[ Allow yourself to either visualize the opening sequence or simply skip it.... it's all your choice here. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ Interior of the Satellite of Love. Crow is holding what appears to be a clipboard. Mike and Tom are side by side, across from Crow. ] CROW: OK, next one is "Have you ever stolen something valuable from a major government faction?" MIKE: No, of course not. TOM: Define 'major.' CROW: [puts marks on clipboard] OK, how about "Do you like to torment small animals for personal pleasure?" MIKE: CROW! What kind of questions *are* these, anyway? CROW: Is that a 'yes' or a 'no,' Nelson? MIKE: Crow, can we just stop this, please? [turns and look toward Cambot] Oh, hello everyone. Crow here managed to *somehow* get his hands on some copy of "The Test to Measure Moral Wholesomeness." TOM: Yeah, Crow. Put me down for 'no' on that last one. MIKE: Crow, I fail to see the relevance of any of these questions. These can't possibly apply to anyone with any shred of decency to even be measured! CROW: Wait-wait-wait! I like this next one. "Have you ever been responsible for the destruction of an entire planet?" TOM: Can't say that I have! MIKE: It does NOT say that! CROW: See for yourself. [Mike takes clipboard from Crow.] MIKE: [dumbfounded] Well I'll be... [shakes head back and forth several times] I'm not answering any more of these questions. [ The Mads' Sign flashes; Mike sighs and taps it. ] MIKE: [unenthusiastically] I wasn't abusing small animals. Honest. [ Castle Forrester. Only Pearl is on-screen; things seem unusually quiet. ] PEARL: Wow. You seem about as perky as *I* am. [ SoL. Crow and Tom are gathered around Mike. ] MIKE: It's been a long day, that's all. CROW: He's a bit touchy, today, Mrs. F. [ CF ] PEARL: That'll help things. [sighs] [ SoL ] MIKE: You sound kinda down, Pearl. What's wrong? [ CF ] PEARL: I'm bored as Hell, that's what! Brain Guy and Bobo mentioned something about their 'inner selves' and took off. Said it was one of those 'just the guys' things. [ SoL ] MIKE: So, basically, you've had no one to push around? [ CF ] PEARL: Right. Figured I'd pass on my misery, though. I'm glad to hear that you're in a bad mood. Gets my hopes up. [ SoL ] MIKE: I take it that means... [ CF ] PEARL: Yep. You know the drill. I'd build it up for you, but I just don't feel like thinking too much right now. [ SoL ] MIKE: Not even a little hint? [ CF ] PEARL: [sighs] Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll give you just a bit of fair warning. It stars a familiar group of animals from a familiar Sega game series... [ SoL ] ALL: [aghast] Sonic fic! [ CF ] PEARL: ...featuring everyone's favorite dejected sidekick in a bit of... 'romantic tension,' so-to-speak. I don't want to ruin any more surprises. Have fun. [ SoL. Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: [under his breath] At least the quiz is over... [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone files into seats. ] TOM: What are we thinking, guys? "Tails-Gets-a-Girlfriend" fic? CROW: Maybe it's another "Tails-Deals-with-Puberty" fic. MIKE: Pearl wasn't gloating all that much. Maybe it's actually kinda tame. TOM: I dunno. She seemed to perk up a bit towards the end. MIKE: Here it comes, guys. >Here you go Doujinshika.. hope your happy! :P CROW: Yeah. I hope you're happy, too. MIKE: We're sure not. >Your know the rules: TOM: You do NOT talk about Fight Club! > I DON'T OWN THEM!!!! CROW: [whispering] Gotta catch 'em all... > they belong to someone >else not me!!! MIKE: [motherly] Now now, kids- what did I tell you about playing with things that don't belong to you? > oh one more thing SHOUEN AI!!! ALL: AAAUUGH!!! TOM: [screaming] Why, God? Why? CROW: [catching breath] Hold on... we might be okay! TOM: [trying to calm down] What makes you say that? CROW: It's not a shounen-ai fanfic at all! It's just "shouen ai!" TOM: Well what's THAT mean? CROW: I dunno... I probably know about as much Japanese as the author of this thing... MIKE: Namely, none. > (I remembered!!) CROW: Does that mean that we can forget? TOM: Yeah, please? MIKE: Guys, the fic hasn't even started yet. BOTS: [sigh] > You >know about it and like it? TOM: Well, I don't object to it in principle... but once you start using anthropomorphic animal video game characters... CROW: Do people really want to read things like this? MIKE: Well, considering how many of this type of fic are out there, I think that answer is a depressing 'yes.' > Then continue on my friend, MIKE: Awww... see, we're friends already! CROW: No. No, we are most definitely not. MIKE: Hey, c'mon Crow. Don't be like that. [pats Crow's head] CROW: But... but... aw, OK. > if >not.....shoo! Go away!! TOM: [Ruby Rhod] Bzzz! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! MIKE: See, and after all that talk the author made about being friends. Now I AM disappointed... >Megablackstar MIKE: That's not a very festive-sounding handle. TOM: It's certainly not fitting with that of most shounen-ai authors. CROW: At least not without stretching my imagination beyond what Nelson will probably allow... MIKE: Good. Keep it that way. >Tails' Lover ALL: [long pause] TOM: [whimpering] Ohnononononono... CROW: Please, please, PLEASE say that this isn't an homage to "Artemis' Lover!" MIKE: [somewhat stunned] Could Pearl possibly be so cruel? CROW: Mike... I'm not sure we're going to make it through this. MIKE: Buck up, guys! Maybe this is just here to crush our spirits early on. The fic still hasn't even started yet. TOM: OK, Mike. If I had teeth to grit, I would do so. >"Could you say that again?" TOM: [Regis Philbin] I said, 'Is that your final answer?' CROW: You're not helping my mood any, Regis. >"Sonic, Tails can't go." MIKE: [Sally] Not until he cleans his room, eats his broccoli, and washes behind his ears. >I sighed, another argument between Aunt Sally and Sonic. CROW: [Sonic] No, you TOTALLY said that I could have the guys over tonight to watch the game and play poker! TOM: [Sally] Sonic, you KNOW my book club meets here every third Sunday! Why can't you just watch the game at Rotor's? CROW: [Sonic] Hey, would YOU want to hang out watching a game at a walrus' house? > *Why can't >I go?!!!!!* MIKE: [Sally] I already told you, young man! Now, either stop pouting or go to your room! > My mind screamed. CROW: [Fujin] RAGE. > It just wasn't fair.... I mean Antoine >gets to go and he doesn't even want to!!! TOM: Which is funny, because nobody ever wants to be around Antoine. MIKE: Yeah. When you have to read a typed, stereotypical French accent for too long, you tend to go crazy pretty fast. TOM: That explains us, then. > I sighed again, I really >wanted to see Knuckles again.. next to Sonic he the coolest! CROW: Yeah! He so cool! >"Maybe next time.... " TOM: [Dr. Claw] Next time, Gadget! NEXT TIME! >*Maybe next time.* My mind mocked. MIKE: See Tails. See Tails mock. Mock, Tails, mock! > I'm sick and tired of being >treated like a little kid!!! CROW: Hey, Fanboy. How old is Tails again? TOM: Tails? He's 10 years ol...-HEY! CROW: Thank you. > Its not fair!! MIKE: [Sally] What did I tell you about pouting, young man? CROW: [Tails] Bite me, Your Highness! > Shaking my head, I turn >and walked away. CROW: Shaking my head, I attempt to sort out the tense of that sentence. > *I'm going, whether Aunt Sally likes it or not!!! TOM: Oooh.... feisty! MIKE: Could you please not use that word in reference to a 10-year- old? >I'm not her kid!!!* I froze at that thought. MIKE: "Tails' Lover!" It'll chill you to the very bone! TOM: Or send you to an early grave... >"I'm not her kid..." I whispered, eyes widen then I chuckle, twisted >my tails and started flying. TOM: [starts shaking] Ow! Make the tense-shifting stop! >~later CROW: Ladies and gentleman! The Scene Change! MIKE: Aren't there better ways to indicate the passage of time in writing? TOM: You mean like '-------------------------------------------'? MIKE: Er... not exactly. Let's move on. >"Wow..." I gasped. The floating island was indeed a sight to see. TOM: Indeed! To behold its magnificence was nary an experience on which to pass! MIKE: OK, now YOUR grammar is hurting my head. >Looking down I saw the echidna I came to meet. MIKE: [Knuckles; waving hand] I'm not the echidna you're looking for.... >"Knuckles!!" I waved to the Guardian, who was sitting on a large >rock in middle of the river. CROW: Hey, I think that's the most description of setting we've had the entire fic! TOM: And not one mention of anyone wearing "tennis!" MIKE: See! There's hope yet! >~~~Knuckles MIKE: OK, guys. Guesses on what this is? CROW: Tails introspectively thinking about Knuckles? TOM: Another scene change? >"Huh?" I looked up to see.. TAILS?! TOM: Oh no... I think we just switched perspectives. MIKE: This has the potential to become very confusing... CROW: I REALLY hope this doesn't turn lemony... MIKE, TOM: AAAGH! MIKE: Please! Don't jinx it! TOM: Mike... hold me. MIKE: Sorry, but I'd like to avoid physical contact for a while. > What on Mobius is he doing here? TOM: It's a Plot Device! Knuckles, run for your life! >"Tails!" I exclaimed, as the cub landed next to me. CROW: Oh, so now Tails is a young bear. I've heard about being written out of character, but this has to take SOME sort of award. TOM: What are young foxes called? Puppies? MIKE: I think they're kits. TOM: You sure? MIKE: Yeah, I think so. >"Yea! You were expecting... CROW: [Church Lady] ...SATAN? > Sonic maybe?" >"Nope, not really.." MIKE: [Knuckles] Then again, you're not much better. > I chuckle. "Say Tails what are you doing here >anyways?" TOM: [Tails] Oh, y'know... just haven't, um, stopped by in a while. By the way, is true what Sonic said about you having a Playstation 2? >"I wanted to see you again.. and... and." CROW: Uh-oh... I'm detecting the 'Crush on Knuckles' plot twist! MIKE: I don't think the plot has progressed enough for a 'twist' to take place. CROW: Fine. It's a plot... contrivance. MIKE: Good job. >I felt flatter Tails wanted to see me but I have a feeling something >up. ALL: Ummm... MIKE: [stares blankly at sentence] TOM: Mike... is something dirty going on in that sentence? MIKE: [still staring] I'm trying to figure that out. >"Tails? Hey man what's wrong?" I asked, MIKE: [Tails] Knuckles. Buddy. Pal. Spare 10 bucks for a fox who's down on his luck? > placing a glove hand on the >cub's shoulder. TOM: Mike... I don't know how much longer this fic can hold out before degenerating into smut. MIKE: The two of you, stop it! We've had no indications at all that this fic is going to turn into a lemon. You'll feel a lot better if you just stop trying to think about that. CROW: Fine. But if it DOES happen, don't say we didn't warn you. >Before I had a chance to blink, Tail grabbed me into a hug and >started crying. TOM: [Tails] PLEEEEASE can I use your Playstation 2? Just for 10 minutes, then I promise I'll go home! >"Tails? Tails!!? What is going on?" MIKE: [Tails; sobbing] Someone's writing fanfics about me again... > I asked worriedly, as I rub the >kit on the head. CROW: Wow, look! The author finally starting using the right animal terminology! MIKE: Things are looking up! >"Aunt Sally said I couldn't come to.. to... see you.." CROW: Yep. It's Knuckles. Definitely Knuckles. MIKE: What is? CROW: "Tails' Lover." The signs are all in place. Now to just wait it out. >Ah so that's it! Sal didn't want Tails to come and visit yours >truly. I wonder why? TOM: She said that 10-year-olds should probably avoid starring in slash fanfics. >"Its ok Tails, I'll CROW: [Knuckles] ...let you use my PS2! Just stop whining already! > talk to Sally and see what's going on." MIKE: [Sally; waving hand] I'm not the, er... squirrel you're looking for... CROW: That joke only works once, Nelson. TOM: Yeah, if you needed a 'Star Wars' joke, you could have at least done something with the fact that she's a princess. MIKE: Hey, I didn't see either of you try and do any better. >"You mean you won't take me back?" TOM: I REALLY hope that doesn't mean what I'm interpreting it as. CROW: Don't think about it, Servo. Don't think about it. MIKE: I'm so glad that you guys are following my advice. >"Of course not! MIKE: Whoa, Knuckles... you heartbreaker! > I mean you here aren't ya?" CROW: False alarm! Just poor phrasing and bad writing. Move along. >He nodded with a smile, as the tears fell. >"Now how about stopping your crying ok?" CROW: [Tails] I'll stop crying when this fanfic is over. Deal? >"Okay.." He said, wiping his eyes. >"Ready to go exploring?" TOM: Shouldn't it stand to reason that Knuckles wouldn't have much need of exploring his own island? CROW: Maybe Knuckles just wants to do some male bonding with Tails. [notices glare from Mike] I mean that in the most innocent way possible, of course. >"YEA!!!" He cheered, hugging me tighter. MIKE: Have you hugged YOUR echidna today? >"Then lets go!" I laughed, getting to my feet. >"Walk, fly or...ride?" I asked slyly. TOM: Knuckles, you sly devil... just what are you up to, eh? >He's eyes sparkle, then he spoke, CROW: Then changes the tense, and then answered, > "RIDE!!!" ALL: [begin humming 'Magic Carpet Ride'] >"Hop on kid!" I motion to my back, TOM: G'AAAH! It's happening! MIKE: No it's not, Tom! Just keep reading! > as he hopped on I started running >across the water. MIKE: See? Now what did I tell you about getting presumptuous? You're doing more hurt yourself than the fanfic is. TOM: [calming down] Sorry about that... I'll be good. >"This is great Knuckles!!" He laughed, clinging to me tighter. MIKE: Tails seems to be treating Knuckles like a giant plushie. CROW: You mean that echidnas don't instantly strike you as being extremely cuddly? MIKE: Not instantly, no. >I smiled, hearing the laughter of the cub ringing threw my ears. TOM: Shouldn't that read, "hearing the laughter of the cub ringing caused my ears to be thrown?" CROW: Only if that wasn't, in fact, a spelling error. MIKE: Wow, we're getting some obscure grammar remarks today... >~~~ >Sonic MIKE: Hold on to your seats, guys! We've hit another dizzying mind-swap, if I'm not mistaken. >"TAILS!!!!" Oh man where is he? TOM: [Sonic] He NEVER misses Prince spaghetti night! > If anything happen to Tails.. I.. I >don't know what I'll do. CROW: [Sonic] I paid him ten bucks to do my research paper for me... >"HEY BIG GUY!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?" MIKE: He might be easier to find if you could see past all the punctuation. > I yelled, as I ran around >Knothole. Tails... Li'bro where are you? Waitaminute! There's Amy! MIKE: Hey, Sonic's thought process creates about as much of a blur as when he runs. >"Amy!" I called to the pink hedgehog, stopping short, in front of >her. >"Huh? SONIC!!" She cheered. ALL: [cheerleading] Sonic, Sonic, he's our man...! >I didn't want to waste anytime so I spoke, "Amy have you seen >Tails?" CROW: [Sonic] Or, if you haven't, do you know anything about research papers? >"Well... yes as I matter fact I did!" She smiled brightly. TOM: [Amy] But, it'll cost ya... [cackles wickedly] MIKE: Tom? Feeling OK? TOM: [continues cackling] >"Where is he?" I asked impatiently. TOM: [as Amy, still cackling] I'll never tell you! Never, I say! MIKE: [lightly smacks Tom's dome; Tom stops cackling] Stop that. It's freaking me out. >"Is he going to be in trouble?" She asked worriedly. CROW: [Amy] Because if he is, I wanna watch! >"No." *But you will if you don't tell me!!* I thought. TOM: Ooh... feisty! MIKE: That instance wasn't much better, Tom. >"I saw him fly to Angel IsLand..." >I revved up, and left before she could finish. CROW: [Amy] Heh heh... sucker...! >*Hold on Li'bro, I'm coming!* ALL: [hum 'Speed Racer' theme] >~~~Tails >Oh man! TOM: [Tails] We're in MY mind again! Crud! > Knuckles is sooo cool! He's the best! MIKE: I think the author is trying to establish that Tails looks up to Knuckles just a LITTLE bit... CROW: [dryly] Gee, Mike. What gave you that idea? >"Um...Knuckles?" I asked, we were both sitting on a branch, munching >a piece of fruit. CROW: [singing] Tails and Knuckles, sittin' in a tree... >"Yea Tails?" >"Do you think I'm a little kid?" TOM: I'll give you a hint, Knuckles: say yes. The fic will end on grounds of wrongness. >"Well you looked like one,.." >I frowned. MIKE: Aww, you made Tails sad! You meanie! CROW: Bad Knuckles! No biscuit! >"but we both know your not." He wink at me, and smiled. MIKE: [Knuckles] Here's lookin' at you, kit... BOTS: [groan] TOM: I thought you were supposed to be supportive, Mike... MIKE: What? Was it THAT bad? >"Thanks Knuckles!" I laughed, chopping the last of my fruit. TOM: When you're up in a tree, make sure you slice your fruit into suitably small pieces, such that you don't inadvertently fall while eating. >"TAILS!!!" >"huh?" We both looked at each other for a second. TOM: Aww, it's a Kodak moment... ALL: Aww.... >"That's Sonic!" Knuckles exclaimed. CROW: [Knuckles] Time to turn off all the lights, lock the door, and pretend that I'm not home. >"TAILS!!! SWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOU?!!!" TOM: That had better not still be Sonic... >"THAT'S Sally...." TOM: THAT'S good. CROW: Just remember what you're reading here. TOM: Fine. Ruin my brief moment of hope. MIKE: Hey, we can still hope that the author never finished the fic. > I murmur, with a frowned. MIKE: C'mon, Tails. It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. >"Don't worry man." Knuckles smiled, as he slap my back. TOM: [Tails] Which made me fall off the branch and land on the ground below, breaking both of my legs and causing a severe concussion. >Then without breaking his stride, he jumped down, with a twist. MIKE: Shaken, not stirred. CROW: Is *that* how this fic is destined to leave us? >"Awesome!" MIKE: Rad! CROW: Tubular! TOM: Bodacious! > I exclaimed, hovering at his side. >"Thanks!" He smirked then we headed over to the voices of my >doom--er Friends. TOM: Run for you lives! It's Jennifer Aniston! >"Knuckles?" >"Yea Tails?" CROW: [Tails] Have I mentioned how cool and awesome and wonderful you are lately? >"If things go ugly, could I stay with you?" I stop hovering and turn >to face him. MIKE: On that note, a break is in order. CROW: Very much so. [ Everyone exits the theater. ] [ Take a break. Make up some commercials. ]