Gold Digger Theater 3000 - Episode 7
 "Gold Digger" is the copyrighted property of Fred Perry and Antarctic
 Press
 MST3K is the copyrighted property of Best Brains, Inc.
 "El-Hazard" is the copyrighted property of Pioneer and AIC
 "Slayers" is the copyrighted property of Kadokawa Publishing, TV Tokyo,
 SoftX, and Software Sculptors
 "Slayers 1/2" is the property of Christina Rose

 MiSTing by Chris Rand (ctrand@yahoo.com)

         *       *       *

         "Oh my God, it's coming right for us!"
         -BOOM-
         "Brianna, could you PLEASE try not to do that?"
         Brianna gave a sheepish grin.  "Sorry, Cheets.  Reflex, and all
 that."
         The two sisters were once again in the Holocabana, awaiting the
 inevitable communication from the High Moron, Jinnai (as they had taken
 to calling him behind his back).  This time, however, they were inside
 Brianna's real-life "Quake" program; they had been running a team
 deathmatch with about 20 computer-controlled opponents for nearly half
 an hour, and Cheetah was beginning to get bored.
         Normally she was all in favor of a good round of "Quake" - it
 helped her relieve stress, much like here own "Street Fighter" program
 did.  The problem was that Brianna had altered the basic game code so
 she could use weapons of her own design.  Which meant the poor NPC's
 had a less-than-zero chance of even getting a shot off.
         At the moment, Cheetah was equipped with nothing more than her
 own hands and feet (and super strength, speed and agility).  She tried
 to avoid using the game's weapons, since it gave her more satisfaction
 to take down her opponents with her bare knuckles.  Brianna, on the
 other hand, was comfortably seated in a contraption eerily similar to
 Gina's own "La-Z-Boy of Doom:" a hover-chair outfitted with plasma
 cannons, missile launchers, and most likely several other weapons that
 Cheetah wasn't aware of.  The targeting system was so advanced, her
 sister could detect opponents on the far side of the level - meaning
 she could track every player on the field as soon as they showed up.
 Brianna called it being careful; to Cheetah it just seemed like
 cheating.
         The were-cat allowed herself another weary sigh.  "Look, why
 don't you just get off that thing and use the normal weapons?" she
 asked for what felt like the twentieth time.
         "Because I'm having fun!" Brianna replied, also for what felt
 like the twentieth time.  "Oo, oo, look, here comes another one!"  Sure
 enough, a NPC stuck its head around the corner at the far end of the
 room.
         "Gotcha!" exclaimed Brianna gleefully, as she pulled one of the
 multitude of triggers again.  This time, an obscenely huge gattling
 cannon popped out of the top of the LZBoD, quickly swiveling to point
 directly at the computer player.  Cheetah could have sworn she heard
 the NPC go "eep" before a hailstorm of metal projectiles destroyed it,
 the wall it was hiding behind, and a large chunk of the wall behind it.
         She shook her head in disgust.  "Well, then, you go ahead and
 keep having fun.  I'm going to go see what Gina and Lina are doing.
 Magic Voice, exit please."  With that, she turned and wandered back
 towards the doorway that had materialized behind them.
         Brianna watcher her sister leave, then shrugged and turned back
 to her targeting computer.  "More for me, then," she said happily.

         Back on the bridge, the resident archaeologist and sorceress were
 playing a relatively quiet game of Go Fish while waiting for Jinnai to
 call.
         "Do you have any threes?" asked Lina.
         "Shoot," grumbled Gina, before handing over two of said card.
 The young redhead cackled merrily before adding another two to the two
 she had just been given and placing the stack of four down in front of
 her.
         The archaeologist studied her own cards, trying to decide what to
 ask for.  Briefly her gaze slid to the covered object sitting on the
 bridge control console.  She grinned slightly: Jinnai was going to be
 shown up once again during the invention exchange.  Then she allowed
 herself a yawn and gave her back a good stretch.
         The fact that she had managed to finish the invention at all was
 nothing short of a miracle, given how little time she had been able to
 devote to it.  Most of her time the last few days had been spent first
 working out the kinks in the escape plan she had finally managed to
 think up, and then beginning work on the actual equipment they would
 need.  Add to that the extra time she had spent making sure her lab was
 observation-proof, and it had left her almost no time to do the
 invention.  She hadn't been about to ask Brianna again, though, after
 the death ray her sister had constructed last time - one gun was enough
 for her.
         Gina felt like she hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in nearly a
 week; and in truth, she probably hadn't.  But her plan was closing in
 on completion, and she had to make sure everything was done just right.
 She would only get one shot at their escape, and she needed to make sure
 it would work.
         Rubbing her eyes, she returned her attention to her cards, just
 as the communication light started to flash.
         "It's about time," she grumbled, as she leaned back to press the
 button.
         When the hex-field irised open, the two ladies found themselves
 staring at a purple Bugrom, with no Jinnai in sight.
         "Um, hello," ventured Lina, just as Cheetah wandered onto the
 bridge.
         "Hey, where's leader boy?" the were-cat asked.
         The Bugrom - Katsuo, if Gina remembered correctly - started
 saying something in Bugromese.  She was about to remind him that none
 of them spoke his language, when yellow subtitles appeared at the
 bottom of the screen.  ~Never mind,~ she thought.
         "His Imperialness will not be able to speak to you today," the
 script read.  "He has come down with a severe fever and is unable to
 get out of bed."
         "Ain't that a shame," said Cheetah with a wry smile, as the
 bridge doors opened and Brianna emerged from the corridor.
         Katsuo glared at the were-cat briefly before continuing.  "Since
 he was stricken with this illness yesterday, he was unable to complete
 his invention for the exchange.  However, you are welcome to display
 yours."
         "Well, that sort of takes most of the fun out of it, but okay,"
 replied Gina.  She got out of her chair and wandered over to the
 console where the invention lay.  "Behold, the Comprehensive
 Oscillating Karaoke Exterminating Machine - or COKE Machine, as I like
 to call it."  She whipped off the cover, revealing what looked like a
 miniaturized jukebox.
         As the others all stared at it, the scientist explained.  "Now,
 while karaoke can be a fun and enjoyable experience (especially after
 about six or so beers), there are some songs that normal people just
 should not be allowed to sing.  Whenever a karaoke version of one of
 these songs is created, the COKE Machine emits an electro-magnetic
 pulse designed to wipe that particular song off any and all karaoke
 players.  Observe."  She twisted a few knobs on the device, then
 pressed one of the buttons.  The COKE Machine hummed for a few moments,
 emitted a "pop," then fell silent again.  "There.  I've just wiped out
 all the karaoke versions of 'Unchained Melody.' I know -I'll- certainly
 be sleeping easier tonight."
         "But I -love- singing 'Unchained Melody,' Gina!" interrupted
 Cheetah.
         "I know."  Cheetah's only response to that was to stick out her
 tongue at her older sister.
         On the screen, Katsuo was scratching his head.  "Well,
 that's...unusual," he said.  "Anyway, your experiment for today is the
 continuation of the crossover you started last time.  Enjoy."
         "I'll get you for that little dig, Gina," said were-cat as the
 warning lights started to flash.
         "Later, you two," interrupted Lina.  "Right now, WE'VE GOT FANFIC
 SIGN!"

         *       *       *

 [6]-[5]-[4]-[3]-[2]-[1]

 [The ladies take their seats.]

 >Okay, this is the third installment of my Slayers/Ranma crossover,

 LINA: Here we go again...
 GINA: Just be glad you weren't here when we first started doing
 these...

 >and if you have any comments, questions, requests for other parts,
 >protests against the Japanese dialog I've added for entertainment,

 BRIANNA: Can I protest in advance?
 GINA: As long as she doesn't do entire sections of dialog, I don't
 really care.

 >etc., please send them to cristina@netdoor.com I love getting reader
 >feedback, positive or negative!
 >
 >Say, here's a thought: Akane learns black magic!

 ALL: @_@
 CHEETAH: That's...a thought, all right.
 BRIANNA: A very dangerous thought.

 >Ranma: You are _so_ uncute!
 >
 >Akane: Ranma no baka! DRAGON SLAVE!!!!

 LINA: Ack...
 GINA: What?
 LINA: I'm just remembering when Amelia asked me to teach her that
 spell.
 BRIANNA: That's about what it would be like, yeah.

 >From the desk of Christina the Great

 GINA: Lesser-known second cousin of Alexander the Great.

 >comes...
 >
 >Slayers 1/2

 ALL: Dun-dun-DUUUUN!

 >Part Three
 >
 >Clash of the Titans!

 CHEETAH: It's Medusa!  Run!
 LINA: Huh?
 BRIANNA: Bad joke, pay it no mind.

 >If you haven't read the last two parts, well, read them! It all
 >started when Lina and Amelia were making their usual short work of
 >trademark Slayers bandits.

 BRIANNA: Oh no, the story's recycling!

 >The grateful merchant women

 LINA: I still say "Toby" is a damn odd name for a woman to have.

 >gave them a ruby-studded silver bracelet as a reward...
 >
 >Amelia: No, a reward isn't necessary, the justice in my heart is
 >enough...

 CHEETAH: To make us suppress a gag reflex.
 BRIANNA: Amen to that.

 >Lina: (Elbows Amelia) SHUT UP!

 ALL: Thank you!

 >But the bracelet contains a dark secret, it is really a sort of gate,
 >that when worn, will send the bearer to another world. Lina finds this
 >out the hard way, and Zel, Gourry, and Amelia end up having to go
 >after her. On the other world, a man tells her she is in Jusenkyo,
 >Training Ground of Cursed Springs. She casts Levitation before she
 >falls into one of the springs (Author snaps fingers, "Dangit!")

 CHEETAH: Grrr...
 GINA: Easy, Brit.

 >and the guide tells her about the springs. He offers her a map and
 >some food as well. But then he tries to cook a certain diminutive
 >black piggy and Lina has to rescue him ('cuz he's so cute!).

 BRIANNA: Dammit, we don't need a recap of the entire plot!

 >The guide suggests jokingly that it might be a poor unfortunate that
 >fell into Hitueniichuan, Spring of Drowned Pig. Lina isn't amused.

 LINA: No, she most definitely is not.

 >She pours some hot water on him, just to make sure. But she wasn't
 >expecting to see a naked Ryouga in the steam...

 LINA [blushing]: And we don't need to see this part again, thank you.

 >Lina: AIEE!! PERVERT!! DIGGER BOLT!!!
 >
 >Ryouga: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 GINA: All together now!
 ALL: Poor Ryouga.

 >But after the initial shock,

 BRIANNA: Literally.

 >they introduced themselves, and Ryouga was willing to help Lina find a
 >way back, but warned her at the outset of the journey that he had a
 >horrible sense of direction,

 CHEETAH: [cough]-tracking spell-[cough]
 LINA: We went through this last time...

 >and that it might take a few weeks to find the old woman who could
 >help her. She agreed, and they set out.
 >
 >Meanwhile, Gourry and Amelia are enjoying a Lina-less meal,

 CHEETAH: New Lina-less meals, from Healthy Choice!
 BRIANNA: Now with half the fat, too!
 LINA: Ack!
 GINA: That was unnecessary.

 >and Zel finally gets tired of waiting and goes ahead. He meets the
 >Jusenkyo Guide also, and is about to ask about Naaniichuan, Spring of
 >Drowned Man, when Gourry and Amelia finally come through, right over a
 >spring. Zel saves Amelia with a Diem Wing spell,

 ALL [singing]: Zel and Amelia, sitting in a tree....

 >but it turns out she didn't have anything to worry about, since it was
 >Nyaniichuan, Spring of Drowned Girl, and she was already a girl.
 >Now Gourry, on the other hand...

 BRIANNA: Is unfortunately going to become the victim of quite possibly
 the most-often abused plot device in all of Ranma fanfiction.

 >Gourry-chan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'M A GIRL!! WAAAaaaaahh!
 >
 >Amelia: Come on Gourry, being a girl isn't _that_ bad, is it?
 >
 >Zel: I think it's hilarious! HAHAHAHA!!

 LINA: That's just...creepy.
 CHEETAH [Harley]: I've never seen you laugh before...I don't think I
 like it.
 GINA: 10 points to anyone who can name that episode.

 >Gourry-chan: Waaaaaaaah!
 >
 >Meanwhile, Lina offered to pay a rather large bill for a few hundred
 >pounds of Chinese food she had ordered, since Ryouga didn't have any
 >money, but she paid it with a gold coin out of her money pouch.
 >Several people saw this, and the rumors of two rich teenagers
 >traveling around China without anyone protecting them spread rapidly.

 GINA: And should have been dispelled when every group that went after
 them was summarily trounced.

 >Now Lina and Ryouga are being pursued by several groups of trademark
 >Slayers-style bandits. Not that it's anything more than a bother to
 >them, since they're taking turns beating them up. And they still have
 >to find Japan, too.
 >
 >Zelgadis has enspelled a compass stone to hone in on whatever Lina's
 >current location is, but it could still be hard to trace her, given
 >who she's travelling with. Let's just hope this part of the journey
 >ends soon!

 BRIANNA: Yes, so we can get to the actual STORY!!

 >Zel: Okay, now all we do is follow whatever direction the stone glows
 >in, and we'll catch up to her in no time at all! Stone reads... north
 >by northwest?

 GINA: Norse by Norsewest.
 BRIANNA: You played that?
 GINA: Nope.

 >Amelia: Didn't it read southeast earlier?
 >
 >Zel: AARGH!! How can they move from southeast of us to northwest of us
 >in three days?

 CHEETAH: Plot contrivance?
 GINA: Well, obviously.
 BRIANNA: Ryouga -is- a walking contrivance, after all.

 >Amelia: They must be close!
 >
 >Gourry: Can you tell me how that thing works again?

 LINA: CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE SMACK HIM?!

 >As Zelgadis is beginning to regret ever joining the Slayers team, Lina
 >and Ryouga have made some progress. At least, some would call it
 >progress...

 BRIANNA: Knowing Ryouga, I think I'd be in the category of those who
 -wouldn't- call it progress.

 >Ryouga: Hmm, looks like we're on Mount Fuji...

 GINA: I see we've conveniently skipped their entire trip across the
 sea.

 >Lina: I don't care what mountain we're on! We ran out of Chinese food
 >two hours ago and I'm starving! Find us a restaurant soon, before I
 >die!

 LINA: Please, no jokes about my appetite today.
 CHEETAH: We'll try.

 >Ryouga: I'm trying! Let's see, Nerima's two-hundred miles south of
 >here...or was that north? Or was that Okinawa? Hokkaido? Kyoto?

 GINA: Somebody get that boy a map!
 BRIANNA: To hell with a map...someone get him a GPS system!

 >Lina: Who cares? Just find a place to eat!
 >
 >Ryouga: Well, at least the bandits have stopped attacking us!
 >
 >Lina: That's progress?!

 LINA: Apparently, I'm in the same group you are, Brianna.

 >DAMMIT, I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!
 >
 >Ryouga: There's a place! (He points out an Italian restaurant about a
 >hundred yards away.) What the heck is an Italian food restaurant doing
 >on Mount Fuji?!

 CHEETAH: Jogging?
 GINA: Sight-seeing?
 BRIANNA: Engaging in a "merger" with that cute little French restaurant
 down the hill?
 LINA: Brianna...

 >Lina: Food is food! Come on! (Lina races to the restaurant at mach
 >two,

 BRIANNA: Wow, she's faster than you, Cheets.  [Cheetah just
 "harumphs."]

 >dragging Ryouga along the ground behind her. She finally stops at the
 >door, dropping the unconscious Ryouga behind her. He is covered in
 >dirt and bruises now. A waiter is standing behind a podium.)

 GINA [waiter]: And the Oscar for best picture goes to...oh, sorry,
 forgot myself there.
 CHEETAH: La-ame.

 >Waiter: Table for two, madamoisselle?

 BRIANNA: I thought this was an Italian restaurant.

 >Lina: Yes, please!

 BRIANNA [Lina]: Take me now!
 LINA: Stop that!

 >(She looks around. There are a few scattered travelers and couples
 >sitting at different tables around the restaurant. Her eyes are
 >positively glowing at the sight of so much fine cuisine! "Normally I
 >go for quantity over quality, but...")

 LINA: Actually, I prefer both if I can get it...

 >Well, Ryouga? (She notices he's still unconscious. She takes a mallet
 >and bonks him over the head.)

 CHEETAH: Apparently she took the ACME correspondence course in
 medicine.
 GINA: It's anime - mallets solve every problem imaginable.

 >Ryouga: Eh? (He snaps awake suddenly.) Oh! You got a table?
 >
 >Lina: You've been beating up more of those bandits than I have, so in
 >gratitude, you get this meal on me!

 LINA: There, see?  I can be generous!
 GINA: We never doubted that, dear.
 CHEETAH: Although I do feel obligated to point out that you're the only
 one with money.
 LINA: Oh...right...
 BRIANNA [Ryouga]: I dunno...I was never really into that whole food-
 fetish thing.
 LINA: Gah! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!

 >Ryouga: Really? Thanks! Use the yen we lifted off those guys though,
 >not the gold.
 >
 >Lina: Yeah, yeah... You know, I noticed you did great against those
 >bad guys using only your physical strength. I couldn't help thinking
 >how much better you'd be if you learned magic!

 ALL: ...
 BRIANNA [Stan]: Dude, this is pretty [bleep]ed up right here.
 CHEETAH: The -last- thing Ryouga needs is to learn magic.
 GINA: That thought is almost as terrifying as Akane learning the Dragon
 Slave.

 >Ryouga: Magic?
 >
 >Lina: Yeah! Like my fireballs and balus rods!

 BRIANNA: Yeah, show him how to use his rods, Lina.
 LINA: Why you...[she proceeds to latch onto Brianna with a vicious
 headlock that the larger woman can't seem to break out of]
 BRIANNA [turning blue]: ...can't...breathe...
 CHEETAH: I think this has been building for awhile.

 >How'd you like me to teach you a few tricks?

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: Sure!  Can you show me how to do that thing with the
 tablecloth?
 GINA [to Lina]: Okay, Lina, I think she's learned her lesson.  [The
 young sorceress finally lets Brianna go.]
 BRIANNA [gasping for air]: Note...to self...do not push...redheads too
 far...
 LINA: Hmph.

 >Ryouga: You mean... you'd do that... for me?!
 >
 >Lina: Sure! It'll be fun having someone to teach!

 GINA: You're certainly feeling generous today.
 LINA: Why would I want to show someone all my magic secrets?!

 >Ryouga: I'm so happy! (He hugs Lina fiercely. Lina gasps for air.)

 ALL: @_@
 CHEETAH: My, Ryouga's being...friendly...
 BRIANNA: Especially seeing as how he has about as much spine around
 women as Gourry has intelligence.
 LINA [starts muttering something to herself]

 >Lina: *Gasp* Aa..air...

 [Gina whips out a can of "Perri-air" and offers it to her.]
 LINA: Huh?
 BRIANNA: Oooo...a product plug -and- an obscure movie reference all in
 one.

 >Ryouga: Oh, sorry, heh heh... (He scratches the back of his head
 >eloquently. Lina sits back down as the waiter comes back with their
 >water.)
 >
 >Waiter: Have you decided what you would like?

 GINA: Ryouga would like Lina, I'm guessing.
 BRIANNA: Served with whipped cream and Vaseline.
 LINA: Gah! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!
 CHEETAH: I think I can safely leave the response to those in good
 hands.

 >Lina: I'll have everything from here... to here! (The waiter bug-
 >eyes.)

 CHEETAH: What, only one serving?
 LINA: Cheetah...
 CHEETAH: I'm sorry, but it was right there!

 >Waiter: Will that be all for the mademoiselle?
 >
 >Ryouga: And I'll have the biggest plate of fetuccini you've got. And a
 >glass of unsweetened tea, please.

 BRIANNA [Waiter]: Was I talking to you?  I don't think so!

 >Waiter: Very well. (The waiter returns to the kitchen, where he gives
 >their order to the chef.) We've got another sorceress...

 ALL: Huh?
 GINA: So, this is a common occurrence?
 CHEETAH: Maybe Ryouga led them back to the "Slayers" world...
 BRIANNA: I'm more amazed by the implication that -all- magic-wielders
 eat as much as she does.

 >Chef:

 CHEETAH [Chef]: Hello children!
 BRIANNA [ditto, singing]: Suck on my chocolate, salty balls!
 LINA: GAH!
 CHEETAH: Ugh...now I'm sorry I brought it up.

 >Really? Damn, I better step on it...
 >
 >Lina: Anyway, Ryouga, I'd also like to know how you jump twenty feet
 >in the air without even using magic!

 BRIANNA: It's gotta be the shoes.
 VOICE: You used that one already.
 BRIANNA: Aw, bite me.

 >Ryouga: Oh, that? It's nothing, I'm just kinda strong...
 >
 >Lina: How'd you get to be so ridiculously strong in the first place?

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: Stero-I mean, I work out a lot.
 GINA: No, no...

 >Ryouga: I dunno... I travel and fight a lot... I've been this way as
 >long as I can remember.
 >
 >Lina: You're a pretty good fighter, I mean, for someone with no formal
 >training!

 GINA: Oh, sure he's got training!
 BRIANNA: Yeah, he studied under the "Brute Force, Rock-hard Head
 School."
 LINA: Just like Gourry.

 >Ryouga: (He blushes modestly) You're just saying that...

 LINA: ...
 CHEETAH: This is getting bad.
 GINA [Lina]: You're right, I actually think you suck.

 >Lina: Do you know any magic? Besides that rock thingy?
 >
 >Ryouga: Well, I've got an energy-based attack, but it only works with
 >heavy ki...

 LINA: Come again?
 BRIANNA: It works best when he's depressed.
 LINA: Ah. [pause]  So, pretty much always.
 CHEETAH: Pretty much, yeah.

 >Lina: Well you'll have to show me some time, but now... (She rubs her
 >hands in anticipation of the dozen or so trays of food coming her
 >way.) Oh, this world has such wonderful cuisine! I'll have to try it
 >all before I leave!

 GINA: Just hang around with Ryouga long enough, I'm sure you'll hit all
 the decent eating establishments.

 >(Wipes drool off face) Here I go!
 >
 >Ryouga: Can't you use a few manners?

 LINA: Hey, I'm hungry!

 >Lina: Manners are for people who aren't hungry!

 CHEETAH: ...That is just too weird.

 >(She does her usual eating thing, dumping entire bowls of spagetti and
 >alfredo noodles down her throat as Ryouga watches in fascination.)

 BRIANNA: Geez, you eat like Garfield.

 >Ryouga: Magic must burn off a lot of calories...

 GINA: Ha!  I was right!
 CHEETAH: Can't you accept that it's just a story element and let it go
 at that?

 >My god, your resemblance to my friend is uncanny! Your face, your
 >hair, your voice, even your eating habits and temper! You could be
 >Ranma's twin!

 BRIANNA: Odd, I wasn't aware he thought of Ranma as a friend.
 GINA: Well, if you get late enough in the series, they sort of become
 friends...
 CHEETAH: Nor does Ranma have Lina's temper.
 LINA: Hey!
 GINA: She's got a point, though.  Akane's actually the one most like
 you in temperament.

 >Lina: I've got a guy counterpart? (Pauses from her super eatfest long
 >enough to say this) You've got to introduce me!

 BRIANNA [opens her mouth]
 LINA: Say one word and I'll start practicing those moves I saw on that
 "wrestling" show.
 [Brianna wisely shuts her mouth again.]

 >Ryouga: You even have the same huge ego as he does! *SLAM*

 CHEETAH: Yeah it was.

 >Lina: What was that?

 BRIANNA [Stan]: Um, I said "The bunnies like lettuce."
 GINA [Crabtree]: Oh.  Well, yes, they do.

 >Ryouga: Nothing, nothing...
 >
 >Lina: So what's this guy like? (Yes, we all get to hear Ryouga's
 >wonderful description of the way he sees Ranma now.)

 GINA: Oh, this outta be good.
 LINA: As opposed to the way he saw Ranma before?
 BRIANNA [Ryouga]: He's dreaaaamy...
 CHEETAH: Not a concept I'd like to think about, actually.

 >Ryouga: Well, he's the one who knocked me into Hitueniichuan, for
 >starters,

 GINA: No, actually it didn't start there...
 BRIANNA: But things rapidly went downhill from that point on.

 >and I have no idea how he could have done that without realizing it!

 CHEETAH: He has the observation power of Mr. Magoo?

 >He's also the local town player around Nerima,

 BRIANNA [Stewart Scott]: I ain't a player, I'm a playa' hatah!
 LINA: Please don't do that.

 >he's got at least three different girls hanging all over him,

 ALL [make monkey noises]
 GINA: And it's four, actually.
 BRIANNA: Akane doesn't.  Blatantly, anyway.

 >and he just strings them along like it's okay to have three fiancees
 >at one time!

 GINA: Well, in some cultures it is.
 CHEETAH: Like he had any real choice in the matter.
 LINA: He didn't?
 BRIANNA: Nope.
 GINA: In many ways, Ranma's life sucks worse than Ryouga's.

 >Lina: Boy, sounds like a real creep!

 LINA: Looks like I'm not going to like Ranma that much.

 >Ryouga: And I've only begun!

 GINA [Vincini]: Wait till I get started!

 >He's a bully who picks on people like me and others without any sort
 >of provocation, he toys with people's emotions

 CHEETAH [Ranma, childish]: Mommy, I wanna hate doll!
 BRIANNA: I would just like to point out that playing with emotions is a
 hallmark of a good-sized portion of the "Ranma" cast.  Thank you.

 >Just for kicks, he's ruined every date I've ever been on, and to top
 >all that off, he's a pervert and a crossdresser!

 LINA: Is he cursed, too?
 BRIANNA: Bingo.
 CHEETAH: Take a wild guess which spring he fell into.
 LINA: Um...
 GINA: Here's a hint - he and Gourry could go shopping together.
 LINA: Ooooh...

 >Lina: What a jerk! Three fiancees at one time?! You've got to be
 >kidding!
 >
 >Ryouga: Nope, and he won't let any of them go, either! Every time I
 >try to tell my sweet Akane

 CHEETAH: As opposed to his sweet and sour Akane.
 BRIANNA: Lame.
 CHEETAH: Bite me.
 GINA: Probably a more accurate description, though.

 >that I love her, he just stomps on my head or kicks me in the face!
 >
 >Lina: And this guy looks like me?

 LINA: Does he?
 GINA: I suppose so...
 BRIANNA: Except for one area.
 LINA: Huh?
 CHEETAH: I'd advise against bringing that up, Brianna.

 >Ryouga: Yup. Weird, huh?
 >
 >Lina: Yeah! I'd still like to meet a guy like that in person, though!
 >
 >Waiter: Will you be paying with cash or credit card?
 >
 >Lina: Cold hard cash!
 >
 >Waiter: Very well, here is your bill.

 BRIANNA: Mousse!
 CHEETAH: Will you stop with the puns?

 >Lina: (She reads it with disbelief) Forty-thousand yen?!?!

 GINA: Given the quantity of food she just ate, that's probably rather
 cheap.

 >Waiter: Is there a problem?
 >
 >Ryouga: No, no, we're fine. We'll be along in a minute.
 >
 >Waiter: Very good, sir. (He leaves to serve the other tables)
 >
 >Lina: Forty-thousand?!
 >
 >Ryouga: It's not all that much, you know. Enough for all the stuff you
 >ate, surely!

 GINA: Thank you.
 LINA: And don't call me Shirley.
 BRIANNA [makes rim shot noise]

 >Lina: Okay... (She's had a weird prickling on the back of her neck for
 >the past few minutes.

 CHEETAH [Lina]: Spidey-sense...tingling...

 >Any mage worth their salt can recognize a bad premonition when they
 >see one!)

 LINA: But...I didn't see anything...
 GINA: Just let it go.
 BRIANNA [Lina, thinking]: Bad...lemon scene...coming...
 CHEETAH: God, I hope not.

 >Ryouga: Is there something wrong?

 LINA: Yeah, I'm stuck in a crossover.  How's that for 'ya?

 >Lina: Yeah... something's not right here... I know what to do! Hey,
 >waiter!
 >
 >Waiter: Yes, mademoiselle? Can I help you?
 >
 >Lina: ASSHRA DIST!! (White energy envelopes the waiter, who screams in
 >anger. When the energy fades, where once stood the elderly gentleman
 >in the red tux now stands a large, horned monster.

 LINA: Shabranigdo!
 GINA: Dreadwing!
 CHEETAH: Don King!
 BRIANNA: That giant Elvis golem!
 [pause]
 GINA: What?
 SIRAC: Whoops!  You're not supposed to know about that yet... -BOOM-
 [another pause]
 CHEETAH: Damned Fourth Wall...
 BRIANNA: I think I'm going to forget that just happened.
 VOICE: Probably a wise idea.

 >The monster lets out a warning roar to the others in the restaurant.)
 >
 >Monster: KUSO!! You saw through my illusion! But how?!
 >
 >Lina: Who cares how?!

 ALL: We do!

 >What are you, a monster, doing in this restaurant...?(Her voice fades
 >out as she notices the other patrons standing up. They are shedding
 >their disguises now, to reveal their true monster forms.)

 CHEETAH [looking around]: Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, that little
 dog from Taco Bell...the hell?!

 >Monster: You shouldn't have done that, you know. Your death would have
 >been quick and painless, a slit of the throat as you walked out the
 >door,

 GINA [Monster]: Since you've been such good customers and all...

 >but now you force us to reveal our true forms.

 BRIANNA [Maul]: We shall flash ourselves to the Jedi...wait, that
 didn't come out right, lemme try again...
 GINA [director]: It's "reveal," you moron!

 >Ryouga: What's going on here? Were you people just feeding us so we
 >would taste better or what?!
 >
 >Lina: Hmm... (The monsters that were once the customers, waiters, and
 >cooks, are beginning to converge around them.)

 CHEETAH [random monster]: Can I...have an autograph?

 >Monster: We need humans to survive! Submit willingly, or face a
 >painful death!
 >
 >Lina: Are you kidding?!

 CHEETAH [captain]: Will you surrender, or do you intend to resist?
 BRIANNA [Porthos]: Don't be an idiot, of course we intend to resist!
 Just give us a minute.
 GINA: The "Three Musketeers" skit, ladies and gentlemen.

 >Why do you need humans to eat, anyway?

 GINA: Yeah, I thought they fed on human suffering, not humans
 themselves.
 BRIANNA [Monster]: We need you to eat because otherwise you'll starve!
 CHEETAH: Wha-oh, I get it.

 >Ryouga: That's a mystery solved another day, Lina-san... (As the first
 >group of monsters attack, Lina casts a Flare Arrow at them.

 LINA: Boo-ya!
 BRIANNA: You love these scenes, don't you?

 >It hits, and for some reason, does nothing but a puff of smoke.

 ALL: Eh?
 LINA: Oh, no...

 >The large, stone-skinned, horned, fanged, etc., monsters facefault as
 >one.)
 >
 >Lina: Kuso! That's why my senses didn't pick it up sooner!
 >
 >Ryouga: What is it, Lina?

 CHEETAH: A very large, and yet simultaneously rather entertaining plot
 contrivance.
 LINA: Speak for yourself...gods, I am so embarrassed.

 >Lina: (For some reason, her face has turned beet-red.) Um, well, er,
 >I'd rather not talk about it...

 GINA: Especially not with him.
 BRIANNA: Oh that's going to be a rich scene...

 >Ryouga: Whatever! (He bashes two of the monsters with his umbrella,
 >flips back, takes time to nick a few more with bandanna-shuriken
 >before he lands, feet implanted in the waiter-monster's head.)

 BRIANNA [Ryan]: Pardon my elbow impacting with your head.
 GINA: When did he say that?
 SIRAC: Ack!  I did it again! -BOOM-
 CHEETAH: Dammit, stop that!
 SIRAC: Sorry! -BOOM-
 CHEETAH: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!
 BRIANNA: Our author's a moron, isn't he?
 VOICE: No comment.

 >Just help me take out these things, will ya?

 BRIANNA: My, Ryouga has some interesting tastes.
 CHEETAH: Okay, these word puns are starting to get a bit annoying.

 >Lina: Okay... (She draws her sword and charges a group of three
 >monsters. They, in turn, are very hungry, and intend to get their meal
 >whether some brazen sorceress likes it or not.

 LINA: Not, thank you very much.

 >She hits two in a row,

 CHEETAH: Thereby gaining double experience points.
 LINA: Huh?

 >but the blade does little against the stone skin.)

 BRIANNA: Never a Sword of Light around when you need one...
 LINA: Sword of Light?  Where?!
 GINA: I think you're a little bit fixated.

 >ACK!! Ryouga! Help me! (Too late, the three monsters jump on her in a
 >pileup and

 CHEETAH: No.
 LINA: Definitely.
 BRIANNA: Aw...

 >beat her unmercifully.

 ALL [wince]
 GINA: This is not a good day for you.

 >Enraged, Lina kicks back with a vengeance.) I've had it with monsters
 >that interrupt my peaceful meals! You things never, _never_ let me
 >finish eating before you attack! Haiyaa!!

 ALL: Spoon!

 >(Unfortunately, leather boots don't have that much effect on stone
 >skin either. Lina is knocked out by a rather large stone daemon
 >carrying a rather large club.)

 BRIANNA: A Club (tm): the choice of law officers everywhere since
 ancient times.

 >Ryouga: Oh no! Lina! (Now the monsters can all focus on the remaining
 >obstacle. They turn on Ryouga as one.

 LINA: This is bad.
 GINA: No, actually this is good.
 LINA: Come again?
 BRIANNA: Think "heavy ki."
 LINA: Aaaaaah.

 >He angrily faces them.) How dare you! You're not eating either of us,
 >you got that?! (He attacks berserker-style now, his superhuman
 >strength crushing various monsters' arms, stray spikes, and other
 >appendages.

 CHEETAH: The implications of that are...painful...
 BRIANNA: Good thing we don't have any male crew members.
 GINA: Isn't this getting a tad violent?

 >But the monsters keep coming,

 BRIANNA: 'Cause they could go -all-night-long-...
 LINA: GAH!! -DOUBLE-SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!  OW!
 CHEETAH: Serves you right...

 >and Ryouga is becoming increasingly frustrated at his impossible
 >battle. A large globe of green energy appears in his right hand.)

 GINA: It's about time.

 >Lina: (She wakes up as Ryouga is taking the rest of the daemons on,
 >and nurses her bruised head as she's watching. After all, she's all
 >but useless now, why bother attracting attention?)

 LINA: Hey!
 CHEETAH: You know the author is right.
 LINA: Well...mostly....   But she doesn't have to be so blunt about it!

 >Damn I hate being helpless, but my sword won't even scratch that
 >stone! That energy... is that Ryouga's heavy ki blast?

 BRIANNA: No, it's his Aura of Smooth.
 GINA: I wasn't aware he had one.
 CHEETAH: Are you kidding?  With all the crap that happens to him, he's
 probably got an Aura of -Un-smooth.

 >(As she looks on, the monsters continue to try unsuccessfully to
 >swarm him, and he beats them angrily away.)
 >
 >Ryouga: That's it! You've got me mad now! (A large field of energy
 >appears around him, as he concentrates harder.) SHISHIHOKODAN!!!!

 LINA: GAAV FLARE!
 GINA: SUPER GENIUS DEATH BLOSSOM!
 BRIANNA: LIBIDO BLAST!
 CHEETAH: HADOU-KYAKU!
 VOICE: I can't believe you still remember those.

 >(The ground shakes with the force of the energy Ryouga unleashes! A
 >pillar of it flies up into the sky and descends as a sheet of heavy ki
 >energy, disintegrating everything within a twenty-foot radius.

 BRIANNA: Um, isn't that like the hallmark of the Full and Perfect
 Shishi Houkoudans, as opposed to the normal one?
 GINA: Well, he can somewhat control the normal one, so I would imagine
 he could use it like that if he wanted to.

 >Ryouga, still standing at ground zero, remains remarkably unscathed.
 >The monsters are instant piles of ash.)

 CHEETAH: Poor Pikachu.
 BRIANNA: Pokemon?  Where?! [whips out a really large gun]
 GINA: Zoinks!  Where the hell did you hide that?
 LINA: Aw, I think they're cute.

 >Lina: Well, looks like you _do_ know some magic!
 >
 >Ryouga: That? (He brushes his hands off.)

 DIGGERS: @_@
 CHEETAH: No...[bleep]ing...way...
 LINA: What?
 GINA: That attack is -supposed- to completely wipe him out!
 BRIANNA: He usually falls unconscious after he uses it...
 LINA [looks at the screen]: Well, it would appear he's gotten better.

 >Not really... let's get out of here, huh?
 >
 >Later, they are walking away from the questionable Italian food
 >restaurant, talking.
 >
 >Lina: That was weird! Monsters starting a restaurant?!

 GINA: I suppose we can assume those weren't true, full Monsters, right?
 [Lina nods.]
 CHEETAH: Huh?  Why not?
 LINA: Because full-blooded Mazoku are really, -really- powerful, and I
 highly doubt Ryouga's ki trick could take down even one of them.
 BRIANNA: What are they even -doing- in this world?  The Mazoku are a
 "Slayers" creation.

 >Ryouga: What kinds of idiots start an italian restaurant near the peak
 >of Mount Fuji?!

 BRIANNA: Well, monsters, apparently.
 GINA: And what's wrong with Italian?

 >They were going to eat us, too!
 >
 >Lina: Was that thingy you did back there your heavy ki blast?
 >
 >Ryouga: Yeah, it's called a shishihokodan, Lion Roar Bullet. It's
 >really not magic, just ki.

 CHEETAH [Dana]: There is no magic, only ki.

 >Lina: I see.

 GINA [Raymond Burr]: Yes, I...see.

 >Ryouga: But what about you? Why weren't you throwing those fireballs
 >and stuff?

 BRIANNA: Heeeeere we go.
 GINA: This should be good.
 CHEETAH: I say he passes out.
 LINA [blushing]: Like I would actually explain the details to him!

 >Lina: (She's blushing again now.)Well, um, you see... It's... um...
 >
 >Ryouga: (He doesn't have a clue.)

 GINA: Which puts him one step behind Gourry.
 CHEETAH: Wonders never cease.

 >What is it?!
 >
 >Lina: It's that... time of the month...

 CHEETAH: Not a chance in hell he knows what that means...

 >Ryouga: What?!
 >
 >Lina: I said it's that time of the month, okay?! Do you have a problem
 >with that?!
 >
 >Ryouga: You're kidding, right?! That time of the month?

 ALL: ...
 CHEETAH: Although I could be wrong...

 >Lina: Yeah, I'm kidding. Real funny, huh?! (Sarcasm is lost on the
 >lost boy.)
 >
 >Ryouga: Is there something important that happens around this time of
 >the month?

 GINA: No, you were right.

 >Lina: You don't know?! Geez... (She leans over and whispers something
 >in Ryouga's ear.

 LINA: @_@
 BRIANNA: Uh-oh.
 CHEETAH: Duck and cover time...
 LINA: WHY THE HELL AM I EXPLAINING THIS TO HIM?!?!

 >His face turns beet-red and his nose begins bleeding. Ryouga's way too
 >innocent for his own good.)

 GINA: That he is.
 [Lina is still fuming.]

 >Ryouga: GAH! (He gradually recovers.) So that's why...

 BRIANNA: Well, he didn't pass out.
 CHEETAH: Maybe he's built up a little resistance.
 GINA: You would think so given the number of times he gets flashed in
 the series.

 >Lina: I won't be able to use much magic beyond a light spell for the
 >next couple of days. So you get to take care of any problems we
 >encounter until I recover!

 LINA: At which point I will Dil Brand your sorry ass into next week for
 making me explain that to you.
 BRIANNA: Now, now...don't be bitter, it'll only give you a stomachache.

 >Ryouga: Well, Nerima can't be too far away...

 ALL [singing]: Somewhere...over the rainbow...

 >Now we switch scenes to where Zel, Gourry, and Amelia are trying to
 >swim across the Pacific to Japan following the stone.

 CHEETAH: Couldn't they just levitate or Ray Wing or something?
 LINA: Not -that- far.
 GINA: The Pacific?  Boy, they really took the long way around,
 didn't they?

 >Zel: Damn it all...
 >
 >Amelia: I can't go on much longer!

 BRIANNA [Rose]: I can't hold on much longer Jack!
 CHEETAH: Ack!
 GINA: I thought we agreed not to mention that movie.

 >Gourry-chan:

 BRIANNA [Gourry-chan]: Stop looking at my chest, Zel!
 LINA: Gah!
 CHEETAH: Brianna...

 >Look! Land ahead! (The three soaked Slayers struggle onto the rocky
 >island. There they take a moment to rest. It's a private Japanese
 >beach resort.)

 CHEETAH: And this affects us how?

 >Zel: This is going too far! Why can't we just find those two and get
 >out of this stupid world?!

 BRIANNA: Because anyone who tries to follow Ryouga is just going to
 drive himself or herself crazy.

 >I hate this place!

 LINA [Zel]: I wanna go home!
 GINA: Odd, I thought the other two were the whiners.

 >Amelia: I know... Hey, the stone's glowing brighter!
 >
 >Gourry: So it is! Does that mean we're getting closer, Zel?

 CHEETAH: Don't tell me he actually -understood- something...

 >Zel: Yes, it glows brighter the closer Lina is to it. We're almost
 >done!

 ALL [cheer wildly]
 VOICE: Not you.
 ALL: DAMMIT!

 >(Several people at the beach have stopped to look at the stone man,
 >the armor clad blond girl, and the purple-haired child that have
 >washed up on their beach. A lifeguard comes up to them.)

 BRIANNA: Was he cute?
 CHEETAH: Like that matters...
 GINA: It does to us!

 >Lifeguard: You don't look like members here, maybe you should just
 >keep swimming and find another beach!

 BRIANNA: Question - isn't it almost impossible for Zel to swim, seeing
 as how he's stone?
 LINA: If I recall correctly...yes.
 BRIANNA: Just checking.

 >Zel: (He's tired and cranky from two straight days of swimming. He is
 >not in a mood to be treated impolitely by some ignorant beach snob.)
 >Leave... me and my friends... alone... before I have... to hurt you...

 GINA [Zel]: Don't...make me...use my Shatner...voice...

 >Lifeguard: (Backing off wisely) Just get off the beach before I get in
 >trouble for letting nonmembers in!
 >
 >Amelia: What?! This is a beautiful piece of land, and you force other
 >people to pay just to enjoy it?!

 CHEETAH: Uh-oh.
 LINA [groans]
 BRIANNA: I swear, that girl would think the Pope was unjust.

 >How dare you money-hungry leaches do such a thing! I shall punish the
 >owners in the name of justice!
 >
 >Lifeguard: *Sweatdrop* Sure, whatever, just get off the beach, okay?

 GINA: -BZZZZZT- I'm sorry, that answer is incorrect.  But thank you for
 playing!  Now, prepare for divine retribution.

 >Amelia: Don't you go ordering a princess of Seyruun around like that!
 >
 >Lifeguard: Princess?! Sure, whatever, what're you gonna do about it,
 >little girl?

 LINA: Well, he's toast.
 CHEETAH: Saw this coming awhile ago.
 BRIANNA [Amelia]: Don't call me Princess...CALL ME QUEEN!
 OHOHOHOHOHO!!
 LINA: GAH! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!  What was that for, that wasn't that bad an innuendo line!
 LINA: That wasn't for the line, it was for the laugh.

 >Amelia: Grrrr!! BURST RONDO!!!! (Orange energy bolts fly from her
 >outstretched hand and get the lifeguard square in the chest and face,
 >knocking him a few hundred yards into the ocean. His charred form
 >drifts back to land, his fingers are permanently fixed in the
 >Takahashi position.)

 CHEETAH: So...she just off and kills the lifeguard, huh?
 LINA: I don't think she's used to blasting non-mages.

 >Gourry: Wasn't that a little harsh?
 >
 >Amelia: A fitting end, for one so rude as he! Now to find those
 >owners, those scions of evil and injustice!

 GINA: I think I hear the sounds of dominoes falling...
 LINA: Huh?
 BRIANNA: Later.

 >Zel: *Big sweatdrop* Maybe later, Amelia. Right now, though, we still
 >have to find Lina!
 >
 >Amelia: Lina-san! Okay, mister lifeguard, we'll leave, but just you
 >wait, when we come back, you'll have Lina-san to deal with, too!

 LINA: ...I'm not going to zap a dead body!
 CHEETAH: Well, maybe he's not dead.
 BRIANNA [lifeguard]: I'm not dead yet!  I think I'll go for a walk!

 >Gourry: (To herself) Be afraid... be very afraid...

 GINA: We couldn't agree more.

 >And finally, we go now to the famous Tendo Dojo, where we can hear one
 >of the most celebrated lines in all of anime...
 >
 >Akane: Ranma no baka! *WHAM*

 BRIANNA: That it is.
 GINA: So what do you think he's done this time?
 CHEETAH: I don't think there's a way we could ever possibly answer that
 question, Gina.

 >How DARE you eat Ukyou's cooking when I made dinner for you! You are
 >such an insensitive jerk!

 CHEETAH: No, he's an insensitive jerk who values his life.
 LINA: Huh?
 GINA: Akane's cooking is bad.
 LINA: Ah.  How-
 BRIANNA: Really bad.
 LINA: I see.  So, just-
 CHEETAH: Really, -really- bad.
 LINA: ...I don't want to know, do I?  [The others shake their heads.]
 Okay then.

 >Ranma: But, Akane! Your supper wasn't ready yet, and I was _really_
 >hungry, so I just went over to Ucchan's for a bite to eat!

 [Cheetah covers her mouth and coughs out something that sounds a lot
 like "full spit."]
 BRIANNA: Yeah, no kidding.

 >Akane: How convenient, three minutes before my rice was going to be
 >ready!
 >
 >Ranma: I can't help it if you're too slow! Why are you mad at me, when
 >it's your own fault?

 GINA: Ranma, in this world, -everything- is your fault.

 >Akane: Grrr... Fine, be that way then! See if I care!
 >
 >Ranma: Okay then! (Their argument is cut short by the umbrella that is
 >suddenly implanted in Ranma's face.)

 BRIANNA: I see Ryouga's planning for an early harvest this year.

 >Ryouga: How dare you treat Akane-san so poorly, your own fiancee!
 >
 >Akane: Ryouga-kun...
 >
 >Ranma: Mmmph mph fnmdnph (It is relatively difficult to speak when the
 >end of an umbrella is still rammed inside one's mouth.

 BRIANNA: Well, at least it's his umbrella and not his-
 CHEETAH: We are not going to touch that topic with an 89-foot pole,
 capice?

 >Ranma yanks it out angrily.) Butt out Ryouga, this isn't your
 >business!
 >
 >Lina: Hi! Excuse me, are you Ranma Saotome?
 >
 >Ranma: Um, yes... why?

 LINA [herself]: DIL BRAND!
 GINA: Already?
 LINA: Eh...I was getting bored.

 >Akane: Don't tell me you're another one!
 >
 >Lina: Another... what?
 >
 >Akane: Another fiancee, stupid, what did you think?!

 LINA: Oh, she's going down.  Or...she would, if I could cast any
 spells.

 >Geez, we're gonna have dozens of 'em by the time all of this is sorted
 >out! What kind of getup is that, anyway?

 LINA: Hey!

 >Lina: That's so rude, talking like that to the great sorceress
 >supreme, Lina Inverse! How dare you make fun of my taste in clothing!

 CHEETAH: Dear God, you sort of sound like Kunou...
 LINA: I take it that's not a good thing.

 >Akane: Great, this one has delusions of grandeur...

 BRIANNA: Hey, you're turning into Luke!
 LINA: Huh?

 >Lina: I'll finish this line of discussion later! So, you're Ranma,
 >huh? Ryo-chan

 ALL: o_O
 LINA [softly]: I'm just being friendly...I'm just being friendly...
 CHEETAH: This can't be healthy.

 >over here's told me a lot about you!
 >
 >Ranma: Ryo-chan?! (Glances over at Ryouga irritably)

 BRIANNA [Ranma]: Why'd you tell her my pet name for you?
 CHEETAH: Brianna...

 >What exactly did he say?

 GINA: Sorry, this is a family-oriented series.
 CHEETAH: It is?
 GINA: Not us, the crossover.
 CHEETAH: Ah. -BOOM-
 BRIANNA: Can someone go get the Dustbuster?

 >Lina: Well, he said you looked and talked just like me! Funny, I don't
 >see any resemblance...

 CHEETAH: I always thought you looked more like Hikaru, myself.
 Especially with your hair pulled back in a braid.
 LINA: Who?
 GINA: Different series.

 >Akane: Hmm... allow me! (She splashes Ranma with water. Instant
 >girl-Ranma!)

 BRIANNA: They could sell that with the Instant Naked Ryouga.
 LINA: Why's she being so helpful all of a sudden?

 >Ranma: What was that for?!
 >
 >Akane: Skipping out on my supper!

 GINA: Well, there you go.

 >Lina: (She studies girl-Ranma for a second.) Wow, he wasn't kidding!
 >The same voice,

 DIGGERS: Megumi-sama!
 LINA: Eh?

 >hair color, and everything!

 LINA [studying screen closely]: Waaaait a damn minute...
 BRIANNA: I think she noticed.
 LINA: How come -both- of the cursed guys have better chests that I do?!

 >Ranma: Look, I don't know who you are, Pop isn't here right now to
 >explain what you're doing here, and I'm telling you right now! I'm not
 >gonna marry you, understand?

 LINA: Grrrr...

 >Lina: MARRY?! What on earth gave you the slightest impression that I
 >even _liked_ you, let alone wanted to marry you?!

 LINA: Preach on, sister!
 CHEETAH: You're taking this much too personally.

 >Ranma: You mean... you're not engaged to me after all?
 >
 >Lina: What are you talking about?! I never had any intention of
 >marrying you! Ryo-chan was right, you're a real player, aren't you?

 GINA: No, he's just realistic.
 LINA: How so?
 BRIANNA: Almost every girl he's run into has wound up engaged to him,
 through basically no fault of his own.
 LINA: Oh...well, I'd still blast him.
 CHEETAH: And I don't think anyone would begrudge you that right.

 >Ranma: Thank god... the last thing I could stand right now is another
 >flat-chested,

 CHEETAH [Wayne]: Ex-squeeze me?
 BRIANNA: There -are- no flat-chested girls in the Ranma-verse.
 GINA: Especially in the movies.
 LINA: Why me?

 >clumsy, violent maniac engaged to me... Hey! I am _not_ a player! You
 >take that back!
 >
 >Akane: (giggles) That's a pretty accurate summation!

 GINA: Warning!  Sudden attitude change in progress!

 >Ryouga: Yeah, Ranma, what would you call it?

 CHEETAH [Ranma]: Um...keeping my options open?
 BRIANNA [ditto]: Setting myself up for massive orgies.
 GINA [ditto]: Why do you think I bought stock in that massage oil
 company?
 LINA: Gah...

 >Lina: Flat-chested... clumsy...

 LINA: Hey, Amelia and Martina are the clumsy ones!

 >violent... maniac... why... you... BAKA!!! (Lina draws her sword and
 >charges. Ranma barely dodges her furious attacks.)

 GINA: "Barely?"  Ranma, the god-boy of martial artists?
 LINA: Hey!
 BRIANNA: With all due respect, Lina, you're not -that- good.

 >Ranma: Yup... thank god I'm not engaged to you! I've enough trouble
 >with the flat-chested, clumsy, violent maniac I was already engaged
 >to! Ain't that right, Akane? (The two girls and Ryouga attack at once
 >with a fury born of hell.)

 LINA: You know, I don't think I like Ranma that much.
 GINA: Looks like the author was right.

 >Akane: Ranma no baka! (Brandishes her trademark Hammerspace Mallet)

 BRIANNA: Oooo...idea forming...
 CHEETAH: Uh-oh.

 >Ryouga: How _dare_ you insult Akane-san and Lina-san like that! Die,
 >Ranma! (Brandishes his traditional bamboo/depleted uranium red
 >umbrella)

 GINA: Hmmm...
 CHEETAH: Oh, not -both- of them...

 >Lina: You _jerk!_ How rude, making fun of other girls' chests! Male
 >chauvinist pig! (Brandishes her sword angrily)

 LINA: Run him through!  Run him through!
 CHEETAH: No, 'cause that would end the...[pause] Run him through!

 >Ranma: Ack! Wait! I'm just pointing out the truth- AAAH!! That hurt!
 >Ow! Ouch! Watch where you point that thing!

 BRIANNA [Ranma]: ...Ryouga.
 CHEETAH: You...

 >Gah! Saotome Ultimate Technique! (Ranma runs away, a little trail of
 >smoke is all that's left of him.)
 >
 >Ryouga: Well, that takes care of that...
 >
 >Lina: That was fun! I feel much better now!

 GINA: Yes, I believe beating up on Ranma has been shown to be the
 second most therapeutic activity one can engage in while in the Ranma-
 verse.
 CHEETAH: What's the first?
 GINA: Beating up on Happosai.
 BRIANNA: Brrr...I shudder to think what'll happen when Lina or Amelia
 run into the old lecher.
 CHEETAH: -Especially- Amelia.  He's practically got "Enemy of Justice"
 stamped on his forehead.
 GINA [Happosai]: Come to Happi!
 LINA [herself]: Ack!  A pervert!  DRAGON SLAVE!!
 BRIANNA [Amelia]: Foul creature!  I'll smite you with the Hammer of
 Justice!  RAH TILT!!
 CHEETAH: Actually...now that I think about it, I'd pay good money to
 see that.

 >Akane: So what brings you here anyway, Ryouga-kun?
 >
 >Ryouga: For one thing, Lina wanted to meet the legendary Ranma
 >Saotome, King of the Crossdressers, for herself!
 >
 >Akane: Well, Lina, you got a pretty good impression of what he's
 >normally like. I'm Akane Tendo, pleased to meet you!
 >
 >Lina: Pleasure's all mine! (She shakes Akane's offered hand warmly.)

 GINA: And attitude reversal completed!  Stand down!
 LINA: I still say I should zap her at least once...

 >Ryouga...?
 >
 >Ryouga: Yeah, I know... (Akane glances at him, curious.) Akane, I'd
 >like to share something with you...

 ALL: @_@
 CHEETAH: He isn't...
 BRIANNA: There's not a chance in -hell-...

 >Akane: Hmm? What is it, Ryouga-kun?
 >
 >Ryouga: Here, follow me. (He takes them to the bathing room,

 BRIANNA: Where he...ah, heck, I can't do it, I'm too shocked.

 >and soon after, a yell is heard from within.

 GINA: Thereby completely destroying one of the series' main plot
 points.
 CHEETAH: All due to the arrival of one character.
 BRIANNA: Face it Lina, you're subbing for a SI avatar.
 LINA: I'm overjoyed.  Really.

 >Nabiki, from her vantage point outside the door,

 CHEETAH: It's kind of hard to get good pictures from there, Nabiki.

 >sighs in disappointment.)

 BRIANNA [Nabiki]: -I- wanted to go first!
 LINA: Well, you're obviously back in form.
 BRIANNA: Nothing keeps me down for long...

 >Nabiki: Oh honestly, Ryouga, you imbecile, I didn't even get a chance
 >to find out and squeeze you for all you were worth first! You keep a
 >pretty good secret!

 GINA: Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't already know.

 >Akane: You mean... you... the whole time I've known you...

 CHEETAH: If she doesn't administer the king of all beat-downs on him,
 I'm going to have to break something.  [Everyone else slowly leans away
 from her.]

 >Ryouga: I'm sorry to cause you so much pain, Akane-san, I'll
 >understand if you'll hate me forever now... It's just... well, at
 >first I was just scared, then, I realized you loved P-chan,

 BRIANNA: ...Carnally...
 CHEETAH: Oh, God I hope not.

 >and you needed a friend, and...

 ALL [singing]: Lean on me...when you're not strong...

 >Akane: Ryouga you baka... you should have told me at the start! What's
 >done is done, though...

 ALL: ...
 CHEETAH: All right, it's official - this is not Akane, it is some evil
 space clone.

 >Lina: (She whispers to Ryouga) See? That wasn't so bad now, was it?

 LINA [herself]: Trust in my SI-style powers, and you'll go far.
 BRIANNA: Everything's better with an avatar around!

 >Akane: I forgive you, on one condition.

 CHEETAH [Akane]: Kill me, before I cook a decent meal or do something
 else out of character.
 GINA: Oh, shush.

 >Ryouga: Anything, Akane-san!
 >
 >Akane: Get...

 BRIANNA [Akane]: ...me a dildo.  I'm horny as all hell!
 LINA: Gah! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!
 CHEETAH: I was going to say a mallet, but I'm too queasy to go on.

 >Ryouga: What? ("Oh no, she's going to tell me to get out of Nerima
 >forever now!") Get what?
 >
 >Akane: Get me a real pet! I've lost my little P-chan, I'd like another
 >pig! (Ryouga crashes to the ground in surprise.)

 BRIANNA: You know, I -could- almost see her asking for that...after
 she'd beaten him into a bloody pulp, of course.
 CHEETAH: Of course.

 >Ryouga: (recovers) Anything for you!
 >
 >As they are leaving the dojo, Lina gives Ryouga a pat on the back.
 >Ryouga's still in shock.

 GINA: As are we.

 >Ryouga: I can't believe... she forgave me... just like that!

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: It's so unlike her...I must be in a fanfiction!

 >Lina: See? I told you to go ahead and get it over with! If you had
 >done that five years from now, who knows what she would have thought?

 BRIANNA: Judging by her reaction today, she probably would have slept
 with him.

 >Ryouga: Now all I have to do is get up the nerve to ask her out...

 CHEETAH: Hey, why not, we've already destroyed most of the normal plot,
 why not the rest as well?
 LINA: Bitter?
 CHEETAH: A tad.

 >Lina: Later, later! You still have to take me to that old woman, you
 >know! Good thing Akane gave me this map, now I don't have to wander
 >around aimlessly anymore!
 >
 >Ryouga: Yeah! Let's go!

 ALL [singing]: Hey!  Ho!  Let's go!

 >Lina: Ryouga... (She turns around and faces Ryouga, who's started off
 >in the wrong direction, as usual...)

 GINA: Well, at least some things never change.

 >Ryouga: Yes? (He knows what she's about to say, he's heard it his
 >whole life.)
 >
 >Lina: It's _this_ way.

 GINA [Frenchie]: This way!
 BRIANNA [Louie]: No, no, no.
 GINA [F]: Alright, this way!
 BRIANNA [L]: No, no.  -This- way.
 GINA [F]: -This- way?
 BRIANNA [L]: That's what I sai-d!
 GINA [F]: [pause] This way.
 CHEETAH: The "Willow" sketch, ladies and gentlemen.

 >Ryouga: Right! Um, I knew that...
 >
 >They FINALLY get to the Neko Hanten, and guess who's waiting for them
 >there?

 BRIANNA: Shaft?
 LINA: Copy Rezo!
 CHEETAH: That evil paperboy...
 GINA [paperboy]: Where's my two dollars?

 >Zel: Lina! You're okay!
 >
 >Lina: Zel?! What on earth are you guys doing here?
 >
 >Amelia: We finally caught up with you, Lina-san! We've been chasing
 >after you for over a week!
 >
 >Gourry: You'll never believe what happened to us!
 >
 >Lina: What happened?

 CHEETAH: I think your on-screen companion is about to realize the same
 thing you yourself have, Lina.
 LINA: Huh?  Oh, you mean about the chests.

 >Gourry: Look at _this!_ (He takes a bucket of cold water out of
 >nowhere and splashes it over his head. HE is now a SHE, tall, blonde,
 >well-built, and better endowed than Lina is!)

 LINA [sighs wearily]
 GINA: There, there...

 >Lina: No... it can't be! You fell in... the spring of drowned girl?
 >DAMMIT!! Fate, why do you mock me so?!?!

 BRIANNA [Fate]: Because it's fun.  Excuse me, I have to get back to
 Ataru...

 >How can not one, but _TWO_ guys have bigger chests than me?!
 >ARGH!!!!!!
 >
 >Amelia: Lina-san, what...
 >
 >Lina: And YOU!! You're twelve years old,

 LINA: Fourteen.

 >for goodness's sake, and your chest is still bigger than mine! I'm
 >fifteen, dammit! Why me?!
 >
 >Cologne: (Walks in from the kitchen)

 LINA: Gah!  What the hell is that?!
 CHEETAH: Your ride home.
 LINA: Oh...[to screen] Sorry!

 >Now, what's all the fuss? (Notices Lina and Ryouga) Oh, you've finally
 >come, eh?

 BRIANNA [Ryouga]: Yes, many times!
 LINA: GAH! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: OW!
 CHEETAH: Ooo, that was a hard one.

 >I found your friends looking for you and your companion.
 >
 >Ryouga: Can you help them get home?
 >
 >Cologne: Hmm...

 GINA [Cologne]: Do you have the ruby slippers?
 LINA: Huh?
 GINA: Nothing.

 >girl, what is your name?
 >
 >Lina: Lina Inverse.
 >
 >Cologne: Very well, Lina Inverse, tell me your story and maybe I can
 >help you.

 CHEETAH: Everyone in this whole damn story seems an awful lot nicer
 than normal.
 LINA: Hey!
 GINA: No, I think Britanny's right.
 BRIANNA: Maybe they're all smoking the same thing the author is.

 >As Lina is explaining herself, Ryouga takes his leave politely.

 GINA: Oo, bad idea.
 BRIANNA: By the time he gets back the story'll be over.
 CHEETAH: Hmmm...maybe he's not as dense as we thought.

 >He's tired, and he wants to find a place to sleep. He figures Cologne
 >would let Lina and her friends stay at the Neko Hanten, and Lina could
 >find him tomorrow. As he finds himself in front of the Tendo Dojo
 >(where else?),

 CHEETAH: Isn't that like a law of anime or something?  That Ryouga will
 inevitably wind up back at the dojo?
 BRIANNA: Usually at the most inopportune moment for Ranma, as well.

 >he realizes he won't have a place to sleep there, either. As usual,
 >Ranma stomps on his head at the gate.
 >
 >Ranma: What's up, P-chan? Looking for Akane's bedroom?
 >
 >Ryouga: Sorry to disappoint you Ranma, but I'm in too good a mood to
 >let you ruin it. Akane knows the whole story, and she forgave me for
 >everything!

 CHEETAH [Ranma]: Hah!  Like she would ever do that...unless...we're in
 a fanfiction!
 GINA: You're not going to let this drop, are you?
 CHEETAH: Hell no!

 >Ranma: Well, that would explain why she's been ignoring me all
 >night...
 >
 >Ryouga: You're pathetic.
 >
 >Ranma: Hmph! I was gonna let you sleep in my room,

 BRIANNA: Nah, too easy.
 LINA: Thank you.

 >but with that attitude, forget it!
 >
 >Ryouga: I don't want your hospitality! I can find a place to sleep on
 >my own!

 GINA: Yeah, in about 20 years...

 >See ya...
 >
 >Ranma: Wait! (Too late, Ryouga has turned and walked away. Just in
 >time to get glomped by *shudder* Azusa.)

 DIGGERS: AUGH!  NO!  NOO!  GET IT OFF, GET IF OFF!!
 LINA: Huh?

 >Azusa: Charlotte! You can come sleep in Azusa's widdle bedroom!

 LINA: Um, how old is she?
 CHEETAH [looking pale, but recovering]: That's not it.
 She's...attached to Ryouga's pig-form, that's who "Charlotte" is.
 LINA: Oh. [pause] Do I want to hear the story?
 DIGGERS: No!

 >Ryouga: NO!! I'm not Charlotte, for the last time! Get off me! (Ranma
 >collapses to the floor, laughing.) What are you laughing at, jerk?

 BRIANNA: Your pain and torment, as usual.

 >Ranma: Nothing much.
 >
 >Ryouga: If you're looking for a fight...

 GINA [Puck]: Humans love a battle hearty.  So does Puck - come on,
 let's party!
 BRIANNA: I love that line.

 >Azusa: My kawaii darling Charlotte! Come home with Azusa, Charlotte!
 >(Azusa is booted into the stars by Lina, who has come up from behind.)

 ALL: BOO-YA!
 CHEETAH: God that felt good...

 >Lina: And don't come back! (She shakes her fist at the airborne
 >Azusa.) Hehehe, guess I got here in time!

 GINA [singing]: Here I come to save the day!

 >Ryouga: What?
 >
 >Ranma: Not _you_ again...

 LINA [grinds her teeth, and looks like she's going to rip the end off
 the sofa]
 BRIANNA: Um...can I switch with you, Brit?
 CHEETAH: No.

 >Lina: What's your problem, anyway?
 >
 >Ranma: That outfit you're wearing, for one thing.

 LINA: This happens to be very stylish -and- functional where I come
 from.
 GINA: Here, however, it makes you look as though you got lost going to
 a gaming convention.

 >Lina: Excuse me?! Are you insulting the clothes a master sorceress
 >chooses to wear? I'd take that back if I were you, before you get
 >hurt.
 >
 >Ranma: Ooh, I'm so scared! The little girl in the pink Halloween
 >costume threatened me!

 LINA: Pink?!  Why in gods name would I voluntarily wear -pink-?!
 BRIANNA: Does her outfit look pink to you, Cheets?
 CHEETAH: Well...
 LINA: IT'S NOT PINK, DAMMIT!

 >What are you going to do, blast me with your magic?

 [Lina gives a strangled growl of anger and proceeds to rip the top off
 the armrest at the end of sofa.]
 GINA: ...I'll fix that later.

 >Lina: That's it! I've had it with your impertinence!

 CHEETAH: On the plus side, your vocabulary seems to have expanded...

 >LIGHTNING!!! (The surrounding area is filled with brilliant white
 >light. Taking advantage of the distraction, Lina bonks him over the
 >head with the pommel of her sword.)
 >
 >Ranma: Ouch! What was that for?!

 BRIANNA: I can't believe he just asked that...
 LINA: DOES THE MAN HAVE -NO- CLUE?!

 >Is that all you can do, light? Geez, even I can do better than that!

 LINA: Oh, youuuu...just give me a few days, then I'll turn you into a
 nice red stain on the ground.
 GINA: Easy, girl!

 >Lina: Grrr... Kuso, I can't teach him a lesson when I'm like this!
 >
 >Ranma: What's your problem anyway, PMS or something?

 ALL: Whoa!
 LINA: Lucky guess that's all.
 CHEETAH: I would hope so.
 BRIANNA: Ranma seems to be copping considerably more attitude than
 usual.

 >Lina: YOOOUUUUUU!!!! JERK!!
 >
 >Ryouga: Don't treat Lina-san like that! How dare you insult her!
 >
 >Ranma: What are _you_ gonna do, piggy?

 LINA: Beat him up, I would hope.

 >Lina: Don't bother, Ryo-chan.

 ALL [do a double-take]

 >Ryouga: Huh?

 GINA: Our thoughts exactly.

 >But... he...
 >
 >Lina: Trust me, Ryouga, this guy's not worth the effort. He's so
 >unsure of himself that he has to put others down to make himself feel
 >superior.

 CHEETAH: ...You know, I never thought of it that way.
 BRIANNA: That's...actually quite insightful...
 LINA: Hmph.  He's still an asshole...now he's just an insecure asshole.

 >Ranma: What?!
 >
 >Ryouga: You're right. Let's go, Lina. (The two turn to leave.)
 >
 >Ranma: Hey! Wait a minute! Ryouga! Weren't you going to fight me?!
 >
 >Ryouga: Why bother? We both know who'd win...

 GINA: Actually, probably Ranma.
 BRIANNA: True.

 >Ranma: Ryouga...

 BRIANNA [Ranma]: Are we still on for tonight?
 LINA: Gah...

 >Ryouga: (Lina whispers something in Ryouga's ear. He grins, whispers
 >back, and turns to Ranma.) Okay, Ranma, I challenge you! In one week,
 >meet me at the Neko Hanten for our fight! If I win, you promise never
 >to interfere with my dating again!

 LINA: Oh no...I didn't...
 CHEETAH: What?
 GINA: Oooo...think about what Lina - er, the story Lina, was talking
 about earlier.  At the restaurant.
 CHEETAH: ...Aw, crap.

 >Ranma: You got yourself a deal! But if I win, you give up fighting me
 >for good this time!
 >
 >Ryouga: It's a deal.
 >
 >Akane: (She's watching from her window) Those idiots... can't they
 >ever stop fighting?!

 GINA: Is the sun blue?
 LINA: Um, no.
 GINA: Well, there 'ya go.

 >Lina: (Walking back to Neko Hanten with Ryouga) Just you wait,
 >Ryouga... by the time I'm done, you'll be a master of black magic!

 [Lina starts muttering a string of curses that cause Brianna's ears to
 go red.]
 CHEETAH: Um, Lina?  Remember, this is to get back at Ranma, at least
 until your powers come back.
 [The sorceress suddenly stops, and gets a very large, wicked grin.]
 GINA: I think I liked her the other way, actually.

 >Now if only I could get the old lady to hurry up with her research...
 >
 >Ryouga: You mean she -can- help?

 BRIANNA: I'd say something here, but I value my safety.
 GINA: Wise girl.

 >Lina: She said she had to do some studying first, though, she had some
 >old books she was reading when I left. I'll have to introduce you to
 >my friends now!
 >
 >
 >End of Part Three

 ALL: Finally!
 CHEETAH: Wow that was a long one.
 BRIANNA: And we're only halfway done, too.

 >I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

 LINA: Do you really want us to answer that?
 GINA: At least it's well written.

 >All comments, etc., go to cristina@netdoor.com I'm getting a lot of
 >good feedback from readers with the same good taste as me, and I've
 >gotten a lot of good ideas from other people too numerous to name. If
 >you have some story ideas, please, feel free to share them! Stay tuned
 >for Part Four: Lovely! Ryouga's Magic Training! (I couldn't resist
 >that name!)

 CHEETAH: And why, pray tell, could you not?
 BRIANNA: I think we all need to get out of here for a bit.

 [They exit.]

 [1]-[2]-[3]-[4]-[5]-[6]

         *       *       *

         Gina didn't stay out on the bridge long - just long enough to
 grab some tools, after which she returned to the theater to fix the
 armrest Lina had damaged.  That left the other two Diggers sisters to
 try and calm down the fiery sorceress.
         "Look, you can't let the story get to you like this," Brianna was
 saying.  "This is exactly what Jinnai wants - for us to crack.  If we
 crack, then he's won."
         "But that's not YOU on the screen!" protested Lina.  "Being
 overly-friendly with Ryouga, offering to teach him my spells...I mean,
 he seems like a nice enough guy, but I don't -want- to teach anyone!"
         "True enough," replied Cheetah.  "But you're just going to have
 to accept the fact that most fanfics portray the characters as being
 out of character.  At least, most of the one's -we'll- be seeing,
 anyway.  And as long as your dimension is somehow winding up as an
 anime in this one, you're going to have to be ready to face yourself
 doing things you normally wouldn't."
         Brianna nodded in agreement.  "And, as I think I mentioned last
 time, just be thankful this isn't a lemon."
         The young sorceress paled.  "Um, well, yeah, I guess there's
 that..." she managed.  "It still makes me mad, though."
         "Yes, we noticed," chided the were-cat.  Lina turned red with
 embarrassment, and Cheetah hurried on.  "Personally, I don't think I'd
 be faring much better than you if I saw myself up there acting out of
 character."
         "But as long as there's anime, there'll be fanfiction," added
 Brianna.  "And as long as there's fanfiction, there'll be stories where
 characters don't act like themselves."
         Lina nodded reluctantly.  "I guess all I can do is put up with
 it, then," she said.  The sisters nodded in agreement.  A silence
 descended on the bridge, as the three waited for the warning bells to
 sound.
         After about five minutes, Cheetah started to get fidgety.
 "What's taking so long?" she growled.  "The breaks have always been
 shorter than this."
         Brianna shook her head.  "I don't know, sis.  Maybe Katsuo's
 waiting for Gina to finish fixing the armrest."
         "Well...how about a game of 'Go Fish' in the meantime?" suggested
 Lina.  Having no better suggestions, the sisters agreed.

         "Wow, she really did a number on this," said Gina to herself, as
 she studied the damage to the armrest.  "For such a small girl, she's
 surprisingly strong."  Shaking her head in amazement, she took out a
 few tools and started working.
         Before she got far, however, the theater screen flared to life.
 Startled, she spun around and found herself facing-
         "Peachbody," she growled, in a passable imitation of Cheetah.
         The dog grinned back.  "A pleasure as always, Miss Diggers," he
 replied.  Behind him Benji waved merrily, oblivious to the tension.  "I
 trust you're enjoying the little respite from the boy wonder?"
 continued the Labrador.
         Gina' eyes widened in surprise.  "Don't tell me -you- set that
 up?" she exclaimed.
         "Guilty as charged," he answered.  "I wished to speak to you for
 a little while, but it was difficult to gain control of the monitoring
 equipment while you were somewhere I could talk to you alone.  I
 anticipated that this little crossover might cause the young lady to
 crack a bit, so I took the liberty of adding a little something to
 Jinnai's food yesterday morning."
         "It won't kill him, will it?" she asked.
         Peachbody smiled slightly.  "I see your compassion and aversion
 to killing is a strong as ever," he remarked.  "No, it won't kill him;
 however, it should keep him bedridden for a couple of weeks.  Certainly
 long enough to allow me to deal with you all."
         The archaeologist glared at him.  "What do you mean by that?"
         "You're in no position to ask questions, Gina," he retorted.
 "Now, to business.  What are you working on in your lab?  You've done
 something to the monitoring equipment, so I can't see what you're doing
 in there.  You wouldn't be thinking of -escaping- now, would you?"
         ~Uh-oh,~ she thought.  ~He can't find out yet, I'm almost
 finished!~  She didn't flinch, though; instead she smirked back at him.
 "Of course I'm thinking of escaping - I've been thinking of escaping
 since we were brought here!  But Mandark's security system has proven a
 lot trickier than I thought it would be.  As for the monitoring
 blackout, well...as I'm sure you'll recall I installed some showers in
 the lab last week.  You don't think we'd actually -want- all of you
 down there watching us, do you?"
         The dog appeared to think this over.  "A plausible explanation,"
 he said finally.  "But not acceptable, I'm afraid.  You're going to
 have to turn the monitors back on, or else I..."
         "...Cut life support, I know," she finished.
         "You needn't worry about peepers," he said, grinning again.
 "Jinnai has no clue as to how to use the monitors; and I have no
 interest in watching a bunch of naked, wet female humans.  Benji would
 be the only peeper, and if that bothers you I can keep him from
 watching the videos."
         "And I'm supposed to trust you?" she asked incredulously, hoping
 he was, in fact, buying the story.
         "You don't have much of a choice, do you?" he replied.  "After
 the story is over I expect you to go straight to the lab and reinstate
 the security protocols.  Otherwise you all die.  Have a nice day."  And
 with that, his grinning visage blinked out.  Gina watched the screen
 for awhile longer, to make sure he wasn't coming back on.
         "Damn," she said quietly.  ~Well, at least I've got most of the
 work on the equipment done,~ she thought.  ~If I can somehow involve
 the rest of it in with my normal lab work, I can still finish it.  But
 now I'm going to have to be doubly cautious....~
         Sighing wearily, she quickly finished her work on the armrest.
 The warning klaxons went off just as she was stashing the tools beneath
 her seat.

         *       *       *

 [6]-[5]-[4]-[3]-[2]-[1]

 [Lina, Brianna and Cheetah file back into the theater.  Gina has
 already fixed the armrest at the far end of the couch.]

 LINA: Wow that was fast!
 GINA: Now you're not just going to rip it right off again, are you?
 CHEETAH: She's fine, sis.

 >Slayers 1/2
 >
 >Part Four

 LINA: Should be shown the door.
 CHEETAH: As long as Jinnai doesn't send us a lemon, I'm more than
 willing to put up with this.

 >Lovely! Ryouga's Magic Training!

 GINA: I'm sorry, but the words "Lovely" and "Ryouga" should not be used
 so closely together.

 >A Slayers/Ranma fanfiction by Christina Rose
 >Please send all comments and suggestions to cristina@netdoor.com

 [Lina glances up at the ceiling.]
 VOICE: You already know the answer.
 [She flips it the bird then sulks.] -ZAP-
 LINA: Ow...
 BRIANNA: Oooo...we forgot to warn her about that, didn't we...

 >It all started with the bracelet... then came the spring... now our
 >intrepid foursome is in Nerima staying at the Neko Hanten with
 >Cologne, Shampoo, and Mousse.

 CHEETAH: Well at least the plot recaps are getting shorter.

 >Ryouga: But why do I have to stay here?!

 GINA: You have to ask?

 >Lina: Oh be quiet, how am I supposed to teach you black magic

 LINA [starts muttering curses again]

 >if you go around getting lost all the time?! You're getting free meals
 >and a roof over your head, so quit complaining!
 >
 >Gourry: So what are we doing now?

 BRIANNA: The Macarena!
 CHEETAH: Hell no!

 >Cologne: (She enters the dining room from upstairs. She's holding a
 >book of ancient Amazon lore.) I seem to be unable to get you the
 >answers you need, child.
 >
 >Lina: So... what are you saying? You can't help us?
 >
 >Cologne: I never said that, child. I have to consult the library of
 >Amazon history and mythology back in the old village. Some of the
 >elders there might be able to help, too, but we have to go back to
 >China...

 LINA: What?!
 GINA: Well, at least they should be willing to help you.
 CHEETAH: Yeah, you probably paid for college for half the village when
 you stopped at that restaurant.

 >Lina: CHINA?! Ryooouuugaaaa....
 >
 >Ryouga: *Sweatdrop* Um, heh heh... (As the group glares daggers into
 >the lost boy,

 GINA [Ryouga]: Ouch!  Hey, stop that!  Ouch!!

 >voices are heard from upstairs.)

 CHEETAH: No.
 BRIANNA: Oh, come on!

 >Mousse: Shampoo! Please go out with me, my beloved!

 LINA: What kind of names are those?
 GINA: Chinese.
 LINA: ...Oooookay...

 >Shampoo: Mousse! Get away from Shampoo, stupid duck-boy! (Sounds of
 >crushing bones and other forms of painful violence are heard after the
 >glomp sound.

 BRIANNA: -What- glomp sound?
 CHEETAH: I think we missed something again.
 GINA: Please leave your beating at the sound of the glomp.

 >Something vaguely resembling human tumbles down the stairs, wrapped in
 >white robes and metal chains.

 BRIANNA: He's gotta be into bondage.  He -has- to be.
 CHEETAH: I really think you need therapy, sis.

 >Everyone's favorite (NOT!!!)

 GINA: No, this author isn't biased -at-all-.

 >purple-haired vixen marches downstairs after it and stomps on it
 >mercilessly as she walks over to the dining room.)
 >
 >Lina: Ryouga? Who's the purple-haired girl?

 LINA: She looks an awful lot like Nene and Mimi.

 >Ryouga: That's Shampoo. What she just stepped on is Mousse.
 >
 >Zel: Mousse?! Shampoo?! What kind of names are those, anyway?

 GINA: See above.

 >Gourry: They don't look like hair-care products...

 BRIANNA: No, Shampoo looks more like an aid for teenage boys.
 CHEETAH: Brianna...
 GINA: She's got a point, Brit.

 >Lina: Oh shut up, Gourry. I can't believe we have to go all the way
 >back to China again! Geez, as soon as I find a real place to eat, too!
 >
 >Shampoo: Who guests?
 >
 >Cologne: This is Lina(indicating said sorceress), Gourry(indicates
 >said swordsman),

 LINA: Okay, we get the picture.

 >Zelgadis (indicates said chimera),

 CHEETAH: Why are you still telling us this?

 >and Amelia(indicates said klutz).

 BRIANNA: To set up that joke, I would imagine.

 >They'll be staying here for a few days, and Lina and Amelia will be
 >sharing your room.

 BRIANNA: Saaaaay...
 LINA: Don't you -dare-.

 >Amelia: Pleased to meet you!
 >
 >Zel: Likewise.
 >
 >Gourry: ... (He's too busy marveling at Shampoo's chest.

 [Lina growls once in anger, then hangs her head in defeat.]
 LINA: I'm cursed, aren't I? [Brianna gives her a reassuring pat on the
 shoulder.]
 CHEETAH: Oh come on, Gourry's not that shallow.
 GINA: Besides, cursed he's probably at least as well off as she is.

 >Lina notices, and smacks him) Ack! Oh! Um, glad to meet you... Nice..
 >um...

 GINA: You're drooling, Gourry.

 >(While he's stuttering, Lina shakes her hand graciously.)
 >
 >Lina: I'm Lina Inverse, nice to meet you. Why were you beating that
 >guy up?

 CHEETAH [Shampoo]: He stare at Shampoo's chest too long.
 BRIANNA [Gourry]: Oh...um...
 LINA: Gourry no baka...
 GINA: Another one?
 VOICE: Yes.

 >Shampoo: I no want date Mousse, but he ask me anyway!
 >
 >Gourry: What's wrong with him?
 >
 >Shampoo: Eh?
 >
 >Gourry: I mean, why won't you go out with him? He seems like a nice
 >fella and all...

 BRIANNA: Just wait till he wakes up.
 CHEETAH: Oh come on, Mousse isn't that bad.  A tad obsessive, yes, but
 overall not too bad.

 >Shampoo: I is already engaged, silly! I no cheat on Ranma!

 LINA: Fiancée number two?
 GINA: Got it in one.

 >Lina: No cheat on... Ranma?! You're engaged to _that_ jerk?
 >
 >Shampoo: Is not jerk!

 LINA: Is yes jerk!  I mean...well, you know what I mean.
 BRIANNA: Rather easy to slip into, isn't it?

 >Is airen...
 >
 >Lina: Oh well, I'll not be sticking my nose where it doesn't belong...

 CHEETAH: That's a first.
 LINA: Hey!  Besides, there's no money in it.
 BRIANNA: Ah...

 >Shampoo: Great-grandmother, it okay I take ramen to Ranma?
 >
 >Cologne: Yes child, but take it easy on the spices, okay?
 >
 >Shampoo: I no know what you talking about! Bai-bai! (Shampoo leaves
 >the store after getting four bowls of ramen from the kitchen and
 >putting them in their metal boxes. She rides the Bicycle of Death

 GINA: TM.
 BRIANNA: This story is turning very "tongue-in-cheek."
 CHEETAH: "Turning?"  We passed that line waaaaay back.

 >in the Tendo Dojo's general direction. Back at the store, Cologne bops
 >Mousse on the head to wake him up. He sits up suddenly.)

 CHEETAH: Ah, the power of physical violence.

 >Mousse: Oh, hello obaasan. I'll go ahead and heat up the stove before
 >we open...
 >
 >Cologne: Mousse, meat our guests.

 BRIANNA [Mousse]: Only if they're cute and female.
 LINA: Gah! -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!

 >Guests, meet Mousse. (They wave, he smiles, then Cologne ushers him
 >into the kitchen.)

 LINA: Much better!

 >Now I want you to heat up the stove and ovens, then scrub the floor,
 >set the tables, clean the windows, clean up the appliances, scrub the
 >grill...

 LINA [Cologne]: Re-shingle the roof...
 CHEETAH [ditto]: Build an addition to the kitchen...
 GINA [ditto]: Recalibrate the Hubbell Telescope...
 BRIANNA [ditto]: Give me my hot oil massage...
 LINA: Ugh...
 CHEETAH: I -really- didn't need that image.

 >Lina: Boy, I'm glad I was never a waitress...

 GINA: Unlike your sister.
 LINA: Can we not bring her up?

 >Gourry: Yeah, working like that, your chest would be even smaller from
 >the weight loss... *SMACK!!!!*

 CHEETAH: He never learns, does he.
 LINA: He's gotten marginally better.

 >Lina: HIIYAAA!!!! (Lina proceeds to pound Gourry into the ground.
 >Ryouga and the others watch, occasionally wincing in sympathy. After a
 >while, she quits, seeing Gourry unconcious.)
 >
 >Amelia: (To herself) Wow, that guy's pretty cute!

 ALL: @_@
 CHEETAH: Not -another- one...
 LINA: I've gone to hell, haven't I?

 >Maybe I can talk with him after he gets off work?
 >
 >Lina: (Takes Ryouga's hand.)

 BRIANNA [Ryouga]: Hey, bring that back here!
 LINA: Ewww...

 >Obaasan, I'll see you later! Thanks for taking us in like this!
 >
 >Cologne: Really, Amazon hospitality wouldn't permit anything less
 >gracious...

 CHEETAH: ...the hell?!
 GINA: Um, why?

 >(The two leave without bothering to listen to the rest. As they
 >are walking down the street, they talk a little more.)
 >
 >Ryouga: So, um, where are we going?
 >
 >Lina: I saw this great secluded spot near here where no one can
 >interfere.

 LINA: No.
 BRIANNA: I wouldn't anyway, that's way too easy.

 >Be sure to follow close, I don't want you getting lost on me!
 >
 >Ryouga: Okay... (She seems to be excited about the magic training,

 LINA: Grrr...
 GINA: Easy...

 >probably because she wants to see someone beat that pervert Ranma to a
 >pulp!

 LINA: True.

 >Or it could just be she's happy to be helping someone she considers a
 >good friend, whatever the reader wants to believe.**

 CHEETAH: I think we can safely say it's mainly the first one.
 BRIANNA: What's that last bit?   Are there footnotes or something?

 >Anyway, let's just join Ranma now, we wouldn't want to spy on their
 >training...)

 BRIANNA: That just reeks of lemon set-up.
 CHEETAH: For the last time, this ain't that kind of story!
 GINA: And how would you know, hm?

 >Ranma: Man, this sucks! (He's at the dojo, practicing against a straw
 >dummy. Genma sits back and watches.)
 >
 >Genma: Well, it's not your fault,

 GINA: Again, see above.

 >Kuno attacked you first-
 >
 >Ranma: Yeah, but Kodachi came in with all those explosives, and the
 >principle had to close school early... (Suddenly a sound is heard.
 >It's an ominous sound, a sound that should strike fear in the hearts
 >of men everywhere.

 LINA: Naga's laugh.
 BRIANNA: Odd, you'd think most men would be excited to hear that.

 >*Ding ding!* It's a small foreshadowing, a foreshadowing of
 >pain and agitation that never ends... It's... the Bicycle of Death.

 GINA: TM.
 CHEETAH: Buy your kids one today!

 >*Crack, boom, ominous roll of thunder*

 BRIANNA: I see someone's stolen Kunou's special effects machines.

 >As expected, the Bicycle of Death makes a three-point landing in
 >Ranma's face,

 ALL [wince]
 LINA: I almost feel sorry for him...

 >but, somehow, it doesn't even knock him to the ground. He just stands
 >there, the bike implanted in his face. Shampoo aiyaas and flips it
 >back, landing perfectly on both wheels.)
 >
 >Shampoo: Nihao! Shampoo bring lunch for airen! (She takes the ramen
 >out of the box.) Husband want have lunch with Shampoo?

 BRIANNA [Shampoo]: Husband want have lunch -on- Shampoo?
 CHEETAH: No!
 BRIANNA: Oh come on, you know she's got to be thinking that.

 >Ranma: Sure, why not?***

 LINA: Another footnote there...
 GINA: We must have missed the first one.

 >Akane: Wait just a darn minute! (She's appeared in the doorway, a tray
 >with her doubtful foodstuffs held with both hands.)

 GINA: "Doubtful?"
 BRIANNA: I'm sorry, there is no doubt Akane's food is bad.

 >Ranma, I thought you were going to eat the lunch I made for you!
 >
 >Ranma: Well, uh.. when did I say that?!

 CHEETAH: Most likely when he was drunk.
 GINA: He'd have to be really drunk to agree to that.

 >Ukyou: Yoo-hoo! Ranma-honey! (Ukyou comes throught the Tendo gate,
 >carrying enough okonomiyaki for the whole family.) Since the
 >restaurant's closed at lunch on weekdays anyway, I thought I'd make
 >you and Akane and the Tendos some lunch!

 LINA: That doesn't sound like a very sound business practice.
 BRIANNA: Well it's just her - she has to have a break some time.

 >Ranma: Um, Ucchan, now might not be the best time...

 CHEETAH: Ooo, I smell a free-for-all.

 >Shampoo: What stupid spatula-girl do here?! Shampoo make ramen for her
 >and Ranma to share! You no mess up lunch!
 >
 >Ukyou: Hold on a minute, I went to a lot of trouble to make these.
 >Ranma, were you going to have lunch with Shampoo then?

 GINA: Deny everything, Ranma.
 BRIANNA: Like that'll do him any good.

 >Ranma: Um, well, I thought so, but you can eat with us, Ucchan! Now
 >we've got plenty for everybody!
 >
 >Akane: Um, excuse me? What about my food?!

 CHEETAH: It stinks.  Next question!

 >Ranma: I know! Let's have a picnic!
 >
 >Shampoo: Aiyaa! Is good idea! (Has a vision of both of them alone on a
 >picnic, slurping ramen, suddenly they both suck on opposite ends of
 >the same noodle... you know the rest!)

 BRIANNA: Bow-chicka-bow-bow...
 CHEETAH: Actually I'm inclined to agree.
 GINA: I wish people would stop ripping off that scene.

 >*sigh...*
 >
 >Ukyou: (She's seeing a romantic vision of her and Ranma alone in the
 >park, looking into each other's eyes, leaning closer... closer...)

 CHEETAH: Suddenly a knight on horseback rides by and cleaves them both
 across the chest.  The end.
 GINA: My, that was dark.
 BRIANNA: You were watching "Quest for the Holy Grail" without me again,
 weren't you?

 >How nice, Ranchan and I, alone on a picnic...
 >
 >Akane: I think he meant the whole family.
 >
 >Shampoo/Ukyou: Oh yeah... (They both facefault embarassedly, then look
 >at Ranma and smile. Ranma flushes.)

 LINA: This story down the toilet?
 VOICE: I'm afraid not.
 CHEETAH: When you gotta go, you gotta go.
 GINA: Ewww...

 >Okay, now we skip the boring details and go right to where the
 >Saotomes, the Tendos, Shampoo, and Ukyou are sitting on a giant
 >blanket in a park under a tree, eating whatever's closest.

 GINA: Well, there's one thing to like about this story.
 LINA: Huh?
 BRIANNA: She means the quick scene changes.

 >Nabiki and Genma slurp

 BRIANNA: ...each other. -SMACK- Ow!

 >ramen, Kasumi, Akane, Soun, and Ranma eat okonomiyaki, and Shampoo and
 >Ukyou are doing the Ryoko/Ayeka energy-glare thing.

 ALL: Ooo, pretty.

 >Akane is pouting because no one will try her fried rice, when she
 >hears a loud boom from a nearby grove.)

 BRIANNA: What, they camped out near Woodstock?

 >Akane: What was that?!
 >
 >Shampoo: Aiya!
 >
 >Ukyou: What the heck?

 CHEETAH: Yes, thank you, I think we've established that they're all
 surprised.

 >Ranma: Let's go check it out! (As the Tendos calmly eat their lunch on
 >the blanket,

 GINA: I just realized something.
 CHEETAH: Hm?
 GINA: Genma wasn't eating like a raving madman before.
 BRIANNA: Hey, good point.

 >the three girls and guy put down their food and walk over into the
 >now-smoldering grove. They can hear two voices from deeper inside it.)

 [Brianna glances at Lina, who is glaring at her and glowing red.]
 BRIANNA: No comment.

 >Voice 1: Great! You're a quick study, that'll make this easier for me.

 BRIANNA: [sigh] All these great opportunities.
 LINA: I'll go easy on you with the other characters; but if you include
 me in one more, I'll have to hurt you severely.
 CHEETAH: And I think we've established that she's more than capable of
 that, too.

 >Say, you want to get lunch? We've been practicing for an hour now, and
 >I'm hungry!

 BRIANNA: Like this is a surprise.
 LINA: Grrr...
 BRIANNA: Hey, I've gotta say -something-.

 >Voice 2: Wow... I had no idea such powerful magic existed... Come on,
 >we can wait a little longer for lunch! Show me another spell! (The
 >four finally come out in a clearing, where they see Lina and Ryouga,
 >who is also smoldering from what looks like the effects of a wild
 >fireball.)

 GINA [Ryouga]: Whoa, that was -wild-, man.
 CHEETAH: I see his thick skin is paying off again.

 >Ukyou: Ala...
 >
 >Ryouga: Akane? Ranma?
 >
 >Lina: Shampoo?! What are you three doing here?

 BRIANNA: Hey, you missed one...
 LINA: Not my fault, I don't know her yet.
 GINA: Although I think I can safely predict you're going to become good
 buddies.

 >Ukyou: We were about to ask you the same thing, sugar! Say, I don't
 >think I've met you! Ryouga's girlfriend, maybe? (Ryouga and Lina blush
 >furiously at this.)

 LINA: Not if I have anything to say about it!
 CHEETAH: Which you don't.
 LINA: Don't remind me...

 >Lina: (Flustered) And is that any of your business?

 GINA: You're certainly giving off all the proper signs.
 LINA [sigh]

 >(Ranma and Ukyou wink to each other.) Hey, I saw that! We are not
 >going out, okay? I'm Lina Inverse, who are you?
 >
 >Ukyou: Hiya! I'm Ukyou Kuonji!

 BRIANNA: Founder of Spatula City...

 >Pleased to meet you! (They shake hands.)

 CHEETAH: Dead on, Gina.
 GINA: This whole story is way too friendly.

 >Say, were you the ones that made that explosion we heard?
 >
 >Akane: Yeah, we followed where the sound came from to here!
 >
 >Ryouga: Well, um, kinda...

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: Actually, I just had a few too many burritos.

 >Shampoo: What make big boom?

 CHEETAH: Well-
 GINA: One at a time is enough, thank you.

 >Lina: Well, not to brag, but I _am_ a sorceress...

 BRIANNA: Sounds like bragging to me.
 LINA: You...

 >Ranma: ("Geez, I thought she was just deluded or somethin, maybe she's
 >for real! What's she doing with Ryouga then?")

 CHEETAH: Getting him ready to get medieval on your ass.
 [Lina nods emphatically.]

 >Do it again! I don't believe you!
 >
 >Lina: ("Dang, I still can't fireball him, should I tell him that was
 >Ryouga? I've recovered enough to pull off a Flare Arrow or two, but
 >it'll probably bounce off...

 GINA: Doubtful.

 >Oh well, might as well try!" Okay, you've been getting on my nerves
 >for two reasons, Ranma Saotome.

 LINA: That's all?!
 BRIANNA: She's probably just lumping them together.

 >First, you string along two different girls...
 >
 >Akane: Three different girls!

 GINA: Four, actually.
 CHEETAH: Not Kodachi.
 BRIANNA: He does in the sense that he refuses to smack her to get her
 to see sense.

 >Ranma: Hey!
 >
 >Lina: Okay, three different girls,

 GINA: Wait a minute, did Akane just include herself in that list?
 BRIANNA: If she did, I'm amazed.

 >then you act like a complete jerk in front of me! You've insulted me,
 >treated me like another one of your prospective matches,

 CHEETAH: As we said, he was just being realistic.
 LINA: And as I said, I should still blast him at least once.
 GINA: Looks like this is your chance.

 >and treated me like a helpless little girl on top of all that! For all
 >of this, I'll trash you with my magic!

 BRIANNA: At least you didn't mention the "hammer of justice" anywhere
 in there.
 LINA: It'll be a cold day in hell before I say that.

 >Prepare to fry, Ranma! FLARE... (Ranma watches in disbelief as curving
 >beams of yellow light gather in Lina's hand, straightening into
 >arrows, and she nocks a bow of yellow flame back, ready to send the
 >beams flying.

 GINA: I'm suddenly reminded of the old "Dungeons & Dragons" cartoon
 series...
 BRIANNA: Same here.

 >He tenses, adopting a defensive stance, ready to intercept the
 >projectiles when she lets fly.)

 LINA: HAH!
 CHEETAH: I'm sensing some latent hostility here.
 GINA: Latent?

 >ARROW!!!!! (She lets the arrows fly all at once, the yellow fire
 >arrows streak towards Ranma, who thrusts his hands out Ryu-style.)

 BRIANNA: Time to see which is stronger - ki or magic.

 >Ranma: MOKO TAKABISHYA!!! (A giant globe of yellow energy explodes
 >from Ranma's outstretched hands, but dissipates as the arrows fly
 >straight through them and hit him square in the chest.)

 CHEETAH: Well, there's your answer.

 >*BOOM!!!!!!*

 ALL: SHAKALAKA!
 LINA: Much better!

 >(As the smoke clears, we see Ranma lying on the ground, his shirt has
 >been burnt away, and the rest of him is blackened and dirty. But you
 >can still see the whites of his eyes, which are like dinner plates,
 >and his hands, which are held out in the traditional Takahashi
 >position. Ukyou and Shampoo lean over him concernedly, while Lina just
 >brushes her hands off.)
 >
 >Lina: Yup, the 'ol magic's back!

 GINA: Just some of that 'ol black magic...
 LINA: Damn right!
 BRIANNA: No, no...

 >Akane: That was amazing!

 GINA: Was it fantastically amazing?
 BRIANNA: A reference to one of our own jokes...nice...

 >Lina: (Walks over to Ranma and examines his unconcious charred form.)
 >Still alive! How about that!

 CHEETAH: He's used to it.

 >Ryouga: He heals fast...

 GINA: So, he's got some Wolverine in him them?

 >Akane: So was it you who made that explosion, Lina?
 >
 >Lina: Nope, that was my new student, Ryouga!

 LINA: Who I no longer need to exact my revenge, so...
 BRIANNA: Somehow I doubt it.

 >Akane: Ryouga... you mean, you're learning black magic?
 >
 >Ryouga: Hai, Akane-san... I have to train for the fight with Ranma
 >next week.
 >
 >Ukyou: Wow! If you do spells like that, there's no way you could lose!
 >Ranma honey might actually lose a fair fight!

 CHEETAH: Excuse me?  "Fair?"
 GINA: Not from what I've seen.
 BRIANNA: Let's see...high-level martial arts versus the ability to wipe
 out entire cities with one shot...that's only fair if we're talking
 about DBZ-level fighters.

 >Shampoo: ("Ranma lose fight? That no can be! Shampoo have do
 >something! I know! I get flat-chested girl friends to teach airen
 >magic! Then fight be even!")

 LINA: Oh, gods...
 BRIANNA: This is just sad.
 GINA: Actually, I could see her talking Amelia into it if she worded it
 right.

 >Ranma: No... way... (He groggily gets up.) Ryouga... I'm gonna beat
 >you once and for all!
 >
 >Ryouga: No way I'm gonna let you beat me again, Ranma! Come on, Lina,
 >we can find some place to have lunch.
 >
 >Lina: Ooh! Food! Now you're talking! (wipes drool from face)

 LINA: Come to think of it, I'm getting hungry myself...
 CHEETAH: You can wait.

 >Akane: Hey, I made some lunch if you two want any! We're having a
 >picnic!
 >
 >Ranma: Geez... invite the whole neighborhood, why don't ya?
 >
 >Lina: (ignoring the charred Ranma) A picnic sounds great! Thanks, um,
 >what was your name again?
 >
 >Akane: Akane Tendo! I made some wonderful fried rice, if you want to
 >try some...
 >
 >Lina: My pleasure!

 GINA: It won't be.
 LINA: Oh that's right...

 >(The group of six head back to the hill where the Tendos are still
 >calmly eating. Kasumi waves to the group.)

 CHEETAH: You mean there's still food left?
 BRIANNA: Wow, Genma's -really- out of whack here...

 >Kasumi: Why hello! I don't believe I know you!
 >
 >Lina: Lina Inverse, pleased to meet you,

 BRIANNA: It's always a pleasure to meet her.

 >now where's the food?! (Akane hands Ryouga a dish of her fried rice.
 >It looks pretty normal for something Akane cooked.

 GINA: There's a first.
 CHEETAH: Thereby confirming that this is not really Akane.

 >Lina also accepts a dish. Ryouga grabs Lina's out of her hands and
 >swallows it before she can try some. He forces it down, gulps, chokes
 >back the tears coming to his eyes, and smiles forcibly, half grinning,
 >half crying.)

 BRIANNA: Wow, he's still conscious.

 >Ranma: ("Poor guy... Man, I'm glad she doesn't expect _me_ to like
 >it!")
 >
 >Lina: What was that for?!

 GINA: Your safety.
 LINA: I know, I know.

 >Ryouga: Um, well, I was so hungry, I couldn't help myself!
 >
 >Akane: You mean... you liked it?!

 BRIANNA: Let the lying commence...

 >Ryouga: Y-yeah! I've never tasted anything as good as your cooking,
 >Akane-san! I could eat it until I died!

 CHEETAH: If he's not careful, he will.
 LINA: It's -that- bad?
 GINA: Well...maybe not -that- bad.

 >Ranma: (To himself) Literally... (Akane bonks him over the head and
 >turns back to Ryouga.)
 >
 >Akane: Really? So it _is_ good! There's plenty more where that came
 >from, help yourself! (Brings a giant tupperware bowl of it out)
 >
 >Lina: Don't mind if I do... hey!

 LINA: If this were Gourry or Naga, I probably would have just smacked
 them...
 CHEETAH: Yes, you would have.  [She smiles knowingly.]
 LINA: Stop that!

 >(Before she has a chance to eat any, Ryouga wrests the bowl from her
 >grip and swallows the contents down in one gulp. The others wince in
 >sympathy as he chokes back the urge to vomit and grins like an idiot.)
 >
 >Ryouga: Kya, so filling!

 BRIANNA: Tastes bad!
 CHEETAH: More filling!

 >Lina: Do you mind?! I want some too!
 >
 >(Nabiki leans over and whispers in Lina's ear. Akane's talking to
 >Ryouga and doesn't notice. Lina gasps in surprise and whispers back.
 >Nabiki nods grimly, and hands Lina an okonomiyaki, which she munches
 >on absently while she studies Ryouga.)
 >
 >Lina: (To herself) Hmm... he's gotta love her if he can eat that and
 >remain concious! (Her opinion of Ryouga goes up half a notch.)

 LINA: I have to admit, that's impressive.
 CHEETAH: Remember, he's also trying to keep -you- from suffering...
 LINA: Grrr...
 GINA: Remember what happened to Brianna, sis.

 >Shampoo: Shampoo have to leave, help great-grandmother with lunch
 >crowd! Bai-bai!
 >
 >Kasumi: Goodbye, Shampoo! Thank you for the food!
 >
 >Ranma: See ya! (Shampoo leaves, on the Bicycle of Death, of course.
 >We'll get to her in a moment, but let's stay at the picnic for now.)
 >
 >Nabiki: So where are you from?

 GINA: Second star to the right and straight on till morning.
 LINA: What?
 GINA: Nothing.
 BRIANNA: Probably as good a description as any.

 >Lina: Well, um, you wouldn't recognize the place...
 >
 >Nabiki: Try me.

 LINA: No, really, you wouldn't.

 >Lina: Well, actually, you should know I'm not from this world, I'm
 >from another one...

 CHEETAH: Another World?
 BRIANNA: We already did that joke.

 >Soun: You don't say?
 >
 >Genma: Another world? Pass the chow mein please. (Kasumi hands him a
 >bowl of it.) Arigato, Kasumi.

 BRIANNA: Well that was pointless.

 >Kasumi: (Well, what do you think she's gonna say?!) Oh my.

 GINA: She can't possibly be as oblivious as she seems.

 >Ranma: What a load of bull... (Lina gives him an icy glare that scares
 >him silent.)

 LINA: Good boy.
 BRIANNA: Wow, he actually managed to keep from saying something stupid.

 >Lina: Yeah, I'll go back to my world eventually, but I'm gonna enjoy
 >this one while I have the chance!
 >
 >Ukyou: (Half believing)

 CHEETAH: Which half?
 GINA: Shush, you.

 >So you're from another world? What's it like?
 >
 >Lina: Well, compared to this one, it's kinda primitive in some ways
 >and advanced in others. I mean, we mostly use horses for carrying
 >things around, and we don't have much in the way of technology. But
 >we've got magic, something this world never really tapped the
 >power of.
 >
 >Nabiki: (The possibilities of magic fascinated her.) Magic? Like those
 >explosions we heard? Those were magic spells?

 GINA: Uh-oh.
 CHEETAH: If she gets an idea, you could be in trouble.
 LINA: Huh?

 >Lina: Yeah, I'm one of the most powerful sorceresses in the world!
 >Even my friends agree!
 >
 >Kasumi: My! Could you share a few tricks with us?

 BRIANNA: Not if you value the surrounding landscape.
 LINA: Hey, I don't have to blow something up.

 >Lina: Maybe later. Right now, it's lunch time, and I'm starved! Hey,
 >are there any of those pizza thingies left?

 GINA: Um, okay...
 CHEETAH: What?
 GINA: I'm just wondering about her knowledge of "pizza."

 >Akane: Here you go! (She hands Lina two okonomiyakis, which she gulps
 >without thinking about them. She then spots the box of Chinese food
 >Shampoo left behind for the Tendos to eat.)

 BRIANNA: Only to discover that it was laced with a sex drive spice,
 leading to a massive orgy.
 LINA: Hey!
 CHEETAH: I don't think that justifies a beating...barely...
 GINA: Besides, with Shampoo that's always a distinct possibility.

 >Lina: Ooh! More Chinese! (She digs in, and finishes the rest of it off
 >as the others watch, dumbfounded.)
 >
 >Ranma: Geez, with an appetite like that, how come you're so bony and
 >flatchested?

 LINA: Okay, I take back anything nice I may have said about him.
 GINA: That's not much.

 >*SLAM*
 >
 >(Lina and Akane have each embedded an elbow in Ranma's face.)
 >
 >Akane: Ranma no baka! That's so like you, to make fun of a girl's
 >weight!

 CHEETAH: Um, I don't think it's the weight crack she's ticked about.

 >Lina: You pig! (to herself) At least Gourry had an excuse, him being
 >dumb as a brick about girls and all... This guy's a pigheaded fool to
 >insult a powerful sorceress like that!

 GINA: They're both equally stupid, actually.  In their own ways.
 LINA: Huh?
 GINA: Well, Ranma's a moron in the social sense because he's never had
 a chance to develop any interpersonal skills.  And Gourry's...well,
 dumb as a brick.
 LINA: That's still not an excuse.

 >(to Ryouga) I've had enough. Come on, Ryo-chan, let's find somewhere
 >more private where I can train you without interference or
 >eavesdropping.

 [Brianna glances at Lina again; she shakes her head, and the larger
 woman sighs.]

 >Ryouga: (As Lina's dragging him away) Ite, I'm coming!
 >
 >Akane: Wait up! (She hurries after the sorceress and lost boy.)

 CHEETAH: Oh please no...
 GINA: Two "Ranma" characters learning magic is more than enough.

 >Ranma: Akane?
 >
 >Akane: Well, we're out of school and I don't have anything better to
 >do, and I'd rather be with Lina and Ryouga than you anyway!

 GINA: Oooo, harsh.
 LINA: Eh, I still think he deserves it.
 BRIANNA: He does have a good side...it's just buried really deep.

 >Lina! Could I watch? Please?
 >
 >Lina: Well... (She glances at Ryouga, who shrugs.) Sure, just don't
 >get in the way okay?

 CHEETAH: Yeah, you wouldn't want to get blown up or anything.

 >Akane: Great! ("I always wondered if magic existed!

 BRIANNA: ...You're kidding, right?  After all she's been through, she
 still doubts the existence of magic?!

 >Now I'm watching Lina teach Ryouga how to blow stuff up with it!

 LINA: That's not all it's good for, you know...
 GINA: Oh, let her have her moment.

 >Amazing..." The three leave together, so only Ranma, Ukyou, and the
 >other Tendos are left now.
 >
 >Ukyou: Hmm...
 >
 >Ranma: Well, the food's gone...

 BRIANNA [Ranma]: Let's screw!
 LINA: Brianna...

 >Nabiki: I just remembered a meeting I had with Kuno!

 CHEETAH: Ten bucks says she's got pictures.
 GINA: Pass.
 BRIANNA: Same.
 LINA: Huh?

 >See yall... (She takes her leave as well.)
 >
 >Soun: Well, Saotome? Shall we get back to our Go game now that the
 >food's gone?
 >
 >Genma: That's a good idea, Tendo!

 BRIANNA [Genma]: Much better than my idea of hot gay sex.
 LINA: Gah!
 CHEETAH: You've been storing these, haven't you.
 BRIANNA: Hey, it's not my fault.

 >(Now they are gone too.)

 GINA [Merlin]: It's maaaaagic.

 >Kasumi: I should go back home too... (Kasumi follows Soun and Genma,
 >the three of them carrying the picnic gear with them.)
 >
 >Ranma: Well, that just leaves us now.

 BRIANNA: I smell lemon...
 CHEETAH: Would you stop that?
 GINA: I agree, this story is much too silly to do that.

 >Ukyou: Wanna go see a movie with me?
 >
 >Ranma: Sure, Ucchan, nothin' better to do... (And so the picnic
 >disperses. Let's go back to the party at the Neko Hanten!)

 BRIANNA: The banality of this is starting to get a little annoying.

 >Shampoo: Nihao! (Of course several deliveries are waiting for her at
 >the counter.)
 >
 >Cologne: Welcome back! I trust you had a nice lunch?
 >
 >Shampoo: Me and Ranma go on exciting date!

 CHEETAH: So...Ranma getting blasted counts as an exciting date?
 LINA: Works for me.

 >Cologne: Is that so..?
 >
 >Shampoo: Well... rest of Tendos come too...

 BRIANNA: Hmm...maybe there -was- an orgy and we just missed it. -SMACK-
 Ow!
 LINA: Baka...
 GINA: That's starting to become a reflex, isn't it?

 >Cologne: Never mind that, you have to take these deliveries. These two
 >are due in ten minutes, okay?

 GINA: Not a problem for the Bicycle of Death!

 >Shampoo: Hai! I take fast! (Before she's about to leave, she spots
 >Amelia sitting in the kitchen with Mousse, and glares their way
 >angrily.)

 BRIANNA: Heeeeere we go.
 LINA: So she -does- like him...
 GINA: We're not really sure, actually.

 >Amelia: So, Mousse-san, you cook too?
 >
 >Mousse: A little bit, I work in the kitchen when no one's coming in or
 >ordering. (He doesn't notice the fact that Amelia is obviously smitten
 >with him,

 CHEETAH: Poor Zel.
 LINA: Poor Zel?  Poor Mousse!

 >he's just being polite to their guest.) Well, Amelia, why don't I give
 >you a tour of Nerima after I get off work tonight? There are some
 >great places to see!

 GINA: Now if he could only see them...

 >Amelia: Really?! You'd do that for me?
 >
 >Mousse: Sure, I could introduce you to some friends, maybe buy you
 >something to eat...
 >
 >Amelia: That would be great! ("Maybe he likes me!

 CHEETAH: Or maybe he's being contrived into almost Disney-like
 friendliness.
 GINA: Now, now...

 >It must be my good looks, or my royal charm...")
 >
 >Mousse: Gourry and Zelgadis can come too, since they could use
 >something to do...(Mousse doesn't notice Amelia facefault
 >disappointedly. Shampoo leaves silently.)
 >
 >Zel: (In Mousse's room, where the guys are staying, with Gourry) I'm
 >so bored...

 BRIANNA [Zel]: Let's-
 LINA: No!

 >Gourry: (Patting his stomach contentedly) Mmm... I couldn't eat
 >another bite! So what do we do now?
 >
 >Zel: Well, we can sit here and be bored all afternoon, or we can go
 >out and find something to do.

 GINA: This is so mundane it's frightening...

 >Gourry: Going out works for me!

 BRIANNA: Oh, look, they're going out on a date!  How sweet.
 LINA: You...

 >Let's go! (The two leave the store, waving goodbye to Cologne, and
 >this is where we leave them for now. Let's join Lina, Ryouga, and
 >Akane in another secluded area.

 CHEETAH: As there is undoubtedly more going on here than elsewhere.
 GINA: Well I would hope so.
 BRIANNA: I don't think there can be any -less- going on.  This story
 needs more Mazoku or something.

 >This one's on a giant hilltop overlooking all of Nerima. Not a soul to
 >be seen for miles! Lina's giving Ryouga, who pays attention politely,
 >a lesson in magic.)
 >
 >Lina: So you see, you can cast a spell without going through the
 >chant, if you're strong enough in magic, like me, but reciting the
 >incantation before casting the spell gives it a lot of extra power.

 BRIANNA: Ah, so that's why...

 >If I cast a fireball without reciting the incantation, it would just
 >fry whoever I cast it at, and have a five or ten-foot explosion
 >radius.
 >
 >Ryouga: Go on...

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: You have such a sexy voice...
 LINA: ...You are so lucky we're at opposite ends of this thing.
 CHEETAH: I am well aware of that.

 >Lina: But if I did the incantation properly, I could blow up a medium-
 >sized house and everyone in it! This works with Flare Arrow, Dragon
 >Slave, and a lot of others too.
 >
 >Ryouga: I see. So what's a Dragon Slave, anyway?

 CHEETAH: A Costco economy-size can of concentrated, industrial
 strength whoop-ass.

 >Lina: Only the most powerful spell in all of black magic!

 GINA: So the Giga Slave and Ragna Blade don't count as black magic,
 then?
 LINA: Not really.

 >I've blown up entire cities with it before!
 >
 >Akane: That strong, huh? I hope you don't use it near Nerima then!
 >
 >Lina: Yeah, so do I. Anyway, here's how the incantation goes.

 BRIANNA: Yikes!
 CHEETAH [Akane]: Um, you don't have to show me...really!

 >Source of all power...
 >Light which burns beyond crimson...
 >Let thy power gather in my hand!
 >FIRE... BALL!!!
 >
 >*BOOM* (The fireball takes a good chunk out of a nearby hillside. Lina
 >nods to herself as Ryouga and Akane stare.)
 >
 >Ryouga: And I could do that?
 >
 >Lina: With another week, and with me helping you, you'll be about as
 >good in magic as Amelia is! ("Probably better, since Little Miss
 >Justice isn't very good to begin with!")

 LINA: Hey!
 CHEETAH: Huh?  Why get angry over that?
 LINA: Klutz or not, she's still my friend.  And she's pretty damn good!
 BRIANNA: She learned the Rah Tilt, she'd have to be.
 GINA: Unless of course the author is implying that Ryouga is just a
 magical genius and will have no trouble learning how to cast a Dragon
 Slave in one week.
 OTHERS: ...

 >You also have to learn how to channel your innate magic power
 >properly.
 >
 >Akane: Magic power?

 GINA: Jedi juice!
 LINA: Huh?
 GINA: Nothing.

 >Lina: Everyone's born with a certain amount of magical ability, it
 >just varies from person to person. Depending on how much innate talent
 >you have, you could do amazing things with magic!

 BRIANNA: Dear God, it -does- sound an awful lot like mitochlorians.

 >I already know that you, Ryouga, have a large amount of innate talent!

 CHEETAH [sarcastic]: Oh, of course.

 >I mean, you flung a fireball almost without trying earlier! You have a
 >lot of potential, that's why I'm helping you.

 LINA: I give up.
 GINA: That's probably for the best.

 >Well, that, and I want to see you beat that jerk Ranma to a pulp! >*giggle*
 >
 >Ryouga: ("Wow, I've finally got a talent for something besides
 >fighting and getting lost!" He considers the implications of this plot
 >development for a minute.

 CHEETAH: It's a contrivance of biblical proportions.  Next!

 >Akane looks at him with new wonder.)

 BRIANNA [Akane]: I want you -so- bad...
 CHEETAH [sigh]

 >Akane: That's something else! Lina, do you think you could see if I
 >have any talent?
 >
 >Lina: Okay, I'll gauge yours the same way I did Ryouga's.

 BRIANNA [Lina]: Take off your clothes.
 LINA: Hey!
 BRIANNA: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.
 LINA: Well...you've been good for awhile so I'm going to let that one
 slide.

 >Akane: Sure!
 >
 >Lina: Okay, I want you to close your eyes and concentrate hard. Try to
 >channel your energy into a globe in your hand.

 CHEETAH: I love the way people always seem to assume that everyone else
 just sort of innately knows how to "channel their energy."

 >(Akane stretches out a palm, and tries hard to make an energy globe
 >appear there. For three minutes she stands there, eyes squeezed shut,
 >concentrating hard, beads of sweat appearing on her forehead. Finally,
 >a dim spark comes to life in her hand and dies as soon as it came.
 >Akane falls to her knees, gasping for breath.)

 BRIANNA [Akane]: Wow...what an orga-SMACK- Ow!
 LINA [Brain]: I feel cleansed.

 >Akane: C... can't... must concentrate... harder... (Lina shakes her
 >head in disappointment.)
 >
 >Lina: Sorry, Akane, not much magic in you. Some people can do it, some
 >people can't.
 >
 >Akane: Man... ("Aw, I wanted to learn how to throw fireballs like
 >that! Then I could teach Shampoo a lesson she'd never forget!
 >BWAAHAhahaha!!"

 CHEETAH: Thank goodness for small miracles.

 >Lina and Ryouga both do the sweatdrop thing, as Akane has unconciously
 >said this out loud.) *ahem* Um, er, heh heh...

 GINA [Austin]: You'll have to excuse me, I seem to be having difficulty
 controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!
 LINA: Huh?
 BRIANNA: Same scene, different joke.

 >Lina: Anyway, I'll be focusing on teaching you some fundamentals
 >first, incantations, a little earth magic, some astral energy laws,
 >that sort of thing.

 LINA: The basics.
 GINA: Which, if you think about it, would require a small miracle for
 him to understand right off, since he's not used to dealing with magic.

 >Let's get back to the incantation lesson. I'm going to cast a null
 >magic spell around the area so we don't do any permanent damage to the
 >landscape.

 CHEETAH: Sounds like we're moving into "X" now...

 >(She recites a spell under her breath, which is followed by a
 >flash of dull grey light.) Okay, now I want you to do the fireball
 >incantation.
 >
 >Ryouga: Okay, here goes...

 BRIANNA: Unfortunately he botches it and it explodes, instantly killing
 them all.  The end.
 LINA: Hey!

 >Source of all power,
 >Light which burns beyond crimson,
 >Let thy power gather in my hand...

 CHEETAH: His mighty hand?
 GINA: I'm still not sure I understand that joke...

 >Lina: Good! You can recall them by memory, that should help. Now,
 >incantations are mostly reserved for the more powerful spells, that
 >people aren't powerful enough to cast without the aid, and used as a
 >needed crutch for people with little or no talent that study magic
 >anyway.
 >
 >Akane: You mean if I just recited that I could cast a fireball?

 LINA: No, no...
 GINA: I think she's missed the point.

 >Lina: Nope, not you. I'm sorry to disappoint you like this, but you
 >just don't have the innate ability Ryouga has! You'd be lucky to pull
 >off a light spell with a chant! (Akane pouts for a second and gets
 >over it. She pats Ryouga on the back.)

 BRIANNA: At which point he promptly faints from sheer joy that she
 voluntarily touched him.
 CHEETAH: At least, he would if he was in character.

 >Akane: Well, you can do good enough for the both of us, right, Ryouga-
 >kun?
 >
 >Ryouga: (Happy beyond compare that Akane's being so friendly with him)
 >O-of course... I will, Akane-san! I will make you proud!
 >
 >Lina: That's the spirit!
 >
 >Ryouga: And furthermore...

 CHEETAH [Ryouga]: I love you, Lina.
 LINA: Ack!

 >Akane: Hm?
 >
 >Ryouga: I want to ask you something, Akane-san...
 >
 >Akane: What is it?

 BRIANNA [Ryouga]: Wanna screw?
 GINA [Akane]: Sure!
 CHEETAH: You two...

 >Ryouga: Would you... that is... would you consider... would you
 >like...
 >
 >Akane: What?
 >
 >Ryouga: (He's blushing furiously now.) Would you go on a d... d...
 >da... (He finally forces himself to spit it out.) Would you go on a
 >date with me!

 CHEETAH: I think I hear hell freezing over...

 >Akane: ("Why not? We've been on dates before... I wonder if he likes
 >me or anything?")

 LINA: She's completely oblivious, isn't she?
 BRIANNA: A good number of the "Ranma" characters are.

 >Sure! You mean tonight?

 GINA: Oh look, a flying pig.
 BRIANNA: Okay, he should be about ready to pass out now.

 >Ryouga: Uh... um... (The fact that Akane actually said yes finally
 >sinks into his head.) Tonight?! Um, ah, yeah, that's what I meant...
 >(Lina waits patiently for the two to finish.)

 CHEETAH: While allowing her SI-substitute powers to resolve one of the
 series' main jokes/plot points.

 >Akane: Where do we go this time?
 >
 >Ryouga: Well, I know a great restaurant I could take you to...

 LINA [Ryouga]: It's an Italian restaurant on Mt. Fugi...oh, wait, never
 mind.

 >It's called Marcelli's, ever heard of it?
 >
 >Akane: Um, I think so... that's on the other side of town, isn't it?
 >*gasp* But, Ryouga-kun, the food there's so expensive!
 >
 >Ryouga: That's okay, the owner owes me a favor...

 BRIANNA: For one night of pleasure.
 LINA: Gah!

 >(Ryouga had saved his life by beating up the thugs in the dark alley
 >that were about to mug him and leave him for dead. Brute strength can
 >come in handy! ^_^)

 CHEETAH: I don't think that's ever really been in doubt.
 GINA: The author's being cute again...

 >Akane: Where are you staying right now?
 >
 >Ryouga: Actually, I'm staying at Cologne's restaurant with Lina and
 >her friends right now.
 >
 >Akane: I'll be there at seven to pick you up, okay? (Akane knows full
 >well Ryouga couldn't make it on his own. So just walk with him there!)
 >
 >Ryouga: G... great! (Lina smiles happily.)

 CHEETAH: Why?  You've just lost your potential boyfriend.
 BRIANNA: Well, if she works fast I'm sure she could wrangle one quick
 fling out of him.
 LINA: You can both just bite me.

 >Lina: Can I finish now?
 >
 >Ryouga: Um, yeah, go ahead, I'm listening...
 >
 >Akane: I'll see you two later, okay? I should probably be going now,
 >dad might be worried about me.
 >
 >Lina: Bye! See ya later, Akane!

 LINA: Yes, we're just all one big happy family here in "Slayers 1/2."

 >(As Akane's leaving, Lina continues with her magic lessons. Let's just
 >join Gourry and Zel in their quest for something to do, already in
 >progress.)

 GINA: There will be no further commercial interruptions.

 >Gourry: It feels so good to get out of that stifling armor! It's so
 >hot here!

 BRIANNA: Yeah, git nekkid!
 GINA: Whoo!
 LINA: Hey!

 >(As the viewer can see, Gourry's wearing a t-shirt and shorts now. {
 >Author: *drool* }

 [Brianna and Gina drool as well.]
 CHEETAH: You two are sad.

 >And Zel's wearing a baggy windbreaker over his shorts, which does
 >nothing to hide that incredibly handsome stone physique that all the
 >girls love. {Author: *drools some more* }) Hey, what's that place over
 >there?

 BRIANNA [reading]: B-r-o-t-h-
 LINA: No!
 GINA [reading]: "Easing the Badger?" What's -that- doing here?

 >Zel: (Looking at the place Gourry's pointing to) Looks like a tennis
 >court! Let's go!
 >
 >Gourry: *gasp* And what's that up ahead?! A swimming pool? (Sure
 >enough, right next to the public tennis courts, is a public swimming
 >pool!)

 CHEETAH: How much you want to bet he's forgotten?
 LINA: Absolutely nothing.

 >Alright! (Runs ahead of Zel, making a beeline for the pool.)

 GINA: Bingo.

 >Zel: Gourry-- wait! (The two arrive at the entrance. The girls
 >immediately notice the handsome guy with the long blonde hair, and the
 >guy with the blue skin and hair. It gets even better when the blonde
 >one flings off his shirt, revealing a chest of solid muscle!
 >
 >Girls: *drool*

 BRIANNA [drool]
 GINA [drool]
 LINA [blush slightly]
 CHEETAH [smile knowingly]

 >Girls' boyfriends: Hey! I saw that! Stop that drooling! (Gourry, eager
 >to relieve the

 BRIANNA: Burning in his loins. -SMACK- Ow!

 >summer heat, climbs up to the high dive before Zel can stop him, and
 >executes a flawless double-flip and dives into the pool with a giant
 >splash. Zel rests one hand against his forehead in exasperation, as
 >Gourry emerges laughing, and also with...)
 >
 >Gourry: ACK!! (He hastily covers his chest with his hands,

 LINA [sighs wearily]

 >too late for the guys who were watching jealously and noticed a girl
 >with beautiful, long blonde hair emerge from the pool.)

 BRIANNA: My, the forest is lovely today.
 LINA: Huh?
 GINA: Implied "wood" joke.
 LINA: Oh. -SMACK-
 BRIANNA: Ow!

 >Guys: *drool*
 >
 >Guys' girlfriends: *SMACK* Quit gawking!
 >
 >Zel: I tried to warn you...
 >
 >Gourry: Kuso... I forgot all about that! Come on, give me my shirt!
 >
 >Zel: Come and get it!

 CHEETAH: Zel would appear to have a slightly cruel and perverted sense
 of humor.

 >(He waves it over his head. Gourry, determined, climbs out of the
 >pool, chest in plain view for all the guys at the pool to see, and
 >snatches it from him indignantly.)
 >
 >Gourry: (Putting his shirt back on) Honestly...
 >
 >Zel: Come on, let's find you a hot shower.

 BRIANNA [Zel]: So we can share it.
 CHEETAH: Brianna...

 >(Unfortunately, as the two find out, there isn't a hot shower to be
 >found at the pool.)
 >
 >Gourry: (Still disgruntled) Geez... guys are staring at my chest! Come
 >on, Zel, let's go play tennis!

 GINA: Yes, go play tennis so the guys can stare at your -bouncing-
 chest.
 BRIANNA: Gainax would be proud.

 >(The two leave the pool area and the last we see of them is an
 >overhead view of Zel serving the ball and Gourry-chan returning it
 >with a powerful swing.)

 CHEETAH: Sadly, the ball was filled with C4, and the two warriors die
 instantly.  The end.

 >End of Part Four

 ALL: Yay!

 >********************************

 GINA: Cloud cover is rather thick today...

 >Author's note: YES!! I finally finished part four! Sorry it took so
 >long,

 LINA: Please don't hurry on our account.

 >school started again and I just couldn't find the time to write it!
 >That, and I was forced to read Faulkner's Unvanquished *shudder* It
 >took me a full two days to recover from the horror and get back to
 >writing...
 >
 >* Okay, I couldn't resist the title! I just wanted to say that since I
 >started writing this thing!

 BRIANNA: Looks like there -are- footnotes.
 CHEETAH: I guess the first one was the title of part 4...

 >** I personally think Lina is teaching Ryouga magic because she
 >notices he has natural ability, and she wants to develop it further.
 >He's a good friend, and she wants to bring out his full potential.

 LINA: And I still say you're smoking something.  I'm not going to teach
 someone my tricks...well, not yet at least.
 GINA: Okay, where's the third one?

 >My thanks to everyone who's contributed their ideas to the story,
 >especially ^Lina_Inverse^ ,

 DIGGERS [look at Lina]
 LINA: That's not me, either, dammit!

 >whose help and feedback has proven invaluable! Look for part five to
 >come out in about two weeks!

 GINA: Magic Voice?
 VOICE: Haven't seen it yet.
 ALL: Yay!

 >See Ryouga go on a successful date! (maaybe, maybe not :P)

 CHEETAH: See the world come to a flaming end, since this is clearly one
 of the signs of the apocalypse!

 >See Amelia try to make romantic advances towards Mousse! See Shampoo
 >act jealous!

 BRIANNA: See Shampoo get blasted by an Elmekia Lance spell when Amelia
 decides she's an Enemy of Justice!

 >All this, and more, in the next episode!
 >
 >Please send your feedback and opinions of the story, I love to hear
 >what people think!

 GINA: And for the last time, see all of the above.

 >Until next time!
 >Jya ne!
 >
 >Christina Rose

 LINA: And we're done!

 [They exit.]

 [1]-[2]-[3]-[4]-[5]-[6]

         *       *       *

         Since it was pretty much a forgone conclusion that there would be
 no wrap-up conversation, Brianna and Cheetah went straight back to the
 Holocabana to pick up their "Quake" match - this time with Brianna
 promising not to use any weapons not found in the standard game.  Lina
 headed off to the kitchen, as the picnic scene had made her rather
 hungry.  And Gina returned to her lab, to try and figure out how to
 hide her escape plan progress from Peachbody so she could turn the
 monitors back on.
         In the end, she had to settle for disguising the equipment she
 was working on as pieces of background machinery.  She was familiar
 with the scanning equipment Mandark had installed (after all, she had
 disabled it for the better part of a week), so she knew that the dog's
 monitors wouldn't be able to tell him -everything-.  The question was,
 how much would he be able to figure out from what they -did- tell him?
         It was a risk she had to take.  The plan was so close to
 completion - a few more days, even given that day's setback, and she
 would hopefully be ready to move.
         Gina put the finishing touches on her disguise work, then stood
 up and wiped the sweat off her forehead.  ~I guess I'm not used to
 doing this much work in so little time,~ she thought.  ~I think I'll
 have to get mom to help me get back into shape when we finally return.~
 That thought prompted others that she had tried to keep locked down
 during the weeks: what if something had happened while they were away?
 What if someone had died because they hadn't been there?  What if
 -everyone- was dead?  Were Ryan and Séance still okay?  Ace?  Penny
 (yes, even her)?
         She felt her knees start to buckle as the tide of uncertainty
 started to sweep over her.  She just didn't -know-, and that was the
 worst thing of all.  -Anything- could have happened, but she had no way
 of knowing.  The sense of isolation, of being -alone- up on the
 satellite, was almost more than she could handle.  The past few days
 hadn't helped, either, as she had been forced to isolate herself in
 order to work on their escape.
         It was almost too much, but not quite.  She took a deep breath
 and braced herself against her workbench.  ~I've made it this far,~ she
 reminded herself, ~I can endure a few more days.~  One last memory
 floated out of her subconscious - the trip to the Retreat they had all
 made not too long ago.  She vividly recalled how happy they had all
 been - how much like one big family.  She bit her lip and squeezed her
 eyes shut; she felt one tear escape and roll down her cheek.
         Shaking her head, she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand
 and steeled herself again.  "I'm not going to let you beat me,
 Peachbody," she muttered.  "I -will- get us all off of this damn
 satellite.  And if we ever cross paths again, oh, are you going to get
 it!"  She grinned wickedly, then began the arduous task of reactivating
 the security monitors.  ~Oh, are you -ever- going to get it.~

         *       *       *

 Mr. MiSTer's notes:

 Wow, this was a long one....

 I realize that the "Phantom Menace" jokes are actually an anachronism
 given the time frame in the GD storyline I'm using here (the characters
 are from the end of issue 28, at which point they shouldn't have had
 any knowledge of "PM") but they were too good to pass up, so...so I
 guess I'm guilty of a contrivance.  Sue me.

 A big thank you to Christina for giving me permission to MiSTie this -
 I had quite a fun time doing it, even more so than my earlier ones.  No
 offense or insult is intended - this is just a form of
 commentary/parody.

 Next up: at this point I really have no idea.  Oh well.  The next one
 will probably be the last one in the current setting, though.

 >Cologne: Mousse, meat our guests.