[Web Site Number 9] Mistings Archive Zebeckras in Wonderland Rate this Misting --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MiSTed: Zebeckras in Wonderland "Original" story by nst@fast.net and slrmystie@aol.com MiSting by jenwhite6@aol.com and MsScience@hotmail.com [Setting: the Ghost Planet industries commissary. It is quieter and cleaner than usual. Only a few tables - widely spaced apart - are occupied: Brak and Tansit are at one, Lokar is reading a journal and sipping tea at another, and Zorak and Moltar are drinking coffee at a third. Close in on Zorak and Moltar.] Zorak: [slurps coffee] I'm gonna go nuts. When's the new season begin, anyway? Moltar: [drinks his coffee through a straw] July. Zorak: Rrrrrgh! There's nothing to do around here. Moltar: I got my library of CHiPs tapes. Zorak: No guests to terrorize and devour... Heyyy... Moltar: What? [Zorak looks offscreen in Brak, Tansit, and Lokar's general direction.] Zorak: Why don't we have a little fun with them in The Green Room? Moltar: You sure you want to? Lokar was catatonic for a week after last time. Zorak: Yeah! This time I can finish the job! C'mon, it'll be good for a few laughs. [Moltar finishes the rest of his coffee as Zorak snickers evilly.] Moltar: Why not. [They leave the commissary.] [In Moltar's control room, Zorak is at the control console, pulling the lever over and other, flipping past various web pages. He stops on one.] Zorak: Here it is! Use the PA system to call 'em in. [Back in the commissary. Brak, Tansit, and Lokar look up when they hear the announcement:] Moltar: ["NASA voice"] Report to the Green Room, Lokar, Tansit, Brak. Repeat, report to the Green Room. Brak: Huh! Tansit: What do you suppose it's for? Brak: I dunno. [Brak and Tansit leave. Lokar does too, rather sourly, leaving his paper behind.] [Control Room] Moltar: [reading the screen] "Zebeckras in Wonderland"? Zorak: Yes! Moltar: How good is it? Zorak: Stinky. Reeeeeally stinky. Moltar: Uhhh... Zorak: And it's long, too! Moltar: You know, if you end up killing them, Space Ghost'll blast you. Zorak: Sometimes it's worth it! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! [Green Room] Lokar: No doubt they have scripts for the upcoming year's drivel for us to digest. Brak: Scripts? We got scripts? Lokar: Amazingly, yes. Nobody heeds them, though. Tansit: Except that one time Space Ghost wrote the show. What a hoot! I've never seen anything that bad in my life! Ha ha ha ha! [Zorak appears in the monitor] Zorak: Well, you're about to! [All three turn and stare at the monitor. Lokar makes a dash for the door, but the moment before he reaches it the locks click shut, sealing them inside.] Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I've got another treat for you three! Lokar: [loftily] After the most recent serving of tripe, I sincerely doubt you can find ANYTHING that will disturb my equanimity. Zorak: How about a story five times as long?! Brak: [nervously] It's not by... Zorak: Wouldn't you like to know! Brak: [frightened] Oh no... Tansit: [to Brak] What's the matter? They're just stories. Brak: You haven't seen the comics me, Zorak, and Space Ghost have been reading. Lokar: Oh, stop your sniveling, you acephalon. Zorak: It's NOT by him- Brak: Wshew! Zorak: -but it's bad enough to be! Siddown, you're gonna be here for a *long* time! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! [Control room] [Zorak pulls the switch one more time. Words start to scroll down the screen.] > Coming soon to a fan fiction page near you in 1998... Tansit: There go the property values. > Geary: Hidy ho! This is Geary the frog! Come and watch our new movie with > Splatter-wumpus playing Miss Piggy... Brak: "Playing Miss Piggy". I saw that movie once. > Splatter: WHAT?! I ain't playing no pig in some twisted fan fiction! You'll > just have to find someone else! Tansit: Like you got a choice? > Geary: But Splat- > > Mystie: Oh Geeeaaarrryyy!!! Brak: [singing, to the tune of "Oh Sherry"] Oh, Geary, our love goes on, goes on! > Geary: Yes Mystie, dear? Brak: [singing] Look at me, I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree- > Mystie: I am here and ready for fame starring in my new leading role as the > beautiful Miss Mystie! Brak: [singing, to the tune of "I Feel Pretty"] I feel Mystie, oh so Mystie- Lokar: Will you SHUT UP! > Geary: Oh lordy... > > Sassy: ME ANIMAL!! AGH! EEP!! PEPE!! PEPE!! AGH! GOGGLE! MOOOM!! Tansit: [Elmyra] Ooo, lookit the cute little aminal head aminal! > Mystie: Ahhhh!! Geary, Geary! Save me! Tansit: [Mystie] get me out of this fanfic! Lokar: No, I shan't. You created this squalor, you stew in it. > Lavender: It's just Sassy... Tansit: It sounded more crazy than sassy to me. > Mystie: Shut up... > > Geary: Now Mystie, come here and I'll give you a hug. > > Mystie: Yea! Lokar: Oh, the heights of passion. [stifles a yawn] > (Lavender pulls out a white duck) > > Lavender: Don't worry, dear. I know you're really Darkwing, I'll save you! All: Huh?? > The Muppetless Movie, coming soon. Lokar: The MUPPETLESS movie? Shouldn't a movie title reflect what is IN the movie, rather than what is not?! Brak: Um, this is a fanfic, not a movie. Lokar: Ah, well, that's different. I shan't hold a fanfic to the same standards of logic and consistency that would apply to true ENTERTAINMENT. Tansit: But movies have previews, fanfics don't. Lokar: Silence yourself. The point is established. > Soon to come from Schizo Studios in 1998.... Tansit: I bet this "studios" is a computer in someone's bedroom. > Lavender: Sassy, I don't think we're in St. Canard anymore. > > Mystie: You squashed my sister with your house! You'll pay for killing > Zebeckras like that!! I'll get you my pretty, Brak: Ooo! I want a pretty too! Can I have one? > and you're little skunk, too. Brak: Hey, why you givin' her a pretty if she's a skunk? > Geary: Oh, if I only had a brain, la dee dee dee dee dee dah... Lokar: Oh, is Geary the author then? > Lavender: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Odd! He really > is a wiz of a- Mmmm... Cheez-Whiz. Brak: [singing] He's a cheese ball wizard... > Mystie: I get to play with the flying monkeys!! Woo-hoo!! Flying monkeys!! Brak: Are they gonna fly outta her ear? > Geary: Oh lordy. Typical goofballettes. Brak: I got invited to the Goof Ballet, but I didn't have a thing to wear. > The Wizard of Odd. Mmmm... iodine... Tansit: Iodine of boredom already, and we haven't even gotten through the previews. Brak: [rimshot] Ba dum dum, bissh. > > > > > > > > > > Tansit: Shouldn't the spoiler space come BEFORE the spoilers? > Now available on Mystie's Fan Fiction page, Lokar: The URL of which I'm SURE you have memorized. > a story of > > a young princess and her sad life story with 7 dweebs. Lokar: Here we see yet another nasty habit of the typical fan fiction writer. Brak: Huh? What's that? Lokar: They must write themselves into their stories. > Splatter: Some day my sanity will come... Brak: Sanity comes on the night of Christmas Eve. I put out cookies and everything! > Geary: Don't you mean your prince will come? > > Splatter: No. Tansit: Do you mean "the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince" will come? Brak: Uh-uh, I think she's waiting at a fotomat. > Geary: Don't worry Splatter-wumpus! You're prince is here to save you so we > can live happily ever after! Tansit: Now *that's* a short story. > Mystie: But Geary! I thought you were mine. > > Geary: Um... > > Mystie: Fess up, fan boy. Tansit: What're they talking about, anyway? Brak: Danged if I know. > Sassy: Beep! I am the evil carrot from the other side of my own bottle of > glue. Please save the trees from over the left side of my pants. All: Wha...? > Splatter White, now available. Lokar: Oh, GOODIE. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Tansit: Aw, darn, MORE previews?! Brak: I thought "spoiler space" was for newsgroups, not web pages. > Zebeckras in Wonderland Brak: I thought that was Alice. Tansit: Alice doesn't live here any more. Brak: That's too bad. You could get anything you want at her restaurant. > > > > Zebeckras in Wonderland, Tansit: Ever get that creepy deja vu feeling? > How do you get to Wonderland? Tansit: Turn left at the North Star, then straight on 'til morning. > Over your head and through a can, Tansit: [Oscar the Grouch] Not through MY can, you don't! Brak: Always use the little paper seat covers if it's a public can. > Or just beyond reality. Lokar: Reality: A concept which appears to be beyond the average fanfic writer. > When pots go rolling by, > > We all smoke and get real high, > > And our brains will all fry Lokar: I pray that the authors are not sharing their writing secrets. > Where normals cannot see, Brak: 'Cause they didn't pay the electricity bill. > Where can we be? Tansit: You can be anywhere you think you can, my son. > Where do socks go, > > When they fly away on brooms? Brak: So THAT'S where all my socks go! They fly away on brooms! I thought the dryer was eatin' 'em. > They must go somewhere, > > And I'm gonna go real soon! Tansit: You gotta go AGAIN? I thought you just came in through the can. > Zebeckras in Wonderland, > > Where is the html of Wonderland? Tansit: [King Arthur] Let's not go to Wonderland; it is a silly place. > Over the thrills of Darkwing bare, > > His underwear. Tansit: Darkwing doesn't wear underwear. Lokar: [glares at Tansit] THANK you for informing us of that. > Our story begins as our very own Zebeckras Brak: I don't have a Zebeckras! Or a pretty either! > was sitting around in her usual > t-shirt and jeans attire. She was bored out of her mind Lokar: I feel her pain. > listening to her > sister Kasumi who was trying to teach her a new lesson. Tansit: Wait a minute - Kasumi's her sister? Aren't Kasumi's sisters Akane and Nabiki? Who's Zebeckras? Lokar: I will only say this ONCE. Do NOT attempt to make SENSE out of this. Fan fiction is invariably dreck. Brak: Heyyy, that's not fair! Lokar: Can you prove otherwise? Brak: Um ... not right now. > Kasumi: So that was how they cured all disease, saved the Earth, > accomplished world peace, and made billions of people happy, all before > supper! And then the almighty Darkwing Duck Cult high priestesses said... Lokar: Do I smell a smidgen of self-indulgent aggrandizement? Tansit: [sniffs] Smells like dirty socks to me. Brak: Don't look at me. Mine flew away on a broom! > Zebeckras: *whispers* Oh please shoot me... Brak: It's Zebeckras season! Shoot Zebeckras! Shoot her NOW! > *bang* Brak: Musta been a dud. > Zebeckras: AGGGHHHHH!! I have been slain! Slain! Cut down in the prime > > of life! I am whoa! Whoa is whooaaa!! Lokar: Perhaps we could rein in the histrionics, couldn't we? Brak: When it reins, it pours. Tansit: Year. It pours. Pour Zebeckras. Woe is she. Lokar: You two auditioned to be in this story, didn't you? > Kasumi: Oh, Zebeckras, you're fine. Tansit: [Kasumi] You're so fine you blow my mind. Ze-beck-ras, Ze-beck- ras! > Zebeckras: I am? Oh, I am. I knew that... > > Kasumi: *sigh* Zebeckras, you need to pay more attention to your studies. > > Ranma: Meow! > > Zebeckras: Okay, now who's STUPID idea was it to make Ranma my cat? Lokar: Please, WE are the ones heckling this story. We do not need any assistance. > Ranma: Meow... puurrrr... > > Zebeckras: What a stupid thing to do. Lokar: AHEM, what did I JUST get finished saying?! > Ranma jumps on Zebbie's lap and starts licking her face. Brak: [uncomfortably] Um, this isn't gonna be one of those "eccky" stories, is it? > Ranma: MEOW! > > Zebeckras: ICK! Oh yuck! I wouldn't even let Dan... er, nevermind... > Zebeckras pats Ranma on the head. He purs alot. Zebbie lays on the grass > and starts daydreaming. Tansit: While a guy bigger than her is squatting on her lap. Yeah, that sounds comfy. > Zebeckras: This world is so mundane. Now in my world, everything would be > really weird and insane. My world would be really beefy. Tansit: [thoughtfully] Beefy. I like that word. Beefy. Beefy! Lokar: I wouldn't think you'd know the meaning of it. Tansit: Hey! Just what is that supposed to mean? Lokar: Oh, never mind. It'd take too long to explain. Brak: Beefy, you know, like a big ol' chewy beef log. Mmmboy! > P-chan comes out of nowhere carrying a map. He stops and unfair the map > > to look at it. Brak: 'Unfair the map'? How d'ya do that? Tansit: It's an unfair map! Look! The map is repressing me! > P-chan: Oh my goodness! I'm lost! I'm lost! > > Zebeckras: P-chan! Oh P-chan!! Tansit: [Azusa Shirotori] It's a cute wittle black piggy! What a cute wittle black piggy! Charlotte! > P-chan: No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm lost! I'm lost! I'm lost! > > P-chan looks at his map and glances around frantically. Quickly he spots a > plot hole and jumps into it. Lokar: [drily] A plot hole. What a surprise. > Zebeckras: P-chan! Where are you going? P-CHHAAAANN!! > > Zebeckras looks down the plot hole and then falls in. Since Zeb never wears > a dress, she has nothing to act as a sort of parachute. She just keeps > falling and falling and falling... Finally she falls on her head in a lit > fireplace. Brak: Oh man. That hurts. I used to do that alla time. > Zebeckras: AGH! OUCH! OW OW OW! HOT! Brak: Stop, drop, an' roll! > Quackerjack: Hahahaha! > > Zebeckras: Who's that (looks around) Tansit: It just said up there, it's Quackerjack. > Quackerjack: Hahahaha!! > > Zebeckras: A door? Why is that door laughing?! Tansit: [Quackerjack] Who're you calling a door, you knob? Brak: [Zebeckras] Takes one to know one! > Quackerjack: Because! The old, light the fireplace at the end of the plot > hole! Works everytime! Tansit: I've never heard of 'the old, light the fireplace at the end of the plot hole' trick, have you? Brak: I thought it was 'the old, light over at the Frankenstein Place' trick. > Zebeckras: HEY! THAT wasn't FUNNY!! (kicks door) > > Quackerjack: OUCH! Hey! Brak: She kicks the door, but it hurts Quackerjack? Huh? Lokar: Quackerjack IS the door. Tansit: Nah! Quackerjack's a duck! Brak: Aw, c'mon! A duck's not a door! Is it, Lokar? Lokar: I refuse to serve as an apologist for this pile of incoherence. > Zebeckras: Anyway, have you seen a little lost black piglet? Tansit: No, but take a look at this cute little lost bunny! > Quackerjack: Actually, yes. He went through here. > > Zebeckras: OOH! Let me through! > > Quackerjack: You're too big! Brak: This is makin' me uncomfortable, guys. Lokar: Remind yourself that she is talking to a door. Then it will make more sense. [pause, then speaks in an aside] I cannot believe I just said that. > Zebeckras: HEY!! > > Quackerjack: I'm only a foot tall! > > Zebeckras: Oh, right. Brak: [Zebeckras] I didn't notice that before! Dopey me! > Quackerjack: Why don't you try eating the chocolate winky-doodles on the > table? > > Zebeckras: Oh. Okay! (takes a bite) Tansit: [Zebeckras] Sure, I always eat whatever strangers leave lying around! > Zebeckras shrinks down, down down. Brak: Ahhh!! It's the incredible shrinking woman! > Zebeckras: Okay, now let me through. Tansit: First, you must bring me ... a shrubbery! > Quackerjack: Can't. I'm locked. > > Zebeckras: WHAT?!! > > Quackerjack: Did I forget to mention that? > > Zebeckras takes out a huge mallet and breaks down the door. > > Zebeckras: Much better. Brak: Oh, MAN! She's violent, isn't she? Tansit: I wonder if she's part Klingon? Lokar: More likely, she is one of Black Widow's friends. [all three shudder] > Suddenly, a huge wave swept her into the ocean. Lokar: Through another plot hole, no doubt. > Zebeckras: What the? Brak: You took the words right outta my mouth, buddy. > Zebeckras spots an empty bottle of coo-coo cola floating and climb into it. > She peers her head out and looks around. Lokar: Unfortunately, in so doing she turns the bottle's rim below the waterline, causing it to take on water and sink. The end. > Fenton: Ooohhh, a sailor's life is the life for me. Deedle de dum dum > dum... Brak: Don't Deedle Dee and Deedle Dum come in later in the story? Tansit: Meet the Deedles! > Zebeckras: What a horrible song! I'm stuck in a bottle in the middle of an > ocean with some idiot singing flat!! AGH! Lokar: [Zebeckras] Cast adrift in a sea of rambling nonsense, utterly bereft of any exposition that might inform me of WHAT IN THE BLOODY WORLD I AM DOING HERE! > The bottle floats and floats with the ocean. The waves become very calm. > Soon the bottle washes up on the shore and Zebeckras crawls out. > > Zebeckras: WOO-HOO!! Awesome ride! Tansit: Huh, two paragraphs ago she was *complaining* about it! > Fenton: Oh, backward, forward, inward, outward, bottom to the top. Run > > and run and run some more and never ever stop! Lokar: What, is it election year again? > Zebeckras: What the heck? > > Fenton: You there! Run! Run! And keep running! You have to run in a > > dorkus game, you know! > > Zebeckras: But I HATE running!! Brak: She's a bottle potato. > Fenton and a bunch of animals all run around in a circle and run and run > and just when you think they should stop, they run some more! Running > stupid animals, that's what they are! Brak: I don't have anything to add to that. > Zebeckras: I'm getting out of here!! Lokar: No, you shall not! If we have to endure this, you do as well! > Zebeckras dissapears into the woods. She quickly walks away from the spot, > which she had washed up upon. She accidently trips over a stick, to keep > her self from falling grabs onto Geary's butt. Zebeckras shrieks in terror > and hits Geary really hard. Tansit: Huh? Where'd Geary come from? Brak: And why'd she hit him? She grabbed onto HIM. Tansit: He musta had a really scary butt. Brak & Tansit: [shuddering squeamishly] Ewwww. > Geary: OUCH! > > Chris: OUCH! Tansit: HUH? When did Chris come in? And WHO is Chris? Brak: I don't wanna know if she grabbed his butt. > Zebeckras: What strange persons... Brak: Lookit YOU talkin'! You're the one grabbin' strangers' butts! > Zebeckras stares at the two strange characters before her. She notices the > > name tags pinned to their clothes and reads them aloud > > Zebeckras: Hmmmm... Tweedle Dumb, and Tweedle Dumber?! Tansit: Aw, this is too easy. > Chris: That is excatickaly correct. > > Geary: Yes, exactickaly. Brak: [Popeye] Well, blow me down! Want some spinach? Uck-uck-uck-uck, arf arf arf! > Zebeckras: Well, pleased let me through. I must get by! > > Chris: But you haven't introduced yourself yet. > > Geary: So we haven't even really met. Tansit: Where *I* come from, grabbing someone's butt is a pretty good introduction. [Brak and Lokar look at Tansit strangely] Tansit: What? I'm joking! > Zebeckras: Well my name is Zebeckras, and I'm looking for the black > > piglet. > > Geary: Don't go, we still have to torture you. Lokar: [muttering] And us, as well. > Zebeckras: But I really do need to go... Brak: Well, WHY didn't you use the can back at the beginning?! > Chris: If you stay long enough, we can play full contact golf! > > Geary: Or strip solitare! Tansit: Strip solitaire? Now that's just *sad*. > Chirs: And if you stay long enough, we could play in the Jell-o pool! > > Zebeckras: I really have to leave. > > Geary: Why? Lokar: After the preceding invitations, one needs any explanation? > Zebeckras: Because I'm following the black piglet. > > Chris: Why? Brak: [Zebeckras] I like pork! > Zebeckras: Because I'm curious. > > Geary: Ohhh, the sisters were curious, too. > > Chris: Poor, poor sisters. > > Zebeckras: What about sisters? Brak: Curiosity killed the sisters. > Geary: Oh you wouldn't be interested > > Chris: You're in much too much of a hurry. Tansit: Sounds like good advice. > Zebeckras: Oh, but I'm not! Tell me! All: NOOOOO! > Geary: Okay! The villain and the do-gooder! > > Chris: Or, the story of the Curious Sisters! Brak: I think this was one of the bits they cut out of "1001 Arabian Nights". > Geary: The sun was shining in Agraba, shining with all it's might. Brak: Agraba used to be Agrabah, but then Aladdin and Jasmine left. Tansit: Huh? Did they change the name of the place when they left? Brak: Yup. 'Cause they got the H out of there! Ah ha ha ha! Wshew! > Chris: It did it's very best to make the sand all hot and white. > > Geary: And this is just because it was... > > Geary&Chris: The middle of the night! Tansit: Y'know, I'm getting that creepy deja vu feeling again. > Chris: The villain and do-gooder were walking hand in hand. Tansit [disdainfully] Awfully chummy for enemies, aren't they. > The desert was > wide from side to side, but much to full of sand. "Mozenrath," said the > do-gooder, "my brain begins to perk. We'll sweep this clear in half a year, > if you don't mind the work." Brak: Huh. All this was double spaced a minute ago. Now the poems ain't even printed poem-like. > "The time has come," Mozenrath said, "to talk of other things. Of gloves > and eels and harem girls, and what adventure will bring. And why Karnage is > just so hot, and whether Iago has wings! Baloo, Balay no work today, let's > see what adventure brings!" Tansit: Baloo, balay, I'm on a.f.d.a.! > Geary: But then Aladdin spotted something moving in the sea. To their > > surprise it was two oysters free. Tansit: Two oysters free when you purchase a six-pack of Diddly Squat! And we'll even throw in this Shiny Object! Now how much would you pay? Brak: Throw in a canister of Spaghetti-Os and you got yourself a deal, buddy! > "Why Entropy and Enthalpy!" Mozenrath squealed with glee. "Now sisters, > > come and walk with me, the day is clear and bright. A pleasant walk, a > > pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight." Lokar: Why do I suspect that the script for a certain Disney film is available somewhere in the World Wide Web? > Aladdin: "And should we get hungry on the way, we'll stop and have a bite!" Brak: [ominously] Nuh-nuh-nuh-NUUHHHH! > And Auntie Mirage winked her eye and said, "Go right ahead!" Brak: Um ... who's Auntie Mirage? Lokar: By now you should know not to ask questions like that. > she knew this > was an annoying time to leave the oyster bed. Brak: But ... what's so annoying about leaving an oyster bed? I don't get it! Lokar: [exasperated] You are not SUPPOSED to! If the authors cared one whit about the readers, they would have bothered with something known as EXPOSITION. > "The land is nice, take my > advice, and go over there," she said. > > "Yes, yes! The time has come," the villain said, "to talk of many things. > Of gloves and eels and harem girls, and what adventure brings! And why the > sea is just so hot, Lokar: Ahem. Someone forgot to change "the sea" to "Karnage". > and whether Iago has wings! Baloo balay, come run away, > see what adventure brings!" Tansit: This deja vu thing is starting to get to me, guys. Lokar: This is the *first* thing about this story to bother you? > And so Mozenrath let them out, to play and laugh and sing. But then into > the shadow Chateau, he evilly would bring, the unsuspecting oyster girls to > dine with them that eve. Tansit: [Mozenrath] Now let's see ... I'll set three paces for Eve... > Mozenrath: Well now, let me see. Ah, a loaf of bread is what we really > need. Brak: And a container of milk, and a stick of butter. [mumbling to himself] A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter... > Aladdin: Well how about, some pepper, salt and Jet-Dri, eh? Brak: Why, is the plane wet? > Mozenrath: Ah, yes, splendid. Very good, indeed. And now, Chaos dears, we > can begin the feed. > > Chaos Oysters: Feed?! Brak: Wasn't the Chaos Oysters what Sonic the Hedgehog was trying to get all through that video game? > Mozenrath: The time has come my little friends, to talk of food and things! All: NOOO! NOT AGAIN! > -Meanwhile, in the kitchen- All: Whew. > Aladdin: Some pepper corn, mustard seed, and other seasonings. We'll mix > them all together in a sauce that's fit for kings! Brak: Nuh-uh, that's not how you cook seafood! It goes like this: [singing] Les poissons, les poissons, how I love- > Baloo balay we'll eat > today, that's what adventure brings!! *whistles* Lokar: STOP REPEATING THAT INFERNAL POEM! > Mozenrath: I weep for you... I... *hic* oh, excuse me, I sympathize, for > I've enjoyed your company all too much. Brak: Huh? Did we skip something? > Aladdin: Little Chaos? Chaos Oysters? > > Geary: But sadly there came none. > > Chris: And the reason for that was... > > Geary&Chris: They'd been eaten, everyone. Tansit: Hey! Whatta gyp! They didn't get eaten! Aladdin didn't even cook 'em yet! Brak: Maybe they were oyster sushi. Sister sushi. Or something. > Chris: Mozenrath smiled nervously, and said, "the time has come!" And out > the door and down the beach he ran away from, Aladdin chasing angrily for. Lokar: This is the Grammar Police. Do you have any notion of the proper use of prepositions? > Geary&Chris: That's what adventure brrrinnngggsss!!! The End. > > Zebeckras: That was a very pathetic story. > > Chris: Yes, and there's no point to it. Lokar: Haven't I said twice before that we are quite capable of handling the heckling ourselves? > Zebeckras: Yes, no point at all. Well, now I really must be going... > > Geary: No! Another story!! This one is called Splatter White and- > > Zebeckras: No more!!! PLEASE!! No more!! Brak: What she said! > Zebbie runs into the forest covering her ears and screaming her head off. Tansit: If she didn't, I was gonna. > She slows down and walks on a path wondering where it leads to. Eventually, > she comes to the end of a forest and sees a light. She looks around and > spots a cozy little cottage not too far away. She walks to the cottage gate > and ponders to herself. Tansit: [chanting] Ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder- Brak: Streak! Streak! > Zebeckras: I wonder who lives here... > > P-chan: Akane! Oh Akane! Where is that girl... Akane! Tansit: Wait a minute! Akane is Kasumi's sister! So that makes Zebeckras Nabiki! Maybe we can PAY her to stop the story! Brak: [rummaging through his pockets] I got fifty-two cents and a bus token! Lokar: [muttering to himself] If I had pockets, I'd be searching them as well. Desperation is truly a powerful motivator. > Zebeckras: Excuse me, I- > > P-chan: Why Akane! Where have you been! Go and get my umbrella! Go go go! > I'm lost! Get my umbrella! Brak: Yeah, an umbrella's what I always need when *I* get lost. > Zebeckras: But I'm not Aka- > > P-chan: GOOO!! Get my umbrella!! Tansit: But P-chan sleeps with Akane! - Brak: EWWWWWW! Tansit: No, he's her pet! But now he can't tell Akane from Nabiki? Lokar: All anime women DO look alike. Tansit: [indignantly] They do not! Lokar: Otaku. > Zebeckras: Yikes, I suppose I'll be taking orders from Ranma next. Brak: [Ranma] Yo, Zebeckras! I want two tacos, an order of nachos, and some cinnamon twists to go. > Zebeckras walks into the house and up to the black piglet's room. She > begins to search through his things. Tansit: What kind of "things" does a piglet have? > Zebeckras: Now if I were a piglet, where would I keep my umbrella? Brak: Right behind your back, like you had the mallet you smashed that door with? > She spots a box that reads "eat me" and opens it up in curiosity. She spots > chocolate winky doodles inside. > > Zebeckras: Mmmm.... chocolate. Yum! > > She takes a bite and grow to a gargantuan size. That's what happens when > you eat too many sweets. ;) Brak: But if you put it in coffee you'll get smaller. Tansit: Why? Brak: Ever heard of Sweet 'n Low? > P-chan: AHHHHH!!! There's a monster in my house! A giant! AHHHHH!!! > > Zebeckras: Oh lordy. > > P-chan: Help! There's a monster in my house, Gizmo. > > Zebeckras: Gizmo? Brak: [Gizmo the mogwai] Bright light! Bright light! > Gizmo: Well now, little Gizmo buddy, it couldn't be that bad... ACK! A > MONSTER!!! Brak: [singing] C is for cookie, that's good enough for me. > P-chan: Told you. Now get rid of it!! > > Gizmo: Hmmm... to get rid of it we need a... a... Brak: A policeman! Tansit: A big flit gun! Lokar: A delete key. > a lizard with a > paintbrush! Oh Camille! [All are quiet for a moment.] Tansit: Well ... that's original, at least. > Camille: Yes? > > Gizmo: I need you. > > Camille: Well, I'm $15 the first hour, $5 for each additional hour... Brak: Hey, that's pretty cheap! Wonder if she can paint my place? Lokar: She's not - oh, forget it. > Gizmo: No! No like that! I need you to help me out. > > Camille: Of your pants? Tansit: Huh? What? Eww! > Gizmo: NO! I need you to get- > > Camille: Some Reddi-Wip to cover you in? I always keep a can handy! Brak: Uh, guys, this is making me feel icky inside. Tansit: You're not the only one. > Gizmo: AGH! Okaay... um, paint a ladder, get that other girl out, and I'll > meet you upstairs. > > Camille: Want me to wrestle around with her in a bikini first? Brak: [unhappily] I don't like this story. Lokar: This trek into the authors' psyche is becoming quite an adventure indeed. > Gizmo: NO! Just get her out!! > > Camille: Okay, okay. Lemme just figure out how to get this darn paintbrush > to work! Brak: Ya got it plugged in? > Camille proceds to splash paint all over trying to figure out exactly how > the paintbrush works. She tries to draw a ladder, but instead winds up > drawing a rocket, which then ignites and sends Camille flying into space. Tansit: Hey, why's Camille Chameleon trying to paint things? Wasn't that Splatterphoenix's bit? Brak: Huh! I didn't think of that. Lokar: After all we've read, are you *truly* concerned with characterization? > Gizmo: Welp, there goes Camille... > > P-chan: Poor Camille... Lokar: Poor red herring. Poor superfluous plot tangent. Brak: We hardly knew ya. > Zebeckras- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > > P-chan: Well, now what? > > Gizmo: We'll burn the house down! Brak: [singing] Burnin' down the house! > P-chan: Um, okay... WAIT! No! Um... > > Gizmo: We'll burn the house all down, down into the ground! > > Zebeckras: But you'll burn me, too! Tansit: [Gizmoduck] What's your point? > P-chan: So? Tansit: Yeah, so? > Zebeckras: You can't kill me! Tansit: You can do anything if you think you can, my son. Lokar: Ahem, we already used that joke once before. Tansit: Oh, get off my back! You can't do any better! > Gizmo: And why is that? > > Zebeckras: Because... because... I'm speshil!! Lokar: [aghast] 'Speshil'?! > Gizmo: How so? > > Zebeckras: Well... I'm a very rare breed of... me! Brak: She got a "Best in Breed" certificate to prove it. > P-chan: Kill her anyway. Brak and Tansit: [chanting] Kill her anyway! Kill her anyway! Lokar: My, aren't we the bloodthirsty mob today. Tansit: If they kill her now, we won't have to sit through the rest of this story. All: Kill her anyway! > Zebeckras: You can't! I'm the last of the very rare breed of Me! I'll > become extinct! > > At this moment, a huge group of animal rights activists storm into the > scene. They carry huge signs and hold them high up bravely shouting things > like, "Save Zebeckras!" They form a wall around P-chan's house. They rant > and rave, determined to set the Zebeckras free! > > P-chan: what are you doing? > > Activists: Let Zebeckras free, the rare breed of Me! > > Gizmo: Well how do you plan on doing this?! > > Activists: Let Zebeckras free, the rare breed of Me! Lokar: [quietly] I am *shocked*. Brak: Huh? That all these activists came outta nowhere? Lokar: No. I'm shocked that the writers substantially deviated from their plagiarism for a moment. > Zebeckras: Ohhhh, this is silly. Lokar: It is my pleasure to present the Understatement of the Year Award to Zebeckras. > The activists break down P-chan's house piece by piece. Zebeckras is free. > The activists give her a glass of Mountain Dew to drink. She takes it, > gulps it down, and shrinks even shorter than she normally is. Tansit: Y'know, I get the feeling that if you handed her a bottle of floor wax, she'd drink it. > P-chan: Oh my goodness goodness! I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost! Lokar: Apparently he has forgotten that this scene is set at HIS OWN HOUSE. > Zebeckras: Wait! P-chan! Wait for me! Brak: Y'know, she's got "stalker" written all over her. > Zebeckras runs into the forest after P-chan and gets her self lost. Brak: Looks like she's been around P-chan too much. Gettin' lost is catching. > What > appears to be a jungle that she's walking into, isn't a jungle at all. It's > a flower garden, and a very beautiful one at that. Brak: Well, if ya gotta get lost, ya might as well do it somewhere pretty. > But since Zebeckras was > shrunk so drastically, a little flower garden seemed like a mighty jungle. > So she gets lost very easily inside. > > Zebeckras: DAMMIT! WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!?! Brak: Potty mouth! There are KIDS readin' this, ya know! Lokar: [to Zebeckras] Whilst I understand your impatience, and even sympathize to some degree with your confusion ... oh, bugger it all, I don't bloody know either. > Wendy: Welcome to our garden! Brak: [singing] We got fun and games! Lokar: Yet another incidental character appears with no introduction and will most likely disappear from the narrative as soon as is convenient. Tansit: It's Wendy the Good Little Witch! Wonder if Casper will show up? > Zebeckras: Oh hello! My name is Zebeckras. > > Wendy: Hi! I'm the head Mozekateer. Lokar: And that's all the introductory exposition you will get from me! Tansit: What's a Mozekateer? Brak: I hear they wear funny turbans and dance around in the desert and do weird ceremonies worshipin' Mickey Mouse. > Zebeckras: Yeah, hi, so did a black piglet come by here? > > Wendy: Wanna hear a song? Brak: I do! I like to sing! Lokar: [to Brak] Is that what you call it? > Zebeckras: No. Brak: Aww... > Wendy: Too bad. We shall sing "Disney Afternoon" Lokar: Ah, yes, I knew it was about time for another incidental character to become thoroughly annoying. > Mozekateers: All the fan boys and fan femmes get together, Lokar: The trouble begins right there: Put fan boys and fan femmes together and they're sure to beget fan babies, thus ensuring the continuation of the vicious cycle. Brak: I thought the giant bird of Tranzor brought babies. Tansit: No! You order 'em from the hospital! > To watch Mozenrath and other toons. > > There's "One Saturday Morning" cartoons, > > In the Disney Afternoon. Tansit: Morning cartoons in the afternoon? > Mozenrath is being chased down the hillside, > > By a bunch of fanfemmes that are loons. Brak: [Pot] Kettle! Hey, Kettle! You're black! > And Launchpad loves Beth Webfoot, > > In the Disney Afternoon. Tansit: Wait. Beth Webfoot wasn't ever in The Disney Afternoon! Lokar: Don't tell me that you watch those shows. Tansit: So what if I do? [Lokar shakes his head.] > The Disney Afternoon. Brak: D'ya ever get that creepy- Lokar: YES! Now SHUT UP! > There are duck and kitty mutants Brak: Mutants!? Tansit: There weren't any duck and cat mutants, either! Lokar: [tiredly] Congratulations on discerning a factual error in this story, Tannie. Perhaps next you will find us a STRAW in a HAYSTACK. > That make Mozenrath peeved Lokar: Who *is* this Mozenrath character everyone seems to be infatuated with? > And the crazy fan femmes love the very Brak: I dunno, but I wish I had girls after me like he does. > Tortured life Moze leads. Brak: Then again, maybe not. Lokar: I feel his pain. > You can learn a lot of things from the perverts > > That draw all of those Splatter nudes. Brak: Ew! Who wants to see a duck with no clothes on? Lokar: Someone profoundly disturbed indeed. > There's no wealth or knowledge in Bonkers, Tansit: Or entertainment, either. > All in the Disney Afternoon. > > All in the Disney Afternoon, the Disney Afternoon! Tansit: In the what again? > Zebeckras: You can't learn anything whatsoever, > > From the Mozekateers and all those fools. > > Moze has no wealth or romance, Lokar: Somehow I don't believe she's getting into the spirit of the song. > All- > > Mozekateers: in the Disney Afternoon > > LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA! > > *cymbal crash* Tansit: Hey! Launchpad's flying the cymbal! Lokar: Well, Launchpad IS a cymbalton. Brak: Hey! You made a pun! Lokar: [muttering, ashamed] This story is destroying my mind. > Zebeckras: Moze is such a loser! Brak: Uh oh... Tansit: She's never heard of General Custer, I bet. > Mozekateers: WHAT?!? > > Wendy: What kind of Mozekateer are you?!? Tansit: She's a Zebeckras Mozeketeer! They're very rare, y'know. Brak: Looks like they're about to get one rarer. > Zebeckras: I'm not! Moze sucks! He's such a big loser. > > Wendy: AGH! LIAR! > > Zebeckras: I AM NOT A MOZEKATEER! Brak: I knew it! There's gonna be a fight! Tansit: Twenty bucks on the one in the funny-lookin' turban. Brak: Yer on! > Wendy: Get her girls! Kill her! > > Everyone chases Zebeckras out of the flower garden. Then Zebeckras walks > farther on. Lokar: And exactly what just happened? I'm lost... Brak: And you're not even P-chan! > Lar: AEIOUandsometimesY... AEIOUandsometimesY... AEIOUandsometimesY... Lokar: Y indeed. Tansit: Y ask Y? > Zebeckras walks up to a caterpilLar, who, at the time, is painting letters > and chanting. Brak: Gee, most people write letters. Sending paintings must take a lotta postage. > Lar: Whooo R U? Tansit: [Zebeckras] Zebeckras M I, and I'm from Fangirls R Us. > Zebeckras: Why, I'm Zebeckras. But I'm not really myself, because I've > changed so much. But no one else is me, so I am myself, do you see? > > Lar: I do not C. Whooo R U? Brak: F u cn rd ths, u cn b a shrthnd sctry & ern hi pa. > Zebeckras: I don't know! If I was me, I would not be so confused, but if > I'm not me, who is? Everything is just so confusing you know. > > Lar: I do not know. > > Zebeckras: Well, I... > > Lar: Recite. Lokar: Or, emulate the writers of this story and plagiarize. > Zebeckras: Hm? Oh, um, there once was a man from Venus... > > Lar: STOP! I will tell it to you correcitecically. It goes: Tansit: And doesn't come back. > How does the little mallard make his ego shine, > > Lavender Feline grins cheerfully and eagerly builds his shrine. Lokar: Oh, how proud he must be to have associates of such high caliber. > How mysteriously he flaps his cape > > Saving citizens from evil and rape. Brak: [shocked] Huh! I musta missed THAT episode! > Behind his purple costume he hides, > > Then home in the Ratcatcher he rides. Tansit: Sounds like someone else we know, 'cept it's a white costume and a Phantom Cruiser. [All three snicker] > Zebeckras: Well, that sure is some interesting poetry. Lokar: No, it is not. > Lar: I know. I improoooved it. Brak: Eat mor chikin! > Zebeckras: You improved poetry? Lokar: Hardly. The *original* was amusing. > Lar: Yes. How do U like it? > > Zebeckras: It sounded nice to me. > > Lar: U? Whooo R U??? Brak: Y'ever get this creepy- Tansit: [to Lar] Turn the page, ya fathead! > Lar splashes paint around and a lot of it lands on Zebeckras. She becomes > furious that her clothes are covered in paint and storms off. Tansit: Don't go away mad! Just go away! > Lar: You there! Wait! Girl! Come back! I have something important to tell > you! > > After Zebeckras had quickly stormed off she turned around and goes back. Brak: [Zebeckras] All right, but if I read one more flame war, I'm leaving for good this time! Tansit: Promises, promises. > Zebeckras: *sigh* What could he want now? > > Zebeckras finds the caterpilLar laying upside down on a large mushroom and > painting circles. Brak: Um, if he's laying upside down on top of a mushroom, what's he painting on? > Zebeckras: What is it? > > Lar: Keep your temper. Lokar: Sound advice which some we know would be well advised to heed. Tansit: They never do, though. Lokar: Sadly true. > Zebeckras: WHAT?! YOU CALLED ME ALL THE WAY BACK HERE TO TELL ME THAT?! > Well, you know what you can do? You can just kiss my... Brak: [quickly] Foot! > Lar: That's not all. I want to know, exacitacically, what is your problem? Tansit: [Zebeckras] Well, y'see, I'm stuck in this horrible story, except it's not a story, it's just a ripoff- > Zebeckras: I would like to be a little taller. > > Lar: Y? Brak: Because we like you! > Zebeckras: Well, three inches is a horrible height. Worse than what my > normal height is... Tansit: Three apples tall? > Lar: Well I am exacitacically three inches high, and it is a very good > height indeed!! Lokar: Listen. Do you hear that sound? Brak: What sound? Tansit: Lewis Carroll doing the uneven parallel bars in his grave? Lokar: Exactly. > Lar splashes paint all over the place. Zebeckras turns around. When the > splattering of paint stops, she looks back and Lar isn't there. She looks > up and there is Lar as a butterfly, flying above her. Lokar: Yet, strangely enough, that is one of the more logical bits of narration in this story. > Lar: I have a few more helpful hints. One mushroom side will make you grow > taller, the other side will make you shorter. Tansit: And the middle will make you see pretty colors. > Zebeckras: Ewe, mushrooms. I don't wanna eat them! Brak: Ewe mushrooms, yuck. Sounds like meadow muffins for sheep. > Lar: WELL TOO BAD! > > Lar flies off. Zebeckras pulls a piece off each side. She takes a bite off > one piece. Suddenly, she becomes very tall and grows taller than the trees. Lokar: This section of the story was sponsored by the Redundancy Bureau of Redundancy. > Zebecrkas: WOW! This is sooo cool! I'm taller than Geary! Yes! Oh cool! Tansit: [Zebeckras] But now how will I grab his butt? > Zebeckras looks at the other piece of the mushroom. > > Zebeckras: I really should go back to my normal height. *sigh* Oh well. > > Zebeckras shrinks back to her normal height. Lokar: Let us all bask in awe at the craftsmanship of this narrative. All: "Awwww." [The words scroll off the screen. When they disappear, Zorak's image reappears.] Zorak: Enjoying yourselves? Brak: This story is a gyp! Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Tansit: What happens next? [Brak stares at Tansit in amazement] Zorak: What happens next is you get to read the SECOND half of the story! Lokar: Ah, good. [Brak and Tansit stare at Lokar in amazement] Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-huh? Lokar: In the interim between seasons of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" there is little opportunity to remind one's self of the basic inferiority of the masses. That this work was written, and even published to the internet for all to see rather than committed to the rubbish bin it so richly deserves, provides ample affirmation. [Control room] Moltar: He's got you there. [Green Room] Zorak: Well - here's the rest of the story! Choke on it! [Zorak disappears from the screen, and words begin scrolling again.] > She walks into the forest. She > passes a lot of signs that say things like "this way is right" and "this > way is left but it is right too" Soon, she begins to hear singing. Tansit: See she walk. Walk, she, walk. > Mirage: 'Twas Mozey ate a slidey toad, Brak: Oh, they're back at the oyster bed. Tansit: Oysters and toad legs for dinner. They must be in France. > With Drake and Gizmo in the way. > > Ameabas in the waterhose, > > And Geary is gay. Tansit: So what? > Zebeckras: Now what could that be? Lokar: Utter nonsense? > Mirage: Hello! > > Zebeckras turns around to see the Cheshire Cat curled up in a tree. Brak: Nah. She's a Cheshire CLAM. Remember back at the beach? Tansit: I saw that one! With Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello! > Zebeckras: MUST you sing like that?! It's very annoying... Lokar: By now you ought to be thoroughly inured to it. > Mirage: All the more reason! Eh hem... Second chorus! > > 'Twas Mozey ate a slidey toad Brak: Ew! And I thought oysters were gross! > with Drake and Gizmo in the way. > > Zebeckras: SHUT UP! Tansit: Yeah! Shut up! > Mirage: No! Amoebas in the water hose, > > And Geary is gay! Tansit: *SO?!* > Zebeckras: Are you quite done? > > Mirage: For now. > > Zebeckras: Well, could you please tell me how to get- > > Mirage: Where? Brak: To Sesame Street. > Zebeckras: I don't know, maybe somewhere with a good Anime section and free > popcorn... Brak: Is there a "Moovies" franchise in Wonderland? > Mirage: Well, I'm off... Tansit: -key. > Zebeckras: No! Don't go! > > Mirage: Why? > > Zebeckras: Where do you recommend I go? Lokar: How about going straight to-- Brak: [interrupting] Hey! Whoa! Lokar: What? I was only going to suggest she go straight to the end, thusly hastening the end of this rubbish. Brak: Oh. > Mirage: Well, there's always Mad Mystifier... Brak: But he's booked in Vegas now. > Zebeckras: Um... no thanks... > > Mirage: Well there's also the March Feline. > > Zebeckras: Yes, that sounds better... > > Mirage: But she's mad too... Brak: At least, she has a big chip on her shoulder. > Zebeckras: Is everyone here mad?! > > Mirage: Yes. Brak: If I was stuck in this story, I'd be ticked too! > Zebeckras: Well, I suppose I'll go see the March Feline. Maybe she won't be > so mad since it's not March. > > Mirage: Don't count on it. Brak: [The Count] One! One March Feline! Ha-ha-ha-ha! [Lightning flashes. Tansit and Lokar look around, alarmed.] > Mirage disappears. Zebeckras wandered down the path that led to March > Feline's house. Finally, she got there. Tansit: Huh! She finally got somewhere without getting lost! > In the front was a large tea table set up. Behind that was a giant statue > of Darkwing Duck. Behind that was the wierdest of all, a lavender house > with whiskers and large cat ears on top. Brak: Hey, it's Pee-Wee's Cathouse! > Zebeckras: I suppose I should knock... > > She went to the door to find there was a doorbell, she pressed it, and > instead of the usual "ding dong" there was a lot of meowing, similar to > that of a Meow Mix commercial. Tansit: I bet I know what her car horn sounds like. > Mad Mystifier: It's no use, because we're out here, you know. > > Zebeckras spun around to see two people at the tea table that weren't there > before. Tansit: Suuure it wasn't. Lokar: Mayhap someone's been overindulging in mushroom cuttings. > March Feline: Duhhhh, if we're out here, why ring the doorbell? Brak: What's the "duh" for? Lokar: It's to signify stupidity. Brak: Huh! I never needed to say that! I'm stupid, and everyone knows it! Lokar: True. You have raised idiocy to an art form. Brak: [proudly] Yup, BUDDY! > Mad Mystifier: Maybe she's lost. > > March Feline: Another one of those? Weird enough seeing a black piglet > running around lost, but now her. > > Zebeckras: You saw P-chan? > > Mad Mystifier: Who's P-chan? > > Zebeckras: The lost black piglet! > > March Feline: What piglet? Brak: Who's on first? Tansit: Who's not on first. What's on first. Brak: That's what I asked. Who's- Lokar: STOP IT! > Zebeckras: THE ONE YOU SAW!! > > Sassy: CHAINSAW?! WHAT CHAINSAW?! AHHH! MUST USE MY NATURAL DEFENSE SYSTEM! > > Sassy sprays everyone. Tansit: [sniffs] CK, isn't it? Brak: Smells like Cartoon Planet. Woo-wee! > Mad Mystifier: It's ok, there's no chainsaws. > > March Feline: Sassy... did you have to?! > > Zebeckras looks at the skunk popping out of a yellow kettle. Shrugging her > shoulders, she sat down at the tea table. Brak: Ew, waitaminnit, that was a SKUNK sprayin' us? Whoa boy, I'm glad they didn't tell us 'til now! > March Feline&Mad Mystifier: NO ROOM!! NO ROOM!! > > Zebeckras: There's PLENTY of room! Brak: There was plenty of MUSHroom 'til Zebeckras ate it all! Ha ha ha ha ha! > Sassy: WAAAH! She's squashing Spud!!! Brak: Mmm! Mashed potatoes for tea! > Zebeckras jumps up. > > Zebeckras: What?! > > March Feline: Well, Spud, Sassy's invisible friend is sitting there. Next > to him is Spew, his evil twin. Tansit: Hey, lemme show you my bunny Harvey! Brak: [Big Bird] Ohh, Mr. Snuffalupagus! > Mad Mystifier: Look out, he's a pervert. Lokar: Ahem, that's per-VECT. > March Feline: In the rest of the chairs is Spud's extended family. Brak: Quick, someone say "I yam what I yam!" Lokar: Hush, don't make truffle. > Zebeckras: Okayyy... Why are you having tea anyway? > > Mad Mystifier: What's tea? > > March Feline: We're drinking Mountain Dew and- > > Mad Mystifier: eating shrimp and meatball pizza with PEZ for dessert! Tansit: Are they having a baby shower? > Zebeckras: eeeewwwww... > > March Feline: Because it's Spud's un-birthday! > > Zebeckras looks at the empty chair and a large sweat drop appears on the > back of her head. All: Uuuuugh. Lokar: What a particularly unwholesome image. > Zebeckras: What's an un-birthday? > > Mad Mystifier: Well, it's very simple, see, there's 365 days in a year, no, > um, I remember doing the Time Warp, and uh, it's um, a day that's not your > birthday! > > Zebeckras: Oh! Well then it's my un-birthday too! Brak: Hey! That means it's mine too! Tansit: Mine, too! What a coincidence! Lokar: [drily] This is truly a day of revelations. > March Feline: It is? > > Mad Mystifier: It is?! > > Mystie&Feline: Well a very merry un-birthday, to you! > > Mystie: To you! Brak: [singing] You say it's your un-birthday, it's my un-birthday too! > Mystie&Feline: A very merry un-birthday to you! > > Zebeckras: Who, me? > > Feline: Yes you! > > Mystie: Now blow the candles out my dear and make a wish come true! > > Zebeckras blows out the candles. > > Mystie&Feline: A very merry un-birthday to you! Brak: Y'know, readin' a song just don't cut it. > Sassy: Twinkle, twinkle little skunk, > > How I love to dance to funk. Brak: To dance to WHAT? Lokar: Don't even think it. > Up my tail goes and sprays so high! > > Like rain falling from the sky. Tansit: Ohh, yuck. This is stuff I don't wanna know about. > Zebeckras: Oh that was interesting... Brak: So's cleanin' out the toilet, but that doesn't mean I wanna read all about it! > March Feline: So, what information did you come here for? > > Mad Mystifier: Yes, tell us the whole story. Start at the beginning, Brak: [singing] A very good place to start. > and > when you get to the end, stop, see? Brak: That's how I tell people to get to my house. Get on Highway 285, and go on to the end. Lokar: [severely] Brak, NOBODY will understand that joke except those who live in close proximity to that highway and thus know that it is circular. Brak: Well... so? It fits in with this story, doesn't it? None of the jokes make sense! Lokar: And you wish to hold yourself to those low standards? Brak: [ashamed] I ... I'm sorry. I wasn't thinkin'. > Zebeckras: Well, it all started when I was sitting with Ranma... > > March Feline: Verrrry interesting... > > Mad Mystifier: Who's Ranma?!? *drools* Tansit: Hey, what's it mean when Mad Mystifier drools out of both sides of her mouth? Brak: What? Tansit: It means the floor's level! [Brak and Tansit laugh] > Zebeckras: Ranma is my cat. Anyway, there was this little black piglet that > I... you know... S-A-W... > > March Feline: Dew? Brak: Nah. Essayed to double you. > Mad Mystifier: Do?! What? Who'd she do? > > Zebeckras: NO ONE! I was just saying that there was this little black > piglet that I saw... > > Sassy: CHAINSAW?! AGH! NO! EEP! EEP! SUCK STENCH! > > Sassy sprays everyone. Lokar: Gentlemen, we have died and been condemned to South Park. > Sassy: Now look what you've made me do. > > Zebeckras: Well I didn't really think- > > March Feline: That's the point. If you don't think then you shouldn't... uh... Tansit: Write fan fiction. > if you don't think... then... ummm... mmmm... Darkwing... Brak: [Zorak] Darkwing Duck. That's good eatin'! > Zebeckras: Can I have some Mountain Dew? > > March Feline: NO! Brak: That's stuff's icky. Y'know what it looks like? Lokar: Do not enlighten us. Brak: It looks like lemonade, but it doesn't taste as good. > Mad Mystifier: They're after my Mountain Dew. They're all after it. THEM! > They're trying to get my goodies, but I won't let them, I'm onto their > plot, I know what they're up to... hehehehehehehe... Brak: Up two? Two what? Tansit: Two bee, or not two bee! Lokar: Ah, punnery. The lowest form of humor. > March Feline: If you can't have Mountain Dew you can at least make weird > conversation! Lokar: Correction. Second lowest. > Zebeckras: Okay, well- > > Mad Mystifier: I have an idea! Let's change the subject! *smacks Feline on > the head* Lokar: Ah, teatime is nearly over. Now for the 'just desserts'. > March Feline: Why is Geary like a happy thought? > > Zebeckras: Stoopid questions? Brak: I bet they got stoopid answers too. > March Feline: EINT! Wrong answer! > > Mad Mystifier: Because they're both GAY! Tansit: What's all this beeswax about Geary being gay?! It's like an obsession with 'em! Lokar: It is quite a point of controversy for you vertebrates, isn't it? > March Feline: BINGO! > > All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! > > Zebeckras: Okay, okay, no more jokes. Tansit: No more jokes? You mean, there were any? > This is neither the time or the > place. Lokar: Oh? What better place for jokes than a laughable fanfic? > March Feline: The place! The place! Who's got the place?! Brak: Plaice? You don't eat fish at a *tea* party! Ugh! > P-chan: No, no, no, no place, no place! I'm lost! I'm very, very lost! > > Mad Mystifier grabs P-chan's map. > > Mad Mystifier: Well, no wonder you're lost! This map is full of lines and > markings. We need to fix it! > > Mystifier and Feline dash off and return wearing nurse outfits and looking > insane. Brak: Heck, I already knew they're crazy. > March Feline: Hurry! Our patient is dying! Get me the Cheez-Whiz! Brak: The Wonderful Cheez-Wizard of Oz! > Mad Mystifier: Here it is! > > Mystifier and Feline coat the map in Cheez-Whiz. > > P-chan: SQEEL! Tansit: Someone oil the pig. It's squeaking again. > Mad Mystifier: That wasn't strong enough! We need some Reddi-Whip, > chocolate sauce, and Jet Dri! > > They coat the map with more goop thoroughly. It begins to smell really bad. > Then Mystifier stands on the table and begins to tap dance on the map and > make it perforated. Lokar: Ahem. Here we have an allegory: Two characters, who happen to bear the sobriquets claimed by the authors of the story, have destroyed something perfectly good by first smothering it with irrelevant garbage, then treading upon it. I'll leave the interpretation as an exercise for the alert reader. > March Feline: Much better now! > > P-chan: Noooo! My map! Tansit: Aw, like it was helpin' you anyway! You're always lost. > Zebeckras: Hmmmmm... > > Zebeckras steals Sassy's yellow kettle and pours hot water into it. Brak: That's original! Most people pour hot water OUTTA a kettle, not INTO it. > She > looks at P-chan and grins evilly. P-chan looks over at her and quickly runs > away very scared. > > Zebeckras: Here, piggy, piggy, piggy! Come to Zebbie! Tansit: [Zebeckras] I wanna love you and hug you and call you George! > Zebeckras runs off after P-chan carrying the yellow kettle and swinging it > around. Little hearts pop out of her eyes and she screams loudly and > frantically. > > Zebeckras: I've got you! Brak: [singing] Under my skin. > Zebeckras splashed P-chan with the water and he changes into a naked > Ryouga. Lokar: Can we please decide on a verb tense for this story? > Ryouga: Oh no! > > Zebeckras: Darling!!! Tansit: Oh, great. Now she's Lum instead of Nabiki. Brak: Ooo, I like Lum! She's got cute fangs. > Ryouga: AAAAAHHH!!! Tansit: You haven't been flossing, have you! Just look at those gums! > Zebeckras chased Ryouga through the woods, screaming. > > Ryouga: Oh no! A dead end! Brak: They killed Geary! You boneheads! > Ryouga and Zebeckras stop at a stone wall, Ryouga has no where to go. > > Zebeckras: (drooling) I've got you now, Darling... Lokar: [Ryouga] Unless I should be rescued by some convenient plot - excuse me, narrative - twist! > Then it began to rain. Ryouga turned back into P-chan and trotted off. Lokar: Right on schedule. > Zebeckras: Nooooo! Why?! Why me?! Why now?! Brak: Y? M C A! > Mirage: HA HA! > > Zebeckras: What the... > > Zebeckras looked up to see the Cheshire Cat in a tree above her, Brak: Ewwww. Don't tell me the cat was "raining" on her, please! > holding an > odd looking machine. > > Mirage: What? Was making it rain the wrong thing to do? > > Zebeckras: What's that?! Brak: Rain? Y'know, it's that wet stuff fallin' from the sky. > Mirage: Geary's weather machine. I took it when Moze and Karnage were over > and busy with him... All: Huh? Lokar: This is one time I am grateful for the paucity of exposition in this story. > Zebeckras: Ewe... wait, YOU made it rain? Tansit: [Mirage] I'm a CAT, not an ewe! > Mirage: Yep! Annoying, huh? > > Zebeckras: Why you... Tansit: [Mirage] I'm NOT an ewe! > Zebeckras throws a rock at Mirage. > > Mirage: Why don't you take it up with the queen? > > Zebeckras: A queen? Tansit: Yeah, Queen! Off with her head! Brak: And Another One Bites The Dust! > Mirage: Don't you know the queen? Oh! You MUST meet the queen! > > Zebeckras: How do I find her? Lokar: Follow the tabloid press to Windsor Castle. > Mirage: Some go this way, some go that way, Tansit: [Mirage] Some go both ways, > but... I like the shortcut! Brak: I like shortcuts too. Tansit: Oh, no! Last time we took one of your shortcuts, we ended up on Frank's Planet! > Mirage took out a belt with a rainbow on it, and pressed a button. A > rainbow came out of it and went over the stone wall. Brak: Hey! Look! The way outta this story is over that wall! Let's go! > Zebeckras: Isn't that Rainbow Brite's? > > Mirage: Yeah, I like Rainbow Brite, she's so nice, she's annoying! Tansit: Then why isn't she in this story too? > Zebeckras walks over the rainbow and ended up in a maze of white roses. > > Splatter: I'm painting the roses black Lokar: *Painting* the roses *black*? > Yes, painting the roses black > > The roses are white > > To the queen's delight > > I'll coat them all in gak Brak: Ain't gak green, not black? Lokar: They needed something to rhyme with 'black', and couldn't be bothered to search beyond the letter G. > By painting the roses black > > Yes, painting the roses black Brak: Well, I s'pose everyone's gotta have a hobby. > Zebeckras: Oh pardon me > > But hee hee hee > > Why must you paint them black? > > Splatter: Well, these roses are so mundane. I mean, plain white roses? That > is just so bourgeois. And now I will go back, to painting the roses black! Brak: Hey, isn't Splatterphoenix supposed to talk with big words like Lokar, but faster? Tansit: This must be the fake Splatterphoenix from the second episode. > Zebeckras: Well, can I help you? > > Splatter: No! This is my artistic endeavor! It is painted precisely to my > intricate vision! Lokar: Oh, TRULY you can put much more effort into obfuscating her verbage than that. > Zebeckras: Oh, ok. > > Kenny walked into the scene. > > Zebeckras: What the heck?! > > P-chan runs frantically around the garden and stomps over Kenny, killing > him instantly. Tansit: Huh? P-chan's a little bitty piglet! He isn't big enough to stomp anybody to death! > Splatter: Oh my God! It killed Kenny! You bastard! Lokar: A character steps onscreen for the sole purpose of being killed, while many others who have no apparent function other than to annoy thrive and flourish. This is truly no parable of good triumphing over evil. > P-chan runs into an outdoor shower, then turns back into Ryouga. He puts on > a thong that matches his bandanna and walks out looking ravishing! Brak: What the-?! > Zebeckras: Wowzers! Is it hot in here, or is it me? Tansit: [Penny] It sure is, Uncle Gadget! > Ryouga: Actually, dear, it is hot in here. We're in the middle of a heat > wave! Well, actually, the heat wave has been going on for months now. Lokar: Not that it has a thing to do with the narrative, of course. Brak: It's a segueway! Ooooo! > Zebeckras: Why is that? > > Ryouga: It's from all the heat radiating off the queen's head. Brak: She's a hothead! > Zebeckras: I am sweating an awful lot... > > Ryouga: Well, you can change over there behind that screen. Brak: Shortcuts, showers, screens - sure are a lotta things showin' up outta nowhere. Lokar: Another fine production of Plot Convenience Theatre. > Zebeckras walks over behind the screen and looks at all the clothes. She > decides to put on a black tank top and shorts, baring her P-chan tattoo. Tansit: Where'd she get the clothes to change into? Lokar: AHEM, what did I just finish saying? > All the sudden Morgana and Darkwing come back from shopping. Ryouga blows > in his horn. Brak: Little black pig, come blow your horn. > Ryouga: Announcing her Royal Majesty, the Queen of Hearts! > > Drums roll and people cheer. The queen rides in on a yak, and floats over > to Zebeckras. Tansit: I've never seen a floating yak before. > Morgana: And who, or what, are you?!?! Brak: AAAHHH! It's the caterpillar - uh, butterfly - again! Somebody squish it! > Zebeckras: I am Zebeckras. > > Darkwing: What's your name? > > Zebeckras: Zebeckras. > > Morgana: Then what are you? > > Zebeckras: A Zebeckras. My name is also Zebeckras. Lokar: [sarcastically] Please, slow down. This narrative is overtaxing my cognitive facilities. > Morgana: Do you play croquet? Brak: I'm croquetingly! > Zebeckras: Nooooooo... > > Morgana: THEN LET THE GAME BEGIN!!! Tansit: And they light the Olympic torch off the Queen's head! > All the TDA Tarot Cards form little tunnels aligned on the playing ground > for the croquet game. Ryouga brings in a case with mallets and croquet > balls. > > Morgana: What do you think you're doing?! > > Ryouga: Setting up for croquet like you said. > > Morgana: You morons! Not here! Over in the pool! > > Darkwing: Yeah, you idiots! She wants to play water croquet! Brak: But then the salad'll get all soggy and icky! > Morgana hops onto a rubber intertube with a duck face on it that is > floating in the Olympic sized pool. Zebeckras follows, and hops onto an > intertube with a bunny head. They both shove off holding their croquet > mallets high! Brak: [singing] Forever shall we hold our mallets high! high! high! high! > Nefferbeth: Me and my big mouth. Tansit: Quoth the raven: Nefferbeth. > Dark Horse: This is all YOUR fault. > > Voice from above: Shuttup. You said you wanted to be in the story! And > there weren't many parts left, so you get stuck as the mallets! Tansit: They WANTED to be in this story?! Brak: Some people will do anything. > Nefferbeth: *grumble* Nate would never do this to me. > > A big bolt of lightning comes down and burns Neffie and DH to a crisp. Brak: [The Count] Two! Two crispy fangirls! Ha-ha-ha-ha! [lightning flashes] > Zebeckras: Ewwwwwww!!! I'd hate to see who the croquet balls are... > > Rescue Rangers: Help us! Help us! Please! > > Zebeckras: *blink* Ooookay... Brak: Aren't the balls supposed to be hedgehogs? Tansit: Yeah! Then they can pop Sonic one! > Mirage: Hidy ho everybody! *gasp* A POOL! > > Zebeckras: Oh no! Tansit: She isn't gonna *sing* again, is she? > Morgana: Who are you talking to? > > Zebeckras: A cat. > > Morgana: A cat? Where? > > Mirage: Over here, pouring Jello into the pool. Lokar: The characters are narrating their actions instead of simply doing them. It's like a bad 1960s Hanna-Barbera Cartoon. Tansit & Brak: [wistfully] Yeah. > 'Twas Mozey ate a slidey toad > > with Drake and Gizmo in the way > > amoebas in the water hose > > and Geary is gay! Tansit: AAAAGH! STOP IT WITH THAT STUPID SONG! I DON'T CARE IF HE'S GAY! [Brak and Lokar look at Tansit] Tansit: [embarassed and defensive] Well, I mean, it's none of my business! If I were him, I wouldn't want someone blabbering about it all over. Lokar: Would you really want to BE this Geary person? Tansit: Not if I gotta hang around with people like that, I don't! > Morgana: Don't turn my pool into pudding! > > Mirage: No, it's Jello, it's bouncy and wiggly, that's jello. Brak: It's Koochie-Koochie Girl Charo! > Morgana: You turned my pool into pudding! > > Mirage: No, it's jello! > > March Feline: Ah! Jello! Brak: [singing, to the tune of "Hello"] Jello, I just got to let you know I just love to eat you up Though your blobs fall on my shirt, As a snack 'round 'bout midnight Or an after-lunch dessert. > Mad Mystifier: Swimming time! > > Mystie and Feline dive into the jello pool. March Feline is wearing a > lavender bikini, and Mad Mystifier is wearing a pink swimsuit with a tutu. > A hole appears in the jello that seems to come out of nowhere. Tansit: It didn't come out of nowhere. Mirage poured it into the pool, remember? > Morgana: What is that? > > March Feline: Hm? Oh, that's just Spud. > > Mad Mystifier: He just dived in. Spud is invisdible. Lokar: And 'unspeldible'. > Morgana: Look at this! Now my pool is pudding! > > Zebeckras: Actually, it's jello... Brak: [singing] Jell-o my baby, Jell-o my honey, Jell-o my ragtime gal- > Morgana: I've had enough of this! I'm going to turn you into a yak! > > March Feline: No! No! Zebeckras is our friend! Tansit: [Yakko] She's our SPECIAL friend! > Morgana: All the more reason to turn her into a yak! Isn't that right, > Darkwing? > > Morgana looks down at Darkwing, who is staring at March Feline and > drooling. Tansit: I thought cats ate ducks, not the other way around. Brak: I like pork. > Morgana: ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DARKWING?! > > Darkwing: Hm? Oh, well, um... > > March Feline: Oh pleeeeeeease? Pleeeeease? With sugar on top? Tansit: [March Feline] Pleeeeeease turn me into a yak! > Morgana: No. > > March Feline: Waaaaaaaaaaah! > > Mad Mystifier: See what you've done? You're making her cry. > > March Feline: WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Lokar: Oh, turn her into a yak if it will make her shut her gob! > Darkwing: Don't you think that she should at least have a trial? Lokar: This dreck has been trying us for hours now, it seems. Is that not sufficient? > Morgana: Oh fine. > > Darkwing walked over to March Feline and puts his arm around her shoulder. Tansit: And gives her the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. > Darkwing: See, it's going to be okay. > > March Feline: *sniff* Thanks, how can I repay you? > > Darkwing: Well... Tansit: [Darkwing] Why don't I just act out one of your fangirl fantasies, hmm? > Morgana: DARK!!! > > Darkwing: Yes, Morg? > > Morgana: If we're going to have a trial, let's get it over with! Lokar: Indeed! For, as anyone who has seen the movie knows, the trial is immediately followed by the END of the story. > Everyone goes into court room. Lokar: Narrator forgets use of articles, making narration read like police report. > Morgana: First witness. > > March Feline walks up to the stand. > > March Feline: Well, um, I was... Lokar: Being exceptionally annoying. > Dakrwing: Don't be nervous. > > March Feline: I was talking to my Auntie Mirage. Tansit: Being annoying must run in the family. > Morgana: Do you have any other witnesses? Brak: Me! I saw her! And, boy, was she annoying! > Darkwing: I saw her! She was standing to the side wearing a little bikini. > You looked realy cute, too. > > March Feline: Well thank you. That's so sweet... > > Darkwing: It's true. Brak: I don't feel so good. Lokar: Someone has clearly attended to the Gonterman school of modesty. > Morgana: Stop flirting!! Next witness!! > > Sassy walks up to the stand. Brak: Oh, no... > Morgana: Just tell us what you saw. > > Sassy: SAW?! CHAINSAW!! > > Sassy sprays everywhere and runs out the door. > > Zebeckras: This is so stupid. Brak: Captain State-The-Obvious rides again! > Morgana: THAT'S IT!!! YAK!! > > Darkwing: One more witness! > > Mad Mystifier: I don't know anything, I'm stupid. Lokar: It is never too late for profound insights. > Morgana: You must know something. > > Mad Mystifier: Well... hmmm... I think I know something. I think I know > about how March Feline and the king are making out in the corner. Tansit: March Feline's burping feathers. > Morgana: WHAT?! Stop it!! > > Zebeckras: Look! It's the Cheshire Cat!! Tansit: [near tears] Please, don't let her sing that stupid song any more! > Mirage: Hello! I wonder if Morgana has legs, don't you? > > Zebeckras: Kinda... Brak: You kinda wonder or she kinda does? Lokar: How can any personnage "kinda" have legs? > Mirage pulls up the queen's dress to reveal... > > Zebeckras: FROG LEGS!!! Brak: Dinnertime! > Morgana: WHAT?! THAT'S IT!! A YAK!! RIGHT NOW!! > > Morgana starts to chase after Zebeckras with her tarot cards following her. > Then a bunch of fuzzy little anime animals in lacey underwear and chase > after her, too. Tansit: This is like a furry "Benny Hill" show. [Brak begins humming "Yakkety Sax".] > Zebeckras: Our mission is clear. Sterilize imperfections. Sterilize. > Sterilize. We are a nomad. They wander without purpose and merge. Tansit: [to Lokar and Brak] What in the heck's going on?! Brak: I dunno! I got lost a long time ago. Lokar: Simply more gratuitous fannish references that only detract from the story, such as it is, and which only they and their friends will understand. Tansit: Oh, come ON!! It's from Star Trek, the original series! Nomad! That droid that got damaged and merged with the other droid whose mission it was ... to ... what? What are you staring at me like that for??? > Morgana: Come on!! Get her!! Slice her head in half!! Lokar: You mean, turn her into a yak. Do be consistent. > Meanwhile in the castle... > > Lavender: Oh my king!! > > Darkwing: Mmm... Lavender, call me Darkwing. > > Lavender: Oh Darkwing! Crown me!! Lokar: Ugh. I never possessed the faintest urge to see that. Tansit: But we didn't actually see anything. Lokar: The very images it generated were enough to incite reverse peristalsis. > Back at the chase... [Brak stars humming "Yakkety Sax" again.] > Zebeckras: Help!!! Someone get me OUTTA HERE! > > Clouds start raining glitter. Ballroom music plays gently in the > background. A pink cloud of smoke appears, and then clears. Aviatrix stands > in the mist and glitter wearing a soft pink gown and holding a spatula. > > Zebeckras: WOOWW!! Who are you? Brak: And where'd you get that spatula? Tansit: I got it at Spatula City! Spatula city! > Avi: I am Avi, the good witch of the North. I'm here to grant your wish, > Zebeckras. Tansit: [Zebeckras] Get me outta this creepy story! > Zebeckras: You're gonna make Ryouga fall in love with me? Lokar: She can only fulfil one fangirl's fantasy per day, and I believe she met her quota just moments ago. > Avi: No, I'm going to help you get home. > > Zebeckras: Footsies... > > Avi: Pardon? > > Zebeckras: Um, your dress has footsies... Brak: Footsies? Tansit: Footsies? > Morgana: GET HER!! > > Avi: Quick Zebeckras! You need to get home!! > > Zebeckras: How? Tansit: Get directions from P-chan, and go the opposite way. > Avi: Here, put on these ruby footsies and click them together while > repeating, "There's no place like Canada." Tansit: Ah... The vast cornfields of Canada. No place like them, indeed. > Zebeckras: *click* There's no place like Canada. *click* There's no place > like Canada. *click* Lokar: Except for Siberia. > Dan: Zebeckras? What are you talking about? > > Zebeckras: Dan? Where am I? > > Dan: It's okay, you're here with me. Tansit: Dan? Who is he? > Zebeckras: Oh Dan, I feel so safe with you. > > Dan: You'll feel much better later once I have my Canadian Mountea outfit > on. > > Zebeckras: Oh Dan!! > > THE END [All three are silent for a moment. Then:] Brak: COP OUT!! COP OUT!! COP OUT!! > > > Credits Lokar: Would anyone in their right mind consider inclusion in this literary compost heap a credit? > Alice- Zebeckras Lokar: As the vaguely coherent masses are fond of saying: DUH. > Alice's sister- Kasumi > > Diana (Alice's cat)- Ranma > > White Rabbit- P-chan > > Door- Quackerjack (who better to play a knob?) > > Dodo- Fenton > > Tweedle Dumb- Chris > > Tweedle Dumber- Geary > > Walrus- Mozenrath Lokar: Is this Mozenrath character THAT long in the tooth? > Carpenter- Aladdin > > Oysters- Chaos Sisters > > Oyster Mother- Mirage > > Bill (the lizard)- Camille Lokar: Well, that explains a few things. Tansit: What? [Lokar opens his mouth to speak, then realizes he has no answer and shuts it again.] > Flowers- Mozekateers > > The Rose- Head Mozekateer (Wendy) Lokar: Someone willingly *claims* this ... dubious title? [shakes head] I have seen some truly pitiable things in my time, but this... Tansit: It could be worse. They could be writing crummy stories and making themselves and everybody else look like fools. Lokar: [halfheartedly] Yes, there is that. > Caterpillar- Lar > > Cheshire Cat- Mirage Tansit: I thought she was the Oyster Mother. > March Feline- Lavender Feline > > Mad Mystifier- Mystie > > Skunk (Mouse in movie)- Sassy > > Spud- Spud > > Spew- Spew > > Spud's extended family- Spud's extended family Lokar: By the property of identity. > Splatter (painting card in movie)- Splatter Phoenix > > Kenny- Kenny > > Playing Cards- TDA tarot Cards > > Croquet balls- Rescue Rangers > > Queen of Hearts- Morgana > > King of Hearts- Darkwing Duck > > Good Witch of the North- Aviatrix Lokar: Let us now observe a moment of silence in sympathy for the people and characters dragged into this drivel. [Brak puts his hand over his heart and hums "Taps"] > Disclaimer > > All Disney characters are owned by a guy who is now frozen in time like Han > Solo. Brak: Um, that's not right. Walt Disney was cremated and buried in Forest Lawn. > All "real" people are owned by themselves. Please do not copy or distribute > them, without permission. Lokar: However, it's PERFECTLY all right to use them in fan fiction without first gaining their permission. Brak: Yeah, but what if the real people find out about it? [Lokar grins wickedly] > Kenny is owned by those people that do South Park. Lokar: And who three minutes of research would reveal to be Comedy Central. > Rumiko Takahashi is a cool person from whom we borrowed a few characters > and ideas but only "with the most respect," but we wouldn't go making them > gay or anything... Tansit: [grumbling] Yeah, that's the ONLY way you didn't mess 'em up. > The story and plot is owned by the Schizos Brak: Schizos are sufferers of schizophrenia, a mental disorder evidenced by disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, hallucinations, and a loss of contact with reality. Lokar: I see they at least understand the concept of truth in advertising. > (Mystie and Lavender) and if you > try to take it, we'll TELL YOUR MOMMY ON YOU! Brak: But they stole this story from Disney! They copied it! Tansit: Sheesh, they use a search-and-replace for a few names and think they own it. Lokar: You actually expect people utterly lacking in originality, taste, or writing skill to comprehend the intricacies of copyright law? Brak: [nervously] Um ... maybe you better not say that so loud. > These songs, and other TERRIFIC parodies, are available from Schizo > studios! Tansit: Other terrific parodies? We haven't even seen ONE yet. Brak: You took the words outta my mouth. > If you are interested, please mail us at NST@fast.net and > SlrMystie@aol.com for further information. Tansit: If you aren't interested, delete your bookmark right now! Brak: And use that flashy memory eraser thingy from "Men in Black" to make yourself forget you ever read this. [Moltar's control room] [Zorak and Moltar watch the words scroll off the screen] Zorak: They oughtta be screaming for mercy by now! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Moltar: [dully] Uhhhh.... [Zorak looks at Moltar. The eyescreen on Moltar's helmet is filled with a slowly spinning spiral.] Zorak: Snap outta it! You weren't READING that thing, were you?! [Moltar shakes his head. The spiral disappears.] Moltar: Uh - ah - ugggh. Zorak: [evil snicker] [Green Room] [Zorak's image appears on the screen. The others do not see him immediately, as they are talking amongst themselves.] Tansit: -but that story wasn't original at all. Brak: Yes. Fan fiction has to be written by a fan, not just copied and a few things changed. Zorak: Hey! Lokar: These fan fiction pages are not known to be hotbeds of creativity. However, even among those who must base their works off of established stories, this prattle was PARTICULARLY leechlike. Zorak: HEY! Tansit: And what they did change they didn't make any better. In fact, they made things worse. "Twas Mozey ate a slidey toad", "Ameabas in the waterhose"? What's THAT all about? Lokar: Ahem, it is AMOEBAS or AMEBAS. Just because the authors lack a spell checker does not excuse YOU. Brak: An amoeba's a little critter that lives in water. They look like fried eggs, only squigglier. Zorak: *HEY!!!* Brak: Oh, hi, Zorak. I didn't see you there. Tansit: We were discussing the story you sent us. Lokar: Or, more precisely, we were discussing the story you did NOT send us. Brak: Yeah, it doesn't count as a story at all! They didn't write it, they copied it! Zorak: Wha--? Of course it's a story! It's a piece of awful fan fiction! Lokar: We have concurred that this story does not qualify as fan fiction at all, but simply as an exercise in plagiarism. As well, it is so laughable that it is hardly worth the time to ridicule. It appears that the authors have taken the advice of Tom Lehrer to heart. Zorak: Tom who? Lokar: Tom Lehrer. I quote: [singing] Plagiarize! Let no one else's work evade your eyes! Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize! [speaking] And yet, it did serve its purpose of breaking up a long period of boredom. For that, I must thank you. Zorak: [baffled] THANK me?! Lokar: Indeed. There is a niche for works of noncreativity such as this, and it is to make one realize what a precious thing the use of the intellect is, by illustrating it with so emphatic a counterexample. Zorak: [angrily] You're not supposed to ENJOY it! Lokar: Despite that, I did. And again, I thank you. Zorak: RRRGH! GO - GO CHOKE YOURSELF! [Zorak's image disappears from the screen. The door locks click open.] Tansit: I don't believe it! You said THANK YOU to him for making us read that story?! It was awful! Brak: Yeah! I thought you hated him! Lokar: I do. That is why I frustrated his desire to see the results of his torture. [Lokar buffs nonexistant nails on the chitin of his thoracic segment] Lokar: It's called psychological warfare. [Lokar gets off the couch and stalks toward the door, his smug demeanor fading with every step. He opens the door and looks back at Brak and Tansit.] Lokar: [low growl] I hate him more than EVER. [Lokar slams the door behind himself.] / | | / |/| / | | / ___________|/|____________ | ______________________ |\ | |J#~#-####*###-##*###+e| | | | |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~c#*#| | | | |##+###+##~##+##n+#*###| | | | |##-#.##+##.-e##-####-#| | | | |#-###-###+iW######-## | | | | |##~#*###c*###*#+#.####| | | | |###~#+S~.##-######~###| | | | |##-#.###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | | | |##s##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | | | |M~##*#####-###~*####*6| | | | ________________________ |/ This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the authors, JenWhite6@aol.com and MsScience@hotmail.com. Zorak, Moltar, Brak, Tansit, and Lokar are copyright (c) Hanna-Barbera. Akane, Kasumi, Ranma, Ryouga, and P-Chan are copyright (c) Rumiko Takahashi. Darkwing Duck, Morgana McCawber, the Rescue Rangers, Mirage, Aladdin, Mozenrath, Quackerjack, Fenton Crackshell, Gizmoduck, Splatterphoenix, and Camille Chameleon are copyright (c) Disney. Kenny is copyright (c) Comedy Central. The TDA Tarot Cards are copyright (c) Larry DeSouza. "Alice in Wonderland", originally by Lewis Carroll, is now in public domain, but the movie by Disney is, of course, (c) Disney. Lyrics from the song "Lobachevsky" are copyright (c) Tom Lehrer. All copyrighted characters and works are used without permission. All real people own their own copyrights. This MiSTing was done in the name of humor, and no malice (in Wonderland) is intended to anyone. > Zebeckras dissapears into the woods. She quickly walks away from the spot, > which she had washed up upon. She accidently trips over a stick, to keep > her self from falling grabs onto Geary's butt. Zebeckras shrieks in terror > and hits Geary really hard.