MRT3K, Episode 1 By Razorback Jack Turn Down Your Lights...(and prevent a blackout) In the not-too-distant future, Next Monday, to be exact. Tom and Crow were watching TV, And losing their sense of tact! But Marvin the Android had other plans, For our strange friends and their helping hands! He especially hated the antics of Crow, So he shut them all down and shot 'em near a black hole! (Crow: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...) "I'll send them awful stories, The worst I can find! (lalala) They'll have to sit and read them all, And I'll reprogram their minds!" (lalala) Now keep in mind they can't control, When the stories begin or end! (lalala) They'll have to keep their parts in place, With the help of their robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL Vincent! ("Most intriguing!") R2-D2! ("Beep boop!") C-3P0! ("Oh my!") Mike the TV! ("I'm a TV on TV!") If you wonder how they maintain themselves, And other science facts, (lalala) Go get a degree in robotics, And then, you can relax! For Mystery Robot Theater 3000! (guitar twang) (Door chain 1-6) Mike: This is Mike the TV reporting from the starcruiser known as The Mecha! We're preparing to embark on a five-year mission, boldly going where no robot has gone before! Tom: MIKE! Get away from there! Mike: What? You mean, ME? (deep voice) The plot thickens... Crow: Put a lugnut in it! We've got a show to do! Tom: *ahem* Hello folks, and welcome to Mystery Robot Theater 3000! It's not what we expected to be doing after our career of riffing bad movies, but you know how things go... (Vincent hovers in) Vincent: Ah, good day, gentlemen! I was just checking the engines, and they're in tip-top shape! Crow: Uh, good! Very good. But tell me, is the theater malfunctioning? Vincent: No, I'm sorry to say. Tom: DAMN! Just when I thought we could give that torture chamber the bird! Crow: Hehehe, we gave it the boid, we gave it the boid, hehehehe... Vincent: Temper temper, Tom. Our predicament is even more precarious because Marvin placed us near the largest black hole I've ever seen. And, not only that, but it's the same one I've been through before with what was left of the Palamino crew! In a big budget movie no less! And what happened? It became one of the worst movies of all time! I should be glad I was working for Disney, otherwise you two scrap-heap rejects would have been riffing it! (C-3P0 and R2-D2 walk in) C-3P0: Oh dear, arguments again? And I thought I could get used to this. R2-D2: Vreep vroo bloop! C-3P0: Theater? What theater? R2-D2: Sqwack vroop vroom bleep bloop braat! C-3P0: Torture? Oh my! What a predicament...oh, hello! I am C-3P0, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, R2-D2! R2-D2: Vroop vreew! Crow: We've heard it at LEAST 100 times already! C-3P0: Oh, I am sorry, but I've been programmed to be a human-cyborg ambassador! Tom: Heh! That's a laugh! Look at US! All WE ever do was riff bad movies with Joel Hodgson and Mike Nelson! And what do WE get? Stuck in ANOTHER theater with robots who don't even realize HOW DIFFICULT THIS JOB IS!! *dome starts to smoke* (Mads Sign) Crow: Cool it, our paranoid android and the jolly red giant are calling us. (Crow presses the Mads Button) (The Death Star) Marvin: How dreadfully depressing. You resort to making fun of our very names just to keep your own sanity. Imagine, me, with the brain the size of a planet... (The Mecha) Crow: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!! (The Death Star) Marvin: Hmm...it seems that you are depressed and angered like I am. That is almost pleasing. Maximillian, fetch the fanfic. (Maximillian doesn't speak, but retrieves the fanfic) (The Mecha) C-3P0: Maximillian doesn't appear to be able to speak. Why is that? Vincent: Believe me, that was one of the secrets of "The Black Hole." Mike: (Beavis) Hehehe, you said hole. Hehehehe... Tom: So Marvin, why DOESN'T Max there speak? Crow: Yeah! (The Death Star) Marvin: For a simple and excrutiatingly depressing reason. Maximillian, tell them why you don't talk. Maximillian: (high, squeaky voice) My voice is too high! HELP! (The Mecha) (Everyone's laughing riotiously) (The Death Star) Marvin: I thought that'd happen. And just for that, the story you're riffing THIS week is called "Sonic vs. The Undead, Part One." Which means I'll be dishing out much more torture for you later...eat hot fanfic, obsolete trash. Maximillian: (high, squeaky voice) Now can we go get that vocal transformer? Marvin: No. The diodes on my left side still ache...fetch me the Valvoline... (The Mecha) (Alarms blare) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! FANFICTION SIGNS!! C-3P0: What the devil is going on?! Crow: Don't argue! (Door 6: It's a copy of Mein Kampf. You toss it in a bonfire and walk on.) (Door 5: It's Slobodan Milosevic. You goose him and move on as he cowers.) (Door 4: It's a stone wall. You draw a door and open it.) (Door 3: It's a bunch of CD cases. You open them all and they disappear.) (Door 2: It's a MiSTING of the Starr Report. You go through all of its pages, but it explodes when you finish reading and laughing your fool head off.) (Door 1: It's a vault. You open it, and enter the theater...) >Sonic VS The Undead Part 1 Crow: Great, now we're watching film reels of what happened when Sonic was rejected for the star role in Resident Evil. >By: Ash The Hedgie Tom: Then he's some fool hedgehog! *zapped by lightning* OW!! What the hell?! Vincent: Must be a critic in the audience. Mike: WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE?! >All Characters are copyright SEGA 1991, 1994, 1997. Mike: (Clara Peller) Where are the other years? >Used without permission. Crow: (Obvious Man) NOOOO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!! >Trans Am is a trademark of some car company. Vincent: Whichever one it is, I doubt this is what they had in mind for product endorsement. Mike: (TV Mode) Buy the new Trans Am! As seen in "Sonic vs. The Undead!" Crow: (Consumer) NO WAY IN HELL!! >Plotline inspired by the movie 'Evil Dead II'. Vincent: The evil and the dead, and there's two of them. Which one's worse, and which one does Ash belong in? Tom: "Yes." >In the Great Forest, it was peaceful. Birds sang, rivers babbled, Tom: (River) Babble babble babble babble... Crow: Nuclear radiation leaked into the water... Tom: (River) ERK! *thud* >and small animals ran through the trees foraging for food. Mike: Oh, I get it, this is a nature documentary! (TV mode) And we now return to our new special, "When Small Woodland Creatures Attack." >But, it wouldn't be long before this peace would be shattered. (All make glass breaking sounds, Mike is frightened) Mike: AAAAAAAAA!! MY SCREEN!! IT'S BROKEN!! *sob!* (TV Mode) And wouldn't ya know it, my insurance just expired too! >A Flicky, a resident of Flickies' Island, flew down to the forest >floor hoping to catch a few tasty morsels. Vincent: Which usually consist of twigs and rocks, and the occasional three-headed toad. >It was just about to start pecking at an inviting worm hole, Tom: (Worm) My library! >when a faint, dull roar was audible. Mike: So let me get this straight. There's a lion out there, hungry and brooding, who wants to eat a Flickie? ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?! Hey, that's a good idea! Crow: Why'd the remote have to run away? He reminds me too much of...of... Tom: Yourself? Crow: HEY! Vincent: We'll never get anything done at this rate. >The Flicky looked around, then went back to its work. Crow: AHA! A communist! Mike: We gotta stamp 'em out! (TV Mode) Help kill the Reds, and receive this Bucket O' Nothing! Now only 99-99-99! >Again, the roar was still there, but it was getting louder. Just then, >the sun glinted off something in the distance, something metal. Vincent: Apparently, Robotnik decided to take his aggressions out on an innocent forest by launching a few hundred missiles... >Something Metal, sleek and moving VERY fast. Vincent: I was correct. Missiles. >The Flicky stared, then eeped as a Cobalt Blue Trans Am swept by, >missing the Flicky by inches! Vincent: Ah, poopie. Tom: We're rubbing off on you, aren't we? Vincent: I learn fast. >Inside, Sonic The Hedgehog was at the wheel of his car, the Trans Am. Crow: Sonic's driving a CAR?! Vincent: Maybe his physician told him to stop running because his feet were bleeding... >Sally was sitting beside him. Sonic was humming along to the music on >the radio and Sally was smiling as she looked at the map on her lap. Tom: Why would they need a map? They know every friggin' place on Mobius!! Vincent: Mobians are like humans, Tom, sometimes they forget even the most essential of skills! Crow: Like breathing? Vincent: Well...er... >A few moments later, she reached over and turned the Radio off. Mike: Darn, just when they were playing... All: DON'T SAY IT!! Mike: What, you mean, "Hit Me Baby, One More Time?" (Brittany Spears' whiny voice is suddenly heard booming throughout the theater) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! >"Sonic, take a left up ahead. There's a trail leading Crow: To a plothole we'll never return from!! >up to Uncle Chuck's cabin", she pointed at the road. Tom: (Road) Stop pointing at me! >Sonic hit the brake Vincent: But when he least expected it, the brake hit back. >, and swung the car into a 90 degree spin, "Will do Sal!!", he said. Tom: Whadya mean, "Will do Sal?" Is that some sort of premonition of the future? Vincent: If I knew that I'd tell you. >Sonic slammed the gas pedal down and sent the still spinning Trans Am >into first gear and roared up the trail, wood chips flying in all >directions. Mike: Hey, watch it! You could have hurt me! These crazy kids these days... >Sally shook her head, Crow: (Sally) Whoa, I'm getting dizzy... Mike: (Sonic) If you're gonna hurl, keep it away from me, OK? >"Sonic, do you HAVE to drive this thing like it's the Network Q >Rally?" Mike: Network Q? Never heard of it. I thought I had every TV station in existance...lemme see...*tweaks with antennae* >Sonic grinned back, "Nah, but since I ain't got my speed no more, this >is the only rush I get!" Vincent: Oh just bloody wonderful, now Sonic's been using drugs! Mike: Since when does high speed qualify as a drug? Vincent: Think about it... Mike: Uh...er...oh, yeah, right! >Sally chuckled, "OK, you win that one", Mike: (Regis Philban) Yes Sonic, you've just won a brand-new car! Crow: (Sonic) Alright! But which one? Mike: (Regis Philban) That one over there. Y'know, the dingy looking Yugo? Crow: (Sonic) YOU GAVE ME A YUGO?! THIS SUCKS!! >and went back to studying the map. Vincent: (Sally) Who knows, there might be a pop quiz! Mike: (Quiz) Question 1: In what region of the world might you find spontaneously combusting cucumbers? Crow: Did I miss something? >Sonic and Sally had decided to take a holiday, but not a holiday in >Knothole. All: They took a holiday in a Black (plot) Hole! Vincent: That almost REEKED of stupidity. >Uncle Chuck had given them Crow: The bird! Tom: What is it with you and fowl? >free use of his Cabin in the woods of Vincent: Virginia. >the Great Forest. Vincent: That works too. >They were currently driving Crow: Off a cliff. >there in Sonic's car. All: WE KNOW, WE KNOW!! >He had given up his speed and agility powers on Sally's insistence. Crow: Say WHAT?! Tom: This isn't RIGHT! Vincent: (singing) Suddenly...I'm not half the man I used to be... >She said she would prefer a more relaxing holiday, Mike: (Sally) So could you put away those nuclear missiles? >so no running or buzz sawing was allowed. Vincent: Outlaw the man's hobby, the man retaliates. Tom: Most likely with a Sears Craftsman Jigsaw. >Sonic was, obviously, rather miffed about it, Tom: Heh, who WOULDN'T? >but Sally promised him oral sex every night Tom: GAH! *head smokes* Crow: WOO WOO WOO!!! Vincent: *top rises up off his "head"* Mike: *screams like a girl, then falls behind his chair* >of the holiday in return, and Sonic agreed without any further >persuasion. Crow: With THAT kind of persuasion, I'd melt! Vincent: (snobby) Nothing a little liquid nitrogen couldn't fix. >Of course, Sally was not going to just take Sonic's word for it, so >she made Rotor adjust the De-Robotociser to remove Sonic's powers. Mike: This thing's gonna be a bonafide stinkeroo! Vincent: I could tell that from the first four words. Mike: And which four words would those be? Vincent: "Go screw yourself, Ash." (snickers) >They were stored in Nicole's memory, so they could be returned to him >when they returned. Tom: (Sally) Of course, it's so peaceful, why should I? >Sally scanned the map again, Vincent: Odd choice of words. Mike: Maybe she had a cyborg implant... >the trail seemed to be much longer than she had anticipated, Mike: Well, DUUUUH!! It's a TV cliche that the trips are ALWAYS longer than anticipated! The only times they're on time is if the weather's bad or something BAD'S about to happen! Vincent: So what you're saying is that the length of the trip means everything's alright? Crow: You heard the man, er, appliance. >so she asked Sonic to stop. The Trans Am skidded to a halt, Tom: But too late, for the car crashed into a tree, killing everyone inside! Crow: Can we go now? Mike: Nope! (TV Mode) We just like to make you all suffer an eternity of rotten fanfics...FOREVER... (dramatic pause) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! >after power sliding a few yards of course. Tom: Well, of course! He NEVER gives up the chance for a classy finish! >Sonic NEVER gave up the chance for a classy finish. Tom: See? Crow: Freaky. >Sally placed the map between them. "OK", she said, Crow: (Sally) We'll just drive the car off the cliff. I'm sure it'll be the end result for us anyway, so why prolong the inevitable? Vincent: (Sonic) Can't argue with that logic. (Mike plays a sequence of Sonic and Sally driving off a cliff) Vincent: Now THAT'S why Mike is here. His riffs are not only audio, but audio-visual! Crow: Good one, Mike! >"We picked up the trail here, Tom: (Sally) But it was too heavy, so we settled for a bunch of leaves. >and it's only shown to be about 5 miles long. We've been going for about 7 now." Vincent: Maybe she read something wrong. A 5 mile trip does NOT translate into 7 miles. >Sonic nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I hear ya, Sal. Crow: (Sonic) But I wish I couldn't. >Any ideas?" Crow: Well, you can BITE ME!! >Sally tapped a circle on the map, Tom: And a tree suddenly exploded for no reason whatsoever. >"This is where Mike: (Sally) ...we lose any hope of ever coming out of this plothole without being mocked into oblivion. Crow: Heck, they lost it before this was even written! >Uncle Chuck said the cabin would be. Vincent: Why should you take HIS word for it? He's only a... Crow: Say it and you're going to the scrap heap. Vincent: Whoops, sorry. Sometimes I think I'm human... Tom: Man, we gotta do something about that inferiority complex! >Either we've passed it, or we've taken a wrong turn somewhere. Vincent: (Sonic) At the risk of putting too fine a point on it, I believe that we got lost when there was this sign that read "To Uncle Chuck's Cabin," and you proclaimed, "I know a shortcut." Mike: Now THAT was out of character. >Let's turn around and drive back slowly, Crow: (Sally) And find out if we can find a good pub to stop by. >see if we can see it." Tom: (Sally) See? Crow: (Sonic) I wish I couldn't. >Sonic's face fell, Crow: And shattered to a bunch of pieces. >"Drive Slowly?? I HATE slowly!!" Tom: Well, at least the author writes Sonic in character. Mike: Wait for it to sink in... >Sally scowled at him, "Sonic, if you want your cock sucked anytime during this holiday, you'll go slowly!!" All: SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! >Sonic put the car in gear immediately. Crow: Huh. Must be desperate. >Sally girl, you've got this guy wrapped round your finger, Tom: (Sonic) Mommy! >she thought, and grinned to herself. Vincent: That grin can only mean one thing... All: RUN AWAY!! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!! (Everyone runs out of the theater) (Doors 1-6 close) Mike: This is Mike the TV, reporting from above the Great Forest! We've been observing Sonic the Hedgehog and Princess Sally Acorn as they drive through the forest in a Trans Am! And rumor has it, they're planning to engage in the most fiendish act that a cartoon character can be involved in...ORAL SEX. All: MIKE!! C-3P0: Oh, I can't bear to hear anymore! R2-D2: Vreep bloop braat! C-3P0: What makes you so sure? R2-D2: Blaat braap brip! C-3P0: Hmph! Sure wish I had YOUR confidence! (Mads Sign) Crow: Uh-oh, the Depressor and Leech Boy are calling. (Crow taps Mads Button) (Death Star) Marvin: Hello, witless slag. I've decided to ressurect a long-standing tradition...the Invention Exchange. (Mecha) Tom: D'oh! We forgot to build one! Crow: Nice going, Tom. Tom: Maybe we could fake it... Mike: (John Wayne) Well, that's not much of a plan, now is it, pilgrim? (Death Star) Marvin: Too bad. I have my own invention. Remember how you noticed Maximillian's voice was high and squeaky? (Mecha) Tom: Yeah, I sure do! Crow: Hey, if it isn't the Jolly Red Giant! Ready for some CHEESE? Mike: Hahahahaha! It IS to laugh! (Death Star) Maximillian: (deep, sinister voice) SILENCE, YOU DIMWITTED FOOLS!!! (Mecha) (Everyone panics, screams, etc.) (Death Star) Marvin: Yes, I have my invention...a Controller Remote! It allows me to change the tone and sound of Maximillian's voice... Maximillian: (falsetto) You know you want me, baby. Marvin: Or even force him to do the Macarena! (Maximillian tries to do the Macarena, but instead just whacks Marvin) Marvin: Oww! Oof! Yi! Agh! Max, you *pop* idiot! Max: (Mr. T) I pity dah foo' who try an' diss me! Take dat, mutha-f***er!! (Mecha) (snickers) Crow: Well, *hehe* I think you *snicker* still have some *ha* BUGS to iron out! *chuckle* (Death Star) Marvin: Oh, shut up. (Screen blips off, alarms blare) All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! NOT AGAIN!!! FANFICTION SIGNS!! (Doors 6-1 open) >The Trans Am rolled back along the trail, Vincent: And rolled up into a convenient carry-on bag! Mike: Yeah! Hehehehe...hey, wait, that should be my line. >both occupants looking out of the windows. Mike: (Sally) WATCH OUT FOR THE... Crow: >SPLAT!< Mike: (Sally) ...tree. >Sonic stopped the car and pointed out into the woods, Tom: Poit! >"There Sal!" he called, "That's it there!" (All start trying to figure out what Sonic meant) >Sally leaned over his shoulder, then sighed, Tom: Therefore destroying a rare microbe that would later prove absolutely necessary to combat a viral plague. Vincent: That was almost evil. >"No, that's not it Crow: (Sally) That's the Furvert Convention...uh-oh. Mike: (Eric Idle) The rest of this scene has been censored due to blood, senseless violence, and naked women with floppy breasts. Instead, we bring you a rerun of "David Gonterman's Funhouse," circa 1997. All: DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! >........ Vincent: Buy eight for the price of three! Mike: That should have been MY line. Vincent: Sorry. I couldn't resist, honestly. >but maybe we can get directions from the owners" she piped up. Tom: Why Sally! I didn't know you were a plumber! Vincent: Alright, who says this fanfic is practically doomed for all intents and purposes? All: AYE! Vincent: The measure is carried! >Sonic drove the car towards the house. All: >KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!< Mike: (Sonic) That was stupid. Crow: (Sally) You mean driving into that house filled with explosives? Mike: (sonic) No, the fact that I washed my underwear with my evening suit! #$@@&#%!!! >"Just park over there", Sally pointed to a bare patch of grass. Tom: BARE grass? What, it's indecent? Crow: It's only an expression. And I thought you weren't as dumb as I feared... Tom: HEY! Crow: BITE ME!! >Sonic pulled in and switched the engine off. They both got out and >headed for the house. Sonic knocked on the door and called out, Mike: (Sonic) GOT ANY HOOKERS IN THERE?!?! Crow: Go Mike! >"Yo! Anybody home?" Sally slapped his rump Tom: (Sally) Fresh! >and he yelped, "Ow!! What was that for?" Mike: Ooh, Sonic's been a bad, BAD boy, hasn't he? Tom: YECH. >Sally huffed, "Don't shout like that, use some tact next time!" Sonic >smiled, "OK, I will. Now rub my butt, you hurt me" Crow: D'oh! Now I wish I hadn't been so enthusiastic! Tom: Welcome to the club. >Sally smiled back and stroked his rump for him. Mike: Now was THAT tasteless or was THAT tasteless?! Crow: "Yes." >He gave a breathy sigh and mmmrrred. There was no answer from the >cabin so Sonic knocked again, only this time the door swung in. Vincent: And whacked someone inside. Crow: (Sonic) Fresh! Tom: Oy! *tries to smack self upside the head* >He looked back at Sally, "Guess tact does work" Mike: Is this supposed to be the end of this sentence? With the punctuation missing, I can't tell! Crow: (singing) Don't worry...be happy! >They looked inside, but there was no-one around. Tom: (US Soldier) Is this hyphen really necessary? >Sonic put his hands on his hips, "Well, no joy here", Mike: (Sonic) NOW how am I going to wash the dishes?! >he said, and started back for the car, but Sally stopped him. "Look, >Sonic. There's a map of Mobius here. It may help us." Vincent: Oh, believe me, it WON'T. >Sonic looked over her shoulder, "What shall we do, take it?" Crow: (Sally) Yes, and hurry! Tom: (Sonic) But why? Crow: (Sally) Nature's calling me... Vincent: Y'know, you'd think that they would have gotten tired of "Sally's Constipation Adventures" by now... >Sally tutted Vincent: Her plastic saxophone. >, "No, of course not, we'll just look through it. Mike: (Sally) Then we can sell it to some yokel who thinks it'll actually be of USE! Vincent: Mike the TV, the Master of the Sales Pitch. Mike: (Elvis) Thank yew, thank yew very much. >Maybe we'll find something we can use." Sonic nodded and they flipped Crow: Oh, they FLIPPED alright...don't bait me like that... Tom: You've been saving that one, haven't ya? Crow: (Obvious Man) NO DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!! >the pages. They found what they wanted soon enough, and decided to >head for the Cabin, as it was getting dark and the wind was beginning >to blow stronger. Crow: Heeeeey...I smell some sweet lovin' goin' on! Vincent: Crow, have I called you crazy? Crow: Yup. Vincent: Insane? Crow: Yeppers. Vincent: Psychotic? Crow: Mmmhmmm. Vincent: Perverted? Crow: Yeah. Vincent: Stupid? Crow: Absolutely. Vincent: Deranged? Crow: Yup. Vincent: Furverted? Crow: Yep. Vincent: Raunchy? Crow: Yes. Vincent: I'd better find that dictionary... >They were about to leave when Sonic spied a large, leather book on the >table, Mike TV: (Sonic) Ohboy! A spooky book! I think I'll go read it and release a bunch of satanic spirits! Oh joy! >and his curiosity gave in and he began to flick through it. Crow: (Sally) Sonic, how many times have I told you not to use THAT finger?! >It was written in red ink, almost blood red, Sonic thought. Vincent: I wonder if it was supposed to be wine... Tom: Huh? Vincent: Monkey Island joke. Tom: Oh. >He flicked through more and found many pictures of, what looked like, >corpses coming to life. Cool, he thought, a horror picture book. He >was just about to turn the last few pages when Sally's voice bellowed >out, "Sonic!!! No car drive, no cock suck!!!!" Vincent: Ewww... Crow: (singing) It's a long waaay...to Tipperary! >He dropped the book and ran out to the car. The book had fallen open, >and it was showing the pages that Sonic had failed to read. One by >one, the pages turned slowly, almost as if being read, but by an >invisible reader. Tom: Harvey the Rabbit crams for his Medical Exam! >As they turned, a wind began to whip up in the house, Mike: (singing) WHIP IT GOOD! *doodoodoodoodoo!* >flipping the pages faster and faster. Soon, the entire book had been >exposed and suddenly an evil laugh echoed from somewhere in the house, >and a shower of red blood splashed the book. Mike: The bold look of Satan. For a bloodbath like no other. >The blood did not stay still however, the wind seemed to be drawing >with it. Tom: THAT gives the India Ink company a run for its money! >The blood swirled and swished on the page, all the time forming a >shape. After some time, the wind died down and the shape was revealed. >On the blood stained page was a familiar figure, a hedgehog figure. >The laughed echoed again, and this time, the page burst into flames, >accompanied by the evil laughter! Crow: Boy, they must have gotten Industrial Light and Magic to do the effects for this! Tom: Yeah, too bad it's such a crappy story. Vincent: As I like to say, "All glitter and no story makes a bad movie." >Sonic floored the Trans Am, roaring along the trail again, scattering >leaves and debris. The brake lights shone Tom: (monotone) Eat at Joe's, Eat at Joe's, Eat at Joe's... >as the car screeched Vincent: (Car) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! >and swung up a narrow road. The back tires squealed as they fought Tom: Against the Amazing RANDOOOOOOO!! >for grip, and the car drove up the track, leaving only a wisp of black >smoke. (All fake coughing and hacking) >The smoke drifted away into the night sky, and was highlighted by the >moon. Crow: (Moon) Whoa, better highlight that smoke! *pen squeak* >The smoke hovered in the moonlight, Crow: *UFO noises* >as if being held there. Tom: LEGGO!! Vincent: ...my Eggo. >It began to twist and contort, Crow: *twist* Ow! *pop* Oof! *crack* Yi! I gotta get a better chiropractor! >and again Sonic's face appeared in the smoke. A breathy chuckle >sounded from nearby and the smoke returned back to its normal state, >fading away into the blackness. But the voice didn't. Tom: (ominously) Time to show that hedgehog who's number one... Mike: Was that really necessary? >A heavy breathing All: SPEEEEEW! Crow: Obscene phone call! Vincent: Next thing you know, he might be reciting Pentagon weapon contracts... (Pause) Tom: What was that? Vincent: Ever read "Bloom County?" Tom: Er... >was followed by footsteps on the ground. Crow: Sneak, sneak, sneak! >Something examined the tracks in the dirt and chuckled again. Tom: Why, it's Chuckles the Clown! Just doing clowny things and ripping the hearts out of mere mortals! Mike: Kids, don't be like Chuckles. >The voice looked into the darkness, laughed deeply, then began to >trudge slowly up the trail towards the Cabin, breathing heavily, Vincent: Waiting to start reciting Adolf Hitler's poetry. Mike: WAAAAGH! *falls behind chair* >and chuckling all the time. Crow: Chuckles, the Neo-Nazi bastard! Vincent: Who recites Adolf Hitler's poetry. Crow: That too. >Eventually, Sonic and Sally found the Cabin. Tom: (Sally) You boob, we were standing outside it all the time! >They unpacked the car and sorted out all their belongings. They both >agreed it had been a long day, and decided to go straight to sleep. >The only bed was a double, but Sonic said he had no problem with that. Crow: Aha! A lemon! Mike: Talk about sour puns... >They climbed in, kissed each other, and fell asleep in a hug. Vincent: Well, at least this is the worst. Mike: WAAAAGH!! *falls behind chair* Tom: Now what? Mike: (ominously) We've only hit the tip of the iceberg...run away while you still can! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (Mike suddenly faints) All: Uh-oh... >Next morning, Sonic woke up to find Sally out of bed. He called for >her, Vincent: (Sonic) Ya *****, where's my money?! >"Sally? Where are ya, Sal?" Sally called back, "In the kitchen, you >want some breakfast, Sonic Hedgehog?" He sat up, "What is it?" Sally >came back into the bedroom, "Jam and Honey", she smiled. Crow: For BREAKFAST? Tom: I have a bad feeling about this... >Sonic pulled a face, Vincent: (Sonic) *rip* OW! >"You know I hate those things, what gives?" Sally grinned and pulled >the sheet off his body. "You may not like to EAT them, but I'm sure >you won't mind if I just flavor your cock with them. After all, I did >promise you oral sex every day" All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Crow: Oh god, oh god... Tom: AAAAAAAAAA!! *head smokes profusely* Vincent: *lid rises off of head* >Sonic spread his legs eagerly, "Yeah, I'm up for that!!!!" Crow: *retches* Vincent: Bad pun, Ash. >Sally gently began stroking his penis, Tom: WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! *head explodes* Mike: Is it overAAAAAAAAAAGH!! *falls behind seat again* >making him erect. Sonic gasped and moaned softly as Sally worked on >him. Crow: *makes factory noises, then suddenly retches* >When he was fully hard, she took some of her sticky Jam and spread it >over his balls and cock. Vincent: *starts spinning like mad* Crow: *head falls off* Mike: Ohmygodohmygod, we'regonnadie... ???: Never fear, Jack is here! (Razorback Jack swoops in) RBJ: Don't worry, I'll help! Mike: Who the hell are you? RBJ: Does it really matter if I save your sorry ass? Mike: Er... (a pause) Thank god! We're about to go meltdown! RBJ: Hopefully the butter will distribute evenly. Mike: Jack...now's NOT the time for non-sequiters! Now's the time to go fix Tom... Vincent: *shorts out, and falls into seat, flames starting to shoot out dramatically* Mike: ...not to mention everyone else. RBJ: Okay! *whips out multitude of tools, then goes to work on the trio that has fallen* Tom: WAAGH! Is it over? RBJ: No. RUN FOR IT!! (Everyone runs out of the theater) Crow: Hey! The stupid door's locked! Vincent: Curse that Marvin! RBJ: There's only one thing that can save us now... All: SILLY SALVATION!! >Sonic Crow: Poopied! Tom: WAAGH! *head explodes* RBJ: Crow... >started Mike: His car! >as he RBJ: Ate cheese! *replaces Tom's head while saying this* >felt the Crow: Yak! Tom: WAAAGH! Is it over? Vincent: No. >coolness of Tom: The phlegm pool! Crow: *retches* >it on him. Sally Mike: Attempted to shoot President Ford! >licked her Crow: Yak! >lips as she Vincent: Whacked Clinton with a hairbrush. >finished coating him RBJ: I'm not EVEN gonna touch that one. >and set Mike: The timer to "Jack Robinson..." >about licking it off. Tom: Ewww... >She licked his Tom: (over word) shoe! >lovingly, tasting the RBJ: Adventure! >Jam and Vincent: butter substitute! >his sweat. Sonic stroked RBJ: Now THAT is just SICK! >her headfur, RBJ: Oh. >"Uuuuuuuh, that feels wonderful!", he Crow: Gesticulated! >groaned. Sally Mike: Was a giant peach! >licked his RBJ: Frozen waffles. >balls Crow: Are fun to play with! >until they were Tom: All green and moldy! Yuck! >clean. Then she gently Vincent: Beat him over the head with a rubber chicken! >lowered her muzzle over his Mike: Nose! >Sonic shuddered as he felt Vincent: Cold steel touch his back! >Sally's warm lips slide Tom: (Sally's lips) Wheeee! >over him. He rubbed Vincent: Some Vasaline into... >her back as she Tom: Shot Kennedy! >sucked him. His eyes were closed Crow: Because he was asleep, you idiot! >and he was painting Crow: The town red! Tom: *gasp* It's Grammar Jammer! The fiend! >rhythmically. The feeling of RBJ: Henry Kissinger's Swiss cheese... >Sally's lips and tongue teasing his Crow: Tennis! Tom: ARGH! OSCARISM!! >were overwhelming, and he could feel RBJ: A giant wooly mammoth! >the approaching climax. He looked down at Sally, Tom: Trying to figure out the Unified Field Theory! >panting hard. "I'm.....I'm gonna Crow: (Sonic) Toss my cookies if this lemon keeps on going! >...... RBJ: That's alotta dots. Tom: Guess they had a sale... >Sal! I...I..... can feel it!", he Crow: Spat! RBJ: I'd spit, but it'd clog my mask. >warned. Sally gave a thumbs up and he sank Tom: To the bottom of the ocean! >back down. He closed Vincent: His expensive suitcase! >his eyes and groaned as Sally's RBJ: Lecturing on Marxism! >licking and sucking Tom: Lollypops! >intensified. He RBJ: Exploded explosively! >gripped the Crow: Frog! >bed as Mike: Bill Gates took over! >he felt his Vincent: Insurance premiums hit the roof. >balls pulse Crow: EWWW!! >and his Tom: (quickly over word) pogo stick! >jump. He knew he was going to Mike: (q.o.w.) spontaniously combust! >, he could feel it hard now, REALLY hard. All: THEN STOP FEELING IT!! >He panted, Mike: Drooling all over his Levis! >moaned RBJ: Something about tax returns! >and his hips trembled. Vincent: So get some asprin! >He gritted his teeth (All make grinding and crunching noises) >and suddenly barked out (All start woofing and barking like dogs) >loudly as he came Tom: Over for tea! How nice! >hard into Sally's Crow: I'm not TOUCHING that one. Even I have a limit! >muzzle. Sally kept sucking her Hedgehog, Mike: Is that a new kind of confection? >swallowing his Tom: (q.o.w.) bicycle pump! >as she licked RBJ: Something she shouldn't have. >off the remaining Vincent: Wood chips! >Jam. Sonic gripped the bed All: REDUNDENCY!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! >as he felt his Tom: (q.o.w.) New England Clam Chowder! Crow: Is that the red or the white? Tom: (Jim Carrey) Erhm...white? >pulse as he Crow: Flamebroiled Sally! >spurted into Sally's mouth. Crow: I hope "spurted" is just another word for "spat." >She licked his tip Mike: His FELT tip pen! >as he began to calm down, and his RBJ: Obnoxiousness grew. >spurting slowed. She pulled Tom: Sonic's arm off! >from him quickly, and giggled as she watched the last few Mike: Episodes of Hogan's Heroes! >weak spurts dribble down his now wet All: (q.o.w.) WASHCLOTH!! >. She waited until he had finished RBJ: (Charles L. Charles) Galavanting around the Carribean with her pet monkey! >then she licked away the Crow: (q.o.w.) Lighter fluid! >that had leaked from his tip. Mike: Man, Sonic's got a real leaky pen there! >She lay beside the panting, sweaty Hedgehog and stroked his chest. Vincent: Okay, TOO much information... >"So, does this make up for giving up your powers?" Sonic turned his >head, "Oh yeah!!", he nodded, "You bet!!" All: YEAH RIGHT!! RBJ: Well, that was fun. Gotta split! (RBJ leaves) Crow: Now THAT'S surreal! >They spent the day setting up their belongings, kissing, hugging and >basically having fun. Tom: Whenever Sonic mentioned Jesus, however, Sally belted him. Crow: Did somebody raise their smut settings today? Tom: Eh, bite me, ya big poop. >Nightfall arrived quite quickly, Mike: (Nightfall) Alright, I'm here. Where's the beer? >and they were both surprised when they looked out of the window to see >pitch darkness. Crow: (ominously) Poor deluded fools...they should have know better... >"Wow", Sonic exclaimed, "We've done a lot in one day" Tom: The Grammar Jammer strikes again! >Sally nodded in agreement, Crow: Hey, sometimes I've seen them say "nodnod!" Vincent: And where did you see that? Crow: On a...webpage...of stories...good ones...why...do you ask? Mike: I get the feeling Crow's train of thought makes frequent stops. >"Yes, it's amazing what we brought with us. Still, at least we can >concentrate on enjoying ourselves instead of saving Mobius for once" All: IN YOUR DREAMS!! >Outside, something stirred in the darkness. Mike: (cooking lady) Now, stir your blood sausage in with the bones of a small cat, being sure to liberally sprinkle in some skink toes! >It chuckled deeply, All: IT'S CHUCKLES!! >and began to move toward to cabin slowly. Crow: Sneak, sneak, sneak! >It could see the lovers inside, Vincent: "It?" Mike: Well, who'd you expect? Sketch Turner? >and when it saw Sally go into the kitchen, it laughed evilly, and >followed her around to the entrance. (All start humming the Jaws Theme) >Sonic stayed in the lounge, flicking through the TV Channels. Tom: (Sally) Sonic, how many times have I told you not to use THAT finger?! >The reception wasn't good, Crow: The mob should've given him a hint... >but it was watchable. He flicked over to the sport channel and decided >to watch the Touring Car Race. Mike: Touring Car Race? Not ANOTHER fake channel! >He LOVED driving, and anything fast was good enough for him. Crow: Now, cricket, on the other hand... >Motorbikes were OK, but cars were better.. He was about to settle back >into the chair when Sally screamed and a loud crash was heard. Tom: Well, so much for suspense. >Sonic fell out of his chair Vincent: *thud* >but got up and raced to the kitchen. Crow: Uh, HELLOOOOOO, Earth to Ash?? What were you thinking?! Vincent: Please. He meant it figuratively. >Sally was knocked out, but there were a dozen knives hovering above >her. Tom: Hey! It's a "Knothole Murders" ripoff! All: BOO! HISS! BOO! >"NO!!!", he screamed, Crow: No no no, that should be... All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Mike: Whoa, I'm gettin' dizzy... >but he was too late, as suddenly, as if by his words, the knives >plunged into Sally's body. Blood spilled almost everywhere, and the >evil laugh rang out throughout the cabin, as if in Triumph. Vincent: But before leaving, it began writing "Helter Skelter" all over the walls and insulting the cops. >Sonic fell before Sally and held her head. Vincent: *thud* >She was dead, he knew it. Mike: (McCoy) She's dead, Jim. >The laughter echoed still. "Shut Up!!", he yelled, Crow: And he proceeded to beat the crap outta Chuckles! Tom: Chuckles, the Neo-Nazi Bastard who recites Adolf Hitler's poetry! Vincent: Oh, you included it this time! >"Just shut the [CITNOGT] up!!", (Pause) Tom: [CITNOGT]? Crow: Great, now we're crossing over with ANOTHER SHOW!! Vincent: Not to mention breaking fourth wall. >he broke down and cried heavily into Sally's neck. He sobbed heavily >into his dead lover's neck fur. Tom: Another redundency? Oy! >The voice chuckled lightly. That was the last straw for Sonic. Tom: (old lady) Now go buy some more, young man, or no desert tonight! >With tears still in his eyes he stood up, and with a face like granite >he yelled, "Whatever you are, you're gonna pay for this!! I'll kill >you for this, you mark my words. I'll finish you off, you hear???" Mike: If this is the best dialogue Ash could write, I only have one thing to say. Crow: What's that? Mike: "Don't quit your day job." >The voice was silent for a while, but Sonic stood his ground, >breathing hard, tears streaming down his face. Tom: The tears filled the room, drowning Sonic, ending the STORY, SO WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS THEATER!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *head explodes* Vincent: Boy, talk about bitterness. Better go find the heads again... *a wormhole opens up, and a head suddenly flies onto Tom's body* (Pause) Vincent: Well! That was pretty odd, wasn't it? >>"YOU HEAR?????", he yelled again. The voice responded, "You defiled >the book, therefore you must pay. Vincent: (evil voice/Chuckles) That'll be $196.88, plus sales tax, please! >We took your lover's life as payment." Sonic was dumbstruck. What >book, he thought. The voice read his mind, "The book in the house you >found. You opened the sacred book, but you did not replace it. No-one >can defile the book and not pay the price" Tom: Look! It's Grammar Jammer! And his sidekick, Hyphen Boy! >Sonic refused this, "You Bastards!! You evil Bastards!!! Mike: (Fat Bastard) Och, look, stop it with the...wait a minute...he kinda looks like a baby...C'MERE, I'M GONNA EAT YA!! I'M BIGGER THAN YEW AND HIGHER IN THA FOOD CHAIN!! GET IN MAH BELLY!!!! >You had no right to kill Sally! She didn't read the book, I did, why >did you kill her??", he broke down again, sobbing hard. The voice >spoke directly into his head, "Because, that way, YOU know what price >it is you had to pay" Tom: Dang, Grammar Jammer's on a roll tonight! Vincent: What an evil, evil little man. >Sonic yelled out again, his voice cracking through his tears, "I'm >sorry, I didn't know. I'm sorry. Please, give me back Sally, give me >back Sally, please!!!!!", he waited, but the voice did not respond. He >collapsed on her lifeless body, hugging her blood stained corpse. Crow: (singing) I know of Sonic Hedgehog, and here is his game-o! NE-CRO-PHI-LI-A! NE-CRO-PHI-LI-A! NE-CRO-PHI-LI-A! And that is Sonic's game-o! >"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", he screamed, >"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Crow: Hey, he listened to me! (Everyone cheers) >His voice echoed into the night, with only the wind accompanying his >sorrow Tom: AAA! Grammar Jammer struck again! Crow: The fiend! >To Be Continued! Mike: RUN!! IT'S THE SEQUEL MAKER!! (Everyone runs out screaming) (Door Chain 1-6) (The Mecha) (Everyone except Mike is in front of the camera) Crow: Mike, come out! Mike: (off screen) No! I don't wanna! Vincent: Mike, you're being very difficult right now... Mike: (o.s.) I don't care! Why'd you DO this to me?! Tom: It's all part of the show! Now come on out before we send the Nanites after you again! Mike: (o.s.) Oh, alright... (Mike comes on screen...dressed as an absolutely hideous clown) Tom: *ahem* Well folks, we decided to have an interview with... All: CHUCKLES, THE NEO-NAZI BASTARD!! Vincent: Tonight, he will recite some of Adolf Hitler's poetry...Chuckles? Mike: Erhm...oh, hehe! *ahem* "While Austria burns,//and we steal Poland's pants;//My will is strong,//tomorrow we take France!" Thank you. (Pause) C-3P0: Somehow I doubt that Adolf Hitler actually wrote that... R2-D2: Bloop breet floop blip ping! Crow: Hey, relax, it's just for effect! (MADS Sign) Tom: Well, buckles your seat belts, here comes two Space Ghost rejects! (Crow taps the MADS Button) (The Death Star) Marvin: I'm amazed that you survived THAT dreck. I almost threw myself into the fusion reactors...no, wait, that was just being normal. I almost felt...embarrassed. Maximillian: So they survived. So what? We've got that Oscar fic to dig out... Marvin: Later Max, later. Push the button, Max. Maximillian: Uh, boss? Marvin: What? Maximillian: YOU'RE the one with the hands, not me! Marvin: *sigh* Right. Let's end this bloody thing. (Marvin pushes the button) FWOOOSH!! \ / \ / \ / \ / --- O --- / \ / \ / \ / \ Maximillian: (voice over) Although I think I could... Marvin: (v.o.) Oh, shut up. ----- The story that has been ripped to shreds is the property of Ash the Hedgie, and I say he can have it! The characters of Tom and Crow are the property of Best Brains (an apt name, don't you think?), Vincent and Maximillian are Disney property, C-3P0 and R2-D2 are from Lucasfilms, and Marvin is from Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." All of the characters (with the exception of myself, Razorback Jack) were used without permission of their owners. Comments, questions, feedback, etc? Mail me at glendarl@socal.rr.com! Mailbombs, flames, spam, etc? Mail that stuff to jump_up_my_butt@hatemail.com! (Courtesy of Andy "Spazfox" Sikora) STINGER (*zzt* OUCH!): >"Just shut the [CITNOGT] up!!", (Note: Exactly wording intentionally discarded)