From: Steve `Scooter' Kramer To: The Vault of Anime MSTings Subject: Second Host Segment [Tunnel sequence in reverse, ending in the control room of the SoL. TOM is standing off to one side, dressed in an orange jumpsuit with a blue sash and trim, looking much like Goku from the story. CROW has a stack of printer paper in front of him which he is absorbed in reading as MIKE walks up.] MIKE: So explain to me again what's going on here? TOM: Well, Mike, I've become inspired by this experiment's story! MIKE [alarmed]: Oh! Wait right there, I'll get you a bucket -- TOM: No, no, no, Mike! I'm inspired by the way the Sayanjins in this story can reach Stage 4 or whatever and blow up mountains, armies, and the like! And Crow here has agreed to help me. MIKE: Help you...? TOM [as if speaking to a four-year-old]: Reach Stage 4, Mike! [GYPSY comes up, holding a bucket by the handle. She puts it down to speak.] GYPSY: Should I spread some sawdust, too? MIKE: No, Gypsy, he wasn't inspired like that... TOM: I can see it now..."Stand back, enemies! I am about to go Super Servo-jin, Stage Four!" GYPSY: Is that a Nintendo cartridge? MIKE: I guess not, Gypsy. Just something the boys are working on -- you are helping with this, right, Crow? CROW [mumbling at first]: "--then unleash your Secret Power Attack, killing everyone, unless you're on *American* TV, in which case you send them to another dimension." Hmmm. Nope, no mention of a black leather Trojan. TOM: What? CROW: Just checking on our materials, Tom. You ready? TOM [upbeat]: As I'll ever be! Hi-keeba! MIKE: Are you sure this will work? CROW [reassuringly]: Of *course* it will, Mike! All that's required is that the subject be pure of heart enough to star in a Japanese TV show that features mostly episode-long fight scenes! Tom is a robot. Can't get much more pure than that! TOM: Right! CROW: And I downloaded these handy instructions from the Internet, so you *know* they must be true, right? Okay, Tom...ready? GYPSY: Maybe I should get the sawdust... CROW: Okay, first, it says you have to be really angry! TOM: Angry! Yeah, angry! CROW [animatedly]: Right, *really* angry!! Really cheesed off! TOM [attempting same]: Angry! Grrrr! Anger, mad, nasty anger! Must...be...angry! Must...talk...like...Shatner! CROW [to GYPSY and MIKE]: He needs some help here. MIKE: Okay, Gypsy, let's see...something that would make Tom angry... GYPSY: Um...ummm...watching movies! Bad ones, with Ross Hagen and Vince Van Patten! TOM: Gypsy, I do that *anyway*. GYPSY: Reading Ratliff stories? TOM: I think I prefer Ross Hagen. Or maybe multiple root canal surgery! Mike, lend a hand here? MIKE: Okay...um, Rush Limbaugh! TOM [slight pause]: That's not anger I'm feeling, that's pity. MIKE: *President* Rush Limbaugh! TOM [quickly]: And that's *fear!!* Try something else! CROW: Tom! Gallagher makes a paycheck -- and you don't! TOM [hopping about a bit]: GALLAGHER GETS PAID!?! MIKE: That did it! CROW: Good! Okay, next part -- you scream! TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!! Like that? CROW: Yeah, keep going! TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!! CROW: Right, right, that's it! TOM: More? CROW: Yeah! TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!! Uh, Crow, how much longer...? CROW [trying to turn the page with his nigh-useless arms]: Well, I, uh...heh-heh!...can't turn this page...[MIKE reaches over and flips the page.] Ah, thank you, Mike. Yeah, Servo, keep going. TOM [by now beginning to warble]: AAAAAAAAAA -- um, can we skip a bit, Crow? CROW: Mike, can you...? [MIKE begins flipping pages for CROW, who scans them quickly as they go by.] Still going...still going...yep, still screaming here, yep...and here...and here...and here...and -- ah! Okay, it now says that "small bits of debris should begin flying about." Mike, can you reach the junk drawer over there? Yeah, just like that... [MIKE reaches into the junk drawer and begins to toss things about -- aluminum foil balls, rubber bands, postage stamps, ATM receipts, Silly String, gum wrappers, a golf ball, Legos, a Beta format tape, floppy disks, and the like -- in a rather pathetic attempt at creating some sort of whirling debris field. TOM adds one or two short screams for accompaniment. Eventually, MIKE runs out of things to throw and looks around, then at CROW.] MIKE: Is he done yet? CROW: Well...he should be at least at Stage 2! TOM [hoarse from screaming]: Apparently Stage 2 is laryngitis! [coughs] CROW: Okay...by now, you should catch fire in a sort of non-burning, mystic way, and your hair should turn blond! TOM [slight pause]: What hair? [MIKE picks up a book of matches. CROW is looking at his instructions desperately looking for something he might have missed.] GYPSY: Does his I.Q. go down, too? TOM [getting really angry now]: Crow, *what hair?* [MIKE lights a match, opens TOM's head, and drops it in. TOM puts off yelling at CROW about hair in an attempt to blow out the match before MIKE does so, but he isn't successful.] TOM: Hey, what're you -- Hey! Ow! Ow, ow, owie! [MIKE watches with disappointment as the match sputters out quickly inside TOM's head.] TOM: Crooooww!! CROW [desperate]: Okay, Tom, don't get upset! Let's try this! Can you form a blazing sword? TOM: What!? CROW: Just yell, "Form blazing sword!" TOM: I'm not yelling any more! And besides, my arms don't work, you moron! CROW [more desperate]: Okay, Tom, don't panic! Let's do this -- I'll get you a sailor fuku, and you repeat after me: "SAIL-AH MOO-O-O-O-OOON!!" TOM [furious]: Funny! I'm not having any trouble being angry right NOW! [TOM rushes past MIKE, who is attempting to restrain him from murdalizing CROW. Suddenly, fanfic sign flashes and pandemonium ensues.] MIKE: FANFIC SIIIIIGN!! TOM: I'LL GET YOU! CROW: AAAAIIGGH!! [ALL (except GYPSY) are swept into the theater for the next reading, which begins...] DragonBall GX Episode 3 [ALL enter. TOM is still bickering at CROW.] TOM: -- *will* go Super Sayanjin one day! And when I do, I'm going to do my "Ka-Me-Ha-Me-HAAA!" attack, and blow you into RAMchips! MIKE: Uh, easy, Tom... CROW: Last time I go to the Saban Web site for info. Epesode 3:XENA: MOTHER OF KAKROTO RECAP OF PREVIOUS EPISODE CROW: Stuff happened. Next? TOM: "Tonight, on a very special _Trapper John, M.D._..." XENA: MOTHER OF KAKAROTO CROW: "The Mother of *All* Kakarotos!" MIKE: Spelled differently than it was two lines ago... TOM: Yeah, this guy can't even copy and paste correctly! EXT.: VALLEY WITH CRATER-DAY. TOM: That's *crater* day, Mike, not -- MIKE: Yeah, yeah, I get it now. THE Z WARRIORS LOOK ON AT THE BATTLEFIELD WHERE THE TRANFUJIN ARMY LANDED. NOW A CRATER LIES IN Its PLACE. THE ONLY ONE STANDING IS A WOMAN WHO JUST GONG SUPER SAYANJIN 4. TOM: And J.P. Morgan gives her the Gong! BUMA That woman had just wiped out an entire army. GOKU Wow that woman is so powerful, I thought I was the only one who can go Super Sayanjin 4. MIKE [as GOKU]: "I think I've got a case for copyright infringement here!" PAN That woman is so cool, I would like her to train me. CROW: "On the paper! Go *on* the paper!" GOKU I'm not so sure, she could attack us at any moment. TOM [as GOKU]: "So go get 'er, Pan! No sense having all of us blown away!" WITH THE APPREHENSION OF THE Z FIGHTERS LOOKING ON, MIKE: How exactly does apprehension "look on"? TOM: "While their apprehension looked on, their sense of wonder went out to a Chinese restaurant to par-tay!" THE WOMAN BEGINS TO LEVITATE HERSELF DOWN. THE FUR BEGINS TO DISAPPEAR AND HER TAIL RETURNS TO Its NORMAL COLOR. HER HAIR FALLS BACK INTO PLACE. SHE RETURNS TO NORMAL. CROW: She has a tail and you're calling her "normal"? GOHAN Now that's a relief, at least she's not threatening at the moment. PAN I'm going to meet her, try not to stop me. MIKE: "Okay, we'll try -- oops! Stopped you! Darn! Reflex action, I guess. Won't happen again." GOHAN (Yelling) Pan! Wait! TOM: "You forgot your pipes again!" WHILE PAN TRIES TO LAND AND MEET THE WOMAN. SHE TRIES TO GET HER SYANJIN ARMOR BACK ON. PAN THEN LANDS AND TRIES TO MEET THE SAYANJIN WOMAN. TOM: "Tries to land"? She's got a possibility of missing the round? CROW: "Tries to meet"? What's she going to do, introduce herself to a tree? MIKE: Apparently, *nothing* is certain where Pan is concerned. PAN You fight very well! CROW [as PAN]: "I just *try* to fight!" WOMAN I try not to fight, CROW [as PAN]: "Oh, so you're not certain of things either, huh?" but if I fight; I fight to win. By the way girl what's your name. PAN Pan! CROW [Little Caesar's voice]: "Pizza Pizza!" WOMAN (Turns Around!) Pan, Well my Name is Xena! TOM [sarcastic]: Really, now! PAN Nice to meet you, don't mind in asking you, are you really a Sayanjin? XENA Yes, How did you know I'm a Sayanjin? TOM: Could have something to do with the dead bodies littering the ground around you! PAN We'll Papa and Oh-Gechan are Sayanjins as Well as the others up there. CROW [as PAN]: "I just *try* to be a Sayanjin!" MIKE: Enough, Crow! BOTH PAN AND XENA LOOK UP TO SEE THE OTHER Z FIGHTERS AND THE HOVER CRAFT THAT BUMA AND BRA ARE RIDDING. XENA So They were above me all this time, TOM: Duhhh... Don't worry I have no intention in harming them. PAN (Yelling) It's O.K.; you can come down now. THE OTHER Z FIGHTERS AND BUMA NOW TRY TO LAND ON THE SURFACE FELLING THAT THEY ARE SAFE. VEGETA ON THE OTHER HAND IS VERY RELUCTANT. BUT SLOWLY TRIES TO LAND. CROW: NO ONE is sure of what they're doing in this fanfic!! MIKE [Yoda voice]: "Do or do not! There is no try!" PAN I'm wondering what's this round thing you used. CROW [as XENA]: "Uh, that's personal. Don't touch it." XENA This is called a charkram. It's a very effective weapon against anything from a long distance. TOM: So's an M-16, but you don't have one of those. PAN Could I hold it? XENA Sure. PAN TAKES THE CHARKRAM FROM XENA'S HAND AND LOOKS AT IT. MIKE: "Let's see...'Keep out of reach of children'..." PAN Cool, Could I try it. ALL: NO! NOOOOO! DON'T *TRY* ANYTHING!! XENA GRABS THE CHARKRAM FROM PAN'S HANDS. XENA Not so fast, You need allot of practice using it, besides you would harm others unintentaly if you can't control it. TOM: Nah. Pan would have to *try* first. PAN Gomen (Sorry) XENA Don't worry I'll show you someday how to use it. CROW [as XENA]: "It's the most beautiful thing we can share, as women..." MIKE: Wrong, Crow. This is *not* a lemon fanfic. CROW: Can be! TOM: No, it can't! Knock it off! THE OTHERS FINALLY LAND ALL: FINALLY! AND MEET UP WITH THE OTHER TWO ON THE GROUND. GOKU So Pan, can you introduce me to your friend? PAN Sure, Xena I would like to introduce my friends and Family. (Pointing) CROW: Woof! This is my grandfather Goku. Goku I would like to introduce to my Friend Xena. GOKU Nice to meet you. PAN Over here is my papa Gohan. TOM: Is she just going to introduce every one of these characters that we've known for the past two episodes? XENA You have a very nice daughter, she is quite a brave woman to come forward and meet me. MIKE: "Usually people don't, because of my ninja throwing donut." CROW: "And my obvious hygiene problems!" GOHAN We'll she might got it from my wife. CROW: "She got her grammar from me!" XENA We'll your daughter has a nice resemblance of me when I was a Kid. GOHAN That's a coincidence, maybe we are related somehow. MIKE: Lesson One, "Foreshadowing for Beginners". PAN OK this is my Uncle Goten. GOTEN Hi, Nice to meet you. TOM: QUIT WITH THE INTRODUCTIONS! GOHAN KISSES XENA'S HAND. XENA SEEMED LESS IMPRESSED. TOM: Aha, character reference screw-up! Call Stan Lee, I want my No-Prize! CROW [to MIKE]: Didn't I tell you he was a fanboy? PAN Sorry, Uncle Goten is like that with the ladies. XENA That's OK, besides he is not my type. TOM and CROW: A-ha! MIKE: Guys, not another word...! GOTEN SEEMED KIND OF DISAPPOINTED WITH THAT REMARK. TRUNKS AND THE OTHER'S LAUGHED. PAN We'll over here is Goten's Friend Trunks. CROW: Okay, there's his trunks...where's the rest of his clothes? TRUNKS Hello. MIKE [Announcer voice]: "No one will be admitted during the breathtaking 'Introduction Scene'!" TOM [irritated]: This is like "rock climbing", only it's *stationary*! PAN Over here, this young girl is Bra. CROW [as XENA, in a husky voice]: "And I can see *why*!" MIKE: Crow! BRA Please to meet you. PAN Next to here is her mother, Buma. BUMA I'm glade to meet you. MIKE: I'm Pledge to meet you. CROW: I'm Endust to meet you. TOM [supremely irritated]: Someone should give "KevinK69" a forcible lesson in *compression of time*!! PAN The guy with the funny hair is my friend and training partner Uub. CROW [Warren Zevon voice]: "His hair was *not* perfect!" UUB Nice to meet you, you are one tough lady I would say, It was incredible in how you dealt with the Tranfujin's XENA Why thank you. ALL: SHUT UP!!! PAN And finally over here is The Prince of the Sayanjins Vegeta. SILENCE AND SURPRISE COMES TO BOTH VEGETA AND XENA. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER's EYES. VEGETA THEN STARTS TO GET MAD, and THEN VEGETA STARTS TO POWER UP. TOM: Ah, good. Someone else is sick of these introductions! VEGETA Over my dead body you kill me without a fight. MIKE [stating the obvious]: Well...yeah.... VEGETA TRANSFORMS INTO SUPER SAYANJIN 2 AND FLIES TOWARD XENA. COMMERCIAL BREAK> VEGETA TRANSFORMS INTO SUPER SAYANJIN 4 AND FLIES TOWARD XENA. CROW: Vegeta can't go Super Sayanjin 3 unless there's a commercial on. TOM: I wish Pan couldn't *introduce* anyone unless there's a commercial on! THEY BEGIN TO FIGHT. THE OTHERS WATCH IN COMPLETE SHOCK AT VEGETA'S ACTION. GOKU THEN FLIES TO STOP THEM FROM FIGHTING. GOKU Stop it Vegeta! TOM: "I didn't say 'Simon Says'!" GOKU THEN TACKLES VEGETA TO THE WALL OF THE MOUNTAIN. THEN TRUNKS FLIES BY TO MEET HIS FATHER AND ASK HIM WHY HE ATTACKED XENA. TRUNKS Dasan (Father) what is wrong with you! MIKE: "Okay, Dad, when's the last time you took your medication? Have you been spitting it back out again?" VEGETA TRIES TO BREAK FREE OF GOKU'S GRASP HE HAS ON THE MOUNTAIN. VEGETA That woman wants me dead! TRUNKS Why! CROW: Besides the obvious, I mean! VEGETA She wants to seek revenge from my father. THEN WE SEE A PLANET DEVASTATED BY WAR. TOM: Uh, yoo-hoo? Segue? Dissolve? Is this a flashback? Where are we? CROW: If we're really lucky, we're now in another fanfic. VEGETA Long ago the Sayanjins were divided by the alliance that was being maid between My Father and Freeza. MIKE: The alliance was a maid? Did the alliance do windows? Many Sayanjins supported my father while some of the Sayanjins oppose the alliance. That woman opposed the alliance. She then formed an army against my father and brequie the title of "Warrior Princes". CROW: "Brequie"? Sounds like a character they cut from _Happy Days_! MIKE: And who are these "Warrior Princes"? This started the civil war on Vegeta. MIKE: I thought *you* were Vegeta! Xena and her army begin to attack cities that supported My Father. Her army killed many people including civilians. ALL: And then...? Then my Father's army caught up with her army. ALL: And then...? Then my father's army defeated her forces and captured her. ALL: And then...? Then they held a trial, They found her guilty but my father spared her life and banished her from Vegeta for life. She vole revenge against my father and me. MIKE [confused]: She sent out a small, sparrow-like bird for revenge? CROW [shouting to off-stage]: Dictionary, please! TOM: This guy gives the weirdest answers to Mad Libs I've ever seen! CROW: At least she didn't "brequie" revenge. CUT TO ANOTHER IMAGE OF A PLANET VEGETA MIKE: Not *the* planet Vegeta, but *a* planet Vegeta. TOM: Collect 'em! Trade 'em with your friends! After Vegeta was destroyed, TOM [weakly]: Uh...you're, um, still here... Freeza sent his Sister Frost and her army after Xena. The last I heard that Xena and Frost was killed on the planet when it exploded. CUT TO EXT.: VALLEY-LATE AFTERNOON CROW: "Valley, Late Afternoon"...sounds like a Moody Blues song. VEGETA After that day I believed that she was gong for good. TOM: And Avery Schreiber gives her the gong! CROW: What's that, three-for-three now? Now she is alive now. TOM and CROW: Now! MIKE: At least it's not "finally" this time... I will never let her kill me without a fight Kakaroto! XENA BEGINS TO FLY TOWARDS VEGETA AND GOKU, THEN WHEN SHE GETS NEAR THEM TRUNKS, GOTEN, AND GOHAN BLOCKED HER FROM COMMING ANY CLOSER. GOKU (Turning his head toward Xena) [CROW makes a noise like a squeaky door.] Is it what Vegeta said is true, Tell me. THE OTHERS WAITED FOR A RESPONSE. XENA'S FACE HAD A SAD EXPRESSION AND TRIES TO SPEAK. CROW: She's been standing around Pan too long! XENA What Vegeta said is true, I did raise an army and I did kill many people on Vegeta, MIKE [British accent]: "Well, we did do the nose...and the hat..." TOM [British accent]: "But she *is* a witch!" I believed once that an alliance with Freeza is wrong and we would be made slaves. So I killed many people including woman and children because they followed the King. MIKE: "Really, it was just a few, here and there -- well, okay, *more* than a few...I mean, what's the big whoop? Jeez!" TOM: "And there was the matter of the guns-for-drugs in Central America..." CROW: She sounds like a Microsoft lawyer in front of the Justice Department. My army lost to King Vegeta and I was banished from the planet, TOM: That's *King* Vegeta she lost to...not to be confused with the *planet* Vegeta or *Prince* Vegeta! CROW: Shouldn't that be "The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As" Vegeta? King Vegeta believed that if I was executed I will be a rallying cry and the war would continue. After I was Banished, I traveled to a planet, then I met another Sayanjin who was a half-breed. I became friends with her and shared many adventures. She changed my life. MIKE: "She introduced me to Amway!" Then one day we met up with other Sayanjins. I fell in love with one of them and became pregnant. TOM [sotto voce]: Fast workers, those Sayanjins! When I went to labor, he smuggled me into Vegeta TOM: Whoa! Time out! Into who? Where? and the doctors saved my life and my baby. Then quickly left Vegeta never seeing my child. TOM [yelling]: Which Vegeta?!? Right afterwards he came to my dreams and told me that he died and Freeza destroyed Vegeta, ALL [yelling]: *WHICH* VEGETA?!? He told me that the child's name was Kakaroto. CROW [Aussie accent]: "-- but we call him Vegeta just to keep it clear!" GOKU'S WAS IN SHOCKED BY THIS REVELATION. THE OTHERS WERE JUST AS SURPRISED. TOM: The readers, however, were bored silly. XENA Yes, you are my son. Your father Bardock told me that you were heading to earth. ALL: And then...? Then he told me that Freeza is sending her sister after me. ALL: And then...? Then I woke up, I believed it was only a dream. ALL: And then...? Then Frost's army attacked me. CROW: Never has mankind witnessed such a crying need for another part of speech. We did defeat Frost's women. Then Frost came and we fought her. At first we thought we killed her; then Frost came back and killed my friend. MIKE: And don'tcha hate it when that happens? That was when for the first time I became Super Sayanjin 4. I fought Frost nearly to the death, and then Freeza destroyed the planet. I escaped nearly with my life on my pod. TOM: "Not *actually* with my life, mind you -- oh, I *did* tell you I was dead, didn't I?" I fell unctuous and when I awoke I was in your solar system and found the Tranfujins heading to your planet. TOM & CROW [snickering out loud]: She fell *what?* MIKE: "I fell so unctuous that I became a used car saleswoman for a while..." THE OTHERS MOVED AWAY FROM XENA AND MOVED TO VEGETA AND FACED HIM. CROW [Arlo Guthrie voice]: "...and they all moved away from me on the bench, there..." XENA I did want to seek revenge against your father by killing you, Now I don't want to, Vegeta is gong and I have no reason to seek revenge. TOM: And Jamie Farr gives her the gong! CROW: Call Chuck Barris and get her off the stage, a'ready! MIKE: Wait, she's talking to Vegeta, but he's gone? CROW: No, he's "gong". Probably tried to get up there and sing "Feelings", or something. VEGETA LOOK SOMEWHAT RELIEVED AND SOMEWHAT SORRY FOR XENA. CROW: "Ahhhhh! Much better! Sorry about your boots." TOM: Oh, we're just going for the cheap laughs now, are we? GOKU LEVITATED TOWARD HER MOTHER XENA AND THEY EMBRACED. MIKE: Wasn't he a he? CROW: He's just *trying* to be male. GOKU Oh-Kasan XENA Kakaroto THE OTHERS WATCH ON IN TOTAL DISBELIEF OF THIS REVELATION. TOM: I disbelieve this! MIKE: Okay. It goes away. TOM [pleasantly surprised]: Oh. Cool! PAN (In Disbelief) Xena is my great-grandmother! NARRATOR At last, Goku is finally reunited with his mother; this day is a new beginning in the saga of DragonBall. TOM: Now there'll be introductions *every* episode! COMMERCIAL BREAK> MIKE: I keep wondering...is the author honestly expecting that we'll get up from the computer and go to the fridge for a sandwich when we read that? GOKU Hi I'm Goku! TOM: "-- and I'm in the market for a new agent!" I'm so happy that my mother is here, but why is she still sad. XENA I should be happy but CROW: "-- I'm still in this fanfic." I still miss my Friend. MIKE [understanding female voice]: "Menopause is tough for all of us, dear..." GOKU DragonBall GX: Make Mother happy: Bring her friend back with the DragonBalls. TOM: Whoa! "Wok-a-chicka, wok-a-chicka..." MIKE: Tom...! [tries to grab Tom by the beak, but can't quite manage] CROW [taking advantage of TOM's distraction] Y'know, that's a nickname I'd *never* considered before! [Still hanging on to TOM and trying to keep him from saying "wok-a-chicka", MIKE flails at CROW's beak. CROW dodges and finishes his line.] PAN What are we waiting for, Let's go! TOM: You heard her, guys... MIKE: Get out! Get out! While we still rate a "V7"! [ALL start to walk out, with MIKE carrying TOM.] CROW: "Let's *try* to go!" MIKE: Crow --! CROW: Chase me! Wheeeee! To Be Continued! TOM [just as he's leaving the theater]: Ack! _____________________ Steve "Scooter" Kramer == scooter@universe.digex.net | __/^\__ ,-^,|-------http://www.universe.digex.net/~scooter/------- |/~ \_ { / |-http://www.access.digex.net/~redcap/portcolice.html- \/\ |! |===================================================== The Grey Cup / / ) |___ "Let my glory be that I had such shall RETURN (_ \ \ / friends as these." to Baltimore! ~v^ ?_,-' -- W.B. Yeats