[Fade in. Classic retreat-back-through-the-tunnel, doors closing as you go. In the control room of the Satellite of Love, MIKE and the 'Bots, TOM and CROW, are standing around a water cooler in golf shirts.] MIKE: Oh, hi, everybody...[tugs on the collar of his shirt]...you kind of caught us! Today's "Casual Friday" here on the Satellite of Love. We're discussing what we're doing this weekend... TOM: ...and we're taking the opportunity to schmooze the boss -- er, senior engineer here! CROW: Yeah! We're on the fast track to middle management! TOM: So, Mike...seen that new girl Gypsy down in accounting? MIKE: Oh, yeah, she's really...something! CROW [to TOM, stage whisper]: Um, Servo, haven't we done this bit with Gypsy before...? TOM [to CROW, stage whisper]: It's okay! That was when Joel was here! MIKE: Who? CROW: Nothing! TOM: Oh, nothing! Nothing at all...so, that Gypsy's a real...um, nice girl, huh? MIKE: Sure is! CROW: Oh, yeah! Really love her beaches, wanna shake her tree -- TOM: Crow! Ix-nay! Harassment! MIKE: Think clean thoughts, chum. TOM: Or else we're out *buckets* of money! MIKE: Yeah, that would be very unprofessional, you know... CROW [to TOM, stage whisper]: What's that mean? TOM [to CROW, stage whisper]: Nobody knows! All people know is that it shows up on your review when you're due for a raise but don't get one! CROW [quickly changing the subject]: ...soooooo, anyway, Mike...hitting the links this weekend? MIKE: Sure, thought I might go ahead and spoil a good walk, heh-heh! CROW: Well, why don't you tag along with me? I got some tee time coming -- and who knows, I might just fall apart by seven strokes on the back nine to give you the win again, heh-heh-heh! [If Crow could wink to Tom, he would] MIKE [thinks about it for a few seconds]: Well...why not? I've got a new driver I'd like to try out... CROW: Oh, is that one of those new Slazenfeld FZ-9's, with the graphite shaft and 15-degree heads? MIKE [brightens up a bit]: You bet! It's got a sweet swing -- TOM [butting in]: Well...hey, maybe I'll come along, too! Sure...I love golf! Especially the part where you hit it through the little windmill! [Commercial sign starts blinking. CROW and MIKE, who were talking drivers, stop dead.] CROW [incredulous]: The...little...? [starts to snicker] MIKE: Uh...we'll be right back, folks. [punches button for commercial sign] TOM: Oh, sure! And that castle, where you knock the ball in the front, and it can come out one of three holes in the back... [TOM keeps going on about miniature golf. MIKE looks a bit pained. CROW is snickering uncontrollably.] [After commercial break: TOM, now in a tie, is looking distraught at a piece of paper. CROW is still in a golf shirt, now with a golf club over one shoulder.] TOM: "Lacks initiative"? What does he mean by that? CROW [breezily]: Oh, wouldn't know, Tom...welp, I'm off to the links! TOM [grumbling]: Guess that means he's headed to a Denny's for a Grand Slam with sausage or something... [Light flashes, signaling a call from the Mads. MIKE appears, herding CROW back into shot.] MIKE: Whoa! Hey, cool it, you guys! The boys upstairs on Mahogany Row are calling! [Cut to the interior of the Flying Minivan of Death, with PEARL at the wheel, the OBSERVER riding shotgun and holding his brain in a dish as usual, and BOBO in the back seat.] PEARL [smugly]: So...you think playing "corporate boy" is going to spare you my wrath, Nelson? Well, guess again, because no glass ceiling is going to keep me from terrorizing you! We need appropriate music! Toss me another 8-track, Bobo! BOBO [to OBSERVER, ignoring PEARL]: ...yes, actually, we apes are some of the original "Beltway Bandits"! You can tell by the overly consonantal names: OookTron! RoarTech!! OBSERVER: Sorry, but I'm afraid where we come from, there is no middle management. See? [indicates his brain] We still have *ours*. PEARL: Bobo? C'mon. _Queen's Greatest Hits_. *Now*, Bobo. BOBO [still ignoring PEARL]: And my favorite -- [really hams this one up] OookOookOOOOOOOOKKSoft, Incorporated! OBSERVER: Oh, I see. Monkey business. [PEARL takes a reflexive, vicious swipe at the OBSERVER's brain.] OBSERVER: Stop that! I had to say it! It was *there*!! PEARL: Give me that! You're obviously not using it! [gives up, addresses camera] Well, maybe I'll get Nelson's...when it dribbles out his ears after reading this latest stinky anime non-masterpiece! It's from a Web page by KevinK69 -- BOBO [sarcastically]: Oh, you *wish*! PEARL: -- at Netcom -- OBSERVER [somewhat admiringly]: An AOL name at a Netcom address? And I thought *we* were an evil combination! PEARL: -- and it's a rancid little crossover tale entitled, "Dragonball GX"! Attention, Mr. Nelson! [presses a button] Here's an incoming memo from your CFO -- Cheesy Fanfic Originator! BOBO [AOL voice]: "You've got mail!" [All cackle evilly.] [Cut to the SOL. Flashing lights everywhere. MIKE and the 'bots panic.] MIKE: FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!! [Tunnel sequence. The three seat themselves, and are presented with:] What is DragonBall GX. CROW: Besides a lousy fanfic... TOM [commercial voice]: "Yes, you'll enjoy the 350 horsepower of the new Dragonball GX! [speeds up] Power steering and decent plot optional." DragonBall GX is a fanfic combining the two worlds of DragonBall Z and Xena(Think of it as a Recese Peanut Butter Cup). CROW: Not very nourishing, and makes your hands all messy! MIKE: Does that mean you can only eat it at *recess*, or something? The serise takes place months after DragonBall GT ended. In the fanfic I've made the Main Character Xena and Gabbreale into Sayanjins.Then I'll add more characters as the serise continues. MIKE: "Serise"? It's a shade of green? TOM [mincing]: No, you're thinking of chartreuse! Cerise is a lovely shade of pink, a touch brighter in value...perfect for contemporary dresses or evening gowns... CROW: So what we've got so far is a pink peanut butter cup? Here are the current profiles of main characters. Some of them are updates of the DragonBall Characters and histories of the Xena characters. Goku: He is grown as a young man since DBGT. He still has a tail from the GT series. TOM: That he can't seem to shake. Gohan: The same since GT. Goten: His Girlfriend left him after GT, Still Single. MIKE: If she left him, she would still be single, wouldn't she? Pan: Has grown as an older teen, Trains with his Grandfather and Uub. TOM: Which I guess makes him an *older*, older teen... CROW: Did he bring his pipes? Uub: Still has the power from the Majin Buu since GT, Is still training with Goku and spars with Pan. MIKE: Five bucks to anyone who can pronounce that name. CROW: Sounds like something you'd say involuntarily after a jalapeno-and-pineapple pizza. Chi-Chi: Goku's wife. TOM [singing]: His boy, Elroy! Buma: Has long hair again. TOM: And is on leave from _Bubblegum Crisis_. Bra: Older and has shorter hair. MIKE: Another unfortunate name. TOM: What is with the emphasis on hair? Trunks: Now Has Long hair like Mira (Future) Trunks. He is president of Capsule Corporation. MIKE: "Serving the pharmaceutical industry since 1964." CROW [Groucho voice]: "Wouldn't it be easier to put the stateroom in the Trunks?" TOM: Why does he mention everyone's hairstyle?! Vegeta: His Hair is fully-grown again. TOM: WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR?! Who's writing these profiles, Vidal Sassoon? Piccolo: Died in GT and is still training in the after world with Kaio. CROW [Warren Zevon voice]: "His hair was perfect!" Kaio-Shin: A Old wise man from MIKE: From...? Oh, wait, I get it! It's a Mad Lib! Okay, guys, "place"! TOM: Uhhh...the White House! CROW: Ypsilanti! TOM: The fire escape! CROW: Babylon 5! TOM: Fresno! CROW: Tom's sock drawer! TOM: Hey! Kibit: Loyal assistant of Kaio-Shin. MIKE: Y'know, if you say "Kibit" in the modem aisle at a computer store, I bet they laugh at you. Vidle: Wife of Gohan and Daughter of Mr. Satan. CROW [New York voice]: "Hi, I'm Satan! Enjoy da fanfic!" Mr. Satan: Retired champion of the Tenchi-Budakai. MIKE: Which is next door to the Tenchi-Muyo. TOM: "Thank you, Budakai! Cheap Trick says goodnight!" Kamasen: Still an old and dirty man. CROW: We love him that way. Now The Xena characters in the GX universe. ALL: NO! NOOO!! Xena: She is now a Sayanjin and the mother of Goku or she calls him Kakaroto. CROW: She can't figure out which. TOM: Okay, wait -- she's the mother of Goku, who has a granddaughter in the series...boy, they preserve 'em well down in New Zealand, don't they? Gabrielle:She is also a Sayanjin also but also 1/2 Amazon. MIKE: And also uses too many "also"'s, also! CROW: Gabrielle got a special deal at Target. Become Sayanjin today, you can become half Amazon, absolutely free! TOM: And *she* calls Goku "Snookums". Ares:Unknown right now??? MIKE: Well, thanks for clearing *that* up. Comming soon. DragonBall GX FAQ! CROW: The most frequently asked question being, "What the hell was all that?" Episode One: TRANSFUJIN BEWARE, SOMEONE IS EXPECTING YOU! MIKE: "Hey, which one of you Transfujin ordered the pizza?" DragonBall GX Episode 1 TOM: "A Quinn Martin Production!" This series will contain graphic violence in a graphic nature. Parental guidance suggested. CROW: As opposed to graphic violence of a light and jolly nature. This series is in no intention to infringe the copyright holders of Universal copyright 1995, Ban Dai. Copyright 1989, and Akria Toryama. MIKE: Ban Dai...that's that lousy alternative rock band -- CROW: No, no, Mike, that's *Green* Day! Green Day! TOM: "Copyright" is the wrong thing to put on this. How about "copyWRONG"? __________________________________________________________________ Fade in THE HEAVENS ARE FULL OF STARS AND BELOW THEM THE PLANET EARTH. MIKE: "My God...it's full of stars!" THEN A SAUCER SHAPED SPACECRAFT FLIES OVER THE EARTH. INSIDE WE SEE SOME SOLDER WHO LOOK ALMOST HUMAN. TOM: Some *solder*? It's a space-going metal shop? MIKE: My shop teacher looked almost human... THEY ARE TRANFUJIN WARRIORS WITH THE SO PURPOSE TO HUNT DOWN AND DESTROY THE SAYANJINS. MIKE: The "so" purpose? I guess they're into Home Ec, too. TWO OF THEM WATCH FROM THE SPACESHIP'S BRIDGE. CROW [surfer dude voice]: "Heh-heeeeh...betcha could really hock a loogey from up here! Woo-hoo!" SOLDER#1 "Finally for many years we have waited for this moment, We get to destroy the last of the Sayijins once and for all." MIKE: Yeah, *finally*! SOLDER #2 "Yes now we have our revenge against the man who destroy our favorite creation Baby, Now the super Sayanjin will now feel the wrath of the back solders! Hahahahaha". TOM: Solder #2 apparently wasn't much on verb tenses. MIKE: "Now, when you put this Baby in place, be sure to use plenty of back solder..." WHILE THE SHIP IS LANDING ON THE SURFACE, IN THE HORIZON ANOTHER SHIP SHAPED AS A SPHERE WAS LANDING. CROW: "...and next to a mesa in the desert, a coyote was landing." MIKE: Thank you for flying Northwest! EPISODE 1. TRANSFUJIN BEWARE, SOMEONE IS EXPECTING YOU! MIKE: Uh, yeah, we did that part. TOM: Quinn Martin Production and all that, yeah... IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, 3 PEOPLE WERE TRAINING. TWO PEOPLE WERE FIGHTING IN THE AIR. ONE WAS A YOUNG MAN WHO WAS DARK AND HAS A MOHAWK; CROW: "-- and *none* have anything to do with this story." THIS MAN WAS NAMED "UUB". MIKE: Isn't that the Tick's battle cry? TOM: No, Mike, that's "spoooooon!" THE OTHER WAS A TEENAGE GIRL WITH LONG DARK HAIR TIDE BACK; MIKE: "Tide" back? CROW: Usually she used Woolite! THE GIRL'S NAME IS PAN. CROW: Wasn't Pan a guy in the intro? THE MAN WATCHING ON THE GROUND WAS A MAN IN HIS 40'S. HE HAS WILD BLACK HAIR THAT IS VERY MUSCULAR UNUSUAL FOR HIS AGE, TOM: Hate to break this to you, but having muscular hair is unusual for *any* age. THE MAN WHO IS WATCHING IS NAMED GOKU, HIS FACE HAD AN EXPRESSION OF CONCERN, BOTH UUB AND PAN STOPPED FIGHTING. UUB. What is it Goku. MIKE: "It's an expression of concern! Weren't you reading?" CROW: This is sounding like a script they rejected for Speed Racer. PAN. Oh-gichan (Grandfather) TOM: Yeah, whatever. GOKU. I feel something is coming, I have never felt a ki since the battle against Baby, but I feel there are more of them. TOM: "Well, the bathroom's the second door on the left..." UUB. I feel it to, They must have made a whole army of them, What should we do Goku San. CROW: PANIC!! MIKE: You feel it to *what*? GOKU. We must find them before they attack this planet. THEN GOKU FLIES OFF INTO THE SKY. TOM: ...to get as far away from the fleet as possible. UUB. Goku! UUB TAKES OFF TO FOLLOW GOKU. MIKE [Bob & Doug voice]: Oh, like, Uub's a hoser, eh? CROW [Bob & Doug voice]: Oh, yah. Like, Goku *flies* off, Uub *takes off*, eh? PAN. Hey! Wait for me. MIKE: "I can't fly!!" EXT. DAY: THE MANCHIN. TOM: "Stately home of Charles Foster Kane..." MIKE: "Whoever knows fear burns at the Man-Chin's touch..." CROW: Okay, I'll bite. What is a "manchin"? MIKE: It's a chin that walks like a man. CROW: Oh, Antonio Banderas! TRUNKS. Long purple hair, in his late 20's. Is taking a swim. TOM: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE HAIR, ALREADY?? GERU. A spherical robot who is an assistant and loyal friend of Trunks. CROW [Twiki voice]: "Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee! What's up, Buck?" GERU BEGINS TO FEEL THAT A PRESENTS IS COMING TWORDS THE MANCHIN. MIKE [Twiki voice]: "Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee! Oh, goody! Presents! Maybe it's my order from Victoria's Secret!" TOM: Whatever F-key you're pressing for the spell checker, it's the wrong one... GERU someone is coming! Someone is coming! CROW [Tattoo voice]: "De plane! De plane!" TRUNKS STOPS AND LOOKS AT THE SKY, SOME ONE IS LANDING BY TRUNKS POOL. MIKE: "Trunks" and "pool" should not be in this sentence together. TOM: Are you suggesting that he should be in the pool without his trunks? Mike, I'm shocked, I really am... MIKE: Don't go there. TOM: Sorry. VEGETA. A MAN IN HIS 40'S WHO HAS HAIR STICKING UPWARDS, VERY ARAGENT CHARACTER. CROW: "Aragent"? Maybe he's into heraldry... TOM: From context, "aragent" apparently means you don't have enough Dippity-Doo. TRUNKS Dasan! VEGETIA Trunks! I feel that the remaining Tranfujins are coming towards this planet and if I'm right, so will Kakaroto. TRUNKS I'm must inform the others. Geru I want you to call the others and tell them what's happening. CROW [Twiki voice]: "Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee! If I'm calling them, why did you say *you* must inform them, dickweed?" Dasan give me a minute to change, I'll be with you in a minute. TOM: "Did I mention I need a minute?" EXT: THE SON HOME. CUT TO AN INTERIOR WHERE WE SEE TWO PEOPLE GOHAN AND HIS WIFE VDIDDLE. MIKE: Oh, a car with only one headlight! TOM: That's a "pa-diddle", Mike! CROW: And no, I do *not* owe you a kiss! Blech! VEDDLE. What is it? MIKE: I just said, it's a car with one headlight! Didn't you ever drive when you were a teenager? TOM: Wasn't she just "Vdiddle"? CROW: Yep, only now she's Veddle...Eddie Veddle! TOM [singing]: "Jer-e-my spoke in...cla-a-ass todaaaay!" GOHAN I feel the ki of the tranfujins; never I have felt many more of them coming. MIKE: No, Crow. CROW: What? Who? Me? THEN GOHAN HEARS VOICE OF HIS FATHER GOKU INSIDE HIS HEAD. MIKE: "You should clean up in here, Son! It's messy!" GOKU (telepathically) Gohan, do you feel it? CROW: "Not often..." MIKE: Crow! CROW: Oh, bite me. It's fun! GOHAN (responding).Yes DaSan, where are you? TOM: "Outta here. Good luck! Write me if you survive!" GOKU I'm flying towards the source with Pan and Uub, I need your help, Get Goten to come with and maybe Piccolo if possible, and the others We need all the fighters we can get. GOHAN Dasan, I'll be right there, don't worry I'll get help. MIKE: "What's your call-back number? Should I meet you at the McDonald's?" Then Viddle turns toward Gohan. VIDDLE What is it? MIKE [irritated]: It's just a car with one headlight, okay!? Just a silly game we used to play... TOM: Notice it's "Viddle" this time? CROW: Maybe next it'll be "Vitale". TOM [Dick Vitale voice]: "Ohhhh, BABY! He's a prime-time player, baby!!" GOHAN It was my father, Something is coming here and it is not good, TOM: The next chapter? Viddle I need you to call Goten, Vegeta, Trunks and the others, Tell them to follow Goku's Ki, Our planet is in great danger. VIDDLE Please don't go I don't want to lose you. TOM [with absolutely no emotion]: No, wait. Stop. Come back. GOHAN Let go I need to help my Father and friends. CROW: "Let go of me, you damn dirty ape!!" VIDDLE Please let me come. GOHAN No! This fight is too dangerous for you; you must stay to protect oh-Kasan (mother) and the others. Please, I love you and I'll never forget you. TOM: "Yeah, I'll never forget you, Vidle, or Vdiddle...or Veddle, or...say, what was your name again?" Gohan flies right out of the window to find his father Goku CROW: "Wait! I can't fly either! AAAAAaaaaaaah...!" VIDDLE Gohan! IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, THE PEACE IS FINALLY SHATTERED BY LARGE SPACESHIP LANDING ON THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET. MIKE: Huh! Yeah, *finally*! About time! AFTER IT LANDS A BUNCH OF TRANFUJIN WARRIORS CAME OUT OF THE SPACESHIP AND TWO OF THEM CAME OUT LAST. THEY WERE THE STRONGEST OF THE ARMY. THE FIRST SOLDER WAS NAMED BEET AND HIS LIEUTENANT WAS GRAPE. TOM: This segment of the story brought to you by the produce growers of California. BEET So this is the planet where the super-Sayanjin lives. GRAPE That's correct, too bad that baby had to die, but now we can punish all of those who betrayed our leader. CROW: "With TOR-CHAH!!" TOM: Hey, you remembered that one! MEANWHILE THE Z-FIGHTERS WERE FINALLY STARTING TO MEET IN MID-AIR ALL: FINALLY!! JOINING GOKU, UUB, AND PAN ARE GOHAN AND HIS BROTHER GOTEN. GOHAN. Oh-Dasan. GOKU Gohan, glad you brought Goten with you. MIKE [high-pitched voice]: "Well, if I leave him in my room, he chews up all my comic books and wets on the rug!" GOTEN No Dasan, I also felt that ki coming also, I've just found Gohan on the way. TOM: ...Also! Then two other Z-fighters join the group. Their names are Vegeta and Trunks. GOKU Vegeta! Vegeta Kakaroto, I know, I felt the Ki coming also. CROW [upper-crust voice]: "For the finest in dining experiences, try the Vegeta Kakaroto..." TOM: And keep the cup! These are tranfujin I've feel, These must be the black army sent out to avenge their race, and the black army is been enhanced for the sole purpose to fight the sayanjins and to wipe them out. MIKE: Oh, so Vegeta is David Duke! Goku Why come here! VEGETA It's obvious, they must sense Baby's Ki and decided to join him to restore their planet. But now Baby is dead, they want to kill everyone on earth. MIKE: But don't we all? PAN Not that Oh-Gechan can help it, I Bellevue he can stop them when he goes super Sayanjin 4. TOM: Wait, what's this about Bellevue? CROW: It's where the writer should be committed to! GOKU I hope so Pan, For everyone's sake. GOTEN If not, theirs always Gotenks. Meanwhile, the Transfujin army awaits their orders from Beet BEET Now for the vengeance of the black army, go and kill everyone who betrayed our master. CROW: "Whaddaya mean, 'everyone'?" MIKE: "EV-ER-Y-ON-N-NE!!!" TOM: Whoa, Mike! Kind of overdoing the Gary Oldman bit there! The Transfujin solders (in unison) Hi! ALL: "How are ya?" Then the Tranfujin army flies away into the sky, Then suddenly they're were several flashes in the sky, Then several bodies and body parts fall out of the sky. CROW: Next time, fly over Iraq! They can't knock a thing out of the sky there! BEET Yani! TOM: Wait a minute -- Yanni, the kids' singer, blew these guys out of the sky? THEN SOMEONE STARTS TO LAND FROM THE SAME PLACE WHERE THE SOLDERS PARISH. TOM: Robert Parish! MIKE: I guess when solder perishes, it comes down in little drips of molten metal... THE PERSON WHO IS A WOMAN DRESSED IN BLACK LEATHER TROJAN WITH SAYANJIN ARMOR. CROW: ...Did I just read that? SHE APPEARS TO HAVE A SWORD ON HER BACK AND HOLDING IN HER HAND A ROUND RING OBJECT. HERE HAIR MATCHES THE TROJAN AND HAS EYES DEEP AND BLUE AND DETERMINED. BEHIND HER WAS A LONG MONKEY TAIL OF A SAYANJIN. TOM: Oooookay...so *here*, as opposed to elsewhere, her hair matches her...prophylactic of choice, she's holding something which could be the air filter off an '83 Toyota for all the description we're given, her eyes are determining something, *and* she's got a monkey tail. Just kill me now!! CROW: I just can't get past that black leather Trojan... NARRATOR The Tranfujin can't believe that A Sayanjin appeared from nowhere, [ALL begin looking around.] MIKE: I can't believe a narrator appeared from nowhere. Will this woman be a friend or an Alley. TOM: Kirstie Alley! MEANWHILE THE Z-FIGHTERS ARE FLYING CLOSER TO THE BATTLEZONE AND VEGETA FEELS SOMETHING THAT HE NEVER FELT BEFORE. [MIKE grabs at CROW's beak and misses.] VEGETA (VO) I can believe-It's impossible! CROW: "A black leather Trojan!" Yes, yes!! I said it! MIKE: CROW!! TOM: Oh, great...now the Southern Baptists are going to lump us in with Disney... Commercial Preview Goku VO Hi I'm Goku; CROW: "And didn't that just suck?" Yani there is another Sayanjin woman who appeared from no where, Just In the nick of time. WOMAN'S VOICE So you are looking for the Super Sayanjin 4 warrior, You are looking one. MIKE: Um... TOM: Er...um... CROW [Monty Python voice]: "'Fraid we don't understand your banter, old chap..." GOKU VO DragonBall GX, "Yani, There is another super Sayanjin 4 warrior". TOM: Why does he keep talking to Yanni? MIKE: 'Cause I don't think Vidal Sassoon made it past the black leather Trojan... VEGETA (VO) Bakara, A Woman has even surpassed me! CROW: And your point is...? To Be Continued. [ALL get up to leave the theater.] TOM: So. Anybody know what the plot is? MIKE: Nope. CROW [muttering]: Something about Yanni blowing up an army, guys with spiky hair... [Tunnel sequence in reverse, ending with MIKE and the 'bots back in the SOL's control room. They all sigh as if they've just gone through a very trying experience.] MIKE: Whew! Well, my little robot monsters, that was really, truly... CROW: Bad. MIKE: ...bad. Just...absolutely... TOM: Bad. Yeah. MIKE: Bad. TOM: Yeah. e e cummings had better and more consistent spelling. CROW: And we didn't even really get to see Xena until the end, when Yanni showed up! Although she did have on a black leather Trojan, which...well, to be perfectly honest, I'm still trying to figure out... MIKE: Hush, child. Anyway, for me, I think it was those names! I mean, Beet, Grape, Trunks...! CROW: Ah, well, there is an explanation for that! And I'll let Servo explain since he's so much more obviously a fanboy than I am! Tom? TOM [stilted]: Why, thank you so much, Sailor Crow! [back to normal] See, Mike, Torayama actually goes ahead and names his characters using related but otherwise nonsensical English words, just like...well, everyone else in Japan! CROW: Right! So Bra, Trunks, and Buma -- or "bloomers" -- all got named when Torayama was in a particularly randy mood! TOM: ...which Crow would, of course, notice. And Beet, Grape, and Vegeta -- short for "vegetable", of course -- were named in an equally silly fashion. MIKE: Okay, well...I guess that sort of made sense. But hey! What about Uub? Where did that one come from? TOM: Ah, Uub is a very long story, Mike...a long and tragic tale. In fact, it's funny you should ask, because I've developed a short slide presentation on "The Life of Uub"! Would you like to check it out? CROW: You do *not* want to see this, Mike. MIKE: Well, I suppose I'd -- TOM: Okay, roll it, Cambot! CROW [muttering]: Nice going, dweeb. [The control room darkens. Projected on the wall behind them is a shot of Uub, a young flying man with a mohawk in typical Dragonball costume. MIKE and CROW step out of the way and turn to watch.] TOM [narrating]: A-hem! "Uub, the enigmatic! Uub, the secretive! Uub, the funnily-named! We know of his dramatic exploits in the Dragonball series, which have continued on into fanfic, where he adds such insightful dialogue as 'Ah!' and 'Nani?' and 'What is it?' But what do we *really* know about this secretive Saya-jin?" Next please, Cambot! CROW [muttering]: And do we care? [The next slide shows the same character as a baby -- same clothes, same mohawk, not yet flying.] TOM: "He was born the son of Jockey Shorts and Muskmelon, in an exceptionally Japanese portion of a distant galaxy! Unable to come to a decision over whether the infant should be named for his father's side of the family as an article of naughty undergarments, or after his mother's side as something one might find in the produce section at the supermarket, they decided instead to name him 'Uub', as that was what his dear mother called him during bouts of morning sickness!" CROW: You're making this up! TOM: Next slide, Cambot! [The next slide shows Uub walking away from a school, crying, with a trio of similarly dressed students taunting him behind his back.] TOM: "As a result, Uub never fit in well in Saya-jin School." [Cambot flips the next slide, which shows Uub in flight once again.] TOM: "Eventually, he left that galaxy looking for one where his name wouldn't be a handicap. He found Gohan, and joined the Dragonball universe. As Dragonball stories consist of a maximum of ten minutes of character development per episode, with the remainder of the dialogue being grunts and yells during the fight scenes, he knew he, like Trunks, Mr. Satan, and the rest of the oddly named characters, would never have to worry about their name being called excessively again. They had found a home in Dragonball -- The 'Island of Misfit Toys' of Anime!" Lights please, Cambot! [Cambot turns on the lights.] TOM [Linus voice]: "And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown." [Commercial sign starts flashing.] MIKE: Wow. CROW: You're evil, Tom. MIKE: We'll be right back. [hits button] DragonBall GX Epesode 2:YANI, THERE IS ANOTHER SUPER SAYANJIN 4 WARRIOR [MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.] MIKE: Thanks for explaining that, Tom. TOM: No problem, Mike. Glad to add to your cultural literacy. CROW: You suck-up. DragonBall GX EPISODE 2 This series will contain graphic violence in a graphic nature. Parental guidance suggested. MIKE: "Hey, Mom! It says parental guidance suggested! Can I stop reading now?" This series is in no intention to infringe the copyright holders TOM: -- never mind that it is! CROW: This author is in no intention of using correctly English. of Universal copyright 1995, Ban Dai. Copyright 1989, and Akria Toryama Copyright 1984.. CROW: Yeah, and Tom? Bandai would like a word with you over that last segment... Title: YANI, THERE IS ANOTHER SUPER SAYANJIN 4 WARRIOR MIKE: "Super Sayanjin 4: The Voyage Home." TOM: "Now you're playing with POWER!" IN THE MIST OF FLIGHT, CROW: Somebody broke out the fog machine. THE OTHER Z WARRIORS GOKU, GOHAN, GOTEN, MIKE: Go fish! TUNKS, VEGETA, PAN, AND UUB ARE GETTING CLOSER OF THE SOURCE OF THE KI THAT THEY FELT EARLIER. VEGETA IS AWARE THAT ANOTHER KI HAS APPEARED THAT HE NEVER FELT IN A LONG TIME. MIKE [Timothy Leary voice]: "I have the key to the universe..." CROW [Cheech Marin voice]: "'Ey, man, this is not the ki!" VEGETA (VO) I can't Believe it, I thought she died with the planet a long time ago, Dam now I have to face the warrior princess. TOM: Suddenly he sounds like a Captain Planet villain! CROW [bombastic]: "I thought she died with the planet, but now I have to face those annoyingly PC Planeteers!" GOKU Vegeta what is it? MIKE: It's a bad spinoff from New Zealand. VEGETA Nothing Kakaroto, Just feeling the Ki getting closer, We should be to far now. CROW: "Oh, good! I want to be too far!" PAN (speaking to her father Gohan) Papa, can Oh-Gechan be right about the Transfujin? Are they going to attack? GOHAN I know my father is right all the time. MIKE [bitter]: Oh, yeah, he's right *all* the time! He's never wrong! Like that time I took off my training wheels and Dad said I wasn't ready? I hopped it over a curb and broke my finger! Or with that girl in the seventh grade, and Dad said she wasn't *really* interested? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE -- CROW: Tom! Hose him down! TOM: Mike, get a grip! Have some Sanka, or a waffle or something! It's all right to be afraid, I here with you. TOM: "-- And most people are afraid when they're with me!" MIKE: I'm okay, now. The fanfic was getting to me... CROW: Yeah. This could be sold to counteract Prozac. PAN Afraid! Ha, I'm looking forward to kick some Ass! CROW [Butt-head voice]: "-- Beavis!" [TOM and MIKE provide appropriate vacant laughter.] GOHAN GIVES A SURPRISING RESPONSE. TOM: And, apparently, we're not *privileged* enough to be told what it is! THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, AN AIRCRAFT WITH THE MARKING OF CAPSULE CORPORATION FLIES BY. A WOMAN FLYING THE AIRCRAFT HAS BLUE SHORT HAIR AND HER CO-PILOT IS A YOUNGER VERSION OF HER SELF, THE OLDER WOMAN YELLS OUT OF THE AIRCRAFT. MIKE: Wow, she yells her own narration! BUMA Yo! Vegeta! Goku! CROW [Rocky voice]: "Yo, Adriennnnne!" GOKU Oh, Hi Buma! TOM: "Can I get you some coffee, or something?" VEGETA Bakra what are you doing here, CROW [high-pitched voice]: "I thought I was Buma!" MIKE: Buma, Bakra...Bakra, Buma... TOM and CROW [singing]: "Let's call the whole thing off!" We are coming towards some very pist off transfujins, Go Back home or get yourself killed. CROW [growling]: "I'll do it myself!" TOM: "Pistoff"? Sounds like a dead Soviet Premier. BUMA No way, I want to see them my self. Besides I was under their control CROW [high-pitched]: "-- and I liked it!" so I know how they fight. I just might be helpful. MIKE: Oh, great. "Dear, you've just been hit by enough raw energy to boil away earth's oceans in a single, searing blast! Just being helpful! Can I get you some Noxzema?" VEGETA Then what's my daughter doing on your craft? [ALL clear their throats and whistle nervously.] BRA I just came for the ride with mom, besides she might need my help! VEGETA (VO) Those idiots, I hope they won't get killed by their stupidity. CROW [growling, as VEGETA]: "-- Before I get a chance to do it!" MIKE [grumbling, as VEGETA]: "Aw, jeez...I hate it when my wife comes along on these supervillain battles...Now the guys will make fun of me at the next poker game! They'll probably even make me buy the beer!" EXT. BATTLE FIELD DAY. TOM: If L. Ron Hubbard wrote the script to _Independence Day_... MOMENTS BEFORE, THE TRANSFUJINS WERE ABOUT TO DESTROY ALL THE HUMANS ON EARTH. CROW: Which would have left Roseanne Barr. MIKE: Oooooo! AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR APPEARED OUT OF KNOW WHERE. TOM: I know where! I know where! MIKE [as Alex Trebek]: "Please state your answer in the form of a question." THE TRANSFUJINS ARE STILL IN SHOCK. BEET How dare you just come here and kill all my men? MIKE [still as Alex Trebek]: "No, I'm sorry, Beet, that is wrong. Crow?" CROW: "Ahh...'what is a crappy fanfic?'" MIKE: "Yes! Select again!" Wait a minute you got a tail, So you must be one of the Sayanjin on this planet, but how did you know we were coming. MIKE: "My tail has Caller ID!" WOMAN First of all I am not from this planet. I came here to finally look for my son. ALL: FINALLY!! Second, I spotted you before you landed and who do you think you just come here and kill everyone on this planet not having a chance to meet my son. CROW [singsong]: "-- And who do you think you being and speaking of English not having a talent writing and to using grammar?" BEET You'll see about that, attack! MIKE [muddled, as BEET]: "Oh, wait...you guys are already dead. Damn, that's so embarrassing when I order my dead soldiers to attack...um, sorry..." SUDDENLY SEVERAL MORE TRANSFUJINS COME OUT OF HIDING AND ATTACK THE WOMAN. THEN THE WOMAN IMMEDIATELY LEVITATES UPWARDS AND THROWS HER ROUND OBJECT AT THE MEN. TOM: As opposed to levitating in some other direction? CROW and MIKE [singing]: "It's Maaaa-riiiine Booooy...braaaave aaaand freeeee...!" THEN SHE DRAWS HER SWORD AND ATTACKS THE TRANSFUJINS CLOSE BY; THE ROUND OBJECT SLICES THE TRANSFUJINS EASILY. TOM [annoyed]: And what is with this "round object"? Can we be more specific, please? MIKE: It's a deadly ninja throwing bagel! THEN SHE LANDS BACK ON THE GROUND. SHE PLACES HER SWORD BACK IN HER CASING THEN THE ROUND OBJECT RETURNS AND GRABS IT IN FRONT OF HER AND AT THE SAME TIME THE DEAD TRANSFUJIN WARRIORS LAND ON THE GROUND. CROW: Got that? MIKE: No. CROW: Good. Hoped it wasn't just me. TOM: I haven't been this confused since I started watching _Akira_ thirty minutes in. BEET I C-Can't believe it; MIKE: I can't *understand* it! my army is all destroyed! You! You! TOM: "Ladies and gentlemen, Xena and her Hubcap of Death!" WOMAN Don't get upset, Soon you and your friend will be joining them. BEET. Joining them, HA! My LT. Grape is the best-trained warrior. TOM: "We got him from Welch's!" He's been training for years now. You'll be just a warm up for the Super Sayanjin 4 warrior. GRAPE BEGINS TO POWER UP, HIS BODY DISCHARGES SOME ELECTRICAL STATIC. CROW [as Xena]: "Oh, the agony! I'm afraid he'll rub his shoes on the carpet and try to touch me on the neck!" HIS MUSCLES BEGINS TO INFLATE. MIKE: He's on the Ben Johnson training program! [CROW whinnies.] EXT. SKY DAY. GOKU AND THE OTHERS FINALLY ARRIVE IN THE AREA. THEY WATCH FROM THE DISTANCE IN THE AIR. GOHAN Here they are, look; they're dead bodies all over the ground. MIKE [frat boy voice]: "Huh-huh! Keg party! Woo-hoo!" I can see two of them on the ground and I see another one but it looks like a Sayanjin. GOKU So you are right, there is a Sayanjin, Hay it looks like a woman. GOKU (VO) I feel I might know her from somewhere. VEGETA (VO) I can't believe she's alive. Now I certain I'm through. CROW: You were through the moment your agent booked you in this fanfic. EXT. GROUND. GRAPE FINISHES HIS POWER UP AND IS READY TO FIGHT THE SAYANJIN WOMAN. MIKE: "...three Mississippi, four Mississippi, *five* Mississippi! Okay, here I come!" WOMAN So, you traveled all this way to fight the super Sayanjin 4 warrior. (THE WOMAN BEGINS TO REMOVE HER ARMOR.) MIKE: Now, guys, don't -- TOM [providing soundtrack]: Whoa! "Wok-a-chicka, wok-a-chicka...!" CROW: At last! It's almost worth the lousy grammar! WOMAN I guess I'd saved you the trouble. You found one and you are looking at it. BEET You! The super Sayanjin 4 warrior, The one who destroyed baby sama. Ha! WOMAN All right then, You need convincing. I just prove it to you right now. TOM: You just do that! BEET AND GRAPE CONTINUED TO LAUGH. [ALL start laughing.] MIKE: "Ha, ha! And get this -- one of 'em's named 'Uub'!" [CROW and TOM laugh harder.] THEN THE WOMAN SUDDENLY STARTS TO POWER UP, THEN THE EARTH BEGINS TO TREMBLE AND THE WOMAN BEGINS TO SCREAM WITH RAGE. CROW: Ohhhh, it's *that* time of the month! TOM: If Gypsy disassembles you for that one, I'm not stepping in... THEN THEIR LAUGHTER BECAME SILENCE WITH FEAR. COMMERCIAL BREAK [ALL start to get up to leave.] MIKE: Whew... CROW: Glad that's over... TOM: Wow, that was pretty... THE WOMAN CONTINUES TO SCREAM. ALL [surprised]: GAAAAH! TOM: Don't ever *do* that! THE EARTH CONTINUES TO TREMBLE WITH HER POWER. EXT. DAY SKY. THE OTHER Z FIGHTERS LOOK WITH SUCH SURPRISE. GOKU Look at that power she has, could it be, is she that powerful, can she be turning super Sayanjin 4. TOM: Could she, would she, with a mouse? MIKE: Can she, will she, in the house? TOM: Could she, can she, in a snap? CROW: Do we have to read this crap? PAN It's the same Ki. GOKU Same Ki? PAN The same Ki I felt when you went super Sayanjin 4 on the other planet. UUB Yata, Now the Transfujins don't have a chance. MIKE: Um, aren't most of them dead already? CROW: Which one of them is Yata? VEGETA (VO) I can't believe it. That woman has gong super Sayanjin 4, TOM: And Rip Taylor gives her the Gong! That woman has even surpass me. Now I'm really dead. MIKE [kid voice]: "Ooooohhh! Like, when Mom gets home, you are *so* dead!" EXT. GROUND DAY. MIKE: There he goes, mentioning that band again... TOM & CROW: Mike, it's *Green* Day! THE WOMAN CONTINUES TO POWER UP. CROW: "So...should we just wait here, while you...?" TOM: "Okay, well...we'll be right here. Take your time!" THE TRANSFUJINS LOOK ON IN FEAR. THEN THEY SEE THE SPLITTING IMAGE OF GOKU ON THE TRANSFUJIN PLANET. MIKE: Oh, they must get that British puppet show on the Transfujin planet. CROW: That's *Spitting* Image, Mike. TOM [British accent]: "The President's brain is missing!" THE WOMAN CONTINUES TO POWER UP. TOM [calling]: "Okay, still waiting...!" [starts to whistle absently] CROW: "Gin!" TOM: "Again? That's the third hand in a row!" THE WOMAN'S HAIR BEGINS TO RISE WITH THE POWER. HER MUSCLES BEGIN TO GROW. THEN THEY BEGIN TO BE COVERED WITH RED FUR, THE LEGS THE SAME, THEN THE TAIL TURNS RED. THE TRANSFORMATION IS COMPLETE, THE WOMAN HAS BECOME MIKE: -- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. SUPER SAYANJIN 4. TOM: Isn't it always that way? The woman takes off her armor and she's all *hairy* underneath! CROW: How would you know, Servo? TOM: Yeah? Well...you're not my friend any more! So there! GRAPE BEGINS TO WALK AWAY, THEN BEET TURNS AND LOOKS AT GRAPE. CROW: "Get back here! It's your turn to deal!" THEN BEET LOOKS ON AT THE SS4 WOMAN. BEET So this is a super Sayanjin level 4 warrior. [Cutaway to the Flying Minivan of Death. BOBO stares wide-eyed.] BOBO: I'm in love! PEARL: Down, Bobo! Down!! [PEARL shwacks BOBO with her purse. Cut back to the theater.] GRAPE LOOKS VERY SCARED. SS4 WOMAN So, what you are afraid of? CROW: Getting rug-burn! GRAPE Go to hell! GRAPE THEN LAUNCHES AN ENERGY BLAST, JUST ABOUT THE BLAST IS GOING TO HIT THE SS4 WOMAN, and THE WOMAN HITS THE BLAST DEFLECTING IT AND HITS THE MOUNTAIN DESTROYING IT. CROW: Hi-keeba! TOM: Wait, *who* hit the mountain? EXT. SKY DAY. THE Z WARRIORS LOOK ON AT THE BATTLE THEY WITNESS. GOTEN She, She deflected that ki attack. Wow! I wonder I could ask her for a date. TRUNKS Goten, I wonder if she is interested in you. TOM: Goten is apparently "that way"... PAN Cut it out you too, I have to help her. CROW [high-pitched]: "-- shave her legs!" PAN BEGINS TO FLY TO THE BATTLE. GOKU Pan! MIKE: "You forgot your pipes!" THEN GOKU GRABS PAN AND DRAGS HER BACK. PAN Oh-gechan let, let go me! CROW: "You're making me backwards talk!" GOKU Pan! This fight is too dangerous; we must wait; besides we don't know, she could be an enemy. PAN SETTLES DOWN. TOM: She gets married, has two kids, and moves to a single-family home in the suburbs! BUMA BEGINS TO NOTICE VEGETA'S NERVOUSNESS, ALSO TRUNKS STARTS TO NOTICE. BUMA Vegeta, are you all right? You look kinda nervous. VEGETA It's nothing! MIKE: "I filled my travel mug with double espresso this morning!" TRUNKS It doesn't appear that way, you've been looking that way since you arrived here, and do you know this woman? VEGETA I told you it's nothing! Now don't answer me about it again! TOM: "Ah, no, *you* answered...I was the one doing the asking..." MIKE: I think he's still hung up on Jeopardy... TRUNKS Sorry! CROW: "Jeez, what a dickweed!" BUMA (VO) Why is Vegeta so intimidated by this woman? Could she be a former girlfriend? MIKE [high-pitched, as BUMA]: "Vegeta never drinks double espresso at home!" EXT DAY BATTLEGROUND. BEET AND GRAPE LOOK SCARED, THE SS4 WOMAN STILL LOOKS ON. SS4 WOMAN. So are you convinced now? BEET This is not over, Grape you have been looking forward to this attack! TOM: "Take my word for it, you have!" GRAPE THEN CHARGES AT THE SS4 WOMAN. THE WOMAN THEN PULLS OUT HER SWORD. THEN GRAPE LUNGES FOWARD THEN THE SS4 STRIKES AT GRAPE, THEN GRAPE STARTS TO SPLIT IN TWO. MIKE [Mae West voice]: "Beulah, peel me a grape..." TOM: You do that too well, Mike. CROW: Hey, guys, watch this. "So, what kind of Kool-Aid do you want, kids?" BEET Grape! TOM: Oh, you looked ahead! CROW: Did not! THE WOMAN THEN USES HER SWORD AND SLICES GRAPE INTO LITTLE PICES, and THEN SHE PLACES HER SWORD BACK IN ITS HOLDER. TOM [classic _Password_ stage whisper]: "The password is... scabbard!" MIKE: "Yeah, that kind of, um, sword-holding...thingy that she's, um, got..." THEN SHE POWERS UP FOR HER KI ATTACK; EACH HAND BEGINS TO GLOW. CROW: She's gonna drag her ki down the side of their spaceship and ruin their paint job. SS4 WOMAN Final Battle crush! MIKE: Is that like an Orange Crush? TOM [singing]: "I've got my spine, I've got my Final Battle Crush..." THE WOMAN PLACES HER HANDS TO TOGETHER AND THE KI BLAST IS RELASED. THE ENERGY BLAST ENVLOPES THE REMAINS OF GRAPE. BEET I can't Bellevue it, she destroyed us, and she destroyed us. CROW [turning away, shaking his head in disbelief]: The horror...the horror... MIKE: He's back in Bellevue again. TOM: So, y'think she destroyed them? THE ENERGY BLAST CONTINUES ON TOWARD BEET AND THE SPACE SHIP. BEET SCREAMS! ALL: AAAAAAAAIIIIGGGGHHHH!!! THE ENERGY BLAST HITS GRAPE AND THE SPACE SHIP. THE BLAST VAPERISED EVERYTHING ON THE GROUND INCLUDING THE DEAD TRANSFUJINS. MIKE: Clean-up in the produce aisle! THEN THE Z FIGHTERS LOOK ON WITH HORROR. CROW [still shaking his head]: The horror... NARATOR Yani, that woman has easily killed all the Transfujins. [ALL begin looking around for the NARRATOR again.] TOM: Well, what do you expect Yanni to do about it? MIKE: Maybe she'll calm down if he sings her "Baby Beluga"... CROW: Please! I just ate. The Z fighters ponder this question, Who is this woman and is she a friend or enemy? ALL: ENEMY! ENEMY!! PLEASE!! COMERCIAL BREAK GOKU (VO) Hi I'm Goku, MIKE: "-- of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute!" CROW: Oh, good. "Welcome to _Dragonball DSV_." Yani, I can't believe this, That woman is my mom! WOMAN (VO) My name is Xena! TOM [sarcastically]: Nnnoooo...! Really? I've been looking for my son since Vegeta was destroyed. Now I've finally found him. MIKE: Um, Vegeta's still here... GOKU (VO) DragonBall GX. Xena, The mother of Kakaroto. VEGETA POWERS UP TO SUPER SAYAJIN 2 AND ATACKS XENA. CROW: "I hate voiceovers!" Trunks (VO) Dasan, What are you doing! MIKE: "Trying to get an early death scene and get out of this fanfic!" TOM: Dying in the _Dragonball_ universe is even less permanent than dying in the Marvel Universe. CROW: Fanboy. To Be Continued! [ALL get up and leave.] TOM: Hey, you don't suppose if I went Super Sayanjin 4, or whatever, that I could come back after dying in numerous, plot-dependent instances? MIKE: Well, Tom, you *are* a robot... CROW: No problem, Servo. I've done some research, and I think we can handle your, ahem, transformation. TOM: Oh, cool! Can you make me more powerful than Bill Gates? CROW: There are limits, y'know... _____________________ Steve "Scooter" Kramer == scooter@universe.digex.net | __/^\__ ,-^,|-------http://www.universe.digex.net/~scooter/------- |/~ \_ { / |-http://www.access.digex.net/~redcap/portcolice.html- \/\ |! |===================================================== The Grey Cup / / ) |___ "Let my glory be that I had such shall RETURN (_ \ \ / friends as these." to Baltimore! ~v^ ?_,-' -- W.B. Yeats