zel]: Here, have a Scooby Snack. >He and Lina could be anywhere by now, we have no way of...wait a >minute! > >Amelia: What? BRIANNA [Zel]: I just realized I look damn good in a dress! LINA: Actually...he does. >Zel: Why didn't I think of that yesterday? I can cast a detection >spell, and maybe enchant a rock or something to home in on her current >location. Then, we can use that as a compass! CHEETAH [to Lina]: Couldn't you do that with, say, Tokyo? LINA: I -could-, but as I believe I've mentioned before- DIGGERS: That's not you. LINA: Exactly. >Amelia: Good thinking, Zelgadis-san! And while you use your Shamanist >magic to do that, BRIANNA: Are you -sure- you could do that? I mean, if it's a Shamanist spell... LINA: Look, I know some Shamanism, all right? And not all of my spells are destructive. >I'll just have myself a bite to eat for breakfast! (Walks happily over >to the bag with their extra food in it. Between Gourry and her, Zel >know's he'll starve if he doesn't do something.) > >Zel: Wait! You can't just pig out! > >Amelia: Why not?! > >Zel: Um.. because, uh, we might not be able to get any more food for a >while, so we should save what we have! Yeah, that's it! > >Amelia: Oh.. okay... > >Gourry: Sure! LINA: Wow...I should try that when I get back. >Zel leaves their clearing and finds another nice clearing not far >away. He BRIANNA: ...strips naked and takes out the picture of Naga he always carries with him, then starts to- CHEETAH: NO! LINA: I think I'm going to be sick. >draws a magic circle in the dirt, and places a few leaves over it. He >puts a large black stone GINA: It's the Dark Crystal! CHEETAH: No, it's the Monolith! LINA: You're both wrong, it's the Philosopher's Stone. BRIANNA: It's Thanadrox! LINA: What? GINA: Shameless author plug there. -BOOM- VOICE: Please try and refrain from intentionally breaching the Wall. >in the center of the circle. Chanting, he infuses the stone with earth >magic. The best he can do, though, is to fix it up to home in on >extremely powerful sources of magic, can't be many of those in this >world, right? BRIANNA: Probably not. CHEETAH: They're bigger on "chi" here. >When he attempts to use it, it glows to the west, and to the >southeast. He ignores the glow to the west, since that is where >Jusenkyo is. The other glow has to be Lina! He returns to the >campsite, where Gourry and Amelia have both fallen asleep again. BRIANNA: In each other's arms, after a passionate round of lovemaking. LINA: Gah! CHEETAH: Brianna... >Zel: (Shaking them both gently) WAKE UP YOU BAKAS!!!!!!! GINA [rubbing her ears]: And using a megaphone, apparently. >Amelia: AHHH!! > >Gourry: WAAHHH!!! I'm up, I'm up!! CHEETAH: Heh...just be glad he didn't splash cold water on you to wake you up, Gourry. >Amelia: Did you find her? > >Zel: Southeast. Let's go! > >Amelia: Right! > >Gourry: *Snore...* GINA: Whoa... BRIANNA: How is that even -possible-? -Nobody- can fall asleep that quickly. CHEETAH: They can if they don't have that many brain functions to shut down. GINA: I see you've selected a new target. CHEETAH: Hey, there's no Sailor Moon - I've gotta make fun of -somebody-. >Zel: *Sigh...* This is gonna be a -long- trip... > >****************** LINA: A barrage of fireballs! >Now Lina is waking up, to the smell of BRIANNA [darkly]: Death! CHEETAH [Lina]: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. >fried rice. She sees Ryouga outside, heating up some of the takeout >over an open fire. GINA [sining]: Chow meeeeein...roasting on an open fire... >She notices the slept-in bedroll in the tent lying against the tent >wall. BRIANNA: She then notices she isn't wearing anything, and there's a strange sticky sensation around her- LINA: NO!! -SMACK- BRIANNA: Ow! CHEETAH: I notice you're not joining in on these today, Gina. GINA: Well, I'm the one who brought her here...I figure I owe her at least that much. >Lina: Changed your mind, huh? BRIANNA: Odd, I don't remember her offering. LINA: Grrr... CHEETAH: I thought you said you were going to stop those. BRIANNA: But they're so hard to resist! >Ryouga: It was going to rain... Your breakfast's almost ready. > >Lina: Thanks! Why didn't you wake me up? > >Ryouga: Didn't really need to, did I? You were dead as a brick >anyway.(He grins.) > >Lina: Anyway, I see we're having, what'd you call it, Chinese, for >breakfast. What a surprise! GINA: Sarcasm so thick, you can cut it with a knife. >Ryouga: I hope you're hungry, 'cuz I don't want to carry all that food >the whole way! Help yourself! CHEETAH: Don't say that, she'll eat all of it. >Lina: Don't mind if I do! (Pops a wonton in her mouth and sighs >contentedly) This is the life... Just me, nature, and lots of Chinese >takeout! GINA: Well, she's adjusting well. BRIANNA: But it's Chinese...won't she just be hungry again in like an hour or so? CHEETAH: She'll be hungry again in a hour or so anyway... LINA [sighs] >Ryouga: Heh, yup... CHEETAH: Awww, they're bonding. BRIANNA: You know, something just occurred to me. GINA: What is it? BRIANNA: What are the three usual hallmarks of a self-insertion character? GINA: Well, one, they're usually more powerful than the normal characters. BRIANNA: Which I think we can safely assume Lina is. [Lina grins.] CHEETAH: Two, they usually wind up solving the problems of the series. BRIANNA: Which Lina appears to be on her way to doing. [Lina grins even wider.] GINA: And three...oh, dear. LINA: What? GINA: Um, three is that they usually wind up in a romantic relationship with one of the main characters. BRIANNA: Exactly. CHEETAH: Uh-oh. LINA: ...You mean...you think Ryouga...and I... GINA: Could be. I mean, you're getting along well. LINA: ... BRIANNA: Hey, it could be worse...it could be a lemon. LINA: ...o_O... GINA: Oh, good one Brianna. CHEETAH: I think we just sent her into shock. >Little do they know a gang of trademark bandits have been following >them since last night at the restaurant. GINA: Well, seeing herself kick butt should snap her out of it. LINA: ... BRIANNA: "Trademark bandits?" They steal trademarks? >The thieves have only now managed to catch up with them, given >Ryouga's horrible lack of direction. > >Leader: (To the other thieves) Now remember, don't underestimate them, >they managed to get us lost four times yesterday! CHEETAH: That's all? BRIANNA [GM]: Any character attempting to follow Ryouga must make a sanity roll every 20 minutes or risk going crazy. LINA: ... >They probably know they're being tracked and they're trying to throw >us off, so we must strike while they are still off guard, before they >can wander off again! > >Other thieves: Hai! DIGGERS: Hikeeba! LINA: ... >Leader: Let's go! > >(Lina and Ryouga are suddenly surrounded by about 12-18 bandits >looking for gold. Ryouga looks around frantically, Lina just glances >at them cooly.) LINA: ...huh? GINA: Oh, good, she's coming out of it. >Lina: What do you want? > >Leader: Give us your precious metals, little girl, before you get >hurt! LINA: Do I get to smack him? CHEETAH: I'll bet you do more than that. >Ryouga: What?! How dare you threaten her like that! I oughta- BRIANN [Ryouga]: Give you a blow-job! CHEETAH: GAH! LINA: Ugh...-SMACK- BRIANNA: Ow! GINA: Yeah, she's back. >Lina: Take it easy, Ryouga, I can take care of these losers with one >spell shot. FIRE... BRIANNA: Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't her spells require the presence of one of many higher beings that are specific to the "Slayers" universe? GINA: Yes... BRIANNA: Then how come they still work here? CHEETAH: It's fanfiction, the author can do whatever she pleases. BRIANNA: Ah. Thank you. LINA: Wait, does that mean my spells wouldn't work on the SOD anyways? GINA: Hmmm...I'm not sure... >Bandits: Attack! (They all attack at once, converging on the two >innocent travelers in a wave.) > >Lina: BALL!!!! (All of the thieves are blown back by the blast, and >Ryouga finds himself surrounded by human-sized lumps of ash with >blinking eyes. LINA: Boo-ya! CHEETAH: Well, you've obviously gotten some cultural exposure. BRIANNA: How come Ryouga didn't get fried as well? GINA: I'd really hate to see her stat sheet in a role-playing game... >The ash lumps run away in a hurry.) > >Ryouga: Good job, Lina-san! I could've taken them, though... > >Lina: Oh, really? I'll let you handle the next batch, then. > >Ryouga: Next batch? GINA: Just remember to take them out of the oven when they're done. >Lina: They were obviously after my gold, CHEETAH [O'Brian]: Yeah, they're always after me lucky charms. OTHERS [giggle] CHEETAH [O'Brian]: What? Why's everyone always laugh when I say that?! GINA: The "Austin Powers" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. >and if these guys heard about a couple of filthy rich teenage >travelers going around China, I'll bet lots of other groups know, too. LINA: And probably assume that two teenagers will make an easy target. >Ryouga: Oh yeah... > >Lina: Me and my big stomach! What a price to pay for takeout! GINA: How come you're so comfortable with the idea of "takeout?" LINA: How am I supposed to know?! >Oh well, now these guys'll spread the word that there's a sorceress >going around killing innocent bandits. BRIANNA: Innocent? I should think not. CHEETAH: But they didn't die... >You take the bad with the good, I guess...heh... just like in my >world! > >Ryouga: You do stuff like this in your world? > >Lina: All the time! I'm known as Lina the Bandit Killer... BRIANNA: You're known as far more than that. LINA: Please, don't remind me. >God, I hate that name! LINA: Hey, it's better than "Dragoon Spooker." >(Ryouga snickers.) Hey, pig-boy, I wouldn't laugh if I were you! >(Ryouga's face grows dark at the familiar insult.) CHEETAH: Ooo, wrong choice of words there. LINA: How so...oh, nevermind, I get it. GINA: And here we see the Ryouga, utilizing its ability to change its color to blend into its environment... >Ryouga: Don't call me that! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's >when people make fun of my curse! > >Lina: Chill out, Ryouga, I didn't mean it. CHEETAH: Ah! Lina's turning into a valley girl! >Anyway, I'm a sword-for-hire in my world, living a life of adventure! > >Ryouga: Sounds fun! I'll have to visit there sometime! If you can find >a way to get there, I mean... LINA: Believe me, it's not all fun and games. >Lina: Yeah, you'd like it. More dragons than this place has.. but I >have to get back there first. I wonder if my friends came after me? I >told the guide to give them a map if they came.. but... > >Ryouga: Yeah, no telling if they'd ever find us. (They laugh at this.) CHEETAH: And the bonding continues. LINA: ...I'm just going to try and not think about it. BRIANNA: That's probably for the best. >Hey, is that..?(He notices some figures in the distance) > >Lina: Yup... Like I said, you'll have to deal with a few of those... LINA: Ugh...it's the first trip to Sairaag all over again... >Ryouga: Okay, since you can obviously handle yourself in a fight, we >can just take turns. > >Lina: Sounds good to me! These guys are yours. > >Ryouga: Thanks! (Salutes and goes to meet the next group.) > >Thief: H-how did you see us?! CHEETAH [Ryouga]: With my eyes, dumb-ass. GINA: You're being hostile again. >Ryouga: Are you kidding me? Anyone with a little knowledge of nature >sounds could hear you guys coming a mile away! I'll give you people >one chance to run away before you get injured. > >Thief 2: How dare you insult the Serpent Gang like that! You will be >punished! LINA: Heh...what a stupid name for a gang. >Lina: (From sidelines) The Serpent Gang?! What kind of stupid name is >that? CHEETAH: That was...eerie. GINA: Extremely. >Ryouga: (Meanwhile...) BRIANNA: At stately Wayne Manor... >Bakusaitenketsu! *BOOM* ALL: SHAKALAKA! >You asked for it! Take this! And this! BRIANNA: Come on, can't you at least -attempt- to tell us what's going on? CHEETAH: I guess the whole budget got used up on that fireball. >(No mere gang of thieves is a match for Ryouga Hibiki! GINA: I'm sensing a definite author preference here. [The others nod.] >They soon flee the battle, most covered in bruises and lesions.) > >Lina: Niiice! (Gives him a big hand) CHEETAH [Ryouga]: What the heck am I supposed to do with this? LINA [herself]: Um, wave it around at sporting events? >Ryouga: Really, it was nothing! (He grins wide and scratches the back >of his head modestly.) > >Lina: You're handy in a fight, I'll give you that! I'll tell you what, BRIANNA [Lina]: Why don't we see how handy you are in bed? LINA: Brianna, please... BRIANNA: I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. >you can have the next batch of bandits, too! GINA: What happened to switching off? >Ryouga: Um, thanks, I guess... Anyway, let's pack up before something >else happens. (He packs up the camping supplies, then packs the >takeout on top of that. What won't fit in his pack, he just carries. >Once again, Lina takes one of the lightest bags, to show she's >helping. [Gina just glares at Cheetah, who fidgets nervously.] >Ryouga realizes complaining won't help him, so he keeps his mouth >shut. Wow, he catches on quick!) LINA: That he does. BRIANNA: Ryouga's not really stupid, just a little dense at times. CHEETAH: Most of the time is more like it. >****************** GINA: Um...cave paintings? >End of Part Two ALL: Yay! >****************** BRIANNA: Maybe it's a frozen Slip 'N Slide... >Thank you, all the people who have sent me encouragement for this >story! CHEETAH: May you all burn in hell. GINA: Oh, now it wasn't that bad. >It's my first real attempt at fanfiction, and I really like hearing >your comments! Send them to cristina@netdoor.com ! Stay tuned for Part >Three: Lina in Nerima! LINA: Catchy... >For all of those who anticipate a Lina/Ranma Clash of the Egos, LINA: Hey! >you won't be disappointed! Note: I assume Ryouga, for the sake of the >story, knows at least rudimentary Chinese from all his traveling >around China. BRIANNA: I'd be very surprised if that's the only language he's picked up. >Be prepared for even more mayhem next episode! CHEETAH: Same bat time, same bat channel! GINA: And we're out of here! [They exit.] [1]-[2]-[3]-[4]-[5]-[6] * * * Brianna and Cheetah were back in the Holocabana, dressed once again as Cammy and Chun-Li. Lina had joined them, dressed - somewhat self-consciously - as Sakura. They were all waiting for Brianna to finish some last minute adjustments to the practice program. "So, this will let me cast spells, right?" Lina asked. "For all intents and purposes, yeah," answered Brianna. "You won't actually be casting spells, but if you call out the spell name, or do the incantation or hand motion or whatever is called for, it will simulate that particular spell being cast." "Why are we doing this again?" interjected Cheetah. Brianna sighed. "Because Lina doesn't have the requisite hand- to-hand combat skills needed to work here," she replied. "So I'm giving her a range of her attack spells to basically function as chi attacks; that way, she can participate. There, all done!" she added triumphantly. The control panel she had been working on gave a few beeps, then vanished from sight. "Well, then let's get going," said the were-cat. "Magic Voice, give us an army of Ken's - chi setting on, difficulty 5." "Compliance!" Instantly, a horde of red-clad Ken Masters descended upon the three ladies, hurling fireballs and trying to get close enough for a Dragon Punch. Cheetah and Brianna were immediately all over the attacking figures. Lina watched, impressed, as the two sisters started hurling holographic bodies everywhere, while at the same time easily dodging to incoming punches and chi balls. If she had to make any conclusions, the sorceress figured that, while the attackers were more skilled, the overwhelming advantage in strength and speed allowed the Diggers to, well, overwhelm their opponents. That was as far as she got, however, before she noticed a group of Ken's coming right at her. "All right then, let's see if this works," she said to herself. With practiced ease, she drew her arms to her right side, cupping them into an all-too-familiar form. "FIRE-" The holo program, noticing the maneuver and the beginning of the spell, wrapped her in mystic looking lights. "BALL!!" She thrust her arms forward, and an extremely realistic-looking fireball leapt from her outstretched hands; when it reached the ground right in the middle of the cluster of charging Ken's, it exploded in a very satisfy manner, leaving nothing but a large crater in the ground. Lina grinned wickedly. "It's not the real thing, but I think I can definitely use this for some stress relief," she said as she shifted her attention to another group of opponents. "FLARE ARROW!!" Back in the lab, Gina was busily sifting through the diagnostics of the satellite's systems she had managed to compile over the weeks. It had taken her much longer than usual, but she had felt compelled to be cautious, in case Mandark - and then Jinnai - had been able to monitor her work. Her conversation with Peachbody a few days earlier had confirmed her suspicions, although it didn't appear that the Bugrom leader was aware of her actions yet. After the story had ended, she had agreed to stay on the bridge to chitchat with the Boy Wonder, while the others went to the Holocabana. While she didn't exactly enjoy talking to Jinnai, she had needed to be alone so she could work without the others finding out. The dog genius had threatened to disconnect life support if he discovered she had told anyone else of his presence, and she wasn't about to test him just yet. So she had put up with Jinnai's ranting - thankfully not for very long today - and then gone straight to her lab. She had known at the end of their first day here that she was going to need a complete understanding of the satellite's workings in order to get them off; now, with a complete set of system schematics, she realized just how complicated the situation was. Obviously, Jinnai didn't fully understand how the satellite worked - Gina had never had any doubts about that, and had immediately dismissed him as a true problem. The real challenge lay in overcoming the security systems Mandark had installed when he had created the satellite. And now, doing so without alerting Peachbody, as well as dealing with his obviously more intricate knowledge of the station's operations. The problem was that, as far as she could tell, all of the security systems were linked in one form or another to the self- destruct mechanism - shutting down any system without somehow rerouting the link would destroy the ship and kill them all. Sighing wearily, she stood up and stretched her back. Taking a moment to glance around the room, her eyes fell on her failed dimensional communicator - the device that had inadvertently brought Lina to the satellite. She glanced back down at the diagnostics, an idea beginning to form. It would be risky - very risky. And she would have to be extremely cautious, in order to avoid tipping off the dog. And it would be time consuming, since she not only wouldn't be able to enlist Brianna's help, but also would have to make sure no one else found out about it. She would only get one shot at it when the time came. It would be worth it, though; and it was the best option she had yet come up with. Grinning, she sat back down and started working. * * * Mr. MiSTer's notes: Closing in on the end of the satellite period here... Yay! My first MiSTing of someone who's not a member of SVAM or C-Ko's! I'm so HAPPY! Not much to add this time around. No offense is meant to Christina - in fact, I rather enjoyed this series when I first read it. I latched onto it as MiSTing fodder, however, due mainly to the nature of the shows being combined. And my firm belief that Lina is a tad OOC here. I mean, I believe she'd turn down a reward as well - but not because the reward happened to be valuable! Sorry, I'm getting off on a rant here... One more note here: the joke about the sanity rolls for following Ryouga is, if I recall correctly, based on an actual RPG profile someone put together for him. I can't for the life of me remember where it was, though. If anyone can tell me, I'd appreciate it. >Lina: (Looking at the bracelet with a practised eye) It's beautiful! >You shouldn't part with this, you could sell it for a _lot_ of gold! >Reward or no, I just can't accept it!