Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text! Episode #102: Team Revelation, Part 2 Group Editor: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara Additonal Edits: Antaeus Feldspar And the various participants of #shoptalk (To whom many thanks are owed) Skits by Alicia Ashby MiSTed by: Antaeus Feldspar [afeldspar@cryogen.com] Alicia Ashby [lynxara@bad-candy.com] Glazius Falconar [glaziusfalconar@email.msn.com] Kou Aidou [kouaidou@fushigiyugi.com] Damien Karolev [damienk@polarcom.com] Jason Holland [BigSky553@aol.com] John Cuykendall [spoffy220@yahoo.com] Michael Leal [songoku@techisp.com] Newaz [tonnstatue@hotmail.com] Justin Rau [arsenal13@usa.net] Michael Rivman [MechaCrash@aol.com] Spider [Spider256@hotmail.com] Steve Savage [badger@infinet.com] Hakan Svensson [d95-hsv@nada.kth.se] Amanda Van Rhyn [avanrhyn.lnk@ispi.net] _________________________________________________________________ In the not-too-distant future-- That's someday, A.D.-- There was still a guy named Joel, Not too different from you or me. He was still trapped by Gizmonic Institute, A test case stuck in a red jumpsuit. Without Mike Nelson to take his place, Dr. Forrester still had him Locked up in deep space. I've sent him cheesy movies, The worst I could find (la-la-la). But he's sat there and watched them all, And he's still feelin' fine. (la-la-la). But don't think that means I can't break Joel - No, this is far from the end! (la-la-la) I'll just have to use some desperate tricks To destroy him and his friends! Robot Roll Call: (My robot friends!) Cambot! (The strong, silent type.) Gypsy! (Still in charge!) Tom Servo! (And I'm still a cool guy!) Croooow! (Oh, you *wish*...) So if you're wondering how he eats and breathes and why the continuity hack (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text!" [Guitar twang, and... open on the SOL Bridge. The camera has pulled in on a shot of Joel, hunched over by the Commercial Sign lights, played intently away on a red Game Boy Color. He finally 'notices' the audience after a few moments, and then quickly glances up.] JOEL: Oh! Hey, didn't see ya there, Cambot. For those of you watching at home, I'm Joel Robinson and this is the Satellite of Love. Since we know Dr. Forrester's going to be sending us another Pokemon fanfic for this week's experiment, I decided it'd be a good idea to do a little research. So I got together some Game Boys for me and the bots and started playing the new Pokemon game that's out! Check it out, I'm playing the Gold edition. Doing pretty good, me and my Togepi NMCCB - that's short for NummyMuffinCooCooButter - are just getting ready to fight Claire.... [Joel flips his Game Boy over as he speaks, pointing to the screen that Cambot zooms in on. However, Joel is interrupted by sudden crashing and screaming from off-screen. Joel lays his Game Boy down and turns toward stage right as Cambot pans back to his usual viewing position for the SOL Bridge.] JOEL: ... and what the Sam Hill is that?! [Joel walks toward stage right. Cambot follows him. Far to the right of the bridge console, we see Crow and Tom Servo. They are the source of the noise, and are apparently fighting (which consists of them backing up, ramming into each other for a bit, and then repeating the process). This would not be so remarkable if not for the way they had somehow managed to dress themselves. Crow has glued fluffy yellow wool over most of his body and head, and has a pair of floppy black felt ears attached to his net. Tom is wearing a pink cloth covering with black cow- spots on it. His chest isn't covered by the cloth and has been painted white, and the 'buttons' running along it painted pink, to give the eerie impression of teats. Fake white cow horns and a pair of floppy black ears have been glued to his dome.] CROW: Eat hot electric death, cow-boy! TAAAAACKLE! TOM: Only if you drink sweet calcium-rich death from my mighty teats, Crow! TAAAACKLE! [The two bots slam into each other again. This time, however, Joel walks urgently over to them and grabs their shoulders to separate them. Even as they're pushed back, Tom and Crow continue yelling at each other.] CROW: You want a piece of me, Bessie? You want a piece of me?! Well, bring it! TOM: Fine! There won't be enough of you left to make a sweater with! JOEL: Boys! You stop this fighting right his instant! CROW: Well, he started it! TOM: Did not! CROW: Did too! TOM: Did not times infinity! CROW: Did too times infinity plus one! TOM: Look, you're the little baby who said that the fights in the video game weren't realistic enough! CROW: They aren't! A stupid cow could never beat up an electric sheep in real life! TOM: Could too! CROW: Could not! Could not times infinity! TOM: Could too times infinity *plus one*! [The bots continue squabbling. Joel glances directly into Cambot's lens and sighs.] JOEL: I'm beginning to wonder if those people who think Pokemon is violent might not be onto something. Cambot, could you hit the commercial sign? I'll be right back, folks. Now, boys, look, cows aren't fierce combatants in real life, but neither are sheep, and neither cows nor sheep can really throw energy blasts.... [Commercial: Watch the Black Scorpion, all new on Sci-Fi! Hah, now we not only air second-run cheesy ill-advised superhero TV shows, we *make our own*!] [Return to SOL. Cambot is back in his usual position, observing Joel, Tom, and Crow as they stand behind the bridge console. Joel is attempting to get the bots out of their ludicrous costumes, pulling yellow wool off of Crow and trying to pull the horns and ears off of Tom's dome.] JOEL: ... so you're not going to have Pokemon Battles with yourselves again? BOTS [in singsong unison]: No, Joel. CROW: At least as long as Tom doesn't cheat with his stupid cow. TOM: Yeah, you're just whining because Miltank's Rollout beat up your Mareep *and* your cheesy little Red Gyarados that I *told* you wasn't legal for a link cable battle... CROW: It's not cheating if you can catch it in the game! TOM: It is too! That thing is stupidly powerful! JOEL: *Boys*, behave. The Really Rottens are calling. [Deep 13. We see Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank standing very close to the camera, as per usual.] DR. FORRESTER: Thank you, Scooby Doobies. I suppose you have your invention exchange for this week ready? [SOL.] JOEL: That I do, sirs. My invention this week is based on filling a need that has plagued all mankind since the very beginning of time. CROW: How to scratch that one place that's right in the middle of your back so you can't reach it? TOM: How many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? JOEL: Close, but no. I mean the need to complete and total pillow efficiency! My invention this week is the Robinson Hyper-Ergonomic All-Natural Pillow Supreme! As you can see, this pillow has been custom crafted to provide the ultimate in cushioning for any occasion. You can sit on the flat part right here, or for sleeping, flip it over and nestle your head in the Relax-O-Area located between the two fluffy Comfort Domes! It's filled with the special Robinson Ever-Fluff Comfort Gel, so you'll never to worry about stuffing getting packed down or moving around ever again! [Joel brings the RHEANPS out from under the console as he talks about it, pointing to its different parts as he goes through his spiel. The bots begin muttering softy to each other during his presentation, speaking to him after he's finished.] TOM: Uh, Joel? Can we ask you a question about the Robinson Hyper-Ergonomic All-Natural Pillow Supreme? JOEL: Sure thing, little guys! TOM: Well, the shape of it's very familiar... in fact it sort of resembles, erm... CROW: ... it's a giant butt, Joel. Your pillow is shaped like a giant butt. The 'Comfort Domes' are the cheeks, the Relax-O-Area is the crack, and *that* pillow is a giant butt if I've ever laid eyes on one! JOEL: Well... yeah! I mean, look at it this way. What part of the body do people sit on the most? The butt! And it manages to keep the pelvis nicely cushioned. The simple fact is that the butt is nature's pillow, and if we humans want the maximum comfort value from our artificial pillows, we need to begin following Mother Nature. BOTS: ... TOM: ... Joel, it's still a pillow shaped like a GIANT BUTT! CROW: And you're not even marketing it based on the obvious novelty value of a pillow shaped like a giant butt! You seem to find it perfectly acceptable that someone should just casually and unselfconsciously sleep on a giant butt pillow! JOEL: Well, *I* sleep on it and it doesn't bother me. TOM: You also haven't been a part of normal human society for ten years! JOEL: So? TOM: ... CROW: Joel, I look around at all the other things you've created and sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder where the hell I *actually* came from. JOEL [chuckling]: Philistines! Come on, sirs, what do you think? [Deep 13.] FRANK: I'm with the little robot guys on this one. That's a giant butt pillow. DR. FORRESTER: And, while a giant butt pillow is an intriguing concept, it's just not evil enough to meet my quality standards. Now, if it was a pillow shaped like, say, a giant spleen or colon instead, then perhaps.... FRANK: Oooh! Or a giant liver pillow, I always wanted one of those! [SOL.] TOM: Liver pillow? CROW: Smile and nod, Tommy. JOEL: Well, I set out to make a comfortable pillow, and I made a comfortable pillow, so I have to say that I, at least, am satisfied with my work. CROW: So what's you guys' invention this week? [Deep 13.] DR. FORRESTER: Um... FRANK: A-heh... DR. FORRESTER: ... yes! Our invention! You're ready to tell them all about our invention, aren't you, Frank? FRANK: Oh, Steve, I couldn't! Really, *you're* the mad scientist here, I'm the assistant, you should be the one to tell them about our brilliant invention this week. Really! [SOL.] TOM: You guys didn't make anything, did you? [Deep 13.] MADS [hanging heads in shame]: ... no. FRANK: But there's a good reason for that! DR. FORRESTER: Certain... very influential parties took offense at our invention last week, and we're now being sued by... certain parties. FRANK: And we were slapped with an injunction forbidding us to create any more evil inventions until the court case is settled. [SOL.] JOEL: Sued? For bringing back glam rock? Wow, that's harsh. TOM: Yeah, our condolences. CROW: So... don't you guys have to let us down now? TOM: Hey... yeah! We're one of your evil experiments! JOEL: The bots have a point, guys. What you're doing now is even more illegal than it was before. [Deep 13.] DR. FORRESTER: Look here, Johnny Jump-Up! *Just* because Deep 13 is going through some slight legal problems doesn't mean you're going to get away without having an experiment this week! FRANK: Uh... Steve, we've got a slight problem... DR. FORRESTER: ... WHAT? Frank, I've told you a thousand times not to interrupt me when I'm ranting.... [Frank points at something off-camera, grinning nervously. Dr. Forrester turns around, and suddenly becomes all ingratiating smiles as he comes face-to-face with...] DR. FORRESTER: ... oh, look! It's Lars Ulrich, drummer and spokesman for heavy metal rock legend, Metallica! LARS: Yeah, and I'm here with a *restraining* order. You know until the lawsuit's finished you're supposed to put an end to *all* your experiments, and I *don't* see that one with the dude and the little robots being stopped. DR. FORRESTER: Well... you know... it involves an orbiting satellite, it'll take months to arrange for it to be safely brought down... LARS: Not my problem. [Lars walks over to the control panel and begins randomly hitting buttons. The lights in Deep 13 abruptly take on a red shift, and sirens beginning blaring. The same thing happens on the SOL, prompting angry, confused shouts from Joel and the bots.] LARS: There! Sorry, dude and two robots, but the geosynchronous orbit of your satellite is already starting to decay. In about two hours, you're going to drop like a rock and crash in... Uh... FRANK: ... looks like Australia. [SOL.] TOM [nervously]: ... well, look on the bright side. Maybe we'll land on Yahoo Serious? CROW: Dammit, not even *I* want Yahoo Serious dead so bad I'm willing to die for it! JOEL: Gee, I don't mean to question your exercise of your legal creative rights or anything, Mr. Ulrich, but don't you think it's kind of mean to kill an innocent man and two robots just because Dr. Forrester brought back glam rock? [Deep 13.] LARS: So? [SOL.] ALL: ... JOEL: ... well, I guess I can't argue with that. [Deep 13.] DR. FORRESTER: Wait a minute! You said it'd take two hours for their geosynchronous orbit to decay? LARS: More or less, why? DR. FORRESTER: Well, until such time as the Satellite of Love crashes in a horrible flaming ball somewhere in the Australian outback... *would* you mind if I sent Joel just one more experiment, for old time's sake? Just one? LARS: ... I dunno. I'm already gonna kill him, sending him an experiment too would be pretty evil. FRANK: Right! See, and you're evil, *we're* evil... can't we work something out? LARS: Well... ah, heck, sure! Just this once. DR. FORRESTER: Yes! In this case, boobies, your experiment this week is the second installment in the thrilling Team Revelation series, by the irrepressible Ryan Edgerton. It's as close to a fate worse than death that I can manage for you all on such short notice. Enjoy! Or better yet, don't! [SOL] JOEL: I'm actually heartened by the fact that we'll have a Team Revelation story for our final experiment. CROW: ... why on earth is *that*, Joel? JOEL: Well, you have to admit, after going through that, dying's probably going to look pretty good. TOM: ... oooh, good point. [The sirens and klaxons on the bridge go off.] JOEL: But right now... WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [Theater. Seats. You know the drill by now, folks.] > From: Arc Angels Save Address Block Sender > To: lynxara@hotmail.com Save Addresses JOEL : Yes, brothers, even the *addresses* will be saved! But we need your donations... > Subject: The Day of Evil is upon Team Revelation. Are you ready? TOM: Oh, great... the day of evil comes and all I get is this lousy t-shirt. CROW: Team Revelation: Because locusts, floods, and plagues just weren't enough. > Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 12:18:25 -0500 > > TEAM REVELATION > Day of Evil TOM: Afternoon of General Unpleasantness! CROW: Early Evening of Snippy Attitude! JOEL: Sunday Brunch of Bruised Feelings! > "Get Crystal Dagger in here immediately!" Giovanni thundered. The > Persian on his desk hissed out a chuckle TOM: How do you hiss out a chuckle? Is that actually possible? JOEL: Tom, with a great deal of time and practice... no, it isn't. > anticipating the pain Giovanni might inflict for a failure of this size. CROW: It's not the size of your failure, it's what you do with it that counts. > "Yes, Giovanni?" > "Explain to me why you failed to capture the target Pokemon. It had > better be good." TOM : I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids and their baby Eevee! > "It won't happen again." > "Tell me exactly 'what won't happen again', and fast! My patience is > running thin." CROW : I won't screw up! What more do you want, you orange-suited fruit?! > "...I had them defeated, not a Pokemon left between them. Then that brat > Devan somehow revived his Ghastly and defeated my last Pokemon." TOM : Damn it, God's involved again. Persian, get Satan on line two! > "You mean to tell me my prime assassin... underestimated her targets! > Why would I send you after them if I didn't see exceptional potential and > power in their Pokemon? I expect better of you in the future." JOEL : Dammit, if I can't expect success from four-against-one odds, what *can* I expect it from?! CROW: Is Giovanni slipping into Dark Sonic mode now? > "It won't happen again." > Giovanni stood silent for a moment, deep in evil thoughts. CROW : Okay, think evil, think evil... damn, all I'm getting is a sun-drenched meadow. > Without even turning to face her, he spoke. JOEL : I have a shmutz on my nose. > "I trust you have a plan to avenge your loss?" > "Yes, and it's fool proof. Even Jessie and James could pull this off, CROW: Jessie and James couldn't pull off grocery shopping. > if they weren't so incompetent." TOM: Yeah, and even a penguin could sing Handel's Messiah, if only penguins could sing. > Giovanni grunted angrily at the mention of those two names. CROW : ... I told you not to bring up Siegfried and Roy. > "Don't mention those two in my presence. They've been nothing but a > handicap to my entire operation. They can't even steal that simple > Pikachu." JOEL : But my mom thinks they're cute, so they stay on. > He turned to face her. "Now, tell me about your plan." > "It's a classic. Divide and conquer." CROW : I divide each of them in two, and they are conquered. > "Very good. However, if I send you out to exact revenge, those kids will > know what to expect and may defeat you yet again. TOM: Giovanni's people are constantly out-thought by kids and cute animals? He really needs a different line of work. > I will be sending a > group of my people this time, gangsters that have never fouled up." JOEL : I'm sure I had a reason to drag you in and tell you all this, despite your not being involved, but it's slipped my mind. > "You're replacing me with the Rocket Five? Those losers couldn't steal a > Magikcarp if it was a dead Magikcarp." TOM: And she's as tough as a brick Muppet, if Muppets were made of brick! > "They're the best TEAM we've got right now. If you'll remember, you and > your previous partner were-" JOEL : ... the best team we had, until he was killed by a dead Magikarp. > "You don't have to remind me of my past. Let the Rocket Five try. I'll > be hosing away their remains inside a day." > > "Very well. Until the Rocket Five have finished their mission, success > or failure, consider yourself on... vacation." JOEL: Boy, I wish I got vacation time every time I failed miserably at work. > Crystal Dagger left the room in silence. Then, another female voice > behind Giovanni spoke. > "Actually, I think she took that quite well, don't you?" CROW : Mother! Stop pestering me! > > Christian Rock, TOM: Instead of smashing their guitars at the end, they smash bibles! > Rap, JOEL: Ah, yes, Christian Rap, the new fad sweeping the nation. "Jesus is My Hook-Up!" > Ska, etc. CROW: Christian Ska: not at all like your usual devil-worshipping, hard-drinking, fast-living, womanizing ska! > blared inside the huge open air concert hall. TOM: ...what, all at once? > Blazing lights exploded across the crowd as the on-stage band > finished up a song. CROW: The audience, bored, played tic-tac-toe. > "Thank you, ladies and gents. Now, the SPIRIT INFERNO autumn concert is > proud to welcome some very special guests. TOM : Pray, baby, pray! SPIRIT INFERNO! > They're a modern legend, JOEL: Actually, they're more of an urban legend. "Don't flash your headlights at night or Team Revelation will come and get you." > four sanctified soldiers for Christ,... CROW: ... who war against false metal! > prepare for trouble and make it double double, JOEL: With toil and trouble! > give it up for Team Revelation!" TOM: Ladies and gentlemen - THE KIDS WHO HIJACK GOD SO THEY CAN LOOK COOL IN THEIR FICS! WHOOOO! > All the lights faded out, then as fog machines began running a single > blue light shone across the sky, illuminating four slow moving > hoverboards. JOEL: Wow! It's Lame Special Effects A-Go-Go! TOM: Or Sesame Street Live! > High-energy music began to play as the crowds exploded into cheers. CROW: ... and their hoverboards flipped over. > "Prepare for trouble!" > "Double that trouble!" JOEL: And wrap it all up in a big plastic bubble... CROW: Churn this fanfic down to rubble! TOM: And punt it past the Hubble! Whee! > The music exploded suddenly into a low-key guitar solo. The light > suddenly switched to neon green as the gravity defying heroes continued. JOEL: Thrill to GREEN LIGHTS. CROW: The gravity defying heroes continued to WHAT? TOM: Just continued. Their very EXISTENCE is worthy of praise and awe. > "To protect the world from demonic power." > "To rescue all people in their darkest hour." CROW: To make good writers rant and cower! JOEL: To drape white jasmine on the wedding bower! TOM: To--- [sniff sniff]--- eww... we need a shower. > "To pronounce the power of our Creator's love!" > "To extend His truth to the stars above!" JOEL : Um, hello? I'm IN the stars above already? CROW : Shut up until you're called for, God. JOEL : Yessir. > The music began to build as the hoverboards swerved off in different > directions. On cue, each rider was lighted with his or her representative > color. TOM: And these are? JOEL: Puce, plaid, persimmon, and shocking chartreuse! CROW: Pink? Why the @%&# do I have to be Mr. Pink?! > "Ryan!" > "Devan!" > "Garrett!" > "Jennifer!" JOEL: Cubby! TOM: Steve! CROW : Annette! > "Team Revelation, sword defenders of the Gospel of Jesus Christ!" > "Surrender now, Satan, because our God has won the fight!" ALL: Jesus! That's right! > Applause from the crowds were intense. Team Revelation one by one landed > their hoverboards on the stage and began sharing their personal > testimonies with the masses. JOEL : Hi, my name is Ryan Edgerton... and I'm an alcoholic. BOTS: Hi, Ryan! > All this time, though, one shadowy > individual had slowly been working his way behind the stage. TOM: ... Cool! It's Torgo! JOEL : ThE maSTer WoUlD not APProVE oF MoNoTHeiSM... > His spiky > purple hair and black rappers hat made him look like he belonged to one > of the preforming bands. In reality, his mission was one of evil. His > name was Jack. TOM: Hi, I'm Jack Evil, and I'll be your Servant of Darkness for the evening! CROW: What, that's it? Just 'Jack?' No spiffy evil name like Graphite Meat Cleaver? > "Thank you, Celedon City! JOEL : Celadon City! Are you ready to PRAY? > And now, Team Revelation would like to hand > the rest of the night over to some personal friends of mine as well as > long standing inspiration, give it up for the WORLD WIDE MESSAGE TRIBE!" TOM : ... what do you MEAN, their plane crashed? > The crowds thundered into applause as WWMT and the band started off > their turn on stage with Lift It. JOEL : Lift it! Lift it good! > Ryan and Garrett went behind stage to > get their hoverboards while Devan and Jennifer did the 'Autograph thing'. TOM: So *that's* what the kids are calling it nowadays... > "Hey! Someone's been messing with my hoverboard!" CROW: And someone's been messing with *my* hoverboard! JOEL: And someone's been messing with my hoverboard... and they broke it right in half! > On closer inspection, > Ryan's worst fears were confirmed. "Oh, shoot! The gravity inhibitor's > missing!" CROW: Now gravity has no morals whatsoever! > "That's not good. Without the ability to distort gravity fields, your > hoverboard won't get one inch off the ground." TOM: Thank you, Mr. Spock. JOEL [checks his wristwatch]: So... Jack's evil plan has been discovered and thwarted in what, 4.04 seconds? Once again, suspense is narrowly averted. > "I'll call Professor Oak. He can build me a replacement piece, but I'll > need to go and get it. TOM: ... isn't Professor Oak technically a biologist? CROW : Um, I can't really build an antigravity-- JOEL : Dammit, if I say you're a physicist, you're a physicist! Build it now, or God'll give you a wedgie! > No way we can risk shipping something like that in > the mail. TOM: What with the mail being controlled by the mafia and all... > Meanwhile, I'd better make sure this theft has no connection to > Team Rocket." > > "Don't forget, Ryan, we've got to get to Cinnabar Island soon. It's > still hard to believe Cassidy and Butch want to spill Team Rocket secrets > in exchange for a reduced sentence." CROW: ... must resist waves of exposition washing over me... powers weakening... > "I always thought they'd be the last ones to talk. Anyway, I'll call the > Professor, and you try to arrange some low-key transportation for me to > Pallet Town." TOM: You know, you can ride on pokemon, and if your pokemon are strong enough, nothing's going to bother you. But using pokemon for anything that's not beating up other pokemon is apparently evil. Go fig, huh? CROW: Servo, do you really want to see Edgerton stick a Pidgeotto between his legs? TOM: ... okay, point. > "I'm all over it." ALL: EWWWW!! > "Ryan, do you realize what could happen if Team Rocket get's a hold on > Gravity-Manipulation technology?!" TOM: They wouldn't fall in holes all the time! THE CONSEQUENCES COULD BE DISASTROUS! > "Calm down, Professor. Don't forget, you bugged all the components just > in case this ever happened." CROW : To make sure the technology never falls into the unworthy hands of firefighters or paramedics! > "I know that! But just because we can trace it doesn't mean they won't > be able to use the technology!" JOEL : ...you've been drinking espresso again, haven't you, Professor? > "Professor, this could be just the break we've been waiting for. It's > the perfect Trojan Horse! We could have Team Rocket beat within the > course of a week!" TOM : Six days, IF we pray. CROW: Look, Pikachu gets a case of the runs and it defeats Team Rocket. It's not that big an achievement. > "Oh, all right. But be careful! You kids take far too many risks." > The computer phone flashed off. CROW: Oh, a phone. It would be nice if we knew this before the conversation actually *started*... > Garrett came up behind Ryan and tapped > him on the shoulder. TOM : Surfing Christian porn sites again? > "Good news! I was able to get you a ride with a truck driver who was in > the audience. ALL: Ben Murphy! > He says he's going straight to Pallet with a bunch of > starter Pokemon for new trainers there." TOM : Dude, there are horror movies that start like that! CROW : Dude, there are *porno* movies that start like that... > "Sounds like just the ticket. What's his name?" > "He calls himself 'Jack'. How cliche is that, huh?" TOM: You know, that actually isn't bad execution. These SIs are too full of themselves to think anyone poses a threat. Especially someone who doesn't look impressive. CROW: ... Servo, did you eat the outdated Sno-Balls again? > *Chapter 2* > The truck driver drove most of the way in silence. His gell covered > purple hair, black sunglasses, and rap-style hat seemed to almost cloak > him in silent shadow. TOM: ... garish, brightly-colored silent shadow. > A pair of headphones casually rested over his ears, > attached to a small walkman. CROW : Mmmbop, bop bop dooooowap... > Ryan was a little uneasy about being around someone so ominous. TOM: ... Jack is ominous in precisely the same way DJ Jazzy Jeff is. > However, > he eventually decided to trust Jack. Suddenly, Ryan realized he had to > feed his Pokemon soon. "Weedle, time for dinner." Weedle jumped out of it's > Pokeball and onto the dashboard of the truck. Ryan reached into his backpack > and pulled out a bag of Poke-crunchies. JOEL: Poke-crunchies? Are those anything like Scooby Snacks? CROW: Poke-crunchies! o/` Poke-crunchies are the best! Look delicious on your chest! Serve them to unwanted guests! Stuff the mattress with the rest! o/` TOM: Poke-crunchies. Approved... by GOD! > Weedle gladly muched down the > Pokemon food, not even noticing the driver until he talked. CROW : So, Ryan. Ever been in a Turkish prison? > "You've got a Weedle, huh?" The man held up one of his own Pokeballs. TOM: In public? Eww. > "I've got a Porygon. Maybe we can battle sometime?" JOEL : Just one? Geez, are you one of the rendered sprites from FF7 or something? > "Maybe. By the way, thanks for giving me a ride." CROW : Oh, don't mention it. It was all part of my evil plan... D'OH! TOM: I hope he doesnt have an "Ass, Gas, or Grass" policy > "The pleasure was all mine." Ryan wondered what he meant by that until > the driver pulled out a small handgun. "Now, you're going to do exactly > as I say, or you're going to die." CROW: Oh, no! It's turning into an ABC Afterschool special! JOEL : My God will protect me! ... I *said,* my *God* will protect me! .... God? God?? TOM : You're on your own, kid. > "What do you want." Ryan said nervously. "Who are you?" JOEL: You are Number Six. TOM: I am ToRgO. I takE CaRe oF the PLAcE whiLe The MAstER iS aWay. CROW: Ryan *IS* Lorien! > "Like I said, my name is Jack. As for what I want, you'll just have to > wait and see." TOM : Aw, come on, tell me, please? > As the truck pulled to a stop, Weedle crawled into Ryan's backpack > unnoticed by Jack. Jack told Ryan at gunpoint to take all his stuff and > get out of the truck. When Ryan stepped out though, he realized Jack > wasn't the only one in on this. JOEL: There, in the parking lot, stood God, grinning maliciously. > "So, Ryan Edgerton. We finally meet face to face." A red-headed woman > carrying a mace said. CROW : HA! Fear my Mace of Disruption +3, biyatch! > The weapon glinted in the moonlight as Jack forced Ryan forward at > gunpoint. "So, the notorious Bloody Mary and the Rocket Five have > taken to kidnaping now. Why am I not surprised." CROW : ... look, what did you think we were notorious for, jaywalking? > "Looks like Jesus Freaks have a sense of humor after all." JOEL : That's a common misconception, sorry. > "You didn't bring me here just to insult my faith, Mary. What do you > want." TOM : Actually I did just bring you here to insult you. You may go now. > "Besides everything, not much. Just your Pokemon and your life." CROW : Hah! I don't HAVE a life! > Suddenly, Weedle shot out of the backpack, stinging Jack in the hand. JOEL : Weedle! Eat them! Chew them up with your mighty jaws! TOM: Jobbed by a Weedle. How humiliating. CROW: Damn. Lassie's got nothing on Weedle. > As soon as the gun hit the pavement, Ryan released his two remaining > Pokemon. "Weedle, Charmander, Geodude, get outta here, now!" The > three Pokemon hesitated, then ran off into the woods by the side of the > road. ALL : We're free! We're free! > Out of nowhere, Mary floored Ryan with a roundhouse kick. Jack > grabbed his gun with his uninjured hand and aimed it squarely at Ryan. > > "Should I kill him? Please, let me kill this Christian scum!" Jack > pleaded with Mary, his hand ever on the hairpin trigger. TOM: Okay, so in a week Christianity has gone from an obscure religion to a reason for concerts, hatred, and violence. JOEL: Wow. TR really did a good job, huh? CROW: Yeah! If TR hadn't come on the scene then Christianity could have grown in peace, promoting vital concepts such as "Love thy neighbor" and "Turn the other cheek!" JOEL: Feh. Who'd buy THAT? > "He still knows valuable information. TOM: Valuable information about WHAT? How to make preacher cookies? CROW : He knows where the Sunday School meetings are. Armed with that knowledge, we can destroy their entire organization! > Don't worry, you'll get your chance." > > "You won't get any information outta me." Ryan boldly protested. TOM : Ha! You didn't count on the awesome force of my stupidity! JOEL: Get it? He's protesting because he's a Protestant! CROW [groans]: Joel, just whose side are you *on* here? > "I have ways of getting you to talk." She swung her mace, stopping in > mere inches from his head. JOEL : Now tell or I'll pretend to hit you again! CROW: Damn it, Mary, you need to have more follow through. > "No, you don't, Bloody Mary." > Mary looked extremely peeved. TOM: ... our evil villain is 'peeved'? CROW: Darth Vader is 'mildly annoyed.' JOEL: Sauron is 'off his tea.' > "Load this loserly scum into the back of the truck." She turned to face > Ryan. "Let's see your God try and save you now." > "He already has." ALL: ... TOM: Mary, try the mace again. > The back of the truck was piled with cages, each containing a Pokemon. > The air wreaked of foul odors and the floor was littered with garbage. JOEL: Ryan felt right at home. > Ryan's arms and legs were tied to the chair he sat on. In his mouth was a > rancid old sock being used to gag him. TOM: You know what the scary part is? He kind of enjoyed it. CROW: Well, I know *I'm* enjoying it.... > Mary and her brothers, Tack, Mack, > and Zack JOEL: ... and their cousin, Cousin. > sat at a table on the other side of the room, engrossed in a > game of Poker. Jack, of course, was busy at the wheel of this rig. TOM: Wait, wait... someone actually named their sons Mack, Zack, Jack, and *Tack*? CROW: I'm pretty sure that qualifies as child abuse. > "So, this is how Jesus felt as the soldiers threw dice for his clothing, > just before the Cross." He thought to himself. He closed his eyes and > silently prayed. TOM: Jesus was tied to a chair and had a sock in his mouth? CROW: Yeah, the ancient Romans were kinky folks. JOEL: I'm just disturbed by the thought that someone's throwing dice for Ryan's bad clothes. > Charmander, Geodude, and Weedle silently walked through the dark woods. > They had never felt so alone, nor so scared. JOEL: They were lost in a fic with no plot! It was terrifying! TOM: If they start singing psalms in Pokespeak... > "What happened back there?" Geodude asked, speaking in Pokemon. > "Who were those people that attacked Ryan?" Charmander inquired. CROW : I'm even more scared than the time he started putting wigs and makeup and lingerie on us! > "I think those trainers were Team Rocket. All I know is that Ryan needs > help." Weedle interjected. JOEL: "Interjected." Someone's been Improving their Word Power. CROW: Nah, he found Jim Hellwig's thesaurus. > "How can we help him? He's probably on the big truck." > "We need to get to Professor Oak. He can help Ryan." JOEL: "Of course, since we won't reach Pallet Town before the truck reaches its destination, and Professor Oak can't speak Pokemon anyway, we're more or less screwed." > "We can travel faster underground." Geodude stated. "Grab onto my back. TOM : Do I have to dress as the confederate soldier again, too? > The other two Pokemon did as instructed. Geodude plowed into the earth > with it's dig-attack, leaving a small tunnel underground. They were > Ryan's best chance at survival. JOEL: So, Ryan's pretty much dead, then. > Meanwhile, Garrett, Devan, and Jennifer sped across the hot desert sand, > their hoverboards propelling them forward at increadible speed. Behind > them huge sand waves flew up swiftly underneath a small cresent moon. The > three heroes were blissfully unaware of their older brother's fate. TOM : Hey. You think maybe that guy who drove off with Ryan was really a Team Rocket plant and they capture him and have him tied up in a truck while his Pokemon are wandering in the middle of nowhere? JOEL : Nah. CROW : Nope. TOM : Oh. Just my imagination, then. > Miles ahead of them, another trio waited and watched in silence. Their > huge hot-air balloon wafted in the cold night winds. CROW: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost were NOT taking this crap anymore. > "I never thought Bloody Mary could actually be helpful. Without that > leader of theirs, these Jesus Freaks are finished!" Jessie said in > self-admiration. "And with our secret weapon, they won't have anywhere > to run and hide!" James gloated. "Like mice in da' trap!" Meowth suddenly > noticed a huge dust cloud coming up on the horizons. TOM: So the Pokeworld is a Dyson sphere? > "Meowth! Here day' come now!" JOEL : Here day' come, and me wan' gone home... One banana, two banana, day-O... > " Battle stations!" Jessie commanded, grabbing an armful of > blasterballs. TOM: I thought a Blasterball was something Nerf made. JOEL : And if you bible thumpers get really uppity, I'll pull out my ballzooka! > James did likewise as Meowth maneuvered the balloon into > position. Propped up on the edge of the balloon stood two huge grenade > launchers, each aimed squarely at the oncoming Team Revelation. JOEL: And yet, somehow, not a single one of those grenades will manage a direct hit. > Jessie > and James loaded armful after armful of blasterballs into the metal cannons, > then began firing rounds of ammo off at Team Revelation. > > "This is fun!" James squealed. CROW: ... like a pig. JOEL: ... I don't even want to think about what else is going on in that balloon. > "Activate stereo system!" Jessie ordered. TOM: Activate... stereo system? They're going to Spice Girls them to death? JOEL : Bring out the N'Sync! CROW: No, no, watch it be Marilyn Manson. > "What the-!" Garrett exclaimed as huge explosions suddenly kicked up all > around him. JOEL: By the power of God, he remained unharmed. > Then he saw the balloon. TOM: You have to wonder how you miss something that big in an otherwise empty sky... CROW : ... it is... BALLOON! > "You know us as Team Rocket and we fight for what is wrong, we're tired > of our motto so we thought we'd try a song!" JOEL: ... NO. BAD. CROW: ... KILL. TOM: I've got to agree, I really have mixed feelings about this. > "Jessie!" > "James!" CROW: "TEAM ROCKET IN THE HIZZOUUUUUSE!" TOM: The sad thing is that the song's the coolest part of this fic. JOEL: I don't think there is a cool part of this fic. > "The speed of light, prepare to fight!" > "Meowth... dat's right!" CROW: Rap lyrics courtesy of Vanilla Ice. TOM: Always wondered what happened to Robbie Van Winkle... > "What are they trying to do, make us barf before we die?" Devan > sarcastically asked. CROW: Well, that's apparently what you people are trying to do to *us*.... > "We want to capture Pikacu, we hope to do it soon, and when we do we'll > be the new stars of this... cartoon!" TOM: ... CROW: Brace yourself! The 4th wall's going down! > Abandoning their beloved microphones, Team Rocket set themselves to the > battle at hand. "And now those little creeps are about to get a taste of Team > Rocket's revenge!" JOEL: Ooh, I had that once. Stayed in the bathroom for about a week. > "Split up! They can't shoot all of us at once!" Devan called out. Huge > pillars of sand shot up all around them as blasterballs exploded into the > sand. Garrett, Devan, and Jennifer each swerved off in different > directions as Jessie and James continued to pelt the landscape with > bombs. TOM: Joel, is it wrong I want to see pre-teens blown up? JOEL: No, Tom, you want to see Team Revelation blown up. And that's a perfectly normal thing for a child your age to be thinking about. TOM: Oh, good. > *Chapter 3* > "Ok, let's see what Ryan has to say on the issue." Mack joked, taking > the gag out of Ryan's mouth. "Ok, Mr. 'Charlie Church', tell me > something. JOEL: Charlie Church, Tommy Temple, and Monty Mosque in... MORAL COMBAT! > Ya' see, I say that Zack here looks like a preppy, > short-haired girl-" CROW: So... James Rocket. > Mack was cut off by a furious Zack. JOEL: Who was on the attack! > "I look absolutely nothing like a girl! CROW : So what if I'm wearing a fishnets and a bra, huh? What, you think there's something *unmanly* about that?! Huh?! > So my hairs blond, so what?! JOEL: ... wait, all blond men look like women? CROW: Hey, it works for RuPaul. JOEL: ... but he's black and wears a wig. CROW: So? > Besides, what are you asking this scum for, anyway?" > "Calm down... sister." Zack clenched his fists and gave Mack what Ryan > believed was the dirtiest look in the universe. TOM : Grrrr! GRRRR! CROW: Ryan, sadly, was wrong. The dirtiest look in the universe was occurring in a lemon two stories over. > "I just wanted to hear > what he had to say on the topic." He turned to face Ryan. "So, what about > it, 'Charlie'?" JOEL: Guys, check me on this... how many villains like to get comments on gender confusion from the heroes they kidnap? TOM: Um... none that I know of. CROW: But some should. Like the Sailor Scouts' villains, someone really needs to have an intervention for those guys. TOM: Oh, yeah, I hear ya. > Ryan took a breath, gained what little composure he could, then faced > the question. CROW : I'll take gender confusion for 500. JOEL: Yes, tell us, Ryan, what's God's view on effeminate-looking men? > "He's exactly who God made him to be. Besides, God doesn't look at your > outward appearance or what you've done with your life, he looks at who > you are inside." TOM : So you're screwed either way. > Mack broke down in laughter. Determined, Ryan continued. > "Besides, only someone under Satan's control would judge others based on > their appearances." JOEL : Well, check that, Satan and Joan Rivers. CROW: So every modeling business in the world is going to hell, hell, HELL! > Mack sternly broke out of his fit of laughter. He wasted no time > slugging Ryan across the face. Blood flowed out of the wound on the left > side of his face. TOM: Followed by water. CROW: Mack knows the secret art of Fist of the North Star punching! JOEL: You know, on one hand it's big mean people beating up a teenager. On the other, it's cardboard villains beating an annoying SI. My feelings are very distinctly mixed. CROW: Oh, just sit back and enjoy it while you can, Joel. > "Hey, cool it Mack!" Zack said as Mack wound up for another punch. "You > asked for his opinion and he gave it. Besides, he dies and Mary finds out > you did it, you'll be six feet under in ten seconds flat." TOM : Remember, six feet in ten seconds, or the next murder's FREE! > "You little snitch. Is that all it takes to turn you against us, some > lame compliments and religious mumbo-jumbo?!" Mack turned to face Ryan. > "When Mary gives the word to kill you, you little (this word is censored > out), I'll be the one who pulls the trigger." JOEL: A self-censoring fic. How polite. CROW: I dunno, I think this fic could seriously use some (this word censored out) dialogue. TOM: Crow, he'd just pull stuff out of his (anatomical reference). CROW: That's (rude word for copulation) true. > "You'd just be doing me a favor Mack. For me, life and death are > win/win, for you it's win/lose." TOM: ... or draw! JOEL : You can't win, Mack. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. > At that, Mack stuffed the gag back in > his mouth. CROW: Yeah! Go, Mack! You rule! > Ryan knew he was scared. JOEL: For he had mastered the art of self-telepathy. > His life could easily be ended without a > moments notice. The only reason he was still alive was that Bloody Mary > thought she could get information out of him. She would be sadly > disappointed, though. TOM: Ryan was, after all, sharp as a bag of doorknobs. > But despite the facts, despite the fact that he was > bleeding by the pint, JOEL: ... Ryan got hit *once*. He got punched, once. CROW: Edgerton's got all the strength and stamina of Andy Kaufman. > despite the fact that the Rocket Five held his life > in their twisted, evil hands, he felt oddly calm, like being in shock. > Where was this peace coming from? TOM: A concussion or blood loss, take your pick. CROW : I'm trippin' on *God*, man. > "Der in position!" Meowth called out. JOEL: ... Meowth is German? TOM: He is "Das Kat-Typen." > "Use the secret weapon!" James yelled back. JOEL : Alright! GO, RICHARD SIMMONS! CROW: If it turns out to be the dreaded Jynx Flash, I am SO out of here. > Out of the cannon on the underside of the balloon shot a huge, > flat-point missel. Team Revelation never even saw it coming. At barely a > foot above their heads, the misslel exploded, propelling a large net onto > them. TOM: ... a net. > Devan and Jennifer were trapped. JOEL: God kinda dropped the ball on this one, didn't he? > "Meowth, I can't believe you missed them!" Jessie screeched. > "I didn't miss! Der's only one of dem left." Meowth retaliated. CROW: THRILL as Meowth and Jessie debate semantics!! TOM: Meowth's Metronoming a new accent every line... > Garrett came under heavy blasterball attack, kicking up sand all around > him. More than once he came within inches of being struck head-on. > Suddenly, a pillar of sand exploded right underneath Garrett's > hoverboard, sending him flying straight into the sand. Unfortunately, the > impact knocked him unconscious. JOEL: No, I find it quite fortunate CROW: God later had the Pillar of Sand Lifesaving Device recalled for malfunctioning. > "Garrett!" Jenna called out to her injured brother. "No!" TOM : Damn it, if he'd die I'd get more storytime! JOEL: Must fight urge... to shout... 'Kaneda!'... > "We have to get out of here!" Devan called, grabbing his Pokeball with > Abra in it. CROW : Abra, Abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya! > "We can't leave Garrett!" > "We can't help him if we're caught, too. Abra, Teleport us to safety!" TOM : Actually, this seems like a good time to renegotiate my pay scale... > With a flash of light, Devan and Jennifer vanished. Team Rocket looked > on in disbelief. JOEL: My God, Team Rocket managed to screw up without getting hurt! CROW: Just wait for it. Someone will accidentally eat a blasterball or something. > "What da-! Where'd day' go!?!" Meowth screeched. JOEL: Why, they're as elusive as Robert Denby! TOM: And now it's Jamaican Meowth again! o/` Day go! Day go! Abra come and take dem home! o/` > "They just disappeared, like ghosts!" James wailed, clinging to Jessie > in fear. CROW: "In fear". Sure. TOM: Arrgh! It's a freaking ABRA! What else do they do besides Teleport?! > "Da boss ain't' gonna be too happy when we come back empty handed...!" JOEL: Wow, Edgerton must've blown half his budget on all these accents for Meowth. > Meowth began to panic while Jessie pried James off of her. JOEL: Meowth, get the crowbar. CROW: John Hurst? JOEL: What? CROW: Nothing, nevermind. > "Don't worry, we've still got that one." Jessie said, pointing to > Garrett sprawled out on the sand below. "We'll load him and his flying > surfboard on board and bring him back to the boss as a surprise gift." TOM : He can pop out of a cake and sing! JOEL: Man, if Giovanni thought Togepi was a crap-ass gift he's gonna *love* this... > "We might even get a raise!" James beamed, dollar signs in his eyes. > "I'll grab da brat, yous two get ready fer plan B." Meowth said. JOEL: Meowth is starting to sound like a cross between Arnold Schwartzenegger and Big Vito. CROW: Plan B? Have they assumed Plan A will fail already? TOM: Hey, they're finally learning. > As the Rocket balloon, with Garrett tied up inside, floated off into the > distance, Jessie and James made their way off across the desert. They > were on a mission of vengeance and nothing was going to get in their way. JOEL: Except for storms and Fearows and dangerous icky things. > Devan woke up with a mouthful of sand. Jennifer was on the ground next > to him, spewing sand out of her mouth. The sun had risen, and morning was > in the air. TOM: At 432 parts per billion. > Devan began remembering what had happened and nearly broke > down in tears, realizing that his twin brother Garrett could be in mortal > danger or even dead. Jennifer cleaned herself of sand, then knelt by her > brother. Together, sand mixing with tears, they prayed for their > brother's safety. CROW: Then the tide came in, which was God's way of telling them to "suck it up, losers." JOEL [sighs]: I know I should be insensitive here, too, but I just can't manage it. TOM: You feeling a little pity too, Joel? JOEL [wincing]: No, indigestion. > Mary glared across the room at the kidnaped Ryan. She hated that > disgusting little 'altar boy'. Almost everyone she had ever interrogated > had told her everything she wanted to know when the threat of death was > used once. Ryan had come within inches of death and not told her a thing. TOM: Maybe when he comes within centimeters of death, he'll talk? CROW: Mary really needs to go into a less people-oriented profession. > He was everything that she despised: bold, self-sacrificing, true to his > cause when it had nothing to benefit him, and worse off, he had no fear > of death. JOEL : Curse your stupid ol' principles and nobility and stuff! > And, like this kid was a curse or something, he was also the > one thing Mary hated most in the entire world. > Christian! TOM: And she feels this way because... CROW : Lousy Christ, going around dying for our sins... I liked my sins! > "I have a good mind to kill you right now, 'altar boy'." She screamed. TOM: Ahh, she never really means it when she calls him pet names. > "A good mind? Ha! That's rich!" Ryan defiantly blurted out. "All you > ever think about is evil." JOEL : Not true! Sometimes I think about chocolate! > "Shut up! Now, I'll ask you one more time,... how do the hoverboards > work? CROW: If he says "faith," I swear I'll scream. TOM : Well, you stand on them, and then they float! Neat, huh? > If you don't tell me, I will kill you." JOEL: Of course, Mary. He's 13 years old, of course he has vast technical knowledge AND can explain it. Someone else couldn't *possibly* have made it... > "And my last words will be 'thank you'. You can't win, Mary. God already > has a mansion picked out for me. CROW : It's in Malibu and it overlooks the beach! JOEL: Ryan Edgerton quoting Jack Chick. I'm pretty sure the saints are weeping tears of blood right now. > Kill me, and I'll just get my reward > sooner. You'd just be doing me a favor." TOM: Mary shrugged, then killed him. Everybody was happy. The End. > "AAH! SHUT UP! I've had enough of you and your stupid Jesus talk! If I > hear you say 'Jesus' one more time I'll-" CROW : JesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesusJesus! > "You'll what? Threaten to feed me to your Garados again? Don't make me > laugh!" JOEL : I'm so clogged full of preservatives, he wouldn't last a day after! TOM: Y'know, most Christians brave enough to laugh in the face of being fed to wild animals actually ended up getting FED to wild animals... CROW: I'm not hopeful on that front. > Mary had had enough. Without so much as a second thought, she punched > Ryan right in the stomach. Ryan groaned in pain, having lost the energy > to scream hours ago. She hit him again, this time hitting his head. BOTS [chanting]: HARDER! HARDER! HIT HIM HARDER! JOEL [covering ears]: I *refuse* to enjoy this... > She > beat him repeatedly, barely able to restrain from using the weapon at her > side. When at last Ryan screamed out in pure agony, even Mack heard it > loud and clear. Ryan slumped over on his side, unconscious. CROW: ... you know, guys, we've seen a lot of weird things up here, but I think this may yet be the weirdest: our first official Passion rip-off. TOM: "The Last Temptation of Ryan Edgerton." Hate to admit it, but that's got a ring to it... JOEL: Pfeh, let's see him turn a Water Gun into a Wine Attack. Then I'll believe. > "Where's your God now, twerp?" Mary said, grinning in victory. CROW: "Suddenly, a very large finger tapped Mary's shoulder..." TOM: Y'know, in the first fic Team Revelation proved God existed because they kicked ass. Why the sudden change? JOEL: Oh, they're just delaying it. Watch, they'll start smiting people any minute now. > Garrett's entire body ached. How long had he been out? He tried to move, > but suddenly realized that his hands and feet were tied. TOM: How do you "suddenly" realize that? CROW : Funny, I don't remember paying anyone to do this lately ... > "Morning, sunshine." Meowth said sarcastically. "Sleep well?" ALL: ... [Absolute silence ensues in the theater.] CROW: Wow. All kinds of things we can say here, and not one of them isn't wrong. > "Very funny, Meowth. Untie me right now!" Garrett screamed out the last > two words. TOM: *How*?! He's got a gag in his mouth... > "Why do da good gusy's always say dat when it's obvious I'm not gonna > untie ya?" CROW : The hope that you're as stupid as you seem in the show. > "Untie me, now!" Garrett yelled. JOEL: Someone tap the needle, Garrett's skipping again. > "Not a chance." Meowth yelled back, heading for the controls of the > balloon. TOM: So... Meowth moved about, what, a foot or so away? > Garrett looked around, searching for his Pokeballs. There was > one box in the corner that might contain his lost Pokemon. Unfortunately, > the box was locked with a padlock. He had to find a way out of here. CROW [brightly]: You could go over the side, Garrett! JOEL: He'd pray, and then land on a convenient air mattress factory's outdoor showroom. CROW: ... I can't have *any* fun around you, can I? JOEL: Not really, no. > Meanwhile, Devan and Jennifer were jetting across open water, trying > desperately to get to Cinnabar Island. Cassidy and Butch were there best > chance of rescuing Garrett. Suddenly, their hoverboards began to lose > altitude. TOM : Great. Jennifer, did YOU bring the dilithium? > Surfacing up out of the water, a huge Garados stared at them, not > moving. Jutting out of it's back was a huge electro magnet. Even with > their hoverboards plunging into the water it was obvious this wasn't a > real Garados. CROW: *Gee*, I wonder what tipped them off... JOEL: Now, be fair. Team Rocket would actually build something like that, and chances are the main characters wouldn't notice until 20 minutes into the show. > The submarine sped towards them, it's mouth open in order to capture > them. Jennifer struggled to keep Evee from drowning TOM: I think she should nickname the Eevee "Load." > while Devan counter-attacked Team Rocket's imposing threat. JOEL: ... huh. Well, there's four words I never expected to see in the same sentence... > "Haunter! Stop that submarine!" The Pokemon shot out of it's Pokeball > and slipped unnoticed into the Garados-shaped sub. CROW: Haunter's extensive knowledge of sub electronics would finally come in handy! > When it was almost > about to over take them, the sub suddenly drifted to a stop. TOM: James didn't relish the thought of being made to walk to this nearest gas station. > Laying flat on their hoverboards, Devan and Jenna paddled over to the > sub. After opening the main hatch and going inside, they found Team > Rocket asleep at the controls. JOEL: Guess Haunter replaced their regular coffee with decaf. > Haunter floated in mid-air just to the > left of them, looking very proud of itself. CROW : I started preaching to them. Out like a light! > "Good job, Haunt-chan! ALL: ... TOM: ... 'Haunt-chan'. JOEL: Yeah... Haunt-chan, pretty much. TOM: ... we really will hear "God-chan" before all this is over, won't we? JOEL [sighs]: Probably. TOM [voice cracking]: ... hold me, Joel. JOEL: I'm here for ya, buddy. [Joel puts a comforting arm around Tom.] >We'll take things from here." Devan called > Haunter back into it's Pokeball, then started dragging James away from > the ship's main controls. "What are you doing?" Jennifer asked from >behind him. James began to mumble in his sleep. CROW : You know, we're really going to have to tell him about the Sin of Sodom when he wakes up... > "Grab Jessie and we'll put them both in the back. We can use this sub to > get to Cinnabar until our hoverboards' power cells recharge. Then we can > hand this sub and Team Rocket over to the authorities." JOEL: Keep the sub, man! It's the sub, chicks dig the sub! > "Did you think up this plan before, or after the sub surfaced." Jennifer > joked. TOM : Guhh... after? > "Very funny. Now, grab Jessie and help me find some rope." > > *Chapter 4* > A very far ways away, Ash, Misty, and Brock JOEL [gasps]: Oh my gosh! Crow, look! CROW [giddy]: I know! It's the actual protagonists! > reached the Pokemon center in Rilian city. JOEL: Rilian... doesn't that help with ADD? >Rillian was a small, out-of-the-way type of place, so Ash > never expected to receive a phone call from- TOM [deep]: - GOD. > "Professor Oak! How are you?" JOEL : Disaffected, and praising Gary. Why? > "Listen carefully, Ash. Do you remember what I told you about Team > Revelation?" TOM : They're religious knobs. And? JOEL: Ah, Professor Oak, from the Bookshire Draftwood College of Supporting Characters. > "Yeah, I remember." > "Well, they're in a lot of trouble and it's far more than double!" CROW : It's triple, even! TOM : So we wait and disavow all knowledge, right? > "Not you too, Professor!" Ash said, remembering the hundreds, if not > thousands of times he'd heard the Team Rocket motto over and over and > over... CROW: Joel, go hit the fanfic, now *it's* skipping. > "Never mind, Ash! The point is that all of Ryan's Pokemon just dug their > way out of the ground and into the middle of my flower garden!" TOM: And Oak wants Ash and them to do.... what? JOEL : They wrecked my good weed, man! > "Flower garden?" TOM : It's a garden full of flowers, but that isn't important right now! > "I have to do something with my spare time, but that's not the point! > The point is that Team Revelation is in trouble!" JOEL : So? > "Professor, we were over that five minutes ago." CROW : I went through mourning and RIGHT into acceptance. > "I know that! Anyway, I have a feeling that Team Rocket is involved in > all this. TOM : They have to be, we don't have any other villains! >Garrett's passing through your area right now. JOEL : He'll turn your yellow square blue, but don't think for a minute that makes you safe from the coiled, jumping snake! > Try to get in touch with him and find out what's going on." > "How do you know he's here?" CROW : Oh, I read the script. > "Well, that's rather simple. Their Pokedex's are equipt with emergency > tracking chips. TOM: They have the power of RADAR! JOEL: Wait, wait... why don't Ash and Gary's pokedexes have those? CROW: Duh, Joel. *They're* not this author's self-insertions. Let Tajiri and Miyamoto take care of those two losers! > Garrett's chip is active, meaning he might be in some > kind of trouble. I haven't gotten a signal from Ryan yet, but the team's > fate could very well be in your hands, Ash." TOM : So, like, we could do nothing and they'd be gone for good? > "Hey, it's dat brat and da Pikachu!" Meowth said, leaning over the side > of the balloon. That got Garrett's attention immediately. "Maybe I can > use da blasterballs-" CROW: You know, Meowth, some ointment could take care of that. > "ASH! HELP!" Garrett screamed at max volume. JOEL: ... blowing out Team Rocket's speakers. > "What the-?" Brock searched the skies and saw the Rocket balloon > descending upon them. "It's Team Rocket again!" TOM: Slow-moving, obvious, barely functional... I think the balloon is a metaphor. > "Team Rocket blasts of at da speed a light," Meowth said, doing his best > Jessie impression. "Surrender now, or prepare ta fight." He switched over > to James. "Meowth, dat's right!" He said, finally sounding like himself > again. JOEL: So Meowth is Rich Little? CROW: Even better! Meowth's Random Accent Generator is actually helping out the story! > "It's just Meowth." Ash and friends relaxed, realizing they weren't in > any real danger. JOEL: ... how'd that be any different if Jessie and James were there? > Up in the balloon, Meowth got a little sweat-drop. CROW: He decided to put it in his pocket and save it for later. > "Why does dis seem familiar?" He wondered out loud. TOM: Because it's happened.... once... twice... EVERY time you've tried this!! > "Pidgeotto, I choose you!" Ash called out, Pokeball flying. JOEL : Fly, monkeys! Fly! > "Go, Zubat!" Brock commanded. CROW : Listen you, we agreed that this was gonna be a completely level relationship... > "Staru, go!" Si-duck popped out of a Pokeball in Misty's backpack. "Not > you, Si-duck!" Si-duck looked disappointed and jumped back into the ball. JOEL : Si, si, si... TOM: SI-duck? Self-Insertion Duck? CROW: No, I think Edgerton's declared "Psi" and "Psy" unholy. > "This time,-go, Staru!" > Pidgeotto and Zubat soared up into the air towards the balloon. Meowth > saw them coming and began firing off blasterballs towards the two air > Pokemon. TOM: Wow. That'd bring a tear to the eye of Stephen Ratliff himself. > Pidgeotto darted in-between shots, aiming straight for the > balloon, while Zubat slowed down and began screeching out Supersonic > waves at Meowth. CROW: Celine Dion, in a role that might surprise you! > On the ground, Staru fired a pair of perfectly aimed > waterguns up at the huge cannons. While Meowth was still confused from > Supersonic, JOEL: Supersonic confuses me, too. I just never got their music. > the water blasts went straight up the nozzle of the cannons, > soaking the gunpowder and making the twin weapons useless. TOM: Exposed gunpowder? Geez, no wonder Team Rocket can survive getting blown up every episode. > "Dat does it! Now Meowth's mad!" The evil Pokemon strapped himself into > a hanglider and swooped down to intercept Pidgeotto in the air. JOEL: ... the *hell*?! TOM: Tell me that hang-glider didn't come out of a box marked "ACME"... CROW: ... I *swear*, I see one greasy inch of Ator and I am *so* out of here... > The rage > in his eyes was like an inferno! TOM: A 'SPIRIT INFERNO', perhaps? > "I worked hard to build dose cannons an > steal dat gunpowder and now yer gonna pay!" He went straight at Pidgeotto, > aiming to hit it head-on. Pidgeotto met the charge full force. "Pidgeotto! What > are you doing?!" JOEL: Looks like about 35 miles per hour to me. > Ash screamed. Pikachu bounced off his shoulder to watch the battle. TOM : Better 'n pro wrestling! > "I'm gonna eradicate every one a ya!" Meowth screamed in rage. Pidgeotto > niether swerved nor slowed to break out of it's course. CROW [sigh]: Yes, and? TOM: Meowth can't be murderous, he's not competent enough. It's like having Danny Kaye threaten your life. > At the last minute, Pidgeotto caught the wind going over the top of > Meowth's hanglider, barely evading the collision head-on. "Huh?" > Meowth, very confused, turned to see Pidgeotto gliding uninjured > towards the balloon. JOEL: Hang gliders, balloons... this is suddenly a Pilotwings story. > He looked forward again just in time to see > electricity shoot from Pikachu's cheeks. CROW: Pikachu was about to use his dread Electric Moon attack! > "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhh!" > Meowth screamed, anticipating the incoming Thunderbolt. TOM : Oh no! Pikachu is still several hundred feet away!! How will I dodge??? > Pidgeotto landed inside the basket of the balloon and looked around. It > spotted Garrett very quickly and hopped over to him. JOEL : What is it, Pidgeotto? What? Timmy fell into the well? > "Pidgoo?" Pidgeotto just stood there staring at Garrett for a minute. CROW: Pidgoo? Ew, gross. > "Um, Pidgeotto, could you do me a favor and get these ropes off?" > Garrett asked. Pidgeotto hopped around behind Garrett and bit off the > ropes around his arms. TOM: Pidgeotto's just lulling him into a false sense of security, so it'll be easier when the time is right. > With his hands free now, Garrett reached over and > untied his legs. > > "Wha..." The world around him slowly faded into view as Meowth struggled > to remember what had happened. CROW: Scene transitions by Hideaki Anno. > Staring down at him were Ash, Brock, and Garrett. JOEL : ... geez, I must've gotten *really* wasted last night. > And f course Pikachu. Now it was coming back to him. CROW : ... Damn! And where'd this "Misty" tattoo come from?? > He tried to > get up, only to discover his hands and feet were tied to the ground. Now > it all came rushing back to him. TOM : Saigon. I can't believe I'm still in Saigon. > "Let Meowth go! Untie Meowth, now!" CROW: MEOWTH SMASH! JOEL : The Meowth says know your damn role and untie his ropes! > He hollered, trying to shake free the posts that held the ropes to the ground. > Garrett began to smirk. "Is this poetic justice or what?" Garrett said to no one in particular. CROW: I choose 'or what'. TOM: Garrett wouldn't know poetry if it slapped him in the face with a wet fish. JOEL: Unfortunately, Garrett didn't notice Ash and the others sneaking up on him, rope and blunt objects in hand... > Then he changed his voice to sound like Meowth. TOM: ... and now Garrett's Rich Little! > "Why do da bad guys > always say dat when it's obvious I'm not gonna untie ya?' Sound familiar, > Meowth?" CROW : You're... mocking me, aren't you? > "Dat ain't funny!" He screamed even louder than before. ALL: WE KNOW! CROW: ... and is it just me, or did Meowth turn into a Chinese Gangsta? JOEL: I dunno. He sounds more like an effeminate Jamaican to me... TOM: No... no on both counts, guys, we're back to Accent Number One. JOEL: How do you know? TOM: Remember that Claremont sequencer you installed in me a few months back? JOEL: ... oh! Right, glad it's still working. > "It is from where I'm standing." Ash began to smirk, too. CROW: Petty cruelty! Try some today. > From somewhere Meowth couldn't see, Misty interrupted. JOEL : And now, a few words from our sponsor! > "If I remember correctly, cats hate water. Starmie, Staru, Si-duck, go!" > The sound of three Pokeballs opening was heard, followed by three > different Pokemon calls. TOM: ... I've never seen Psyduck use any sort of water attack. CROW: Remember the Golden Shower move from Primal Rage, Servo? My money's on Psyduck doing his impression of it soon. JOEL [sighs]: I miss Mary beating Ryan. > "Wwwha!" > "Kia!" CROW: Hi-KEEBA! JOEL: GyyyymKATA! TOM: Sentai Pokemon, IKUZOOOO! > "Si, Si-duck!" CROW: Si duck. Si duck swim. Si duck walk. > Now Meowth REALLY started struggling. He HATED water, especially wet > water! JOEL: But that dry water he could handle just fine. >Worse, there was nowhere for him to run. TOM: Well, there's lots of places for him to *run*, it's just *getting* there that's the problem. > "Listen up, Meowth. If you don't want to get drenched, I suggest you > tell us everything." Brock prodded. CROW: Confess, or we will make you *soggy*! JOEL : Well, if ya insist. In da beginning, God created da heavens and de oit'. An' de oit' was wit'out form an' void, an' darkness was upon da face of da deep-- TOM : You can stop now. > *Chapter 5* > Ryan felt ready to collapse. JOEL: He's not the only one. How long *is* this thing? > This kind of physical and mental abuse was > starting to take it's toll on him. He desperately needed some fresh air. CROW : By this time, my lungs were aching for air. > The sock in his mouth made him want to vomit. His entire body was > constantly switching between totally numb and burningly sore. He'd been > unable to move for almost a day. TOM: The whole trip to "Jumping Jessie's House of Discipline" seemed to have not been such a good idea. > By now he probably had callouses on his > arms from the rope. He was worried about Garrett, Devan, and Jennifer. > When would this nightmare ever end. JOEL: When the author is done, Ryan. > Mary had given up trying to intimidate Ryan and had decided on more > subtle ways of interrogation. CROW: Or maybe she's just ignoring him. > She sat at the table in the corner, > drinking out of an ice cold water bottle and playing Poker with her > brothers. TOM : Must resist... siren call of gambling.... must not give in... JOEL: Ice water! That relentless fiend! > Ryan, however, would not turn traitor. Nothing Mary could do to > him would make him tell her anything. CROW: Well, with a sock stuffed in his mouth, it's not like she could understand him if he DID say anything. > However, his fate seemed sealed. He thought of every possible means of > escape and found it to be useless. JOEL: Every possible means being "maybe someone will come to rescue me." > The Rocket Five had covered all their bases. TOM: Leaving themselves wide open for the bloop single to shallow left center! > His chair was bolted to the floor, he couldn't reach his Pokedex > no matter how hard he tried, CROW: Uh, why would he want his Pokedex? TOM : Ryan! A - dying type - trainer! JOEL: I think his Pokedex has a neato laser built into it, like NiCoLE. CROW: ... Joel, don't give him ideas. > and the ropes were extremely thick. His > uniform was stained with his own blood, and he could barely hold his head > up to look around. He barely had enough energy to pray. TOM : LOUDER, DAMMIT! Louder or I *won't* save you! CROW: Ryan needs to get his praying electrolytes back with some nice refreshing Gatorade! > "Mary," Tack asked. "What are we gonna do if Ryan won't talk?" JOEL : Kill him. Duh. After all, we all hate him for no adequately described reason. > "Tack, Tack, Tack, TOM: Tic, Tic, Tic. JOEL: Toe, Toe, Toe. CROW: Tack Tack bo back fanana fana bo back, me my mo mack... TACK! > it's really quite simple. If we can't make him talk, > we'll make an example out of him. TOM : He's already been an example of bad writing and self-righteous SI! What more can we do?! > That's why we're heading back towards > that outdoor concert." Mary explained. CROW : After all, the more people who know we have him, the more drastically his chances of getting rescued plummet! Hahahha-- wait a minute. > "Oh..." > "Mary," Jack interjected. He and Mack had traded places a few hours ago, > so now Jack was in the back with them. "What if we used 'Bible boy' over > there to draw the other three out into the open, then kill them all at > once?" JOEL Then it'd be five-on-four instead of five-on-one, and... um... you're going to hit me again, aren't you? > Mary considered the idea for a while. It had been some time since she'd > fought a group of trainers to the death. And those had been Team Rocket > members who wanted her job. Besides, this whole kidnaping rap was getting > old, fast. TOM: I agree *completely*. CROW: Yeah, Mary really needs to diversify her portfolio of evil. JOEL [loud]: Are you ready for the Kidnaping Rap? Gotta kidnap 'em all!! > "Jack, that's the best idea you've ever had. Tell Cassidy and Butch to > send the two brats left back to the concert. I'll compensate them for the > bombs and traps they got to knock them off, plus a little bonus. CROW: Well, it's good to know Team Rocket reimburses individual murderers for their operational expenses. > I think > their choice of the spoils will be sufficient." Mary said with an evil > grin. TOM: *WHAT* spoils?! CROW: Well, there's the baby Eevee, the Weedle, the ... umm ... > Jack pulled out a cell phone and began dialing. JOEL : Yeah, that'll be pepperoni on one side and sausage on the other... what's this come to? > "Only two?" Zack inquired. > "Apparently know-nothing Jessie got lucky. She and..." Mary said the > next word with a hint of dreamyness in her voice. "...James...managed to > nab one of the little twerps when they were on their way to Cinnabar. ALL: ... CROW: She's got a crush on *James*? TOM: Talk about the Impossible Dream... > She finally managed to do something right." > > "Where have you been?" Cassidy questioned her partner. "You only got on > that cell phone twenty minutes ago!" JOEL : I was calling 1-900-SPANKME! Wanna make something of it?! > Butch grinned at her. She took that to mean it had been well worth it. CROW: She did that because it saved the author from having to actually write dialogue that made it clear. > "Bloody Mary wants to strike a deal with us. She want's Team Revelation > all to herself." JOEL: Fine with me. CROW: Yeah, she can *keep* them! > "I saw that coming." > > "She'll pay us the price of all our equipment, plus we each get our > choice of one of their Pokemon." TOM: Sadly, Butch and Cassidy quickly knifed each other in a quarrel over who'd get the baby Eevee. > "We can keep the ammo, or not?" > "Keep." JOEL [mellow]: ... on truckin'. CROW: Since when did Butch and Cassidy start talking like a pair of west side street hoods? TOM: I dunno. I'm just glad we're not getting shorted on the intimate details of Team Rocket's equipment and expense reimbursement policies. That's what I read for, y'know? CROW: ... you're being sarcastic, right? TOM: ... bite me, Crow. > "Tell her she has a deal." Cassidy grinned evily. "We can get rid of > Team Revelation, and we get paid for it!" JOEL : And to think we used to commit murder for *coupons*! > "And Mary's doing all the dirty work for us!" They high-fived each > other, then went to work. CROW : DY-NO-MITE! > "Hey! Let us out of here! This is OUR sub!" Jessie screamed while James > just out and out whined. "You can't do this to us! We're Champion Team > Rocket!" JOEL : o/` Weeeeee are the Chaaaaampions, my friends.... o/` TOM: "Champion Team Rocket" ... champions at *what*? The Innocuous Distraction Division? CROW: Probably the Cross-Dressing Division. TOM: Ah, right. > "Look, Jessie, I can't say this any nicer so forgive me if I offend you, > but WOULD YOU PUT A CORK IN IT!" Devan said from the forward controls. > "Don't make me duc-tape your mouths shut." CROW: DO IT! DO IT! TOM: Then do it to yourselves! CROW: Yeah! JOEL: Boys... > "I dare you to come over here and try it!" Jessie challenged. TOM : Foul seductress! I know your wiles well! You're trying to lure me into *dancing*! > Devan decided to ignore her. He and Jennifer still had a lot of peddling > to do to get to Cinnabar. CROW: Oh, is it Jessie they're peddling? That could be fun! > Besides, if they became a real nuisance he > could put them back to sleep with Haunter's Hypnosis. Why in the world > didn't Jessie and James install a motor in this contraption? JOEL: Maybe they're closet Amish. > After hours of peddling and a chat with Officer Jenny, Devan finally > found the place where he was to meet with Cassidy and Butch. It was a > really creepy old place, the burned out walls and crater-filled floor > were both stained and covered in sut. CROW: Oh, and pentagrams and such. TOM: Wait, it was covered in *what*? JOEL: Suet. It was being renovated into a Pidgeot-feeder. > It looked like a shadowy mountain against the setting sun. > Gathering his courage, Devan stepped inside. Not > only did the place look like it was falling apart, but it was also very > poorly illuminated. CROW : You fiends! You could at least have the decency to install some track lighting! > And out of the shadows stepped two ominous, > two-timing villains with both a taste for blood and an agenda all their > own. JOEL: Oh, and Butch and Cassidy were there, too. > "I was starting to think you wouldn't show up." Butch casually stated. TOM : Your dinner is cold! And after I was slaving over it *all day*.... > "Here's your sister? JOEL: Here's your NEW SISTER! BOTS: [crowd noise] > I was hoping she'd be here for this." Cassidy added. > "She's out dealing with Jessie and James. I need your help-" Devan was > cut off by a very vengeful Butch. CROW : Gotta make sure I don't forget to mention that Butch is EVIL! > "If you ever want to see your brothers alive again, I suggest you go > back to that little concert of yours." TOM : Uhh... mister? It ended about two days ago. > "What the- what have you done with them?" JOEL : We used them as bait to lure the remain-- um... we, uh, gave them a nice lunch, and... > "We've done nothing, little boy." Cassidy responded. "However, I hear > the Rocket Five have a little agenda of their own." > Devan turned to leave, but Cassidy called back to him > "Don't keep Mary waiting. She has a very short fuse." > > Ryan struggled harder than ever before. TOM: Despite being exhausted and tired and hungry and having no energy and stuff. > He couldn't let the Rocket Five > use him like bait to kill his family. There had to be a way, something he > could do to get out of here. CROW: Well, seeing as how you've already tried "every possible means of escape," I guess you're screwed, dude. > He searched the room, hoping to find > something to break the ropes. A pile of assorted projectile weapons lay > in a huge wooden box in the corner, away from the Rocket Five's line of > sight. TOM : Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! Call forth Brother Maynard! JOEL: So... what's he's planning to do, shoot himself? CROW: Too bad the joke's on Ryan. Those are Nerf dart-launchers for the annual Team Rocket company picnic! > Too far to be of any use unless he could break free. > Suddenly, Ryan spotted a potential break. A Metapod sat in the cage > behind him. ALL: ... JOEL: ... how is a Metapod in a cage any more useful than, say, a rock in a cage? TOM : Look, there's a metapod in a cage! Right next to the Charmander with the hacksaw on its back! CROW : Metapod! A - plot device - pokemon! > He remembered hearing somewhere that Metapod's can sometimes > know Tackle and String Shot instead of Harden. JOEL: However, due to a cruel twist of fate, this wasn't one of those Metapods. > If Metapod could get close > enough to one of Ryan's Pokeballs, it could become energy, zap into the > Pokeball, then jump back out again. CROW: I've gotta admit, that's a brilliant piece of planning on Ryan's part. Too bad Metapods *can't move* or anything... > Then, if it could move that well, it > could get in between the ropes and the back of the chair and snap the > rope out of sheer force. JOEL: Escape plan contributed by Rube Goldberg. > It was a plan based on assumption, and even if > it worked it would be tight for a while in more ways than one, >but it was his only shot. TOM: ... I think he has a better chance of breaking free by drooling copiously and waiting for the ropes to weaken and dissolve from the moisture. CROW: Well, I admit, it's as ingenious as his current plan... > Besides, why would the Rocket Five have stolen a Metapod > if they didn't think it was special? TOM: Because they'll take ANYTHING?! CROW: Or because they hijacked a truck full of already captured Pokemon? JOEL: You know it's bad when the author isn't even paying any attention to his backstory. >With some effort, Ryan spit the gag out of his mouth. TOM: Which smacked Mary in the back of the head, alerting her to his foolish meddling. > "Metapod," Ryan whispered to the Pokemon. "If you can get me out of > this, I'll try and get you out, too. Just touch my Pokeball and you'll be > out of the cage." JOEL : "Just touch my Pokeball..." Sure, I've heard *that* line before. TOM: Probably how they captured it. > Ryan leaned as far as the ropes would allow towards > Metapod. CROW: And then remembered that his Pokeballs were on the other side of the room. > "Meta." The cocoon Pokemon responded, which Ryan could only hope meant > 'yes'. TOM : No, it meant that you were only conceived because your mother crept up on the Snorlax while it was asleep. > Slowly, but steadily, it moved to the edge of the cage. "Yes!" > Ryan thought to himself. "That means it does know Tackle!". JOEL: Actually, it just means the truck's going uphill. > After touching the Pokeball twice it dematerialized inside. TOM: Um...how did Ryan get the Pokeball out of his pocket? > Ryan flinched when > he heard how loud the sound was. Luckily, Mary and her brothers were too > engrossed in their Poker game to notice. CROW : Tee-hee! Cards are so pretty... > Metapod jumped out of the > Pokeball and re-materialized, then inched it's way up to the back of > Ryan's neck. TOM: HOW DID METAPOD GET OUT OF THE... grr... oh, just forget it! I don't care anymore! > It wedged between the ropes and began to Harden, very much > to Ryan's surprise, it's shell pushing full force against the back of the > metal chair. ALL: ... JOEL: Erm... TOM: ... we're seeing a Metapod, behind Ryan, using Harden... CROW: Edgerton's *daring* us. JOEL: *ahem* No joke could possibly be made about 'Harden' that's funnier than the passage itself. TOM: What about something like 'The rigid hardening Metapod inched its...' JOEL: I don't think we need to go mixing Pokemon and Freud, honey. TOM: Oh, fine. > After anxious moments of waiting, the ropes snapped off in a > huge crack. Ryan wasn't fortunate enough for the Rocket Five to ignore > that. He barely had time to catch his breath before dodging out of sight. CROW: Out of sight... where, exactly? JOEL: And won't they notice he's gone anyway? TOM: It's the power of faith, guys. CROW: So... he can barely pray, but he *can* run. TOM: Exactly. CROW: That sounds more like a plot hole to me, Servo. TOM: Same difference. > "What as that?" Asked Zack. Then he saw the empty chair and the broken > ropes. "What the- the kid's lose!" JOEL [sighs]: Chances are, that Metapod will never see Ryan's pokeballs again. CROW: ... Joel? JOEL: What? > "How in the world did the little freak get lose?" Mary yelled, pushing > aside her chair and grabbing her mace. "Well don't just stand there, find > him!" TOM : And keep acting like generic evil people! Don't look in any nooks, closets, or around corners! Just run around yelling! > The truck was suddenly rocked by a huge explosion as smoke filled the > cabin. A sound like a jet taking off was heard near the left wall. CROW : Tack! Lay off the beans! > As the smoke cleared, Mary stared at the huge hole in the truck wall. JOEL : Maybe we should leave the safety on the rocket launcher next time... TOM: ... y'know, any explosion that can do THAT would probably blow up Ryan, too... CROW: Faith, Tom. TOM: Right, right. > The hoverboard and gravity inhibitor were nowhere to be seen, and just above > the top of the tree line, growingmore distant by the second, was the > shadowed form of a hoverboard, a rider, and a Metapod. Mary cursed loudly. JOEL : Buggrit! Millennium hand and shrimp! > "All right! So much for the Rocket Five!" Ryan yelled, adrenaline from > the escape making him feel emotionally strong again. Then he spoke to the > Metapod in his arms. TOM: ... he feels emotionally strong while cradling his Metapod. JOEL: I'm not sure you kids are old enough for this yet... >"Thanks, Metapod. I owe you bigtime." CROW : Snausage? > "Meta." TOM: ...-concept? JOEL: ...-MiSTing? CROW: ...-mucil? > "So, what do you think of flying? Bet you can't wait to fly on your > own." TOM : Actually, I have a fear of heights... > "Meta." > "Not much of a talker, are you?" CROW : I'm a *COCOON*, for Christ's sake! ... oops! I mean... Meta. > Suddenly, in place of the 'Meta' he had expected, Ryan heard a huge roar > from behind him. Looking back, Ryan saw, soaring over the trees with > gravity-defying ease, a huge Garados roaring in rage. On it's head road > the Queen of mean, Bloody Mary. JOEL: So, just what kind of road are we talking about? Footpath, highway, cobblestone street? > Not far behind was an enormous Charizard. > "What in the world!" Ryan grabbed his Pokedex and aimed the scanner at > Garados. TOM : You're screwed, buddy. Just give up now. > "Garados, a flying/dragon Pokemon. It's scales are as hard as steel and > it's jaws can break stone. Handle with extreme caution." JOEL : Dammit, you're supposed to tell me how to beat it! TOM : Insert 50 cents for more information... CROW: On that note, I say *we* escape, too. JOEL: Good idea. C'mon, Tom... [Joel picks up Tom and carries him out of the theater. Crow follows.] [1-2-3-4-5-6] [SOL Bridge. We see everyone gathered around the top of the control panel. Tom and Crow have official-looking papers taped into their hands. So does Joel. Gypsy is also present, standing slightly behind Crow. An official looking paper is laying in front of her on the console.] CROW: I still don't know about this whole 'Last Will and Testament' thing, Joel. Isn't it just a little morbid? JOEL: Well... yeah, I guess so, but we also only have an hour left to live, so it's kind of necessary. CROW: I *guess* so... but what if the wills get destroyed in the crash? And wouldn't our stuff also get destroyed in the crash? And what if, by some fluke of fate, we *don't* die, but instead miraculously survive and make our way to a dingy one-room apartment somewhere in, I don't know, Wisconsin? What *then*? TOM: ... JOEL: ...the strain's gotten to you, Crow. Anyway, I think we should read our wills out to each other, so we know what each other's last wishes are, and so we can also suggest any helpful revisions to what must have been a hastily written document. Servo? TOM: Ready as I'll ever be, Joel. *Ahem*... "This is the last will and testament of Thomas Neville Servo, who is of both incredibly sound mind, and has a body so sound that several ladies' publications have to be denied the rights to take pictures of it clad in nothing but a fedora and a mechanical smile." JOEL: Um, Tom... TOM [continuing obliviously]: "Upon my death, I hereby decree that my property shall be disposed of as follows: my many clones of myself I leave to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, so that the lives of sick little children everywhere may be brightened by the joy that is Tom Servo. My flamethrower, I hereby leave to Diane Sawyer, in the hopes that she will manage to set herself on fire with it. My Interocitor, I leave to Brak, for a I feel no one else will have the ability to appreciate its sheer technical artistry. My whiteboard and marker I leave to Oliver Stone, so that he may elaborate upon further conspiracy theories upon it rather than using them as the basis for his overblown and overrated movies, especially JFK and Nixon which were both too long and too dry to be sufficiently enjoyable. That is all. In witness thereof, I have hereunto set my hand and seal, this seventeenth day of July, in the year of our Lord, one thousand seven hundred and eighty-eight. May God bless you all, and may you somehow find peace in a World Without Tom Servo." There, Joel, how's that? JOEL: Well... a little long-winded, but it gets the point across. Good job, Tom! Crow, do you wanna go now? CROW: Sure, it's not like there's anything *better* I can do with my last hour alive. *Ahem*... "This is the Last Will of Crow T. Robot, so all you little vultures who have just been waiting for me to kick off so you can get your greedy mitts on *my* stuff can finally quit salivating like the Pavlovian dogs you are and listen up. First off, I've got bad news for you leeches... I don't care what they say, I *am* taking my chicken puppet with me! So there! I hereby leave my broken window to *Debbie*, so she can think about all the swingin' times she could've had with me if she'd been able to recognize a good thing while it was there! My time machine I leave to the Pauli Institute, that all may marvel at my posthumous genius." TOM: ... hey, wait a minute! That was MY time machine, you little... CROW: Who's writing the will, Tommy, you or me? JOEL: We'll see about the time machine before we die, kids. Go on, Crow, finish your will... but it's a little standoffish, don't you think? CROW: Hah! You're just seeing the *PG* rated version, Robinson! "Joey the Lemur, I hereby leave to Kim Catrall, as a sign of the pure and true love that we once shared. My costumes and Space Child eyes I leave to Industrial Light and Magic, so you *bastards* will realize that CGI *does not make a movie*! My baseball glove I leave to Tiger Woods - learn how to play a real sport, you pansy! My Willie the Whimsical Waffle outfit I leave to my evil twin Timmy, in hopes that the goodness of waffles may leech the evil from his tormented soul. Finally, my Ator strap- on chest and sword I leave to Kevin Sorbo - this is all you'll be remembered for in TEN YEARS, pal. That's all, there's nothing to see here now, so move along, people!" JOEL: ... yeah, you're going to have to rewrite that a little, Crow. I think it's more bitter than it really needs to be. CROW: Bite me, I'll be dead before I can finish another draft. JOEL [sighs]: Gypsy, do you want to go now? GYPSY: Sure, Joel! "After I die, I would like to dedicate my body to science, my collection of 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea' memorabilia to the Smithsonian, and my soul to Richard Basehart." CROW: Wait, we can will our souls? Can I will mine to Lucy Liu? TOM: And can I will mine to Clara Peller? JOEL: No, guys, you can't will your souls to anyone, *especially* Clara Peller and Richard Basehart, since they're already dead. BOTS: Awwwww.... JOEL: Anyway, Gypsy, that's a good one, just change that last part. Now, do you guys mind listening to a trial run of my will? TOM: No, not at all. Go right ahead! GYPSY: You know we'd love to, Joel! CROW: Sure, as long as I get some of the loot! JOEL: ... right. Anyway, here it is. "This is the Last Will and Testament of Joel Robinson, version 1.0 for Windows 95, 98, and UNIX. Before I can attempt to leave my belongings to others for disposal, the question must be asked: what does a man really own in this world? We are born naked, screaming, even the blood covering us belonging to someone else. We cannot breathe until a doctor gives us a sharp slap on the bottom, and the blanket that was first wrapped around us before we were delivering into our mother's smiling arms was probably the property of the hospital. The entire concept of property is nothing more than a complex social construct, really. No one really has any more of a right to something than anyone else, and everything we supposedly 'own' is ultimately made by other hands and given to us. As such, I, Joel Robinson, truly possess nothing that can be willed unto those who survive me save my eternal wish for peace and harmony among all the people of the Earth." GYPSY: Awww... that was beautiful, Joel. TOM: It was *something*... CROW: ... wait, did I get anything or not? JOEL: Well, Crow, the entire idea was - wait, I'll have to explain it later! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! [1-2-3-4-5-6] [Joel and the bots enter the theater and take their usual seats.] CROW: My *real* father wouldn't have left me out of his will, you know. TOM: Crow, give it a rest already, would ya? JOEL: And I didn't leave you out, Crow. As my cosmic brother, you are already a part of everything that I have ever done. CROW: ... right, I'll just start pretending like I don't know you now. > *Chapter 6* > Garados's eyes glowed red as a blast of Hyper Beam shot from it's mouth. JOEL: Of course, Garados had Bad Guy Aim, so he couldn't hit Ryan if he was moving very slowly and at the center of a localized gravity well. TOM: So, graduates of the Imperial School of Marksmanship? > Ryan swerved to evade the glowing energy bolt, doing his best to put > distance between himself and the glowing beams of death. CROW: Live in concert... Glowing Beams of Death!! > Charizard roared once before shooting out a huge Fireblast. Trees caught on fire as the > burning inferno shot past. JOEL : Hah! That's sure to piss off those lefty pagan-tree-huggers! >Ryan swerved high left and barely missed the > huge fireball. Now, if ever, was a time for speed. TOM: Amphetamines? CROW: Just then, his hoverboard ran out of... whatever-it-used-to-power-itself... > "Let's see if you animals can do 90. JOEL: ... okay, I want to see why Ryan doesn't get killed by the wind. TOM: And Michael J. Fox rolls in his grave. CROW: ... Michael J. Fox isn't dead yet. TOM: Well, he's rolling somewhere! >Metapod, return!" CROW : Quick, Metacontrivancepod! Back into the ass I pulled you out of! > Ryan squatted down low on his hoverboard and quickly picked up speed. > Garados and Charizard were getting a good distance behind him, but he > wasn't out of the line of fire yet. Hyperbeams and miscellaneous blasts > of fire still continued to destroy the landscape, sometimes barely > missing Ryan. He had to get out of their line of sight, otherwise they'd > follow him right back to the concert. Diving into the trees would prove > fatal, what with the forest fire Charizard had started. JOEL: Ryan, quick! Hide behind that busload of nuns! > Where was a nice canyon or a cave when you needed it most. TOM: Suddenly, God, in his infinite wisdom, dropped the entire state of Arizona unto Ryan. > "Wow, Team Rocket has a lot of artillery stored up in here." Ash said, > starring at a crate full of blasterballs and gunpowder bags. JOEL : Hey, time to go on a shooting rampage! > "Where do they get all this stuff, anyway." TOM: Acme, Inc? CROW: Army surplus, baby! > "That's one question we've been trying to answer for a long time." > Garrett said. "Rumor has it that Team Rocket has links in foreign > countries. It makes sense when you think about it. Foreign labor is > really cheap, and is easy to cover up." TOM: MESSAGE! MESSAGE! JOEL : Right now, our prime suspect is a Ms. Gifford... > "So," Brock interjected from the helm of the balloon. "Who are the > Rocket Five, anyway?" CROW: The new superhero team from Saban! JOEL: Jessie and James' quintuplets! TOM: The hottest, newest band from the Rocket Music Invasion! > "One of the better known Rocket clans. JOEL: Bayushi Jessie? > Their entire family has a history > of ruthlessness, murder, extortion, organized crime, it's like a > generational curse, and they're known to get the job done. CROW: ... well, when they're not busy getting their asses handed to them by teenagers and Metapods. > They're one of > the oldest Rocket clans, too, with ancestors that supposedly laid the > foundations for the Team Rocket crime empire. TOM: Clan of the Cave Rocket? JOEL: Duncan Rocket, of the Clan Rocket... > Right now, their best known > member is also their leader, a crook that goes by the name of Bloody > Mary." CROW: She wanted to be called "Bloody Holy Virgin," but people didn't go for it. > Dusk was falling and clouds were massing on the horizon. Garrett simply > stared at it, all the time hoping in his heart that Ryan, Devan, and > Jennifer were alright. JOEL: Unfortunately, the other three team members were either dead or committing cannibalism at that very minute. TOM: Bad for Garrett, good for us! > Especially Ryan, who was probably in mortal danger > he couldn't even comprehend. Just the thought of Ryan becoming just > another tally mark on Bloody Mary's kill sheet brought tears to his eyes. > Misty walked over and placed a hand on Garrett's shoulder. CROW: And pushed him over the edge. > "I really hope your brother's ok, Garrett. I mean, I know that if I lost > one of my sisters, or even Ash or Brock I would just collapse inside, ya > know." TOM: So... she'd spontaneously implode? CROW: And why is she speaking Minnewegian? > "Misty, do you ever pray, like, to God and all?" > "Sometimes, yeah." > "Would you pray with me, for Ryan's safety?" > "...Of course I will." JOEL: Misty then pulled out her prayer rug and turned toward Mecca... > Together they prayed. CROW: Odin, god of battle... >For a while, Garrett jus called out to God. JOEL : Godline, this is God. How can I help you? > Misty began to cry. TOM : Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fh'tagn! > And God was there with them, silently praying over both of > them. JOEL: Wait... God prayed to himself? TOM : Me, who art in heaven, hallowed be My name... CROW: Damn it, God's got Multiple Personalities again! Get the Holy Prozac! TOM: You're *so* going to hell for that, Crow. CROW: Just like everybody else who's *cool*. > Devan and Jennifer kicked up huge waves as their hoverboards flew over > the water with blinding speed. They were dead-set and determined not to > let Ryan become a casualty at the hands of the Rocket Five. They had gone > through too much together to let it end this way. JOEL: Yeah, they wanted to do him in themselves. > Truth be told, he and > Ryan's friendship wasn't exactly Brady Bunch material, but regardless of > the past, Ryan was still his brother and in some abstract way, his > mentor. They'd been through thick and thin, both before and after they'd > met Jesus Christ. CROW: Hey, cool! Did they get his autograph? > They'd worked hard together to form Team Revelation; > Ryan provided the vision and he produced the system. They'd trained > together, battled together, and if it ever came down to it they'd die > together. JOEL : We take you now to Team Revelation headquarters, in Waco... > Team Revelation had his hard work finger-printed all over it, TOM: ... because Ryan never washed his hands. > but he never could have started the fire if Ryan hadn't provided a spark. ALL : We didn't start the fire! > He couldn't let Ryan's dream die now. JOEL: They *could* let Ryan die, though. > *Chapter 7* > "Let's see if I can wear these monsters out." Ryan said to himself as he > grabbed the edge of the hoverboard and U-turned in a sharp arch. CROW: He's gonna make them do aerobics! > Right ahead of him now were Garados and Charizard. TOM : Though I fly through the valley of the shadow of... hideously powerful energy blasts... I shall fear no evil... > "What is he doing?" Mary said, confused. "Garados, JOEL: ... typo attack! > Charizard, Rage attack!" > > Garados lunged at the evasive hoverboard pilot, screaming in rage. But > Ryan was too quick for the massive Pokemon dragon. CROW: Yes, Ryan had a lot of experience in running away like a wuss... > Garados plowed into > the ground head-first, sending trees snapping like twigs under it's > weight and speed. Charizard tried to slash Ryan with it's claws, TOM: All right, one more use of 'it's' as a possessive, and I'll start killing puppies! I mean it, story! JOEL [hugs Tom]: There there, dear. It's alright. > but to no avail. CROW: Ryan, by this time, had transcended the constraints of mere mortality... TOM : See, Weedle, this is that whole David and Goliath thing. The Bible teaches us that it's the wimpy little underdog who always wins. So just hop into this sling I pulled out of my ass... > Garados took back to the air with Bloody Mary riding shotgun. CROW: ...why's the Gyarados flying again? TOM: No, no, *Garados*. It's a fan pokemon. CROW: Either that, or the 'y' was inhibiting its flying ability. > It shot Hyperbeams from it's mouth with a vengeance, the effects of Rage > having not yet worn off. JOEL: Somehow, I relate to "Garados." CROW: This scene has all the ingrained excitement of watching paint dry. TOM: No, it's really more like watching tile curl. Bright orange paint is fun to watch dry. CROW: Right, point. > Below the raging battle the forests burned and > flames began to rise. It's light danced across the combatants and the > smoke filled the sky. TOM : Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky... JOEL: And Ryan, unable to see, crashed head-first into a tree. The end. > "Charizard! Blow that scum away with Firespin!" TOM: Firespin? My dryer has that cycle. > Ryan shot by Charizard just as it began to spew flames. CROW: ... wouldn't it be appropriate for Ryan to sacrifice himself now so that all the forest Pokemon will be spared? TOM: That'd be an act of transcendent kindness and selflessness any Christian would have the right to be proud of. So... no, Crow, not in the least. > Bloody Mary turned to track Ryan's hoverboard across the night sky, but > was unable to find it. Where had he gone? JOEL: He crashed into a tree, like I said. TOM: You know, as soon as God stops dishing out the plot contrivances for those people, they'll be atheists *sooo* fast... CROW: Maybe they'll start begging JR "Bob" Dobbs for contrivances. > "Garados, Charizard, find that creep, now!" > The burnt out spot in the woods was perfect camouflage. With all the > glowing flames, a dark spot like this was nearly invisible. TOM: Wait... a dark spot is impossible to discern from a bunch of glowing stuff? > Ryan heard a > huge gust of wind up above him, probably Charizard or Garados searching > for him. Unfortunately, this suit would probably never come out of his > uniform. JOEL: He's got a suit in his uniform? TOM: Not... parsing... CROW: First he spells it "sut," now "suit"... JOEL: Well, at least he's up to four letters. > "So, we stalemate this time, 'Altar boy'. But you have only one place to > run, and I'll be there and ready for you..." Bloody Mary said to herself. TOM: No, he's technically got a whole WORLD to run to... > She, Garados, and Charizard flew off in the direction they came, the > smoke of the fire causing their forms to fade and eventually become lost > against the smoke-coated night. CROW: Which was very smoky, and full of smoke. And did we mention the smoke? Boy, there was a lot of smoke. > The forest continued to burn down into > cinders. > > Devan and Jennifer reached the concert just before nightfall. JOEL: Hopefully, some cool bands will be there, like Metallica or Megadeth... TOM: Joel? The 'crash the satellite' thing? JOEL: ... okay, then, just Megadeth. > One thing > that really surprised them is that one of the bands, CYBER CROSS was > still there, apparently practicing. CROW: Cyber Cross'll make ya -- JUMP! JUMP! TOM: Cyber Cross sounds like Fear Factory as a glam rock band. JOEL: Funny, I thought Cyber Cross was the sequel to Cyber Trigger. > "You guys need to get out of here!" Jenna called to the band over the > music they were playing. CROW : We've got a class five villain alert! > They stopped the song immediately. TOM : We're not THAT bad, are we? JOEL : Aw, come on, man! We were just getting into the real thrashing! > "Yo, dudes, can't you see we're fellowshiping here?" CROW: "Fellowshipping". Is THAT what they call it these days? JOEL: Ohh... I see! Cyber Cross is actually Frodo, Samwise and Strider as a punk rock group! > "You're all in serious danger! TOM : There's a possibility of Catholics or Evolutionists listening to your music! > You need to get out while you can!" > > "Whoa, you don't think we're gonna let you guys take on those five > Rocket dudes on your own, do ya?" Said another band member. JOEL: Keanu Reeves, in a role that won't surprise you. > "How do you..." Devan's question trailed off. CROW : ... you're just wearing flesh-colored bodysuits, right? JOEL: Maybe the story will just trail off, too. > "Like, your bro, Garrett got here a few minutes ago and told us the > whole story. I say we stand up to those minions together, for Christ!" TOM: Forsooth! JOEL: For pizza! CROW: For the luvva *God*! > Stated the band leader, a beautiful girl by the name of Kayla. TOM : Kaaaayla! You've got me on my knees! Kaaayla-huh-huh... CROW: ... Ryan wrote this with one hand PERMANENTLY in his pants, didn't he? JOEL: Crow! Be nice! > The band members echoed out several 'amen' and 'let's go' type expressions. TOM: Let's do it to it! CROW: Let's hang ten for justice! JOEL: Fight, Revelation! For everlasting peace! > "What's your plan?" An unknown voice said from behind the edge of the > stage. CROW: ... wow, God really *is* on their side! > Devan and Jenna turned to see their brother, Ryan, holding his > chest nearby. JOEL: Ryan, honey, you can't cop a feel from yourself... > His uniform was coated in sut and dried blood, TOM: Sut, suit, let's call the whole thing off... > the source > of which was multiple open scars on his face and forehead. CROW: Yeah! Ryan's bleeding! This is looking up! JOEL: Open scars *is* an oxymoron, isn't it? > Only one > Pokeball hung at his side and he was bruised and battered almost > everywhere. TOM: Ahhh... I'll savor that image. JOEL : Jehovah's... Witnesses... save yourselves.... > "Ryan!" Devan and Jenna rushed over to their injured brother. "What > happened?" CROW : I did a cheap Passion ripoff. You? TOM [hushed]: Ryan was mildly inconvenienced for our sins. > "I'll survive. Right now, though, we need to get ready to deal with > those backstabbing Rockets. JOEL: Backstabbing implies you trusted them in the first place. CROW: Yeah! And they weren't backstabbing, they were quite *forward* about being jerks. TOM : I backstab them! They're not dead yet?? I backstab them *again*! > Now, what's the plan?" JOEL : Well, uh... I got this Metapod! It knows how to do Tackle! > "I was hoping you'd ask that, Ry-chan. TOM: GAH! JOEL: ... Ry-chan? > You've certainly looked better." > Kayla said, warmly shaking Ryan's hand as if they were old friends. "It's > been a long time. I've missed you." (That answers that question.) TOM: ... answers what question? CROW: Thanks for the aside, author... > "Huh?" Devan and Jennifer said in sync with each other. TOM: No boy bands, *please*. > *Chapter 8* > "We know you're in here, you little pests." Mary shouted into the dark. JOEL: Mary had quit the Rocket Five in disgust, and now headed up the Orkin Five. > Night had now fully fallen and everything was silent and still. CROW: Except for the villainess shouting loudly and everything. > "You can't run from us forever." JOEL : No, but I think I can try to get a pretty good head start. > "I don't intend on running, Mary." Ryan's voice seemed to be coming from > up on the stage. CROW: I smell a smarmy speech coming on.... > "This ends here and now." TOM : The line must be drawn HERE! JOEL : Don't you see, Mary? Hurting people and Pokemon is wrong! CROW: Guys, that's not funny.... > Mary scoffed at Ryan's consistent indignance. TOM: So do we. JOEL : Scoff, I say! Scoff! > "You! You actually think you can beat us with just that Metapod you let > lose?" Jack mocked Ryan openly. CROW: Yeah. Unless it begins to fire The Beam of God from its ass like a lightsaber, no beans, Ryan. TOM: Wait! I know! He plans on beating them by *dodging*! JOEL : Hahhah! This happens to be a Metapod who knows *Mega-Ultra-Hyper-N2-Beam*! ... Do you buy that? > "You're pathetic!" TOM: I have to agree with Jack, here. > "Any last words, 'Altar boy'?" Mary asked the still unseen hero. CROW : Not in the face! Not in the face! > "I thought you'd never ask. Hit it!" Ryan called out. Now it was Jack's > turn to wonder what he meant. ALL: ... TOM: Oh, God... he's gonna sing. CROW: Excuse me. I'm going to go crawl into a corner and end the pain now.... JOEL: Stay calm, guys. Break the fic, don't let the fic break you. TOM : Loooooove God, Looooooove God, if you don't you're gonna burn in heeeeeeeeelll.... > Several bright lights shot into action, illuminating the stage. Ryan > stood in the very center of the stage back-to-back with Kayla, a fresh > new uniform on under his classic silver jacket. CROW: So, this was *such* a dangerous emergency, he had time to dress up for it! > His brothers and sister > stood at his sides, microphones in all of their hands. JOEL: The divine power of... *karaoke*! CROW : Get the sniper rifles. TOM: Sniper rifles, hell. Just blast the stage! > Behind them, CYBER > CROSS was ready to go, each of the six band members at an instrument. The > band's drummer beat out a '1-2-3-4' on his drum sticks and the band began > to play background music for "OUR GOD IS..." JOEL: ... a muffin? CROW: I think the author of the fanfic is assuming we *know* the music for "OUR GOD IS..." > "This one's going out to all the saints ALL : WHOOO! > and to show you guys" Kayla > pointed a finger right at the Rocket Five. "Exactly who you're up > against." JOEL: After all, Ryan hasn't thoroughly established that Team Revelation is Christian yet... > Mack reached for the gun in his pocket, but Mary stopped him. TOM : Wait, Mack, let's...hear what he has to say CROW: ... Servo, I *said* that wasn't funny... > "Not yet. Let these kids have their fun. It is the last song they'll > ever sing." She whispered. JOEL: Please? TOM: Wow. Mary must have studied under Dr. Evil. CROW : And I already requested that they sing 'Crown of Worms'! > "OUR GOD IS HOLY, HE'S MIGHTY HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY!"Ryan, Devan, > Garrett, Jennifer, and Kayla sang while the band kicked up some killer > music. ALL: ... JOEL: ... "MIGHTY HOLY"? > "OUR GOD IS HOLY, HE'S MIGHTY HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY!" TOM: Our God is 100% whup-ass, apparently. CROW: Our God is PURE BEEF! JOEL: But is He boffo? > "Reach down from Your heavenly home, touch us with Your mighty hand!" CROW : BEHOLD MY MIGHTY HAND! JOEL: Don't touch him, God, you don't know where he's been! > Ryan sang out the first non-chorus line with one hand lifted to praise > God. TOM : He may be protected by God, but he really *can't* sing... > "Send down a heavenly host, bring revival to this land!" JOEL : The healing hand, held back by deepened nail! Follow the God That Failed! > "OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS, HE'S MIGHTY RIGHTEOUS, OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS! > OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS, HE'S MIGHTY RIGHTEOUS, OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS!" CROW: ... AAAAAAAARGH! TOM: So, in summary, our God is righteous. JOEL: He's also a fan of caps lock... CROW : OUR GOD IS AUTISTIC! MIGHTY AUTISTIC! OUR GOD IS AUTISTIC! OUR GOD GOTTA GO WATCH WAPNER! DEFINITELY WAPNER... JOEL [hugs Crow]: C'mon, Crow, you're letting it get to you... CROW [sniffling]: It hurts, Joel... it really hurts... TOM: And just think, Crow! This is an *actual song*! CROW: ... GYYYYYAAAAAAAHHH!! JOEL: ... Tom, you're not helping. > "Send down Your righteous judgements, through Your mighty right hand!" > Devan started, followed up by Garrett. CROW : Excuse me? You're giving ME orders? > "Break the back of the enemy's encampment, release Your power in the land!" TOM : Blazing light from the sword of Mars shall destroy this utopian farce! > "OUR GOD IS POWER, HE'S MIGHTY POWER, OUR GOD IS POWER! JOEL: And the power is YOURS! > OUR GOD IS POWER, HE'S MIGHTY POWER, OUR GOD IS POWER!" CROW: My God could beat up your God! TOM : God. Coming to a power plant near you. JOEL: God just can't think of an original lyric to save his life. In that respect, He's much like Eminem. > "All gods will bow before the MASTER, BOTS: MASTER! MASTER! JOEL : Where's the dreams that I've been after?! TOM: Hey, if God is the Master, does that make all mankind just a cosmic Torgo? CROW: Yeah! You guys *do* take care of the place while the Master is away... JOEL: ... I have to admit, that'd explain a lot. > as we proclaim Him in the land! > Every tongue will openly confess that-" Jenna sang, accompanied on the > last verse by all of the band members and her brothers. "WORTHY WORTHY IS > THE LAMB!" TOM: And honorable is the llama! CROW : Sees the sheep are gathering! Set the trap! Hypnotize! Now you follow! > "OUR GOD IS WORTHY, HE'S MIGHTY WORTHY, OUR GOD IS WORTHY! OUR GOD > IS WORTHY, HE'S MIGHTY WORTHY, OUR GOD IS WORTHY! JOEL: Worthy of what? CROW: OUR GOD'S NEEDLE IS STUCK! STUCK, STUCK, STUCK! > OUR GOD IS HOLY, > HE'S MIGHTY HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY! OUR GOD IS HOLY, HE'S MIGHTY > HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY! TOM : He did it all for the nookie! The nookie! CROW: YOUR GOD NEEDS A CO-WRITER! JOEL: This God character sounds pretty neat. I hope the rest of the fic's about Him. > OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS, HE'S MIGHTY RIGHTEOUS, OUR GOD IS > RIGHTEOUS! OUR GOD IS RIGHTEOUS, HE'S MIGHTY RIGHTEOUS, OUR GOD > IS RIGHTEOUS! OUR GOD IS POWER, HE'S MIGHTY POWER, TOM: OUR GOD IS MIGHTY, OUR GOD IS MIGHTY MOUSE! > OUR GOD IS POWER! > OUR GOD IS POWER, HE'S MIGHTY POWER, OUR GOD IS POWER! OUR GOD IS > WORTHY, HE'S MIGHTY WORTHY, OUR GOD IS WORTHY! OUR GOD IS WORTHY, > HE'S MIGHTY WORTHY, OUR GOD IS WORTHY!" CROW: Worthy of *what*?! JOEL: Your God is great! Your song is crap! > The music wound down with a few key drum hits; CROW: ... and then Ringo passed out. TOM: It's OVER!! JOEL: Praise... whichever god wasn't involved in this! CROW: On the plus side, I think we now know exactly *why* Christianity is reviled and persecuted on this alternate Pokeworld where Team Revelation is its representative. TOM: Yeah, can't say I blame them... > it was time to begin the battle. CROW: ... what battle? JOEL: Remember the plot before the song, Crow? CROW: There's a plot?! TOM: Yeah! I thought they were battling with song, like Jem and the Holograms. CROW: So does Bloody Mary get to sing about how Satan's cool now? JOEL: ... I really hope not. > "Playtime's over, Jesus Freaks. Not even your God can save you now!" > Mary spat as she pulled out her Pokeballs. Her brothers followed suit. CROW: What is it with family owned Pokemon teams these days, anyway? Team Revelation, the Rocket Five... JOEL: Tax breaks. CROW: Oh! Right, right. > "Pokemon, ATTACK!" TOM: Mary, for some deity's sake, just GET A GUN! > Mary's Charizard and Garados were the first Pokemon to hit the > battlefield, followed by Jack's Porygon and Arcanine, Zack's Pinsir and > Venamoth, Mack's Syther, JOEL : Hello... CROW <"Venamoth">: Hello... TOM <"Syther"> ... hello! ALL: HELLO! > and Tack let lose with Digglett and Butterfree. CROW: Tack always lets himself lose. He just doesn't care. > Suddenly, Ash, Misty, and Brock stepped out from behind the stage. > > "Who are you three?" Zack questioned. TOM : I'm Ash Ketchum, a Pokemon trainer from Pallet! I'm destined to become the world's greatest... JOEL : Stop stealing my spotlight! CROW: This is where the trio does their little sentai poses and announce themselves as Warrior Team Pokeranger. > "Ash, Misty, and Brock: we're the defenders on truth and love!" Ash > stated, ALL: ... TOM : Minna, henshin yo! JOEL: Alright, who gave Ryan the script from Sailor Moon? CROW: And where's Tuxedo Todd? > followed up by Misty. "And we're gonna shut you down permanently! JOEL : We're going to right wrongs and triumph over evil! And *that* means *you*! > Staru, Starmie, Go!" > "Pikachu, Squirtle, go!" TOM: MERCURY POWER... MAKE UP! > "Onix, I choose you!" JOEL: Oh, Onix is just compensation on a stick. TOM: Like every other Pokemon in this fic. > "Squirtle, Haunter, teach them a lesson!" Devan called out. CROW: JUPITER POWER... MAKE UP! > "Staru, Ditto, go for it!" > "Pikachu, Dratini, I choose you!" JOEL: MARS POWER... MAKE UP! > "What about you, Ryan? Are you and your little Metapod gonna beat me > up?" CROW: No, of course not! Ryan's the cult leader, he has everyone else to be idiots and do his dirty work for him. > Mary asked sarcastically. Ryan could barely keep from scoffing at her. TOM : Feh! I'm *God-Powered*! > "You don't actually think this is just a Pokemon battle when our lives > are at stake? Just to clue you in, this is all out war!" JOEL: Guess that whole 'turn the other cheek thing' went out of style. TOM: If it's war, why aren't you using... I dunno, a GUN? CROW : Right! You were nice enough to wait patiently while we played the world's most insipid song, but now that *we* feel like fighting, it's war! > Ryan lunged at > her on his hoverboard, but Mary dodged at the last second. JOEL: Ryan - beaten, bloodied, possibly dying - lunges into hand-to-hand combat. > "You little pest! Charizard, Firespin attack now!" CROW: Why can't you just brain him yourself with your Mace of Pain Infliction, Mary? > Charizard, however, was a little busy at the moment... JOEL: He was hitting on Onix CROW : Hello? Pokemon local? Do I have to do this? > "Ok, Squirtle..." Devan, Squirtle in his arms, ran circles around > Charizard on his hoverboard with blinding speed. "Water Spin attack, > now!" TOM : Sure! And hey, for an encore, why don't I put out the molten lava at the Earth's core, too, hunh?!! > Squirtle shot out a continuous stream of water that quickly, with the > speed of the hoverboard adding to the effect, turned into a cyclone of > hydriodic power. JOEL: ..."hydriodic"? CROW: ... the hell? TOM: ... if Squirtle starts flying around thanks to the 'hydriodic' power-jets shooting out of his shell, I'm *leaving*. > Charizard slashed at the hoverboard with it's immense > claws, but to no avail. It was surrounded on all sides by water closing > in on it, and several times nearly doused it's tail. Charizard was under > wraps in not more than a few minutes. > > "Ok, I hate to have to take out a Butterfree" Ash said. "But this one's > for freedom! JOEL: Freedom from... what, exactly? TOM: Freedom from characterization, from plot! CROW : They may take our pokemon... but they will never take... our FREEDOM! > Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" > > "Oh yeah! Butterfree, Confusion attack!" Tack yelled to his Pokemon. > Butterfree darted in the air, sometimes shooting off flashes of light at > Pikachu. But Pikachu fought back, sending up a massive Thunderbolt right > at Butterfree. > > "Onix! Tackle attack!" Onix and Garados grappled aggressively with one > another. JOEL: Onix and Garados grappling. What can we say? CROW: Nothing that wouldn't bump us up to TV-MA. > Onix hurled itself at Garados, throwing the mid-section of it's > body at the fierce Dragon. Garados, however, shot a powerful Hyperbeam > attack at Onix when it was in mid-air, throwing Onix back across the > battlefield. Brock was barely able to get out of Onix's flight path in > time to avoid becoming a human pancake. TOM: Aw, but human pancakes are so buttery and delicious... > "Devan, Garrett, Jenna! Let's take out that Garados with our Revelation > Group Take-Down! JOEL: Care Bears... STARE! CROW: Great, the *Trainers* have attacks now? TOM: Watch, they're gonna call down the Team Revelation HolyZord that Professor Oak built for them. > Ready?" JOEL: No, Garrett needs to tie his shoe. CROW : I have to go to the baaathroom... > Garados turned just in time to get sent flying via a 90mph head-on > collision with four Titanium-plated hoverboards. TOM: ... they hit the freaking Garados in the head with the HOVERBOARDS?!?!? CROW: And Team Revelation was left in intense pain as the air friction burnt off their skin and clothes! > Now it was Mary and her > brother's turn do run for cover. The collision Garados made with the > ground both felt and sounded like an earthquake. Garados just lay there, > dazed and whiplashed. TOM: Did the earth move for you, too? > "Arcanine! Fireblast those water Pokemon into next Tuesday!" Staru and > Starmie were simultaneously hit with a powerful Fireblast that sent them > to the ground. JOEL: And the canon Pokemon job. Again. > "Hang in there!" Misty suddenly doused Staru and Starmie with a huge > water gun/ water tank combo weapon that hung over her back. CROW: In a Shameless Product Plug, it's the Super Soaker 4500! JOEL: She's an AquaGhostbuster! TOM: So, why doesn't she just fight the damn Arcanine herself??? > As soon as > the water touched the two Pokemon they were re-powered and ready for > battle. ALL: ... TOM: Was Misty packing holy water, or... what the *hell*... JOEL: Yes, folks, all that time you've been wasting your time with Super Potions and Hyper Potions.... > "Hey, Misty." Jenna tapped her on the shoulder. "Where'd you get that > thing, anyway?" CROW : I pulled it out of Ryan's ass! There's a lot of stuff in there! > "I... uh... you see...um..." > > "Haunter! Show that Pinsir who's boss!" Devan called out. TOM : Here's our organizational chart! Now, at the top is God... > "Pinsir!" Zack countered. "Give it your Guillotine attack!" JOEL : Vive la revolution! > Pinsir hurled itself at Haunter, it's twin mandibles open and ready for > the attack. Haunter's Nightshade blasts shot at the fierce Pinsir, who > took several hits but kept on coming. Haunter, realizing a direct assault > would prove unprofitable, vanished into the ground. Pinsir was caught off > gaurd when Haunter appeared behind it, Hypnotic waves flying. CROW: In short, it's Ryan's game in Yellow. TOM : Haunter, stop playing Backstreet Boys and FIGHT! > "Venamoth! Quick, hit that Haunter with your Si-beam!" CROW : Si! JOEL: And the SI Beam again. What does it do, make Lisa Foster appear? > Venamoth, wings > glowing purple, shot off a powerful beam of energy from the air. Haunter > never even saw the attack coming. "Haunter, return! Abra, go!" TOM: NO! Abra! Not on the carpet! CROW: And so Abra went. To Cerulean. > "Pikachu, Thunderbolt now!" Jennifer called to her bruised Pokemon. > Syther backhanded Pikachu, sending the small rodent to the ground. JOEL: Scyther! Bitchslap attack, now! > Pikachu rebounded off the grassy turf and shot a bolt of blue electricity > at Syther from the air. TOM: Okay, I've been timing it... this is now officially the drum solo of Pokemon battles. CROW: Pokemon Master, Tom. TOM: ... AAAAAAAAARRRGH!! JOEL: That was mean, Crow. CROW [happily]: I know. > "Alright, Metapod, let's have some fun. String Shot, now!" The cocoon > Pokemon shot a spray of sticky, web-like fibers down from the hoverboard. > Mary, who didn't see it coming until it was too late, was caked with web > strings within seconds. JOEL: ... no comment. Just... no comment. TOM: Metapod! Don't shoot your white streams in public! CROW: Metapod might as well be named "Phallicsymbol." > She tore off the fibers, all the time cursing > loudly at Ryan who was now busy fighting another battle. TOM: So now she's naked? Cool! > Mary, infuriated, quickly made her way behind the stage. JOEL: Oooh, good! We might actually get to see the *villains* being ruthless for once! > The battle was going well for Team Revelation. TOM: Well, surprise, surprise. > With Ash, Misty, and > Brock's help the Rocket Five were losing ground fast with minimal losses > to the good guys. Jack, Zack, Mack, and Tack were down to Arcanine, > Venamoth, and Digglett. JOEL: Tack! Count on him to make pointed statements. > They were about to lose them, too. CROW: Just because the author said so! JOEL : It was really neat and stuff! Why describe it? TOM: So... why didn't Ryan just summarize this fight into one sentence: "Team Revelation won." CROW: Because *that* would... I dunno. JOEL: I think he's getting paid by the word. It's the only explanation for that.... 'song'. TOM: Ahhh... > "Starmie, Staru, Watergun attack now!" > "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" > "Pikachu, Thunderwave, now!" JOEL : MAKE UP YOUR MIND! > "Staru, Airborne Tackle. Attack!" > "Squirtle, Watergun, now!" > "Metapod! Keep em' busy with your String Shot!" TOM: Metapod! Shoot sticky stuff all over the women! CROW: See, I'm right! The author is just taunting us with phallic symbols! JOEL: You know, this is just... this is the "Catalog of Ships" without the rest of the Iliad. > *Chapter 9* > "Ahha! We're outta Pokemon!" Tack wailed. Ryan, Devan, Garrett, > Jennifer, Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu stood triumphantly in front of > the stage. CROW: The rest of Chapter 9 is devoted to Team Revelation's gloating. > Zack, Mack, and Jack stood at the opposite end of the > battlefield, angry as Beedrills at having lost to such insignificant > Pokemon. TOM: There's no insignificant Pokemon, only insignificant trainers > Except for Tack, who was panicking and nervous with ever part of his > being. Go figure. CROW: Special commentary by Dot Warner. > "I can't believe we left the stolen Pokemon in the truck!" Zack mumbled > under his breath, imagining himself with an army of Pokemon destroying > Team Revelation and their three little friends. JOEL: So God's way of intervening is to create incompetent villains? > Jack reached for the gun > at his side, but realized Pikachu would have him electrocuted before he > could pull it out of his pocket. TOM: *ahem* "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" > "Are you guys ready to give up?" Brock inquired. > "The Rocket Five never say 'die'!" JOEL : But didn't you just say... TOM : ... shut up! Just shut up! > "In that case, the police can deal with you when they arrive." Ryan > stated, starring down the four brothers. Wait, only four? Where was Mary? CROW: Mary, Mary, quite contrary, where did that maniac go? > "Not today, 'Charlie Church'!" JOEL: I hear Charlie Church is going to be Prince Iaukea's next gimmick. > Mary challenged from somewhere behind > him. All of them turned to look up on the stage. Out of the shoadow > walked Bloody Mary, holding a gun to Kayla's head. TOM: Finally! Hostage-taking! At least there's *someone* in the Rocket Five who can think outside the box! > "Now, if you don't > want little miss preppie here to,... lose her head, hand over the Pokemon > and the hoverboards now. All of you, NOW!" CROW: Because we're in 'now' now. JOEL: But what happened to then? CROW: You missed it. JOEL: When? CROW: Just now. > Jack stood a bit behind the rest of his brothers, securing the extortion > at gunpoint. Mack, Zack, and Tack grabbed all of the group's Pokeballs > and the four hoverboards. When they came to Ash, however, they got a > little resistance. "You can't have Pikachu. I won't let you take it from me!" JOEL: Ash? What part of "gun" do you not understand? > "Hey, Mary! Pretty-boy over here won't give up the electric rat." Mack > called to his sister. CROW: "Pretty boy?" Someone has gender issues... TOM: How many people have you seen in anime lately who *don't* have gender issues? > Bloody Mary got an annoyed look on her face. "Well, duh! Kill him, stupid!" > > "My pleasure..." Mack said, stepping back and aiming the gun at Ash. > Pikachu never had a chance to react. CROW: So what was that crap before about them not able to use guns because they'd get electrocuted?! > Mack pulled the trigger and the > whole scene seemed to go in slow motion. TOM: Oh great. Matrix time, folks. JOEL: Cue bullet-cam! > Ash covered his face with his > arms, anticipating the incoming bullet. TOM: Fortunately, Ash's Kryptonian physiology would protect him... > Misty screamed and Brock called > Ash's name in panic. Without a second to waste, Ryan tried to pushed Ash > out of the way. The bullet lodged in his chest, sending Ryan spinning > backward. ALL: YAAAY! CROW: Yeah, yeah, and now Ryan will rise again on the third day, I've *read* this story... > Jennifer, Devan, and Garrett screamed, lunging for Ryan. Kayla > screamed, trying desperately to pull away from Mary. Ryan hit the ground, > and the whole scene returned to normal. TOM: ... if you call a right-wing teenager with a bullet in his chest 'normal'. > "Ryan! No! No...!" Kayla screamed out. JOEL : You owed me money, you bastard! > "Ryan! Ryan!" Devan, Jennifer, and Garrett rushed to Ryan's side. "No! > God, don't let this happen! TOM: And God, servilely following orders.... > No, no, no, no....!" CROW : No, no, no, no, no ... TOM: Bad Ryan! No walkies! > "I told him so." Mack said to himself. He couldn't even control the evil > grin that came over him. CROW: Mack's mouth leapt off his face and ran away! > "I tried to warn him. Some people don't know > when to quit." TOM: Yeah. Like *certain* Christian fanfic authors... > "Looks like Mack needs to work on his aim." Mary said to Kayla, still at > gunpoint. JOEL: Er, who's at gunpoint? TOM: No, who's on first! ALL: THIRD BASE! > "Not that the little creep didn't deserve it, right?" TOM : Look, I didn't even ask to be here... CROW : Neither did I, play along. JOEL: And neither noticed the Metapod with the chaingun sneaking up behind the group and taking aim... > "Ryan!" Ash scrambled over to Ryan. "Ryan! Why did you do it? Why?" > Ryan, weak and trembling, managed to respond. TOM : I did it... all... for the nookie... > "I couldn't let them. You're... not ready yet." JOEL : When gone am I... the last of the Jedi will you be... > Ash broke down in tears. Misty and Brock rushed to his side, desperate > to see if they could help. Devan desperately tried to stabilize Ryan. CROW: George Clooney IS Devan Edgerton IN Team Revelation! JOEL : Quick, someone get me an IV of Valium! STAT! > Garrett shook Ryan's arm, trying to get a response from his brother, > while Jennifer just bawled, praying feverishly. CROW: "Flanders to God! Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Todd!" > Mary thought she was > going to barf. "Oh, that's so sweet I'm getting cavities. Too bad I couldn't have > finished him myself." JOEL: Well, he's not dead yet, so if you felt like doing something while he was helpless and injured you pretty much still could.... > Mary scoffed, glaring down at the desecrated body > of her most hated enemy. TOM: ... they're doing this to set up Mary's eventual conversion, aren't they? CROW: Nah. That would be if this was an *actual* Christian fic. Instead, this will set up the fact that she's one of God's creatures who deserves to die because she's evil. > Out of nowhere, Jack suddenly flew backwards like he'd gotten hit with a > truck. Mary stared in disbelief as Zack got thrown from in front of the > stage to the back wall by an invisible attacker. Kayla at gunpoint, Mary > rushed over to the side of the stage and activated all the lights. She > heard a noise behind her and turned to see Tack fly across the stage and > land right next to Zack on the back wall. What in the world was going on? JOEL: And then, a mysterious, unseen voice spoke. "I am the terror... that FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!" > Mack suddenly saw something out of the corner of his eye and opened > fire. Mary looked on in total disbelief as the bullets stopped in midair, > then were thrown to the ground at Mack's feet. Wide-eyed, Mack stood > petrified as invisible footsteps walked towards him. TOM: Um... it's the infant Eevee, and he's got the One Ring! CROW : You thought I was hard on those money changers? THAT WAS NOTHING! > "No, no! Don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt-" The next thing he knew, his > head was suddenly face to face with the grass. JOEL: His ass was grass, and Jesus was gonna smoke it. TOM: As was the author. > "If I were you, I'd stay there." The deep, double-echoed out of nowhere > casually suggested. CROW: ... what the hell did that mean?! Who's talking?! JOEL: Apparently, it's some element of Team Revelation theology that anyone on the side of the Lord must be smug as all hell. TOM: Our God is the God of Smarm. > Mary opened fire on the invisible phantom, with > barely as much of a reaction as when Mack had tried. Bullets froze, then > dropped to the ground, not even slowing down the transparent hero. CROW: It's the Invisible Laurence Fishburne!!! JOEL : Contrivance Man! Thank God you've arrived! > Mary, still continuing to fire, suddenly had the nozzle of her gun collapse > inward like someone crushing a soda can. She took a step back, released > Kayla, then ran for her life. Within a minute she was behind the stage > area, running so scared she dared not look back, when an invisible foot > caught her in the stomach. ALL: FAITH! TOM: Oh, and another "I kick ass for the LORD!" seems appropriate at this point. > After flying about fifty feet through the air, Bloody Mary hit the > ground. Hard. JOEL : I guess now's not the time for the "where's your messiah now" line... > She was scared out of her mind. TOM : You know, when I called them 'Jesus Freaks,' that was just our little joke, y'see... > She wanted to scream, but > nothing came out. Mary thought she was going to die right there, right > then. What was that thing? CROW: That's what we'd like to know! JOEL: Team Revelation! The fanfic that takes the bold step of *NOT* including the audience! > She was suddenly being pulled to her feet. She opened her eyes and > realized the creature had her. TOM: ... right there? In front of everyone? CROW : You drop her right now, Nathan Alexander Summers! > Up close, she could just barely make out > the creature's form. It seemed to be composed of heat waves, like the > ones you see coming off a car in summer, only given humanoid form. JOEL: Cinder! Yay! TOM: Guess that means... the heat is on? Hahahaha! CROW: Not funny, Servo. TOM: Bite me, Crow. > It's > face was like a smooth sphere, having no eyes or nose or mouth or hair to > speak of. It's shoulders jutted out of it's frame at perfect 90 degree > angles, and it seemed to have a sword the same material as itself > strapped onto it's back. With one hand on her shoulder it hoisted her > into the air. Mary couldn't even feel the hand on her shoulder even > though she could clearly see the palm-shaped indentation on the shoulder > of her Team Rocket uniform. JOEL: ... and smell the scorching cloth and flesh. CROW: ... so why did the foot hurt when she can't feel the hand? > It was like she was living some kind of horrible nightmare. JOEL: We can relate. >What was that thing? TOM: That, lady, is what happens when you lick the brown stamps. CROW: When is the author going to answer the question, anyways? JOEL: They won't. Remember, Glorious Mysteries of the Universe? CROW: I.e., Giant Plot Holes? JOEL: Yeah, same difference. > "If you even so much as threaten them again," The double-echoes of the > voice seemed to ring inside Mary's head. TOM: I imagine there's a *hell* of an echo inside Mary's head. > "Then you'd better pray my orders aren't to kill you." ALL: ... CROW: ... yes, folks! Team Revelation, having tried to do God's work and screwed the pooch, is now getting its collective ass rescued by God's "wet ops" team! > Mary was frozen with fear. She trembled as the invisible monster slowly > put her back on her feet. Without a trace it simply vanished, leaving > nothing to indicate it had ever been there. Mary fainted. Off in the > distance, sirens were heard. JOEL: A shot rang out! A woman screamed! TOM: Stuff happened! People died! CROW: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! JOEL: And somewhere, a dog barked plaintively into the night. > *Chapter 10* > "Are you kids alright?" Officer Jenny came up behind the group. Then she > saw Ryan. "Oh my God! What happened to him?!" TOM: Indecently heavy author's petting. CROW: "He read the story. I'm afraid we'll have to have him institutionalized." > "He took a bullet protecting me from the Rocket Five." JOEL: He took a bullet? But stealing is a sin! TOM: You don't really take bullets. It's more like they get given to you > Ash turned to > look Jenny in the eye. Jenny pushed her way in amongst the group and > examined Ryan. CROW : Yep, that's a bullet alright, and I guess those are the Rocket Five. Be thankful your story checks out. > "He's unconcious. Lucky he's still breathing. That means the bullet > missed his lungs and heart somehow, but I can't imagine how. TOM: Hey! It's the same magic bullet that was able to hit both Kennedy and Connally. CROW: That means the Contrivance Angel is really Jack Ruby! God had Mary wack Ryan so He could disavow all knowledge! And the shot came from the Grassy Knoll near Golgotha! JOEL: So, God's actually the big Mafia don in the sky? CROW: Hey, look at how He operates in this fic. JOEL: Oh, good point! TOM: Yeah. And notice how He sent the survivors of Sodom and Gomorrah to "sleep with the fishes"? JOEL: Maybe God'll leave the head of a Ponyta in Giovanni's bed, then. > No way to > tell if there's internal bleeding, though." Jenny looked really > concerned. She grabbed a walkie-talkie off her belt. "I need a Meda-van, > STAT! TOM: The word is *ambulance*, Jenny. Am-bu-lance. > Condition critical!" CROW: Oh, just stuff a Bullet Heal down his friggin' throat! > "What can we do to help?" Jennifer asked. > "Not much, unless you have some Pokemon that can help." > "My Bulbasaur can do Sleep Powder." Garrett suggested. > "Abra can Teleport him wherever you need him." Devan interjected. TOM : My Pikachu can finish the job! JOEL : My Vulpix can burn the evidence! CROW : My Psyduck can ... uh ... sit there! > "That'll have to do for now. Let's put him to sleep, then get him into > the meda-van. Don't use Stun Spore, though. It could send him into shock. > Hopefully we can get him to the hospital in time." The ambulance pulled > up along side them and Jenny went off to deal with the captured Rockets. JOEL: I don't remember the Rockets getting captured. They just got kind of... flung. > Nurse Joy and another Doctor jumped out of the ambulance and rushed over > to help save Ryan. TOM : OK, I'm going to save your life... oh, a pamphlet? How... nice... Doctor, kill the life support. > "It just came outta nowhere, like some freakin' phantom." Zack rambled, > his hands cuffed behind him. CROW: It wasn't a freakin' phantom, it was The Funky Phantom! > "Like somethin' outta a horror movie. You believe me, don't ya?" TOM : Now, now, we only live in a world of electric rats and friendly plant-reptiles. That sounds ridiculous. > "Yeah, sure." The policeman behind him said. "Don't worry, you'll be > safe from the Boogie-Man where you're going." > > "Hold it! Jenny called out. Mack just lay there, paralyzed with fear. > Officer Jenny went behind him, pulled him up off the ground, and > handcuffed him. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say > may be used against you in a US court of law." JOEL : Also possibly in Singapore. > Mack just stared straight ahead, completely zoned out. TOM : The colors, Duke! The colors! > "Please be OK, Ryan. Please..." Kayla said, crying. The ambulance > bounced and turned as a team of doctors tried to stabilize Ryan's > condition. CROW: Yeah, good idea! Move him around a lot! Jostle that bullet right out of him! JOEL: Carrying a critical patient is not when you want to discover your ambulance needs its shocks replaced .... > When they reached the hospital, they were all ushered into a > waiting room while the doctors preformed surgery on Ryan. CROW: The maitre d' handed them menus. > Ash felt like > he had when he first reached the Viridian City Pokemon Center. Even the > normally perky Togepi and Evee looked downcast and worried. TOM: Should it disturb me that the Rocket Five's greatest crime here seems not to have been shooting Ryan but cramping the baby Eevee's style? > Hours passed and the tension grew higher. The doctors were able to > determine that Ryan had indeed suffered internal bleeding and gone into > shock as well. Just to complicate things, the bullet had become lodged in > between a pair of arteries next to the heart. Ryan's chances of survival > were not good. Even if the doctors could remove the bullet, they still > had not located the source of the internal injuries. CROW: This is just a guess, but they may be inside Ryan's body. TOM: Here's a hint: Bouncy. Ambulance. JOEL: Ryan's doctor has *got* to be Nick Riviera. > Mary felt like a scared animal on a hunting range. CROW: The angel dust was finally kicking in! > She couldn't go back > to the concert, and she definitely couldn't go back to HQ. Her plan had > failed and backfired, a first for her. TOM: ... didn't the story say she got captured? > Giovanni could make her life > miserable if he found out she'd failed. CROW: Yeah, he might do something drastic like give her time off. > What was that thing, anyway? What > could it possibly have been? TOM: Goofy and completely out of flavor for what is supposedly a story taking place in the Pokeverse? > Maybe Ryan was right, at least about their being angels and demons. JOEL: And about God moving in flamboyant and inefficient ways. TOM: This really is God as written by Marvel Entertainment, isn't it? CROW: In that case, there'd be six different versions of God from six different divergent timelines that would meet each other from time to time. JOEL: Could be worse, Ryan could be using Erik Larson's God. TOM: Hey! I liked that issue.... > But what could have possibly done that to all of them? But if Ryan was right > about that... CROW : Damn, I have to convert. Shit, there goes my career... JOEL: She can be a televangelist. That way, she'll be a Christian and a criminal at the same time. > No! She refused to let herself think like that. So what if angels and > demons exist? She would never lower herself to the level of those > Christian freaks of nature. TOM: So, what *is* Mary, exactly? Does she worship Baal or something? > Never! Not for all the power in the world! > Besides, if this God of theirs loved people so much, why did he let Mary > grow up in a family with no mother or father? JOEL: Um... if she's heir to this huge evil Rocket family, then wouldn't there have been some older family member around to raise her? > How could a Holy God do > that? She wanted revenge. She wanted to make those trash pay for her loss. But > what of the angel's warning? Bullets didn't even slow that thing down? CROW : Don't you understand? Your weapons are useless against me! TOM: If Satan is Krankor, I no longer fear hell. > There had to be a way... JOEL: Well, if the angel is just heat convection, I'd suggest a firehose. CROW: See, now's when Mary gets a sex change, grows a beard and dons tinted glasses, and practices folding white-gloved hands in front of her mouth.... > Devan paced the hospital waiting room. His face was solemn and downcast. > He hated feeling powerless, not being able to take things into his own > hands. JOEL : Dammit, I wish I was the main SI and not just the sidekick. > Jennifer and Evee sat in one of the waiting chairs, reading in Proverbs. TOM : "Life is like a box of chocolates." ... how did *that* get in here?? JOEL: ... Eevee can read? CROW: And then the pages flipped a little too much, the Bible lay open to Song of Solomon, and Jennifer screamed and threw the pornography into the fire. > Both of they're eyes looked bloodshot, as his probably did. > Garrett was on the video phone, talking to Prof. Oak. TOM : So, is he dead yet? > Kayla was just > sitting, stunned, and praying continually in tongues. JOEL : Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! > What was happening in there? > > Ash, Misty, and Brock sat on the other side of the waiting room, staring > at the clock. Occasionally, Ash would open his Pokedex and view over his > Pokemon data, CROW : Man, why am *I* the only kid who doesn't have a Game Boy? > or Misty would have to quiet Togepi. They were all worried. > What was taking so long? > > Mary's head suddenly started spinning. JOEL: ... uh-oh, looks like Mary got the brown acid. > She stopped and leaned against a > tree for balance. What was happening to her? TOM: Well, in a less doofy story, it'd be something simple like an inner ear infection. > She suddenly felt like she was being watched, someone was watching her, > creeping up on her. CROW: It was... David Arquette, in a black robe and "Scream" mask, wielding the WCW World's Heavyweight Championship belt! > She spun all around but there was no one nearby. No, > more than being watched. It was like the air itself was watching her, > probing her mind. > > "Who...are...you?" She said, barely able to whisper because of fear. Her > whole body trembled. Her vision blurred. She felt voices all around her. > Felt? What on earth was happening to her?! TOM: ... a stroke, it sounds like. > She wanted to scream, but she > couldn't. She felt her body collapse under her. There were hundreds... > no, MILLIONS of the voices. What was this? CROW: It was the millions, and MILLIONS of the Rock's fans... > Where was she?... JOEL: It's a rave! > "...I've been watching you, child." All of the voices suddenly spoke at > once. "I want to help you." TOM : ... into something comfortable, and give you a nice mug of cocoa.. > "Who are you? What are you? Where am I? What's happening to me?" CROW : Satan, The Devil, Hell, and Burning. > Mary > heard her thoughts projected out like one of the voices. It was real, > more real than anything she'd ever experienced. TOM: Yeah, most people say that the first time they play Daytona USA. > The voices frightened > her, yet she seemed to know each one by heart. Then a thought came to > her. "Am I dead?" CROW: No, you're just watching Disney's Pocahontas. > You know me, child. I've been watching you, seeing you grow and learn. > You are not dead, far from it. I am here to help you, Mary. JOEL : Hi! I'm here to make the self-righteousness of the SI even more chokingly thick. > I want to give you a power, an authority you have never imagined. TOM : My fist is the divine breath.... blossom, o fallen seed, and receive your true power! JOEL: Wait, power and authority, it COULD be TR's God after all! CROW: Even worse! It's Ross Perot! TOM: Actually, that's me. I admit it. JOEL: ... you're Satan? TOM: Look, how did you *think* the bills around here got paid? > I want to take > you to a higher plane of reality then the commonplace world in which you > have lived your life for. CROW: And suddenly, Al Pacino showed up and turned her into a lawyer. > What is it, child, that you most desire?" JOEL : A shrubbery! > The voices began to sound more soothing, like... who she had always imagined > her father to be. TOM: ... so, Mary is the daughter of Satan. CROW: This is really, really sad. Mary is coming across as more complex and sympathetic than *all* of Team Revelation put together... JOEL: Yeah, I feel sorry for Mary, too... TOM: Could we do something nice for her after the story, Joel? Maybe send her an FTD Bouquet? JOEL: Sure, Tom, I think that'd be nice. CROW: Yeah, a little pick-me-up would do Mary good. > "Revenge..." The word came out of her mouth before she had barely knew > she had thought it. TOM: Revenge?! You?! HAH! I am SMAUG!! > The moment she said that, she was back on earth, > leaning against an oak tree. "I need... revenge..." JOEL: So, basically, God and the Devil are just *supernatural* versions of the Montagues and the Capulets. It's not about how you live your life, it's about the flag you wrap yourself in. CROW: Yeah! And you'd better make sure you're on the right side, Robinson! JOEL: ... I don't know, can't we all just have some cookies and talk out our differences? TOM: *Joel*! Advocating peace and brotherhood isn't playing fair! > "I will help you get your revenge. Anyone who wrongs you deserves worse > than death. You will take your sweet revenge... in power, with me. You > will take your revenge!" JOEL: So... revenge, then? CROW : I want to live *just* long enough to see your head on a pike as a reminder to the next thousand generations that some things come at too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave, just like this ... > *Chapter 11* > "Good news." The doctor pulled off a pair of rubber gloves as he talked. TOM : The sex change worked! JOEL : Um... which doctor are you? > Team Revelation and friends immediately jumped out of their chairs and > rushed over to the surgeon. CROW: Wait, is it a surgeon or a doctor? > "What is it, doctor?" Kayla asked. Jennifer continued the thought. TOM : Will he be able to keep kicking arse for the LORD? > "Is Ryan going to be OK?" JOEL : Well, he has what we call 'messiah syndrome'. He'll keep you in suspense for three days, but then he'll be just fine. > "I can tell you all without a doubt that the surgery was more preformed > by God than me or my colleges." TOM: ... man. If I was rich enough to own a college, I'd *never* work again! > He looked straight at Garrett, Devan, and > Jennifer. "Your brother's condition is stable and he's recovering > incredibly, even if he will be here for a few weeks to get up to speed." > "Can we go in and see him?" Ash inquired. > "Let me see if he wants any visitors. What did you say your name was?" > "Ash Ketchem." CROW : ... did your parents hate you or something, kid? > "Ryan, your brothers and sisters would like to see you, if you feel up > to it. Also, a young man named Ash Ketchem and his two friends would like > to talk to you as well." TOM : Mainly, talk with you about this whole stupid plot. They'd like to be main characters for awhile, it IS their show. > Ryan sat up a little when he heard Ash's name. "Yes please, doctor. Send them in." JOEL : Bring them to me. Have them kneel. CROW : Okay. Do you mind if they bring in their knife, wrench, rope, and lead pipe? > "Ok, it looks like Ryan feels up to talking. Try not to overload him, > though." The doctor lead the way down the hall to Ryan's hospital room. > He stooped at the door and turned to face Ash and co. "You'll probably > want some time alone. I'll be here if you need me." > > "Thanks, doctor." Ash opened the door and the group walked inside. Ryan > sat up on his white hospital bed and was wearing a typical hospital > outfit. JOEL: A typical hospital outfit? So it's open in the back? CROW: Joel! TOM: Hey, at least the author specified that it wasn't a tutu or something. JOEL: ... assuming this isn't just a really weird hospital, yeah. > He turned towards Ash, revealing the wounds on his face from when > Mary had beaten him. TOM : Touch my wounds and be healed. > "Hey, Ash. What's new?" > "How do you feel, Ryan?" JOEL : I've been SHOT. Take a wild flying guess. > "I've felt better, but I'll survive. You know, we've really been through > an awful lot tonight." TOM : But I've learned something today, He-Man... CROW : No, we've been through an awful story. JOEL: And an awful lot has been through Ryan's chest, too. > "I know. I really owe you for saving my life." CROW : ... well, not really, the bullet was only gonna hit my arm, but the gesture *is* appreciated! > "Friends forever?" Ryan stretched out his hand to Ash. TOM : No fucking way! JOEL : Blazing Friendship! > Ash shook it gladly. CROW: ... then yanked hard, removing his arm at the elbow. JOEL : Okay! I'll continue to be overshadowed and made meaningless in my own series! > "Friends forever." > > "Um," Brock suddenly interrupted. Ryan and Ash turned to face him. > "Ryan, do you have any idea what that thing was that stopped the Rocket > Five?" TOM : An angel, of course! Oh, I probably didn't tell you, I've been assigned an entire legion of warrior angels.... > "Yeah. I mean, it's no kind of Pokemon I know about." Misty added. CROW: ... it's Angemon, from the Monster Trainer show next door! JOEL: Wait, it's Missingno! TOM: It's a Mew in a cloaking device, goddammit! FIGURE IT OUT! > "Well, if I don't miss my guess, I'm pretty sure what we saw tonight was > an Arc-Angel, a warrior." CROW: ... an angel of circle segments? JOEL: You know, the author's net nick and e-mail address refer to himself as "Arc-Angels." The exact same spelling. Think about it, won't you? BOTS: ... ARGH! DOUBLE SELF INSERTION! > Outside of Ryan's hospital room window, an invisible figure floated in > mid-air. CROW : Heh. Okay, so the credit's going to someone else, but hey, I'm mellow about it! That Abby's some gal! > He listened with interest as Ryan described what the Bible said > about Spiritual Warfare. TOM : Hoo boy, *listen* to the crap this boy's pullin' out his ass! > "Good guess, my friend. Close, but not quite. Maybe one day I can tell > you my story... > ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------- JOEL: The fic's flatlining! CROW: The fic's dead! HALLELUJAH! TOM: Is that the end? Really and for true? CROW: Really and for true! Really and for true! > So, what'da think? Just to let you know, I didn't invent the Rocket > Five. Actually, their from a friend of mine's 'Rocket Princess 2' story, > a Sailor Moon/Pokemon crossover. TOM [sighs]: ... or not. > If you hate Bloody Mary as much as she > does, then you'll love the conclusion to her story. ^-^ JOEL: What if we don't hate Bloody Mary at all, Ryan? TOM: Yeah, what if we thought Bloody Mary was a better representative of the human race than the insipid little wretches that beat her? CROW: Bloody Mary is my role model! I want Bloody Mary to bear my children! JOEL: ... you're a robot, Crow. CROW: ... oh, right. Well, strike that last part. > Gotta warn you first, though. After all, her story's not exactly made > with Christians in mind, if you catch my drift. TOM: Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more... > Here's the site address: > http://proxy-mail.mailcity.lycos.com/bin/redirector.cgi?http://team-rocke > t.virtualave.net/main.htm JOEL: Well, at least Ryan gives credit where credit is due. CROW: Whatever. Geez, let's get out of here... [Joel picks up Servo. All exit the theater.] [SOL Bridge. The lights are flashing on and off. The set is vibrating rapidly, giving the impression the ship is about to fly apart at any moment. Joel and the bots are behind the main console. Joel's head is bowed and his hands steepled in prayer. The bots' arms are taped together in similar positions, and Gypsy's massive head is bowed.] GYPSY [sings]: Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home... JOEL: Alright, boys, this is it! The end! I hope you're all wearing clean underwear! TOM: If I was capable of wearing underwear, I'd be wearing every piece I owned right now, Joel! CROW: Yeah! If I've gotta die, I'm gonna do it while as completely naked as possible! JOEL: Crow, do you want to die in time-out? CROW: Aw, *Joeeeeeel*.... [The emergency lights abruptly stop flashing, and the set ceases to vibrate.] GYPSY: Hey! Guys... guys! The heat reading on the outside of the ship is going down! A *mysterious power* must have stopped our descent! JOEL: But... but who could have the power to stop the entire Satellite of Love? Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine! [Rocket Number Nine. We see the Satellite from the outside, suspended in space, with a strangely model-like version of the Earth not terribly far below it. The entire Satellite is outlined by an enigmatic, unnatural, and slightly cheap-looking livid red outline.] [SOL. Joel and the various 'Bots stare in shock.] TOM [horrified]: This... this is worse than death! We've become an 80's music video effect! CROW: ... so, if we're not gonna die, do I still have to have a time out? JOEL: We can worry about that later, Crow! Sirs, at least tell me you guys know what's going on! [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank, and Lars Ulrich are standing casually together, chatting, each with a cold bottle of beer in hand.] FORRESTER: Well, I can *see* the appeal of the gasoline method, but when it comes to burning down orphanages, I find it most delightful to simply hand the matches over to a small child. That way, all the blame is cast on a popular television show or videogame, which in turn kills joy even for the millions unaffected by the fire. LARS: That's... wow. You are really somethin', dude. FRANK: So what's your particular brand of 'fun' evil, Mr. Ulrich? LARS: Oh, me? I like to tell people that heavy metal's dead. Especially if one of the guys from those goddamn European bands are around. That way, I'm screwing up their careers, and convincing people to buy an album that's basically me and James seeing how much like Alice in Chains we can sound. It's great, man, we're not even good at it, but the money just kept rollin' in.... FORRESTER: Oh, and you say *I'm* something! That's so evil it gives me *chills*! LARS: Oh, go on! [Everyone laughs and sips their beer. Dr. Forrester then, apparently, notices the call from Joel and the Bots.] FORRESTER: ... hey! Aren't you people supposed to be dead? FRANK: Man, what some people won't do to crash a party, huh? LARS: Tell me about it, dude. [SOL.] JOEL: Well, we're sorry to be intruding, but a mysterious power has stopped the Satellite of Love from falling, and there's nothing we can do about it! CROW: Well, we could dress Gypsy up as one of those girls from the Robert Palmer videos. TOM: ... and how's that going to help?! CROW: I dunno. But it'd be pretty neat! [The lights on the SOL suddenly take a red cast, and the particular brand of smoke that drifts off of dry ice begins drifting through the bridge.] MYSTERIOUS VOICE [from off-camera, of course]: You insignificant hosers! Like, I'm the one who stopped the Satellite of Love, eh? And all other forms of evil pale in comparison to my unholy power! [Deep 13.] LARS [peering at the screen]: Dude. That's pretty messed up. FRANK: Guys... I dunno, this has to be serious. He can control the Satellite's *lighting*. FORRESTER [crossing arms]: Well... I *guess* that's kind of evil, but it takes more than good pyro to impress me! Just who are you, anyway? [SOL.] MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm, like, glad you asked! Behold, mortals, for the source of all evil walks among you! I am, like... SATAN! [A tall, pale, skinny, dark-haired man with dark hair wanders on screen. He's clad in fairly nondescript jeans and a black T-shirt, with only his horns, pitchfork, and long red satin cape to announce his Evil (TM) nature. However...] CROW: ... Sweet Christmas! You ARE evil incarnate! You're... you're... TODD MCFARLANE! TODD: Pretty much! Bet you're really surprised, eh? TOM: ... not really. JOEL: Yeah, the whole 'Spawn is a morality play' speeches you were giving on CNN had me suspecting something for a long time. TOM: Yeah, or the fact that Iced Earth are a better bunch of writers than anybody who actually worked on Spawn. CROW: Or that one E.G.O column you did for Wizard that was just a listing of Spawn's sales figure for the month? I mean, what the heck was up with that? TOM: Or that Ryoko action figure you did! She doesn't even *look* like Ryoko! And those Akira figures! Explain that, huh?! TODD: Whoa, whoa! Guys, I'm really flattered that you've been paying so much attention to my efforts to spread evil in the mortal world. Actually, I gotta admit, I'm only Satan on, like, Monday through Wednesday. Rob Liefeld has the gig on Thursday and Fridays, and we're workin' on training a new weekend crew now. Speakin' of which... heya, Clay, Lars! Still gonna meet me on the links at 8 tomorrow? [Deep 13.] LARS: You know it, man. FORRESTER: Why, I wouldn't *dream* of missing it! [SOL] JOEL: ... hey, wait a minute! If I didn't know any better, I'd think this Mr. Ulrich and Dr. Forrester were in league with Satan, and this entire thing was an elaborate scheme to get us to sell our souls! [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester throws up his hands and grins at the camera.] FORRESTER: Oh, okay, I admit it. You got us! As much as we like experimenting on you, booby, I was only one soul away from qualifying for the Diablo-red Gremlin they're giving away this month.... [SOL.] JOEL: I have to say I'm very disappointed in you, Dr. F. TOM: ... why? You knew he was evil. JOEL: ... well, okay, point. TODD: Anyway, I guess you hosers already know the deal, eh? Sign over all of your souls and I'll keep the Satellite of Love from burning up in re-entry, *and* I'll give you all the usual stuff you get with one of our package deals. Like, worldly power and immortality... oh, and even one of those cool flat-screen TV's if ya want it! You should try one out if ya can, they're neat. CROW: I dunno. Isn't threatening us with our impending deaths kind of against procedure? I mean, aren't you supposed to tempt us into falling into a pact with the unholy forces of darkness by our own free will? TODD: Well... y'know, free will is nice and everything, but most of our testing revealed waiting for free will as one of our number one losses of efficiency. We're trying out some more aggressive marketing tactics now. CROW: Oh, really? Wow, I feel so privileged. So, where do we sign? TODD: Oh, just lemme find the paperwork, it only takes a few minutes... JOEL: Hey! You hold it right there, Todd or Lucifer, or whatever your name is! I don't care what you threaten us with, I'm not letting you take any one of our souls! GYPSY: Yeah! Without my soul, I can't love Richard Basehart. TODD: Sure ya can! The new package has, like, provisions just for that kind of thing... GYPSY: Oooh, really? JOEL: Don't listen, Gyps! We've got to stay strong! TOM: But Joel... there's no way out! If we refuse, we all die a fiery death and stuff! It'd take a miracle to get us out of this one without being doomed one way or another! YET ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Did I hear someone say 'miracle', True Believers? TODD: Like, curses! Foiled again! [Todd turns around, as God - who, we will all remember, bears a striking resemblance to Stan Lee - strikes boldly from stage right. The SOL lights abruptly revert to normal.] GOD: Just as I suspected! Flagrant violations of the terms of our conflict, eh? Get thee behind me, foul producer of over-detailed action figures, before I'm forced to declare it Clobberin' Time! I've already teleported the Satellite of Love back to its proper orbit, so your fiendish scheme can never succeed! TODD: ... fine! You've won this time, Supreme Do-Gooder, but there'll come a time when your Deus Ex Machina won't save you anymore! Besides, I've got, like, a 3:30 appointment with Joe Madureira about Battle Chasers. And as for you, Forrester, you know you can kiss that Gremlin goodbye, eh? [Todd covers his face with his cheap satin cape, and disappears in an extremely low-budget puff of fire and brimstone.] [Deep 13.] FORRESTER [doing his best impression of Pedro from Excel Saga]: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [SOL. Stan Lee, Joel, and the Bots all gather around in a horribly photogenic little cluster, and laugh in an utterly wooden, sitcom-ish manner.] TOM: Boy, you really showed that Satan, God! JOEL: Yeah, it's really great of you to come and save us from the forces of evil again! GOD: Well... I look at it this way: the fiendish machinations of Lars Ulrich are one thing no one should have to face on their own, especially a group of harmless, fun-loving kids like you four! [Deep 13.] LARS: Yeah, well, don't think this is the last you've seen of me, God! The next S&M concert is gonna have a full orchestra covering "God That Failed!" FORRESTER: And you'll *pay* for costing me that Gremlin! FRANK [nodding casually and taking a swig from his beer]: Yeah. What they said, pretty much. [SOL.] GOD: Oh, that reminds me! You two nefarious ne'er-do-wells have yet to pay for your crimes! Well, we'll take care of that right now! [God snaps his fingers.] [Deep 13. We see Lars Ulrich suddenly turn around as a finger taps him on the shoulder....] LARS: ... wow! You're Jimi Hendrix! JIMI: Right you are, my man. I have been sent back to this moral coil on a mission of the utmost righteousness. [Jimi Hendrix lifts his exquisitely detailed, restrung Fender Stratocaster, and whallops Lars across the head with it with a resounding 'kabong!' Lars' eyes roll up into the back of his head, and he wobbles slightly before collapsing to the ground.] FRANK: ... dude. JIMI [nodding, as he pulls out a suspiciously-shaped 'cigarette' from his back pocket]: *Dude*. FORRESTER: ... well, it'll take more than the wrath of Jimi Hendrix to take care of me, God! [SOL. ] GOD: Oh, don't worry, I've got plans for you, too. [God snaps his fingers once more.] [Deep 13. A finger suddenly taps Dr. Forrester on the shoulder...] FORRESTER: *WHAT*?!-- Jack Perkins? JACK: That's right, Dr. Forrester. And next up on A&E's Biography, you're about to see your life flash before your eyes. [Jack Perkins lifts the exquisitely detailed, restrung Fender Stratocaster that he's inexplicably holding, and whallops Dr. Forrester across the head with it with a resounding 'kabong!' Dr. Forrester's eyes roll up into the back of his head, and he wobbles slightly before collapsing to the ground.] [SOL. Joel and the Bots stare on in amazement.] GYPSY: Wow. Jimi Hendrix *and* Jack Perkins work for you? GOD: That's right, True Believer! The souls of all things pure and good are as one with Me. JOEL: ... but Jack Perkins isn't dead yet. GOD: A man of my responsibilities can't afford to get bogged down in the details, Mr. Robinson. TOM: Hey, while you're at it, God, think you can return us to Earth so Dr. Forrester can't torture us with bad fanfics anymore? GOD: No, I'm sorry about that, Tom Servo, but I can't. Believe it or not, your suffering here is necessary in order to break about an incomprehensible cosmic good! TOM: ... like *what*? GOD: Making people happy, Mr. Servo. It's all that really matters. TOM: Yeah, well *anybody* who gets off on watching me suffer can jump right up my svelte red butt! JOEL: Tom! Be nice to God. GOD [laughs]: Oh, out from the mouths of babes! Don't worry, Joel, I don't plan on being wrathful. Actually, I can stay with you all for a few more minutes before I've got to jet, so if you have any questions.... CROW: I do, I do! GOD: Then ask away, my Gilded Golden Champion of Comedy! CROW: Why did you turn Superman into Ravage 2099? GOD: ... well... er, that is... JOEL: Um... so, what do you think, sirs? Er... sir? [Deep 13. Frank is standing over by Jimi and appears to be smoking a similar 'cigarette', and occasionally giggling like a schoolgirl. Jack Perkins is standing in the foreground, guitar slung over his shoulder, and is smiling affably into the camera, one foot propped up on the unconscious Dr. Forrester's back.] JACK: And after this rousing tale of combat, friendship, and adventure, we'll be showing "Casablanca," the classic Humphrey Bogart masterpiece about unrequited love in World War II North Africa. Did you know that most of the airplane scenes didn't use real airplanes, but in fact small cardboard cutouts? Midgets were employed in order to make the planes seem life-sized, in a true example of American film-making ingenuity at its finest. This'll all be in just a few moments right here on American Movie Classics. But right now, my good friend and co-star TV's Frank will be exercising his masterful talents by pushing the button. Push the button, won't you, Frank? FRANK [giggling]: We need to get some chips, some pizza, brownies, and some popcorn, taffy... oh! Get some Hershey bars, graham crackers and marshmallows! We'll make S'mores, man! And water! A whole lotta water! And... and Funyuns, yeah!! JACK: ... well! Frank seems a bit indisposed at the moment, so I'm afraid I'll be pushing the button for you. Thank you all for watching, and stay tuned for our exciting new World War II special, right here on A&E! [Jack reaches out and pushes the Button. In the background, we can still hear Frank babbling as Jimi begins to play a discordant version of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Love Theme that continues over the credits.] PWOOSH! ______________________________________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are TM & C Best Brains, Inc. Joel Hodgson, Stanley Leibowitz, Lars Ulrich, Jack Perkins and Todd McFarlane are TM & C themselves. Pokemon is TM & C Nintendo. Jimi Hendrix is... TM & C the Hendrix Estate, I guess. Team Revelations and all related characters are the property of Ryan Edgerton, and are used with his permission. No licenses are claimed or should be implied in the making of this MiSTing, and no money will be made off of it. No Fender Stratocasters were harmed in the making of this MiSTing. SPECIAL THANKS go out to everyone who contributed to the completion of this MiSTing, whether it be by helping with editing or by attending the riffing sessions. The most thanks of all, of course, go out to Ryan Edgerton, who graciously gave permission for this fanfic to be MiSTed. As such, this MiSTing could not possibly exist without him. This MiSTing was the product of the SVAM Saturday Night MiSTing sessions. Riffing sessions are conducted every Saturday night at 7:30 EST on server shevat.polarcom.com, port 6667, in channel #MiSTing. The logs from these MiSTings are heavily edited and elaborated upon to create the final, published product, with credit given where it is due. ______________________________________________________________________________ > OUR GOD IS HOLY, > HE'S MIGHTY HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY! OUR GOD IS HOLY, HE'S MIGHTY > HOLY, OUR GOD IS HOLY!