============================================================= TUXEDO SCOUTS, CHAPTER TWO MiSTed by Michael O'Hare, the official Ernesto 'Che' Guevara look-alike of SVAM ============================================================= -*- Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000, Show 102, Reel One... In a not so distant future, Somewhere in Deep 13, Dr. Forrestor and TV's Frank, Were forming a wicked scheme. They found an otaku named Mike O'Hare. The oddest guy you could find anywhere. Their experiment needed a good test case, So they whacked him on the head and then they shot him into space. ("I THOUGHT you two looked familiaaaaaaarr!!!") We'll send him cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find. (La La La!) He'll have to sit and read them all, He'll lose the rest of his mind. (La La La!) Now keep in mind Mike can't control how long the fanfics last, (La La La!) He's trying to save his sanity with the help of the magical girl cast. (cast character roll call!) Yohko! ("108 generations!") Sasami! ("I cook all the time!") Athena! ("Yattah!") REEEEEEEEEEIIIIII! ("I sense something evil!") Now you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts. (La La La!) Just repeat to yourself "I'm not up there, I should really just relax." For Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000! (Guitar Twang.) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone) All was quiet of the Satellite of Bacon (SOB) as Devil Hunter Yohko Mano and Sailor Senshi Rei Hino sat quietly reading. Athena Asamiya and Sasami stepped in. "Uh, guys," Athena said in a worried tone, "We're starting to get worried about Mike." "Why's that?" Yohko asked. "Well..." Sasami said. Before she could reply, Michael O'Hare came bounding on to the bridge, dressed exactly like the Blue Meany (complete with that disturbing 'Like mother, like son' shirt!), and proceeded to dance in front of the shocked magical girls. After about ten seconds of this, he bounded back off camera. "This is bad," Rei said, "REAL bad! We'll be right back." {MGFT3K Planet logo} {And now a word from our sponsor.} (The wild WWF music we all have come to know and love starts playing, as the familiar fireworks start going off.) This Thursday, it's POLITICAL WWF EXTREME!!! Watch as your favorite WWF superstars grapple with America's most prominent political figures. Al Snow and Head will square off against Janet Reno, and Senator Jesse Helms must try to avoid a Brood Bloodbath! PLUS, will Reverend Jerry Falwell survive his encounter with Val Venis, or will he have a Heart Attack at hearing Val just talk??? And will Pat Buccanon be the victim of Goldust's Shattered Dreams?? And in the main event, Bob "B-1 Bob" Dornan against Stone Cold Steve Austin in a steel cage!! POLITICAL WWF!!! ATTITUDE!!! {We're back!} As Rei Hino, as Sailor Mars, proceeded to burn the 'Like mother, like son' shirt Michael O'Hare had been wearing, Sasami walked onto the bridge. "Uuuuh, Rei," she said, "He's doing it again." Rei sighed. "Well, someone else handle it. I don't want to see him prancing around in that get-up again." "Actually," Sasami replied. She was interrupted when the lights died down and the Brood's music started playing. A ring of fire sprouted around the dog-bone door, which opened to show Michael O'Hare, Yohko Mano, and Athena Asamiya dressed like the Brood, Mike holding a goblet and Athena doing a very good job of impersonating Edge's sinister smile. As they stepped onto the bridge and the music continued playing, Mike took a deep sip of the goblet. "Spit it and die!" Rei said, and Mike suddenly swallowed the goblet's contents, some of the red liquid spilling onto his shirt. "For crying out loud, Mike," Rei said, "What's wrong with you??" "Please don't start imitating Val Venis!" Sasami pleaded. Just then, the mad's lights suddenly began to blink. "Great, now Public Enemy's calling." Yohko replied. "Yo-Ho, my little inkblots,' Forrester said smugly. Behind him, Frank was placing a small box with a red button on top of it on the floor. "Ready for today's invention exchange?" "Ready!" the SOB's bridge replied. "Good!" Forrester replied. "Now," he continued, "anyone who paid attention during history class might remember the refreshing evil of the communist witch hunts of the 50's. Well, now you can recreate the fun and laughter at home with your own Communist Witch-Hunt Kit! Push the button, Frank." "We done already?" Frank said. "No, the button on that box, you boob!" Forrester yelled back. After frank pressed the button, two tables laden with microphones and tiny American flags popped out of the box. "Now, Frank, if you'll just take a seat on the red chair, we can start." Frank quickly sat down, and Forrester sat in the much larger table in front of him. "Now," Forrester said, "ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, A MEMBER OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY?" "No," Frank replied casually. "LIAR!!!" Forrester yelled. "WHY MUST YOU TURN THIS LAB INTO A HOUSE OF LIES!! YOU'RE A COMMIE!!! YOU RED BASTARD!!!" As Forrester yelled, Frank cringed more and more. "This dandy little item comes with it's own, ready-to-fill-in black list. Now, Miss Hino, about your RED Senshi uniform..." "Shut up," Rei replied. "Anyway, our invention is based on the inconvenience and vagueness of thermometers." "Sure, thermometers can tell you what your temperature is," Yohko continued, "but they never elaborate. Which is why we've invented the OMNI-THERMOMETER." Mike pulled a seemingly normal electronic thermometer from his pocket and displayed it before the camera. "Not only does it tell you if your sick or not," Athena said, "But it tells you of what, AND if your suffering from any emotional or mental problems." Mike quickly inserted the thermometer into Sasami's ear and pressed the button. "SUBJECT IS CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM NO PHYSICAL AILMENTS, BUT IS FEELING A SENSE OF DREAD, POSSIBLY DUE TO AN UPCOMING EVENT." Sasami nodded. "That's true." "Batteries ARE included!" Rei said. "Disgusting!" Forrester replied, as Frank continued cringing. "But maybe if you made it RECTAL... AHEM! Anyway, your fic for today is part two of Tuxedo Scouts, and It'll make a communist witch hunt look like a picnic! Send them the movie, commie!" As Frank stood up to press the button, Forrester yelled at him. "STAY DOWN, COMMIE!!!" Frank immediately shot back down into the seat, and Forrester pressed the button himself. Meanwhile, Mike had used the Omni-thermometer on himself. "SUBJECT HAS JUST CONSUMED HUMAN BLOOD." "Wait a minute!" Rei said, "You mean that's REAL blood in that thing???" The sirens and klaxons suddenly went off. "WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" (Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...) MIKE: I just wanted to make it as realistic as possible. REI: Yeah, but REAL blood. MIKE: I wasn't intending to swallow it! Besides, It tastes pretty good. SASAMI: Stop, you're going to make me shudder. REI: Save the shuddering for the fanfic. >Tuxedo Scouts Chapter 2 SASAMI: Permission to shudder! ATHENA: Permission granted! ALL: > > Passenger Chibi 7 SASAMI: If someone starts comparing Chibi-Usa to Arsenio Hall, I'm leaving! > > Writing: David Kelk, Bryan Lee Editing: David Kelk, Bryan Lee YOHKO: Of course, they're using the term 'writing' and 'editing' very, very loosely. > >[Intro music] > >The Tuxedo Project was our last best hope for peace. REI: Not that that says much. MIKE: Well, I see that the creativity level of the writers is still at zero. >It failed. ALL: Aaaawww... >But in the year of the Sailor Chibi Moon war it became much more. >A symbol with which to make gobs of money through spinoffs, merchandising >and hopefully movies REI: Okay, I know that what he's saying is next to impossible, but I have to ask, who the HELL would buy Tuxedo Scout merchandise?? SASAMI: OR watch a movie about them?? MIKE: Personally, I have more faith in the human race than to think they would. >..er.. MIKE: Now, there's something you don't ever want to see in a narration. >A Symbol of Hope. > YOHKO: What about it? ATHENA: A symbol of hope? That we won't have to read this fanfic? >[Intro Ends] > MIKE: Oh, so we can go now... SASAMI: Not so fast, we've still got like fifty or so pages to go. MIKE: Crap! >Characters: > YOHKO: There are no characters in this story, only victims. >Sailor Chibi Moon/ Chibi Usa: Source of all evil in the universe. REI: Translation: Daughter of Sailor Moon, and the focus of the writers' sick, irrational hatred. >Prince Rick: Mindless thrall of Chibi Moon who used to be good. SASAMI: Translation: Human punching bag, who serves no purpose in this story other than to get beaten senseless by the other avatars. >Tuxedo Shades: Disembodied essence of Prince Rick who is good. ATHENA: Translation: Shameless rip-off of the first half of the Sailor Moon R anime. >Capeboy/ Dave: One of the valiant Tuxedo Scouts battling the evil Chibi YOHKO: Translation: One of the sources of our pain. >Tuxedo Righteous/Bryan: The other valiant Tuxedo scout battling the evil > Chibi. REI: Translation: Ego bloated avatar with no creativity, and no useful powers to speak of. >Jushenkyo Guide: Cheap attempt to use a guest star to increase ratings. SASAMI: Translation: A sterling example of how uncreative the author is. >Sailor Fluffy/Jen: Someone to wear a short skirt as the rest of us can't. MIKE: Translation: ...At least not in public. YOHKO: Good one. > >Episode 2, Part 1 > >[Dave and Bryan laze around in the Temple of Positive Pain.] ATHENA: And just what the hell does that mean? REI: I don't know, but it's getting me ticked off! Again! > >Dave: How could you have lost Rick's body? > >Bryan: We already did that bit last episode. SASAMI: So, now they're ripping themselves off? YOHKO: Is that even possible?? > >Dave: Oh right. Now what? > >Bryan: We have to wait and see what the little spore was doing in >Jushenkyo. ALL: Jushenkyo??? > Wait a minute. ATHENA: This fanfic sucks! > Why don't we go to Jushenkyo and fight her >there. SASAMI: And it took you HOW long to realize you could do this? > >Dave: What great super hero logic. Let's go. YOHKO: To hell. > >Bryan: Maybe I should call Rei and Mina. > REI: For the last time, LEAVE US OUT OF YOUR SICK FANTASIES!!! >Dave: You tried that two episodes ago. Any excuse eh? We don't have time. >We must go now. MIKE: We must keep making pointless comments and annoying the hell out of the few readers we have left. > >Bryan: [sigh] You're right. Hey there's Mai! > >Dave: [Looks around wildly] Where? where? YOHKO: Is he talking about Mai Shiranui? MIKE: If so, Marta's going to kick this guy's ass. YOHKO: Oh, good. > >[Dave falls over as Bryan bolts for the door.] > ATHENA: And this accomplishes what? REI: Unfortunately, the door was closed. SASAMI: BASH!!! >[The camera focuses in on three figures standing by a series of >springs.] > >Guide: Here Sirs we come to training ground of Cursed springs, Jushenkyo. SASAMI: Yes, here cursed springs are trained to their peak performances. ATHENA: What the hell is 'Jushenkyo'? MIKE: A constant reminder that you should always proofread your fanfics even after spellchecking. > >Prince Rick: What are we doing here Queen Usa? > >Chibi Usa: One of these springs in the Spring of Drowned Chibi Usa. SASAMI: Spring of drowned... CHIBI-USA?? REI: How the HELL does that work??? ATHENA: Is it possible for the logic factor in fanfics to go to ZERO?? YOHKO: This one just did! MIKE: Jim Morrison's coming back!!! AAAGH!!! > We'll >use the water to turn everyone in Old-Neo-Tokyo into my followers. BWAHAHAHA. REI: Actually, it'll turn them all into pissed off Chibi-Usa lookalikes who can't take cold showers. > >Prince Rick: Wow what a thoroughly evil plan. I suppose that no one can >stop us. > >Chibi Usa: That's right. Now guide take us to the spring. > >Guide: Oh you very strange one no? These springs cursed. I no allowed to >show to peoples anymore. To many fall in. MIKE: 'To many fall in'? YOHKO: I think he meant 'TOO many fall in.' > >[Chibi Usa glances at Prince Rick who grabs the guide by the neck >and holds him over a spring.] > >Chibi Usa: Now what would happen if Prince Rick dropped you into this one? REI: Nothing. This just normal puddle, stupid! > >Guide: Oooh very bad. This one spring of Drowned Girl. There very tragic >story... ALL: Blah, blah, blah! > >[The guide is interrupted as Prince Rick takes him over to another >spring. The pattern continues until REI: The guide pulls out a pistol and blows Rick's tiny brain out. MIKE: So, what's on RAW. > the Spring of Drowned Chibi is >found. The guide tossed aside, Prince Rick begins to fill up buckets >with the water.] YOHKO: And where did these buckets come from? MIKE: His head. > >[Two lone figures emerge upon a beach in China.] MIKE: Ah, it's the director's cut of "Jaws." REI: Hey, we killed the shark! ATHENA: I know, we're still cleaning him off our windows! > >Bryan: Why did we have to swim from all the way from Neo-Tokyo? REI: Because the author seems to be chronically ripping off Ranma 1/2. > >Dave: You're the one who spent all of our money on organically grown Roses. >We couldn't afford plane tickets. SASAMI: Are roses that expensive? ATHENA: Well, as a matter of fact, no. > >Bryan: Hey we have to get them from somewhere. But let's rest here a >moment before we move on. > >[Meanwhile at the temple a nubile young woman reads over a note >posted on the front gate: REI: No Trespassers. > "Gone to China to battle the source of all evil. >Back in 10 minutes."] MIKE: Now, according to the character list-up at the beginning, I'm guessing that this is that Jen or Sailor Fluffy person, or whatever. REI: Either that, or a pissed-off anime woman hunting them down. > >[Dave and Bryan arrive at Jushenkyo.] SASAMI: The twisted alternate-dimension version of Jusenkyo. > >Guide: Ooh sirs. More people come to Jushenkyo this time of year. Why >they want to do that? MIKE: Because it's closer to the highways than Jusenkyo is. > >Bryan: Where's that spring of drowned girl? Think of the jokes we could >play. SASAMI: Oh, SICK! REI: I did NOT want to think of that! MIKE: If nobody minds, I think I'm going to throw up now. > >Dave: Sorry, THAT sthick is owned by another company. We blew our budget >on costumes and special effects not lawyers remember. REI: Hey, that reminds me, there wasn't one of those 'these characters are owned by' things at the beginning of this fic! SASAMI: Then that means... ALL: THEY CAN BE SUED BY THE MAKERS OF THE ANIMES THEY'RE USING!!! MIKE: There is hope!!! > >Guide: Very bad you play with spring. There very tragic story.. > >Dave: Enough already! SASAMI: With the fanfic! YOHKO: Please! > Did you see a little girl about yay tall and a >sinister looking dude in a grotesque breathing mask and cape? ALL: No! > >Guide: Yes. They take water from spring of Drowned Chibi and leave. > >Dave and Bryan: SPRING OF DROWNED CHIBI!! ATHENA: What, is there an echo in here? > >Guide: There very tragic story about... REI: ...Innocent Kawaii anime character who become victim of senseless fanfic. > >Bryan: This is bad. Very bad. ATHENA: What, the fanfic? YOHKO: I Couldn't agree with them more. > The spore could use that water to turn >others into mockeries like her. YOHKO: I think it would be very fitting if she were to dump it on these two clowns. REI: Poetic justice... I like that. > >Dave: [Not really listening to Bryan but typing into his ever present >computer] SASAMI: He ripped off Washu! REI: And Ami! > She could turn 3/4 of Old-Neo-Tokyo. But how would she deliver it? ATHENA: Fed Ex. > >Jen: By Plane of Course. YOHKO: Whoa! Where the hell did she come from?? > >Bryan and Dave: Huh? How's you get here so fast? YOHKO: Oh, great, even the WRITERS don't know where she came from! > >Jen: I just walked between the sets. > >[Dave and Bryan suddenly notice for the first time that the Temple set is >right beside the Jushenkyo set.] MIKE: The hell?? REI: It's not so much a fourth wall as it is a fourth BRICK at this point. > >Bryan and Dave: [Simultaneously clap hands to foreheads] YOHKO: which makes a hollow sound. > D'OH! > >[Jen smiles and rocks back and forth on her toes. ATHENA: She loses her balance, falls into spring of drowned cobra, bites the other two avatars, kills them, and is beaten to death by the Guide. The end. MIKE: So, what's on RAW? > She flashes a quick grin >and wrinkles her nose at the guide who immediately starts to stare at her.] YOHKO: In pity, as we all are. > >Jen: Another one who has fallen victim to my indescribable charms. >She signs then shrugs. SASAMI: She signs? YOHKO: This fanfic is sign-languaged for the hearing impaired. MIKE: Yeah, I'VE got a sign right here for you, missy... > Oh well. > >Dave: Charm? SASAMI: In THIS fanfic?? > >[Bryan snickers and rolls his eyes.] REI: Into the back of his head and passes out. > >Guide: Why you wrinkle nose? You need hanky? MIKE: Hooooooowwwdy-ho! > >[Jen, completely ignoring the guide, tosses her hair over here shoulder SASAMI: She's wearing a wig? ATHENA: Murry's wigs never come off! >and assumes the I'm-the-only-one-who-knows-what-to-do-here pose.] MIKE: Created and patented by Asuka Langely. > >Jen: We have to get to the airport fast! > REI: I suppose nobody else would have thought of that... >[Dave, Jen and Bryan leave the Jushenkyo set and head for the airport.] > >Guide: But I no finish my tragic story. Aw to hell with 'em. ATHENA: Our thoughts exactly! > >[The guide takes a nearby caterpillar and drops it into a spring. >A small black pig crawls out. The guide takes the pig and heads for home >dreaming about Sweet and Sour pork.] SASAMI: But, when he tries to cook it, it'll turn back into a caterpillar! ATHENA: Fried caterpillar chunks. Yuck! > > > Dramatic End of Episode 2, Part 1 > > > Will Chibi Usa get away with her nefarious plan? > What are Jen's special powers? MIKE: The power to annoy the reader with pointless remarks. > How does Prince Rick eat in his grotesque mask? SASAMI: I'm guessing he doesn't need to. > Will the Guide ever finish one of his tragic stories? > Will Bryan ever get to talk to Mina or Rei? REI: NO!!! > > Stay Tuned SASAMI: Not like we have a choice. > > Episode 2, Part 2 coming soon. YOHKO: Commercial time? REI: Commercial time, indeed. (After these messages, we'll be riiiiight back!) Usagi Tsukino, TV's Sailor Moon, approaches the camera, a beautiful city nightscape behind her. Not surprisingly, tears are streaming down her eyes. "People think that fanfiction is harmless," she sobs, "and they're usually right. But... if we're not careful, fanfiction could spawn avatars." The amount tears flowing from her eyes increases even more. "Oh sure, I know what you're thinking! 'Avatars are harmless! What can they do?'" Usagi then bursts into tears and points into the sky. "Well, thanks to avatars, one of my friends is stuck in orbit!!!" As Usagi continues to wail, Artemis limps into the camera's shot, a pained look on his face. "And don't forget what happened to ME!" FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WRITE AVATAR-SELF-INSERTION! (And nooooooow, back to our show!) > > REI: Wow, how touching. MIKE: I thought you two always fought. REI: Well, yeah, but we're still friends. > > Tuxedos versus the Chib Episode 2, Part 2 > > Things get worse! SASAMI: The fanfic continues. > >[We now join our heroes as they ponder how to get to the airport >from the training ground of cursed springs in Jushenkyo.] MIKE: Well, I'm presuming Chibi-Usa WALKED to the airport, so I guess you three can do the same! > >Dave: We have no choice. We must employ the Light Gate Generator. > >Bryan and Jen: [Gasp] Not the Light Gate Generator! MIKE: Yes, the... Light Gate Generator. REI: Light Gate Generator... SASAMI: Yup... > >Jen: Say what is the Light Gate Generator any ways? YOHKO: Something that generates Light Gates. Duh! > >Bryan: Dave stole the design for the Light Gate Generator From a woman >named Gina Diggers. ATHENA: Which means that she's going to sue your butt off. > >Dave: Hey she gave me that design willingly. Well, mostly willingly. MIKE: After I threatened to put her in this fanfic. > >Bryan: You stole it and you know it. The system is not too friendly to >the travellers stomach so we don't use it often. YOHKO: It has the nasty habit of tearing the user's stomach out. ALL: Use it! Use it! Use it! > >Dave: Yeah, like transporters, the Sonic Screwdriver from Dr. Who or >Glitch from Reboot the Light Gate Generator is one of those devices that >the editors use to solve problems when they write themselves into a corner. MIKE: You did that a LONG time ago. >We don't use it very often 'cause it lowers ratings. ATHENA: At this point, your ratings are in the negatives, so you shouldn't worry about it. > But we must use it >now if we are to stop the wicked Chibi Usa. > >[Dave pulls out a small device resembling a TV remote control and YOHKO: Turns off the fanfic. >starts to play with the buttons on it. A bright light appears nearby and REI: Disintigrates them. The end. MIKE: So, what's on RAW? SASAMI: You can only borrow that riff so many times, you know. >Dave beckons everyone into it. Not knowing any better Jen goes first. ATHENA: So, you're saying she's stupid? YOHKO: She's in this fanfic, isn't she? >Bryan and Dave argue about who goes second but Bryan loses the coin toss >and goes next. Dave takes one last look around, almost as if he was >looking at the world for the last time, and steps into the portal.] MIKE: Oh, please, please, PLEASE tell me they die! > >Dave: Out through shot and shell.... SASAMI: Whatever. > >[Chibi Usa and Prince Rick are very much out of place at the >airport. For some reason a small mockery of Sailor Moon SASAMI: Would you stop calling her that!! > and a tall guy >wearing a grotesque breathing mask and a cape do not quite blend in. MIKE: Not unless the plane's going to Las Vegas. > Not >that anyone is going to complain.] > ATHENA: Since they really don't give a rat's ass! >Prince Rick: The device that will carry the spring water underneath the >air plane has been secured. YOHKO: And how the hell did they get that past airport security?? ATHENA: They asked nicely? > With a touch of this remote control we can >release the water and douse the city. > >Chibi Usa: [rubbing her hands together in an evil fashion] REI: And because the airport's heater is on the fritz. YOHKO: Damned Valu-Jet Airlines! > It is all >proceeding as I have foreseen. SASAMI: Except for the lay-over. > >[A commotion off to one side catches their attention. MIKE: Oh, no! Hari Krishnas! > A light >appears 3 metres off of the floor and solidifies into a stable Light Gate >Portal. ATHENA: Which crashes to the floor and shatters, forever sealing our heroes inside. MIKE: So, what's on... uh... National Geographic. No, it doesn't work as well. > Three figures are unceremoniously dumped out of it.] > >Bryan: Oooooo I feel sick. MIKE: So do I. I should have known better than to eat before reading this. REI: The fact that you drank blood before reading this probably didn't help, either. > I hate using that thing. > >Jen: Never again do you hear me. Never again. Hey isn't that Rick over >there? > >Dave : See the Light Gate worked. ATHENA: Except for the fact that I've lost all of my commas. [Thrusts hand up into the air] MIKE: Now he's a Nazi?? YOHKO: No surprise there. > Tuxedo >Crisis Transformation! > >[When Dave's transformation is complete he stands before all in a >rhinestone encrusted Tuxedo. REI: Now he's an Elvis impersonator. MIKE: Wow, an Elvis impersonating Nazi! ATHENA: Next on Jerry Springer! >Bryan and Jen break out laughing. SASAMI: And the readers break out crying. > Dave >gives them a look that could wipe out a small city and then demands that >they follow and prepare for battle.] REI: They refuse. > >Jen: [Pulls out a small, gem encrusted portable hair drier and waves it in >an oval above her head.] YOHKO: Which sets off the sprinkler system and electrocutes her. The end. MIKE: So, what's on RAW? > Fluffy Crystal Power! > >[Bryan reaches into his jacket and pulls out a paint brush. Realizing what >he has done he smacks his head and MIKE: Gives himself a concussion. > vows never to forget to bring a rose >again.] SASAMI: Didn't he just say that they spent a small fortune on them? YOHKO: You spend a small fortune on something you need, and you forget to bring it. Brilliant. > >[The transformed Jen and Dave look at Bryan annoyed, SASAMI: Oh, she transformed? MIKE: At one point, she must've... Hell, ya got me! > shrug and then go to >face off against Chibi Usa and Prince Rick.] > >Capeboy: [Appears standing in front of a generic backdrop.] SASAMI: A white backdrop? > Your reign of >evil ends this day. I am Capeboy. > >Jen: [Runs in holding the hair dryer as a gun] I am Sailor Fluffy. REI: ...And I have no dignity whatsoever. I invite you to laugh at me. ALL: > >Capeboy: Together we are Wyld Stallyns! [Air guitar]. MIKE: Do you think he's on medication?. REI: If not, he needs it. > Oops I mean...in >the name of..er..damn..um..Fred Perry we shall punish you! > >Sailor Fluffy: Fred Perry?! > >Capeboy: Sorry I paniced again. MIKE: You also spelled 'Panicked' wrong again. Not that I'm nitpicking, mind you... > Well I got the gist of it across. YOHKO: I hate to tell you this, but you didn't. We still have no idea what the hell is going on. > It >doesn't matter now so stop staring at me like that. Let's just go and beat >up on the bad peoples. ATHENA: Your English teacher weeps for you. > >Bryan: I know that the phrase to transform starts with an R word. SASAMI: Retard? REI: Rancid? > >Capeboy: [Pulls a big, evil looking gun out of nowhere] ATHENA: We hope. MIKE: Let me just whip this out... > Now evil ones >Taste thorny vengeance! And stop laughing! > >[Chibi Usa and Prince Rick who were both laughing themselves silly >at Capeboy's Elvis-like appearance REI: Maybe he should try to choose an alter-ego that helps him retain some dignity. > look up in time to see a stream of >roses flying towards them. Prince Rick jumps in front of Chibi Usa and ATHENA: Is instantly killed. >uses his cape to stop them. Capeboy quickly empties his magazine of roses >and Sailor Fluffy hands him another one. Bryan meanwhile finally >remembers the words.] REI: To the Teletubbies song. > >Bryan: Righteous Crusade Configuration! > >[Chibi Usa realizing that they are outnumbered starts to bounce >her Luna ball.] > >Chibi Usa: Kitty Magic. Bring me reinforcements fast! YOHKO: GIVE ME AIR SUPPORT! > >[The Luna ball turns into a giant gate and a stream of Chibi Usa >fans start pouring out. SASAMI: And, as we all know Chibi-Usa fans are all evil! REI: The workings of a loser otaku are truly sad. > They quickly outnumber our heroes and begin to >move menacingly towards them. Tuxedo Righteous joins our heroes.] ATHENA: To die. MIKE: Please? > >Capeboy: Sailor Fluffy can you do something about those mindless minions? ALL: No! > >Sailor Fluffy: [Pulling out a crescent shaped wand] Well I could probably >use this. MIKE: Her vib-*SLAP* AAGH!!! REI: I am so SICK of that joke! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Hey that is the Crescent Moon Wand! MIKE: Wow, you're a genius! REI: Can't they think up ANYTHING original?? > Sailor Moon is >supposed to have that. Where did you get it from? MIKE: You can make your own Crescent Moon Wand at home, kids! All you need is a magnifying glass handle, a banana, a large marble, and a sick, loser fanboy mind! > >Sailor Fluffy: Well she wasn't using it so I borrowed it. 'Sides it goes >with a couple of my outfits. ATHENA: And I'm an uncreative feeb. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Great! My teammates are Kleptomaniacs! > >Capeboy: Okay Sailor Fluffy will stop the mindless horde. Tuxedo Righteous >will handle Prince Rick. And I'll take out the spore. YOHKO: And I'll try to learn how to use commas. > >[The three heroes split up to attend to their tasks. On the sidelines >another caped figure sits eating a bag of popcorn.] > >Innocent Civilian: MIKE: As opposed to a guilty civilian. : Hey mister. Shouldn't you be out there helping them? REI: No, because that would be actually DOING SOMETHING, AND IF THEY HAVEN'T DONE SQUAT IN THIS STORY SO FAR, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I START NOW?!?!?!? SASAMI: You okay? REI: Yeah, I feel better now. > >Tuxedo Shades: Naw. I gotta wait until it is dramatically appropriate. > >[Prince Rick tries to block Capeboy but Tuxedo Righteous stops >him. They face off while Capeboy chases Chibi Usa.] MIKE: I shall resist the urge to make a sick joke. REI: Good. MIKE: Thank you... HE'S A PEDOPHILE! REI: Mike!!! MIKE: Sorry, I thought I could control myself. > >Capeboy: Get back here you spore! > >[Capeboy fires a burst of roses towards Chibi Usa. She easily >dodges the burst and the roses manage to pin several innocents to nearby >walls. ATHENA: Nice job, moron. > Capeboy curses and charges up his funky rhinestone studded >headgear.] SASAMI: Which explodes, blasting his head apart. REI: Good thing his brain's in his butt. > >[Tuxedo Righteous stares down Prince Rick.] > >Prince Rick: [Assumes a fighting stance] SASAMI: And tears his pants. MIKE: That joke's never going to run dry in this fanfic. > Now you shall pay for interfering >with our plans. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Mano-a-Mano eh?. Tuxedo Flash! REI: Manos! YOHKO: The... hand of fate. REI: Yup. > >[In a burst of light Tuxedo Righteous's tuxedo becomes a martial >arts uniform. SASAMI: Okay, what wierd alter-ego is he now? MIKE: I'm guessing Tuxedo Ranma or something like that. > Close-Quarters-Combat-Tuxedo-Righteous readies himself. MIKE: Oh. Well, that really isn't any better. > >[If you think that this is an attempt to produce many different action >figures from one character you are right. YOHKO: If you also think this fanfic is a disturbing peer into a sick mind, you are right again. > But may I remind you of all of >the Batman toy variants. SASAMI: Yeah, but Batman is likeable, not like you. >We're allowed to be greedy too.] ATHENA: You're apparently allowed to be stupid, too. > >[Prince Rick leaps up into the air . Yelling Phoenix Arrow! ATHENA: Hey... HEY!!! SASAMI: Uh-oh! ATHENA: YOU RIPPED OFF MY MOVE, YOU JERK!!! he >rolls himself into a ball and launches himself at Tuxedo Righteous. >Righteous, having a horrible King of the Fighters '95 flashback, ATHENA: MIKE: Hey, I LIKED KOF! ATHENA: I'm IN KOF!!! > cannot >parry the attack fast enough. SASAMI: Because he's got the reflexes of a slab of cement. ATHENA: The ball that is Prince Rick hits >Righteous five times, lands and then kicks him into a nearby wall. >Tuxedo Righteous responds with a mighty ouch.] REI: And we respond with a mighty cheer! ALL (Except for Athena): ATHENA: If I ever get my hands on him, so help me... > >Large, glowing yellow bars appear above Righteous and prince Rick. YOHKO: With a large, glowing yellow barkeep serving large, glowing yellow beers to large, glowing yellow patrons, with large, glowing yellow bouncers getting large, glowing yellow sober cabs for large, glowing yellow drunks before they vomit large, glowing yellow... SASAMI: Okay, we get the point. >After getting hit Righteous's bar decreases and turns partly red: > >* = yellow x = red > >Righteous : ****************xxxx >Prince Rick: ******************** ] MIKE: And that means... ? SASAMI: I think it's supposed to be one of those health-bar thingies they have in fighting games. ATHENA: You know, it's amazing how something that looks totally natural in a video game can look so stupid in writing. > >[The mindless horde surrounds Sailor Fluffy. SASAMI: And kills her. The end. MIKE: So, what's on RAW? SASAMI: That's the last time you can use that. > She attempts to use >her charm and looks to stun them all but MIKE: It only makes them want to grope her to death. REI: Senshi Fighting Rule #23: Never try to charm a zombie. > like it does on Dave it backfires >and they surge forward pawing the air while screaming "Pretty Lady!" YOHKO: They're all Jerry Lewis impersonators! MIKE: Oh, I was right. > Fluffy >has no choice but to start punching and kicking them all into >unconsciousness.] > >[With a Capeboy Paralysis Blast!, Capeboy fires off another >beam of paralysis energy at Chibi Usa. He misses however, Chibi Usa is >really squirmy, REI: And he's got really crappy aim. > and manages to freeze some more innocents. REI: Really, REALLY crappy aim. ATHENA: Again, nice job, moron. > Capeboy >undaunted prepares to fire another blast as he chases Chibi Usa around a >corner. Chibi Usa stops and starts to bounce her Luna ball.] > >Chibi Usa: Kitty Magic! Wavemotion Bazooka! MIKE: You know, I think we may have stated this before, in one way or another, but it needs saying again. Chibi-Usa doing something like this is so WRONG. > >[Bazooka in hand she fires at Capeboy.] YOHKO: And blows his legs off. > >[Sailor Fluffy having finally achieved some breathing room sets >about with the task of healing these poor misguided individuals. SASAMI: Whom she just beat up. >Waving the Crescent Moon wand to warm it up, she starts swinging.] REI: However, since she isn't Sailor Moon, the wand doesn't work for her. In fact, it pulls itself free of her grasp and knocks her out. > >Sailor Fluffy: [Standing in front of the oh-so-familiar backdrop while >waving the wand] Fluffy Healing Escalation! > >Tuxedo Righteous: [peeling himself out of the wall] Hey I wasn't ready! >Try that again. YOHKO: Who's he again? MIKE: I don't know. I'm totally lost, here. > >[Prince Rick yells Eat Flame! and launches a ground hugging fire >ball towards Tuxedo Righteous.] YOHKO: Oh, the action. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Ha some attack. I can easily side step your fire ball >and take no damage. I know auto dodge! > >Prince Rick: [A big smile playing across his lips] It is as you have >taught me. > >[Tuxedo Righteous has time to say Huh?! before he realizes his >mistake. REI: I only wish he'd realize what a mistake this fanfic is. >Prince Rick runs forward screaming Shinne!* delivers an elbow ALL: THE CORPORATE ELBOW! >and slams Tuxedo Righteous into the ground and explodes the area with flames.] > >[* shinne is Japanese for die! - Ed] REI: Oh, thank you for that wonderful piece of language education! > >[Again the bar over Righteous's head changes: > >Righteous : ******xxxxxxxxxxxxxx >Prince Rick: ******************** ] MIKE: Who's the good guy, again? REI: I don't know, but I've lost track completely. ATHENA: Same here. YOHKO: Yup. SASAMI: Ditto. MIKE: Something must've happened. ATHENA: It did, the jerk ripped off my move! > >Prince Rick: Boom! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Ooouch. YOHKO: Great dialogue, huh? MIKE: It's on par with the dialogue from The Skydivers. > >[Prince Rick picks up the stunned Tuxedo Righteous.] > >Prince Rick: And now to finish you off. SASAMI: Stone Cold Stunner! REI: Rock Bottom! MIKE: Snow Plow! ATHENA: X-Factor! YOHKO: Sable Bomb! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Oh no. Not that! MIKE: Not the Comfy Chair!! > >[Prince Rick delivers an uppercut that strikes MIKE: That's it?? REI: We were expecting something a little more spectacular. > Tuxedo Righteous >into the air. Prince Rick then leaps up, yells Power Dive! and punches >Righteous into an undamaged section of the floor. ATHENA: Oh, good, he hit him into an undamaged section. I was worried that he would get hit into a section that already damaged. MIKE: Yeah, Lord knows airports aren't damaged enough already. > Suffice to say when >the dust settles Tuxedo Righteous is flush with the floor and muttering >ouch. REI: What the hell does he mean when he says flush?? SASAMI: Someone should flush this fanfic. > Prince Rick laughs, says Okay! and rushes off to join Chibi >Usa. > >Righteous : xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx >Prince Rick: ******************** ] MIKE: Thank you, we've had enough of this little graph. > >[Capeboy manages to avoid the blasts from the bazooka but every >bit of cover he finds disappears in the next instance. ATHENA: This is like the first part of Radar Men from the Moon, only not as good. > Finally sick of >all of the dodging he keys into his headgear IDDQD.] REI: Unfortunately for him, Chibi-Usa is able to blow him away while he's busy doing this. > >Capeboy: Ha-HAHAHAHAHA you little spore. I am now invulnerable! Do your >worst! > >[As Capeboy said the next blast which hits him squarely does >nothing. Chibi Usa curses and starts to bounce her bazooka.] > >Capeboy: [looking confused] MIKE: As usual. > Huh? What are you.. YOHKO: I'm an innocent anime character, and I don't want to be in this fanfic anymore! > >Chibi Usa: Kitty Magic. I want some Input Jacks. > >Capeboy: Input Jacks? ATHENA: Yeah, that's what she said. What, are you deaf or something? > >[The bazooka transforms into a small keypad with two long cables. >The cables launch themselves at Capeboy and attach themselves to either >side of his headgear.] > >Capeboy: [Big sweat drip] Uh oh... > >Chibi Usa: Reboot REI: Maybe this fanfic was written while the author was under the influence of a narcotic. MIKE: That would explain a lot. > >[Sparks fly across Capeboy's headgear and begin to work their way >down his uniform.] REI: Oh, good! SASAMI: Well, so much for being invulnerable. > >[Sailor Fluffy is slowly being taken down by the shear number of >mindless ones. ATHENA: These mindless ones are taking a damn long time to kill her. SASAMI: She's being attacked by sheep shearers? MIKE: God, I hope not! > She looks irritatedly at the Crescent Moon Wand in her >hands.] > >Sailor Fluffy: Come on you! Work! Do something! REI: Why should it??? It's not yours!! > >[Prince Rick arrives on the scene to aid Chibi Usa. He watches >contentedly as the Reboot command continues to tear Capeboy apart. ALL: > A >black rose severs the two cables and imbeds itself in the floor. ALL: > Heroic >music plays and Tuxedo Shades makes his entrance.] YOHKO: Oh, GOOD, he'll get the story running along. > >Tuxedo Shades: Capeboy. You must ignore the pain. Only then can you hope >todefeat Chibi Usa. SASAMI: How about HELPING him? > >[Prince Rick leaps to Tuxedo Shades' side. He grabs a frayed edge >of Shades battle aura and starts to run away. Tuxedo Shades begins to >twirl at a high rate until his battle aura is completely unwound and >falls to the floor in a pile of loose thread.] ATHENA: And the point of this was what? MIKE: Senseless actions... making head hurt... Jim Morrison appearing before me yet again... REI: I can't blame him, but this is starting to get annoying. > >Chibi Usa: They have delayed us long enough. Come we must go and catch our >plane. MIKE: I'm sorry, but your flight has been cancelled. On top of that, we've lost your luggage, charged you for an extra flight, and stolen your liver while you were asleep. Please accept our apologies. REI: Speaking from personal experience? MIKE: Everything except the liver part. > >Prince Rick: But what of Sailor Fluffy? > >Chibi Usa: We'll have plenty of time to finish her off. > >[The last of the mindless minions falls at Fluffy's feet, battered >and bruised. REI: You were supposed to help them, weren't you? MIKE: Tough love. > Fluffy, breathing heavy, grips the dented Crescent Moon >wand tighter and looks for more prey.] SASAMI: Oh, no, she's lost it! YOHKO: I think she lost it a LONG time ago. > >Sailor Fluffy: [Assumes a Ramboesqe like pose] This pretty face wants more >meat! > >Capeboy: [Carrying a pile of loose threads, looking at the horde of downed >minions] Wow. You did all of this? REI: <100% Pure Sarcasm> No, it was Dennis Leary! Who do you think did it, you dope!?! > Hey wait a minute. Did you hit them >all over the head with the Wand? > >Sailor Fluffy: I couldn't get the stupid thing to work so I improvised. >What is that you're carrying? ATHENA: The script. > >Capeboy: This is what is left of Tuxedo Shades. MIKE: What, did he stick him in the wood-chipper? YOHKO: THAT I'd pay to see. MIKE: Me too! > Prince Rick unravelled >him. REI: So, he's a sweater? SASAMI: When did this happen? MIKE: It didn't. Nothing ever happened. Ever. >He may be out of action for a while. ATHENA: Good. > >[As if to mock the valiant efforts of Sailor Fluffy, the bottom of >the Crescent Moon Wand opens and YOHKO: Explodes, killing her instantly. > two used batteries fall out. Upon seeing >that the batteries were cheap no name brand and not Duracells SASAMI: Shameless product placement. REI: More like pointless product placement. > Sailor >Fluffy and Capeboy grimace.] > >[They head over to where Tuxedo Righteous lies.] > >Capeboy: [Looks at the glowing bars] ATHENA: Are those things still in this story? > Tsk! Tsk! Silly boy - he got a >flawless victory on you. MIKE: He's got things from about twenty different fighting games in here. > >Sailor Fluffy: Tuxedo Righteous! Say something! ALL: SOMETHING! ATHENA: That was wide open, wasn't it? > >Tuxedo Righteous: Rubber baby buggy bumpers.... > >Capeboy: Give me a hand and let's pull him out of there. REI: Why not just leave him there? > >[Tuxedo Righteous is pulled out of the hole by Capeboy and Sailor >Fluffy. YOHKO: Doesn't that mean that they helped him kick a drug habit? > They support him between them and look towards the status >board. The flight to Old-Neo-Tokyo has already departed. Sailor Fluffy >exclaims Oh no! We're too late! MIKE: Does anyone remember The Creeping Terror? SASAMI: Bradford looked at the status board and realized that the creature was actually a giant rug. This creature is nothing but a giant rug!, he said. >and ends up dropping her end of >Righteous who falls to the ground, taking Capeboy with him.] ATHENA: If I go down, I'm taking you with me! > > End of Episode 2, Part 2 > > Will the evil Spore succeed in her plan to turn Old-Neo-Tokyo >into copies of herself? ALL: Yes. > Is there a loom that can be used to put Tuxedo Shades back >together again? ALL: No. > Will Sailor Fluffy ever get new batteries for the Crescent Moon Wand? ALL: No. > Will Capeboy ever get rid of that stupid Elvis suit? ALL: We pray he will. > > Stay tuned... SASAMI: Again, against our will. > > Episode 2, Part 3 coming Soon. > MIKE: Can we go now?? > > Episode 2, Part 3 MIKE: CRAP!!! > > Passenger Chibi-7 > >[Teaser: Three heroes. REI: And a baby. >Three villains. REI: And a little lady. > A deadly cargo. A showdown >25,000 feet above the ground. ATHENA: Pointless sentence fragments. > Heads will roll. An old enemy makes a >return. The fate of all that is good in Old-Neo-Tokyo is at stake.] REI: I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if we have to depend on the Tuxedo Scouts, then we're all dead. > > >[On the plane travelling to Old-Neo-Tokyo a little girl relaxes while >her companion wearing full body armour, a cape and a grotesque mask squirms >under the weight of a giant crystal. The crystal is huge, clear and >contains a person trapped inside. It all looks very odd to the rest of >the people sitting in the section.] MIKE: So, they're obviously not sitting in coach. REI: Another personal experience? MIKE: I can tell you horror stories of air travel you wouldn't believe. > >Prince Rick: What is this thing? > >Chibi Usa: It's a coffee table knick knack that I picked up at the Duty >Free store. It is called a Jaedite crystal. REI: Oh, that jerk. I remember him... > >Jaedite: [Thinking to himself] Somebody help me... > >Prince Rick: Couldn't you have gotten something a little smaller? > >Chibi Usa: Hey I have a big coffee table. Any ways let me tell you about >my plan. SASAMI: What plan? ATHENA: There's a plan?? > >Prince Rick: But I already know about the plan. YOHKO: Wait a minute, are they insinuating towards an actual PLOT?? > >Chibi Usa: You may but the people that are reading this fanfic may not. ATHENA: At this point, the fourth wall no longer exists. REI: And I doubt anyone's gotten this far in this fanfic, anyway. SASAMI: Not willingly, anyway. >Any ways I have attached a device to the bottom of this plane that >contains water from the Jushenkyo Cursed Spring of Drowned Chibi. When >we get closer to Old-Neo-Tokyo I shall take over the minds of the pilots >and divert our course over the main portion of the city. MIKE: Why don't you take over their minds now, and save yourself the trouble? > There I shall >use this remote control to trigger the device and drop tons of cursed >water onto the peons below. YOHKO: When did we switch to Warcraft? > They shall all become like me. BWAHAHAHAHA. > >Prince Rick: That is such an insidious plan that ...um ...I can't read the >cue card can you hold it up some more ...thanks REI: Hmmmm, it says, "Bite me, you no talent hack!"... HEY! >...cannot fail. Not even >the Tuxedo Scouts can us ..I mean stop us. > >[Both characters laugh hideously as the screen darkens.] REI: When the screen lights back up, we discover that Prince Rick has become the victim of a bloodbath. > >[Back at the airport our three heroes stand watching the plane >carrying Chibi Usa, Prince Rick and their deadly cargo. SASAMI: Well, they've failed. Story's over. > Flying Cape Boy >looks as though he is about to say something but MIKE: He forgets. >the hideous laughter >from the last scene drowns him out. REI: Good. > Looking annoyed he waits until the >laughter stops.] > >Flying Cape Boy: We must stop that plane somehow. We could always shoot it >down. SASAMI: But then they would kill everyone! ATHENA: That would be keeping in with their characters so far. > I think that my Gatling Rose Cannon can hit it. MIKE: Call me a cynic, but I have trouble believing that your roses could halt a plane. > >Sailor Fluffy: But we can't let all of those innocent people die. > >Flying Cape Boy: Your right. Sometimes I just hate being a good guy. > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Finally regaining coherent thought] YOHKO: Presuming he had some to begin with. > We have to get >aboard that plane and disarm the device. > >Flying Cape Boy and Sailor Fluffy: Why? REI: I can't believe this. Why the hell are they asking? > >Tuxedo Righteous: Well it is the right thing to do. MIKE: Killing yourselves is the right thing to do. ALL: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! > That way we can stop >Chibi Usa from dousing the city, prevent the mass deaths of hundreds of >thousands of people and beat up the bad guys. Besides, it is important to >the plot. YOHKO: My God, they ARE insinuating that there is a plot! > >Flying Cape Boy: [After punching data into his ever present notebook >computer] We must use the Light Gate Generator. ATHENA: Again. > >Righteous and Fluffy: NOOOO! Not the Light Gate Generator! SASAMI: If they hate it that much, maybe they should try getting something else. > Let's just >blow up the plane. > >[Flying Cape Boy drags both of them outside, REI: And blows their heads off. > slightly embarrassed >at their constant pleading and begging.] > >Cape Boy: Okay computer. Lock holographic sight onto my left eye. Target >aircraft. Calculate trajectory and Earth space coordinates. Download >into the Light Gate control remote. ATHENA: Continue with senseless technobabble. > >Sailor Fluffy: Wouldn't it be easier to just walk over to the air plane set? > >Tuxedo Righteous: We can't keep doing that. It's not realistic. SASAMI: I miss the fourth wall, don't you? > >[Cape Boy presses a series of commands on the remote and the Light >Gate is formed. The three step into the gate and REI: Are instantly disintegrated. The end. > disappear.] > >[A stewardess is preparing drinks when she hears a crash come from >the washroom behind her. MIKE: Looks like one of the male passengers hit the ATR button again. > Fearing the worst she opens the door. Inside >are our hereos jumbled up in a pile where the Light Gate unceremoniously >dumped them. YOHKO: It dumped them on the toilet. REI: How fitting. > They excuse themselves and take some of the empty seats.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: Now all we have to do is find the mockery and the >mindless one. SASAMI: Why don't you start looking NOW? ATHENA: You're on a plane, it can't be THAT hard. > >[An hour into the flight the stewardess starts to hand out the >drinks. She approaches the little girl and her companion.] > >Stewardess: Would you like anything to drink Sir? How about you little girl? ALL: BOOZE! > >Chibi Usa: [Giving a knowing glance at Prince Rick] ATHENA: Wink wink, nudge nudge. > I want to use you as a >vessel for my dark powers. > >Stewardess: [Laughing politely] You're a cute girl. Now milk or pop? > >[Chibi-usa transforms her Luna ball into a hair dryer while Prince >Rick pulls out some shampoo. They both jump the stewardess. Prince Rick >uses the special herbal shampoo ($4.99 at most drug stores in China) and >starts to press certain points on her skull. REI: And, as this is happening, nobody, including the heroes of this crappy fic, are doing anything. > Chibi Usa finishes drying >the stewardess' hair and the stewardess falls to the ground screaming in >terror and glowing.] MIKE: In other news, the distributors of Pert have issued a mass recall of several million bottles of their shampoo that somehow got planted with radioactive materials. > >Cape Boy: What are they doing to that Stewardess? SASAMI: Ah, they finally noticed something was happening. > Hey that's Chibi Usa and >Prince Rick! REI: Wow, nothing gets by him. > >[After enduring great hardships in the process of their investigation our >heroes finally find their foes. A rose is thrown and lands in the isle. REI: That's it? It just lands in the isle? SASAMI: That basically means that anyone could have thrown it. >Prince Rick and Chibi Usa look up to find our three heroes striking >dramatic poses in front of generic Sailor Moon sets while the theme music >(anything by Simon and Garfunkle) plays. ] ATHENA: Simon and Garfunkle?? REI: I can't think of a more inappropriate music. MIKE: Teletubbies? REI: Don't even joke about that! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Stop what you are doing you bad little girl! YOHKO: Oh, yeah. That'll stop her dead in her tracks. > We can >tolerate your evil no longer. In the name of all that is Righteous... REI: You have nothing to do with that which is righteous. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you are evil personified. > >Sailor Fluffy: um...in the name of all that is fluffy. MIKE: I am DEFINITELY NOT going to make a perverted joke here! EVERYONE ELSE: YOU'D BETTER NOT!!! > >Cape Boy: In the name of..of. Duke Nukem. YOHKO: Who would kick your ass if he knew you were using his name. > >Tuxedo Righteous: You both need to practice! SASAMI: In writing? MIKE: No, they ALL need practice on that. > Ahem. We shall punish you! > >Prince Rick: Come get some. SASAMI: Dinner's ready! > >Tuxedo Righteous: I shall deal with Prince Rick. Sailor Fluffy can handle >Chibi Usa. Cape Boy look for the device and disarm it. > >Cape Boy: But how will we get past Prince Rick who is even now trying to >stop us? ATHENA: I SAID I'd deal with him! Why don't you ever pay attention to me?!? > >[Tuxedo Righteous yells Tuxedo Flash and when the light dies >down he is holding a can of spinach. REI: The HELL?? MIKE: God, I hate Popeye! That's EXACTLY what this story needed! > Popping the can he quickly devours >the green vegetable. SASAMI: So, there's only one sprout of spinach in the can. > Filled with great strength he picks up Cape Boy and >Sailor Fluffy and throws them past Prince Rick. YOHKO: Now he's beating up his own teammates again. ATHENA: Stuff just happens in this story, there's no continuity. > Cape Boy activates his multi function visor and begins to scan >for the device but is interrupted by Chibi Usa. ATHENA: Who snaps his neck. > She orders the >Stewardess, now a slave of the Chibiverse, SASAMI: Not to give them any complimentary peanuts. > to attack both Fluffy and Cape >Boy. Capeboy fires his Heavy Rose Repeating cannon but cannot connect >with her. REI: You're aiming it in the wrong direction, you dolt! > Fluffy pulls out a tiara and an instruction book and begins to >read up on how to use it.] MIKE: And where does she pull them out from? I don't remember seeing any pockets on the Senshis' uniforms. REI: Don't go there. > >Stewardess: [In a voice very much like Satan's] Please return to your >seats... I'll suck your soul!! MIKE: Sounds like one of the stewardesses on my flight. REI: Just what airline did you use? MIKE: And by the way, it's 'I'll SWALLOW your soul!" Get it right. > >Capeboy: Sailor Fluffy don't you know how to use that thing? MIKE: I will NOT make a perverted comment here, either. > >Sailor Fluffy: I borrowed it from Sailor Moon not too long ago and >haven't had time to practice. > >[Meanwhile ATHENA: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables head for a speakeasy in Berwin. > the Sailor scouts are battling the latest Negaverse >threat. MIKE: Kenneth Starr's back! > Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter set up the Nega slave du jour >and call out to Sailor Moon to finish her off. ATHENA: Sailor Moon declines. > Sailor Moon reaches for >her forehead and realizing that her tiara ins't there begins to cry and >whine while the rest of the cast look down in disgust.] REI: Damn Avatars! SASAMI: Well, since Sailor Chibi-Moon's come into being, it's pretty obvious that she's got OTHER means of destroying the monster. > >[Back on the plane the forces of evil are finding themselves hard >pressed. Chibi Usa realizing that her plan may be in danger of failing >runs to the cockpit of the plane. MIKE: While this is going on, I'd like to point out that those in-flight magazines are the biggest waste of paper in the world. ATHENA: Unless someone's tried printing this fanfic. REI: Mike, take a boat next time, okay? > She uses her dark powers to take over >the minds of the pilots. The plane begins to change course to fly over >downtown Neo-Tokyo.] ATHENA: Well, it got there pretty damn fast, didn't it? SASAMI: I guess it was flying over uptown Neo-Tokyo before. > >[Cape Boy continues to dodge the stewardess' attacks while Fluffy >continues to read. Cape Boy decides not to wait on Sailor Fluffy SASAMI: Since he's not a waiter. > and >yells Cape Boy Cheap-Venus-Lovely-Chain-Imitation Entangle! MIKE: URK! REI: Not again. He can't keep missing the fanfic like this. > and an off >colour version MIKE: Of Gone With the Wind! REI: Would you please stop passing out? MIKE: I can't help it. > of the Venus Lovely Chain shoots forth from his funky >headgear. YOHKO: Ripping his head off in the process. > The stewardess is wrapped up and falls to the floor helpless. >Cape Boy quickly starts scanning for the device.] SASAMI: What device? ATHENA: I think it's the one on the bottom of the plane? SASAMI: Oh... Wait a minute! I thought they already knew where it was! YOHKO: And even if they didn't, where else would it be? > >[Prince Rick covers his eyes from the bright flash of Righteous' >Tuxedo Flash. When Prince Rick can see again Tuxedo Righteous is covered >in shiny armour.] MIKE: And can no longer move. > >Tuxedo Righteous: [Bowing slightly] YOHKO: Tipping over and falling. > Fully Armoured Tuxedo Righteous at >your service. SASAMI: Let's put refrigerator magnets on him. > >Prince Rick: This is going to be another variation for the action figures >isn't it? MIKE: You can see the writers' heads expanding from here. > Well no matter. I suppose your armour is proof against my King >of Fighters attacks. ATHENA: I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!! REI: Get in line. > >[Prince Rick pulls out a small cylinder. SASAMI: What's a thermos going to do? MIKE: It keeps the hot side hot, and the cold side cold! WORSHIP ME!!! > When a small stud is >pressed and glowing red blade appears. Tuxedo Righteous looks >unimpressed.] YOHKO: As we have through this entire story. > >Tuxedo Righteous: So a light sabre duel eh? SASAMI: NOOOOO!!! DON'T FOREVER SOIL THE NAME OF STAR WARS BY INCLUDING IT IN THIS FANFIC!!! > Tuxedo Righteous Beam Sabre >Ignite! YOHKO: I predict that when the Star Wars prequel comes out, Val Venis shall make a sexual comment about lightsabers. MIKE: Just grab a hold of my lightsaber, and I'll show you the power of my force! SASAMI: Oh, yuck! > >[A small ball of energy forms in the palm of Tuxedo Righteous. >When he closes his fist around the ball it becomes an energy blade.] MIKE: Hmmm... ripping off Star Wars AND Iczer 3 in one swoop. I'd be impressed if I wasn't so DISGUSTED!! > >Prince Rick: You should not have come back you righteous fool. REI: We agree. > the circle >is now complete. YOHKO: If anyone starts singing that damn Lion King song, they're dead! > Before I was but the student. Now I am the master. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Only a master of Evil Rick. > >[The two charge towards each other and engage in a furious melee. YOHKO: This airplane must have huge aisles. >The battle is only broken up when Cape Boy appears. He's found >the location of the device and has only to get to it.] > >Cape Boy: Excuse me. I'd like to get passed. MIKE: Well, I'd have to eat you first... REI: Mike!! MIKE: You hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? REI: MIKE!!! MIKE: Okay, I'll stop. > >Tuxedo Righteous and Prince Rick: >...... > >Sailor Fluffy: Hurry Capeboy! We're already over the city! > >[Cape boy walks through the fight ATHENA: And is decapitated. and opens a nearby hatch to the outside. ATHENA: He is sucked out and falls to his doom. >He leaps outside intent on disarming the insidious doomsday device. ATHENA: He misses and is sucked into the jet engine. > Using >his computer headgear he generates electro-magnetic pads for his hands and >feet. ATHENA: Although his hands and feet stay attached to the plane, the rest of him tears free and plummets to the ground. SASAMI: Enough already! ATHENA: Hey, I'm relieving my stress. YOHKO: Yeah, but you're taking all the good riffs. > Slowly he makes his way along the outside of the plane towards the > device.] > >[Inside the plane the melee continues.] > >Tuxedo Righteous: Now we end this. [Pointing out the open door] ATHENA: Let's take this outside! You go first! REI: I wouldn't be surprised if that worked on either of them. > Hey what >is Mina doing outside on the wing? MIKE: There's a Shenshi on the wing of the plane!! > >Prince Rick: [Totally fooled] Mina! Where? SASAMI: Is Prince Rick the good guy or the bad guy? I've lost track again. ATHENA: It makes things easier if you just see everyone as a bad guy. > >[As Prince Rick sticks his head out the door YOHKO: A passing flock of geese lop it off. > Tuxedo righteous >sneaks up behind him and yells Burn Knuckle! and punches Prince >Rick out of the plane. Prince Rick falls.] ALL: DUH!!! ATHENA: Well, gravity still works. That's good. > >Sailor Fluffy: My Gawd! You've killed Prince Rick. ALL: GOOD!!! > >Tuxedo Righteous: Naw. He's a major villain. They always survive near >death trauma. All I've done is merely inconvenienced him. MIKE: 'Till he hits the ground and dies. > Now let's go YOHKO: To HELL!!! > >and deal with Chibi Usa. > >[Outside the plane Cape Boy spies the device and makes his way >towards it. YOHKO: Suddenly, he is torn off the plane by the aforementioned flock of geese. > Once his has attached himself to it he begins to work to >disarm the device.] SASAMI: It's not a bomb. ATHENA: Then what the hell is it? MIKE: A giant thermos? > >[Inside the plane Tuxedo Righteous and Sailor Fluffy face the evil >Chibi Usa.] > >Chibi Usa: [Brandishing the remote] REI: Well, I'VE got the remote, and I say we're watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer! > You can't beat me. With one push of >this button you all lose. BWAHAHAHAHA ALL: PUSH IT, PUSH IT, PUSH IT... > >[As Righteous and Fluffy try to act ATHENA: But, along with being really crappy writers, they are really crappy actors. >Chibi Usa presses the button. MIKE: Push the button, Chibi-Usa. >Outside the plane Cape Boy looks on in horror as tons of cursed water >fall from the device. YOHKO: Which he was attached to... SASAMI: Shouldn't he be dead, in that case? > There is only one thing that he can do now. REI: Jump to his death? > He >leaps after the falling water. REI: Hey, I was right! >Chibi Usa uses the traditional few seconds to make her escape, >teleporting to safety.] SASAMI: Can Chibi-Usa teleport by herself? REI: Nope. > >Tuxedo Righteous: Sailor Fluffy we have to bring this plane down in one >piece. Can you heal the pilots? ALL: No. > >Sailor Fluffy: [Twisting the small bunny tail on her costume into the >Crescent Moon Wand] SASAMI: Since when did she have a bunny tail on her suit? ATHENA: They just add powers to themselves whenever it's appropriate. > Sure thing. Stand back and let me work. > >[Meanwhile as Prince Rick falls.] > >Prince Rick: This sucks. YOHKO: The fanfic? We couldn't agree with you more. > >[With a 'bonk' Prince Rick collides with a nearby skyscraper.] SASAMI: And dies, right? > >Prince Rick: [his memory returning] What have I done? I am no longer evil >and must stop Chibi Usa! > >'Bonk' > >Prince Rick: [His memory gone again] I must do more evil to appease my >mistress. > >'Bonk' > >Prince Rick: I remember who I am again. MIKE: I am Jo-Jo, the idiot circus boy! > >'Bonk' > >Prince Rick: I am evil again! > ATHENA: And it just continues like that for a while, you get the idea. MIKE: Just what the hell is he hitting? >[Evil Prince Rick remains as he hits the ground and creates a >large crater.] SASAMI: And dies, right? > >[Cape Boy follows the falling stream of water.] > >Cape Boy: There is only one chance! ATHENA: I Must drink all the water! > Cape Boy Wavemotion Chi Blast! ALL: Huh?? MIKE: You're right, Athena, he IS just adding special powers to himself whenever it's convenient. > >[Concentrating all of his chi, Capeboy fires a large blue energy >blast that incinerates the water YOHKO: Water can't be incinerated, you moron! SASAMI: I think he meant evaporated. REI: In which case, he flies through the mist and is turned into Chibi-Usa! HA-HA! MIKE: Shades of The Incredible Shrinking Man! > and continues through the ground. Where >is the rest of his blast going?] MIKE: I'm going to Disney Land! ATHENA: AKA, Hell on earth. REI: Yeah, if Disney goes through with its plans to make a live-action Sailor Moon movie, we WILL make it a hell on earth! > >[sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies] ATHENA: The writers are also borrowing from everything unappealing. >Listen to me story 'bout a man named X'ian, >Poor Chinese peasant barely keep his family fed, SASAMI: That doesn't even rhyme! YOHKO: What rhymes with X'ian? REI: Pan? ATHENA: Can? MIKE: Napoli-an? >Then one day as he was scrounging for some food, >Out of the sky came a blast bright blue. >Incinerated him. >Cosmic Dust. >He's Toast. REI: Ha ha, funny! MIKE: Hey, wait a minute! SASAMI: He just killed an innocent civilian. And he's supposed to be a hero?? ATHENA: Why did it come out of the sky? Wasn't it supposed to burst from the ground? MIKE: Let's figure this out... REI: Huh? > >[Back in the cockpit of the plane, Sailor Fluffy has finished >warming up the Crescent Moon Wand.] > >Sailor Fluffy: Moon Healing Decapitation! REI, ATHENA, SASAMI, & YOHKO: WHAT??? MIKE: Now, for something to do that... ATHENA: Mike, what the hell are you talking about? MIKE: Physics... REI: What the hell are the WRITERS talking about? MIKE: That I don't know. > >[The heads of the pilots fall off. Fluffy catches one and says >That wasn't supposed to happen. YOHKO: Sure it wasn't, you sadistic hussy! MIKE: Now she tattoos "HELP ME" backwards on her head. WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT??? EVERYONE ELSE: HEAD!!! MIKE: Anyway... > The plane begins to spin wildly out of >control. Fluffy tries to put the heads back on but they just fall off >again. YOHKO: Wow, she's smart. > She checks around to make sure that no one say her mistake. REI: SAY her mistake??? >Eventually she tries the wand again.] > >Sailor Fluffy: Moon Healing...Oh just correct my goof. REI: The entire fanfic. MIKE: Plus speed to break through solid... SASAMI: What are you doing? > >[Moon dust flies out of the wand and the heads of the pilots and >back on and the pilots come around in time to prevent a very messy >crash. ATHENA: Instead, they cause a clean, firey crash. >After the plane lands Fluffy and Righteous go in search of Cape Boy.] MIKE: I'm sorry, but it takes much, MUCH longer than that to get off of a plane. > >Fluffy: How'd you survive the fall? > >Cape Boy: I landed on Prince Rick. SASAMI: And now he's dead, right? MIKE: Diameter of the Earth is... > >[Our three heroes have a good chuckle and the final credits roll.] > > End of part 2 of Tuxedo Scouts vs the Chib MIKE: Ah, it's over. > > >Cape Boy Says: ATHENA: Absolutely nothing that makes sense. > >Cape Boy: Often times when we fall we don't have someone there to land on >and not get hurt. YOHKO: Oh, that'll be useful in life. MIKE: Speed is... > >Sailor Fluffy: That's right. So we have to be careful when we're working >or playing in an area where you can fall. ATHENA: Unless you're trying to get hurt, in which case just go ahead and jump. MIKE: Hmmm, so that means... > >Tuxedo Righteous: [huff] Sorry I'm late. [puff] No one told me we were >doing this. Is there anything left to be said? YOHKO: Yeah, this fanfic sucks. MIKE: Let's see, equal and opposite reaction... SASAMI: Just what are you doing? MIKE: Hold on, you'll find out soon enough. > >Sailor Fluffy: Nope. Sailor Fluffy Says [giggle] ATHENA: And I say 'bite me!' MIKE: Heat of re-entry... REI: Let's get the hell out of here. > >Tuxedo Righteous: D'OH! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone) "That one hurt," Rei said as she exited the theater, "really hurt!" "I'll say!" Yohko replied. "Hey," Sasami suddenly said, "where's Mike?" Sure enough, Michael O'Hare was nowhere to be seen on the bridge of the SOB. There were, however, several large cue cards set up on a stand. "Mike? Miiiiike???" Mike suddenly entered the bridge, as elevator music played from the speakers. "Hello everyone," he said in as formal a tone as he could muster, "it's time for today's physics lesson." "Physics lesson?" the magical girls said in unison. Mike nodded. "Now, today's lesson is based on that horrid, fetid bag of filth we were just forced to read. IN the STIRRING conclusion to Tuxedo Scouts part 2, Cape Boy valiantly saves the city of Tokyo by incin... EVAPORATING the torrent of cursed water with a CHI blast. Unfortunately, the Chi blast ends up punching through the earth and killing an innocent civilian." "You wanna be more verbose?" Athena heckled from the side. "Quiet!" Mike whispered harshly. "Now, this is all good and fine for Mr. Avatar, but those of us with brains demand more. SOOOO... let's figure out the physics of this action." Mike hurled the top cue card off the stand, revealing another cue card with a picture of the Earth on it. "The Earth," he continued, "has a diameter of approximately 6,378 kilometers. And, since the time between Cape Boy firing the chi blast and that poor Chinese guy's death seems to be pretty short, we must presume that the chi blast was moving at a speed of at LEAST 6,378 km/sec. However, when you factor that it had to burrow through tons of earth and molten rock to get to where it was, it would have to move much, MUCH faster than that." Mike again violently hurled the top cue card off, with the one below that one displaying a diagram of the Earth's atmosphere. "Now, even a ninth grader knows that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. SOOOO, as a consequence of firing a chi blast with such force at such a phenomenal speed, Cape Boy would be hurled up into the sky at an amazing speed. This would result in one of two consequences. ONE: Cape Boy would be hurled into the vacuum of space, where he would die a very uncomfortable death. TWO: After being shot up to a dizzying height, the Earth's gravitational pull would once again take hold of Cape Boy, where, due to the heat of re-entering the atmosphere combined with the force of the wind against his soft flesh at that speed... well, let's just say that it would take a LOT more than just landing on someone to save his butt. Along with the rest of him. Thank you." Mike's presentation was met with awkward silence, as the four magical girls stared at him in slight disbelief. "that's certainly... dark," Sasami replied. "Wait a minute," Rei replied, pulling a globe out from under the desk. "According to the story, the chi blast hit Tokyo, but came out in CHINA! China is NOT on the other side of the world that Japan is. In fact, if it had followed the correct course, it would have come out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean." "That means," Yohko interjected, "that the chi blast made a curving, boomerang-like course." Mike stared on, silently. "Explain that," Yohko said. Mike stayed silent. "PLUS," Athena added, "the story said that the blast came out of the sky. Now explain how THAT'S physically possible." Mike was silent. "I can't explain either," he finally said. "I'm going to go and lie down now, I think that trying to figure out the physics of the fanfic is making my head hurt." "Whaddaya think, sirs?" Sasami asked as Mike slowly walked away. "Interesting, but pointless," Forrester replied. "Push the button, commie." Frank, dressed to look almost exactly like Fidel Castro, stepped in. "Si, doctor!" he replied to a confused Dr. Forrester. Frank then pressed the button as he puffed on the large Cuban cigar in his mouth *}-----FWOOSH-----{* DR. FORRESTER: ...Frank?? FRANK: No me molestas. Estoy piensando. Rei Hino created by Naoko Takeuchi Yohko Mano created by Masao Moruyoma Sasami created by Hitoshi Okuda Athena Asamiya created by SNK Michael O'Hare created by Timothy and Carlota O'Hare Inventions created by Michael O'Hare, with help from Key and Tita, the Wonder Kittens. Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank, and the whole concept of MST3K created by Best Brains, bless their souls... This fanfic is owned by the alleged writers, as are the blasted avatars The MiSTing of this fanfic is owned by ME, Michael O'Hare Special Thanks to: Tim McLees, for accepting my weird-ass crap. Jamie Jeans, for the pointers. Michael Surbrook, for the additional pointers. All other MiSTers out there. Key and Tita, the Wonder Kittens, for depriving me of much-needed sleep. Frank Sinatra, for being the best damn singer ever! The creator of bacon. Some guy named Steve, I think. The authors of the first amendment. Keep circulating the tapes STINGER: > The plane begins to spin wildly out of >control. Fluffy tries to put the heads back on but they just fall off >again. She checks around to make sure that no one say her mistake. _*_ Take my advice, folks! Never, EVER try to figure out the physics of an avatar fanfic! You might pop a blood vessel. E-mails are encouraged, be they C&C or otherwise. Hell, even rude ones are welcomed! If you want to, please do so at... servantofdea@hotmail.com Just don't cuss, because the government monitors my computer and, to be totally honest, they don't really give a rat's patoot what you say on the e-mail, so go ahead and cuss all you want, actually. If you do see any of the writers of this story, do not attempt to apprehend them! Call your nearest mental health clinic and run away! THIS FANFIC IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF OWEN HART. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, OWEN. MAY YOUR HEAVENLY MATCHES BE PLENTIFUL.