Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 201 "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy," Chapters Three and Four Original by Benjamin Hutchins and MegaZone, for Eyrie Productions MiSTed by the 1-Up Mushrooms: possessor of a Mark II Angel Heart, Alair senior at Seven Sisters High School, Alicia Ashby your favorite DJ savior, Patrick "eonsinger" Bradley head MC of the Watangi Clan, the Black Snotling keepin' it *extra* real, *as usual*, Nicholas Eckert Riboflavin's sidekick, Alex Fauth the Lifetime Wild Guy, TV's Gavok star of _The Crying Game_, Oniko Hakubi the bellhop at the Hotel Zack, Geson "Racewing" Hatchett appearing courtesy of Maverick Records, Austin Loomis the One Who Returned Alive From the Nightmare, S.D. Ryukage the vampire with a soul, John "R.Jak" Stoddert Singapore's sugar daddy, Arlieth Tralare intern at Muppet Labs, Scott "W4" Watson and me, the sole member of ACROSS, Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Compiled by Austin "Aggravated Assault" Loomis Edited by Thomas Wilde ======================================================= DISCLAIMER Season two of Mystery Octagon Theater 3000 is here with something halfway between a bang and a whimper! We are, as usual, a somewhat nonstandard MiSTing group, with the accessibility of a fever dream and the continuity of surrealist art. This MiSTing, another drag off of the six-foot wet bomber joint that *is* "Warrior's Legacy," is rated R for extreme profanity and Spanish ninjitsu. =================================================================== WAITING... WAITING... Wanderer, AoD and Falconer sat around the cafeteria, drinking their respective beverages. Besides five full minutes of slurping and heavy sighing, they didn't make a sound. "Say," Falconer said. The others continued drinking and heavily sighing for about two minutes. Falconer inserted his drink straw into his bushy beard and slurped. How they spent all this time drinking without any refills is anyone's guess. "Anyway," he began again. "The ratings came in. We did pretty well. Number three on the Nielsen's." Wanderer took a loud, mostly empty sip of his coffee. This lasted for about thirty seconds. "You don't say. Can I see the list?" Before Falconer could even grab it from under the table, Wanderer yelled, "Today, Falconer!" "All right! Hold on." Falconer handed him the printed results of the Nielsen ratings. "Hey, neat! We're number three *again*! The only guys before us are Urien's Dance Party and, uh... Multi... Multi... Wow, this is a big word." "Multimediocre?" AoD asked. "No, it's not--" AoD burped loudly, interrupting the statement. "No, it's not that. It's Multi... pass. Something, something Council. Wait... Falconer, how old is this list?" "I don't know. From '97?" "Well, do you have anything from this week?" "Oh, you don't want that." "Falconer, I'm this close to trimming your beard with my sword. And you're next." "Fine! Here!" Falconer angrily handed Wanderer a long, white sheet of paper with a red circle at the bottom. Wanderer looked over the list. "Where's my name on here?" "The bottom." "That's impossible. I'm a hit sensation. I can't be right above Oro's Half Hour of Hip Gyrating." AoD peered over. "You're not. You're two spots below him." "You're telling me that the public would rather watch a homely prune, who has to be over a century and a half years old, and is wearing a collection of dirty rags, gyrate his hips for about twenty-two minutes plus commercial breaks?" AoD spent a full minute taking a sip from It's mug. "It knows It would. He gets better guests." Wanderer lowered his head and pounded the table. "Where did we go wrong?" "Well, for starters," said Falconer, "our biggest guests of the last season were Captain Kidd and Beans." Burghy suddenly jumped into frame. "Did somebody say 'beans'?" AoD tossed his coffee mug at Burghy. "AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT HURTS! YOU'RE MEAN! WAAAAH!" Wanderer was deep in thought. "What we need is a new direction." He popped up. "I know! We'll change our show to a story about Kim Kaphwan and his quest to reform all the bad guys of--" "It's been done," Falconer told him. Then he looked inspired. "But... what if, instead of Kim Kaphwan, we use a monkey in a muumuu? Yeah! I can see it now!" Wanderer crossed his arms. "That's stupid, Falconer. It's stupid because it's... stupidacular. Hm... what's on the top in the ratings?" AoD looked at the list. "Reruns of MMK and Gavok's stupidacular Japanese shows." Wanderer scratched his chin. "They should make new episodes of those." Falconer held his hands behind his back and looked down at the screaming Burghy. Burghy had, in fact, been screaming in pain for the last minute or so. "Uh, they can't make new episodes. We have them prisoner, remember?" "Oh yeah. I'm planning on making them fight tigers, once the eBay deal goes through. Tigers." Wanderer looked away from his partners and upward. "...tigers..." There was a pause for about half a minute, filled with Burghy screaming in pain. "So anyway, why don't we just steal the ideas from one of their shows? Then we'll surely get the ratings!" AoD stopped sipping from a second mug of coffee. "First you get the ratings. Then you get the power. Then you get the women." Falconer looked the list over again. "Well, why don't we go with a show like Gavok's?" "Feh. Feh, I say! How, I ask you, are we going to fit tigers into a show like that? It would... it would be..." "Stupidacular?" AoD suggested. "Yes! I say we go with Howard's deal. We have the stuff; we should just make some poor saps watch a bad fanfic. Like that Hutchins thing with Sakura." Falconer gave a mix between a sigh and a grunt. "And what about the tigers you're so hung up about?" "Falconer, Falconer, Falconer. ...Falconer. Still talking about tigers, are we? You're living in the past, man! This is the '90s. Catch up... dude." "But it's the year two thousand and--" "Listen, the fact is, we're wasting time. We need some more prisoners. Who do we have so far?" AoD told him. "The Knight, Gavok and Arlieth. That's it." "That's it? Hm... where am I going to get a couple more victims?" Wanderer looked at Falconer, AoD and the screaming Burghy. "We'll pound you," Falconer threatened. Wanderer looked in Burghy's direction. "And him?" Falconer looked at him too. "There's a chance he lost his sight. We should probably find others." Wanderer agreed. "But where?" Just then, Racewing the intern walked in dressed exactly like Wanderer. "Anybody want a refill?" Falconer broke the table over Racewing's head. Race immediately passed out. "There's one more." Wanderer scoffed. "You can't make me believe that Racewing is a tiger." "He's not a tiger! He's another victim for the show!" "Oh. Good work, then." AoD pounced onto Racewing's unconscious body and began to viciously punch him with It's fists, like they were pistons. It didn't even have an angry look on Its face. But you couldn't tell from the beating It gave. "That's enough, AoD," Wanderer said while pulling him off. "I think he's under." AoD nudged Racewing's arm with Its foot. "Look. He moves." "Take this, tenacious intern!" Wanderer began kicking Racewing many times in the ribs. "Okay, I think that did it." Burghy raised his hand while lying on his back and stopped screaming. "Can I kick him too?" "No!" Wanderer yelled back. "Please?" "Okay, but make it quick. We have a show to do." The scene changed to a neat CG sequence of the television studio, accompanied by the theme song by the famous medieval rock group, "Man or Lizard Man." In an unseen recording booth, S.D. Ryukage (call her "Super Deformed" and she'll kill you) read her lines into the microphone. "Hey everybody! This is SD Ryukage, and welcome to 'Wanderer: Coast to Coast!' Today, we... uh... I'm sorry. Usually, there's a list of guests. But instead I was handed these torn-out encyclopedia pages about tigers. So I have no clue about-- oh, hey, AoD. Do you know who's on the show tonight?" "You." *WHAM* *thud* *grunt* AoD grabbed the microphone. "And now, the fucktard himself, Wanderer." Then It picked Shady up, slung her over Its shoulder and bolted. In the main set, Wanderer jumped into frame from above and waved to the viewers. "Hey! Welcome to my show. Tonight we have some very special guests." He turned to his left. "AoD, did you drop them in?" AoD breathed heavily as It got settled back into the keyboard station. "Yeah... they're... *whew*... they're just waking up..." In his booth, Falconer was surprised. "That was a lot of running for less than a minute. I mean, you went up three flights up stairs, down five to drop Shady off, then two more to get back here." "It... knows..." Wanderer looked at AoD slouched over. "You don't look so well. Falconer, get the bastard something to drink." "Blood. With ice." Wanderer sniffed the air. "What's the smell?" He looked at AoD again. "Hey, you didn't tell me you sweat sulfur. That's neat!" ======== Meanwhile, Racewing and SD Ryukage woke up in pain with no idea of the pain they were about to endure. "Where am I?" they asked in unison while tending to their wounds. Arlieth sprang to their sides. "You're awake! Thank God! Normal people!" Race rubbed his head. "Huh? 'Normal people?'" "Hey!" MMK yelled from high above. He and Gavok were both posing on top of two separate pillars. MMK had his hands to his sides in a gun-like shape while Gavok was pointing at himself with his thumbs. "Since they're awake, does this mean we're not allowed to deliver a Swanton/Five Star Frog Splash combo?" Arlieth grabbed Racewing and Ryukage by the arms in preparation to pull them away. "Yes!" "Yes, we can jump, or yes, we're not allowed?" Gavok wondered. "The latter!" "What did he say?" Gavok asked MMK. "I think he says he wants us to jump off ladders." MMK called down. "We can't fit ladders up here! There's not enough room to hold them up!" Arlieth grew annoyed quickly. That was understandable considering how long he was stuck with the loons. "No! I said I forbid you from delivering Swantons and Five Star Frog Splashes to Racewing and Ryukage!" Gavok and MMK shrugged. "Ah well," the Vok said. "Plan B." He turned around and flipped back off the pillar. Arlieth pulled Race and Shady away just in time for Gavok to belly flop the cement floor with a loud crunch. "What did I just tell you?!" Arl demanded. "Hey, man. You didn't say anything about moonsaults." Gavok could hear the sound of something falling above him. *crunch* MMK stood back up. "And you never said anything about Swantoning Gavok." Shady snapped out of her stupor and fumed at the sight of the tuxedo-clad madman. She tried rushing him, but Racewing and Arlieth pulled her back. She stopped trying and merely shook her fist at MMK. "I wish I could tear him apart!" She could have sworn she saw Gavok standing right behind her, mimicking her actions, but when she turned around he was already gone. Huh. MMK shrugged. "Well at least she didn't say, 'You... you're Geese!' Like I haven't heard that joke a hundred times. I mean just because you happen to share the last name of an evil martial--" Racewing interrupted. "What the hell is going on? Why are we stuck in here?" The movie screen turned on to the image of Wanderer smiling. "Greetings!" Gavok did his best impression of the Shade, which wasn't so hard considering his appearance. "Thomas Wilde. The plot thins." Arlieth groaned. "Is it a rule that everyone but me gets to do this gig?" "Why did you throw us in here, Wanderer?" Race asked as he removed his Wanderer head accessories and put his green cap back on. "A new direction for the show. I suggested making this a reality show, but you know AoD. Always trying to destroy reality. Heh heh heh. Hoo boy. So we decided to kidnap the five of you and force you to watch more of Hutchins's work." All in the theater except MMK shrieked. "HUTCHINS!?" "Yes, Hutchins." MMK thought to himself for a second. "He's the guy who writes himself as a cube who could kill Akuma on a whim if he felt like it, right?" "Yes," Wanderer repeated. "Him." MMK smiled. "Oh. Well, fuck you too, then." Wanderer continued. "We'll record your time in there and broadcast it across the globe. Isn't that right, AoD?" "It's true. It *does* want to destroy reality." "Isn't that right, Burghy?" "My face still smells like coffee!" "Isn't that right, Falconer?" No answer. "Falconer?" Falc was in his director's booth flipping through the channels. "I can throw that. I can throw that. I have thrown that. I can throw that. I plan on throwing that after the show. I can throw that. I... give me another week in the gym. I can throw that. I have thrown--" "Falconer!" "Huh?!" "Stop playing around. We have a show to do." Falc growled like a bear being woken up from hibernation. "Fine. Oh, and your wife is on the line." Wanderer paused in shock. "My--my wife? I... uh... I don't have a wife." "You're married?" AoD asked incredulously. "Listen, this is a farce!" Wanderer glared, stone-faced, into nothing. "Hey, look! It's our friend the Rappin' Black Snotling!" The Black Snotling, dressed in a backwards cap, basketball jersey, sunglasses, gold rings and necklaces, crossed his arms and bounced to the beat. "Well, I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say, That Wanderer's show is A-okay! He's gonna make the other guys watch the fic, And then he'll make a buck watching them get sick! Word." Wanderer was sitting at his desk by the end of the rap. "That was 'solid,' Snotling. So can you 'kick it' with some 'words' on Warrior's Legacy?" "We-e-e-e-e-e-e-llllll... I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say, I don't envy Vok and MMK! Because if the first two chapters reeked like potty, Then this'll be pain, take it from Snotty!" "What a 'fly' 'jam' that was. Do you have any more lyrics for us, Rappin' Black Snotling?" Snotty abided. "Well. Well. Well, well, well, well... Well I'm the Black Snotling and I'm here to say, That I say 'wowsers' every day! Like-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" AoD held on to the rope that triggered the trap door that the Black Snotling had conveniently been standing on. "It took all It could stands and It could stands no more." Wanderer slowly advanced. He stared AoD in the white things that acted as eyes. "AoD, you have imprisoned a valuable educational tool." "So?" Wanderer held up his sword. "And a dear friend." He sliced AoD in two, down the middle. As AoD's split remains fell to the bottom of Its keyboard station, It respawned and popped up behind them. "Your mother." In the theater, Racewing looked at the other victims, including the Black Snotling, who fell into his seat at that moment. "I don't get it. I know how I was suckered in here, and I can guess what happened to Shady, but what about you guys?" Wanderer gave a cheesy smile. "I'll field that one. Ah yes, it happened a week ago. Join me in flashback as I tell you the story of fifteen sexy kung fu minutes... kung fu... kung fu..." ======== Arlieth traded words with the current guest of "Arlieth: Coast to Coast," Metaljedd. In a lull in their interview, which was seemingly going well, AoD put in Its two cents. "Metaljedd, you have a kind face." "Oh. Well thank you." AoD pulled out one of Its weapons of mass destruction. "The kind of face It would like to rail!" Arlieth ducked and covered under the desk, and the monitor went explody. "Well," he said. "That was the third guest you've done that to. Luckily, I won't mind, with this next guy. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome James Howard, the Multimediocre Knight." Another monitor lowered down. "Hey, how's it going?" MMK asked. There was a long pause. Then MMK started laughing his ass off. "What in the name of Jim Jarmusch is going on in here?!" Wanderer yelled, entering the scene with a wrench in his hands. "Holy crap!" Falconer exclaimed. "He is alive!" "Damn," AoD muttered. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Wanderer checked his pulse, just in case. "Um... yeah! Why wouldn't I be?" AoD told him, "You left to go fix a gas leak three weeks ago. When you didn't come back, It tried to hunt you do--It means, start a search party. But since they and It never found you, you were assumed dead." "Ohhhhhh! Right. That thing. Well, I tried fixing the pipe from the inside, you see, but I couldn't find a way out. So three days later I decided to just smash my way out. Then I got the brilliant idea to create a theater prison downstairs that we can use." "For what?!" Falc asked. "Stuff. Geez, do I have to think of everything?" Arlieth waved. "Hello, Wanderer. I guess this means I'm no longer--" *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM* Arlieth fell from the might of Wanderer's wrench. He didn't make a peep. "Who is this guy?" "That's Arlieth, remember?" Falc told him from his booth. "He was your understudy." "Oh, he's not a replacement. He's a prisoner. A prisoner of war. A prisoner of the ratings war." "What does that even mean?" Falconer wondered. "Just shut up and dump this guy downstairs." "Aye-aye, cretin." "So..." AoD began, "you did fix that leak, right?" Wanderer took a long pause, turned his head and looked at the bandleader. "There's a leak?" MMK continued to laugh hysterically. Falconer walked by, dragging the body of Arlieth. "Apparently he didn't." MMK stopped giggling for a second and pointed at Wanderer's sword. "I was wondering if I could have that." "Have what, this?" "Yeah. Heeheeheehee!" "And what are you going to do with it?" "Hehehehe. I think I'm going to slash some people up, or slice up some cheese, or..." Burghy popped into frame, right in front of the desk. "Did somebody say 'cheese'!?" AoD tossed Its coffee mug at Burghy's face. "AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!! EVEN IN A FLASHBACK IT HURTS!" Wanderer looked at AoD, then turned to MMK. "Excuse me for a minute." He stalked over to AoD and beat It senselessly with the wrench. After about six or seven shots, he returned to his seat. "God, that was violent." MMK just laughed in response. "You laughing at me?" "Heheh. No, I'm laughing with you, man." "I wasn't laughing." Wanderer pulled on a cord. "And neither will you be." MMK fell down a trap door and into the theater prison below. ======== "Yes," Wanderer's narration went on. "Two of the loons were taken care of. But then terror struck. From above. He struck from above. 'He' meaning the terror. That's what I meant." Gavok descended upon Wanderer, flattening him with an elbow drop. "I was pinned to the ground." AoD's narration butted in. "Yeah. By freaking Gavok." ======== Wanderer, back in the present, pounded on his desk. "No! No, no, no, no! This wasn't just regular, plain Gavok." In the theater, Gavok shrugged. "Yeah, it was." "No. This was The Gav-Ok!" ======== Gav-Ok! got into the face of the lying Wanderer. "So, Wanderer, we meet again!" "Gav-Ok! The pleasure is all mine." "Nonono! Correction: the pleasure is all for me! Leg drop!" Gav-Ok! leg dropped Wanderer into the floor. "Ho-HO!" "No!" "Boston Crab!" Wanderer groaned in pain. "He's pulling my legs, and damaging my lower back! Must get together!" Gav-Ok! let go and stomped on Wanderer's back. "You! Deal with it!" "Ugh! Son of a..." Gav-Ok! wrapped his arms around Wanderer's head and held his right arm down with his legs. "Time to fall to the Crippler Crossface! And prepare to die!" "Not while I'm alive!" Wanderer stood back up, bringing Gav-Ok! with him, and delivered a Russian Leg Sweep. "Medical school!" He picked him up again and gave him a backbreaker. Falconer looked on in awe. "Wanderer has mastered the Bret Hart Five Moves of Doom!" Wanderer delivered a vertical suplex. "May cause drowsiness." "Ow!" He gave Gav-Ok! an elbow drop from off the desk. "From your coffin!" Then he grabbed his enemy by the ankles. "No, you don't have to do that!" "Because you're dead!" Gav-Ok! tapped out to the Sharpshooter, but Wanderer didn't let the hold go until Gav-Ok! fell unconscious. Wanderer flexed. "That's one loon who is going to be locked up." "He sure is, Wandy!" AoD enthusiastically yelled. "Falconer, I think I have another load for you to take down." "You sure do, Wandy!" "Shut up, AoD." *blink*blink* "You make me sick." "It does, doesn't It?" The three began to laugh heartily except for Burghy, who was still screaming in agony. ======== Wanderer sighed in admiration of himself. "Yep. It was all action. Pro wrestling and action." "Unbelievable," Ryukage scoffed. "But yet very true. But yet very, very true." Snotling looked to Gavok. "Did that really happen?" "Well, most of it was until he got to the part with me. Truth be told, I knocked him out with that elbow drop. Then I just wandered aimlessly, thanks to the gas leak, and found myself in here." "Wait," Racewing sprang up, "are you saying you know the way out of here?" "Well, yeah." Gavok looked up and saw that Wanderer and his costars were busy, discussing his reluctant marriage to Rainbow Mika. He whispered, "This is what we'll do. You play along with the Wilde Bunch. I'm going to go secure the way out of here. Be back in a sec." The others gave him thumbs up, except for Arlieth, who was pissed that Gavok hadn't mentioned this a week before. Gavok ducked down and began his escape. Wanderer, meanwhile, was still busy dealing with Falconer and AoD. "Listen, all things get married. Even spiders and Choi Bounge. What's so big about me doing it? I think we should just let this go." Rainbow Mika appeared on the monitor. Wandy was bemused. "Thank you, Falconer. Hey, honey." "RAIN-BOOOOW!!" "Falconer, go to a commercial." [END TRANSMISSION] "This week on Aqua Deformed Hoolee Force:" The eDANgelist, Kenma and Nere huddled inside their apartment. eDAN looked around with a look of paranoia. "It seems to me that that crash outside was really the apocalypse. And miraculously, we're the only survivors." Kenma rolled his eyes. "eDAN..." "And since we're the last living beings left on earth, I declare myself to be the first in command. Kenma, you're the second in command. Nere... you have to take your own life." "What!?" the other two said. "Come on. Be noble." Nere just stared at eDAN. "Well... if it's for a good cause." [BEGIN TRANSMISSION] Wanderer continued talking with his wife. "And while I have you here, tell that Russian friend of yours, Zangief, to stop piledriving the sofa." "He makes all the children happy!" "Those aren't children. Those are claw-induced scars." "I like to talk to the music." Wanderer sighed. "That's nice. Listen, this isn't working out. Honey, I think we should get a divorce." Mika continued to give off a clueless smile. "I have always been a big fan of bunnies." "Well, I've always been a big fan of Terry Bogard. And Terry Bogard dresses like a pizza boy, and the Noid was a pizza mascot, and he looked like a bunny. You know, Mika, all this talk about Terry Bogard makes me want to get married all over again." A siren went off. "What's that about?" "It's the fic sign, you moron!" Falc yelled. "Oh. Right! Honey, I'll talk to you later. Daddy has a show to host." ======== Racewing saw that the fic was starting. "Where's Gavok?" "There he is," MMK pointed. Gavok was indeed walking back to his seat. But he looked like he had just walked through a hallway made of buzz saws. "What happened to you?" Snotty asked. In a voice that sounded exactly like Emo Phillips's, Gavok said, "It seems....... that the path.... *out*... is guarded......... by tiiiiiiiiiiiiigers." He collapsed into his seat. "Oh," Race said to himself. "I guess the eBay deal finally came through." ======== > G MMK : Out of the night, When the full moon is bright, comes the writer known as Gryphon! GAVOK : This bold renegade carves a G with his blade, a "G" that stands for Gryphon! MMK, GAVOK : Gryphon, Gryphon, the Wedge Rat running so free, Gryphon, Gryphon, who makes the sign of the "G"! > Friday, August 5, 1994 was a gorgeous day in Boston, and I > was in a remarkably good mood that afternoon. And why not? RACE : Those dead pedestrians had it coming. > I had just come off an immensely weird vacation with my friends, > the Bogard brothers and Joe Higashi GAVOK : Andy spent the entire time locked in the bathroom shouting "I'm not listening." No idea why. > - maybe someday I'll tell you about it, but > right now I don't think you'd believe me if I told you what we did. S.D. : CATS invited me to co-star in "Boys Night 2." > Either way, I'd recovered from that and my confidence was high, GAVOK: So was Towlie. > I felt great. My reputation was getting around. RACE: So is that a good thing or a bad thing? > I had money in my pocket, S.D. : He's gonna make you bleed! S.D., MMK, GAVOK : Don't pick up, Hitchhiker Joe... > no pressing obligations, a cool car, a good dog MMK: A *great* dog. LOONS: YAY! FURY! > and a lot of friends. MMK: Yes, but can you dance? > What more can a man ask for? S.D.: To not be five-foot-eight and weigh three hundred? > Zoner and I were in town for a music festival I'd heard was > going on at, of all places, the Park Plaza Hotel. RACE: It must be a damn small one. > Actually, I heard about it two years ago, TBS : We're making a fashionably late entrance. > but we were too lazy or too busy to go either time. This year > we'd finally decided that, darn it, it was time we checked it out. RACE : Tragedy ensued when they mistook me for the keg. > I left the big ballroom on the second floor -- or was it the > third? ARL: You're the author, you tell us! > The way the floors are laid out around the Park Plaza's lobby > is bizarre -- S.D.: The construction crew should have thought things through before they hired M.C. Escher. MMK: Are we going to go through another lengthy description of some oh-so-fascinating feature of his surroundings that no one but him cares about? > and headed downstairs to the lobby's ground level, > having just come out of a jazz workshop ARL: They were finishing the painting and sanding of a tenor saxophonist. > which made me wish for the umpteenth time that I had stayed with > my trombone studies after high school. GAVOK : Playin' dirty water through a swordfishtrombone! > Mr. Tenor Brass, that was me in high school. Euphonium in > concert band, trombone in jazz band. Silly bias, that whole lack of > euphonia in jazz bands... but I digress. ARL: Yeah, you know... last week I was talking to someone about how there's so little euphonia these days. It's just sad... [TBS, MMK, and GAVOK jump up and start parading around the theater.] TBS, MMK, GAVOK : R-E-S-P-E-C-T! The euphonium means a lot to me! D-I-G-N-I-T-Y! Euphonium bias has gotta die! Hey hey! Ho ho! Euphonophobia's gotta go! No more, that's it! It's too bad no one gives a shit! [They sit down.] RACE : *Euphonophobia*? TBS: I detect the subtle aroma of an *oppressor*. GAVOK: String 'im up. RACE: You know what? Forget I said anything. > I checked my watch. MMK: Dodgeball time, bitch! > Zoner would be coming out of the afternoon's alternative rock program > soon, unless it had run long or he was dawdling for some reason, > and my stomach was informing me that it was about time I got something > to eat. TBS : Of course, my stomach tells me a lot of things, like that I need brownies every two hours. Stupid stomach, trying to kill me... > He wasn't out yet, apparently, so I plopped down in one of the > couches in the lobby, [ALL loudly groan in disgust.] RACE: Right there in public, in broad daylight! Has the man no shame? MMK: PLOP! > put my feet up on the coffee table, pulled my current book out of the > inside pocket of my jacket, and settled in to read. [S.D. looks at the cover.] S.D.: "Mysteries of the Titanic?" Go figure. > I had just gotten to the part where Hiro tries out the > Lavatory Grande Royale ARL: When you're funded by the Government, you too can hire a butler to wipe your ass! GAVOK: ...and add _Snow Crash_ to the list of books I may never be able to read again. > when Zoner showed up -- and not, I noticed, alone. S.D. : Let's give a big "Warrior's Legacy" welcome--to Miss LEANN RIMES! TBS : Sweet mother of God. > He had a girl with him, probably about my age, about my height, > and much better-looking. RACE: Better-looking than Ben? Is that allowed? MMK: Allowed? Hell, it's axiomatic. > "Hey," said Zoner, kicking at one of my feet as if I had > failed to notice him. "Food?" S.D.: EEK! [S.D. stiffens up and slowly floats downward.] > "I could eat," I replied, MMK: Yes, most people can! > marking my place and putting the book away before getting to my > feet. "Are you going to introduce me, or should I just lurk in > the background doing my Peter Lorre impression?" GAVOK : Yes. > "That might be worth seeing," said Zoner, "but I'll introduce > you anyway. This is Meg Bennett. RACE : Her real name is actually Meg A. Mann. > Meg, this is my roommate, Ben > Hutchins. Call him Gryphon, everyone does." S.D. : So... why *do* you call yourself Gryphon? > "Does anybody you know have a real grown-up name?" asked Meg > good-humoredly. TBS : Well, I don't know any real grown-ups... > Then she turned to me and said hi. She didn't offer > to shake hands, which worked out pretty well, S.D. : Since I've got six knives up either sleeve and all. > since it's a social ritual that's always kind of grated on me. ARL : Social interaction is for the weak! > I didn't think it was a deliberate snub, anyway; she seemed far > too cheery for that. She was slender, MMK : You'll never take the title from me, Amazon! > dressed in faded jeans and a kind of baggy shirt which women > probably have some kind of fancy name for, ARL: "Blouse." S.D.: And you know this because...? RACE: Is there something you'd like to tell us, Arlie-chan? ARL: Hush. > and the heels on her cowboy boots brought her the last inch or so to > my own height. The only jewelry she wore was a largish TBS: 'Largish?' Is that etymologically related to the English word 'large?' MMK: No, he's actually trying to speak Canadianish! > signet ring on her right hand, but from > where I was standing I couldn't see the design on it. TBS : Hey, waitaminute... doesn't that belong to the Green Lantern? MMK: Him or the Scarlet Sentinel. GAVOK: Or maybe the Crimson Crowbar. > She had blonde hair in the kind of punkish shag haircut you tend to > like a lot if you're a guy who hit adolescence in the mid-eighties, > like, say, Zoner and me. TBS: I guess that explains why he did Priss. MMK: "Teenage mullet fury!" > She had friendly blue eyes and a way of grinning that S.D.: ... made people start slowly backing away while trying very hard not to make any sudden movements. > wrinkled the middle of her nose. She wasn't the kind of woman who > would make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window, but she was > very cute. RACE: She might, say, be able to get a cardinal to knock over a piggy bank. > I didn't scope. > Well, not much, anyway. S.D. : Um, excuse me? My face is up here. > She didn't seem to take offense. GAVOK: Resulting in her spectacular defeat, 5-32. > Out we went into the street, getting the awkward preliminaries > out of the way. Apparently, she and Zoner had -just met-, > as they were leaving the downstairs dining room after the alternative > rock program. She was a senior at the Berklee College of Music, TBS: I guess Julliard refused advertising rights. > so it wasn't much of a surprise that our conversation as we walked down > Arlington was centered around our respective musical tastes. S.D: The first chapter, and he's already cramming his musical tastes down our throats. RACE: Well, down Meg's, anyway. [A beat.] TBS: That-- RACE: Shut up. > Zoner hadn't said so, but it appeared Meg was having dinner > with us. Either that, or she had decided to follow Zoner home. GAV : Uh, Gryphon? MMK : Yes, my dearest? GAV : She's still following us. MMK : ... don't stare! GAV : She's smiling! MMK : Don't make any sudden moves! S.D. : What are you guys talking about? GAV : Nothing? S.D. : I like you. I'll kill you last! > I didn't think he would have a problem with that, but at this early > stage I kind of doubted it was the case. But hey, did I mind? RACE: YOU MAKE THE CALL! > She seemed like a nice kid, sunny but not vapid, ARL : --unlike us-- > and she had good taste in music, S.D. : --which is to say *my* taste in music-- > though she'd come late to some of it. > We were cutting through an alley to make better time to the T, GAVOK: And get tossed helluva far. > and Zoner and Meg were exhibiting parallel amazement that I didn't own > a single Van Halen album RACE : You FREAK! > and had somehow managed to avoid being into > them at any point in my life, despite being a fan of guitar rock, [ALL gasp.] RACE : You ULTRA FREAK! > when I spotted the two guys in trench coats walking down the alley > toward us. GAVOK: Special guest appearances by Q and Larcen Tyler. > Something about them didn't register right -- the lightfooted way > they walked, ARL: ... with a spring in their step and a song in their hearts? > perhaps, or the fact that their coats just weren't hanging right. GAVOK: No, no, no. You put the hanger in the sleeves like *this*. > I slowed, putting a hand on Zoner's arm, S.D. : Hold me, Zoner. I need your firm, yet gentle touch. > and he in turn gestured to Meg at his own right. The guys in trench > coats kept coming. RACE : Raymond Chandler sent us. > Presently they stopped as well, staring us down from thirty > feet or so down the alley. ARL: Then they realized this wasn't an episode of "Witchblade," and walked in the other direction. > Two guys with olive skin and slick black > hair, one of them with a little Clark Gable mustache, the other with a > tidily trimmed goatee; other than that they could have been identical. MMK: Only their barber can tell them apart. > They threw away their trench coats with mirror-image flourishes S.D.: ... huh. RACE: Synchronized flashing. You don't see that very often. > and drew long, thin swords from their belts, one left-handed and one > right, moving their sword tips in little circles as they put their off > hands on their hips, assuming a bullfighter stance TBS: Can anyone visualize this without laughing? ARL : Not me. GAVOK: These muggers are-- --FABULOUS! > that went well with their insanely tight and ornate purple outfits > and silly buckled shoes. RACE: It takes a brave man to wear that in public. S.D.: If it weren't for the swords, I'd think they'd encountered some kind of exhibitionistic tap dancers. > I slapped my forehead. MMK : Oh, that's right. I ordered a pummeling. > "What's going on?" asked Meg, her tone carrying curiosity, but > no fear. MMK: Well, *no*. The only crimes those guys are going to commit are crimes against fashion. > "Spanish ninjas," I muttered. "I -hate- Spanish ninjas." GAVOK: Are you kidding? Spanish ninjas are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet! TBS: And they have killer dance moves that *really are killer*! ARL: It's the sarcastic *British* ninjas you have to watch out for. They can't cook a Ninja Burger worth a damn, so they like to cover it up with Cockney wit. > "You know why we are here, Gryphon," the right-handed one > said, pronouncing it "greefon". He talked way too much like Ren Hoek > for me even to try and take him seriously. TBS: And Ren Hoek talks like Peter Lorre. MMK: And that, friends, is what they call the Circle of Life. > "You like your orthodontist?" RACE: Hey, he's doing our work for us! > I replied wryly. Trust Antonio > de la Vega's Spanish ninja to ruin an otherwise lovely afternoon. MMK : Don't you just hate that? There you are, walking along, minding your own business and trying to hit on your animated fantasy woman of the day... then POW! Some Spanish ninja jumps out of nowhere and ruins it for you. > "Relax, you guys," said Meg, shoving Zoner back a step and > stepping in front of me. "I'll handle these clowns." GAVOK : It took me ten seconds to kill the three heroes... and put my mask back on. > I glanced at Zoner, registering with amusement his look of > startlement at having been cursorily shoved aside by a slender girl no > less than a foot shorter than he, and he shrugged. S.D.: Could it be that the non-Eyrie character is getting to do something? > We thought we were surprised -then-? > Hah! > Meg raised her left hand in the air; there was a flicker of > light around her wrist, and I noticed an elaborate bracer-type thing > that I could have sworn wasn't there a second ago. > "BIONICS - ON!" MMK, GAVOK: Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! MMK: Shape of Kim Kaphwan! GAVOK: Form of Wonder Woman's Bath! > she shouted, slamming the large ring she wore > on her right hand into a socket on the thing on her left wrist. RACE: She's about to transform into the Black Scorpion! > At that, her whole body started glowing with a funky blue-green radiance > not unlike my own Ler manipulation effect; TBS: Not much the same, either. > her clothes vanished RACE: Naked shoujo transformation sequences: supplying blatant fanservice since 1987. Not that it's a *bad* thing, mind you... S.D. : Where's the equal opportunity shounen transformation? [ALL but S.D. shudder.] > and her skin became transparent, revealing gleaming chrome bones and > armored musculature that was obviously synthetic. TBS: I guess she's got implants. > Momentarily, the > glow faded, and there she was again -- same girl as before, dressed in > an orange and blue jumpsuit, with that weird computer thing on her arm > and small metal box-type things on her shoulders. MMK: And this is where we discover Ben's disturbing Power Ranger fixation. TBS: She sounds suspiciously like one of the New Gods now. > I glanced at Zoner, unable to keep the astonishment off my face. RACE : Hey, you've got some astonishment on your face. ARL : What? Oh geez, anyone got a tissue? > He reached out, tapped his fingertips against the box on her > right shoulder and said, "Dibs." MMK: I call tibs on Meg. GAVOK: Dibs. MMK: Dibs. TBS: Damn. > Caught up in her face-off with the > two Spanish ninja, GAVOK : I want her face... off. > who were easily as startled as Zoner and I, she > didn't even notice. > "Damn!" I said reflexively. MMK : Gosh! Darn! Dang it! Gee willikers! Aw mice! Fudge! TBS: The part of Gryphon will be played by Farooq. > The two Spaniards overcame their consternation TBS: Wow! Right on the spot? I had a friend who was consternated all the time and he always had this sort of dour, glaring expression and he drank lots and lots of water--- ARL: *SNOT*. TBS: Yes? ARL: That's *constipation*. You're thinking of *constipation*. TBS: ...oh. > and began advancing at a half-run; Meg seemed about to go meet them > when Zoner stepped in front of her, his right hand sweeping his Glock > from under his left arm as his left racked a round into the chamber > in the same motion. RACE: And then his gun flew *out of his hand* and skittered into the nearby gutter. > I think he only carries it in Condition Three so he can feel > stylish when he does that move. S.D.: INTENSE GUN DRAWING ACTION! > He's certainly practiced it enough. TBS: I guess he spends a lot of time playing with his weapon. > I've spent many a happy afternoon in the blue recliner in our living > room watching him toss the gun onto the sofa practicing that draw. > "WAIT FOR IT -- !" Zoner bellowed at the two ninja, leveling > the pistol at them. They halted and glared at us, confused. "Give > the man a second, he'll be right with you. Something -weird- just > happened, maybe you missed it." ARL : Hey, when you deal with people who can shoot fire from their hands, jump into the air and spin around a half-dozen times and teleport across the room, you get a little accustomed to weird stuff like that. > "But those guys -- " Meg began. > "Relax, it's OK," said Zoner. He held his left hand cocked > back over his shoulder, fingers half-curled; I hung my jacket on it > and ran through a brief centering maneuver, regaining the composure > that Meg's bizarre transformation GAVOK: So, she's now her own Stand? > had rattled out of me. > Zoner began to back up, shepherding Meg along with him; they > passed behind me, Zoner's .45 still trained on the two ninja. > She protested again, RACE : Down with underwear! Up with skirts! S.D.: I doubt it was that protest. TBS : Hey hey, ho ho! Euphonophobia's got to-- S.D. : *Or* that one. TBS : Awwww. > but Zoner said cheerfully, "It's no problem, he can handle them. RACE : But... but my nifty transformation sequence... > You ready?" he asked me. > "S.I.G.," I replied. TBS: Take off every SIG? > "Right. DIRECTOR -- CUT!" MMK , GAVOK : CROSS CHANGER! > He put the Glock away and stepped back out of my peripheral vision > as I began moving toward the two ninja. > They kept staring at me, uncomprehending, as I strolled right > up to them. RACE : This is the part where you fall down. > "That means we can start now," I informed them, and knocked > the left-handed one's front teeth in with a flare hook. ARL: Not the smartest ninja ever, are they? TBS: Just wait until they flip out and kick Gryph in the head! ARL: I still want to know where they kept the burgers stashed. > Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > presents MMK: Final Fight's Guy getting hit by a football! > A Third Universe from the Right Production > of a > Straight On Till Morning Film ARL: Brought to you by Mind's Eye Theater. > STREET FIGHTER: WARRIOR'S LEGACY RACE: I tried loading a warrior on my computer, but it turned out that it was too old, and I ended up having to download some files to support it. ARL: Oh really? What kind of files? RACE: Warrior's legacy drivers. [ALL groan.] > BATTLE 03: RAPPROCHEMENT GAVOK: I'm not Rapprochement. > Benjamin D. Hutchins > MegaZone RACE: The Coreys of the fanfiction world. > Fight choreographer for Mr. Hoshi: > Kris Overstreet S.D.: Is that a name or directions? > with the gracious assistance of The Usual Suspects GAVOK : Old McDonald had a fic, E-I-E-I-O... and in this fic he shot some guys, E-I-E-I-O... > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > > The one Spaniard I had hit was still on the ground, and showed > no signs of an imminent return to consciousness. TBS: 'E's not dead, 'e's just resting. RACE: You know, it's funny he didn't say "return to his senses," what with him being a Spanish ninja and all... [looks around] I'll just be quiet now. ARL: Please. > The other one, > however, was holding my attention fairly well on his own; TBS : Look, Gryphon! BALLOON ANIMALS! GAVOK : OOOOOH! Lemme see! > he was fast, and I had to concentrate to keep from getting skewered > by that silly sword of his. MMK: Silly Spaniard and your silly sword. ARL: What's so silly about it? Does Gryphon's skin turn aside sword blades as if they were drops of rain?... Wait, what am I saying? Of course it does. > Not too long ago, GAVOK: In a galaxy not too far away. > I stepped right into the arc of one of those and took it away from > its owner, but I was pretty drunk at the time. ARL: Wow. He just retroactively booked that chick from Chapter One as being even *less* competent. RACE: It's impressive. ARL: Really? RACE: Fuck no, dude. I'm being polite. > Sober, I wasn't sure if I could do it. S.D.: Does Gryphon need B33R in order to unlock his true powers? RACE: I don't care, as long as he doesn't have l33t n3kkid skillz. TBS: Try it anyway. If you screw up, hey, you can always send it to Worcester's Funniest Home Videos. > I ducked to one > side and weaved back as the swordsman lunged at me, once, twice, MMK : Three times a lady... > again, gathering my concentration and pushing the energy into my left > forearm. From the elbow down, that arm began to glow with a soft blue > radiance, ARL: Gryph must be a big hit at candy raves. > and in another second or so, Senor Ninja was going to ride > the lightning. S.D. : Huzzah! RACE: ... bad Shady, bad. TBS: Pregnant women and people with heart conditions should not ride the lightning. MMK : Flash before my eyes, now it's time to die, burning in my brain, I can feel the flames... > That's when he feinted left and then slashed at me. The > reaction patterns of the Icon of Stone took over ARL : And I dropped like a rock. > from my conscious aversion to sharp metal objects, GAVOK: Which is a long-winded way of saying "Ben runs with scissors." > and again I stepped inside its arc, driving my upraised left forearm > against the flat of the blade to push it out of position. MMK: Good thing the Spaniard didn't think to twist his wrist about a quarter of an inch. > The theory here was that, S.D. : ...you'd get his rapier caught in the meaty bit of your arm long enough for you to punch him out? > having accomplished that, I'd hold the blade away with my left and > punch the guy with my right, ARL: ...you know, I never realized how goofy the action in 2D fighting games would be until I saw it written out here. [RACE, GAVOK, MMK, and TBS all mutter something that sounds like "Sorge."] > but that turned out not to be necessary. ARL : Here. Let me punch myself out for you. S.D. : How kind. > The moment my arm, which was still flared, touched the blade, > there was a sharp SNAP, and my arm and hand tingled just as if I had > thrown the Psycho Lightning I'd been preparing. RACE : The tingle tells you it's working. > The ninja stood bolt > upright, surprise in his eyes melting to incomprehension and then > flickering out entirely as he slumped over backward. S.D.: I do that whenever I see a David Lynch movie. GAVOK: So is *that* an Electric Boogaloo? > Little jolts of blue energy kept playing over his sword and his > right arm for a couple of seconds as I looked down at him. RACE : So be it, Jedi. MMK: I didn't know you could cast Enchant Item on other people. > Hmm. MMK : Hmmm... Hmmm! HMMMM! GAVOK: Blah. [GAVOK's head falls off.] > It never did -that- before. ARL: Did he just accidentally discover *another* technique? > People have compared my > flare effect to an electric shock, which was what led me to develop > the Psycho Lightning's look, but metal never conducted it before. S.D. : Funny. Psycho Lightning doesn't conduct metal at our house... > Apparently while I had been working to make it look and act more like > electricity, I had been doing better than I thought! ARL: So it's possible to control the properties of one's INCREDIBUL CHEE POWURZ simply through force of will. TBS: So theoretically, one could have a cheese danish chi blast? ARL: Well, if you want to go by Ben's logic, then technically, yes. TBS: I see. [TBS pulls out a notebook and writes something down.] > This bore further investigation, but right now I was thirsty GAVOK: So first a drink, then we explore the deeper meaning of life. ARL : Man drink better on full stomach than empty one. > and wanted to get out of here before Sancho and Pancho woke up. RACE : Did I forget to mention that they were wearing giant sombreros and sitting against a wall? > When I turned around, I saw that Zoner and Meg were long gone; ARL: They got while the getting was good. RACE : I think we might have lost him--- TBS : Hey, guys?! Where are you! I thought the party was just getting started! S.D. : [screams] He's coming! RACE : Run! > my jacket was hanging from a fire escape. I can't say that came as a > great surprise. RACE: Oh, leather jacket! You wacky funster! > Reclaiming my jacket, I dropped one of my calling > cards (the one with just the recursive G arrow) GAVOK : Because even though you're unconscious and badly beaten, you *still* probably pay too much for long distance. > on one of the ninja (does it matter which?) S.D.: Yes, oh heavens *yes*! How will I live my life without knowing on which ninja Ben left his card?? > and continued on my way to the T, mopping at > my forehead with the tail of my outer shirt. I wondered if the fact > that it took two Spanish ninja and a sunny August afternoon to make me > break a sweat would go to my head. GAVOK: Some ninja... they didn't even wail. > MZ > "Will he be all right?" Meg asked, concerned. She was cute > when she was concerned. OK, well, cuter. S.D.: You know, to extrapolate from the Hutchinsverse lore I gained by watching "Hopelessly Lost," he's still technically cheating on Yuri *and* Sylia here. RACE: He's just *looking*. S.D.: Chapter ain't over yet, man. RACE: ...point. > She deactivated her bionics > as we walked and returned to her street clothes. > "He'll be fine. Two ninjas are nothing for Gryphon. MMK: Two vikings, though, watch out. > He's a street fighter, you see. I guess I should fill you in -- RACE : --no, up--no, I mean *in*! OH! Naughty Zoner! [slaps self] > you want the long version up front or would you rather have the Cliff > Notes now and I can fill in the blanks later?" MMK : Either way, you ain't gonna believe *any* of this shit. > I was hoping she'd choose Cliff Notes; ARL: So were we. > I couldn't wait to hear -her- story. > "Well... I... Cliff Notes." Bingo. [ALL throw Bingo cards up in the air and grumble in dissatisfaction.] RACE: I was-- [holds up his pointer finger] --*one* number away! > "OK. Gryphon is a street fighter working his way up the ranks > of the World Circuit Martial Arts Tournament Authority so that he may > eventually bring down Shadolu, the Southeast-Asian organized crime > syndicate. S.D. : ... RACE : ...actually, he owns a dojo and he had a taser. S.D. : That's more like it. > M. Bison, head of the whole shebang, uses his style and > has tried to kill his master a few times. ARL: Gryphon tried to kill his master a few times? GAVOK : Hey. Wake up, asshole. MMK : Whaaaat? GAVOK : You ate my fucking schnitzel. MMK : What? GAVOK : You ate my fucking schnitzel! MMK : Well... it was in there! And if it's in there, then it's fair game. GAVOK : Then maybe this is fair game! HOO-WAH! [GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.] MMK : OW! GAVOK : You like that? That's right. That's a karate chop! HEE-YAH! [GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.] MMK : Jeez! GAVOK : KEE-AI! [GAVOK hits MMK in the neck with a karate chop.] MMK : OW! > Those ninjas work for one of the higher-ups in Shadolu S.D.: Ricky Martin. > and..." > "Wait. ARL : I'm supposed to believe a story like this when a guy named "Zoner" is telling it? > Ninjas? I thought ninjas wore black pajamas and > carried little short swords -- you know, like the guy in 'Shinobi'." > "Well, yes. But these were Spanish ninjas." S.D. : Okay, then. Like the Shinobi-lleros. ARL: So would, say, Australian ninjas wear slouch hats and thongs, and carry boomerangs? > "I... umm... see." I could tell by the look in her eyes that > she was actually rather confused. It made her look even cuter. ARL: Warrior's Legacy! The story that *dares* to tell you, "Hey, Meg's cute." RACE: The real bitch of this is that Meg looked like a guy with tits. > Technically, I don't know how that is possible, but there it was. MMK: Well, then, there it is. > "Don't worry, it will all become less clear as we go on. ARL: No kidding. > Now then, enough about him, let's talk about me." I said with a jaunty > grin and an 80's tone. RACE: Not talking about Ben... is that allowed? > I could tell she related. > "You're a street fighter too?" MMK : Actually, I'm a Street Fighter Alpha. > "Hell no, they'd beat the living daylights out of me. ALL : Happy Thought! > I'm no pushover but I'm not in that class - I haven't had the training > or the experience for it. > No, I'm simply a master pilot, GAVOK : Ridiculously flamboyant superhero with the power to animate cheese... > crack shot, MMK : Power Wave... TBS : Rising Tackle... RACE : Power Geyser... > and agent provocateur. I work for the NSA, sometimes the CIA, but I > prefer working on Her Majesty's Secret Service. ARL : But you're not Brit-- RACE : *Silence*, designated cartoon booty! > You could call me a freelance spy." ARL : But the kids in highschool called me Stinky. RACE: So if he was named Sluggy, would that make him Sluggy Fr-- ARL: No. [A pause.] ARL: Well... no. You'd need a Bun-Bun. > Meg eyed me in disbelief. > "I'm quite serious." How would she react? RACE: YOU MAKE THE CALL! > "Hmm, sounds interesting." > "I guess that's one way to look at it." > Ah, she laughed. It was a good sign. No screaming. No > fleeing. No backing up several feet and looking around for a cop. TBS : Oh, I'm left-handed too. S.D. : AAAAAAAHHH! NOOOOO! > And laughter. Cute laughter. The kind of laughter that GAVOK: --lets you eat the fries off of its plate. > reaches around and does a little dance up your spine. S.D.: MegaZone was later found dead, his spine pulverized. Tragically, nobody told him that the laughter was doing the little dance on Maniac until it was too late. > I shivered. I wanted a > bottle of that laugh, a big bottle, with lots of ice. And a chaser. > And a lemon twist - no, make it a lime. With one of those little > twisty straws. And a paper umbrella. ARL: And a Screaming Orgasm. Up against the wall. In the dark. With a cherry. RACE : And if there's anything else you want, *please* hesitate to ask! > I was going off on a tangent. > It's possible I was out of control. ARL: Okay, why did I just get the mental image of MegaZone rampaging through MegaTokyo? S.D.: Funny you should mention Zoner in MegaTokyo... > "Is that really what you do?" she asked, having regained > control of her lungs. TBS: She did a buy-out of most of the major shareholders. > "Honestly yes. That is really what I do. I was being a bit > absurd, and I don't think I've actually started any wars - well, > except... Never mind. MMK : Remember the Bay of Pigs? All me, baby! > Yes, I'm really a spy. TBS: He's a world-famous secret agent! GAVOK : Hey, aren't you Megazone? MMK : [Smiles] Why, yes I am! GAVOK : Wow! I'm a big fan! MMK : Really? GAVOK : My kids aren't going to believe me when I tell them I saw you at work today! Can I have your autograph? Please! MMK : Here you go. Tell them hi for me, won't you? GAVOK : Sure thing, Megazone! MMK : It was nice meeting you. GAVOK : I'm really sorry about this, but I'm still going to have to shoot you. MMK : Well... crap. > I do freelance work mostly. I fly things where they need to be > flown. I don't ask too many questions and I charge outrageous rates. MMK: So next time you need to get weapons-grade Plutonium out of the country and it has to be there without those bothersome customs officials getting in your way, Zoner's your man! > Deniability has a > price. Trailing Edge Air Lines, when it absolutely, positively has to > get there - wherever 'there' is. S.D. : You don't act like a spy. RACE : They're kind of stiff. S.D. : You're more like a game show host? > No job is too big, no -fee- is too big. RACE : Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. > And yes, sometimes I've had to kill people, but you never really > enjoy that. RACE : Well, except for that Menudo concert, but it had nothing to do with work. GAVOK : There was that time I crash landed my plane into the orphanage, but I *really* had to go and I didn't enjoy it, not one little bit! > It is part of the job, a part I'd rather forget." TBS : In fact, what job? Who are you? Who am I? S.D. : I'm Meg. You're Zoner. TBS : Hi, Meg, I'm Zoner! > OK, so, there were a few people who I would gleefully kill again, and > a few people who weren't dead yet that I'd cheerfully make that way, > given the opportunity. MMK : But I wouldn't enjoy it. Nosirree. > But there was no sense in scaring her off with > my dark, anti-heroic moral ambiguity so soon. GAVOK: Scaring her off? Heck, say "bub" every few words and you're a best seller. > "I hang out with > Gryphon because I enjoy the travel, I enjoy watching the fights, RACE : I like earnin' my stripes, in the book of life! > and he needs someone to watch his back..." > "And?" S.D. : --- the vibrantly romantic sunsets, arm in arm, side by side... > "And... RACE : ...if I get more than two miles from him, I get a mild electrical shock. > He's a damn good friend and I'd hate myself if > anything every happened to him. S.D.: Oh, so you're "just friends?" Tch, guys are always "just friends." You'd feel better about it if you just came out and told each other the truth... ARL: Shady, not all guys are gay. S.D.: Poppycock. > Shadolu doesn't go easy on those who > oppose them. OK, OK, so I'm one of those sensitive new age guys. ARL : Don't matter how "new age" you get, old age gonna *kick your ass*. > A crunchy shell with a soft, chewy center." TBS : I'm like a stale Cadbury egg! MMK : I'm like an overcooked biscuit! ARL : I'm like a cockroach! S.D. : I'm like a jar of Play-Doh! > I need new metaphors. > "That's OK. I sort of like guys like that. My dad is a lot > like that, in an old kind of way." ARL: Three, two, one, and-- RACE, ARL, TBS, MMK, GAVOK: Ewwwwwww. > "Speaking of which... Do you parents know you go around > transforming into a super-hero? TBS : They've got nothing against it as long as I'm home before ten. > Or is this a whoops-I've-blown-my- secret-identity moment? Let me > guess, you needed a little extra money for college and you answered > an ad in the paper. Next thing you knew you were all metallic." ARL: She really must've boned her lifepath roll. > She looked momentarily taken aback, then she broke. GAVOK : I see your warranty's expired. MMK: Page Break strikes again! > "Nah. Turns out my dad was an agent for the Office of > Scientific Intelligence. ALL: SCIENCE! > He was a cyborg superspy too. We never knew about it. All we knew > was that he was an astronaut and he had to travel a lot." > Something tickled at the back of my mind that felt like the > beginning of recognition, but I put it aside; MMK : Ooh! I just had a thought. [pause] Lost it. Slippery little buggers. > I had other things I needed to know. "So how did you end up like > this? It certainly isn't genetic." MMK : Actually, it was. Dad was a cyborg spy, mum was a toaster oven. > "Well, we're all adopted anyway. But no, it isn't. We were > on vacation when Dad was attacked. ARL : Mother asked us if we were bad enough dudes to save our father. GAVOK: From evil Turkish ninjas? ARL: ... sure, why not? > We all got caught in the attack. > He was fine, being bionic and all, but the rest of us went into a > coma. The only way to save us was to bionicize all of us. S.D. : He said he could make us better, stronger-- RACE : Okay, I get it! > That's how I became Rock-1." > Wham. RACE: Biff! GAVOK: Socko! TBS: Fnord! > It all came flooding back. GAVOK : And from there on I couldn't get that "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" song out of my head. > In one dizzying blipvert ARL: ...Zoner exploded in a burst of gore. [pause] S.D.: ...don't I wish. > moment I remembered the news reports, the massive fights, the Trapper > Keeper I used to have -- the Bionic Six! The really cute one. GAVOK: I thought that was Ringo. MMK: No, Paul's the cute one. Ringo's the untalented one. > How do *you* spell awkward? S.D. : However I damn well please. > I had a poster of her on my bedroom wall back in > New York. In fact, it's probably still there. No, I do *not* plan on > telling her that. Not now, anyway. RACE : Hey! I have a poster of you on my bedroom wall back in New York! In fact, it's probably still the-... oh, crap. > "I remember you!" Not smooth. "I mean, I remember seeing > you, the whole family, on the news. You used to fight that Shadolu > mad scientist... ARL: So in Ben's little world, every villain workes for Bison? RACE: It makes about as much sense as Zombie Shredder working for Ganon, I guess. > Doctor whatshisname? Scallop? Scallion? Scaramouche? Oh what was it?" MMK : Samsonite! GAVOK : See, I knew it started with an S. > She barely contained her giggles. > Cute giggles. > "Scarab." We had arrived at the station. We descended into > the dark underbelly of the city. TBS: Luckily for them, the city has an innie. > "Right! Dr. Scarab. What ever happened to him? I haven't > seen you guys in years." > Ow. Looked like I hit some kind of nerve. Her face closed up > like a bagel shop on Yom Kippur. S.D.: Similes stolen from Neal Stephenson's editing room floor. > "He's dead," she said at length. "He tried some kind of > ultimate superweapon of doom a few years back and it backfired. ARL: They reversed the polarity, didn't they? RACE: They *always* reverse the polarity! MMK : Note to self: change superweapon to AC power. > Last we saw of him and his goons they were sucked into a singularity." TBS: Singularities suck. [ALL groan.] TBS: Hah! Take 1d6 pun damage, fuckers! > She didn't look too happy about it, considering it was the end of > her family's nastiest arch-foe she was discussing. > "What's wrong? You seem depressed about it." The train > arrived. We boarded. It pulled out. [MMK, GAVOK and S.D. open their mouths at the same time. They stop and look at each other.] MMK: Ladies first. S.D.: Darn. I forgot what I was going to say. > "That was the beginning of the end. With Scarab gone we were > sent on fewer and fewer missions. ARL: Bob Dylan can't find his keys! We need your help! MMK: The world is running out of potato chips! This looks like a job for the Bionic Six! > The government started to claim > they didn't have work for us. Dr. Sharp was moved to some old Army > lab with barely enough funding to keep the power on. Dr. Wells > decided to retire. It really just sucked." Typical. The government > used them until they were no longer useful and tossed them away like a > used bandage. I need new similes too. ARL : They're as stale as week-old bread. [A beat.] ARL : *Damn* it... > "Then the shit hit the fan," she continued. "Oscar was > transferred out of OSI. They replaced him with some tightassed Air > Force officer. S.D. : In fact, *meow*! [She starts smiling goofily] RACE : *Ahem* > He proceeded to 'restructure' the OSI, pushed Steve > and Jamie into retirement, slashed the budget. Overnight the Bionic > Six were extraneous. GAVOK: Oh. So they got hard outer shells like insects. MMK: No. That's "exoskeletons." GAVOK: Oh. Then they died off and would become fossil fuels in a million years' time. MMK: No. That's "extinct." GAVOK: So they stopped focusing on themselves and busied themselves with others? MMK: No. That's "extrovert." GAVOK: Then what's "extraneous?" MMK: It means that they had to take their liquids through a needle. GAVOK: Oh. [ARL grinds his teeth audibly.] > Goodbye. Don't call us, we won't call you." > "You were downsized!" People turned to look at us; that came > out a bit louder that I intended. Hey, it isn't every day you find > out even super-heroes are subject to Dilbertization. RACE : I can't wait to tell Michael Moore about *this* one. > "Man, that really sucks. So, what happened to you all?" ARL: Next up, on "Behind the Cartoons," the Bionic Six's struggle with obsolescence. GAVOK : Do you know how hard it is to have a wetware floppy drive? *Do you*?! > "Mom and Dad retired. They have enough saved up to live off of. S.D. : They're major Enron stockholders! > Mom does some work for Woods Hole from time to time, and Dad has > a couple of cookbooks out; he's thinking about maybe doing one of > those afternoon cooking shows on the Discovery Channel. J.D. went off > to find himself in the Valley of Shadows, or something like that. TBS: How hard is it to find yourself? I mean, no matter where you go, there you are! GAVOK: That's why, whenever I need to hide from myself, I always head to Starbucks. I'd *never* think of finding me there. MMK: How is he going to be able to find himself in the Valley of Shadows? It sounds like it's probably *really* dark! > I guess he got tired of racking up degrees. Eric is playing Double-A, [GAVOK makes two car-horn honking noises.] TBS: M-C-O. > trying to attract a scout's attention. [RACE snaps his fingers and winks suggestively at S.D.] RACE : Hey, baby, did I ever tell you I used to be a superhero? S.D. : ... why are you following us? > Bunji has a budding film > career in Hong Kong. And me... Well, I'm hoping to build some kind > of band I guess. I don't know really. I'm sort of on autopilot. One > day you're fighting to save the world, the next day you're unemployed > with an uncertain future." She looked like she was fighting the urge > to cry. At that moment I wanted to tear a bloody path through the > administration that did this to her. MMK : But I wouldn't enjoy it. Because I don't enjoy killing. Honest. > Which is how I knew I had fallen for her. I don't kill for > just anyone - and hey, you didn't see that look in her eyes. At the > moment I had more immediate concerns. TBS : Where can I get an outfit like hers? > What the hell, I thought; I put > my arm around her and hugged her tight. I think this is sort of > disturbing, but: I wasn't sure what to expect. I think somewhere in > the back of my mind I was expecting cold steel, ARL: You're moving too fast. Cold steel isn't until the third date. S.D.: Yeah, you can't go wrong with leather. ARL: ... Kids these days. > and you know, I don't > think I would have minded it all that much. But she was warm and > soft, and she yielded readily. RACE: Yeah, that's the nice part about women, they're-- S.D.: You're not speaking from experience, are you? RACE: You. You will die with the pain. > She reminded me a great deal of myself: ARL : Complete fuckin' Livejournal bait. > a strong exterior to face a cold, violent world. And inside, ALL : A soft, creamy center. > the pain hides, only to come out late at night to remind you of > the things you thought, and hoped, you had long forgotten. RACE : The Scandanavians call it the "wolf hour." > The kind of nights that made you want to go out and scream at the > dark skies, GAVOK: Turn that music down! We're trying to sleep down here! MMK: The kind of nights that made you grow fur on every spot of your body and howl at the moon--wait, that's werewolves. My bad. > but you didn't, because you knew it wouldn't help. ARL: Plus, the neighbors have a tendency to complain. > The nights when the memories drove you out into the > relentless rain, trying to wash away the blood and the scars. TBS: Additional writing by Ace Sanchez. > We sat, quietly embracing, until we arrived at Park Street. S.D.: This segueway was brought to you by the American Angst Council, overseeing overwrought inner monologues for over... half a century. MMK: Angst! It doesn't solve anything, but it makes problems kewler! > We resumed our positions on the Red Line train, sitting in silence all > the way to Alewife. We would have sat there longer, but that was the > end of the line. MMK : But lines are infinite! This is a line segment! > "C'mon, we'd better go." The train had long since emptied. > Boarding passengers were looking at us oddly. RACE : Why are those two dressed as wookies? > "Yeah..." Her eyes were tinged with red. I had the feeling > mine were too. They were stinging like they were. TBS: That's probably because you were being attacked BY THE BEES!! THE DEADLY NINJA BEES!! AHHHH!! [ARL slaps TBS upside the head.] TBS: Thank you. ARL: No problem. > We strolled up to the parking garage, my arm across he > shoulders, her arm around my waist. We reached my Suburban it what > seemed like far too short a time, still without a word spoken. It was > an amazingly comfortable silence. ARL: It was easy-listening silence, the kind of silence you could hear all day... > I unlocked her door and as she > slipped past me I stopped her on an impulse, gathered her into my > arms, leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. We > parted slightly, our eyes locked. TBS: She must have Windows installed on her. RACE : It was time to hit her Ctrl-Alt-Delete, if you know what I mean... > She tipped her head up and stood on > her toes, her lips brushing mine lightly. > "Thank you," she whispered. S.D.: For what, exactly? I'm hazy on this point. MMK: She's grateful for having basked in his aura. > We parted and she climbed into the > passenger seat, pulling the door closed. > Have you ever had one of those moments of perfect clarity? GAVOK: I have! ARL: You bloody well have not! GAVOK: Have too! For one, brief, shining moment, I knew! I knew where in the world Carmen Sandiego was! [ARL rubs his head and groans.] > One of those zen Hathcock moments when the bullets all slow down, and > you can see the target frozen in your sights, and you know you have him? S.D.: I played Max Payne. Does that count? > If you haven't, you just can't know what it is like. RACE : You just don't understand the very special type of bond I'm writing about between myself and my anime love interest of the month. GAVOK : Oh, but I think you do, Trebek, I think you do... MMK : You don't know what it's like to be me... you don't know what it's like to go between... > Right then, at that moment, I knew I had found the woman who would be > the love of my life. I know it sounds sentimental, maybe a bit of a retcon, ARL: He's just retconned his life. Can he do that? > but I swear it is true. I had known her for all of half an hour and I > would kill for her. MMK : But I wouldn't enjoy killing for her. [pause] Well... maybe a little... > Die for her. Do anything, say anything, endure > anything, to see her smile. RACE : Gather the Infinity Gems. Slaughter half the universe. Turn Wolverine into a Putty Buddy. All for her. > I shook myself free of the reverie and walked around to take > my place behind the wheel. In unison we shared a sly smile. > "Do you think Ben is OK?" GAVOK : We'll get Terry Bogard to ask him. That's always fun! > I glanced at my watch. "Oh yeah, he's done by now. He should > be on his way back here." > > G > So there I was, chillin' on the T. MMK : Can you dig it? > I bought a Coke out of the machine at Park Street, ARL: Somewhere, somehow, Kenneth Hite finds this to be significant. > on my way from the Green Line to the Red > Line, then lucked out and got one of the nice new silver Red Line > trains which don't make a lot of noise and rattle out your teeth. I > found a corner seat, kicked back and started reading again. RACE : Oh, Sam I Am, you silly fool. Don't you realize that he doesn't want your green foodstuffs? > There were two ways I could interpret Zoner's abrupt > departure. I could take the viewpoint that he had ditched me in a > moment of crisis to make time with the cute girl he'd picked up at the > music festival, and be mad at him. S.D.: Jealous, Gryph? > Or I could take the viewpoint that > he had the utmost confidence in my abilities to handle the two Spanish > ninja and had felt he could best demonstrate that confidence by not > hovering over me constantly checking if I needed help. GAVOK : Can't decide. Can't decide! BRAIN ANEURYSM! > I chose the second option, not because I necessarily thought > it was true, GAVOK : Well, it was, but never mind. > but because it would save me a lot of hassle later on. > And, restored to my good humor, MMK : Mmm... It's Good Humor time... hit it, Zoney! GAVOK : Oh, that crispy creamy ice cream, no room for a stick! What would you dooooo for a Klondike Bar! MMK : Zoney... what was the last thing you said there? GAVOK : Klondike Bar... oops. Sorry, Gryph. MMK : My Good Humor is ruined thanks to you. > I plowed through another > chapter before arriving at Alewife. RACE : Wait. If the Lorax speaks for the trees, shouldn't he have asked for plant food and water as well? > Yup, there they were, in the Suburban. I noted with mild > irritation that Meg had bagged my customary shotgun seat, > put it down and climbed in back. Now was not the time for S.D.: ... a lovers' quarrel. > pointless bickering; now was the time for action! RACE: And pointless bickering does make a solid Plan B. > "I hunger," I declared. ARL: Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins *is*... SINISTAR! TBS : Beware! I live! Run, run, run! GAVOK : Um... you aren't still mad about that whole Spanish ninja desertion thing, are you? TBS : Beware, coward! Aargh! > "Joyce Chen's." GAVOK : ...does she serve human flesh? > "I've just been filling her in," said Zoner helpfully. > "Of course you have." S.D.: A few gallons of cement would explain why she isn't running. > "You up for Chinese?" Zoner asked Meg. > "Yeah, sure. Whatever you guys want, I'm easy to please." ARL: Well, that explains why she's been hanging out with Gryph and Zoner... RACE : Phew! That's a relief. Zoner here is hung like a gnat, and-- TBS : Dude! > Zoner put on that sly little grin that infuriates me so. ARL: Is Ben talking about what irks him hypocrisy? > I declined to comment; it was too early. Not for the first time, I thanked > the cosmic planners that human beings aren't, as a general rule, able to > hear each other's thoughts. GAVOK : Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends! Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends! Garfield and Friends! [ALL stare at him.] GAVOK: What? > "Right then, Joyce Chen's ahoy," Zoner said as he started the > Suburban. I've always figured they called them that because they're > roughly the size of a New England suburb. At least Zoner hadn't > decided on the Hummer -- he wasn't quite that Combat Carl. Not that a > blacked out Suburban is exactly subtle. To date I've resisted the > urge to install little American flags on the front fenders or paint > "DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY OFFICIAL USE ONLY" on the tailgate. > The drive was unbearably long, at -least- 3 minutes, since > Joyce Chen's is directly across the street from the station. We > disembarked and made our way inside. > > We went through the usual routine: S.D. : For the love of *God*, will you *please* put some *pants* on? > "How many?" "Three" > "Smoking or non?" "Non" "Right this way please." I'd never make a > good host, I'd be way too tempted to ask patrons what their quest was, > or their favorite color, or something. ARL: That probably stems from your complete inability to be concise in any way, shape or form. > Most people don't think about it, but most of the time the life of a > street fighter, or a sometime spy, is actually pretty damn dull. MMK : Bored bored bored bored bored. GAVOK : Can't you keep it down? I'm trying to look after a multi-million dollar cargo plane here. MMK : But I'm bored! > Zoner, since he graduated college earlier that year, still > hadn't established just what it was he'd be doing. He didn't really > need to work, money wasn't an issue, but, as enticing as it sounds, > just sitting around doing nothing all day gets very maddening, very > quickly. MMK: Three words, man: Gee. Tee. Ai. ARL: Those are letters. MMK: What, so letters can't be words all of a sudden? You bigot. > I supposed he'd actually start flying regular cargo missions > more often or something, maybe start giving instruction. > I don't really need to worry about money either, making my > living as I do in a rather prosaic manner: I bet on my fights. I > don't want to seem immodest, but when you win as consistently as I > tend to (sixty-seven wins, two losses), MMK : And tell them who the losses were against. TBS : I'd rather not. MMK : Just tell 'em. It's cute! [TBS mutters something.] MMK : What was that? TBS : I SAID, I LOST TO SHAQUILLE O'NEAL AND BRIAN BATTLER! NOW SHUT UP! > that makes for a pretty > substantial income. Occasionally governments even pay me for my part > in our operations. I'm still not sure how I really feel about that, > not having set out to be in the black operations field. Then again, I > don't know what I'd be doing if not that. S.D.: Legal things? RACE: Legal things are insufficiently-- [RACE holds up his hands in front of his face and crosses his index fingers.] RACE: --XTREME! S.D.: Thanks for not clearing that up. > It certainly fills the time, and there have been times when, if I > hadn't been present, Zoner's career would have come to an abrupt and > painful end. GAVOK : And then there was that time that because I was present, we spent three years in a Turkish prison. MMK : I still sleep with the lights on. > Anyway, over the three years of my 'professional' career I've > built up a pretty sizeable nest egg, ARL: Oh, God. RACE: What? ARL: I just had the image of Gryphon flying around on a golden chocobo. S.D.: Poor little Chocobo. > which is sitting happily in a > bank earning enough interest for me to live comfortably on. I spend > most of my time training or gallivanting about with Zoner for the sake > of the experience. Besides, good friends stick together. ARL: These waffles are stuck together. MMK: Stickin' together's what good waffles do! S.D.: "Good friends." Riiiiiiiight... RACE: You're making an awful lot of yaoi comments, considering that Gryph's five-eight and three-hundred... unless you're into that-- S.D.: Finish that sentence and *die*. > If he got himself offed who would fly me to my fights? Egad, I'd have > to fly commercial. I hate flying commercial. Wedging a size 48 butt > into a size 42 seat isn't much fun. RACE: Maybe you should shed some of that size 48 butt. MMK: Maybe he's conflating his bulk with "junk in the trunk." TBS : Maybe they could make bigger airline seats. > "So, how'd the fight go?" Zoner inquired by way of an opening line. > "Oh, the usual. That first guy I hit as you left never got > up. Their quantity is going up but quality is going down. Henry Ford > would never have built good ninja... you can't just crank them out. > But then, when has Spain ever mass-produced anything decent? S.D.: Toledo steel... GAVOK: Conquistadores... TBS: The Spanish Inquisition... RACE: Spanish fly... ARL, RACE: ... and Spanish women. > What did you two get up to?" MMK: 'Cause you gotta gotta get up to get down. GAVOK: He speaks truth. > "Oh nothing much. Meg was just telling me her story really. > Let me fill you in..." TBS: One Gary-Shandling-esque Time Thingie later... > "They were downsized. I see." ARL: This would make an amusing Dilbert book. [A beat.] ARL: You know, if there was such a thing. > "Yeah, it really sucks," Meg chimed in. > "Your tax dollars at work. You seem to be dealing with it OK, > though." Zoner gave me one of those looks that said I didn't have the > whole story, but that he couldn't talk at the moment. MMK: Which would be Zoner Look #19, the "You don't have the whole story, but I can't talk at the moment" look. RACE : MMMPH! MMMPH BMMMPH BMMMMMMMPH! > (Yes, all that can be conveyed in a look if you know the person well > enough. [MMK smiles at GAVOK.] GAVOK: ... the stolen money is stashed in a black briefcase in safe deposit box #3,286 at the San Francisco International Airport? MMK: Close, but it was a brown briefcase. GAVOK: Damn it! > When you go through combat with someone you can get to know them rather > well.) I wonder how much of that look came from information he really > had, and how much of it came from his usual determination that > -everything- had to have a darker subtext somewhere in it. S.D. : Damn it, Zoner! For the last time, the Smurfs are *not* Satan-worshipping CIA midgets that eat the flesh off of alien drug lords operating out of Graceland! ARL : But Jim Marrs *said*... > "I've had some time to deal with it, but I'm still kind of > numb. There are days that I expect to get called into the SPL. Or > I'm watching the news and I feel like I should be there helping out. > You spend a major part of your life fighting the good fight and then > they tell you to quit cold turkey. Hell, I'm not even supposed to > appear in public as Rock-1. GAVOK: So she can't wear blue armor and fight against Dr. Wily. MMK: That's "Rockman," Gavok. GAVOK: Oh. Then she can't become an American cable station that plays classic/soft rock. MMK: That's "VH-1," Gavok. GAVOK: Then she can't hold concerts and sing "American Badass." MMK: That's "Kid Rock," Gavok. GAVOK: Then who's Rock-1? MMK: One of the clones of Duane Johnson that NESTS made during King of Fighters '99. GAVOK: Ohhhh yeah... > Some bogus security restriction or > something. For that matter I shouldn't be telling either of you all > of this. I have no idea why I'm doing it." > Zoner got that amused look of his. "Don't worry about it, > happens all the time. People meet me, give me their life story, and > then look confused because all they meant to do was say 'hi, nice day > isn't it?' RACE: Maybe they've got Auras of Exposition. > Besides, you couldn't pick a better pair to tell. MMK: Unless you talk to pants. > We keep our secrets, and I just might be able to help you out." > Uh-oh. Zoner was having an Idea with a capital 'I' and that's > what "I have a problem" starts with. > "What do you mean?" > "Well, so the OSI is basically history. Poof, gone. But! GAVOK : It does not have! MONGOLIAN CHOP! > There are plenty of other agencies out there with black budgets. > After all, they have to pay people like me. ARL: Say, who does pay Zoner? RACE: Pay to keep him away, maybe. > I'm sure I can help find > you a position with one of them. If you're interested, of course." > I knew what Zoner was interested in. I shouldn't say that -- > to be fair, he can be a fairly altruistic person -- but you didn't > have to be Sherlock Holmes to tell he had an interest in her. GAVOK : Man, I'd love to put my hand upon your little sexy ass and squeeze. And squeeeeeeeeeeeze! > Then again, she didn't seem to mind, and I couldn't particularly fault > him for it. > He looked at me as if he expected me to join in, so I did. > "Sure, let's see. There's NSA, CIA, MI-5, MI-6, IMF, FBI, ATF, > Mossad, SAS, SBS, Secret Service, GSG9, ARL: You sunk my Battleship! > Spectrum, Interpol, UNIT, UNCLE, CONTROL, DEA, NASA, NACA... " MMK : There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium... > I was starting to build up steam. GAVOK : Nicotine, caffeine, ecstasy, and alcohol! > "...TVA, WPA, SSA, FCC, FAA, NTSB, ICC, MBTA, BART, PBS, CBS, AFL-CIO, > AT&T, ITT, MCI, IBM... " ARL : ..and CPO Sharkey... you see, folks, it's all the same. > I seemed out of control by this time, but I > knew what I was doing. S.D. : S A, T U R, D A Y, Night! S A, T U R, D A Y, Night! > "...NBC, ABC, OSS, MTV, VH-1, A&E, TLC, KFC, > KLF, NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NHRA, CART, NASCAR, W3O, OSF, FSF, SCO, Ext2, > HPFS, CCITT, ITU-T, IETF, BGP(4)... " RACE : At this point, I just started banging my head on the keyboard. > Now I was just being silly. TBS, MMK : R E S P ECT, find out what it means to me... > "...RIPv2, OSPF, ISIS, VLSM, BRI, PRI, SPID, TEI, B8ZS, AMI, TCP, UDP, > ICMP, SPX, NCSA, RADIUS, TACACS, ACP... " ARL : ... IDDQD! GAVOK : IDKFA! RACE : IDCLEV! TBS : IDBEHOLD! S.D. : IDCLIP! MMK : IDSPISPOPD! TBS: ...cheater. [Everyone but MMK nods.] > Zoner was gasping for air > and waving for me to stop. Meg looked both amused and confused. > "...EIEIO." > That was all it took; Zoner nearly fell out of his chair. Meg > mildly injured herself snarfing green tea. RACE: Now they're crossing over to other cheesy '80s cartoons. > That was not my intention. ARL: No, the intention was to drown the audience in another overplayed joke. > I felt bad. > "Are you OK?" I asked. GAVOK : Yeah, I'm-- MMK : BUSTA WORLFF!! [MMK punches GAVOK in the arm, who oversells and flies across the theater. A long silence follows, with the others staring at at him.] MMK: What? ARL: ...did you just do something *besides* the "it doesn't matter" routine in response to a question? MMK: Well, yeah. TBS: The MMK I know would *never* do that... MMK: Yeah, well, I'm trying to branch out, and-- [TBS pulls out a towel and points it threateningly at MMK.] TBS: Who are you, and what have you done with the MMK?? [MMK pulls a mask off of his face, revealing GAVOK. Meanwhile, THE OTHER GAVOK gets up and walks back to his seat. TBS looks at GAVOK, then at THE OTHER GAVOK, and blinks.] TBS: ... S.D.: Ohhh-kay... RACE: ...what the hell? ARL: Dear sweet merciful Goddess, there's *two* of them. [THE OTHER GAVOK grins and pulls a mask off of his face, revealing MMK. He ^_^s.] MMK: Gotcha. > "Yeah." *cough* "I'm fine. Boy, that really clears your head. > I don't recommend it though." > We both paused to observe Zoner gasping like a fish. (Odd > expression, that, because when you come down to it a fish gasping > isn't really like a person gasping at all...) RACE: Um, Ben, the story? > I was just biding my time. MMK : For, I planned not only to cast down Bison in order to destroy him... I planned to supplant him! Bwa ha ha ha!!! RACE: Uh, Gryphon? We knew that. MMK : You did? [RACE nods] MMK : Did anybody not know that? [A short moment of silence passes.] MMK : Well, fudge! > He regained most of his composure and sipped some water to calm > things. I struck. TBS: "When Gryphons Attack," coming up next on FOX! > "Booger." S.D.: Not a Psycho Booger? You shame us all, Gryphon. > Zoner's cheeks immediately puffed as he fought to restrain the > water now trapped by the air that wanted to escape. He looked > remarkably helpless. What was going through his mind? RACE: Boobs. Defintely boobs. > Do I spew > water all over the table in front of this remarkably cute woman I've > only know for an hour? Is it any cooler to choke to death on water? ARL : What Would Cable Do? RACE : AIR... HYPER VIPER BEAM! > How long can I hold my breath anyway? GAVOK : How many licks *does* it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll tootsie pop? > By this time his lungs were aching for air and he had to do something. S.D.: Megazone stars in... "The Poseidon Adventure!" > I'm sure it didn't help to > have Meg and I watching him like hawks on nitrous. > In the end he managed to force the water down the right pipe > and dragged in the overdue breath. I think my ears popped from the > pressure drop. It was priceless. Ah, what are friends for? > "That was really cruel, Gryph," he croaked. > "I know." > "I hate you." > "I'm aware of that." MMK : I'm going to kill you. [pause] But I won't enjoy it. > Meg was trying to hide her giggles behind her hand. It was > working about as well as you'd expect. > "But," I reminded him, "it's worth it; by making you look like > a fool I've achieved temporary pack dominance." TBS : I'm the god! I'm the god! > Meg's giggles became slightly more pronounced. "You guys are > great." RACE : You're not saying that just because we're writing you that way, are you? S.D. : "Of course not!" RACE : Sweet. > "We try," we stereoed. > "I was serious, you know." Trust Zoner to snap the > conversation back to an old track. Sometimes he answers questions you > asked him hours ago and thought he ignored or didn't hear. > "I don't know," said Meg, ambivalent. > "Well, think about it." > "(Think about it.)" [ALL blink and look around.] RACE: Do the acoustics in this place seem a little off to you? ARL: There's a little bit of an echo, if that's what you mean... > "Think about it," Zoner finished. "I'm serious, I'd like to > help out if I can. From what you've told me it seems like everyone > else is dealing because they have things to occupy them. Maybe you > were just cut out for the heroine's part." Zoner ignored my rolling > eyes. He can really be corny sometimes. S.D.: Hey, Gryph, I've been going through alt.pot.kettle.black, and... > I busied myself with the > placemat. That was unsatisfactory. I hate those placemats, GAVOK : They *mock* me. > they remind me that I was born in the year of the Ox, an animal > uncomfortably close to being a bison. That doesn't sit well with me. > Maybe I'm paranoid. Still, it beat listening to Child of the Corn > over there. > "Thanks. That's very nice." > "Think nothing of it, m'lady." > That was too much. You haven't seen cheese until you've seen > Zoner's moves. TBS : HYPER VIPER BEAM! HYPER VIPER BEAM! HYPER VIPER BEAM! > It's like watching "Shaft's Big Score!" back to back > with "Master Ninja." It hurts. Deep down inside, it hurts. RACE: They've got some nice theme songs, though. > I had to so something fast, or I'd lose my humanity. S.D. : Fucking Vampire rules... I swear, I make a check every fifteen seconds. > "Sooo..." I clapped my hands together. "What d'you guys want?" > "Hmm? Oh, -food-. MMK: Make that two food. GAVOK: With a side of drink. > Right." Zoner had obviously first thought > of something else, but I wasn't touching that. > "I don't know, what do you guys recommend?" > I pitched my voice down into the Barry White range. "Meat." ARL : You're a vegetarian. GAVOK : [high-pitched voice] ...celery? > "Gryph is a real carnivore. Personally I have no idea, I've > only been here a couple of times before." > "Well," I said, drawing on my equally limited experience with > this particular restaurant, S.D. : ...urinal cakes taste like hatred. TBS : ...the bartender's name is *not* Missy. It is Steve. RACE : ...it's okay to tip your waitress, just don't *tip* your waitress. > "the noodle buffet is a way to get lots > of food for cheap. The chicken fingers rock. And the orange beef is > good. Other than that, you're on your own." > So we studied the menus for a while and did that classic > "group of people go out for Chinese and try to decide on dishes they > all like so they can share" debate. TBS: It's funnier when Abbott and Costello do it. > (This is especially entertaining > when the debate involves one or more especially weak-willed persons. MMK: ...but it's a lot more fun when you're with strong-willed ones! GAVOK: Like that time when were at Double M's, and we broke half a dozen tables and nearly every chair in the place arguing over what pizza toppings we wanted? MMK: Greatest. Lunch. *Ever.* GAVOK: IN-DEED. > Not a problem this particular evening.) But within five minutes we > had settled on an order. I filled Meg in on my story while we waited > for the food. I figured I knew Zoner's, Zoner knew mine, Zoner knew > Meg's, I knew Meg's, Meg knew Zoner's, ARL: But if Zoner knew Zoner's, and Grypon knew Meg's, then how did Meg know Meg's when Zoner knew-- [Something in ARL's head makes a loud popping noise.] GAVOK: Ouch. RACE: Poor guy. > so, for symmetry's sake, I should complete the loop. Besides, I'm not > much of a man of mystery, though I kept back a few of the more private > bits. S.D. : Like my short-lived career for Vivid Male. > Later, perhaps, if and when I knew her better. RACE : And then she'd see my private bits, if you get my drift. > MZ > I didn't pay much attention as Ben related his tale. S.D.: It's okay. Neither did we. > I knew > it all by now anyway, and he was leaving out a lot of the good bits. ARL : But that's what the DVD is for. > My mind was drifting on the topic of finding funds for Meg. S.D.: Oh, slick. Win her heart with money. > I know what you're thinking: MMK : Ten CDs for a dollar? No way! > "Oh, slick. Win her heart with money." You should be ashamed. S.D.: Don't you *dare* put me on a guilt trip, Zoner! ARL: He can't hear you, Shady. S.D.: Look, just... don't start with me, alright? > The money had nothing to do with it. I just hate seeing cool people > get a raw deal, and if I can rectify that in some way, good. S.D.: ...hey, *wait* a sec. RACE: Huh? S.D.: This isn't Legacy Zoner, it's Symphony Zoner! He's got the 'give lots of money to hot young women I've known for maybe ten minutes cumulatively, minus the attempts at comedy' schtick down *pat*! Just give Meg color-coded hair, and it *is* SotS. RACE: You know *far* too much about Eyrie. > And while I felt like a nervous schoolboy hoping the > object of his crush would give him the time of day, RACE : And if she doesn't, I'll write her into a fanfic where she does! ARL : Uh, Zoner...? > I wouldn't want anyone to like me because of what I did for them. > If Meg was going to like me I wanted it to be because of me. ARL: Oh, so he admits the reason why he writes his romances himself. >Yeah, I tend to get myself > into weird mental Mobius loops a lot. TBS: Then he has to run around really fast and get a bunch of emeralds together to stop a really fat guy from taking over a world populated entirely by furries. S.D. : Just like a circle in a spiral or a wheel within a wheel... > But while the personal matter was out of my control, the > professional was not. Meg would have to decide on her own if that was > what she wanted. I would never pressure anyone into a decision like > that; S.D. : And you call yourself a self-insertion author? For shame! MMK : Of course, I could just write her as agreeing then. > it isn't fair. But if that is what she wanted, then I would do > what I could to get it for her. GAVOK : So I would walk five hundred miles. And I would walk five hundred more. Just to be the man who'd walk a thousand miles and fall down at that door. > And I was fairly confident that I could do it. RACE : Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! > She seemed to be doing what I had done. TBS: She was getting a tattoo of Spongebob Squarepants on her backside. > Going to school for > music seems like a natural course for her, after all, but I could tell > her heart wasn't really into it. I did the same thing. I loved > aircraft, I loved to fly, and I had an aptitude for engineering; S.D.: He had a spanner, a nailgun, some EMP grenades... GAVOK: ...and karma. > so it seemed natural to major in Aerospace Engineering. Except I found > it bored me to tears. The hard part was realizing that in the first > place. I thought it was me, that I just wasn't cut out for college. > Once I wised up to the root of the problem ARL : Me. S.D. : And my love for Gryphon... > and changed majors, I had a > much better time and actually enjoyed what I was doing. MMK : And who knows, a degree in Medieval Plumbing may yet come in handy. > Sure, so I ended up with a double major in Technical Writing and History. > It isn't all that unusual for people to have careers in areas completely > unrelated to their degrees. RACE : I swear by my computer programming degree that I will become the greatest fighter ever! > Besides, the History degree comes in handy at times on our trips. GAVOK: Ah. Zoner hangs out with Peabody. S.D. : Hey Gryph, do you realize that wall you're smashing that mook's head into was constructed in the sixteenth century to defend against-- ARL : Not *now*, Zoner... > So I never got that aerospace degree. But I still loved aircraft. MMK: And we have the pictures to prove it! > Aircraft? Something in the back of my mind was awakening. TBS : It was late for work and had a breakfast burrito. > Wait, didn't the Bionic Six have a plane? What was it? I remember > looking at it almost as much as (ok, more than, I'm a geek) Rock-1. I > had a big poster of it, an "artist's interpretation", big white and > red B-1 ARL: Miss. S.D.: Dammit! > -like plane chasing an F-4, S.D.: You hurt my hearse! ARL: Hah! Take that! > and while I was mentally picturing that poster something in my mind went > click. GAVOK : Ah, I see Zoner has a mind that goes "click!" > "Sky Dancer!" GAVOK : Fly for me, fly for me, Sky Dancers fly for me! S.D. : Toui sora no mannaka de/Dareka o matteiru... MMK: That's Sky *Dreamer*. > Having been interrupted by a seemingly unrelated exclamation, > Ben looked understandably puzzled. GAVOK : But then, that's how he always looks, so I couldn't be sure... > Meg was momentarily startled, but recovered quickly. > "What about it?" > "Whatever happened to it?" > "Beats me. Last I saw of it the government was taking it away. S.D. : They say it knew too much. MMK : Take it awaaay, 'cause it just don't wanna stay, and the lies you make it saaay are gettin' deeper every day... > They pretty much cleaned out the SPL when they let us all go. > They loaded Sky Dancer up with the Mule ARL: ...who rewrote Zoner and Gryphon's minds so that they were totally loyal to him, then took over the universe, only to be stopped at the last minute by *another* smarmy overpowered bastard. The End. > and the rest of our gear and flew it out. I haven't seen it since then. > Why?" We had left Ben far behind; he had no clue what we were talking > about. But he seemed comfortable, knowing he'd be sucked into it in the > end - whatever it was. GAVOK : What's the Sky Dancer? MMK : Goddammit, Ben! Not everything begins and ends when you say it does! You're out of your element! S.D. : So anyway... GAVOK : I am the Walrus. MMK : Shut the fuck up, Ben! You're out of your element! S.D. : Fuck it. Let's bowl. > "Well, it seems a shame to let such a fine aircraft go to > waste. Maybe we could find it. And if we find it we may find the > rest of your gear." S.D.: ...then you can fix it with nanomachines and drive it around between the half-hour long shots of the main characters sitting in the spotlight. MMK: Well! I see we've got ourselves a Xenogears hater! GAVOK : Get a rope. > G > Zoner had that gleam in his eyes that meant I was going to get > sucked into this mess whether or not I wanted to. He had a mission, > and by God nothing was going to stand in his way. GAVOK : Hey Zoner, want to see a bear ride a motorcycle? TBS : Do I ever! Let's *roll*!! > When he got his > teeth around the bit there was no stopping him. MMK : This Proton Energy Pill gives me the power of ten atom bombs in ten seconds! > Besides, I didn't > have anything on the agenda for the excruciatingly near future. ARL : Wait, Iron Chef is on... *damn* it! > Meg looked uncertain -- understandable, really. Zoner's plans > always sound like harebrained schemes, mainly because they're > harebrained schemes. ARL : I have a cunning plan, Gryphon. S.D. : Zoner, you wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked in front of you shouting "Cunning plan, cunning plan!" > We almost always manage to pull it together, though. > Just about then the food arrived, effectively ending that > branch of conversation. I could tell Zoner was still thinking about > it, though; he always gets a bit distant when he's running a major > background job. TBS: He might need more RAM. RACE: Believe me, with Meg in the story, Zoner's going to get all the RAM he needs... > Instead of duplicating his effort, I mulled over what she had > told me. Something about it was nagging at me, something had popped > up a red flag in my memory, but I hadn't been able to pin down what it > was. I ran through the story again in my head, and then lit on what > had rung the mental bell. TBS : Then I gave it a mental cookie. MMK: Food for thought? [ALL groan.] > "Hey, Meg... did you say you had a brother named Bunji?" > She blinked at me, then said, "Yeah. Like I said, he's in Hong Kong." > "Is that short for 'Bunjiro'?" > "Yeah, it is, why?" > "Well, can you beat that? I know him. ARL : I met Burt Ward at a gas station. TBS : Damn! > Well, I've -met- him, I know him to say 'hi' to." > "Really? How'd you meet him?" GAVOK : We played Russian Roulette together. > "Last time I hit a tournament in Hong Kong he was there," I > replied. "Not fighting, just watching. He hangs out with Fei Long, > the kung fu champ." The last time I was in Hong Kong I fought Fei > Long, and beat him narrowly, with about as much luck as skill; RACE: And about as much plot contriving as luck and skill *combined*... > neither > of us were World Warriors at the time, but he had trained even harder > after that defeat and had reached the bracket six months before me. > Zoner blinked. "Oh yeah! The guy who worked Fei Long's > corner -was- named Bunjiro, wasn't he? I forgot all about it." > Meg nodded. "Fei Long is helping Bunji get his movie career > off the ground. MMK : Hey, I know what it's called! Box Office Poison! > He was a big action star before he started street > fighting. I guess you could say he's Bunji's mentor." > "Small world, isn't it?" > > Our meal over, we hit the awkward stage of the day: RACE : For some reason we agreed that we'd bathe together once every day. > going our separate ways. Evening was hinting at the possibility that > it might be considering the ramifications of starting to gather in > the eastern sky, ARL: "It was getting dark." > and Zoner and I were heading back to Worcester. Zoner gave Meg > one of his cards; S.D. : "How to play Black Jack"? > she took another from him, scribbled her number on > the back of it and returned it, ARL : 212-479-7990? You've got the same number as the last girl I met... > then waved off his offer of a lift back into town. > "Driving in Boston with this landmass? I don't think so. > We're right next to the station, I'll just take the T." MMK: I pity da foo' who thinks they can take the T. > "Well... if you're sure." > "Relax, I ride the T all the time. I know a thing or two > about self-defense," she said with a grin. S.D.: She knows jeet kune do, karate, Muay Thai and seventeen other very dangerous martial arts styles' names! > Zoner chuckled. "OK," he said, "but be careful." > "I will." She stepped up to Zoner and did her best to kiss > his cheek. ARL: No, wait, I read that as "did her best to avoid"... > "Call me." > "Count on it. And think about my offer," he added. TBS: Yes, ma'am, it's an offer you can't... think about without retching. > "I will, seriously. S.D. : Right. ARL : Honest. MMK : For sure! GAVOK : Keep smiling 'til he's out of sight... keep smiling 'til he's out of sight... then hurl. > Nice meeting you, too, Gryphon." > "It was lovely meeting you, too, and I'm glad you're feeling > much better," I said. "You're still very pale, though. You need more > sun." > "You're silly," she said. "I don't even play the cello. RACE : Uh, what? I said, "You're still very pale, though! You need more sun!" > Bye!" > It took me a moment to realize that she had not only parsed my > reference but come around the back side of it, ARL: That's nice. Do you mind telling *us* what the hell it means? > and by then, she was > across the street and heading into the big gray bulk of the station, > past the big silver disc with the 'T' knocked out of it they have > standing out by the bus stops. > "You know," I declared as I watched the glass doors close > behind her, "I believe I like that girl." > "Yeah," murmured Zoner absently. MMK : All right, love...whatever love wants. Just don't start in on the bit, that's all. > We drove home in relative silence; Zoner was still mulling > over his offer to Meg, and for that matter, so was I. It had been a > remarkably weird day, but, oddly enough, not our weirdest. S.D. : The time when we flew our college dorm into outer space, met our nigh-omnipotent benefactor and told Iczer-2 to wait while we argued before she killed us was our weirdest. Maybe. > When we > got home, I took Fury for a romp in the park as a reward for staying > home all day. Fascist hotel administrators, not allowing pets. GAVOK: Specifically not allowing FURY! LOONS: YAY FURY! > Maybe I should feign blindness. ARL: Maybe you should feign being a deaf-mute with no fingers and no computer. MMK: Easy, there. > With a bloodhound? Probably wouldn't > work... them hotel administrators is smart. > When we returned, panting and damp, an hour later, MMK: You know, if you thought about it, that sentence could sound really wrong... [A beat. S.D. and RACE twitch.] MMK <^_^ing>: Ah, you thought about it, didn't you? I warned you, but did you listen? Nooo... S.D.: I'm sending all my therapy bills to you, Knight. > he was in > the same position on the couch. It had gotten fully dark, but he had > been too busy thinking to turn on any lights, so I did it before > heading to the master bathroom for a shower. RACE: Curiously, though, the light levels remained the same. S.D. : So, Zoner... what does it feel like to be a character in a dream? > When I came back from > that, wearing old sweats and scrubbing at my hair with a towel, he was > still there, staring into space. Fury was sitting next to the couch, > regarding him as one might regard a particularly intriguing piece of > statuary, ARL: Like Rodin's unknown masterpiece "The Mary Sue"? S.D.: Oh my God! *The lost Moore!* > but he lost interest when I entered the room, deciding to > curl up instead next to my armchair. MMK: I must say I agree with him. ALL: YAY FURY! > I had been thinking about the same things as Zoner, so I > figured it was time to offer my input. > "Before you plan the sneak, we should figure out how we're > going to cover our collective ass." TBS: "Collective ass?" This is some sort of Commie thing, isn't it? > He jumped. Apparently he hadn't realized I was sitting there. > "Huh?" he said, his train of thought derailed. > "I said," I repeated, "'Before you plan the sneak, we should > figure out how we're going to cover our collective ass.'" > He smiled. "You're in, then?" S.D. : As a third wheel, yeah. > "If we do it right," I replied, leaning back and dropping a > hand to scratch at Fury's ears. "I'm not interested in boosting > expensive experimental stuff from the government and getting plastered > all over the wanted lists, but if we can figure out a way to do it at > least semi-official-like, I have no objection to rounding up some > equipment and the like." ARL: So you have no problems stealing top-secret military equipment, so long as you don't get caught. You're a real bastion of morality, you know that? > "Yeah, that's the angle I've been trying to figure," Zoner > admitted. RACE : This one's 2x plus 20, and the ones around it are 3x plus 10, x plus 50 and 5x minus 10... > "OSI is history and I don't think we can get them > reinstated; espionage and enforcement have been completely taken out > of DoD's hands. There are possibilities in the CIA, or maybe the NSA > or the IMF, although deniabilty is real low when you've got a motif as > distinctive as the Bionic Six, and now more than ever deniability is > the name of the game." MMK: Deniability! By Milton Bradley! > "MI-5 is too traditional and MI-6 is having budget problems as > it is," I observed. "Maybe what we need to do is start a new agency. GAVOK: The Men in Plaid. > Independent contractors have been used for that kind of work before. > I'm not talking about freelance operatives like us, who get hired from > job to job like temp secretaries, I'm talking about whole third-party > agencies who the Powers that Be TBS : Ashby and McLees? > work with 'cause they get the job > done. The espionage equivalent of the difference between a lone > bounty hunter and a well-organized merc army." > "Isn't Spectrum like that?" ARL : This is the voice of the Mysterons. We know that you can hear us, Earthman. > "More or less. Right now Spectrum Intel - the Rainbow Group - > is part of the UN Intel Taskforce under Lethbridge-Stuart, along with > Cammy's group from MI-6 and some special operatives from Interpol. > The big anti-Shadolu task force. SHIELD is still independent, though. GAVOK: YAY NICK FURY! S.D.: There's a completely pointless Dr. Who cameo in all that. How many does it make so far? ARL: Somewhere between more than enough and way too many. > So is International Rescue, come to think of it." RACE : Plus one... TBS: But what about Action Force? Where do they fit in to all this? > "Should you even know about that UNIT thing?" > "Don't see why not - I'm a reserve officer in Spectrum, lest > you forget; I haven't been activated, but the last time I checked I > still had Rainbow-level clearance. S.D.: Just can't hide that pride, can you? TBS: Rainbow? Is that better than Ultraviolet or worse than Infrared? ARL: It's Gryph. Rainbow's higher than the *Computer's* clearance. > But before you ask, no, Cammy > didn't tell me. The Brigadier did, oddly enough. He's probably going > to push Spectrum to activate me so he can draft me one of these days, > since I work along those same lines anyway in my spare time." GAVOK: And then SHODAN's gonna show up, and the whole damn thing'll go *straight* to hell. > "Nice work if you can get it." Zoner considered. "If we did > that, we'd have to get recognition from a couple of the big national > agencies before anyone would take our new group seriously." RACE: I think you've got a lot further to go then that. > "Yeah," I agreed. "I can talk to Admiral Messervey, Colonel > White and Nick Fury, but you'll have to deal with NSA and IMF. It's > certainly feasible -- look at International Rescue. S.D. : R-E-S, C-U-E, Rescue Aid Society... TBS: F.A.B. > They go so far as to keep their identities secret, but they do good > work, so nobody hassles them." TBS: Except for the Claw. GAVOK: Aw, Ben could take him down easy. > I paused for a moment as a thought hit me. "Still, we > have to keep in mind - we're never going to get anywhere without the > cooperation of the CIA. You don't do anything in Western intel > without at least the CIA's tacit approval." MMK : You have to fill up form A-1969-B in quintuplicate and submit your right arm for decontamination. > "Hmm... " Zoner sat back on the couch and lost himself in > thought as we both pondered the big question: GAVOK: Who in their right mind would want to buy a ticket to see Like Mike? > who did we know in the CIA who would go for something this wild, and be > senior enough to make his support meaningful? MMK: The answer is, you guessed it, Frank Stallone. > Click. > I looked up and saw Zoner looking up at me. [S.D. begins to hum the theme song to "Love, American Style."] RACE: Hey! > "Jim Greer," we said together. > "*3," I said as Zoner grabbed the phone and started searching > the end table for the Filofax. S.D. : Just dial INTERPOL-*! > "Thanks," said Zoner, punching the speed-dial code. > "It's 9:30 on a Saturday night," I pointed out. "He's > probably not going to be in." > "You never know," said Zoner. "Hi, yes. My name is Martin > Zorn, I'd like to speak to Admiral Greer if he's available. TBS : I'm sorry, he's married. > Yes, I'll hold." There was a somewhat lengthy pause. ARL : Their hold music is someone reciting "The Charge of the Light Brigade." RACE : That's not a good sign. > "Jim? Marty Zorn. Is this line secure? Got a few minutes?" > > MZ > "Yes, it's secure. Do you have any idea what time it is?" Jim > Greer growled at me as I switched him to the speaker phone. > "9:30," I replied. "What's that got to do with anything? The > Eyes of Democracy never close in sleep." MMK: They do take occasional catnaps, however. > "True," Greer admitted gruffly, then relented. "All right, go > ahead. I was just going over some old files and materials reqs > anyway. What's on your mind?" GAVOK : They call them "fingers" but I've never seen them "fing". > "Can you pull your file on the Office of Scientific > Intelligence, used to be part of DoD? TBS: ...they used to be part of the Damsels of Distress? Don't they need to talk like dirtbags for that? > They got shut down by the Bush > administration in '91." > "OSI? What do you want to know about them?" MMK : It's about those spandex suits of theirs. I want to know where I can get one. > demanded Greer, a suspicious note creeping into his voice. > "Not much, just the disposition of some of their personnel and > equipment." > "Damn it, Zoner, this isn't my lunch order you're asking for, > you know." S.D. : I knoooooooooooooow. > "I'm well aware of that, Admiral. That's why I called you." > "You're up to something, aren't you." It wasn't a question. > "You know us, Jim," Ben interjected. "Always thinking of ways > to help our fellow human beings. Listen, when Bush shut down OSI a > bunch of good people got screwed. RACE : ...and I'm doing all this to make sure a great guy gets screwed, ifyaknowwhatImean. > We're working on an angle to help them out, make it up to them a > little, and we thought maybe you could give us a hand." MMK : We want you to feud with them until losing a cage match at the PPV and putting them over. > There was a pause. > "This is the United States Government you're talking about," > said Greer at length. "We don't -do- that sort of thing." ARL: Arrgh! Embedded _Sneakers_ metareference! > "Oh, come on, Jim," I said. "You remember what you told me > and Ryan back during that mess with the IRA? RACE : I know I told him that he didn't look a thing like Ben Affleck. TBS: I don't *remember* Zoner being in _Patriot Games_... S.D.: ...tell me this isn't going to take a left turn into Canada getting invaded by Hello Kitties. > Sometimes you've got to > forget about the procedures and do the Right Thing. RACE : Screw federal law! I need you to do this so I can score! > Look, just pull the files and read 'em, and you'll see what I mean. > Read the files and then decide, OK?" GAVOK : If you don't, I'll sulk! > "OK," Greer agreed. "But no promises!" > "Got a pen?" ARL : That's classified! > "I'm sitting at my desk, pen in hand, just waiting for you to > call and give me more work to do." > "Eternal vigilance," said Gryph, "is the price of liberty." S.D.: It's remarks like that that got him on Reagan's enemies list. RACE: He would've been in grade school, if that. S.D.: He's good. > "Give me the names," said Greer. > "OK. Goldman, Oscar. G-O-L-D-M-A-N, LOONS : Goldmaaaaan... Goldmaaaaan... > just like it sounds. Used to be the Director of OSI." > "Mm hmm." > "Wells, Dr. Rudy, probably short for Rudolph." ARL : We use his name instead of saying "God." > "Rudy Wells the cyberneticist?" > "The same. I take it you've heard of him." MMK : Nope, doesn't ring a bell. > "He did some prosthetics work for the Air Force back in the > seventies. Nothing ever came of it, as I recall." > I shot Ben a bemused glance. "Sharp, Dr. Amadeus, that's > A-M-A-D-E-U-S." GAVOK: R-O-C-K M-E! > "Him I've never heard of. Anyone else?" > "Yes. Six more, all with the same last name, Bennett. > B-E-N-N-E-T-T. Jack, probably a nickname for John; Helen; Eric; J.D., > I don't know what it stands for; Bunjiro; and... " It occurred to me > that I didn't know if 'Meg' was short for something else. Probably. > "... and Meg, probably short for Margaret or Megan or some such." > There was a long pause and the sound of a pen scratching on paper. RACE : Little lower... ah, right there. Great... > "OK," said Greer. "I'll pull the files, I'll look them over, > and then if I'm interested I'll call you and we'll talk about your > plans. Fair enough?" > "More than fair," I replied. "Talk to you soon." S.D. : Kisses! Pet Fluffy for me. > When I hung up, I noticed Gryph was looking thoughtful again; > presently, he said, "You know, we should probably consider the > possibility that we're not going to be able to recruit the rest of > them. RACE: We didn't make *one god damn left turn in Muse*, and now we *can't*. MMK: Bitter? RACE: *No*! MMK: You're bitter. RACE : ...Nanami... MMK: There, there. > From what Meg was telling us, it sounds to me like her brothers > have their own lives, and it wouldn't surprise me if her parents were > enjoying their retirement." > I shrugged. The thought had occurred to me, but what could I > do about it either way? Not much. > Wait. > Jack Bennett. > My brain did another of those tickle things. I knew that name. RACE : Didn't he get killed at the end of _Commando_? > Where did I know that name from? Argh! I'm terrible with names. TBS: Ooh! I know! He did the voices of Owen, and Brooklyn, and the Magus! MMK: That's *Jeff* Bennett. TBS: Then he must be one of the cast of the original "Dark Shadows". GAVOK: That's *Joan* Bennett. TBS: Blonde wrestler, smiles alot, had a guitar? GAVOK: Jeff Jarret. TBS: Wasn't he imprisoned in Reading Goal? MMK: That was *Oscar Wilde,* man. TBS: Ah, yes. He had that web page. Amusing opening graphic. GAVOK: No, that was Alex Valle. TBS: Right. Thanks. > The next two hours crawled past. I refrained from biting my > nails, and watched some show about war on the Discovery Channel ("All > Hitler, all the time"). ARL: Actually, that would be the History Channel. MMK: Where Fascism is Fun! > Gryph, the picture of unconcern, sprawled on > the other couch reading his book. In his head he was probably > composing his pitch to Colonel White. MMK : Mi mi mi mi mi... so fa mi re do... [ALL groan.] > The phone rang. I think I may have picked it up before the > bell actually started ringing. > "Jim Greer," said that unmistakable voice. RACE : This. Is. C. N. N. > "Where did you get > this list of people? Those last six are especially interesting, in a > you-shouldn't-know-about-them sort of way." GAVOK : I could tell you, but then you'd have to kill me. I mean... > "Oh, come on, Jim, you're not going to start splitting > clearances -now-, are you?" ARL : Since you called me on an unsecure landline, and all. RACE : Oh, *fuck*. > Greer made an irritated rumbling noise, then relented. "All > right, I'm assuming you know that the Bennett family used to be > special operatives." > "Yes, I know about the Bionic Six." MMK: As did any kid with a TV in the 80's... > "OK, then. Are you going to tell me what you're up to?" TBS : Well, I'm up to about page 39, where Peter Pan first mannyfests 'imself. > "I know Meg, aka Rock-1, and she isn't dealing with the whole > 'back to a normal life' thing very well. She didn't have anything to > fall back on; I'm worried about her." > "And?" > "Well, I want to help her out." > "And?" RACE : And, see, she looks like she's not getting enough Vitamin Z, ifyaknowhatimean, and-- [ARL makes a click sound. S.D. imitates a dialtone.] > "OK, I was thinking of setting up a front agency for her to > work for, get some of their gear back, find out what the good doctors > are up to, etc., etc." S.D. : Face it, you wanna screw her like a bunny in heat. > Greer sighed. "You can't leave well enough alone, can you." > "Not when good people get screwed. RACE : Or when good people *could* get screwed. Heh heh... ARL: All right, Race, Zoner's doing this so he can get laid. Now shut up. > I'd rather do this without having to watch my back the whole time, > but either way... So, can you help?" > He took on a cautious tone. "What do you need from me?" RACE : Guns. Lots of guns. > "First, I need you to stay out of it. I don't want the CIA to > shut this operation down. The way I look at it, it isn't a threat and > it may turn into a valuable resource." ARL: So you think that, even though you're setting up a barely-legal mercenary-slash-special forces organization both behind the government's back *and* under its nose, they're going to be all right with it? S.D.: Of course they are. It's *Gryphon*. The only time any Earth government got mad at him, all they managed to do besides fuck themselves was blow up the Enterprise in such a way as to both rip off and preclude 'Star Trek: Generations'. [pause] Not that that's a *bad* thing, mind you. > "OK." GAVOK: Right. Some guy calls up in the middle of the night and demands that your agency not interfere with anything and without telling you why and you just go along with it, Mr. Big Shot CIA Guy? [Pause] ARL: Yeah, what he said. > "Second, I'll need to know the locations of the good doctors > Wells and Sharp, and any remaining equipment." > "Your secured fax still the same?" > "Yes, and the scrambler code is up to date as of last Thursday." > "All right, you'll have that data shortly. And you didn't get > it from me, you hear? When you're done with it, burn it." > "Loud and clear, roger wilco. One more thing." > "Naturally. What would it be?" He had that 'uh-oh' tone in > his voice. S.D. : He knows I killed Hoffa, doesn't he. MMK: Ah, Jim Greer Tone #17. > "If you get other agencies poking around about this, can you > deflect them for us?" > "Ohh, no," said Greer in his 'now that's going too far' tone. MMK: Greer Tone #57! TBS: I thought that was the "my coffee tastes funny" tone. MMK: That's #47. TBS: Ah. > "The Company is not going to get burned on this one. I'll do what > I can, but if they catch on, your on you're own. Understand?" > "Completely." > "Mr. Hutchins?" > "Yeah?" Ben replied. > "Do -you- understand?" MMK: The part of Greer will be played by Benimaru. > "I just go where Zoner tells me to and hit the people that > have to be hit, Jim. Hired muscle with no opinions." GAVOK: It's Robert B. Parker without... without... [He snaps his fingers and looks at TBS.] TBS: Timing or wit? GAVOK: *Thank* you. > "Try to be serious, if only for a moment, will you?" came > Greer's voice, weary-sounding. > "If you insist. Yes, I understand. Skirting the corners of > national security is always a chancy business. If we screw up, you'll > throw us to the wolves. All right?" MMK: Fury can probably negotiate with the wolves anyway. TBS : Wolves mate for life, right? S.D. : Vell? TBS : Wish *I* could. > "Good enough. Gentlemen?" > "Yes?" we chimed. S.D. : Oranges and lemons, sang the bells of Saint Clemens... > "Good luck." > "Thanks." And with that the connection dropped. The fax > beeped almost immediately. > "Well, I guess we should start making some calls." > "Why don't we wait until morning," said Ben. "I hardly think > anyone will be very favorable at, close to midnight on a Saturday. > Let alone the Brits - it's what, 5 AM there? I can never remember if > they do daylight savings time. At any rate, M. might be up, but I > doubt he wants to talk shop that early in the morning." > "Yeah, you're right. (They do.) TBS: But I think they call it Summer Time. > Ah, it'll give us more time > to go over this data anyway. Here, this is the stuff on the > scientists... why don't you talk to them tomorrow. I'll see what I > can do about the equipment. And, of course, we'll have to talk to a > few agencies. I'll see what I can do on their systems. If we're > lucky we'll have all of them thinking the others are behind it." > "Yeah, and if we're not they'll all be looking at us." > "Ah, you have to have the right attitude." > Ben just glared at me. > "I'm about to violate the National Security Act and who knows > what other important laws so you can impress some chick you met at a > music festival, and you're talking about 'the right attitude'." > I shrugged. > "Well, fine," he said, getting up. "I'm going to bed. > There's no sense violating Federal law without sufficient rest." MMK: Somewhere in Liberty City, a nameless wheelman has a motivational poster with that phrase on his wall. > G MMK: Word, dawg. GAVOK: I've already taken care of G. You're next. > The next morning, after lingering in bed as long as I could > possibly justify it to myself, GAVOK: I lingered some more. > I got up, showered, took the dog for a > walk, and then went to deal with the day's arduous job. ARL: Working as a bingo caller. S.D: Why does the world need another description of Ben's Usual Morning? > This is the kind of task that no high-school or college-level > English class can really prepare a person for: RACE: Waxing Zoner's disgustingly hairy back. > calling a retired > government scientist up out of the blue, as a total stranger, and > recruiting him for a project that wanders around the jagged edge of > legality. ARL: I'm sure you want the orbital death-ray cannon for perfectly normal reasons and not anything dangerous or the like. > Fortunately, I didn't have to approach it cold; I may not > have as many connections as Zoner, but I have good ones. TBS : Just how did you know about the stocks going down, Mr. Hutchins? MMK : Excuse me, I'm making a salad. > "Who are you calling first?" Zoner asked as I plonked down on > the couch and picked up the phone. "Dr. Sharp?" > "No," I replied. "Benton Quest." GAVOK: Unfortunately, he's too busy with a custody battle with Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law! > Zoner looked perplexed. "Who?" > "Benton Quest," I repeated. "You know. Founder of the Quest > Foundation. President of Quest Industries. S.D.: Maker of Quest Pancakes. Owner of the Quest Pinto. > Seeker of ancient wisdom. RACE: So he's on a quest for wisdom. MMK: That's *nothing*! I know a Bomberman that places bombs! ARL: ... [...that might need work.] > That Benton Quest." > "You know Benton Quest? GAVOK : I *know* Benton Quest! MMK : Then let me buy you a round! > You never mentioned it before." > "Yeah, I went to high school with his son." Gryphon chuckled. ARL: So let me get this straight: Johnny Quest went to school in *Worcester*. MMK: Everybody who's *anybody* goes to school in Worcester! > "Not that Jonny showed up for school much. He was usually busy > scrounging around the world seeking the unknown." ARL: So, what, he seeks it, those other guys challenge it? RACE : Because you know, hot chicks covered in body paint are neat. S.D: For some reason, Jonny as described here sounds a lot like DJ Croft. Can't figure why... > "You have some pretty out-there connections," Zoner observed. > "Et tu, Mr. I-Have-Jim-Greer-On-Speed-Dial?" I replied. "I > hope they're home... they aren't, all that often." > "What are you calling Benton Quest for?" TBS : I need a ride to the supermarket and your car smells. > "Shh! It's ringing." > Fortunately, they were home; after three rings, there was a > click, and a familiar voice answered, GAVOK: Oddly enough, it was "Howling Mad" Murphy. > "Quest Compound." > "Hey, Race!" RACE: Hiya. > I replied. "How's business?" > "Who is this?" Race Bannon's voice replied, sounding puzzled. TBS : And what's that heavy breathing? You want to know what I'm wearing? > "You don't recognize my voice?" I said, trying to put as much > disappointment in my tone as I could. > "No," replied Race. "Should I?" GAVOK : Palm Beach, 1989. You said you were going out for ice in the morning, but then you never came back to me.... > "Well, I'll give you a hint," I said. "I'm the smartass who > gave you the 'World's Greatest Mom' mug for Christmas one year." MMK : Oh, that could be anybody. S.D.: -- wait, Gryphon works for Cartoon Network, too? > For a moment, I thought he might have forgotten; as the > silence stretched into two moments I began to suspect he remembered, > but no longer found it as amusing as he had then. RACE : As the two moments became a jiffy, I realized that I really needed to run to the bathroom. > Then I realized he'd muted the phone so I wouldn't be deafened by > his guffawing into the receiver. ARL : HAW. HAW. HAW. > He came back on, his voice a little shaky with residual > chuckles, GAVOK : I... left the nitrous on. Excuse me. > to exchange some pleasantries. > "Hey, is Dr. Quest handy?" I asked afterward. "I've got a few > questions for him." GAVOK : Why do they call him Silent Bob anyways? > "Sure, hold on... let me put you on speaker," said Race. MMK: Absolute proof that deep down, Race really hates Gryphon too. > "Wish I had one of those cool video phones you guys make," I said. TBS: Well, hey, if you started a *Pokemon* SI series, then-- > "You'd need ISDN," Race replied. > "Oh, well, hell, forget that," I scoffed. "By the time NYNEX > gets around to installing it, humanity will have developed long-range > telepathy." > Race chuckled again, and then the sound became wide, cavernous, and echoey. GAVOK : HAW. HAW. HAW. I'M HUGE! > "Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?" > "Go ahead, Ben," came the voice of Benton Quest. > "Well, I don't know any slick way of jumping into this, so > I'll just go directly, I guess. RACE : Are you busy this Saturday night? MMK : Do you like pancakes? > Do you know a couple of scientists, > names of Amadeus Sharp and Rudy Wells?" > "I've met Dr. Sharp a few times, yes, at conferences," replied > Quest. "I know him to say hello to. Dr. Wells I only know by > reputation. Why?" S.D. : Do you know if he likes me? > "Well, I've got a proposition for you, and I needed to make > sure you didn't have any sort of weird scientist rivalry with them, > 'cause they're involved." ARL : Well there was that one time I created eight killer robots to do yard work and he stole them and reprogrammed them for evil. But that's water under the bridge! > "I see." He had that intrigued tone I knew him to get from > time to time. It was a good sign. > "Well, it's like this. Ever heard of the Bionic Six?" GAVOK : Wasn't Dr. Octopus a member? MMK : No, that's the Sinister Six. GAVOK : What about Lee the scared cowboy? MMK : No, that's the Magnificent Seven. GAVOK : Okay okay. The Bionic Six are the guys who fight the Coyotes. MMK : No, that's the Vigilante 8. GAVOK : They're science heroes who guard New York City! MMK : No, that's the Five Swell Guys. GAVOK : Oh. Then what is the Bionic Six? MMK : It's that movie where Rocky beats up the Russian. Duh! > MZ > While Ben was busy calling around, I prowled around online. S.D. : This ninja site rules! TBS: And by "rules" I mean "is totally sweet." > Greer's info confirmed what I had suspected. GAVOK: Bruce Wayne really is Batman. > Most of the Bionic Six's equipment was stored in Sky Dancer, ARL: -- wait, the girly version of those goddamn "Dragon Flyz" things? > which in turn was stored at Area 51 in Nevada. MMK: Which in turn was under a rock in Canada. > That figured, I expected it, but wasn't exactly pleased > about it. It was going to take some work getting in and out of there. > The remainder of the equipment was scattered about. MMK : The living room, the den, the kitchen, even the *bathroom*! > The OSI offices and the SPL had been gutted, nothing left there. GAVOK : ASAP on the QED, PT. Crap, BRB. MMK: What about the ASPL? Huh? ARL: Or the Scoutmaster, for that matter. > Dr. Sharp had managed to keep most of his critical instruments; S.D. : Gentlemen, I'm afraid that your story really sucks. > I hoped Ben was > able to convince him to sign on. It looked like most of the major > bionizing equipment was stored at an Army research lab - I'm wasn't > sure I wanted to know what they were doing with it. RACE: Don't worry, they're just gonna use it to make Superpatriot. S.D.: Or they could be building an army of atomic supermen. ALL: PULL THE STRING!! > Maybe I'll ask Greer someday, maybe not. It didn't matter much > anyway - I didn't anticipate needing to bionize anyone else. TBS: Bionize an egg! That would rock! GAVOK: I dunno, Gryph... "Fury the Bionic Wonder Dog" has a nice ring to it... > A few other items had gone to various DARPA contractors as > technology demonstrators, but since there was only Meg we didn't need > to equip a team. With Sky Dancer, the Mule, ARL: I'd better not hear one fucking *word* about "Donkey Bread." > and a couple of quad > runners all stored together, I figured that's all we would need. > Of course, we still had to get it. That was easier said than > done. TBS : We'd need equipment to make the break into Area 51, and that would require another lengthy online search... S.D.: Where's he getting all this info from, anyway? "secretinfo.gov?" RACE: Nah, prolly Google. ARL: Or Usenet. > We could try a straight sneak, but the chance of that succeeding was > roughly the same as those of a good Highlander sequel coming out. TBS: Little did Zoner know of the "Rogue Version" of Highlander 2... > I wasn't ready to die or visit scenic Leavenworth just > yet, so I tossed that idea. Trying to spoof our way in might work, > but it wasn't really solid. S.D. : Our humor could possibly get buried by awkward attempts at drama. > I wasn't sure just how far we could get on faked credentials. ARL: You could become a coach at West Virginia if you tried hard enough. > What we really needed were credentials that at least worked as if they > were real. They didn't have to exactly -be- real. RACE: So... fake credentials. > So that was what I would try for. > I figured the best thing to do was get a number of agencies > set up so that they were requesting the inventory from each other, a > Gordian knot of red tape. GAVOK : Your fault! MMK : His fault! GAVOK : Your fault! MMK : His fault! > Hopefully anyone who pokes their nose into > it would tire off following the links, and anyone who didn't would end > up back where they started, and would probably assume they had screwed > up and try again. ARL: Wow, this is genius on the level of _Hackers_. > And, with any luck, Greer's help would keep them > from finding out the truth. MMK: ... but isn't it his stuff that you want to take, anyway? ARL: Zoner, you make that sound as if the U.S. government can figure out what it's doing *normally.* > If we could just make it out of there with the goods, we > should be safe. Getting in and out was going to be nervy. S.D.: You mean, involving young kids saving the world with big robots? ARL: Let's hope not. >But doable. TBS: I guess this is a summary for people who fell asleep during portions of the last paragraph. > I had to get started on the paper trail. GAVOK : Caught up 'tween the conflict of his brain and his tail... > I'm not sure how long I worked at it; when I get into the > groove on a project like that, time ceases to have any meaning. For > that matter, so do most other things. MMK: In other words, there's no change to the ending of the new _Planet of the Apes_. > All that matters is the endless duel GAVOK: MEEP MEEP! [MMK holds up a sign saying "Genius."] >- computers, their legitimate operators, and me. Inserting > records into government computers is a lot easier than pulling data > out, though; they don't put as many safeguards on them. S.D.: Oh, I see-- HUH? > Who would want to put information -into- a computer they've breached > illegitimately? RACE: Um... a hacker? ARL: People who want to break into secure government facilities without leaving a trail of bodies or shell casings, big-time con artists, enemies of the state... wait, that's what they *become*... > It was just dumb luck that I noticed Ben was wrapping up his > phone conversation; glancing at my watch, I realized it had been > nearly two hours since we both began. ARL: At least, that's how long it feels like. > He hung up the phone and looked up to see me watching. MMK : Hey, at least wait until I'm gone to have phone sex. > This went on for a couple of seconds, until finally I said, "Well?" MMK : ... look, we can't see each other anymore. I'm sorry. > "Well what?" > "Well aren't you going to call the others?" > "Nah," Ben replied. "Dr. Q's going to take care of that for me. GAVOK : .........................(This won't hurt a bit) > In fact, he's going to take care of almost everything - all we have to > do is get the stuff and take it up to Maine." > "Maine? Why Maine?" ARL [Gryphon]: So I can go crab-trapping while saving the world. GAVOK : Well, when the last time you ever noticed something happening in Maine? S.D.: Because Maine is the geographical center of the Eyrieverse. Duh. ARL: "Eyrieverse?" [S.D. shrugs.] > "Because," he said, "the Quest Foundation has agreed to provide space and > funding for the Tactical Applications Center for the > Advanced Cybernetic Sciences." > "TACACS?!" S.D.: Those great little mints that come in the plastic case? > "We could always call it Bureau Eight of Zone Services." > "No, TACACS will do." > "What about your end?" RACE : That's kinda personal, man. > "It'll take me a few days to call in all the markers I'm going > to have to call, but I've got the basic battle plan laid out." MMK : You take the big guy with the beard... TBS : Okay. MMK : And I'll take on the goldfish he's holding in that bowl. TBS : Okay. Hey! > "Well, that works out, then. Dr. Quest will need a few days > to settle everything on his end too - and I have a fight tomorrow, > don't forget." S.D: I was wondering how long it'd be before we got to Ben's opponent of the day. RACE: I guess now's as good a time as any to throw a few random elements into the plot mixer. > "Oh yeah... I -had- forgotten. Darn... and here I was hoping > to finish all this up this weekend." ARL: Yeah, it's so hard to engage in anti-government espionage on Sundays. Everything's closed, there's all kinds of traffic out... > "A good violation of Federal law should never be rushed," said > Gryphon philosophically. Before I could come up with a good comeback > for that, the doorbell rang. MMK: Thank God. > "I'll get it," Gryph continued, tramping > around the corner by the kitchen to answer it. MMK: But this reincarnation would not go according to plan. > I heard the sounds of a cheerful reception, which meant it probably > wasn't a solicitor, and a moment later, he returned to the living room, > laughing, with a friend of ours. GAVOK: Here's hoping for Don Knotts as the wacky landlord. > At a glance, Ken Masters GAVOK: Aww... > looks like a surfer dude, except that > he lives in the wrong part of the country; MMK: IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! > he's around five-ten and buffed, TBS: --with a floor waxer. > with long reddish-gold hair S.D.: --dyed, of course-- [TBS gasps.] TBS: No! S.D.: Yes! TBS : There are no more heroes... [He begins sobbing, then stops abruptly.] TBS: Oh well. > and a face that usually had a rakish grin. MMK: By "rakish" he means "shit-eating." > There's only good surfing off the Massachusetts coast > when a stray hurricane whacks into the South Cape (although Ken has > balls enough to go surfing when that happens), ARL: Zangief jogs naked in Siberian winters, Ken goes surfing in hurricane-force waves...obviously, Hutchins thinks being a Street Fighter requires the survival instincts of a lemming. The Psygnosis kind. RACE: Dude, chill. Your ears are starting to bleed. > but people who call > his good looks Californian are right anyway - he's originally from > someplace in the San Francisco Bay Area, and his parents are > absolutely loaded. They make me look like a welfare case. S.D. : They own *two* top-secret organizations! Can you believe that?! RACE : Can anyone spare some change for a demigod with thirty million in hi-tech gadgetry? > The fact that Ken is used to having money is obvious by the > way he dresses -- here he was having an informal visit with some pals, > and sporting a $1200 Armani "casual" suit. Some guys just gotta > flaunt it, I guess. Armani -is- comfortable stuff, though. RACE : Don't think for a minute Ken has more stuff than I do! > I wondered if he'd driven over in the Porsche or the Vector. Now that's > a sweet set of wheels. ARL: ... which, the Porsche or the Vector? > I met Ken through Gryph - he's one of Gryph's oldest friends > from the fight circuit, RACE: Between the two of you, is there anyone you don't know? TBS : We've got it narrowed down to the Rumor, the Phantom Stranger, Keyzer Soze, and Lenny. RACE: Lenny? TBS: You know. Lenny. > and eight of Ben's sixty-seven fights on > that circuit were with him, S.D.: ...huh. > more than with any other fighter Ben's opposed. MMK: Hmm. Kuwabara Masters, looks like. > I would probably have known of him anyway, since he's one of > the only fighters in that circuit to do any 'legitimate' fighting, > which has made him more famous than most. ARL: As opposed to illegitimate fighting, where everyone pulls punches and the outcomes are predetermined. RACE: Don't they call that "wrestling?" > He's even been in a couple > of really bad movies, TBS : My teacher said that every time a bad ninja movie is made, an angel of Jabootu gets its wings! RACE : Your teacher's full of snot, kid. > one of which is called - I kid you not - > "Revenge of the Vengeful Ninja Warrior II: The Vengeance". GAVOK: You... you're not Cynthia! You... you're one of the Vengeful Ninja Warriors on the Vengeance! II! > (Actually, > Ben's in that one too, for about six seconds; he's the random cop who > takes out two of the evil ninjas with his nightstick and then catches > a shuriken in the forehead.) TBS: Geez, why can't we be reading a story about that? > "Hey, Zoner," said Ken, clapping me on the shoulder as he > passed my chair. "How goes?" > "Not too bad," I replied. "You?" > "Oh, same old," Ken replied, plopping down on the couch. ARL: There goes the quality of the Armani. > Fury looked up from his station next to the sofa, checking out the new > arrival; since it was someone he knew, he didn't get too excited. > (Actually, I've never seen Fury get too excited about anything.) GAVOK : So I'm not sure what the point of telling you all this was. MMK: Fury's a world-weary traveller. If you've seen even *half* of what he's seen, you'd be pretty bored with your measly government facility breaking-into antics too. > "Hey, Fury!" said Ken, scratching the hound's ears. "How's a pup? MMK: Delicious! > Huh?" He looked up at Gryph, who was taking a seat on the > opposite couch, and grinned. "Katie and John keep pestering me to get > them a dog. ARL: Oh, how interesting. So who in the blazing crimson *hell* are Katie and John? RACE: His wife and kid? ARL: Their names are Eliza and Mel, unless some fell being from beyond the cosmos just vomited up a new continuity for his personal use... S.D: Welcome to the Eyrieverse. ARL: "Eyrieverse?" > Maybe I should hit Brother Tommy up for a puppy." S.D.: That makes it sound like he's gonna send a troupe of mafiosos over to beat it out of him. > "A bloodhound? In the heart of downtown Boston? Probably not > the best of ideas." > "Well, we're down there on the harbor, and I go for my run > every day. He'd get enough exercise. RACE : Fuck my neighbors! [He ^_^s.] > Wouldn't you, boy?" > "Hey! Get your own," said Gryph, tossing a paperclip playfully at Ken. GAVOK : AUGH!! MY EYE!! It's hanging by a nerve! IT'S HANGING BY A NERVE!! > Ken grinned and leaned back. "Yeah, well... maybe I will. > Hey, you guys eat yet?" > "Nope," Ben replied. "I was planning to make pizza later. > Why, has Eliza stopped feeding you?" ARL : She saw me fighting Elena. I haven't been home in weeks... > Ken chuckled. "C'mon, man, have you ever known a time when I > wasn't hungry? S.D. : Full...fuullllll...No comprendo, senor. RACE : There was that one time... GAVOK : Hey, does anyone know where my pants went? TBS : I've suddenly lost my appetite. > No, Liza and the kids went out to the Cape for the > weekend. She sends her love, but she said the kids are still too > young to be going to fights with their father." MMK: Kim, Genan and Terry have more balls then you will ever know. > "Should've known you didn't just come to see us," I remarked. RACE: Would you visit G and MZ if you could avoid it? > "Well, you know how it is, guys," said Ken with a smug smile. > "I can't get her to let me out of her sight all that often." > "Crack that whip," I replied, ARL : Actually, I'm fighting Ralf tomorrow. But you were close. > wiping away the smugness, S.D.: Now *there's* a lesson in futility if I ever saw one. > if not the smile. > "Yeah, well, maybe it's what I needed," he said. "You get to > a point where you've got to have something to come home to, or > it just doesn't seem worth it any more. At least, I did." MMK : I had my collection of singing potatoes! > Coincidentally, I'd been having similar thoughts, and from the > look of his face, Ben had, too. Curiouser and curiouser. > The doorbell rang again. MMK: And in enters Ryan Stiles, pretending to be a lion tamer. > "It's for you," Gryph and I said in unison. ARL: Wait, how do they-- argh, nevermind. > Ken blinked, then got up, grumbling good-naturedly as he went to answer > the door. I heard the sound of the lock being worked, then Ken greeting > a familiar voice. > "Well, hey, looks who's here!" announced Ken as he returned to > the living room. "It's a surprise visit from everybody's favorite > jarhead!" GAVOK: Chang Koehan! S.D.: Flynn Taggart! ARL: Anthony Swofford! > A beefy arm seized Ken from behind, hauling him down and back, > and the grinning face that appeared over his shoulder said, "You young > layabouts are all the same, making fun of the Corps. RACE : Well what do you expect for two-buck GI Joe knockoffs? Respect? > I think a little military service would have done you a world of good!" > "I'd throw you over, Charlie, GAVOK, S.D.: Aw. MMK: There there. S.D.: I don't need your pity. GAVOK: Can I have it, then? S.D.: ...yeah, whatever. GAVOK: Woo! ARL: And canon goes down the hole again. Charlie's an Air Force officer, just like Guile. > but I imagine it'd piss Zoner > off if you went flying through his picture window," MMK: That was a big turning point in Ken's career, when he turned heel and broke up the Rockers. > replied Ken from within the headlock. > "It would be amusing, seeing as it's bulletproof acrylic. > Take a closer look." Ken smirked a bit; Charlie just kind of blinked. TBS: I guess Charlie hasn't adjusted to being in the presence of an Eyrie field yet. > "Might be worth it just for the image," said Gryph with a > grin. "Now quit manhandling the other guests and sit down. GAVOK : Manhandling Ken can wait until *after* dinner. > Boy... at this rate I'm going to have to go out for more supplies before > I attempt making supper... " > "I'm in time for chow call? An unexpected bonus!" said our > newest arrival, Gunnery Sergeant Charlie Nash, USMC. RACE: Um, no. Charlie's in the Air Force... ARL: ...will not make an E-7 joke. I will not make E-7 joke.... > Gryph and I hauled his butt out of a Shadolu prison camp in Thailand > a couple years back, [A distant sound of breaking glass.] ARL: [jumps] What was that? MMK: Just Gryphon throwing a brick through the window that is Street Fighter continuity. > and we've been friends ever since. I don't know how he > gets away with that hairdo in the Corps, S.D.: The same way Guile does, I guess. > but I guess he's got enough seniority to get away with it, or just > enough brownie points banked up for all the special operations he's > been in on. RACE: Black ops are like selling Grit? ARL: Five more points and he gets the bike! > "You're looking well, Marine," said Ken as he and Charlie took > seats on opposite couches. > "Yeah, I feel good, too," replied Charlie. "In fact, I feel > better than ever. Guile's been on my ass [ALL cough uncomfortably.] > to train up for the fight circuit so I can join him. He's got this > grand idea that the two of us together can do this Lone-Ranger-and-Tonto > thing and bring down Shadolu all by ourselves." GAVOK: [takes out a pad] Guile and Charlie as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. RACE: What are you doing? GAVOK: Scheming. > He grinned. "Personally, I'm hoping it's > just a phase he's going through." The grin faded as memories > intruded, and he went on more seriously, "I'd feel a lot better > dealing with Shadolu with about a company of my fellow Marines > watching my back. That leader of theirs is a serious freak job. I > don't think he's human." S.D.: He's not. He's Raul Julia! > Ken grinned. "Hardly the attitude I'd expect from a big, > tough Marine like you." > "Hey, man, don't get me wrong: I eat nails for breakfast, TBS : N-n-n-nails! MMK : And crap nickels. > but I'm not stupid. You're going up against a guy who can fly and read > minds, GAVOK : ...and can kill a yak from two hundred yards away... WITH THE PSYCHO CRUSHER!! > you better bring some seriously heavy weaponry to the table." > Gryphon nodded, the mention of Bison turning him grave and > contemplative, if only for a moment. GAVOK : Now I'm getting all sentimental for some reason. > Then he reached to the end table > and grabbed a notebook, clicking a pen into readiness. > "OK, so, since I have to do a little unexpected shopping, are > there any special topping requests? Nails for Charlie, any others?" > Charlie laughed. "Hold the nails, I'm off duty." > "No fish," said Ken. "Other than that, it doesn't really > matter to me." > "OK, that's one no nails, one no fish... " said Ben, > exaggeratedly jotting on the notebook. > The doorbell rang. Gryph looked up, blinking. "ANOTHER > unexpected visitor?" GAVOK: It's either Rufus T. Firefly or Captain Geoffrey Spaulding. I'm not sure. > "Busy night," Charlie observed. "Do your neighbors know you fight?" > "Most of the City of Worcester knows he fights," MMK: Most of them cheer for the other guy. > I said with a grin. "He's quite the local celebrity." > "Yeah, me and Jerry Harrison," he replied wryly, naming the > weatherman at Worcester's only TV station, WORC Channel 66. RACE: Y'know, if you have to explain all your wry local humor in excruciating detail, it's probably not worth including the joke in the first place. > "Charlie, it's for you." GAVOK : General Thundertrunks! What are you doing here? > "Sir yes SIR!" Charlie replied, jumping up from the couch and > doing his best Marine Hustle to the foyer. LOONS : We're not here to start a tussle, we're just here to do the Marine Hustle! > "Hel-LO!" came his deep voice after the sound of the door being opened. ARL: Sargeant Slaughter in a role that will surprise you. > "Ben said it was for me, but I don't think I'm destined to be that > lucky today." > "Well," said Rose airily as she breezed past him into the > living room, MMK: Wow, she's a Jupiter Djinn. > "if I ever find myself in the market again, I'll be sure > to keep you in mind." > "Rose!" chorused Gryphon and Ken, punctuated by a deep "Woof!" S.D.: What's W4 doing there? > from Fury that may well have meant the same thing in Dog. MMK: Fools! Fury's ways are well beyond the comprehension of mortal men! > "Boys," Rose replied, taking a seat on the red couch next to Ben. ARL : Be my boys. S.D. : I wanna feel your body.... >"You're having a busy evening," she remarked to him. > "Yeah, it's a non-stop festival of surprises tonight." He > held up his notebook. "What do you want on -your- pizza?" TBS : "Rest in Peace." GAVOK: ... that joke doesn't really work backwards. > "Oh, I'm in time for dinner, how fortunate," said Rose with a > smile that said luck had little to do with it. S.D.: Is pizza really this hard to get in Worcester? TBS: I wonder if Bison ever uses his psychic powers to see if his underlings are cooking dinner. MMK: Probably. Bison strikes me as a huge moocher. GAVOK: He just *reeks* of moochosity! MMK: He's full of moochismo! GAVOK: Yeah, he is! > "Well, y'know, now that we've got more than four people, it's > officially a prefight party," he replied. RACE: Or an orgy. Whichever. S.D.: Only in Texas, and that's if they took off their shoes and all did the same thing. ARL: ...why do you know things like that? S.D.: I plead the Fifth. > The doorbell rang. > "Egad!" said Gryphon. ARL: It's Mr. Mustard in the Library with the candlestick! > "It's for me," Rose observed, and she went to get the door as > Ken and Charlie launched into a reminiscence of the first time Ken met > Guile (barroom brawl, San Francisco, 1987, if you're curious). RACE: Ah, so if we're going with Street Fighter 2 V as canon, does that mean Ken is a blatant homosexual? > Gryph and I had heard it before, but we still got quite a laugh out of it. > G > Well, a quiet evening at home had suddenly turned into a > mini-party, but I couldn't say I minded. GAVOK : 'Cause it's not a *bad* thing... MMK, GAVOK : It's a GOOD THING!! [MMK and GAVOK ^_________^ for maybe fifteen seconds.] RACE: Enough already! You're freaking me out... > I'd been in an > uncharacteristically good mood all weekend to begin with, and it > had been too long since I last saw Ken and -way- too long since I last > saw Charlie. I took Rose's presence as confirmation that I'd gotten > through to her with our little discussion last month - she certainly > seemed to be back to her old self, and I was realizing even more how > much I'd missed that. > In fact, as I considered it, I decided there was only one > thing that was needed to make this a perfect evening. RACE: Pillow fight! ARL: Pocky. MMK: Kim. GAVOK: Fifty pounds of processed meat. S.D.: Some friggin' humility. TBS: A fine bottle of Pinot Noir '73, with its elegant and well-balanced taste, well-integrated oak and long-lasting linger. > Suddenly, next to the couch, Fury sat up and cocked his nose to the > air, then let out a single bay, jumped up, and bounded into the foyer. > "What's gotten into him?" I wondered. MMK : WHURF! GAVOK : What's that, boy? Sean's in trouble? Down by the paper mill? > "Beats me," Zoner replied. "Maybe it's - " > I'd never get to find out his guess, because just then Fury > came gambolling back into the room. S.D. : Here's your vorpal sword. Sorry I didn't clean it. > "Well!" I observed. "Looks like this -is- going to be a > perfect evening." ARL: Fury came back into the room with Rose's dress in his mouth. > "Is it now," said a familiar voice, and Cammy entered, making > her way across the living room while romping with the dog. RACE : Doujins are not canon, doujins are not canon... > "An' why would that be, hm?" she asked with an impish grin, before dropping > to one knee to play for a moment with Fury, who was entirely too excited > about her arrival. TBS: Bring the girl! Fury finds her... pleasing. > I glanced over to the other couch and stifled a laugh as I saw Ken > and Charlie giving me identical "Who is -this-?" looks. ARL : And me without fifty bucks in singles! Yow! > Zoner looked bemused at their bemusement. GAVOK: Zoner's bemusement at their bemusement bemuses me. TBS: Your bemusement at his bemusment at their bemusement bemuses me. MMK: The bemusement you are showing at Gavok's bemusement at Zoner's bemusement at their bemusement is very bemusing to me. S.D.: Stop saying that word! TBS: ...I think she's angry. MMK: How bemusing. [S.D. glares daggers at MMK. MMK ^_^s.] > "Go on, lie down, that's a boy," said Cammy, and, as > commanded, Fury lay down, returning to normal as if a switch had been > flipped. Rising, Cammy turned, shoved me unceremoniously to the > middle of the couch and plopped down on my left just as Rose, > returning from the kitchen, sat down on my right. > Well, if this wasn't the life... TBS : It's good to be the author. > "Didn't know you'd have company," Cammy said. "Care to > introduce me?" > "Pleased to meet you, miss," said Ken, leaning forward and > running a hand over his hair. "I'm - " > "Married," I interjected, causing Zoner to choke on his soda. GAVOK : Why you little! TBS : Ack! > "Sorry," I told him, then turned my attention back to Ken. "Cammy, > this is Ken Masters. The guy with the funny hair is Charlie Nash, RACE : Guys, this is Cammy. She doesn't believe in pants. > and this," I said, indicating the woman to my right, "is Rose, my > Valdritkar - my teacher." TBS: Wait, I thought a Valdritkar was of those gods who runs the Quake 3 tournament? S.D.: Those are Vadrigar. TBS: Oh. Then how about the warrior-maidens of Odin, tasked with leading the souls of fallen warriors to Valhalla? ARL: No, you're thinking of Valkyries. TBS: ...a relaxant? RACE: Valium, Snot. TBS: Right, right. Maybe I was thinking of an overpowered spiky-haired guy who shoots energy blasts and- MMK: I think that's Vegeta, Snotters. TBS: Right, right. So maybe I had it confused with a brand of cheese... GAVOK: That's Helluva Good. TBS: Oh. Okay, then. Thanks Gavok. GAVOK: No problem. [TBS and GAVOK resume watching the 'fic while the others stare at them.] > "Once upon a time," replied Rose airily. "These days I'm > mostly just moral support. It's good to finally meet you, though, > after hearing so much second-hand." GAVOK: You don't *talk* to Nicotrel like that! > "Likewise," Cammy said. > "Well," I said, "much as I'd like to sit here and bask in all > this, I think I'd better go take stock of my supply situation, find > out how much stuff I'm going to have to buy. Anybody's got any > special orders, write 'em down on the yellow pad." > From the kitchen, as I assembled the materials and figured out > what else I'd need, I could see into the living room and hear the > sounds of conversation, but not make out what they were saying (at > least, not without concentrating on listening). Presently, there was > a burst of laughter; since I wasn't there, the obvious conclusion was > that somebody was telling an embarrassing story about me. RACE: Paranoid often, Gryph? S.D. : And then he wrote me as losing to him and becoming his girlfriend! ARL : Haha! Oh, that's rich! > That was OK, though; I had more than enough information available to > counterattack anybody who might be in a position to do that. RACE : Ken, remember when Ryu pantsed you? TBS : No, that never happened. RACE : It did now! Story Time! > I smiled > as I worked; it's good to have friends. > The doorbell went off AGAIN. MMK: Outside, Groucho Marx is trying to change his pants. > "Cammy, it's for you," Zoner announced. > "Strange policy," she observed as she walked past on the way > to the foyer. > "It's traditional," I replied, checking the sink status and > discovering that the apartment was in an uncommon All Dishes Clean > state. When I looked up from that, Cammy was standing by the bar > counter which divided the kitchen from the entryway with none other > than the man I was to fight the following afternoon, TBS : You guessed it... Frank Stallone. > Ryu Hoshi. > Ryu was a Shotokan Karate fighter, a student of the well-known > Shotokan master Gouken. He'd learned all of the style's various and > deadly techniques, GAVOK : He takes on all challengers with his hurricane DDT! > and had become renowned and feared for his mastery > of the hadoken - the fireball technique. ARL: Yes, because we all know how exclusive fireballs are in Street Fighter. After all, the *only* other people who have them are-- [begins counting them off on his fingers] --Akuma, Charlie, Chun-Li, Dan, Dee Jay, Dhalsim, Gill, Guile, Ken, Oro, Remy, Rose, Sagat, Sakura and Urien... and those are just your average chi-based projectiles. RACE: What's so average about being able to shoot pure energy out of your hands through sheer force of will? ARL: Well, you know, relatively speaking... > Those in the know said that > only one man on the circuit was tough enough to take on Ryu, ARL: John Choi? MMK: Kim Kaphwan. S.D.: Tank Abbot. TBS : Ken Shamrock. RACE: Roll. GAVOK: Hol Horse. ALL: ... GAVOK: Shut up! > and that was his old training partner - Ken Masters. MMK: [snorts] Only because Kim isn't there. ARL: Twenty says Ryu ends up losing to our friend Gryphon. RACE: Come on, not even Hutchins would do something like that. TBS: ...or *would* he? [TBS starts laughing in a deep, disturbing voice.] > I was, understandably, hoping to prove those in the know wrong > on that count. S.D. : ...while quietly getting ahead on the insurance payments. > Still, it'd come as a great surprise to me to open my mail one > day and discover a neatly printed challenge from the World Warrior > division's #1-scoring fighter. GAVOK : Hm. It's addressed to that Adon guy next door, but I'll pretend it's for me. > For a high-ranked fighter to challenge > down the scale was rare and often considered somewhat predatory; it > was odd that Ryu, the quintessential wanderer, would deliberately seek > out -anyone-, for that matter. TBS: Well, not all those who wander are lost. > I mean, sure, we'd fought before, in > the days before either of us reached World Warrior ranking, and we'd > been friends for quite a while, but I hadn't actually seen him in a > couple of years. MMK: He's been in jail in Ecuador for mail fraud. > Behind him, I could see Ken jump to his feet - he'd clearly > recognized the back of his old training partner. I couldn't really > read his expression at that distance, but his body language looked > irked. > Great, I should have expected this. I knew what was up here: > three years ago, before I left college and became a serious fighter, > Ken and Ryu had a falling-out over some petty issue. GAVOK : And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston! MMK : Pitt the Elder! GAVOK : Lord Palmerston!! MMK : Pitt the Elder!! GAVOK : Okay, you asked for it, bud! SHORYUKEN! TBS : Yeah, that's showing him, Ryu! Feh. Pitt the Elder... GAVOK : Lord Palmerston!! SHORYUKEN! > I forgot the > details almost as soon as I heard them, but what it boiled down to was > that Ryu did something he thought was justified which Ken took as a > screwover, and they hadn't spoken since. ARL : You know I wanted to buy that DVD collection off eBay! > Well, they were just going to have to put that behind them. I > wasn't having them ruin my good mood. > "Hey, Ryu," I said, leaning over the counter and holding out a > hand. "Good to see you again." S.D. : PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! > "And you," he said, taking the hand in an armwrestler's clasp > for a moment. TBS : See this? This is what I break first. > "It's a longer walk from the airport than I expected," > he added, "or I would have been here sooner." He still had a bit of > an accent, though he'd been speaking English for years; as with most > of his skills that didn't pertain directly to fighting, he'd learned > it well enough to be serviceable, then stopped. RACE : That's why he can't count past three. ARL: Neither can Capcom. > "You got a flight into Worcester Airport?" > "No," replied Ryu, "Logan." > "You walked here from Logan?" S.D. : Nah. Wolverine gave me a piggyback ride all the way from Japan. > Cammy asked. Ryu shrugged. > He'd probably have walked from Japan if that didn't involve drowning. > "You'd have been here -yesterday-," she said. > "Ryu!" Ken called from the living room. Ryu blinked as if > trying to place the voice, then turned around. > Ryu is so serious and dedicated about his martial arts > training that his opponents and occasional fans, those who don't spend > enough time with him to actually see his human side, often fall into > the trap of thinking him emotionless. That's not really true - he's > really quite a fun-loving guy, RACE: He even has a tie-dyed gi. ARL: That's a mental image I really didn't need. > although sometimes he tries to deny it and get into that ascetic > martial-arts master mode. Right now, it was good to see circumstances > get a reaction out of him. S.D. : [gasps] Oh, my uke, I have found you again at last! RACE: Now cut that shit out! > He dropped his duffel bag on the floor and hopped down the two > steps into the living room, clearly surprised to see Ken. MMK : Hey! What are you doing still alive?! ...oh, right. It's only Tuesday. > Ken walked across the room until he was almost in Ryu's face, and > for a moment, they faced each other silently, Ken glaring, Ryu puzzled. GAVOK : You told me it was butter. ARL : I thought it was! > "Hey, Ryu," said Ken, his voice cold. "Double-crossed any of > your friends lately?" TBS : Well, I did borrow $20 from Oro, but... > "You're not going to start -that- again, are you, Ken?" Ryu > replied. "Even if you weren't overreacting, then and now, that was a > long time ago." > "Well, that's easy for you to say, Mr. World Circuit Martial > Arts Tournament Grand Champion," Ken snarled. "Considering you got to > that rank by stabbing me in the back a long time ago!" > "All right, gentlemen, we're not going to do this," I > announced, stepping between them. "We're not going to spend the > weekend with this lingering hostility hanging in the air. You guys > were friends for too damn long for something like this to split you > up, now come on. S.D. : Bask in my warm, forgiving light, and let all conflict cease! > Shake hands, let's have some pizza, forget about > it. It's not about point standings anyway, right?" > "So Ryu keeps saying," said Ken, "but I don't see him apologizing." > "What should I apologize for?" Ryu replied, his own temper > starting to slip. "I did what I had to do to win the fight! TBS : And there really was a spider on your shoulder! > You would have done the same if luck had been on your side." GAVOK: Dude, you had Tazz sneak up behind Ken and smack him over the head with a chair. ARL: Hey, if the ref didn't see it, it didn't happen! > "Oh yeah? Well, I'll tell you what, Ryu. I'll do it right > now! After your fight tomorrow, I'm gonna take on the winner. We'll > see how you do against me when it's YOU who hasn't had time to recover > from his last fight!" > "Hey, I don't want to be a wet blanket here, Ken, but suppose > I win?" I interjected. [A beat.] ALL : ... [ALL bust up laughing.] > "Sorry, Gryph, but I don't think you will," said Ken. "You're > good, but Ryu's always got an angle. TBS : Yup. Seventy-three degrees! > Don't you, Ryu?" MMK : It's true. It's true. > "I do believe you've been insulted, Gryph," said Zoner. > "You stay out of this!" I told him. "It's getting complicated > enough as it is. OK, look. Will you guys try to at least be civil? > If Ryu wins tomorrow, fine, Ken, he's all yours. Hopefully you can > settle this stupid little feud and remember you're his best friend. > All right?" > "Fine," said Ken. > "Ryu?" > "Fine with me," said Ryu. > "Fine!" I announced. "Now be good! And write down what you > want on your pizza." GAVOK: The idea of Akuma saying that to Ryu and Ken makes me giggle. > Doorbell. > "Christ!" I blurted. MMK : I brought chips! I hope you guys got the water, 'cause I'm up for makin' wine! > "Ryu, it's for you." > "What?" Ryu asked, looking at me in confusion. > "Ah, screw it, I'll get it," I said, and left them to their > fate while I went to the foyer and opened the door. > I didn't recognize the person on our doorstep this time. She > was a young Japanese girl, maybe fifteen, sixteen years old, dressed > in a sailor suit, which struck me as delightfully absurd before I > remembered that that's what they wear for school uniforms in Japan. [RACE perks up.] S.D. : Excuse me, but I'm looking for Azumanga Daioh? > (I've never understood why, but that's not my department.) MMK: Prussian Navy, believe it or don't. > Her black > hair was a little longer than a proper pageboy cut, and unruly, giving > her that wind-ruffled look, and she had on red Chuck Taylors. [RACE smiles.] > Slung over her shoulder was a duffel not unlike Ryu's. She was cute, but > I didn't know her from Adam and it was a little disconcerting to find > her on my doorstep. [RACE's smile slowly turns into a bigass grin.] ARL: ...uh-oh. > "Uh... can I help you?" I asked. > She bowed and said, in remarkably Midwestern English without a > trace of Ryu's slightly stilted consonants and exaggerated vowels, > "Hello, I'm Sakura Kasugano. I'm looking for Ryu Hoshi." RACE: YAY SAKKY-CHAN!! ARL: Jesus *fuck*, dude. S.D.: We got a fanboy love spill on Aisle Two! RACE: Finally, some *interesting* characters! This 'fic's looking up! > "Well, by a strange coincidence, he's here," I replied. [TBS stands up, walks in front of the screen, gets directly in front of Gryphon, and winks as ostentatiously as is humanly possible. Then he sits back down.] > "C'mon in. Was he expecting to meet you here?" > "Probably not," replied Sakura with an enigmatic smile. She > stepped around me, following the sounds of conversation, and rounded > the corner into the living room as I followed. > The presence of a stranger in a sailor suit effectively killed > what conversation there was, ARL : Hi! ...um, where's the Boogiepop Phantom set? > and for a long moment, nobody spoke. S.D. : Oh, crap, it's that psycho stalker schoolgirl again... > Then, Sakura smiled and said, "I've been looking for you for > quite a while, Ryu." GAVOK : Did they say why, Sakura, why they want to terminate my command? S.D. : I was sent on a classified mission, Ryu. GAVOK : It's no longer classified, is it? Did they tell you? S.D. : They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound. GAVOK : Are my methods unsound? S.D. : I don't see any method at all, Ryu. GAVOK : I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin? S.D. : I'm a street fighter. GAVOK : You're neither. You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. > Ryu blinked and pointed at his chest. "For me? What do you > want with me, little girl?" ARL : To hug you and squeeze you and call you George! > "Is that any way to talk?" she demanded. "I'm your number one > fan! Sakura Kasugano. You haven't forgotten me, I hope. From Tokyo? RACE : It's called Tokyo-jo... but most people just call it Tokyo. > I was at your fight with Edmond Honda last month. You told me about > how you have to center your ki to unleash the Glorious Wave-Motion > Fist." TBS: I got a Glorious Wave-Motion Fist at a yard sale once. Blue with green liquid and little sparkles... boy, that thing's nifty. > Recognition sparked in Ryu's eyes. "Ah! Right, I remember you. ARL : You're the creep who boiled my pet rabbit in the stove. > Wow - you came all the way here to see me fight again?" > "No!" Sakura replied. "I came all the way here to fight you > myself!" S.D. : Leave *me* at the altar, will you, you sonuva... > The only sound in the room the second after was Ken slapping > his forehead. ALL: Wah wah wah waaaahhhh... > Zoner looked at me; all I could do was shrug. > "You guys sort this out," I said resignedly. "I'm going to > the store." > "Hang on," MMK: St. Christopher with the smoke and the oil. Buckle down the rumble seat, let the radiator boil. > said Cammy, rising from the couch. "I'll go with." ALL: You! > "Crazy night," she remarked as we turned the corner onto > Russell Street and headed toward the Big D supermarket on Park Avenue, > wedged into the triangle where Park and Russell converged and Highland > Street crossed both. > "Yep," I replied. "Pretty odd. Good thing we've got a big house." > "Big enough, you think? That's a lot of people." ARL : This is the true story. MMK : Of eight fighters. S.D. : Picked to live in a house. RACE : And have their lives taped. GAVOK : And see what happens. TBS : When people stop being polite. MMK : And start getting real. > I paused, considering it. "Well, let me think. Ryu and > Charlie can sleep anywhere that's flat. Ken can handle a sofa, but he > may not stay around tonight, considering he's still mad at Ryu... we > have two guest rooms... hmm." I shrugged. "I guess I'll have to give > someone my room and sleep on one of the other couches." > Cammy tch'd and said, "Couldn't make you do that the night > before a match. I'll take that couch for you... " Keeping in stride > with me, she looped her arm through mine and leaned her head against > my shoulder. "... unless you'd rather I was elsewhere." RACE: This is a mind-control lemon, dammit! You can't tell me otherwise! > "Er," I replied, my brain having seized up and prevented me > from making any more articulate response. S.D.: Critical Fault Error in HUTCHINS.EXE. > "Unless, of course," she continued, her tone of voice becoming > less confident, "that's a... problem." > "Huh, oh, no, um... " My mind raced as I tried to figure out > just what to say. I could be reaching entirely the wrong conclusion, > and the last thing I wanted to do was presume she meant more than she > really did. I considered it for an eternal second, then decided to > take a safely noncommital path. RACE : I'M NOT GAY! Er, wait... > "Uh, that'd be great." > And I meant it, too, even if I wasn't sure what "that" was. > She squeezed my arm, and we continued on toward the store. > > MZ > "Oh, I see," said Sakura. "I didn't know that Ryu was here to > fight anyone. I thought he was just visiting friends." > "The fight is the most important thing in my life, at the > moment," said Ryu. "I'll have time for visiting friends when I'm old > and slow," RACE: You're already slow, you ungrateful dumbass! > he added with the hint of a grin, to let us know he wasn't > totally serious about that. Ken glanced at me, rolling his eyes, and > I returned a look that told him I wasn't getting into this one. ARL : Getting fireball trapped once is enough. MMK: If all three of them got into a fight, would it be a flame war? > "And I've already got dibs on the winner," added Ken, "so it > looks like you came all this way for nothing, kid." > "Not nothing," Sakura replied firmly. "I'll be able to watch > Ryu in action, anyway. I never get tired of that." S.D.: Oh, so she's a voyeur. > Ryu looked puzzled. "I don't understand you," he said to > her. "Why would a schoolgirl from Tokyo have such interest in street > fighting, let alone in me, particularly? TBS: It was either that or the talking animal sidekick. She slept in on Gimmick Day. > It doesn't make sense, it's > not... " He fumbled for the right word, not knowing quite how to say > what he wanted in English, yet unwilling to switch to Japanese and > lose those in the room who might not speak that language. "... not > normal," he finally settled on. > Sakura made her best attempt at sticking her chin out > defiantly and replied, "How do you define 'normal'?" GAVOK : Anyone but you, you *freak*! > Rose smiled and said dryly, "Normal is what everybody else is, > and you are not. RACE: Rose! She says what you're thinking! S.D.: She's just calm because she can start Soul Reflecting if things get nasty. > If you don't worry about what is and isn't normal, > you'll have a much happier life. Ryu, if the girl wants to be a > martial artist, what's wrong with that? I know you're Japanese, ARL : ...well, either that or you're a Sonny Chiba cosplayer. > but I had thought you less of a chauvinist than that." > Ryu reddened a little. "It's not that!" he protested. "I > just don't understand why you would choose to follow me. I'm no role > model. I'm not glamorous or flashy or, or, or charismatic." S.D.: At least he's honest. > "Maybe not," Sakura replied, "but you're the best, and that's > what matters to me." RACE: You tell 'im, Sakky-chan! MMK: You know what May Lee has that Sakura doesn't? RACE: A disco belt? MMK: Taste. > Ken tried not to snort and ended up coughing. Ryu shot him a > dark look from under his bushy eyebrows to let him know he hadn't > gotten away with it clean, then returned to his earlier tack. > "What we do is dangerous," he said. "What about your family? > I can't imagine they approve of this... if they did, they'd have sent > you on your way with something to wear besides your school uniform." > "What has that got to do with anything?" Sakura replied hotly, > her eyes flashing. "I'm old enough to take care of myself, I don't > need their approval." > "Mm," Ryu replied. "And just how old would that be?" > "Fifteen, in a few days," she said. ARL: So a fifteen year old is wandering around the world by herself? How completely-- [looks at S.D.] ...never mind. > "Why? Think I'm too old > for formal training? That's why I want to fight you, so I can show > you how much I've learned on my own. You won't regret having me as > your student, Ryu-sensei, I promise you that." > "I'm sure you'd make a fine student," Ryu replied patiently. > "It's just that I'm still learning myself. I don't have any interest > in having -anyone- as my student just now. Listen, the best thing you > can do for yourself is go home. There are plenty of teachers in Tokyo > who can train you better than I can, if you're that certain of your > path, and I wish you the best, but -I cannot teach you-." GAVOK : The Shotokan Code forbids me having two Padawans at a time. > She favored him with a look that said she didn't buy it, but > then she surprised us by letting the matter drop for the time being. > "OK," she said, "if that's the way you feel, I can wait. Someday, > you'll feel differently." > Ryu didn't look as if he thought that very likely, but he said > nothing. An awkward silence ensued. > Eventually, the conversation picked up again, slowly at first, > but by the time Gryph and Cammy got back from the store, everybody was > pretty comfortable. Sakura sat (well, knelt, you know how the > Japanese do it) MMK: Yes, I'm sure some of us have seen *those* web pages... right, Race? RACE: Yeah, some of-- hey... > on the floor, scratching Fury's ears and talking to Rose about Ler Drit; GAVOK: Now watch; next chapter, she becomes Sakurose. > Charlie and Ken talked about the changes on the > circuit in the last couple of years, while Ryu and I observed the > scene with various levels of bemusement. TBS: Their bemusement bemu-- [notices S.D.'s withering gaze] Ah, never mind. > Nothing rescues an awkward gathering better than good food, > though, and by the time dinner was served, even Ken and Ryu were > talking and joking again. It was almost as if it was enough that > they'd -planned- their reckoning, they didn't need to wait until > they'd had it to start talking again. Which was good, I figured, > since I was hoping Ken's intention to fight Ryu would be frustrated. > Eventually, we all figured out where we were going to crash. RACE : Do you know what you just did? GAVOK : Yeah. I nuked America. > Ken and Rose headed for the Marriott downtown (separate rooms, I think > - he's happily married to a perfectly gorgeous woman, after all), > Charlie crashed out on the sofa, Gryph insisted that Ryu take one > guest room while we both insisted Sakura take the other, and as I > headed for bed, I saw Cammy heading in with Gryph. > I smiled. Bundling, how provincial. TBS : Those crazy heterosexuals! > After all, I knew he was > too smart to do anything, shall we say, tiring on the eve of a major > fight (and that she was too smart, and cared too much, to be party to > it). They were really being so cute about the whole thing, in an > old-fashioned two-step sort of way. S.D.: That still doesn't change the fact that they're sleeping with each other. > Ah, Bancroft Tower on a bright and sunny morning in the > summertime. The smell of the trees and the new-mown grass... TBS: ...the sounds of shopping carts meeting their final resting place at the tower's base... > the looming grey bulk of the monument... [ALL hum the theme to "2001: A Space Odyssey."] > the roar of the crowd. RACE: They opened an Apollo Theater on the planet Kashyyk. > The crowd? TBS : Damn! I *knew* I forgot something! > Well, maybe not a crowd, really, but a pretty good-sized > gathering, anyway. GAVOK : I love those. > The local folks know that Gryphon fights, and a > lot of them are his fans - whenever he fights here at the Tower, the > WPI Science Fiction Society turns out en masse, ARL: They're all gay? RACE: "Turns out," not "comes out." ARL: Not that there's, you know, anything-- RACE: Give it up, man. > even though some of > them aren't really into violence, to cheer him on, MMK, GAVOK, TBS : KICK HIS ASS, GRYPHON! S.D. : But do it gently! > and a lot of the > local businesses send their support. RACE : Buy my product! Or my pet SI will *kick your ass*! > After all, a World Warrior-level > street fighter's reputation has a tendency to keep the streets quiet, RACE: Unless it's Dan, in which case the streets are filled with howls of laughter. > and he and I -have- stopped a few local crimes just by happening to be > in various local stores when some unfortunate idiot decided to shake > the place down. ARL : Mr. Akuma, can you please stop taunting? The walls are starting to crack. > I was also pleased to see that the WPI Campus Police had sent > a representative, ARL: It's... WPI CAMPUS MAN TO THE RESCUE! > or perhaps she had taken it upon herself to come; > either way, the presence of Sergeant Janet Marshall, in uniform, ARL: Who in the name of Rokusaburo Michiba is Janet Marshall? TBS: She's the chick in UF with the Photon weapons and the pet Mag. GAVOK: No, that's Janice Barlow. TBS: Oh. Then she's the transplanted Canadian living in London who looks like Daria and writes fics about Daria meeting her look-alike. MMK: Nah, that's Janet Neilson. TBS: Then she's that chick from Fighters' Megamix. GAVOK: If you say so. ARL: What? MMK: Snot's commands dictate reality. TBS: Yeah, I said so, so it's true. > promised to keep the crowd under control. Not that Gryph has a > problem with unruly fans most of the time, but you can never be too > secure. Janet's a hell of a fighter in her own right. S.D.: Her left, however, is crap. > Once, I saw > her break up a brawl in the Wedge with her bare hands, five big guys > with knives and broken bottles and she didn't get a scratch. ARL: Of course, she used a rotary grenade launcher, but never mind that. > You might find the presence of local law enforcement, in > uniform but not doing anything, at the site of an illegal street fight > kind of odd, but it's that way in a lot of places. MMK : Of course... IN BIZARRO WORLD! > The cooler cops > know that the real fighters, the ones who register with outfits like > the WCMAT Authority, are trained and for the most part know what > they're doing, and that they accept the risks inherent in the game. TBS: Except those Magic players. They unnerve everyone. > Nobody ever gets hurt in one of Gryphon's matches who isn't willing to > get hurt, ARL: Read: Gryphon never gets hurt. > and, like I mentioned before, his rep keeps the local crime > rate down. They know he's a straight arrow, and so they look the > other way, and sometimes, like Janet, MMK: They let you call them Ms. Jackson if you're nasty. > they turn up to provide a little > crowd control and give the proceedings an air of legitimacy. MMK : This is a legitimate illegal fight. I repeat! This is a legitimate illegal fight. GAVOK : Please make your way to the alley for legitimate uncontrolled substances and firearms. > Besides, I think Janet's kind of sweet on Ben, though she'd > probably hurt me if I mentioned it. S.D: Just like *any* piece of handy Fighting Game Booty. ARL: Fighting game booty? S.D: Snot said so. [ARL quietly fumes.] > If I were him I don't think > it'd hurt my feelings if she were; Janet's not exactly what I'd call > hard on the eyes. MMK : Not like his last girlfriend, Granite. > Gryphon's "arena" isn't fancy; it's just the square of > more-or-less-flat asphalt in front of Bancroft Tower's walkway, from > the two mini-turrets (and the line of Jersey barricades between them) > to the wall that keeps people from driving off the hill, S.D.: New Jersey. Protecting its citizens from Darwinism since 1979. > bordered on > the sides by the turrets themselves. Gryphon stood by one turret, Ryu > the other; Gryphon was wearing a black-and-white NIN shirt, his old > jeans, his gloves and his Batman cap, TBS: Now, does that amplify the coolness effect of the NIN shirt, or cancel it out? ARL: Or does it rather amplify the poserness? MMK: Or can Gryphon make even Mentos uncool? GAVOK: Oooh, harsh call. > while Ryu had his usual white gi, headband and vambraces. > Janet separated herself from the spectators, then, and went to > the middle of the ring, and I realized that she was going to ref for > Ben, something she does occasionally for his home fights, though not > always. GAVOK : Yoo hoo! Referee Janet! I like your hair! TBS: Most of the time, David Bowie handles it. > Whenever she does, it's an extra incentive for his opponent > to stay in line, not that she had anything to worry about with Ryu. TBS : Because you're mine, he'll walk the line. > I felt a hand on my arm; turning, I was surprised (and > pleased) to see Meg grinning at me. MMK: I want number specifics, damn you. > "Meg!" I declared. "How'd you get here?" GAVOK : Practice! > She shrugged. "Hitched." > "That's dangerous," I pointed out, trying (and failing) to be > stern. RACE: Yeah. That has *got* to be the worst Fartman impression I've *ever* seen. > She rolled her eyes adorably. TBS: Then she scratched her butt adorably, took a bite out of her greasy Taquito adorably, then belched. S.D.: Adorably, I take it. TBS: Heck no. Who ever heard of belching adorably? S.D.: ... RACE : Itsy-bitsy cutey-wutey Meggy-chan is sooo kawaii! WAIIII!!! ARL: Race? RACE: Yes? ARL: DON'T DO THAT. RACE: Ever? ARL: EVER. > "I think I can take care of myself. Anyway, I wanted to see the fight, > but I figured you'd be a little busy to come and pick me up." MMK : The Zonester's never too busy... for love. GAVOK : Hey, Zoner! Robotech's on! MMK : Later baby! > "Well, you're just in time," I said, "I think it's about to start." > Just as I said it, Janet cleared her throat and announced the fight. S.D. : Let's get ready to! [long pause] ...line? ARL : Rumble! S.D. : Oh. Let's get ready to rumba! [ARL slaps his forehead.] > "Ladies and gentlemen!" she declared in the clear, loud voice > they teach at cop school for crowd control. "May I introduce today's > challenger! ARL : The one on the card as "Dead Man Walking!" > A Shotokan Karate fighter from Tokyo, Japan, with a hundred and eight > wins - ninety-nine by knockout - three losses and two draws: Ryu Hoshi!" [ALL cheer.] MMK: RYU HOSHI ROCKS! GAVOK : I gotta dance, I gotta dance! [gets up and dances] Dance, sucka! > As Ryu stepped out to the middle of the ring, on Janet's left, > most of the crowd, knowing Gryphon's fondness for politeness, > applauded. A couple of high-school kids toward the back booed and > yelled "YOU SUCK!", GAVOK : I don't suck; I'm just in a different quality bracket! TBS : You swallow! RACE: Shao Kahn's still in the tenth grade. > and I could see Gryphon making a mental note to > speak to them later. ARL: And fulfill his side of the bargain by paying them $5 each. > Alone among the spectators, Sakura cheered wildly. MMK: Sakura's got... [gasp] COOTIES! [RACE clobbers MMK.] RACE: Thou shalt not talk down upon Sakura, knave! MMK: [pops his neck] Ow. [pause] Didn't hurt. [pause] Ow. > "And Bancroft Tower's champion, an Icon of Stone Ler Drit > fighter with sixty-seven wins - fifty-four by knockout - two losses > and no draws: Ben 'Gryphon' Hutchins!" > Now the crowd cheered as Gryph took his place on Janet's > right, save those two jerks in the back, who still booed, and Sakura, > who was entirely silent. S.D. : ...I forgot my line! > "OK, you guys, here are the rules. No choke holds. No intentional > dislocations or broken bones. If the other guy quits, you > stop. Got it?" ARL: Nothing about foreign objects? TBS: Yeah. You go ahead and tell Yamazaki not to use the knife. It'll be funny. GAVOK: All *right*! Hardcore rules Street Fighter! > They nodded. > "Shake hands," Janet said; Gryphon and Ryu shook, then backed > up a couple of steps and bowed. > "Ready?" asked Janet. Gryphon nodded. She looked to Ryu; he > tightened his headband, then nodded as well. "Fight!" said Janet, and > she backed up behind the Jersey barricades. RACE : Begin! TBS : You didn't say "Simon Says." GAVOK: I'm pretty sure a pile of t-shirts aren't going to stop Ryu. > Ryu didn't waste any time; as soon as Janet was out of the > way, he leaped up and forward as if going for a drop kick, but landed > short, trying for a leg sweep. He caught Gryph flat-footed (pardon > the expression) with that one, tripping him up; Gryph had been fading > back and preparing a punch counter for the kick, and fell heavily to > his back on the pavement, but almost immediately rolled to his feet > and launched a spinning back fist. MMK: Gryphon *is* Popeye the Sailor Man! GAVOK : I'm strong to the finish 'cause I write the ficcish! I'm Gryphon the SI Man! TOOT TOOT! > Ryu stepped smoothly into the path > and blocked the fist with his left forearm, launching a jab with his > right; Gryph ducked under it and shot an off-hand ducking fierce into > Ryu's gut. TBS: SCENE! MMK : So, Ryu. It seems you have improved over the years, despite turning away from the dark side. GAVOK : I will never use evil to gain victories, Akuma! Now show me your power! I'm not here to avenge my master's death. I'm here to continue my journey. MMK : ............... GAVOK : You're looking at my gut, aren't you!? MMK : Shoushi! GAVOK : I'm working on it! It just takes me a while! > He should've flared it, I thought to myself as Ryu was shoved > back a little by the force of the blow. S.D.: It's because Gryphon *loves* him! > Then I realized why Gryph > hadn't done just that - he was already channeling his Ler, using it > for the push-off in the second part of his ducking-fierce-to-knee-thrust > combo. With his Ler pushing him, he exploded up from the crouch, S.D.: Who's the wise guy that planted the land mines? RACE: Okay, why did I just read that as "exploded up from the crotch?" MMK: "Ben Hutchins remote detonated my balls?" > left knee outstretched, and the knee plowed up under Ryu's chin, TBS : Through the masking tape, through the cardboard, and right into Waldo Jefferson's head. > knocking > him over backward. As Gryph landed, feet spread, Ryu got unsteadily > to his feet and wobbled for a moment. > Capitalizing on his window of opportunity, Gryph swung into > his double high kick; the first blow caught Ryu full in the face, but > seemed to wake him up. TBS: A cup of coffee would have done the same thing. > The Shotokan fighter ducked the second kick > and, while Gryph was still winding out of his spin, Ryu cocked his > hands at his side, eyebrows colliding. MMK : ...and this is what it's like when eyebrows *collide*!! Are you ready to go? Yes I'm ready to go, what'cha wanna do, bay-bay, bay-bay... > I winced, knowing what was next: > "HADOKEN!" The fireball crashed into Gryphon's midsection > from point-blank range, MMK: Ryu Hoshi, subbing for Soloman, in "Point Blank Shotokan." GAVOK: He knows how to get inside an opponent's blind spot to hit them with beam supers. TBS: There's an urban legend of four Shotoclones gathering after a man named [Aku-ma] appears to decide who is the scrubbiest of all... > drawing an audible grunt as the air was forced out of his lungs, > and as Gryph stumbled back, Ryu kept his crouch and wound into a > stance I knew, from watching previous fights, meant trouble. TBS : NO! Not the Macarena! > "SHORYUKEN!" Ryu cried, launching himself up in one of the > other signature moves of his style. TBS: Often imitated... and often duplicated, actually. ARL: Right now all the shoto-scrubs are salivating at the thought of being able to combo a Hadoken into a Shoryuken. RACE: Just salivating? ARL: Well, possibly other things, but I'd like to keep this conversation at a PG level, thank you. > It was a textbook blow, caught > Gryph right under the chin, picked up him and dumped him on the > ground, and I could have sworn I saw his eyes turn into little X's at > the moment of impact. Gryphon didn't bounce to his feet with quite > the same speed as he had last time, but get up he did, GAVOK: Weebles wobble but they don't fall down! > with that gleam > in his eyes that showed he was really enjoying the fight, RACE : Thank you for the glorious pain! S.D. : Thank you, sir! May I have another? ARL : What is this 'battered fighter syndrome' you speak of? > and his hands flared and crackling with energy. > Again Ryu wasted no time, launching himself into a Hurricane > Kick (with appropriate shout), MMK, GAVOK : I! LIKE! BIG! BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! > but this time, Gryph was ready for > him, his flared arms raised and crossed in a block. Ryu's kick shoved > him back a little, but as Ryu was busy landing, Gryph moved with all > the deceptive speed his opponents rarely give him credit for, darting > his left hand forward, seizing Ryu's head face-on, MMK : I will make you smell the glove... [A faraway "Ding!" echoes in the theater.] > and, forearm muscles bulging, lifted him clean off the ground. Ryu raised > his hands to Gryph's wrist, but he was already completing the throw, > slamming Ryu down on the ground as if he were spiking a football after > a touchdown. GAVOK: It's the Wyler Throw! Yeah! RACE: "Wyler Throw?" Who the hell is Wyler? [Long pause.] GAVOK: You want to know who Wyler is? RACE: Well, yeah. GAVOK : *You* want to know who *Wyler* is?! RACE: Um... yes... GAVOK: YOU WANT TO *KNOW* WHO WYLER *IS?!?* RACE: Well, if you're going to- GAVOK: WYLER IS YOUR *GOD*, FOOL!!! [The entire theater begins to shake. Suddenly, part of the left wall explodes outwards in a shower of bricks, and WYLER, an eight-foot tall overmuscled behemoth of a man in torn pants, lumbers through.] WYLER: Who say they not know Wyler?? [ALL BUT RACE leap out of their seats and scatter. WYLER lumbers over to a terrified RACE and glares at him.] WYLER: You not know Wyler? Then you PAY! [WYLER reaches out with and picks up RACE by the head. He rears back and prepares his Wyler Throw (tm) when a woman wearing a black jacket and wielding a whip runs through the hole in the wall.] WOMAN : Hey Proto, he's here! WYLER: Crap. [WYLER drops RACE and runs through the opposite wall, scattering bricks hither and yon. The WOMAN chases after him, followed by a man who looks exactly like Genjuro from "Samurai Shodown."] MAN: Yo Edgey, don't lose him! Damn it, Gunsmith ain't payin' me enough for this... [They both disappear through the hole in the wall. Silence reigns for a few moments, and ALL slowly return to their seats.] ARL: That was... even more random than usual. S.D.: No kidding. GAVOK: Now you know the true power of Wyler, Racewing. RACE: ...I hate this theater. > Ryu rolled a couple of feet away and got back to his feet, > settling into his ready stance, looking battered, GAVOK: Kentucky Fried Shotokan! > but not bowed. He nodded, ever so slightly, with respect, GAVOK: Ah, showing the respect. TBS: RESPECT! MMK: Show the full respect for the opponent. GAVOK: R! MMK: E! RACE: S! GAVOK: P! TBS: S! GAVOK, MMK: ..what the fuck is wrong with you?! TBS: I got confused. > and waited for Gryph to make > the next move. ARL : Knight over pawn. > Gryphon did not disappoint; reflaring his hands, he swept them > forward in a crackling arc and unleashed his Psycho Lightning. > Unfortunately, the sweep gave Ryu enough warning; ARL: Telegram for Ryu. It reads, "I'm going to attack you now! Stop. Gryphon. Stop." S.D: Oh, there's a P.S: "Please please please. Stop." > he jumped over it, > knocking Gryph back with a flying kick and landing in front of him in > good position for another Dragon Punch. ARL: As for the people standing behind Ryu... well... > Gryph grinned, just a little, and his eyes gleamed. MMK : Aku wa yurusan! > Then he swung into his most complicated combo, the one I'd > seen him pull off a grand total of three times so far in his career: > a fast and vicious three-puncher, left jab, right cross, left > uppercut, that drove Ryu back enough for Gryph to go into a seamless > double kick. MMK , GAVOK : Amateur. > By the first kick's impact, Ryu was already unconscious; > the second kick juggled him back into a semblance of a standing > position, and then he toppled over backward and sprawled on the > pavement. There was one move left in the combo, GAVOK: A taste of the awful... the insidious... Flying Butt Pliers! > but Gryphon saw there was no need for it and arrested his motion > before he could follow his falling opponent down on one knee and > bounce his head off the asphalt with another left jab. S.D.: ...and *breathe*, Zoner! > The crowd went nuts as Janet shouted "Champion wins!" [ALL watch the screen in stunned silence.] ARL: I'm sorry, but I did *not* just see Gryphon beat Ryu. RACE: Yes you did. ARL: You're not helping! GAVOK: I'm gonna say it. S.D.: You're not gonna say it. GAVOK: I'm gonna say it! S.D.: You're not gonna say it! GAVOK: Fine, I won't. But Snotters and Knight will. TBS, MMK: Who *booked* this crap? > G > Ryu was already sitting up and holding his head by the time > Janet and I reached him; I offered him a hand up, which he accepted, > and as I drew him to his feet, he clapped his other hand to my > shoulder and grinned. > "You're better than you were last time," he said. > "I beat you last time, too," I pointed out. ARL: I'm sorry, is this some other version of Ryu that we don't know about? Some version that didn't beat M. Bison, Akuma and goodness knows how many other people? RACE: Whoa! Hold the phone, I just thought of something! Y'know how Ryu's supposed to be the greatest fighter ever, right? ARL: Right... RACE: ...and Akuma's looking for great warriors to fight against, right? ARL: Right... RACE: ...and anyone who managed to defeat Ryu, not once but *twice*, has to be a great fighter, right? ARL: I suppose so, but what are you-- [A beat. ARL smirks.] ARL: Hutchins just stepped in it, didn't he? RACE: Oh yeah. > Ryu shrugged. "What is it the fans of the local baseball > team say? TBS: Something along the lines of, "GOD DAMN IT! MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!" > There's always next year." > As Janet got out a penlight and checked both our eyes to make > sure we weren't walking around with any lethal brain hemorrhages > going, RACE: Or at least any she'll tell them about. > we noticed we were no longer alone in the ring; a small figure > in a sailor outfit had broken away from the crowd and was edging > toward us, ARL: It's... [A dramatic pause.] ALL: DARK POPEYE! GAVOK : I'm strong to the finish 'cause I eat THE SOULS OF THE DAMNED! BLEARGH! > hesitant, with a mixture of concern and appalled shock on > her face. MMK: Correction: Gryph just booked himself dating a Sailor Scout. > As Ryu turned to face her, Sakura looked up at him and said > incredulously, "You... you -lost-." GAVOK : You *suck*! That's it! I'm obsessing over Terry Bogard from now on! TBS: Next week, on "Terry Bogard Fights Around the World"... > She looked somewhere between astounded and crushed, as if she'd > just seen a street gang mug Santa Claus. S.D. : Man, that brings back memories. > "It happens," Ryu replied, nodding. "Not often, but it happens." RACE : I saw the Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and my mind kept telling me I was fighting Remy. > "But - " > Ken prevented us from ever finding out exactly what her > protest would have entailed. TBS: Probably Allen Ginsberg. ARL: Ginsberg? MMK: Nothing wins an argument quicker than a well-applied Ginsberg quote. > He hadn't forgotten his promise to take on the winner, and now, even > if the winner hadn't turned out to be the one he thought it would be, > his fighter's ego wouldn't let him back down. ARL : Good thing I have Jack Carver on speed dial. > I won't bore you with the details of our fight. Did I win? ARL : Did I ever! RACE: Bitter? ARL: Yes. > Hah! The day I can defeat Ryu AND Ken in succession is the day I go > to M. Bison's island fortress and rifle his sock drawer. MMK: So he hasn't booked himself as *completely* indestructible. ARL: Or else he simply realizes that there's a difference between suspension of disbelief, and expecting your readership to *hang* their disbelief by the neck 'til dead. > When I came to, I thought that somebody, maybe Janet, maybe > Cammy, was mopping at my face with a wet cloth. S.D. : I found this in Blanka's laundry hamper. > Then, after a few > moments of gathering my brains back together, I realized it was > actually Fury, and, lacking thumbs, he wasn't using a cloth. RACE: He was using... a loofa sponge! > "Eyagh," I remarked, pushing him away and sitting slowly and > carefully up. MMK: Fury's saliva can heal head wounds! LOONS: YAY FURY! > Nothing rattled around too badly, so I tried standing. > I must confess I accidentally copped a bit of a feel when Janet rushed > to prop me up with her shoulder, but it wasn't intentional, RACE: Right. > I wasn't in a position to enjoy it much, RACE: Riiiiight. > and she didn't seem to notice. S.D. : Do that again and I Rodney King your ass. > Focusing my eyes on the quintet before me, I saw that Ryu, > Sakura, Cammy and Zoner looked worried, while Ken looked contrite. > "Well," I grumbled, testing my arm and leg joints to make sure > everything still bent in the right direction and -only- the right > direction, "I hope you're satisfied, Ken." TBS : I sure am! ALL: Us, too! GAVOK: BEAT HIM AGAIN! > "Woof," said Fury reproachfully. I scratched his ears. > Ken hung his head. "I guess I'm kind of a jerk, huh." GAVOK: You're a *saint*. > "I guess," I said as severely as I could, but when he peeked > out at me through his bushy reddish eyebrows, my severity cracked and > I snickered. "But aren't we all, at times? TBS : Well, besides me, of course. > Tell you what, I'll forgive you if you'll forgive Ryu." S.D. : Line up down the block for a little taste of my love! > Ken looked dubious for a moment, then smiled and turned to > Ryu. "OK... put 'er there, pal." > Ryu smiled and took his old friend's hand. > "All right. Now I'm gonna get some Tylenol in this head of > mine, and we're gonna go celebrate. Who's with me?" [ALL mumble excuses.] TBS: ...gotta water my cat... GAVOK: ...hat needs cleaning... RACE: ...little sister in the oven... > The staff at Ping's Garden have learned to roll with it when I > turn up on their doorstep with a small horde of hungry people. ALL: Braaaainsss... braaaainsss... > And a horde we were, rampaging and ravenous: me, Ryu, and Ken, > showered, S.D.: Hey now! This is some self-insertion that I can get into! > changed and starting to show some bruises; Janet, now off-duty and > out of uniform in t-shirt and jeans; ARL: Not a logo t-shirt because she's just eye candy. TBS: Vein throbbing. ARL: Quit it. > Charlie; Rose; Sakura; Cammy; Zoner, > happy as could be since he'd been smart enough not to bet on my > second fight, or maybe just because Meg Bennett had turned up; and > Meg, sprightly as always. > Again, I think I'll just leave the details to your imagination. ARL: I don't know, Ben... [ARL looks at S.D. and RACE.] ARL: Do you really think that's wise? RACE: That's a shallow stereotype and you know it. > We ordered a ton of stuff, passed it around, MMK : ...got higher than kites... TBS : Order that shit, smoke that shit... TBS , RACE : ...pass that shit! > swapped entrees, S.D.: Ryu and Ken swapped heads. ARL: Nobody noticed. > cadged each other's appetizers, and gorged ourselves silly. > We told embarrassing stories about each other, asked personal > questions, renewed old friendships and began a few new ones. When the > meal was done, Rose had to get back to Maine, Charlie to wherever he'd > come from (he didn't mention it and we didn't ask), MMK: He said it was too complicated to explain. [ARL twitches.] > Meg to Boston and Cammy to Scotland; RACE: Hey, our heroes have booty all over the world. LOONS: ALL OVER THE WORLD! ALL OVER THE WORLD! > the rest of us, after goodbyes and promises to keep > in touch and a fresh exchange of phone numbers and email addresses, > adjourned to Playoff Entertainment (the infamous "Ten-Minute Walk") SD: Infamous? From what exactly? MMK: The first UF. S.D.: Oh. [beat] Was Ten-Minute Walk before or after we learned anyone can buy Cyclones in Worchester? MMK: Before. I think. S.D.: So it was how long before we found out that Minmei's singing is a lethal weapon to extreme conservatives and gweeps alike? MMK: A while. S.D.: And this was after we found out that you can get any ol' anibabe you want, complete with Aura-of-Smooth edited personality, full memory of whichever version you want, access to all weapons even though she's naked, and more, just by downloading a single .jpg and hitting the wrong buttons on a program? MMK: Yeah. S.D.: But *before* we found out that part of a college building can turn into a fully-functional spaceship, complete with oxygen facilities, and that incidentally everyone in the Wedge at the time was genetically engineered. MMK: Exactly. [OTHERS stare at S.D. ARL continues to twitch.] S.D.: [shrugs] I got bored awhile back. [beat] So where did Ten-Minute Walk come into all this again? MMK: I think it was a date. S.D.: Oh, right. > for a raucous evening of video gaming. ARL : Hey, Gryphon, notice how you're not in this game, but we are? RACE : Shut up... > Here, we six, as a group, learned many interesting things > about each other. > - I would rather play S.T.U.N. Runner than anything else in > the joint. TBS: Yep, spliffs suck like that. > - Zoner is a big fan of Hard Drivin'. GAVOK: He also likes to play video games. > - Janet kicks -ass- at Lethal Enforcers. (What a surprise, > huh?) MMK: Yeah, her and Lynn Cullen. > - Sakura is hell on little red sneakers at air hockey. > - Ken is not very good at Karate Master. > - Ryu is the galaxy's most inept driver. > We had a hell of a good time, though. Playoff had a new game, > the second in Sega's Virtua Fighter series - a unique series, not only > for its rendered-polygon technology, but also for the fact that the > characters in the game are based on real fighters, some of whom we > knew. ARL: I'd pay good money to see what some characters would say about the games they're in. RACE: Or what the programmers would say to the characters... Well, Miss Kasumi, we didn't have much to go on when it came to animating your breasts, but we could try some motion capture technology. Here, let me attach the sensors... > We all had a good laugh at the thought of the real Jacky > Bryant's hair being all polygonal and spikey like that. > "Huh," said Ken, watching Ryu and Zoner go at it on VF2. > "Y'know, we should get together and with some game company and do > something like this." He grinned. ARL: ...and the Fourth Wall simultaneously implodes *and* explodes. TBS: What kind of sound would that make, anyway? > "Oh great," Janet observed. "Next thing you know every > league's got its own game. What's that second-string circuit where > they allow body armor and blunt weapons?" > Sakura snorted. "The Vipers? Nobody'd touch a game with > -those- sleazebags in it." RACE: You know, I'd say something about Hutchins flaunting his opinions, but he *does* have a point. MMK: Excuse me, but you are not paying Raxel the respect he deserves. > "I suppose not," Ken said, warming to his idea, "but we've got > charm and class! Only wouldn't it be cool if, instead of this 3D > polygon stuff, it was a hand-drawn anime-style game, y'know, with 2D > animated sprites, like a modern version of Karate Master? Yeah, > that'd kick! I'll have to make some calls." ARL: Spot the irony, ladies and gentlemen! GAVOK: I found it! [A beat.] GAVOK: Wait, it's just a dried-up Jujubee. Sorry, my bad. > "I'd pay real money to see you get M. Bison to agree to be in > a video game," I remarked. > "Watch me," Ken said with a smirk. "He'll do it; it'll feed > his ego." GAVOK : And who knows more about ego than me? MMK : AHEM! > "Why hand-drawn?" Janet wondered. > Ken shrugged. "Looks cool. Cooler than polygons, anyway. S.D.: Uh-oh, Cracker Jack and Sharon aren't going to like *that*... > If you get the right artists." > "If you're going to make it sprite-based," Ryu wondered, > pausing for a moment to take Zoner for a ride on Splash Mountain, > "why not use digitized photos of the fighters?" > Ken, Sakura, Zoner, Janet and I all winced together and said > in unison, "Eew!" GAVOK: Baraka owns each and every one of you! RACE: Hey! GAVOK: I stand by my comment. > "OK, maybe not," Ryu said, shrugging and returning his full > concentration to the game. S.D : Curse you, game cabinet... you will blink yet. YOU WILL BLINK YET! > END BATTLE 03 MMK: I'm tired. You end it. [The screen, with a whine of interference, goes black.] ======== END TRANSMISSION... END TRANSMISSION... ======== [SCENE: A basic table on a white set. Sitting behind is Scorpion, in his typical ninja armor with a set of katanas across his back. Sub-Zero stands behind him, wearing similar blue ninja armor.] SCORPION: Hello and good evening, fellow denizens of the Dream City area and outlying principalities. I am Scorpion, undead star of the outstanding Boon and Tobias gaming franchise "Mortal Kombat." And behind me is the Lin Kuei assassin, yet not technically undead, my companion Sub-Zero, of the same said franchise. SUB-ZERO: Yes. We do indeed come from the same franchise and earn royalty checks from time to time from many resources. SCORPION: Indeed we do, ninja brother, but that is not why we have come before you today. SUB-ZERO: Correct, slightly undead brother. SCORPION: Yes. We have come before you today as we represent an organization addressing a very disturbing trend to our community. It is the inaccurate archetype, and it is causing havoc in our streets. SUB-ZERO: Indeed so. When was the last time this happened to you, faithful viewer? [The scene shifts. Mortal Kombat Ninja REPTILE stands at a street corner in Dream City, seemingly lost in his thoughts. Then, suddenly, a teenager in a karate gi jumps out of nowhere.] KID: Hey! Fight me! REPTILE: I do not wish to. I am late for an appointment with my friends. KID: You're chicken! You're afraid of my insane Sayien powurz! HAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [The kid charges up, hair turning gold as he grunts, charging his power.] REPTILE: I am? Well, I didn't say tha-- KID: KAMEHAMEHA! [The kid launches a fireball into REPTILE's chest. The ninja immediately curls up and groans as the kid laughs and runs off.] REPTILE: Oh...oooooh...I have felt my spleen in a place where it should not be in... [We zip back to SCORPION and SUB-ZERO.] SCORPION: This staged scene is perhaps a sad example on what is happening in our streets. Every fifteen minutes, a citizen of Dream City is either injured or harassed by raving packs of self-insert delinquents, spurred on by the stereotype that to become a fighter, you must wander around a lot and start fights. SUB-ZERO: The problem is not limited to the would-be saiyans and shotoclones. Watch this next example. [We move back to the same street corner. REPTILE stands, trying to regain his breath.] REPTILE: Oh... my organs seem to be rearranging themselves quite-- [A blue-jumpsuited figure with a large sword walks over, and promptly kicks REPTILE in the nuts.] REPTILE: OUCH! How can I propogate my tribe now? SOLDIER: You are a pathetic opponent. My training in the SOLDIER program has rendered me invulnerable to your worthless attacks. REPTILE: Attacks...? I did not-- SOLDIER: SILENCE! [kicks REPTILE again] REPTILE: AAAAAUGH! [Another figure walks into the frame, clad in a black trenchcoat and fingerless gloves.] BLACK TRENCHCOAT: Ah...another one to test his mettle against the famed BLACK TRENCHCOAT, best Street Fighter in the world! REPTILE: What the fu--OW! You are kicking me in private areas! Stop it! HELP! HELP! (The black trenchcoat man and the SOLDIER start kicking REPTILE. Then suddenly, a brown haired girl in a sailor suit, cat ears, and a tail jumps down onto the sidewalk.) SAILOR: Halt! In the name of the Moon! I, Sailor Fuzzy Omega Neko Bomber shall destroy all the evildoers! In the name of me and *only* me, I will... REPTILE: Thank Boon and Tobias! I am saved! SAILOR: AIYA! You messed up my speech! Ninja no baka! [The sailor scout bops Reptile on the head with her scepter. The group starts beating up on the helpless ninja, who screams for help as we move back to SUB-ZERO and SCORPION.] SCORPION: And every other fifteen minutes, an innocent canon character gets accosted or terribly injured by hordes of wandering self-inserts, concerned only with making their reputations, and not with being productive members of a community. SUB-ZERO: Fellow citizens, do you not find it saddening that we as a city have not grown out of this campaign of bigotry and wallowing in general stereotypes? We do, and we have decided to act out upon it. SCORPION: Yes. Here at the Society of Consistant Reeducation on Archetypal Maladies in Self-Insertion, or SCRAMS, for short, we have sent our competent team of experts out in the field to teach our community the evils of overgeneralization and stereotype, so that the self-inserts of tomorrow will not commit the mistakes of the self-inserts of today. [The scene shifts to a large building that looks a bit like an oversized military complex, labeled SCRAMS. Outside, random Saiyans, shotoclones, and sailor scouts wander around with textbooks and backpacks. [We shift to a classroom scene where many types of self-inserts are attending a class, which is taught by famous instructor DAN HIBIKI.] SUB-ZERO : Our teaching staff is one of the best in the world at the deprogramming of destructive or munchkin-like tendencies, and even promotes a unique style of etiquette. DAN: Now class, remember what you've learned today, and tell me what you can do to impress members of the opposite sex. [The class raises their hands.] DAN: Yes, SuperRanma20x. I saw your hand up first. SUPERRANMA20X: Have a witty, humble disposition? DAN: Yes...that's a good one...what else? Almighty Krodd? KRODD: Attentive listening and conversation skills? DAN: Another good one. James? JAMES: Use my Aura of Smooth to attract the well-established characters of certain-- DAN: No! NO! Have I taught you nothing? [The scene shifts again to another classroom, this one a home economics course, where various mages, wizards, and the occasional fuku-clad catgirl are making delicious baked goods. The instructor, who looks fat and pink, dressed in oddly Arabian clothes, is looking over the class's projects.] SCORPION [voice over]: In return, we teach the students useful skills that they can take back home for proper use. MAJIN BU: Ha ha ha! What you cook for Bu, kitty kitty Nyao Nyao? CATGIRL: [lifts up a tray of cookies, which are, of course, catshaped] I made cookies! =^.^= [BU takes one of the cookies and eats it.] MAJIN BU: Mmmmmm...chocolate! And what you make, magic Soulreaver? [A teenager wearing a monk's cowl walks forward with his bowl, which seems to be steaming in a strange way.] SOULREAVER: I have perfected a potion so *lethal* that it can kill anyone if they just *look* at it. (BU looks at the bowl, then slurps it. There is a long pause.) MAJIN BU: Needs ketchup. [We shift to SCORPION and SUB-ZERO at the table.] SCORPION: Our goal at SCRAMS is to educate our young heroes in the ways of teamwork, humility, and respecting their elders. With a little help and generous donations, we will be able to complete this enterprise. SUB-ZERO: If you know someone who's suffering from self-insertion symptoms, or just wish to make something out of your career, contact our office on Aensland Parkway, just past Lucky Dan's Shrub Emporium and the Peek-A-Boo Hello Kitty Panty Panty Revue, or call our number at 1-877-69-SCRAMS to receive a brochure and other interesting literature on this growing problem. SCORPION: And now, back to the wonderful programming on this station, or something. ======== Edited by: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde twilde@gamepartisan.com http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ Compiled by: Austin Loomis AGLoomis@aol.com Written by: Alair asellus@seanbaby.com Alicia Ashby lynxara@bad-candy.com Patrick "eonsinger" Bradley eonsinger@thedorm.com the Black Snotling Snotter@sluggy.net http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~Snotling Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ Alex Fauth rickr@ihug.com.au http://www.elmerstudios.com Geson "Racewing" Hatchett ghatch@panix.com http://racewing.tripod.com Oniko Hakubi oni_ko@yahoo.com James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ Gavin "Gavok" Jasper gjj2192@rit.edu http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol/index.html Austin Loomis AGLoomis@aol.com Mark Poa markpoa@edsamail.com.ph S.D. Ryukage dragon48@ptd.net John "Ripper Jak" Stoddert WYVERN5555@aol.com http://members.xoom.com/RipperJak/ Arlieth Tralare arlieth@west.net Scott "W4" Watson woofer@yepmail.net All Street Fighters and associated characters are the property of Capcom. The other participants in the crossover jamboree are similarly spoken for, with the exceptions of Gryphon, Zoner, Fury, and presumably Dr. Mueller, who're all the property of Eyrie Productions, all rights deserved. All characters in the theater are the property of their respective writers. Stealing them would be sort of pathetic. All power to the people, and ban the fucking bomb. MOT: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot.html > "Before you plan the sneak, we should figure out how we're > going to cover our collective ass."