ThunderCats: Circus Train Written by William Overgard MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Transcripted by Tracy Butler Hi!! Here's another one of these not-so-good ThunderCats episodes...I think that this is becoming a habit!! Special thanks to Tracy Butler for transcripting this episode!! Well, on with the show!! [SoL] [Already, lights and klaxon are going off on the bridge of the SoL. MIKE and the BOTS stumble onscreen.] MIKE: AUGH!! What's going on?!! [runs over TOM and falls down] TOM: Ooof!! [red MADs light flashes] CROW: Pearl, what's going on?! [Unnamed Planet] PEARL: Hello, my little guinea pigs! I guess you know what time it is now! [SoL] MIKE: Uhhh..what, Pearl? [Unnamed Planet] PEARL: It's ThunderCats time again, Mike...another of the not-so-good episodes, Circus Train. Oh, don't hurt yourself in there! [SoL] ALL: Then it's THUNDERCATS SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [SoL-Theater] Circus Train Written by William Overgard Transcripted by Tracy Butler TOM: Laws of Physics broken by: William Overgard. CROW: He's like the Sandy Frank of ThunderCats writers. Buzzers and alarms sounded in the Tower of Omens. Lynx-O was stationed at the Braille Board while Lion-O, Wilykit, and Wilykat were all present and ready to fend off an attack. "Some kind of missile is headed straight for us." Lynx-O informed the others. MIKE: [Lynx-O] So...maybe we ought to take cover, I guess. "It's too late to activate our defense lasers, we'll have to put our trust in the Eye of Thundera." Lion-O said worriedly. CROW: [Lion-O] It's always been a great plot device for us in the past, hasn't it? "It should be visible now." Wilykat said. He walked out onto the tower's observation deck and pointed. "There!" MIKE: [Tattoo] De Plane! De Plane! Lion-O put his arm around Wilykit and Wilykat as they watched the impending "attack". The missile flew at the tower, swerved at the last minute, and opened into a mini parachute. They could hear circus music playing in the distance. TOM: Oh, brother...a clown serial killer. Darn movie clichés. "What on Third Earth is going on?" Wilykat asked as the parachute displayed writing. "Have no fear, Bragg the bounty hunter is here." he read aloud. "Would you look at that? It's some kind of advertisement." CROW: Ya don't say!! Wilykit frowned. "What nerve, scaring us half to death." MIKE: [Wilykat] Made me ruin my new drawers! TOM: But Wilykat doesn't have underwear. MIKE: Oh. "Look, there's something else up there." Lion-O said. He pointed to a space train that flew towards them and landed just outside the Tower of Omens. "Wow!" Wilykat exclaimed. "It looks like a circus train!" CROW: A circus...THIS should be fun. Below, Captain Bragg, with a crow on his shoulder, climbed on top of the locomotive and spoke through a megaphone to the observers in the tower. "Ladies and gentlemen you see before you standing the one and only Captain Bragg, the galaxy's most renowned bounty hunter." TOM: Great. Where's Robert DeNiro when you need him? "And I'm Crownan the wonder crow, awk." the bird on his shoulder added. CROW: [Crownan] I can poop on someone with an accuracy of .002 meters! MIKE: Crow... "For a modest fee, I will rid your planet of any and all undesirables." Bragg continued. TOM: Wow! So this guy is into pest control, too! "Awk. One and all." Crownan interjected. "These troublemakers will be transported to my famous zoo-zoo of bad guys on the island of Way Out Back." CROW: And if it's anything like Exile Isle, they'll be back in no time! MIKE: What's a zoo-zoo? "Awk, it's escape proof." "Also included in this offer is a free bottle of invisible oil with a 90 day guarantee." Bragg finished. TOM: [Bragg] I guarantee that I'll have your money laundered and spent in 90 days! "Now step right up, this offer's too good to miss." Crownan added. Wilykat turned to Lion-O and wilykit. CROW: Sayyyyy! MIKE: NO! "Boy, is there really such a thing as invisible oil?" CROW: Yeah, to a complete sucker. "No, of course not, Captain Bragg is a con man, all hot air." Lion-O said with amusement. TOM: You're sure one to talk, Mr. SMARM man!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom! TOM: Sorry, I'm just bitter. "Yeah? Well I'm going down and check him out! Coming Wilykit?" Wilykat asked. CROW: [Wilykit] No thanks!! I'm coming with Lion-O! MIKE: CROW! CROW: What? "No thanks, circuses bore me." Wilykit said somewhat snobbishly. "They're for kids." MIKE: Silly Thundercat, Trix are for kids! "That's what you think." Wilykat then ran down to see Captain Bragg on his own. TOM: Bow-chicka-wow-wow... MIKE: Tom... Captain Bragg smiled as wilykat came over. "Well my boy, ready to purchase a bottle of invisible oil?" "What a bargain!" Crownan added. CROW: [Crownan] Two scams for the price of one! "Excuse me Captain Bragg, but Lion-O says there's no such thing." Wilykat replied. Captain Bragg stood up and gave Wilykat a look of shocked disbelief. "What? I can't believe I heard that!" TOM: [Bragg] Maybe I should have washed my earwax out for once. "A disgrace." Crownan agreed. "Look in these eyes, do they look like the eyes of someone who would tell an untruth?" Bragg asked wilykat, staring at him intently. Wilykat looked closely, and Bragg's eyeballs began to roll around in circular patterns. MIKE: Uh-oh...looks like someone's been studying Vorelli again... "The eyes have it." Crownan said as Bragg and Wilykat stared at one another. CROW: And...we have lemon! MIKE & TOM: CROW, NO!!! Wilykat was hypnotized, and his eyes swirled as well. Bragg spoke again. "I'm well known for my veracity." he assured Wilykat. "And he tells the truth too." Crownan added. TOM: Now I think Groucho Marx is coming in with *his* lawyer! CROW: [Marx] Hey, crow...stop stealing my scthick! "Yes sir." the hypnotized Wilykat agreed. Bragg held up the bottle of invisible oil. "Now watch carefully, my boy." He drank out of the bottle. Crownan looked at wilykat. "You're gonna love this." MIKE: [Crownan] Well, you will be hypnotized to love it... Bragg turned invisible, except for his head, which appeared to be floating in midair. "There now, what do you say to that?" CROW: [Wilykat] Whoa!! I'd better cut down on the bongs!! "Wow, it works!" Wilykat exclaimed. "But how do you get un-invisible?" "The magic word." "It's a common household word." Crownan said. TOM: Oh. *Crap*, like this episode. "Kazoo!" Bragg exclaimed, and his body reappeared. He and Crownan then held out wanted posters showing all of the lunatacs and the mutants. "Do you know the whereabouts of these offenders?" he asked wilykat. CROW: [Bragg] If you do...call 1-800-IMA SCUM, and we will get back to you. "Sure." Wilykat replied. "These are the lunatacs, and these are the mutants." MIKE: [announcer] Let's start THE FAMILY FEUD!!! TOM: [hums "Family Feud" theme music] Bragg then led wilykat to the train locomotive with his arm around the boy's shoulders. "Ah then climb aboard my boy, and you can guide me to the haunts of these do-badders." CROW: Man. It's like Bragg is schizophrenic. Now he thinks he's Dudley Do-right. "Awk, it'll be a giant step forward for mankind." MIKE: [Crownan] And a big comedown for a popular TV show. Wilykat accepted Captain Bragg's hand to help lift him into train. "Sure thing Captain Bragg. I'll go with you." Seconds later the train took off. CROW: [Wilykat] HEY! That's not a gearshift!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!! TOM: I may be sick, Crow. Back in the Tower of Omens, Lynx-O's ears glowed as he heard the sound of the train leaving. "That circus train is taking off." he informed the others. TOM: [Lion-O] Note to myself...never put plutonium in my ear canal. "Where's Wilykat?" Wilykit asked worriedly, and ran to the window. She realized that he had left with the train. "He's taken Wilykat!" she cried. CROW: [Wilykit] He really *did* run away with the circus!! In the train, Bragg was sitting in a control chair with Crownan perched nearby and Wilykat standing in front of him. "Well Wilykat, who are we gonna start with?" Bragg asked. MIKE: [Wilykat] Well, let's start with Snarfer. He owes me 5 bucks. "Awk, how about the mutants? Those babies are worth a thousand smackers apiece." Crownan suggested. CROW: Hmmm...smackers...so they're going to spank the Monkian again? MIKE: CROW... "Then their base is Castle Plundarr, but they've been laying low." Wilykat told them. TOM: [Wilykat] They heard that they were going to be written off, so they decided to try to not piss off the producers. "Don't you worry, we'll smoke them out." Bragg said. "Awk, smoked mutants." MIKE: Somehow, my taste buds don't water when hearing "smoked mutants". CROW: Kinda like flambéed buffalo chips. In the forest below Jackalman and Monkian were walking around. Monkian paused. "Hoo hoo, did you hear anything?" "No, no!" Jackalman answered with annoyance. "What are you so jumpy about?" TOM: [Monkian] Hoo..hoo...Slythe put Icy Hot in my jocks! Monkian looked around. "I get the feeling something's after us. Listen! Hear that?" CROW: Hear the Thunder...Thundercats are loose! Jackalman paused, and strained to listen. He heard the circus music playing in the distance. "Yeah, I hear it. We'll check it out, nya ha ha!" MIKE: {Jackalmann] Yeah! Let's go check out the unknown danger!! He ran towards the sound, and Monkian followed him. They crouched behind some bushes and watched as the train landed. Bragg got out and stood by an open car with a sign above it. Jackalman read the sign aloud. CROW: [Jackalman] Hooked on Phonics worked for me!! "One time only-- see the galaxy's most talented mutant". The two mutants exchanged toothy grins. TOM: [Monkian] I never knew Slythe's "talents" could make him famous!! MIKE: Tom.... TOM: What? "Hooooo, this is something we shouldn't miss!" Monkian exclaimed. The two mutants jumped out of the bushes. Captain Bragg greeted them with a smile. "Ah, step right up and see the sight of a lifetime-- gorgeous glamorous glittering female mutant Marvelous Merna!" MIKE: A female Mutant? What's the world coming to? Monkian was very excited. "Come on! Let's go take a look!" Jackalman followed him. CROW: SCHWINGG!! MIKE: Crow... "Ah and here comes a pair of good-looking fellows." Bragg said. "Gentlemen, this is your lucky day. Marvelous Merna's on a farewell tour, this may be your last chance to see her." TOM: [Bragg] And it's not a trap, nope, no it isn't! The mutants peered into the dark car. "Hoo hoo, I don't see a thing." Monkian said. CROW: [Monkian] Damn! Forgot my contacts again! "Ah just step right in and you'll see the object of your heart's desire." Bragg assured them. From inside the car, Crownan spoke. "You-- ahem" he changed his voice to a falsetto "Yoo-hoo, boys, come on in and meet Marvelous Merna!" TOM: This is the oldest trick in the book! It can't work!! The mutants exchanged toothy grins again. "Hoo hoo, come on, this we gotta see!" Monkian exclaimed, and the two of them ran in. "Hoo hoo hoo, where's Merna?" Monkian asked. MIKE: [Monkian] This looks like a trap! I'd better stay here for a while! "In your dreams, banana breath!" Crownan (now outside the car) replied, and pushed a button, closing the door and locking them in the cage. Instantly the two mutants yelled and tugged at the bars. CROW: [mutants] Hey! Let us out! We're not *that* stupid!! "Hey, let us out of here!" Jackalman whined. "Hoo hooo, I'll break your bones you con man!" Monkian threatened. TOM: [Monkian] So could you just step over here to the bars so that I can get my hands on you? From inside Castle Plundarr, Slythe and Vultureman watched the scene on the castle's monitors. "Cawwwww! Did you see that? Those two idiots walked right into a cage!" CROW: Thank you, Mr. Obvious. "Well Monkian and Jackalman never were too bright, yessss?" MIKE: Well, relatively speaking... "Eeeeahhh, I reckon that Bragg fellow must be some kind of bounty hunter. We'd better lay low for awhile." Vultureman suggested. TOM: [Vultureman] It's like we're smart, but we're not! "No way, Vultureman!" Slythe roared, and grabbed Vultureman's arm. "Awwww, wait a minute, where are you taking me?" he complained as Slythe dragged him across the room. CROW: [Slythe] What? You've forgotten our honeymoon? "I'm going to see Marvelous Merna, the most talented mutant in the world, and you're coming with me, and we'll free those two idiots Jackalman and Monkian, yessss?" MIKE: [Slythe] You *will* love Merna! Outside at the train, Bragg greeted the mutants. "Hurry hurry hurry, step right this way for the treat of a lifetime, see Marvelous Merna!" Slythe grabbed Bragg by the collar and Vultureman grabbed Crownan, who struggled and pecked at him. TOM: [Bragg] Hey! Who do you think you are? Mike Tyson? "Put me down, sir, there's been some mistake!" Bragg complained. "No mistake, I want to see Merna out here right now, yesss?" he hissed menacingly. "I just don't think that's possible sir, you see I--" Bragg protested. MIKE: [Bragg] I'm pregnant!! At this, Slythe began to shake him around. "Oh I think it is!" Slythe roared, and shook him harder. His clothes fell off revealing tan long johns beneath. ALL: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! CROW: I did NOT want to see that!! Crownan was still struggling and pecking Vultureman, who finally let him go. "Stop stop stop, sir! I'll see if she'll come out!" Bragg said. TOM: Whoah! You don't have to be Freud to get *that* one! MIKE: Tom... "Now, you go get her!" Slythe yelled, and threw him roughly into the now open cage where Jackalman and Monkian were. Once he was in, Vultureman hit the button to shut the door. CROW: [Vultureman] Man! That was too easy! What could possibly go wrong now? Wilykat saw all this happening and looked out the window. "Mutants!" he exclaimed. Slythe turned and saw Wilykat. "Did you see that? A Thunderbrat!" TOM: [Slythe] Scat, darn Thunderbrat! "I'll get the little rat!" Vultureman said, and ran towards the locomotive. MIKE: [Vultureman] Er...I mean *cat*! Wilykat looked around the controls starting to panic. "I'd better get out of here." He sat in the pilot's chair and looked at the panel. "But oh my gosh, what do I do to start this thing?" He sees a large button marked "Emergency". CROW: [William Shatner] Next on "Emergency 911". A ThunderCat is in it up to his eyeballs... "Emergency-- well I guess this is an emergency..." He pushes the button just as Vultureman and Slythe climb on the train ladder, and the train takes off. MIKE: [singing] Conjunction Junction...what's your function... In the cage car, Monkian is slammed into a wall, and Jackalman falls on top of him. "Hoo hoo, who's driving this thing?" TOM: [Bragg] Oh, just an inexperienced 12-year old kid. Nothing to worry about. "Must be that little Thundercat son. Sounds like he hit the emergency airborne button." Bragg replied. CROW: *Son*? But I thought the Thunderkittens were orphans. MIKE: Quiet. That way lies madness. "Well let's hope he doesn't hit any more buttons." Crownan remarked. In the locomotive control room, Wilykat could feel the train shaking and rocking. MIKE: [Wilykat] Man! When did Lion-o and Cheetara hitch a ride onboard? "I've got to stabilize this train somehow." He looked down at the panel. "C-T-W... I wonder what C-T-W stands for.... Control Train Wobble!!" TOM: Huh?! Wilykat then hit the CTW button and the train slammed to a stop, and all the cars lurched from side to side. Everyone inside as well as the two on the outside were shaken around. CROW: [Mutants] Since when did we start flying Amtrak? Jackalman fell over. "Ha-- wha-- what's happening?" "He hit the CTW button." Bragg told them. "Well what does CTW mean?" Monkian asked. MIKE: Crappy Television Writing? "Crack The Whip." TOM: Wow. Good function to put into a flying train. Wilykat was really panicking now. "I've got to stop this before the train flies apart." He looked down at the panel again and saw a button labeled "S U" "S-U-- that has to mean 'straighten up!' CROW: Come again? MIKE: Wilykat's being written dumber than the Mutants in this episode. " Wilykat pressed the SU button. The train shot directly upwards at a fast speed. TOM: [George Jetson] JAAANNE! Stop this crazy thing!!! Slythe and Vultureman outside clung to the train for dear life. Inside, Monkian fell to the floor then Bragg on top of Monkian, and Jackalman fell on top of Bragg. "What's happening now?" Monkian asked. CROW: Oooh. A threesome. MIKE: CROW!! "The 'Straight Up' button!" Bragg told them. "There's only one worse button." Crownan said. "What's that?" Jackalman asked. TOM: [Crownan] The Jell-O Enema/Crystal Queen Aria button. Back in the control room, WilykAt was even more upset. "If we keep going straight up we'll hit the super strata and explode! CROW: Well, wouldn't you explode if you hit the *ground*? MIKE: This gives new meaning to the term *ceiling*. I've got to turn us around." He looked at the control panel again and saw the "S D" button. "S-D- that's got to mean 'Stop! Delay!'" TOM: [Wilykat] Daaahh...since SU went 'straight up' , I'll push *SD* to stop! He pressed the SD button and the train made a sharp turn and plummeted towards the ground. MIKE: [Wilykat] Whoa! I didn't know it could do *that*!! Outside, Slythe and Vultureman were still holding on, but just barely. Inside the car, all of them fell to the opposite side of the room. "He did it-- he hit the Straight Down button!" CROW: [Bragg] It's official! He's a moron!! "Holy Jaga, we're going to fall right into the ground!" WilykAt exclaimed. "What button do I push now?!" TOM: Push the *DELETE* button, and end this crappy episode!! MIKE: Let's take a break. [commercials] [SoL-Bridge] [TOM and CROW are at the desk, with a cardboard set of buttons, and both are wearing a ringleader outfit.] MIKE: Oh, what's going on, guys? TOM: Oh, we were inspired by today's experiment, and we decided to outfit the Satellite with these nifty buttons, just like Captain Bragg's Circus Train!! MIKE: Oh...so, what do you have here? [CROW extends a claw out to the panel] CROW: Well, this "IM" button makes the ice. See? [CROW pushes the button, and ice pours out of the ventilation ducts.] MIKE: CROW!!! It's freezing in here! [TOM hovers closer to the panel] TOM: Crow, will you push the *RO* button? MIKE: W-what's R...O? TOM: Oh, it's the *Roll Over* button! [Exterior view of SoL. The Satellite inverts.] [SoL- Bridge] [MIKE and the BOTS are now on the ceiling of the Bridge.] MIKE: TOM!! Push that button back now!!! TOM: I can't!! It only works one way!!! MIKE: So how do we PUT the SATELLITE BACK UP?! CROW: Push the "RSU" button!! [MIKE reaches up and does so. As he does so, lights and klaxon go off] MIKE: Ooh!! WE GOT THUNDERCATS SIGN!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4...ship inverts to its normal position...,3,2,*] [SoL-Theater] MIKE: What's the *RSU* button? TOM: *Right Side Up*, silly!! MIKE: Tom...I'll deal with you guys later. WilykAt sat at the controls in a panic. The train was heading straight for the ground. "I've hit all the wrong buttons! This time I'm going to close my eyes-- here goes nothing!" He closed his eyes and raised his fingers over the panel. TOM: [Wilykat] Ummm...enny-meeny-miney-mo. Inside everyone was panicking as well. "Hooooooo we're going to crash!" CROW: [Monkian] I hope Merna's going to be okay! "He still has time to press the right button-- the BASH button." Bragg said. MIKE: Yeah. Let's BASH the writer and work our way down. "What does BASH stand for?" Jackalman asked. Inside, Wilykat's finger landed on the BASH button. The train stopped in midair. TOM: Hunh. Good brakes. "Brake And Stop Hovers." Crownan answered. Outside Slythe and Vultureman fell off. CROW: [Vultureman] This is the last time I fly Northwestern!! "Do something, Vultureman!" Slythe roared as they fell. "Aha!" Vultureman said, and pulled a pen-looking device out of the feathers near his armpit. MIKE: [Slythe] This is no time to use your new deodorant!! "We need a parachute, not a pen!" bellowed Slythe. Vultureman pressed a button on the pen and and it turned into an umbrella. Slythe grabbed onto Vultureman's leg as they floated down. CROW: Sayyy... MIKE: Crow... Suddenly the umbrella folded and they started to fall fast again. "You and your useless inventions!" Slythe yelled. CROW: Hey! I didn't know Vultureman wore bikini briefs! MIKE & TOM: CROW, NO!!! Both of them flapped their arms as though trying to fly. "Cawww this is your fault Slythe, you're too much strain on it!" TOM: [Vultureman] Looks like you've been hitting the gruel pretty hard lately, Slythe! Both landed on the ground in a heap and the train landed nearby. The circus music played again. CROW: [hawker] Step right up! See the mutants that went splat!! Wilykat exited the control room and let Bragg and Crownan out of the cage, leaving Jackalman and Monkian imprisoned. "Ah we knew we could do it, boy, that was just a test." Bragg told Wilykat. MIKE: [Bragg] A test of the EBSS. TOM: What's that? MIKE: The Emergency BS System. "Oh yeah?" Wilykat asked. Crownan swirled his eyes at Wilykat to hypnotize him again. "Yeah." CROW: [Crownan] Do the Dew...Do the Dew... "Now load up those mutants and let's get after those lunatacs." Bragg told Wilykat. "Whatever you say, Captain Bragg." the hypnotized Wilykat replied. TOM: [Wilykat] You see, because I am under your control... Over on DarkSide, Alluro walked into the pirate cabin they took home from Exile Isle after leaving the nearby crashed Skytomb. He faced the other lunatacs. MIKE: [Alluro] Okay, Luna...we've given this a lot of thought...we've decided to step on you. "Well?" Luna asked him. Alluro shrugged. "It's hopeless. We just don't have the equipment to fix Skytomb." CROW: [Alluro] Sears doesn't open till 12 pm today! "So we're stuck in this boring dump." RedEye grumbled. Luna snapped her riding crop on RedEye. "Plug it, RedEye! All we need is a little transportation." The circus music was now audible, and getting louder as the train neared them. Chilla peered out the window of the shack. "What would you say to an intergalactic circus train?" she asked them. TOM: [ala Klondike Kat] No!! All of the lunatacs then looked out the window. "You're supposed to be the eyes of this outfit RedEye! Take TugMug and go check it out!" Luna ordered. CROW: [RedEye, grumbling] Yeah, well by that logic, since you're the b*tch of this outfit, why don't you find Jackalman. MIKE: Crow... "My pleasure, boss." RedEye replied, grinning. TOM: [RedEye] Boy, you sure are smart, boss! Outside, Bragg was playing an organ in a car on the now-landed train. CROW: [Wilykat] Hey, Bragg...hands off!! MIKE: CROW! Crownan was perched nearby. "Well here come a couple of real music lovers professor, play sleepytime for them." Crownan said, and flew towards RedEye and TugMug, who were approaching them. "That's right, step right up folks and watch the professor tickle the ivories, at no time will his fingers leave his hands." TOM: [Crownan] Nudge, nudge...wink, wink. Crownan said, distracting them while two organ pipes extended and blew sleep gas on RedEye and TugMug, knocking them out instantly. Bragg hit another key on the organ that extended hooks to pick them up and drop them into one of the train's cages. CROW: Looks like the Lunatacs are gonna want their agents. Crownan flew back over to Bragg. "That's two down, three to go." Chilla peeked out the window of the shack. "RedEye and TugMug have disappeared!" she told Luna and Alluro. MIKE: [Chilla] And there's no reason to believe that it has anything to do with that mysterious, unknown circus train. "What?!" screeched Luna. "Alluro, go find out what happened!" TOM: [Alluro] Relax, Luna...he probably just fell in a plothole! Back outside by the train, Bragg sat down on the edge of a round platform with WilyKat on his lap. WilyKat had clown makeup on his face. Bragg noticed Alluro approaching and spoke softly to WilyKat. "Ah here comes another lunatac WilyKat. Now remember, you're a ventriloquist's dummy." CROW: [Bragg] So, my boy...why don't we talk about the first thing that pops up! MIKE: Don't make me hurt you, CROW! WilyKat's eyes swirled again. "Got it." he replied, under the trance again. TOM: Boy, this is a farm-frsh plot point. MIKE: A bit sarcastic, aren't we? Bragg then spoke loudly enough so that Alluro could hear, to the "dummy". "Now tell me Charlie, why does a mutant cross the road?" "I don't know Captain Bragg, why does a mutant cross the road?" WilyKat responded mechanically. CROW: [Bragg] Because the bartender says "Why the long face!!" Ha, ha- wrong joke... Alluro arrived and leaned over, studying Captain Bragg and WilyKat. TOM: Well, that confirms my suspicions about Alluro. MIKE: Tom... "Why to get to the Dark Side." Bragg laughed. "I cut up you know." he mumbled with a smile. CROW: Whooo! He's about to get 'da drop on' em!! "That's amazing." Alluro said. "Your lips don't move." WilyKat spoke up. "You're right sir, now watch this while you stare at my lips--" he lifted handcuffs and quickly slapped them on Alluro's wrists "Gotcha!" TOM: Wow, Bondage too. You think Mandora might want to know about this? MIKE: *Know*? She'll probably join in! "What?!" Alluro protested, trying to move his hands. WilyKat and Bragg each jumped up and clung to one of his arms to prevent his escape. Alluro gave them a hateful look as they put him in the cage with RedEye and TugMug. CROW: [Alluro] Don't put me in with *them*! They smell like feet! Back at the shack, Chilla looked out the window again. "Maybe Alluro will need some help. I'll go check this circus train out." Chilla told Luna. TOM: [Chilla] I'd better make sure I get captured too! At the train, Bragg was now standing on a round platform with a giant dancing polar bear in the middle. He saw Chilla approaching. "Ah, step right up and see the amazing waltzing bear!" MIKE: [Bragg] And wait'll you see it Moonwalk. "Is that a real polar bear?" Chilla asked suspiciously. "That's right madam, from the frozen wastes of far off icy moons." Bragg answered. CROW: [Bragg] Well, actually this planet, since polar bears are native to Earth. TOM: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick. CROW: You're sure one to talk. "He looks mechanical to me." MIKE: [Chilla] Sound familiar, Luna? BOTS: Oooh. Bragg laughed. "Heh heh, no, no here, step right up and feel its fur. You'll see it's the real thing. Go right ahead madam. Touch him, he's tame." TOM: [Bragg] He won't catch you! No, no sir! Chilla reached over and touched the bear's belly. The second her fingers touched it, the bear's eyes glowed, and the bear grabbed and squeezed her, holding her tight to its body. "Hey, let go of me!" she yelled. CROW: [Chilla] We didn't even have a date yet! Bragg jumped off the platform, pressed a button on a remote controller, and the bear began to spin quickly around and around. MIKE: Round and round she goes, where she stops, no one knows! A few minutes later, Chilla was in the cage along with the other three. They were all asleep and leaning on one another in the cage car. "There, with Chilla locked up, that only leaves Luna and Amok." Bragg said. TOM: [Bragg] Hey, maybe we ought to shout it a little louder so that they'll know our plan! "Well I wonder when we can expect them to show up?" Crownan wondered. "How about now?" an abrasive high-pitched female voice sounded behind them. Bragg and Crownan whirled around nervously. "Get 'em, Amok!" Luna ordered. Amok grabbed Bragg while Crownan hovered above. Luna grabbed the bird's leg. MIKE: [Luna] Don't even think about writing us off! Bragg smiled and laughed nervously. "It's all a mistake Miss Luna, we're just having fun." "No harm intended." Crownan added. CROW: It's fun until somebody *dies*! "But I intend to do you lots of harm." Luna replied. She pressed the door button and she and Amok threw Bragg and Crownan in one of the train's cages. TOM: Shouldn't that be just *Amok* threw her in? I mean, she's nothing but a load! WilyKat saw this happening from the locomotive. "Oh my gosh! What do I do now? I know, invisible oil!" He took the bottle from his pouch and drank it, but was still fully visible. MIKE: So what have we learned today, kids? Never work for a circus owned by a hypnotist. "Now that I'm invisible they won't see me release the captain!" He ran out of the car and over towards where Luna had just locked Bragg up. CROW: I think Wilykat also took some *stupid pills*, too. Luna saw him approaching. "Hey!" she yelled, and Amok grabbed WilyKat. "But... but I'm invisible!" WilyKat whined. TOM: [Luna] No, apparently you're *inebriated*. "Not today you're not." Luna said. "But Captain Bragg said--" "Listen kid, Bragg is a con man. He's a liar." Luna told him. MIKE: If there's a case of someone calling the kettle black, this is one of them. "But... I liked him..." WilyKat said sadly. CROW: [Wilykat, sobbing] We were to be married in June. Ohhh.... Inside the cage, Bragg frowned, feeling bad. TOM: [Bragg] Boy, I really did it now. GOOD one, Bragg... In the forest, where Bragg and WilyKat had earlier captured the mutants, were Lion-O and WilyKit. "You can see the train was here. The question is, where is it now?" Lion-O said. MIKE: [Lion-O] I could really go for a plot convenience now! WilyKit ran up to him with a poster in her hand. "Hey! Look what I found! A wanted poster." She showed it to Lion-O. CROW: [Lion-O, reading] Big, muscular hero guy needed for a little hot action by an attractive leader of an all-women society...hey, that's ME!! Lion-O looks at it carefully then thinks for a moment. "If Captain Bragg's gone after the lunatacs, then WilyKat's in real danger." he told WilyKit. TOM: [Wilykit] No, *really*? Back over in DarkSide, Luna had freed the other lunatacs from the train and tied WilyKat to the engine. "Leave those crazy mutants locked up, we don't need them. Then we pay the Thundercats a visit. With that little squirt strapped to the engine, they can't lay a finger on us." Luna told the others. CROW: Well, if it's Lion-O, he could lay *other* things on 'em. MIKE: Crow, I'm warning you... Not too far away, Lion-O and WilyKit were flying on the hovercat. WilyKit was wearing headphones, and then removed them. "I think I've picked them up. Listen." She placed the headphones on Lion-O's head. TOM: [Lion-O] Good thinking, 99...oops...wrong show. "That's the train all right, it's getting closer. We'll climb high and attack from the side." CROW: Oh...okay. Soon the hovercat flew close to the train, and Lion-O leapt from the hovercat onto the train while WilyKit took over piloting the hovercat. "I'll find WilyKat. You get ready for a fast takeoff." he told her. MIKE: [Wilykit] Okay...but I don't have enough reefer to go around! CROW: Excuse him. He's a product of the '60s. MIKE: Hey! "You got it." WilyKit answered and sped off. Lion-O walked along the top of the train. RedEye climbed out of a hatch in the locomotive and confronted him. "Hi." "Huh?" Lion-O said with surprise. TOM: [Lion-O] Why does it surprise me to see the bad guys at this point of time in the show? I don't know. "Take this, Thundercat!" RedEye said, and fired a missle at him from his chest plate. Lion-O jumped, yanked out his sword, yelled "HOOOOO!" and fired a beam at the missle. The beam caused it to change direction and head for RedEye, hitting him in the chest plate and knocking him unconcious. CROW: Hey, no fair! They stole that from Warner Brothers! Luna and Alluro peered out of the hatch as Lion-O moved closer. "Get up there and help RedEye!" Luna ordered. MIKE: [Luna] I'm too chicken to do it myself! Alluro hopped up, and Luna went back down into the train. Alluro walked toward Lion-O, swung the psyche club, and dislodged the crystal over is head. Lion-O became trapped under the beam as Alluro approached him. "Be sensible, Lion-O." TOM: [Alluro] You need the money as much as I do. Don't complain about the episode! "Be... sensible." he parroted. "Come on, let's shake on it." Alluro said as he extended his hand. CROW: Spoken like a true slimeball. WilyKit flew by on the hovercat. "No Lion-O, don't do it!" she yelled. That was enough to shake Lion-O out of the trance. MIKE: Well...since it was near the end of the show... He jumped away from the beam and smashed the orb with his sword, then sliced the top off of Alluro's psyche club. Alluro fell on his knees and yelled. "My powers! All ruined!" TOM: [imitates child tantrum noises] In the control room, Luna was lecturing Chilla and TugMug. "Get up there and help him, cowards!" CROW: [Chilla] Look who's talking? "Forget it Luna! I've had all the orders I'll ever take from you." TugMug replied, and raised his gravity carbine to fire on Luna and Amok. Amok grabbed it, fired on TugMug, causing him to float into the air helplessly. Amok then snapped the carbine in two. "You've ruined the gravity carbine! Now I'll be stuck like this forever!" TugMug complained. TOM: [TugMug] Well...at least until the show's over. Luna turned to Chilla. "Now get up there and ice that Thundercat!" MIKE: [Luna] Or I'll sick my goon on you and yell empty threats!! Chilla emerged from the hatch and faced Lion-O. He spat ice on him, freezing his entire body except for his head. "What could be more deadly than a simple weapon like ice?" she sneered as she stared at his frozen form. CROW: [Chilla] Ooops...forgot to freeze your head. Wait a sec. "Fire." Lion-O replied confidently. "HOOOOO!" he shouted, and the Sword of Omens shot a fire blast that melted him and engulfed Chilla in a fire beam. TOM: How convenient. You should have froze his head, dolt!! MIKE: But Tom, Lion-O's the good guy!! TOM: I don't care. I hate stupidity. "You're-- you're melting me!" she hissed, and passed out. The fire vanished as soon as she lost conciousness. CROW: Man! Lion-O always kills Chilla! That's against the rules of the show! Lion-O went past where she fell, bound for the hatch. Luna, atop Amok, was now climbing out, and looking at the defeated lunatacs in disgust. "Klutzes! Come on Amok, up the ladder!" Amok grunted and tried to climb but couldn't squeeze through the small hatch. MIKE: Oooh...shouldn't have tried to have "all you can eat" at the Sizzler! What's the matter with you?" she screeched. "Up, boy!" He struggled, still grunting, unable to make it through. He was soon stuck. "Don't tell me you're stuck! Aaaaaah, NOOOOOO!" she howled, as Lion-O arrived and stood menacingly above them. CROW: [Luna] A buffalo shot!! NOOOO!!!! Lion-O then heard WilyKat's screams. "Help! Help! Someone please help me!" Lion-O looked up, jumped over Luna and Amok, using Amok's face as a springboard. Amok thrashed wildly, and his tail hit the SD button. TOM: Oh, just like the plot...straight down. The train lurched and began the rapid descent, causing Lion-O to slip. RedEye fell into a groove between the cars. Alluro gripped onto one of the outside railings for dear life. CROW: [Alluro] My long johns are full!!! Chilla slipped down and grabbed Amok's horn, while Luna grabbed the other, and they both hung on tightly, the breeze from the fall blowing up Chilla's skirt. MIKE: I see London, I see France, I see Chilla's underpants! CROW: [snicker] Lion-O regained his balance and made it to where WilyKat was tied up, and put his arm around him. "Relax WilyKat. I've got you." TOM: Hmmmm... MIKE: Tom, please don't. Lion-O then took out his sword and held it up. "Thunder-- Thunder-- Thundercats HOOOOO!" The Eye of Thundera opened and the cat signal projected into the train's control chamber and pressed the BASH button, allowing the train to land safely. CROW: That's a big contrivance...even for ThunderCats. A little while later, the train was once again parked outside the Tower of Omens. WilyKat and Captain Bragg had been freed and the lunatacs had been locked up. MIKE: [Luna] Okay!! This writer's going DOWN!! Lion-O, WilyKat, WilyKit, Captain Bragg, and Crownan were all gathered. "I caused you a lot of trouble, Lion-O. I'm really sorry." WilyKat said. CROW: [Wilykat] Don't have Tygra whip me, please!! "That wasn't your fault, boy. I, uh, hypnotized him, you see..." Bragg admitted. TOM: [Bragg] I'm a prick like that. "He couldn't help it." Crownan added. "He did do wrong, Lion-O, but at least there's no harm done, and they did capture all of the mutants and all the lunatacs." WilyKit said in Captain Bragg's defense. MIKE: That's like giving Bragg Robert Shapiro. "We need to talk about those prisoners." Lion-O said seriously, glancing over at the lunatacs and mutants, who were complaining and tugging at the bars. CROW: [Lion-O] Although I should thank you for allowing them to be written off. "I know you're wondering if you can trust me with these creatures. Ah, but you needn't worry, young man, I've decided to turn over a new leaf." Bragg said. TOM: [Bragg] 'Course, it won't be the right one. "A reformed character." Crownan added. "I'll take good care of them. I'll teach them table manners and a useful skill." Bragg told Lion-O. CROW: [Lion-O] Oh, good...can you teach them to-- MIKE: Crow, no. "Well either basket weaving or computer operation, we're not certain which." Crownan said. TOM: How about proctology? ALL: [shudder] "Then you'd better get going, Captain, but remember, we'll be checking up on you from time to time." Lion-O told him. CROW: [Lion-O] IfyaknowwhatImean! MIKE: [sigh] Bragg turned to WilyKat and put his arm around his shoulder. "Goodbye, young WilyKat. I'm sorry I got you into trouble." TOM: [Bragg] Maybe I can make it up to you later, honey... MIKE: That's enough, guys...I may be sick. "Oh that's ok Captain Bragg, I had a lot of fun. But I'll never try to run off with the circus again!" WilyKat admitted. Lion-O smiled at them. CROW: [Lion-o] I can't wait to teach you a lesson tonight! A few minutes later, the train took off into the sunset. ALL: [hum Gunsmoke theme] The End MIKE: Let's go! [*,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [SoL- Bridge] [MIKE is sitting behind the desk, with a stack of cardboard pictures of the ThunderCats characters appearing in this episode.] TOM: Okay...let's see who was the most stupid today. [MIKE holds up a picture of Chilla] MIKE: Chilla? TOM: Well, I think she was very stupid, for she fell for the oldest trick in the book! Plus, she didn't freeze Lion-o. CROW: I disagree. How could she know that that very realistic polar bear was an evil ploy to capture her? MIKE: Okay...[holds up a picture of Monkian]...Monkian CROW: He's *always* stupid. TOM: Yeah. NEXT! MIKE: Sure...[holds up a picture of Wilykat]...Wilykat. CROW: His IQ rivals that of peat moss. TOM: I wouldn't trust him with anything more dangerous than string. MIKE: Okay...well, we don't really seem to be doing anything productive... why don't we just go? TOM: Okay, Davey!! [fade to credits] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS transcript by TRACY BUTLER original TV show written by WILLIAM OVERGARD Mystery Science Theater 3000 is ©1997, 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. ThunderCats is ©1985-1988 Rankin-Bass Productions. All rights reserved. Keep circulating the fics 4 March 1998 > "C-T-W... I wonder what C-T-W stands for.... Control Train Wobble!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back to Thundercats MSTing Page