[Joel and the bots enter the theater and take their usual seats.] Joel: I knew these shoulder puppets were a bad idea... >============================================================================ >Tenchi Muyo: Tenchi goes to America Tom: Not to be confused with "Ernest Goes to Camp". Crow: "Hey, Vern! Guess what I found in that old cave by the shrine!" >By Chris Carlson >Email Address: eric.e.carlson@worldnet.att.net >============================================================================ >Again hail to all Tenchi fans! This is my second installment of my Joel: "--VCR. Dang thing still keeps flashing 12:00." >Tenchi fanfics. This story will take place after my previous story >Tenchi Muyo: Empathic Odyssey where you were introduced to Darrian >Brell, an empath that came to Kiyone and told her that she was an empath >also. Tom: Darrian is considered armed and extremely dangerous. Citizens are advised to lock their doors and windows and stay indoors. >He trained her in the arts of telekinesis and telepathy and turned >her into a very powerful character. Joel: Tragically, Kiyone had always been used to being the most powerless member of the Tenchi cast, and her sanity soon snapped like the fragile thing it was. Crow: [Kiyone] I could crush you like a bug, do you hear me? A BUG! >Her powers now rival those of >Ryoko's and Ayeka's. Darrian now lives with the gang. If you want to >down load Empathic Odyssey Crow: --We suggest a full lobotomy, followed by extensive therapy. Tom: Failing that, we suggest you let us smack you around a bit until the urge goes away. >go to GenSao's Tenchi Muyo page: >(members.aol.com/GenSao/index.html) I highly recommend this page. Joel: Say what you want about him, the man's got taste. Tom: It never hurts to suck up to the people nice enough to put your fic on their page. >Although graphic intensive, it has lots of information on the Tenchi >universe. > >About the story: Tom: "--It's an awful, boring, pointless waste of time, and I'm deeply sorry for having written it in the first place." Joel: Now, now, enough is enough. You know this isn't the worst fanfic we've ever seen. Crow: It's bad enough, Joel. It's more than bad enough. >I am going to do what no one else has dared to do in a >OVA, series episode or fanfic. Joel: Give Sasami her own cooking show? Crow: Reveal Tenchi as a womanizing sleaze who enjoys pitting Ryoko and Aeka against each other, while he's secretly been sleeping with Mihoshi the whole time? Tom: Let Washu finally get that last sample? >Send Tenchi and the gang to America! Tom: Oh, that makes--huh? Joel: I can think of a lot of fanfics where that happens! >Darrian was so thankful for Tenchi letting him stay at his house he >decides to invite them to a house he owns up in Northern California. Crow: Well, it's not a house so much as it is a cardboard box... but still, it's a pretty big box. >However they get a visit by Mitsuki Joel: [Darrian] Oh, great, it's Mitsuki again! Everybody hide! Crow: [Darrian] Turn off the lights, maybe she'll go away! >who got kicked out of the GP after >she attempted to kill Kiyone during the Jurai coup d'_tat. Tom: She got fired? That's it? No time in prison, no fines, not even a stern lecture on the dangers of going around killing people? Joel: Well, it was only *attempted* murder. It's not like it was anything serious. >She is now >quite pissed and wants to pay Kiyone back. She also got some other >friends of her's that are also not very fond of Kiyone to help her. But >with Kiyone's new powers they are in for quite a suprise. Crow: And again with the cliff notes! Tom: [shakes his head] You know, Chris, you're killing off any possible plot twists this way... Joel: There are plot twists? Crow: There's a plot? >Legal Crap: All places, characters and cabbits are copyright to Pioneer >Entertainment. However Darrian Brell and Mitzuki's friends are copyright >to ME!!!! Joel: Uh, Chris, there's a bit more involved in copyrighting something than just saying it belongs to you. Tom: On the other hand, who'd challenge his ownership of them? >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >------------------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: Yes, it's time for another stroll down memory lane! Joel: I think this is something I'd rather forget. >Chapter One: Prepare to launch! Crow: All systems go! Sending fanfic now! Joel: [Dr. F] Push the button, Frank... no, not THAT button--*PWOOOSH* > "Must concentrate. Focus. Focus." Channeling telekinetic energy >through her arms, Kiyone felt like a human lightning rod. She drew >energy from the trillions upon trillions of the newly evolved synapses >in her brain until finally. [pause] Crow: Yes? Tom: "Finally", what? Joel: [the author] This sentence isn't as interesting as I thought it would be, so I think I'll just give up and start another one. I promise to do better this time. >"Focus. Focus. FIRE!" With a sudden rush >Kiyone released all the focused energy in her arms and into the poor >tree that awaited the final impact. Tom: [tree] Oh, all right, fine. Go ahead and kill me. See if I care. Joel: [tree] I didn't ask to be in this story, you know... Crow: [tree] Remind me to have a few words with my agent when this fanfic is over. >A blur of almost transparent energy >flew into tree smashing the mid trunk and blowing it in half. Joel: [tree] Wonderful, I'm dead. I hope you're happy. Crow: [tree] Can I go now? Tom: [tree] This is deeply humiliating... >Kiyone stood silent looking at the tree she just disintegrated Tom: Disintegrated? I thought she just blew it in half! Joel: Well, it was only two particles high in the first place. >and then looked >at her hands which were smoking and wondered how far can my powers go? >Then Tenchi walked up behind her. Joel: [Tenchi] Hi, Kiyone, how's it--AAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO FUNAHO??!!! Crow: [Kiyone] That was *Funaho?* Geez, I'm sorry, all these trees look the same... >Kiyone seemed startled by his >presence. "Kiyone can you please ask Washu for some titanium targets. >I'm running out of trees." Tom: [Kiyone] I've already leveled Yosemite, Muir Woods, the Brazilian rainforest... Joel: I think it's a safe bet Kiyone doesn't celebrate Arbor Day. >Then he noticed her smoking hands. "Jeeze! >Are you all right?" Kiyone opened her clenched fist to show there was no >damage or burning. Crow: Oh, she's been using Preparation H! >"Sorry about the trees Tenchi." She walked passed by >Tenchi towards the house only to be stopped by him. Joel: Chris Carlson is truly the John Woo of "people almost walking past each other" scenes. >"Oh, by the way >Darrian said he had something important say to all of us at dinner so be >sure to be there this time. ok?" Kiyone nodded. She knew that she had >been missing dinner allot because of her training Joel: ...Although, by a staggering coincidence, Ryoko had taken over the cooking duties at exactly the same time she started missing meals. Tom: Huh. What are the odds? >but if she didn't >train enough she wouldn't be able to control her powers and that would >be a lot worse than missing a meal. However if Darrian said it was >important she supposed it wouldn't hurt to have dinner for once. Crow: [Kiyone] Ew, ick, food! Tom: [Kiyone] Well, I guess I can take time out of my busy schedule of blowing up trees, just this once... but you owe me for this! > Kiyone headed inside wiping her hot sweaty forehead with a >towel. After a quick shower she headed over towards the dinner table >where everybody was sitting down already. "Sorry I'm late everybody. >Darrian did you have something to say?" Darrian nodded in response >saying, Tom: [Darrian] First of all, Kiyone, we want to say that no matter what, your mother and I still love you very much... >"Everybody, you've been so generous in letting me stay here, I >want to show you the same respect by taking you all to America where I >was born for a few weeks." Joel: For a few *weeks?* Crow: [Darrian] It's weird--every time I was almost out of the womb, the doctors kept trying to shove me back in... >Everyone's eyes lit up right there. None of >them had ever been to America. They had heard about what it was like but >never really saw what it was like. "Wow America! I've always wanted to >go there." Tenchi said. Tom: [Tenchi] I can't wait to hear what I sound like dubbed! >"It'll be easy getting there. All I have to do >is teleport us to the location you want." Washu said. "No, in this case >we'll fly. Joel: [Darrian] Listen, you spiky haired twit, who's the SI godboy here? You or me? You'll go to America the way I *tell* you to go to America, dammit! [pause] Tom: Joel, you do that much too well. Joel: Hey, I'm not *just* a nice guy. Crow: Of course, if you'd said that to the real Washu, there wouldn't be enough of you left to fit in an envelope... >On this trip getting there is half the fun. But of course we >need your grandfather's permission." Everyone looked over at Yoshou >waiting for an answer. He lifted his tee cup, [pause] Joel: I can't decide which is more apalling: The fact that the author can't spell 'tea', or the fact that I can't come up with one decent golf pun. >took a sip and set it down >then nodded, "Of course, this will be a great learning experience." Tom: Well, I guess going to America with Darrian could be considered educational... Crow: In the sense that being hit over the head with a claw hammer teaches one about carpentry. >Everybody cheered. Darrian told everyone that they would leave in the >morning. They all packed up and got a good night sleep. > In the morning Darrian de-cloaked his ship which he had stored in >the back yard and had everyone store their stuff that they were taking. >Darrian was storing the luggage Tom: [Darrian] Well, I think I'll send this suitcase to Guam... I'll switch the labels on these two, and send them both to Nairobi... this one, I'll put on the right flight, but I'll whack it with a sledgehammer a few times first... >when Ayeka brought up her baggage. The >suit cases piled 8 feet high and were barely able to fit in the cargo >hold. Darrian had a grimacing look on his face Joel: --But the rest of his body looked quite cheerful and peppy! >as he said, "Ayeka we are >only going to be gone two weeks. That is enough luggage for a Safari!" >Ayeka stuck her nose up in the air. Crow: [Aeka] Hmm... what is that peculiar odor? Joel: [Aeka] Oh honestly, Darrian, must you stand downwind of me? It's getting difficult to breathe! >"Look I have to have my beauty >equipment and my wardrobe. I don't want to offend the neighbors." >Getting even more ticked, "Ayeka where we are going the nearest neighbor >is two miles away. You don't need all that." Joel: [Darrian] Ha! Personal Hygeine is for the weak! Crow: [muttering] If he cared about his appearance just a little bit, maybe people wouldn't *be* afraid to come within two miles of him... > "I'll bring it anyway. You'll never know when you could need a >ceremonial kimono." Grabbing his face Darrian finally gave up and told >her to stow it in the main cargo hold. After stuffing all of Ayeka's >crap in the ship Joel: Maybe it's just me, but I'm starting to pick up on a definite anti- Aeka bias... >he went over to Washu. "Washu I need you to make some >portable translators that everybody can wear. Remember English is the >main language over there and I don't want any mix-up's in language." Crow: [Washu] A foreign language? Don't be silly, Darrian--you know every sentient life form in the galaxy speaks fluent japanese! Joel: [ditto] Why, next you'll be telling me these people don't have neon hair! >Washu nodded and wove her hand. A mini portal opened up next to her and >nine hearing aid like pieces came out. "Here just give these to every >one. These ear pieces will configure their brains to speak English." Tom: [Washu] They'll also reprogram everyone to build a shrine to me and pay tribute to it once a month, but hey, it's no more than I deserve, right? Crow: Wait, why does Washu even have english translators? Joel: Knowing her, she probably memorized every word in the english language over dinner once she found out they were going. > "Thanks Washu." Darrian then exited Washu's lab. At about 8:00 in >the morning everybody got on board Darrian's ship. When Darrian started >up the anti-gravity generators they were barely moving the ship off the >ground. Kiyone was the co-pilot. "What the hell is weighing us down?!" Crow: [Kiyone] Putting on a little weight, eh Darrian? Joel: [Darrian] I had one extra donut! Just one! >Darrian was over in the pilot's seat shaking his head. "I know what it >is. Kiyone open the main cargo bay doors." Crow: [Kiyone] Um, wouldn't that cause everything *in* the cargo bay to-- Joel: [Darrian] YOU DARE QUESTION ME?! Crow: [Kiyone, meekly] No, sir. >He got out of his seat and >kicked half of Ayeka's luggage out of the cargo hold. Ayeka started >complaining but was cut off by the sudden rush Gs as the ship shot up >off the ground. Tom: The comic relief, I presume. Crow: Ha. Ha. It is to laugh. Joel: What's *really* funny is that Darrian's big, cool spaceship can't even lift Aeka's hair dryer. >Darrian sat down in his seat. Kiyone asked, "What did >you do?" Oh, nothing just got rid of some un-needed equipment." Tom: [Darrian] We didn't need that "engine" thing for anything, did we? >Ayeka >was furious and started screaming. Joel: [ominous] Someone is taking their love of anime a little too far... Crow: What do you mean, "a little"? >"How could you do that?! I had >priceless dresses in those baggage cases! How are you going to pa--" She >was cut off again by the ship kicking in it's after burners and taking >off at 50 times the speed of sound. The ships cabin became pressurized >and everyone could move freely. They were now on their way to Northern >California. Crow: Darrian's from California? Tom: Somehow, it fits... Joel: Hey, it's the one place on Earth where Ryoko and the others look normal by comparison. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter Two: Next stop, America! Joel: Uh-oh. Tom: It's culture clash time... Crow: [Tenchi] You people call *this* a Godzilla movie? Ptui! > Darrian's ship was approaching the west coast. Ryoko, Mihoshi >and Ayeka had snoozed off during the trip and Sasami was reading a >book. Joel: [Sasami] Let's see... "How to Dominate the Adults Around you", by M.F. Picard... Crow: Has anyone else noticed that Sasami seems to be the only literate person in this fanfic? Tom: Maybe it's a commentary on the fact that, despite her youth, Sasami often appears to be the most mature character in the group. [pause] Tom: Then again, maybe the author's just making things up at random. Crow: Yeah, that could be it too. >Darrian and Kiyone were up in the cockpit. Tom: [Darrian] If the cockpit be rockin', don't come a-knockin'! Crow: [snickers] Darrian and Kiyone, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S... [pause] All: AAAUUUUGGHHH!!! >But Tenchi was still >pondering about what America would be like. How would the others seem to >American customs? God forbid if Ryoko pisses off the local police or if >Ayeka uses her power's in a well populated area. Joel: The Japanese, however, are surprisingly laid back about this sort of thing. Tom: [Japanese official] Hey, did you just knock that skyscraper over? Crow: [Ryoko] Why, no! That was Gamera! Tom: [Japanese official] Oh. All right, then. >But right now wasn't >the time to contemplate problems but to forget about them. He was on >vacation and dammit he was going to enjoy it. Crow: After all, nothing bad ever came from ignoring a serious problem, right? Right? >Then Darrian yelled, "Hey >everybody, you might want to see this." Ryoko and Mihoshi woke up groggy >but Ayeka was still sound asleep mumbling something, "Tenchi-- your such >a goo- husban--" Tom: A goo husband? Joel: Tenchi's made out of play-doh? Crow: I always thought he could be a bit spineless at times, but this is ridiculous... >Only to cut off by Ryoko backhanding her across the >head abruptingly stopping her slumber. "Huh? Who the hel--" > "Wake up stupid, Darrian wants us to see something." Crow: [Ryoko, sharply] Are you defying the will of the almighty Darrian Brell?! Tom: [ditto] Blasphemer! To oppose Lord Brell is to DIE! >Everyone >walked up to the nearest view port and saw an awesome sight. "There it >is, the Golden Gate Bridge." Darrian said proudly. "It's huge!" Tenchi >exclaimed. Crow: [Tenchi, breathless] Oh, Darrian, it's so *big* and... and... [pause] All: AAAUUUUGGHH!!! Crow: [sniffling] Th-this isn't fair! How can I make my usual quota of lewd jokes knowing that the main character is... is... is... Tom: D-D-Darrian Brell! Tom & Crow: AAAUUUUGGHH!!! Joel: Come on, guys, we've survived worse S-I's than this! Tom: It doesn't make the new ones any less painful, Joel. >"Oh, by the way if your worried about us being seen, were >cloaked." Darrian said. Crow: [Darrian] By which, of course, I mean I've draped a giant cape over the ship. That is what people mean when they say "cloaking", right? >The ship flew under the bridge and over >Alchetraz island. (By the way flying under the bridge is illegal. You >get grounded if you try it.) Tom: And he's telling us this because...? Joel: Well, if it's legal to try to fly a huge spaceship under a bridge, then it's a stupid risk. If it's illegal, however, he's a rebel, and it becomes "cool". Tom: I... see. Joel: I don't understand it either, Tom. >"Well, that's enough sight seeing. Lets get >going!" Darrian pushed the throttle all the way and the ship took off at >the highest air speed allowable. Everyone was winched back in their >seats screaming as they saw miles upon miles speed past them. Tom: "Winched"? Crow: So, everyone was hooked up to a set of cables attached to a crank in the back, or what? Tom: "Winched"? Joel: [laughing helplessly] Chris, if you're going to use a thesaurus, at least take the time to look up what the words mean... Tom: "Winched"? >The ship >started to slow down and when everyone came to they were hovering over a >dense forest area. Joel: [Darrian] Oh, great, we're out of gas... um, did everyone remember to bring a parachute? >Mihoshi and Ayeka were coming out of a daze caused by >the G-forces. Ryoko was about to throw up but as usual Washu had >projected a anti-G field around her so she was unaffected. Darrian and >Kiyone were use to this so they were barely effected. Crow: Um, wouldn't *everyone* but Tenchi be used to flying? Joel: Obviously, Darrian and Kiyone are being protected by their headbands. Crow: Well, I guess that makes--huh? Tom: BOW BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF THE HEADBAND, YOU PITIFUL GNAT! >Darrian unstrapped >and said, "So, anyone wanna do that again?" He said jokingly. Then >everyone yelled NO!!! in his face. Joel: [Darrian] Strange, I seem to be hearing that from women a lot lately. Crow: "Lately"? >"Just kidding. Just kidding. Sorry!" >He then went back to the controls and but hovered the ship near the >house that they were next to. Tom: ...Which was close to the ship, which wasn't very far away from the house, which in turn was in the immediate vicinity of the ship. Crow: As always, this message was brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. Joel: The ol' DRD must be putting in an awful lot of overtime lately. >He settled it on the ground and shut down >the engines. With a thunk the cargo bay door opened and everyone walked >out. Before them they saw the most beautiful area they had ever seen. >The open part of the land was mostly dirt and some grass. Crow: [gasps] This is the most beautiful dirt I've ever seen in my life! Tom: Surely this can be no mere mortal dirt! Why, it must be the dirt of the Gods themselves! Tom & Crow: ALL HAIL THE DIRT OF THE MIGHTY DARRIAN BRELL! Joel: Um, guys, don't you think you're overdoing it just a little? Tom: Sometimes sarcasm helps us see things more clearly, Joel. >There was a >good size metal shack near the fence that surrounded the yard. Tom: And this shack! Such a magnificent, wonderful-- Crow: I think we've made our point, Tom. >The house >was two stories high with a guest house about half the size. Everything >else was surrounded with massive redwood trees. Joel: [singsong] It won't be once Kiyone gets to it... Tom: Eh, the dirt was better. >Darrian inhaled deeply Crow: That's not what he'll say during the election campaign. >and sighed, "Boy it sure feels good to be home." He then lifted up his >baggage and headed towards the house. The others followed. When Darrian >got inside he flipped the power on and then the lights. Joel: [dramatically] NO-ONE will be seated during the thrilling "entering the house" scene! Tom: [ditto] Will he put away his luggage? Will he get a snack from the fridge? Will he see if anything good is on TV? Crow: Guys, it's not that exciting... Tom: Hey, it's the only thing so far he hasn't put in his cliff notes. >(It's powered by >a fusion reactor under the house.) The interior looked hand made, built >up in oak wood and re-enforced by steel girders. Tom: Hand-made steel girders? Joel: Just smile and nod, Tom. Smile and nod... >This house could take >on world war three if it had to. Crow: But could it take one of Ryoko and Aeka's--ahem--disagreements? Joel: Crow, the Pentagon couldn't take one of their fights. >"Ok, for room assignments I want Sasami in the bottom room, All: GYAH! >Ayeka in the room next to her. All: GYAH! >Kiyone and I will be in the top room All: GYAH! >while Ryoko, Ayeka and Mihoshi go in the guest house." All: GYAH! Crow: All three of them at *once?!* Tom: Lord help us, he's branching out... Joel: Guys, it's entirely possible that this was all just an innocent list of sleeping arrangements. Tom: Nothing's ever innocent with this guy, Joel. *Nothing.* >Ayeka started to get mad, "What your going to let Ryoko be up there >alone with Tenchi?!" Joel: [Darrian] No, I'm going to let Ryoko be alone with *you.* Weren't you paying attention? Crow: [ditto] I figure Tenchi can sleep in the doghouse or something. > Smirking Darrian replied, "Don't worry, with Mihoshi over there >they'll have their hands full." Ayeka calmed but was still upset. Ryoko >gave a sexy grin over at Tenchi. Tenchi's face started to turn red. Tom: After all this time, you wouldn't think there'd be any capillaries left in the poor guy's face. >Darrian told everyone to un-pack and get settled in. Mean while he went >over to the shack at the side of the yard. Crow: [Darrian] Oh, by the way, I'm afraid this place doesn't have running water. We'll just have to take turns using the outhouse! >Kiyone followed. When he got >there he turned around kind of upset, "You sure follow me around a lot. >What do you need?" Tom & Crow: BOO! Tom: Kick his ass, Kiyone! Crow: [Darrian] Dammit, you're here to fall hopelessly in love with me, not follow me around like a lovesick--wait, that didn't come out quite right... > "Oh, nothing just wanted to see what you were up to." Darrian >turned back to face to door of the shack. There was a optical eye and a >speaker receiver on it. Darrian put his eye to the optical one and said, >"This Col. Brell Galaxy Police special forces, code omega alpha tango." Crow: [Darrian] Pi delta kappa gamma foxtrot charlie with a twist of lime! Joel: [Darrian] 23! 72! 104! Hike! Tom: [Darrian] The swallows fly at midnight! I repeat, the swallows fly at midnight! >The pad said 'access granted' and the safety lock opened, reveling a >whole arsenal of GP weaponry. Tom: [Darrian] Guns, guns, GUNS! Oh, my sweet weapons of mass destruction, I missed you so... Crow: [Darrian] Patience, my darlings... we'll overthrow the decadent capitalist regime soon, I promise... >Kiyone leaned over to look, "Geeze, a PX- >255 particle cannon, LC-64 pulse rifle, plasma grenades, and 50 energy >cell magazines!! What the hell do you need all this for?!" Joel: [Darrian] Well, technically I suppose I don't *need* it, but once you know all the cheat codes in Quake, it's almost impossible to resist the temptation... > "Well, lets just say I've made some enemies while being in the >Black ops and they tend to give unwelcome visits." Joel: Yeesh, Darrian, everyone has to deal with their relatives on the holidays -- isn't shooting them a little bit drastic? Tom: [Darrian, crazed] I swear, if Aunt Peg tells me how much I've grown ONE MORE TIME... >Darrian picked up the >pulse rifle and slung it over his right shoulder. "Oh, by the way, I >hope you like venicen." Looking puzzled Kiyone said, "Wait a minute your >gonna use that on a deer?!" Crow: [Darrian] Uh, yeah, that's it...a deer! I'm... only going to shoot a deer! Heh heh heh... > "Don't worry, I'll put it on the lowest setting. If I set it to >standard, we would be having ground meat instead of steaks." Joel: On the plus side, it'd already be cooked! Tom: *Darrian's* gonna be ground meat if I ever get my hands on the guy... Joel: Your hands aren't even functional, Tom. Tom: I don't care. >He then >walked off into the woods. Kiyone decided to go on a stroll around the >house while everyone else was unpacking. Crow: [Kiyone] Ooh, there's one of the walls of the house... and another wall... and another wall... and oh, look! Another wall! >As she walked around the back >of the house she saw a wide stream going from one side of the house to >the other. The water was crystal clear and was deep enough to swim in. >Kiyone decided what the heck were out in the middle of nowhere. She then >took off all of her clothes and got in the stream. Joel: [Kiyone] Well, I think I'll just strip nude in the backyard... don't see anything wrong with that idea... Crow: [Kiyone] I mean, it's not like anyone could look out a window and see me or anything... Tom: She's on a collision course with wackiness! Lame, predictable, almost painfully unfunny wackiness, but wackiness nonetheless! >The water temperature was just perfect. Crow: [sarcastic] God forbid that the stream of the great Darrian Brell should be flawed in any way... >High 80's to be exact. Very warm for a natural stream. >"Darrian must of put a heater somewhere in here." She said to herself as >she laid her head back in the warm flowing water. Tom: Kiyone's head was promptly swept downstream, and was never heard from again. Joel: On the upside, this prevented her from taking part in the rest of the fanfic. >Her view was filled >with redwoods towering over her with beams of light piercing through the Crow: ...Tender, all-too-vulnerable tissue of her epidermis, slicing through skin, muscle and bone to destroy the fragile, vital organs underneath! Joel: Crow! That's awful! Tom: [impressed] I have taught you well... >branches and leafs. Never before in her life had she ever been so >content. Tom: [Kiyone] Tenchi's house used to be kinda like this, before I completely defoliated it... Joel: [Kiyone] These are some awfully nice trees. I think I'll blow 'em apart! >She closed her eyes and thought about nothing but enjoying >herself. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter two: Feelings come through Tom: Hey, that rhymes! Joel: I think Chris is starting to get the hang of this! Crow: ...Except that the last chapter was chapter two. [pause] Joel: Well, at least he's trying. > Darrian came back at about sundown(up there that's about 9:00) >with a dead deer carcass yelling, "Here's dinner!" He came in the door >with it and everyone stared at him. The deer had a 6 inch diameter hole >in it's head and some weird liquid was dripping out of the hole. Joel: The author's medical knowledge simply astounds me. Crow: [singing] The neckbone's connected to the, something... the something's connected to the, red thing... the red thing's connected to my, wristwatch... uh-oh. >"You don't expect us to eat that do you?" Ayeka asked shockingly. Crow: Shockingly? Joel: Well, she was zapping Darrian with a taser at the time. Tom: We can only hope... >"Of course >not, I've got to clean and gut it first." He then headed out the door >and into the garage where a cleaning table was. Everyone had a disgusted >look on their face. Tom: [sarcastic] Disgusted? By the glorious Darrian Brell? Joel: Maybe the Aura of Smooth ran out of batteries. >Especially Ayeka who was about to puke her guts out. >Darrian cleaned it and brought out the steaks in the kitchen. Joel: [laughing] "Brought out"? Tom: In Darrian's world, you can probably just reach into a dead animal and pull a steak out pre-cooked... >He prepared them with seasonings and marinated them. He set up a grill >behind the house and lit them up. Joel: He sprinkled them liberally with arsenic. Tom: He watched as the others ate them. Crow: He laughed maniacally as the others went into convulsions and died. >Everyone came out back to enjoy the >scenery. Meanwhile Kiyone was getting out of the stream which was near >where they were. Unfortunately Kiyone had forgot to have the presence of >a towel when she got out. Crow: She forgot her *towel?* Tom: What kind of an alien is she? Joel: Somewhere, Ford Prefect is crying... >Now she was stuck. "Oh geeze what am I gonna do?" Tom: You're gonna put on those shoes and dance, dance, DANCE! [pause] Tom: Or not. Joel: Er, moving right along... >She thought to her self waiting behind a rock. Then she remembered >about the ability of mental distraction. Making a person's mind think it >saw or heard something. Tom: [confused] Messing with a mind's mind? Joel: Kill your family... kill your family... kill your--say, what's that shiny thing over there? >She concentrated and sent a mental echo in >everyone's mind (except Darrian who was immune) Crow: That's a bit like saying a homeless person is immune to having his house bulldozed, isn't it? >to make them think a big >rock fell somewhere near them but far away from Kiyone. "What was that?" >Sasami said. Crow: [Sasami] Wow! A big rock fell somewhere near us! Let's all go look at it while Kiyone makes her escape! Joel: [Tenchi] Are you sure? I don't see anything... Crow: [Sasami] There's a rock, OKAY? >Quickly Kiyone jumped out, grabbed her clothes and ran >inside. But not before being noticed by Darrian who caught her in the >corner of his eye. He didn't say or do anything but made a slight grin >on his face. Tom: "Made" a grin? Crow: This guy's such a jerk, he has to force himself to smile! >Kiyone ran upstairs where her room was, dried off got her >clothes back on and headed down stairs. By then Darrian had cooked the >steaks and was bringing them inside. Kiyone was running down stairs when >he was going in the Kitchen. Darrian then made a snide comment, All: [bored] So what else is new? >"Hey >Kiyone, how come your STREAMING down stairs so fast.?" Crow: God, what a drip! Joel: Still, you have to admit, his writing does flow rather nicely. Tom: Are you kidding? I'm practically drowning in text! >Kiyone stopped in >her tracks with her eyes wide open realizing he saw her coming out of Tom: --The closet! Crow: So *that's* why she puts up with Mihoshi! Joel: Now, guys... >the stream. Kiyone gritted her teeth while Darrian snickered to himself. Joel: [Darrian] Violating other people's privacy is fun! Crow: Darrian and Nobuyuki probably got along great. > Everyone had a great dinner even though they were a little >hesitant about eating what they saw before. Crow: [Tenchi] I don't know, this certainly doesn't taste like venison... in fact, it almost tastes... familiar... Tom: [Washu] Besides, Sasami normally does the cooking--hey, has anyone seen Sasami lately? >Later that night Darrian was >sitting on the back deck fishing in the stream. With the fire flies out >it was perfect fishing conditions for steelhead. Tom: Yes, folks, it's official: Everything even vaguely associated with Darrian is perfect by definition! >He sat back in a >recliner chair only to be disturbed by a noise, [All snicker] Joel: I'm sorry, but Darrian's been disturbed for a while... >"Hi caught anything?" It >was Tenchi. "No, just a bunch of leaves." Tom: Fish are fleeing in abject horror from the sheer evil the man exudes... Joel: Animals can tell about these things, you know. >Darrian had a sad look upon >his face as he slouched back in the recliner. Joel: [Darrian, sadly] I'm going to ruin my posture sitting like this. >"Is something the matter? >You don't look so good." Darrian waved his hand in response, "Oh its >nothing." Tenchi sat up and said, "Well, if it makes any difference, I Tom: [Tenchi, Blofeld-ish] ...have placed a small thermonuclear device somewhere on the premises. You have two minutes to locate it before it detonates. Have a nice day. >appreciate what your doing for all of us." Darrian smiled and said, >"Think nothing of it you deserved it." Tenchi went back in the house >while passing Kiyone, "Hey Kiyone, I think Darrian is down in the >dumper. Crow: [Tenchi] He's rooting around for food scraps again, and I scared him out of there last time... >Try cheering him up." Looking suprised Kiyone said, "What do you >mean? I can't really do anything." Tenchi started to get a stern look on >his face. Tom: [Tenchi] Must... project... authority... oh, who am I trying to kid? Joel: None of the really nice people are ever comfortable having to tell other people what to do. Crow: Interestingly enough, I've noticed Darrian never seems to have a problem with ordering people around. >"Look I know you like him more than a friend Tom: [Kiyone] I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT!!! Crow: [sarcastic] Heck, he's made fun of her, snuck a peek at her naked, snapped at her... what girl could resist that? >but I don't think >he knows that." Kiyone looked hesitant but was calmed. Tenchi put his >hand on her shoulder. "Do what you think is right." Kiyone decided to go >out back where Darrian was. Sitting on the edge Of the deck with a >fishing rod in hand twitching it slowly. Tom: He calls it his *fishing rod?!* That's disgusting! Crow: Can't he at least do that somewhere a little more private? >She walked out and sat next to >him starring at him. Crow: [Kiyone] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you... Tom: "Starring"? Joel: Well, she *is* one of the main characters. >"Hey, you ok?" She said softly. Darrian bent his >head down sighing, Crow: And he's *still* playing with it! Joel: I don't think you two are old enough to see this. Actually, I don't think *I'm* old enough to see this! >with a tear in his eye, "Ever since I got here I've been Tom: [Darrian] ...Fitting a thermonuclear warhead to the ICBM in the garage. In twenty-four hours, Washington D.C. will be razed to the ground! MWAHAHA! >reminiscing about when I was a kid. About when all my family was >here. But now I don't have a family. They've all died of old age or have >been killed in the line of duty." Crow: [Darrian] At least, that's what they told me... Joel: Son, your mother and I died of old age a few days ago! Tom: [Younger Darrian] But daddy, you're right here! Joel: No I'm not, I'm dead! The funeral was two days ago, and if you weren't such a good for nothing brat, you'd have been there! Now shut up and help me with this suitcase, my plane leaves in an hour! >Kiyone put her arm around him. "Hey, >you don't need to worry, we're your family now." Darrian raised his head >a little and looked at Kiyone who was smiling at him. Joel: Just a little, mind you. Crow: [Kiyone] Um, I'm up here--would you mind not staring at my chest for a change? Darrian, snap out of it, you're drooling... >She wiped off the >tear off that was on Darrian's face. He held her hand, embraced her and >they both kissed. All: [make disgusting slobbering noises] Tom: [Darrian] Ow! Why'd you bite my tongue? Joel: [Kiyone] Why'd you ram your tongue down my throat? Crow: [Darrian] Oh, great, I think my braces are stuck in your teeth... >End Part One >I will be posting Part two when ever I get it done. Tom: Take your time! Please! Joel: Let's go, guys. >Mean while, please send me your C&C. I want to Know how I'm doing. [Joel and the bots exit the theater.] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [The bridge of the SOL. Tom and Crow are pacing back and forth, appearing nervous about something.] Crow: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Tom: Everything's good, everything's fine... [Joel enters from the right.] Joel: Hi, guys. Man, was that an awful fanfic or what? Tom: [forced pleasantness] Why Joel, whatever do you mean? It was a *good* fanfic! Crow: [ditto] Yes, it was the best one yet! N-n-not that any of the previous fanfics weren't wonderful in their own right! [Joel looks at the bots strangely.] Joel: What are you guys talking about? It was one of the most blatant cases of self-insertion yet! Tom: [Even more forced] I believe you're mistaken, Joel... it was a *wonderful* fanfic! Joel: Are you kidding me? It was awful! Tom: Joel, I-- [normal voice again] Joel, run! Save yourself! Crow: The shoulder puppets are multiplying! They've taken over the ship! We tried to stop them, but-- [Suddenly, a pair of shoulder puppets appear on both Tom and Crow's shoulders.] Mini-Toms: [at once] Hey! You don't sound happy! WHY DON'T YOU SOUND HAPPY?! Mini-Crows: [ditto] CHEER UP! NOW! Crow: [meekly] Y-y-yes, sir! Tom: It's... it's *good* that our own misguided creations have imposed a reign of terror over the SOL, isn't it, Crow? Crow: Why, yes, Tom! It's very good! Joel: Look, you guys, this is ridiculous. How much harm can a pair of measly puppets-- [A pair of shoulder puppets, this time looking like Joel, pop up.] Mini-Joels: [at once] Hey, you! Are you happy? Joel: GYAH! Mini-Joels: Cheer up, dammit! Joel: Of course I'm not happy! My own inventions are turning on me! And get off my shoulders! It's starting to get on my-- [Suddenly, two more mini-Joels pop up from behind the counter.] Mini-Joels: WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE HAPPY! WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY? Joel: Um, er, well, I-- [Another pair of mini-Joels pops up from behind the counter. And another. And another. And another.] Mini-Joels: WE'LL *TEACH* YOU TO BE HAPPY! WE'LL TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK EGGS! [All of the mini-Joels tackle the real Joel.] Joel: AAAAAUUUGGHHH! Mini-Joels: EVERYONE MUST BE HAPPY! THOSE WHO ARE NOT HAPPY MUST BE ANNIHILATED! [Joel falls behind the counter, screaming. Bits of clothing, hair, and the occassional mini-Joel head fly up into view from time to time.] Tom: Look, Crow! Our creator is having the life strangled out of him by dozens of tiny replicas of himself! Crow: How nice! [The mads' light starts flashing.] Tom: Oh, look, the mads are calling again! Crow: It's *good* that the mads are calling! [Tom bends over and hits the button with his head.] [Deep 13] Dr. F: So, how was today's little nugget of joy? Ready to welcome death yet? [SOL] Tom: It was a *good* fanfic, sir! Crow: I can't think of anything I would have rather read! Joel: [O.S.] AAAAIIEEEE!!! [Deep 13] Dr. F: WHAT?! Frank! I thought you said that fanfic was guaranteed to break them once and for all! Frank: It should have! My pre-readers are still in therapy because of it! Dr. F: That's it. No more kid gloves, boobies--Next week, you're reading Ratliff's Greatest Hits for five hours straight! Push the button, Frank! Frank: Yes, your evilness. [Frank reaches over and pushes the button. Pwooooooosh!] Tom: [O.S.] Oh, joy--an entire afternoon of the exploits of that loveable scamp, Marissa Picard! Crow: [O.S.] I can hardly wait! Joel: [O.S.] ARRGH! Well, that's that. I really enjoyed making this misting... I think I'm finally getting the hang of this, at least a bit. Love it? Hate it? Want me dead? Tell me at Spider256@hotmail.com. Or send a severed head to my house. You know, whatever. Know how I'm doing.