Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text! Episode #101: Team Revelation, Part 1 Group Editor: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara Additonal Edits: the various participants of #shoptalk (To whom many thanks are owed) Skits by Alicia Ashby and Matt Linkous MiSTed by: Antaeus Feldspar [afeldspar@cryogen.com] Alicia Ashby [lynxara@hotmail.com] Ben-San Arizona [unspokenname@hotmail.com] Amanda Berman [A3j1112@aol.com] Kenny Blackwell [Seijimei@webtv.net] Andrew Cadzow [cadz0001@algonquinc.on.ca] Spider [Spider256@hotmail.com] John Felix [oderusu@mscomm.com] Glazius Falconar [glaziusfalconar@email.msn.com] Jason Holland [BigSky553@aol.com] Damien Karolev [damienk@polarcom.com] Michael Leal [songoku@techisp.com] Newaz [tonnstatue@hotmail.com] Ryan Powers [Discord999@aol.com] Justin Rau [arsenal13@usa.net] Michael Rivman [MechaCrash@aol.com] Steve Savage [badger@infinet.com] Shelby Scott [sks1229@bellsouth.net] Hakan Svensson [d95-hsv@nada.kth.se] Betsy Tremaine [ninjakitty@team-rocket.net] Amanda Van Rhyn [avanrhyn.lnk@ispi.net] Chris Waters [waterstimberlake@erols.com] Jeff Yang [kikuko__inoue@yahoo.com] _________________________________________________________________ In the not-too-distant future-- That's someday, A.D.-- There was still a guy named Joel, Not too different from you or me. He was still trapped by Gizmonic Institute, A test case stuck in a red jumpsuit. Without Mike Nelson to take his place, Dr. Forrester still had him Locked up in deep space. I've sent him cheesy movies, The worst I could find (la-la-la). But he's sat there and watched them all, And he's still feelin' fine. (la-la-la). But don't think that means I can't break Joel - No, this is far from the end! (la-la-la) I'll just have to use some desperate tricks To destroy him and his friends! Robot Roll Call: (My robot friends!) Cambot! (The strong, silent type.) Gypsy! (Still in charge!) Tom Servo! (And I'm still a cool guy!) Croooow! (Oh, you *wish*...) So if you're wondering how he eats and breathes and why the continuity hack (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text!" [Guitar twang, and... open on the SOL Bridge. Joel is sitting on the standard control console in the lotus position, eyes closed. He has an even more profoundly relaxed look on his face than usual. Crow at his side with his spindly, otherwise rarely-seen legs twisted into much the same position. Tom is up on the countertop, too, but that's hardly any different from the usual.] JOEL [suddenly opening eyes]: Oh! Hey, didn't notice ya there. Well, welcome to the Satellite of Love, everybody. If you wanna know why it's so peaceful here today, well, I knew today was the day Dr. F was gonna start up his new mystery experiment on us. So, I decided I'd prepare for it by having the Satellite try out some deep relaxation techniques. Right now, we're meditating, and I'd say the little guys are taking to it really well. CROW [suddenly]: Joel! JoelJoelJoelJoel!! JOEL: What, Crow? CROW: It finally came to me, Joel! A mystic inner revelation, a profound immutable truth! JOEL: Really? Like what? CROW: Well, my spirit was floating upon the river of eternal peace, when I finally realized that, deep down in my soul, I think having to sit around like this is really stupid. My legs hurt, and this sucks. JOEL: C'mon, Crow, give it a chance. It'll be good for you! TOM: Look, could the two of you pipe down a bit, *please*? I'm trying to talk to *God*. [muttered] So, anyway, you were saying? CROW: Awww, how come he got to talk to God and all I got was leg cramps? JOEL: Are you sure it's God, Tom? The creator of the universe, spirit of absolute good and justice and transcendent peace and all that? TOM [sighs]: Nothing so *mundane*, Joel. I managed to contact the departed spirit of George Burns, and I'm trying to make the most out of the time he can share with me before his 4:30 lunch with Groucho Marx. JOEL: Oh, that's nice. Carry on, Tom. CROW: Joel, this bites. When is all this meditation going to pay off for me? JOEL: I dunno... maybe you need a little bit of inspiration! Hey, Gypsy, come read some of the sacred Tao to inspire Crow! GYPSY [O. S.]: Be there in a minute! [CROW falls silent, as Joel returns to meditation. Eventually, the camera pans in to focus on him.] CROW: Hoo, boy... we'll be right back, folks. [Crow manages to tilt over and bash an arm into the flashing Commercial Sign light.] [Commercials. Watch Dennis Miller and Damon Wayans sell out for 1-800-COLLECT!] [We cut back to the SOL. Joel, Crow, and Tom are in their previous positions, but they have their backs to the camera now, and are listening intently to Gypsy. She is reading from a book on a stand in front of her, doing her best to sound mysterious and profound.] GYPSY: The Richard Basehart that can be spoken is not the true Richard Basehart. OTHERS: Oooooooh. [They politely applaud, as Gypsy takes her bows. The Mads light begins flashing.] CROW: Um... hey, Joel, Speed Buggy and Jabberjaw are calling. JOEL: Oh, right. [Joel twists around, and taps the flashing light.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and Frank are standing in front of a large piece of canvas held up on an easel, covered by a piece of cloth. As per usual, Dr. F is evilly smug, and Frank is innocently clueless.] DR. F: Greetings, Jefferson Starship. I see you and your little wind-up toys have been trying to contact the mysterious rhythms of the universe, or whatever. Well, you just remember that while you sit up there, twisting yourselves like human pretzels and wondering about the sound of one hand clapping, Frank and I are preparing for the *true* second coming. [The camera pans back to reveal Forrester with HUGE teased out hair (think "Young Einstein"), a ripped up lime green tank-top and painfully tight leopard-spot patterned spandex pants. Frank is peering out from behind a massive set of drums, his hair also teased out but spit curl still in place - albeit larger than ever, thanks to the wonders of hair gel. Any trace of the Deep 13 lab is completely obscured by stacks and stacks of Fender amps, some of which could not possibly serve any purpose or connect to anything.] DR.F: The return of... GLAM ROCK!! [Forrester's voice echoes cheesily on cue and he starts playing badly along with his prerecorded lip-synch tape. Smoke machines begin filling the room, and the camera zooms wildly in and out from both Forrester and Frank. Forrester pouts and moves his fingers up and down the guitar in a profoundly spastic fashion, while Frank repeatedly attempts the Tommy Lee-style drumstick twirl. Naturally, he merely launches them into air behind him on every try, but he keeps picking them up and trying again like the little trooper he is.] [SOL.] CROW: Joel, is Dr. Forrester a transvestite now? JOEL: No, honey, he's John Bon Jovi. TOM: Or James Hetfield in the early nineties. GYPSY: He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that's gonna make us feel all right. [DEEP 13. Forrester and Frank stand sweating and drinking profusely from water bottles, as a pre-recorded standing ovation plays.] FRANK: Deep Thirteen, you guys ROCK! WHOO! [The entire audience, consisting of Jerry and Sylvia the Mole People, applauds enthusiastically.] FORRESTER: And I'll be seein' you tomorrow night, babe. [Forrester levels a chilling attempt at a sexy wink at Sylvia, who blushes profusely. Needless to say, that's disturbing too.] [SOL] TOM: Um... wow. CROW: Damn, Joel, can we come up with anything to counter the evil factor of *that*? JOEL: If once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. We can at least come up with something less stupid looking. TOM: Well, that goes without saying. [DEEP 13] DR. F: You think you can do better, neomaxizoomdweebie? Go on and *try*. [SOL.] JOEL: Why, thank you, sir, I think I will. Our invention this week is the Revamper. [Joel steps back, waving a hand over a machine that has conveniently appeared on the bridge console. It resembles a fax machine with no phone attached to a computer of some kind.] CROW: Y'know how the defining trait of the nineties has been to never, *ever* come up with an original idea if you can possibly help it? TOM: Resulting in waves of rehashed trends presented as 'new' in fashion, movies, and television, not to mention classics 'updating' themselves in much the same way Coca-Cola updated itself into New Coke. JOEL: Well, the Revamper takes that process and makes it *that* much easier. Just watch. [Joel holds up a head-shot of Eric Clapton from the early seventies.] JOEL: Here we have the electric guitar genius and all around classic rock god, Eric Clapton. Let's see what happens when you run him through the Revamper! [Joel inserts the photo through the machine. A new headshot emerges, this one of Clapton from his appearance on MTV Unplugged] JOEL: Oh, wow. Now he's a somber, acoustic bluesman who's soothing, melancholy sound is far more palatable to his aging audience. Anybody want to guess why? GYPSY: Because nothing is sacred? JOEL: Thats right, even the once-great American institution of rock and roll. Unless its-- TOM [Jumping up and down enthusiastically]: Oh, I know! I know! Hootie and the Blowfish! They rock in an extremely laid-back, conservative, sensible manner. JOEL: Yes. Good, friendly rock music that the whole family can enjoy. CROW: Hey, I've got something for the Revamper, too! How about if we ran through the delightfully cheesy Hanna-Barbera cartoon about the DC Superheroes, the Superfriends? It emphasized the wholesome virtues of friendship and understanding in a boringly non-violent way! [Joel pulls a Superfriends animation cel from behind the bridge, and then sends it through.] JOEL: Well, let's see here... hey, look at that! TOM: Did we get something cool, like 'Batman: The Animated Series'? JOEL: No... we got 'The Super Friends', about the zany adventures of Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Zatanna, and Black Canary as they share a pair of apartments in New York and drink coffee together. TOM: Well, at least the Wonder Twins aren't in it. JOEL: Indeed they aren't, Tom Servo. Crow, do you have an idea for the Revamper? CROW: You betcha, Joel! I wanna see what happens when you revamp the *greatest* videogame of all time! JOEL: Oh, Bubble Bobble? CROW: Er... no. TOM: Mega Man II? CROW: No. JOEL: Final Fantasy? CROW: *No*... TOM: River City Ransom? CROW: NO! I speak of *Pong*, you philistines, Pong! JOEL: Oh. Well, why didn't you just say so? [Joel pulls out a large, glossy screen shot photo of the classic Pong game in action, and runs it through the Revamper.] CROW: So, what's it like now? Does it have beautifully rendered CGI cutscenes or a sweeping romantic storyline or marketable fanservice characters or tons and tons of hidden secrets and subgames? JOEL: It's... still just Pong, Crow. CROW: What?! Come on, at least tell the graphics are better! TOM: Crow, it's Pong. Even if the graphics *did* get better, how could you tell? CROW: ... shut up, Tom. Joel, this invention sucks, I wanted to get Super Killer Neo Hyper DeathPong 2000 Alpha 3. JOEL: We all did, honey, but some things just can't be made hip. TOM [watching screen]: Wait... wait! This Pong has a built-in *modem* and web browser! It's thinking, I tell you! It's THINKING! THINKIIING! CROW: Joel, Tom's Charlton Heston chip is in overdrive again. TOM: NEO PONG IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEEEOPLE! JOEL: ... I think he's due for servicing, yes. Well, anyway, whaddaya think, sirs? [DEEP 13. The hundreds and hundreds of Fender Amps are now inexplicably gone, replaced with cheap, thoroughly trashed hotel furniture. Forrester sits on a lumpy couch, exhausted and shirtless, with a near-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Dr. F is practically swimming in 80's rock groupies - well, okay, it's just Sylvia in a T-shirt sitting sort of close to him - but he's lovin' it. Meanwhile, Frank is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, apparently stoned out of his gourd or listening to Yanni.] DR. F: Frank, duuuuude... you still rockin', man? FRANK [mellow]: I'm a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride, man. [Frank's eyes then roll back into his head, and he passes out, flopping to the floor. Forrester looks at him for a second, then glances up at the screen.] DR. F: Whoa. Well, since I kinda can't afford to show you guys any more movies, I'm gonna send ya somethin' I found on some kid's website. It's a piece of Pokemon fan fiction called "Team Revelation", and it makes the Bible into a healthy wholesome breakfast treat the whole family can enjoy. Or something. Anyway, enjoy your suffering and stuff. Frank, send them the fanfic. [There is a long pause, in which nothing happens save Dr. F teetering dangerously on his seat and Frank twitching slightly on the floor.] DR. F: Oh. Right. [Dr. F taps the transmission button himself, then begins air guitaring spastically.] [SOL. The Movie Sign lights and buzzers are going off, with Joel and the bots panicking as per usual.] JOEL: Oh, no! WE'VE GOT MO-- er, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [The three enter the theater, and take their usual seats.] TOM: At least we're getting something based off of a fun video game. JOEL: Sonic the Hedgehog was a fun video game too, Tom. TOM: ... point. >From: Arc Angels CROW : Arc Angellll, Arc Angelllll ... will you be miiiine ... >To: lynxara@hotmail.com >Subject: I've got a fanfic for you, if you're ready for it. Get >ready for a whole new breed of Pokemon Heroes! TOM: A new breed of Pokemon Heroes? Have they been spayed? >Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 14:59:12 -0400 >TEAM REVELATION JOEL : The revelation ... TOM: So revelatory, it had to be in ALL CAPS! >"Hand over the Pikachu, you little brat." Jessie exclaimed. James chimed >in. "This time we've got you!" CROW: Ash, having seen Jessie and James screw up 1,056 other times, just laughed himself sick >"Meowth! I told you guys this was gonna work." The feline Pokemon purred. TOM: Exclaimed, chimed, purred... can I please just get "said"? Just once? >Trapped in a deep hole with Pikachu by his side, Ash Catchem began to >panic. At the last Pokemon Center he'd been to, Team Rocket had somehow >gotten their hands on Ash's Pokeballs and replaced them with empties. JOEL : We've secretly replaced Ash's pokeballs with Folger's Crystals! Let's see if he notices the difference. CROW: I could make a tasteless comment about emptying his balls, but I won't. You're welcome. TOM: I could also comment on James getting his hands on Ash's balls, but I won't. JOEL: Guys, it's a bit early to be starting this... >To >make matters worse, Misty and Brock were presently ensnared in >a net hanging from a nearby tree, hopelessly entangled and unable to reach >their Pokemon. Still worse, Jessie and James had on those annoying rubber >suits. TOM: Which, ironically, they were wearing for recreational purposes. >For the first time since the St. Anne, Ash thought he might >actually lose to Team Rocket. CROW: Ouch. Losing to Team Rocket is like getting beaten up by Wesley Crusher. TOM: Yeah, or getting a black eye from Annie Potts. >"I'll never give up Pikachu!" Ash boldly protested. JOEL: Give me Pikachu, or give me death! >"You don't have a choice. Hand over Pikachu or we'll fill that >hole with Acid and Sludge. CROW : Jessie, where'd we put the acid? TOM : Why, it's right here in my backp... uh-oh. >Either way, we win." James gloated as he held up his >trademark rose. JOEL: Meanwhile, Pikachu was slowly crawling to safety. "To hell with the kid," Pikachu thought to himself . >Two seconds later, a fireball exploded from a nearby >tree, setting the rose hopelessly on fire. James screamed and dropped the >flower into the pit. CROW: Uh-oh. The plot just erupted. >After he recovered from the shock he'd received, >James glared into the forests where the fireball originated, looking just >about ready to kill someone. JOEL: James Hallendale: truly a menacing, dark figure of terror. >"Who did that!?!" James looked ready to cry. "Who torched my rose!?!" CROW: James and the Flaming Rose. Sounds appropriate somehow JOEL : Dammit! That rose was my best friend! >With that, the sound of a pokeball retrieving it's Pokemon could plainly be >heard, then four figures stepped out of the woods. The one in the lead >appeared to be wearing a silver jacket over a Team Rocket uniform. TOM: ... JOEL : Oh no, scabs! CROW: Welcome to POKEMON ... is ... JERICHO!!! TOM: ... dammit, my head's going to end up exploding again before this is over, isn't it? *Isn't* it?! JOEL: Tom... just stay calm. Your head can't explode unless you *let* it explode. TOM: Oh, that's easy for *you* to say. If your head explodes, you get to know the sweet embrace of death. JOEL: ... um... let's move on. >"Hey, look. It's team rocket-scientists." The leader of the team joked. One >of the two boys behind him shook his head. CROW: Causing a rattle. >"You guys just don't know when to throw in the towel, do you?" >Then a young girl's voice chimed in. "I guess we'll just have to teach you >to respect other people's property." TOM: "On behalf of the moon, we will punish you!" [pause] TOM: ... Kill me, please. >Jessie, by now looked just about as boiled over as James. JOEL: A watched Jessie usually never boils >"Who do you think you are?! No one insults Team Rocket and get's away with >it!" JOEL: Um, no, plenty of people do. CROW: Actually, most people insult them, leave them with crippling injuries, and *then* get away with it. >"Don't worry. We'll tell you who we are..." shortly after, theme music for >Team Rocket began to play. TOM: Good thing they brought their own audio equipment. >"Hey!" Meowth thought out loud. "I thought I left the tape player in the >balloon." CROW: IT IS BAA-LOOOOOOOON!!!! TOM: That would be a speech balloon, considering how the fourth wall has been doing so far. >"TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEMONIC POWER." The leader said. JOEL: *What*? CROW: Oh god, no. TOM: Please, nonononoo... JOEL: Yes, banish the Great Satan that *is* Team Rocket! CROW: If Team Rocket is Satan then I don't see why we needed Jesus. >The younger >one with a blue R on his uniform continued. "TO RESCUE PEOPLE IN THEIR >DARKEST HOUR." JOEL: "TO DESTROY JAMES' FAVORITE FLOWER." CROW: Oh, wait, I get it. They're happy, shiny, nice Team Rocket! TOM [sighs]: In brightest day, in blackest night, no crappy SI shall escape my sight. >"TO PRONOUNCE THE POWER OF OUR CREATOR'S LOVE!" Stated the third boy, who's >R was bright green. JOEL : What the world needs now is love, sweet love... >"TO EXTEND THAT TRUTH TO THE STARS ABOVE!" >Concluded the young girl, who's R was intense neon blue. JOEL: What is a MILD neon blue? CROW: Yes! Haha! Prepare for color-coded JUSTICE! >"RYAN!" >"DEVAN!" >"GARRETT!" JOEL: Sneezy! Happy! Dopey! TOM : KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! >"And don't forget JENNIFER!" CROW [sighs]: Oh, who CAN forget Jennifer... >They had all stepped into the light now and their features were >clearly defined. Ryan and Devan both had dark black hair and deep >green/brown eyes. TOM: Um, this is outdoors, I think, isn't it? ... ah, hell, it's already *starting*. JOEL: Oh, you'll make it. >Garrett bore flashy blond hair and saffire blue eyes. Jenna's curly golden >hair fell at her sides with notable length, and her shadowy brown eyes >twinkled with excitement. JOEL: Ah, an almost Ratliff-ian detail to the characters' hair. >They all had on Team Rocket uniforms with >only one minor difference, that down the flat side of the R, in >white letters, were the words "TEAM REVELATION". TOM: Which, at that distance, were impossible to read, but trust us on this one. >"WE ARE TEAM REVELATION, SWORN DEFENDERS OF THE GOSPEL OF >JESUS CHRIST." Ryan and Devan stated collectively. CROW: We kick ass for the lord! >"WE'LL MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON'T WIN THIS FIGHT!" Garrett >and Jennifer finished the comprehensive motto with more spunk than you can >shake an Onix at. CROW: ... I'm saying nothing. That's just too easy. TOM: Words fail me. They completely fail me. >For a few moments, Team Rocket just stared at their adversaries, then burst >out in hysterical laughter. TOM : Someone stupider than us! Wheeeee! >"Mind telling me what's so funny?" Garrett glared at Team Rocket angrily. CROW : Your silly outfits and that stupid mott-- hey, wait a minute... >"Don't tell me you twerps actually believe all that church stuff." James >stated, still laughing. Jessie went on, saying. "These brats are dumber >than Ash, Misty, and Brock put together!" CROW : Um, that STILL makes them smarter than us... >"HEY!" The trio screamed in unison. JOEL: Ow. Nice harmonization. >"We'll teach you losers not to mess with, the-one-and-only, TEAM ROCKET!" >Jessie and James hurtled their Pokeballs straight >at Team Revelation, who were now reaching for their pokeballs as well. TOM : Goodness gracious, great pokeballs of fire! CROW : We've got the biggest pokeballs of them all! >"Arbok! >Weesing! Put these goodie-two-shoes out of commission!" JOEL : Goodie two, goodie two, goodie goodie two shoes... TOM : Weesing siamese if you please... CROW : Issing, youssing, weesing together.. >"We'll show you!" Ryan commanded, his pokeball flying out of his hands. >"Charmander! Show 'em who's boss!" TOM: Bruce Springsteen? CROW: If Tony Danza shows up, I'm gone. > "Ghastly! Go!" > "Staru! Do your stuff!" > "I choose you, Pikachu!" JOEL: "Uh... we're not the witty members." >*Chapter 2* > "Weesing! Poison gas these showoffs!" James yelled, still a little >peeved about the rose. JOEL: "Peeved About The Rose": The new album from Jewel. CROW: Aww... poor James was deflowered. [pause] CROW: What? >"Arbok! Glare attack that Pikachu. It might be worth as much as >the twerps Pikachu." Jessie added. CROW : Teacher! Arbok's looking at me funny! >The two poison Pokemon sped across the battlefield with fierce >intensity, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. Arbok's eyes >began to glow as Weesing let out a blast of poison gas. TOM: Cool! Arbok's about to go SSJ! CROW : Oooo ... pardon me. JOEL: Okay... guys, can we make poison gas riffs that *aren't* about flatulence? TOM: Eh, just let him get it out of his system. > "Charmander! Flame Thrower now!" CROW : Are you implying that I use *prosthetics*?! > "Ghastly! Hypnosis on Arbok now!" JOEL: So, Ghastly pulls out a watch and says "You are getting sleepy, very sleepy..." >Charmander jumped out of the way of a huge gas cloud and ignited his flame >thrower, aiming for the part of the cloud nearest Weesing. There was a huge >explosion that sent Weesing flying into the pit. TOM : OW! Um, guys? I think I'm bleeding internally now... CROW : Looks like Wheezing's farting off agaiiiiiiiiiin! [Joel audibly sighs.] >"Hey!" Ash screamed. "Watch where you're attacking! I almost got hit by a >two-headed fart!" Misty let out a little giggle. [There is stunned silence.] TOM: Did Terrence and Phillip write this fic? JOEL: Now *that's* an invention... the Amazing Self-Riffing Fan Fic. >Ghastly's hypnotic waves slowly faded into view as Arbok lunged >at it. Of course, Arbok passed straight through the vapor Pokemon, getting >a rock stuck in it's jaws. JOEL : D'OH!!! TOM : Hey! Let the Rock go, you slithery jabronie! >Weesing floated back out of the hole, only to be >hit from behind by an air born Staru. James was unable to evade >the collision with his huge Pokemon. TOM: At least James is in-character. As dumb as ever. >Meanwhile, Jennifer was having the time of her life playing "Keep Meowth in >the Air". Pikachu's thunderbolt blasted Meowth >each time the Pokemon began to fall to the ground. CROW: Whoa! Jennifer's Pikachu is a real dickweed. TOM: Yes, as we all know, electrical pressure is *so* incredibly powerful... JOEL: It's... uh... *holy* lightning. >"Charmander! Flame Thrower Jessie and James!" Flames erupted from >Charmander's mouth, incinerating Jessie and James's electric-proof suits. JOEL: ... and their flesh CROW: So... they're naked? TOM: I have mixed feelings about that possibility. CROW: Naked singed Jessie, Tom. TOM: Yeah, but James is TINY. JOEL: Guys, we're getting into a real weird area here... >"I told you we should have these suits fire proofed!" Jessie wailed when >the blast stopped. The charred suits barely clung to their scorched corpses >in small shreds. ALL: ... TOM: Corpses?! What happened to Thou Shalt Not Kill? JOEL: Apparently, Team Revelation has about the same religious ideals as the Crusaders. CROW: ... and how can they be talking if they're corpses?! JOEL: Just don't think about it too hard, honey. >"Staru! Water Gun Attack!" The hydraulic pillar struck Team Rocket head-on, >easily blowing away the remains of the Anti-Pikachu suits. It was a miracle >that Jessie and James hadn't gone into shock. TOM: Ah, the good old tradition of torturing the nonbelievers. JOEL: So, they're dead but not shocked. And naked. CROW: And wet. Mmm... >Then Meowth >landed on Jessie's head, causing her huge mess of hair (or what >was left of it) to stand straight up with static cling. JOEL: Uh.. right. CROW: Ha! it's wacky! TOM: Um... Hello? Physics? JOEL: "Physics isn't in right now. Please leave a message at the tone." >From the ashes of the Anti-Pikachu suits, Ash located his four >pokeballs. During the flame thrower attack, he had climbed up out of the >pit, (a miracle he could only attribute to falling in holes so often,) and >was now ready for action! CROW: But action wasn't ready for him! TOM: So... he could have escaped the pit at any time. JOEL: And I thought all his balls had been replaced with empties... >"I'll take it from here. Pikachu, it's blast off time!" TOM: Which Pikachu? JOEL : Blast off yourself! >"Pi...Ka..." Sparks began to build on Pikachu's cheeks in preparation for a >powerful Thunderbolt. "CHU!!" CROW: Gesundheit. JOEL: Thunderbolts are GO! >Electricity ripped across the open plane, sending Jessie, James, Meowth, >Weesing and Arbok hurtling towards the sky. TOM: Again, because of the massive kinetic force of electrical discharges. JOEL: Maybe Pikachu makes big chunky electrons. >"We're blasting off again...!" Team aerospace collectively stated. CROW: Team Fokker is blasting off again! TOM : I can see my house from heeeeere!! >*Chapter 3* > "Who are you guys? Thanks for saving me and Pikachu, but I usually >like to know who it was that saved my tail." Ash >asked. JOEL: "Oh, we're just the Regularly Scheduled Self-Insertions. Pleased to meet you!" >Pikachu waved across the field at Jennifer's Pikachu, who sat there, >blushing. TOM: Ah, a Pikachuette! CROW: That, or he's gay. >"Wish we could stay and chat, Ash, but we gotta run. Talk to Professor >Oak!" Ryan shouted out as the members of Team Revelation began to run off >into the shadowy woods from whence >they came. CROW: Yes, ask the man who regularly forgets his grandson's name. TOM: Four SIs were filming in the woods. A year later, this footage was found >"Hey, Ash!" Misty wailed. " Get us down from here!" CROW : You don't get down from here, you get down from a duck. >Ash, however, began to smirk. JOEL : What do I get in return? TOM: Ha! Ash is cruel! It's wacky! >"I don't know, Misty... I kinda like you better this way." CROW : Cool! Pinata! JOEL: Brock then got himself down and beat Ash to a bloody pulp. >"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Misty screamed. TOM: Yeah, you're not kidding, Misty >After helping Misty and Brock down from the net, the trio resumed their >journey. After about five days, they came to a small town deep in the >forest. Ash remembered what Ryan had said and decided to call Prof. Oak. JOEL: It took him *five* *days* to get around to doing that, folks. CROW : Professor, who were those sadistic idiots? >"Oh, hi Ash. How are things going?" Professor Oak said, tinkering with some >kind of device at the bottom of the screen. CROW : Um... Professor? Picture phone. JOEL : ... oh, dear. TOM: Hey, the Professor's tinkering with the plot device! >"We're all doing fine, Professor. We picked up that Pokemon photographer, >Todd, in the last town, your new Pokedex upgrade >is working fine,..." Ash continued to ramble off recent events. >" Ash, is there any particular reason you're calling?" Oak interrupted. TOM : To advance the plot, such as it is. >"Well, uh, I..." Ash mumbled. "Professor, what do you know about Team >Revelation?" CROW : You met them?! RUN! RUN! >"You've met Team Revelation? Goodness, those kids are fast!" JOEL : I'll say. They got their rocks off and left me wanting more, the jerks. [Pause. Crow and Tom proceed to stare at Joel.] JOEL: What? >"So you do know about them!" Ash said, just a hint of eagerness >in his voice. >"Firstly, the reason I know who they are is because I trained them. The >team's primary purpose is to counter Team Rocket, as >well as discover the identity of Team Rocket's boss so we can shut them >down. ALL: ... JOEL: I think it might be time to send the Professor to a "retirement community." TOM : So, uh, the whole religion thing was what, exactly? >They're a family >team, meaning they're all each other's siblings, and so far as >I can tell, the only types of Pokemon they don't have are Ice and >Fighting." JOEL: So... Earth, Wind and Fire? >"Professor, when I met them, they sounded like really into religion and >stuff. What's up with that?" CROW : Yo, what up wit dat, q-dawg? TOM : Oh, they're all related to some person named Ned Flanders. >"I take it you heard their motto, in that case." Oak sighed. " >I really don't understand them. They just have this obsession about Jesus >and all." JOEL : Feh, they should worship Moltres, the pagans! >"I thought ever since Pokemon showed up, all that religion stuff became >outdated." TOM: SUBTLE MESSAGE HERE, FOLKS... CROW: BOW TO THE PIKACHU! BOW! JOEL: Well, it *is* easier to collect Pokemon than find God. >"Well... Ryan has this idea that people just used Pokemons' growing >instantly as an excuse. He says that Pokemon don't evolve, they mature >similar to people. He and I have butted heads on the issue a lot, but to be >honest, he does have some very good points. TOM: And... Professor Oak, greatest Pokemon Researcher on Pokemon Island, gives in to a 12-year-old on scientific issues. >His views are actually >getting quite a following, or so I hear. There's even rumors of >Christian Pokemon Trainer Support Groups popping up all over the place and >it's causing quite a heated debate." JOEL : So we're having all those pesky Christians thrown to the Growlithes! >"Wow! I didn't know church stuff could be so powerful." CROW : Now I know! TOM : And knowing is half the battle. ALL : G. I. Joe... >Miles away, a huge impact was heard in the deep of the forests. >Pidgeys and Spearows quickly flew away from the maddeningly loud sound. JOEL: The Martians had landed. Their walkers dispersed >When the >dust cleared, several mutated, disfigured extraterrestrial beings climbed >up out of the deep chasm in which they had landed. TOM : WE COME FROM FRANCE. >"Meeeowwth. I don't feel so good..." Acidic compounds then erupted from the >creature's huge mouth, accompanied by many guttural moans. JOEL: So... a hairball. CROW: Eh, they all look-like non-vital organs from here. He'll be fine. >"You know," James said as he recovered at the edge of the pit. >"You really oughta see a doctor about that." >"If he doesn't stop soon, I'm the one who's gonna need a doctor." Jessie >stared at the clumps, shades of green coming to >her face. TOM: Funny, Meowth's chronic projectile vomiting was never covered in the show... JOEL: Probably got covered in one of the manga. You know how those kooky Japanese love to draw cats puking their lungs up. TOM: ... see, it scares me that I can't tell if you're joking or not. >After Meowth and Jessie recovered from their uphill (or is that >upchuck) battle with air sickness, Mondo found the team and began the long >and strenuous process of putting everyone back together. After a few hours, >the members of Team Rocket looked >pretty well cleaned up. CROW: Mondo? TOM: The guy from Generation X? JOEL: I hear "Mondo" is Swahili for "Plot Hole." >"I still can't believe we was dat close," Meowth indicated what >he meant using two of his three fingers. "And we still didn't get that >blasted Pikachu!" TOM: And this is different from the status quo exactly *how*? >"Someone's going to pay for this!" Jessie screeched, her face turning red. >"If it weren't for those meddling kids!" James screamed, JOEL: And their dog! >thinking about his lost rose. >" Hey, James," Meowth chimed in. "I think you got casted for the wrong TV >show! Scooby-dooby-James! Ha,ha!" Meowth teased. James turned red as Meowth >broke down in laughter. JOEL: ... TOM: I find this deeply, deeply disturbing. CROW: Why are we even *here*? >"It's not my fault! Go insult Ryan Edgerton, not me. He's the one writing >this story!" James weakly retaliated. TOM: Don't have to ask me twice! JOEL: He wasn't talking to you, Servo. TOM: Awww... >Suddenly, Jessie bashed them both over the head with her trademark mallet. >(I love being the author-R.E.^_^ ) CROW: Alright, just throw James into the Spring of Drowned Girl now and finish cramming the wackiness down our throat. JOEL: Hey, it's not like anyone could tell the difference. >Would you two clowns stop goofing off! We need to come up with >a plan to get back at Team Revelation!" TOM: So, is this where James and Jesse make a deal with Satan? >"That's right!" James boldly stated. "No one uses OUR theme music and get's >away with it!" CROW: But your theme music's public domain! TOM: That's what Team Rocket gets for being too cheap to hire a good composer. >"And while we're at it, we'll steal all der Pokemon!" Meowth chorused. JOEL : AAAARR!! We be the scurviest pirates to sail the seven seas! >*Chapter 4* > Not far away, out by the dusty roads leading into the city, a huge dust >cloud began to form out by the horizon. Within the course of a >minute the dusty storm had crossed over the road and was heading to the >opposite horizon. TOM: So... dust. CROW: Lots of dust. JOEL: And after that, more dust. >What could possibly go so fast. What do you think this is, a Roadrunner >cartoon? TOM: More like one of those Chuck Jones cartoons where you could see the artist's paintbrush. >"Hey, Ryan!" Devan called to his older brother. "Where did you >say we got these hoverboards?" CROW : I stole them from a Spice Girls video! TOM : Some kid named McFly let me borrow it! >"Professor Oak wanted us to field-test them. I promised I wouldn't scratch >the paint, so be careful!" He called back. The >four silver hoverboards glinted in the hot desert sun. JOEL: Professor Oak trusts four religious fanatics that question his knowledge with THIS. CROW: That's no worse than somebody trusting Professor Oak to take out Team Rocket. >"Hey, Ryan! What's our next objective?" Jennifer called out. TOM : To further screw up continuity! CROW : To kick arse for the Lord! JOEL : Same objective it's always been... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! >"I don't know. The Professor said he'd call us when we reach the next >town." Ryan turned to Garrett. "How's our supplies doing?" TOM : Uh... I thought you had the supplies... >"I recommend we restock at the next town. Also, I hear there's >a small-town gym there. Up for some action?" JOEL : But, I thought you needed a hotel for some act--Oh, you mean Pokemon fighting! >"You bet!" Ryan grinned. How long had it been since he'd faced >a gym trainer? This was going to be fun! CROW: Actually, Brock is technically a Gym Leader, so it's been all of five hours since you faced one. Nyah. >"Hey, Ash, isn't there a Pokemon gym in this town?" Misty asked. TOM: ****SCENE CHANGE**** JOEL: GYAH! Don't do that! >"Yeah, but it just got started up and they don't even have any >badges." >"What really surprises me about that gym is that they're also the only >Pokemon center in town, too." Brock stated. CROW : Which means there's going to be a Nurse Joy and a cute Trainer in the SAME BUILDING! YEESS!! >"Talk about monopolizing!" Misty stated. TOM: So, it's run by Rockerfeller, eh? CROW : Brock always takes all the girls and doesn't leave any for *me!* >Suddenly, Ash felt a hand tap him on the shoulder. Turning around, Ash, >Misty, Brock, Todd, and Pikachu came face to face >with- "Team Revelation! How are you guys doing?" Ash welcomed the heroic >quartet. Ryan and Ash exchanged high fives. JOEL : I'll trade you this vintage 1953 high five from your 1975 version! TOM : Sure! >"We're OK, how about you guys?" >"We were just on our way to the Pokemon gym. Where are you headed?" JOEL : Um, Duh? >"One in the same." Ryan said. "I can't wait to challenge that gym leader!" TOM : We don't know anything about him, but ... >"Good luck! I'll be cheering you on." Misty said enthusiastically. Then she >saw the hoverboards. "What are those? Surfboards?" CROW: No, they're leftover scene props from Back to the Future 2! TOM: No, those are ironing boards, you nitwit! JOEL: Misty, knowing water, suspects surfboards in the desert. >"Professor Oak's latest toy." Ryan said, holding up the hoverboard. Then >Garrett chimed in. "These bad boys can reach land speeds of 90 miles an >hour!" CROW: Wouldn't you fly off the board at that kind of speed? JOEL: Even if you didn't, you'd suffocate in the windstream in no time. CROW: Good. >"WOW!" Todd yelled. "Can I get a picture of you guys on those things?" TOM: Todd, you sell-out. JOEL : These'll look great on the wanted posters! >Once the photo session completed, the eight friends headed straight for >the Pokemon gym. On their way, Ash and Ryan fell into a deep >conversation. CROW: I'm taking bets on the Gospel getting mentioned. TOM: I ain't taking sucker bets, Robot. >"So..." Ash began. "You guys really believe all this Jesus stuff, don't >you? JOEL : No, I use it to get chicks. CROW : You losers. Pikachu is the only true god! >"With all my heart. It's hard to explain, but God's just changed my life >around so much." Ryan did his best to explain. >"Think about Gary. That's the way I was before I met Jesus; greedy, >self-serving, pushing others to the bottom so I could get to the top, need >I say more?" TOM : So you changed how? >"When you put it that way, I wish Gary would become Christian." >Ash chuckled. "But seriously, becoming Christian makes that much of a >difference?" JOEL : Not really. But it makes for good PR. >"It makes a world of difference, Ash. It's not even about "becoming >Christian", it's about finding a purpose, seeing what >the entire world has chosen not to see since the beginning of time. It's >about a completely open line of communication between you and God." CROW : Mother Theresa, please hold. The inane SI's are on line 1 again ... >"Whoa..." Ash exclaimed. "I always thought it was a set of rules that were >supposed to get you into heaven." TOM : That too, and laughing at sinners in hell. >"People have a lot of misconceptions about Jesus. In some parts >of the world, people are being killed, by their own governments, simply for >owning a Bible." >"Why doesn't God protect them?" JOEL : Uh ... uh ... um... >"In lots of cases, He does. But keep in mind who spiritually owns the world >right now." CROW : Bill Gates? >"So, it's the governments' faults?" TOM: The government rules us on a spiritual level?! >"Yes, and no. When I said someone owns the world, I was talking >about Satan. He's doing everything possible to either own people through >sin, or kill them through his control over mankind. He hates us, Ash, >because God made us to be His sons and daughters, children made in His >image." CROW : So why does Satan do this? JOEL : Uh, uh, er... >"Why doesn't God just destroy Satan?" JOEL : Because if it wasn't for Satan, we wouldn't have Dirt Devil vacuum cleaners, and the world would be covered in dirt and grime. CROW : Besides, then we wouldn't have anyone to blame things on! >By this time they were within walking distance of the Pokemon gym. Misty >decided to change the subject of the conversation. TOM : Damn, and I wanted to ask about Cthulhu! >"Um, just curious, but does anyone know what kinds of Pokemon this gym >trains?" CROW : Uh... ones that fight and stuff? >Apparently, no one had any idea. Right outside of the door, the two teams >of Pokemon trainers stopped. Above the door, in neon green letters hung a >sign that >said "Rock & Roll gym and Pokemon Center." The building itself >was shaped like a huge, black, Pokeball. TOM: So, it's a retro-80's Pokemon gym? JOEL: If I see Paula Abdul or Belinda Carlisle, I'm gone. >"Who designed this place?" Devan asked. Ryan began to wonder what kind of >Pokemon maniacs waited for him inside. However, Ash and Ryan were >determined to beat the gym leader. CROW: With whips and chains. >Passing by the front desk of the Pokemon center, Brock looked at the desk, >then hung his head and sighed. Misty asked him what was wrong. "Nurse Joy >doesn't work here. I feel cheated." >Brock mumbled. JOEL : Ha-ha! >*Chapter 5* > "So, you all want to battle us?" The female gym leader >asked. Between her wacky outfit, and the fact that all her Pokeballs had >flowers painted on them, she looked more like a hippe than anyone Ash had >ever seen. TOM: Verily beith she onne Hippe Catte! >"Not us." Misty called, walking to the stands with Brock not far behind. >"Ash here is your challenger." CROW: And the Gym Leader's name is Summer Moon Happiness Zappa. JOEL: It's a be-in for the Bongbadge! >"Thanks for the support, Misty." Ash mumbled. TOM : THANK yew for *yer* support. >"And if there's anything left of you guys when Ash gets through >with you, Garrett and I want a match." Ryan stated. >"Love the outfits, babe! Sure, we'll battle you." The middle aged "dude" on >the gym leader's right said with a rough, heavy >British accent. JOEL: ...so, Cockney, then? CROW: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster. TOM: Hey, it's Damian! Hi, Damian! >The match began. Ash and the female gym leader squared off, Pokeballs >ready. The gym leader made the first move. JOEL: Pawn to bishop 2. > "Go for it, Goldbat!" > "Pidgeotto! I choose you!" TOM : Awright, jeez! You don't have to *yell* at me... CROW : Yes, I'm *so* sure verbal abuse will make me fight better. >The two aerial Pokemon swooped, darted, and attacked each other >so fast Ash could barely see the battle unfold. JOEL: Actually, they were moving rather slow, but as per Gym rules, Ash had gotten stoned out of his gourd before battling. >"Pidgeotto! Attack from a distance with Gust!"As the powerful air waves >hit, Goldbat crashed headfirst into one of the gym walls. Dazed, but still >ready to fight, Goldbat once again took >to the air. >"Goldbat! Confuse Ray it now!" CROW: Somewhere, Ray Charles is confused. >A flash of light erupted from Goldbat's eyes, stunning Pidgeotto. Two >seconds later, Goldbat pummeled Pidgeotto to the >ground with a vicious wing attack. Pidgeotto slumped to the ground, >fainted. "Pidgeotto, return. Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" JOEL: Serve him a nice refreshing Thunderbolt! TOM: Intense! Delegating! ACTION! >"Pika-!" Pikachu shot up into the air, sparks building at it's >cheeks. >"CHU!!" The defeated Goldbat collapsed. >"Goldbat, return!" The gym leader held out her Pokeball to retrieve >Goldbat. "Go, Raticate!" CROW : Now it's time for a game of rat and mouse! >Suddenly, the lights in the entire gym went off. Misty, Brock, >and Team Revelation immediately went on the alert. When one of >the lights suddenly went on, who should step into the spotlight >but... JOEL: Joe Don Baker NUDE! Oh, the humanity! > "Prepare for trouble..." > "Make it double!" CROW : GET ON WITH IT! > "To protect -" Jessie was rudely cut short by both gym leaders. > "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!" They screamed in >unison. Undaunted, Jessie confronted them. TOM : We're here to steal all your pokemon! You should *know* this by now because this is what Team Rocket *does*. >"We're Team Rocket and we're here to take all your Pokemon." TOM: See? SEE?! >"Are you two losers completely out of the loop?" The male gym leader asked. >"Or maybe their just out of their minds!!" The other one suggested, heavily >enraged. JOEL: Angry hippies. The mind boggles. >"What are you two yuppies talking about?" James questioned. TOM: ... yuppies? CROW: ... so they're gym leaders in business suits with day planners? JOEL: "Can I pencil you in for a match sometime next week? Say, Wednesday at 3?" >"Do we have to spell it out! THIS GYM IS A TEAM ROCKET SHAM!" Cassidy and >Butch threw off their disguises, revealing their black Team Rocket >uniforms. CROW: You have to wonder why these people haven't conquered the world yet, really you do... >"In that case, we're gonna shut you down!" Devan stepped forward, Pokeballs >in hand. TOM: HEY! This is a family fic, dammit! >"What's this twerps problem?" Butch casually glared down at Devan. JOEL: Yes, Devan. He's here to kick ass and recite Scripture, and he's all out of Scripture. >"You're my problem, and I think it's time to clean house!" Devan shouted, >Pokeballs flying. "Squirtle! Ghastly! Abra! Attack Team Rocket!" CROW: Ooh, an Abra. I'm scared now. TOM: Hey! It'll fall asleep and run away, and if that ain't scary I don't know what is. >"You don't stand a chance, you little brat. Pokeballs, go!" Cassidy and >Butch hurtled four Pokeballs across the battlefield. Raticate, Drowsee, >Goldbat, and Fearow materialized at the edge of the arena. Goldbat, >however, flopped down on it's face. Cassidy called it back. >"Arbok, Weesing, Lickatung, go!" Jessie and James threw their Pokeballs. CROW: But Jessie shouldn't have pokeballs... not unless she's like RuPaul! >Meowth casually walked over to the group, humming a theme song >he'd heard on TV. Jessie and James got those little sweat drops. JOEL: James has a Lickitung... CROW: No comment. None. TOM: Actually, Jessie's the one who caught Lickitung. CROW: Saaaaaay... JOEL: No. We're not talking about any member of Team Rocket and Lickitung. Let's move on. > Now it was Team Revelation's turn. > "Geodude, go!" Ryan yelled, releasing his Pokeball. > "Bulbasaur, I choose you!" > "Go, Pikachu!" TOM: Must they always *yell* out yada yada, go fight? Can't they give battle commands in a reasonable tone of voice? >The battle began with Raticate and Meowth simultaneously attacking Geodude, >who did it's best to dispel the attacks with >Defense Curl. CROW: So... Geodude just kinda sat there and let them hit him, then. JOEL: Well, if I was sentient floating boulder with arms getting jumped by an oversized purple rat and an evil parody of the Japanese symbol of prosperity with an incongruous Brooklyn accent, I'd do that, too. CROW: ... sure, Joel. >Pikachu expertly aimed a Thunderbolt at Fearow, but was instantly struck >with a mirror move Thunderbolt. Ghastly sent Arbok flying backwards into >Lickatung with a powerful blast of >Nightshade, while Abra drove Weesing crazy by Teleporting away >every time Weesing attacked. TOM: YES! Wheezing is helpless before Abra's amazing powers of running and hiding! CROW: Unless James realizes he could just attack somebody else, in which case they're kind of screwed. JOEL: Please, could the author at least pretend he's not just reciting how his last three Pokemon games went? >Bulbasaur suddenly came to Geodude's aid, it's Vine Whip landing right on >Meowth's butt. TOM : HEY! At least buy meowth dinner first! >Raticate turned to face Bulbasaur, but was struck from >behind by Geodude. Geodude thanked Bulbasaur in Pokemon language and >resumed the battle. JOEL : Thank you, my friend! I shall never forget this act of bravery! TOM : Shut up! Bogeys at 3! >Out of nowhere, a blast of water struck Fearow straight in the >face. CROW: Squirtle, Urine Attack! JOEL: Crow, ew! >While Fearow was being attacked by Squirtle, Pikachu took advantage of the >situation. Charging up to full capacity, Pikachu let loose the full fury of >an electric storm, sending Fearow straight to the ground. TOM: Diarrhea is like an electrical storm raging inside of you... JOEL: Tom... >Just as Drowsee began sending out Hypnotic waves, Ghastly faded >away into an invisible mist. Drowsee slowly looked around, trying to locate >it's target. However, a quick lick on the face >sent Drowsee into Paralysis. Once again visible, Ghastly's hypnotic powers >went to work, putting Drowsee to sleep and out >of the battle. CROW: Wow! That's incredibly not thrilling! I am amazed at my complete and total lack of interest in what's going on! >All Charizard really had to do was hit Weesing with it's tail. >The poison gas Pokemon was out within seconds. TOM: Shouldn't Wheezing explode or something again, then? JOEL: Nah, I'm sure the author plans on having something else explosive injure Team Rocket this time. >"All right! Charizard's finally listening to me!" Ash said ecstatically. >Seconds later, a huge fire blast enveloped Ash, leaving one very crispy >order of fried Pokemon trainer. "Or... >I could be wrong." Ash said as he hacked up some smoke. JOEL: Wah-waaaaaaah-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. TOM: *POING!* CROW: *Laugh track* > "You guys ready to give up?" Jennifer asked. > "NEVER!" Both Team Rockets said in unison. TOM: ...technically, there's only one Team Rocket, and they're just agents of it, but what the hey. JOEL : Well, then we'll be forced to use the ultimate technique... the Bible Adventures NES cartridge! CROW: GAH! >"Well, in case you guys couldn't figure it out," Jennifer boldly stated. >"You've almost run out of Pokemon. You're past tense!" TOM: And Team Revelations is future imperfect. JOEL: Seconds later, Cassidy trotted out a six-foot cubic crate of Pokeballs marked "Danger: Scythers". >"This isn't over yet!" Cassidy glared down at them with hatred >in her eyes. CROW : I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your Scripture! TOM : I'll get you next time, Gadget!! >"You guys are done like dinner!" Devan shouted. "All right. Everyone, >combine your attack power on Team Rocket!" Ryan called out. JOEL: Let our powers combine! Earth! CROW: Fire! TOM: Wind! JOEL: Water! CROW: Heart! TOM: By your powers combined, I am the Reverend Captain Pokemon!! >With that, Geodude, Bulbasaur, both Pikachu, Squirtle, and Ghastly let lose >with Earthquake, RazorLeaf, Thunderbolt, Water >Gun, and Nightshade. The combining of all these attacks at once >was incredible, to say the least. Within seconds, the only reminder that >Team Rocket had ever been in the room was the hole in the ceiling left by >the combo attack power. CROW: "Uh, yeah? I'll have a Combo Attack Power #2, with cheese..." TOM: And we kill five minutes with the combined attack sequence! JOEL: "Trust us! It was powerful! We didn't know how to describe it, but you can guess from the aftermath we show that it was really neat!" > "Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again...!" > "This is your fault!" Cassidy yelled at Jessie. > "SHUT UP!" Jessie and James yelled back. JOEL: Man. You could hit Team Rocket dead-on with a tac-nuke and they'd *still* just fly off into the horizon. CROW: Well, at least it ended like your average Pokemon episode... TOM: Yeah, yeah. Now, let's get out of here, all this gives me an idea... [1-2-3-4-5-6] [Open on the SOL bridge. Joel is standing there, looking like his usual good-natured sleepy-eyed self save for two deviations: 1) He's holding a Bible, and 2) He's wearing an almost perfect replica of the Team Rocket uniform, the only deviation being the fact that the 'R' has been replaced with a 'P'. Gypsy immediately wanders in from stage right.] GYPSY: Oh, Joel, I got those fuel expenditure reports you wanted, and AHHH! JOEL: Why, hello, sister Gypsy! GYPSY: Joel! You joined Team Rocket! How could you! JOEL [laughs]: No, no, my gentle purple friend. While I have appropriated the garb of the dastardly Rocket Gang, I have not joined their number. No, I have decided to use their evil devices in the service of good, by patterning my Team's uniform after their own. GYPSY [relieved]: Oh, good. So, what's your Team? JOEL: Inspired by the wonderful exploits of brother Edgerton and his fine young adventuresome siblings, I have decided to form my own Team that spreads the wisdom of God in a hip, entertaining, yet less combative fashion. I have formed... Team Proverbs. GYPSY: Oh! That's... sort of creepy, Joel. Exactly what does Team Proverbs do? [Joel opens the Bible and begins reading, a disturbingly content and serene expression on his face.] JOEL: "A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels to understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings." GYPSY: Uh... JOEL [laughs again]: Ah, the meaning of the words of the wise King Solomon are not always readily apparent. You see, sister Gypsy, I choose to bring enlightenment to the unwashed heathen by regaling him with quotations from the worthy Book of Proverbs. GYPSY: Wow, that's really... er... JOEL: Why, just listen to this! "Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; if thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord giveth wisdom; out of his mouth comest knowledge and understanding." Could there possibly be any words more inspiring? Don't you feel your spirit soar, sister Gypsy? GYPSY: Uh... yeah, sure. Whatever. Hey, Tom, I think you'd better come take a look at this... TOM [Off-camera]: I shall come and gaze upon it, one who is called Gypsy in this cycle, but I shall not see it. GYPSY: ... oh no. [Tom 'hovers' on camera. Like Joel, he too is dressed in a slightly modified Team Rocket uniform (well, the shirt part, anyway). However, in place of the customary 'R', Tom's outfit has a diamond-symbol in its place.] GYPSY: Tom! Not you, too! TOM: What? Oh, you gaze upon the rags that clothe my temporal form. Do not be alarmed, Gypsy. These are simply an outward manifestation of the inner enlightenment of the spirit that came to me once I joined Team Diamond Sutra. GYPSY: Aw, cripes... TOM: And why the Diamond Sutra, you ask, out of all the great and venerable texts on Buddhism written? Well, not only was the Diamond Sutra the earliest dated printed document in all of human history, but it sums up the central concepts of Buddhism so clearly and concisely! "Subhuti, wheresoever are material characteristics there is delusion; but whoso perceives that all characteristics are in fact no-characteristics, perceives the Tathagata." GYPSY: Uh... uh... CROW! Heeeeeeeelp!! CROW [shouted angrily, off-screen]: IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE BENEFICENT, THE MERCIFUL! GYPSY: Oh, Basehart preserve us, what *now*?! [Crow charges on-camera, also dressed in the top half of a modified Team Rocket uniform. However, the 'R' has been replaced with a squiggly Arabic-like letter, and Crow wears a makeshift Turban upon his head and carries a cardboard scimitar in one "hand."] CROW: I am Qro Al'Robaht of Team Overwhelming Calamity! I speak the praises of Allah! GYPSY [tired]: Oh, of *course* you do... CROW [continuing on, oblivious]: Has not there come to you the news of the overwhelming calamity?!! GYPSY: No, but I get the feeling that's going to change right about now. CROW: Some faces on that day shall be downcast, laboring, toiling, entering into burning fire, made to drink from a boiling spring!! They shall have no food but of thorns, which will neither fatten nor avail against hunger!! [Crow shakes with sheer enthusiasm as he delivers his speech, rattling his cardboard scimitar at Gypsy in a vague attempt at a threatening manner. Gypsy is, needless to say, not impressed.] GYPSY: Oh, to heck with you weirdos! I don't need this, not when "Grace Under Fire" is on... [Gypsy storms off-camera, inasmuch as she can. Joel, Tom, and Crow fall silent, staring after her in confusion.] JOEL: My, sister Gypsy seems unduly distraught. TOM: Her inner turmoil can only create karma that will bind her to the eternal Wheel of Birth and Death. CROW [shouting after her]: But whoever turns back and disbelieves, Allah will chastise him with the greatest chastisement!! [Tom suddenly snickers.] TOM: Hey, you sure you aren't with Team Redundancy Team? CROW: Surely to Us is their turning back, then sure-- hey! Don't make fun of Overwhelming Calamity! You take that back, Servo! TOM: Ah, but you see, I cannot take it back. It was no-action, for it was produced in the absence of clinging and craving to temporal objects... CROW: Tom, take it back right now or am I going to struggle for spiritual purity ALL OVER your puffy red hinder! TOM: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll set myself on fire in protest and go to Nirvana! So *there*! JOEL [soothingly]: Come now, brother Servo, brother Robot, there is no need for violence. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." CROW [oblivious]: Yeah, well, Kurt Cobain sucks! JIHAD!! [Crow then proceeds to vengefully begin flailing into Tom. For the first few moments, all Tom does it take the hits...] TOM: Ow! Ow! Quit that, you jerk, you know I can't fight back! Ow... ow... OW! All right, that's it! I don't care if I never find enlightenment, so long as I get to kick your ass first!! [Tom lets out a howl of anger, inasmuch as he can, and begins vengefully flailing back at Crow.] JOEL: Brother Servo, brother Robot... [Joel sees that he is being ignored, and sets his Bible down so he can break up the fight.] JOEL: ... Tom! Crow! Guys, stop it right this instant! [After some pushing and shoving, Joel manages to move his body between the two rocking, socking robots.] JOEL: Guys, I wanted to go along with this, I wanted to let you have your way, but if all you're going to do is make holy wars on each other, then you're just not ready to have those religion protocols yet. CROW: He started it! TOM: Did not! CROW: Did too! TOM: Did not! JOEL: GUYS! Come on, inner peace and being kind to others is what finding a religion is all about! CROW [oblivious]: Boogerbutt! TOM [also oblivious]: Poopyhead! JOEL [sighs]: Look, you can sit here and make your holy wars on each other, or we can just forget about all this mess and go bake some nice RAMchips. [Crow and Tom pause in their insulting and threatening flailing.] CROW & TOM [in unison]: RAMchips? JOEL: Yeah. I even had a bag of chocolate chips waiting... [Tom and Crow suddenly dash off-camera. They return a few moments later, divested of their Team Rocket-esque uniforms, and rush across the bridge, pausing at the opposite side of the bridge.] TOM: Come on, Joel, why are you just standing there in that goofy outfit? CROW: Yeah! We could be baking RAMchips already! [The two robots then dash off-screen, as the camera pans back over to Joel, who is smiling knowingly.] JOEL: Kids and their fads nowadays, huh? [Joel chuckles good-naturedly and taps the commercial sign light before heading off after the bots.] _________________________________________________________________ TO BE CONTINUED... _________________________________________________________________ >"WE ARE TEAM REVELATION, SWORN DEFENDERS OF THE GOSPEL OF >JESUS CHRIST." Ryan and Devan stated collectively.