Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 201 "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy," Chapters Three and Four Original by Benjamin Hutchins and MegaZone, for Eyrie Productions MiSTed by the 1-Up Mushrooms: possessor of a Mark II Angel Heart, Alair the godmother of the conspiracy theory, Alicia Ashby your favorite DJ savior, Patrick "eonsinger" Bradley breakin' in the malls, the Black Snotling breakin' in the streets, Nicholas Eckert Riboflavin's sidekick, Alex Fauth the Lifetime Wild Guy, TV's Gavok star of _The Crying Game_, Oniko Hakubi the bellhop at the Hotel Zack, Geson "Racewing" Hatchett appearing courtesy of Maverick Records, Austin Loomis a fresh face on the morning drive, Mark Poa the One Who Returned Alive From the Nightmare, S.D. Ryukage the vampire with a soul, John "R.Jak" Stoddert Singapore's sugar daddy, Arlieth Tralare intern at Muppet Labs, Scott "W4" Watson and me, the sole member of ACROSS, Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Compiled by Austin "Aggravated Assault" Loomis Edited by Thomas Wilde ======================================================= DISCLAIMER Season two of Mystery Octagon Theater 3000 is here with something halfway between a bang and a whimper! We are, as usual, a somewhat nonstandard MiSTing group, with the accessibility of a fever dream and the continuity of surrealist art. This MiSTing, another drag off of the six-foot wet bomber joint that *is* "Warrior's Legacy," is rated R for extreme profanity and Spanish ninjitsu. =================================================================== WAITING... WAITING... ======== [SCENE: Back in the lobby. The LOONS have gathered around a table, chatting and drinking sundry beverages that, due to a lack of commercial investors, will not be mentioned by brand name. ARL, S.D. and RACE are standing by the snack bar, keeping a safe distance from the trio.] S.D.: You know, I've been thinking about the 'fic... ARL: That's probably a bad idea. RACE: Speaking from experience, Arly? ARL: Yes, and I have the hospital expenses to prove it. [to S.D.] I'm sorry, what were you about to say? S.D.: I was about to say that there's a possibility that Hutchins' munchkin-like ways may not entirely be his fault. ARL: "Not his fault?" He wrote the 'fic! How can it not be his fault? S.D.: You ever see any of the source books for the Street Fighter RPG? ARL: Can't say that I have. S.D.: How about you, Race? RACE: Yeah, once. "30% less angst than other White Wolf products," right? S.D.: Something like that. Anyway, I checked the books out on a whim, and the way the newer fighting styles and skill point systems are set up seems to encourage munchkin behavior. Heck, I've seen mock character sheets for cybernetic human/agave worm hybrids that would make Hutchins look like *Dan*, for chrissakes. [Unseen to all, WANDERER shudders and clutches his head in pain.] RACE: Which means...? S.D.: Which means that Ben is technically writing his character as he would behave in a "normal" SFRPG. [pauses] Minus the smarm, of course. ARL: There's always the possibility that self-insertion authors are, on the whole, twinks, regardless of their styles or role-playing bases. S.D.: Yeah, well, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the dou-- LOONS: YAY! FURY! [ALL blink.] RACE: ...the hell? ARL: Something tells me I don't want to know, but morbid curiosity has the best of me... unfortunately. [They cast their gazes over to the table THE LOONS are sitting at, and find that all three of them are wearing hats and T-shirts emblazoned with Fury the dog's head and the words "FURY 3:16."] GAVOK: I tell ya, Fury is a son of a bitch! You fellas know Fury? TBS: Yeah, I know Fury! About seventy-five pounds, forty-two teeth... and he really *is* a son of a bitch, you know. I mean, he's a dog, right? MMK: Not just *any* dog! He's FURY! LOONS: YAY! FURY! GAVOK: Fury dragged me from my burning car! He was the one who set it on fire! MMK: I saw him paddle into the frigid waters of the Arctic and swallow a live adult seal in one bite! TBS: Fury's shed fur is used to make Turkish Delight! MMK: Fury taught Piro how to draw, and bought Largo his first b33r! GAVOK: You know Fury's a big dog, right? MMK: Oh yeah, he's, what? One hundred and thirty pounds, with seventy teeth? GAVOK: Well, once I saw Fury bench-press five Nissan Pathfinders with one paw! To Fury! LOONS: YAY! FURY! MMK: Fury knows the secret to KFC's blend of herbs and spices! TBS: His Space Ghost episode was the third or fourth greatest ever! GAVOK: Fury totally kicked my ass, Knight's ass and his *own* ass in Twisted Metal: Black! MMK: He introduced heroin and flannel to Kurt Cobain! GAVOK: Fury was best man at my wedding! Slobbered on all the bridesmaids and stole the wedding car! TBS: Fury single-handedly kicked the ass of the Brazilian soccer team in the qualifiers! MMK: Well, why wouldn't he? He's a big dog. GAVOK: Yeah, two hundred and twenty pounds, two rows of ninety-six teeth... he's a tough bastard. TBS: Reminds me of that time I was out drinking with Fury. Out of nowhere he pulls out this chainsaw and slices me right in half! I ask him why he did it, and he says, "if you have to ask, you'll never know." Those words changed my life. To FURY! LOONS: YAY! FURY! RACE: Fury? I *know* Fury! [THE LOONS turn and stare at RACE.] RACE: ...what? GAVOK: You're just trying to get free drinks out of us, aren't you? RACE: No. [They glare at him. He sighs.] RACE: All right, fine. I was. MMK: The truth will set you free, Race. Now leave, lest the Great Fury turn his righteous... righteous... uh... [gesticulates] ...help me out here, guys... TBS: Fury? MMK: Yeah! Lest the Great Fury turn his righteous fury upon you! LOONS: YAY! FURY! [RACE sighs in exasperation and walks away.] MMK: Hey, guys, I hear Fury, E. Honda and Bill Brasky are hidden characters in King of Fighters 2002! GAVOK: He's faster than Strider, stronger than Zangief, tougher than Sentinel and can combo five beam Supers together, and he's probably going to be even tougher in the game! TBS: Well, he's a tough dog. Four hundred pounds, three hundred teeth... MMK: You guys know Fury wrote the source code for Earthbound? GAVOK: I hear Fury is single-handedly responsible for the extinction of the carrier pidgeon! MMK: I once saw that magnificent bastard go forty minutes in a Japanese Death Match with Super Crazy and it was one of the greatest matches I've ever seen! TBS: He has the number one television show in Japan! GAVOK: Snot, that's me. TBS: Oh, cool! TO GAVOK! LOONS: YAY! GAVOK! GAVOK: Thanks guys. Say, you know how Fury's a huge mother of a dog, right? MMK: Yeah! Seven hundred and fifty-three pounds, four hundred and twenty teeth... GAVOK: Well, I heard-- S.D. : I heard he's a giant chicken. [THE LOONS blink, glance over at SD, look back at each other and think for a moment before shrugging.] MMK: He's a giant chicken! To FURY! LOONS: YAY! FURY! [S.D. growls.] RACE: Your mojo has failed. SD: Oh, shut up. GAVOK: Fury fought the robot kings and saved the human race again! MMK: I was in a black operation in the Amazon with Fury! Crazy mofo gnawed down a tree to use as an escape raft with his tail! TBS: His involvement in the Kananaskis G8 summit has led to policy changes that will reduce the national debt of twenty-two African countries by over $19 billion U.S.! GAVOK: Fury leveled Tokyo *five times* with his psychic powers, just because! TBS : Fury was a lensman, a way-ay-ay-ay... MMK: Fury owns 51% of Macintosh *and* Microsoft's stock, and pits them against each other for kicks! GAVOK: In King of Fighters '96 Fury pimp-slapped Goenitz to death, then slept with Mature, Vice *and* Chizuru, and it was the best damn night any of them ever had! MMK: Here's to Fury, a one thousand and twenty pound, thousand-toothed beast that could eat a hammer and no-sell a shotgun blast! LOONS: YAY! FURY! TBS: ...you know something? Even though Fury's responsible for seventeen movie soundtracks and all the Billboard Top 40 hits of the week of June 15, 1997, nobody's ever written a song about him. GAVOK: But if someone did write a song about him, I'm sure it would go a little like this... [Eighties-style synth music begins playing. GAVOK blinks.] GAVOK: No, wait. [The music abruptly stops with a loud record scratch.] GAVOK: It would go like *this*... ------ The All Loon Revue "What Would Wonder Dog Fury Do? (with apologies to DVDA)" It Still Kinda Hurts When I Think About It 'Vok Around the Clock Records Director: Roger Christian ------ GAVOK: What would Wonder Dog Fury do If he was here right now, He'd make a plan And he'd follow through, That's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do. MMK: Woah, hang on. "Wonder Dog Fury?" GAVOK: If it was "Fury the Wonder Dog," then the beat would be off. MMK: It sounds a little weird, but I'll roll with it. TBS: Fury the Wonder Dog was in Worcester, Fighting Shadoloo, He beat up Bison and his goons, And trained Sakura too! MMK: When Fury was in MegaTokyo, Duelling boomers rogue, He kicked their ass with his Tae Kwan Do, And his mighty... um... [MMK pulls out a dictionary out of his sleeve and flips through it.] MMK: ...brogue! TBS: What's a brogue? MMK: Says here it's "a thick and heavy shoe." GAVOK: That works. TBS: Wait, can dogs wear shoes? GAVOK: No... but Fury can! TBS: Oh yeah! Fury can do *anything!* LOONS: So if we turned on the Fury-Signal, And he came to help today, I'm sure he'd kick an ass or three, That's what Fury would do for me. GAVOK: Fury's a credited M.D., And can perform brain surgery! TBS: Fury knows his Jeet Kune Do, Judo, Karate and Tae Bo! MMK: He's a prodigy, like Doogie Howser, But he's a dog, so he's Doogie Schnauser! LOONS: And what would Wonder Dog Fury do, He'd call all SIs in town, Make them repent their munchkin ways, That's what Wonder Dog Fury would do. TBS: When Fury travelled through Space in the Wedge, To Fahrvergnugen's den, He fought the evil Iczer-2, And saved the Wedge Rats again. GAVOK: And when Fury founded NASA, He beat up Lord Quan Chi... LOONS: 'Cause Fury the Wonder Dog doesn't take shit from ANYBODY! So let's all get together, And go stop Shadoloo, And we'll mock Gryphon and Zoner too, Cuz that's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do. And we'll mock Gryphon and Zoner too, Cuz that's what Wonder Dog Fury'd dooooooo, That's what Wonder Dog Fury'd do! ------ The All Loon Revue "What Would Wonder Dog Fury Do? (with apologies to DVDA)" It Still Kinda Hurts When I Think About It 'Vok Around the Clock Records Director: Roger Christian ------ ARL: Wait, why would Fury make fun of Gryphon and Zoner? They're the ones who feed him, take him on walks-- MMK: He's questioning the greatness of the One True Fury! GET HIM!! ARL: Eep. [ARL turns and runs for his life, with THE LOONS in hot pursuit.] S.D.: ...I hate this theater. WAND : Quick, Arly! Hide in here! [The theater doors open and ARL runs in, still being chased by THE LOONS.] WAND : I am *smooth*. A.O.D. : Smooth like a gravel pit. WAND : AoD, try as you may, you will not knock my moon out of orbit and upset my tides of well-being-ness. [S.D. and RACE look at each other, then roll their eyes and head into the theater.] ======== > G S.D. : It'sssss time to choose, Missssster Freeman... > I awoke slowly - more so than usual - GAVOK : One eye open... then the other... yawn... > and spent an inordinate amount of time sorting out the memories of > the previous day. TBS : I just remembered! I was a half-dragon, half-elven princess in a past life! ARL: I call no more Otherkin jokes. TBS: Fair enough. > Two fights, a big meal and a lengthy carouse. RACE : Oh? Does Mister RenFaire want to *carouse?* S.D. : Oh, excuse me while I *pull up a pew,* huh? ARL : Oh, *prithee* and *Hey Nonny Nonny*, gentle coz! MMK : All right! I confess! I was never cool! Forgive me! > OK... oh Christ, GAVOK : I gave you a win over Ryu! Stop bugging me! > did I really say that to Janet? TBS : All your base are belong to us! > I hope she doesn't remember it. > A quick systems check indicated that I'd managed to escape a > hangover, which was good. GAVOK: Behold, the remake of a 1980s classic, "Escape from Hangover." ARL: It was "Escape from Absolom." GAVOK: Wasn't that a cooking show? > In fact, I felt pretty good for a guy who'd had the proverbial > stuffing kicked out of him the day before. That's what comes of > being drubbed by a considerate professional. ARL: Sure, he was beaten senseless, but it was a *polite* beating, damn it! > I pulled on a clean T-shirt and a pair of decently unratty > shorts, brushed my teeth, and prowled into the living room, expecting > to find the last of our guests gone and the house quiet again. > Instead, GAVOK: --Charlie was drinking the last beer and hitting on the floor lamp. > I found Sakura Kasugano, who was just in the process of pulling the > drawstring on her duffel bag shut. As I entered the room, Zoner, > who was standing near the corner, shot me one of those warning looks, MMK : Psst! Fangirl clogged the toilet! > though the reason didn't register on me at the time. > "Heading out?" I asked. > "Yep," Sakura replied. "Ryu left before I got up - I have to > get moving if I want to catch him." S.D.: That's what you get for buying low-quality handcuffs. RACE: ...okay, now do you mean that in a "Ryu's trapped by Sakura" way, or a "Ryu and Sakura had kinky sex" way? S.D.: Yes. [S.D. smirks. RACE fumes.] > "Catch him? You aren't going home?" S.D : Oh, Mom and Dad don't like me taking in strays. > Sakura snorted. "I wouldn't be welcome, not after coming all > the way over here. Not that I care much anyway... it was time > I got out of there." > "You don't want to go back?" I asked, incredulous. > "That's right," said Sakura, folding her arms and looking > determined. "I don't want to go back." MMK : I'm not going back, Jim. > Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > presents RACE: Samuel L. Jackson in... THE PHONE CALL! > A Third Universe from the Right Production > of a > Straight On Till Morning Film MMK : I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky... > STREET FIGHTER: WARRIOR'S LEGACY > > BATTLE 04: THE GREAT PLANE ROBBERY TBS: Wasn't that a book about how New Zealand's kids are being dumbed down by television? GAVOK: No, that's _The Great Brain Robbery_. TBS: Then it was a famous real-life crime committed by Ronnie Biggs. MMK: You know full well that was _The Great *Train* Robbery_. TBS: Oh. Then it must've been a 1984 Burt Reynolds vehicle with Jackie Chan and Tony Danza in it. RACE: Actually, he's right. ARL: It was _Cannonball Run II_ and you know it. GAVOK: Snot's word is law, remember? ARL: I hate you all. > Benjamin D. Hutchins > MegaZone GAVOK: And Scott Baio as Chachi. > with the gracious assistance of The Usual Suspects > and a bit of cadging from Warehouse 23 > RACE : ...and while I'm in the area, I might as well pick up a copy of "Munchkin." ARL: That's... strangely apropos. > (c) 1998 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > > > "Wait a minute, what do you mean, you don't want to go back? > You have to go back, it's your home!" RACE : Are you too good for your home?! ANSWER ME! > Zoner shot me a glare that said he wasn't buying that line, > and doubted she would either. > "No it isn't," she replied, her eyes dark and serious. "It's > just a place where I used to sleep. Everything I really need is in > that bag. S.D. : Why is your duffel bag vibrating? > I can take care of myself on the road... just like Ryu." RACE : For it's the Road that defines our nation in this time, the spirit of travel that claims people for its own and they make the Road their home and boon companion... > "Won't your parents miss you?" > Sakura snorted. "Not likely. My father would throw a party > if I didn't come home. MMK : Here's to lowered insurance premiums! Huzzah! > Half the time he doesn't even notice me, and the other half he > wishes he had two sons." ARL: Sean and Shingo. RACE: He doesn't know how good he has it... to be blessed with such a wonderful, wonderful daughter! S.D.: Ooh, yeah, his daughter is the token fanservice for fat, pimply American arcade hounds and lecherous Japanese salarymen! *Real* prestigious... RACE : It's almost as if you *want* me to hurt you... > "Well... " I paused, realized I was at a loss, and sighed, > frustrated. "Look, you can't just hit the streets. S.D. : You'll break your hand. > Even for someone with your skills, [RACE and S.D. pull out pistols and simultaneously hold them to each other's head.] RACE, S.D.: Make that joke and die. > at your age it's just not safe." > "So what do you care?" > "You might just be surprised," Zoner interjected before Sakura's look > made him think the better of getting in the middle of this one. TBS : Yeah, we're gonna *spit-roast* her! [S.D and RACE whirl and shoot TBS.] TBS: Ouch. Worth it. Ouch. > "I don't want you to get hurt, believe it or not!" I replied, > then paused again, trying to calm down. I didn't want to lose my > temper with her - that would just make her leave, and I really didn't > want her to get hurt. She thought she was tough enough to hack it, GAVOK : 3y3 y4m 31337, d4mn j00!!!!!1!11 > and it's even possible she was, but it wouldn't be a pleasant > experience for her either way. > "Listen," I said after regaining control. "Will you at least > let me call your folks? MMK : Call my folks what? [TBS plays a rimshot.] > I can't imagine any parent not wanting their > child to come home." GAVOK: Hey, Gryphon, how're your folks at home? > She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine, if you want, but I'm > telling you, they -don't- want me back." TBS : Maybe if you had a recipt... > She rummaged in her bag and handed me a card. GAVOK : Idiot Test. Please turn over. Idiot Test. Please turn over. Idiot Test. Please turn over. > "Dad's probably at work, go ahead and call him if > you want. But you're wasting your time," she added. > "Well," I replied, "it's my time to waste." I picked up the > phone, dialed the number, punched the extension when a voicemail > system answered, and hoped. > "Kasugano," a man's voice answered, gruffly, after two rings. TBS : What're you wearing? > Ack. I hate opening phone conversations, and this one > promised to be more awkward than most. ARL: Particuarly since there wasn't even a "Moshi moshi" to start it off. > >Er... hello, Mr. Kasugano,< I said, frantically dusting off > my Japanese. I probably sounded like an idiot, but I've found that > many Japanese will at least give you points for making the effort. > >My name is Benjamin Hutchins, I'm calling you from the United > States.< S.D. : --collect. > >Yes?< he replied, in a tone of voice that added, "Spit it > out, I haven't got all day." ARL: What with Japan being about eighteen hours ahead and all. > >Ah... yes. Well, uh... This is kind of awkward, but... I, > uh, I have your daughter here, and I'd like to send her home.< GAVOK : I'm having trouble finding a box big enough. > >If this is some kind of a joke - < Mr. Kasugano began, outrage > creeping into his tone. > >No joke, Mr. Kasugano,< I replied. MMK : If you don't send me five hundred million yen in unmarked bills by... [checks watch] five p.m., I'm going to send her back to you. >>She turned up here > Saturday evening, and... well, now she's at a bit of a loose end.< > Zoner cringed a bit; I suppose I could have phrased that better. > >You mean she's given up chasing after that lowlife street fighter?< > I suppressed my natural reaction at such an unkind generalization, ARL: ...that wasn't a generalization. He's talking about a specific guy. > especially toward a friend of mine, and replied, >Uh... In a manner > of speaking... < > >What is -your- connection, then?< he snapped. S.D. : Cable modem, upgraded from a 56k a couple weeks ago. > His peremptory tone was beginning to grate on me, so I'm > afraid I was less than 99-44/100% smooth, replying dryly, ARL : At the *hip*, boyeee! > >I'm the guy she came here to see that lowlife street fighter fight.< > >I see,< he replied, his tone chilly. >And she's been staying > with you?< > >In my guest room,< I qualified, in case he was drawing -that- > conclusion. RACE: Don't even *joke* about that, you son of a-- S.D. : I love rabid fandoms, don't you? > >Since Saturday evening, yes.< > >I see,< he repeated, tone even colder. He paused, then > replied flatly, >Then I wish you well of her. Good day.< > I couldn't have been more shocked if somebody had cuffed me > upside the head with a large-mouthed bass. GAVOK: Care to test that theory? [GAVOK holds up a large-mouth bass.] ARL: Where'd you get that fish? GAVOK: What fish? [The bass disappears in a puff of smoke. ARL blinks.] ARL: ...right. > >Wa, wah, wait a minute, > what?!< I blurted, managing to keep him from hanging up right away. > >Sakura is no longer welcome in my home,< replied Mr. Kasugano > flatly. >If you choose to take her into yours, then I hope for your > sake she is more thoughtful of you than she was of her own family. > Now, if you will excuse me, I am a very busy man.< > >Hold it, hold it!< I replied. My Japanese, I noticed, was > becoming smoother as I got more agitated - a good sign that I hadn't > let it get too rusty between visits. MMK: He also speaks fluent Sanskrit, Latin, and Mexican. ARL: You mean Spanish. TBS: He knows what he said. ARL: You stay out of this. >I don't know what issues you > and your kids have, Mr. Kasugano, TBS : Well, she has a room full of _Nakayoshi_ and _Hana to Yume_, but I've a shelf of _Mister Magazine_ and _Shuman Gold_--um, you didn't hear that last bit. > but it's none of my affair! She turned up on the eve of my fight > with Ryu and I gave her a place to sleep because I'm not the > kind of guy who puts little girls out in the street, S.D. : Not without Guido standing by in the limo just in case... RACE: Kill. You. Must. Kill. Yes. > but I'm not looking to adopt a kid just yet. She's your > daughter - you can't just give her away!< RACE: I'll take her! > >She has been a constant source of disappointment and anguish > to me and to her mother,< Kasugano growled. >And YOU PEOPLE are to > blame! ARL: So if Remy had kids... > You street fighters have made her what she is - now she is > YOUR problem. Not mine! Not any more! I wash my hands of her. I > have no daughter.< RACE: So if Mojo Jojo had kids... > >You can't DO that!< > >Do not call me again,< said Kasugano flatly. RACE : The long-distance rates are a bitch and a half, lemme tell you. > >Good day.< S.D. : Do you mean this is a day to be good on, or do you wish me a good day, or are you trying to get rid of me? > Click. ARL: So if Remy *and* Mojo Jojo had kids... > I stared at the phone for several seconds in mute > incomprehension, which gave way slowly to a wave of red-hot rage that, > as it peaked, made me slam the phone into its cradle so hard the bell > rang. > "Son of a BITCH!" GAVOK : Hey, man, I'm just the messenger. > "That could have gone better," Zoner observed. > "See?" said Sakura. "I told you." > I looked at her, spread my hands helplessly. I had nothing to > say to that. She picked up her bag with studied nonchalance, threw it > over her shoulder, and headed for the door. > "Well, so long. Thanks for everything." > "Wait," I said, trotting across the kitchen to keep up with > her. "Where will you go?" MMK : To a place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh so FLUFFY! [*DING!*] > "What do you care?" she replied. > I shrugged, exasperated. "Call it a character flaw." GAVOK: [gasps] Flaw? With Gryphon? Wow! TBS: Yeah, you get five building points for taking a strict moral code. > I hadn't noticed Zoner beside me until he spoke. "We're just > caring guys. Not everyone you meet is an asshole, just most. Call us > crazy, but we worry about our friends. Even if we have just met." ARL : He's plagarizing. > "The bus station, if you must know." > "I see. How much money do you have?" > "Umm... " She pulled out her change purse and counted. > "Seven fifty-three." S.D. : That's not a cash balance -- that's sarcasm! > "Uh-huh. Well, you should be able to make it all the way > to... oh... " I paused and looked thoughtful. "... the other side of > the bus station parking lot or so, on that." She glared. "OK, let's > take another tack on this. Where were you planning on catching a bus > to, or had you worked that out yet?" ARL : Nowhere in particular. GAVOK : Man, I wish I was you. > She shrugged. "I dunno. Boston, maybe. Or New York." > "To do what?" [GAVOK opens his mouth.] RACE: [glares] Don't push me. MMK : --'cause I'm close to the edge. I've been reincarnated as a very small trimmed hedge. [RACE facepalms.] > "... I dunno, exactly. What does it matter? You don't want > me here any more than my father wants me back." > "Would you believe me if I told you that wasn't true?" MMK : We need a maid. This place is a pigsty! GAVOK : Plus, you cook a mean teppanyaki. [RACE twitches.] RACE: Why must you make me wait for the other shoe to drop? > Would -I-? Zoner's jaw was set, ARL : I tried to tell him his face would stay like that if the wind changed... > I took that to mean he agreed with my statement. GAVOK : Greedo was robbed! Robbed, I tell you! MMK : Whatever. > She looked long and hard at me, and for a moment, I thought > I'd really gotten through; but then her eyes narrowed stubbornly GAVOK : Narrow. TBS : No! GAVOK : Narrow, damn you! TBS : You're not the boss of me, bitch! GAVOK : GODDAMNIT! DO IT!! TBS : Whoa. Okay then. ARL: We almost went an entire episode without that line. Thanks *so* much. GAVOK, TBS: You're Welcome! [ARL sighs and shakes his head sadly.] > and she replied, "Yeah, as if. See you around." > "All right, I won't try to stop you from leaving. But I don't > think it's a good idea." I dug one of my cards out of my wallet > and gave it to her. RACE : Breast Inspector? > "Keep this. If you need anything, call me anytime." MMK : Just call 36-24-36, hey, I lead a life of crime! > I wished I had some money to give her, too, but as it happened the > previous evening's extravagance had left me cashless. ARL : I think Gauntlet Legends actually *mugged* me. > She gave me a sidelong look. > "Anytime," I repeated. > She cracked the faintest hint of a smile. "OK, I'll take it. > See you." TBS : Be seeing you. [gives Village salute] > "Hold it," Zoner added. Sakura looked ready to fight if he > tried to stop her; Zoner held up a hand to show he wasn't going to > try. "Here, take this - and I won't take no for an answer. If you > won't stay, you're going to let us help you somehow. ARL : Tip One: pants. > There are few ways an attractive underage woman can make money; > none are very pleasant." RACE: Just what the hell are you saying? She wouldn't resort to... to... MMK: ...working at McDonald's? RACE: NO! [pause] RACE: Wait, what? > With that he pressed a few bills into her hand. Looked > like a couple of hundred. GAVOK : No, wait! Take this rubber duckie! There are many other bath toys for young girls and none of them are pleasant! TBS : No, wait! Drink this soda! There are many carbonated beverages out there and none of them are pleasant! GAVOK : No, wait! Take my umbrella! There are few umbrellas in this earthquake-ravaged city and none of them are pleasant! > I showed her out, and as the door closed, I turned and slumped > against it, looking at Zoner. > "She'll be back," he said simply, S.D. : Once she'd had the old Gryphster, she's gonna be wanting more! [RACE grits his teeth audibly.] > and went to his room. > "Christ," I muttered. MMK : Jesus, you've been sleeping on our couch for way too long! > Twenty minutes later, I was sitting in the den, staring > morosely out the picture window at the rain TBS : Angst angst angst brood brood brood fluffy bunnies angst angst brood brood... > and thinking bleak thoughts. RACE : How come I can never get past 450 metres on Mr. Digger? Why, dammit, world, why? > Considering the luck of the draw. My parents love me, > although they don't really understand me or my need to do what I do. MMK : I can't help it if I love interpretive dance! > My mother doesn't approve, but she would never turn her back on me. > Even if the unthinkable were to happen, I'm out on my own, fairly > well-established, with a sizable nest egg in the bank and a good > income from the interest. Wipe that out and I'm left with a network > of friends, good friends, all around the globe. What did Sakura have? ARL: The best overhead in SFA3 and the undying adoration of sixty million guys with Asian fetishes? > A pretty good grasp of something resembling Shotokan karate, a handful > of money, a passport and my telephone number. GAVOK: ...and karma. Lots and lots of karma. > I couldn't help but feel that I had done the wrong thing letting > her walk out of the house like that... but if she didn't want > to stay, it was hardly right to make her... > ... wasn't it? RACE : Should I bend this one to my will or not? Hmm... > I sighed, turned away from the window and lay down on the > couch, draping an arm over the side to scratch Fury's ears. He made a > contented noise and leaned a little closer to the sofa. MMK: Well, at least Fury's happy. LOONS: Yay, Fury! > I couldn't imagine how it must feel to be a teenaged girl > abandoned by her family, all alone in the world. > But that didn't stop me from trying... TBS : Hey Zoner, can you go buy me a skirt and women's underwear? I want to try something. > I sighed again and got up, cursing under my breath. Zoner > looked up from the kitchen table, where he was perusing his newest > issue of "Popular Mechanics", S.D. : He was holding it horizontal again. I worry about that boy. > as I passed through the room, muttering > darkly and pulling on my outback oilskin, Fury trotting at my heels. > "Can't leave it alone, can you?" he said matter-of-factly. > "No," I replied, grabbing the matching hat from the hatstand by > the door. "I can't." > "Me neither," said Zoner, standing up and dropping the > magazine. "I'll drive." S.D : What do you mean, you'll drive? You can't even hold a magazine right! > THIRD-PERSON INTERLUDE > MAIN STREET, WORCESTER > NEAR THE FEDERAL BLDG. MMK: Current mood: self-absorbed! [^_^s] > It started to sink in as Sakura walked up Elm Street, RACE : Didn't I just fall asleep? Why am I outside? And why is a tall Choi Bounge stalking me? > and by the time she was halfway to the bus station, she was so mad at > her father that she couldn't see straight. MMK : Lady, watch out! GAVOK: ERRRRRRRRRRRNK! [crashing sound] TBS: The fact that she bumped into a half-dozen telephone poles and two fire hydrants was a bit of a tip-off. > Where does he get off? she asked herself. S.D., RACE: I'm not touching that. [S.D. and RACE blink and look at each other.] > I mean, it's not like I do drugs or anything like that. GAVOK : Though I did take some testosterone pills before recording my voice for Capcom vs. SNK. > So I like the martial arts, so > I want to learn from the best there is. What's wrong with that? I'll > tell you this much, if it was my brother doing this, Pop sure as hell > wouldn't disown -him-. TBS: Unfortunately for Mr. Kasugano, he was studying percussion under cross-dressing composer Gareth Farr. > He'd be overjoyed that his son was following > such a manly path. But his daughter? An embarrassment. ARL : I'll bet Kasumi Todo doesn't have to put up with this. > To hell with him anyway, she thought as she turned the corner > onto Main Street. Who needs him? > Just then, the grey, threatening sky stopped threatening and > started raining. TBS : I didn't want to do this! You made me do this! > Perfect, thought Sakura. S.D. : A dreary environment brought forth to provide subtle foreshadowing to the tragedy that is about to befall me. > Just exactly what I needed. ARL: Seriously. She hadn't showered for a week. > She was so wrapped up in becoming steadily angrier GAVOK : Grrrr... KAMEKAMEHA! > at her father that she didn't even see the guy walk out of the alley > behind the Federal Building until she ran into him. That flustered her > so much she started apologizing in Japanese before she remembered where > she was. S.D.: American for "excuse me." ARL : Watch where you're goin', mothafucka! > "Oh! Gomen - er, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there." > "Well, hey there, sailor girl," he said with a smile, taking a > couple of steps back and looking her over. Sakura didn't like the > look on his face. RACE : Who the hell puts sunshine yellow face paint on their cheeks? > Come to that, she didn't like his face much; it was > wide and oily. TBS: If a nuclear submarine had crashed into the Exxon Valdez spill all those years ago... *this* would have been the result. > In fact, "wide and oily" describes the whole person > pretty well; he had on a greasy t-shirt that looked too small for his > shoulder muscles and jeans that had seen better decades. ARL : He's got greasy hair, greasy smile, he says "Lord this must be my destination..." [ALL stare blankly at ARL.] ARL: ...what? GAVOK: Dude, your taste in music sucks. > "New in town?" he continued, and his grin changed to a leer. > Harsh laughter from behind Sakura; she stole a glance over her > shoulder to see another, similar but shorter guy stepping around the > corner of the building. GAVOK : Gee, Yogi. Ranger Smith said we shouldn't harass little girls. RACE: Laurel and Hardy really hit the skids. > She realized she must have walked right past > him on that side of the building before turning the corner herself. > "Yeah," chortled the shorter one. "New." > Two to one, hmm? thought Sakura. I've dealt with worse. > "Not for long," she replied. "Soon as I can catch a bus, I'm > out of this dump." > "Aww, leaving so soon?" the one in front asked, stepping > closer. Sakura stood her ground, concentrating on the rhythm of her > breathing, her heartbeat, her center. "Hey, I've got an idea," the > man in front of her said. "Why don't you stay a while and party with > my friend and me?" > "Yeah," said the shorter one behind me. "Party." RACE: So Sakura's dealing with the Ameoba Boys? S.D.: Or Chang and Choi. GAVOK: Nonono. Then it would be "Yessssssssssss! Party!" > Perhaps unfortunately, Sakura didn't feel she was in any danger. ARL: Social Darwinism in action. > In fact, given the day she'd had, she was looking forward to > what was developing here. MMK: Certainly not her chest! [RACE punches MMK on the arm.] > She could feel her ki pulsing in time with > her heartbeat, so she gathered it. S.D: Here we go gathering nuts and Ki. > "No thanks," she said. "Got a bus to catch and all. Maybe > next time I'm in town." > "Oh, well, y'know, how do we know we're gonna be in town when > you're here next?" MMK : I'll page you. GAVOK : Oh, cool! See you, then! TBS: It was about five days before either of them realised that neither had a pager. > "Yeah," said the shorter one. "In town." TBS : Thank you, Steve, but I think she can hear me just fine... GAVOK : Yeah. Just fine. [TBS facepalms.] > That little habit was starting to get on her nerves. > "You got anyplace else to be?" Sakura asked the taller one. > "Not really," he replied. > "Well, there you go," she replied. "I do. So if you'll excuse me... " [GAVOK makes a fart noise.] > "Now honey," he said, and moved a little closer. He was > trying to back Sakura into his friend, but she wasn't giving ground; TBS: [rolls 2d6] Yes! God bless Leadership 10. > looking a little impressed, he backed up again and put his hand on her > shoulder. GAVOK : Vulcan Nerve Pinch! > "That's no way to be," he continued. "All we want is for > you to stay and party with us for a while, and then you can go and do > what you want. I mean, it's a dangerous city, Worcester. S.D.: What with all the boomers and all. > You don't play your cards right, you could get hurt." MMK: You can get papercuts and stuff. ARL : But if you play your cards right, you live to talk about it! > "Yeah," said the shorter one, "play," GAVOK : ...was a fine album that was criminally overplayed on radio and movies. The B-sides disk released later was actually more enjoyable than the album, at that point. RACE : Look, you, just stand there and crony, all right? > as the taller one > tightened his grip on her shoulder until it hurt. > All right, I've had enough of this crap, said Sakura to > herself. She took a half-step back, twisted her shoulder out of the > tall one's grip in the process of backstepping into a fighting stance, > and right on schedule she felt her ki surge and her hands tingle. S.D.: ...and her evil blood began boiling... wait, wrong teenaged butt-kicker trained by the main character of a video game series. MMK: Oh yeah, Rock's got more taste than Sakura too, doesn't he? Huh, fancy that. TBS : Right, I can fit you in for ki-surging and hand-tingling at three, if that's okay with you. > "HADOKEN!" she cried, thrusting her hands forward, and the > fireball burst out, smashing into the tall one's chest and face and > knocking him sprawling on his back. Stepping into the follow-through, > Sakura turned to face the short one. > "Wha' th' fu' - ?" he blurted. > Ooh, thought Sakura, handsome -and- articulate! Just the way > I like them. ALL : Uh-huh uh-huh! That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like them, uh-huh uh-huh... > He lunged at her and tasted one of her shoes as she snapped a > high kick under his chin. S.D : Hey, Indian Rubber! Needs ketchup. > Staggering back, he wiped at his bloody lip. > "Hey!" he cried. "That hurt!" > "Yeah," Sakura replied, "hurt. SHO-OKEN!" It wasn't quite a > perfect Rising Dragon Fist, but Sakura's version of the classic > Shotokan uppercut did the job anyway, GAVOK: On P! P! V! > drilling the short one straight into unconsciousness. > Dusting off her hands, Sakura turned to resume her journey to > the bus station. > And skidded right back to a stop again. > The tall one was back on his feet already, singed and dazed, > but conscious... and three other guys were filling up the sidewalk > behind him. GAVOK: Now if this was Metro City, this would be interesting. > -Now- Sakura was beginning to feel a little threatened, but > she put it aside as they rushed her. This part of the brawl started > out pretty well for her, really, but her concentration started to fall > apart before she'd taken even one of them down - a combination of her > own rising panic as it began to dawn on her what they would do to her > if they won, ARL : I can't party! It's a school night! > and fatigue. It had been a longer day, and a more tiring > journey, than she thought. > Get it together, Sakura, she told herself as she barely > avoided getting clipped by one of their fists. Get it together or > you're going to lose, and this is no friendly sparring match. You > wanted to be a street fighter, girl... here you are. Get it -- > Together! RACE : This is your life now. This is Adult Swim. > She spun on one heel, lifting into the air. "Shunpuu - > KYAKU!" Truth to tell, she wasn't entirely happy with this move > either - it only turned her around once, it wasn't much of a Rising > Cyclone Kick - but it worked well enough to lay out the one in the > orange shirt. MMK : Good grief! > The one in blue lunged; Sakura caught his arm and swung > his face into the side of the Federal Building. ARL: A practical use for government offices. Fancy that. RACE: Is the location of her mugging meant to be clever social commentary? > She turned and squared off with the tall guy and his one remaining > helper, this one in a green t-shirt, and grinned. > "Some party, huh?" she started to ask, but she only got about > as far as "par" before > POW GAVOK: A truckload of 60's Batman sound effect cards spilled onto the street! Oh, the humanity! > the back of her head exploded, or at least, that's how it felt. TBS: So does *she* have head explody, too? > The world turned red and black, winking out entirely for an instant, > then returning as a huge, echoing chamber full of red fog and pain. MMK: Oh, Hammer Horror, how I missed thee. > Sakura felt a second impact ARL: Bad pun, fifteen minutes. > in the small of her back, then a > third as she crashed to the sidewalk on her chin. Waves of nausea > rolled over her like breaking surf. She struggled to get up, keep > fighting, but she felt like she was chained to the ground. RACE: Don't make me hurt you, story. > She could feel rather than see them close in on her... > Somewhere nearby, there was the sound of a powerful engine, the > squeal of tires, and the metallic clunk of a car door, followed by a > voice Sakura hazily thought she recognized: GAVOK : HOO-HOO-HEH-HEH-HEH! > "Back away from the girl right now and I won't hurt you." > Tramping feet, defiant sounds. TBS : Do you defy me, sounds? I am the ruler of Planet Houston! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! > Sakura dragged herself to her > elbows and knees and tried to open her eyes. > "Fine, have it your way." TBS: They're being attacked by Burger King employees? > As a strange coughing sound reached Sakura's ears, her eyes opened. ARL: Ukyo was there, and kicking ass. > She focused dimly on the sidewalk, then looked up in time to > see Shorty sprawl on his back, a two-by-four with its end oddly > splintered clattering from his slack hands. A few feet away, MegaZone > was standing halfway out of the door of a black Suburban pulled up > onto the curb, a gun with what looked like a spray can on the end in > his hand. ARL: He's here to tag, bizotch! MMK : *All* street art is personal and precious! It's the physical manifestation of our discontent as young adults! GAVOK : It's okay, I guess. I mean, if you like boners. > Then the wet pavement spiraled up at Sakura as she blacked out > again. MMK : Now *we* can have our way with her! RACE: I will kill you, Howard. > MZ > While I encouraged the losers' retreat with my Glock, Ben ran > around the back of the Suburban to kneel by Sakura as she slumped to > the ground again. She didn't look good - her skin was a foreboding > shade of grey, her school uniform torn and dirty, with a spatter of > blood down the front of the tunic from the cuts on her chin. GAVOK: Sakura was becoming a woman. TBS: That's not Sakura, that's a zombie! MMK: Or Zombie Sakura. GAVOK: "The Shotoclones who Stopped Living and Became Incredibly Mixed-Up Zombies?" [MMK and TBS shrug.] > "Oh bloody hell," I muttered, unscrewing the custom-made sound suppressor ARL: So... silencer. MMK: Ayup. ARL: Why does he say these things, when he knows I must hurt him for it? > from the end of the gun and putting both away as he carried her to > the truck and laid her gently on the back seat. > I sat down on the edge of the seat and put my fingers to Sakura's > throat, MMK : Watch this. INSTANT DEATH TOUCH! GAVOK : Great. Now we have to find *more* anime booty. > looking for her carotid pulse. I found it easily, > and was relieved to find it strong and regular, like her breathing. MMK : I then moved my hand down, to see if she had any injuries under her-- [MMK barely ducks a drink thrown by RACE.] > If nothing else, she didn't seem to be in any immediate danger. Her > color was bad, though, and who knew what could result from a head > injury like that? GAVOK: I'll go with the "Dav and Dyne Saga." > Sure, Ryu and Ben and their fellow fighters make their living > knocking each other S.D.: --up. > out, [S.D. snaps her fingers.] > and there's an obvious danger involved with that. GAVOK : Necks broken; bodies bruised; careers ended in an instant... MMK : Yes, this is fight fanfiction, but the hazards are real. TBS : Whatever you do, please don't try this at home. > But at their skill level especially, they have such an intimate > knowledge of their abilities and the way their bodies work that they > can do it carefully. Any decent fighter on the circuit knows how to > take even a knockout blow with minimal damage, RACE: So, in reality, when they writhe and moan in pain while clutching their sides, that's really just "selling" the move? [The LOONS nod.] RACE: Fancy that. > and the honorable ones know how to throw a knockout blow > with care as well, oxymoronic as that sounds. ARL: So I punch you out... with love. TBS: It works in Alabama. > A common street thug with a two-by-four, on the other hand, > isn't likely to be as careful or as skilled, MMK: And they're probably not as considerate, too. > and Sakura was both inexperienced and taken by surprise. TBS: At this point the gags are helpfully writing themselves for me. ARL: You don't say. > Gryph I glanced at each other, RACE: Ah. The prequel to Gryph II. > and didn't need to elaborate on the message we exchanged with that > brief eye contact. S.D.: Ah, young love... > We were both deeply worried. TBS : We both forgot to set the VCR, didn't we? > They'd only just met the day before yesterday... for that > matter, I'd only just met her the day before yesterday myself. And > yet I was easily as worried as Ben. Neither of us even like kids. GAVOK : They're too greasy, and there's hardly enough meat on their bones. > We went straight to the maze of streets that crawl up Bancroft > Hill near WPI, ARL : ...and spent the next three hours trying to locate that damn piece of cheese that was supposed to be waiting for us. > as fast as I could safely get the Suburban to go, MMK : ...unfortunately, Gryphon drove like a near-sighted grandmother. GAVOK : Hey! It's called "defensive driving"! > then pulled up at a familiar house. As I entered the house's foyer RACE : ...the doors closed behind us with an ominous yell. "Go check around that way," Gryphon said, shortly before becoming zombie fodder... > (Gryphon behind me, cradling Sakura in his arms like a big rag doll), S.D.: ...which it actually was. ARL: They had to resort to low budget special effects because Ryu's contract was expensive. > the jangling bell on the door summoned Dr. Joachim Mueller from the > back of the house. As he entered the foyer, he recognized us > immediately, TBS : I already *buy* from Amway, you pesky fucks! > and took in the sight of the three of us impassively. > Dr. Mueller has known Gryph and I long enough to take this kind of > thing in stride. S.D. : Yeah, yeah, *another* underage pregnancy, whoop dee do. I can't leave you two anywhere. > "Well, well," he murmured, patting his large hands together. > "You find the most interesting things for old Doctor Mueller to > handle, don't you?" [MMK and S.D. snicker. RACE growls.] > Tall, white-haired, and patrician, TBS: With a little terrier called Wuffles... > Dr. Mueller is from Germany, and it still echoes in his English > today. MMK: [suddenly wearing a Colonel Klink costume] Vell, shouldn't he be speakink like this? GAVOK: He didn't take Stereotypical German Acting 101 in high school, unfortunately. MMK: [abruptly normal] Ah! > He left Germany as a young medical student in the late 1930s, just > before Hitler plunged the nation into the insanity that was the > Second World War. ARL: And, immigration acts being what they were at the time, he had nowhere to go but the South Pole for thirty years. > Now in his late seventies, he was mostly retired, but as an old friend > of my family's, he still came out from time to time TBS : I'm a septuagenarian doctor from Germany and I am gay. S.D. : We know. > to patch me or Gryph up after our less than reportable injuries. RACE: ...or when they run out of cash and insurance for the hospital. > I trusted his skills and his discretion implicitly. ARL: Translation: Allies 2. > "Well, what's the story with this one?" S.D: Oh yeah. Discreet like a hand grenade. > he asked as he led us to the guest bedroom RACE : "Bomp-chicka-wow-wow"ing all the way there. GAVOK : Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggety-*goo*! > he used as an exam room for his infrequent visitors ARL: And as a storage room for extra ammunition in case them zombies attack again. GAVOK: It also doubles as a paintball arena during Fourth of July mock battles! MMK: And a hemp rope factory in the summer! TBS: Sometimes, it's used by the local backyard wrestling federation! GAVOK: Of course, the head booker and heavyweight champion of said federation is -- FURY! LOONS: YAY FURY! > and gestured for Gryph to put Sakura down on the bed. GAVOK : Heh. Heh. Alllll-right. > Gryph and I between us told him as much of the story as we knew. MMK : Okay, sto-- [He is drowned out by the audible grinding of ARL's teeth.] > Dr. Mueller raised an eyebrow when we got to the part about Gryph's > ill-fated call to Sakura's father, RACE : You *didn't* *use* 1-800-COLLECT? > but he said only, "Mmm, your day is > just beginning to get complicated, then," as he bent over the guest bed. > "Pulse is good... breathing is strong. MMK : Muscle tone good. S.D. : Breasts are firm and perky. TBS : Lips need lip gloss. [RACE's Jujubees go everywhere as the others giggle.] > Hello? Young lady, can you hear > me?" He took a penlight out of his pocket, gently pried open one of > Sakura's eyes, [TBS makes a creaking noise.] > and shone the light in. MMK : In the end, the thing that keeps me walkin' is your shine... GAVOK : AUGH! PHOTONS! The sun is way too loud today! > She blinked, flinched, and then settled slowly into the > mattress and pillows with a long, descending groan. ARL : ...as the La Brea Mattress claimed another victim. > "Pupil reaction is good," mused Dr. Mueller to himself as he > returned the pen to his pocket. "How do you feel, young lady?" TBS : Like chicken tonight. GAVOK : Like chicken tonight? TBS : Like chicken tonight. > "Like a Texaco tank truck ran over me," Sakura replied > weakly, "backed up, and ran over me again." [A pause.] RACE : Texaco has tanks? Oh, shit. > "Well, you remember your English, that's a good sign," Mueller > replied. "Whenever I get clonked on the head, first thing I do, I > start speaking in German again." GAVOK: Me too. ARL: Gavok, you don't *know* any German. GAVOK: Sure I do! Watch. [GAVOK smacks himself in the head with a steel chair.] GAVOK: Mein luftkissenfahrzeug ist von den aalen voll. > "If I was speaking German," Sakura said with a wan smile, "I'd > really be in trouble." MMK: Well, she knows a *little* German... and as a matter of fact, I know a little German, too! S.D.: Really. MMK: Yup. He's sitting right over there. [MMK points to TBS, dressed in leiderhosen.] TBS: Guten tag! S.D.: ... > "Well, let's look at your head, now. Sit up, but slowly, or > you'll make yourself sick." > Obediently, Sakura sat gingerly up so Mueller could look at TBS: Too easy. RACE: [Puts away some spatulas] Good. > the back of her head. ARL : Holy shit! S.D. : What? ARL : Uh, nothing. > He gently moved the blood-matted hair out of the way with one > hand and used the other to wield the penlight again. [GAVOK makes lightsaber noises.] > "Mmm... broken skin and a bit of bleeding, but the scalp is fine, > and you've got a good strong skull, young lady. TBS : Just to make sure, I'm prescribing a few test headbutts. > If there were anything seriously wrong, I doubt > I would have been able to wake you by simply > shining a light in your eye. TBS : I suggest you give her a caning. MMK : I don't see how beating her about the legs with a stick would help. > All right, lie back. Are you hurt anywhere else?" S.D., MMK: PORN TRIGGER! RACE: Cut that the hell out! > "Right now I hurt all over," she said, leaning her head gently > back against the pillow. TBS : Then let me kiss your booboo. > "How does your head feel?" RACE : Round? > She considered, then reported with a slightly surprised tone, S.D. : I actually *can't* feel it, any more. ARL : I see. S.D. : Is that bad? ARL : No, should be fine. S.D. : Well, okay. > "No worse than the rest of me, really." > "Also a good sign," said Mueller with a smile. "Well, I don't > think you've suffered any permanent harm." He turned to me. "Keep an > eye on her for the rest of today. Don't let her go to sleep until you > turn in tonight, and only a light dinner is in order. ARL : ...but don't feed her after midnight, all right? > If she gets overwhelmingly drowsy, passes out, or becomes > incoherent, TBS : She is *not*... "coming on to you," as I believe you have put it. > call me and we'll get her over to UMassMed for some X rays. S.D. : And if she starts singing the blues? GAVOK : I'll keep the paddy wagon running just in case. > I'll also leave cleaning her up to you - I presume you have > the medical knowledge necessary to clean a few cuts, ja?" MMK : Right. Sponge bath. > I nodded, his good humor making me grin. TBS : Boy, that laughter, it really *is* the best med-- RACE : Oh, just shut the hell up already. > "Thanks, Doctor." > He waved. "Don't mention it. It's all part of the service." ARL : Service, service! > Snapping his bag shut, he turned to Sakura again. "Now you be good > and follow my instructions, and you'll feel much better in the > morning. TBS : You'll be pining over these two in no time! RACE: I hate you. TBS: Look, the fic is just *giving* me these things. MMK : The pain will fade as time goes by... what was taken I won't miss, or I'll replace... never mind me, I'm all right... > All right?" > She nodded, kind of a lying-down bow. ARL: So, a sit-up. MMK: Yeah, these personal trainers will say crazy things to get each other to do one more sit-up, one more crunch. ARL: Right. MMK: That's what makes it extreme. ARL: Just... quiet. > "I will. Thank you." > Gryph and I helped Sakura out to the Suburban for the trip > back down the hill. She was a little unsteady, but her strength was > returning fast, and she was getting her color back, too, by the time > we got home a few minutes later. I felt a powerful urge to clean my > gun. TBS: God, at least wait until you're alone! > It's a habit of mine, when I'm upset and don't have anyone to > vent it on. Gryph doesn't think I know I do it; the truth is, I do it > so I won't be able to do anything else with the gun. S.D. : Not like you normally do anything with your gun other than "clean" it... > While keeping an eye on Sakura in the living room, Gryph and I > went to the kitchen to heat up some soup. > "Well, now what the hell do we do?" Gryph wondered. GAVOK : Put it in the microwave and press ON, you dummy. MMK : How to Kill People With Microwave Ovens: A Beginner's Guide. > "I have no idea," I replied. I paused before putting the > soup into the saucepan I had prepared. MMK : First, put someone in a microwave. Then, turn it on. GAVOK : But they wouldn't fit. MMK : Oh. >"She could stay here for a > while, but... " > Gryph nodded. "But she doesn't want to." MMK : But if it was a very *big* microwave... GAVOK : No. MMK : Or a very little person... GAVOK : No. > I sighed, dumping the soup into the pan and using a wooden spoon > to scrape out the few noodles stuck to the inside of the can. "Right," > I replied. "After all, Ryu's her hero, not us," ARL: But, by God, it won't stop them from re-writing her entirely! RACE: Yeah, just look at Shingo in Ultra. [ARL shudders.] > I added, handing Gryph > the can to be rinsed and put by the trash. I'm fond of this whole > recycling thing, although Gryph thinks the stuff all gets thrown in a > big hole together after it's trucked away anyway. ARL: Thank you for that irrelevant aside. > "And just because > she's welcome doesn't mean she'll stay. We saw proof of that this > afternoon." > "She's got talent," Gryph observed. "We were pretty far away > when the fight started, but I'm pretty sure I saw her throw a hadoken > at one of them." TBS : Then again, I did just get in a car with *you*, Smokey McBurnone. > I looked hard at Ben. "She's had how much formal training?" > "None, as far as I know, unless you count Ryu's two-minute > explanation-in-layman's-terms of the technique last month." > I blinked. "Wow. She's got a -lot- of talent." ARL: Okay, so let me get this straight: A fifteen-year old girl with no formal training - just watching some guy fight - manages to effectively emulate the Shotokan style and fight on a level that most people rarely reach at her age, even *with* formal training. RACE: Are you complaining? ARL: No, I'm just saying it's a little weird, is all. I mean, if she's like this now, then in a few years she should be able to take out most of the other, well-trained Street Fighters without much trouble. This is way beyond prodigy; it's closer to contrivance. No offense, Race. RACE: None taken. ARL: But I mean, she's got this incredible - and potentially soul consuming - drive to succeed and be the best, I figure eventually the Satsui no Hadou is going to kick in, and considering how badly she wants to fight and *win*, she's probably going to go over to the Dark Side. No offense again, Race. RACE: None taken. S.D.: So there could be a teenaged Little Miss Akuma running around in the near future? ARL: Possibly, although Capcom mostly joked about it with Dark Sakura. [pauses] Although if this took place in '94, then technically it would be an early twenties master of the Dark Hadou. Well, whatever. GAVOK: What would an evil twenty-something Sakura wear, anyway? TBS: The same thing as every other twenty-something female villain: lots and lots of leather. MMK: Or very little leather. [Meanwhile, RACE struggles to stem the flow of blood from his nose with a handful of tissues.] > "And she's a good kid," Gryph went on, nodding. "A little > narrow-focused, but... well... I'll have to talk with her about that. > She reminds me of Chun Li - " S.D. : *Total* doujin bait. > "I was just about to say that, yeah - " > "Before her father died and she got all grim and > revenge-and-justice -" > "Yeah. Hopefully what happened to her today will open her eyes > and make her realize that street fighting isn't a game." ARL: Irony? Yeah, we got that. > "If she has enough dedication to work out the hadoken on her > own, she's serious enough to stick with it regardless," Gryph said, a > warning note in his voice. > I nodded. "All the better... but she'll need training. > Unfocused, that talent could become a danger to everyone... and in the > wrong hands, she could become something truly terrifying." ARL : Go! To! Hell! [pauses] Come to think of it, a twenty-something Evil Sakura *would* be kind of cool... MMK: A twenty-something Evil Sakura wearing practically nothing, you mean. [RACE passes out. MMK and GAVOK glance over at him.] GAVOK: Man, that's a lot of blood. MMK: It looks like a Dusty Rhodes - Terry Funk match happened in here. > Our eyes met, and Ben knew exactly whose hands I was talking about. TBS , S.D. : Jean-Luc! > Ryu had fallen into those same hands once, before either of > them was a World Warrior, and "truly terrifying" is a good > description of what he had become, for a time. GAVOK: Mutton chops and a mullet. Scary times, man. > "Ryu won't change his mind," Gryph said. "You know how he > is." MMK : Ryu, it's over. Nobody makes 3DO games anymore. GAVOK : I'm not hearing this! Lalalalala! > He blew a breath out, puffing his cheeks. TBS: I have a very vivid mental picture right now of Calvin drinking milk. > "All right, look, why don't we do it like this. I'll get Rose > to come down and look after her tomorrow. TBS : So get that crotchless Nurse uniform dry-cleaned. [RACE idly backhands TBS.] TBS: Bully. > We can push the timetable on the Area 51 thing up, get > it out of the way. Once we're back home, I can sit down and figure > out what the hell I'm going to do with her." MMK: Sell her for parts. > "-We- can figure out what -we're- going to do," I corrected. [RACE stares, then sobs.] TBS: Porn can change a man. GAVOK: It really can. [RACE hiccups.] > "Her father didn't make her your responsibility," said Gryph. > "I don't want to drag you into the mess too... " GAVOK: That's exactly what Scorpion does to his dog when it goes on the rug. > "You're helping me out with this thing for Meg, aren't you?" ARL : Is ALWAYS the woman with you, isn't it? > I shrugged. "We're partners. Your problems are my problems." MMK : So that means you're going to use me, right? As your partner. ARL : I'll use you when it's necessary. Putting aside whether you're my partner or not. S.D.: Oh, uh, "life partners". RACE: Why must you toss around so *much* gay? > He smiled. "Thanks. Have you got the cover story in place > for the sneak yet?" GAVOK : Come here, The Sneak! I just gave that fellow what for! TBS: I have a feeling this is going to take a while. > "Well, I -think- I've got it. DARPA has requested Sky Dancer > and its contents for transfer to an undisclosed research project. [MMK folds a scarf around his head. GAVOK pulls himself into his hat, and TBS dumps a popcorn bucket over his head. They start snoring.] ARL: Yeah, it *is* hard to keep a good legal story interesting. S.D.: And that's with a *good* one. > If anyone digs into it, it looks like it's under the auspicies of the > CIA. The CIA will pawn it off on NASA for administration. TBS: And NASA will trade it to Mossad for one of those KEEN Kfir jets. > NASA says > no, that project was transferred, now being run by the NSA and they > don't have any need to know where it is. RACE: I parsed that as NRA for a second. S.D: That wasn't funny and you know it. [RACE sighs.] > If they manage to get the NSA to admit to anything, they thought > the Air Force had it at Area 51 but had unmothballed it and was > using it for research. MMK: Aw, that's fancy talk for "taking it for joyrides and scaring the Midwest farmers." > The Air Force, of course, says no, it was > taken for a research project. RACE: 'Research' is also fancy talk, for 'crash it until it stops bouncing.' > "Now, either they loop around again, or they find the second > level of misdirection. TBS : Please note that at no time do my fingers leave my hands. > Seems the Royal Navy wanted to test its > submersible capabilities. MMK : It sinks underground and takes you to South Figaro. > But if you ask them, they don't know > anything about it, but they've heard MI-5 is up to something with it. ARL: Isn't MI-5 part of a completely different country? S.D.: In the Hutchinsverse, all secret organizations are just one big boys' club. > MI-5 has absolutely nothing to do with it, you must be > thinking of MI-6. RACE: And the MI-6 takes you to the M-4, but get off before you hit Hampshire and take the first left... ARL: You don't know jack about English highways, right? RACE: Ssh! You'll blow my cover! > MI-6 sure doesn't have it, but the Royal Air Force and SAS have > been testing something. Maybe you should check with them. The SAS > will tell you to bugger off, S.D.: And then, after dark, quietly assassinate you. They're good like that. > but the RAF thinks the Royal Navy is using it as a technology > demonstrator for an SBS project. No, been there? S.D.: And done that, I hear. [TBS lifts the popcorn bucket over his eyes.] TBS: I have the t-shirt if you want to see it. ARL: No, that's fine. [TBS lowers the bucket back over his head.] TBS : Suit yourself. > Sorry chap, don't know. > "OK, so that's a dead end. TBS : That's a house! And that's a BEE! > Back to Area 51 to try again. If they dig -really- deep > they'll find an indication that it went back to > the manufacturer. ALL: Acme. > Of course, Lockheed hasn't had it since it left the > Works. [GAVOK pops his head out of The Hat] GAVOK: Force Works? MMK: That series died a long time back, 'Vok. GAVOK: Aw, dammit. > Maybe you meant the chief designer on Project Sky Dancer, > they'd heard that Mr. Hackenbacker was working on a new project. ARL : Look! It's erupting like a real volcano! > Yes, we have a business relationship with him. Sorry, we can't > give you any details. No, I don't care what clearance you have, > I know it isn't high enough. TBS [dealer]: This ain't no brickweed man, this is Mountain Kind. MMK [MC Frontalot]: For real? You got a light? > Mr. Hackenbacker guards his privacy very > jealously. Good day. GAVOK: He's also Australian. > "In light of what you set up the other day, I think I'll set > up a fourth level. RACE: That's the one for the avaricious and prodigal. TBS: Fun with boulders! > The Sky Dancer was transferred to the Quest Foundation for > an indefinite period of time, for research purposes. > As for who authorized that, well, I pity the person who'll > follow that path. GAVOK : And I shall toss this soul across a far distance. > What do you think?" [The LOONS wake up.] MMK: [stretches] Ah, sleep feels *good.* ARL: Wuss. > "I don't want to know how you set it up, but it sounds good. > As good as we're going to do anyway. How soon can we go?" S.D. : ...go? > "The sooner the better, I'd like to have it out of there > before anyone gets curious about the paper trail. But this > may just be an interesting exercise. We still haven't > heard from Meg, after all." RACE : But, eh. Probably still chasing Juppo. > "I suspect Greer'll be pissed if we put him through this for > nothing," Ben observed. S.D. : We should buy him a toaster. > "He'll get over it. He's knows what running an op is like, > things don't always come off the way you planned. Sometimes > they don't come off at all." GAVOK: You could always try club soda. > "Right. I guess there's nothing much for it at the moment, > then." S.D.: Kind of makes you wonder why they just spent so much time talking about it. > "Oh, one thing. Can you call Quest back and see if they can > shuttle us back west? TBS: Okay, I've got Gryph as the Monkey King, Sakura as Tripitaka, but who is Zoner? MMK: Pigsy, definately. Sandy never got any. GAVOK: Which makes casting Ryu a snap. Ah, fantasy casting. > I'd like to fly the Prince of Thebes out, but > we'll be flying Sky Dancer direct to Maine. I'd rather not fly > commercial back to pick up the Prince. It'd be much faster if they > can just shoot us back out." TBS: Ah, travel by cannon. Never fails. ARL : To Gaia's Navel we go! > "I don't think it'll be a problem. I'll call them up after we eat." MMK : I just have to remember not to eat the phone *again*. > "OK... this afternoon, just to cover our bets, I figured I'd > set up the fourth level of the trail. After that, I don't know. GAVOK : Yeah, like, planning stuff is *hard*, dude. Totally. > I was thinking about seeing if Meg wanted to go out for dinner or > something. It'll give me a chance to talk to her some more." ARL : I need someone else's opinion on whether or not this looks infected. > "Yeah, right." TBS : Is *always* the woman with you. You go wit' woman an' all the talk then drag into room and hump hump hump hump hump! Why that *always* with you an' women? > "Give me a break. Of course I'm interested in her. She's > funny, attractive, intelligent, and she didn't run screaming > when she met us. S.D.: ...and most girls *do*? RACE: Maybe they were trying to hit on that Centurions chick and *she* ran off screaming. > All factors in her favor." I was smirking again. It really > is involuntary. MMK : The man's basically a life support system for a smirk. WAND : Five cents per quote, James! MMK: I have a Canadian nickel if you want it. WAND : Fine, forget it. > "OK, whatever. You can borrow the car, Johnny. GAVOK : But if you Mist Finer my upholstery again, I'm going to kill you. > Be home by midnight. Have fun." > "Thanks dad," I called over my shoulder on the way to my room, > "I'll be a good boy. S.D.: This is an aspect of their relationship I hadn't considered before. [A beat.] S.D.: Kinky. RACE: Okay, okay! Enough with the gay, already! MMK: Is *always* gay with-- RACE: No talky! MMK: [dejected] Awww... > Oh, take over on this soup, would you? Thanks." > It didn't take long to arrange for the last redirection - it > is usually easier to work with the truth, or at least partial > truth, than to make things up from whole cloth. TBS: Like that time he didn't finish his project for sewing class, so he told the teacher that Fury ate it. GAVOK: And then Fury ate the teacher! TBS, GAVOK, MMK: YAY FURY! > When I returned to the kitchen Ben had just started doling the soup out. GAVOK : Hey Zoner, care for some soup? ARL : Sure, I'd-- GAVOK : NO! NO SOUP FOR YOU! > We finished putting together the light lunch and took it to > the living room. Sakura said her head was feeling much better, > and her appetite was undiminished, which was relieving. RACE: Ouch. You know you've been relegated to minor character status when they don't even let you have your own *dialogue*. > She was quieter this afternoon - it seemed clear that, between > being disowned by her father and the knock on the head, the > day so far had given her some heavy things to think about. S.D. : What if C-A-T spelled "dog"? > After lunch, I fiddled with our network for a while, but I > knew what I was doing - I'm the world's best procrastinator. MMK: Hey, I'm going to take that title away from you any *day* now, buddy. ARL: Why haven't you? MMK: Well... you know. I've been pretty busy. ARL: Ah. [GAVOK pokes MMK in the ribs.] GAVOK: Work on UVR3! MMK: I'm'a gonna! I swear! RACE: We are similar, you and I. MMK: WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE! > I was nervous about calling Meg, and I didn't want to admit it. ARL : What if she just spent the entire call yelling "WHAZZUP!" in my ear? > Aside from personal issues, how would she feel about all the > things we'd been doing? S.D : It's okay. My brother, he had some weird hobbies-- MMK : With a butterfly net. S.D : You FILTHY ANIMAL! > She never really said she wanted us to do anything, and here > we were setting things in motion already. ARL : If I wasn't omniscient, I might be worried. > I mean, I knew we could > stop them, but it was going a bit far. In my gut I felt she wouldn't > mind, ARL : Oh, you're breaking federal laws for me! How sweet! [S.D. makes gagging noises.] > but just a little doubt is enough. > After an hour or so of tweaking things that didn't need > tweaking in the first place I decided there was nothing for it but to > call her. If she wanted to go out I'd wait to tell her, I didn't want > to tell her everything on the phone. I'm much better at that kind of > thing face to face. TBS : Can we meet face to face? I'm no good on the phone. See, I have this condition... > Of course, first I had to remember what I did with that > blasted card she had written her number on. RACE : Oh, crap! I gave it to Gambit! > After silently watching > several minutes of my frantic searching, Ben picked it up from on top > of the TV and handed it to me without a word. That was good, because > it saved me from acknowledging that I had looked right at it at least > three times. At any rate, I finally dialed. She answered after a > couple of rings, but the music on her end was so loud we couldn't hear > each other. Once she turned it down below afterburner level we > managed to actually converse. > Small talk ran out after a few minutes, and I decided there was > nothing for it but to jump straight in. > "So, ah... have you thought any more about my proposal?" RACE : Yeah. You're a nice guy and all, but I don't want to ruin the friendship we have... sorry. > Ouch. Smooth as broken glass. > Her response was serious, though. "Yeah... yeah, I have. I, > uh... I talked it over with Mom and Dad. MMK : They told me to stay the hell away from a convicted pediatrist such as yourself. TBS : You mean "pederast." MMK : Yeah. That. > They've heard of you through > some contacts they still have in the State Department. You didn't tell > me you do jobs for IMF." > "Didn't know if you'd been cleared for that," I replied. TBS: I like that. The International Monetary Fund has a higher security rating than the secret services of two of the most powerful countries in the world. ARL: And what're they going to use a 'freelance spy' for in the first place? Hitting third world leaders over the head with a two by four when they can't make the payments? S.D : Hello, China? IMF calling. We're going to have to repossess the Great Wall. Look, buddy, *fuck* your wife and kids. > "I hope they haven't heard any of the really bad parts." > "No, apparently you've got a good reputation on our side. Anyway, > I've been thinking about it a lot and... well... ARL : I really did like Seven Samurai more than the Magnificent Seven. > I'd like to go ahead > with it, if you're still interested." > I grinned. "I was hoping you'd say that. How'd you like to > talk out the details over dinner?" S.D. : I don't know. Things you were hoping I would and would not say isn't a very interesting topic. > G > Groom Dry Lake Air Force Base. S.D. : I know all those words but they don't make sense together. > The United States Air Force > Advanced Technology Research and Testing Center. > Area 51. [MMK slaps his hand on top of GAVOK's hat. GAVOK buzzes.] MMK: What is a crappy arcade rail shooter? > Zoner, Meg and I sat in an idling Humvee less than a mile from > the gates of the most restricted place in the United States of America > - possibly the world. RACE : But we just weren't tall enough to ride the Cyclone Coaster 5000. > We wore freshly laundered, nicely pressed, > completely fake United States Air Force uniforms, with freshly minted, > nicely laid out, completely fake United States Air Force ID tags. If > traced, those would be connected to freshly entered, nicely formatted, > completely fake entries in the USAF personnel computers. MMK: But was it fake? > Along with long, distinguished, and completely fake service records. MMK: No, really. Was it fake? > No problem. > "Are you sure our IDs are OK?" I asked Zoner as we approached > the gates. GAVOK: The fake gates. > "Will you relax?" he replied. "We're not applying for a > -job-, we're just here to steal some stuff." GAVOK: Fake stuff. > "Of course. Silly me." He had a point, though. GAVOK: The point... that was real. > With us > coming in as visitors, the guards at the fence would assume the deep > digging had already been done by the people who issued us the IDs and > travel plans in the first place. > Or at least, that was the theory. GAVOK: The theory was fake too. > "Here we go... I hope to Christ this works," Zoner muttered as > we drove up to the gatehouse. Then, sliding down the window, he put > on his most serious military face and returned the guard's salute, as > did Meg and I. ARL : Thanks. I knew I dropped my salute somewhere back there. > Guards circled the Humvee as the man in the booth scanned our IDs. GAVOK: Their fakity fakity fake IDs. > One of them probed under the Humvee with a mirror. I reminded > myself not to grin at the one who was looking in the side window at > me. I don't think I looked nervous; in the course of adventuring with > Zoner I've gotten pretty good at covering that. S.D. : I'M NOT A SPY! Er, wait... > "Everything checks out, Major Zorn," RACE: Okay, I for one would never ever trust a man named Major Zorn. I'm more than certain that his objective is world domination. > said the guard, handing > Zoner back the passes. "Welcome to Groom Lake." TBS: Which is neither a groom or a lake. > "Thank you, Lieutenant," said Zoner, punctuating his words > with a brisk nod. The guards got out of our way and we drove onto the > base unimpeded. > "Piece of cake," said Meg. MMK : No thanks. I had a big lunch. > "Yeah, Gryph and I have gotten into and out of places a lot > more heavily guarded than this," Zoner replied. > "We have?" I asked, eyeing the sixteen-foot perimeter fence > and fortified buildings. GAVOK: Sounds to me as if Zoner was telling a fake story. ARL: Please stop. > "Oh, yeah," said Zoner. "Remember the Nonsecuadoran Embassy > in Brasilia?" S.D. : "Nonsecuadoran"? I just heard you say it and I still can't understand how it's pronounced! > I considered it. "I guess that might have been more -densely- > guarded," I allowed. > "Anyway, it's time to see if that map I pulled off the Milnet > is worth anything. Which building does it say the Bionic Six gear is > in?" MMK : Says here it was Miss Scarlet in the library with a wrench. That can't be right. > I pulled the printout from the inside pocket of my Air Force > uniform jacket, unfolded it, and perused, then chuckled. "You're > gonna love this. It's in Building 19." GAVOK : Isn't that the Clown Factory? Yay! > Zoner chuckled. "You're right, I love it," he said, making a > left-hand turn and following the numbered buildings. ARL: That's great. So what the hell does it mean? MMK: Wise man say, "obscurity is good for you!" ARL: MMK, *you* said that. MMK: Really? ARL: Yes. MMK: Well, fancy that. [He ^_^s.] > We left the Humvee parked in front of Building 10 and walked > the rest of the way, three career officers, a major and two captains, > striding purposefully in a tight triangle formation. We looked > neither right nor left. There were no soldiers walking round in this > part of the base, anyway, which was just as well, since I was half > convinced that I had NOT A REAL OFFICER painted in glowing orange > letters on my back. TBS: You do, actually. Zoner's got a weird sense of humor... > I wished, not for the first time, that we were > ripping off the Army; Air Force uniforms are made of a dreadful blue > polyester blend. I hate the way synthetic dress slacks feel, to say > nothing of the way they ride up. RACE: I really didn't need to know that... MMK : ...and my *thong*... man, that was *killing* me! It's like someone took a rope and-- RACE: SHUT! *UP!!* > Buildings 1-12 were low, gray-sided buildings, office blocks > and barracks, by the look of them. 13 on were much larger, corrugated > aluminum structures - Butler buildings, part hangar, part warehouse. > They reminded me of the decommissioned Nike missile hangars at Presque > Isle Regional Airport in northern Maine, where my aunt's common-law > husband kept his crop duster. TBS: Warrior's Legacy: all filler, no killer! > The differences were primarily matters > of scale. We didn't go all the way down to Building 19, though; our > fake orders gave us no reason to go into the super-classified section > that began at Building 15. Instead, we stopped at Building 12. The > late afternoon sun cast long shadows of the buildings and colored the > desert in bright oranges and pinks, and with no personnel in evidence > outside the buildings, the base looked deserted. > "Now what?" Meg asked Zoner quietly. > "Now," replied Zoner, "we hide and wait for dark." S.D.: Oh. They're searching for the Great Pumpkin. > There are few activities more tedious than hiding behind a > Dumpster for two hours waiting for nightfall to complete itself. TBS: I agree. Like putting your pants on *one* leg at a time. Sheesh! > After about fifteen minutes, we started getting very bored. Finally, > we seemed to reach a silent consensus, mutually said "the hell with it," RACE : I'm bored. ARL : Wanna sneak into a secured building on a top-secret military base? RACE : ...yeah, might as well. > and started looking for a way to get into Building 13, just to > see what was in there. GAVOK : The Gryph went into the building to see what he could see! MMK, TBS: HEY! GAVOK : The other side of the building was all that he could see! MMK, TBS: SO! GAVOK : The Gryph went into the building to see what he could see! MMK, TBS: HEY! GAVOK, MMK, TBS : THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING WAS ALL THAT HE COULD SEE! > We left our hiding place, the lapels of our uniform jackets > Velcroed over one another to cover the white of our shirts (an idea > Zoner got from the sniper scene in "The Living Daylights", no doubt). TBS: Or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." GAVOK: Don't be silly. They don't have *gays* in the American military. S.D.: Men in uniform are yummy. GAVOK: That's nice, honey. > A short, tension-filled scramble across the open alleyway separating > the smaller buildings from the hangars brought us to the man door at > the back corner of Building 13. [GAVOK stands on his chair and flicks open a BMW Zippo.] GAVOK : MAN DOOOOOOOOR! MAN DOOOOOOOOR! Man Door was a man! ...he was a door-man! Maybe he was just a door... but he was still MAN DOOOOOOOR! > "Hm," Zoner murmured, lifting the padlock that secured the > door in the palm of his hand and peering at it. "I'd expected a > slightly more sophisticated security system." GAVOK: You'll change your tune when that lock turns into a FIFTEEN-FOOT TALL ROBOT OF DEATH!! [A beat.] GAVOK: Or not. Locks are tricky like that. > "Don't tell me you didn't bring a lockpick." RACE : Okay. I didn't bring my... thing that opens the lock. How was that? > "Um... just my electronic lock decoder. I never thought > they'd use something this primitive... " ARL: Most likely because they didn't think that anyone would try to pull a stunt like this. > Meg sighed. "Allow me," she said, pushing Zoner gently out of > the way and delving into the lock TBS: *Kersplash*! [A beat.] S.D.: "Delving," Snot. TBS: Oh. > with the toothpick and tweezers from > a Swiss Army knife. ARL: How the hell did she get that on the plane ride over? S.D: Zoner's kind of his own Air Marshal, really. > As she worked at it, she muttered wryly, > "No-brand lock, probably cost the Defense Department sixty-five > hundred dollars. It's just as well... Master locks are a pain in > the... " > Click! TBS: I hate it when my click hurts. > "There." > "Where'd you learn to pick locks?" Zoner asked, a note of > appreciation in his voice. MMK: Check out Meg's majesty and prowess! S.D: Go, token moment of competence! > Meg shrugged. "Richard Feynman's autobiography," she replied, > handing him the padlock and pushing the door open. "I'm hell on > safes, too." S.D. : And I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. ARL: I was almost sure that there was going to be a reference to Jill Valentine th-- WAND : You will *leave her alone*, fuckcakes! ARL: Yes, sir. [A beat.] MMK: Fuckcakes? > Zoner just stood and looked at the space where she'd been > standing for a few seconds, a disbelieving look on his face; > then he turned to me, grinned, and said, TBS : I think I finally get the ending of Mullholland Drive. GAVOK : You're a damn liar. > "I am -definitely- in love." MMK : With Eddie Vedder. > "How nice for you," I replied, stepping into the doorway > myself. "Coming in or staying out?" TBS: ...of the closet! ARL: Doesn't work, Snot. Read the line again. [TBS does so, and shakes his head sadly.] RACE: Don't worry, man. There'll be other times. TBS : I know, I know... > The interior of Building 13 was a dimly-lit confusion of > cardboard boxes, wooden crates, and mysterious shapes underneath > tarpaulins. S.D.: Ah yes, rooms full of crates. Reminds me of a first-person shooter... ARL: Which one? S.D. : *All* of them. > None of it was all that interesting, though; most of it > seemed to be files, which might reveal the secrets of the universe or > the identities of the conspirators who really control the world, but > were more likely to be commissary reports from 1974. ARL : Ah! So it was *you* who stole the cookie from the cookie jar! > We kept moving > down the line, hopping surreptitiously from building to building. S.D.: ...dodging falling pillars, jumping over boiling lava... > Building 14 was more of the same. ARL: Damn lazy level design. > We expected when we got to Building 15, where we'd heard the > super-highly-classified section of the warehousing area began, MMK : We heard it from that nosy bitch across the street. RACE : And my barber, who had been here before. > we would be confronted with an elaborate and sophisticated security > system, which we would then have to work out some way of getting > past. S.D.: Probably involving a fetch quest. GAVOK: Monkey wants the pizza! > Instead, all we found was another slightly rusty no-brand > padlock. TBS : Probably cost the government sixty-five hundred dollars. > "Y'know, for such a highly-classified facility, there really > isn't much security here at all," I mused as we slipped into > Building 15. RACE: This must be happening around the holidays. > "Yeah," Meg agreed. "I was expecting all kinds of brightly > lit tile corridors, power doors, guards in servo armor... GAVOK : Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island! And going on to bomb Ontario! > all the > stuff we used to have in the really secure parts of OSI bases. TBS : OSI's locked up tighter than a chastity belt, lemme tell you... [S.D. idly backhands TBS.] TBS: Ow! Quit it! > This is just... like a regular Air Force base's junk storage." ARL: Possibly because Area 51 *is* the Air Force's junk storage. Just because it's top secret and in the middle of nowhere doesn't mean it contains the secrets of the universe. RACE: So where would the government stash all their top-secret devices? TBS: A rest stop outside of Duluth, behind the counter of the Dairy Queen. [ALL turn to look at TBS.] TBS: It's the last place anyone would look. [They think for a moment, then nod in agreement.] S.D.: Oh, good. Now we're all dead. > "Maybe they don't think anybody would ever get this far," said > Zoner. "Or maybe there's just nothing interesting here..." ARL : They have Jimmy Hoffa encased in carbonite. RACE : My point exactly! > "I always figured all the good stuff was at Wright-Patterson > anyway," Meg replied. > "You'd think if this -was- hyper-classified national-security > stuff, they'd at least file it a little bit more coherently," > I said, ARL: No, see, if they filed it in a haphazard fashion, people sneaking around won't find anything, right? S.D.: It's all a trap. > crouching and squinting at the label on a crate. "Lot Number > 19473... " I moved to the next one over. "... Lot Number 4921. > Yeah. This is organized." > Zoner tried the top of Lot Number 19473; it was hinged - the > crate was more like a box - and he had no trouble opening it and > peering inside. GAVOK: Unfortunately, it turned out the box was a Mimic and it ate him. > "Hmm. Bunch of advanced-looking rifles. Wonder if they'd > notice if I took one... " MMK: The rifles? Yeah, I think they would. > We scattered around the hangar, opening crates, poking and > prodding at stuff, GAVOK : It's a lot like the time aliens abducted me. > and having a general ill-advised good old time acting like kids > at an antique market, calling out our findings to each other. RACE : Dead alien! GAVOK : Massdriver! TBS : Car that runs on water! RACE : Another dead alien! GAVOK : Dalek! TBS : Grisly remains of Madeline Murray O'Hare! RACE : *Another* dead alien! GAVOK : Adolf Hitler! TBS, RACE: ...what? ARL : Ach! Gott in Himmel! Vhy the schtupid Amerikanskis not put der Fuhrer in crate mit *airholes*, ja? > "Hey," said Meg, reaching into a small box and coming out with > a gleaming item. "You guys know what this is?" MMK: It's Kim Kaphwan's jaw. Put it back. > I took my mini-MagLite out of my pocket and shined it at the > item. ARL : It's just another mini-MagLite. Big freaking deal. > It was a golden medallion about five inches across, with an > off-center hole bearing an amber crystal. > "Headpiece to the Staff of Ra," I said. RACE: Associated with the Headpiece to the Staff of Shish-boom-ba. > Meg regarded it curiously. "Are you sure? It looks kind of > like a Valley of Shadows medallion, S.D. : I saw one just like it in Walmart. Only $49.95. > except for the markings... " > "Ark of the Covenant," said Zoner from halfway inside a large > crate across the way. RACE : HEY, I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT. > "Nope, it's the headpiece to the Staff of Ra," GAVOK: The Everliving! > I said. > "Oh," said Meg, putting it back. MMK : I vus vantink dat! GAVOK : Get back in the crate, Hitler! MMK : Awwww...scheissekopf. > The first crate I tried myself was something of an > anti-climax; MMK: Must be a copy of the Fifth Element. > though quite large, it was almost empty, and what was in > it was a disappointingly pedestrian item. [GAVOK rummages inside his hat and pulls out a "No Crossing" street sign.] > "Oh, whoop-de-do, a > Mannlicher-Carcano rifle. How exciting." [MMK rummages in his sleeves, looking for something.] MMK : Where is that damn... ah, here we go! [He proudly produces a chia pet shaped like a tall man-shaped jackal and holds it in the air.] ARL: What the hell is that? MMK: It's the... GRASSY GNOLL! [ALL groan] > From behind me stereo voices chimed in "Lee Harvey Oswald - > huh?!" Turning, I found Meg and Zoner, S.D. : Wait, how can you be there, and... [turns and points to her back] there!? ARL : Just a little problem with the temporal gland, I'd wager. > separated by about twenty feet, holding open crates which > were brimming with what appeared to be fog. ARL: That fog is top secret, damn it! GAVOK: It's either John Carpenter's prop closet or Busta Rhymes's tour bus. Either way... > Zoner looked at the side of his crate. "Lot 1138-A." > Meg checked hers. "Lot 1138-C." > "What happened to B?" S.D. : Just kidding! > A quick search of the area failed to turn up Lot 1138-B. So, > with a collective shrug, we moved on. TBS: See! A collective shrug! This *is* a Communist plot! MMK : Waaaaaandy, Gryphon's being more obscure than us! GAVOK: Yeah! WAND : Deal with it. [MMK and GAVOK pout.] > "Hey," Zoner's voice called out from some distant corner, > "Hitler's brain!" MMK : Dracula's fang! GAVOK : Bart's shorts! TBS : Shatner's toupee! ARL : Voltron's sword! S.D. : Pandora's box! RACE : Great Ceasar's ghost! MMK : Marco! GAVOK : Polo! > Shortly thereafter I had opportunity to add, "Here's the rest > of him... " GAVOK : Mmmm... smells like fresh Nazi corpse. MMK : Ooh...light-headed... ALL: BACK IN THE CRATE, HITLER! > "Ewww!" Meg remarked. "Hey, does anyone know what 'Aruchot' > means?" > Meg was holding an ancient, dusty book with a plastic embosser > label bearing this single word affixed to the cover. S.D.: Um... "meals"? TBS: IT'S A COOKBOOK!! A COOKBOOK!! THEY'VE COME TO SERVE MAN!! S.D.: It's Hebrew, Snot. TBS: Oh. Never mind. > "No idea," Zoner remarked. I shrugged. TBS: Wait, she said "Pandora's box." [starts giggling] [S.D. backhands TBS.] TBS: Ow. > After long moments of finding nothing but file folders and > outdated manuals, Zoner called Meg and me over. > "Hey, you guys have -got- to see this." RACE : It's this awesome show about a samurai who's tossed into the future and has to beat up this evil demon guy to get back. It's pretty sweet. > Inside a large crate, packed in straw, was a slab of obviously > ancient sandstone. Clearly visible in the center of the stone was the > imprint of a large, three-toed, reptilian foot. Just off to one side > was another imprint, clearly that of a running shoe. MMK : Aeris running shoes! We're always running... from something! > "I'd love to know the story behind this one." > "So would I," Meg commented. GAVOK: It's obvious. Quan Chi killed Reptile. Duh. > "I bet it ends with someone getting sacked," I observed. "Or worse." > > MZ > The anachronistic fossil was quite intriguing, but I doubted > we'd ever figure out the story behind it. We went back to our > haphazard exploring. I quickly discovered a crate of paperback novels > entitled "Catch 23". I pocketed one for later reading. ARL: But, he didn't take a copy of "Steal This Book." Ironic. > Meg discovered a crate labeled "Lot 49" - I advised her not to open it, > just in case. Most intriguing was the crate labled "Lot 31416 Grails, > Holy" (one of the few crates to be labeled with anything other than a > lot number). Inside was a fairly standard moving pack full of what > appeared to be about a dozen Holy Grails, all alike. RACE : Hey Gryph, we need a Holy Grail? TBS : No, we've already got one, you know. RACE : Excuse me? S.D. : He said he's already got one! ARL: He probably *does*. MMK: Fury found it during one of his many epic journeys! LOONS: YAY! FURY! > "Uh, hey guys?" Ben's voice summoned us over. > "What's up?" > He gestured into the open end of the large crate he was > standing before. Inside was a bed, a chemical toilet, a chair, a > large stack of MREs, a water cooler, and a bank of computers. > The bed looked recently slept in. > "Who do you think lives here?" Ben asked. MMK: Ben Stein. > "I have no idea. But I doubt they're sanctioned by the base > commander." RACE: CATS? > "Well, maybe we should leave their stuff alone then," Meg > suggested. > "Good idea." > Ben resealed the crate and we continued poking around. I > checked my watch, amazingly an hour had gone by already. Exploring an > old warehouse full of weird stuff made time go by a lot faster than > crouching behind a dumpster. Of course, it also raised the > possibility that we'd be caught (or worse), but that's life. ARL : Sure, I could end up getting thrown into a maximum security prison for the rest of my life, but I'll just get out of it with my amazing powers of SMARM! S.D.: Lets see how well his smarm works when he's biting pillows in D Block with his new "friend" Rufus... > I spent some time reconnoitering without finding anything of > note, then I noticed a cool breeze coming from a large crate. I had > to pry the front open, allowing clouds of billowing vapor to roll out > across the floor. Inside was a large metal door with a display in the > middle. Scraping away the frost I could just make out what it said. > "Hey Ben! I don't know what this is, but this display says 0.001 > Kelvins!" > "Whoa! Put it back, someone is saving it!" > Seeing as I'd left my thermal undies back in Massachusetts, I > decided not to follow the fabled feline, and resealed the crate. > Suddenly, the warehouse was filled with the sound of wind > howling through a yawning emptiness. A breeze plucked at my > clothing. Wandering around the corner toward the noise, I found Meg > staring blankly into an open crate, into which loose debris from the > surrounding area was being sucked. As I watched, her uniform cap was > sucked in as well. RACE: Now let's go, shirt! > This was all quite fascinating, as the crate was > about the size of a refrigerator box and stood clearly alone, some > distance from the nearest wall. > "Um, Meg, what's in there?" ARL : A plot hole. RACE : Huh. I'm suprised it isn't bigger... > "nothing," she replied, her voice flat. > "You mean it's empty?" S.D.: It can't be. It has her hat. > "no... it's nothing." > "Ah, staring into the abyss and all that. Well," I said, > edging over to her, "why don't we just close that little box up then, > shall we?" > "ok." > Quite deliberately -not- looking into the crate, I swung the > lid closed. It got about halfway there before being grabbed by the > wind and sucked shut with a jarring BANG, the latches falling into > place automatically as it closed. Meg continued to stare blankly for > just long enough for me to start to worry, before blinking and > staggering back slightly. "Whoa, what was I doing? Hey, what's in > this crate?" She reached for the latch. > Quickly moving to block I replied. "Oh, it's nothing. Just > an empty box. Why don't you check out one of those?" > "Uh... OK." She moved off in another direction, shaking her head. > While I stood their pondering the purpose of a box full of empty, GAVOK: It makes a great conversation piece. "Hey, what's in that box?" "Absolutely nothing!" MMK: Ohh, so *that* was the prize on Wheel of Fish. S.D.: It would make a great place to hide bodies, too. ARL: Shady? S.D.: I'm just *saying*... > I was interrupted by a cry of "Hey, neat!" from Ben. I found > him holding a colorfully decorated tiki mask, complete with feather > fringe. > "What's with the mask?" > "I don't know, but isn't it cool? I think it would look great > on the wall in the den." > "Look, the thing is probably cursed, or something. I don't > think we need to be hanging anything we find here on our walls. MMK : Remember what happened when the Brady Bunch tried it. > I just pulled Meg away from a box full of /dev/null. I'm wary of > bringing this stuff home." > "Oh, but..." > "Fine. I have my curse, you can have your curse. Enjoy." MMK : Fuck. GAVOK : Shit. > Anyway, my curse looked a lot better than the mask, nice though it > was. RACE: I know I'm going to regret this but... what's his curse? MMK: Well, he fell into a spring while on a mission in China, and-- RACE: Stop. > "Hey Zoner - what the hell's Wumpa Fruit?" he wondered, > examining the crate next to the one where he'd found the tiki mask. > I just scowled. > "Ok, just asking." > We had barely scratched the surface of the warehouse > contents. The place seemed much larger from the inside than it did > from the outside, with long rows of crates in a bewildering range of > sizes. I had just happened upon one large crate marked Props, Apollo > 11, Misc" TBS: But the space shuttle couldn't use props; there's no air in space, so it can't-- ARL: Snot? TBS: Yeah? [ARL sighs.] ARL: Never mind. > when Meg called out from near the door: > "Hey guys, it's dark." RACE : Somebody's been sleeping in my bed! > Well, maybe I'd come back someday to check out the rest of > this place. But right now it was time to go. ALL : And now it's time to say goodbye to both our fanfic stars! G-R-Y! GAVOK: "Y" ask why? ALL : F-O-N! GAVOK: "N"yone notice we spelled it wrong? ALL : Z-O-N-E-R! > G > Building 19 was a fairly long hike [MMK and GAVOK stand up and start jogging around the theater.] MMK , GAVOK : Hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike... > down the dusty tarmac, and > if we had tried it in daylight, even discounting the detection aspect, > we'd have been sweating like pigs. As it was, we kept up a brisk > walking pace that kept the chill off, and had a pleasant evening > stroll, S.D.: Awww... how romantic. RACE : I'm a self-important Godboy who enjoys long walks along dusty tarmacs in the dead of the night... > if you disregard the nerve-shattering tension. ARL : We're going to miss "Sanford and Son"! > It took us half an hour to reach the man door at the back of Building 19, GAVOK : Make a belch and turn the knob! Open it and be a slob! Iiiiiiiit's the Man Door! > and a minute ten for Meg to pick the cheap padlock in the dark. > The hangar was dimly lit and smelled of dust, metal and stale > kerosene, MMK: Simon and Garfunkel were going to sing a song about it, but "rosemary" sounded better. > and though it was enormous, it was entirely dominated by a > single item. GAVOK: Leonardo DiCaprio's disembodied head. ALL: Ooooooh! > Unlike Zoner, I had never heard of the Bionic Six before > meeting Meg. Living a sheltered life in the woods of Maine, RACE: --raised by wild monkeys-- > not often watching the news, isolated from all but the most pervasive > marketing efforts (hey, we missed 'Robotech', too), I'd never seen a > picture of Sky Dancer, which, I think, made seeing the real aircraft > there in front of me all the more impressive. ARL : Hold me closer, Sky Dancer. > It rather resembled a Concorde SST, though a bit blockier. I > don't know how big a Concorde is, so I couldn't make a guess as to > relative scale - I'm lousy at judging that kind of thing by eye > anyway. It was, anyway, a big plane, longer than the Prince of > Thebes, although with faster and less spacious lines. We did a slow > walkaround, silently taking in the aircraft's graceful, sweeping > lines, S.D.: This is written like erotica for gadget hounds. > while Zoner's practiced eye examined the control surfaces and > the ship in general for airworthiness. At length, after a complete > lap around the plane, we stopped underneath the rather tall landing > gear, near the nose. [ARL smiles and gives a big "a-okay" hand sign.] ARL : It stinks. > "Think you can get the belly ramp open?" Zoner asked Meg. > "If they didn't change the security codes, I should be able > to," she replied. She pushed back the sleeve of her uniform jacket - > that wrist computer was back - and tapped a couple of keys. Then she > frowned thoughtfully at the display for a moment, brightened, and > tapped a few more. S.D. : It erased my FreeCell scores. > Sky Dancer thought about it for a moment, and then the ramp > began to descend. Zoner grinned, took off his uniform jacket, > loosened his tie, and started up the ramp with Meg right after him. I > followed, and stood near the back of the flight deck as Zoner strapped > himself into the pilot's seat and Meg took co-pilot. I wasn't miffed; > she knew the aircraft a hell of a lot better than me or Zoner, so the > seating arrangement made sense. ARL: So why in hell didn't Meg take the pilot's seat? > I busied myself by finding a storage > locker and tucking my tiki mask into it. MMK: Tucking the tiki? Hey, that sounds pretty cool! Say it with me, Shady! Tucking the *tiki*! S.D.: ...leave me out of your twisted mind games. > She gave him a quick run-down of the controls as she > remembered them, MMK : The controls are simple. Left goes right and right goes left. > and Zoner's instincts took care of the rest. > "This is a good instrument layout," he remarked. RACE : We're sure to win the Battle of the Bands now! > "Very intuitive, everything's well-marked and easy to reach. > Ahead of its time." GAVOK : What's this? "If found, please return to Balthasar?" > "Everything about us was ahead of its time," Meg replied, a > bit wistfully. GAVOK : In fact, I'm having a third breast built in next week. > Zoner called up a full diagnostic on the center video display > unit. "Looks like they stored her ready to run. S.D.: Betcha it's fully loaded with all the weapons and fuel, too. ARL: That's just so you won't have to worry about picking up any fuel crates immediately after lift-off. > Good, I was half afraid they'd have formally mothballed her." > "We didn't have a support staff," Meg explained, TBS: Daddy was impotent? > "so they built her to be self-maintaining. Automated systems keep > her ready to fly under pretty much any conditions." RACE: But for some reason, it won't work on May 1st. > "Amazing," said Zoner. "Howard Hughes would've loved that system." MMK: What was that about "Amazing" and "Howard"? ARL: Oh, that crazy old loner would love anything that went "beep beep beep beep"... > "I think he invented it," said Meg. "I know he was on the > project... " She looked momentarily alarmed, then sheepish. "Uh, you > weren't supposed to hear that." TBS : It's okay. I turned my ears off two minutes ago. GAVOK : Then how did you hear what she just said? TBS : What? GAVOK : How did you hear what she just said if you turned your ears off? TBS : ...what? GAVOK : IF YOU TURNED YOUR EARS OFF -- you turned your ears off, right? TBS : Right. GAVOK : Then how did you hear what she just said? TBS : ...what? > "My lips," said Zoner with a smirk, "are sealed. MMK : ...with a kiss. [waggles his eyebrows lewdly] > Guess it's > time to see if she'll start up." > "Shouldn't we open the hangar doors?" I wondered. > "Hmm... y'know, that might be a good idea," Zoner replied. ARL : ...if you're a communist! > "Yeah... I'm new at this whole aeronautics thing, but I kinda > suspected that would be a useful thing to do." ARL: God, can't he go for *five minutes* without being smarmy? TBS: No. But that's what makes him so loveable! [TBS giggles in a disturbingly high-pitched voice. ALL eye him warily.] > I went back down the > ramp and surveyed the huge door at the front of the hangar, hoping > like hell I wouldn't have to open it by hand with a chain-fall or > something equally obnoxious. S.D: Like, say, Seann Michael Scott strapped to a pulley. > But no, there was the power actuator > control, in the corner - a typical industrial-green metal box with a > green button and a red button. TBS : The red *candy*-like button! Will he hold out? Can he hold out? GAVOK : NO, I CAN'T! > I hit the green button a half-second before I noticed the > security keypad in the shadows next to it, and a howling alarm > promptly filled the hangar. GAVOK: That alarm was bitten by a werewolf, they say. > "Ahh, shit!" is a fair summation of my reaction. > I ran back up the ramp. S.D. : Then I slid back down. Damn you, Mop 'n' Glow! > "What the hell happened?" Zoner asked. GAVOK : I just shot Marvin in the face. MMK : What?! The fuck you do that for? GAVOK : I didn't mean to! I think you hit a bump or something! MMK : We didn't hit no bump, Gryphon! > "I fucked up," I replied. "The damn door control has a > security keypad next to it and I didn't see it until it > was too late." > "Shit!" RACE : Well here's another fine mess you've gotten me into. TBS : I'm sorry, Zonny. [bawls] > Zoner growled, his fingers flying over the controls. MMK : WHOOSH! > "Well, let's hope she's ready to roll in a hurry. Think you can > get that door open?" > "I'll try," I replied, and ran back to the control. RACE: A few minutes later: GAVOK : Dammit! I accidentally opened the flying monkey cages this time! MMK : *What* flying mon--sweet Jesus! > There > wasn't time to be clever with it, so I grabbed the conduit running > down the wall and into the keypad box and yanked it off. The wires > sparked a bit, S.D.: ...frying Gryphon where he stood with fifty thousand volts? > graciously identifying the live lead for me. [S.D. snaps her fingers.] ARL: Must you always wish death on those that do not amuse you? > I took it and its mate by the insulation, jammed them together, then > hit the green button again and hoped. RACE : Please let Dr. Sam Beckett find his way home! ARL: It's the "blind luck" school of bypassing security systems. > Another siren joined its voice to the first, S.D.: Oh, they haven't finished tying Zoner to the mast yet. MMK, GAVOK, TBS : Pennies, nickels, quarters, dime... come to us while there's still time! > and a red strobing light filled the hangar as the door began to open. MMK: And in walked Funk Master Sub-zero. > Still holding the leads together, I looked around the corner as the > door swung up. A few hundred yards down the flightline, I could see > headlights swerving out of the Building 9 garage, heading this way. RACE: And thus did Ben freeze in the headlights, staring...staring... > I > turned back and watched the door. Behind me, Sky Dancer's engines > rumbled to life, and her flashing marker lights and whining engines > added to the visual and aural cacophony. TBS: So there was a very big mess. GAVOK: No, that's a cacophony. TBS: Oh, then cacophony is... hey, wait a minute! > Zoner slid one of the cockpit windows back - a feature not to > be found on the Concorde, I'd guess - and hollered, "That's good, we > can clear it now!" MMK : Can you clear it now? [TBS gives the victory sign.] MMK : Good! > I let go of the leads - and to my dismay, the door started > closing again. > "Ahh, shit!" I repeated, and pushed them back together. > "What's wrong?" Zoner cried. MMK : I soiled my pants! > "The goddamn door won't stay open unless I hold the leads!" I > shouted back. "Go on, get going! I'll find my own way out!" ARL: So he's going to sneak *out* of Area 51. TBS: Yup. ARL: ...a very high-security location. TBS: Yup. ARL: ...which is currently on full alert. TBS: Yup. ARL: ...on foot. TBS: Yup. ARL: ...and you're not paying attention. TBS: Sure I am, Jak. ARL: Excuse me? TBS: I said--oh! Right. Sorry, Arly. RACE: Have you been seeing other compulsive nitpickers behind Arly's back? > "Are you sure?" he replied. > "Look, if you hang around, we'll -all- get caught, now get moving!" MMK : Besides... that's exactly as I planned it! [RACE nearly chokes on his soda. ARL blinks.] GAVOK: Retro *rules*! MMK: Yeah, it does! [MMK and GAVOK high-five.] RACE: You were waiting for another Hutchins 'fic to appear just so you could use that line, weren't you? MMK <^_^ing>: Mmmmmaybe. TBS: Just when you thought it was safe, old catchphrases from ages long past sneak up on you like an angry midget wielding a fish. [TBS nods sagely.] > He looked at me for a long second, then nodded and closed the > window. Sky Dancer's engines spooled up from a whine to a shriek, > and she eased out of her place, rolling out onto the tarmac. RACE: ...and down the greasy runway into the sea. > The second her tail was clear, I let go of the leads and ran > like hell for the other end of the hangar. GAVOK : Runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog! > There were a few crates > lying around the periphery of the space that had once held Sky Dancer, > but nothing big enough to hide among. ARL: Yeah, you'd think any old crate would do, but they want you to use the "special" one. It's annoying. > Under the howl of the alarm I > could hear the sirens of the approaching security vehicles, the squeal > of tires on tarmac as they stopped outside. The door slammed down. MMK : Dominos! > One piece of good fortune, anyway - they probably wouldn't be able to > open that one from outside now. > I looked at the door we came in through, then immediately > disregarded it. Air Police, or worse, GAVOK: *Two* Air Police! > would be coming through that > door any second now. Struggling to keep calm, I looked around for > another escape. Outside, I heard gunfire, then the roar of Sky > Dancer's engines as Zoner threw in the afterburners and took off. S.D. : Did we forget something? [MMK claps his hands to his face and screams "AAAUUUUUGGGGGGH!!!"] > It occurred to me that they probably didn't know anyone had been > left behind. GAVOK : Lousy no-good friends and their stupid bloody Rapture. > Then I spotted it - a manhole, no, more like a storm drain > grate, set in the middle of the hangar floor. S.D.: So that's how the aliens get out? > It must have been put > there to provide drainage in case aircraft were washed inside the > hangar or some such. I didn't know if it would offer an escape route, > but at the very least, if I could get it open, it represented a place > to hide. I knew there was no way it ran off base. S.D.: Well, you snuck into a military base, went through a room full of crates... you may as well try it. You've hit every other point on the first-person shooter cliche checklist. RACE: Can you imagine Gryphon hiding under a cardboard box, though? ARL: Can he *fit* in one of those? RACE: It'd be amusing though. > That only worked > in the movies, in real life they never did something as stupid as > running a drain tunnel to the outside world. GAVOK : But then I remembered, "I write this!" and teleported to Disney World. > But I figured at least it would give me a lead on the APs, and some > distance from ground zero. > I was lifting the grate out of place when the door we came in > through opened, but only one man came in. RACE : Excuse me, is this the Tendou dojo? > To my shock, it was even a man I recognized, and as he spotted me, > the same startled recognition flowered in his own eyes. GAVOK: I'm getting a "Johnny Cage's first scene in the MK movie" vibe. > Captain William F. Guile, USAF. LOONS: Hi, Bucky! > Former test pilot, now a sort of free-range security and intelligence > agent attached to the Joint Special Forces Command. Charlie Nash's best > friend - and a fellow holder of the World Warrior ranking in the World > Circuit Martial Arts Tournament Series. TBS: And part-time broom if you turn him around the right way and such. > We'd met a couple of times on the circuit, fought > once back before either of us was a World Warrior. He won. MMK : ...I let him. GAVOK : ...with both hands tied behind my back. RACE : ...while I had the German flu. > We stood there regarding each other for a few seconds, trying > to figure out what to do next; RACE : Is my fly open? TBS : Should I tell him his fly is open? > then Guile turned, leaned out of the > doorway, and told someone I couldn't see that the hangar was deserted > and that he'd secure it himself. Then he stepped back inside, closed > the door, set the inside bolt lock, cracked a sardonic grin and spoke. ARL : Okay, you hide and I'll count to ninety-nine. This is going to be so great! > What he said wasn't exactly comforting. TBS : They're making a sequel to Dude, Where's My Car. > "Well, well," he said. "You, my friend, are in serious trouble." MMK : Go to your room! > "Really." TBS : No! Not really! [ALL laugh in a completely fake manner for a few seconds, then stop abruptly.] > "Really," he replied. "I've suspected you and Zoner weren't > all some of our intel people think you are ever since I found > out you use the same style as M. Bison. GAVOK: Makes sense to me. They're both jacking off when they fight. > Tell me, was it on his orders that > you came here to steal Sky Dancer?" ARL : Man, what an adventure. Now I'm just going to walk home and--what the?! TBS : Check out my new ride, Ryu! ARL : Shit. > "Don't be an idiot," I replied scornfully. "I've never even > -met- M. Bison, and if I did I'd do my damnedest to take him down. > We're students of the same master, ARL: Which is exactly why your fighting style is so similar to Rose's and Bison's. Right. > but we're not on the same path." > "So why is it you're the one who's breached security at one of > the most tightly guarded places in the United States? S.D. : You... picked the lock... didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!? That cost the government sixty-five hundred dollars, bitch! > And by impersonating an officer, too. That's a serious offense > in and of itself." MMK : Yeah... well... Clark owns you. GAVOK : No changing the subject! > I shook my head. "This is above your level, Guile. S.D. : We're doing it in Zoner's pursuit of [NOOKIE]. [NOOKIE] rules all. > It's not your job to interfere with an operation you don't need > to know about." > "It -is- my job to enforce the security of this base," replied > Guile evenly. RACE: So he replies in the same style as the top of his hair. > "I don't care what you claim you're up to, it can't be > legitimate if it involves breaking into and out of Area 51." MMK : Okay, so Jim Marrs bet me I wouldn't. So what? > "You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Guile?" I > observed. "Must be what keeps your hair up." > "You aren't funny, bud," replied Guile, flat and humorless as > always. RACE: It's like he's *reading my mind*. > I could see the uncertainty in his eyes, though. He was > wavering... I just had to find the right key. > I sighed. "Don't be such a hardass, Guile! This thing is > way over your bushy head, and if you take me in, when the paper > chase is over the only fingers pointing anywhere will be pointing > at -you-." ARL: How, exactly? The entire thing is set up so that it winds back on itself. Ignoring that, you're *still* a civilian that impersonated an officer to sneak into a top-secret military base. > "It's my job," he repeated, firmer. > "Ahh," I replied, gesturing dismissively. "Do me a favor. > Show a fellow World Warrior some professional courtesy." > Guile snorted. "Some World Warrior. You got into the bracket > by beating up on a teenage girl." RACE: And ironically, in a few short years, Guile will get pwned by Nakoruru every time he turns around. > "You've obviously never met Cammy," I replied. "And while > we're on the subject, which of us was it that got his ass kicked > by Chun Li last month?" TBS : Oh, you wish. MMK : I sure do! [sighs dreamily] > Guile flushed angrily. "She's no girl," he said darkly. "I'm > not 100% sure she's human." > "You are -such- a paranoid," I replied. "What is she, then, a > warrior android from the Hunan Galaxy?" > "Forget it," Guile said. "I was trying to make a joke." GAVOK : Thanks for telling me. > "Oh. Y'know, it would help you get that message across if you > were to smile." > "I'm on duty," replied Guile stolidly. > "Of course." I sighed. "Look, I'm not going to just let you > take me in. I've got things to do, and they don't include spending > time in the cooler at Area 51. ARL : Take me to the Clink. > Frankly, the sooner I'm out of this desert the happier I'll be." > "You don't have any choice. You're under arrest." GAVOK : But I don't like that! I prefer "Oh! My Goddess!" [OTHERS groan.] > I rolled my eyes. "All right, fine. If you want to handle > this like we're back in fifth grade, fine." ARL : You and your "federal laws" and your "fraud" and your "breaking and entering." I'll have you know... > I took off my uniform > jacket and threw it aside, loosened my tie, rolled up my sleeves, and MMK : ...tucked my Tiki. > stepped toward Guile, settling into a ready stance. He narrowed his > eyes at me and readied himself as well. > On the occasions I'd had to watch him fight, I'd formed the > opinion that Guile's style was mainly generic Special Forces training, ARL: Because being in the Special Forces teaches you how to toss around fireballs and leap several feet into the air with flying kicks. > with a smattering of what looked like Muay Thai he'd picked up while > stationed out that way - that is to say, lots of knee and elbow > attacks, most of them cheap shots. He was faster than me, but that's > not all that uncommon. MMK : Since I'm a cube, and all. > I was pretty confident I could handle him, as > long as I stayed clear of his elbows. > He sidled toward me, fists up in a boxing guard, shoulders > rolling, and shot a jab at my face; I weaved a bit to the left and > launched a snap kick at his knees. It didn't do much damage, but it > pushed him back a little bit; undaunted, he used the extra room for a > roundhouse kick. ARL : Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuung Pooooooow! > I blocked it with a flared forearm, feinted, and > swung into a three-punch combo, left jab-right hook-left uppercut, > unloading the flare in my left fist on the uppercut. All three > landed, and Guile stumbled back a step. GAVOK: RUSH 3 Hits. > "SONIC - BOOM!" he shouted, bringing his fists across in front > of him in a sweeping crossover that threw a dazzling arc of energy > at me. S.D.: Note to self: if I ever get caught in some sort of bizarre fighting game-based world, I will *not* shout the names of attacks as I perform them. Warrior tradition be damned, it's cheesy. > Hmph. Where'd he figure out how to do -that-? ARL: Charlie. > Maybe they teach it to everybody in the Joint Forces Task Group. > I tried to jump over it, ARL: Instead of doing something sensible, like ducking under it or employing the THIRD FREAKING DIMENSION!! TBS: He can travel through space? ARL: HE COULD HAVE *SIDE-STEPPED* IT, SNOT!! TBS: Okay, okay... > but a little too late; it caught me > in the ankles like a clothesline and hurled me to the tarmac > face-first. I hadn't quite roused enough neurons to get up after that > when he thumped me in the middle of the back, which seized up my lungs > for a second and hurt like hell. That was good; it made me mad, which > is the surest way I know of to clear out the cobwebs. RACE: ...for when Benjamin Hutchins gets mad, a startling transformation takes place... > I scrambled sideways to my feet and launched my double kick at him, > left, right, two solid hits, and it was -his- turn to sprawl. GAVOK: This is like watching X-Pac fight Big Show. You don't buy any of it, but somebody gets hurt just the same. > I was tempted to give him a good stomping while he was down > there, but I try to avoid doing stuff like that to anyone who hasn't > -really- ticked me off, and he hadn't earned it yet. So I let him get > back to his feet in peace, and we more or less started over. The > glint in his eyes had changed a little since we started. I'd like to > think the new element I saw was respect, but it might also have been > annoyance. TBS: You got your respect in my annoyance! MMK: You got your annoyance in my respect! S.D.: You mistook his deadly eye lasers for emotion! > He came at me with a double-punch-and-knee combination which I > mostly avoided, taking the punches glancingly on my shoulders and > blocking the knee completely; ARL: ...and while we're on the subject-- RACE: We weren't on any subject. ARL: We are now. What's with the whole "blocking" thing? Sure, you're raising your arms to keep from getting a knee to the face, but you'd think Ler Drit would have a counter, or a parry, or-- MMK: Gryph can't parry. ARL: Why? MMK: He's in the wrong Groove. ARL: ... > while I was busy doing that, though, he > caught me in the side of the head with an elbow that almost dropped me > back to the ground. I stumbled and he followed up by sweeping my feet > from under me; I fell face-first. > Guile hadn't expected me to recover so fast, though; I caught > myself on my hands and turned the facefault into a handspring, S.D.: It's like Jet Li woke up in Sammo Hung's body. > and brought my doubled fists down squarely on the top of his flattop > hairdo with a resounding KLONK that smacked his teeth together. TBS: Didn't muss his hair one bit, though. > He stumbled back a step, and I helped him back with a flat-palm to the > middle of his chest that knocked him over with a deep "whoof" of > out-knocked wind. > He was a quick recoverer, too; he caught himself on one hand > and did a spiffy pommel-horse-like spin that was supposed to be a leg > sweep, except I saw it in time and jumped over it. Then he was back > on his feet, then off them again as he came at me in a curious jumping > sideways spin kick that turned him, at one point, completely upside > down. MMK: Ha! Hair-boy messed up the Hienzan! Serves him right. > I got tagged pretty hard by that one, but it was worth it to > see him do it, the move was that neat. ARL: You should see the Sonic Hurricane! ...please? > I wobbled back a step, and > steadied my stance in time to see him hurl another Sonic Boom at me. > I took one running step toward it, turned my back, then > drifted left with the little dance-step I'd learned from Cammy to add > to my spinning backfist, RACE: Would it be left foot up, right foot right, left foot down, right foot left, left foot up by any chance? > letting the Sonic Boom pass harmlessly by. > The backfist connected hard with his jaw, and was flared, to boot; the > impact lifted Guile completely off the ground and spun him halfway > around before dropping him heavily to the pavement on his side. MMK: Okay, *Tsui Hark* called bullshit on that one. > He got to his feet, but a lot less snappily than before. As I > approached, he dropped to a crouch, and the little alarm bells in the > back of my head started sounding. S.D. : Warning! That is *not* a marriage proposal! Warning! GAVOK : But, Guile, we just met! S.D. : Oh, *screw you*. > A little too late, I tried to Ler-slide inside his attack arc > and get in a few face shots. Just as I did, he burst upward > from his crouch into his trademark flash kick, doing a complete > somersault and leaving a trail of dazzling energy behind his kicking > foot. ARL: ...he actually had to *charge* a Flash Kick in an non-video game environment... [ARL twitches.] ARL: ...and it's *Charlie's* trademark Flash Kick... [ARL twitches twice.] > A few inches too far away, I was just at the perfect spot for > him to unload all that energy into me. Time stuttered for a moment, S.D. : T-t-t-t-today, junior! RACE: I'm guessing he didn't clean the disk recently. > and I came back to myself maybe a half-second later, landing on my > back and turning completely over with the momentum. He tried to > trounce me in the back again, but this time I rolled out of the way, > grabbed his arm, locked my legs around it and threw him. ARL: The physics on that seem unsound and frightening. TBS: That sounds more like a joint lock than a throw setup. > Something made a nasty crack, he sprawled, and when we both got > to our feet, his right arm was hanging. I'd dislocated his shoulder. MMK: Either that or he was preparing-- GAVOK: Whoosh-WHACK! MMK: ...a Snake Tamer. > He didn't seem fazed by that; instead he moved in with a kick > series, battering at my guard and driving me back, then breaking > through my guard with one particularly good high kick. I heard the > crack as my nose broke, and felt the warm gush of blood down the > front of my formerly white shirt. TBS : And I realized, I LIKE THIS! > Shaking the flashing lights out of my > vision and swallowing the pain, MMK : Mmmm... bitter... GAVOK : Yummy pain! [He pulls out a box of tacks and empties it into his mouth.] GAVOK : It's the breakfast of champions! > I tried to counter with a backfist, > but miscalculated his position and swung past him. As I missed, Guile > tried to get a grip on me, the better to throw me, but I dug in my > feet (and my Ler) and stopped, then used an elbow strike to break his > one-handed grip. I spun inside his guard, bringing one knee up under > his chin, and WHACK he was going up, over, and crashing to the ground > on his back. S.D. : It's like the Ferris wheel of head trauma wheeeeeeeee-- > He brought up his feet, flexed, and managed to get to > something approaching a standing position in a sloppy kippup. I > capitalized on this momentary lapse by landing another three-puncher; > it seemed to snap him to, and he actually did manage to suplex me > one-handed, which impressed me mightily. I was too busy being > impressed to do very much about it, TBS: Street Fighters take note; if you show him a neat enough card trick, Gryph'll just let you hit him. MMK: It's like an auto-dizzy combo except you don't have to do anything. > and ended up boosting the fiber in my diet with the floor. ARL: *Concrete* fiber is an important part of this balanced breakfast! > I knew it was starting to go bad, RACE: Then you'd better throw that floor out. You'll get sick. > but there wasn't much I > could do about it. I hadn't come into this prepared to fight. I was > tired, stiff from lurking around the desert for so long, hungry, > thirsty and in the wrong time zone. My concentration was minimal and > my energy level poor. TBS : ...and my shoelaces were untied, and my nose was runny, and I really needed to use the little god-boy's room. > Bah. I'm making excuses. No doubt Rose would tell me that if > she were here. The bottom line is that I proceeded to get my ass > completely, thoroughly, professionally kicked. ARL: Okay, now let's try to contain our--oh, to hell with it. ALL: YAY! GUILE!! > With Guile, one > mistake is all you get, and I'd made my second one. It fell apart > quickly from there, and if I'd had time to think about it as > everything went dark I'd have wondered whether I would wake up under > guard in the base hospital, or just in the corner of a cell in the > stockade. GAVOK: In 1998, a street fighter was sent to prison by a military guy with a flat top for a crime he did kind of commit. This man promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Worchester underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the G-Team. > When I awoke, I was momentarily confused to hear the > continuing sounds of a fight. [MMK and GAVOK open fire on the screen with light guns.] > A quick check of my own current state - ARL: Orange Caution. TBS: It's good to carry a map with you wherever you go. > lying on my back on cool concrete, dizzy and in a great deal of pain - RACE : Huh. It must be Tuesday. > led me to conclude it wasn't -me- who was still fighting. If not me, > though, who was it? S.D.: The Poison Pussies have arrived! GAVOK : It was Death... S.D.: It was Zoner, who returned to save his one true love! ARL: That would be really touching if it weren't so full of *wrong*. RACE: Eh, maybe Cammy and Meg'll hook up. GAVOK: Wait! Could it be...? MMK: Yes! Fury the Wonder Dog followed them there, and now he's kicking Guile's ass! LOONS: YAY! FURY! > Maybe I was just hallucinating. But no, as I > tried to concentrate on it, I had to believe I was really hearing it. GAVOK : I believe! [GAVOK air-guitars.] GAVOK : I believe! > -Somebody- was doing some righteous ass-kicking. RACE: ...and that somebody... was *Tak Sakaguchi*! [ALL cheer.] > Convinced I was hearing it, I felt no great impulse to > investigate further. Instead, I decided it would be best if I stayed > where I was, taking a small amount of comfort from the coolness of the > concrete floor. ARL: So apparently it's the end of the world as he knows it, but he feels fine. > It was really quite comfortable there. Comfortable > enough that I wandered back out of consciousness again. MMK: Consciousness really should install a fence one of these days. > When I came to the second time, someone was shaking my > shoulder and whispering. It took me several seconds to put together > the basic fact that they were whispering to -me-, and a few more to > get the language they were speaking sorted. GAVOK, TBS, MMK: Ba na gra na weep nini bong. > "Can you stand?" the voice was saying, softly, in a tone and > accent I found familiar. "We've got to get out of here." > I pried an eye open, winced at the pain as the light outside > invaded my skull, ARL: ...claiming the northern lands. They entrenched themselves in the deep woodlands, making a frontal assault nearly impossible. By the time winter came, the defending forces were-- TBS: Bo-ring. > then tried, slightly successfully, to focus on the > person speaking to me. I knew her, I was sure I knew her... a cute > little blue-eyed blonde with a forelock and braid, British Isles > accent, MMK: Oh, it's Nina Williams. Got it. > dressed in an Air Force uniform, yes? Air Force? Only woman > I know in the Air Force is a brunette. > You idiot, it's Cammy. MMK: No, you just described Nina. > Oh! So it is. TBS : Thanks, voices in my head! MMK, RACE, GAVOK : You're welcome! RACE : Now kill her! She's full of Kegare! > "Hi," I said. > "Hi," she replied. ARL: Snappy dialogue. > "Say," I declared, frowning suspiciously. "You're supposed to > be in Scotland." > "Little detour on my way home," she said, S.D. : I *hate* flying Vanguard. > then repeated her > question: "Can you stand?" TBS , MMK : Do you understand? S.D. : Get out of here! [TBS and MMK walk away with their heads down.] > "I dunno," I replied honestly. The punch-drunkness was > fading, I was becoming aware that my body was not, in fact, one solid > hurt, but rather a network of pain composed mainly of a badly bruised > shoulder, a headache the size of Texas and a broken nose, with > everything else registering a background-noise-level hum of aches and > soreness. ARL: He's been seriously beaten, and he *still* prevaricates at tiresome length. RACE: Could even *death* stop this man's muddled verbiage? > "I'll give it a shot." > As I worked at remembering how to get all these aching parts > to work together as a whole and shambled to my feet, I became aware of > my surroundings in greater detail. Cammy -was- dressed in an Air Force > uniform. TBS : My God! She's overdressed! > The hangar was still right where I'd left it. > The storm drain was open. The crumpled pile of USAF Air Police fatigues > over by the big crate marked 'Hamdingers' [ALL applaud mockingly.] > was Guile. He looked like I felt. GAVOK : He looked like Van Damme, and I felt *damn* tired. > Actually, he was still unconscious, so it's more accurate to say he > looked like I would rather have felt. > "Hey," I observed. "You beat up Guile." > Cammy smiled a little as she briskly helped me on with my Air > Force uniform jacket. "The job does have its fringe benefits from > time to time." MMK : Dental plan, car loan, squashing Air Force jocks... > "That wasn't a nice thing to say," I chided her as she guided > me toward the door. OK, so maybe the punch-drunkness wasn't fading > all that fast. > "I'll write him a letter of apology." S.D. : "Dear Bitch, oh, I mean *Guile*--" > "Well, that's OK, then." > "Right, now just follow my lead and let me do the talking, and > we'll get out of here. All right?" > "Ten-four. You look great in uniform, y'know." RACE : You'd look even better out of it... S.D.: Lame. RACE: Geez, what do you want from me? I used up all my good material in the beginning! S.D.: *That* was your *good* material? [RACE growls.] > "Thank you. Now hush." > "Oki-doki." > We'd limped, arms over shoulders, to the door by that time. > Shooting back the bolt, she shoved the door open, and we went right > out into the group of APs, who were still standing tensely around the > doorway, wondering what to do. They'd set up a couple of bright > floodlamps, GAVOK : Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party?! > and I restrained an impulse to cringe and hiss, vampire-style. TBS: Augh! Photons! RACE: You shut your filthy mouth. > "You lot, see to Captain Guile and start a search of the drain > and transport tunnels!" Cammy barked in an impressive voice of > command. TBS: *A-hem*! [poses] Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi... Bark! > "I'll get Captain Hudson to the infirmary." > I considered protesting that my name isn't Hudson, S.D. : Your name is whatever *I* say it is, beefstick! MMK : Aye, lass. Then get me me sword before the sun comes up, will ya. TBS: SCENE! Days later... ARL : I'm sorry, but I can't take this check unless you sign it properly, Mr. Hutchins-- GAVOK : Hudson, damn it! My *name* is Hudson! See this tag? ARL : Well, it's-- GAVOK : SEE IT?? ARL : Yes... GAVOK : If it says I'm Hudson, then I'm Hudson! You DO. NOT. FUCK. With the Air Force name tag. Got it? ARL : Yessir. > then remembered that the tag on my uniform jacket said it was. > Who am I to argue with the guys who make name tags for the Air > Force? > The APs didn't even think to argue. Soldiers are trained to > obey authority. ARL: Except Mellencamp. He finds authority boring. > Here was a woman in the uniform of a major in the > United States Air Force, a full-access visitor's pass clipped to her > lapel, confident, assured, supporting a badly battered fellow officer > and speaking with a tone of complete authority. They did what > soldiers do: RACE: Acted like frat boys and wolf-whistled? > they obeyed their orders. With much hustling and team > spirit, they went to see to Guile and start that tunnel search. > Cammy and I, meanwhile, set off in what I would assume was the > direction of the infirmary. As soon as we were out of sight of the > APs, she pushed me behind a dumpster - S.D. : Ah, American military bases. Always someplace to ditch a body. > the same one, I realized, I'd begun my evening hiding behind. I > hadn't noticed the black duffel bag lying on the ground next to > it. Maybe it hadn't been there at the time. MMK: Hey, sweet. That's this level's bonus objective. > "Not much time," she observed. "We'll have to get you cleaned > up a bit, you'll draw too much attention looking like this. Here, let > me set your nose for you. We can't have it healing up all crooked, > can we?" she added with a grin. S.D. : Then you'd look like Owen Wilson. > "No, I guess we can't," I replied, ARL : That'd be too much like tangible proof that I actually *failed* at something. > sitting down with my back > against the building wall. She knelt before me, pulling > a first-aid kit from the duffel bag, and got out gauze and tape. > "This will hurt a bit," she admitted, gingerly taking hold of > my battered snout. MMK : Let me find someplace to plug in my belt sander. TBS : ...mommy. > I didn't really have anything to say to that, so I shrugged, > and she straightened it. I think it actually hurt more being fixed > than it had being broken; GAVOK : I can break it for you again, if you'd like. ARL : Thanks anyway. > I let out a muted grunt as tears sprang to > my eyes. Any trace of remaining daze vanished in the pain, which was > actually good. I might be in pain, but at least now I was completely > lucid. > "Sorry," said Cammy apologetically as she packed my rebleeding > nostrils with gauze and reinforced the bridge with tape. "There, that > should do it," she said as she finished up. "You should see a proper > doctor when you get home, but that will hold you for now." > I blinked away the tears as the pain receded. "Tch," Cammy > went on, shaking her head and getting out a large gauze pad. "You > look a fright," ARL : ...and the fact that you got beat up doesn't help either. > she went on, wiping at the tear tracks and blood on my > face. As she worked, she leaned closer, then closer still, and it > didn't occur to me RACE: ...to look down her cleavage? [ALL blink.] TBS : Yeah, right! > that she was going to kiss me until our lips > actually met. > Considerate of the fact that I couldn't breathe through my > nose, she kissed me gently and undemandingly. RACE: Suck all the air out of his lungs! ARL: No time. Use Death Blossom! > Confused by the turn of > events, touched by her consideration, it took me a moment to respond, > but I quickly abandoned whatever plans I might have had for the > evening. Her arms found their way around me as mine encircled her. GAVOK: Dueling German suplexes! Go! > We'd kissed before, of course, but something about this moment - this > incongruous tenderness in the United States' most secret of secret > places - would be burned into my memory forever as one of the key > moments in our early relationship. > It was a comfortable, unhurried sort of intimacy we felt. ARL: So! You're using forged passes and fake identities to rummage around Area 51 without permission! What do you do? [RACE hits a bell.] ARL: Racewing! RACE: Grab a quick grope behind a dumpster! ARL: Apparently correct! > There was no heavy breathing, no furtive fumbling with fasteners, no > sense of urgency - just a warm feeling of contentment. S.D. : Then we tore off our clothing and fucked like rabbits on speed. ARL: I'm committing a misdemeanor just by listening to you. S.D.: Aww, does widdle Arly respect the age of consent? > As I had the > first day I knew her, I felt a little drunk with her nearness. > "Cammy?" I murmured when I got an opening. > "Mm?" she replied. > "What are -you- doing here?" RACE : I just contracted herpes and I needed someone to give it to. > She chuckled, breath warm against my lips. "I -was- here to > steal an aeroplane, but your lot seems to have carried it off before > I arrived." Standing, she helped me up. Now that I was starting to > feel like I lived in my body again, it wasn't as hard to stand up as > it had been last time. > "Lose the shirt," said Cammy, her businesslike briskness > returning. Obligingly, I removed my bloody dress shirt and tie and > consigned them to the dumpster. S.D. : AUGH! Put it back on! PUT IT BACK ON!! > "Put the jacket back on, for now," > she continued. "We're not out of here yet." > Someone had considerately left a Humvee standing parked in > front of Building 10, so we took it. We pulled up to the guard > station where Zoner, Meg and I had entered the base about a year ago. MMK : Time is funny. > "Sorry, Major White," said the guard as Cammy presented her > ID. "We're under lock-down. There's been a major security problem - > someone's stolen one of the experimental aircraft.." GAVOK : James Patterson got drunk again. > "Don't I know it," said Cammy severely. "We're going to have > another if you don't let me pass, soldier. Captain Hudson here is the > only person on this base who knows the codes for that aircraft's > weapons security system, and if I don't get him to Cheyenne within the > evening, we're going to lose whatever chance we may have of getting it > back." ARL: ...but wouldn't that mean that the weapons couldn't be activated without his help, so they couldn't be used? > The guard wavered. "I haven't been informed of - " > "Of course you haven't," said Cammy impatiently. "This is a > national security matter, Airman. MMK : But Dr. Wily said nothing of this! > That aircraft is equipped with > thermonuclear weapons, and if I don't get Captain Hudson to Cheyenne > in time to change those codes, whoever stole it might just decide to > use them. They could be over Chicago in two hours, Washington in > three. Do you want millions of deaths on your conscience?" S.D. : Yes! I like that sort of thing, *ma'am*! ARL : Shit! MMK : Didn't see *that* one coming. > "No, ma'am!" said the airman, saluting. "You may pass!" > "Thank you, Airman," said Cammy, and as the gate went up, she > returned his salute, then floored the accelerator. GAVOK: Cammy White pops the clutch and tells Area 51 to *eat her dust*! > I'm sure we made a > merry sight, bouncing away up that narrow desert road that leads to > one of the loneliest places on Earth. ARL: A Pauly Shore film festival? > It wasn't until two hours later, as we were pulling into Las > Vegas in a BWM sedan and street clothes (the Humvee abandoned by > the side of the road an hour or more behind us), S.D.: ...along with the corpses of the BWM's former occupants... > that I felt I could > finally get away with relaxing, letting out a deep breath, and saying, > "I can't believe that worked." As Cammy looked over, > grinning, I added, "Of course, now the Air Force thinks Zoner intends > to nuke a major city, GAVOK: Right now, Zoner's probably trying to light a bomber joint with a plasma cannon. > but we didn't get shot, so I'm willing to call > it a moral victory." ARL: For some reason, associating all that BS with the word "moral" really, *really* annoys me... > "Doesn't matter much," said Cammy. "Even if they go on full > alert, they'll never be able to touch Sky Dancer. What do you and > Zoner want with it, anyway?" TBS : eBay. > I told her. S.D. : All that so Zoner can get laid? RACE : I only work for the noblest of causes. > "That's wild," said Cammy. "Say - how soon is he expecting > you back?" > "Well, he has to fly back out sometime tomorrow to pick up the > Prince, which is at the airport in Needles... GAVOK: We'd like to thank you for flying Sweet Tooth Air. Our plane will be crashing into Phoenix in four minutes. The time is 5:56pm. RACE: Hey, maybe they could mess around with the Howitzer and the three-legged prostitute while they're there. ARL: Or they could have a grand old time with the Cult of the Mushroom Cloud. RACE: Better them than the Hubologists. > we weren't really > expecting me to get left behind, so we don't have a contingency plan." > "Well, look, why not let him head home on his own? I've got > to go do a little business in San Francisco tomorrow and then I'm at > liberty for a week. I -was- planning to head to Worcester and look > you up, but since you're here anyway, well... " She smiled. "Ever > been to San Francisco?" S.D.: She's taking the long way around coming out of the closet, isn't she? > "Can't say as I have." Is she inviting me to spend a week > with her in San Francisco? Just the two of us? ARL : Guile must've gotten in a couple of good head shots. > "Well, then, let's make a week of it," she said. "Just the > two of us, and San Francisco." RACE : We can get some Slurpees! TBS : Verily! > I guess she is. Unfortunately... > "I'd love to, but I can't. I have to get back as soon as I > can." > "What for?" > "Well, uh... I have a houseguest." S.D. : Without me, who *knows* what wacky misadventures she'll get into?! > By the time I finished that explanation, I was feeling > distinctly fuzzy around the edges; the length and excitement of the > day were taking their toll. > "What are you going to do?" Cammy wondered, her face > thoughtful as she turned the Beemer onto the garish expanse of the > Strip. "She can't stay with you forever." GAVOK : Yes, she can. We poured the foundation on top of her. > "No... I suppose not. Although... " > "What?" > I started to reply, but it turned into a yawn. "Sorry," I > said. "Long day... " > "No worry," said Cammy. "Pick out a place to stay - we've no > shortage of choices." > "How about that new place I read about a while back, the one > that's shaped like a pyramid... " ARL : That's French! RACE : Stinky pits and all, baby! > "The Luxor?" Cammy grinned. "I thought that might appeal to > you. The Luxor it is!" > > It is my distinct pleasure to inform you that, even if you > have been soundly and professionally beaten up, the beds at the Luxor > are of a high standard of comfort. I was asleep within minutes. RACE: ...much to Cammy's displeasure. S.D. : Then I woke up, and my body had locked into its current position. > Respectfully submitted, ARL: ...for the approval of the Midnight Society... > --G. > > END BATTLE 04 MMK: Roll end credits! GAVOK: Remember to worship Gryphon at the Eyrie message board of your choice! TBS: Bring your sacrificial anime babe for consecration every first Friday of the month. ======== "...and that is why it's always good to get a rabies shot," Wanderer explained to AoD. "Huh. Did they put Talbain to sleep?" Falconer got their attention. "Psst, guys!" Wanderer smiled. "Why, what is it, good friend Falconer?" "The fanfic is finished. Oh, and there's a man-eating worm coming our way. Just thought I'd warn you." "You don't say. How did we do in the ratings?" Falconer shrugged. "Hell if I know. We won't get the ratings for a couple days." "I want to know now, Falconer." "But..." Wanderer pulled out his katana. "I'll slice off your armpits." "Fine. We did well. I guess. Double the normal ratings." "Did you hear that, AoD? We tripled our ratings!" Falc grunted, "I didn't say--" Wanderer rested his head in his hand. "So how are those suckers doing down there?" --- "I heard that," MMK said, wearing a fake beard for some reason. "And I ain't not no sucka!" "Yeah!" Gavok shouted from behind him. "And I ain't not no sucka, neither!" As the camera panned down, it showed that MMK was wearing a Roman chest plate and carrying a dagger. In an Aussie accent, he said, "It's tiger fighting time. On my command, unleash Hell." "Your command?!" Gavok was showed on the monitor in a ratty, armored kilt with blue paint covering half his face. "Aye, it should be I who leads us into the battle. For these tigers can take our lives, but they'll never take--" "Why should you be the leader?" MMK said, dropping the accent. Gavok dropped his fake Scottish accent. "I have a Bronze Grudgie." "Well, I have the Church of Kaphwan." "Well, I've updated my site in the past year." "I have a fanbase." "My show was more popular." "I have a giant tongue." "I wrote the most Forgot About Jae chapters." "I wrote the most Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky chapters. And I started it!" "I write more UVR stuff!" "I write better UVR stuff!" "Well, you're Canadian!" "Well, you're not!" "I wrote a 200k FAQ about the MK series!" "Then you wrote 200k of crap." "Well, your beard is stupid." "Well, your war paint looks like a blotch of ink." "Well, you're a chumpstain." "Well, you're a jackass. And a crybaby." Gavok angrily jumped up and down. "I'm not a crybaby! I'm not! I'm not!" "Guys!" Snot said, dressed up as a convict. "Can we just get on with this?" MMK and Gavok looked Snotling up and down. "Why are you dressed like that?" MMK asked. "I saw you guys and I thought we were going trick or treating." Gavok scratched his chin. "Huh. Maybe later." He held up a sword. "But with the six of us together, those tigers don't stand a chance! Right, guys?!" MMK and the Black Snotling pumped their fists into the air. "Yeah!" And off the three ran. Arlieth, Racewing and Ryukage stayed, each looking mostly uninterested. "Think they'll all die?" Race asked. Arlieth sighed. "One can only hope." Ryukage whispered to the others upon making a joyous discovery. "Guys, the door is open." Racewing smiled. "All right. Quick, let's get out of here before the others notice." Arlieth looked back at the Loons and then followed Racewing and Ryukage. "So should we barricade the doors shut in case they survive?" Racewing began to roll a boulder he found lying around. "Of course. Give me a hand with this." "You know," SD said while watching the Loons and the tigers in the distance, "I'd kind of like to help them out." "The Loons?" Arlieth asked. "No, the tigers." "Don't worry, SD," Racewing said. "I have an idea for revenge that you could be a part of. Come, we have some talking to do." "Racewing, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." --- "Falconer, they're getting away. Do something!" "Okay, hold on. I'm going to mess with the security code so that they can't escape the lobby. I just have to pull this lever and..." Just then, a giant worm smashed through the control room's wall and devoured Falconer like he was a piece of popcorn. "Good going, Falconer!" Wanderer said. "Not only did you neglect to stop Racewing, Arlieth and Ryukage from leaving, but now you're dead!" The worm entered the studio and growled at Wanderer. "Good doggy." He turned his head to the band. "Hey AoD, rail this thing, would you?" The keyboard station was empty. "AoD...?" --- Burghy and AoD walked down the sidewalk in their suburban neighborhood. The two of them ducked out early from work to go catch a flick. "So what are you and It seeing?" "Bonus-Kun in the Morning! In this one, Bonus-Kun finally finds his way back home!" "Far out." "HALT!" a massive figure shouted as it stood on its lawn. It was Justice, the leader of the Gears. Burghy waved. "Hey there, Mr. Justice! We were just going to see a movie!" "AH! THEN I WISH YOU LUCK IN YOUR FUTURE ENDEAVORS, BURGHY FROM DOWN THE STREET!" AoD looked him up and down. "Feh. Nice robo-dick, tool." Burghy took a couple steps away. Then he just ran like hell. The Gear arced his back. "GRAAAAAAHHH!!" before letting loose with his ultra-cheap, unavoidable beam super. When he finished, two minutes later, all that was left were a pair of boots and a lot of smoke. Somehow AoD's voice could still be heard saying, "...asshole." --- "Falconer, are you there?" One punch to the chin later... "Oh, there you are." Wanderer stood up. "Where are we?" "That worm's stomach, idiot." "The 'Stomach Idiot'? I did infomercials for that!" Falconer groaned. "That giant worm swallowed us." "So it's just us in here?" Falc sighed. "Not exactly." "Hey guys!" OgOpOgO- said, cheerily. Wanderer blinked. "OgO? How long have you been in here?" "Quite a while, actually. Hey, how's it going out in the real world? Are there still naked ladies out there? Those are my favorite kind!" Wanderer nodded at OgOpOgO- and then turned to Falconer. "So let's talk about what went wrong with today's show." Falconer looked down. "You know... I left my flannel jacket back at the studio." "It's *gone*, Falc. It's long gone." --- Arlieth sat back in his chair and drank some hot cocoa. "And that's how it happened. Wanderer and Falconer got eaten, AoD got blasted, Racewing and Shady are up to something and the Loons are dead and/or trapped." "And Burghy saw a movie," Nere said. "Right... Sure, and Burghy saw a movie." The eDANgelist, leader of the Aqua Deformed Hoolee Force, got in his face. "Yeah, that's a nice story, but it doesn't explain what happened to my wallet!" Kenma rolled his eyes. "eDAN, your wallet's in your right hand." "Oh no it's not! This is a wallet clone!" Kenma nodded, skeptic at eDAN's words. "A wallet clone." "Yes! Hey, I know these things. That's why I'm the leader. That why I was able to beat up that flying Shy Guy in our back yard." Nere lifted his eyebrow. "You were attacked by a Shy Guy? You mean from Super Mario Brothers 2?" "Yes! And I'll do the same to you if you don't shut your trap!" "eDAN!" Kenma yelled. "Well, he started it!" Arlieth continued drinking. "So after you beat it up, what did you do with it?" "Eh, I just tossed it into the garbage can in Kenma's room." "I don't have a garbage..." Kenma's eyes widened. "Oh no! The cloning machine!" "Aha! See, I told you this wasn't really my wallet! Now cough it up, Arlieth!" As a sound of screeching reached his ears, Nere's eyes grew to twice their normal size. "Guys, run!" "To the Hooleegonmobile!" eDAN yelled as he, Kenma and Nere escaped. Arlieth was still sitting in the chair, unaware that behind him were several dozen angered, flying Shy Guys. "Hey, you guys have a Hooleegonmobile? That's pretty--" he turned his head. "Oh my God." --- Back in the theater, three tigers sat in the front row. One wearing glasses, one wearing a towel cape and one with a top hat. The latter one burped really loudly. "You guys. Off." MMK snatched his glasses off the tiger's head and put them back on. "Ah, much better." The three tigers growled and walked away. Snotling sat back into his seat. "I thought you said that was a way out, Gavok." "I say a lot of things." MMK stared at Gavok for a second. "You know..." "Yes, I know. My arms are missing. The tigers bit them off and I can't seem to find them." TBS shrugged. "Hey, at least Jumpy's not here." MMK nodded. "Yeah. Besides, the Homestar Runner look is good on you." "So we're trapped. Again." TBS stretched his legs. "What are we going to do now?" "Same thing we do every night," MMK reminded him. "Melee?" Snotty asked. "Melee," MMK concurred. Gavok sat down. A blue Gamecube controller floated in front of him as if he had invisible arms. "I shot first player!" A tiger growled in the background. "No," MMK told it. "We haven't unlocked Game and Watch yet." ======== Edited by: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde twilde@gamepartisan.com http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ Compiled by: Austin Loomis AGLoomis@aol.com Written by: Alair asellus@seanbaby.com Alicia Ashby lynxara@bad-candy.com Patrick "eonsinger" Bradley eonsinger@thedorm.com the Black Snotling Snotter@sluggy.net http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~Snotling Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ Alex Fauth rickr@ihug.com.au http://www.elmerstudios.com Geson "Racewing" Hatchett ghatch@panix.com http://racewing.anifics.com Oniko Hakubi oni_ko@yahoo.com James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ Gavin "Gavok" Jasper gjj2192@rit.edu http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol/index.html Austin Loomis AGLoomis@aol.com Mark Poa markpoa@edsamail.com.ph S.D. Ryukage dragon48@ptd.net John "Ripper Jak" Stoddert WYVERN5555@aol.com http://members.xoom.com/RipperJak/ Arlieth Tralare arlieth@west.net Scott "W4" Watson woofer@yepmail.net All Street Fighters and associated characters are the property of Capcom. The other participants in the crossover jamboree are similarly spoken for, with the exceptions of Gryphon, Zoner, Fury, and presumably Dr. Mueller, who're all the property of Eyrie Productions, all rights deserved. All characters in the theater are the property of their respective writers. Stealing them would be sort of pathetic. All power to the people, and ban the fucking bomb. MOT: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot.html > "Fine. I have my curse, you can have your curse. Enjoy."