Hello, all you lovely people. It is I, Michael O'Hare, the official Ernesto 'Che' Guevara look-alike of Sinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings! For this, considering it was an S-I fanfic, I decided to toss myself into the crew for a change. I'm probably going to regret that, considering the fic... And what a fanfic it is, too! Riffing this fanfic was, without a doubt, the second most painful experience in my life, rivaled only by my testicular surgery!!! And I've still got THREE more to go! Whatever possessed the writer of this fic to make this, I have no idea. Perhaps he was heavily medicated. Either way, it looks like we have a new tag team for the AAA. Cower in fear... Whatever. Here goes... Oh, and I'm handling all the legal BS at the END of the MiSTing, so don't even TRY to sue me, pal. I'm broke, anyway. ============================================================= TUXEDO SCOUTS, CHAPTER ONE MiSTed by Michael O'Hare, the official Ernesto 'Che' Guevara look-alike of SVAM ============================================================= -*- Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000, Show 101, Reel One... In a not so distant future, Somewhere in Deep 13, Dr. Forrestor and TV's Frank, Were forming a wicked scheme. They found an otaku named Mike O'Hare. The oddest guy you could find anywhere. Their experiment needed a good test case, So they whacked him on the head and then they shot him into space. ("I THOUGHT you two looked familiaaaaaaarr!!!") We'll send him cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find. (La La La!) He'll have to sit and read them all, He'll lose the rest of his mind. (La La La!) Now keep in mind Mike can't control how long the fanfics last, (La La La!) He's trying to save his sanity with the help of the magical girl cast. (cast character roll call!) Yohko! ("108 generations!") Sasami! ("I cook all the time!") Athena! ("Yattah!") REEEEEEEEEEIIIIII! ("I sense something evil!") Now you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts. (La La La!) Just repeat to yourself "I'm not up there, I should really just relax." For Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000! (Guitar Twang.) Devil Hunter Yohko Mano stood, sword at the ready, before the demon charging her. As the reptilian beast neared her, ready to slam its claws into her, she suddenly leapt at it and sliced it in half. "Hah! Too easy," she thought. Unfortunately, she failed to notice the portal that suddenly opened up where she would have landed. Sasami, with Ryo-Ohki watching, added some more beef to the soup, while the sounds of another 'argument' between Ryoko and her sister could be heard outside. Business as normal, she thought. However, as she reached for a stirring spoon, a portal opened up underneath her, dropping her into parts unknown. Athena Asamiya could feel it. This round was almost over. Her opponent, despite being over twice her size, had been almost no match for her. "Just one more attack," she thought, as the crowd's cheering filled her ears, "and this fight's mine!" She immediately jumped into the air and launched into a Phoenix Arrow. Just as she was about to deliver the final blow of the match, however, she sailed into a familiar-looking portal that opened up into her flight path, leaving an utterly confused crowd behind her. Rei Hino was suddenly roused from her sleep by an ominous, yet familiar, feeling. "Oh, no," she thought, "not again!" She was immediately swallowed up by, you guessed it, ANOTHER portal. Mike O'Hare stood at the bridge of the newly launched satellite, speaking with his captor, Dr. Forrester. "What's the name of this thing, again?" he asked Forrester. "Well, since you have such an affinity towards bacon," Forrester told him, "I've decided to name it the Satellite Of Bacon." He laughed, as Mike thought about this for a second. "You do realize," he finally said, "that the initials for Satellite Of Bacon are SOB, don't you?" Forrester stopped laughing as he realized this, his mirth quickly replaced by rage at the fact that someone, one of his prisoners, no less, had gotten the better of him. "Oh, very funny, kid! Just for that, I'm going to send you and your friends the worst fic I can dig up!" "WHAT friends???" Mike said, looking around to prove his point. "I'm the only one up here!" As if on cue, a portal opened up directly over his head, dropping Yohko, Sasami, Athena, and Rei on top of him. A hand reached up and hit a glowing green button on the console on top of the desk. "We'll be right back..." Mike said weakly, as the new inmates of the satellite let out a collective "ow..." {MGFT3K Planet logo} {Begin commercial} Yeah, yeah, yeah! Mentos are the Fresh Maker, eh? You think you're so cool, just because you sneaked into a concert, or just because you rolled on a wet bench, or walked through some poor saps car, or conned your way into a wedding. Well, listen up, mister! One of these days, you're going to come across someone who won't find your Mentos antics so funny, and they're going to SHOOT you in the head!!! Let's see how fresh you are THEN, huh? Just eat the damn candy and don't be an ass! Thank you. {Back to our show} "So, let me get this straight," Athena asked Rei. "We're stuck up here, with no way down, and we're going to be forced to read really crappy fanfiction??" Rei nodded. "Afraid so, and it's a lot worse than it sounds..." Mike then returned to the bridge of the SOB, holding a stick of beef jerky in his hands. "Did you find anything?" Yohko asked. "Well, I searched the entire hold, and not a single box of Hamdingers," he replied, and took a bite of the jerky stick. "It's weird, though, there are a hell of a lot of Slim Jims down there." "I hope we've got a lot of water, in that case," Sasami replied. The Mad's signal light suddenly flashed. "Looks like Hack and Slash are calling," "I'll take it!" Athena said, hitting the button. "Hey," she called out to the mads, "Do you guys realize that the Initials for Satellite Of Bacon is SOB???" At that, the entire bridge of the SOB broke into laughter. Forrester was less than amused. "Listen, young lady! I don't appreciate smart-mouthed test subjects! Just start off the invention before I'm tempted to send you an Oscar fic!" "Certainly," Mike replied, rummaging under the desk. "Our invention," Sasami continued, "Is based on the high crime rate of so many places, and the problems it brings." Mike lifted a pistol from under the desk and tucked into his pocket. "The problem," Yohko explained, "is that people, afraid for their own safety, keep buying guns and pepper spray, and that just makes it too possible to accidentally hurt someone." Mike held up a simple leather wallet and handed it to Rei. "So," she said, putting the wallet on the table next to her, "we've developed something that not only saves you from being a victim, but also reforms your attacker. It's called the Psycho-analyst-In-A-Wallet." Mike stood up from under the table. "Now, let's just pretend that I'm robbing Ms. Hino here. The Psycho-analyst-In-A-Wallet will not only save her life, but it'll show me my problems, help me get over them, and lead a normal life. Ready, Rei?" Rei nodded and stood across from Mike. Mike pulled out the pistol from his pocket, pointed it at Rei, and demanded the wallet. Rei handed the wallet over, but, as Mike grabbed it, a small, flat robot popped out, unfolded, quickly sliced the gun in half, and hovered in front of Mike's face. "Your problem," the little machine said through its tiny speakers, "is that you're wrestling with a rage complex and a slight case of paranoia." Mike dropped the remains of the gun thought about this. "Now that I think about it," he mumbled, "It's true..." As the Psycho-analyst continued its impromptu session with Mike and Rei watched on, Athena turned to the camera. "And batteries are ALWAYS included. What do you think?" Forrester was horrified. With such an invention, the crime rate would plummet, as would the sales of firearms. Such a thing would be a setback for the forces of evil everywhere. He tried to regain his composure and ready himself to blow them away with his evil invention. "Now," Forrester began, "we're all familiar with the Joy Buzzer. It's been a long standing favorite amongst annoying tricksters the world over for years. The only problem was, it didn't cause enough pain." Forrester then began fishing through his pocket for something. "so, I give you the GLOOM BUZZER!" He revealed the invention proudly for the world to see. It looked like an ordinary joy buzzer, only it was dark blue in color and had a skull and cross-bones etched on it. "Instead of just giving your victim a mild shock, this baby actually sends a signal to their brain, making them relive their most saddening and traumatizing events. Allow me to demonstrate. OH, FRA-ANK!" Frank skipped up to Dr. Forrester. "Whaddaya need, sir?" Forrester extended his hand out to Frank and smiled. "Put 'er there, Franky boy!" Although Frank happily obliged, his vigorous shaking was suddenly interrupted by what appeared to be a seizure. After several seconds of silence, tears began to well up in his eyes. Eventually, he burst into tears while yelling "PUPPY!" over and over again. Forrester laughed cruelly at Frank, then turned to address his captors. "Of course, batteries are NOT included." Sasami nodded in disapproval. "I think it's evil and it'll never work." Everyone else nodded in agreement. "I've been trying to control my rage," Mike said to the small robot. "I think I've been doing well." Forrester smiled wickedly as Frank continued to sob pathetically. "Good. Now that that's out of the way, you're fic for today will probably make you weep in an even MORE pathetic way. It's a wicked little self-insertion called the Tuxedo Scouts! Here's hoping you didn't have a big lunch!" Forrester laughed wickedly as he sent the SOB the fic and Frank continued to weep. Back on the SOB, the sirens and klaxons went wild. "WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Rei yelled out as everyone bolted into the theatre. "I feel so much better now!" Mike yell out. (Dog Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...) MIKE: Man, I had no idea I had a paranoia problem. SASAMI: It's a good thing we chose you as the test subject. YOHKO: It could use a shorter name, though. ATHENA: How 'bout Robo-Shrink. MIKE: Too corny. REI: I've got a feeling we're ALL going to need that little thing after this. >Author's Introduction: > > Tuxedo Scouts is a cooperative effort by Rick Meyers, Bryan Lee, >and myself, David Kelk. YOHKO: Sorry, naming your accomplices won't make us go easier on you. > It started when Rick put up a homepage dedicated >to Chibi Usa of Sailor Moon. Bryan and I emailed Rick a number of messages ATHENA: That are unsuitable for reading by younger audiences. >where the Tuxedo Scouts would stop the evil, nefarious plans of Chibi Usa. REI: Uuuh, is this the same Chibi-Usa I know? MIKE: Great, another sad, psychotic Sailor Moon otaku. > The two of us then developed those messages into the fanfic that you >are reading now. SASAMI: Against our will. ATHENA: A fanfic developed from a bunch of e-mails. This should be good. > It is now three parts long with plans for more. We >parody everything we can think of - anime, movies, role playing games REI: In other words, there is not a lick of creativity in it. > and >most fun of all ourselves. ATHENA: Hey, that's OUR job! > As we parody ourselves we used our real names. YOHKO: Plus, your egos will probably inflate all that much faster. > Don't read too much >into this though. Questions and comments can be sent to us through me at >yku00969@yorku.ca. YOHKO: What's our policy on flames? MIKE: We'll decide after it's over. REI: I can already tell you... > > David Kelk > Bryan Lee > Rick Meyers > > Tuxedo Scouts Chapter 1 > > Evil People Shouldn't Watch Tenchi SASAMI: I can attest to that! MIKE: Has there been a problem with criminally insane people getting their hands on Tenchi Muyo tapes? REI: Judging by some of the fanfics out there, yes. > > Writing: Bryan Lee, David Kelk Editing: Bryan Lee, David Kelk MIKE: Well it was edited, at least there's that. YOHKO: In some fanfiction, that stands for little, if anything. > > >[Intro music] > >The Tuxedo Project was our last best hope for peace. >It failed. YOHKO: Hmmm... This sounds oddly familiar... MIKE: Hey, this reminds me, there was once this guy on 'Babylon 5' name Michael O'Hare. REI: So? MIKE: I dunno, I just think its kinda neat, that's all. >But in the year of the Sailor Chibi Moon war it became much more. >A symbol with which to make gobs of money through spinoffs, merchandising >and hopefully movies (CRASH!) MIKE: And THERE goes the fourth wall. >..er.. >A Symbol of Hope > >[Intro Ends] SASAMI: If that was any indication of the writer's creativity level, then we're in deep trouble. > >[Begin long, heroic flashback which includes strong orchestral music, >many shots of the rising sun over Japan, lots and lots of rose petals >blowing in the wind MIKE: Uh-oh, sounds like this guy's been taking lessons from Adam Chris Leigh. SASAMI: Please, no! > and Tuxedo Righteous standing over the fallen body of >Tuxedo Mask. YOHKO: Looks like they killed off Tuxedo Kamen right away. REI: Lucky him, he's not in this fanfic. SASAMI: Still, the implications are unsettling. > >Tuxedo Too Righteous for Words MIKE: And THERE goes any chance of modesty. SASAMI: Let the ego inflating begin. > stared long and hard upon the fallen >body of Tuxedo Mask. The stone held in the young boy's hand slowly >goes crimson. ATHENA: Hey, a mood ring. YOHKO: Either that, or a pet rock. > Tuxedo Righteous turns away. What evil could have done this >to such an innocent young boy? MIKE: I'm guessing you, S-I boy. > Had he not long been their companion in >their half hour syndicated fights against many different but oh so similar >looking, sounding and acting monsters of really wierd evil kingdoms? REI: Grrrrrr... SASAMI: Uh-oh!. > >Also, was it not written into his, no, all of their contracts that they >would always get the girl, ALL: No. >lose her, ALL: No. >get mortally wounded defending her ALL: No! > but >always live happily ever after? ALL: NO! > >How would Righteous break the news to Sailor Moon? She would surely have a >Moon Spiral Heart Attack! Mina and Rei - the two girls most dear to me REI: Oh, no! MIKE: Is it possible for anime characters to get restraining orders on their fans? REI: I hope so. >(along with Claudia Schiffer, Madonna, Maria Carey, all of the Contestants >of the Miss America Pageant....) ATHENA: Sounds like someone needs a life. > - would never talk to me again! REI: It's not like we would ever talk to you in the first place! > >In fact I'm sure that I'd be in a lot of trouble when they find out: ATHENA: About this fanfic. > >First I'd be tied up by the Venus Lovely Chain, REI: Trust me, it would cause you great pain! >I'm sure that that'd give me (literally) a Moon Spiral Heart Ache, >Then Jupiter would follow up by checking my Vital Pressure, ATHENA: Since when did Sailor Jupiter work in an auto garage? >Followed by an Icy Shoulder from Mercury, MIKE: And a corperate elbow. >Finally I'd be charred to death by Mars's Fire Ball. REI: Oh, I'd do that. And I'd enjoy it, too. YOHKO: Calm down, it's hardly started. SASAMI: And then he'd be dead, right? > SASAMI: Is something the writer needs. ATHENA: And how! > >Being tied up in the Lovely Chain does sound like fun though. REI: Uh-oh! MIKE: We have confirmation of sick-o otaku! > >A hand grips his pant leg and Righteous snaps back to reality. MIKE: Oh, sick! He's not doing what I think he's doing!!! SASAMI: Eew!!! REI: Mike, I'm stopping you right now from making any more perverted jokes. MIKE: No you're not... > Tuxedo Mask >looks up at him and coughs out MIKE: The horror... the horror... SASAMI: Rosebud... >"Chibi Moon" before dying. A fire wells up >within Righteous YOHKO: Looks like that Mexican pizza's repeating on him. SASAMI: Get the Tums. > and a blue flaming aura - the hallmark of all true anime >heroes - ATHENA: If that's so, why the hell does he have one? > appears around him. > >The memory of their fight against Chibi Moon comes back to him. REI: So let me get this straight... Sailor Chibimoon just killed her own father? MIKE: That would appear to be the scenario, yes. REI: WHY?? SASAMI: Well, so much for the continuity. > The little >mockery had proven to be a match for their roses, petunias and more. SASAMI: Vigilante Flower Delivery Service! >Her >final attack was devastating. She started to play old Minmei tunes from her >luna ball. YOHKO: Which one, the Original one, or the Robotech one? MIKE: Yeah, 'cause the Macross Minmei was actually a decent singer. YOHKO: Yeah. MIKE: She's still a bimbo, though... YOHKO: Mike!! MIKE: Sorry. > The force of this hideous attack threw Righteous back several >blocks. REI: What a weenie. >Tuxedo Chibi Mask had fought very bravely SASAMI: Who the heck is Tuxedo Chibi Mask?? REI: Never heard of him. ATHENA: Just how many avatars are in this story? > but was thrown clear of >the city by the first words of 'My Boyfriend's A Pilot.' MIKE: Those words being 'My boyfriend's a pilot.' REI: Although a bad title for a song, it's not exactly what I would call devestating. > It was only the >bulk of a tall skyscraper that had prevented Righteous from being blasted >out of the city. > >Righteous remembers the first words he heard upon regaining consciousness: SASAMI: Oh, no! He's still alive! ATHENA: Get the shotgun. > >"Yep, this building is wrecked. It's going to have to be condemned." MIKE: Must have been a pretty weak building... YOHKO: If a human being hitting it would have caused it to wreck, then it wasn't up to code, so it would have been condemned anyway... ATHENA: Unless he was moving fast enough to do enough damage to a normal building... MIKE: But, in which case, his body would have been torn apart... ATHENA: Long before he reached the building... YOHKO: And... ATHENA: And... MIKE: And... ATHENA, MIKE, & YOHKO: OOOOOWWW!!! REI: Don't think about the fanfic too much, and it won't hurt. I've been through this before... MIKE: Ow... > >That fiend! First she kills Tuxedo Mask THEN she has Cyber City, the >best Anime and Manga store in town condemned! ATHENA: It definitely sounds like someone needs a life. > >Bryan steps outside to see the building had cracked and fallen against >another across the street against which it had come to rest. SASAMI: Marking the beginning of a financial commercial. > >Dammit all! I haven't finished watching Giant Robo yet! REI: I guess it's too much trouble to find ANOTHER store that sells it. > By all the mighty >powers that be I swear revenge upon you!! > >Chibi Usa was a strong opponent, maybe too strong for him to defeat by >himself. SASAMI: Because he's a wuss? MIKE: If a boombox was able to throw him several blocks, then yes, I would say that he's a wuss. > He was going to need help to end the existence of that genetic >mockery of such great Sailor Scouts. ATHENA: Genetic mockery of the Sailor Senshi? MIKE: What, you mean like the Sky Dancers? REI: Ooh, we'd just LOVE to have a one-on-one against those losers. MIKE: My money's on the Senshi. > >[End long, heroic flashback.] SASAMI: That was a flashback?? YOHKO: Ya' got me! > >[Ducking back into an alleyway Righteous reverses the transformation >leaving Bryan standing holding a smoking rose. MIKE: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!! > Putting it into his jacket ATHENA: Which quickly catches fire. >he heads out onto the street. REI: Into oncoming traffic. SASAMI: THUMP! > Pulling out his cell phone Bryan dials in a >number.] ATHENA: Hello? 1-900-SPANKME? MIKE: Hey, that's my line! REI: And it's nothing to be proud of! > >Bryan: Capeboy...I need your help. YOHKO: I gotta move my couch. > We had hoped that the day >would never come, but just as we achieve final victory in our war against >the Negaverse (until next season anyway) REI: First off, I don't remember this guy helping us in our battles. Second, I'd like to think that our opponents showed some diversity. > we now face a menace that >threatens to destroy all that we had strived for. REI: Destroy everything an S-I character has worked for? YOHKO: I don't know about you guys, but I'm rooting for the menace. ALL: YAH!!! GO MENACE!!! > Only the combined >might of the Tuxedo Force can end the evil of [dramatic drum roll] MIKE: This man stands to win 5,000 dollars!!! Sailor >Chibi Moon. Pardon? SASAMI: I said you're not dealing with AT&T. YOHKO: I am now! > ... oh ... I'm sorry. SASAMI: I hope that's an apology to us for this fanfic. > >[Bryan disconnects and dials again. This time he gets the number right. MIKE: THIS time he calls 1-900-SPANK-ME! >As he talks a mysterious figure watches him from across the street. SASAMI: The Shadow! > She >leans against the wall with a bizarre little black ball floating to her >left while REI: Gee, I wonder who this is! > a much taller man stands to her right with a slightly dazed >expression on his face. MIKE: The colors, man... the colors... > She continues to watch Bryan until a dapper man >bumps into her.] SASAMI: No, wait. That's a daiper man. MIKE: It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it! > >Dapper Man: Oh I'm sorry little girl. > YOHKO: That's a nasty concussion. So sorry! >Little Girl: Not as sorry as you are going to be. SASAMI: I'm gonna SUE!!! ATHENA: Then I'll COUNTER-SUE!!! > Kitty magic! Luna ball >I want a flamethrower. MIKE: Huh?? Can it DO that?? REI: As far as I know, it can't. > >[Chibi Usa bounces the black ball until it bounces high into the >air. There is a bright puff of pink smoke and a flamethrower drops into >her hands. MIKE: There's a secret code to let you play Chibimoon in Resident Evil 2! > Shw fires it at the dapper man. YOHKO: Shw?? Who's Shw?? ATHENA: Maybe it's another Avatar. SASAMI: They're popping up everywhere. REI: Kinda like roaches. > The other man who was >standing to her right stares blankly into space.] MIKE: I can SEE the music! > >Thrall: [Thinking to himself] I want a speaking part. SASAMI: What's a thrall? MIKE: At the end of your turn, put a thrall token into play. ATHENA: Treat this token as a 0/1 CRAP creature. > >[Flames leap all over the area. Innocent bystanders and extras get >singed but eventually the dapper man who evades bolt after bolt of flame >with great skill is no more. REI: Sadly, he evaded the bolts of flame right into an open manhole. > A pile of charred bones collapse to the >ground.] ATHENA: Well, since the dapper man evaded the bolts, it can't be his. > >Chibi Usa: Lets go get some ice cream. MIKE: Or some booze. > >Thrall: Unnnh... YOHKO: Translation: I'm lactose intolerant. > >[The flamethrower incident did not go unnoticed however. SASAMI: I should hope not! ATHENA: If people are getting singed, I think they'll notice! I think it goes without saying! > Bryan, >finishing talking to Dave, saw the whole thing. YOHKO: And didn't do a thing about it! REI: Not much of a hero, is he? > They had agreed to meet >at the Temple (of Positive Pain of course) REI: HEY!!! > but the greatest source of evil >in the anime universe was walking right here. ATHENA: That source of evil being himself. > He could not quit make out >the figure walking beside her but it was no matter. He had to take action. REI: Like he should have during the flame-thower incident that just occurred in front of him. ATHENA: He had to wait for his brain to register something. >Rapidly climbing the side of the condemned building YOHKO: It collapses on him. > he pulls out a rose >which begins to smoke.] MIKE: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! > >[Chibi Usa skips along while her thrall zombie scrambles to keep up. >Suddenly her eyes go wide as she knows something is wrong. SASAMI: Oh, no! I'm in another self-insertion fic! > Leaping out >of the Sun Tuxedo Righteous lands in front of her.] ATHENA: In flames. > >Tuxedo Righteous: I am the terror that flaps in the night. REI: Even if this IS a parody, they should make up their own lines! MIKE: Not likely. > I am the >fly that spoils your soup. MIKE: Waitress! What's this fly doing in my soup??? SASAMI: Drowning. MIKE: Thank you!!! REI: Funny. > I am.. he starts but... ATHENA: Suddenly becomes the narrator. > >Chibi Usa: TOAST Bucket Head. Thrall Get him! ALL: YAH!!! GO THRALL, OR WHATEVER YOU ARE!!! > >[The thrall runs forward arms flailing wildly. Tuxedo Righteous >easily dodges aside.] REI: Into a telephone pole. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Too scared to fight me on your own eh? Tuxedo Flash! YOHKO: Oh, no!!! He's a flasher, too!!! ALL: NO!!! > >[Everything goes bright as a flash envelopes Tuxedo Righteous. REI: And disintegrates him. SASAMI: You really want this guy dead, don't you. REI: Yup! >When it clears he is still standing there but there is a large canoe on >his head.] ALL: ATHENA: Uuuuh, did I read that right? MIKE: Did you read something about a guy with a canoe on his head? ATHENA: ...Yes. MIKE: Then I'm afraid you did. ATHENA: Oh, crap! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Now I am Tuxedo Canoehead!!! ALL: PORTAGE!!! > >[The thrall leaps at the transformed Tuxedo Righteous who spins >really fast using his head mounted canoe to bat the thrall away. ATHENA: The force of the canoe spinning snaps his neck. The End. SASAMI: Don't you start, too. ATHENA: Sorry, I'm heading down that road. YOHKO: Me, too. SASAMI: ...So am I. > As >the thrall hits the ground Tuxedo Canoehead looks down in horror and >turns to face Chibi Usa.] ATHENA: I guess he realized he wasn't wearing pants. YOHKO: Ugh!!! > >Tuxedo Canoehead: What have you done to Rick you Dried Up Monkey? SASAMI: Can't he come up with any of his OWN lines??? YOHKO: Or at least rip off an appropriate line? MIKE: Why did he capitalize 'dried up monkey'? > >[Rick, the thrall, charges again but Tuxedo Canoehead simply side >steps and with a Boot to the Head! kicks Rick into a nearby wall. SASAMI: You can really tell he's concerned about him, what with the way he's beating him. > Rick hits >the wall so hard that his head punctures through the other side.] MIKE: Cheap wall. REI: It looks like NONE of the buildings are up to code in this city. > >Female Voice From Inside: [Upon seeing Rick] Aargh - a pervert! He's back! > >[Huh? What? is all his barely conscious brain can register before >he is beaten into unconsciousness by a large kettle.] ATHENA: That is one aggressive kitchen appliance. REI: He is later given a noogie by the blender. SASAMI: That's gotta hurt! > >Tuxedo Canoehead: Now it is just you and me. > >[Canoehead winds up for one final blow to Chibi Usa. He runs at her, >intending to impale her upon the mono-edge of his canoe, who just stands >there smiling, bouncing her Luna ball. MIKE: Uuuuuh... Fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes of any animal in the world. SASAMI: Huh?? YOHKO: Were did that come from? MIKE: Well, I had to say SOMETHING here. > She screams something about a final >attack and the world is engulfed in an explosion of light.] YOHKO: So, the world just blew up. REI: Anything to end this. > >[Dave arrives on the scene in his Tuxedo Scout role of Flying Cape Boy REI: That's nice... who's Dave? SASAMI: Who's Flying Cape Boy? YOHKO: This is REALLY going to hurt! > only >to find eight beavers eating a perfectly good canoe, ATHENA: Which is odd, because it's made out of metal. YOHKO: By the way, beavers don't eat wood. That's just a naïve view most people have of them. REI: What is this, the Discovery Channel all of a sudden? > a huge crater in the >road and Bryan flush with the surface of a wall. SASAMI: Huh??? MIKE: Something about flushing a wall. > As Dave peels Bryan out >with a spatula he mutters over and over "Strong, Too Strong."] > >A tall man wearing a fancy tux steps out of nowhere and begins to >speak:] MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire human race for this fanfic. Thanks. I'm sorry. > >Tall Man: Thus a new epic is started as the Tuxedo Scouts [covering for the >Sailor Scouts who got a better offer in China and took off] REI: Well, at least we're not in it. MIKE: But, if it's self-insertion, and you guys are not in it... REI: Try not to think about it. MIKE: Can't help it... Ooooh... I can see Jim Morrison... not a good sign... SASAMI: Oh, no! REI: Well, I warned him. > prepare to >fight off the latest threat to dad, MIKE: Hey, leave my father out of this!!! SASAMI: Hey, you're back. MIKE: How much did I miss? ATHENA: About two seconds. MIKE: Crap. > cherry pie, YOHKO: I prefer key lime, myself. > Battle Angel Alita Manga MIKE: Leave her out of this, too! >and of course all the good little boys and girls out there who SASAMI: Don't write Self-Insertion. > will buy >our Tuxedo Scout merchandising like this wonderful shirt that only costs >...." ATHENA: That only costs four dots. What a deal! YOHKO: It looks like the writer's stuck himself in his own little world. > >[Both Tuxedo Righteous and Dave crush the man flat with giant mallets.] > >Flying Cape Boy: Where do we get these mallets from anyway? > >Tuxedo Righteous: Dunno. They're either from hammer-space or sheer force >of will. YOHKO: Hey, the ability to access hammerspace is a proud anime privilege that we don't just bestow to just any loser fanboy that wants it!!! MIKE: Can I have it? YOHKO: No! MIKE: Oh, poo! > >[From now on they, Tuxedo Righteous and Flying Cape boy shall work >together as a team, to defeat the Chib and free the enslaved mind of their >friend Rick.] SASAMI: Okay, there's the plot. YOHKO: Or what stands for it. > >[Somewhere a little girl laughs and laughs... and laughs.] REI: And a reading audience weeps... and weeps. > > >End of Episode 1, Part 2 of Tuxedo Scouts Vs the Chib > > YOHKO: Now what? MIKE: Time for a commercial break. SASAMI: Oh, good! A breather! REI: Who's our sponsor? ATHENA: We're about to find out... {MGFT3K Planet logo} {A word from our sponsor} (A huge army of soldiers, wearing the garbs of the old Soviet army, march in from the distance, as a portrait of Joseph Stalin appears superimposed over them.) Joseph Stalin! He is quite possibly one of the cruelest rulers of the twentieth century. Under his rule, the U.S.S.R. grew into a mighty and feared empire. In his time, he was a feared despot. Now, he's a yummy breakfast treat! Introducing FROSTED STALIN FLAKES, a fun part of a complete socialist breakfast! Only Frosted Stalin Flakes has little Hammer-'N'-Sickle flakes frosted with RED SUGAR!!! And only Frosted Stalin Flakes gives every vitamin and mineral an equal serving... EXCEPT IRON! Frosted Stalin Flakes has TEN TIMES THE SUGGESTED DAILY IRON INTAKE IN EACH SERVING!!! FROSTED STALIN FLAKES! Buy them at your nearest filthy capitalist food depot TODAY! {Aaaaaand... we're back!} REI: Stalin Flakes?? STALIN FLAKES??? SASAMI: Is that even legal? MIKE: Jeez... ATHENA: And here comes the fic again. YOHKO: I think I preferred the commercial. >Tuxedos vs. the Chib, Episode 1 Part 2 > >[A cool wind penetrates the night air. Dying street lamps barely illuminate >the dark, decaying street. SASAMI: Roads deteriorating due to lack of funds... > Rubble is strewn everywhere and the condemned >building can be seen in the background. All is deserted save for two lone >figures... and a small hysterical mob.] > >Mob: Damn you Tuxedo Scouts! You're nothing but trouble. REI: Hey, I like this mob. MIKE: Apparently they've read the story, too. > All these >monsters keep appearing because of you. Why can't you just go away, take >those monsters with you and leave us be? ALL: YEAH!!! > >Tuxedo Righteous: This is Tokyo. Everyone knows that evil monsters attack >Tokyo. It's a noble tradition that goes back hundreds of years. REI: Bullsh*t!! SASAMI: Hey!! REI: Sorry... > >Flying Cape Boy: Right. And wherever there are monsters to be found there >are brave heroes like ourselves [Both Tuxedo Scouts pose heroically] SASAMI: And tear their pants. > to >battle them on behalf of the common people... YOHKO: If the people have to count on heroes like you, they're doomed. > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Whispers to Flying Cape Boy] ... And make lots of money >signing lucrative TV contracts. ATHENA: Oh, come on! Who would be insane enough to give these two a TV contract?? MIKE: UPN. ATHENA: Don't give 'em any ideas! > >Mob: But you destroyed my business, my home and everything I own! SASAMI: The entire mob owned one business, one house, and shared everything? YOHKO: It's a mob of irate Communists! MIKE: Frosted Stalin Flakes' target consumers. > Why >can't you leave us to live under the oppressive hand of these evil >creatures? At least we'll have some peace. MIKE: Where were these people during the communist rule? > >Flying Cape Boy: Geez, for a hysterical mob you're speaking pretty >coherently. ATHENA: WE ARE A COLLECTIVE! > >Mob: That's not our fault. The voice director was too cheap to hire more >people. YOHKO: Spent it all on beer and 'hos! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Enough! How could you people possibly want to live under >the influence of some evil creature who cares nothing for your well-being? MIKE: Hey, people voted for Perot, didn't they? >Haven't you learned anything from the great heroes of the past like Captain >Harlock in Arcadia of My Youth? REI: Because you certainly haven't! > Do you not see what sacrifices have been >made by people like us... SASAMI: What exactly have these two sacrificed? ATHENA: The sanity of the readers. > >Flying Cape Boy: [Whispers] Captain Harlock was the most retarded movie I >have ever seen! REI: Well, nobody cares about your opinion. MIKE: I liked Captain Harlock! > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Shoots back] YOHKO: And hits him in the leg. > Shut up! I'm trying to earn an IP in >leadership here. ATHENA: Irate Parrot? REI: Irresponsible Politics? MIKE: Iridescent Peanuts? YOHKO: Incurable Prostate? SASAMI: Involuntary Parasailing? > [To crowd] .. to protect you and your family from harm? > >[Cut to a bedroom with three teenagers in it: MIKE: Uh-oh, I don't think the following scene is going to be suitable for younger viewers. SASAMI: Eew! REI: That's enough. MIKE: Pass the kleenex, will ya'? SASAMI: EEEW!!! REI: STOP IT!!! > >GM: Ok, the crowd has listened to your speech. Make a Empathy + Leadership >skill roll. MIKE: HUH?!? ATHENA: And the story takes yet another confusing and pointless turn! > >Bryan: [Rolls dice and gets a 10 followed by a 8] Yes! A critical. >Adding in my Emp and skill I get a total of 32.... SASAMI: Great... what does that mean? YOHKO: Absolutely nothing. > >Dave: You lucky bastard...] > >Mob: [Now crying in shame] REI: Over being in this fanfic. > That was so beautiful... I don't know what had >come over me. I love you man. No, I *really* love you man. ALL: You're not getting my Bud Light. > >[Tuxedo Righteous and Flying Cape Boy big-sweat and face-fault. The sad >mob slowly disperses. ATHENA: We're missing the World Cup! > Righteous and Cape Boy turn their attention to Rick's >battered body.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: Cape Boy, gimme a hand here! MIKE: Why should we applauding him? REI: Booing seems more appropriate. > >Flying Cape Boy: Aw Righteous, do I gotta? *YOU* were the one who got Rick >stuck in that wall in the first place... ATHENA: He's pretty whiney for a superhero. REI: Hmmmm... > >Tuxedo Righteous: Never mind that now. If we want to have any chance of >defeating that pink parasite, we'll need his help! MIKE: Pink Parasite Eve. > >Flying Cape Boy: Oh come on...when was the last time Tuxedo Shades did >anything other than sputter bad poetry and throw roses around? SASAMI: So, he's half Kodachi Kuno, half Tatewaki Kuno? > >Tuxedo Righteous: That doesn't matter. Fighting ability or no, we can >always use a good shield to soak all that damage. REI: Cannon-fodder! > [Quietly] That and my >hit-points are still a little low. MIKE: The unnecessary, pointless RPG references are making my head hurt. Again. >[Louder] And in all honesty, you're too >squirmy for that role. MIKE: ...No... too easy. > >[Cape Boy nods reluctantly, recalling the horrors of the day's battle.] SASAMI: I don't recall any horrors. YOHKO: I don't recall any battle. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Okay now, on three...one...two...three...*PULL*!!! > >[Rick's head is freed from the wall, REI: But the rest of his body stays behind. > but he continues to lie prone on the >ground mumbling incoherently. ATHENA: I think this is one of the writers... REI: Good. > Seconds after Rick's head is removed a much >cuter, female, red haired head appears through the hole.] > >Red Head: SASAMI: Red Head? Why's the 'head' capitalized. MIKE: Oh, no! The Brood gave Head a bloodbath!!! > Damn pervert! I've seen you around before. I know who you are. ATHENA: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I'VE SEEN WHERE YOU SLEEP, AND I SWEAR TO GOD THAT YOUR MOTHER WILL WEEP WHEN THEY SEE WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU!!! SASAMI: Whoa!! YOHKO: Settle down, girl! MIKE: That was scary! ATHENA: Sorry, got too much into it. > >[She throws a brick at Rick hitting him squarely on the forehead. ALL: > He slumps >to the ground.] SASAMI: I thought he was already on the ground. REI: Whoops. > >Red Head: [Looks up seeing the others for the first time.] REI: And realizes in horror that they're S-I characters. > Oh! It's.. >It's.. Flying Cape Boy! Control.. control... must remain in control. YOHKO: Must resist urge to kill S-I characters... > >Tuxedo Righteous: Uh, hi - I'm here too you know. MIKE: Yes, we know, although we've tried hard to forget. > [Strikes a pose] My >names Tuxedo Righteous. I .... MIKE: ...Am an alcoholic. EVERYONE ELSE: HI RIGHTOUS! > >Red Head: [Obviously flustered] Cape Boy would you like to come in for a >cup of sex? I mean a cup of coffee? YOHKO: Oh, God! SASAMI: Do the writers even know that Ranma's a BOY??? MIKE: For their sake, I hope not... > >[Spotlights centre on Flying Cape Boy and the Read Head.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Jumps up and down] *I* *am* *here* *too!* ALL: WE DON'T CARE! > >Flying Cape Boy: [Looking obviously afraid] Um.. er.. what? .. sex? ATHENA: What is this 'sex' you speak of? >[Looks left and right like a caged animal confronted by a gnashy power saw.] SASAMI: Suddenly, it's a Robert Frost poem. MIKE: Or a staged PETA undercover film. > >Red Head: No, no - I meant coffee. [Looking at his crotch] ATHENA: And begins laughing hysterically. SASAMI: Hey, come om! We're not supposed to badmouth the authors. ATHENA: We're not. We're badmouthing the characters. YOHKO: We're allowed to do that. MIKE: Yeah, it's just a strange coincidence that the writers are the characters. SASAMI: MIKE: Oh, just get into it with us. REI: It's easy! > I'm your >biggest fan and I'd love for you to come in and have a cup of coffee. > >Flying Cape Boy: [Sweating bullets, puts hands over crotch] MIKE: What is with all the masturbation references??? You can't tell me that it's a coincidence!! SASAMI: Just don't think that way! > This is my >friend Tuxedo Righteous. Maybe he'd like to share a cup of coffee with >you. I know Rick would but he's very unconscious now. OH! Guess what! REI: You're unnapealling? ATHENA: And annoying? YOHKO: You're both right! >I just realised that I forgot to check my email. REI: He wants to read the latest flames. > Bye! > >[Flying Cape Boy valiantly runs away and hides. > >He was not afraid to die - Oh, brave Cape Boy! >He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, >Brave, brave, brave, brave Cape Boy... REI: The humor, ladies and gentlemen, the humor. MIKE: Please make it stop. >] SASAMI: As does the audience's interest in this story. > >Red Head: Come back! REI: I want to cave your head in! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Are you serving Maxwell House? > >Red Head: Hmph! [Disappears back through hole.] YOHKO: I'm getting out of this fanfic! > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Shouts after Cape Boy] NOW I know how you got your >name! Get out here you coward. > >Flying Cape Boy: No! Is she gone yet? > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Exasperated] Yes she is. Sometimes I wonder how >Ami puts up with you. REI: Ami doesn't put up with him! ATHENA: I hope that we can get restraining orders against fans. > >Flying Cape Boy: That's easy - we have a common interest. REI: No you don't!!! What could Sailor Mercury and a sick, incoherent fanboy have in common?!? MIKE: Within the writers' sick, twisted universe, more than we'd want to know. REI: Grrrr... > >[Begin Cape Boy's flashback: YOHKO: Back to the war. MIKE: This is the end,... > >David is in a Radio-Ripoff-Shack. He's just finished buying a book and CD. SASAMI: You know, if he doesn't like the place, maybe he shouldn't be shopping there. >Hearing an odd growling sound from outside he goes to investigate. REI: It's a group of very irate fanfic readers. Oh, he's in trouble now! YOHKO: You REALLY want to see this guy hurt, don't you? ATHENA: So do I. > He >steps outside, looks around quickly and sees nothing. REI: Nothing, the inspiration for this fic's plot. > Suddenly there's a >huge monster that looks like a vacuum tube looming over him. ALL: SASAMI: A vacuum tube??? ATHENA: Ladies and gentlemen, a sterling example of the author's creativity. > From behind >him a voice shouts: MIKE: HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!? > >Voice: MERCURY ICE STORM FREEZE!!! REI: Oh, please tell me Mercury was aiming for him! > >[David is frozen quite solidly in a block of ice that magically appeared >around him and the monster.] ATHENA: Well, ask and you shall receive. ALL: > >David: [Thinking] Cold! Too cold! Luckily I'm an anime character and >don't need to breathe. SASAMI: Anime characters DO need to breathe!!! Now I AM getting mad!! REI: Welcome aboard. YOHKO: And this person is NOT an anime character! > Otherwise, I'd be in a lot of trouble. > >[David looks out through the ice and can vaguely make out three figures >standing in front of it.] SASAMI: Laughing at him. MIKE: See? It IS easy to make fun of the characters! > >Voice #2: MOON HEALING ESCALATION! > >[A tumbling crescent moon made of pure energy strikes the ice, David and the >monster behind. ATHENA: So it hit the monster in its butt? MIKE: Ouch! > The ice melts, the monster boils away into nothingness and >David falls to the ground after being magically cured of all his evil.] REI: If that's so, how do you explain this fanfic? > >Voice #3: No! You clutz there's someone in there. REI: And You MISSED him!!! > >Voice #2: Are you sure? I didn't see anyone. YOHKO: Neither did we. Heh, heh... > >[The three figures: Sailors Moon, Mercury and Mars rush over and start REI: Pummeling him! >shaking David. He moans and attempts to sit up.] REI: But we just push him right back down!!! SASAMI: Okay, better calm down now, Rei. MIKE: Yeah, you're starting to sound pretty scary. REI: > >Sailor Moon: He... survived. ALL: Drat... > >Sailor Mercury: The Sceptre dispels the evil in creatures. Since the >monsters from the Negaverse are purely evil they are destroyed. People are >partially evil so 99% would survive the cleansing. SASAMI: Uuuuuh, okaaaay... ATHENA: The writers are making less and less sense, the least they could do is try to level themselves out. > >[David slowly regains consciousness. He looks up and sees the Sailor Scouts >in a kind of double vision - both their Scout and civilian persona side by >side. SASAMI: That makes no sense, either. > Unknown memories flood into his mind of another place... MIKE: About aliens and an anal probe... > a kingdom >on the moon that was attacked. The Scouts were there along with others >wearing tuxedos who's job it was to... SASAMI: Be escorts. > Can't remember. Another memory >floods back... MIKE: About being naked and surrounded by druids... SASAMI: WHAT??? MIKE: ...Oh, Hell, I think this fanfic's starting to affect me! > yes, I was the system administrator for the Kingdom of the >Earth. Tuxedo Mask was.... and there were others...] REI: Funny, I don't remember any of that! YOHKO: Self-Insertion truly is a frightening thing. > >Bryan and Rick: [Both sitting to one side watching Dave film his >scene facefault.] System administrator?!?! ATHENA: System Administrator for WHAT??? YOHKO: More like Janitor. MIKE: At least most other S-I writers TRY to make it plausible! > That's soooo lame. REI: We agree. SASAMI: You know you're in trouble when the writers themselves start badmouthing their own work. MIKE: Kill me now. > >Sailor Mercury: Look - that's the CD I was planning to buy before that >creature showed up. [Sighs] That was the last Rush album they had too. REI: RUSH??? RUSH??? How did you EVER think that Ami likes RUSH?!? SASAMI: Rei, please calm down! ATHENA: Yeah, I don't think Forrestor sprung for a sprinkler system in this thing. MIKE: He didn't. > >David: [Weakly] Don't worry Ami, I'd be happy to share it with you. > >Sailor Mercury: How do you know who I am? > YOHKO: He's toast now! >End Cape Boy's flashback.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: I can just see it: hackers in virtual love. REI: Well, I sure as Hell can't! > Anyway, >we'd better get Rick back home before his body freezes out here. > >Flying Cape Boy: Virtual? absolutely NOT! SASAMI: It doesn't even exist! > [Desperate to change subject] >Geez Bryan, Mina's not going to be too happy with you...what with what you >did to her fiance and all... ALL: NANI?!? YOHKO: Her FIANCEE??? REI: I can't believe this!!! This is insulting!!! MIKE: Why did I just speak in Japanese? I'm American. > >[Bryan again grins profusely at the thought of being tied up with Sailor >Venus's Lovely Chain.] SASAMI: This is truly sick. MIKE: Natural Born Killers wasn't as s sick as this! > >Flying Cape Boy: There's a little spot of blood under your nose. You're >thinking extremely hentai thoughts aren't you? [Looks skyward] ...Baka... ATHENA: Are we supposed to be impressed by the author's scant knowledge of the Japanese language? REI: Smile and nod. >Anyhow, how do you expect us to be able to beat the little twit? We >couldn't even touch her. MIKE: You want to touch her? Leave those thoughts to yourself, kid. REI: That was weak Mike, weak and SICK! MIKE: I'm trying, okay?? > And look at that poor guy she roasted...he didn't >even get a chance to roll a dodge. MIKE: But he WAS dodging! And quite nicely, too! REI: Again, smile and nod. MIKE: Again, kill me now. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Yes, she certainly *HAS* grown powerful. But you must >remember, we were defeated as individuals. She used our lack of teamwork >against us. Next time, we strike as a unified force... REI: And be defeated as a team. > >[Suddenly, a black rose imbeds itself in the pavement beside Rick's still >inert head. MIKE: Alright!!! Kodachi Kuno's come to kick their butts!!! ALL: ALRIGHT!!! GO KODACHI!!! > Theme music plays in the background, and Dave and Bryan >look up to see ... absolutely no place where the music or rose could have >come from!] > >Tuxedo Shades: Fellow tuxedos, a great evil is spreading it's dark ways >across the land. MIKE: Bob Dornan. > The world has been cast in an evil shroud of terror unlike >any which has come before. SASAMI: Calm down, it's just a cloudy day! > Even the menace of the purple dinosaur whose >name men dare not speak pales in comparison to this monstrosity. MIKE: Look, Barney's dead, he's been dead for years now. Get over it. > >[Bryan turns towards the wall in which Rick was previously imbedded >to see, a lone figure standing on top of it. SASAMI: El Zorro! > He is dressed in a tuxedo >sans hat, is wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and clutching a black rose.] REI: I hope Kodachi Kuno has filed a lawsuit against this guy. > >Tuxedo Righteous & Flying Cape Boy: [Both point and speak in stereo] SASAMI: Don't you know it's rude to point?? YOHKO: I'm pretty sure speaking in stereo isn't very polite, either. >Tuxedo Shades! > >[Slowly, both Tuxedo Scouts look down at Rick's unmoving form, realizing >that something is not quite right.] REI: The entire fanfic. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Hey, how can you be up there and down here at the same >time? Oh ... you must be the heroic embodiment of Rick, right? REI: Basically, what I'm getting out of this character is that the writers have the creativity level of pocket lint. YOHKO: Not to mention the intelligence level. > [Righteous >smiles, pleased with himself for figuring out yet another mind boggling >anime inconsistency.] YOHKO: Hey!!! > >Tuxedo Shades: No. For, you see, Rick does not have a heroic bone within >him. SASAMI: Otherwise, he wouldn't even be in this fanfic. > No ... I am not the heroic embodiment of Rick, for I, Tuxedo Shades, >am the *OTAKU* embodiment of Rick! MIKE: You know, the scary thing is, that explains a lot. > >[Big drops of sweat appear on Righteous's and Cape Boy's heads.] MIKE: Drowning them. > >Flying Cape Boy: Live in fear. SASAMI: Of Self-Insertion! > >Tuxedo Shades: Now, my tuxedoed comrades, we must go forth and >eliminate this pink scourge from our world, REI: They're trying to find a cure for pinkeye? ATHENA: They've made amazing advancements in topical cream. YOHKO: South Park reference #1. > lest she attain her own >television show! MIKE: Hey, I'D watch it! > >[Tuxedo Shades leaps off the wall, and, blinded by the fact that he's >wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night, crashes right into another >wall. ALL: MIKE: I like that the S-I characters get hurt a lot. REI: Me too! > He hits it very hard and instantly loses consciousness.] ATHENA: Not that there's a difference. > >Tuxedo Shades: [Looks again up to the sky...] Baka... MIKE: What kind of fool would insult the sky? > > >End of Episode 1, Part 2 of Tuxedo Scouts Vs the Chib > > >[Intro music] >The Tuxedo Project was our last best hope for peace. >It failed. REI: With you guys in charge, that's no surprise. >But in the year of the Sailor Chibi Moon war it became much more. >A symbol with which to make gobs of money through merchandising >..er.. >A sysmbol of hope. > ^ REI: Sysymbol, huh? YOHKO: I guess he's got a stutter. >[Intro music fades out] > >David: [Yells from the KCCC, MIKE: Kentucky Cooked Chicken Corpses. > Kill Chibi Command Centre] Wait! wait! wait! YOHKO: Stop the fanfic! REI: Please... >We can't have spelling mistakes in the opening credits. SASAMI: Even though you'll allow it in the rest of the fic. YOHKO: So, he misspelled a word on purpose? ATHENA: Yup. > Geez it looks like >amateurish subtitling. Bryan do something about this right now. YOHKO: Like going to Edit, choosing Select All, and hitting the delete button. > >[Bryan pulls a black rose out of his jacket and throws it at the >offending s. The letter is knocked out of the word and disintegrates in >a puff of static. He pulls out a thick, mostly used notepad and waves it >around] YOHKO: Mostly used for what? MIKE: Well, that white stuff on it- *SLAP* AAAGH! REI: I warned you. That's your last perverted joke for the day. MIKE: Ow... > >Bryan: Sorry, I was too busy making up a list of spelling mistakes that >appear in various Arctic Animation releases. I'll do better next time. > >[Cue intro music again] >The year is 1996 and the name of the place is Tuxedolon 5. > >[A non-descript dark alley - the kind that Batman would frequent. >Bryan and Dave look down upon the prone body of Tuxedo Shades. YOHKO: Pants him! ATHENA: Steal his wallet, too! > Both shake >their heads in disbelief and mutter Baka. REI: As we have done so many times at this fanfic. > Meanwhile the body of Rick is >dragged off.] MIKE: By hungry rats. ATHENA: Ah, South Park Reference #2. > >[Next day, the Temple. Dave and Bryan sit around pressing huge weights >above their heads. Many anime women including Yokho, YOHKO: HEY!!! MIKE: They misspelled your name, too. > the Dirty Pair, Mai, >Chun-Li, Madoka, Nene and Belldandy and all of the Sailor Senshi REI: HEY!!! > to name >just a few sit on the sidelines and drool. YOHKO & REI: HEY!!!! > In reality the gym is empty. REI: That's better. MIKE: What was the point of naming off all those women, then? SASAMI: Probably to show the author's sick fascination with anime girls... >Dave is the first to speak:] MIKE: I like girls! Heh-heh! > >Dave: How could you have lost Rick's body? > >Bryan: Shut up and pray harder fanboy. YOHKO: They're exercising by praying? MIKE: Cool, they got the Pope's new workout tape. SASAMI: Sweat your sins away! > Anyway, I wasn't the only one there >remember. Anyway now what are we going to do? MIKE: I dunno. What do you wanna do? REI: Leave. > Rick is gone again and >Tuxedo Shades disappeared as soon as the opening scene ended. > >Dave: Yeah, the credits were a little short. I guess that I could try to >conjure up a divination spell. SASAMI: Please tell me what they're talking about. ATHENA: I don't think you're supposed to understand them. > >Bryan: Maybe I should tell Minako about Rick. REI: Actually, that should really cheer her up. > >Dave: Oh no you don't. Any excuse to see her eh? What about Rei? REI: Leave me out of your sick fantasies! > >Bryan: Both are so dear to me that I cannot part with either. You would >call it deceit that I would openly wish to date both? MIKE: Ugh... SASAMI: Mike? Are you okay? > >Dave: No I call it a cheap excuse to quote Kuno. MIKE: REI: Come on! Get a hold of yourself! MIKE: Not only did he rip off someone else's line, but it wasn't even an appropriate line! SASAMI: There, there. It'll be okay. MIKE: *SNIFF* I'll be okay... >Now come on. MIKE: I mean, they even ADMITTED that it was inappropriate... SASAMI: Let it go, Mike. > >[The scene shifts to show Chibi Usa. She sits on a throne with >numerous dark shadows behind her. YOHKO: Her spin doctors. > In the fore ground kneels a figure >with a cape and a sword. His face is hidden by a grotesque breathing mask.] > >Mysterious Caped Figure: What is your bidding my mistress. REI: Make me dinner! > >Chibi Usa: I have a new plan to take over the minds of the people of earth. ATHENA: It involves insurance and credit cards. MIKE: Too late, someone's already done that. >Here are the blueprints. I want you to take charge of this. > >Mysterious Caped Figure: Your will is done, my mistress. ATHENA:
As you requested, all your money shall go to charity. > >[With that the dark figure teleports into the shadows. A smile >plays across the lips of Chibi Usa as she turns and continues her game of >darts with pictures of our heroes.] REI: Is that supposed to make us hate her, or root for her even more than we already are? MIKE: Where can we get some of those? > >[Dave and Bryan sit in front of Dave's computer. The room is >dark, with the only source of light being a fire burning on the >monitor.] SASAMI: They set their computer on FIRE? YOHKO: Another frustrated Windows 98 user. > >Bryan: Dave we've been at this for 3 days... MIKE: I'm starting to get sore... REI: MIKE!!! MIKE: Sorry, it was too good to pass up. Please don't hit me. REI: Hmph! > >Dave: The program takes a while to load okay. I only have a Pentium-Pro >Super-Hyper-Rainbow 666 MHz chip with 2400 meg of ram. MIKE: A nurse walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, there's a man who thinks he's invisible in your waiting room." So the doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him." SASAMI: Huh? MIKE: Never mind... REI: Maybe I should have hit you. > These things take >a little time as all of my 200 megs of super-fast-multistreaming-cache is >being uses down at Macross R&D creating some new computerized idol singer. SASAMI: Why? ATHENA: I think the Macross is capable of doing its own work without having to borrow anything from some fanboy. >There! see? It's almost finished. > >Bryan: Dave, I'm *really bored* ALL: SO ARE WE!!! > >[Fast cut scenes of Bryan playing Ultima I to XXV while Dave reads >manga, Dave playing Wing Commander I to XX while Bryan practices finishing >moves on a titanium Chibi-Usa mannequin, Bryan crushing termites with his >toes while Dave sleeps, Dave sneaking breakfast while Bryan sleeps and >finally Bryan and Dave madly stabbing each other with forks.] SASAMI: This is what these people do in their spare time? REI: They definitely have no lives! ATHENA: Gee, stabbing each other with forks. How fun. > >[The camera shifts to a view of the outside. YOHKO: This is the most exiting shot in the fic so far. > An explosion knocks >out the side of Dave's house. ALL: REI: THAT'S for this fanfic! > Inside Bryan and Dave are smoking.] SASAMI: Are they even old enough to smoke? > >[A day later Bryan and Dave are walking through downtown. Both >are deep in thought REI: Ready? One, two, three! ALL: THAT EXPLAINS THE SMOKE POURING OUT OF THEIR EARS!! SASAMI: Ah, that one never gets old. > trying to come up with a plan to defeat the little >spore and get some breakfast.] > >["Three days to install and the thing crashes when used through Win 95. >Whatta gyp." Bryan is rumoured to have said.] SASAMI: These rumors have yet to be proven, of course. > >Dave: [Looks into the window of a nearby computer store] Hey what's going >on over there? > >[Inside a group of people have gathered around a computer monitor and are >staring into in. SASAMI: Into in?? REI: This story obviously wasn't edited. > As Dave and Bryan peer over their shoulders >they are shocked to see the crowd staring at a Web page. ATHENA: Looks like they did too good a job on that hypnotists homepage. > The Page >appears to be a fan page of Chibi Moon.] REI: Yeah... so? YOHKO: I think we're supposed to find that shocking? > >Dave: [Reading from the monitor] http://aix2.uottawa.ca/~s780453/sm.html* >? - The fiend! To use the gullibility of the online community to further >her goals! MIKE: That's nothing new. SASAMI: Isn't this what the writers are doing? >Are there no depths to which she'll sink. MIKE: Are there no depths to which she'll sink... SASAMI: According to that statement, she'll do no wrong... REI: What have I told you about thinking about the fanfic? > She *MUST* be >stopped. > >[* This page really exists -Ed.] MIKE: I'll have to visit it sometime. > >[A girls voice is heard calling to the crowd. Our heroes turn to >see Chibi Moon, flanked by the mysterious man in the mask, SASAMI: Once again, it's El Zorro! > beckon to the >crowd. As one the crowd move towards her. Chibi Moon selects one person >out of the crowd and starts to bounce her Luna ball.] MIKE: Congragulations! You're the recipient of today's Lucky Luna Ball Bounce! > >Dave: Kirk's Toupee! She intends to use the energy of the crowd to turn >them into mindless slaves. [He looks to Bryan who nods.] SASAMI: As the reader nods off. > >Dave: [Shouts as he thrusts his hand into the air.] ALL: SIEG HEIL!!! > Cape Crystal Power! > >[Bryan pulls a rose out from his jacket and, as it begins to smoke, >surrounds himself with it.] SASAMI: And suffocates. REI: ...Sasami? ATHENA: Wow, you beat us to the punch! SASAMI: Sorry, just had to say one. > >[The camera pans back out to the street. Chibi Moon laughs as the crowd >member in front of her writhes in pain and begins to glow.] ATHENA: Ah, yes. The old 'radioactive materials in the gatorade' trick. > >Chibi Usa: Soon you shall join my army of mindless minions and together we >shall release the Chibi Negaforce. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! REI: I'm sorry I compared the authors' creativity to pocket lint. Pocket lint is much more creative. YOHKO: Not to mention more intelligant. > >[Her laughter is interrupted by music. MIKE: Damn neighbor's playing his boom-box too loud again!! > Looking up they see one >figure standing on top of a nearby lamp post, another standing on top of >an empty slushy cup. SASAMI: It's El Zorro! MIKE: And his stunt double! > The higher one wears an cape with a fedora while the >other sports a cape with really funky headset. YOHKO: In other words, they look like freaks. > The one with the fedora >starts to pose and give a speech but SASAMI: His pants suddenly rip. > the one with the funky headset reminds >him that it is his turn to give the speech.] > >Flying Cape Boy: I bear no enmity to the forces of darkness. But to those >who would toy with the hearts of men YOHKO: Hey, that's my line, you uncreative geek!!! >... well that's just plain bad. YOHKO: So is ripping off someone else's line, you creep!! > In the >name of... of... J. Michael Stracynski I, Capeboy, shall punish you. Oh and >that's Tuxedo Righteous. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Gee thanks...what's with the Stracynski? > >Flying Cape Boy: I panicd okay. SASAMI: In fact, I panicked so much, I forgot to use a Spellchecker. > >Tuxedo Righteous: That's panicked. Remember that spelling mistakes are not >allowed. Unless of course this is a Rifts book. REI: At this point, the fourth wall has been reduced to a speed bump. > >[A black rose flies out of a bright, glowing light and embeds itself in the >ground.] MIKE: Kodachi??? > >Tuxedo Shades: Don't forget about me. MIKE: Damn. > Oops - looks like I'm too >early. Excuse me. [He disappears.] YOHKO: And is never seen again. REI: We hope. > >[Chibi Usa, seeing her latest thrall finish his transformation orders >him >to take out the Tuxedo Scouts SASAMI: And the garbage. REI: I don't think there's a difference. > and turns and starts to run. Capeboy tells >Tuxedo Righteous to heal the thrall and takes off after Chibi Usa and >her >companion.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Yells] Hey just how am I supposed to heal this guy? SASAMI: First, he's going to want to heal himself. > >Flying Cape Boy: Just do what we normally do and beat upside the >head for a >while. REI: Oh, that'll work! ATHENA: The sadism level of this fanfic is disturbing. > That or spontaneously create a new magical attack. YOHKO: Just rip-off someone else's moves like you always do. > >[Tuxedo Righteous jumps to the ground in front of the thrall. The >thrall looks like a human walking computer.] > >Thrall: [screams] MIKE: ABORT, RETRY, FAIL, GODDAMNIT!!! > I'll upload you to hell. Use Microsoft Internet Explorer. >I'll upload.... MIKE: ...Shinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings!!! REI: We're not supposed to know about that! MIKE: Oops! Damn! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Come get some. > ATHENA: This dialogue makes you wonder about the thought process that created them. YOHKO: Or lack thereof. >[The thrall lunges at Righteous who dodges up into the air. REI: Into a lamppost. SASAMI: KLLAAAANNNNG! > While >in the air he cries Tuxedo Flash and, when the light fades, lands on >the ground transformed.] MIKE: Okay, what freak-ass get-up does he have on now?? > >Tuxedo Righteous: I am Tuxedo Bill Gates. ALL: SASAMI: Bill... MIKE: Oh, God! I'm going to pass out again! I know it! ATHENA: Damn, at least that Canoehead thing showed SOME creativity. > >[The crowd suddenly looks scared. REI: At what, we don't know. MIKE: Woozy... I can see Jim Morrison again... > Modem lines shoot from the fingers of the >monster and entangle Tuxedo Gates. They electrify and he screams.] ALL: MIKE: Do you think we've done the 'cheer when the good guys are hurt' bit enough? EVERYONE ELSE: NO! MIKE: Just checking. > >[Capeboy continues to chase Chibi Usa and friend, finally managing >to corner them.] MIKE: This reminds me of the last scene in 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.' I just thought I'd point that out. > >Flying Cape Boy: There's no place to run now. [He adjusts a knob on his >headgear.] YOHKO: Damn reception! > Take your Disintegrate Blast like a good girl. > >Chibi Usa: [Yelling] You'll never defeat me! [She waves her arms and >cries out] ALL: HI!!! > Mindless Horde Accumulate! > >[suddenly Capeboy is surrounded by a small army of mindless thralls. He has >time to swallow heartily before they all jump him.] ALL: > >[Tuxedo Gates meanwhile has managed to break free of the modem >lines. The monster prepares to fire another group but ATHENA: Realizes the company has a policy against mass layoffs. > Tux wins the >initiave:] MIKE: Jim's coming back!!! REI: Just accept the pain, for crying out loud! > >Tuxedo Gates: [Yells] Final Attack: Windows 95 Upgrade Blast! MIKE: I don't think the terms 'Windows 95' and 'upgrade' belong together. > >[A huge beam of windows logos sprays from the end of Gates walking >stick and hits the monster squarely in the chest.] ATHENA: So his final attack is a screen-saver? REI: Ooh, scary! > >Thrall: [Wailing] Arrrrgggghhh. Ram being sucked up. Need more RAM. REI: RAM this!!! SASAMI: Whoa! >ARRRRGGGGHH I'm crashing. [It falls to the ground as a normal person.] ATHENA: Save for the smoldering hole in his chest. > >[Tuxedo Gates changes back to Tuxedo Righteous and he heads off in pursuit >of Capeboy.] > >[A series of punches and kicks greet the camera as Capeboy fights >his way through the crowd.] SASAMI: Why's he beating up the cameraman? > >Flying Cape Boy: [Chants as he slashes away] Rei, ichi, ne, san, shi, go, >roku, shichi... MIKE: What the hell is he doing now? REI: Being annoying. > >[People start to fly in different directions signalling the approach of >Tuxedo Righteous. The two meet and stand back to back.] > >Flying Cape Boy: .. juuroko, juushika .. > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Yelling] What in the blue blazes are you chanting about? > >Flying Cape Boy: I'm keeping my kill count in Japanese. YOHKO: Oh, WE'RE impressed! > It's a style >thing. ATHENA: And you have none. > That and I need to keep practising. > MIKE: Your spelling. REI: So, he's proud that he can count... >Chibi Usa: [Laughing evilly] Now you shall both die! > >[Her companion smiles behind his face mask. MIKE: But we can't tell, because he's wearing the facemask... Aaarg! > She turns her Luna ball into a >video camcorder and hands it to her companion.] > >Chibi Usa: Video tape their deaths for me. I have to go and check my e- >mail. [She leaves. Her companion begins to film.] MIKE: You know, while we're on the subject, I'd like to point out that America's Funniest Home Videos is basically rewarding people for filming their friends and family going through traumatizing events and showing it to the world. ATHENA: That's television for you. > >[Meanwhile Capeboy and Tuxedo Righteous fight off wave after wave >of mindless minions. > >Flying Cape Boy: We need a distraction! ATHENA: Try juggling. > >[As if in answer a black rose flies through the air and lands in the >concrete.] MIKE: Please let it be Kodachi coming to kick their butts this time. > >Tuxedo Shades: [Teasing] Did someone say distraction? MIKE: Damn it all!!! > >Flying Cape Boy: Wow how convenient. I totally did not see that one >coming. Now Tuxedo Righteous will leap in, transform, say something >inspiring to turn the battle around and disappear before we can thank him. ALL: SHUT UP!!! > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Muttering] Sure! Ruin it for the audience at home why >don't you. REI: What audience?? > >[Tuxedo Righteous nods and jumps into the air yelling Tuxedo >Flash. He lands holding a small ring which he puts on his left hand and >raises the fist into the air. ALL: POWER TO THE PEOPLE!! > Lightning bolts hit the ring from four >sides for what seems like an eternity. ATHENA: He is electrocuted and dies. > Filled with the Olympian might of >ten ordinary men Tuxedo Righteous picks up and tosses Capeboy at the >masked figure. REI: He's beating up on his partner now. Not that I'm complaining... > Capeboy lands feet first and knocks the masked figure >over. The figure looks like he is going to say something YOHKO: That would have to be cencored. > but Tuxedo >Shades lands on him as well.] > >Flying Cape Boy: Now we shall pummel you into unconsciousness. ATHENA: He'll be killed to death! > >[He and Tuxedo Shades begin to mercilessly kick the poor villain as he is >down. YOHKO: Ah, yes, truly a pair of admirable men. > The villains face mask is kicked off and Capeboy and Tuxedo >Shades cannot help but stare.] SASAMI: These are some pretty rude people. > >Tuxedo Shades: It's Rick! SASAMI: James? ATHENA: Moranis? MIKE: Springfield? > >Flying Cape Boy: Haven't we done this before? SASAMI: In the sense that none of this is origional? Yes. > >Rick: I am no longer Rick. I am now Prince Rick, Champion of the >Chibiverse. REI: Actually, I'd say they've got the creativity level of shoe polish. YOHKO: And the intelligance. > >[Prince Rick uses the dramatic pause to slam his fist into the >ground yelling Power Geyser. A large fountain of energy explodes >upwards knocking Capeboy and Shades to the ground ALL: REI: When the S-I characters get hurt, who wins? YOHKO: The readers, that's who. > along with most of the >army of mindless thralls fighting Tuxedo Righteous. The Tuxedo Scouts try >in vain to throw roses at Prince Rick when they recover but ATHENA: Their arms were blown off. > he teleports >away.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: Hey! Get back here and fight us fair and square. MIKE: These fights scenes have all the coherency of a head trauma unit of a hospital. > >Tuxedo Shades: You have done well today but you must be ever >vigilant. Chibi Usa has not yet shown all of her true power and you must >prepare for that day. ATHENA: Stock up on shotguns and canned food. > But most importantly you must rescue Rick because >it is just the kind of distraction that needs to be done to allow Chibi >usa to gather up all of her might. YOHKO: What the hell does that mean? SASAMI: A proofreader would have helped this story. > [That and we need to make the story >longer to get it into syndication .] ALL: NOOOOOO!!! > And I need to merge with my body again. >Look my battle aura is beginning to look frayed. Farewell. REI: Piss off!! SASAMI: Rei ...Oh, forget it! > >[Tuxedo Shades jumps away leaving Righteous and Capeboy pondering >his words. YOHKO: What, you mean they couldn't understand it, either?? > With their leader gone the thralls fall to the ground.] ATHENA: That took a while. Their leader left a while ago. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Now what? > >Flying Cape Boy: I dunno. Wanna come back to my place and watch Tenchi? SASAMI: NO!! YOHKO: I thought the writers said that evil people shouldn't watch Tenchi. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Okay. But what about Rick? MIKE: Starring Bill Murray. > >Flying Cape Boy: Well he is evil now so he can't come. > >[Pointless but funny Interlude] REI: So far, the entire story has been pointless. ATHENA: True, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it's funny. > >[The camera pans in on the Dave's House. Inside four figures are >huddled around the television. MIKE: They're trying their hardest to get a look up Ally McBeal's skirt. REI: Hey... Actually, I wouldn't put that past these guys. > One of the four is dressed in a dark cape >and wearing a sword and a grotesque breathing mask. One of the figures >leans over and whispers to the another one.] REI: Get off my foot! > >Dave: Hey Bryan are you sure that it was a good idea to invite Prince Rick, >Champion of the Chibiverse and Tuxedo Shades? > >Bryan: I thought you invited them. SASAMI: Can we please fast forward this?? MIKE: God, I wish we could. > >Prince Rick: Shut up the both of you...Washuu is talking. SASAMI: Washu Definitely isn't someone you want to interrupt. ATHENA: When Washu talks, people listen. > >Tuxedo Shades: Come Prince Rick, merge back with me. Please. > MIKE: REI: No, Mike, that's not what he meant. MIKE: Man, am I that transparent? >Prince Rick: How many times do I gotta tell you NO! TO merge with me you >must defeat me in mortal combat. ATHENA: But then he'll be dead. MIKE: So, he'll merge with a corpse... Oh, hello, Mr. Morisson... YOHKO: Jeez, not again. REI: I don't think he's going to survive this. > >Tuxedo Shades: Okay I've got the game for the Genesis. Let's go. > >Prince Rick: That's not what I meant! > >Dave and Bryan: Both of you shut up! > REI: Our sentiments exactly! MIKE: Yeah... ow, my head. SASAMI: At least you're not out for long. >[Peace is restored and the four watch Tenchi. Then a small fight >erupts between Tuxedo Shades and Prince Rick when Tuxedo Shades starts to >butt his head into Prince Ricks in a vain effort to merge with him. ATHENA: Is this supposed to be funny or really sad? I can't tell anymore. SASAMI: I don't think the writers can, either. >Prince Rick retaliates and both start rolling around in front of the >TV (in a typical anime fight scene) SASAMI: Rolling around? YOHKO: Sounds more like a love scene than a fight scene. REI: THAT'S what this story needs to be more insulting! MIKE: I think I'm going to vomit. >Dave , his tolerance level exceeded, ATHENA: And ours having been exceeded a LONG time ago. YOHKO: Ugh, tell me about it. >blows up MIKE: He's become a victim of sponanious human combustion! ALL: > and tosses the both of them out of his house while Bryan chants >from the side "Go Dave."] REI: To hell!!! > >[The two offenders tossed out, Dave and Bryan return to watching Tenchi.] > >[Preview for Next week's episode] > >[Next day at Bryan's house:] > >[After watching 7 hours of Tenchi SASAMI: I hope it doesn't cause him to write a fanfic. > Bryan leans back and looks >dreamily at the Fist of the North Star poster on his wall. (You know the >one - Ken covered in gore from head to foot while punching some flunky. - >Ed)] MIKE: Nope, can't says I've ever seen that one. ATHENA: Why is he looking dreamily at it? YOHKO: Hey, it's a lifestyle he's chosen for himself. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Y'know I must have been off yesterday. I only got 47 of >the Chib's flunkies. YOHKO: Chibi-Usa must have hired those silver-suited guys from Escape 2000. > >Flying Cape Boy: Think of it this way: It keeps the population down. MIKE: I think Ted Bundy said the exact same thing. > Me, >I only nabbed 34. I think one or two of mine may walk again though. SASAMI: I don't think it's funny that they're mauling innocent people. REI: Just another reason to hate them. > >Tuxedo Righteous: I wonder what the Chib is going to try today? > >[Cut to Chibi Usa and Prince Rick. They are travelling over >mountainous terrain with the Chib on Rick's shoulders. ATHENA: I'm starting to get Willow flashbacks... > Prince Rick >is carrying a large, bulging backpack.] YOHKO: Full of steroids. > >Prince Rick: Are we there yet Queen Usa? MIKE: Queen USA! Captain America's wife! REI: Huh?? MIKE: Damn this fic, it's starting to affect me! > >Chibi Usa: No, not yet. > >[They travel over the mountain and descend into a jungle. MIKE: Never get off the goddamn boat. Absolutely goddamn right! > In it the >travel for many days fending off wild animals and hostile natives.] MIKE: Hell, this IS starting to look like 'Apocalypse Now.' YOHKO: I guess the S-I characters are playing Kurtz. REI: If that's true, I can't wait to see the end! > >Prince Rick: Are we there yet Queen Usa? > >Chibi Usa: No, not for a little while yet. > >[The jungle thins out to a river. Prince Rick swims across with >Queen Usa on his shoulders. After fending off alligators, blood sucking >bats, pirannah and a persistent pack of anime fanboys YOHKO: All seeking vengeance for this fic. > they reach the >other side. ATHENA: Break on through! > For days on end they continue to trek through the jungle.] > >Prince Rick: Is it much farther Queen Usa? > >Chibi Usa: YES IT IS!! Now shut up before I turn you into a worm. > REI: Quit your whining, or I'll turn this fanfic right around! >[Finally the jungle opens up on a rice flat. Queen Usa bubbles >with evil pride, A-hahahahahaha we've finally made it. SASAMI: Why is the narrator saying that? REI: The narrator is evil. > Prince Rick >sighs heavily and collapses.] > >[A short, portly man wearing a faded uniform walks over to the Chib.] ATHENA: She has arrived at boot camp. > >Portly Man: [In a cheery voice] Welcome to Jushenkyo Springs. ALL: YYRRRRRRGH!!! > > >End of Episode One of Tuxedo Scouts Vs the Chib ATHENA: Thank God that's over with! REI: This has to be one of the worst fics I've ever read, and I've had to read many. MIKE: Ooog... SASAMI: C'mon, let's get out of here before we pass out. YOHKO: Or vomit... (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone.) The crew exited the theatre, Yohko shaking her head in disbelief, and Michael clutching his stomach in pain. "That,' Mike said, "has got to be one of the worst fics I've ever read." Sasami nodded in agreement. "I can't even begin to describe what was wrong with it." The ship was suddenly and violently rocked about. "What the hell was that?" Athena called out. "It feels like we hit something," Rei replied. "Or something his us." Mike, not wasting a second, jumped up and pointed at the camera. "Cambot! Give me Rocket #9!" Outside, a small spaceship was continuing to bump against the SOB. It was red, nearly flat, and octagonal in shape. "Hey, I think they're trying to contact us!" Sasami said. The hexfield view-screen suddenly opened up, revealing a man in crossing-guard garbs. "Okay, nobody panic!" he said, waving a small stop sign around. "I'll take care of everything!" Everyone's faces lit up with hope. "You mean," Yohko said, "You've come to get us out of here???" The crossing guard stared at her, obviously confused. "What do you mean? I got a report about terrible traffic up here." Rei sighed. "No! It's terrible FANFIC, not traffic!" The crossing guard dropped his signed and groaned in disappointment. "I see. Sorry to have wasted your time. Bye." "Hey, wait!" Sasami yelled. "Can you get us down from here??" The crossing guard laughed. "Oh, no no no!!! I can't give rides to nobody, it's against regulations!" With a press of a button, the view-screen quickly shut. "Hey, wait!" Athena yelled. "Too late," Mike replied, utterly dejected. "He's gone." Everyone sighed and groaned in despair. "It looks," Rei said, "Like we're going to be here for a while." Mike picked up the Psycho-analyst-In-A-Wallet and turned it on. "Good thing we have this. What do you think, sirs?" Forrester smiled smugly, pleased that his new test subjects had reacted so badly to the latest experiment. "That's right, my little guinea pigs, you're stuck up there for a LONG time! A very, very long time!" He laughed sinisterly. "Push the button, Frank!" His order was met with Frank's sobbing. "Puppy..." he whimpered. "Frank!" Forrester yelled, "You never even HAD a puppy!" Frank stopped sobbing for a second, but then resumed, even louder than before. Forrester threw his arms up in defeat and pushed the button himself. *}-----FWOOSH-----{* As the credits rolled, Frank could still be heard sobbing. Rei Hino created by Naoko Takeuchi Yohko Mano created by Masao Moruyoma Sasami created by Hitoshi Okuda Athena Asamiya created by SNK Michael O'Hare created by Timothy and Carlota O'Hare Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank, and the whole concept of MST3K created by Best Brains This fanfic is owned by the 'writers,' as are the S-I characters The MiSTing of this fanfic is owned by Michael O'Hare Special Thanks to: Tim McLees, for accepting my weird-ass crap. Jamie Jeans, for the pointers. Michael Surbrook, for the additional pointers. All other MiSTers out there. My cats, for goring my hand so many times. Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, for overthrowing Batista. Erwin Rommel, just because I like pointing out historical figures The authors of the first amendment. Keep circulating the tapes STINGER: >Dave: [Reading from the monitor] http://aix2.uottawa.ca/~s780453/sm.html* >? - The fiend! To use the gullibility of the online community to further >her goals! Are there no depths to which she'll sink. She *MUST* be >stopped. > >[* This page really exists -Ed.] _*_ Whew, that was a tough part one! E-mails are encouraged, be they C&C or otherwise. If you want to, please do so at... r-peseck@tc.cac.edu.eg ...until March 21st. After that, E-mail me at... m-ohare@tc.cac.edu.eg Until June 10th. After that, I don't know where the hell you can find me! Just don't cuss, because the government monitors my computer and... aw, to hell with it. Cuss your butt off! See if they care! And to the authors, get some help, guys. Preferably into a strait jacket...