This is my third solo MSTing, plus one collaboration, all available in a total of eight parts (including this), soon to be nine when I get around to finishing part 2. Have fun... Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to the people at Best Brains Inc. Bubblegum Crisis belongs to Artmic, Youmex and a lot of other people who aren't me. Ruri Hoshino and Nadesico belong to Kia Asamiya and StarChild. Any other anime/movies/television shows/whatever mentioned within belong to their respective owners. Unless they don't, in which case they probably belong to me. The Esper Chronicles belongs Rob Pool. All rights to it are his and he's welcome to them! Please don't construe this as a flame, because it isn't. * * * ( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. ) In the not too distant future, [ A shot of a starscape... Up in the S.o.L., Zoom in on the SoL. ] Mike Nelson and his robot pals, [Mike turns to face Cambot have been condemned to hell. and we zoom back to see the other Bots. At "hell", Fanfic sign goes off.] Their friendly local lunatic cranks, [fade to SoL then zoom down Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, to a shot of Dr. F and Frank.] Have decided that they hate Mike's guts, [Dr. F and Frank shooting darts So they shot him into space at a picture of Mike...fade to and tried to drive him nuts. Dr. F ranting at Mike.] (Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) [A rocket going around the Earth] [Dr. F and Frank, with yellowed We'll send him cheesy fanfics, parchment. Dr. F speaks first The worst we can find (la la la) then drops his and grins evilly] He'll have to sit and read them all, [A back shot of Mike n' the Bots And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) in the theater... fade to a side shot of the same scene.] Now keep in mind Mike can't control, [Part of the door sequence.] Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) [A confused Mike reads "E-Z ROBOT He'll try to keep his sanity, Repair as Crow's head burns... With the help of his robot friends Fade to Mike, tied and gagged begging the Bots to free him.] ROBOT ROLL CALL! ["Robot Roll Call" appears on a blank screen, word by word.] Cambot! (Roll 'em!) [Cambot.] Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) [Gypsy.] Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) [Tom.] Crooooooow! (Bite me!) [Take a wild guess. ;)] If you're wondering how he eats [The SoL flies across the and breathes, screen then Dr. F and Frank And other science facts, (la la la) appear from under it.] Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, [Mike and co. hiding behind a I should really just relax, table with explosives on it.] For Mystery Science Theater 3000 (v. 2.0)!" [Dr. F trying to pay off a policeman, fade to the MST3k globe.] Best Brains on Drugs Presents... MSTed by Blazej Szpakowicz (zek@csi.uottawa.ca) Based on a Bubblegum Crisis fanfiction by Rob Pool MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (version 2.0) EPISODE 103: THE ESPER CHRONICLES (PART 1) It was a sad day, a day of unparalleled mourning on the Satellite of Love. Someone had died, someone its inhabitants knew very well. Some of them, anyway. And they didn't *really* care. *And* they didn't even know he was dead yet so... Ahem. Let's start this again... It was a completely normal and thoroughly unexceptional day on the ol' Satellite of Love. Tom and Crow were arguing. It's not a particularly *noble* thing to be doing, certainly, but they were *very* good at it and very proud of their overwhelming skill in the area. Ruri Hoshino--What's that? You don't know who she is?? Well, then go read Maximum Carnage 2 right now!--was trying valiantly to keep her computer skills sharp for the (hopefully) inevitable time when she'd escape the S.o.L. and return to the Nadesico--actually she could do so more or less anytime... but that's another story. This practice *did* look strangely like playing Quake, of course, but if asked about it, she'd quickly deny any such silly possibility. And Mike Nelson was... nowhere to be seen. Until, leastways, he came onto the bridge carrying a large pile of paper. "Hey, everyone! The mail's arrived!" Immediately, the two Bots stopped their arguing and crowded around Mike. Ruri looked at him, shrugged and then went back to work. (Loosely speaking, of course.) Mike put the large pile down in front of him, eyes gleaming in anticipation. "So, let's see if there's anything for *this* MSTer yet." Crow laughed harshly, "Oh, *please*. Don't be ridiculous. We all know he's *never* gonna get any fanmail." [Bitter, moi? No... ;) -B] "Yeah, yeah, I know," Mike nodded, "I'm just humouring him..." He picked up the first envelope, "Let's see... Megane," he threw onto a *large* pile to his right, "Megane, Megane, Megane, Megane, Jamie, Megane, Megane, Seth, Megane, Shinji, Megane, Megane... Oh, wait, here's somthing! B. Um... no, wait. It's a bill," so saying, he tossed the offending object over his shoulder right into a garbage can. "Um... wouldn't B *want* that, Mike?" asked Tom. "Naah, he wouldn't pay it anyway. Let's see... Megane, Megane, Jamie, Megane, Lynxara, Megane, Megane, Shinji... Occupant. Let's see... 'You may already have won...' Naah. Megane, Megane, Megane, B." he paused for a second in expectation, "this might be it... 'Dear Satellite of Love, c/o B. Szpakowicz. We are writing to inform you that an acquaintance of yours, a Mr. Pat Lee, has passed away recently due to a slight accident during the first Author Avatar tournament. He had a slight, accidental run-in with his vengeful creator and... Pat... Lee? Who's that?" Tom and Crow looked at each other briefly. Then they slowly started to laugh. "So, you know what this means, Tom?" "Indeed I do, Crow, ol' buddy, ol' pal." "Par-ty-time!" the two yelled in chorus. "Whoa, whoa, hold on!" Mike interrupted, "Who on Earth is Pat Lee?" The two Bots paused in their celebration. Finally, Crow spoke. "Well, it's a long story, Mike. Once upon a time, before either of you lucky humans had the privilege of joining us up here. It was back in the dark days, when..." "Crow! Get to the point already." said Mike, interrupting the tirade. "He's a Self-Insertion character from "Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student." Ruri interrupted, "he's very arrogant and conceited despite his humble airs. And he's a real ." The others stared blankly at her for a few seconds. She rolled her eyes, "Gimme a break. I'm an actress. You can't expect me to be exactly like the role I play. You're lucky I'm as close to it as I am. I've no idea how you would have reacted to Chibi Usa..." "Um, never mind." Mike answered, "so," he asked, turning to the Bots, "did you guys 'meet' him back with... you know..." Suddenly, a red light began to flash. "Oh, hold on," Mike said, "The Dynamic Dweebs are calling..." Ruri cursed under her breath--albeit still in her trademark monotone--and switched off the computer. It looked like she'd have to break the record score (for the seventy-third consecutive time) later. (The evil) Dr. Clayton Forrester and T.V.'s (ever-lovable) Frank looked up at the hexfield viewscreen as their four subjects showed up on it. "Ah, hello, frightful four. Life treating you well? Well, I certainly hope so 'cause *guess* who's here to burst your *little* bubbles!" "Sir, you're very evil." said Mike. "Why, thank you!" gloated Dr. F. "You're too kind, really you are! Anyway, your experiment today... Ah, yes, that reminds me... Frank! Bring that little side project of mine over for a second!" T.V.'s Frank nodded and disappeared into a cupboard for short while. Meanwhile, Dr. F. continued, "Now, boobies, I've been doing research of late into mutation and radioactive sludge and largely illegal growth hormones and nutrients and, though it has taken a while, I believe something has come out of it..." T.V.'s Frank moved back into view, a large container in his hands, "Ah, here it is," Dr. F grinned. Frank plopped the box onto the table. It seemed to contain... ants. Large ants. Approximately ten inch long ants. "As you can see," he started, "we've been having fun with our ant colony up here!" "Yes, indeed," Dr. F. nodded, "these little beauties have been exposed to a large variety of radioactive elements and exceedingly dangerous chemicals containing 50%... Well, it *would* take a genius to understand. Anyway, it looks like I've managed to find a method to make organic matter grow far, *far* beyond it's natural size. "These little things," he pointed to the ants, "are currently about ten inches... and still growing!" "These could be very beneficial to a lot of people," said Frank, "farmers, for example, or poor countries in need of food..." "Indeed they could." Dr. F. nodded, "however, since we're evil, we have instead unanimously decided that we shall instead use this new discovery to breed a race of giant, brutish, mindless insectoid slaves that obey my every command! Bwahahahahaha!" Dr. F. grinned wickedly, "I am *so* deliciously evil, am I not? Anyway, your experiment today is a worthless text-only repository of horrible writing, plot and out-of-characterness. If anything, *it* should be treated with radioactive sludge instead of these ants. However, being the nice guy that I am, I will instead... let you read it. Send 'em the fic, Frank." *bzzt* *bzzt* *bzzt* "Oh, no, we've got Fanfic Sign!" everyone except Ruri shouted in unison. Door 6: It's a deviously hidden door, invisible to the naked eye. At least it's supposed to be. You find it within three seconds and walk through. Door 5: It's a plain wooden door. You walk through it... right into a brick wall. You take the wall apart, brick by brick, to walk through. Door 4: It's a foreboding, securely locked iron gate. You open the doggie door and squeeze through. Door 3: It slides open with a hiss of pneumatic locks... and starts to close immediately after. You leap through just as it does. Door 2: It's a large Egyptian sarcophagus. You hire a world-famous archeologist to open it. Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater. >robert69@ix.netcom.com (ROBERT POOL ) Crow: 69? Ruri: Starting early, are we? >Before I start this off, I'd like to thank Bert (aka skyknight) and >many of the other BGC fanfic authors whose works have inspired me >to write this story. Tom: Must resist making bad mailbomb joke... >Like always I'm open to creative critism and >opinions on my work. Mike (Rob): Just don't expect me to *change* anything! Crow: Well, we've got a couple "opinions" for you... > -rob pool (7|29|95) > ROB POOL PRESENTS: Tom: A whole load of crap... > A BGC FANFIC > THE ESPER CHRONICLES > PART ONE Tom: In a limited series of way-too-many. >Sylia sat at her television array while gently massaging Crow: her... Mike: Crow... Crow: ...sore feet. >a medium sized >bruise on her forhead. Last night's job was an utter failure. They >disposed of the boomers and found nothing of impotance. Mike (Sylia): Dammit! My twinkies are still missing! Ruri: No "impotance"? I suppose everyone was still fertile then. >the warehouse >they raided was guarded by about 15 advanced BU-12s that gave all six >(yes six. mackie has a hardsuit in my fanfics now. see Tales\red >knightsaber for more) Tom: Fine. But who's number five? >of her knightsabers a royal beating. all six >suits, even mackie's advanced model, Tom: Needed new paint jobs! >was thoroughly beaten and ravaged with holes. Mike: Damned moths! >Luckily no one got anything worse than bruises and it would >be at least a week before the hardsuits would be back to their full >power. Ruri: Luckily, if they were to be threatened by a life or death situation within the next week, they were dead. >While watching the morning's news something in particular caught her eye. Mike: That sounds painful. Tom (Sylia): Hmm... 1-800-555-BABE, huh? >[reporter]: The biggest news of the day is the mysterious boomer attack > genom R&D Crow :Ren and Dumpy? >late last night. Reportedly over 30 boomers raided the > lab according to eye witnesses and retreived camera data. Ruri: And according to the voices inside my head. Mike: What, they raided the place to get some videotape? Couldn't they just watch the six o'clock news? > This > isn't the first time rogue boomers have attacked a genom building > but last night's events are the first case of an attack of this > sheer magnitude. Tom: Yes, to date, only *29* boomers have ever been reported attacking Genom at one time. > In fact, its the highest number of boomers ever > seen in an attack before. The question that is circling the station > is just who IS responsible for this attack? Mike: No, I don't think Jim Neidhart had anything to do with it. > underground rebels? mercenaries? Crow: Wild Rebels? Tom: Disgruntled union workers? Ruri: Little green men from Mars? Mike: The Sailor Senshi? > At any rate, Both genom officals and the AD police > force is busy at discovering the cause of the incident. When more > information is available, SNN will bring it to you first. Mike: Right after bringing you all of today's supremely important football scores. Crow: Offer void in Utah. > Also in > the news, Kyrin's story continues to sell LD's by the hundreds and > the book has reached global sales of over 10 million copies. Tom: Kyrin? What's a Kyrin? Mike: The true story of the first Ranma movie? > any > way we now go to Tetsuya in the weather room. Hey tetsuya, I hear > there may be a major snow storm coming our way- Tom: No, it's probably heading to Ottawa, knowing snowstorms. >Sylia cut off the news broadcast and rewound the tape she recorded the >news fach on. Mike: Achtung! >The recording was perfect and she found herself thinking >about this strange attack. rogue boomers? All: Inconceivable! >There were such a thing in the pass, Ruri: Cirith Ungol? >but that was impossible. Mike: Don't you know you should always try to believe three impossible things before breakfast? Tom: So, it's already happened but it's impossible. What*ever*. >They killed the third reincarnation of Brian J. Mason months ago. Ruri: So, Crash happened in this reality? Mike: I guess. Ruri: I knew this fanfic was gonna be bad... >She herself went through extreme measures >to make sure that he was gone for good, never to prey on the knight >Sabers again. Tom: What, politely asking all their enemies to cease and desist? Crow: No, she'd asked around at two or three bars between drinks. >It was probally some strange new band of mercenaries or >some bunch of rebels that wanted to see an end to genom's corpate rule >over megatokyo. Ruri: Or could it be... the author? >Sylia thought it strange that the KS fit both of those >descriptions. still enough of nostalgia, she needed to make a phone >call... Tom: To Batman! > ********************************************** >To the regular megatokyo citizen, Tom: The nameless masses all but crushed underfoot by an uncaring overlord. >the speeding motorcycle was driving >like a maniac and begging for a traffic ticket. In fact, the rider was >flying close to 80mph on his modified G-55x bike which was painted a >dark blue. Crow: 80mph? Is that supposed to be *fast*? Mike: My *grand*mother drives faster than that! >He himself wore a matching blue helmet along with a brown >leather jacket, jeans, and black army boots. Tom: And a hot pink leotard. >In the distance the AD police HQ can be seen Ruri: Run-down and worm-infested as always. Crow: No, wait! Not anymore it can't... it just collapsed. >and as he passes various businesses and houses we >can see that christmas is coming Mike: The criminals have started to gather. >(not to mention its cold as fuck). Tom: Oh, my! Anyone have a bar of soap for our naughty little author? >As our bike rider enters the ADP parking lot, he parks haphazardly >with a light skid. Crow: ...on an innocent bystander. Tom (biker): (*krunch* *krack*) Hmm... need better shocks. >He steps off his bike and removes his helmet. His red hair >is groomed into two long bangs which are parted to each side of his >head. Ruri: Note the long and industrious description. >All in all, it could be said he looked quite the lady's man. His >name is Locke Sommerville, esper and boomer-thrasher extrordinaire Tom: Ah, our complementary Self-Insertion God-Boy has arrived. Mike: So, any bets on which of the Knight Sabers he's gonna end up dating? Tom: Um... I'll say Priss or Nene; they're the most common choices. Ruri: Priss. Crow: Ditto. >and today he got transferred finally to ADP. Tom: Well, whoop-de-shit. >[locke]: (outloud to himself] So this is the great AD police >headquarters. Tom (Tony Schiavone): Welcome to the greatest Nitro EVER! Crow: Just like every other Nitro before or since. >(thought: why the hell do all police stations look the >same? [which it does]) Crow: It's part of an evil plan by the Pod People, of course. Ruri: Mr. Pool, I'd like you to meet these little things called "tenses"... >Entering the main door it was almost like any other of the stations he >had worked at. Ruri: All none of them. Mike: Um... didn't you just say this, Rob? >A few of the male officers were busy hitting on the >female ones while they were busy doing their job. Crow: Oooh, rape. >He looked around for >a while and found the receptionist's desk who was occupied by a cute >red head (we know her as nene) Tom: But in reality she's the daring criminal mastermind and spy Neneeva! >Nene was not only bored out of her mind she was cursed. Mike: To turn into a pig? >The usual >receptionist was on vacation to see her family for christmas and since >christmas was coming, it was Ruri: Christmas? Mike: Huh? Ruri: I thought that it hadn't appeared enough in the sentence yet. >one of the few times in the year that work was light in data entry. Crow: Oh, that makes sense... huh? >thus she was cursed to play receptionist until >further notice. sigh. Mike (Nene): Alas! Woe is me! Crow: She wanted the lead role! >Then she noticed the red-headed hunk and kept >reminding herself she already a certain red-headed boyfriend just in >case this guy tried hitting on her. Tom: She does? Mike: D'you suppose there's something the author's not telling us? Ruri: Like maybe half the story? Mike: Yeah, exactly. >[nene]: welcome to AD police headquarters how can I help you? Tom (Locke): I'll have a couple of donuts--with those little sprinkles--and some coffee please. Crow (Locke): Well, why don't we go to the nearest bathroom stall and... Ruri: Watch it... >[locke]: I'm here to see the chief. I got transferred here for at least > this week. Crow: Hopefully that should read "for at *most* this week." >[nene]: (thought: hey, isn't this guy suposed to be Leon's new > partner?) oh, I'll go tell him you're here. I'll be back in a sec. Mike: She then proceeded to squeeze through the nearest window and go running through the streets, screaming at the top of her lungs. >[Locke]: no prob. >While on her way to go see ze cheif, Crow: Eez ze cheif francais? >she noticed that Leon was occupying his desk Ruri: ...and starting to shoot the hostages. >and looking like he was ready for death- although >not as bad as that time after when Priss sexually abused him All: Huh? Crow: I don't want to know... I *really* don't want to know... >(see "a very speacial BGC fanfic for more info. Tom: Oh, he's referring to a previous fanfic of his. >I plan to make a follow up to >that story called "leon and priss" in the future if its author doesn't >mind). Mike: What, he's not only ripping off BGC, he's also ripping off someone else's BGC fics? Crow: That's pathetic... Ruri: Isn't that what we're doing? Tom: No, we're MSTing, that's different. Crow: Besides, *we're* doing it well. >he was having a terrible day. not only was Daley off playing >with the SWAT teams, Tom: Playing what? Bridge? Crow: Just "playing". In his usual preferred way... >he would be getting a temporary partner and the >two would be investigating the attack on the R&D lab. All: Oooh, plot convenience! Ruri: They must've been on sale... >Even worse was >the fact that christmas was on its way and he didn't have the slightest >idea what to get her. Ruri: Who? Crow: You know, that girl. Tom: Blech. Pardon me while I retch... >[nene]: why so glum? missing Daely already? >[leon]: (sounding really depressed) no. I'm supposed to be getting a > new partner eek. Mike: The cat? >with my sorry luck, it'll be another homosexual. >[nene]: nope. you lucked out this time. he looks like a perfectly > hedrosexual male to me. Tom: Yeah, like Rock Hudson or Scott Levy... >He's already here. >[Leon]: great. get me a pink slip while you chat with his royal > fatness. Crow: Dusty Rhodes? Ruri: Henry VIII? >I'm expecting one any way. this day couldn't get anyworse. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen... Foreshadowing: your guide to quality literature. >She went and chatted with the chief and told her to tell locke to come >in. >After almost an hour of procedures and rules Crow: They let him into reception. >he noticed it was a >little pass 11. once the cheif was done belting out the policies he >called nene and told her to fetch Leon. Tom: Here, fetch girl! Fetch! >Leon entered the office with a look of impending death. All: (Hum death march) Mike: Okay, Leon, come clean. We *know* it's you that took the donuts! >[Cheif]: Locke, this is your partner: Leon McNicols. He's one of our > top inspectors. Crow: Except for all our other ones, anyway. Ruri: The good ones have all run off to Timbuktu. > (Leon looked rather suprised at an actual good > comment) Leon this is Locke Sommerville. I want the two of you on > the genom R&D mystery. Mike: Ride in scenic Hollywood California! Crow: All this can be yours if... the Price is Right! >[Locke]: glad to meet ya. his hand and leon shakes it> Crow (Leon): Hey, it came out! Whoops! I didn't mean to pull so hard... Ruri (Leon): You're shedding. >[Leon]: (thought: maybe this week won't turn out as bad as I thought. Tom: Once again. Ladies and gentlemen: Foreshadowing! > He looks like a kindred spirit [yep, Locke looks just as grungy as > Leon does- they don't share the same taste in woman though]) Mike: What, Nancy Sullivan? > like wise. (turning back to the chief) any leads so far? Ruri: No, but we have some graphite. >[chief]: the assailants left a clue but you'll have to see it at the > site to believe it. Tom (Chief): That and I'm too lazy to show you. Crow (Chief): Say, could you pick me up a six-pack while your out? Thanks! >Anyway, the two of you are dismissed. Tom: Get out of my sight, lowly toads! >The two quickly made the agreement that the other wasn't quite the >asshole they expected. Tom: I take it that Leon is blind, huh? Crow: Ah, love at first sight! >while on their way, the topics of discussion >included the weather and new movies. Tom: And toejam. And earwax. Crow: You know, important stuff! >Anyway Ruri (Rob): After all, I can understand how bored you must all be getting... >after about 30 minutes of >the always gruling megatokyo traffic Tom: It *grules*, man! Crow: Bad joke. Tom: Bite me. >they had reached their destination. Mike: The beer store? Crow: The red light district? Tom: The local strip joint? Mike: Guys... Ruri: (rolls her eyes) Bakas. >Locke's words explained the scene perfectly: Crow: "My GOD that thing's huge!" Ruri: You feel up to a short-circuit, friend? >[Locke]: cripes Leon. If I didn't know better I'd say someone dropped a > nuke on this place- Mike: Let's hope they're about to, instead. >maybe one of USSD's attack sattelites shot off > course? The boomers were REAL thorough Crow: They indexed and cross-referenced every single piece of rubble, from the biggest boulder to the small mote of dust. >The immediate area around the lab was an utter disaster area. pavement >was upturned in areas and some scorched black. Tom: Someone had farted. >The building itself was >ruined (the genom sign was missing some letters) Ruri: Oh, vandalism. That's bad. >and not even squatters >would be able to make much use of it. They entered through the >shattered remains of the front door and flashed their badges and voiced >their Identities to the Genom guards Mike: And it made them feel like *real* men! >who looked relieved that the inspectors have shown up. Ruri: Now they could go to their coffee and donuts and other important matters. Tom: Now there was someone *else* who could get blamed for all their mistakes. Tom: Oh, and Rob? Pick a tense and run with it. Please. Mike: Isn't that a bit belated now? Tom: Yeah, but I had to say sooner or later... >[guard]: we're glad you've come. first off, you had best check out > something we found out this morning- a message none of us guards > could figure out. hopefully you guys can help. Crow: You kidding? We're *cops*! We don't *think*! >They entered the room and the first thing Leon and Locke noticed was >the message on the wall. Mike: This crime has been proudly sponsored by Largo, Lord of the Boomer race. >otherwise there was a mass of blood on the >floor which probally belonged to some unfortunate victim last night. Tom: That's not blood, that's just kool-aid! >The message, scralled in what was proball human blood, said: > > he is the bringer of death > he is the bringer of justice > he is the bringer of power Tom: He is the bringer of crack. Crow: He is the bringer of cheese. Mike: He is the bringer of boredom. Ruri: He is the bringer of nausea. > he is the man that would be lord > he is the man that has risen thrice times > he is the man who wil Mike: Wheaton? > bring death to the knightSabers Tom: He is the man they call Vader! Crow: That's a hell of a lot of blood... >[Leon]: If you ask me, its a challenge to the knightsabers Tom (deadpan): No, really? Ruri: My, how observant you are, grandma. >[Locke]: That sounds right. Thing is who is the man the message talks > of. I guess we'll have to look for more clues... Mike: Like what, a business card? I get the feeling that anything less would still not be enough! Crow: Hey, look there; that's his underwear! >They went off and spent 9 hours looking under every last cranny for >even one itzy bitzy Ruri: Spider? >clue but their hunt found nothing- just more questions. Tom: I take it they ignored the glowing neon sign saying "Largo was Here"? >Hungry, tired, and bored, Locke and Leon were more than >ready to call it a night Crow: ...and have some "fun"... Mike: Crow... >until Leon's walkie-talkie beeped loudly. Mike: Giving both of them heart attacks. >The person on the other end sounded like he was scared out of his wits. Ruri: Scared out of control, maybe? >[officer]: SIR!! Tom: (army officer, British accent): Chap with wings. Five rounds, rapid. >We have 3 stray 55-c boomers closing in on the west > side. our weapons are useless! Ruri: So what else is new? >[Leon]: call for backup! Mike: For "backup" read "Knight Sabers". >[officer]: we already have! its a mess down here! Crow: Uhh... you clean it up! >[Leon]: (looks to Locke who heard the officer's plead for help) we'll > be down in a sec to help out what we can. McNicols signing out > (looks over to Locke) looks like we got problems. Tom: Yeah, you're stuck in this oh-so-wonderful waste of bandwidth. Mike: And Leon must *really* have had problems to sign for it! >[locke]: (cracking his knuckles) not for long.... Tom: Yeah, I feel the urgent need to go an' break something! >The officer on the talkie was right- it was a mess. Crow: Panties lay strewn everywhere. >The boomers had >already dispatched a large number of officers by the time they got down >stairs. Ruri: They'd sent them to Equatorial Guinea. >They were either dead or injured and only a few officers >remained who still kept shooting the boomers. Crow: Show some more leg, dammit! Tom: I swear, this can make the cover of Playboomer! >One thing that both Locke and Leon posess in their personalities is Ruri: Perversion? Mike: Sorta like you, huh Crow? Crow: Ah, yes, but I do it with style! >the strong aversion for senseless violence- Tom: Unless of course *they* did it! >particularly violence caused by boomers. the >difference between the two was how they responded. Crow: One went to whimper pathetically in the corner, the other started to foam at the mouth. >Leon usually took the tactile aproach while Locke....He goes ballistic Tom: Rob, tense... Oh, why bother! >Leon suddenly noticed a sincere change in his partner. His face turned >from a charismatic smirk to one of pure anger. Mike: Rrrrr. Locke SMASH! >That's when it happened...he saw one of the many psychic abilities Locke >had. Ruri: The ability to commune mentally with a rock? >At first >his right hand's palm just glowed white and then like a crazed maniac >he rushed the closest boomer with a shrill warcry. Crow (Locke): HELLLLLLP! Mike: What, is suicide his "psychic power"? >The lead boomer >responded to the new challenger by firing a burst of laser fire from >its mouth but the challenger simply dodged them effortlessly with a >speed that defied human abilities. Mike: Yeah, self insertions tend to do that. Tom (Locke): Oh, I've gotta go, I've *gotta* go! >Locke's rush came to a halt and he >brought his palms together and everyone watched as Ruri: A clapping sound was produced. >a large energy blast >scortched through the boomer's upper body leaving little more than a >large hole where its torso had been. Crow: Holey crap! >It collapsed without further >action. With one down, Locke decided to do something different with #2. Tom: He decided to turn it into a tasty bouillabaisse. >By this time both boomers are firing on him with their mouth cannons >but neither can hit- Mike: Of course not--He's an author avatar. >he either dodges or is asorbed in an invisible barrier. Tom: Or else they're just really lousy shots. >quickly he puts together his hands into a spear-shape and >inserted them into the boomer #2's chest and turned them around. With a >sick screech of metal being pulled apart the boomer's was ripped in >half with its orange nutrient fluids flying in different directions. Crow: Ewww, how messy! Ruri: Can't he destroy boomers tidily? Mike: He'll never be able to pay back the damages for that... >All that was left was the 3rd and final boomer which was trying to >escape the scene before it wound up like the others. All: Run away, run away! >it didn't make it. >Locke quickly sprinted after it and the boomer found itself tackled >into the ground with even more force than a doberman boomer. Mike: Hey, that boomer's trying to hide from his responsibilities, sticking his head in the ground like that! >It suddenly found a pair of incredibly strong hands around its neck Crow: And incredibly *sexy* lips on it's... Ruri: (starts cracking her knuckles and *looks* at Crow) Crow: eep. >before >its neck was pulled from its body. As anyone knows destroying the head >of most boomers will only cause it to go beserk Tom: Unless you've got boomer-off, from ACMEcorp! >which Locke ended by >giving it a point-blank energy blast to its back. Mike: Hey, he shot it in the back! Tom: What a lousy, backbiting weasel! Crow: Hey, no insulting Bobby the Brain! Ruri: (Rolls her eyes) >The street now, in >addition to victims of a boomer assault and 3 dead boomers, now had a >large burnhole. Ruri: And the repairs were coming out of Locke's pay... Tom: Maybe he'll have to sell this 'fic to pay for 'em. >All done, Locke dusted himself and looked around at the >chaos he caused. Mike: Well, I just destroyed three boomers with my bare hands, caused untold property damage... so, what's for lunch? >His audience was all speechless...even Leon. Crow (Leon): He makes me feel... funny inside... >TO BE CONTINUED..... [insert reversed door sequence here. -B] The bridge of the Satellite was darkened, decorated in a sombre black. A speech podium stood empty just outside the door into the theater. For a brief moment, no one could be seen. Then, quietly, slowly, the entire population of the S.o.L. entered the room. After a short discussion, Tom Servo, dressed in a black tuxedo, floated up to the podium. He coughed, as though to clear his throat--though, seeing as he didn't have one, it was more likely just a means of getting attention-- and started to speak: "We are gathered here tonight to bid a fond farewell to a man who some of you did not know but who will always live on in the hearts of those who did..." Suddenly, Tom paused and looked straight at Mike, "Mike, *why* are we doing this?" "Tom Servo, whenever someone you know dies, you *have* to have a funeral. It's just how it's done." Mike responded. "Yeah, but there isn't even any body!" Tom protested. "Well, let's call it a wake then. Now hurry up, we're gonna have to get back in the theater soon." Mike said. "Oh, all right! *ahem* Pat Lee was a very humble, well-meaning character. He was also, mind you, a complete and an ing . "However, we must not choose to dwell, on this sad occasion, on Pat Lee's shortcomings. For he did what his creator asked of him and that is, in the end, all that any fictional character can do. And even if he was one of the most est pieces of in history, at the very least he meant well. "And so, we must try and remember Pat Lee not for what he *was*, which, admittedly, was nauseating, but for what he tried to be and for what he was intended to be. Mind you, since even his *author* didn't like him, I'm not certain why we should even pretend to... but, anyway... that's about it. Over to you, Crow." Crow walked up to the podium, also dressed in a sleek black tux. "Thank you, Mr. Servo. Now, I realize we are here to *mourn* Mr. Lee... but, unfortunately, I can't! It's *wonderful*! First Oscar, now this... This only leaves... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... Well, a lot more and we will finally have our revenge on *everyone*! And Forrester, Frank... You're next!" Almost immediately, a blinking red light appeared. Crow blinked. "Uh... Sorry?" Mike activated the hexfield viewscreen and everyone prepared to see their thoroughly insane captors. Instead, however, the screen was filled with ants. Huge, human-sized ants. With eyes gleaming with cunning and intelligence. The large, vicious looking one nearest to the screen eyed the gathered mourners with distaste. "Hello, humanoid and metalloid scum," for some reason, the ant sound strangely like James Earl Jones, "My name is Scraebor and I am the glorious leader of the great and powerful Insect Race. And you will all bow down before me before much longer!" He pointed at a chained up T.V.'s Frank, "We have already captured this pathetic, fatty specimen and are currently in the process of capturing the green one... And soon, pathetic human weaklings all over this soon-to-be-ours planet will be forced to work in our dreaded sugar mines... that we will soon start building." Mike, with a slightly confused expression, said, "You know, the, erm, green one has done really bad and evil stuff to us too... We're really victims, just like you. You don't suppose you could release us?" Scraebor shook his chitinous head, "No, no, no. I am certain that every single one of you has committed vicious and despicable acts against the Insect Race. Therefore, I'm afraid that I will have to kill you all." his large, sharp mandibles twitched in what was presumably a smile, "um, now..." He looked down at the stack of machinery beside him, "I'm sure there's something I can do here. Uh... let's see..." he pressed a button. Nothing happened. He then pulled a few switches. A spark escaped from the machinery in response, and Scraebor yelped in pain before leaping away. "Um... Do you know how to operate this, cowardly slave?" he asked Frank. Frank shook his head, "No sir. Only Steve knows that. Erm, Dr. Forres.. uh, that is, the 'green one'." Scraebor stared at the human in disbelief. "What? Then... do you know how to operate *anything*?" "Well... only the theater." Frank replied. "Oh, very well." Scraebor nodded. He turned back to the viewscreen, "I guess you get a short reprieve, fleshling swine. But after we find the green one, you *will* pay for your crimes against the great Insect Race!" *bzzt* *bzzt* *bzzt* Mike Nelson looked at the others in confusion. "Can someone explain to me what just happened?" Ruri shrugged, "Forrester screwed up again." Mike nodded, "Yeah, that's what I figured... Anyway, we've got Fanfic Sign!" The usual chaos ensued... Door 6: It's a deviously hidden door, invisible to the naked eye. At least it's supposed to be. You find it within three seconds and walk through. Door 5: It's a plain wooden door. You walk through it... right into a brick wall. You take the wall apart, brick by brick, to walk through. Door 4: It's a foreboding, securely locked iron gate. You open the doggie door and squeeze through. Door 3: It slides open with a hiss of pneumatic locks... and starts to close immediately after. You leap through just as it does. Door 2: It's a large Egyptian sarcophagus. You hire a world-famous archeologist to open it. Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater. >author's notes: I decided to try this in a narrative version to see > if it sounds better Mike: Buddy, the only thing that would make me think this sound better would be a lobotomy. > and adds a little more space to the fanfic. Ruri: Why would you want to make this thing longer? > Please mail me at robert69@ix.netcom.com Crow: I should say something here but... is there really any point? Mike: Good Crow. > If you think it improves the story any. Tom: And if you don't, then go and crawl into a hole somewhere and die! > also If you didn't already know, I'm using the > Bubblegum Zone (my praise to bert for part 6. Mike: Oh, great. One lame self-insertion fanfic ripping off *another* lame self-insertion fanfic! > gotta love the superman hardsuit idea :o) Crow: No, you don't. > and Babylon-tokyo fanfics as a base of > past events. enjoy the show.... Tom: And doesn't Mark Latus want to sue your ass off for this or something? > -rob 8-11-95 Ruri: I thought it was Rob 69. >Locke looked around the devestation that once was a megatokyo street. >The bodies of AD police grunts Ruri: Though, thankfully, no one important. >and 3 dead combat boomers littered the previously clean street. Crow: And it was all his fault... Tom (Locke): I love the smell of napalm in the morning... >The road and pavement were scortched and >beaten from the battle between AD police and the 3 boomers. Mike: I think you should rephrase that, Rob. To whit: the battle between our favourite Author Avatar and 3 pieces of metallic blue cannon fodder. Ruri: Yeah, I mean that was sort of a... lopsided fight. Tom: What, like King Kong vs. Chuckie the Chicken? >Several of >the shops on the sides of the street were damaged from wildfire and >several small fires were slowly going out. Mike: You've just gotta love these cops! They do more damage than the guys they're chasing! Tom: Yeah, who'd have thought that Lethal Weapon was a documentary? >As he turned his attention >to the surviving ADP officers, He was greeted with varying levels of >shock, admiration, and hate. Crow: And boredom. Don't forget boredom. Ruri: How could we? >This is going to be hard to explain he thought to himself.... Mike: Oh, don't sweat it. You're an Author Avatar, you can do it! > Rob Pool presents: Tom: Any relation to Deadpool? Crow: No, no, no, no. He's *cool*. Ruri: Locke wouldn't be "cool" if he locked himself in a freezer in the Antarctic for a year. > a BGC\ADP fanfic > the Esper Chronicles > part 2 >Leon couldn't believe what he saw. Tom: It was *UNBELIEVABLE*! Mike: But anything can happen in the WWF! >In his 8 or so years in the AD >police force, he had never seen a combat boomer dismantled in the >unorthadox way he just witnessed. Ruri: Of course. As a Self-Insertion, Locke has to be absolutely unique in the BGC universe. >The incredible thing was how his younger partner did it. Crow: On top? Mike: Crow! >The first went down from sometype of energy blast, Tom: Better known as "burrito breath". >the second was litterally ripped in half, and the third had its >head ripped off, Ruri: Just four more and we'll have the Megatokyo version of Se7en. Tom: Well, the fourth was hanging from a lamppost nearby, tied neatly into a bow. >all while moving and dodging faster than any normal >human. Deep in thought, Leon didn't even notice that his jaw was open Mike: ...and a big-ass wasp had flown in. >and he had dropped his cigarette. Crow: My God, if he dropped his cigarette, you *know* he was suprised! >Sighing somewhat, Locke made his way over to Leon. Tom (Leon): So... how much should you pay so no one hears about this? > "well, I take it you would like an explanation?" Ruri: No, just money. Crow: Naaah... but tell me, do you do weddings? > Gathering his wits, Leon blurted out "just what are you?" Tom: I'm Batman... Crow: I am the Terror that flaps at night... Ruri: I am the author, mortal. > "tell you what. I know a decent Chinese restaraunt Tom: What, the Nekohanten? Ruri: Yes, but do you know any Chinese restaruncles? >I'll tell you on the way." > ************************************************************* Mike: And it's a true parade of stars here in Sunset Boulevard! > The two entered Leon's squad car and Locke took it as his initative >to start explaining.... > "I'm what people would call an esper. Mike: Wow... Supercalifragalisticesperalidocious. >A human born with psychic abilities." Tom: How? Ruri: Through the whim of the author, of course. Crow: How else? > Leon shot Locke a blank look as if he was crazy, "There's no such >things as Mike: ...a good self insertion. Yes, we know. >psychics and magic-" Ruri: Except on TV. > Locke cut him off by picking up an old soda can and crushing into a >little ball Tom: Ah, he's a dumb jock. It figures. Crow: Shouldn't he have done that against his forehead? >and causing to levitate from his palm. "than what the hell >do you call this, Mr. Scientific? Tom: Oh, don't be ridiculous! I can clearly see the strings! Mike: I guess that the can just likes you as much as most humans do. >may continue?" All: Huh? Tom: I think a word ran away there, Rob... Ruri: Not that we can blame it. > "yes you may." Crow: Yes, I *allow* you to continue. > "thank you. Like I was saying I have psychic abilities. I'm what >most espers call a 'telekinetic'. Mike: Someone who can, through the power of his mind, move things from one place to another, as in money from someone else's wallet into his. >All of my abilities save some minor >uses of telepathy are telekinesis based. you know what telekinesis is, >right?" Mike (Leon): It's sort of like psychokinesis, except it isn't. Crow: And what's psychokinesis? Mike: Well... it's sort of like telekinesis, except it isn't. > 'Yeah" > Locke's face suddenly sported a somewhat evil grin Crow (Locke): FEED ME! Tom (Locke): I hunger for flesh! >"its good to see you know more than police work. Crow: Yeah, he also knows sex. Mike: Crow! Crow: Or so he thinks, leastways. Mike: CROW! Crow: What? It's true! >anyway, I have complete control over Ruri: ...everyone. I decide who lives and dies. Tom: That's a scary idea. Crow: Yeah, but there's scarier ideas out there. Tom: Like? Crow: Um, Artemis' lover in slow-mo? Tom: Urk. Crow: Or Dusty Rhodes and Paul Bearer in a vat of Jello? Tom: Gaak. Crow: Or... Tom: Okay, okay. You win. >kinetic energy. I can bend it to do whatever I want. create blasts of >energy, possess super human strength and agility, so on. hell, I can >even fly if I want to." Mike: Oh, I see. He's Twister Jr, the version that isn't even well written. > "hmm..." > "Cripes sake. Ruri: Cripe's Brand Sake. When you want to get real drunk, real fast and don't care about quality. >lighten up. I ain't gonna rip the hell out of you. I >only do that to boomers. Mike: ...and guys named Joe. >Take away these damn psychic abilities and I'm >as human as you are." Ruri: Albeit about five times as irritating. > Leon's head was a cyclone of confusion. Here in his car he had a >guy who ripped a combat boomer in half and utilized powers beyond >normal humanity. Crow: ...and stirred these strange feelings in him... Mike: Yech! Crow! >Deep in the back of his mind he wondered whether or >not to trust him. Crow: Come on, we all know men think with their member and/or stomach, not their mind! Tom: Leon, just trust your xenophobic gut instincts and *blast* 'im! >Finally bringing himself out Crow: Of the closet? >The confines of his mind Ruri: Small as they were... >he found that he was closing in on the chinese restaraunt Locke had >recommended. Mike: Hmmm... Ho Lu's squid takeout--now with extra tentacles. >The place on the outside was kinda average with the sign >saying 'Neohatten' in both Japanese and Chinese. Tom: Um... that's not what I think it is, right? > "listen. In the future, try to restrain from using those abilities >of yours in combat. Tom: Yeah, who cares if they'd cut our casualties in half and save millions of lives? >If possible, try something less -flashy- sso not to >give ADP more problems?" Mike: I think Leon's being taken over by the Serpent Crow. Ruri: He's better off that way. > Locke turned on his usual smile "yes dad. Crow (Locke): I am *so* cool... Tom (Locke): Hell, I'm nearly as cool as D.J. Croft! >well, are we gonna sit in here all night or go eat?" Mike: Howzabout option c) Dry up and die? > more or less to himself "what the hell have I gotten myself" >Thought Leon.... Crow: A new boyfriend? Tom: A new car? Mike: A new washer and drier? Ruri: Someone to blame all your screwups on? > *************************************************************** Tom: I see there are still some unpaved roads around MegaTokyo. > As the two entered the Neohatten, Leon was impressed by the >homey-ness of the restaraunt. Mike: The walls were crumbling badly and a foul stench was coming from the kitchen. >the walls were decorated with various trophies Crow: From Everyone Gets A Trophy Day. >that the owners of the restaraunt, an old couple by the name >of Shampoo and Mousse, Mike: Altogether now... All: LAME! >had aquired over the years. Ruri: read: stolen. >By luck, the >restaraunt hadn't suffered massive destruction as did most of Tokyo in >the 2nd great Kanto quake. Ruri: read: through the use of a convenient plot device. Tom: The most powerful force in existence. Mike: Other than Marrissa, of course. Tom: Of course. Ruri: Who? Crow: Trust us, you *don't* want to know. >The two ADP detectives decided to sit them >selves in a booth far to the right of the restaraunt in a small corner. Mike: All the others were splintered. >Moments later they were greeted by a greying woman in her early 50s. >She was dressed in a beautiful Chinese dress with her hair tied in a >small bun on the top of her head. Crow (Shampoo): How Shampoo get roped into doing this? >Leon found himself wondering what she >looked like when she was younger. Tom: Oh, that's easy. Just go and watch Ranma 1/2. Crow: Available at fine video stores everywhere. > "hi, welcome to the Neohatten. what would you like?" Crow: Why, you of course... > "I'll take 2 orders of chowmein and a bowl of noodles. plus a glass >of Sake." Ruri: In fact, cut the chowmein and noodles. Sake's food enough for me. > "Shampoo know what you want, boy. you never get anything else." Mike: Yeah, you're not worth wasting our *good* food on. >turning her attention to Leon "and how about you, cutey?" Crow: Honey? All: (whistle Cutey Honey theme) > "umm...I think I need to look at the menu for a bit longer" Crow (Leon): I hope she doesn't realize I can't read... > "okay. You want something drink while waiting?" Mike (Leon): You got any sewer water? Ruri: I'll have some Cyanide Punch, please. > Leon guessed that after dinner he'd be going home so he guessed it >wouldn't hurt to drink a bit. Tom: Oh, that makes sense. He's going to be driving home, so he can drink. Mike: I hope you'll pay for the surgery for all those children who unthinkingly imitate you! >"I'll take some Sake, please." > shampoo scribled down their order and cocked her head back up Ruri&Mike: Don't even think it, Crow. Crow: Awww, you two're no fun... >"okay, Shampoo have drinks in a moment" She said before disappearing >into the backroom to tell her husband the chef their order. Crow: So, d'you think they have Peking Duck on the menu? > Locke sighed from a small twinge of boredom Tom (Locke): I wanna kill somethin', dammit! >"so. What do you do other than work. you gotta girlfriend?" > "yeah, her name is priss asagiri-" Tom: Oh, please! Mike: Well, it's Leon. At least *this* very vaguely makes sense. Tom: But... Mike: I mean, it worked for Jeff Hosmer, right? Tom: True... Anyway, I think we can cross Priss off from the poll. > Locke's face suddenly burst into a bad case of shock than turned >back to the usual charismatic grin. Mike: Enough with the charismatic grin already! >"THE priscilla asagiri?" suddenly >he burst into a bit of maniacal laughter Crow: He's going.... Ruri: He was never "there" in the first place. >"man, the things I could tell you her...." Mike: When did Leon change his name to "Her"? Tom: When, nothing! Why'd he do it? I mean, wouldn't it be a bit confusing? "Hi, he's Her." Ruri: Maybe he's a Ranma fan? Tom: Maybe... > "you sound like you know her." Crow: God, I hope not. That would be lame, even for a BGC Self Insertion. > Locke's mood became a bit more sober Tom: Damned cheap sake. Mike: They haven't gotten it yet. Tom: No? Then how the hell could he get more sober if he was never drunk? >(one might say changed to dispair...) Tom: Actually, one would more likely say it changed to *despair*. Mike: Come on, no grammar flames... You'd never get all of them in, anyway. >as If he remembered something he didn't want to remember. Mike: Who won the World Series in 1965? >"yeah, I and a friend of hers were pretty close. Tom: So, Linna, Nene or Sylia? Mike: Nene's supposed to be going with the other Self Insertion, if I recall correctly. Tom: So, Linna or Sylia? Mike: Um, Linna. Hopefully. Otherwise, Sylia will be *really* OOC. Crow: Yeah. Ruri: Agreed. >Then my powers decided to show themselves..." Crow: Yeah, go ahead. Blame all your problems on your powers. Mike: This guy just can't accept responsibility for his actions. > "what do you mean 'show themselves'?" > "up until I hit 17 I was a regular kid. Ruri: Loosely speaking. >I was kinda famous for >being incredibly good at athletics and I was probally one of the most >wanted males in reiko high school. Tom: Dead or alive? Crow: Yeah, I was the most popular guy around. Expect for Joe, and Bill, and Ted, and Al, and Don... and the Weasely Guy... and... well, everyone really. Tom: In fact, most of the girls would've preferred to do the English Teacher than me! And she was eighty three years old! >I had everything going my way. Then it happaned." Mike: Cue ominous drumroll. > "what?" Ruri: Puberty. > "A few years before the powers showed, I got into a fight with a >guy named Gregor. Mike: Was he a werewolf? He sounds like a werewolf... >See, the guy was trying rape this girl and Crow: ...I wanted in on the action! Others: Crow! >being mister hero I stopped him before he could lay a finger on her. Crow: Mind you, he wasn't really into just fingers alone... >I beat the living shit out of him. Tom: Yeah, I kept hitting him in the fists and boots over and over again with my head and stomach. >well, 2 years later at 17 the bastard >decided to get his revenge by shooting me. Tom: Pity it didn't work. Crow: Still, maybe we should send ol' Gregor a "thanks for trying" note with a nice cash bonus. Tom: Naah, I'd rather spend it on me. Ruri: We can't spend it. We're stuck in space, remember? Tom: D'Oh! >He got his revenge his t-shirt and shows leon a bullet scar on the side of his stomach>, Crow: Oh, please! We *don't* need to see your gut, Monkey Boy! >he also got killed. Ruri: Ah, well, I guess we can't send him any money in that case, can we? >I blasted him with a level 2 energy blast That came >out on its own. guess my body was trying to save my Ass that day." Crow: Your ass better call somebody! Tom: Shouldn't that be @$$? Mike: No, no, no, no, no. This isn't an e-fed. It's just an f-grade fanfic. > "level 2?" > "yeah, There are varying levels of energy blasts. Crow: 1 is a slight breeze, 2 can kill a fly on a good day, 3 can cook a steak in about a month, 4 can... Ruri: Enough already. Crow: Hey, there's still 97 left! Ruri: Oh no, there isn't... >1 is low and can >be shot at rapid succession, 2 you've already seen. the Higher levels >take longer to charge but I've never tried higher than 3. Mike: I mean, I had enough trouble beating the final Boss at level two... >For all I know a level 5 could blow the city away. Tom: Just so long as *you're* in it, Locke we really couldn't care less. >But again, I've never tried it." Mike: That's cause you're chicken! Bots: *cluck* cluck* *cluck* *cluck* > "neat" > "yeah, one thing about being an esper is its nver boring." Crow: Except on sundays and holidays. Mike: But I get discounts in K-Mart on the first of every month! > "so what happaned after the mess with gregor?" Tom: Well, I went on a maniacal rampage and killed every girl named Mary that I met in the next month. > "I was expelled from the school and was forced to live on the >street for awhile. Crow: Selling myself. Ruri: Pity he couldn't stay there. >Than I met up with Ryouga-sensei, but that's another story." Mike: Once again, folks... All: LAME! > **************************************************************** Tom: What, they still haven't paved that road? >While the two were busy talking about their pass, they failed to notice >5 new entrees into the Neohatten: Crow: Roadkill stew, Horsemeat pie, Guano a la mode, Poison Ivy salad and Arsenic flavoured Ice Cream. >Sylia, Bert, Priss, Nene, and Linna. Ruri: Bert? Tom: Bert? Crow: Bert? Mike: If I recall correctly, he was the main character of the lame Self Insertion fanfic that I said *this* lame Self-Insertion fanfic was ripping off. > "So where's Mackie?" Bert inquired as he sat down at the booth the >five chose to sit at. Ruri: Note that unlike Locke, they're not important enough to deserve a full description of the placement of their booth. > "He's on a date with Marisa at the moment. Tom: Ma... Crow: ...ri... Mike: ...sa? Mike and Bots: (shudder) Crow: Mike, I'm scared... Ruri: (shrugs) I probably don't want to know, anyway. >He already knows the details anyway." Sylia answered Tom: What, is he a Self Insertion too? > "So I take you plan calling him up once we finish eating?" Mike: Will our mystery guest sign in please! > "I still have the best hardsuit..." Bert proclaimed. Crow: Must be making up for certain... deficiencies. > Snuggling up against her boyfriend, Nene added sarcatically to his >dilemna "of course you do" Mike (Nene): Here, have a cookie. Good boy! > "I swear I'll wring both your and Mackie's necks if you don't quit >toying with the suits. Mike (Sylia): Yeah, this is *women's* work, dammit! Crow: Say, who's talking? Ruri: Who cares? >I half don't even know what you two on those suit." Ruri: Sorry? Crow: Huh? Tom: That's just... so... Mike: Incomprehensible? Tom: Well, yeah. > "way too dangerous If you ask me..." Priss added. Ruri: Who are you and what've you done to Priss? >Bored with the >discussion going on with her friends, Priss decided to look around at >the restaraunt and its occupants. Tom: Which were a large group of parasitic insects. >While the decor was nice, what caught >her eye was the two ADP detectives talking in the corner booth. Crow: 'Cause they were much "nicer" than the mere decor could *ever* hope to be! >Priss >made sure to rub her eyes twice and pinch her wrist to make sure she >wasn't dreaming. Crow (Priss): Dammit, Leon's two-timing me! Tom (Priss): With a *guy* no less! Ruri (Priss): Could Daley have known something I didn't? Mike: Um... guys? Ruri: (shrugs) >Sure that it wasn't an illusion she turned her back at >Sylia who was strategically across from her. Seeing a slight worry on >Priss's face, Ruri: How? Didn't Priss just turn her back to Sylia? Tom: I think Rob pulled a Thinker again... >Sylia thought she better ask what was wrong. > "something wrong, priss?" Ruri: For those of you who didn't catch Sylia's intention the first time... > It was impossible to supress a light snicker All: Wolf one down! >"look over at the >cornerbooth and at the guy who is sitting across from Leon." Mike: Hey, it's Timothy Eaton! > Craning her neck a little, Sylia made an effort to see what Priss >was up to. when it came to Sylia, she rarely showed emotion (save that >of anger and smug humor when it came to Bert) Crow: And a loving tenderness towards Priss. Mike: Crow! Crow: Hey! Blame Chris Davies, not me! >but anyone looking at her >face would see a look of pure shock. "no...It couldn't be...." Mike: Um... I've got a *bad* feeling about this... > "he's a bit taller and older, but its him. cummon Crow: (giggle) >Sylia, go talk to him!" Mike (Priss): I dare you! > Bert, as well as nene and Linna, had never seen Sylia react like >this. Ruri: Well, they've usually known her to be in character. >taking his own, Bert decided to butt in. Tom: Taking his own what? Hey, Rob, I think a word escaped your foul clutches there. >"um, could someone tell me what's going on?" All: That's what we'd like to know! > Taking his ear. Mike: Ow! That's *gotta* hurt! >priss pointed in Locke's direction "see the >red-headed guy talking with Leon? Ruri (Priss): He stole my quotation mark and capital "p". > "yeah- so?" > "he used to be Sylia's boyfriend :)" All: (completely shocked) Mike: Whatever. Ruri: Right. Crow: Sure. Tom: Uh-huh. Ruri: I sorta saw this coming but... still... > Bert, Nene, and Linna all were shocked Mike: We know how you feel, kids. >"wow. I never new you had a boyfriend Sylia...." Ruri: That makes five of us... Crow (Sylia): There is much you do not know about me... > "Bert sit the hell down and Mike: (sharp intake of breath) *tsk tsk tsk* Such language! Tom: Go stand in the corner, young lady! >stop looking at them or they'll see you!" Sylia coldly snapped. Crow: Uh... that makes sense... Mike: What, does Monkey Boy have eyes in the back of his head to? > "Cummon, Sylia, what possibly is holding you back Crow: It's this bench... It's trying too urutsukidojize me. Others: Crow! Crow: Yech... you're right, that's going to far! >from going over >there and talking with Locke. For Cripes sake! Ruri: Available in all fine liquor stores. Tom: Buy now while supplies last! >If he never had to leave >Reiko, the two of you would have probally got married or something." Crow: Can we bring the rice? And can we throw it at the author instead of the couple? Tom (sings) First comes loooove, then comes marrrriage... > "its been what. 8 years. he's probally down forgot me by now..." Crow: An' hear this, mah children, capitalization is evil, *evil* I tells yah! Y'ahll must protect yuhr loved ones with all yer maht! > "Than go bring back his damn memory!" Mike: Yeah, lay him out with that five-bore shotgun like you always used to! > "priss...." Ruri: Don't swear in front of the children. > *************************************************************** >Having killed his chow mein All: Oh my God, he killed the chow mein! You *bastard*! >and starting on his noodles, Locke noticed >a bit of commotion at a booth by the windows. Ruri: Pumpkin and Honey Bunny? >Glancing over, he nearly choked on a noodle Crow: "Nearly"? Just "nearly"? Tom: So close and yet so far... >when he saw Sylia sitting at the booth. It couldn't >be! he thought to himself. All: Inconceivable! >but lo and behold who was sitting across >from her but Priss. Tom: How bloody convenient. Mike: Since when have all the Knight Sabers' gone out together, anyway? Ruri: Well, Priss, Linna and Nene, maybe... But Sylia? No. >This was turning into one helluva day. Tom: That makes sense. The Author Avatar shows up and immediately everything goes to hell. > "you okay?" Leon asked after hearing his partner choke almost. Mike: Hey, Rob! There's an unnecessary word at the end of that sentence! > "exscuse me, Crow (Locke): I've gotta go have a heart attack. >I'll be back in a sec...." Ruri: Don't hurry on our account. We just love it in here. > **************************************************************** Mike: Geez, someone should really start shelling out more money to transit authority! > "I swear I'll kill you priss If he heard you...." Sylia stated for >the record. Crow: Couldn't you just kill him? You know, two birds with one stone and all that... > "uh-oh" Priss said with a huge grin Mike: My, what large teeth you have, grandma! >"looks like you're gonna have to kill me because here he comes...." All: (whistle John Wayne showdown theme) Ruri (Sylia): Oh, well... if you insist... > "I HATE you, priss...." Tom: I hate you so much I could *marry* you! > "Hiya, Sylia." > "um...hi Locke." Crow: Hi, Joe. Hi, Bob. Tom: Hi, Al. Crow: Hi, Steve! > "how's it hanging, bub?" Priss added. Tom: Look, she's doing her Wolverine impression. Ruri: Do you think Locke could do his bloody corpse impression? > "hangs well, thank you. Tom (Locke): I am *so* cool... >So, I didn't know you were still in MegaTokyo? what do you do, now? Crow: Oh, fine, how about you, Then? Mike: I'm a contract killer. And you know what, you seem like a great potential vic- er, customer... > "I own a lingerie shop on Miyamoto boulevard. Ruri: I got a huge order the other day from a Mr. H. Possai... >and you? I thought you left megatokyo after problems with school." > "I could go on for days Tom: Just so long as you *don't*... >telling you what I did after being booted >from school. Training 6 years in China with Ryouga-sensei in >hibiki-style martial arts was a blast. Ruri: Probably literally, knowing Ryoga. >For a while I'm working for AD police." > pointing an index finger into his gut, Priss continued "figures >that you'd be off saving the peasants from evil. Tom: Oh, so he's one of those loser crusading knight type guys, huh? >Believe me Bert, he's even worse than you are...." Mike: Well, having read a little bit of Bubblegum Zone, I can heartily say that it's dammed close, but Locke is in fact even more irritating than Mr. Bert "I'm smarter than Sylia and can beat up fifty boomers by myself" Van Vliet. > "hey, I have a promise to live to." (locke) Ruri: Why does this piece of crap feel like a draft? > "I doubt that" Nene quickly added. > "oh, how rude of me, these are friends of mine: let me introduce >you. THis is Bert van Vliet" Mike: The *other* Self Insertion character in this fic! Crow: We're sure you'll both get along fine! > "howdy" > "Nene Romanov" Ruri: Nene Romanova's evil twin brother, apparently. Crow: Huh? Ruri: Romanov's male, Romanova's female. Crow: Oh right, yeah. I knew that. > "hiya" > "Linna yamazaki (author note: sorry if I got linna's given name >wrong if I did)" Tom: I guess this where we would make that "Department of Redundancy Department" joke, if B was that type of MSTer. Mike: Hey, hey! Stay away from the Fourth Wall! > "tell me you have a brother?" > Locke shrugged "sorry, but I don't- only child." Ruri (Nene): Oh, that's great but he'd probably be too young. Crow (Locke): No, no, no, no, no. *I'm* an only child. Ruri (Nene): Well, you should have said that then. > "and you know priss" Ruri: Yeah, but anything's she's said about me is fabrication... > Locke's grin grew into an evil one Crow: ...and his eyes turned red. Mike: He's possessed! Tom: Hah! I *knew* Author Avatars were the Devil's work! >"yeah, I know little ms. moody." >while parrying a blow to his face. of course, her punch never made it. Mike: Oh, of course. After all, he's Monkey Boy. > "I hate it when you call me that!" priss always grew angry whenever >someone called he little miss moody Crow: Oh no! Priss has had a sex change! >and the supressed giggles by her friends- even sylia couldn't help it. Ruri: Sylia isn't just out of character here... She's already left her proper personality a few light years behind. >She noticed that someone was walking behind him: Leon. Tom (to Leon): Backstab him! *Please*! Crow (To Leon): We'll pay you! > "Hi Babe." > "hiya" Lucky for the two, they finally got over some of the rough >spots of their relations and actually found theirselves in love, i >guess. Ruri: What, you're the almighty author of this piece of toxic sludge and you don't know? >hell. Mike: We're already there, thank you. >Priss even let Leon kiss her in public which the two were >busy doing- instant lip lock :) Crow: You've really gotta be lame to put smilies into a piece of fiction... B: Hey! Crow: Whoops, sorry! ;) Tom: So, I guess you've just admitted you're lame, huh? Crow: What do you... D'oh! B: I better get outta here... 'specially after I knocked Lynxara and co. for doing this in MWT3k number 4... Crow: Go away! B: Okay, okay... I was just doing my complementary bit... Read Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000, by Lynxara and co-writer of the week. It's nearly as good as my stuff! Mike: Come on, leave already! B: Yeah, yeah... Tom: What a weirdo... Mike: Anyway, MWT3k is *way* better than this crap... B: Hey! Ruri: I thought you were gone... B: Oh, right. >After a few moment in an embrace. Priss >finished. "god, you know how to kiss a girl...." Tom (God): Indeed I do, mortal. Crow (Priss): Can you teach me? > "Sorry, but I gotta go. Actually WE have to go" Ruri: We... So, Locke has to go to the little git's room? >glancing over at Locke who looked like he really didn't want to go. Tom: Oh, please, don't stay on *our* account. > pulling out a pen and a piece of paper he gave Sylia his vidphone >number Crow: 1-800-555-JERK? Ruri: 1-800-JACKASS? Tom: 1-800-DICKWEED? >"If you ever need to call me, just dial the number. >matteroffact, how would you like to go out dinner friday?" Mike: No, I'm afraid that conflicts with the day I might have to wax my nose-hairs. > Sylia smiled jubilantly "I'd luv to." Ruri: Oh, so Sylia's a cockney now... Tom: Waitaminute... Lemme get this straight... He's not even done the second part and he's *already* got a date with *Sylia* of all people?? You had better be *kidding* me! > Maybe there's hope for us yet, they both thought in union. Tom: Umm... no. Mike: But don't worry, you haven't got any problems that an shotgun to the head won't cure! > **************************************************************** >The two officers left the Neohatten, bill paid of course, Tom: He's tweaking the truth a bit there. They climbed out a window before Shampoo could catch them. Mike: Speaking of Shampoo, where *did* she go? Shampoo: Shampoo have, uh, pressing engagement on other side of town. Ruri: So in other words, you lied yourself out of the fic? Shampoo: (nods then disappears) Ruri: How do these people get in here? Crow: How do they get in here, nothing! Can they get us *out*, that's what I wanna know! >and made >their way to ADP HQ. Little was happening tonight so they were free ot >go home for the night. Mike: Well, there *were* twenty-seven armed robberies occuring, as well as thirteen unsolved murders and one hostage situation... but then again, real cops don't have to deal with minor things like that! >Locke donned his helmet and made his way home Crow: To the nearest slum? Ruri: To the town dump? Tom: To the local insane asylum? Mike: To the first unoccupied park bench? >As he cruised at a healthy speed of 60 mph on highway one, Mike: Oh for cryin' out loud! People go faster than *that* in *Pennsylvania* even! Tom: Yeah, thirty years in the future, people would go well over 100 mph. >he noticed an explosion to his right. Crow (to explosion): Hey, you missed! >Squinting at the area he could see it was >none other than the ruins of the genom R&D. Ruri: Oh, how convenient. >Looking a little harder he could see 6 hardssuits Ruri: ...standing by idly while their owners drank beer and smoked cigarettes nearby. >fighting off about 20 Bu-12s. Mike: That's poetic license again. There were about three. He's just making himself look cool for when he inevitably blasts 'em. Crow (Sylia): Okay, everyone, we're gonna advance quickly in a backwards manner! >THings didn't look so good for KS. Ruri: Until our glorious of a hero came to their rescue. >He scanned for traffic and saw little so he thought >what the hell.... Mike: Oh, yeah, he just interferes in a life or death fight because he's *bored*. Tom: Never mind that most normal people would be going as fast as they can in the *other* direction. Ruri: Anyway, he's a cop. Shouldn't he be calling the authorities? Crow: Are you all kidding? He's the Self-Insertion character! He can do anything he wants! >TO any mundane, it would have looked as if the guy jumping of the >highway was some suicidal nut case- Mike: Well, the "nutcase" bit is accurate. Ruri: Pity the "suicidal" part isn't. >until they noted that rather than dropping he was flying. Mike: Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's... All: ...MONKEY BOY! > *************************************************************** >THings were going BAD Tom: Big and Dumb? Mike: Blasted and Drunk? Crow: Boston Arms Deliveries? >for Sylia and the knightsabers. Mike: Their hit single's sales were now drying up rapidly. >they were getting >a royal beating from these BU-12s even though they had killed off at >least 10 of the advancing boomers, Ruri: Oh, right. The Knight Sabers have trouble destroying boomers. Crow: So what's next, Oscar writing a tasteful piece of enjoyable prose? >each one came at the price of a >bone-jarring hit on one of the KS. Tom: Don't bother with them! Go after *Locke* dammit! >If something didn't happen, Sylia >feared she would never get that dinner Locke promised. Tom: Yeah, and we all know that missing a date is much worse than getting fried. Ruri: Wait, I get it... They're losing intentionally, right? >Deep in thought, >Sylia didn't notice the Bu-12 lurcking up behind her. Mike (Sylia): When *is* Mark Latus gonna finish Hurricane Season? Tom (Sylia): Why *did* Jim Duggan ever get a title belt? Crow (Sylia): Try "why *didn't* Chris *Benoit* ever get a title belt?" Ruri: No, I know what she's thinking. Crow: Well? Ruri (Sylia): Why the did I agree to be in this piece of anyway? Tom: Works for me. >Before either she Tom: There being four different she's, after all. >could respond to the boomer's presence or it too what was behind it, a >familiar hero of this blasted fanfic Mike: I've said it before, I'll say it again. When even the author insults his 'fic, you *know* it's gonna be bad! >leaped on the boomers shoulders >and gave it a point blank level 2 kinetic blast Tom: LAME AUTHOR AVATAR SEARING GAS PAIN ATTACK... ACTIVATE! Mike: Whoa... that must have been about five times too long... Tom: Oh, bite me. >leaving the boomer a >headless husk with a 2' hole straight down. All the members of KS could >do is stare and mutter 'holy shit'. Crow: Hey, Rob! The word "holy" shouldn't be in this description of Locke! Ruri: This guy should proofread his work better... >So these are the great knightsabers, locke thought to himself. Lets >just see who they are... Tom: After all, who knows how much people would pay for their identities and most private thoughts and deepest secrets! >by using a little bit of telepathy he decided >to start with the white\silver hardsuit Ruri: Once again: How convenient. Tom: That's starting to get old... Ruri: Tell that to the writer. >which was believed to be the leader of the troup. All Locke could do >was stare at her. Tom: So, is he gonna read her mind or isn't he? Mike: Oh, come on! Being the interfering busybody and complete dickweed that he is, we *know* he is! > "I don't fucking believe this." he said shaking hid head Tom: Okay, whoever hid Locke's head... make sure it *stays* that way! >as if he was trying to shake what he saw from his mind. here she was, Mike: Um, hello, Rob? "Capitals"? Ever hear of them? >love of >his life, leader and founder of the Knightsabers. He could only guess >that the rest of them where the friends of Sylia he met at the >neohatten. Ruri: Like I said before. Very convenient timing for all this. Tom: Like *I* said before, it's getting old. I call no more M:WPS plot convenience riffs. >To Be continued..... Crow: Okay, we're gone... (all exeunt) --- AND CUT IT THERE... --- > Taking his ear. priss pointed in Locke's direction "see the >red-headed guy talking with Leon? > "yeah- so?" > "he used to be Sylia's boyfriend :)"