Insane Fanfiction Theater 3000 #1! Battle Arena Toshinden: No Battle's Today Written by: CATS MSTed by: J-Boogie. On: 3/20/98 Disclaimer: Alright, first things first. I mean NO, and I mean absolutely NO, insult to the writer. This is his/her/its/whatever story, and this is merely a form of C&C.......and also I'm bored. Hey, if anybody wants to MST my stuff just go to http://members.aol.com/WHolden535/ranma.htm And now......onto the MSTing! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a nondescript city in America, a sixteen year old boy was bopping down the street. It had been a very good day. Nobody bothered him, he aced all his tests, and he was getting ready to go on vacation! Yup, nothing could ruin his day. "Hip, hop, da hippie, da hippie to the hip hip hop--" And as we watch him disappear in a flash of light, we should note that nothing stays excellent for very long. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "And you don't.....Huh?!" "Greetings, Ryan!" Ryan, the aforementioned boy, turned around to face a monitor which showed the face of his supposed captor. It was....it was.... The face of a 13 year old kid. Not surprisingly, Ryan was pissed. "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?! AND WHERE THE HELL AM I?!?!" , he thought, "Ah, that's usually Ryouga's line isn't it?" "Eh? What does an anime show have to do with anything?" "Oh, anime is my life! Especially those darling lemon fanfics. Why Ryan, I thought that you would recognize me!" "Why should I know who YOU are?" "Oh, but you should know me by my consorts......" The scene on the monitor panned back to show that the boy was wearing... eww...tight leather clothes. Ryan squinted at the screen, and then gasped as he realized who were kneeling beside him. "But...th-that's...Felicia from Darkstalkers?!?! And Artemis from Sailor Moon?!?!" His eyes went wide as he realized who his captor was. "No....no! You're DEAD!! NO!!!" "Nope, I'm not dead. But I'm glad to see you know who I am!" "You-you're......OSCAR!!" "Right!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theme Song: In the not too distant future, In fact it's at the present date, There was a boy named Ryan, Who was going to meet his fate, He was to read fanfics his captor said Who turned out to be Oscar but wasn't he dead? And it seems that old Oscie is touched in the head Because Ryan was teleported to a place called Hentai Space.... (Argh! What now?!?!) Oscar'll send him crappy fanfics, the worst he can find(Lalala!) In order to find the exact one that will send him out of his mind(Lalala!) Now Ryan just can't control when the fics will begin or end(Lalala!) But to keep his sanity, he has the help of some Anime friends.... ANIME ROLLCALL!! Ranma!! (I don't belive this!) Akane!! (Oscar no Hentai!!) Ryouga!! (Where am I--Oh.) Ukyou!! (This just sucks.) Now you're probably wondering how they'll eat and sleep and other science facts (Lalala!) but just remember it's just fiction so you should really just relax!! On Insane Fanfiction Theater 3000! (Twang!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Ok, why am *I* here?!?!" "Ah, you see, I only wanted people to think I was dead. All over the net, people thought I was a simpering fool, just because I ASKED for people to MST my works! My stories had vision! What I wanted was revenge. Revenge on all of those that would mock my work! And who better to help me get that revenge?!" Oscar stopped his soliloquy and peered down at Ryan, who had fallen asleep from boredom. "WAKE UP!!" "AH! What?!" "Ahem. As I was saying, who better to get my revenge?! Well, who better than the same man who sent my work to Joel and the bots!?!" "Oh Lord, you don't mean......" Ryan blinked as the screen split in half, one half still showed Oscar while the other half showed..... "Dr. Forrester?!?! Alright, my life has gone insane. So what do you have in this?" "Well, boobie, I decided to enlist the help of a writer who was SO vile, that he put fear into the hearts of men when his name was uttered! Unfortunately, Ratliff was busy, so I enlisted Oscar." "Hey!!" "Anyway, in good taste...heh...::snicker::...I am going to let you enlist four people to help you, no matter what show, universe, or whatever!" "Four huh? Hmm....let's see....." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a mediocre day in Nerima. It was one of the few days where absolutely nothing was happening. Big shock, isn't it? Anyway, Ranma, Akane and Ryouga were at Ucchan's for lunch. Ranma: I'm telling ya, something's gonna happen. I just know it! Akane: And just WHY do you believe this? Ranma: My excellent sense of warning, that's what!! He would have continued talking, if he didn't find himself embedded in the counter by a UFU (Unidentified Flying Umbrella). Ryouga: Just like you sensed that?! Ranma: Listen up pig boy..... Ukyou: ::sighs:: Can't you two go fight outside!?!? All further conversation was cut off as all four disappeared in a flash. Customer: Um, does that mean I won't be getting my order now? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ryan was sure he was going insane. Ryan: Um, excuse me? He backed up as he found himself at the end of a massive glare down. Ryan: I'm not a martial artists, I don't want to challenge anybody, I don't want to marry anybody, and this isn't my fault! They all nodded to themselves and looked towards the monitor. Oscar: Yes, I'M the one that brought you here. Dr. F: Actually, it was MY equipment..... Oscar: Whatever. Anyway, you four have been brought here to be tort-..er I mean, you four are here to participate in an experiment. You are going to view some fanfics, and...just go out of your way to comment. Toodles! Ranma: I have a bad feeling about this.... Ryan: You don't know the half of it.... The Nerima gang stood up and looked around. Well, the place actually looked nice. Quaint, seemed to have a few bedrooms.....in fact only 3. It seemed like sleeping arrangements would have to be figured out. Ryan: I call this one for myself. Ranma: What? Says who?! Ryan: Says me. You can't hurt me, cause I'm not a martial artist! Nyah! Ranma: Grrr.... An argument MIGHT have broken out, but the sirens started blaring. Ryan: Never thought I'd say this....but WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! All: AAHHHH!! They all ran into the theater, and luckily nobody tripped over anybody else. The seating arangement was as such: Ukyou Ryouga Ryan Ranma Akane. They all settled in as the story started. >This is a Battle Arena Toshiden story. It is by me CATS. Ryan: ::mutters:: It figures.. Ranma: Huh? Ryan: Um....::whispers something to Ranma:: Ranma: ::gasps:: Good gods!! Akane: What? Ranma: You DON'T wanna know, trust me. >Battle Arena Toshinden: No Battle's Today >by CATS Ukyou: Repetitive, isn't he? Ryouga: Well, give him a break, it hasn't even started yet. Ranma: This won't be good.... Akane: Your excellent sense of warning, right? Ranma: ::proudly:: Of course!! >***The characters in this story were not made up by me. This is a lemon >fanfic Ryouga: Ano....what's a lemon? Ryan: Wait for it..... > so I hope you understand. It contains sexual acts Everybody minus Ryan: NANI?!?! Ranma: I TOLD you! Ryouga: Now now, it might....::shuts up as he feels two females glaring at him:: Ryan: Well, it MIGHT be......pleasant.... > between >several people. If you are not of the proper age, you know the deal. >Any suggestions are welcom at lionclaw@bellsouth.net. Address the >subject as "CATS".*** Ryan: Dear God, if you're up there....please make this bearable...... > Eiji swam naked in a lake. He enjoyed to feel the >cool breeze of the summer's day. Ryan: ::looking up:: I asked you nicely!!! Ryouga: Ugh....nevermind....this is bad.... Ranma: I-- Akane: You say "I told you so" and I'll drive your head into your chest. Ranma: Um....Didn't I say this would happen?!?! Akane: Baka! ::slams a mallet into Ranma's head:: > He swam up dan down the lake, feeling >the currents across his body. He dove under the water and looked at all >of the fish that swam in the water with him. Ukyou: Ah! Peeping tom! Ryan: Oooh! Look a worm! OW!! Everybody else just looks at him, shaking their heads. Akane: And I thought Ranma was a pervert..... Ranma: Yeah.....HEY!! > He needed time to relax >after his recent battle with Lady Uranus. Everybody snickers. > He floated on his back in the >shallow lake. He closed his eyes and dreamed of Sofia. Akane: Aww, he's dreaming about his girlfriend. Ukyou: That's so sweet! > He had always >wanted to fuck her Guys: Um....::duck under their seats:: Ukyou: Why that sick little--ARGH!! Akane: Grrr...Eiji no Hentai!! > but he knew that he might actually fall in love with >her. If he did, then he would not be able to fight her. Ryan: ::climbing back into his seat:: Boy, kinda like you and Akane, huh Ranma? Ranma: Huh?!?! Akane: Well? Ryan: You know, why you can't hit her, because you're in love with her? Ranma: I am not! I just don't hit girls!! Ryouga: You fought Ukyou... Ranma: I thought she was a guy!! Uh.... Ukyou/Akane: Baka!! Ryouga and Ryan duck as Ukyou AND Akane nail Ranma with a right cross. He pictured her naked, all the curves. He visioned her round breasts and gorgeous pussy. Soon his penis began to get hard and he knew he had to get out of the water. Ukyou: Akane: Ryan: Ryouga: Ranma: He swam to shore and grabbed his towel. He began drying himself off, trying to made his dick go soft. He admired the size of his cock. He loved the fact that it was 8 inches. Akane: Oh, that's nothing compared to....um.... She could practically feel everybody staying at her. Ryan: ::surpressing laughter:: Ranma's right? Akane: Right! ::thinks for a moment:: Eeep! Ryouga: RannnnMAAA!! Ukyou: Ranchan!! Ranma: Ack! Ryan: Stay with the story guys...... > His balls hang low >beneath his cock. He began to dry his hair just as he heard a noise. Ryan: Why lookie here, Jimbob! It's one o' them Asian fellers! And he's buck naked too! Looks like we're gonna have some fun tonight! Ryouga: And what do you have against Asian's, gaijin? Ryan: Oh, jeez, it was a joke, alright?! Oy... >He reached for his wsord Ukyou: What the hell is a "wsord"? Akane: Your guess is as good as mine. > and it wasn't there. Ryouga: So if he knew it wasn't there, why'd he reach for it? Ryan: I think he meant to put a but. > He heard something come >from the bushes and he turned around. Ryouga: Ah! Cutie Honey! Everybody else: Huh? Ryouga: Um...nothing. > Something jumped out at him but >he couldn't see it. The thing landed on him and they rolled on the >ground. Ranma: ::gasps:: Happousai's gone yaoi! Ryouga: Why do you say that? Ranma: Who else can jump to grope somebody and not be seen until he's feel it? Everybody else: ::thinks about it:: Hmm..... > Eiji tried his best to get whatever it was off of him. He >reached to grab it's head and felt hair. It was sort of long hair, >maybe shoulder length. He knew then it was human. Ranma: So much for that theory.... > He wiggled his body Ryan: Uh oh....I've got a bad feeling about this... >and then got the upper hand. He flipped over so that he was on top of >this person. By the strength of the person he could tell it was male. Ryan: And that bad feeling just upgraded to imminent danger. >He finally got a look at the person's face. It was Kayin! > "Well it seems that you weren't ready for >battle!" Ryan: Well, no duh! How many people get ready for battle like that? Akane and Ranma sneak a glance at each other, but say nothing. > Kayin said as he laughed at Eiji. Eiji laughed back and got >off of Kayin. They both stood to their feet and brushed the glades of >grass off their bodies. Akane: What's a glade of grass? Ryan: I'm assuming that's blade of grass. > Eiji stood there, still naked. Kayin glimpsed >up and down his body, he could see Eiji was hard. He didn't know if it >was something else orwas it Kayin who made his dick stand at full mast. Ranma gags. Ryan groans. Ryouga fakes hurling. Akane sighs. And Ukyou tries to knock herself out with her spatula. Ryouga: Can I borrow that next? Ukyou: I don't need you making a dent with your rock hard head. > "Looks like you are glad to see me" Kayin laughed as he pointed to >Eiji's hard dick. Eiji blushed and tried to cover up his cock. Kayin >stopped laughing and pulled off his shirt. Ranma: NO!! For the sake of humanity, no!! Ryan: It's Oscar, I'd expect this.... Akane: Just who in the hell is Oscar?! Ryan: Well, let's see. Oscar is a fanfic author who self inserted him into his own stories about Sailor Moon. He has incredibly bad writing, is only 13, he SAYS he's a hermaphrodite.....I don't really care to find out, and he has a VERY big fetish for cats...ie: He wrote a lemon where he and Artemis.. ahem. Ukyou, Akane, and Ryouga: Oh....my....god..... > Eiji was confussed by what >Kayin was doing. Ukyou: That's "confused"! Ryan: That's right folks, if we see them, we'll correct them! > Sure he had thought of Kayin in sexual ways but he Ryouga:..suddenly realized this was the work of an insane person and went off to deliver the full wrath of the Hyakki Moushu Ken. Ranma: Been playing too many video games again, have we? Ryouga: ::takes out his umbrella and pulls Ranma out of his seat:: No, observe. HYAKKI MOUSHU KEN!! Everybody watched Ryouga use his umbrella to deliver the full Tohshinden Desperation Move smackdown. Akane: I give it an 8. Ukyou: I say 8 too. Ryan: Nah, I give it a 9. That was some excellent hangtime. Ryouga then dragged a battered Ranma back to his seat. >never thought it would come true. Kayin pulled down his white pants >slowly, giving Eiji a good show. He walked over to Eiji in nothing but >his boxers. He whispered into Eiji's ear "Is this how you wanted me?". Ukyou: Yeah, but I pictured that you took a dip in the Nyannichuan first. > Eiji was shocked and he started breathing heavily. Kayin slipped his >hand down Eiji's broad chest. He twiked and pinched his nipples. Ryan: Who want's this one? Ryouga: It's tweaked, right? Ryan: Right. Whoever wants to leave now, say aye. Everybody else: HAI!! Ryan: That's not what.....oh forget it. Everybody got up and made a mad dash for the door, which unfortunately was locked. Oscar: Bad subjects! You have to stay through the entire thing! Now sit down! Which they did, grumbling. > Eiji >closed his eyes and grunted. Kayin slipped his hand further down Eiji's >body, slowly reaching towards his cock. Ranma: Akane.....do you have any of your cooking on you? Akane: Wh-what? Why? Ranma: Because....I need something to knock me out, and your cooking always does that. Akane: Baka!! ::mallets him:: Ryouga: Hmm, that's not a bad idea.. Akane: Well, here's one for you too! ::mallets Ryouga as well:: Ryan: Damn! Now they're both out! > He rubbed his hand across his >six pack stomach, feeling the begining of his pubic hair growing at his >lower end of his stomach. Eiji's breaths became quicker, almost >pleading with Kayin to grab his sitff meat. Ryan: ::squirms in his seat:: I wanna go home.... Ukyou: What's wrong with you? Ryan: Ahem. If this had two women having sex, how would you feel? Ukyou:.....oh. This is still bad though, but I see what you mean. > "Seems you boys are having a bit of fun, eh?" >Sofia said as she emerged from the bushes. Both men broke apart, trying >to make what was obvious unknown. Sofia walked closer to them and they >both noticed that she was naked. Ryouga and Ranma chose that moment to wake up. Ryouga/Ranma: Well, we couldn't really have fun until YOU showed up! > They admired the curves of her body, >the smooth skin. Akane: The cat o' nine tails she held in her hands..... Ryan: Er, what's that for? Ukyou: ::giggles:: Oh, we're just going to have some FUN! Down on your knees, dogs! > They watched as her round breasts bounced as she >approached them. "So you fellas are looking for a little fun" she said >in a sweet Russian voice. She walked over to Eiji and grabbed his cock >feircely. "You're pretty big Eiji" she said as her pussy began to drip. Ryan: Yes, I was so tired of using my fing--OW! Akane: ::putting away her mallet:: Hentai. > Her cunt was becoming very wet as she fondle the warrior's rod in her >hands. She rubbed all 8 inches in one hand and then knelt down in front >of him. She opened her mouth and slid his dick in her mouth. Everybody starts shifting in their seats uncomfortably. Ryan: > She >slowly licked the length of his shaft. Eiji closed his eyes once again >and enjoyed the feel of Sofia's mouth. She licked at the pink head of >his prick, savoring the taste of his pre-cum. She opened her mouth wide >and Eiji shoved his whole dick in her mouth. She almost choked as she >got used to the length of his cock. Eiji moaned and groaned as Sofia >ran her mouth up and down his dick. Ryouga: ::tugs at his collar:: Guess she used to be a sword swallower... Akane: ::pulls out her mallet:: Hen...oh it's not even worth it anymore. ::puts it away:: > Eiji began rocking his hips in >motion with Sofia's sucking. Kayin stood to the side, jacking his 9 >inch dick. He brushed the blonde hair out of his eyes and contiued >rubbing up and down the shaft of his cock. Ryan: Talk about taking things into your own hands! Ryouga and Ranma stay silent for a moment, then shake their heads. > Sofia would take Eiji's cock >almost all the way out and then go all the way back in. The hairs >around his cock tickled her nose. Eiji couldn't take it anymore and he >let out a loud moan as he came in her mouth. Cum ran down the sides of >her mouth as she tried to take it all in. Ranma: ::comes to a decision, turns to Akane:: Akane? Akane: Huh? Ranma: I love you. Do you love me? Akane: Um..yes! ::grabs his hand and drags him off:: Ukyou: Hey! Oh.... Ryan: Down to three for now.... > Sofia stood to her feet and walked >over to Kayin. He was sill pulling on his cock when she got over to >him. She reached out for his dick and began pulling on it. He moaned >as Sofia jerked on his cut cock. Ryan: Now see? That's what happens when you wank off with a sword. Ryouga: Ouch..... > She slid her slim fingers to his >balls. She rolled them in her hand and Kayin groaned. "You're dick is >much bigger and thicker than Eiji's" Sofia said as she lead Kayin to the >grass. She sat him down and got on top of him. Ukyou: Oh.....hell. We'll probably get together in the end anyway. ::grabs Ryouga's hand and drags him off:: Ryouga: Wha...huh? ::gets dragged off:: > She then grabbed his >cock and let it to her pussy. She rubbed the head against her entrance, >moaning as it rubbed against her smooth pussy. Ryan listened to the moaning and squealing coming from the corners of the theater. Ryan: Ah, to hell with this. ::goes to sleep:: (A few minutes later...) Ryouga and Ukyou finally returned to their seats. Well, Ukyou wound up dragging Ryouga back to his. Ryan woke up as soon as they sat down. Ryan: So, had fun? Ryouga: Gah.... Ukyou: I would say so. Ranma and Akane are still at it? Ryan: Yup. > They all cleaned each other up and >got dressed. Eiji left the lake remembering all his dreams of what >happened. Ranma and Akane returned as soon as the last word appeared on the screen. Akane: Well, I was right. He WAS bigger.... Ranma: Yeeeeee... Ryan: Ah, the happy squeal of someone very happy....well, we can leave now. They all got up, Ukyou dragging Ryouga, and walked out of the theater. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a bit of wandering, they had found that the place even had a complimentary longue! They all sat down and tried to stomach what they just went through. Ryan: Well....we've survived. Ryouga: I found out something.... Ranma: What's that? Ryouga: I haven't gotten lost once in this place!! Ranma: What!?!? Ryouga: Nope, I haven't gotten lost once. Ryan: Well, we still have to figure out room arrangements..... Akane: Oh, that's easy. I'm sharing one with Ranma. Ukyou: And I'm sharing one with Ryouga. Ranma and Ryouga just grinned stupidly. Ryan: ::sighs:: And I get my own room.... Ranma: Just like you asked for. Oscar chose that moment to pop up on a nearby monitor. Oscar: So! How was that last fic? Ryan: It....was alright. Ranma: Very....stimulating, except for the beginning. Blech! Ryouga: Yeah, we could've gone without THAT! Oscar: Well, just wait until the next one!! And you thought that was bad... Ukyou: Heaven help us all...... Feeling impish, Ryan flung a cup of water at Ranma. Ranma-chan: Hey! What'd ya do THAT for?! Ryan: Just wanted to see for myself. ::whistles:: Not bad. Ranma-chan: Come back here!! And as everybody laughs, with Ranma trying to throttle a very scared Ryan, we sign off for now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oscar: Hey! Where do you think you're going! Oh. Sorry. Oscar: Man, I've got to find something to drive them insane. Artemis: Master Oscar..::sticks out his tongue:: maybe you need to concentrate on the REALLY perverted stuff. Oscar: Hmm...you may be right...yes! I'll find the right story to send them off their rockers!! You may now give me a tongue bath. Artemis: ::shudders:: It's Felicia's turn! Felicia: Says who, furball? Artemis: Well, I was in bed with him last night! Felicia: And I was in bed with him this morning! Oscar: Please, please! You can BOTH give me a tongue bath! Artemis: ::whispers to Felicia:: NOW see what you did?! Felicia: ::whispers back:: Me?! Why you overgrown doorstop.... Oscar: I'm waiting...... Artemis/Felicia: How much longer can this last..... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MST3k is copyright of Best Brain's inc. Duh. Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi. And Darkstalkers is property of Capcom. Have a good day, everybody!! "He needed time to relax after his recent battle with Lady Uranus."