Thundercats: Exile Isle An episode of ThunderCats MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Transcript by Tracy Butler Hello!! Many might wonder why I'm doing a MSTing of such a good show. Well, this show involves lots and lots of logical plotholes...enough to make your head (or Tom Servo's) explode. Oh, well. On with the show! [Roll Season 8 Theme] [Unnamed Planet] [PEARL is shuffling through the stack of bad fanfics, looking for another literary disaster to trash Mike and the Bots with. OBSERVER is watching a television set.] PEARL: No!! Darn it...not painful enough!! OBSERVER: Well, you should see this er...television program...it is rather enjoyable...it's called ThunderCats. Oh, look...they can breathe in space. [While OBSERVER watches the show, his brain begins to give off smoke.] OBSERVER: My...they do travel rather quick... [Suddenly, OBSERVER's brain catches fire.] PEARL: BOBO!! Quick!! Get the fire extinguisher!! BOBO: Hoo! Hoo!! [BOBO grabs the fire extinguisher, and discharges it. The CO2 vapors obscure everything, and we fade to commercials.] [commercials] [Unnamed Planet] [OBSERVER's brain has cooled off, and PEARL is beaming] PEARL: Yes!!! That's it!! Brain Guy, you're brilliant!!! We can fry Mike and his friends under the guise of a *good* show!! Yes! OBSERVER: Guuuu...I had Jello today... PEARL: Move on over there, Forrest...I've got some fish to fry! [SoL] [MIKE and the BOTS are eating dinner when the red MADS light blinks] MIKE: Oh, boy...let's get that. [hits light] [UP] PEARL: Hello, Nelson...I see that you've been a good boy..so I'm going to send you a nice TV show!! [SoL] MIKE: Really? That sounds great!! What is it? [UP] PEARL: It's called "Exile Isle". It's an episode of the popular show ThunderCats...except it's one of the not-so-good episodes. Enjoy!! [pushes "send movie" button] [SoL] MIKE: Oh, that doesn't sound too bad... [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: We've got CARTOON SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [All take seats] Exile Isle An episode of Thundercats written by William Overgard TOM: "Exile Isle"...the Napoleon Bonaparte story! WilyKit and WilyKat were in the woods walking peacefully with their robotic dog, Scooper. What they didn't know was that the lunatacs were lurking nearby, ready to pounce on them. CROW: Yeah, I'd buy that, what with Luna's voice and all... Suddenly the dog started sniffing, as though he suspected something is amiss... MIKE: [Scooper]Oh..I forgot, I'm the opening plot device! "Boy, it looks like Scooper smells something!" WilyKat exclaimed. TOM: [Wilykat] I'd better remember to use the bathroom *before* I leave!! MIKE: Off to a gross start today, Tom? Luna, riding Amok as usual, ALL: [shudder] suddenly jumped out of the bushes and yelled "Get 'em!" The other lunatacs emerged from hiding as well. CROW: [Lunatacs] Yeah!! We're not gonna screw up like last time! WilyKat and WilyKit jumped back, startled, and WilyKat looked to their dog. "Go get 'em Scooper! Sic 'em!" he ordered. Scooper simply cowered and put his paws over his robotic eyes. "Scooper! Do something!" WilyKat yelled, frustrated. TOM: [Wilykat] Why is it that my dogs are always yellow? "Freeze, kittens!" Chilla hissed, and spat ice in their direction. The Thunderkittens were frozen solid. MIKE: Ummm...shouldn't they die from that? CROW: You can't die in ThunderCats. You can only be put in suspended animation. Luna pointed at Scooper, who had dodged the blast of ice. "Don't let that hound get away!" CROW: [Luna] I need a new "toy"!! MIKE: CROW!!! TOM: Yuck! Chilla spat more ice, but missed, and the dog's ears suddenly turned into propellers and it flew away unharmed. "ACK! It's a flying dog!" an irate Luna yelled. TOM: [singing] You can fly you can fly you can fly... *** At the Tower of Omens, Lion-O, Panthro, and Lynx-O were gathered in the control room. Panthro looked at the controls. "We're getting a reading on an incoming object." CROW: [Panthro] And it's unknown, so it must be evil. Battle Stations! "It's mechanical, and I'm getting a heat reading from it." Lynx-O added. MIKE: Meanwhile, Cheetara gives a slight blush. CROW: Good one, Mike. You're learning. Lion-O cast Lynx-O a curious look. "A missile?" he asked. MIKE: [Lynx-O] How the hell am I supposed to know? And stop casting looks at me!! That's cruel! "No, I don't believe it is." Panthro replied. Scooper flew in at them heading full speed towards the window. "It's gonna come right through the glass!" Panthro yelled in warning, and the three Thundercats ducked out of the way. TOM: A slight ripoff of the Airplane! terminal sketch. "Look out!" Lion-O called out. Scooper broke through the window, flew through the control room, slammed into the doorway, and slumped to the floor. CROW: Scooper had one too many. Panthro was astonished. "What is it?" he asked. "A mechanical dog. It's a birthday present for the Thunderkittens from the Berbils. They call it Scooper." Lion-O answered with a laugh. MIKE: [Lion-O] I wonder what's so funny about that? Oh, well. "Then why aren't they with it?" Panthro wondered, feeling concern. CROW: I would say *among other things*, but Cheetara's not here. TOM: [snicker] MIKE: Crow... Lion-O thought for a moment. "That's a good question. This model has a built in monitor. Watch and I'll ask." Lion-O bent down, twisted the dog's nose, and a monitor popped out of his head. "Scooper, where are the Thunderkittens?" he asked the robot dog. CROW: [Scooper] Bad command or file name...(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail. The word "caught" flashed on the monitor. TOM: [Scooper] They got my stash, man!! "Caught?! By whom?!" Lion-O demanded. The screen displayed the words "bad guys". "Bad guys, what does that mean? MIKE: I thought Panthro was one of the smart ones. I guess I'm wrong. Who? Where?" Panthro asked, very worried now. CROW: [Panthro] And other questions beginning with "W"! *** The lunatacs were walking through the woods, the tied-up Thunderkittens with them. "I'm sick of walking." Chilla complained. "Blame it on the Thundercats." Alluro replied. "They've wiped out all our vehicles." TOM: [Alluro] That, and the public transit around here stinks. "Well then, we're going to take their vehicles. These kids are going to lead us to where they keep the Thunderstrike. Then we'll use their weapons to blow them clear off Third Earth." Luna announced. MIKE: [Luna] Assuming we don't fall in a plothole first. CROW: [Luna] Oh, I think I should just tell them what our plan is so that they know how to ruin it! WilyKit and WilyKat exchanged looks. Luna turned to them. "All right you two brats, where is the Thunderstrike?" "I'll never tell!" WilyKit announced proudly. TOM: [Wilykat] I swear by the hair on my chinny-chin chin! "That goes double for me!" WilyKat added. "Really?" Luna asked, with a sort of amused surprise. "Do you have any idea what RedEye could do to you?" RedEye grunted and squeezed his hands, displaying his strength. WilyKat gulped with fear. Luna looked at WilyKat. CROW: [Luna] If you don't comply, I'll do a tabledance!! ALL: [shudder] "You look like a smart boy, WilyKat, I bet you could tell me where the Thunderstrike is." MIKE: [Wilykat] Not true, because I make all sorts of weird guesses about buttons in _Circus Train_. CROW: Mike, that episode hadn't aired yet. You'll cause a paradox. MIKE: Sorry. WilyKat looked at his sister, then Luna, as if considering it. "Well, I might..." he said. CROW: [Wilykat] But Amok can't be a part of our threesome! MIKE & TOM: CROW!!! "WilyKat!! You wouldn't!!!" WilyKit protested. "Why not?" he asked her. "There's no sense in getting hurt over this!" He turned to Luna. "Lean down, and I'll whisper it." TOM: [Wilykat] Pssst...your fly's open... Luna bent down and whispered to him eagerly "Where?". "There!" WilyKat replied loudly, and pointed directly above. The Thunderstrike flew above them, and separated into its three components, getting ready to attack. The kittens immediately ran away, and the lunatacs scattered. CROW: [Lunatacs] AAAH!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! "Stand your ground!" Luna shouted. "The Thundercats won't shoot when we have the Thunderkittens!" MIKE: But you *don't* have the Thunderkittens, you silly troll!! Each part of the Thunderstrike then dropped a net, capturing all of the lunatacs. TOM: And so ends the easily resolved conflict. *** Lion-O had gathered the Thundercats in a council room, and had the lunatacs trapped in force field beam in the middle, looking very angry. Lion-O himself paced in front of them. CROW: The windup...the pitch...and here's the smarm... "You lunatacs refuse to live in peace, and abide by the laws for the good of all. Therefore we must punish you." He turned to Lynx-O. "What is their sentence?" TOM: [Lynx-O] Have 'em empty the Mutants' septic tank. "There is only one humane sentence, for us and for them-- exile." Lynx-O answered. MIKE: [Lynx-O] 'course, we could lock them in a soundproof room with Willa and the Unicorn Keeper and have them recite the Constitution. Lion-O nodded. "Very well, it shall be done." He lowered his hand, and Panthro pressed a button on a control panel. The lunatacs, letting out cries of protest, were beamed away. TOM: [Luna] Hey!! You can't write us off like that!! I'm callin' my agent!! "Where have you sent them?" WilyKit asked. "Far, far away." Lion-O replied. CROW: I feel a song coming on... "A tiny planet called Exile Isle." Panthro added. "And there's no way for them to escape?" WilyKat asked. "No, no way at all." Lion-O answered confidently. MIKE: [Lion-O] That is, *logically*. *** Meanwhile, across the galaxy, on a small planet called Exile Isle... The lunatacs were beamed onto the planet's surface, still complaining. TOM: [Red-Eye] You call that a transporter beam? My microwave has more power than that crap!! "What a dump!" TugMug exclaimed. CROW: [TugMug] Although it looks a lot like my room! Chilla cast a glance toward a run down shack nearby. "Is this the only building on the place?" "Listen! What's that?" Alluro asked. The sounds of swords clinking could be heard. MIKE: Hey! Who let Macbeth in here? Chilla strained to hear. "Swords? A fight?" she wondered. The lunatacs walked toward the shack and peered in. The saw a robot with a sword pretending to fight with a dummy and a robotic bird perched nearby. TOM: The declining years of C-3PO... "Take that, err, you scurvy cur!" the robot announced, hitting the dummy with the sword. CROW: Oh, great. One of *these*... "Right in the gizzard, awk!" the bird added. The robot turned to the lunatacs. "Hehehe, what's this, guests?" he asked. MIKE: [robot] I've heard of roach motels, but *literally*? "Aaaah!" Luna screeched. "Who the devil are you?" "Why, Captain Cracker, fearless fighter and all-around good fella!" the robot exclaimed, swinging his sword. TOM: They must be at the Bellevue of exile islands. "He's nothing but a beat-up old robot." Chilla sneered. "Heep, arr, I wouldn't say that, girlie, I'm a famous pirate hereabouts." Cracker replied, posing and leaning on his sword. CROW: [Cracker] 'Course, I'm the only one here... "Ok Captain Cracker, is there any way off this rock?" Luna demanded. MIKE: I thought it was a planet!! TOM: Does that mean that they're actually on an asteroid? MIKE: Yup. TOM: Then...why are they breathing? [starts to vibrate slightly] Cracker shook his head. TOM: Getting a small straight. MIKE: Back to the Yahtzee again, Tom? "No, none. Ships won't come near it, and there's no radio to communicate with anyone, heep." CROW: *Heep*? TOM: Heap of trash? MIKE: How about *heap of nuts and bolts*. TOM: That's even better. "Oh, we have a radio!" Luna replied with a smile, and pulled a hand radio out of a pouch of Amok's saddle. CROW: Hmmmmm... MIKE: Crow, don't even try it. "You do? Well now, heep, that changes everything!" Cracker replied excitedly. TOM: They...can use a hand radio...for interstellar communication... [vibrates more] *** Nearby on a spaceship, two alien beings, a male and a female, each wearing spacesuits and mostly bald except for two moustace-like hair tufts on the male and a tuft in the middle of the female's head, sat at the controls. CROW: [aliens] Hurry, or we'll be late for Kes's baby shower! "Coming up on the edge of the Exile Isle, Zun. Watch those monitors." the male said. MIKE: [male alien] I need a name. Could you get that Scrabble bag? "Don't worry, we'll stay a million light years away from that place." the female replied. MIKE: So they shouldn't even be able to see the planetoid anyway. TOM: [vibrates more constantly now] Suddenly Cracker's voice came through on a radio transmission. "Can you hear me? TOM: [aliens] Unfortunately, yes. Please help!" "What's that?" asked the male. CROW: A cry for help! Pay attention! "Mayday, mayday, heep, mayday!!" Cracker cried. MIKE: [Luna] No...I want a little pleasure...Maytag! Maytag! Maytag! CROW: And you say *I'm* bad. "This is the space tanker Zlam." the female spoke into the radio. "Where are you?" "My coordinates are 0-6-8-9er, ohhhh hurry!" Cracker answered, sounding distressed. TOM: [Cracker] Get me outta here!! This Luna chick is going to sing!! "Hang on, we're coming." the female assured him. The ship turned back, toward Exile Isle. CROW: [klaxon noises] MIKE & TOM: Plot point!! Plot point!! *** Down on Exile Isle, Captain Cracker led the lunatacs toward a volcano with a huge bellows device beneath it. CROW: *Beneath* it?! TOM: [vibrates faster] MIKE: Tom, you need some aspirin. "In the old days, this island used to be a place for shipwreckers, heep, salvage pirates would deliberately lure ships to crash. This is how they did it, see?" CROW: [Cracker] They would load the planets with Princess Di memorabilia. he pointed to the bellows device "When these bellows are worked, they set up what we liked to call the devil's fog, heh. Come on, grab hold, heep!" he directed them. TOM: [Luna] Alll riiiighhht!! I haven't had any action in years!! MIKE: TOM!! Cracker and Chilla took one side while Amok and Alluro took the other. The team of them pumped the handles, CROW: Hey, isn't that producing heat? Shouldn't Chilla stay away from there? TOM: [shakes more] and large quantities of smoke billowed out into the atmosphere and the space around the planet. TOM: THERE'S NO AIR IN SPACE!!! MIKE: Tom, settle down!! We'll take a break soon!! "Hehehe, what did I tell ya?" Cracker asked proudly "Heep, a few more pumps and this whole isle will fade out, heh heh heh. There's no way that ship will see us till it's too late, heep!" The smoke completely obscured the small planet. CROW: Uhhhh?...wha? MIKE: That's a lot of atmosphere for an asteroid. *** Back on the ship, the female pilot turned to the male pilot. CROW: Lemon time!! MIKE: Crow... "I don't like this. We're entering Exile Isle's danger zone. Keep a sharp eye on the radar screens!" TOM: [female pilot] And keep a dull eye on the space ahead. The screen showed a clouded area. "Look out, there's a shoal planet in there!" the male called out, panicked. CROW: [male] We'd better not adjust our course or anything... "We're too late, abandon ship!" the female cried. MIKE: [female] Screw whoever's in the way!! Seconds later they were in an escape pod, speeding away from the ship, which crashed right into Exile Isle. TOM: I knew it all the time!! CROW: Man, that pod's really bookin'! *** The lunatacs and Cracker were all coated in ash, scattered on the ground from the impact of the crash. MIKE: Cue shameless minstrel gag... Luna and Amok poked through and shook off. "AAHHH! You broken down old robot!" Luna screeched. "You made the blasted ship crash! What good is that going to do us?!" CROW: [Cracker] Ssshhh...we're about to break a law of physics and you're ruining it for me... Cracker looked up. "That was the whole idea, heep, Madam." he answered, oiling one of his joints. TOM: [Cracker] Who wants a smoke? "The smack from that tanker knocked us out of our regular orbit." MIKE: [Cracker] You buy that? Luna looked around. "That's right." she said thoughtfully. "We're drifting in space." "Now all we'll have to do is fire those engines up, heep, and they'll push us home!" Cracker told them excitedly. CROW: But what about the atmosphere that's providing their gravity and air? MIKE: Details, details... CROW: Let's take a break. [*,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [SoL-Bridge] TOM: Hey, Mike...could you come with us for a sec? MIKE: Sure, Tom...what's up? TOM: Oh, nothing...just follow me. [TOM leads MIKE to the airlock hatch, which is covered by a flimsy flattened cardboard box.] TOM: Oh, could you just move that box and turn the hatch there? [CROW enters] MIKE: Sure. [MIKE moves the box and begins to turn the wheel on the hatch when... MIKE: HEYY!!! TOM: Yikes!! Run, Crow!!! MIKE: I'll get you two!! [MIKE passes by the flashing commercial sign light] [commercials] [SoL Theater] TOM: Whew!! That was fun!! MIKE: Why do you guys do that? I don't try to kill *you* for pleasure! CROW: [British accent] Lighten up, just a bit o' fun! *** Back at the Tower of Omens, Panthro was monitoring communications with an operator's headgear device. He turned away from the panel and looked towards the others. "A space tanker has gone down on Exile Isle." TOM: Damn!! That was fast!! [a bit of smoke comes out of his head] he told them. "The pilots escaped and were picked up, but they think the crash knocked Exile Isle out of orbit." CROW: [Panthro] Damn laws of physics!! "We'd better identify its exact position." Lion-O said. "Do we have anybody near that area?" "Snarfer is coming back from a turnaround to Thundera. He could be detoured." Lynx-O volunteered. MIKE: [Snarfer, sarcastically] Oh, so nice of you to volunteer me, snarfer, snarfer! Panthro turned back to the communicator. "Snarfer? Can you read me?" Snarfer's voice came through on the radio. "Sure can, reading you loud and clear!" he cheerfully replied. ALL: [shudder] TOM: Why are there so many annying voices in this show? On Snarfer's ship, he listened to Panthro's communication, holding a slice of pizza in his hand. "See if you can locate Exile Isle." Panthro instructed him. "It's fallen out of orbit." CROW: [Panthro] Well, actually, it was pushed, but hey, who cares? "No sweat, Panthro, will do! Over and eat!" Snarfer giggled to himself, took a bite of pizza, and hit a few buttons on the control panel to turn the ship around. "Snarfer to Thundercats. I've located Exile Isle. It seems to be moving towards me." MIKE: Meanwhile, Elmo comes in from the opposite direction with his lawyer, planning to sue Snarfer for stealing his voice... "It can't be!" Panthro exclaimed in disbelief. "Yup, yes sir, it is. Want me to go closer?" Snarfer asked. TOM: [Panthro] Of course! Doing otherwise would contradict the plot! "Negative." Panthro replied. "Turn around and head for base on the double!" CROW: What is this? _Top Gun_? "Will do! Coming home!" Snarfer said, and hit a few more controls. He cast a wary glance at the controls. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that rock was chasing me..." he hit a few more controls. "I'll increase speed." MIKE: Thanks, Snarfer...but we figured as much. Seconds later he was even more worried. "Hey! That rock is moving faster than I am!" Snarfer began to shake out of fear. "It's gaining on me! Snarfer, snarfer..." "Use evasive tactics!" Panthro shouted. CROW: [Panthro] Move left and right!! MIKE: You know, why can't Snarfer just change direction? I mean, come on! "No way! No sir! I move a wingtip at this speed, this baby'll fly to pieces!" Snarfer cried. TOM: The Snarf Cruiser...the Yugo of spaceships. "Increase speed!" Panthro shouted. "I'm up to max!!! I can't go any faster!" Snarfer whined, looking back and seeing that the planet was still gaining on him. "It's closing in!" HELLLP MEEEE! HELP! It looks like it's goona... snarffff....." the transmission cut off, dead. CROW: [young boy] But you can't die in ThunderCats, can you? At the Tower of Omens, Lion-O, Panthro, and the Thunderkittens faced one another with shocked looks on their faces. "He's gone!" WilyKit cried. "Exile Isle swallowed him up!" MIKE: Actually, he was swallowed by a plothole. "And it's worse. We just got a message from that tanker's pilots. That ship was carrying a full load of slam gas-- that's deadly stuff. As soon as it enters our atmosphere, it'll go up in one giant fireball." Lion-O lamented. TOM: So Union Carbide ships gas through space. CROW: That wasn't nice. The lawyers will be after you. "You mean the lunatacs are goona blow everybody up, including themselves?" WilyKat asked in shock. MIKE: [Lion-O] Yes. That would mean that we would have justification to beat the tar out of 'em. Lion-O nodded. "This calls for a low profile operation. I'll go alone in the hovercat and rescue Snarfer, and we'll do whatever we can to diffuse that thing. I shall leave the Sword of Omens here." Lion-O pulled the sword out of the claw shield and laid it down. TOM: Funny...how can *anything* be low-profile with Snarfer's voice? "No!" WilyKit cried. "Why?" WilyKat asked. MIKE: [Lion-O] 'Cause I said so. Nyah. "If it were to explode, the Sword of Omens would be lost, the Eye of Thundera destroyed, and that would mean the end of the Thundercats." Panthro explained. He turned to Lion-O. "Go with justice..." he laid his hand on the sword. CROW: Ooohhh... MIKE: Not *THAT* sword, Crow!! "...truth..." WilyKit added, putting her hand on his. "...honor..." WilyKat added, also placing his hand on theirs. "...and loyalty." Lion-O finished, laying his hand on top of the pile. "HOOOO!" they all shouted in unison, TOM: [Cheetara] Yes? MIKE: Tom... holding up the Sword of Omens together. ALL: [singing] For he's a jolly good swoooord... *** The lunatacs and Captain Cracker were gathered outside the crashed space tanker. CROW: [Chief O'Hara] Move along here...nothing to see here... "I tell you I saw a flash! Something hit us! Another spaceship?" Luna said. "Where is it?" Chilla asked impatiently. "I don't see anything." MIKE: [Chilla] LensCrafters said in an hour...it's been ten days!! Maybe I shouldn't have froze them beforehand. "It could be on the other side of this dinky island." Alluro said. "Let's spread out and search for it." "Good idea." Cracker agreed. "Me and Polly will hold down the base here." TOM: [Cracker] Give me a second while I try to learn correct grammar. *** Snarfer, disoriented but otherwise all right, climbed out of the mouth of the volcano. "Holy tomatoes!" he exclaimed. "I landed right in the opening of the volcano. Hey, good thing too, that ash was nice and soft." he giggled, CROW: I'm telling you right now...Elmo's right at the door with his lawyer. looking down at where he fell. He turned sharply, but lost his balance and broke into a run down the side of the volcano to avoid falling over. "Look out below!" he shouted, running. As he neared the bottom, he slowed a little. "I made it!" he said proudly, and crashed right into Captain Cracker and fell over. MIKE: Cue comic relief... "Well now, what be you?" Cracker asked, looking at Snarfer curiously. Snarf stood proudly. "I'm a snarf, sir, and proud to be at the service of the Thundercats!" he announced. TOM: Well, Snarfer...I don't think you oughta say that now... "The Thundercats?!" Cracker shouted with annoyance. "It was those dirty dogs-- er-- cats, who put me on this stinkin' island!" he shouted angrily. CROW: You just opened up a whole new can of whoop-ass, son! Snarfer gave a nervous laugh and backed away. "Oh well, it's been nice meeting you but I better be going now..." he said, breaking into a run. MIKE: Meep Meep!! "Come back here ya pussy lover!" Cracker shouted, waving his sword and running after him. ALL: WHAT? MIKE: Pussy...lover. CROW: Pussy lover? [all exit theater] [commercials] [SoL-Bridge] [MIKE is carrying a plate of cookies.] MIKE: Hey, guys...want some cookies? CROW: [Cracker] Sure, ya pussy lover! [snicker] MIKE: Crow... TOM: [Cracker] Avast, ya pussy lover!! CROW: No, *I* get to fight the pussy lover!! [giggle] TOM: Back!! Pussy lovers are in my realm, ya pussy lover...[snicker] [TOM and CROW suddenly break out laughing.] CROW & TOM: BWAH,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! [lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: Oooh..we've got cartoon sign!! [runs offscreen] TOM: [frantically laughing] PUSSY LOVER!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] *** CROW: Pussy...lover... MIKE: Enough, guys. Lion-O landed in the Hovercat on Exile Isle and pulled out a bag that slung over his shoulder like a purse. "I feel naked without my sword." TOM: [Lion-O] Have some sun, little friend!! MIKE: Tom... Lion-O thought. "But I've brought along a few common remedies that might cure the lunatacs of their nasty habits. The first thing I've got to do is locate the tanker and somehow shut her rockets down..." Lion-O walked off, and Chilla sneaked up behind him. CROW: [Chilla] Must...not...incapacitate...main character...must wait for smarm... "If I didn't know better, I'd swear that was Lion-O of the Thundercats, but where's his famous sword?" she thought to herself, and rushed at him, preparing to attack. MIKE: [Chilla] Oh, I'd better make plenty of noise so that he can hear me... Lion-O whirled around as she lunged at him. "Chilla!" TOM: No s**t, Sherlock!! MIKE: TOM! "And without that sword to defrost my powers, what will keep me from turning you into a snow cone?" she sneered at him. CROW: [Lion-O] Oh, just a plot convenience... Chilla hissed, spitting ice, but Lion-O ducked, reached into his bag, and threw a crystalline substance on her. She cried out and hunched over, beginning to drip as though she were melting. "What is that?!" she cried. "Stop!!! You're melting me!!! What is that? A secret formula?" MIKE: Oh, boo, Lion-O. You're killing her. That's against the rules of the show!! CROW: You'd think Saban edited this show. "Prepare to be sent to... ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!" "No, Chilla, an ancient one." Lion-O answered. "Rock salt!" TOM: But she can shoot FIRE!!! She can't be made of ICE!! [starts to shake again] He took another handful and shook it lightly, ready to hurl another fistful at her if she attacked again. CROW: [British] Oh, bad show, chap. "AAAHHH!" Chilla screamed. "No, not that! Anything but rock salt!" she cried, and ran away. MIKE: She can't really be made of ice. Relax, Tom. TOM: [continues shaking slightly] Alluro crept up behind Lion-O and spoke in his soothing accented voice. "Lion-O... so good to see you. Thank heaven you got rid of that nasty Chilla." CROW: That's what you get when you reject me!! TOM: Why does this guy remind me so much of Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror? Lion-O turned around and faced him. Alluro smiled and spoke again, drawing on the mesmerizing power of the eye medallion in his belt. MIKE: [Alluro] Say it...S-E-G-A. "If you'll just follow me, I'll help you capture the others. Just let me guide you... I'm your friend..." he spoke, trying to put Lion-O into a trance. CROW: [Lion-O] Must survive...must produce plot device... Lion-O shook his head, and reached into his bag. Alluro laughed. "Are you going to sprinkle salt on me too, Lion-O?" TOM: [Lion-O] Well, I actually was going to sprinkle some baking soda on you, but you sorta blew up my plan now. "No." Lion-O replied. "This is a lie translator. Let's hear what you really said."] MIKE: A *lie* translator?!! TOM: [shakes harder] He pressed a button on the device, and it began to play. Alluro's voice came from the machine. "Just as soon as Lion-O's guard is down I'll bash him with the psyche club." it said. CROW: Man!! You think the CIA might want to get one of those? "That's my voice!" Alluro protested. TOM: Oh, *really*? "And that's what you were really thinking." Lion-O answered. MIKE: [Lion-O] Well, it coulda been a tape... "And this is what I'd really like to do!" Alluro growled, grabbed his psyche club, and lunged at Lion-O, preparing to beat him with it. Lion-O tripped him, knocked him to the ground, sat astride him, and pulled his arms around him roughly around his back, then reached into his bag. Lion-O took out some rope and quickly tied him up, and stood above him. CROW: [Texan announcer] The first Exile Isle rodeo was a bust at the attendance gates, but a winner in spirit. Alluro struggled and pulled at the ropes. Lion-O rubbed his hands. "I'll pick you up on the way back." he informed him, and moved on towards the ship. TOM: [Lion-O] I'll be a little lonely tonight, so... MIKE: Stop right there. A few moments later, he was greeted by Luna and Amok. "Well well, if it's not the Lord of the Thundercats, but where's his famous sword? I'd say you had a bad case of overconfidence!" Luna snarled. CROW: [Luna] You could say that about me, too...except I have Amok. "I don't think so, Luna." Lion-O said, reaching into his bag. "I suppose you've got something in that bag that Amok can't stand?" Luna challenged him. TOM: [Lion-O] Yeah. A .wav of Snarfer, the Crystal Queen, Willa, and the Unicorn Keeper singing Christmas carols! MIKE: Okay, we've just about run that joke into the ground, guys. "This is something they can't get enough of-- in fact they go crazy over it: MIKE: So Amok is more than one person. TOM: [shakes harder] candy!" Lion-O answered, holding up some candy and then throwing it. CROW: Candy...the next best substitute for parental love!! Amok's eyes widened, focusing on the candy. As Lion-O threw it, he grunted, and ran after the candy, knocking Luna off balance. She held his saddle screeching "woooaaahhh!" and eventually fell off, TOM: [rodeo announcer] And lil' miss Luna gets no score for that ride... still screaming, while Amok chased after the candy. "Come back here you big lump of nothing!" Luna howled, furious. MIKE: *Howled*, being the operative word. TOM: Ouch! Lion-O then heard Snarfer's voice desperately cry out "HELP!" Lion-O ran over, saw Captain Cracker chasing Snarfer with his sword drawn, and picked up a rock. He threw the rock at Cracker and broke his sword. CROW: When Paper, Rock, Scissors is played for *real*... "Why, he broke my cutlass!" Cracker shouted. Snarfer ran over to Lion-O. "Lion-O! He was trying to slice me up!" Snafer whined. MIKE: [Snarfer] So, can you smack him around for a second while drowning us with smarm? Cracker gave an "innocent" look to Lion-O. "He he, no, the lad's got andered aloud. TOM: Ehhh? CROW: Time hiccup! The sword smashed the palm tree blades, and sliced the trunk apart into small sections. MIKE: The Sword of Omens has come to save the day!!! TOM: A *palm tree* on a soilless, waterless, asteriod not near any stars? Gahhh...[shakes violently] CROW: He's gonna blow!! HIT THE DECK!! TOM: Logic...chip...overloading...[head explodes with a shower of sparks] MIKE: Tom, we've gotta install new inertia dampers too!! CROW: I dunno, this is making *my* head hurt, too!! MIKE: Don't think about it too much. Pretend you had a lobotomy. "Hot stuff!" Snarfer exclaimed. "It's slicing that old tin tree up like a banana!" The tree then exploded, and the sword flew into Lion-O's hand. CROW: A gasoline-powered tree. Hunh. Lion-O held up the sword. "There is no way I can lay the Sword of Omens aside. It's a part of me." MIKE: Wow...that could have Freudian overtones... "Hey Lion-O, look!" Snarfer shouted, pointing to where Captain Cracker had climbed the ladder to the door of the space tanker and shoved it off with his foot, making him inaccessible. He opened the door to the ship, preparing to lock himself in. "I'm stayin' here until we reach the galaxy, and nothin's gettin' me out!" Cracker yelled, and climbed inside. CROW: 3...2...1...and smarm... "Cracker, you fool!" Lion-O shouted. "That ship is full of slam gas! It will blow sky high as soon as it reaches our atmosphere!" CROW: Hey, wait!! If they're breathing on this asteroid, deosn't *that* atmosphere have the same elements as Third Earth's? The slam gas should blow up *here*, too! MIKE: Don't think about it. That way lies madness. "Says you!" Cracker shot back, and locked himself in the ship. MIKE: You know, why don't they just *change course*? Just adjust the angle... Snarfer turned to Lion-O. "Is it true about the gas?" he asked nervously. Lion-O nodded. "We've got only minutes to shut those engines down and stop the forward motion of this little planet." CROW: [Lion-O] Too bad it's not a '79 Toyota. "How can we possibly do that?" Snarfer asked. "There's a little thing that will stop an engine quicker than anything." "What?" MIKE: Turning off the ignition switch? "Dirt." Lion-O replied, and ran towards the hose that led to the ash in the volcano. He picked up the end and handed it to Snarfer. "Take this and stand under those engines, pointing up." Snarfer took the tube and he held it up under the engines. CROW: Ummm...isn't there already ash in the air? I mean, they covered the whole planet last time... MIKE: Stop. You'll hurt yourself. "Ready!" Snarfer shouted. Lion-O stepped onto the bellows platform and pumped one of the handles. "Got to pump.. it... up!" MIKE & CROW; [singing] Pump the jam...pump it up... he grunted, pushing with all his might. CROW: [Lion-O] Man!! Good thing I had my PowerBar this morning! MIKE: Stump Hugelarge! CROW: Flank McBrickgroin!! MIKE: Pec Steelback! "Here she comes!" Snarfer shouted as the ask poured out of the tube, making the area fog up and dumping the dirt into the engines. "It's... it's working Lion-O!" he called over. "The engines are breaking down!" The engines sputtered and died out. "We did it!" Snarfer cheered. CROW: Man! You sure have to use a lot of verbs with Snarfer! MIKE: Well, he's an active fellow. Cracker opened the door and emerged. "Shiver my timbers, we're dead in the water." he said dejectedly. The Thunderstrike flew over. CROW: Man!! They sure got there fast!! "Thundercats, awk! Thundercats, boink!" the robotic bird Polly said to Cracker. CROW: Well, they'll boink after the show. MIKE: Crow... Panthro and the Thunderkittens looked down from the Thunderstrike. "Well it doesn't look like you need any help from us." Panthro said to Lion-O with a smile. MIKE: So, next time, *I* get to provide the exposition! Lion-O looked up. "Thanks to the Sword of Omens!" He held up the sword and light glittered off of it. MIKE: Excalibur!! *** Back at Cat's Lair, the Thundercats had gathered and were discussing the events that had just occured. "Well Exile Isle is safely back in orbit, and the lunatacs and Captain Cracker are settled in for eternity." Lion-O informed everyone. CROW: [Lion-O] Well, I could have told you on the way back, but we had to provide some more exposition. "Boy, eternity's a long time." WilyKat remarked. "I wonder if they'll try to escape." MIKE: [dumb voice] Daaaahhh...sure they will, Wilykat!! "No chance WilyKat." Panthro replied with a laugh. "They're out of our way for good." CROW: And cue famous last words... *** Captain Cracker, with Polly on his shoulder, stood patching up his mechanical palm tree outside his shack on Exile Isle. "Aha Polly, that's more like it!" he said proudly, and adjusted a loose screw on his arm. MIKE: He should probably adjust that loose screw in his head, too. CROW: And stop drinking so much coffee. "With those scurvy lunatacs around, we'd best be prepared for treachery." CROW: Well, what goes around, comes around! "Awk, scurvy lovers, boink! Scurvy lovers!" MIKE: Well, I wouldn't love scurvy. That would really suck. CROW: Pussy lover... MIKE: Stop. Suddenly Cracker and Polly hear Luna's voice coming from the shack. "5-4-3-2-1-ignition!" Luna shouted. The shack, now converted into a spaceship, fired up and took off towards space. "Liftoff! We have liftoff!" CROW: Hey!! There's *open windows* in there!!! They're BREATHING IN SPACE?!!! MIKE: Crow!!! Calm down!! CROW: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!! [starts yelling gibberish before collapsing into his seat] MIKE: Oh, great. I'm all alone now. Cracker looked up in astonishment. "Shiver me timbers, Polly, those mutinous lunatacs are jumpin' ship!" MIKE: [Cracker] Er..um...planetoid! "Mutineers, mutineers, erp, clap 'em in irons, boink, clap 'em in irons." the parrot added. MIKE: [Polly] Do naughty things to them, awk... From the shack/spaceship's window, Luna waved, with Chilla and RedEye looking on in the background. "So long, Cracker!" Luna called down. "It's good bye Exile Isle, and hello Third Earth! The Thundercats haven't seen the last of us, nyeahahahahahahaaa!" Luna shouted, laughing maniacally. MIKE: Well, hopefully they've *heard* the last of you. [shudder] [MIKE slings CROW over his shoulder, and picks up TOM, exiting the theater.] The End [*,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL-Bridge] [MIKE is repairing the BOTS with GYPSY's help. The BOTS are laying on the desk.] MIKE: Gypsy, could you hand me that #5 screwdriver? GYPSY: Sure, Mike. [drops screwdriver from her mouth]. MIKE: Well, a new set of inertia dampers ought to prevent you from exploding again...and I put in a couple new logic tolerance chips. [CROW awakens] CROW: Hey, Mike...thanks. Boy, you know, even though that episode was bad, it's probably the best thing we'll see up here! [TOM awakens] TOM: Yeah, you're right, Crow. We'd better rejoice until the next disaster comes around. MIKE: Allright...well, I'm outta here. Have fun, guys! CROW: Yeah, we will, ya...PUSSY LOVER!!! TOM: HAHAHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAH!!! [The BOTS start laughing maniacally, and begin crashing into each other. Some of their parts fall off, until they crash together and fall back down on the desk.] MIKE: Oh, drat. [fade to credits, TOM and CROW can be heard giggling and yelling "Pussy Lover" over the music] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS original TV show episode written by WILLIAM OVERGARD episode transcripted by TRACY BUTLER Mystery Science Theater 3000 is ©1997, 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. ThunderCats is a property of Rankin-Bass Productions. No infringement is intended or implied. Keep circulating the fics 17 February 1998 > "Come back here ya pussy lover!" Cracker shouted, waving his sword and > running after him.