The author of this MiSTing is:  "Ya-chan" …the other, female one.
E-mail:   putti_plush@yahoo.com
LJ:   http://www.livejournal.com/users/putti_plush/

DISCLAIMER: MST3K & the related characters and ideas are owned and 
copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  All caracters portrayed in this MiSTing 
except the Mads are REAL PEOPLE.  As of such, they deserve our utmost 
respect, and this document is not intended to be harmful to them.  They 
are represented here without their direct permission for purposes of 
entertainment only. The fanfiction "Wierd" is owned by Matsumoto Hidoko
aka XZ0ner.  Attempted contact resulted in a saved mailer daemon e-mail.  
MiSTing will be taken down by author's request; no offense is intended.

CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION
This fanfic contains mature content that should only be read by 
persons eighteen (18) years or older.

~This was a MiSTing written for J-rock fans, as opposed to a MiSTing of a 
J-rock fanfic for MST3K fans.  I've tried to make 90% of my riffs non 
J-rock dependent though, so as to make this MiSTing accessible.~

Extended disclaimers and info can be found at the end of the document.

So now, are we all comfortable?  Do we have a sugary food or beverage?  
Very well then let us continue for the third episode of…

~~~SPARKLY!!~~~
Mystery Vocalist Theater Three Thousand
~Where the truth shall never be shown to anyone.~

     The man opened his eyes, flinching as he was met with the glare of a 
floodlight.  Feeling slowly returned to his body, and a throbbing pain 
shot up his arm, causing him to shout.  Soon, the light above him was 
blocked by a shadow.  Squinting, he made out the forms of a rounded nose, 
pouting lips, and noble chin, all so familiar, and so like his own.
     "Kohta…"  He breathed out, lifting up his right arm to touch the face
of his brother.  His arm was covered in bandages, blood seeping through 
the tight folds around his fingers.  The shadow soon broke into three 
shadowy forms, all chattering worriedly.  Sitting up, pain racing through 
his every muscle, he recognized the spiky hair and metallic glints of Kyo,
the paternal care in the delicate face of Hideto, and the childlike aspect
in the fully adult body of Haruna.  His brother wasn’t there after all.
     "Murata-san, are you okay?"  Klaha took the injured man’s hand, 
inadvertently making it hurt more.  Hyde slapped him on his bare shoulder,
and Masaki carefully put Kirito’s hand down.
     "Do you remember anything that happened?"  Hyde asked, bringing up a 
banged-up bowl of soup.  Kirito looked around the dramatically shaded 
room, seeing pieces of wreckage and the chiseled forms of the men’s naked 
bodies rendered in sharp contrast.
     "That fic got to me…" Kirito sighed.  "I’m sorry about trashing the 
place."  Hyde just let out a breath, and put his arms at Kirito’s back 
under the younger man’s arms.
     "Let’s get you to bed.  You were out for an hour and we was afeared 
to move you.  But I think we managed to patch you up okay."  Hyde helped 
Kirito onto the mattress instructing him to lie down with his calloused 
hands.  The elder vocalist tucked the younger one in, adjusting the 
bandages that covered up tattooed arms.  "We managed to find this 
floodlight hidden in a tile underneath the sink."
     "I found it!" Kyo piped up.
     "You took out the TV so I don’t think we’ll be hearing from the 
fangirls soon.  Of course, you also took out the electricity, so all we 
have are batteries."
     "And still no way out…" Klaha turned his gaze down solemnly.  "And 
Mana-sama was going to get me out of this hell."
     "Well all we can do is pray," Hyde said followed by a long pause.  
"No I’m serious folks, pray!!"
     "Says you the man who burnt the cross?"  Kyo huffed.
     "Listen ya little chigger, I had a lil’ dark night of the soul, okay?
Plus it’s called showmanship, and it backfired on me anyway," Hyde 
snapped.  "And I know, in my heart, that God forgives me.  And he’ll 
forgive all of y’all too, if y’all jist pray to Him."
     "Of all the times to be Witnessed!" Klaha threw up his arms in 
dismay.
     "Aw, shuttit Masaki, I’m entitled to mah beliefs!"  Hyde growled.  
"Plus I fixed y’all dinner by jerry riggin the stove, now didn’t I?"
     "Thank you Takarai-sempai," Kyo and Klaha chimed.  Kirito chuckled.  
Kirito tapped his spoon on the side of the malformed bowl, comforted by 
the metallic clink in the broth.  Blowing on a spoonful, he took a sip and
was greeted by a salty soup with some corn thrown in with what seemed to 
be cabbage and some mashed up beans and broccoli.
     "Not the most appetizing dinner, but it’ll do," He commented.
     "There was only so much actually in the refrigerator," Hyde opined.  
"You smashed the baked beans yerself."  Kirito choked a bit realizing Hyde
meant he had done so under his feet.  "There’s only so much you can do 
with limited resources.  The rest of us got to eat it with burnt rice."
     In three hours the batteries in the floodlight gave out, leaving the 
room in darkness just as it had been when the men first arrived.  The 
other three crawled toward the bed from where they had been making 
impromptu sculptures with broken kitchen tiles, and snuggled in next to 
Kirito using each other for warmth as the ventilator poured in only fresh 
icy air.  Each had vivid dreams that night, filled with faces of friends 
and family faces of loved ones long since past and dreams of shapes and 
sounds defying description, of lost cities and cold wastes, starlit 
planets covered in spires and polyps, and underground passages lined with 
ancient forbidden knowledge.  Four syllables permeated their thoughts, 
sharp and fluting, a repeated "Tekeli-li, Tekeli-li!" that swam around 
them along with almost organic the sound of smoldering metals and the 
groaning crack of falling trees.  The sounds intensified, and were joined 
by human yells, and the men were met with a unique pungent odor like 
pomegranate mixed with soymilk.  A something crashed on their bed and they
all woke with a start, eyes flying open in a bright harsh light.  The room
was again fully lit and everything repaired but their eyes were all drawn 
towards a writhing mass of black on their bed.  Klaha screamed, scrambling
backwards, Kirito froze in place and Kyo went after the thing with the 
empty soup bowl, hitting randomly at the form.
     "Die!  Die!  Get back!!  Die ya hakun foocha sully!!!"  Kyo’s 
muscular arms were caught from behind and struggled into submission.
     "Don’t hit him!"  Hyde’s voice called out, and the eldest of the four
pushed Kyo back into a mountain of pillows.  "Ya-chan Ya-chan you okay 
thar?"  Hyde crawled forward, pulling away long locks of hair and one 
seriously messed up leather coat.  A darkly handsome face with pale skin 
came out of the mess and the rest soon untangled into a hunched human 
figure.  Klaha screamed again, gibbering uncontrollably.  "Oh please 
Masaki he’s not that scaryOHMYGOD!!!"  Everyone watched transfixed as a 
small group of undulating black forms swept across the floor, eyeballs 
occasionally emerging to examine another piece of debris that needed to be
taken care of.  One or another would form a tentacle to hold up a banged 
up spoon, or interestingly formed piece of wire or metal, or a pretty 
piece of glass tinted by high temperature and added metal, and would 
confer with another tarry mass of eyeballs about it, chirping out strange 
sounds as well as an occasional recognizable "Tekeli-li".  The object 
would then be suspended in a pocket as the creatures then went on to 
complete the cleanup of the room, some scooting along the walls and 
scrubbing the burn spots off of them.  Every critter seemed very merry in 
their work, and in the end each tooted happily, and made their way towards
a new rectangular hole in the wall, on the other side of which could be 
seen a long passageway of ice.  Each creature twirled around and fit 
themselves into the hole as they grew out a shiny coat of fur, finally 
filling up the section of wall with their insulating bodies.
     "What the hakun are those things?"  Kyo said in a very small voice.
     "Shoggoths… Shogglings actually."  A light voice met their ears and 
the men turned to their new visitor.  "Did you guys know that you’re in 
Antarctica?"  The faces of the men all twisted into surprise.
     "Antarctica!?"  Klaha freaked.  "Why and how are we in Antarctica!?"
     "And for that matter who are you?"  Kirito asked, casting a 
disapproving glance at Klaha.
     "Oh," Hyde interjected and went to sit next to the arrival.  
"Everyone, this is Sakurazawa Yasunori-san.  An old acquaintance."
     "A pleasure to meet you all!"  Sakurazawa smiled widely, distorting 
his face into a surprisingly childish complexion.  He bowed, forehead 
touching down on the mattress an arc of black hair following him.
     "And why are you down here anyway?"  Hideto asked, quite puzzled 
himself.  The new arrival’s face hardened again.
     "Well, when you were abducted, everyone and their neighbor woke up.  
Megumi-san couldn’t exactly fight very well against the armed guards as 
they took you away, but she got a pretty good look at two girls as they 
called her a ‘robot’.  The very next morning, the whole gang got together 
at Danger’s, and we all discussed what to do.  I for one, took off the 
minute Yukkie-san gave me this handy dandy comm. unit!"  Yasunori smiled, 
winked, and reached for the pocket of his coat, sadly finding it no longer
there.  "…oh foocha."  Hyde sighed with a seeming accustomed air, and 
patted Yasunori on the back.
     "It’s okay, Ya-chan.  You tried," Hyde murmured.
     "You don’t want to hear about my daring rescue mission sneaking into 
the Antarctic carrier, braving death amongst armed guards, biting cold and
bilge rats?"
     "I think we all get the ide… wait, were we there?"
     "They kept you all in frozen stasis hooked up to liquid dispensing 
machines in little cells!  I tried to get you guys out, but there was only
so much I could do with what I brought with me… and a flame-torch wasn’t 
included."  Sakurazawa hung his head.  "I’m really sorry."
     "How long were we kept like that?"  Kyo questioned.
     "Well, I just had a haircut three days before and now…" Sakurazawa 
held up a long lock of hair.  "I’d say two, three months.  Bilge rats make
really good pets you know."
     "And what do those… things have to do with this?" Klaha still 
cowered.
     "Well, I managed to follow the guards as they transported you down 
here.  It took them about a month to set up this place, too.  Now mind 
you, I was freezing my butt off," Sakurazawa explained.
     "Yeah, shouldn’t you be dead of hypothermia?"  Kyo grunted.
     "Well, me and the bilge rats made a run for it real soon, and by 
packing together like the Emperor Penguins, we formed a commando unit in 
the icy tundra.  Anyway, everyone was getting power from a weird green 
stone, and I was still trying to get you guys free, so I decided to mess 
with the thing.  Next thing I knew I was falling into blackness, snow 
coming back up over the closing opening and I landed on something warm and
soft.  And that’s when I met the shoggoths.  I couldn’t SEE them mind you,
but they’re pretty fast learners, and they’d been listening to quite a few
waves of construction workers and knew Japanese.  So me and the bilge rats
lived with them until this place here was finished.  And we decided to get
you guys free and take us ALL back to Japan, land of delicious food, warm 
and serene landscapes, beautiful clothing, amazing art, and kick ass 
music!"  A happy chorus of squees was heard from the fuzzy portion of 
wall.  "Me and the kiddies worked on this last leg of the rescue mission 
together!"  More happy chirps were heard.  "Sorry it took me so long to 
get to you guys, I had to find a place to hide you and figure out how to 
work the carrier for our getaway.  Did you guys know you’re naked?"
     "Yes… overly aware," Kirito said in a deadpan voice.  "But if you 
came to rescue us why fix the room?"
     "They just really like fixing and cleaning things.  Apparently it’s 
genetic.  They just couldn’t pass up the chance to renovate.  And they’re 
so happy doing it too.  I didn’t have the heart to stop them… though 
finally seeing them was a bit of a shocker."
     "You’re telling me."  Klaha was green.
     "Let’s get out of here,"  Kirito almost ordered.  "Can those…"
     "Shogglings," Yasunori posited.
     "…shogglings get us something warm to wear?"
     "Yeah, and they can take care of those boo-boos of yours, too.  
Lezgo!"  As soon as the phrase was uttered, all of the men had to hold 
their ears as a splitting screech was heard.
     "There shall be no lezgo-ing!"  The screen was on again with the two 
fangirls Miyavi, and Mana-sama appearing on it.  The schoolgirl of the 
pair was staring angrily at the screen.  "What do you think you were 
doing, Murata, you, you… kichigai!!"
     "Oh well bleep me on television, I bet you think you’re funny."  
Kirito glared.
     "Well you almost took out the TV!!  But it looks like you all cleaned
up the place nice.  And… wait a minute… are there five of you?"
     "Hiii!" Yasunori waved.
     "Is that Sakura??  How’d you get in?"
     "Magic."
     "…oookaaayy…  Well that’s all the better considering today’s
 experiment!  Ahahahaha!"  The preppy girl let out a cackle.
     "But first you guys need to keep up your end of the bargain."  The 
goth growled.
     "What bargain?  You just abducted us, you dolt." The elder Murata 
growled.
     "Shut up, Tut.  Now give us an honest review so Mana here…" Mana 
coughed at the wannabe goth’s words. "Mana-SAMA here can see the complete 
process."
     "Although considerably better written," Hyde started. "The sheer 
squick factor of it all made this only a smidgeon better than the first 
fic.  And… the fnords, man, the fnords!!"
     "Well, it started out really cute and sweet, but then all of a sudden
it was like hwatcha! porn!  First Kohta’s blushing and fumbling, then a 
few sucky kisses later he’s humping the air and begging for that Kirito 
cock like a hakun jizzwhore."  Kyo crossed his arms and shook his head.
     "With all the weird stuff…" Klaha paused as the fangirls broke out 
into laughter.
     "He said ‘weird’."  The yaoi lover giggled.
     "Um aaaanyway, with all the weird stuff going on, I hardly got a 
chance to understand the fic.  It was pretty bad, and I’m guessing the 
characterization was… I dunno.  There was blood involved in the whole 
sordid mess."  Klaha shrugged.
     "You know who I am, and I hate you." Kirito quoted, shooting daggers 
at the screen.
     "Good."  The goth girl nodded, then turning to Mana-sama.  "So, do 
you want your stupid little former vocalist back now?"  The great Gothloli
queen nodded.  At that, the screen blacked out, and a loud mechanical 
whirring came from the ceiling.  Six ceiling tiles descended as a lift, 
the four tormentors riding down upon it.  The two girls and Miyavi were 
toting automatic weapons, giving off a very definite "Don’t the rest of 
you try to escape" message.  Klaha looked at his companions, face painted 
in joy.
     "I’m sorry, but I’m being freed!!  I hope you all get out soon!"  not
one to exchange hugs with people he hadn’t known for very long, Klaha 
rushed toward the lift.  Mana-sama’s eyes widened, and he grudgingly took 
off his cloak to fasten it around the naked vocalist.  
     "You, come here." the girls ordered and Miyavi went forward, and 
dragged Sakura onto the lift as well.  The lift started to clank up, and 
there were three men trapped in the icy riffing hell.  A few minutes 
later, the two girls and their last captive j-rocker appeared again on the
screeching screen.  As if used to it, the three original men screwed in 
their wires.  A tumbling and a few yelps were heard, and a now naked and 
hooked up Yasunori fell onto the floor.  He grumbled a bit and went over 
to the bed, sitting closest to the headboard where Klaha used to sit.  The
other three were sitting in his order to his left: Kyo, Hyde, and Kirito.
Kyo started to plug in Klaha’s old wires into the drummer’s new ports.
     "Are you boys ready for today’s torture session?" The prep asked.  
"Whether you are or not, Meev’s busy feeding it into our translator.  And 
I think you’ll all come to have a new appreciation for your new visitor."
The three original men looked at Sakura, who had look of realization on 
his face.
     "Waitaminute… talking about me, laughing at the word ‘weird’… Oh my 
God, it can only be one thing!!"  The drummer yelled as the room punched 
into black, a large word filling their entire world…


> Wierd 

Sakura: Oh Goddammit, no!!!

{the announcer’s voice yelled out the title, causing the men to cover 
their ears.}

Kirito: DO you know something about this fic, Sakurazawa?

Sakura: Yeah… I’m kind of a veteran to L’Arc fiction.  I know what this 
is, what this author likes and… man I’m so sorry you guys have to meet me 
and this fic at the same time.

Kyo: You read fiction like this… regularly… of your OWN VOLITION?

Kirito: I have to admit I’ve read a few cursive and sundry fics myself, 
but not, persay, enough to be an EXPERT.

Sakura: Heh.  What can I say, it’s addictive.  Most stuff out there is 
really depressing too.  Foreign stuff is more likely to have happy endings
at least; our local stock tends to be seriously dark.  So rape, torture, 
S&M, double suicide, I’ve read it all.

Kyo: Of your Own Volition?

Sakura: Yes of my own volition.  It really gives you a view into the minds
of the fans.  And let me tell you… their minds are full of us making out 
with each other, consequences and reality be damned.

Kyo: I’m guessing they keep it in band… please?

Sakura [laughs evilly, then sighs sadly]: Oh… you only wish.

> hidoko M'A~tsu~Moto (^_~)

{A girl appears in front of them, smiling evilly and wearing a "Tetsu x 
Hyde fo’evah!!!" shirt.  She winks at the men.}

Hyde: Oh, I swear if she spells her name like that again, I’ll…

Sakura: Bee tee double-you, she calls herself Hidoko Matsumoto as a 
derivative of hide.

Kyo: OH NO SHE DI’INT!!

Kirito: Our pain is only beginning isn’t it?

Sakura: Hooboy, yeah.  Also, I think you guys can guess her OTP.

Hyde: Another one?  Yeesh, what’s wrong with being best friends with 
Tetsu?  I mean, the fan service is fun and all… but can’t these girls get 
an idea of fantasy VS reality?

Kyo: They live off of fan service.  That’s why we do it. 
[All nod.]

All: True, true…

> Tuesday, October 26, 1999 9:24:10 PM 

Kyo: anyone got a riff for that?

{Slowly, a long thin line appears before them weaving back and forth like 
a tapeworm.}

> ________________________________________________________________________
> __________________ 

All: What IS that thing!?

> Notes: Without further adieu…. 

Hyde: …I shall continue to speak in fangirl French and end my sentences 
with four periods.

Kyo: Those are some pretty short notes.

> Warnings: Gimme a Y! Gimme an A! Gimme an O~! Gimme an I~!! Y! A! O! I!!
> *bursts into laughter* 

All: Gaah!

Kyo: Foocha, that’s some hakun messed up laughter!!

Kirito: Lovely to know that she can laugh over the idea of perverting our 
sexual orientations for her own pleasure.  [Kyo coughs]  Shut up.

Hyde: Doesn’t she mean: Gimme a YA!

Sakura: Here I am, babe.

Hyde: …

Sakura: Can’t you tell when I’m speaking tongue in cheek by now?

Hyde: All of our senses of reality have been perverted by exposure to 
these fics.

> Leads: Yukihiro (L'Arc~en~Ciel) and Sakura (Zigzo) 

[all stare]

Hyde: …

Kyo: …

Kirito: …who?

Kyo: …the two drummers.

Hyde: Our band had three drummers.  The first one left before recording 
our first album.  Sakura here’s our second.  He had to leave under… 
special circumstances, and Yukihiro is our third, and still extant 
drummer.

Kirito: I take it they’re not close?

Sakura: We’ve met.  Hyde’s a real point of contact, and so yeah, the 
greater L’Arc contingency has all met at one place more than once, but 
umm…  I respect him, and he’s jammed with S.O.A.P. a bit, he’s cool but…  
Romance isn’t the word you’d use to describe our relationship, not by a 
long shot.  Nor is animosity; we don’t hate one another, despite what the 
fangirls think.

Hyde: It’s the Sakura old school fans VS the Yukihiro new school fans.  
Each likes to project their views onto their drummer of choice.  The turf 
wars were terrifying, and that’s one of the things that pushed Tetchan to 
do "Bravery".

Kyo: The "I hate the fans" song?

Hyde: ummmm… Is that really how it sounded? 
[kyo nods]

Sakura:  In fangirl fic world, this is basically a crime of mixing eras, 
and there’s pretty much a taboo against pairing us together for 
continuity’s and fan-group schism’s sake.  Thus: Sakura x Yukihiro = pure 
evil.

Kirito: Thanks, Amazing Exposition Man.

Sakura: Anytime!

> others: Hyde (L'Arc~en~Ciel), Tetsu (L'Arc~en~Ciel) 

Sakura: Aaand, we have our OTP, which she just can’t keep out of anything.

Hyde: Ken (L’Arc~en~Ciel), Elizabeth (L’Arc~en~Ciel), Juliet 
(L’Arc~en~Ciel), Ichi Ni San and Yo (L’Arc~en~Ciel)

Kirito: huh?

Hyde: Our guitarist, his two cats, and my pet crickets.

> ________________________________________________________________________
> __________________ 

Kyo: That thing is really scary.

{The room turns into a dark basement room.  Yukihiro is sleeping on a 
couch, sheet music strewn across a nearby table, the walls lined with 
sound equipment and books.  There is a red neon light on, its rays limply 
illuminating the faces on American movie posters.  The place smells of 
cigarettes and opened pocky.}

> It all began with a phone call. 

Kirito: Hello, is this the Lady of the House?  

Hyde: Would you like to take a survey?

Kyo: Is your refrigerator running?

Sakura: Joe’s Pizza, what can I do ya for?

> This might sound corny, I think, but it was true. 

Sakura: Gee whillikers.

> What had happened had began with that cursed phone call.

Hyde: what… had happened… had… began…?  Argh, verb conjugation’s going on 
the offensive in this fic!

Kirito: The cursed phone call: after hearing it, you die in seven days.

> There it sounded, annoyingly, while I was getting a well-deserved rest 
> in my den, just about to fall asleep.

Hyde: huh?  There it sounded?

Kirito: Wow, I never kneew Yukihiro was a werewolf, but turns out he has 
his own den.

> The first thought which occurred in my mind was 'Work, work again!' 

Kirito: If at first you don’t succeed…

All: Work, work again!

Sakura: The only joy is the joy of duty. Work... work... work. 

> But I had climbed up, lethargically, and dragged myself to the phone. 

Hyde: When… the pluperfect happened before the past so you should continue
the sentence, you had done x WHEN … y happened!!

Kyo: Enough with the grammar riffs!  It’s getting annoying.

> "Moshi moshi?" I greeted, but there was only silence. I waited. I was
> not sure if it was a prank call, since my number was unlisted, but it
> could well be from someone I knew. 

Sakura: Like the Muffin Man.  Yukihiro and the Muffin Man often contracted
shady deals in the back alleys of Savannah, buying black-market Art 
History books from a shady supplier named Pepe.  "You want Art Heestory?"
Pepe asked, beady eyes shining under his tasseled sombrero, awkward teeth 
smiling under a scraggly mustache.  "Pepe has thaaat."

Kyo:  Hyde, I don’t know whether to love or fear your friend here.

Hyde: He’s an acquired taste.

Sakura: Like escargot.

> I checked the caller-ID. It was not a number of someone whom I knew.

Kirito: It’s an I.D. Attack!

[Sakura makes a disturbingly accurate rimshot noise.]

Kirito: How’d you do that?!

Sakura: Elven magic.

> I waited for a longer time, then, deciding that it was just some idiot—
> possibly Ken calling from his friend's—I decided to put down.

Hyde: From his friend’s what?

Kyo: What’d I say about grammar riffs, Takarai?

Hyde: It was a legitimate question.

> But he had to speak at the right time. 

Hyde: Yukihiro, or someone else?

Kyo: Takarai!!

> "……Yukihiro ka?" It was a deep male voice, not as deep as Hyde's, and
> quieter. 

Sakura: Hello, Clarice.

[Kirito jumps]
Kirito: Dammit, man!!

Hyde: Oh yes, my voice is just SOOO deep.

Kyo: MY voice is deep…  

Sakura: Perhaps though, they’re comparing your voice to Ken’s.

Hyde: Yeah, in that case Michael Jackson’s voice is deep.

Kirito: Why do I sense you two are being overly harsh?

Hyde: Hey, we know him, we’re allowed.  Plus, he’d be the first person to 
make the exact same joke.

> "Ee, may I know who is on the other end?" I asked. 

Sakura: I am… BATMAN!

> "…." Silence. 

Kirito: Oh, hey Silence!!  Great to hear from you!  So, how’s the project 
going?

> I wondered if it was another fan call; one week ago I had received one
> from a hentai girl who rambled on endlessly then proceeded to ask me for
> Hyde's number—and I had forgotten to change my number. 

[pause]
Kyo: Okay, that’s just hakun SCARY.  Does stuff like that happen?  We all 
tend to guard our lines like foocha in Dir.

Kirito: Brr! That line just makes me paranoid…

Sakura: Fufufu… oh, your paranoia is just beginning, trust me.

> This one seemed different, however—there was something which drew me on. 

Kyo: …a pencil!

> "I'm going to hang up," I told him matter-of-factly, 

Kirito: You aaaaaare theee weakestlink, …goodbye!

> and waited again. He laughed. Feeling confused and annoyed, I demanded,
> "What's so funny?" 

Hyde: Night at the Opera.

Kyo: Excel Saga.

Kirito: Horrible Histories.

Sakura: Eagle Shooting Heroes.

> "……Just as Hyde had told me…" He said. Then he paused again. A thousand
> questions came rushing to my mind,

Kirito: Did Mason ever see a psychiatrist? Was the psychiatrist’s name Dr.
Takeuchi and did he have a long ponytail?  Did he take notes on a large 
yellow pad? Did he slump a little whi…

Kyo: STOP, Stop NOW, in the name of all that I still revere as holy!!

Sakura: Ahhh… Esmeraude.

Hyde: Good, so we don’t have to fill you in, then.

> but he seemed to sense it, and spoke, "I am Sakura." 

Hyde: I’m Spartacus!

> "Sakura?!" I exclaimed, almost dropping the phone.


Kyo: Yukihiro marveled that all of the Sakuras in anime had formed into a 
Borg-like entity and were now calling him.

Sakura: We are the Sakura.  You will be fan-girlinated.

> "You…. Why are you calling me?" 

Kirito: Because you owe me money!

> "…I… I don't know." Pause. "You are the present drummer of Laruku, ne?" 

Kyo: Well that’s kinda weak.  If you don’t know why you’re calling him, 
why do it?  You sounded so weak and wounded saying those lines!  Wimp!!

> "Un. Does that—"

Hyde: Hey, un’s MY line!!
 
> I could almost hear the smile over the phone as he replied. Perhaps the
> smile was bitter, and resigned.

Kirito: Perhaps it wasn’t.  Yukihiro didn’t really care.

Kyo: Tiered of taking fhtagn at its job, Sakura’s smile resigned.

> "I just called you because I wanted to. 

Sakura [anabe]: So there.  Nyah!

> How's your vacation?" 
> "Disturbed, thanks to you," I said. Was he calling just to irritate me,
> or was he calling to test what kind of person I was? 

Kirito [making the "ok" sign and smiling]:  Our assessment… he stinks!

> Even though we both were Laruku's drummer at different periods of time—
> he the past and me the present—

Sakura: Ooh!  Ooh!  I get to be Urd!  Cool!

> we had never met once in our lives. "I was about to fall asleep." 
> "I see," He sounded amused, then, casually, "Care for dinner?" 
> I was not sure if I wanted to, but I replied, "Okay." 
> "My treat, if that's what you're thinking about." 
> "Hey," I retorted, annoyed. He stifled a laughter,

Hyde: Just one laughter.  Not laughter in general like most folks.

> I could hear all these.

[Hyde starts to speak, but Kyo puts a hand over his mouth]

> Then he told me that he would pick me up at eight, so I had better be
> ready by then. 
> Not like I cared, I could have walked away and not be home the time he
> arrived—but I decided to stay. I was in the bathroom with an English
> rock song playing in the stereo

Kirito: Who wants to guess that’s the song the author was listening to 
while writing this?

> which I had installed in my room,

Hyde: …using my 1337 techno skillz.  Most folks are content to just buy a 
stereo and put it in their room, but not me.  I go all the way, man!!  
True symphonic stereo sound waits for no man!!

> when the bell sounded. Hurriedly, I dried myself and dressed, then
> rushed to the door. But there was no one there by then. I heaved a sigh,
> either of relief or annoyance at this prank, and perhaps disappointed
> that he should go away so fast, and—suddenly a hand cupped my mouth, and
> the other hand was over my chest, pinning me against his bigger and more
> muscular form. 
> "I have your key, Yuki," He told me.

[all stare]

Sakura: What’d I tell ya about that paranoia?

Kyo: All respect, but I think you should keep quiet…

> I could tell he was grinning, though I had not seen his face in the
> fading light. 
> My heart beat faster, I was somewhat scared, not knowing what this man
> would do to me, but I contemplated the fact that he could not do much to
> me. He already had his own band—Zigzo, if my memory was right—and it was
> majoring already. Surely, there was nothing that he could do. 

Hyde: Ummm… okay, so his band’s gone major.  That doesn’t mean he still 
can’t beat the crap out of you.  As a matter of fact, a second conviction 
for assault of his replacement in L’Arc would just ADD to his street cred,
bolstering record sales even more!

Kyo: Second conviction?

Hyde and Sakura: We’ll talk about it later.

> But his hand traveled down from my chest, to under my shirt, caressing
> the skin underneath, and I moaned unwittingly. 

Kyo: I see Sakura… [sakura coughs] …FIC Sakura comes from the Kohta 
[Kirito coughs] FIC Kohta school of yaoi: sudden turn on.

> He played with my nipples, making pleasures come into my mind, 

Sakura: As visions of sugar plums danced through his head.

> then it traveled down again to my drawstring shorts, into it, when all
> of a sudden the intense pleasure came stabbing at my consciousness. 

Kyo [psycho violins]: REE!REE!REE!REE!

> It was then that I awoke from the trance of pleasures, here was a
> stranger and he was doing strange things to me. I reached up, while his
> hand got deeper, and my hand grabbed the hand which cupped my face, and
> bit it. He exclaimed in shock, but cupped harder, while I almost felt my
> jaw crack.

Kyo: Ouch!  That’s hard biting.

Hyde: Sakura had been wearing his bronze knuckles that day.

> I struggled against him, and managed to push him away.

Kirito: Yaoi yaoi go away, come back to haunt us another day.
 
> "Just what the hell do you think you are doing?!" I demanded, backing
> away from him, while he laughed lightheartedly. 

Sakura: Oh, hahahaha!  The fact that I was making unwanted advances to you
is just so droll!

> There he stood, dressed casually in black. 

Hyde: This fic’s one correct point of characterization.

> "Aren't you ready for dinner?" 
> I eyed him untrustingly. "What do you want?" 
> "Come on, hurry up, and change. I'll wait for you here," He promptly 
> plunked down onto the sofa comfortably.

Kirito: Oh, fine, just move in, why don’t you?

> I glared at him, and he just looked back at me with a cheeky face.
> 'This man definitely has a screw lost somewhere,' I thought. 

Hyde [scrunches nose]: Isn’t the correct phrase "This man definitely has a
screw loose somewhere?"

Kyo [not hitting Hyde]: Yeah, that is a bit funky.  Must just be some 
local patois.

> I went into the room, and locked the door. I did not feel safe around 
> him. Not after what he had done anyway. 

All: Neither do we!!

> I emerged with a yellow T-shirt and jeans, then, as a second thought,
> brought my sunglasses along. He was standing at the television rack,
> where I had put purikura of me and my friends in a frame—naturally
> including all of the Laruku members, and especially with Hyde—and he was
> holding that frame in his hands. I wanted to call for him, 

Kyo: Sakura’s a call boy!

> wanted to scold him for touching other's things, but I had paused,
> because of a look of longing in his eyes. 

[Sakura stares wistfully at Hyde.]

Hyde: Stop that.

> Then he saw me, and hurriedly set it back onto the television. 
> "Finally, you're done, you slow coach. 

Hyde: Whereabouts I come from, that thar’s "slow POKE."

Kirito: Now now Takarai, no need to discriminate against different 
phrases.  My family uses slow coach.

Hyde: oh, okay.

Kirito: Anyway, I’m sure that’s the last we’ll be seeing of these.

> Where to?" He asked, a natural smile setting back onto his face. 

Sakura: Natural Smiles Inc., bringing you the best smiles for over two 
million years!  Our smiles are made from all natural ingredients, and are 
certified Kosher by the Orthodox Union.  Also try our 100% all-natural
strawberry shampoo!

> I shrugged, "You're paying anyway." 

Kirito: Ohhh, I just flew in from Texas and boy are my arms tiered!
[sakura rimshots]

> Of course it was a silly mistake, I realized after I had said that. I
> could not afford to let him decide so much, what if he had decided to
> bring me to a gay bar, or something like that? 

[all snicker]

Sakura: Der Spanken Haus.

> I could not risk it, what with my popularity. Besides, Hyde would
> probably get hurt from it. 

All: HOW??

Kirito [turning to Hyde]: Yukihiro gets caught at a gay bar.  How does 
this affect you?

Hyde: Not at all.

> "Well, then," He grinned, and grabbed my hand, "Let's go to Seven
> Eleven." 

Kirito: Where does Gojira sit after decimating Tokyo?  …Anywhere he wants!
[Sakura rimshots]

> "What?!" I exclaimed, surprised, but he just said nothing, unlocked the
> door, and got us out of the house. We drove to the nearest convenience
> store, and he got us bentou, canned tea, some cigarettes, three
> six-packs beer, and some packs of Pocky sticks. He seemed to know what
> I liked. 

Kyo: That’s a-because he’s been a-STALKING you!  He had your key, you
dimwit!!

Hyde: I assure you Yukihiro is the very antithesis of dumb.

Sakura: Damn straight.  As a matter of fact… [whispers] He has an
ingenious secret plan to get us all out of here.

Kirito [covering]: Why, some beer?  I’d love some!!

> Then he drove me straight to a park, it was in the sub-urban part. It
> was very dark by then, there were only a few twinkling stars guiding the
> way,

[all laugh]
All: In TOKYO??

Hyde: Maybe it’s not Tokyo.

Kirito: What Japanese city do the fangirls know?

Hyde [defeated]: Tokyo.

> street lamps, house lights, nothing more. The park was beautiful. The
> maple leaves were a fiery red in the day, but at night it seemed so
> strangely enticing. We ate, smoked, and drank under the moonlit canopy,
> and Sakura got really drunk, he spoke strange things

[Hyde laughs]
Hyde: When doesn’t he?  [wobbling, as Sakura] I am Genghis Kahn!

> about his band, 

Sakura [whispering]: Hey Yukkie-san, there’s a subliminal message at the 
end of "Asian Rock."

Hyde [whispering, Yukihiro]: Really?

Sakura [whispering]:  No, just me and my gong, jibbering.  Gotcha!

Hyde [whispering, Yukihiro]: Oh, Saku, you and your trained, exploding 
shark.

> about Laruku… 

Hyde [whispering]: Ken doesn’t wear any underwear.

Kyo [whispering]: With those tight gay-man pants?

Sakura [whispering]: Yes.

Kirito [whispering]: That’s all very interesting, but can we get back to 
the fic?

> I had lost my wits, too, and suddenly everything was beautifully
> illuminated. 

{Suddenly, the scene around the men gets kaleidoscopic like a bad 70s 
movie, and hippie elf chicks start dancing in and out of scene with 
Leonard Nemoy as Spock dancing a polka.}

Kyo: There were shrooms in that beer!

Kirito [dazed, mouth open]: …

Sakura: GAAAHH!!  Make the flashbacks stop!!  [normal] Just kidding.

Kirito [just staring at the room]: …double-you tee eff.

> And suddenly I saw this strange man in a different light, as he
> continued to speak about things around me which I never knew of. 

Sakura: Cranberry sauce, cranberry sauce!  Number nine, number nine?  
You’re getting closer…

Hyde: So you’d get Yukihiro drunk or apparently stoned, and tell him about
weird Beatles trivia?

Sakura: Wouldn’t you?

Hyde: …yes, actually.

> I suddenly remembered the Pocky sticks, which lay somewhere in the car.
> Sakura stumbled around to take it, and back, while I looked up at the
> moonlit sky, wondering why was all these happening.

Kyo: Not a word, Takarai.

Hyde: I’m sorry, I’m too distracted by those color transitions out of 
Mr. T’s "Be Somebody, Or Be Somebody’s Fool" to comment about grammar 
right now.
 
> "Let me feed you the Pocky sticks." He laughed. He held the stick out,
> the sugar-coated part facing me. I reached forward for it, but he
> withdrew it. 

Kyo: DENIED!

> I growled, but he just took the pack away from me, laughing, and made a
> face. 

Kirito: Out of sculpy.

> Well, I was drunk, I suppose……… 

{A bunch of dots float across the screen, transforming into little dancing
flowers.}

Kirito [mouth opens wider]: …mommy…

Kyo: No one’s hear to help you, Murata.

> I tackled him to the ground, reaching for the Pocky stick. It broke, and
> the whole pack fell from his hand, he had squashed it. There were a few
> more in the plastic bag which he had dropped, but I suddenly didn't
> care. He noticed my lack of activity, and stared right into my eyes.
> There was something in those beautiful dark eyes, which had bewitched
> me, I did not know, but he just looked up, and I was immobilized.

Sakura: Sweet!  I’m a cockatrice… or a gorgon, or a basilisk!

Kyo: I get the feeling COCKatrice will be the most appropriate soon.
 
> He threw me off with a flip, and started kissing me. The taste of
> alcohol was thick against my lips, my breaths were ragged, and my mind
> drifted off somewhere, as his mouth slipped over mine. 

Kyo: Ewww, sloppy kisses!

> Then he looked up again. His eyes were unreadable, definitely not lust,
> not love, anger perhaps, but I liked it. 

Hyde: Perhaps ornery, perhaps cantankerous…

> Of all things, I found myself liking those eyes. 

Kirito: Loook into my eeeeyes.

> He continued, down to my neck, my eyes fluttering closed, leaving an
> imprint of the moonlight shining through the canopy in my mind.  There I
> lay, allowing him to do what he wanted. Perhaps it was a revenge.

Kirito: There’s more than one type of revenge?

Hyde: Oh sure, tenchuu, jinchuu…

> I did not know then, but now as I thought of it, it definitely was. 

Kyo: …suuuuure, whatever you say.  Takarai… grammar riff away.

> He lifted my shirt; I felt the chill of the night air against my heated
> skin, and he kissed some more, roaming to explore all that he had to
> himself that night. I could not remember when, but soon he kissed down,
> and his hands unzipped my jeans, pulling it down my legs, while I, who
> had no resistance, lost my mind in ecstasy as he kissed, bit and licked. 

Kirito: Aaand, we have lemon.

> Then there was a warm cave where I resided, and I came in that cave, 

All: ???

{The imagery in front of the men just became seriously, there’s no other 
word for it, trippy.  BAD trippy.}

Kyo: What.  The.  Foocha.

Hyde: This fic has just SERIOUSLY took a turn for the bizarre and the 
macabre all at the same time.

Kirito [whimpering]: …Kohta…

> my mind slowly fading back to reality to see his face, wet with a thick
> liquid, and he kissed me again on the lips, roughly.

Kyo: BLURGH, spooge kiss!!

Hyde: How can you be so sure?

Kyo: Right now, that’s actually the more palletable of options.  The other
ones are ectoplasm and pure concentrate of tortured souls watered down 
with jus de space-time continuum.  I’ll stick with idea that Sakura just 
performed Bukkake.

> He pulled me up by my arm, with obvious feigned gentleness, but I could
> care no longer. I was laid over the front of the car, my jeans dangling
> down halfway when he tugged it off, and I felt his hands parting my
> legs. 

Kirito: oh, it just keeps getting worse…

Kyo: Rule of yaoi: If a man/boy is fallaciated, he must then become uke 
unless he immediately returns the favor to the fallaciator.

Kirito: …I forgot.

> My stomach hurt with all the weight pressed down on it, and so did my
> ribs. 

Sakura [hurt]: I’m not THAT heavy.

> I had difficulty breathing, but I moaned and gasped, the pleasures
> coming back again at a lesser degree. There was not so much pain until
> something, probably his fingers, since the nails scraped against my
> skin, was inserted into my hole, it hurt and it hurt a hell lot. 

Kirito: Duuuh.

> Then the thickness increased, there was more pain, stretching me to the
> fullest, and I had cried; I screamed and cried, drunk as I was, yelling
> for him to stop, even begging him, but he did not seem to care. 

Hyde: Rape.  Lovely.
[Sakura is keeping conspicuously quiet]

> He thrust himself into me, the pain of it most excruciating, but at the
> same time he had apologized in one breath. 

Kyo: Ah, another graduate from the Fic Kohta school of yaoi: "Lube?  Who 
needs lube!?"

> Then there was this warm feeling at the back, before he withdrew, while
> I lay there feeling so tired, but I liked it. 

Kyo: And now an overlap with Rules of Tentacle-rape: After being anally 
violated, the girl, or in this case the guy, will absolutely love it.

> Especially his breath and voice against my ears as he whispered sorry
> into my ears. 

[Sakura makes Vader noises.]

> It still hurt so I did not move for a while, I was exhausted as well,
> and he helped me up. Lit by the moonlight I could see him smirk. 
> The next day, I woke up in the car, still aching, but it was better at
> that time. 

{The scene fades back into normalcy, the actual room coming back into 
view.  Miyavi’s voice came over the intercom.}

     "Hey minna, Miyavi desu!  It’s break time!"  Miyavi’s voice chirped, 
his pseudo-mow-hawked head soon appearing on the screen.
     "Do you always have to say ‘Miyavi desu?" Kyo asked, unplugging 
himself.
     "What do you mean?"  Miyavi asked.
     "You’re always saying ‘Miyavi desu’, it’s unnatural.  Only fangirls
think you actually speak like that."  Hyde confirmed.
     "But I really do, spazz sa!!  Miyavi desss."  Miyavi’s face was
questioning and naïve.
     "Hmmm…"  Kirito mused.  "Tell me, Miyavi, What do you think of
Daigo?"
     "OMG, Daigo is such the hotness, I wanna marry him and have his
babies!!"  Miyavi exclaimed joyously.
     "That’s it!"  Kirito brought one fist down on the other hand in a
pon.  "Miyavi, will you listen to me very closely?"
"Eh?"  Miyavi tilted his head to the side.
     "You are under hypnotic suggestion.  The fangirls have tricked you
into believing that you are their cabana boy.  You must muster all of your
mental fortitude… such that it is… in order to recognize this predicament
and break free of their evil spell."
     "Blasphemy, spazz."
     "For goodness sakes man, can’t you even entertain the notion?"
     "No, for Miyavi desu."
     "Here, let me."  Sakura stepped forward.  "Might as well make up for
the damage this fic has done."
     "By proving that you can be a hypnotic wierdo?"  Hyde quipped.
     "We’ll discuss this later," Sakura whined then snapped into a
mysterious look born of business.  "Look into my eyes, Miyavi."  Sakura
stared directly at the screen soon discerning where the camera was, and
directing his piercing gaze within.
     "Pwetty… eyes… desu…" Miyavi stared, slack jawed.
     "You are under the control of the fangirls, who have you doing their
bidding.  You must break their hold upon you.  You shall do so.  Will you
come back to us to help us, and you, escape?"  There was a long pause as
Miyavi drifted back to reality.
     "What the foocha am I doing here!?!"  The indignation in his voice
proved that Miyavi was back to normal.  Before there could be much
rejoicing, yay, Miyavi winced and his hand flew to his neck.  "My neck… OW
OWOWOWOW."  His ear twitched involuntarily, and his face was soon a mass
of confusion.  "Umm…yes?  Sure?  What do you mean ‘sure what?’  ‘sure
what, Miyavi?"  Miyavi looked questioningly at the men on the other side
of the viewscreen, noticing upon further inspection their rather unusual
state.  They were all mouthing "fangirl."  Miyavi raised an eyebrow then
smiled and jumped a bit.  "Nono, it’s okay!  You don’t have to come in,
Miyavi desu!  I’ll send them part two of the fic right away, you go ahead
and take care of Mana desu!!  Meow!!"  His neck bent without his consent
again, and Miyavi got a look on his face like he had just eaten a dead
rat.  "Don’t worry, I’m getting us ALL out of here.  I’ll talk with you
after the fic."
     The unfortunate men sighed, and adjusted their headsets to once again
experience the fic.

{The scene starts up again, and Yukihiro and Sakura are driving along a
highway; The four men are sitting in the backseat.}

> Sakura was driving, I felt the feeling of dizziness and I wanted to
> puke. Sakura handed me a plastic bag, and I vomited in there. He was
> smirking in the mirror again, and I wondered what was wrong with him.

Kirito: Psychosis, anti-socialism, sadism, and a control complex.  Anyone
else?

Kyo: Stalking?

Kirito: Ah, thank you Kyo.

> Suddenly that smirk came flashing into my mind, I could hardly remember,
> but memories poured in.
> And the painful sensation was enough to serve as an evidence.

Hyde: He had worked out too hard at the gym the day before.

> At the first realization of what I had done with him last night, I
> gasped, looking at him with a furious embarrassment.

Kirito: He should be embarrassed to be in this fic!

> He asked me what was the matter, and continued driving. He did not seem
> to care. Then I thought of Hyde, how I had cheated on him.

Hyde: Ohh, nonononononononononono.  Please no.

> The fact that I enjoyed last night made me feel worse.

All: It should!!

> 'Well,' I thought, 'at least I know how Hyde feels during sex now.'

Hyde: Oh HELL no!

Kyo: Opinion seconded!  Plus, I think that was supposed to be funny…

Kirito: …which it wasn’t.

Sakura [snickering]: Hyde, an uke… whooey, yeah right.

> My headache receded after a while, and Sakura drove me back into my
> house.
> "Hey," He said, but I ignored him all the way.

Sakura: Hey!  Litsen!  Hey hey!  Litsen!  Hey!  Link!  Listen!

Kirito: Damn fairy…

> He sighed, and I went back into my bed to sleep. He went back home, I
> suppose.

Kyo: Either that or he went to hang out with the Hippie Elf Chicks from
that shroom scene.

Sakura: Leonard Nemoy’s the life of the party!

Kirito: That’s illogical, captain.

> That night, I met with Hyde. He did not seem the usual cheerful self,
> he looked tired. I asked him what was the matter, and he replied,
> "Nothing."
> Just as I had expected, I was not feeling too good myself either, even
> though when something happened he would be the one to speak to me first.
> We spent half of the time in silence. He had originally promised to cook
> me curry rice,

All [joyously]: Curry rice!!

> but he had not gotten the ingredients, so there we sat waiting for the
> three minutes to be up while soaking the cup noodles in boiling water.

Hyde [disappointed]: No curry rice…

> Those we finished in silence, while watching some video which Hyde had
> forgotten to return to the rental shop and was probably piling up tons
> of cash.

Hyde [deadpan]: I am enamored with this characterization.

Kyo: Seven days later, they both died.

Kirito: Ringu reference number two; no more.

> Finally, I asked again, what was the matter. Still he said nothing. He
> was not the bratty self he was, he seemed so distant.

Sakura: Ahhh, Brat Hyde; one of the oldest and most popular institutions
of L’Arc characterization.  Accurate?  Not really.  Hungry?  Yes.

> The guilt I felt had not left me, it had gotten stronger by that time I
> was about to leave. Hyde kissed me goodbye and I left in reluctance.

Kyo: Yukihiro could not bear to leave the clutches of Hyde’s magnetic
personality.

> The next day of vacation was much better. Sakura did not appear, and no
> matter how I tried to call Hyde, there was the answering machine, so I
> gave up altogether and relaxed for that day. I was still feeling bad
> about what I had done behind Hyde's back, but I figured that there had
> to be something Hyde was hiding from me as well, and I had a mind to ask
> him what.

Sakura: Here it comes.  Rev up your love polygons of the sickening sort.

> Then perhaps I would tell him about that night with Sakura, apologize,
> and everything…

Kirito: And love him, and hold him, and call him George.

> The week passed by.

[All make Speed Racer transition doodle-doop noises]

> I went back to work, during recording and practicing sessions, Hyde was
> so far away from me.

Hyde [Yukihiro]:  Considering I was like, the drummer and all, and sat in
the very back behind my drumset and, yeah, hey, I made a funny everyone! 
Dammit, laugh!!

> He remained as close to Tetsu and Ken, but he was so far from me. I
> tried to call him, to make him talk to me, but he evaded me with some
> sort of fear, perhaps guilt like I had felt, and I knew something was
> definitely amiss. But he would not tell me, even when we were alone.
> I had almost completely forgotten about Sakura, my situation with Hyde
> was getting so bad. It was paining me to see him so distant, yet I could
> not do something about it.

Kyo: Cheer up, Emo Kid.

> Then one day I returned home, distressed, to find Sakura sitting on the
> couch, waiting for me.

Sakura: I am ninja!!  [the other three flinch.]  What?

Kirito: Surprise fellacio, like ninja.  Let’s leave it at that.

Sakura: Ah, Creative Master.

Kirito [freaked]: You read Pierrot Fanfiction?!?

> "Why are you here?" I asked.

Sakura: To seek the Holy Grail.

> "Because I missed you," He replied, his grin somewhat soothing me.

Kyo: Awww, how sweet. [makes choking noises]

> Then, in a carefree manner, "What's wrong?"

Kirito: Newsflash!  You’re in a yaoific!

> "I don't know…" I shrugged. It would not matter to him anyway. Then, it
> occurred to me, "Have you been keeping in touch with Hyde?"
> He nodded, and then shrugged. "I have. What's the matter?"
> "So… So you knew about us all along, and you—" I accused, angrily,
> remembering that night, remembering my guilt.
> "Yeah," He looked down guiltily, but a smile was hanging on his face.

Kirito: Naughty naughty naughty!  I’m a naughty boy!

> "I didn't expect for it to happen, but you know we were drunk and all…"

Kyo: Oh yeah, SURE, that’s a good excuse.

> "Get the heck out of here. I don't want to see you anymore."

Sakura: Get thee to a nunnery!

> "But you can't deny the fact that that night had happened, can you?" He
> whispered, taking me in an embrace, pressing his lips close to my ears.
> God, I loathed that thing. But it still attracted me.

Sakura: …IT?!

Hyde: Great, so Ya-chan’s a THING now.

Sakura: I feel so… dehumanized.  I don’t wanna be chattle…!

> I shoved him away, to see him smiling a predatory smile.

Kirito:  The Smile went out at night to hunt it’s prey, the rare and
elusive Grimace.

> I did not reply. There was nothing I could say to that.

Kyo: Howabout "Sully Foocha, Wakkinao!" ?

> Then, I asked quietly, "Do you know what's going on with Hyde?"
> He stopped for a moment before replying. "Yes."
> "What's up?

Sakura: WHAZZUP!!

Kyo: Yo!  Dookie!  WHAZZZAAAP

Sakura: WHAZZUUUUUUUU--UUUUUU-UUU-U-UUP

Kirito: Just chillin, drinking a bud.

Hyde: True, True.

Sakura [softly and ueberquick]: DuneHeartArkRayRealSmile

> I need to know, Sakura…" I whispered.

Kirito: Why DO fools fall in love?

> "Go over to Hyde's house now. You'll find the answer."

Sakura: 42.  And for all your information I knew that BEFORE the movie
came out.

> I heard that, and without hesitation, I ran out of the house, hopped
> into my car, drove towards Hyde's apartment… Suddenly my mind was in a
> blank, I dreaded what would await me.

Hyde: Another trippy sex scene?

> I had Hyde's keys in my pocket, and I opened his door. The house was
> entirely quiet,

Kyo: Perhaps TOO quiet.

> except for what sounded like pained moans coming from a room inside.

Kirito: Oh I wonder what that could be. [sigh]

> I stepped close, wondering if, at first, someone was hurting him
> regularly, therefore making Hyde feel terrible…
> I should have known better than to think this naively. The protective
> self inside me had been shattered together with the love when I creaked
> the door open, to reveal a peep of Hyde crawling over someone…

Sakura: Doing his best impression of that freaky woman from Love Flies.
[shudders]  God, I hate her…

Hyde: Encyclopedic knowledge of L’Arc videos is not making me feel any
more comfortable in this room with you…

Sakura: But you’re the one who pointed it out when it was on at the ramen
shop!

Hyde: Ohh… yeah, I was.  Nevermind then.

Kirito [to kyo]: I sense that those two are going to be a continual source
of amusement for me.

Kyo: Pfft, whatever floats your boat.

> I stood immobilized. They seemed too engrossed in their activities to
> notice me, nor did they seem to care, but all of a sudden I felt as if I
> was hit by a tranquilizer dart. Maybe a tranquilizer dart of pain.

[All break out into uproarious laughter]

Kyo: A tranquilizer dart…
Kyo, Kirito and Sakura [as in a B movie]: of PAIN!

> Yeah, that was it.

[Hyde’s still laughing, crumpled over]

> I had never felt so much pain in my life, as my heart had shattered. And
> only because the other was a familiar man, the leader of our band, who
> was supposed to be just a buddy with Hyde…

Hyde [looking up]: Oh COME ON.

Sakura: I warned you.  You cannot fight the force of OTP.

> 'Then again, I also am supposed to be just a buddy of his,' I told
> myself, laughing bitterly. 'I am known this way, to everyone else… Just
> as Tetsu is…'

Hyde: Oh hardee har har har.  Fanservice actually went DOWN in incidence
upon the arrival of Yukkie.

> What had I to complain about?

All: Being in a yaoific.

> Perhaps I would not have been hurt so much, if Hyde had not whispered,
> "I love you, Tet-chan". If he had not said that, perhaps I would have
> disregarded it as the fact that it was probably another one of Hyde's
> casual sex partners.

Hyde [choking]: Ekkk, EXCUSE ME!?!?

Sakura: Ah, so it’s Bratty Slut Hyde.  Haven’t seen him in a while.

Kyo: Damn, Hyde, you’re a…

Hyde: Say "Cock-sucking jizz-whore" and there’ll be only ONE short man
alive in this room.

Kyo: Yes’m.

> But I knew that Hyde was the one to say what he meant; he had not said
> those three words until we were together for a long time.

Hyde [blushing]: Actually, the first time I said them outside of a song
was to Megumi.

Kirito, Kyo and Sakura: Awwwwww.

> Well, I suppose.

Hyde: You suppose what?

> I cheated on him before, anyway. But I wanted to know for how long this
> had continued, before that night with Sakura, before he had started
> acting cold towards me.
> Then, I suppose I had been noticed. Tetsu was the first to notice me,
> he was totally shocked, and Hyde asked him what was the matter. Then
> Hyde looked in my direction as well, and then he knew that he was found
> out.

Kyo: It’s the coppers!!  Run!!

Kirito: You sold me out, man, you sold me out!  Come on, The Cheat, say it
with me…

Sakura: Meh meh meh mehhhh!!

> He glanced back at Tetsu helplessly, then back at me again.
> I supposed I didn't have to put them in the embarrassing scene any
> longer.

Kirito: So I asked the VR to remove them from it and end the fic. [pause]
Shame, I knew it was gonna be no dice.

> I turned, and hurriedly fled from the pain in my heart.

[all make melodramatic gestures and exclamations of ‘oh!’]

> I didn't go straight home, I walked about a while, got some beer, drank
>those, then went home. Sakura was there waiting for me, just as I had
> suspected. But I yelled, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"

Hyde: Hak!  Hak!

Sakura: Hyde enjoys his seeming favorite word.

> He smiled solemnly. "So, you found out."

Kirito [yukihiro, solemnly]:  Yes.  Soylent Green IS people.

> "Yeah, damn idiot I was, too…" I tried to hide my tears. He reached out,
> and held me tightly, and I finally cried into his embrace. I cried so
> much that I had forgotten I was in his arms.

Kyo: Aww, damn, it’s a weepy Yukihiro.

> All I knew was that even though I felt less safe in those arms, that
> embrace was all I had and owned, at the moment.

Hyde: That and the limited edition America Beanie Baby.

> The next day, I woke up with a headache again. I decided to skip
> recording. That was the first decision I made,

Kyo: Considerin’ what a milquetoast Yukihiro’s been in this fic, that’s
neither surprising, nor inaccurate.

> but I did not have that bad a hangover, just made my way to the bathroom
> to discover that I had puked the previous night's contents out, and a
> small headache. Then I listened to my answering machine, there were
> important ones and not so important ones.

Hyde: Yer order with Hankies.com has been confirmed.

Kirito: OH MY GOD, YUKIHIRO HELP ME, I’M AT CHIGARE AND THIRD AND THERE
ARE RABID SPACE SQUIRRELS COMING CLOSER AND CLOSER AND AUUUUUUUUUGH!

Kyo:  Auugh??  Are you sure that’s a place?

> There were two from Hyde, one from Sakura, which I listened to intently
> and replayed again and again…
> 'Yuki… Call me, ne, I really need to speak to you…'
> 'Yuki, are you there? I hope you're fine…' Pause. 'I really need to
> talk to you, please get to me as soon as possible…'
> 'Yuki, ganbare.' This was from Sakura. He had said nothing else, but his
> voice was there, so soft and soothing.

Sakura: Ganbare, my Dear Boys.

Kirito: Basketball anime at it’s finest.

Kyo: At least it’s not about Bread Making.

> I did call Hyde. I told him that I was going over, but I had forgotten
> to mention when. But when I remembered, it was an 'oh yeah' sort of
> thing, I could not be bothered to make another call. Hyde must have been
> fretting about staying at home, I mused.

Hyde: Why does Yukihiro seem so evil and conniving right now?

> Or perhaps, he really did not care, even though his voice was sincere in
> the recording machine. I had set the recording machine on, and just went
> to do some procedures to change my number. So, Hyde could not call in,
> nor could Sakura any longer. I decided not to reveal my new number for a
> moment, perhaps to let myself rest a bit.
> When I went to Hyde's house, it was nearly sunset, and perhaps when I
> left it would be. This time, I knocked. Hyde opened the door, a grim
> look on his face, seeing whom he expected to see. He gestured for me to
> come in.

Kyo [demonstrating]: The gesture, however, was quite rude.

> "I didn't go out because you said you'd be coming over. I tried to call
> you, but I couldn't get through. Been surfing too much?" He forced a
> grin on his beautiful face.

Kirito: When does Yukihiro have the time to go to Maui?

> "No," I replied. "I like my Mac,

Kyo:  AAAhhaha, so Yukihiro’s a Mac man?

Hyde: You do not so much "use a Mac" as "enjoy the Mac experience"…

~Author’s Note: No offense to Mac users.~

> but I'm not addictive, besides, it uses another line. I changed my
> number. Too many people knew about it."
> "……Sakura?"

Sakura: …yes?

> "No, it's another person. That time this fan girl called and asked for
> your number. I figured you would be plenty pissed if I gave it out,
> you'd be telephone-stalked day and night if so. You're the popular one,
> Hyde."
> He smiled. "Everyone has his supporters."

Hyde: coughcoughYeahIKnowI’mDopecough
 
> "I suppose."
> "…I have the ingredients for making curry rice now." He started. "Yuki?"
> "Sure."

Kirito: Scintillating Dialogue.

> He smiled, gratefully this time, and went towards the kitchen. It was
> almost as if we were still lovers, but suddenly he had gone so cold,
> speaking as if I was just an associate.

Kyo: You ARE just an associate!!

> I laughed inwardly, at any trace of hope that I could salvage our
> relationship. It was too late, already.

Kirito: Sucks to be you.
 
> Usually I would watch him while he cooked, but now I did not do so this
> time, as I sat in the living room, flipping through the channels on the
> television. Back and forth, back and forth.

Kyo:  Must… make… hentai… comment.

> Hyde came out some time later, carrying a tray with two servings of
> curry rice. As usual, it smelled nice.

[all chortle]

Hyde: Wierd: it rhymes!

Sakura: "I do not like that j-rock porn.  I do not like it, Call Me
Spawn."

> "Yuki, Tetsu's coming over later." He told me.

Kyo: Ooohhh, owned!

> 'Yeah, sure, go ahead and stab me while you're at it. Tetsu was the one
> you stabbed in the 'Pieces' MTV, not me. The knife killed the beloved,
> right?'

Hyde: Everyone makes such a big deal out of that video.  Frankly, we drew
> straws.  Plus, to use Kirito’s argument from last fic, says who Tetsu
> can’t be my beloved?  Family are beloved, and best friends are sure as
> hell beloved sa.

> "I think I'll leave now."
> "… No, Yuki."
> "Why not?"
> "I… I haven't discussed the things I want to with you yet."

Sakura: You have yet to explain String Theory!!
 
> I waited. Was there anything to say anymore? It was pretty clear, wasn't
> it? 'Whatever',

Hyde: First person to make a Squall ref dies.

> I thought. 'Nothing else could hurt as much as the time I found out
> about them.' I knew that the relationship was gone anyway.
> "Well, isn't there anything you'd like to ask?" He demanded helplessly,
> looking up into my pained eyes. He still seemed so beautiful. Ah,
> whatever.

Kirito: I love Yukihiro’s attitude here.

Kyo [Yukihiro]: Ask me again later whether or not I still care that I find
you beautiful; can’t be bothered right now.

> "……Since how long has this been going on?"
> "Quite some time," He replied. "I wanted to let you know, but I couldn't
> convey it to you."

Sakura: Try passenger pigeon!

Kirito: Find me… a VOLE!  Haschaaaa!   …oh, so Bill’s a vole.

> "Then why didn't you at least tell me? Why were you so cold to me all of
> a sudden?" I asked, tears coming to my eyes. But, no way, I was not
> drunk, I would not cry in front of him.

Kyo: Yes you would, you’re a wimpy boy now.

> "Because I couldn't find the courage to. And because nothing was clear
> then, I did not know about Tetsu's true feelings, also, I suspected that
> I still loved you."
> "But now…" I laughed sadly. "It's no use, isn't it."
> "When Sakura told me about you and him, I thought you were already
> together. And I felt kinda betrayed too."
> "So you hid up in that shell to punish me?"
> "It's a coincidence," He whispered. "I was confused."

Hyde: Miaka

Sakura: Tamahome

Hyde: Miaka

Sakura: Tamahome

Hyde: Miaka

Sakura: Tamahome

Hyde: Mia…

Kyo: What the foocha are you two doing?

Hyde: Oh, just blending in with the hakun Soap Opera dialogue.

> I could not look at him anymore, he seemed so pained, but I still did.
> He was crying. Even though he was usually tough, he was crying.

Kyo: Et tu, Haide?

Kirito: I feel like a visitor to an estrogen convention.

> What a difference this had meant to him. 'Yeah,' I thought, 'Perhaps he
> still loved me then and there.' But perhaps his tears were just to
> convince me.

Kyo: Crocodile tears, Yukihiro, crocodile tears; don’t believe them!!

> What had he to convince me about anyway, I laughed to myself. I reached
> out to dry his tears, those beautiful tears falling down the smooth
> cheek. 'Hyde. His heart was gone and never came back.'

Hyde: Gone, going, gone.  Everything gone, give a damn.  Gone be the birds
when they don’t wanna sing.

> But I drew my hand away as fast as possible, for fear that if I had
> lingered too much, I would be trapped and asked him to stay. I knew it
> was impossible for him to stay anyway.

Kirito: Yukihiro never learned the lesson about not putting your hand on
the stove.

> I left the house. I had not missed the sunset, it was dying everything
> red.

Kyo: I didn’t miss the sunset, but it missed me, and was slowly
re-coloring my wardrobe.

> Hyde did not come after me. Much as I had expected. The sun was a
> beautiful fireball going down the horizon, I thought, the blood of the
> sunset flooding through me, washing all remnants of Hyde and my
> shattered love away.

Hyde: Are you sure that sunset’s red and not purple… as in PURPLE PROSE
MUCH.

Sakura: Tamahome!

> I bumped into Tetsu. He was so beautiful, so perfect in the blood red,
> it was just so him. He had seemed so much like a fire angel.

Hyde: Goddammit.  Over-embellished lionization and OTP do not make good
bedmates.

Kirito: Tears, blood, this thing is full of romanticized bodily fluids.

> All the more I loathed seeing him, such a perfection.

Kyo: It’s okay, I hate perfection too.  We all do.

> He called me, but I had ignored him, and the look in his eyes… It was
> so sad. I could not understand the sadness, but all of a sudden I did
> not quite hate him as much as I would have liked to.

Hyde: This fic is sad.  As in pathetic.

> Sakura was there waiting for me again. When I saw him, I felt a sudden
> urge to break down and cry, just as every time it was.

Kyo: God-Dammit!!

Hyde: Just as every time it was?  Huh?

> Perhaps, it was then, that the seed of love and revenge was planted.

All: BUM-BUM-BUUUUUM!
 
> "What did Hyde say?" He asked, patting me on my back as he drew me into
> a comforting embrace.
> I whimpered. "He's already with Tetsu."
> Then I cried. He said nothing, just let me cry.

Kyo [Cartman noises]: Areek,giggit,diggi,gi… nghaaah!

Sakura [same voice]: Oh Eric, you’re so strong. Mmyes, why, yes I am… Oh
Eric…  Yes I do look good in white.  Oh Eric, I think the man might have a
gun!  Huh wwhat, ohh… oh noo, oh God no!  EEEE! eeeee!!!  Make it stop,
goddammit!! eeeee! eee!!  I want my… cheesy… poofs.

Kirito: WeiB Kreuz English Outtake riffs… now we’ve done everything. 
…how do you know that anyway?

Sakura [raises eyebrows]: How do you?  Plus, I seem to remember someone
doing King of the Hill.

Kirito [sigh]: Point => Sakurazawa.

> When I finally stopped, I was feeling so much better. Sakura was looking
> at me with an unfathomable look in his eyes.

Sakura: Yarr, it be twelve fathoms deep thar.

All: Yyaarrrr…!

> When I noticed that, I backed away. I was so scared. But he took hold of
> my arm gently, and kissed me. He looked at me again, probing into my
> eyes.

Kyo: After the anal probes came the optical probes…  Whoa.  Now that I
think about it, I could be taking about aliens OR this fic.

> "You are not alone, Yuki-chan. You still have… Me."
> Suddenly I understood what he meant, why he had done all these for me.
> But what I did not know was that I had thought I understood, but I did
> not, in reality, I had only fallen into his trap.

Sakura: That sounds more like a YUKKIE-chan type of thing, actually.

Hyde: Ingenious evil plans carefully hidden behind a veneer of quiet
affability?  Aeyup.

> "But, I don't know why. You just knew me.

Kyo: Biblically.

> I never belonged anywhere, not really, then I found Laruku, I thought…
> Sakura, why?"

Kirito:  because of this fic we ALL thought "Sakura, why?"

> "Don't ask too much," He replied, leaning down to kiss me again. "But I
> do love you."
> I let him kiss me, suddenly it did not seem wrong anymore. Suddenly I
> thought I had found a belonging, where my heart could reside without
> being hurt.  Just as I had thought I killed my heart, Sakura had arrived
> and made me resurrect it. You see, that was all part of the plan. God,
> I hate Sakura.

[all look at Sakura]

> He was gone the following day. He just went away, I presumed, and then I
> realized that he had checked my telephone number and gotten it somehow.

Kyo: More potential stalking; joy.  Also, how did Yukihiro realize this?

> I had never felt so good waking up in the morning, but suddenly I was
> able to stand up as a whole person again. Sakura had written a note for
> me, it had only two words. 'Take care'. God only knew how much those
> words meant to me. I was grateful. I kept it aside. I did not quite know
> if I had felt love for him as well, but suddenly I just treasured him so
> much.

Sakura: I’m special.  Like John Barren.

> I called Ken to give him my new number. Then I heard from Hyde and
> Tetsu. 'I hope we could still be friends,' Hyde had said. I pictured him

Hyde: In a boat on a river.

> with a sincere look on his face, saying that, afraid of rejection. I
> laughed.

Kirito: AH HA HA!  Your abject misery amuses me!

> Tetsu had called to tell me about a practice, but I suspected that he
> had meant for more than that.
> Yeah, we were still band mates no matter what.

Kyo: Or you could bail from this seriously messed up band.  Just a
suggestion.

> I met with Sakura a lot those few weeks. Even when I learnt that Hyde
> and Tetsu were going alone to tour Asia I was pretty happy for them.

Hyde: Finally, we have time frame!!

> They would at least have more time to themselves without me and Ken
> being tag-tails.

Kirito: …I thought those weird phrases were gone…

Hyde: …tag-tails?  Does she mean tattle-tails from the travel service or
something?  Tag-alongs?  Is this what the pokemon Slow-Coach evolves into?

> Besides I had some things to do and I gladly did them.

Kyo: The genocide was fun!

> But I was happy, I had my band, my friends, and I had a love.
> Then things went wrong, it just did.

Hyde: Don’t argue, don’t ask how, it JIST DID.

> Sakura started acting coldly and badly towards me. I could not
> understand why he did it, but he was rough, and once or twice he… Raped
> me.

All [wide eyed]: …???

> Seemed crazy?

Hyde: SEEM crazy.

> Yeah. He did. He just did what he wanted to me and he did not seem to
> care if I was hurt, what happened to me. The songs I wrote one day would
> be deleted the next day by some hacker. I did not know why. Then, with
> all the emotional turmoil, I could not even write songs anymore.

Hyde: Again, putting YUKIHIRO’S 1337 skillz on Sakura.  Unless you can
secretly hack into systems?

Sakura: Heck no.  I’m baffled by HTML.

> My friends, my band was still a constant support to me, but somehow I
> had deteriorated inside. I could not face anyone any longer.
> Then Hyde came to visit. He saw me lying on the floor, pained, there was
> quite some bleeding at the back and the front,

Hyde: On his lovely lady lumps?

Kyo: The amount of crying that foocha’s been doing, I wouldn’t be
surprised.

> but otherwise I was fine physically, it was mentally where I was hurt…

Sakura: Damn Mind-Flayers!!  As if everyone’s constant SAN failure in COC
wasn’t bad enough, you gotta bring it into D&D!

> "What happened?" He asked, the look of shock registering on his face. I
> smiled weakly in response.
> "Nothing."
> "You can't lie to me, Yuki," He seemed particularly pained. "Please tell
> me if anyone did this to you."
> Hyde took me to the bathroom and washed me clean, got me rested in bed
> and some hot food.

Kirito: After a while though, sleeping in mashed potatoes became
uncomfortable and stinky.

> Tetsu and Ken had came over in a hurry, but I had shooed them away—what
> I needed was peace. Hyde took care of me, while I was so weak. I had
> never felt such great friendship in my life.

Sakura [genuine]: Yeah, Hideto-san’s that kind of nice person. 
[Hyde blushes]

>Then when I felt rejuvenated, he spoke to me again. I told him
> everything, things just seemed to pour out of my mouth, and I could not
> bother to hide myself behind the mask of a man anymore. I shed tears
> like a real feeling human.

Kyo: NO, you shed tears like a GIRL!  A girl who was hiding behind the
mask of a man, hiding your true weak-willed nature!!

Hyde: You’re being a bit misogynic.

Kyo: Yeah, you’re right.  I officially apologize to the finer sex. 
…Because NO ONE cries that much!!

> And Hyde had not rejoiced at my tears, it pained him. He was at first
> confused, because he was still good friends with Sakura—even though he
> had said that Sakura tried to do it to him a few times, and had
> succeeded twice—but he still could not get over the fact that Sakura had
> the heart to treat anyone that badly.
> Honestly, neither could I. The caring Sakura was gone a long way away
> into the world of monochrome.

Hyde: That sentence was trying to make sense.

> Then he felt angry. He said he would find Sakura and scold him,

Kirito: ohhh, I’ll scold you something nasty!

> beat him up or something, Hyde was real angry.

Hyde: Hi-keeba! [Kirito flinches]

> But I stopped him; it would be of no use. Then Tetsu and Ken were let in
> on the main details, and we got back together.

Kyo: In a nice big orgy.

Kirito: Don't tempt the fic.

Hyde: YO!  It's Ken!!  Finally!

> Hyde helped me get my keys changed—he was the one to give it to Sakura
> in the first place—

Kirito [to Hyde]:  And WHY, praytell, did you give an obviously mentally
unstable Sakura YUKIHIRO’S house keys?

Hyde [Courage]: The things I do for love.  [normal]  Actually, I have no
idea, but that fits with all the love polygons in this fic.  For all we
know, "still good friends with Sakura" could easily translate to "getting
it on on weekends" in this twisted ficverse.

> and replaced with better locks. But Sakura had gotten in once or twice
> somehow,

Sakura: Once again using my mad ninja skillz.

> and I moved to Hyde's for a few days.
> But this could not go on.
> I still loved Sakura, despite what he had done to me.

Kyo: You sad, sad, shell of a man.

> And I wanted to give him another chance. So I called him, met him in the
> bloody old house.

Kirito: Hill House.

> He came.

[all blanche]
 
> "Why did you do this to me," I started straight away. No fanciful words.
> I could not deal with anything before I had finished with this. I had
> asked this before, but was met with no answer. I wondered if this would
> come to an end.

Kyo: Yes, PLEASE let this fic be over.

> He laughed, looking at me with a contemplative look, as if wondering if
> I deserved the truth. "Revenge."
> "Revenge? Why? What had I done to you?" I demanded, looking at him who
> still had my heart, and was shattering it bit by bit.

Sakura: Crunch crackle. Ahahahahahaha!!

> "You stole my band, my lover, my friends…" He laughed softly, once again
> taking me into his embrace, which seemed so cold. "Now I will steal your
> heart. It had been very easy."

Sakura: All your heart are belong to me.

> I stifled a cry, as he sank his teeth into my neck, drawing blood.

Hyde: Aw, dammit, is this a vampire fic?

Sakura: No, but it exists.  Yet again with amazing Cold Cruel Evil Sakura.
Now with Blue Eyes!

> It hurt. At least, I understood the truth at long last, the real dark
> truth.

Kirito: Perrier is Old Roman bathwater.

> "I never loved you, Yuki." He shoved me down to the floor. He did not
> seem to enjoy my pain, but there was such a hatred in his eyes. He
> kicked me hard. I recoiled, there was nothing I could do. I could not
> fight back. Why…? I loved him.

Kyo: Hakun masochist.

Kirito: Ah the beauty of Stockholm Syndrome.

> He pinned me down, and whispered into my ears, the same old words. 'I
> never loved you, Yuki. I never did. This was all for revenge…' It hurt
> the most. I wanted to shut out that hurtful voice, but I could not, no
> matter how I yelled, tried to drown out that voice with my screams, but
> he gagged me with a table cloth he had grabbed off the kitchen table,
> and kept on whispering with that hypnotic quiet voice of his.

Sakura: Sleeeeeeeep.

> I struggled, but he kept me down, he hit me, bit me hard.

Kyo: Kiss me kill me love me.

> There had never been so much blood despite what he had done before.
> There was no instruments of hurting, just him and his hatred. Yeah that
> was it. He needed nothing else. It was that easy to break me, I mused.

Kirito: Mostly because I was made out of porcelain.

> Once again I was bleeding, more than I ever had. Both on the outside and
> inside.

Hyde: Sentence fragments are fun!

> He left me laying wretched on the floor. I lay there for the rest of the
> night, thinking things through.

Sakura: Lezsee… Energy is mass times a constant, the speed of light,
…cubed?  To the i?  I just can’t remember after my long term physical
violation at the hands of a paranoia inducing madman.

> Sakura had not appeared any more. Not in front of Hyde, or Tetsu, Ken or
> anyone.

Hyde: there's that Ken person again.  Who IS he?

> I contemplated the odds.

Kirito: It’s 15/17 on Sea Beauty, and Marshall’s Golden Grain rounding the
corner…

> He lost his old life, and it probably had been hard for him. I lost my
> heart. But hell, I had friends, I had my band, I had my own reason to
> live, which was to create music and to be part of that band.
> Yeah. This was it. Who needed a lover anyway? Who needs to be loved and
> to love?

Sakura [paraphrasing]: The meaning of life is to live, and the value of
life is only as much as the love a person receives.

Kyo: How deep.

Sakura: That fic had you in it.

Kyo: Fic!?  …All of a sudden I don’t wanna know.

> This was a silly thing. I had been alone all my life, I will continue to
> be, but as long as I can live my life truly, it will not matter…

Hyde: As if no’thing real’ly matterrrrs…

> ________________________________________________________________________
> ___________________


Kyo: Damn hakun line!!!

> Owari.
> Thursday, October 28, 199911:15:50 PM
> Hidoko M'A~tsu~moto

Hyde: Dang it, I thought I told you if you spelled her name that way
again, fic…

{The author traipses into the room again.}

> Notes: hey dudes, please email me for any comments, okay?

Kirito [Bill]: Dude!

Kyo [Ted]: Dude!

Kirito: Check out those most righteous babes!

> *beg beg grovel*

{Author gets doggy ears and tail}

Hyde: Hakun cur!  Stop groveling!!

> Well I'm sorry I potrayed Sakura as such a character,

[all chuckle sadly]

Sakura: No, a "character" is usually a personality that’s quirky in a
funny manner, occasionally annoying.  Although annoying, this Sakura was
psychopathic more than anything.

> but to me it just bears so much beauty, attraction and power… I liked
> that character.

Kyo: Which is why we don’t wanna ever hang witchya.  Or psycho Sakura.

> I really enjoyed writing this fic, it almost seemed as if the 'me' in
> this was alive, and telling his story through me. This is what I like
> most. It almost seemed as if I wasn’t the author. Maybe I wasn’t. Who
> knows. Ah well.

Kirito: Ah, looks like the writer’s channeling her apathetic Yukihiro.

> Comments? *beg beg*

All [ok sign]: It stinks!

     Reality stabilized and the four men started to unplug.  Yet again,
the screen beeped to life and the two fangirls and Miyavi appeared on the
other end.  Miyavi’s face had a resigned look on it.
     "Well boys, it’s time for you to tell us what you thought about this
lovely piece of literature," The prep giggled.
     "I’ll start again," Hyde sighed.  "The writing was passably good save
for an incomplete grasp of correct verb formation and a few sentence
boo-boos.  The thing that was really jarring fer me was how melodramatic
the dialogue was.  Men don’t like talking about their feelings; even to
women they love.  Now try two men in love and guess how much spilling of
emotions occurs.  Of course, this is yaoi-fic so I’ll give it a little
lee-way fer emotional outbursts, but Yukihiro turned into a gibbering mass
of salt water.  I KNOW Yukihiro.  He doesn’t cry that easily.  And where
was Ken in all this?  I'm noting a definite case of "exclusive character
syndrome" here, where the rest of the band that is not involved in the
current pairing is ignored.  Also, fer the record, I’M NOT A SLUT."
     "Like Takarai was saying, Yukihiro was a hakun crybaby that made me
want to gag!" Kyo growled. "If that foocha cried one more time, I SWEAR I
was gonna try and strangle his little holographic chicken neck and make
him wish he’d never wakkinao.  I don’t know any of these people, but I’d
guess the characterization SUCKS EGGS and should sully."
     "Well, I’ve made it through another torture session of yours, ladies,
and I must say this one fit right in with the previous regurgitate morass.
This just fits in with the general consensus that ALL J-rockers are
flaming gay, and have no common sense about letting strangers such as
fangirls or the odd possessed bandmate into their homes.  You’d think
Yukihiro would be smarter than that, but considering that in this fic
Sakura was a veritable evil maestro, I doubt it would have helped anyway.
What I would have liked to see actually, even if this pairing were to
continue, would be an author who can write a realistic relationship
arising between two disparate parties."  Kirito crossed his arms.
     "Exactly!" Sakura continued Kirito’s line of thought.  "As wrong as
the pairing may be, I suppose it could be done quite well.  But whenever
an author wants to write about a non-standard or out-there random pairing,
the two lines of thought seem to be either rape or lust-fueled one-shot,
both of which are unsatisfying.  Sex is wonderful and all… really nice
actually, but that something we all know," all nod. "And yet do not want
taken lightly in fanfiction.  There are of course many days when a nice
lemon hits the spot, but that doesn’t work for a non-standard pairing. 
However, whenever a plot is tried, rape, torture, and domination seem to
prevail.  I’ll give the author credit for writing a very involved plot for
this, though.  It wasn’t a one-shot, but rather a fleshed out fic, a weepy
one, but one all the same.  I guess this is a case of close but no cigar."
     "Close to being a really good non-standard yaoi you mean?" Kirito
inquired.
     "Hate to admit it, but yeah, it could have been really good if only I
weren’t such a psychotic maniac in it,"  Yasunori affirmed.
     "You scared me in this, man."  Kyo shuddered.
     "I SWEAR he’s not usually like that."  Hyde put an arm around the
other svelte man, comforting.
     "Hmmm…interesting analysis,"  The goth girl mused.  "You have the
rest of the day off until the next fic, so enjoy your time well.  We’ve
got to see Mana off now.  Miyavi, push the button while we’re away and
make sure they don’t go anywhere."
     "Miyavi desu!"  Miyavi perked up, saluting.  The two girls left, and
he scurried over to the screen. "Guys, I’m sorry, but I can’t get you out
of there."
     "Whadda mean you can’t get us out of there??"  Kyo hollered.  "Just
push the button or pull the lever to make that elevator work, bring us out
and we can all coast away to freedom with Mana."
     "I’d do that, but those two monitor all the activities in this place,
and you have no idea how many guards there are!  They’ve even put a chip
in me, and I can’t leave even if I wanted to.  I’ll try to make your lives
as comfortable as I can though.  There’s just not that much I can do."
     "Okay Sakurazawa, looks like it’s time for you: plan B.  Get us some
nice clothes and let’s get out of here!"  Sakura was already over at the
wall speaking to the shogglings, his tomes and mannerisms frenzied and
distressed.  "Sakurazawa?"
     "The shogglings say that the guards are starting to raid the
shoggoth-hold for more green soapstone.  Untill Mana’s off, and the guards
shift out to lower numbers, the shoggoths would rather not do anything
stupid, and that includes help us escape.  They’ve got elder signs!" 
Sakura gulped and a collective sigh came from the group.
     "Dammit, we’re trapped he’ah,"  Hyde whined.
     "I’m sorry guys,"  Miyavi mumbled.  "I guess I’ll just push the
button then."  Before anyone could shout for him not to, Miyavi dejectedly
pushed the button.


~~SPARKLY!~~

EPISODE LIST DESU!
Ep1: MVT VS Mason
     "Hot Chocolate on a Cold night" by Esmeraude parts 1&2
     Our MiSTing team is assembled, captured by the overly rich fangirl
Mads Mary & Sue.  Hyde Kirito, Klaha and Kyo meet and explore their new
environment.  They subsequently learn to hate Mason, questions, and that
creepy Dr. Takeuchi, and Kyo vows to make his next tattoo read "I Hakun
LOVE Yu ~ Ki!!"

Ep2: MVT VS Fnord
     "Creative Master" by Kei
     Kirito is possessed multiple times, and ends up trashing everything.
Our riffers discover the joy of fnord, and Hyde shows off his mad martial
arts skilz.  And it all ends in a… cliff hanger?  Marvel as Kirito decides
to stay on Kohta’s ass, matching the horrid grammar of Ep1 with the power
of pure KxK squick factor.

~Credits~
Dir en grey and all members fall under sun-krad co, L’Arc~en~Ciel and all 
members and associated members (and this time, that extention is 
important) fall under the jurisdiction of MAVERIC D.C. , Malice Mizer and 
all members fall under the umbrella of Midi:Nette, Miyavi falls under the 
ownership of Phalanx of Swash buckers Company, Pierrot and all members 
fall under the rule of Sweet Child entertainments.  All j-rockers probably
ultimately own and are copyrighted by themselves, and their personas are 
used with only the utmost respect.

The fanfiction "Wierd" is owned by Matsumoto Hidoko aka XZ0ner, however 
upon my earnest attempt to contact her, her email service has denied her 
existence, resulting in me getting a mailer daemon notice that I have 
saved as proof.  If she has found this and does not wish her work to be 
publicly MiSTed, I will be more than happy to make this work disappear.  
No offense is meant to the author.

To complete the legalese, this MiSTing is copyright putti_plush 
( putti_plush@yahoo.com ) who only wishes to entertain and is very open to
comments and criticism as well as personal contact.  This MiSTing would 
LOVE to have a home at any archive or personal site!

~Character notes for the MST3K crowd:  All of these characters, sauf the 
Mads, are based off of real J-rockers.  I have of course, simplified the
complex personalities of real people for this MiSTing Format, and added
a few standardizations of character for riffing.  I have tried to stay as
close to the origional character of the man as possible, and let my plot
additions make sense.  Please refer to episode one for in-depth summaries,
but beware the rumour-infested internet.~