Unseen Signs Written by Stephen Ratliff MSTied by CrowBar (MakoReno@aol.com) and Nightbreak (cadz0001@algonquinc.on.ca) CrowBar's Site: http://crowbar.cjb.net/ Nightbreak's site: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/3552/mst.html CrowBar's Notes: Well, I finally have gotten my chance at a Ratliff fic! And I have to say it is also a honor that I got to work with Nightbreak here, because I laugh my head off when I read his MSTings. Anyway, here's Nightbreak. Welcome to The Ratliff Zone... [The Twilight Zone music begins to play] Nightbreak's Notes: After 17 MSTings, I have the honour of riffing one Stephen Brian Ratliff. Fourth Collaboration for me, too. And I am extremely thankful to CrowBar for letting me join him in this. Ratliff, thank you. :) Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi. MST3K is owned by Best Brains Inc. This Fanfic is owned by Stephen Ratliff. I've got dibs on it and you can neither flame us or him for this fanfic. Oh, BTW, Ratliff, please have a sense of humor when you read this ^_^. ========================================================== The Critic's Oath: "Though the subject be divine and the outlook wide and vasty, Put starch in your spine and say something nasty." - Isaac Asimov ========================================================== "M.S.T. 2999.9", in conjunction with "Assorted Ramblings" presents. . . "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE COMBINED" by CrowBar & Nightbreak. §--(Turn off your life)--§ (Because... uhh... I said so) ____________________________________________________________________________ [MST3K Season 9 Love Theme] [SOL Bridge- Mike and Tom are on the bridge chatting.] Mike: I don't know, Tom. I mean, there is SOMETHING wrong with Crow. Tom: Relax, Mike. He did Bear Simulations and other whatnots and he was just fine! Mike: Well, I do think he has went to the extreme this time. [Crow walks in wearing a orange parka] Crow: Mmmph! Mike: Oh. Hi Crow. [Looks at Cambot] Hello everyone. Nelson here. Crow is going through another one of his simulations again, and for some reason, this time he picked Kenny. Crow: Mmph Mmmph Mmmph Mmph? Mike: No I don't do that, Crow! What has gotten in you? Tom: Yeah! If you're Kenny, you would have died by now! [As almost by magic, a anvil falls on Crow's head. Plot Contrivance: Our Friend] Tom: Oh my God! They killed Crow! You bastards! Mike: Tom... [The Commercial signs light flashes] Mike: Well, we'll be fixing Crow now. We'll be right back [Taps button] *************************************************************************** COMING SOON... THE DEATHMATCH OF DEATHMATCHES Kintobor: Come on! That was a lame start! Star Mech: Shut up, Buttmunch! I'm the real avatar of Gonterman! Kintobor: I am! Go attack Godzilla or something. Star Mech: I'd rather attack you really. Kintobor: BITE ME! Star Mech: Fine with me [Bites into Kintobor] Kintobor: AHH! You're dead![The two begin scuffling on the ground] KINTOBOR VS. STAR MECH COMING SOON..... *************************************************************************** [Scene returns to the SOL Bridge. Mike has finished fixing Crow, as he is back to normal now] Mike: There. Now Crow... Crow: What? What? All I did was become Kenny for a while! His spirit tried to capture my soul! Tom: Sure Crow. Whatever. Crow: Listen, I will get killed right now! Watch me! [Several Moments pass and nothing happens] Crow: Well... it never happens immediately... Mike: Crow, what did I say about your simulations? Crow: That I should stop them and try relaxing. Mike: Good. We are making progress. Crow: Actually, I just subscribed to the 'Costume of the Month Club' with your credit card. Hope you don't mind, because I know you don't use those plastic things anyway. And what does 'Bad Credit' mean, anyway? [Mike is startled. The MADs light flashes] Crow: Uhh.. Mike? Tom: Nelson? [Mike stands there, still shocked. Crow smacks the button with his beak] Crow: Mike? I'm sorry! I'll pay it back in several hundred years! [Mike still stands there. Crow, desperate, bites him] Mike: Ouch! Cut it out! Crow: Sorry, Mike. But Daria, Beavis, and Butthead are calling. Mike: Oh. [Hits the button] [Castle Forrester- Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are all drinking wine. A banner up above says 'Happy Insanity' on it. ] Pearl: Oh, how sweet life can be! Brain Guy? Give us some more of that French Wine. Observer: Yes madam! [runs off] We have finally done it! Oh joy! Bobo: But, Lawgiver... Pearl: What is it, monkey-breath? Bobo: We have sent them such fics as 'Time Speeder' and 'Artemis' Lover' and they didn't go insane even then! Pearl: Silence, Monkey! Before you spoil the mood. Bobo: Yes, Lawgiver. [Observer comes back with the bottle of wine.] Observer: Here you go, ma'am. French Wine from the 16th century. [Pours a glass of wine for himself and Pearl] Pearl: Thank you Brain Guy. [Pearl notices that the screen is on and walks to it, holding the glass of wine.] Pearl: Hello, my little test subjects. I suppose you are all wondering why we're all celebrating? [SOL] Mike: Actually, no. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: I'll tell you anyway. We have just found the fanfic that will bring you to your knees. Here are some clues to your Mystery Author. Bobo: He gave you tons of pain...ooo. Observer: His fics make you cringe in terror.. Pearl: And he has the most annoying avatar in existence. [SOL] Tom: Neon Exodus Evagelion? Crow: Well, DJ Croft *is* annoying [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Come on, guys! That fic is nothing to his series of *STAR TREK* fics. Observer: Your favorite 'Terror to the 5th Power' Author, guys? [SOL] Mike: Uhh... Who? [Tom and Crow start shivering, knowing who it is.] Crow: You know, Mike... him. Mike: Who? Because with all this commotion, I forgot that one guy's name with the teenage trekkie girl as his avatar... [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Dammit, Nelspawn! You ruined my act! It's Stephen Ratliff! Geez! [SOL- The cast is cringing in fear] Mike: Yeah.. that's it. [Realizing who it is] Uh oh. Tom: Mike? Mike: Yes? Tom: We're in hell, right? Mike: Last time I checked... yes. Crow: AHHH!! NOOO!! [Runs off the screen] Mike: Pearl, how could you? Why torture us with another Marissa story? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Because it's FUN! Oh... It's not Star Trek. But you will know what the series is. I'll see you when you're on your knees. Ta! [SOL- Crow has just came back with a sheet of paper] Crow: Well, I just wrote my will. Mike, care to read it? [Mike takes it and reads it] Mike: To Tom, I leave the fact that I'm better than he is. Tom: HEY! Mike: To Gypsy, I leave my room to clean up. And to Mike, I leave the fact that I can and will decide who lives and who dies, even in death. Crow: Well, I thought it was pretty good. [Klaxons flash] Mike: Forget it, Crow. WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Door 6: It's a origami door. It turns into a goose and walks off.] [Door 5: It's Jay Leno's Chin. It blocks the doorway until you show it NWO Nightcap, in which it runs off.] [Door 4: It's a Small Soldier. You give it a Rodeo Burger and it walks off.] [Door 3: It's The Starship Enterprise. You hail them and say Romulans are attacking and they run off.] [Door 2: It's a Iceberg. You throw a model boat at it and it takes off after it.] [Door 1: It's a vault door. It swerves to the right and you stroll along.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Mike, carrying Tom, sits down in the middle, putting Tom in the third seat. Crow walks in and sits in the first seat) >Ranma - > >Unseen Signs All (singing): Where are the signs, where are the signs of life? >by Stephen Ratliff All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mike: Uh-oh. He's diversifying! Crow: So what, Genma's going to adopt an orphaned girl and have her become Queen of Nerima? Mike: Don't give him any ideas. >Author's Note: > This is a post volume 38 fan-fic Tom: Great. Maybe the rest of it will get lost in the mail. > and contains a resolution of the > Ranma/Akane relationship. Crow (monotone): Oh, there's a shocker. > You have been warned. Mike: (Ratliff) Oh... and please don't read this fic over a tempature of 200 degrees. Forgot to mention that. > >+++++ Mike: Look, it's the graves of the proof-readers! Tom: A moment of silence, please, for those brave souls. Tom: Thank you. > The sound of furniture began just as Kasumi stated dinner. All: (laugh helplessly) Tom : And right out of the starting gate . . . Mike: Even the furniture wants to get out of this story! Crow: Well, I could understand that if *Akane* was cooking. > Ranma and Akane had gotten home from a week long training trip earlier that > morning. Akane was rearranging her room. Tom: Probably using Ranma as the broom. > In Kasumi's opinion (not that she would ever say it) it was about time. Crow: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up a second there, Stephen. Kasumi has an opinion? Since when? > Other than a couple posters, nothing in Akane's room had changed since their > mother had died. Mike: So, the room hasn't been cleaned, bedsheets haven't been changed, and mold is breeding freely? Tom: Kind of like your room, Crow. Crow: Hey! > Kasumi's own room had gradually changed to match her personality. Tom: Okay, I'll say it. Vacuous and empty? > Nabiki's room had become spartan and functional, matching her needs. Crow: Translation: Containing nothing that anyone could blackmail *her* with. > "Put the desk over there, Ranma," Akane's voice filtered down the stairs. Mike (Akane): That's right, just a couple more steps forward, Ranma. . . Crow (Ranma): YAHHHHHH! *THUD!* Mike (Akane): Oopsie. Not *that* close to the window, baka! > Kasumi smiled. Her sister had learnt from Nabiki's last rearrangement > to fit in her new computer desk, namely to have someone else move the > furniture. Tom: Should've asked Kunou. He'd have broken his back for free! > The noise stopped. Moments later, Akane appeared at the kitchen door. Crow (various kitchen appliances): Oh God. . . it's her! Get ready to run! Tom (Can Opener): Switch to Defcon 1! Crow (Toaster): Blender... when she puts her hand in you, TURN YOURSELF ON!! Tom (Blender): Yes sir! >"Kasumi, Ranma's thirsty, can we have something to drink?" > "There is some juice in the refrigerator, Mike (Akane): It's not strawberry, is it? Crow (Kasumi): It's Lemonade! > and have some of the cookies as well, Akane," Kasumi said, lovingly slicing up > vegetables. Crow (opens beak) Mike: Don't even think about it. Crow (closes beak) > "Are you done rearranging your room?" Tom (Akane): Yes, and Ranma's vertebrae. Crow (Akane): By the way, Ranma needs a Chiropractor. Know any? > "Yes, sis," Akane said, pouring out two glasses and placing them on a >tray. Mike: That's quite a trick, Akane. Now, you want to pour some juice into those glasses? > She pulled out a several cookies Crow: Is that anything like Peak Freans cookies? > and put them on the tray as well. > "I'll come up and take a look when dinner is ready," Kasumi said as > Akane left the room All (imitating appliances): WHEW!! Crow (Toaster): We are out of Ground Zero! Break out the toast and PARTY!! > > After reading everything for dinner, Tom: So, dinner's in a text file tonight, is it? Crow: Either that or Kasumi's boning up on dinner conversation topics. > Kasumi went to call Akane and Ranma. Mike: She should really use 1-800-COLLECT. Crow: What about 10-321... or is it 10-321 + 1 or 10-10-321 or 10-10-321 + 1.... Oh never mind. > Normally she would have just called from the base of the stairs, Mike: Kasumi Tendo: Cook, daughter, Fifth Column leader for the Stair invasion. > but she was curious about how Akane had redone her room, especially since > Ranma had carried such a large load of packages up the stairs for her. Tom: And they were all marked: "Danger: Explosives" and "ACME products". > The door was closed. Akane's duck door plaque had been replaced Crow: Glad to see Akane's brushing between meals again. > with a black magnetic board. "Akane's Room" had been spelled out in crimson > letters in two straight lines. Tom (Kasumi): Hmmm. I wonder how the blood dried in so light a shade? Crow: Well, at least the lines are *straight*! >Kasumi knocked on the door. Akane's voice returned in a soft tone that she'd > never heard before, Crow: Whattaya think, Akane's finally going through puberty? > "Come in." > Kasumi opened the door. Tom: And the throw rug tossed her out the window. > Akane was sitting at her desk, staring at a sleeping Ranma who was leaning up > against the foot of Akane's Queen sized bed, Mike: And here goes Ratliff with that "Dominating Teenage Girl" theme again. > a pillow slid behind his head. Crow: Safe! At home. Tom: *He* thinks. > The room was missing nearly everything that had been left over Crow (high-pitched voice): Look out! Food escape! > from when her mother had been alive. Two paintings of landscapes covered >one wall. Mike: Usually it's Ranma doing live-action impressionistic art. > The bed was covered with a white bedspread, turned down to reveal a set of > crimson sheets. Tom: The nice thing about Ratliff is, he sure knows his colour schemes. All: Mmmmmm. . . . colour. > "Those sheets are going to bleed all over the wash," Kasumi said. Crow: We've secretly replaced Kasumi Tendo with her psychotic twin. Let's see if anyone notices. . . > "Ranma told me not to ever wash them with his underwear," Akane said. > "What do you think, sister?" Mike (Kasumi): I think you should be a liberated girl and make the man do his own laundry. But I'm not allowed to say anything in public. > Kasumi surveyed the room again. Dresser with new jewelry box on top. > Two desks, one with two pictures, mother and Ranma, and the other with > Akane's only. Tom: Mike, I'm scared. Mike: Why? Tom: I can't think of anything to say! Crow: Yeah, it's like Ratliff's been holding out on us! Grammar, punctuation, spellchecking! I'm confused. Mike: Well. . . > One night stand with a sturdy lamp. Wait a minute, two desks? > "Very nice Akane," Kasumi said. "But why the two desks?" Mike (Akane): One to write on, the other to smack Ranma with! > Akane looked nervous before saying, "Ranma always studies with me, and > I was tired of him always messing up my bed, Crow: Oh really? Mike: Let it go. Crow: Oh, all right. > so I suggested that he move his desk in here." She blushed slightly as she > explained. Tom (Akane): Sorry. I'm embarresed for picking such a crappy spot for the desk. > "I see you wore Ranma out," Kasumi commented. Mike: Let that one go too, Crow. > "Considering how hard we ... trained, I'm not surprised," Akane said. Tom: Uh-oh. Ratliff, you sly devil, you! Crow: We didn't know you had it in you man! > "I assume dinner is ready?" Kasumi nodded. "With all the complaints he's > made about my cooking this week, Crow: I can see it now. (Ranma): Too cold. . . too green. . . fights back too much. . . > it would serve the baka right if we let him sleep though it." Tom (Ranma): I'll just pretend to be asleep and get through the whole fic in no time! > "How was the training trip?" Kasumi said. Mike: Hey, not to be critical or anything here, but can we have a little more action and a little less talking? Crow (Ratliff): Oh... was it okay to give the rest of the crew a day off and the Action Coordinators a vacation? > "He insulted my cooking, my martial arts, and made me really mad," Akane > said. All (bored): So what else is new? > "I'm surprised that you didn't mallet him into space," Kasumi said. Tom: Let's give Akane a set of golf clubs and watch her pound Tiger Woods into oblivion, huh? Crow: Like that idea. Mike: Me too. > "He bet me that I couldn't go without malleting him a whole day," Crow: What would he get if he won? Mike: A malleting! Tom: Shhh! Guys, disparaging the mallet is a malletteable offense! > Akane said. "I said I could do it for at least a week if he cut down on the > insults. He said, 'why not go for a month.' Crow: Oh, it's the anime version of "He Said / She Said." Tom: The Lively Anime coming not-so-soon to a theater near you. > I agreed." > "Do you think you can do it?" > "As long as it's only him." Tom: Sure. Anyone else insults Akane, Ranma gets malleted. Makes sense. > "What about when he calls you an uncute tomboy?" Kasumi asked. Mike (Akane): Uh, what is a "cliche", Alex? > "Kasumi, if Ranma had been calling me beautiful and strong for the past > year, what would have happened?" Crow: The ACME Hammerspace Company would be broke and weeping openly right now. Tom: Then our lovable ACME company would move to help a certain Coyote. > "You'd be married by now." > "We weren't ready for that, and if you know his definitions, he has >been," > Akane smiled. All: Huh? Mike: Hey, you want to run that by me again? Tom: Nope. Then we'd have to read it again. > "When did you learn that?" Kasumi said, puzzled. > "The training trip," Akane replied. Crow: Otherwise known as overused Ranmafic plot device # 53. > "It's amazing what you can learn about someone without interfering fathers, > a nosy sister," Akane pulls out a severed end of a microphone. Mike: Oh no. Tense changes ahead. Better buckle up for safety, guys. (Mike reaches beneath the seat cushions and pulls out a seat belt. He buckles Tom in, then clicks his own together. Crow is already belted in.) > "Or Martial artists shouting 'Die Ranma' Tom (Sideshow Bob): No, no. That's German! "Die, Ranma, die!" > or people that think they are engaged to or married to either of us." Crow: And it's amazing how painfree a fic can be when there isn't an annoying, nameless, self-insertion godboy author up your wazoo. Mike: I'm just glad that a certain teenager of the Enterprise isn't in this. > Akane paused, apparently trying to control her temper. Mike: How about some exclamation marks or something to show that she's getting angry to begin with? > "Life is not fair," she said, looking back at Ranma. All: Tell us about it! > "I better put dinner on the table," Kasumi said. "If you'll wake up > Ranma?" Crow: "I"? Is that a subtle hint that Shampoo's secretly controlling Kasumi? Tom: Nope. Just no proofreading. Crow (sarcastic): Oh, brutally crush my dreams, would you? > > Monday morning, Kasumi was cleaning the hallway outside Akane's room, > when she noticed that the sign had changed. Tom: It now read: "Don't . . . eat the. . . sushi. . . Ughhhhhh. . ." Crow: The sign is a chameleon! > Between the 'e' in Akane and the apostrophe a capital 'S' had been inserted. Mike: Don't let it stand for "Self-insertion." Crow: Or "Stephen" > It now read, "Akane S's Room" Tom: Maybe Ratliff's taking a subtle jibe at his old spelling mistakes. All: Nahhhhhhh. > She wanted to ask Akane about it, but she and Ranma had already left for > school, and by the time they returned, Kasumi had forgotten about it. Mike (Kasumi): Ah, probably a plot point or something important like that. Who cares? Tom: I think Nabiki sells plot points for 30 dollars. > Tuesday found another 'a' on the board, and now it read "Ak ne's Ranma S oo" Crow: Ratliff must be using the old Scrabble bag for inspiration. > Kasumi wanted to ask Akane again, but she had just beat up Shampoo > somehow, Tom: Hey, *Kasumi* beat up Shampoo? COOL! Mike: No, Tom. I think he means that *Akane* beat up Shampoo. Tom: Drat. > and didn't look like she wanted to be bothered, so Kasumi decided to wait. Mike: I sense a pattern developing here. Crow: I'm still trying to figure out how Akane beat up Shampoo. Tom: Don't hurt yourself trying. > Wednesday added another 'a' and made it say, All (singing to tune of "That's Amore"): When you play, "What I Say?" very gay, won't you play that some more, Ray? > "Akane's Ranma S oo" Ranma and Akane spent most of that afternoon fighting > Mousse and Shampoo. Crow: Nice to know that Ratliff still does fight scenes the same way he does Star Trek battle scenes. Tom: Only this time, it's without the *pesky* Romulans. > The fight ended with the two being delivered to immigration authorities, Mike: Oh sure, Stephen. Think of the most *boring* conclusion to a fight you can possibly come up with, then implement it, huh? > and the two young martial artists fell asleep watching TV. Tom: Careful, Ranma. Too much radiation from the TV can cause shrinkage. > Until the fathers started making wedding plans that is. Soun and Genma > quickly received free tickets on Air Akane. Crow (PA): This is your captain speaking: We will be travelling at an arc of approximately 75 degrees. Velocity will vary with gravity. We invite you to enjoy our inflight movie, "Wyatt Earp." Thank you and enjoy your flight. Mike: Crow, "Wyatt Earp" is three hours long. Crow: I know. > Thursday found the plaque reading Tom: Quick, get the Listerine! > "Ranma's Akane Sa oo." > Ukyo went loco that day, Mike (Ukyou): RATLIFF! I want to renegotiate my contract!! Crow: Ooh! Darkfic! Tom: That's too much to hope for. Crow: Translation to the younger people: Ukyou went postal. Any Questions? > and Ranma and Akane spent the afternoon restraining her from harming > the other. Mike: The other WHAT? Come on, Ratliff, you're leaving us hanging here! > After she calmed down, they dropped her off Crow: A cliff. > at Ranma's mother's. Tom: Almost as bad. She'll force Ukyou to commit seppuku. > After dinner, Nodoka stopped by the dojo and had a man to kanata talk Mike: Kanata? That's part of Ottawa. I mean, if you *want* to talk to the whole high tech sector of Canada's capital city, go right ahead. . . > with Genma. Soun was still recovering from the bad landing that he had made > on the day before's trip on Air Akane. Tom Yeah, they made him smash his own luggage. Crow: I wonder how they are with Customs then. Mike (Akane): All right... Your inspection turned out okay, but I have to do one last thing... [imitates hammer whacking] > Neither Kasumi nor Nabiki were willing to annoy the exhausted martial artists > watching tv, though Nabiki did manage to snap a picture of Ranma with his arm > around Akane. Crow: And then Ranma put his arm around Nabiki and snapped her neck. Mike: Crow. . . Crow: Sorry. I'm bored. > Friday found the door reading, "Akane San's Ranma oo" Tom: Oh, that just says it all. Crow (Find the Fish): A-Fish, a-fish, a-fishey oooooo! All: OOOOOOO!! > The changing door sign really had Kasumi wondering. Mike: And she hoped that Akane would give her some of that marijuana, too. > Ranma came home carrying a protesting Akane. Tom (Akane): No more godboys! No more fanfics! Strike, strike, strike! > Nabiki told a tail of a long fight Mike: Okay, Ratliff. You've got grammar and spelling, now let's work on homonyms. Crow: Maybe it's Godzilla's tail! He has come to save us from this fic! Mike: I doubt it, Crow. > between them and the Kunos. It took so long, Tom: How long did it take? Crow (Mel Brooks): It took so *long*, that they called the fight on account of darkness! > that Kasumi didn't have time to ask Akane. > Saturday, Akane left early with Ranma. They didn't return until early > the next morning. Mike: Stephen Ratliff: Master of Suspense. > On Saturday, the door read, "Ranma & Akane San's oo" Sunday > that became "Akane & Ranma Santo's o" Tom: INTENSE. . . WEEKDAY. . . ACTION!! > Breakfast that morning was strange. First, Akane made omelets that > turned out perfectly. Crow: Second, the omelets took hostages. > But the real surprise came when Ranma tasted them. Mike (Robert Stack): Ranma Saotome was never heard from again. . . >"Wonderful omelets Akane, are there any more?" > "I believe there are, Ranma," Akane replied. "Everyone else seems to > prefer Kasumi's rice cakes." Mike: Rice cake, guys? Tom: Please. Crow: Why not? (All three munch rice cakes.) > "More for us then," Ranma said. > Everyone was looking at them strangely. Tom (Everyone): Uh, guys? You're. . . uh. . . glowing. Crow (Ranma): Uhh... Guys? Why are they staring at me as if I grown another arm. Oh looky here! I did! > "I don't think they believe I can cook," Akane said sadly. Crow: No, no, no. They don't *think*, they KNOW! > "I know I've made some really bad food, but can't they at least TRY it?" Tom (muttering): Only in a court of law. > "I always did," Ranma said, giving Akane a kiss. > Soon immediately broke down into tears, Mike: Soon. . . Immediately. . . Oh, crappy spellchecker. My mistake. > "My daughter's getting kissed. Tom: Ranma's getting hammered! Crow: He should lay off the hard lemonades. Tom: Wrong hammered, Crow. > She's finally getting married." Mike: Like a certain pig and frog? Tom: Obligatory obscure Muppets reference. > Akane and Ranma looked at each other. "Planned response?" Akane asked. > Ranma nodded. Crow (Ranma): FUBAR. Big time. > "Father, you and Mr. Santome have been trying to force Ranma > and I into this relationship since the day we met. We believe that that is > one of the reasons our relationship has been such a trying one. We'd like > that pressure to stop." > Ranma then took over, "So, effective immediately, Tom (Ranma): We're on strike. > there will not be a word or action concerning any wedding between me and >Akane Crow (Ranma): Pop, if I see you even *grinning* stupidly, I'll use your moth- eaten panda hide for a bedspread! > until we bring it up. The offender will be subject to penalty designated by > either of us." Mike (Ranma): You'll have to go through the spanking machine! > "Selling information which leads people to attack us will be subject Tom: To EXECUTION! Mike & Crow (stare at Tom) Tom: Or maybe just a fine. > to either a fine, or training session," Akane said. Mike: Good call. Tom: I still prefer execution. Add a little spice to this fic. > "You wouldn't" Nabiki said. > "I will," Akane said. Crow (Akane): Now surrender the punctuation. > "Five microphones and a video camera have been found poking into my room > in the past week. Mike (Akane): But that camera crew in my desk drawer was the last straw. > You can buy them back from me next month, maybe." Tom: Is it me, or is she starting to act like a certain blond friend of ours... All: *whimper* > The house was silent. All: (imitate crickets chirping) > "I think we shocked them, Akane," Ranma said. Mike: Better up the voltage a bit. > "I believe you have an appointment at Doctor Tofu's in a half an hour." Tom (Ranma): We have to rehearse for that lemon fic for tomorrow, remember? Crow (Akane): Of course! How could I forget? Mike: Guys. . . > "I didn't hurt my ankle that bad, Ranma," Akane said, as she was swept > up into Ranma's arms. > "What, you object to a trip by Air Ranma, Crow: Air Akane, Air Ranma. . . Is Ratliff a travel agent or does he just *desperately* need a vacation? > fastest transportation in Nerima?" Ranma said as he bounded out of the room. Tom (British accent): Take that, you bounder. *BIFF!* > Monday morning, it was Nabiki's turn Crow: To take a trip on "Air Ranma"? Mike: Not touching that one. > to discover the changed sign. > Kasumi had mentioned it after Ranma and Akane left. The sign was a mystery > to her. Nabiki didn't like mysteries, Mike: Especially if they involved Jean-Claude Van Damme. > especially when they involved two of her largest sources of income. Tom: Drugs and the casino racket. Crow: What about the 'Red Light District'? Mike: [groans] > If things changed, and the sign, which now read, "Akane's Ranma Santom &o" Crow (waiter): Tonight, I recommend the Akane's Ranma Santom! Verrrry tasty! > indicated that it had. What had happened during that training trip? Mike: Ranma-fic plot device #102, what else? > Why were they fighting Ranma's fiancees together? Crow: Because they wanted to be the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORRRRRRLLLLLDD! > Nabiki knocked on the door, but Akane didn't answer. Nabiki opened the > door Tom: The hammer fell. Crow (Nabiki): *CLANG!* Tom (Akane): "Clang?" Did you say "clang"? > to see if Akane was still sleeping. The room was empty. Mike: Except for the hiding members of the People's Front of Judea. > Nabiki heard Ranma's voice coming from the dojo. "A little faster, > Akane." Crow (Ranma): Try using *both* hands! Mike: Crow! Crow: Sorry, I was overdue for one. > As Nabiki walked down the stairs to see what they were doing in the > dojo, Genma's voice said, "Time for training, boy." Tom (Genma): Oh, never mind! I see Akane's giving you a workout! > "I am training, Pops," Ranma replied. > "You aren't fighting any one," Genma said, Crow (Daffy Duck as Ranma): Insulting my integrity, eh Fatso? Insinuating that I would flee this flea-bitten dump, EH Fatso? Intimating that I would abscond with your financial remuneration, EH FATSO? > as Nabiki reached the dojo door. Akane was by Ranma, who was bracing a > practice dummy for her. Mike (Ranma): Oh, stop whining, Kunou, and hold still! > Mr. Santome was behind him. > "Not that kind of training, Pops," Ranma said. Tom: Hentai. > "I'm going to be running the dojo someday. Mike (Akane): God help us all. > That means that I need to know how to teach. Practice is > the best way to learn. Akane is my student. I intend to teach her until she Tom: Dissolves into a quivering heap of jello at my feet! > is as good or better than me. If you'd like to join her, I can work you in." Mike (Ranma): It'll take a bathroom plunger, though. Genma was speechless. Crow: So am I. Come on, Ratliff, show me that you're in there! > "I think he wants to be worked in to your busy schedule, Ranma," Tom (Ranma): Well, let's see... 8:10 Eat breakfast... 8:15 Beat up Kunou... 8:16 Insult Akane... 8:23 Land in America courtesy of Hammerspace freight. Crow (Ranma): 9:00... Star in Lemon fic. 9:30.... Commit Suicide in fanfic 10:00 .... Insult Akane again.... > Nabiki said. This could be interesting. All: (yawn in boredom) > "Akane, what angle would you have to hit my father at, and how hard for > him to arrive at Doctor Tofu's," Ranma asked. Crow: Hammerspace equations! Spare me! > "56 degrees with an initial velocity of 75 meters per second," Akane replied. Tom: Trust Ratliff to take a comedic, cliched fanfic moment and turn it into dry dust. > "Assuming of course that he's not a panda, master." Mike (Ranma): Akane, I told you not to call me that outside my futon! > "Breakfast," Kasumi called from the house. Tom (P-chan): Bwee! Bwee! (Kasumi): Hold still, piggy! Crow: Stop it Tom! You're giving me *Three pages long* nightmares! > "You're lucky, Pops. Akane and I are too hungry to pursue this now," > Ranma said, turning to walk out the door. Mike: When you need someone to walk out a door, call Stephen Ratliff! He'll get them out of the room, hassle-free! > "You should never let hunger stop your challenges, boy," Genma said. Tom (Genma): So grab a Snickers and Wolf One Down! Crow: Blatant product plug # 1. Tom: Not really. I hate the things. > "I believe you are right. Akane?" Ranma said. Mike (Ranma): Eat Pop's foot. Crow: Mike, that was gross! Mike: Eh, bite me. > A big grin cover Akane's face Tom: You can get grin covers now? Crow: Sure. The spokesman is Hannibal Lecter. > as she malleted Genma out of the dojo. All: (shade their eyes) Crow: That went *way* out there! Way out! Tom: Mark McGwire, eat your little steroid-enhanced heart out. Mike: Tom. . . >She then turned back to Ranma and said, "Shall we stop for breakfast, master?" Crow (Akane): I suddenly have no free will. . . I kind of like it. > "Akane, drop the master," Ranma said. Mike (Akane): Okay. . . *CRUNCH!* Consider yourself dropped, *master*. > "Why? You did pass the test," Akane said. > "What test?" Nabiki asked, as they entered the dinning room. Tom (Ranma); Oh, I discovered I could use the force. I'm a Jedi Master now. Crow: BLASPHEMER! (Crow jumps across Mike and knocks Tom off his seat. The two begin wrestling out of sight on the floor of the theatre.) > "Akane suggested that I take a test to get an official ranking," Mike (Ranma): What does "Reject" mean, anyways? Hey, GUYS!! Quit it! (Tom and Crow resurface. Crow's headnet is skewed and Tom's bubbledome is dented.) Tom: He started it! Crow: Did not! Mike: Just sit down, both of you. (They take their seats again.) > Ranma said. "I passed." Crow: Out. > Tuesday, Nabiki found the door reading, Tom: That's one smart door. Better enroll it in Furinkan High. Crow: The door graduated Yale with a 4.0 average and is now the tutor of doors across Japan. > "Ranma Santome's Akane &o" Crow: Inflatable Akane! Comes in Kawaiikune and Kawaii models! Order yours today! > She immediately set up a betting pool on how long it would take Mike: For the Ranma cast to collectively write their first Ratliff-revenge fic. > Ranma to propose to Akane, wishing that she had done so earlier. Tom: Nabiki. . . proposing to Akane. . . Heh heh heh (dome begins to smoke) Crow: Ooh, nice plot twist. Sick, but nice! Mike: Guys. . . Crow: Oh, come on, Mike. We have to riff something! Besides, even you have to admit that would be. . . Mike: Disgusting? Crow: Well. . . yeah! But innovative! > Both Ranma and Akane smiled when they heard. Tom (Ranma): Great! You're marrying Naibki? I get Shampoo! Mike: Tom! Tom: Bite me, Nelson. He deserves Shampoo. > Nabiki found Akane waiting for her in her room after school. She was entirely > too calm. Crow: Finally someone snapped. Go on, Akane, kill em all and let the self- insertion characters sort them out. > "I hear you were starting marriage rumors, Nabiki," she said, idly spinning one > of Nabiki's pens between her fingers. All (chanting): Kill the bookie! Kill the bookie! Kill the bookie! > "I merely responded to the needs of the market," Nabiki said. Crow (Nabiki): That's the last time I buy Canadian dollars. > "So that's what you call setting up a pool Mike (Akane): Do you think you could add a diving board and waterslide? Pretty please? > on when Ranma will propose to me," Akane said. > "It was an opportunity that I should have taken a long time ago," Nabiki > said. > "Probably," Akane acknowledged. "But you just when against Ranma Tom (Nabiki): I *what* against Ranma? Honey, if you got it, flaunt it! > and my requests, so we'll have to find some way to better occupy your time. Mike: Full contact origami, anyone? > Tomorrow morning you'll be joining Ranma and I in the dojo. Crow: For a nice healthy dose of lemon! Mike: Crow. . . Crow: Mike, it's very theraputic. > You really should have kept up on your training, Nabiki. Especially with all the > master martial artists around Neimia." Tom: Come on. Nabiki doesn't need to fight! She's a blackmailer! If anyone pissed her off, they'd regret it and they all know it! No one wants to tangle with her! RATLIFF, YOU'RE WARPING EVERYONE AGAIN!! PUT SOME FIGHT SCENES IN!! SPLASH SOMEONE WITH SOME WATER!! DO SOMETHING TO SHOW THAT THIS IS THE RANMA SHOW WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE! . . . . *puff puff* Mike: Nice one, Tom. Tom: Thanks. *wheeze* > "Why do I get the feeling that I'm getting off easy?" Nabiki said. Crow: It could have been the mallet. > "We'll see if you think that tomorrow," Akane said. "We'll let you > continue with that pool, Mike (Akane): And then we'll fill it up with concrete while you're still shovelling. > and I'll guarantee that the house will win big." Tom: Ah, that means that the company that does all their home repairs will finally get paid! > Wednesday, Soun discovered the door sign reading, Mike: "Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang." Crow: The door finally got its grade six? > "Ranma & Akane Santome's Ro" Tom: If he goes *anywhere* near Star Trek, I will hunt him down! > He spent the morning in tears of joy. His only words were, Mike (Soun): Get me out of here! > "look at the sign." > > Thursday morning, Nokoda was reading the sign, Tom (Nodoka): "Dear Mom, get stuffed"? > which said, "Akane & Ranma Santome's Roo" Bots: AHHHHH! Winnie the Pooh Flashback! Crow: If Christopher Robin comes in here, I'm leaving! > when Akane burst out of the room and ran to the bathroom. Mike (Akane): Run for it! The sheets are bleeding in the wash! > Nokoda followed her at a slower pace. She found Akane throwing up in the > toilet. > "Has my son been starting his husbandly duties early," Nokoda said. Crow (Akane): Why do you think I'm so disgusted? Mike: Ouch. Low blow, Crow. Tom: Crappy poem, Mike. > "Sorry, I can't answer that," Akane said between heaves. Crow (Akane): BLEEEEAAAAHHHH! Hey, I don't remember eating that! > "Ranma and I are trying to get rid as many problems as we can before we tell > anyone about the events of our training trip." Mike (Akane): Ranma won the 100 meter handstand dash, but I managed to take first in the Hammerspace throw. > "With the number of problems my son has been involved with, that could > be a while," Nokoda said. Tom (Nodoka): Those silly Mafia boys just don't know when to give up, do they? > "Actually, we've just got the Kunos left, Crow: Everything else was sold in the first ten minutes. > assuming that our China plan works," Akane said. Tom (Akane): We've ordered the best china available! Crow (Akane): We ran out of the Pfaltzglass though. Got any? Mike: I don't think anyone will get that joke, Crow. > "You helped us with Ukyo. Shampoo, and Mousse were deported, All: DEPORTED?? Tom: Come on! Brutally slaughtered, hospitalized, missing, maimed, or given over to the Humane Society, I can stand! But deported? How. . . bureaucratic. Crow: Looks like someone didn't follow the warning on 'Beavis and Butthead'. > so they should be out of the way for long enough for everything to be set. >Royga married Akari. Crow: Just like that? With no setup? Ohhhh, I hate you, Ratliff. Mike: We should be grateful that it was Royga and not Ryoga. > I just wish Kuno and Kodachi would give up." Tom (Kunou): At such a solemn time, dear author, I wouldst tell you to BITE ME!!! > > Friday morning, the sign said, "Ranma & Akane Santome's Room" Mike: Someone want to shut that sign up? Tom: Umbrella Inc. Signs did not go too well in Japan. >Everyone had found out by the time Akane and Ranma entered the dinning room, > holding hands. Crow (Ranma & Akane): Hey, we found these cold hands in our bed this morning. They belong to anyone? Mike (Ranma): Free hands! Get them while they're hot! > Ranma had a manila envelope in his other hand, Mike: He had just discovered that he was an Instant Millionare. Tom: He will be paid a penny a day until the year 54,200. > and was looking at Akane like she was a doll made of finest china. Tom: Then she was a can opener, all shiny and metal! > Everyone looked up expectantly. They knew some announcement was going to > made. Crow: They were hiring a maid? Mike: No, Crow. > Kasumi was just bringing in breakfast, and Nokada had been talking to Genma. Tom: Genma was cringing and begging for his life, as usual. . . > Soun and Nabiki had been discussing the dojo's finances and Ranma's expansion > plans. Mike: Hey, Ranma's franchising! Crow: Or he's been eating so much that they have to put more notches on his belt. > "We have an announcement to make," Akane said. All (singing): Announcements, announcements, AnNOU-ENCEments! > At that, Cologne came All: EWWWWW! > entered in the tradition of Amazon Women, though the wall. Tom: Had been reinforced with ACME Triple Strength Battleship Armour. Crow: Guaranteed for the Roadrunner to get away from the Coyote ANYTIME! > "What have you done to Shampoo and Mousse?" she said. Crow (Akane): Check the shower stall. Mike: Crow! Crow: What? That was clean! Mike: Oh, yeah. > "I'll let Nabiki handle that," Akane said. > "Shampoo and Mousse were turned over Tom: Covered with eggs and flour and baked for fourteen minutes. Crow (Southern Accent): Them good cooking! > to immigration authorities after last Wednesday's fight," Nabiki said. "Ranma > asked me to look into their status, and I couldn't find any visas issued. Crow (Nabiki): *Everyone* knows I take only American Express. > So after last Wednesday's fight, the immigration officers took them. I'm surprised > it took a week for you to find out." Mike: Yeah, well, Cologne's been doing some of her own "herbal remedies" Crow (Cologne): Oh, wow, I *am* Metaluma! Tom (Cologne): Actually, I've just been renaming Ricola and selling it, but anyway... > "Getting slow in your old age, old ghoul?" Ranma taunted. Tom: Smite his happy gender-changing butt, Cologne. Crow: Isn't 'smiting' Marissa's job though? Tom: Well, it is still a Ratliff fic. Crow: Oh yeah. > Cologne attempted to rap All: GAHH! Crow (Cologne rapping) This idiot name Ranma Saotome, won't even marry my little Shampoo-ey. He thinks she's a freak and all that crap, but then I shall fix that! Mike: Very.... lame, Crow. Tom: And don't talk about Shampoo like that! Crow: Stuff it, Trekkie. > Ranma on the head, saying, "Show some respect for your elders, son-in-law." > "That's one title you can't call me anymore," Ranma said. Mike (Ranma): But I can still be your "Little Jusenkyou Boy Toy." > "Don't be so sure, son-in-law," Cologne said. > "Honored elder, please sit down," Akane said, trying to act like Kasumi. All: (Guffaw) Crow: Akane's impersonation career was cut short after this fanfic. > "I think you'll be surprised with Ranma Tom (Akane): I mean, the things he can do with his. . . Mike: Tom! > and my announcements." All (singing): Announcements, announcements, AnNOU-ENCEments! > "Astounded is more like it," Ranma grinned. Crow (Ranma): God, I'm good. Tom: Would it be ok to do a Duke Nukem joke here? Mike: Probably not... they are overused anyway. > "Right," Akane said. "For the last three weeks, all attempts at getting > Ranma and I together have been unnecessary." Mike (Ranma): I discovered I loved ME more! > "Akane and I got married the second day of our training trip," Ranma > said, pulling the certificate out from the envelope. Tom: Anyone NOT surprised? (Mike & Crow put up their hands.) > "You couldn't wait for a nice ceremony, could you?" Nokoda said. Crow (Ranma): Come on, Mom. You know I don't look good in white lace! Tom: Yeah... and if they did someone would have had a little squirt gun aiming at Ranma. Crow: Bad thought, Servo. > "Mom, considering the last attempt, I couldn't afford to arrange a nice > ceremony," Ranma replied. Tom (John Cleese): Even if they had a mariachi band and a conjurer! > "The only way we were going to get married safely, is on the spur of the moment, > which is what we did." Mike: That's our Ranma and Akane, as wild and impulsive as always. > "A Japanese wedding has no effect on Amazon law," Cologne said. All: Of course. Crow: Cologne, go soak the wrinkles out of your head. > "We thought you might say that," Akane said. > "And since the fact that we are Japanese and in Japan doesn't seem to impress > you," Ranma said. Crow: Doesn't impress the idiots over at DiC, either. Tom: And Saban.... Mike: That's a odd thing to hear from your mouth, Tom. I mean I thought you liked the Power Rangers. Tom: I do! They screwed up Dragonball Z though. > "We decided to see if there was a way to end this mess in Amazon Law," Tom: So they brought in Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick! > Akane said. "Fortunately, Amazon.com had 'The Complete Laws of the > Amazons' in stock. Ranma?" All (sit in stunned silence) Crow (slowly): Y'know. . . that was actually. . . pretty good. Tom: Yeah. Exkeys mew. I link I teed go to and die nown. (Tom topples off his seat and onto the theater floor.) Ranma handed Akane a rather large book with several bookmarks in it. Mike (Ranma): Here, the Ranma-fic book of fanfic plot contrivances. Crow: Order your copy for the latest fads in Plot Holes and such! > "Marriage Law, section 25, paragraph 4, annulment of marriage. Crow: Divorce Proceedings: Take two large bonbori and proceed to smash every extremity belonging to the ex-husband. This includes, of course, his... Mike (wincing): Stop right there, Crow. > If the said Amazon woman does not consummate the marriage before the man > makes another Tom (woozily, from the floor): Out of cheese... Mike: Tom, you okay? Tom: Give me a moment. Crow: Poor guy... > with child, the marriage is considered to have never taken place. Ranma, Doctor > Tofu's report." Mike: Wait, Ranma and Dr. Tofu are in the book of the Amazons? Crow: Yeah. Ranma's under the "Extenuating Circumstances" section. Mike: Where would Dr.Tofu be? Crow: Uh... Maybe he's a part of the Witch Doctor Club or something. > Cologne looked over the document. Mike (Cologne): Nice dartboard, guys. > "It seems everything is in order," Cologne said. "I will take my leave now." > "Wait, old ghoul," Ranma said. Crow (Ranma): Don't I get a kiss goodbye? (Tom hovers back up from the floor and takes his seat.) Tom: Ow. I'm not doing that again. > "You may not want to return to your tribe at the moment." > "Why would I," Cologne said. Mike (Cologne): yeah, why *would* I? What the. . . hell am I saying? > "You see, Ranma and I have been going over your laws," Akane said. Crow (Akane): With a tow truck. > "It seems that in the course of you visit to Japan, Tom: Oh, the ghost of Shampoo is making her presence known. > you've been quite busy. Before Mousse left, I gave him a copy of all the offenses > that you and Shampoo committed. Crow (Akane): Let's see. . . playing Pauly Shore movies, cutting spaghetti with a knife, and. . . You SOLD ANIME TO DISNEY!? HAMMERSPACE ATTACK! *makes sounds of violent destruction.* Tom (Ranma): Oh... and you have a crush on Richard Simmons. That's a MAJOR offense. You can get life in hell for that. > I happen to know that he will be convincing Shampoo to plead that Tom: She was drunk at the time. Mike: She didn't see the stop sign. Crow: They were all crimes of passion. > it was all your fault. Mike: Sure, blame the helpless little 3000 year old granny. Tom: It's the chair for you, Cologne! Crow [Singing]: Flash before my eyes... Now it's time to die!! > The hearing was scheduled for a couple hours ago. Crow: Then Shampoo ran into the Kissing Judge. Mike & Tom: Ewwww. > I'm sure the results will be in your e-mail shortly, honored elder." Tom: Unfortunately, Cologne was using AOL and it took another 3000 years. Crow (AOL voice): You've got death warrant! Tom (AOL voice): Oh... and 1,000 spam letters too. > Cologne fumed, as she speed off to her restaurant. Mike: Next, on "How to Write a Fanfic", we'll show you tense formats and just how dirty something can sound if it's done wrong. So stay tuned! > "Akane, did you just say what I think you said," Nabiki asked, Crow (Nabiki): Can I have some more question marks, please. I'm out. > as the room sat in stunned silence. Tom: Looks like Dinobot gave the whole chat room the stunner again. Mike: Tom, no one's going to get that one. Tom: So? > "What did you think I said?" Akane said. Mike: Oh, it's a game of Telephone! > "That you married Ranma and are having his child," Nabiki replied. Tom (Akane): No, I said that I *buried* Ranma and am very wild! Mike (Akane): No, I said that I *ferried* Ranma across the ocean mild! Crow (Akane): No, I said that I *carried* Ranma to have his teeth filed! > It was to that line, that Kuno entered, his sword drawn. Mike (director): And. . . cue cliched Kunou entrance! All (reciting): "How dare you dishonor Tendo Akane with your vile sorcery," > "How dare you dishonor Tendo Akane with your vile sorcery," he yelled. Mike: We've been up here too long. Crow: No argument from me. Tom: I just hope Mike has the number to Dr.Katz. We may need it. > "Since when is making love to your wife considered dishonorable," Ranma said, Tom: When you fall asleep before getting your pants off? Crow: Or when you fall asleep before first base? > dodging the blow. Instead of hitting Ranma, the sword imbedded itself in the table. Crow: No good! It's a wooden sword, Ratliff! Tom: Well, it may be a stryofoam table though, Crow. > Kuno immediately went into shock. Mike (Dark Kasumi): Oh dear, how did that exposed power cable get under that table? Tom: Nelson, you okay? Mike: I'm fine. It's the fanfic. > He stood upright, his face blank, his mouth open. Tom: Ahem. That should read "His *mind* blank." Crow: No... that's already happened. > Clearly, Kuno was not prepared for Ranma's words. Mike: Face it, Kuno's just not prepared for Ranma, period. > Nabiki soon took charge. "Come here, Kuno-chan," she said. Crow (Nabiki): Yum-yums, Kunou-chan! > "Perhaps I can explain it to you." Tom (Nabiki): Now, Kunou, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much.. [Crow snickers] > "For a suitable fee, of course," Ranma interrupted. > "Of course, no one listens to free advice," Nabiki said. Mike: Ask any good psychiatrist. Crow: But wouldn't they be asking you what is 4 Down on their crossword puzzle though? Mike: Good point. > "Who does that leave?" Akane asked. Crow: Us. In pain. The end. Mike: Nice try, Crow. > "Well the other Kunos are in Hawaii, so you won't have to worry for a > while," Nabiki said, pulling Kuno toward the door. Mike: By his ankles. Crow: Sure. See, when the head bangs the steps, the brain thinks twice. Mike: Ow. Tom: If it's Kuno though, the brain could just skip like a CD. > "Then Akane and I can get to school and finally Tom (Ranma): Take that Co-Ed Health Class! > correct our records,"Ranma said. Crow (Ranma): Bob Dylan. What was *I* thinking? > He attempted to pick up his wife, Mike (Ranma): Hey, babe. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again? > but she danced away. All: Cha-cha-cha! > "Ranma, I can walk myself," Akane said. Crow (Ranma): Okay, but don't forget your leash! > > > Tom: What? Is it over? > > > Mike: I think so. Crow: Woohoo! Let's get outta here! (Picking up Tom, Mike leaves the theater. Crow follows them out.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Reverse Door Sequence] [SOL Bridge- Mike, Tom, Gypsy, and Crow are all on the bridge. Crow is dressed as Colgne (GAH!), Gypsy is Shampoo, Tom is Akane, and Mike is Ranma. Each are wearing wigs and the clothing of that charecter. Mike/Ranma picks up Tom/Akane] Tom/Akane: Come on, Ranma. I can walk myself. Mike/Ranma: [Puts Tom back down] Well, sorry. I was just trying to be affictionist! Tom/Akane: Oh really? Then why weren't you like that before! Always calling me a Kawaiikune Tomboy and such! Mike: At least I can cook a pop tart! And those omlettes in the fridge has already started mutating into something similar to those Mutant Tomatoes! Tom: Oh yeah? Well... Well... Your training sucks! Mike: HEY! Crow/Cologne: [rapping] Yo Ranma! What's up Home G? I'm back from my testimony! I was found Not-Guilty, so I came back. And now Shampoo shall do her attack! Everybody say 'Uh!' for Master C! Gypsy/Shampoo: You no get along with Akane? Well, Shampoo want you! We can listen to Richard Basehart on date! Mike: Whoa! I'm already married to.. Tom: So you're cheating on me, eh Ranma? That's it! I'm calling Kenneth Starr right now! [leaves the bridge] Mike: But.. Akane! I'm sorry! [Suddenly, The MADs light flashes] Crow: [Still rapping] Hey look, Mike. The Trio's calling. I guess they think that we are falling. They think we're falling to our knees, but what a surprise they shall see! *MMph* *Mpph* BREAK IT DOWN! *Mph* *Mph* BREAK IT DOWN! [Mike hits the button and the Hexfield comes onto the scene of Castle Forrester, with Pearl and the rest are still drinking wine.] Pearl: Bobo! You're not supposed to do the cork like that! Bobo: Sorry, Lawgiver! But I didn't know the cork would shoot out! [Pearl looks and sees that Mike, Crow, and Gypsy are there] Pearl: Hey, Nelson! Is this what you are like when you are insane? Oh, wait... you're always like that. [Pearl realizes what happened] You're not insane, are you? Bobo! Bobo: Yes Lawgiver? Pearl: You told me that fic would drive them nuts! Bobo: Well... Uhh.. Pearl: Aw Hell! You can't do anything right! Bobo: Forgive me, Lawgiver! Pearl: Brain Guy? Give us the bill for the wine before I beat Bobo to death. Observer: Yes, madam. [Shakes his head and makes the bill appear. Pearl takes it.] Pearl: Let's see.. 1800 red wine, 1801 white wine, 1980 grabe wine, 12 pack of beer.... [Pearl looks at the price and faints.] Observer: Pearl? Bobo: Lawgiver? Observer: Well, it can't be THAT bad! [Looks at the price and faints as well] Bobo: Now what's with them? [Grabs the bill] The Bill is only 200,000 dollars! [Realizes it and faints as well] ____________________________________________________________________________ [Feel free to hum the ending theme now] Give any comments to CrowBar at: MakoReno@aol.com Give any comments to NightBreak at: cadz0001@algonquinc.on.ca Endnotes by Nightbreak: Just an add on here. The story you have just read is unfinished. Upon contacting Stephen Ratliff, I learned that he wasn't happy with any of the endings he had thought of. But someone wanted his story posted *so* much (Nani?) that he sent it up. So we finished it for him in the host segment. I appreciate the man's patience.