There's something weird about "Twisted Path". Despite Darren's sub- par technical skills, despite the overpowered godboy self-insertion star.. Despite its incredible size and equally incredible plot contrivances.. the story actually manages to be likeable. I have actually _enjoyed_ reading this fic unMSTed, at least until about two- thirds of the way through Part Three. Maybe it's because that's the first time he succumbs to the urge to have his character fix all the problems of the main characters.. Anyway, all I mean to say is this: This MSTing is just for fun. In no way should any malice be interpreted as being held towards Darren Steffler. Darren.. just think of this as a proofreader's notes, okay? A really, really weird proofreader, but one who means well. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) Back on the bridge of the SOL.. "So what's this big idea, Crow?" asked Joel skeptically. "You folks know the improv game 'Party Quirks', where each player takes the role of a different character and the host has to guess who they are?" The others nodded assent. "Well, we'll take the roles of Author Avatars! It's brilliant!" "Oh, come on!" Tom protested. "It'll be way too easy." Joel shrugged. "Still, why not? We've got a few minutes to kill." "Great!" Crow exclaimed. "Magic Voice, will you be the host?" "Sure thing, Crow." Joel and the bots headed to the side of the bridge, awaiting the doorbell. *DINGdong!* "Come in!" said Magic Voice. In coming Crow. He eyes looking up at the roof, where Voice lives. "Morning!" "Great Party, you think? I follow that Cheez Wiz for crackers." "Umm.. sure. I think we have some Cheez Wiz." *DINGdong!* Tom comed in next. He was wearing a costume 4 the part, cuz he had time 2 change. "Hey, guys!" Crow light up eyes at seeing Tom. "What give many of Sprite?" "No way dude! U wanna fight!" "Make my robot day!" *DINGdong!* Joel walked in. From offstage. His expression was one of disgust at the scene before him. "Oh, ginger peachy. Those two are at it again. I especially hate when they both start fighting like this." Tom frogned in rage. "Shut up! Feel my fists of fury! hya" Crow vaulted. "Bad Joke! But pain is many of furious anger! And that means you!" Crow famous on Joel. Joel's face winced in pain at the sudden shock, but the next thing he saw stole his attention entirely. "SUPER SAIYA-JIN TRANSFORMATION!" Tom's hair became gold and up. *DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!* Joel's expression smiled at the end of the round. "So, who were we?" "Hmm.." Magic Voice thought for a moment. "Tom was obviously Oscar." Tom bowed and headed to the edge of the bridge. "Crow must have been Lord Thinker." Crow, too, headed to the bridge's edge. "So that makes Joel.. William Shatner?" "Sorry, Magic Voice," said Joel, "but no. I was Darren Steffler from this week's experiment. Nice try, though." A few minutes passed. "Hey, Crow?" asked Tom. "Yeah?" "How did you do that?" Crow smiled evilly. "You mean.. this?" Crow famous on Tom. "Oww!" Tom protested. Suddenly, lights started flashing and alarms started going off. "AAAHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!" > >Chapter Five >------------ Joel: Audience zero. Tom: Ba-da-bing! > > Happosei was not happy. Crow: (Author) Heheh.. get it.. Happousai.. Happy.. heh. > Still dazed from the rock Ranma threw at him, Happosei was not able to >mount All: Gyah! Tom: Thank the Lord for small blessings. > much of a defence against Ranma and Happosei's two former pupils. Joel: The whites and irises, however, were quickly defeated. > And so, >after a few minutes, he was held firmly in all three of their grasps. > "How much longer you old fart?!" Crow: (Happousai) Until you stop feeding me old beans! Joel: Crow! Crow: Well, wouldn't you start getting irked if someone fed _you_ old beans? > Happosei glared at Ranma, "You whippersnapper! Tom: (Happousai) Do you know how long those whippers took to make? > _You_ disrupted the >spell before it was completed! I have no idea _what_ kind of demon will >appear now! Joel: Are you a good demon.. or a bad demon? > Or, for that matter, how much longer it will take!" Crow: Well, the carpenter said about two weeks.. > "You actually expect me to believe that old fool?!" Tom: No, Mr. Saotome. I expect you to die. > "You can wait a few more minutes Ranma!" Akane shouted from the forest >behind them, "Do you _want_ to see the demon?!" Joel: (father) 'Cause if not, I'm turning back right now! > Ranma turned his head towards Akane, Tom: Oh. There you are. > "I just want this done and over >with. Standing on a stupid rock, Joel: (rock) Hey, watch it, bub! Like you're one to talk.. > at midnight, when it's cold out, is not my idea of >a good time." Crow: (Ranma) Yeah! I could be at Shampoo's, eating her hot, moist, steamy- Joel: CROW!! Crow: ramen. Stop jumping the gun, Joel! > "Well Ranma, why don't you..." > WHOOSHHHHH! Joel: (Ranma) I don't know how to whooshhhhh. Couldn't I just fwashh or zzoooomm instead? > A gout of red flames appeared in the Place of Arrival with a sound >that interrupted Akane's sentence. Tom: (Wicked Witch) Who killed my sister? Was it you? > Brimstone smell filled the air Crow: o/~The halftime air was sweet perfume.. > around the >stone that held the now-visible demon and the four nervous mortals standing >on the rock. Tom: Four? Soun, Genma, Akane, Ranma, and Happousai makes five, right? Ten if you count the whole six-pack of Happousais. Joel: Well, maybe Happousai is a demon, like in _Lemon Punch_, and the other five Happousais aren't now visible. > Akane froze at the sight of the demon's arrival. Tom: Damn. Another good idea down the tubes. Crow: Oh, yeah; Akane was standing in the forest anyway. Joel: So why didn't you mention it? Crow: I didn't think you'd care. > The arch-demon looked around and saw what he supposed was Happosei, two >nervous mortals and a panda Crow: It's not like that's a tough group to ID, y'know. > were holding him tightly. Joel: (Malkon) Um.. this is very friendly and all, but would you mind letting go? > Malkon smiled. This >would be even easier than he thought. > He bowed to Happosei. "Good evening. I do believe one of you by the >name of Happosei summoned me?" Tom: (Malkon) Which of you six was it, anyhow? > Happosei, Ranma, Soun, and Genma-panda, gaped at Malkon. > The arch-demon sighed Joel: (Malkon) Amateurs. > and shook his head dramatically, "Ah, no usual >demands, bargains, etc. etc.? Crow: Et cetera, et cetera, and so forth! > Wealth? Women?" At that last, Happosei perked >up and stood a little straighter. Malkon was inwardly amused. Joel: (Runyonese) I am inwardly amused and hilarified by dis occurance. > *Yes, _much_ >easier....* > Ranma, unfortunately, noticed Happosei's change in attitude too. >Tightening his grip on the old Master Tom: *SNAP* Oops.. > he replied, "Sorry pal. There's been >a mistake. So why don't go back where you came from." > Turning his head to look at Ranma, the arch-demon chuckled, Crow: (Malkon) Heh, heh.. "There's been a mistake".. You kill me! > "You >must be Ranma I gather. Tom: (Ranma) No, Ranma I gather has the night off. I'm Ranma I get beaten up by Akane. > I had heard you might have been the reason I was >summoned, or rather, a demon summoned." Ranma was understandably startled >at this. Joel: (Runyonese) I am understandably startled and taken aback by dis. > "Oh dear. I must at least tell you _my_ name since I obviously >know yours. I am arch-demon Malkon, at your service." He bowed. > When the word, ARCH-demon was uttered, Soun and Genma-panda paled. Crow: (Genma) Oh, no! The grown-up taste is too much for us! > Malkon continued, "When I found out who summoned me, I decided to >come prepared for the summoner's desires." Happosei's face brightened. Tom: *FWASH* AAH! My eyes! >The arch-demon started to conjure women's undergarments. Crow: (Malkon) Nothing up here.. Nothing up here.. and _nothing_ up here! > Some with a lace >lining, some with sequins. Joel: Some in rags and some in tags and some in velvet gowns. > All were of a red, silky material that looked >incredibly soft. As a pile formed at the arch-demon's feet, he continued, >"But if there's been a mistake then it really is a pity. Especially after >bringing all these...items with me." He sighed deeply, "Too bad." Tom: "Too bad" doesn't begin to cover this thing. > When the first of the arch-demon's conjurations appeared, Happosei >tried to advance towards the chalk-dust inscribed Place of Arrival. Ranma, >Soun, and Genma-panda, immediately held him back. As more of the items >appeared however, they found that they were fighting a losing battle. Akane >looked on in horror as Happosei suddenly broke free from the hands holding him >back. Two feet away from the circle, Ranma tackled him. Happosei fell down >scrabbling Crow: Hmm.. B-O-R-I-N-G.. I'm up to 68 points. > towards the pile of bounty in front of him. His hands smeared >the circle and the conjured pile vanished. Joel: (Chekov) Keptin! They've penetrated our forward shields! Tom: (Groucho) I'll say they have. > Everyone except Malkon froze. All: (shiver) Crow: Hey, throw another log on, willya? > "Ah. Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed." Tom: (Malkon) I'll be here all week; enjoy your dinners! > Walking with some resistance, he strode out beyond the now broken >Place of Arrival Joel: Okay, who broke the pentacle? Bots: Not me! > and stretched his arms dramatically.(or perhaps demonically :) Crow: Bite me :E >"So nice to get out of that restricting circle. Breath of fresh air and all >that." Looking around, Malkon spied Akane in the trees. Joel: (Malkon) I spy with my little eye.. > "Hmmm. A vision of >loveliness amongst the trees. Come out my dear flower and let us get a better >look at you." Tom: Oh no, it's Kunou in disguise! > Akane started backing up instead but suddenly the arch-demon's eyes >glowed softly red and she found herself walking into the clearing. Joel: (Akane) *whump* Ow! > "Yeeessss. >As I thought, truly a treasure worth _possessing_." Akane mentally struggled >against those glowing eyes but still walked towards Malkon. "Strong-willed >too. I _am_ impressed." The arch-demon's fanged smile sent shivers up >her back. Crow: Hey.. I think we actually just passed a kinda cool sequence! All: (applaud) Tom: Maybe there's hope for this fic aftert all! > Suddenly, the eyes were gone and she could move again. Tom: (Malkon) Damn! I blinked! > "Aggghh!" Splash! Joel: Meanwhile, on the set of the Batman TV show.. > Underestimating them, Malkon had dismissed Ranma and the others. Tom: (Charlemagne) Oh, poor baby. DENIED! Crow: So who'll get _that_? > "Taunt _me_ will you!" Crow: Well, it wouldn't be much of a MSTing if we didn't! > Happosei shouted after the arch-demon. He >started running towards the lake, with Soun and Genma-panda soon after him. > "Akane! Are you all right?" An unguarded moment of concern showed >briefly on Ranma's face as he looked at her. Tom: (Ranma) Damn. She made it. > "I'm alright...I think" Joel: So who else can see the pounding Ranma's gonna receive? Crow: Signed.. > "Good. I wonder what he saw in a tomboy like you anyway." Crow: Sealed.. > "Grrrr...." Whap! Crow: ..and delivered. > Ranma soon out-distanced Happosei by means of Akane's punch and >landed on the lake's shore. Joel: Sweet mother of Rutherford B. Hayes! HE DIDN'T LAND IN THE WATER! Tom: THE END IS NIGH! THE END IS NIGH! > "Ow!" Ranma rubbed his chin. "I _wish_ she wasn't so hot-tempered all >the time. Crow: (Ranma) Yeah, stupid girl.. gets annoyed when I insult her.. > Uh oh." He looked around at the empty beach. Joel: You did it! God damn you all! God damn you all to hell! > "Now where'd that demon >go?" > "Enjoying a well deserved dunking at the moment, and it is >_arch_-demon not demon." Tom: Man, don't you just hate those guys who insist you use their full title every time? > Ranma whirled towards the voice of the Hell-spawn and saw Malkon's head >above the level of the water. The rest of him was slowly rising out of the >surface of the lake. Joel: (Jusenkyo guide) Is tragic story of arch-demon that drown there three hundred year ago.. very tragic story. > "That lapse on my part was inexcusable and I certainly >left myself wide open for that. Well, as long as I do not allow that to happen >again it will be alright. However," Malkon's face reflected his anger, "WHERE >IS THAT OLD FOOL?!" Crow: (Bob Vila) Tonight on "That Old Fool", we'll be giving Happousai a new skylight, as well as repairing his deck. Also, we're going to show you how to fix the wiring on Rei's grandpa and install air-conditioning in Master Roshi. > "The old fart will be here in a moment. Tom: (Malkon) Well, try to hold it in, willya? > Will I do in the meantime?" >That said, Ranma lifted a large rock on the shore and threw with accuracy >at the hovering arch-demon. Crow: (Ranma) Screw ki-blasts and magic. _I've_ got a big rock! > "Not likely." Malkon said mildly as he easily caught the stone. Tom: (baked) Dude. Like.. whoa. Joel: (ditto) I hear you, man. > "Since >I am already wet, I see no reason why you should not be as well." Magically >enlarging the rock to enormous size, Malkon hurled the boulder into the lake. >This created a small tsunami which swept Ranma, and the now present Happosei, >Genma-panda, and Soun off their feet. Crow: INTENSE.. FREUDIAN.. ACTION! Tom: Now _that's_ a Senshi attack I'd love to see! > Coughing water, Ranma-chan shouted, "Now I'm REALLY mad!" Joel: (Rocky) And now here's something we hope you'll _really_ like! > Still levitating above the lake, Malkon witnessed the change. "How >unusual!" Tom: (German) But _not_ funny. > He eyed the now sopping-wet Ranma-chan. "What a _fascinating_ curse. >Now _this_ I must get a closer look at." Suddenly, Ranma-chan was floating Joel: o/~ I'm flying.. >helplessly towards the arch-demon and soon came to a halt in mid-air in front >of him. Eyes glowing, Malkon questioned her. Crow: (British) What is the air-speed/velocity of a coconut-laden swallow? Joel: (ditto) African or European swallow? Crow: (ditto) I don't know that. (pause) AAAAHHHH! > Ranma-chan couldn't resist. Tom: o/~ I.. can't.. help.. falling in love.. with.. you. > "How did this curse come upon you?" > "I fell into the drowned girl spring at the cursed springs of >Jusenkyou in China," Ranma-chan tried to stop the words but failed. Crow: Take it from me, Ranma: that never works. > "How does it work?" Joel: Read the FAQ! > "Cold or room-temperature water turns me into a girl. Hot water >changes me back." > "Hmm. That will do for now." Tom: (Malkon) Actually, I'm kinda sorry I asked. > Releasing a furious Ranma-chan from his >spell, Malkon levitated her back to shore. Gazing at the land-bound people on the >shore, Malkon said, "Now. What _shall_ I do with you all...." Joel: You could play Monopoly. Crow: That was pretty lame, Joel. Joel: Yeah, but it's better than what you were going to say. > > Akane was worried. Tom: When in danger, when in doubt, wave your arms and run and shout! > When that demon had trapped her with his eyes she had gotten the feeling >that he was _playing_ with them. Joel: See? I was right. Crow: (grumbles) > *If he _is_ an arch-demon, then he likely is. Tom: Excuse my saying this, but.. duh. >Happosei was VERY lucky to have caught him off-guard like that.* The power >she had felt in those eyes was great. Joel: (pulp detective) Anyone trying to pull a Moe would get his fingers fried.. or worse. > Akane shivered. She feared even Ranma >would be unable to beat that thing. Then the arch-demon would come back for >_her_. She was _very_ certain of that. Tom: Oh, come on! Just because every single other villain in the Ranmaverse has come after her doesn't mean this one will! > No one she knew could possibly...well, >maybe Cologne might know a way. She did know a lot about magic... Crow: (Cologne) Mousse! *whack* How many times have I told you never to play a Lord of the Pit without a sustainable source of token creatures? Joel: (Mousse) Um.. nine, honored elder? Crow: (Cologne) *whack* Don't talk back to me, boy! > WHOOSHH! Tom: There it is! > Akane's thoughts were interrupted suddenly by a roar of flames >similar to when the arch-demon appeared. *No! Not another!* Crow: (Akane) I don't know if I can make it fit! Joel: Crow! > She thought >frantically. Then she saw the color of the magical fires and was confused. Joel: (Scottish) That's.. that's the McGregor tartan! > The >flames were...blue? > *What kind of demon uses _blue_ flame??* Tom: Maybe the old fart Ranma was talking about just arrived. > When the flames died out, she was even more confused. > *That doesn't look like a demon to me. Almost the opposite in fact...* All: (bored) Author. > The basis for that thought was the blue aura surrounding the young man >that had appeared. Joel: I thought that just meant you were real angry.. > He was a little taller than Ranma and a little more muscular >with brown hair and...hazel eyes? He didn't look like any race in particular Crow: The Kentucky Derby or the Belmont Stakes? Who can tell? >but could probably fit into any without much trouble. Tom: Not that that's real tough in anime. > He was also handsome >looking. He was wearing a frayed, white t-shirt and shorts. Hardly what an >angel would wear. His expression was curiously blank. Joel: No potshots, guys. It would be way too easy. > Akane shrugged, why not. Crow: (Akane) May as well let the 'shrooms run their course, I guess. > "Hello? Are you OK?" > The young man turned his head towards Akane and looked straight through >her. This was unnerving to say the least. Joel: (Author Avatar) Does this bother you? I'm not touching you! > Then he spoke and his voice was as >empty as his face. > "Is Malkon here?" > "Uh, I think he's still at the lake," Akane pointed the direction. Crow: (Akane) Can I take a message? > The face changed and Akane stepped back a pace in surprise. A cold >rage was shown on that mask and his eyes became ice-blue lights. The young man >ground out in a now tension-filled voice. > "Good. Very good." Tom: Lame. Very lame. > >Chapter Six >----------- Crow: And it just keeps going on.. Joel: Actually, there are thirty-two chapters in this part alone. Tom: This.. _part_? How many parts are there? Joel: Uh.. four. (pause) All: AAAHH!! > > Malkon had caused the ground to grab the four martial artists on the >shore and still pondering what to do with them with all his concentration, >when something else caught his attention. Joel: (Ryoko) I don't wanna miss anything! > Caught him in the chest actually, driving him back into the lake. Tom: (Jusenkyo Guide) Is very sad story of Nissan Pathfinder I drive into lake just two week ago! > "What! Aggh! Glub!" Crow: Don't you just love Steffler's dazzling dialogue? > The arch-demon was thrown into the lake again but was far more prompt >in returning to the surface this time. That had hurt! *What was that?* He >wondered. He then realized that it had been the VERY large, flat stone that he >had been summoned on. That was impossible! Tom: (Inigo) I do not think that word means what you think it means. > No mortal could have thrown that! Joel: Except for.. All: BIG JIM SLADE!! (All hum Big Jim Slade's theme.) > Shouting in anger, Malkon yelled, "WHO THREW THAT! WHO IS OUT THERE?" Joel: o/~ Who's that guy with the BIG rock.. Bots: o/~ BIG rock.. Joel: o/~ BIG rock.. >A visible red aura was starting to show around the arch-demon as he prepared >himself. Tom: URNOTE! > He absently noted that, since his concentration had failed, the four >on the beach were free but they were not the problem now. > Trees were being shattered and blown out of the way by something, >or rather _someone_, coming towards the lake shore. Joel: Mosura? Crow: Lord Alberto? Tom: Storm? > The group on the lake edge >dived out of the way just in time as the last few trees between the place >where the arch-demon had been summoned and the lake were blown away by an >unseen force. Tom: Red Tornado? Crow: Vegita? Joel: Ryoko? > The young man Akane had seen appear was standing where the trees once >were. All: Ohh. > He was glowing with an aura of his own and appeared MUCH more angry than >Malkon. Crow: (Darren) I'm madder than you! Tom: (Malkon) No way! I'm three times madder than you! Crow: (Darren) Nuh-uh! I'm a bazillion times madder'n you! Tom: (Malkon) Yeah? Well, you suck! > He replied to Malkon's shout with an angry, ice-water dipped voice. Joel: So what does his voice turn into? >"_I_ threw that stone. Tom: (Darren) For I am without sin. > Call me Twister." Crow: How about we call you "stupid" and have done with it? > Malkon had regained his calm and regarded the young man standing before >him on the shore. Crow: (Malkon) My god.. the sheer magnitude of it.. Joel: Crow.. Crow: I was talking about his power, Joel! > He didn't recall ever meeting a powerful being like this! Crow: See? Joel: Hmph. >And yet... he looked familiar. He voiced that fact to get more information. Tom: (Malkon) Say, baby.. haven't I seen you somewhere before? >"I do not recall meeting you, but you _do_ seem to strike a chord in my memory. >Might I inquire where we met?" > The man's blue aura blazed at that sentence and he started floating Joel: (Darren, stoned) I am _flying_. >straight up until he was level with Malkon. > "You throw me into the Event to die and you forgot!?!? Forget THIS!" Crow: I wish I could. > Heat fled from the young man Tom: (Heat) RUN! It's an all-powerful godboy otaku! > while air rushed in Crow: Where angels fear to tread? > to gather near his >right fist. Crow: Close enough. > "ARCTIC ICEWIND ATTACK!" Joel: Vlave Howl! Tom: Aqua Rhapsody! Crow: Vegita Big Bang Attack! > The fist shot towards Malkon and a compressed blast of freezing air >screamed towards the arch-demon. Joel: Count of three.. 1, 2, 3.. All: (air) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! > Razor-sharp ice shards formed within the >column of air and had reached a respectable size when the blast hit Malkon. > "AGGHHH!!!" Tom: A little late there, but nice try. > The heat from the arch-demon's aura had stopped a respectable amount >of the shards from reaching his body. However, some got through and the >intense cold only heightened the pain inflicted by the ice blades, which melted >quickly. > "YOU?? How did you survive?!" Joel: (Twister) o/~ Well, at first I was afraid, I was petrified.. > Malkon could not believe what he was >seeing. It was impossible for a mere mortal to have survived the Event, much >less escape it. The wounds inflicted upon him were painful so he healed them >with his magic. Crow: Cure2! > His power was great so he could afford this but the >now-powerful mortal, floating above the shore, was an unknown quantity which >he had judge capabilities on. Tom: Well, naturally- huh? > Who knew what effects the Event had had on >this...Twister. > *Better get the next strike in and try to guess his abilities.* Joel: (whiny) I don't wanna be the K anymore.. > While he was still relatively calm, Malkon tried to charm the young >man like he had Akane and Ranma-chan. Crow: (Malkon) Hey, what's a nice author like you doing in a fic like this? > With eyes glowing, the arch-demon attempted >to control this potentially useful person. Joel: (Malkon) I am the Great Svengali. You will do as I command. > "You do not _really_ wish to fight me, do you?" > "No." > Malkon relaxed sightly. The spell had... > "I want to _KILL_ you!!!" Tom: Wah-wah-wah-wahh.. > Blue light gathered in each of Twister's >hands and started to form something from the air itself. Raising both hands, >as if about to throw something, he cried out another attack. > "DIAMOND DEATH DAGGERS!" Crow: Shi Shi Hokodan! Tom: Spirit Bomb! Joel: Tatsumaki Senpuu-Kyaku! > At those words, Twister threw the now-formed, diamond daggers Crow: (words) Ow! What was that for? > with >furious force at the arch-demon. Malkon tried to dodge but the daggers moved >with him and buried deep into his lower torso. (Joel crosses his legs) Tom: Ooh! Shot to the area! > The arch-demon stared in >disbelief at the crystalline hilts painfully in his body. He slowly removed >the daggers and examined them in his pain. Crow: Say, did we mention the pain? Tom: Oh yeah, and it really hurts too! Joel: (looking _really_ uncomfortable) _Please_ stop.. > Suddenly, the force that held them >together flared in blue flame and burned his hands while the daggers became >carbon dust. Crow: A great disturbance in the Force.. as of a million screaming readers, suddenly silenced. > "DAMN AND HELLFIRE!" Tom: Claws of Blood! Joel: Red Lightning! Crow: God's majesty revealed in Hell, God's kindness revealed in the sea! > Malkon shouted out loud. Tom: As opposed to shouting really quietly? > He had not been so hurt >in ten thousand years! Even in his fury the arch-demon was thinking. *The >mortal did not even _notice_ my attempt to charm him. I would expect that >kind of resistance from an _arch-demon_, not a mortal! Joel: Subtle foreshadowing or blatant exposition? You be the judge. > It could be his >obvious rage but I doubt it... I'll try a more powerful spell after I heal >myself again. I _cannot_ let this go on. I am starting to weaken after these >healing spells.* Tom: Um.. Isn't that kind of counterproductive? > After healing himself again, Malkon tried one of his more powerful >spells. Joel: Bahamut-ZERO! > Transformation from a distance. It was much easier with skin contact >but he had doubts about being able to _get_ that close. Crow: Well, thank the Lord for small blessings. _That_ would be one scene we don't need to see. > "This has gone on for too long. I think it is time for a change...," Tom: Okay. I know who to root for. All: MAL-KON! MAL-KON! >Malkon cast his spell at Twister. Joel: Fireball for twelve! > Twister blinked. > Shook his head. Tom: Countered! > And then glared even harder at the arch-demon. All: (shield their eyes from the glare) > Malkon was shocked. *He blinked?? That was it???* Crow: (Malkon) I paid twelve bucks to see _this_? > He started to become >afraid but this further resulted in anger. Anger that this impudent mortal >should be able to shrug off one of his more powerful transformation spells >so easily. Joel: That's fine, Mr. Malkon, but how do you _really_ feel? > *No more defensiveness! It is time to go on the offensive! No >mortal will give this much trouble to an arch-demon and LIVE!* Crow: (Malkon)..from New York, it's Saturday Night!! > With >that thought, Malkon threw a projectile of his own. A fireball of immense >perportions. Tom: (fireball) I'm HUGE! > Twister icily looked at the fireball coming towards him. > He was prepared. Crow: That's right! Never go into battle without protection! > A fist was drawn back again and the massive amount of air he had >compressed around him gathered around it. With a mighty effort he threw >his fist forwards. > "HURRICANE WALL!" Tom: DEEP SUBMERGE! Crow: Judo CHOP! Joel: BOOT TO THE HEAD! > An almost solid wall of air met with fireball halfway between the >two combatants. Crow: (fireball) Well, if it isn't an almost solid wall of air! What's up? Joel: (A.S.W.O.A.) Oh, not much. Let's get out of here before they start shooting. > The blast of air had twice as much velocity as the sphere >of plasma and so, when the fireball detonated against it, the wall of air >carried the flames ahead of it. Tom: Foul! Just because the air has twice as much velocity doesn't mean it's packing twice as much power! Air isn't very massive, so- Crow: Yeah, but it's _almost-solid_ air. > Towards Malkon. The magic-tinged flames >cared not what they burned and so they hungrily feasted upon the arch-demon >treacherously. The wall of air that hit him a half-second later blew out the >flame. Tom: But.. wasn't the wall of air what carried the flames towards Malkon in the first place? Joel: Looks like Darren's spent too much time watching the Executive Toy.. > "AGGGHHH! ENOUGH!" Malkon was beyond mere calculating anger now. Joel: He'd gone on to trigonometry! >With burns over most of his body and robe charred, he was in a pure, blood-red >rage. Crow: Or, as the case may be, a somewhat blackened rage. > The absolute worst condition to find an arch-demon in. Tom: No, rage is the best state to find an arch-demon in. If he's happy, it's too late to stop him. > Twister looked at Malkon's obvious emotional state and flew towards >him. It was clear that the time for Malkon to cast spells from a distance >was over. Joel: It was now the time for interpretive dance! > Malkon summoned the remnants of his concentration to call upon his >Black Sword. Tom: Geez, shouldn't he polish that thing once in a while or something? > It shimmered into reality in his burnt, right hand. He wasted >no more magic on healing himself. Now it would be a battle of strength. Crow: 400 pounds, thirty reps. Let's go! >With his veneer of logical superiority gone, his true demonic fighting rage >came to the fore. He had over ten thousand years of fighting experience. Tom: Admittedly, he'd lost for the first eight thousand, but still.. >No limited-lifespan mortal was going to last long against Malkon! > Watching his opponent approach, he saw that his foe was creating >something to counter his own sword. With two hands outstretched in front >of him, another form was coalescing above those hands. Joel: (Malkon) A rubber chicken? > When the glow faded, >Malkon saw that it was another diamond creation. A sword of equal length >and style to his own but of crystal. A blue glow shone though the clear >material of it's construction. Crow: Aah! Not another David Eddings/Ranma crossover! All: NOOOO!! > Grasping it with both hands on the hilt, Tom: Why, _Darren_.. >Twister floated above the lake, about ten feet away from Malkon, and waited. > Malkon growled out, "You may have weakened me _slightly_ mortal >and I have allowed this to go on as long as it has. But now I have had >enough. Prepare to die." Joel: (badly dubbed) You will eat my flaming vengeance! HAANHH! > He looked for a reaction from his opponent but >received nothing. This angered him beyond belief and he launched himself >at Twister. Crow: Team Malkon is blasting off again!! > >Chapter Seven >------------- > > Malkon launched himself through the air. Tom: What, did he miss the first time? > "Time to end this fight!" Crow: Time to end this fic? Sure! Joel: No way. >The arch-demon shouted this as he took a wide sweep at Twister. Twister >avoided it by flying backwards just enough so that the Black Sword missed >him by millimeters. Tom: Yeah, I'm sure the mighty demon with over ten thousand years of experience can't adjust the path of his sword by _millimeters_. > Seeing this precise movement, Malkon continued the fight with more >caution. Crow: Be.. _careful_ out there. > He attacked in a more accurate and direct manner, and the mortal >countered with the newly created diamond sword. The two blades shrieked at >each other when they meet. Joel: (blade) Okay, WHAT is going on here? I never saw you before yesterday, and now you keep showing up everywhere.. AND NOW YOU'RE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?? > Blue and red sparks flew from each contact. Tom: This is why you should _always_ use a doctor-recommended saline solution. > This continued for several minutes with Malkon always on the offensive >and Twister being defensive. Crow: (Malkon) You suck, you damn queer hippie fanboy! Tom: (Twister) Do not! > While being fustrated at not having scored a single hit yet, Malkon >wondered at his opponent's reluctance to mount an offensive. *He is good >enough to block all my attacks and yet refuses to attack _me_. Hmm. In fact, >he does not appear to know how to use a sword, despite his always blocking >with it. Joel: (Malkon) For one thing, he's holding the wrong end! > It is as if he already _knows_ where I will strike next... >And maybe _that_ is the real truth.* Malkon shuddered at that thought. An >opponent that knew your own move before you did could maintain an nigh- >invincible defence if he was quick and strong enough. Tom: I hate to bring up a technical point, but even that won't help if you don't know how to use your sword. > Twister apparently was. >*I think it is _very_ fortunate indeed he does not know how to use that sword >yet.* > "MOUKO TAKABISHA!" Crow: PEARL BANG! Joel: SHAKE AND BAKING! Tom: BIG MIGHTY SWING! > "What?! AGHH!" Malkon was blasted towards the center of the lake he and >Twister had been fighting over. Joel: (Twister) It's _my_ lake, ya big meanie! > He quickly regained his concentration before >he dropped into the lake and narrowed his eyes at the shore. > *So the cursed one wants to play too...* > Ranma-chan was just lowering her hands as she looked at the effect >her ki-blast had had on the arch-demon. Crow: (Ranma) What the.. mustard? > The anger she had felt at being made >to feel helpless, and then ignored completely as a minor annoyance, was rapidly >sinking into hesitation as Ranma-chan saw the lack of results of the attack. Tom: It's technically grammatical.. but DANG! That's got to be the single unwieldiest sentence I've ever seen! >She had managed to miss that 'Twister' but now the arch-demon was glaring >at Ranma-chan now. > *Uh oh...* Crow: Spaghetti-Os! > Malkon was interrupted in his dark thoughts by a close by Twister's >icy voice, "You had the right words, Malkon. But _now_ is the time to say them." Tom: (Twister) Say it.. say it.. Joel: (Malkon) SEGA! >He started to rise above the arch-demon. Crow: WOW! That's quite a ways to lift your sword, Darren! Tom: Pretty impressive for someone wielding it for the first time. Joel: You guys.. > "Prepare to die." > The wind picked up around them as Twister's aura grew brighter and >the sword shone an intense blue. The diamond blade was placed in one hand Tom: (Twister) That's the biggest dang splinter I've ever had! > and >thrown straight up as Malkon wondered what the mortal was up to. > One hundred feet high in the air the sword stopped dead. It then >rotated until it pointed straight down. Twister raised both hands and a >stream of blue energy burst forth, racing towards the hovering sword. Crow: Eh. Overly-elaborate limit break. >Twister shouted out an attack that froze Malkon in shock. > "TWISTER TORNADO!" Joel: o/~Come on, baby.. do the twist! > The energy filled the sword Tom: Say when! > and it started its work. A torus of wind, >twenty feet in diameter, formed around the sword and rapidly expanded vertically >towards the ground. Malkon tried to fly away, but from his higher altitude, >Twister took steps to occupy his time. Crow: (Twister) How about a game of Parcheesi? > Pointing a palm in the arch-demon's >direction, Twister summoned some energy towards his hand and let it gain >strength there before releasing it. Joel: (Twister) Now go, little chi-burst, and be free! > "MINDFIRE PULSE!" > A small, curved ball Tom: As opposed, of course, to an angular ball. > of blue fire streaked towards Malkon and hit him >in the back. Crow: (Malkon) I refuse to believe that this is accepted chiropractic technique! > The burst of fiery pain delayed just long enough for the tornado >to snatch him into its grip and he was sucked into flying uncontrollably >around the center of the tornado, unable to concentrate much in the tempest. Joel: Whee! >Twister himself was untouched by the winds. Crow: And frankly, who can blame 'em? > Seeing Malkon trapped for the moment brought a faint smile to >Twister's lips momentarily, Tom: (Twister) Inflicting pain is fun! > then he executed his final strike against Malkon. >Gathering most of his remaining power, saving a bit for escape, Twister >let loose his energies into the walls of the tornado. Crow: (makes raspberry noise) > "MINDFIRE TORNADO ENERGIZE!" Tom: (Twister) Feel my death pootie! > The blue flame spread along the walls of the tornado, intensifying >it. Crow: Ack! It _was_ a death pootie! > This caused water to start being sucked into the fury of Twister's creation >from the lake. Malkon was further distracted by this gout of water that now >swirled about him. Before the water reached his altitude, Twister used the >last of his power to teleport out. Joel: Unfortunately, he was using a standard controller instead of a joystick and wound up breathing fire instead. > He had not used this before because he >wanted to reveal little about his capabilities to Malkon in the beginning. Tom: Yeah, creating a tornado is a great way to hide your true power. >Now, there was no need. A thunderclap signaled his departure and water rushed >past his former position. When the water reached the sword, the final phase >of the manouver was triggered. Joel: (Twister) Ha! Behold the power of RUST! > The blue mindfire in the tornado walls rushed >towards the sword. Crow: So.. the point of putting it into the tornado in the first place would be..? Joel: Dramatic effect. > Malkon briefly thought that his opponent had finally >over-extended himself when he noticed the lessing of the confusing swirling >of water. Tom: Oh no! It's the invasion of the killer gerunds! > That was his last thought for a while. > The sword absorbed all the mindfire and the light of the diamond sword >grew to sunlight intensity. It then performed its final function. Crow: To destroy all life in the universe? Joel: To write the Great American Novel? Tom: To prepare a delicious five-course meal with only six hours lead time? > Convert mindfire to heat and direct it straight down. All: Ohhh. Joel: Seems awfully specialized to me, but to each his own.. > This was released in a stream of energy one centimeter in diameter, >all the way down the _water_-filled tornado. Crow: Oh, no! He's making.. Hot Water!! Tom: You're forgetting what series we're dealing with here. In Ranma, that could be devastating. > This resulted in converting >lake-temperature water into ultra-hot plasma. All: (boggle) Tom: Does Darren have any grasp of real science at all? An entire lake converted into plasma would wipe out a good chunk of the prefecture! And even if he managed to somehow contain the mayhem, the effects on the local ecology of annihilating a lake, its inhabitants and the surrounding area could very well render the entire region uninhabitable within a year! Joel: Tom.. Tom: NO! This guy's worse than Lina Inverse! It's his first fight and he's already caused more collateral damage than your typical Godzilla movie! Joel: Tom, let it drop. If you vent all your rage now, what'll you do later in the fic? Crow: Well, I'm just wondering why he didn't point this energy beam straight at Malkon. > By itself, this would have >devastated the landscape, Tom: DAMN STRAIGHT! > but the now-dying tornado and its content of water >absorbed most of the blast. Tom: Like hell it did! The water had been turned into plasma, _remember_? Anyhow.. Do you have any idea what a tornado actually _is_? It won't absorb the force of a nuclear blast, if that's what you're thinking! > Malkon was inside all this. > The result was a tremendous explosion that flung hot water all around >the lake with the shockwave. Joel: Duck and cover! (He and Crow take cover.) Tom: ARGH! (in sync with the explosion on the screen) **BOOOM!!** Crow: Wow! Tom: (with smoke coming out of his head) *cough* Ow.. Joel: Pause the fic! (The fic pauses.) Well, you've got to expect this to happen when you overload your nitpick processor. Tom: Yeah, but I can't help it! This guy is trying to invoke science in ways that make it clear that he has no idea what he's talking about! Joel: *sighs* Look, we can take a break a little early this time.. but it means we'll have to do a five-chapter segment later. Is that what you want? Tom: Yes, please.. Joel: Okay.. can you make it to the end of the chapter? Tom: I guess.. Joel: Good. Play the fic! (The fic starts playing again.) > > "Yow! Hot! Hot!" Crow: o/~ Ole, ole! Ole, ole! > Ranma and the others danced around, trying to cool off from that blast >of hot water, from the middle of the lake, where the tornado had been. Tom: Hot water?.. Oh, you must mean the flaming nuclear death. > Soun stopped and looked out towards the middle of the lake where the >incredible, flaming-blue, tornado had been. Crow: (Soun) That must've been the worst case of gas on record! > Shockwaves on the lake's surface >were still spreading out from the explosion. > Ranma joined him, "I don't think we'll be seeing that Malkon jerk >again for some reason." Joel: (Ranma) ..because I'm blind! Oh, the humanity! > Akane gazed out with him, "I hope so." She shivered, still remembering >Malkon's eyes. Crow: (Akane) I'll take on his Black Sword any day.. > Happosei sneaked away before anyone could notice he was gone. Tom: (Happousai) I'm stealthy! You can't see me! > He didn't >want anyone blaming him for THIS mess. > Ranma remembered something and glanced around, "Hey! Where's that >old fart! Crow: It exploded in the middle of the lake, remember? Joel: Will you two lay off the flatulence jokes? Tom: Hey, Darren's the one talking about old farts and blue flame. > HE'S the one who started this mess!" Joel: (old woman) It was him! _He_ brought the demons! > Everyone looked around but the old Master had disappeared. > "Shoot. Tom: (darkly) With pleasure. > As long as it's over...what are YOU staring at Pop?" Ranma >looked in the direction his father's eyes were looking in and froze. Crow: It's Medusa! All: o/~ And then I saw her face!.. > Akane >and Soun noticed this and looked too. > A weary-looking Twister was standing in the spot where he had first >shouted out his anger at the demon. His face was back in the blank expression >Akane had seen on him when she had first seen him. Tom: (Twister) I wonder where Jimmy Carter is right now. > His gaze was focused on >the lake, just staring. Joel: (Shinji) Asuka.. Misato-san.. Mom.. What should I do? What? > The observers looked at each other and wondered what to do. Akane >thought for a moment and then straightened her shoulders. She started walking >towards the blank-faced young man. Ranma was surprised but ran up to walk >with her. Tom: o/~ Here we come.. Walkin' down the street.. > *No way am I gonna let her do something stupid.* > Twister turned to look at the pair when he heard footsteps coming >towards him. They stopped a pace away from him. Crow: (motherly) Now, dear.. you can look, but don't get too close. > Akane spoke softly, with a little tremor in her voice, "Are you OK?" > Twister just stared blankly from one to the other. Tom: (Twister) But why emus? > Ranma got impatient, "Yo! You listening to us!?" Crow: (Ranma) I pity the foo' who don't listen to Mr. S! > Akane was shocked, "RANMA! He looks like he's in shock! Don't make it >worse!" > "He's either dead or too weak for me to sense him." Twister said in >a dead voice. Joel: And now, a moment of silence in memory of Twister's voice. > Silence. Crow: Heh. Cute, Joel. > "Well, just who the hell _are_ you buddy?" Ranma aggressively asked him. > "Ranma!" Tom: (Ranma) No, no, _I'm_ Ranma! Who are _you_? > Something flickered across Twister's face and he stared at Ranma. Joel: Bitter Beer Face! > "What are you looking at pal?" Ranma was felt a little unnerved >by the scrutiny. Tom: (Twister) Scrutin, scrutin, scrutin! Joel: You do realize that nobody's gonna get that, right? > Twister suddenly moved towards the lake, with Akane and Ranma behind >him, wondering what he was doing. When he was by the water and saw Ranma beside >him, Twister quickly splashed water on Ranma. > Surprised, Ranma-chan shouted, "What'd you do _that_ for??" Crow: Uh.. wasn't the entire lake really hot a few seconds ago? > The blank look faded from Twister's face and was replaced by a more >human expression and voice. Deep shock. Joel: It's an evil combination of Deep Hurting and a shock to the shammies! NO!! > "Ranma. Oh jeez. Ranma. I hope I'm dreaming this." After that >statement, his eyes rolled up and Akane and Ranma-chan caught him as he went >limp in a faint. Crow: (Akane) Men.. no endurance at all! > Ranma-chan shook her head. Tom: (makes rattling noises) > "Oh great. This is just perfect." Crow: (Lardizabal) WHAT.. did.. you.. say? > > A hand splashed out of the water of the lake Joel: Oh no! The Mafia killed Hamburger Helper! > and gripped an old >tree root. Its twin joined it Crow: They got Tuna Helper too! You bastards! > and together they dragged the body they shared >out of the lake. > Malkon was utterly exhausted. Crow: (Malkon) That.. was the most incredible experience I have ever had. > *Never...have I...been so...completely...defeated.* Joel: So why is he thinking in Shatnerese? I could see it if he was actually talking out loud, but.. > He had barely >managed to shield himself from that point-blank explosion in the tornado. >Malkon's magic was almost totally drained from the strain of that last task. Tom: No, really? Just 'cause he was at ground zero of the Ten Ton Atomic Flaming Napalm Strike, he had difficulty protecting himself? Pull the other one. >*He was absolutely new to his power and yet he still defeated me.* Malkon >tiredly pondered that fact. Crow: Truth to tell, we're pretty tired of it too. > The arch-demon thought about killing a few locals in the area but >dismissed that as foolhardy. *If he can sense my aura, then building my >strength in this area would only draw him to me. Joel: Of course, even if he couldn't sense Malkon's aura there would be the little matter of the dead locals.. > I do not think I would >survive a second encounter like that. I must wait until I am fully healed >and then leave. When I am far enough away, _then_ I can build up my >magical strength.* Malkon thought about that plan and thought it the best >available option. Crow: (Captain America) There's only one way to set things right.. PIE! > Turning his mind to that of his recent opponent Malkon found not >rage but actually intellectual curiousity, Tom: (Spock) Fascinating. > *The mortal survived the Event.* >He still marvelled at it, *A very unlikely possibility, yet he did. Not >without its effects on him though... Very painful ones at that.* Crow: (Malkon) A cosmic wedgie! > Malkon >remembered something about Twister's manner during the fight, *He did not >seem to be the same person while we were fighting. A cold, blind rage was >there that was not present before I had thrown him into the Event... Joel: Well, I can see how he could get a wee bit irked over that. > That is >it! His rage at me must have allowed him to survive long enough in the Event >to get out alive. His mind must have retreated into itself for protection Crow: Kind of like holding up crepe paper in a rainstorm, if you ask me. >leaving only a purposeful rage against me to shield him. It must have still >been in place when he fought me. No restrictions. No morals. Joel: It's EXTREME!! > All his new power >against the enemy. Me.* With a tried smile Malkon continued the thought. >*When his true mind comes back he will likely not remember much of what >he did to me. He will need to practice. That gives me more time than I >thought.* Tom: Um.. excuse me, but WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET THAT?!! Crow: He read ahead in the fic. > Malkon further continued that theory, *Without a normal personality >and only rage in his mind, his mind was likely operating at a highly logical >level. Tom: Huh? No! It's the _other way around_! Rage makes you _lose_ logical abilities, if anything! > That is probably how he was able to attack me with the methods he >used.* He thought about the diamond weapons Twister had used. Crow: (Malkon) They were absolutely _darling_! > *As an example, >the diamond creations he made are easily obtainable from the air. Tom: Argh! Joel: You okay? Tom: No. I'm bitter. > A very >logical decision. Likely made by sensing his own abilities.* Malkon chuckled. Joel: (Malkon) Aw, who'm I kidding? That guy's crazy as a March hare! >*That logical mind may affect him when he regains his normal personality.* > A new thought struck him. Tom: (Malkon) Ow! > *I sensed _no_ magic upon him. Only psionic power. That is odd. >The Event contained both Mind and Magic power Crow: You got Mind in my Magic! Tom: You got Magic in my Mind! > yet the magic was not there. Crow: (Malkon) Was it my fault or his? >It HAD to have given him equal amounts of _both_ kinds of power. So where >is it? Joel: Where's the beef? > Or is it merely inaccessible now? How could he access it then?* Tom: Um.. he can't. That would be why it was "inaccessible". > This brought a new thought. *Yes. That could work. The rage would be >useless that way and make him vulnerable in the process.* Malkon slowly smiled. > *And _that_ decides my first destination.* Crow: Yankee Stadium! > He laughed softly. Joel: (Naga) OH-HO-HO-HO!! (Tom and Crow each edge away from Joel.) Joel: Anyhow, let's get outta here. (All exit the theater.) (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) As you may have noticed, a few of the riffs this time through do reference other MSTings.. I have still, however, made an effort to keep them to a minimum. I'd appreciate any kind of feedback. If you have comments, please let me know at (bensan_arizona@yahoo.com). Is anybody there? "Twisted Path", Twister, Malkon, and all the other original characters in the fic belong to Darren Steffler. Ranma 1/2 and its characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. MST3K, Joel, Dr. F and the Bots belong to Best Brains. This MSTing belongs to me. The Old Fart presumably belongs to itself. Only the bits that belong to me are used with permission. Please don't hit me. --Ben-San Arizona bensan_arizona@yahoo.com > The anger she had felt at being made >to feel helpless, and then ignored completely as a minor annoyance, was rapidly >sinking into hesitation as Ranma-chan saw the lack of results of the attack.