[Don't Forget to Log In] Read Message Dictionary RELATED: In-Box Thesaurus Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 17:33:53 -0800 (PST) From: Ben-San Arizona Save Address Block Sender Subject: Twisted Path Ep. 1 To: shinji_70@hotmail.com Reply Reply All Forward Delete Previous Next Close I'm finally tackling something big.. and I do mean BIG. Multiple megabytes' worth of big. This is one of the Big Daddies of self-inclusion fanfic. In addition, I have made an effort to make this MSTing beginner-accessible. I don't really like how many recent MSTings are filled with or even rely on references to other MSTings, to the point where I suspect a beginner may have problems. This MSTing has few or no references to other MSTings and fanfics, and many references to anime, MST3K, and pop culture in general.. in this episode, anyhow. Now.. on with the show! --Ben-San Arizona On the SOL, verything was festooned with crepe paper, and Joel and the bots were truly getting down. Amid the shouts of glee and funky party music, Joel grabbed up a piece of cake. "FOOD FIGHT!" he declared, launching his cake at Tom. "Hey, no fair!" cried Tom. "What'm I supposed to do, bump into the cake and hope it lands on your foot?" Meanwhile, the light flashed.. "What's taking them so long, Frank?" asked Dr. Forrester. "They're gonna suffer for this!" A plan began to hatch, and he grinned. Back on the SOL, Tom drew everyone's attention to the flashing light. "Hey guys, Akane and P-chan are calling!" Joel paused in his effort to cover Tom with cake, and hit the receive button. "Finally!" said Dr. Forrester. "You had me.. worried, Joel." "Sure, Doc. If you say so." "No, really! I honestly thought you might have.. wandered off somewhere! At any rate, let's get exchanging, shall we?" Joel shrugged. "Crow, grab the invention, willya?" He turned to the camera. "Our invention is for fanfic authors who find that they've written their favorite characters into corners they can't get out of." Crow entered, carrying a big yellow box with a Remington typewriter, a big lever, and a whole bunch of dials and knobs attached. "We call it the DEUS-X machine. For example, let's say that you have a boomer with only one tiny weak spot, and Nene is the only one left standing. Let's see.." He began adjusting some dials. "We set paradigm to sf, situation to 'target practice', shooter rating to 'lame', and target to 'machine', and.." The machine began to make odd sound effects. After a while, a sheet of paper came out of the typewriter. "We have the ghost of Nene's dead mentor tell her not to rely on her computers and to trust in the Force." Joel blinked. "Huh?" Dr. Forrester began to laugh. "Well, Joel, it looks like you have some bugs. Speaking of which, Frank..?" Frank walked to the camera. "Don't you hate it when bugs get into your hard- written program? Boy, I sure do. Especially those moths! When a moth gets into your code, it's bye-bye program." Dr. Forrester spoke up. "Uh.. right, Frank. That's why I've invented a new language that deals with bugs by incorporating them into the programs. Infinite loops and logic errors are fundamental to its operation. What's more, once this language's compiler has been installed on your computer, it erases all the others, and nothing written in it can be erased or edited! It's sheer genius! I call it Bug-ROM." "Now, as to the experiment.. I've decided that since you kept me waiting, something special is in order. Your experiment this week is 'Twisted Path', the fanfic equivalent of 'Die Nibelungenlied' in that it's long, boring, concerns the clash of godlike powers, and has nothing to do with 'Ranma 1/2'. Send 'em the fanfic, Frank." "Consider the hot irons applied, sir," Frank said, sending up the fic. "AAHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" (G,6,5,4,3,2,1) Tom: It's.. > Twisted Path Crow: And that's not all.. > A Story Inspired by Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma 1/2 Tom: In the same sense that DUNE was "based on" the book by Herbert, maybe.. > by Darren Steffler Tom: If you see this man, report him immediately. > >Prologue >-------- > > The Void between universes is not quite the empty nothingness it is >believed to be. Tom: Not much of a void, then, is it? > Forces beyond most beings contend here for supremacy >over the others. Some are mindless, Joel: Like this fic? > some are not, and some are not even >able to be described on those terms. Crow: Ah, yes. The old "indescribable evil/might/force/beauty/etc." trick. > Powers from some planes spill out here and are tapped by other >universes. Crow: WOOHOO! Kegger! > The reality-warping forces changing the "normal" ways of those >places. Joel: What about 'em? > Natural or not, in whichever universe, the power behind the throne >is located here. > Two such forces, well known to mankind, can be found in the Void. Tom: Ignorance and apathy? Joel: Abbot and Costello? Crow: Lingam and Yoni?.. Hey! You let me say it! Joel: Only because it was in another language, Crow. Don't push your luck. > The >spillage from their planes can be found relatively nearby each other All: Eeew. >and travellers going from universe to universe witness their mighty >clash. For these forces, siblings of a sort if you will, are both attracted >and repelled by the other. Crow: Sure sounds like most siblings to me! > They collide in an area where they meet and separate, for natural >laws are absent in one yet entrenched in the other. Joel: Oh. Well, that makes perfect- huh? > The energies stay in that >spot before going to other universes where they are tapped or dissipated. >Many beings have tried to control this spot when they discovered it, but in >vain. Tom: o/~ You're so vain.. > When either of the forces can control the controllers it becomes >a hopeless task. Experienced races mearly leave this spot alone, knowing >what it is and gaze in awe over the power involved. > No one has ever actually tried to enter this area. Crow: So how did they try to control it? > The powerful >energies there are random and capricious. Only the insane would attempt such a >feat. > Or perhaps...someone with no choice at all.... All: o/~ Dah-dah-DAAHHH.. > > >Chapter One >----------- Crow: Oh, I get it! It's an addition problem! Two linefeeds plus Chapter 1 equals a bad fic! > > Through the open shutters of a blind, dawn's light shines forth and >strikes an immobile figure on a bed. Tom: AIEE!! Daylight! All: (make hissing and burning noises) > The figure's head is turned to the side, >not yet aware of the fact that a new day has arrived and likely not overly >concerned about that fact. The digital clock opposite to the face shines a >bright red 10:00am Joel: As opposed to a light blue 3:00pm or a pale green midnight. > and declares it Sunday, The Day to Sleep In. Crow: The clock's word is holy. Obey the clock. > The room in which the bed occupies is in slight disarray as various >objects litter the floor. These objects consist of dirty clothes, comic books, >sci-fi/fantasy paperbacks, and a few large, university level textbooks that >look like whales swimming in an ocean of debris. Tom: Well, that's a mighty odd shape for a textbook. > Muffled noises can be heard on the other side of the mostly closed >door that separates this literary landslide Crow: That's a pretty good description of this fic, actually. > from the rest of the apartment >the room is connected to. A quiet but hurried departure can be deciphered >from the sounds that continue to penetrate the small crack of space that >the door allows. The abrupt cessation of noise heralds the fact that the >person responsible has left the domicile. > Silence. Joel: Of the Lambs. > What bright sunlight and mere sound failed to do is successfully >accomplished by vacuum. Tom: Hey, neat! He's explosively decompressing the main character! > Slowly, the eyes on the face open. Joel: Crreeeaaak... > And shut. Joel: WHAM! > Open. > Close. Crow: Wax on, wax off. > After several minutes, the head emits an audible sigh and keeps >its eyes open when it attempts again. Crow: He keeps talking about the head doing this and that. Is a body involved here anywhere? > Eyes register the time on the clock >and ponder this new datum for a second. Tom: His eyes are independantly sentient? Cool. > *Well, looks like Mom's gone to her meeting.* Thinks the person on the >bed. *Sigh. Better get up now or I'll fall asleep again and not get up >'till 2pm.* > The person slowly takes off the rest of the comforter that covers >him, All: o/~(striptease trumpets) > the rest having been flung away during the tossing and turning of sleep. > A young, normal-looking, Western man is fully revealed by this action. All: GYAH! Joel: We didn't _really_ want to see that! >Brown hair and hazel eyes placed on an average-looking face. Tom: Doesn't the face's owner mind having hair and eyes placed on it? > The rest of the >body, also of an average height, suggests that he doesn't really do much in >the way of exercise but is still within a recommended weight range for his >size. Crow: Is it just me or are we receiving early-warning signs? Joel: WARNING: Rampant self-inclusion ahead! > Both feet are lifted up and moved off the bed, then push down hard >so the upper body comes up as nature intended. Tom: Okay, now. Readers, I want you to try a little experiment. Lie down on a bed, put your feet on the floor, and push. You will not stand up, but rather flip over backwards, launching yourself off the bed and, depending on where in the room you sleep, possibly out the window of the twelfth story, causing you to plummet to the ground, receiving multiple bone fractures. > Pause. Joel: Tom? Who were you just talking to? Tom: I dunno. > *Hmp. Better get your butt in gear or you'll never wake up Darren.* Crow: Y'know, if this is supposed to be Jeannie, she's really gone downhill. > Another sigh and the person known as Darren Steffler All: (Security breach sounds. Y'know, "whoop-whoop" and "a-ooga" and barking dogs.) Tom: And we have achieved self-inclusion! > stands up off >his bed and picks his way carefully through the rare clear spots on the floor. > *I think it's past time for another clean-up,* thinks Darren. *When >over half the floor is covered I KNOW it's overdue.* Crow: With a philosophy like that, how can you go wrong? Tom: Easy. This fanfic is a virtual textbook in that department. Joel: Oh, I dunno. Frankly, it's not that bad. Tom: Joel. We have a maelstrom of titanic forces. We have the author as protagonist. Is there any way he's _not_ going to get earthshaking powers? > Reaching the door, the young man known as Darren widens the crack Crow: We did NOT need that image, thank you. >that allowed the noise of his mother departing to accommodate his passage >out of the messy room. Tom: So the sound made by his mother is letting him leave? > Once in the hallway, he makes a left turn in the >direction of the kitchen Joel: Was that really necessary? Tom: What do you mean? Joel: Well, assuming that the kitchen is to his left, any left turn would be towards the kitchen. If it isn't, then that sentence is just plain wrong. Crow: Don't take it too seriously, Joel. > and places his body on auto-drive. > *The joys of early morning,* mused Darren. *With the ever popular >choice of factory-made, frozen waffles or factory-made, sugar frosted >cereal flakes. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. Tom: Geez, this guy even THINKS obnoxiously! > I think tomorrow morning I'll >dig up a cookbook and make some pancake batter from scratch for a change. >Maybe slice some apples and plop them in with some cinnamon.... Haven't >done that for a while. Joel: Tonight the part of Darren will be played by Martha Stewart. > Hullo. Body has reached target. Commence mission.* > Darren grasps his goal. Crow: Hey! We did _not_ need to see that! > The freezer door. Crow: Oh. > With a sucking of Crow: SAay.. > opening >insulation sealer, Crow: Make up your mind! Are you going to make breakfast an erotic experience or not? Joel: (edges away) Uh.. are you feeling okay, Crow? Crow: Never better. Why? > the door opens and the form of a package of blueberry >waffles is revealed. The box is grabbed by Darren and the door closed again, >more out of habit than desire to keep the cold air in. Tom: The door was jaded in its duties, and performed them only as routines. > *Well, Phase One accomplished. On for the rest of breakfast...* > > > One hour later, and 200% more awake, Crow: Blueberry waffles and Jolt! Yee-hah! > Darren is at "his" computer. Joel: Did he steal it or something? > *Mom may lease the thing, but I'm the one who uses it a heck of a lot >more,* Darren thought with amusement, *Better me than her. At least she knows >not to muck around too much with it* Tom: My precious, it is. Mine! > The "thing" in question was a 486 IBM compatible computer running >at 25 Mhz with 4 megabytes RAM. And a lousy 100 megabyte hard drive. Crow: The fanfic has now officially dated itself! Tom: For those of you not "in the know" about pre-Pentium computers, the machine described is about equal to either a TI-96 calculator or a Pentium that has been filled to brimming with lowfat milk. Joel: Tom, who are you talking to? Tom: I told you, I don't know! > *Hm. Does well for what I do now. Joel: Long division, multiplication of 7-digit numbers.. works great! > Not that I'm suddenly going >to try and crack the secrets of the universe. Great for current games >though. All: (attempt to contain laughter) > Heh.* > Typing on said computer, Darren focused again on the problem at hand. >The program he was working on was for his mother but a few problems seemed to >be cropping up in the program. Crow: Rye and millet, mainly, along with some bulghur. > Programming in Turbo C is not too bad, except >for one...well _two_, minor problems Darren always had. Tom: (narrator voice) Darren has.. a problem. > "AGGGHHHH!!! Damn pointers!" Joel: Begone, foul demons! Back to the source code from whence you came! > shouted Darren, "Shoot! I always do this >to myself. Crow: Heh. What's he doing to his pointer? Joel: Crow! That wasn't even funny! > I never plan ahead and just go straight into programming the >bloody thing." Darren sighed."Another thing is that I never can concentrate >on this for long," he sighed again, "I work on it for a day then leave it >alone for a week! And in the _meantime_...I goof off! Crow: By writing bad fanfic, for instance? > I know it's summer but I >_would_ like to _finish_ this darn thing!" Tom: Amen to that. > Darren took his hands off the keyboard, Crow: RRIP! > propped his head up with >them, and started staring at the screen. "I've finished third year Computer >Science and I still don't know what to do for a career... Joel: I'd say that programming sounds like a good place to start.. > At least once I get this thing >done this program I can honestly say I'm a computer programmer. Crow: (mobster voice) I'm gonna _get_ this thing what done this program.. > Assignments >for homework don't count in MY mind. I want to do something by myself..." Tom: I want.. to SING! > Darren stared at the screen for a few more seconds before giving up >in disgust. Crow: Yeah! He gave up on the fic! (starts to get up) Joel: Sit down. He only gave up on the program. All: (sigh sadly) > "Sigh. Crow: Um.. that "all" wasn't supposed to include you.. > Well, I guess I'll goof off again..." > > Wandering back to his room, Darren picked up a thick graphic novel >from the litter of material on the floor and jumped onto his bed to read >it. Crow: Fujisawa.. LEAP! > *Now here's one of the main reasons I've been "goofing off",* mused >Darren. *I sure have gotten hooked on this anime stuff this summer. Never >looked at it much before...but then, I _like_ science fiction and fantasy. Tom: Ah. Anime Misconception Number 1: Anime is all sf and fantasy. Actually, there's a whole wide world of non-fantastic anime out there. Such classics as "Maison Ikkoku", "One Pound Gospel", and "Here is Greenwood" all provide an escapist but still almost-plausible view of the world. This has been a public service announcement. Joel: Tom, I'm really starting to worry now. Tom: Yeah, me too. > Once >I actually started reading it, it got me.* Crow: With a nasty blow to the kidneys! > The volume referred to was one of the volumes created from the manga >series, Ranma 1/2. Covering the graphic novel was a yellow jacket with the >two forms of Ranma on the front. Crow: Volume Two: Enter Kodachi and P-chan! Cool. Tom: Fanboy. Crow: Gotta have a hobby. > Flipping through the pages to a spot he left before, Darren continued >his thinking. Joel: When did he start? > *This is the best of the manga series I've seen yet. Tom: He hasn't read much, has he? > Too bad >I haven't got all of the english-language version releases yet but at least >I'm working on it. All the anime releases are good too... All: (attempt to contain their laughter) > The characters >sure can be amusing at times, especially when Ranma's "problem" complicates >matters and also when he tries to stop Happosei's lecherous behavior from >getting him into more trouble......* Crow: Yep. That would seem to be a good summary of two of the five plots in Ranma 1/2. Tom: The others being? Crow: Well, the Happousai thing falls into the category of "character gags": others include Kunou acting like an idiot and Nabiki grubbing money. The others are: A new love interest appears, including those for other characters (Touma, for instance, qualifies, as do characters who have already appeared); a new rival appears (including, again, existing characters who were not previously rivals); and a new weapon is found in an old conflict, later to be counterbalanced somehow. Tom: Don't you have anything better to do? Crow: Not really. Also, if he only has up to volume 2, how is he familiar with Happousai? Joel: Enough, Crow. > >Chapter Two >----------- All: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!! Crow: Once again, we drag out a tired old joke. Joel: Yeah, but it's _fun_! > > > > "He he he! Panties! Ah, my sweet darlings!" Tom: Um, Darren? You're enjoying those panty shots a _little_ too much there. > "Happosei!!! Come back here you LECH!!!" Crow: Darren? Have you taken your pills? > Pedestrians walking along the street were startled this morning by >two unusual sights though a few recognized the two from previous scenes >like this. Joel: What, crazed lunatic fanfic authors screaming at their graphic novels happens a lot around here? > One was withered, ancient, and very small man was hopping swiftly >down the street with a sack larger than himself on his back. Crow: Wow! Darren got so caught up in Ranma 1/2 that he kept reading it for 300 years! > The sack had one >or two female undergarments streaming out from the stuffed container. Chasing >the old man was a handsome young man with black hair tied in a pig-tail in the >back. Tom: And he split in two! Joel: Actually, guys, I think we just had a scene change. Bots: Aww.. > The young man, wearing Chinese clothing, had a fustrated look on his >face. > *Damn him!* Ranma thought while running after the bouncing Master >of the Anything-Goes Martial Arts school. Crow: Y'know, that description could apply to Genma, too.. at least in panda form. > The figure ahead of him may be >small but the amount of trouble he stirred up went all out of preportion >to his size. *Pop shoulda put weights on his legs and thrown him into the >deepest part of the ocean! At least he wouldn't have gotten free and merely >irritated the fish!* Tom: (Ranma) It really annoyed me when he did that! Joel: Since Happousai survived every other deathtrap, what makes him think that one would've worked? Tom: You're thinking of Happousai. This is his brother Happosei. > "Will you STOP! Akane will have a fit if she finds out you've emptied >her dresser drawers when she gets back from Dr. Tofu's with Kasumi! Tom: Let's not even _try_ to untangle the tenses on that one. > I DON'T >want her to jump to the wrong conclusion (as par course) Crow: Asparcourse? Isn't that an artificial sweetener? > and blame ME!" > "Ha ha ha! You'll have to catch me first!" As he said so, Happosei >turned left down another street as pedestrians stared at the funny, little man >with the big sack on his back. Joel: Allowing Happousai to escape while they were distracted. > Panting with the effort, Ranma followed. *Dammit! This is getting me >nowhere! Where would that old lecher _go_ around this part of town? Hmm... >That's IT! Tom: Husserl really WAS deluded! > The women's langerie shop! Joel: Wouldn't the lingerie shop be more likely? Crow: Or the local pink salon? Tom: Do you _really_ want to see that? Crow: (shudders) Good point. > Four blocks from here. I'll take a short >cut and wait for him there.* With that thought in mind, a leap carried him onto >the roof of the nearest building and started hurriedly towards the langerie >shop in a straight line. Tom: Although the leap made good time, Ranma was quickly left behind. > *Once I get there, what then? I can't go head-on at >the old fart. No time. Old he may be, but no one has told HIM that. Akane won't >be long at Tofu's Crow: Tofu, on the other hand.. Joel: (starts to speak, realises that Crow didn't _actually_ say anything) Crow: (seeing Joel's discomfiture) Heehee! > so I gotta be quick...* > > Five minutes later, Happosei glanced behind him. "Hmm. I must've >lost Ranma. Tom: Well, think back! Where did you leave him? > Probably couldn't keep up. Ah, this younger generation has no >stamina at all. What a pity." Slowing a bit, Happosei made a final turn Tom: o/~ To everything, turn, turn.. >and saw his goal. The women's langerie shop appeared like a sacred shrine >to pantydom in his eyes. Like a magnet, he is drawn Crow: Of course he is, he's a manga character! > to the entrance of >the store. "Ah, my precious sweethearts! Soon you will be liberated from >your confinement and be with me! This shouldn't take more than a few >seconds. Hang on my darlings!" With a bounce, Happosei swiftly leaped into the >shop. Tom: Right through the window. Ouch! > Right into the horde of angry women waiting for him. All: o/~ Wah-wah-wah-waaaahhh.. > "HENTAI!!!" They all shouted at him as they attacked. > After five minutes of beating, clawing, broom-swinging punishment, >there wasn't much of Happosei recognizable in the bloody blob of flesh that >was left on the floor. Joel: Shouldn't he just be unconscious with little swirlies in his eyes? > One of the women took a dustpan, swept Happosei onto >it, and threw him out the door, crying, "AND DON'T COME BACK!" Crow: How'll he come back? You broke his spine in twelve places! Tom: Nah, he'll be just fine in the next scene. > Groaning on the street, Happosei tried to gather his scattered wits >about him. Tom: See? Crow: Yeah, yeah. > "They..were..waiting. How..did..they..know..I..was..coming?" Joel: Okay guys, I call no Shatner jokes. Bots: Aww.. > From inside the store he could hear voices. > "Thanks for letting us know that that hentai was coming." > A familiar feminine voice replied amusedly, "No problem. Tom: (Feminine Voice) I love seeing petty thieves being beaten to within an inch of their worthless little lives! > Oh, I'll >take these back to where they belong." A female outline appeared in the >doorway carring Happosei's beloved bag of bounty. Joel: Panties are to protect a girl's modesty! Using them for perverted purposes is unacceptable! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!! Bots: (edge away) Crow: Umm.. Joel? Tom: Are you all right? Joel: Yeah, sure. Why? > "Well, thanks again! Good-bye! Come on girls, back to work!" Tom: Back to the Bat-Cave, Robin! > The girl holding the sack waved good-bye and stepped out into >Happosei's red-eyed sight. Crow: And the psychotic panty vigilante is.. > Ranma-chan looked at the sorry mess on the street. "Well, well, >you old fart. Guess you got what was coming to you." She smirked. Joel: You deserved your whuppin'! > "RANMA! I'LL...NOT...FORGIVE...THIS..." > "If you only knew how sorry I feel... Tom: If only you knew how sorry you _are_.. > NOT! Well, I gotta go replace >these unmentionables in Akane's room before she gets back. So..." Crow: But you just mentioned them! > Waving good-bye, Ranma-chan hurried off with Happosei's sack and was >soon out of sight. > Red faced with rage, Happosei tried to get up. After several tries >he finally stood, although unsteadily, erect. All: GAH! Crow: Steffler really has a knack for unwanted images, doesn't he? > Staring in the direction >where Ranma-chan was last seen before turning out of sight, he ground out, >"Ranma...I...will...have...my...REVENGE!!!" Tom: Oh, I love that blend! > With that last word, Happosei >swung out a hand and struck a nearby tree. > This tree had been standing for over 40 years on this street. Many >children had played in it's branches when it had become strong enough to >support their weight. Fierce storms and even an out-of-control car could >not defeat this tree's stoic determination Joel: All at once? Jeez.. > It split in half. > Both halves fell over. Tom: Aaah! *splat* > Ranma was in deeeeeeeeep trouble. Crooooooooow: Oh, really? Tooooooooom: Of course! The tree fell on him! Joel: Cut it out, you two. > > Twenty minutes later, Ranma-chan reached the entrance to the Tendo >home. > *I hope Akane hasn't come home yet. I'd better hurry up and change >back and then replace her...um...stuff.* Crow: Stuff? Hmm.. Joel: Won't work, Crow. It really _is_ her panties. Crow: Dang. > With Happosei's sack hanging behind her, Ranma-chan quickly entered >the residence she now considered home Tom: Having gone straight past the Tendou dojo. > and headed towards the bathroom. Joel: Wait. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to drop the stuff off first, to minimize the chances of Akane seeing and clobbering him? Crow: But isn't the clobbering the whole point of this scene? > Pop >and Mr. Tendo were likely playing Go in their usual spot. A glance >at the empty kitchen told her Kasumi and, thankfully, Akane were not yet >home. Tom: Since, as we all know, Kasumi and Akane never leave the kitchen. > That left Nabiki. Tom: Never to return. > "Well hello there, Ranma," a cheerful, yet slightly sarcastic voice, >called out. Joel: Urd? Crow: Priss? Tom: Queen Deva? > "Run into a little problem? Crow: No thanks. > That wouldn't be Happosei's sack, now >would it?" As she walked towards Ranma-chan, Nabiki's small smile widened >further at Ranma-chan's discomfort. > "Nabiki....," Ranma-chan growled slightly. > "Now don't tell me.... Happosei lent his prize pupil his favorite... >ahem...storage sack to practice some new routine as training?" Joel: Okay. We won't. > Nabiki's >right eyebrow arched up at the word "training". Tom: Fwing! Right through the roof! > Ranma sighed, she would find out sooner or later anyway. Crow: Shouldn't Ranma already know? > Nabiki >always somehow managed to worm out the truth, and blackmail you later, >eventually. Joel: Y'know, that's a pet peeve of mine. Tom: Being blackmailed? Me too. It's not that rare a peeve. Joel: No, the assumption that Nabiki is a blackmailer. Sure, she sells pictures of her sister for huge profit and takes bets on fights, but she doesn't do much profiteering beyond that in the series. It's only in fanfic that she becomes a blackmailer, thief, smuggler, and Lord only knows what else. Crow: So you don't mind being blackmailed? Cool. > "Alright. I saw Happosei sneak into Akane's room 'bout a hour ago. When >I followed he had managed to snatch all of her...ah...stuff. Crow: Her baseball cards, her Digi-pet.. it was tragic. > I told >him to put it all back but he just jumped out the window so I chased after >him. I had to change into a female to get all the girls in a langerie >store to ambush him so I could get Akane's stuff back in time." Tom: That's a mighty big sentence you've got. Do you know how to use it or is it just for show? > Ranma-chan >smiled at the memory, "Got him good too." > "Hmm... Well, you'd better hurry up and put it all back quick. I don't >think Akane and Kasumi will be much longer," Joel: Why would they? Have they been on the rack? > Nabiki started to walk away >and then turned her head back. "After all...she might get the idea you wanted >to borrow her things for a while," Nabiki chuckled at Ranma-chan's reaction >to her comment and left. Crow: He's so cute when he explodes! > Ranma-chan fumed, All: *cough* *hack* *wheeze* > "I shouldn't have expected anything different >from HER." > > After some hot tap water, Ranma quickly went to Akane's room to >replace her things in hopefully their proper places. Tom: These on the lamp.. Those stapled to the ceiling.. And these on top of my head! She'll never know the difference. > "Maybe I should just leave the sack and let Akane sort it all out," Crow: (gravelly voice) Kill 'em all and let God sort it out. >Ranma thought about it a bit then shook his head. "Then she'd ask why >I let Happosei take her stuff in the first place. Stupid tomboy." Joel: (Ranma) Geez.. Throwing a hypothetical temper tantrum like that, just 'cause I was going through her undies.. > With that >in mind, Ranma started to re-fill Akane's drawers with their rightful >occupants. Crow: He's filling her drawers with her drawers! > Unfortunately, Nabiki was in another part of the house when Akane >and Kasumi returned and was unable to delay Akane. > Akane was feeling a little depressed after seeing Dr. Tofu in his usual >state after talking to Kasumi. Akane had thought she was over him but she felt >down even so. Crow: And what exactly DID she feel down? Joel: Crow.. > *It will take some time before I am completely over him I guess,* >Akane mentally sighed, *I'll go change into something a little more comfortable. >Maybe that will cheer me up a bit.* > When Akane entered her room, the sight that greeted her drove >all thoughts of Dr. Tofu from her mind all right. Tom: Get out! Get out! > Ranma was there, frozen >in mid-motion with one of Akane's bras in his right hand. Tom: Aiee! It is the cursed paralytic bra! > The left was >holding open a sack filled with similar items. Joel: So why does he have a sack full of hands? > Needless to say, Akane was not impressed. Crow: (Akane) You're putting them in the wrong drawers. > > "Kasumi! When did you get back?" Nabiki asked. Joel: Oh man! Hide the bottle! > "Just a minute ago, why?" > Suddenly, sounds from upstairs boomed down. > "RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Crash! Bang! Tom: Crash? Bang? I thought they were booming! > "AKANE! WAIT!" > Nabiki smirked. > "Oh, no reason." Joel: I love breaking deals! > >Chapter Three >------------- Tom: A bottle of wine, a loaf of bread, and three. > > As Nabiki listened to one of her favorite songs in her room, she could >hear Ranma and Akane still shouting at each other. Joel: Tastes great! Bots: Less filling! > Even muffled by wood and >song. > *Don't those two know how to have a QUIET argument?* > Lying down on her yen-symbol covered sheets on her bed, Tom: On the carpet. Crow: On the floor. Joel: In the house that Soun built. > Nabiki >contemplated the two 'lovebirds'. *One of these days, either Ranma or Akane >will stop arguing with the other and be in for a big surprise...* Crow: (Nabiki) If only they knew about the bomb! > Although they weren't exactly fond of each other at the beginning, >Nabiki could tell that over time, SOMETHING had grown between her sister >and her betrothed. Crow: Say.. Joel: Crow! Crow: She said it, not me! Tom: Hey, guys. When something grows between a couple, doesn't it usually mean they're coming apart? Crow: Usually. Joel: Yeah. Crow: Although some couples will still occasionally both be coming together. Joel: (pauses to think) CROW! Crow: Hee hee! > *They would probably die if they ever told each other >their true feelings about the other. Both too stubborn to be the first to >do so though. Stoneheads.* Joel: Weren't they on Saturday Night Live? > Nabiki reached out, got her diary, and flipped it open. However, >instead of a girl's private life and feelings, it looked more like Tom: A wombat's private life and feelings? Joel: A day in the life of Ivan Denisovitch? Crow: A collection of pictures of- Joel: Crow, I'm not warning you again. Crow: Oh, good. And I was gonna say "Sub-Saharan Africa". > an >accounting ledger for a bookie. > *Hmm... Looks like I'm starting to get low on yen. I wonder if Kunou >has gotten tired of his current batch of photos.* Tom: You were right! It _was_ pictures of Sub-Saharan Africa! Crow: Can I call 'em or what? > Sounds of the argument brought her back to the present. > *If I EVER get a boyfriend, he'd better not be as boneheaded as Ranma. Crow: Which head? Joel: Okay. DEFINATE timeout. (Duct tapes Crow's beak shut.) Crow: Mmph! >Smiling she amended to herself, *And rich of course.* > A new sound caught Nabiki's attention, it was the low muttering voice >of an elderly man. Tom: Oi'm not quite dead yet! > *Happosei,* Nabiki guessed. *Finally managed to crawl >home I gather...* > Standing up from her bed and heading towards her door, she heard some >words in Happosei's muttering. Joel: What else would he be muttering? Numbers? Tom: Actually, I could see Nabiki doing that. > "Mumble....revenge....summon....growl....teach....Ranma..." > *Uh oh. Sounds like Ranma REALLY ticked him off this time.* > Waiting till Happosei went past her door and entered his own room, >Nabiki quietly opened her door, snuck over to Happosei's door and placed her >ear on the door. Tom: Rrrip! (ow!) splut! Joel: Huh? Tom: My impression of Nabiki putting her ear on the door. > She wondered if this would take long but Happosei's voice >caught her attention. > "Where did I put that scroll...? Scroll, scroll, bra, scroll. Joel: We have scroll, scroll, bra, and scroll; scroll, sausage, bra, and scroll.. Tom: But I don't like scroll! Crow: (freeing himself) I'll take your scroll. I love it! I'm having scroll, scroll, scroll, egg, sausage, scroll, scroll.. All: o/~Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll.. > Panty, >ah, that's where it went! Scroll, bra, scroll... Here it is! Joel: My degree from ICC! > Now according to >this, this spell will summon a demon to make life a living Hell for the >target of the summoner's ire. Perfect! Just like I remembered! This will >teach Ranma not to mess around with a Master of the Art! I'll do it >tonight near the lake outside town on that large, flat stone. Midnight >of course. Tom: (Happousai) Yeah, I'd better reveal my plan, just in case there are eavesdroppers. > Better get ready and gather my strength. Ah, my darling panty >come to...." > Nabiki left at that point. *Midnight. Hm.* She smiled. *Looks like I >won't have to go to Kunou after all....* Joel: Crow.. Crow: What? I didn't say anything! Joel: You were going to, though. > > Around 11:45pm sounds of people moving though the underbrush echoed >in the forest outside town. All: ECHO!! > "Nabiki had better be right about this or I'll..." Tom: ..whine, kvetch, and moan while not being able to do anything about it? > "Ranma! You know she wouldn't lie about something like this." > "You're right. Especially after I paid her 2000 yen." Crow: Yeah, Nabiki really established her reliability in a deal with her last job. > Whap! "Ranma!" > "Will you two be quiet! We're getting close to the lake." > Silence. Tom: Is violence. > The forms of Ranma, Akane, Genma, and Soun, appeared at the >edge of the forest. The sky was partially clouded over so the moon shone >intermittently over the lake which was beyond the edge of the forest. Joel: Attn: All Moon Clients Subj: Possible Outages We have been undergoing technical difficulties in our upgrade process. You may find that Moon service may be temporarily unavailable. We apologize for any inconvenience or tidal disasters this may cause, and remind you that this will allow us to better serve you in future. -God President and Manager, Celestial Services Bots: ... Crow: How did you _do_ that? Joel: I'm not sure. > Genma looked at the lake and then to the right, "The stone Nabiki >heard Happosei taking about must be that way," He pointed a general >direction to the right. "It's a small ways into the forest and we will be >able to see it from the edge of the lake. We should be able to hear him >soon." Genma shivered. "We had better hurry, it's almost midnight." > "Why are YOU so frightened?! I'M the one he's after!" Crow: And, of course, we all know that devils are only nasty to the people they're summoned to kill.. > Genma relaxed. "You're right. I'd forgotten." > Ranma pushed Genma into the lake. > After Genma-panda came out, with Soun restraining him from doing the >same to Ranma, the small party continued along the lakeside and soon heard >chanting. Tom: o/~ Hare rama, rama krishna, rama rama, hare hare.. Crow: Shouldn't that be "hare _Ranma_"? > Looking through the forest's trees, the party saw Happosei >cross-legged on the large, flat stone. As they quietly approached the Master >they could see a chalk circle with a pentagram in front of him. Joel: Not to nitpick or anything, but isn't it really hard to see a chalk circle on a grey horizontal surface at night without being _really_ close? Crow: Maybe he used bright red Crayola chalk. > The Place of Arrival for the soon-to-be summoned demon. > "It sounds like he's almost done. What should we do?" Mr. Tendo shifted >nervously. Crow: Hey, when did Soun become an expert on the occult? > "Well, since I'm his target....," Ranma looked around, "Any rocks >nearby?" Tom: Well, how about that large, flat one right there? > > Happosei was pleased. He'd perfectly inscribed the Place of Arrival >and was almost ready to release the spell to summon the demon. Most of it >was completed. He could feel the complicated spell that could reach beyond >this universe, waiting to do it's function. All he had left to do was to Tom: ..collect two more proofs-of-purchase from Post Toasties. >describe the demon the spell recommended, and then Ranma would pay! Crow: Geez, why not just hire a collection agency? > Raising his hands above his head, Happosei intoned, "I cast this >spell. I am Happosei. Joel: Hear me roar. > I wish to summon the demon..." BONK! The rock Ranma >threw hit it's mark: Tom: Hi. My name is Mark, and I'd like to- OWW! > Happosei's head. Happosei was sightly dazed as a result. > *No!* He could feel the spell start to go beyond his control. Joel: (goofy voice) It's kuh-RAY-zy! >He gathered his will and focused it upon the spell before it went completely. Crow: Y'know, you shouldn't leave the spell outside of the fridge. Now it's gone completely! >Happosei didn't have much time. > *Bring me a demon!* Tom: And make it snappy! > He directed that thought towards the spell and felt it respond. Joel: Hello? Do you have Prince Albert in a can? > The spell ripped through dimensional barriers and went beyond this >universe searching for it's target. Tom: Although its Seven-Eleven would do in a pinch. > One fragment of the spell split from the >main spell and flung off uncontrollably in another direction. The fragment was >incomplete without the main body of the spell. It only searched for something >that it could easily bring back to it's creator. Crow: A dead squirrel? How.. nice. Joel: It'll actually probably be the author. Crow: There's a difference? > Thusly, it searched for a >mind that was already focused on, and resonated with, its home universe... Crow: Oh. Of course. Tom: QEB. Joel: What's QEB mean? Tom: Quite Elementary Bullshit. > >Chapter Four >------------ Crow: Four on the floor. Tom: And the overused gags just keep on coming! > > Darren was feeling tired but fulfilled. Crow: So, Darren. Enjoy your.. reading? Joel: Crow! Crow: Well, I wanted to make sure he got his 16 dollars' worth! > He had gone back to his program >and, after a lot of time and effort, found the source of the pointer error. Tom: His own stupidity. >He had then proceeded to add on more of the features that he wanted in the >program. Tom: Um.. he did fix that pointer error first, right? > What his mother wanted could wait until he had more time. Joel: Since, after all, the customer is always wrong. Crow: I foresee him having a great future with Microsoft. > Say a >decade or two. Joel: A decade or two. > Sheesh. Ask someone what they wanted in a program and they >want Artificial Intelligence. Tom: Well, there's little enough of the real kind here. > He was surprised at the time when he checked his watch. Joel: Oh, man, I'm late for my ophthamologist appointment! > *Five minutes to midnight already? Wow. Time sure flies when you're >having fun.* Crow: That must be why this is taking forever. > Getting up from the computer, Darren stretched. Tom: RRRRIPP! Joel: Agh! My spleen! > He walked back to his >room and picked up that Ranma 1/2 graphic novel, again, while plopping back onto >his bed. Crow: But can he rub his tummy and pat his head at the same time? > Now dressed only in a light, white t-shirt All: Gyah! Crow: Um.. Darren.. > and shorts, Joel: Oh. Tom: Thank god. > he wasn't >overly concerned about falling asleep while reading. > *I'll just finish reading this and then catch some Z's Hm, midnight. Tom: Z's hm midnight? I love that stuff! Catch me some too! >12 o'clock and all's welllll. Heh* Crow: (dry Public Service Film voice)The first signs of inebriation are slurring of words and inappropriate laughter. > Suddenly, the room blurred briefly. Crow: (still PSF voice) The next signs are blurred vision and bad writing. > *What the...?? I must be a heck of a lot more tired than I think I >am if my vision's blurring! Joel: Or drunk. > I'd better leave off the novel and just go to >bed.* Crow: Yes! (Starts to leave) Tom: Finally. (Also starts to leave) Joel: Not so fast, you two. He meant the one he was reading. Bots: Aww.. > Darren dropped the book back amongst it's neighbours on the floor and >closed his eyes. *Weird though. That's never happened to me before and I've >done plenty of all-nighters for school. I also got a full night's sleep >last night. Ah well. Body knows best.* Crow: Was that the show they did after Father died? > With his eyes closed, Darren failed to notice that his room was >continuing to blur on and off now. With increasing rapidity. Tom: And decreasing lucidity. Crow: And increasing stupidity. > Starting to feel a little odd and thinking by now that he was coming Tom: Ahem.. Crow: Can't he tell? How dense is he? Joel: Crow.. >down with something, Darren opened his eyes. *Aggh. Maybe I'd better get some >of Mom's vitamins. Tom: Trust me, Darren. The happy pills won't help with this. > Hope I'm not getting something real baaaaaaaaAAAAHHHHH!!!!* Crow: Whoa, man, I'm turning into a sheep! > "WHAT THE HECK?!!!" > Darren viewed a whirlpool of blurred images of his room swirling around >him. The speed of the motion was visibly increasing in velocity. Joel: Translation: It sped up. > Even his >bed, a brief island of stability, was starting to blur before his eyes. > Voice shaking, Darren muttered, "W-what's g-g-going on h-here?!?" Tom: The speed of the motion is increasing in velocity and your bed is blurring before your eyes, of course. Can't you read? > He >grabbed at his alarm radio on a nearby nightstand. Instead of the firm, solid >material he expected, his fingers _flowed_ through the clock face before >Darren jerked his hand back in shock. > Then he was falling. Crow: You know, Freud says that means you're dreaming about sex. > "Oh sshhhhhooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" > Darren dropped down a kaleidoscopic tunnel and was accelerating rapidly >from what he could see in his state of panic. Images flashed past him as >he flew by. Mountains. Cities. Underwater views. Planets. Suns. Galaxies. Joel: (Cartman) Darren? Lay off the cough syrup, man. I'm worried about you. >All this, and more, went by until he was going to fast to see the images >anymore. He was almost getting used to this when suddenly he was launched >out the end of the tunnel and into...nothing. Crow: Looks like Darren was going faster than the plot. > That's what it was. An empty space. Nothing. A...Void. Joel: Nada. Zip. Nil. Naught to be seen anywhere. Crow: Did I mention the nothingness? Tom: It reads like a list of this fic's redeeming qualities! > Darren stared disbelievingly at this as he floated in the blankness. >He had read enough sci-fi and fantasy novels to guess where might be. Tom: WHAT fantasy and science fiction? The only place this thing has ever appeared is right here in this lame-o fic! Joel: Well, maybe he listened to the narration. > "The Void. Crow: I thought we'd already established that. > Oh no, I have GOT to be dreaming this. I closed my eyes >and I fell asleep. Right. Sure." He wondered abstractly how one survived >in the Void, even in a dream. Tom: Now, this is just a guess, but.. by being the author? > "By whatever brings you here of course. DUH!" > Feeling a little better after convincing himself he was dreaming, Joel: Boy, Darren's pretty gullible, isn't he? >Darren wondered what was likely to come next. He was sure his mind wouldn't >do this to him and just leave him here. Tom: That assumes a mind is present. Joel: Isn't that a little harsh this early in the fic? Crow: (nervously) Early? Joel: Yeah, we aren't even a tenth of the way through yet. (pause) All: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! > He absently noticed that the tunnel was gone. It had moved swiftly >away out of sight while he was thinking. Tom: At Darren's processing speed, the tunnel could've been going at a crawl. Joel: Look, Tom. You don't have to be this nasty this early. Save it for later, when he starts abusing the self-insertion. > That meant two things: either the >tunnel or he was still moving at a good rate. Darren was inclined to believe >the latter. Crow: No! He's in a _void_ with no points of reference, for cryin' out loud! They're just moving relative to each other! Even I know that! Tom: Not a bad science rant, but it was a little short. 4.2. > He looked around and spotted something in the distance. Joel: You just can't get away from those insurance salesmen! > It was >opposite of the direction the tunnel had vanished but he was coming up >on it very slowly. Darren decided to close his eyes and rest for a bit before >he got close to see whatever it was... Crow: Yeah, I'll just doze off before first contact.. That'll make a good impression. Tom: I'm not surprised. I dozed all _through_ "First Contact"! Joel: No, you should really take out your First Contacts before dozing off. > "Hello mortal! Having a good trip? Hmm?" All: Gyah! Crow: Well, he's tripping, at least. > Startled, Darren opened his eyes and saw the person, or rather being, >who had spoken to him. Joel: Mr. B Natural? Where did you come from? > The being must have been the object he had seen from >afar but somehow he had suddenly come up right beside it. Tom: You can inhale any time now. Crow: I think he's been inhaling for quite some time now, actually. > The being looked like a human male with a few exceptions. Crow: Like his 23-inch.. Joel: CROW!! Crow: Tail. Yes, Joel? > One was the >pointed ears and eyebrows that made him look like a Star Trek Vulcan. Crow: (Kirk) Spock, explain! Tom: (Spock) This fanfic is highly illogical, sir. > Another >was the fact that, instead of a Vulcan green tinge on the skin, _his_ had a >crimson hue. As well, the man had to be seven feet tall when standing. Joel: Such was the law of Mad King Ludwig. > For >clothing, he had on a blood-red robe that covered most of his body and >what looked like gold embroidery sewn into the garment. Crow: So he basically looks very little like a human male. > Very well done too. Joel: I actually prefer my demons medium rare. > "Uhhhh, yes. It's been a very weird ride so far. Tom: What a long, lame trip it's been. > I've never had >this sort of dream before though." Crow: (Darren) Usually I have the kind where I sneak into Akane's room and Ukyou is there too and.. Joel: Crow! > The man looked disbelieving for a second before talking again. Tom: What the hell am I doing in this fic? > With >an amused tone he said, Tom: (Satan) I've had those too. I especially like the part where Shampoo- Joel: No, Tom Servo. Just.. no. One is plenty. > "Dream? I am afraid you are mistaken mortal. This >is no dream." While saying this, Darren noticed the pointed fangs the man had >in his mouth. Joel: Okay, so Darren just told himself he wasn't dreaming? Make up your mind, man! > A little aggrieved at the man's tone, and also a little frightened that >this might not BE a dream, Crow: (Darren) You mean I really _am_ writing this thing? (pause) AAH! > Darren replied, "Then do YOU know how I got here?!" Tom: (Satan) Plot contrivance. You'll get used to it eventually. > Smiling a bit, the man said, "_Here_ is the Void. Crow: (Satan) _Here_ is the Void on drugs. > _How_ is by some >obviously botched Tom: Attempt to write a fanfic. > summoning spell Joel: Summoning spell? This makes "Choco/Mog" look worldshaking. > that has brought you and me here. Tom: (Satan) Did I mention that here is the Void? > We >are now currently travelling, by means of the spell, towards Joel: LaGuardia International Airport. Arrival will be in ten minutes. > the place in >the Void that will be the entry point to the summoner's universe. The spell >apparently wanted a demon and I was the first such it found by chance. Crow: Hey! I just had an idea! What if Darren is the demon and Satan here is just the random schmuck who was thinking about Ranma 1/2? Tom: Hmm.. I'd say that would be an intriguing and entertaining plot twist, and therefore is unlikely to happen. >Even though I am an Arch-Demon, Joel: Try the new adult evil of the Arch-Demon! > I go by the name of Malkon by the way, Tom: Malkon X? Crow: Blood is Beautiful! > and >could have resisted, I was feeling bored and decided to let it take me so I >could match wits with the bungler who cast the spell and hopefully have some >fun. Tom: Hmm.. Four lines without pausing for breath. Not bad. > That you, an obvious mortal, Crow: (Malkon) Could you try not to be so.. _obvious_? Tom: (Darren) What do you mean? Crow: (Malkon) The way you walk, for instance. Walk more.. demonically. Tom: (Darren) Isn't that awfully anthrophobic of you? Joel: That's enough, you two. You're going to get into a whole weird area if you don't stop. > got caught, means that a stray potion of >this spell of a 'Happosei' Tom: 'A' Happosei? Crow: Yeah, they come in six-packs now, like Mackies. (pause) Joel: What was that supposed to mean? Crow: I have no idea. > must have been attracted to you somehow. Tom: Well, there's a first time for everything. > Do you >have any idea, hmmm?" > After digesting this torrent of information, Crow: *urp* > Darren was confused. Tom: So what else is new? > "Arch-Demon? _Happosei_? Joel: Sounds about right to me. > Now I _know_ I must be dreaming." Tom: o/~Dre-e-e-eam.. Dream, dream, dre-eam.. > Malkon looked intrigued. "You have heard of this Happosei character? >How very strange and unusual." Crow: Try lame and unreadable. > Darren dazedly spoke, "I _hope_ it's not the Happosei I'm thinking >about. Joel: It's a Happosei with style and grace! > I was just reading a...um...picture book Tom: Of course, I only read it for the articles. > which has one of the >characters as being called 'Happosei'. Crow: No, it has a character named "Happousai"! Jeez. > He's a weird old man who is a Master >of the Anything Goes martial arts school in the story. Can't resist girl's... >ah...," Joel: Lunches. He's the meanest bully on the playground. > Looking at the Arch-Demon's interested gaze Tom: (Malkon) I wonder what balsa wood tastes like. > Darren continued, "Panties. Crow: (announcer voice) Working to provide a better tomorrow for you and me! >Or bras. Do anything to get them. Tom: (Malkon) Oh, must I? > They call him a hentai or pervert. Crow: Waitasec! If all he's seen and read are the US releases by Viz, how does he know they call him a hentai? Joel: Well, maybe he saw the subbed version. Crow: Nope. Viz's subs aren't that far along yet. > One of >his old pupils has a son called Ranma, which is the main character of the >story. Ranma always tries to stop Happosei whenever he can from stealing, >ah, unmentionables. Tom: (woman) Thanks for stopping him! Crow: (Ranma) Don't mention it. > Ranma must have really got him mad if Happosei tried to >summon a demon. If it _is_ the same Happosei, that is." Joel: Since they do come in sixpacks and all. > Malkon looked thoughtful. Tom: (Malkon) I wonder if I could swallow my nose. > "It must be. Joel: What must it be? Crow: Lame? Tom: A plot contrivance? Joel: You're both right! It's a lame plot contrivance! > I can think of no better reason >why the spell would have grabbed you otherwise. Hmm. Most useful." Tom: (Malkon) I never thought of combining a fork and a spoon before. > Downcast, Darren muttered, "Great. I can't even speak Japanese." Crow: To tell the truth, Darren, we're not too convinced about English either. > Malkon slapped him on the back with bone-jarring force. Crow: *CRRUNCH!* Joel: Aah! My spine! > "You have >given me some very useful information. If you wish, I will repay you by Crow: Uh.. >casting a spell Crow: Phew. > that will give you full knowledge of the language and even >how to read and write it." Tom: o/~ I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese.. > He smiled with a disconcerting flash All: Gyah! Joel: Stop doing that! > of his fangs, >"I could use the practice in any case." > "Great! Go ahead. Tom: Make my day. > I just hope it doesn't take too long to get there." All: o/~ You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll get to Tokyo before ye.. > Malkon smiled mysteriously, and uttered softly so Darren wouldn't hear, Crow: (Malkon) Dickweed. >"Not long for me but for you, fool, it will be...very long indeed." Tom: Ahem. Crow: Wow, Darren! I never knew you were so.. well-endowed! Joel: Crow! Crow: As a writer, of course. > He chuckled quietly. Tom: That always cracks me up! > > "Whoa. New definition for the word _cram_," Crow: Along with the one you made up for the word "story"? > Darren said as he held his >head in his hands. Crow: Which one? Joel: CROW! Tom: Well, it does get awfully lonely out there in the Void. > Words, underlying meanings, and symbols were bouncing around >in his head. Crow: Plenty of room for it. Tom: Y'know, Joel's right, Crow. You're starting to just plain flame. Crow: He's asking for it. > Understanding of them all was rapidly coming to him. > "It will take a while for the knowledge to settle in Tom: Some settling may occur during shipment. > but when it >does it will be as if you grew up learning the language," Joel: Of course, the language is Bantu, but you get what you pay for. > Malkon smiled. Tom: (Malkon) Ever seen the "Belgian Dictionary" sketch? >"I have not done that in quite some time. Joel: Well, I haven't grown up with a language for a while now, either. > It is good to get some practice." > "Well it sure makes one's head feel like it's full of cotton balls. Crow: I've got news for you, Darren. >Whoo," Tom: Starring Ric Flair as Darren! > Shaking his head, Darren looked around at the Void. Joel: (Darren) Yup. It's still empty. > They were approaching >something. Something HUGE. Crow: (British) It's only a model.. > "What is THAT??" Tom: (Malkon) Oh.. heh heh.. I'm still housebreaking my hellhound, see.. > "That, little mortal, is the main source for two of the most powerful >forces used in most universes. Tom: Hunger and Discontent? Joel: Fear and Ignorance? Crow: Kant and Sartre? Joel: CR-.. huh? > It is called the Event." Malkon looked at the >growing display ahead with a slight bit of awe and greed. Crow: He's just sore 'cause _his_ display doesn't- Joel: Crow.. > "Main source? Source of what?" Tom: Cheez Wiz. > Smiling, due to his pleasure Joel: As opposed to grinning due to his boredom or smirking due to his excruciating agony. > in his obviously superior position of >knowledge, Malkon explained the phenomenon that was getting closer, Crow: (Malkon) It's a really neat sparkly thing. > "This >started in the very beginning of creation. The two streams of energy you see >ahead of us come from two limitless planes of Power. Joel: Alternating and Direct? Tom: Pain and Joy? Crow: Rhythm and Blues? > Even though they are >different, they have an...odd attraction to each other. Tom: o/~ We come together 'cause opposites attract.. > This attraction >created permanent openings from those planes into the Void where they met >each other in the display you now see. Joel: On your right is a beautiful mating display by the tufted finch, and on your left is a naked pig. > The blue stream is from the plane of Mind >and the purple one is from the plane of Magic. All: Ohhh. Crow: Well, there goes one running gag. Joel: Yeah. It's a shame, really. > They meet in that spherical >ball of energy but still somehow remain apart from the other. Crow: So they meet but don't touch? How is that supposed to work? Tom: And how come, in an infinite void, these two randomly located wanderers not only bumped into each other but also into the one landmark in the plane? Joel: These and other thrilling questions won't be answered in the next episode of: Twisted Path. > The energy from >each side eventually goes into other universes and planes where natural >forces or beings tap it." Crow: Pink and purple mana? How.. tacky. > "So this is the source of all psionic and magic powers? Weird. Tom: That barely begins to scratch the surface, Darren. > I don't >suppose anyone has ever tried controlling it?" Crow: Of course they have! Didn't you read the prologue? > Malkon expression was sad, Tom: Too bad for his expression. How did Malkon feel? > "Unfortunately, the energy is very unstable >here and unmanageable. Joel: It runs around in circles and knocks over the lamp. > No one able to come here has ever attempted it. Crow: But the prologue said that many had attempted it! Tom: Well, it makes sense if you don't think about it too hard. Crow: Oh. Huh? > It would >be an exercise in futility to try." > They both glazed at the incredible display for a while. Tom: They put up a fine new picture window in the den, and a skylight in the dining room. > Then Darren shuddered a bit, "Well, cosmic fireworks look great but do >you know how soon we get out of this place?" Joel: o/~ We gotta get out of this place.. > "For me, about an hour." > Darren nodded, then did a double-take. "Wait a minute. For you? What >about me?" Crow: Oh, it's always about you, isn't it, Darren? How about the prince of Hell's feelings for a change? > Malkon turned towards him and Darren saw that his expression was >a smiling one, Joel: Darren, you could just say he was smiling. > but one now suited to a being called an arch-demon. Tom: As opposed to his previous expression, which was suited only to a being called Ted. > "While >your presence as been an amusing and entertaining one during this short >trip in the Void, I cannot allow you to accompany me to our mutual destination. Joel: (Malkon) You'll have to connect at Cleveland. >_That_ would result in our two material beings appearing in the same place and >time and thus, our deaths. Tom: Someone's just watched "Timecop" again. > The one solution that is most appealing to me is >to remove Crow: (Malkon) Your tonsils. Don't ask why; magic works in funny ways. > the possibility of you following me. Mearly killing you would not >suffice because your body would still be here. Therefore, since I knew we >would be passing this place, I plan on throwing you into the Event which >is now slightly below and ahead of us. Joel: Not to be confused with the Event behind us, the Event above us, or the Event in my left ear. > It has an attractive force Crow: Say.. Joel: Y'know, I'll bet you're bluffing this time. I think you can't actually quantify that into a dirty joke. Crow: Oh yeah? Well- (pauses) uh..so what? Joel: Heh. Gotcha. > which should >be more than sufficient to drag you in, spell or no spell. Tom: Spell schmell; can it overcome plot contrivances? > Unfortunately for >you, I have no doubt in my mind that you will not survive this unique >experience." Joel: (Darren) Yeah, whatever. When do I get there? > Darren was stunned by this calm statement of his coming death. Tom: I guess Malkon's phraser was on 'stun'. > Malkon glanced ahead, "Hm. I do believe the time has come. Good-bye." Crow: And thank you for flying the evil skies. >Moving with extreme swiftness, Joel: ZZZZOOOM! > the arch-demon's hands quickly trapped Darren's >shirt. Crow: (Marlon Perkins) The wild shirt will often gnaw through its own leg when trapped. > Darren broke from his stunned trance with this movement, "No! Wait!" Tom: Was it in sign language or something? > An evil chuckle was Malkon's only reply. With a sharp, jerking motion, Joel: Uh..Malkon? >Malkon launched him with both physical and magical strength Joel: Phew. > into a trajectory >that would plunge him into the center of the Event. Tom: Wrong, wrong, wrong! In a zero-gravity environment with nothing to push off of, Malkon shouldn't be able to maneuver that precisely! He would just go into a spinout of his own! Crow: Nice try, but they already established that Malkon could control his motion. Remember? Tom: Oh. Yeah. My bad. > "YOU BAASSsssstttttaaarrr.....," Crow: (Professor Go) The tragedy of Baassttaarr must not be repeated! > Darren's voice faded as he flew away >from Malkon. > The arch-demon watched with the interested eyes of an observer. Tom: He wore them on a chain around his neck. > No >one, to his vast knowledge, Joel: Knows the troubles he'd seen. > had ever actually _tried_ to enter the Event. >The energies there were just too unpredictable. The mortal might be vaporized >even before entering the Event...or not. Tom: I could see that having a deterrent quality. > This appeared to be the _not_ case Crow: IF fic is NOT good, THEN riff mercilessly. >as Malkon saw the helpless figure plunge head-first into it. (All jaws drop. All speak at the same time.) Joel: Did he really just- Tom: I can't believe he- Crow: YES! He just- All: KILLED HIS OWN CHARACTER!? Crow: You have no idea how richly satisfying this is. Joel: Y'know, this might not be so bad after all! Tom: Yeah, right. He probably survives through a million-to-one chance, absorbs the energies of the Event or something, kills Malkon, seduces Nabiki, and solves everyone's problems. Crow: Yeah.. Joel: You're right. All: Sigh. > *Well, even though I will not actually see what the mortal goes >through before he dies, Crow: (Malkon) Damn CQ filters! > at least that sight was compensation enough.* Tom: He does have a point there. > Now that the worry of mutual annihilation was over. Joel: Malkon could get on with his true calling: flower arranging. > The arch-demon >turned his mind to the next immediate problem. Tom: Being stuck all alone in deep space? > Happosei. Crow: MUCH more urgent than explosive decompression! > *However, with the information the late mortal gave me, it should >be a simple problem indeed. Joel: (Malkon) Just integrate 2sin y over the.. hmm.. ravioli? > Hm. I never did ask the mortal for a name. Tom: I hereby dub thee Willy! > Pity. >Not like it would have mattered in the end.* > Malkon smiled. Joel: (gasps) Wow! He didn't say "Malkon's expression was a smiling one"! Crow: Let's split. Tom: Yeah, I need some air. Joel: You don't breathe. Tom: Whatever. Crow: I have a great sketch idea.. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) This is my first non-Sailor Moon MSTing. This and future episodes are intended to be read as one _really_ long MSTing. Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Twisted Path belongs to Darren Steffler. MST3K and the folks therein belong to Best Brains. The riffs here belong to me.. nyah. Comments? Suggestions? Questions? Email me. --Ben-San Arizona bensan_arizona@yahoo.com _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com Reply Reply All Forward Delete Previous Next Close [Don't Forget to Log In] ---------------------------------------------------------------- © 1996-1998 Hotmail. All Rights Reserved. [Contact Us|Help]