Okay, disclaimers... Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to the people at Best Brains Inc. and Joel Robinson probably belongs to Joel Hodgson. Ranma 1/2 belongs Rumiko Takahashi and a lot of other people. Any other anime/movies/television shows/whatever mentioned within belong to their respective owners. Unless they don't, in which case they probably belong to me. (Mis)adventures of a Foreign Exchange Student belongs Pearson Mui. All rights to it are his and he's welcome to them! Please don't construe this as a flame, because it isn't. This is a revised version of my first ever MSTing. It has a few revised riffs and a new door sequence (a rip off of, erm, homage to Megane "The MSTing God" 6.7) Enjoy. Comments and C&C are welcome. And since it isn't actually my first MSTing, feel free to roast me. ;) * * * ( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. ) In the not too distant future, [ A shot of a starscape... Up in the S.o.L., Zoom in on the SoL. ] Joel Robinson and his robot pals, [Joel turns to face Cambot have been condemned to hell. and we zoom back to see the other Bots. At "hell", Fanfic sign goes off.] Their friendly neighbourhood lunatic cranks, [fade to SoL then zoom down Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, to a shot of Dr. F and Frank.] Have decided that they hate Joel's guts, [Dr. F and Frank shooting darts So they shot him into space at a picture of Joel...fade to and tried to drive him nuts. Dr. F ranting at Joel.] (Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) [A rocket going around the Earth] [Dr. F and Frank, with yellowed We'll send him cheesy fanfics, parchment. Dr. F speaks first The worst we can find (la la la) then drops his and grins evilly] He'll have to sit and read them all, [A back shot of Joel n' the Bots And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) in the theater... fade to a side shot of the same scene.] Now keep in mind Joel can't control, [Part of the door sequence.] Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) Because he used the special parts, [Scenes of Joel building the To make his robot friends. Bots.] ROBOT ROLL CALL! ["Robot Roll Call" appears on a blank screen, word by word.] Cambot! (Roll 'em!) [Cambot.] Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) [Gypsy.] Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) [Tom.] Crooooooow! (Bite me!) [Take a wild guess. ;)] If you're wondering how he eats [The SoL flies across the and breathes, screen then Dr. F and Frank And other science facts, (la la la) appear from under it.] Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, [Joel and co. hiding behind a I should really just relax, table with explosives on it.] For Mystery Science Theater 3000 (v. 2.0)!" [Dr. F trying to pay off a policeman, fade to the MST3k globe.] Best Brains on Drugs Presents... MSTed by Blazej Szpakowicz (zek@csi.uottawa.ca) Based on an original fanfiction by Pearson Mui MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (version 2.0) EPISODE 101: (MIS)ADVENTURES OF A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT (PART 1) The two hardened warriors stared at each other across the battlefield, each one's eyes staring into the other's. At least they would have been if they both had eyes. But since only one did, it was more a case of one combatant's eyes staring into the other's bubble. And vice versa. Crow bit his lip (or would have if he had one) as Tom Servo's hand snaked out, putting block after block into its proper place. Finally, satisfied with his work, Servo looked up at his challenger. Or he would have if he had eyes. Instead his bubble just bobbed up slightly. "That's... seventy-eight points, right?" Crow surveyed the board. He knew he was thoroughly out of his depth, even if he wouldn't admit it. As the two robots stared at each other (or would have if... never mind), their creator, Joel Robinson, watched as the mighty battle raged on. Suddenly, he looked up and started. "Oh, hello everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and these," he gestured at the two robots, "are, of course, Tom Servo and Crow." "Now, as you may know, I've been trying for quite a while to teach these two about human sensitivity, morals, history and... board games." Joel grinned slightly in a "Did I really just say that?" kind of way. "Now, to fulfill this, I've decided to teach them everyone's favourite spelling, crossword puzzle-making board game, especially those of us who are regional Spelling Bee champions, Scrabble!" Joel took a few steps until he was standing behind the two robots. "Zoom in here, Cambot," he said, motioning towards the board. The game board was filled with letters, spelling many different words, some simple, some exotic and some that one needed to be a scientist to recognize. Joel's eyes bugged out slightly as he saw "MARCHIONESS", "SPICULAR" and "VERSICLE" proudly adorning the game board. Crow, having been staring at the board for several minutes--Joel had started to worry that he had broken down--picked up several blocks and arranged them carefully on the board. If Tom Servo could have frowned, he would have. "And what, precisely, is a Xsdfehtrk?" Crow's mouth moved a few times without producing any sounds, then he said "It's, um, an exotic herb found in, uh, Outer... Mongolia." Tom tilted his bubble slightly, "I thought that a Hfhsdbak was an exotic herb from Outer Mongolia." Crow shrugged, "Well, there's more than one herb out there, you know..." Tom nodded his bubble sagely, "Of course..." "Well, what's a "dratch-ma", huh?" Crow questioned angrily. "A Greek coin." Tom answered smartly. "And a carotid?" "The artery in the neck." "Oh for... how am I supposed to have a chance if you decided to memorise the entire dictionary beforehand?" Joel tried to step in between the two robots to stop the budding argument, but the table happened to be in his way, so instead he just said, "Come on guys..." before a siren started to wail and a red light began to flash. "Oh, look! Buttman and Rawbone are calling!" Crow called out, sounding strangely relieved. Joel nodded and quickly stepped around the table to press The Button. The viewscreen in the SOL's wall shimmered briefly and two... peculiar looking figures appeared in it. Dr. Clayton Forrester, M.D., Ph.D., Ma.D., sneered out of the screen at the trio, clad in his trademark lime green labcoat, his assistant and general flunky, TV's Frank, standing behind him. "Ah, if it isn't the Weenie Brigade! Hello Joel, Robots." The last word was all but spat out. "I hope you have your invention ready." Joel nodded quickly, "Yes sir, hold on a minute sir." He ducked for a moment before reappearing with a pair of strange looking goggles pushed up onto his forehead and placing a VCR on the table. "Now, sir, as you know, there's a current fad to listen to music from Walkmans or Discmans. Now, in my opinion," Dr. Forrester's eyes narrowed slightly at the use of the word, "considering how most people like to watch movies and television, I believe these," he pointed at his goggles, "are the obvious next step. You just put them on like so," he said pushing them down onto his eyes, "and you can watch anything that you happen to have a videotape of." Joel bit his lip before continuing, "Unfortunately, I haven't quite been able to miniaturize the actual tapes, or the equipment for running them, so you'd have to have one of these," he pointed down at the VCR, "er, strapped to your back... I haven't quite perfected it, I suppose..." Dr. F. smirked superiorly--not the he ever did it any other way--and rubbed his hands gleefully. "Yes, well, that's very nice. However, after many years of hard work, Frank's blood, sweat and tears and a bit of burglary, I've created this beauty." He pointed down at a mass of wires, dials , buttons, levers and other assorted thingamabobs lying in front of him. "With this machine, you can take any one item and--provided you know it's exact mass, volume and density--teleport it to anywhere in the world. Bwahahahahaha!!!" The Mad Scientist frowned slightly. "I really need to work on my evil laugh... Anyway, to demonstrate, I picked up this piece of paper from Frank's room and analyzed it a few minutes ago. I just put it on this platform, press these switches, push these buttons, twist this dial, and...uh, kick the damned contraption, and... Ha! It works! It works! Bwahahaha!" Forrester laughed with pure joy as the sheet of paper vanished (And, unknown to anyone in the room, it proceeded to reappear in orbit around Earth, thus convincing a passing spaceship of extremely intelligent superbeings that yes, there was sentient life on the planet but they were litterers and really weren't worth contacting). "Ah, that was much better... Say, Frank, what was on that?" Frank shrugged. "I'm not sure, Doctor F. Either the plans for world peace or the formula for the cure for cancer." "Oh? Well, whatever it was, I'm sure I could make it better than you anyway. *Ahem* Your experiment today, my dear Joel, is a very recent theatrical blockbuster that didn't deserve half the money it made. You might have heard of it... it's entitled "Batman and Robin". And it's right over..." Dr. Forrester's eyes narrowed briefly, and he shot a few glances around in confusion. "Frank... did you go and buy the new movies like I told you to...?" Frank blushed. "Um... no Dr. F... I think I forgot." "Why, you... I swear, they don't make brain-dead lackies like they used to..." Forrester shook his head sadly, "Still, don't think you get a reprieve, Dink boy! This is a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction that's been hanging around for a while. I don't think I ever got around to sending it to you... It's entitled "Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student" and it's really, really... bad! Enjoy!" He reached forward and pressed a button... *Bzzt* *Bzzt* *Bzzt* "Oh No, We've got FANFIC SIGN!!" Everyone yelled out as they rushed into the theatre... Door 6: It's a plain wooden door. You yell "Here's Johnny!" and it breaks apart. Door 5: It says "(A)bort, (R)etry, (E)scape". You fiddle with it for a while then give up and reboot. Door 4: It's a large, foreboding black iron gate decorated with skulls and completely chained up. You grab the handle and it opens. Door 3: It goes up into the ceiling but gets stuck, forcing you to crawl under. Door 2: It's a dead-end. You toil for several hours digging a tunnel and then lean against the wall to rest. It falls away. Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater. > email to: U59090@uicvm.uic.edu > [alias Pearson Mui; current e-mail: pmui@jurai.net. -B] Crow: Okay. *ahem* Dear U59090@uicvm.uic.edu: Your fanfic sucks. Period. > Well, this is my first fanfic. Crow (Mui): ...And my last. I promise! Tom: Yeah, right. The world should be so lucky. Joel: Come on guys, give it a chance. > I'd like to thank megazone@wpi.wpi for taking... Crow: ...My soul. Tom: But, unfortunately, only that. > ...a look at this, and also my sister for her "destructive criticism." Tom: ...Which there wasn't enough of. > Sharp-eyed > people might just find a Street Fighter II inside joke. Enjoy! Crow: That's sort of like asking someone to enjoy a heart attack. > RANMA 1/2: (MIS)ADVENTURES OF A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT Joel: Too bad this fanfic isn't MIA. Crow: Too bad the author wasn't DOA last time he was at the hospital. Joel: Crow! Crow: What?? I haven't even said anything about... Joel: CROW! Crow: ...hamdingers yet. What? > [Exterior shot of Furinkan High School.... Crow: Meanwhile, in Stately Wayne Manor... > ...Ranma and Akane are walking to their > first class, unusually quiet for the day. Joel (students): Run! Run! There's a bad fanfic coming! > A taxicab pulls up beside them... Crow: But not *on* them, unfortunately. Joel: ... Crow (immediately): I mean, it would save us reading the fanfic, right? > ...as Ranma nearly collides with its passenger.] Tom: And gives him a heart attack, thus ending the fanfic. > Ranma: [Backing away from the passenger] Hey, watch it! Tom: Go on, Ranma, put him out of our misery! Joel: Guys, can you please wait a bit before becoming morbid? > Passenger: Sorry about that! [turns to the taxidriver] Here's your fare, > and is 1000 yen okay for a tip? > Taxidriver:... Joel (Travis Bickle): You talkin' to me? You talkin' to *me*? > Taxidriver: Okay? Tom: You kidding? You should pay me in *blood*! Crow: Preferably the author's... Joel: Guys... Crow: Well, you can always pay me by... Joel: Don't even *think* it, Crow. > That's a pretty good tip! Thanks, kid! > [The passenger, a young Chinese man, reaches into the cab to get his > packages: a backpack that would rival Ryoga's... Joel: And an intellect that would rival Kuno's. > ...and a large suitcase. The kid is your average Chinese teenager... Crow: *My* average Chinese teenager would be a very shapely girl about 5'8" with good legs and a nice... Joel: Crow! Crow: ...personality. > ...about 16, and is the type that one wouldn't think > twice about except for his strangely Occidental and intense eyes. Crow: So his eyes were born in the west? Tom: And now, I veel rip ze eyes out of zis young virgin and put zem in your head, Chang! Joel: That's sick. Tom: Oh, bite me. > He closes the door and the taxi drives off.] Crow: (Taxi Driver): Dickweed. > Passenger: Excuse me, but is this Furinkan High School? Joel: No, it's Tomobiki High. The sign's there cause we're filming a movie. Tom: Ranma 1/2, the Musical! Not coming anytime soon to a theater near you. Crow: Starring Gene Kelly. > Ranma: [looking at Akane... Tom (Ranma): Duuuh... Is this Furinkan, Akane? I can't remember... Joel (Akane): I think you've taken to many koi ponds to the head, Ranma. > ...then turning to the kid] Yes. > Passenger: Great! Now can you tell me where to find... Joel: A toilet? Tom: A brain? Crow: A girl that I can... Joel: CROW! Crow: ... ask where to find something? > ...an [digs a paper out of his pockets] Akane Tendo? Joel: Well now, that depends. Are you an evil homicidal maniac, a prince, a dreadful and powerful demon, Chibi Usa or Oscar? Crow: If your answer to any of the above is "yes", then she's had a sex change and changed her name to Tatewaki Kuno. > Akane: That's me. Who are you? Tom: God. Crow: John Biles. Joel: Torgo. > Passenger: The name's Pat Lee. Joel: Lee as in "Bruce" or as in "Tommy"? > I'm a foreign exchange student, at least for the next two weeks. [Looks > confused when Akane stares at him blankly] You mean you didn't know? All: NO! > I wrote you a letter not two days ago. Tom: NOT two days ago? So, when DID you write it? Crow (Pat): Well, way I recall, it was back around the time of the Battle of Waterloo... > Akane: No, I don't remember anything about a foreign exchange program. Joel: *sigh* Short term memory's always the first to go. > Pat: Well, I know that I was supposed to meet either you or your sister, > Nabiki, here. > [Just then, Nabiki walks towards Ranma, Akane and Pat] Joel: Convenient timing... > Nabiki: Hey, what's going on around here? Joel: We're having a picnic. Tom: We're rehearsing the school play. Crow: We're plotting to take over the world. Tom: We're discussing ways to torture and kill Chibi Usa. Crow: We're selling these fine leather jackets. > Ranma: You tell us. This guy says he's an exchange student. > Nabiki: [Looking unfazed] My, did I forget to tell you about that? Well, > now you know, bye! > Ranma: [stepping in front of Nabiki] All right, how much is this guy > worth to you? > Pat: Hey! I'm not some kind of door prize, you know! Joel (Pat): Yes, I am not a number, I am a free man! > Ranma: Sorry, but if Nabiki brought you here all the way from...by the way, > where are you from? All: HELL! Crow: Or possibly Newark. Whichever. > Pat: The United States, or to be more precise, Illinois. Crow: You're ill? Is it terminal? > Ranma: Okay, as I was saying, if Nabiki went through all the trouble to > bring you here from the U.S., there's got to be something that's worth her > while. Tom: It's probably not this fanfic, though. Joel: Maybe she'll pay him to stop it happening. All: ... NAAAH! > Pat: Well, the payment of room and board is 30,000 yen per week. Joel: Or about three and a half dollars. 'Bots: ... Joel: Well, give or take a few hundred. > Ranma: [glaring at Nabiki] Is that all you wanted from this guy, money!!? Crow (Nabiki): Naaah, I was hoping for worship, money, foot-kissing, money, his soul, money, the deeds to all his worldly possessions, money, sex, mon... Joel: CROW! Crow: ...ey. What? What?? I just said "money"... > Nabiki: Well, I'll take my money where I can find it. Tom: Under rocks? Joel: Inside safes? Crows: In bank vaults? > [Just then, the early bell rings, bringing a timely reprieve for all > involved... Crow: Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's leave! Joel: I don't think they meant us, Crow... Crow: Damn. > This doesn't last long, though, as Kuno makes his appearance, complete with > a bouquet of roses and his bokken.] Crow: Actually, we should mention that the singular of "bokken" is actually "bokuto", so this sentence is wrong. Joel: Crow... Crow: What?? Joel: You actually made a meaningful comment. I'm impressed. Crow: Naturally. Does this mean I can talk about sex now? Joel: ... No. Crow: Damn. > Kuno: Ah, Akane, these roses pale in the presence of beauty such as... Crow: Shoot him. Now. Please. > [notices Pat] eh? Who is this gaijin that dares to stand between me and you? Tom: I dunno...Gambit? Joel 'n' Crow: *groan* Joel: Bad pun. > Pat: Huh? [looking around] Did I do something wrong? [thinking] And what > the heck does gaijin mean anyways? Joel: No, it doesn't mean "anyways". It means "all existing copies of this fanfic should be burnt to a cinder". Okay, actually it doesn't. But it should. > [takes out an electronic phonetic Japanese > translator and keys it in. Pat reads to himself the rough meaning] "A > derogative term for outsider or foreigner." [looking at Kuno] Crow (Pat): *My God he's hot...* Joel: Crow... > Uh, listen, I > may be a foreigner, but that's no reason for you to put me down. Tom (Pat): 'Cause I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me. Crow (Pat): Yeah... And you're mean. *sniff* > And if I'm in the way of your friend, [moves out of between them] Joel: Yes, he leaves the great land of Between Them, wherever exactly *that* is. > I'm sorry. Joel: Look, the author's apologizing for having written this fanfic! > Kuno: A mere apology will not save you. You have offended me and my honor! > Pr Crow: ...iss Asagiri suddenly appeared and blew everyone to tiny little pieces. The End. > [Ranma prepares to intervene on Pat's behalf but Pat waves him off.] Tom: Now, now, dear. Not in public! > Pat: It's my fight. > Ranma: Are you sure? Crow: Hey, if Pat wants to get himself killed, who're you to argue? > Pat: [smiles] Eh, I'll be okay. [Takes off his backpack and lowers his > suitcase] Tom: And Ladies and Gentlemen, in the red corner, introducing, from Illinois, U.S.A., Pat "I wish I were Bruce" Lee!!! Crow: And in the blue corner, from Nerima, Tokyo, the one, the only, the BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH (TM), Tatewaki Kuuuunooooo! Joel: And now, llllet's get rrrready to rrrrumblllle! > [Kuno takes several swings at Pat. Ranma, Akane and Nabiki look on as Pat > evades each and every stroke. Crow: What, Pat had a stroke? Tom: If only... It says he evaded all of them. Crow: Maybe we could get Rei to curse him? > After about a minute, Kuno prepares for a swing > down the middle of Pat's head. The bokken goes down and Pat grabs it with > one hand without any difficulty. Tom: Unfortunately, he didn't know that Kuno could split trees with his weapon and his hand therefore got chopped off at the wrist. > A crunching sound is heard as Pat grinds > the part of the sword that he's holding into sawdust. Letting go of the > sword, Pat kicks with his right leg. Joel: And now, everyone, kick out your right leg! One-two-three-four, one-two three-four! > Kuno dodges but isn't prepared for the > same leg snapping back, hitting him on the face. Pat finishes up with a > roundhouse kick and does a short hop... Crow: It's Pat the Frog. Tom: D'you think Kermit will want to sue him for breach of copyright? > ...apparently to do a drop kick.] > Pat: SPINNING HURRICANE KICK! All: MAKE UP! > [The hurricane kick hits Kuno three times in the face Tom: Well, at least he didn't hit him anywhere vital. > knocking him down to the ground. Crow: My God, someone get down there! That patch of ground might be hurt! > Landing, Pat lifts Kuno's head with one hand while the heel of > his other is cocked All: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KUNO! YOU BASTARDS!! Joel: ... Oh, and Crow? Don't even *think* it. Crow: Awww... > apparently for a killing stroke.] Tom (Pat): And if you ever, *ever* call me a frog again, I'll *really* hurt you... Crow: ... Are you trying to tell me something? > Pat: Okay, mister, prepare for the ultimate blow! HHHHAAAAIIII... All: HAI-KEEBA!!! > [Pat's hand > stops short a centimeter from Kuno's nose. Pat then performs a noogie on > Kuno's head, complete with appropriate squeaking sound effects. Crow: First a frog, now a pig. Tom: Ryoga'll get jealous. > Shocked, Kuno falls face first on the ground. Joel: ...Badly damaging the ground and giving himself a slight headache. Crow: ...and the winner by knockout and *new* World's Most Irritating Egomaniac, Pat Lee! Tom: So, he beats up Kuno within five minutes of showing up? Yep, we have Godboy Self-Insertion, bet on it. > Pat gathers his belongings as > if nothing ever happened and walks towards the school.] Crow (Pat): Well, I just beat up a powerful martial artist who can split trees with a wooden sword. *innocent whistle* Just another day in my life... > Akane: [looking at Kuno, then Pat] You weren't actually going to kill him, > were you? Joel (Pat): Yup, pretty much. > Pat: [looking at Akane] Nah, I wouldn't kill anybody. The look on his face > was priceless! [laughing] All: Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck! > Besides, my brother always told me that > humiliation is worse than death for the other guy any day. Tom (Pat): Except Tuesdays and Thursdays between four and six. Crow: So, when d'you think we'll find out his brother's named Bruce? > [looking at the > school clock] Uh-oh, we'd better get to class! Um, do you know where class- > room 1-A is supposed to be? > Ranma: Just follow us. [runs to class] Crow (Ranma): Quick, Akane, let's try to trap him in a locker! > Pat: [to himself] I just hope that every day isn't like this. > [In class 1-A, rumors are abounding about the new kid that defeated Kuno. Joel: So, is it true that He's an insanely powerful martial artist who can beat up everyone with the possible exception of Ranma with a snap of His fingers? Tom: So, is it true that He's all but perfect and will solve all the problems in the world? Crow: Do you think He'll be kind enough to share the cure for AIDS He's no doubt discovered with us? > The teacher silences the class with a sharp look.] Tom: With a sudden shudder, the sharp look suddenly smashed into an empty desk, silencing the entire class within seconds. > Sensei: Class, we have an exchange student from the United States who will > be studying here for the next two weeks. I want you to treat him as if he > were a regular student. Joel (teacher): So please be sure to swear at him, mutter about him behind his back, curse his name and generally be very mean to him. > [Glances at Pat] Mr. Lee, it may be appropriate for you to > dress in blue jeans, a plaid shirt and a jogging jacket in the States, but > around here, I expect some more civilized clothes. Tom: You-must-wear-a-school-uniform. You-will-be-assimilated. > Is that understood? Crow (Pat): What does civilized mean? > Pat: Yes, sensei. All (Pat): Dickweed! > [After a lengthy and boring lecture about the history of World War II, the > lunch bell finally rings, relieving the students. > They stampede out of the class. Crow: *hums Bret Hart's entrance theme* > Pat tentatively follows Ranma and Akane to the lunchroom.] Crow: Must have had a blister on His feet from kicking someone as thick skulled as Kuno. > Pat: [sitting down next to them] You know, in all the confusion, I never did > get your name [looks at Ranma]. Tom: Today at K-Mart: Names on sale for a special introductory low, low price of $2.99 or two for five dollars. Buy now while supplies last! > Ranma: It's Ranma. Ranma Saotome. Joel (Forrest Gump): My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. Crow (Forrest Gump): But you can call me Forrest Gump. >[extends his hand] Joel: My God, it's Ranma Fantastic! > Pat: [shakes Ranma's hand] How do you do? Who was that guy that I beat, > anyway? Tom (Ranma): The local punching bag, why? > Akane: His name's Tatewaki Kuno, but everybody here either calls him > upperclassman or Kuno. Crow: Or "idiot", or "stupid dweeb", or "pervert", or "dickweed"... Tom: Or possibly "Cannon Fodder". > Pat: [grinning] With a given name like Tatewaki, it's no wonder he goes by > his family name. Crow (Pat): Yeah, it's just as stupid as, say, "Ranma" or "Akane", isn't it? > Not many people can pronounce it. Tom: Unless of course, they happen to be Japanese. Or even a intelligent American. > [starts digging into his > backpack for his lunch] Let me see here, books, clothes, laptop computer, > walkman, tapes... Crow: Personal Flamethrower, Shotgun, Mace... Tom: The entire Encyclopaedia Britannica... Joel: Skateboard, Bicycle, Rolls Royce... Yup, everything seems to be here. > AHA! There's my lunch, all the way down there! Joel: And, oh, look at that; it seems to be moving! Crow: You'd better hit it a couple of times, Pat! > [pulls out a > small lunch bag, amazingly intact considering what was on top of it] > Ranma: [amazed at the contents of Pat's backpack] Tom (Ranma): My God... *clothes*! And... *books*! Who'd have thunk it? > How the heck can you fit > all that in your backpack? And why do you need a laptop computer in that > thing? Crow: And what about Scarecrow's brain? > Pat: Number one, I manage. Number two, it's for sending letters to my > family. Hardly anybody goes by conventional mail anymore. Joel: Except for three-quarters of the world, of course. > By the way, does every day start off like this? Tom (Ranma): Well, we usually only go to school on weekdays, actually. > Ranma: No, you kind of caught us on a slow day. > Pat: That was slow!!!??? Crow: Careful there; you might have to be ticketed > Akane: You kind of get used to it after a while. > Pat: [muttering] That's what they said about smog in Chicago. Crow (Pat): ...And I adapted fine to that... *evil slurping giggle* > [to Ranma and > Akane] By the way, where am I going to stay, since you weren't really > expecting me to drop by? Tom (Akane): Well, there's this really nice haunted crypt just across the way from our dojo... Crow (Akane): They say a bloodthirsty serial killer lived there for five years before dying a horrible death! > Akane: Well, you could stay in Ranma's room. [Ranma glares at her] Or, we > could make some arrangements when we get home. > Pat: Cool. Now, on to lunch! Crow: Dum-de-dum-de-dum! WE MUST MOVE ON LUNCH, MEN! Then we need to conquer Dinner by nightfall! > [he swiftly devours his lunch, with nary a hair out of place] Joel: His lunch had hair...? Ewww! Crow (Pat): Oh, darn, it moved! *splat* *poke* *poke* Ah, that's better. > Ranma: Y'know, you kind of remind me of my dad. > Pat: How so? Crow (Ranma): Well, you're big, fat, bald, cowardly and you eat a lot. Oh, and I don't suppose you turn into a panda by any chance...? > Ranma: You both like to eat a lot. Crow: Hah! I told you so. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. Joel: Crow... you love saying "I told you so". Crow: Oh, you're right; so I do! > Pat: [raises an eyebrow] Well, it's nice to know that you hold your father > in such high esteem. Tom (Pat): Not to mention *me*... > Akane: You don't know Uncle Saotome very well. Joel (Akane): And you don't know *how* lucky you are...! > [Kuno appears, somewhat bruised from the morning encounter with Pat. He's > holding another bokken and a small slip of paper. Tom: The paper seems to say "Come back again reaaal soon! Love, Hinako-chan." It has several hearts and things drawn on it... Joel: Tom... Tom: Oh, bite me. > He saunters over to Ranma > and Akane's table and slaps the paper down in front of Pat.] Joel: *slap* Bad paper! Down boy! > Kuno: Do not think that you have defeated me simply because I have been > humiliated. I challenge you to a duel tomorrow. Joel: You sure that's Kuno? He's seems to be speaking much too normally... Tom: Maybe he got hit on the head one time too many. All: Naaah. > One other thing, prepare to > make peace with whatever gaijin deity you worship. [leaves the lunchroom] Crow (Pat): Um, hello, Satan? I'd like to pray for my soul please, if you have a moment...? > Pat: [looking at the paper] Great, it hasn't even been a day that I'm here > and someone's tried to kill me! Tom (Pat): I swear, my daily quota is just so *low*! Crow (Pat): I mean, back home in Chicago, I was getting at least five death threats a day! > What do I do now? I didn't come to Japan just > to be skewered by some self-righteous sword-swinging maniac! Crow (Pat): No, I came here to be shot by a gun-wielding one! Joel: Then why'd you leave the U.S. in the first place? Crow (Pat): I dunno, Doc, that's why I came to you... You've gotta help me! Pearson Mui: You talking to me? Crow: Uh... no? Perason Mui: 'kay. (disappears) All: ... Crow: Who the hell was that? > [looks at Ranma] What would you do in my place? Joel (Ranma): Beat the heck out of him, insult him, sneer at how superior I am... and then get dumped into the nearest river by Akane when I say something wrong. > Ranma: Well, I'd just knock him down again, but nothing gets through to that > head of his, if you know what I mean. Crow (Ranma): Wink, wink, nudge, nudge... > [interior scene of the Tendo household. Pat is being introduced to the > various members of the family.] Joel: Yeah, this is Uncle Fester and that over there's cousin It. > Akane: This is Kasumi, my father, and Mr. Saotome Tom: So, did two of them die and the other develop MPD? Crow: Maybe they took the heads of Soun and Genma and sort of sewed 'em onto Kasumi? Joel: (evil cackle) You will bring me the head of Soun Tendo, Igor! Crow: (lackey-type voice) Yeeeesss, Masss-terrrr! > ...[who is amazingly a person, not a panda]. Joel: And how precisely does Akane pronounce the square brackets? > Pat: [bows formally to all of them] I'm sorry that you were caught... Crow (Pat): ...but you really shouldn't have been trying to steal the neighbour's Eggo's. > ...unaware of my arrival. > Kasumi: [smiling] Well, I hope that you enjoy your stay. If you'll excuse > me, I have to prepare dinner. [leaves the parlor] Crow (Kasumi): ...Come on, Ranma-kun, I need too chop you up for dinner. The family is hungry, you know. Joel: CROW! Crow: Hey, don't blame me, blame Webdragon. > Soun: I think that you'll find that things are pretty peaceful around here. Joel: When pigs fly, hell freezes over, the cows come home and Kuno speaks like a normal human being. Simultaneously. > Ranma: Once you get used to Akane's temper tantrums. [SLAP!] Tom: So Mallet-san now just slaps him instead of blowing him away like a golf ball? > Akane: BAKA! Joel: Is she saying that the author's an idiot? Crow: Maybe she means that anyone who's reading this of their own free will is? > Soun: Now, now, there's no need for language like that. Remember, Pat is a > guest in our humble home. Crow (Pat): But not for much longer! I'm outta here! > Pat: By the way, do you mind if I settle into my room for a bit? I've got > some things that I have to unpack. Tom (Pat): Yeah, the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, the Shroud of Turin, the only remaining copy of Action Comics #1... Joel (Pat): Yeah, and do you have a towel I can steal? I left mine somewhere... > Ranma: [picking up Pat's suitcase] Follow me. > [Ranma and Pat arrive at the guest room (i.e., Ranma and Genma's room. Pat > takes off his backpack as Ranma puts down the former's suitcase and leaves.] Crow (Pat): Ah, it sure feels nice to finally get that sliced up corpse off my back! > [Pat unpacks his laptop computer and connects it to the power supply in the > room. He powers it up and begins to type.] Crow (Pat): Dear Everyone: Life Sucks. I am now going to blow my head open with the revolver I brought here instead of my towel. Buh-bye. *bang* > Pat: (voice-over) Well, I finally made it relatively intact to Japan, bro. > So far things have been pretty uneventful, if you call someone trying to > kill me uneventful. Crow: Of course, if you call that uneventful, you probably call Chicago safe. > This guy, Kuno, seems to have this crush on one of the > daughters of my "foster family." Tom (Pat): And about three dozen other people. Not to mention a full-fledged love affair with himself. Oh but wait, I'm not supposed to know that yet! > I don't think that she's returning the favor. > The guy challenged me to a duel tomorrow because I humiliated him when he > probably expected a death blow. Joel (Pat): I think next time I'll just try and make everyone happy by killing him on the spot. > I know that the first and only rule in > street fighting is to get your opponent down and make sure that he never > gets back up, but I just can't kill anybody. Tom (Pat): Why? Because I'm a pathetic little drip. Crow (Pat): And seeing as I'm horrendously powerful, can beat anyone without breaking a sweat and will probably fall in love with Nabiki and make everyone realize their true love for one another, I suppose that must be my token flaw. > Also, you know those letters from > Akane, my "foster sister?" They were written by her sister, Nabiki. She set > this whole foreign-exchange thing up just to get some money for room and > board. You were right, the person that wrote those letters seems really > scheming. Crow (Pat): This being based on all fifteen seconds that I've seen of her. > Akane, however, I just don't know what to make of. She seems > almost like a tomboy, Joel: In the same way as Kuno is almost like an idiot? Tom: In the same way as Genma is almost like a panda? Joel: In the same way as Chibi Usa is almost like the Spawn of Satan? Tom: In the same way as Oscar is almost like... uh, whatever? Crow: Actually, I think it's more like the way that Donald is "almost" a duck. > and she has this love/hate relationship with Ranma Joel: Let's see... she loves him and he loves... no; he loves her and she loves... nope. Um, they love each other and he hates her cooking? > (she loves to hate him and hates to love him). Tom: *Bzzt* Wrong answer! You do not qualify to be the all-powerful, all knowing self-insertion character whose hallowed status you are trying to attain. Please go back to Level One, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars. > I guess you'd call it tolerance. Crow: I guess you guess wrong then. > As to this Ranma guy, he can be a real jerk to Akane sometimes, > but nothing really malicious. Joel: Unlike her cooking. > Other times, however, he's actually pretty nice to her. Crow: "Other times" must mean when no one else is looking, when she's just been kidnapped by Prince-of-the-week, or when it's a fanfic. > Well, that's about it from Japan today. I'll write to you a > little later. Pat. Tom: My God, He can spell his own name! What a genius! > [At the same time that Pat's writing his letter, Ranma and Akane are sitting > outside near the fish pond.] > Ranma: So, what do you think about this guy? Crow (Akane): Oh, he seems pretty cool. I think I'll go and elope. See ya! > Akane: I really don't know what to make of him. Tom (Akane): I mean, I can make pork cutlets out of Ryoga or Peking duck out of Mousse, but I'm not really in to cannibalism... Joel: Yecchh! Tom... > He seems to be a nice > person. Then again, he might be a real jerk. I'll...we'll just have to wait > and see. Tom: Just not *too* long, please. The longer you go the longer this fic does. > Ranma: Does that mean you like him or something? > Akane: [standing up] WHAT?! All: *ahem* "DOES THAT MEAN YOU LIKE HIM OR SOMETHING?" > Ranma: [backing away] I mean as a friend. All: *sarcastic* SURE. > Akane: You mean as a boyfriend! [pushes Ranma into the fish pool] Crow: Well, seein' as he's male, he could hardly be a girlfriend! > Ranma-chan: Waugh! What was that for? Tom: For being a sex-changing freak who always calls me uncute, always insults my cooking and always picks on P-Chan probably. Seeing as it's Akane and all... > Akane: For calling that guy my boyfriend! [storms off] Tom (Akane): Yeah, don't you know I'm a lesbian?! Joel: Crow... I mean, Tom! > Ranma-chan: [to herself] What a hot-tempered uncute tomboy Joel: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing this wonderful, brand new sensation! Thrill your friends, confound your enemies. It's... a cliche! Bots: Huzzah! > [walks into the > house to take a quick hot shower. She passes by her room, with Pat still > typing away. Unfortunately, Pat looks up from his laptop and sees Ranma-chan > walking by. He gets up to intercept her.] Joel: *bzzt* I'm approaching the enemy Ranma-chan on an intercept course. Preparing torpedoes... > Pat: [tapping Ranma-chan on the shoulder] Hey, I don't think I know you. > What's your name, anyways? > Ranma-chan: Joel: I'm your long lost twin sister, of course! Tom: I'm Hikaru Shido... Can I test my sword on you? > Ranma-chan: [turning around] Come on Pat, it's me, Ran-[pauses, then > realizes that Pat doesn't know anything about her curse]-ko. I'm Akane's > cousin. Joel: Yeah, from different grandparents on both sides. > Pat: [looking somewhat unconvinced] Tom (Pat): Nah, she *must* be lying. I mean, she must be a burglar. In broad daylight. In bright clothing. Which looks exactly the same as Ranma's. And with the same pigtail. Hmm... maybe... Naah. > Um...yeah, right. Then how come you're > wearing Ranma's clothes and you're sopping wet? Crow: Alright, you've caught me. I *am* Ranma. I'm really a cross dresser. Tom: Well, he is, sort of... Joel: You know, in less than a tenth of the story, Pat's managed to figure out ninety-eight percent of Ranma's secret. Real clever type, isn't He? > Ranma-chan: [squirming] Uh...Akane kind of pushed me into the fish pond > outside, and Ranma lets me borrow his clothes. Joel (Pat): Yeah, and the moon is made of blue cheese, right? > Pat: [thoroughly unconvinced] I don't think so. Nabiki's letters never > mentioned you as either part of the family or staying here. What the heck is > going on here? I want the truth. All: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! > Ranma-chan: All right, but I need to take care of something in the bathroom. > Pat: Okay. I'll be waiting outside. [pats Ranma-chan's shouler] Joel: Look, Pat's a Shouler Monk. Tom: Or possibly a Shouler monkey. > [Rnama-chan goes into the bathroom and douses herself with hot water from > the shower. Tom: Believe it or Not: Japanese households do not possess those miraculous inventions called "sinks"! Joel: What precisely is a "Rnama" anyhow? Crow: A geneticist llama? > Ranma then exits to find a somewhat confused Pat waiting.] Joel: ...on him hand and foot. Crow: So, Master Ranma, would you prefer the Chardonnay or the Champagne on this fine day? > Pat: Hey, where did that girl go? Joel (Ranma): What, you mean the one that burst into the bathroom, jumped out the window and ran away screaming? Crow (Ranma): Well, she muttered a few arcane incantations before vanishing and allowing me to take her place, as per our pact with Saban. > Ranma: What girl? Tom: That Girl. Crow: About so tall, red hair, Chinese clothes, nice ti... Joel: CROW! Crow: ...teeth. > Pat: The girl that just went in there not five minutes ago. Tom: So how many minutes ago *did* she go in? > Ranma: Nope, no-one in there except me. [turns and starts to walk away. We > (and Pat) notice a small yellow smiley face sticker on his shoulder. Joel: (sings) Hmmm-hmmm-hmmmmmm *Duuuuuude Looooove*.... Tom: Yes, but who watches the Watchmen? > Pat catches up with Ranma.] > Pat: Hold it for one minute! [grabs Ranma by the shoulder] You see this > smiley face on your shoulder? I stuck that on the shoulder of the supposedly > nonexistent girl! Crow (Ranma): Okay, your minute's up. Bye! > Now, either you switched clothes with the girl, which is > highly unlikely, Joel: Unless, of course, he's learned a new Martial Arts Quick-Dressing technique. > or there's something going on here that I don't know about. Joel: Or possibly two, or three or fifty-eight thousand, two hundred and eighty one things I don't know about. Tom: Well, we already know that the author doesn't know about making reasonably normal, fallible, likeable characters. > Now, Ranko or Ranma or whatever your name is, I want some answers! Crow: Okay. Bumblebees, Zaphod Beeblebrox, 42, Monty Python's the Meaning of Life, Leviticus 2:12. You have five minutes to figure out the questions. Tom: I'll take "Bad Fan Fiction" for two hundred, please, Alex. > [Ranma sighs, then begins to explain his situation] Joel: Well, you know Nuriko from Fushigi Yuugi...? *nods meaningfully* > Pat: ...so let me get this straight, because you fell into a magical cursed > pool at Jusenkyo, you turn into a girl whenever you get doused with cold > water, but when you get splashed with hot water, you turn back into a boy. > If that's not enough, your father becomes a panda, a girlfriend of yours > turns into a cat, and someone you know turns into a pig. Is that about > right? All: Yup, pretty much. Joel: Actually, you forgot about Mousse and about thirty-seven volumes of Manga, but otherwise that's about right. > Ranma: I know it sounds crazy, but I have to live with this for the rest of > my life, or at least until someone finds the man-drown pool so I can turn > back to normal. Tom: Relatively speaking. > I can't tell you who turns into a pig, though. It's a matter of honor. Crow (Ranma): Yeah, I can tell you that someone does it, I can tell you everyone else's secrets, but I can't give you any actual names so that when you ferret it out I won't be blamed. > Pat: Well, the way Nabiki painted life here in her letters, you'd think it > was pretty boring here. That's another thing she lied about, other than her > name. Crow: Yeah, and the size of her... Joel: CROW! Crow: ...bank account. > [Ranma and Pat shuffle along to the parlor. Joel: "Please enter my parlor", said the Martial Artist to the Otaku. Crow: Hey, that's a good idea. Maybe someone could send a mutated Black Widow after Pat! > Kasumi has just finished cooking dinner Tom (Kasumi): Hmm, the pork looks about ready... > and is about to call everyone to the table.] > Kasumi: Oh... Joel: ...my Goddess? > ...Ranma, Pat, could you tell everyone that dinner's ready? > Ranma & Pat: Sure. > [Soon, everyone is at the table, devouring the food. Everyone, that is, > except Pat.] Tom (Pat): I will only eat ambrosia and nectar! > Pat: Okay, Nabiki, why didn't you tell me what was *really* going on around > here? Crow (Nabiki): Well... cause then you wouldn't have come? > Nabiki: What was I going to say, that we live with some gullible jerk that > turns into a girl, and his panda father? Joel: Exactly. Tom: Honesty is the best policy. Crow: Unless you owe someone a lot of money and they're in trouble with the police, of course. > Pat: Well, at least you could have been honest about your name! Joel: But would you be honest about your name if you were called Gertrude Hossenmeyer Thimbleweed? Huh, would you? > Nabiki:.... Crow: ...spat out four ants? Yuck! > Akane: [to herself] They couldn't be talking about...no, Ranma wouldn't be > *that* stupid. > [Later, Pat's talking with Akane and Ranma in Akane's room (a rare > occurrence indeed)] Joel: What, Pat talking? Tom: Someone being in Akane's room? Crow: The author using brackets? > Pat: So, what am I supposed to do about the duel tomorrow? I know I just > can't chicken out, he'd never leave me alone then. > Akane: I have to warn you, he's very dangerous. All: *snort* *sputter* *giggle* > Ranma: Except when he's fighting Akane, then he holds back a little. > [WHAP!!!] Crow: That's for using the word "little"! You're supposed to say "hight challenged", you big meanie! > Pat: I am not going to be using my "foster sister" as a shield, for crying > out loud! > Ranma: I wouldn't really worry about him. > Akane: You should. Remember when you had to go to Tofu-sensei after fighting > him? Crow (Ranma): What's a Tofu? > Ranma: [matter-of-factly] I remember that I had to go after a certain hot- > tempered fiancee' twisted my arm backwards, among other things. > Akane: It was your fault! Joel (Ranma): Hey, I've never even been to San Francisco! > [Ranma and Akane start up their usual argument over various subjects, > everything from A to Z. Tom: From Akane to Zimbabwe, it's the complete Ranma 1/2 Encyclopedia, coming soon! Joel: Zimbabwe? Tom: It was probably mentioned in one panel somewhere. Crow: Actually, most of their arguments begin with the letter P or the initials U.T. All: *hum a death march* > Pat puts up with it for two minutes, then holds up > his hand in a (futile) attempt to quiet the two.] Crow: Please recall that his hand was cut off earlier in his first fight with Kuno so that he could hold it up easily... > Pat: Guys...er, people, there's still the matter of my duel with Kuno. > [They still keep arguing. Pat finally loses what little frayed patience he > has left.] Joel (Pat): Help! The sleeve of my patience is ripping off! Crow: Well, that's what you get for buying it at Sears. > Pat: All right, CUT IT OUT!!! Joel: Yes, Mr. Saotome, Ms. Tendo, we really need to do that scene again. *Emotion*, that's the key word here. Remember, you hate each other's guts! > Now, what's the matter with you two? I could > be killed tomorrow morning and you two would still keep on arguing on whose > fault it was! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I GIVE UP! [storms off] Joel (Miracle Max): Have fun stormin' the castle! > Ranma & Akane: ... Crow: ...spit pebbles. > Akane: Ranma, I guess you'd better talk to him. Tom (Akane): Yeah, it's all *your* fault! Crow (Ranma): I must make him realize that our love is not to be! > Ranma: Okay. Joel (Ned Flanders): Okelee-Dokelee, Neighbourino! > [Ranma wanders around the house, looking for Pat. He checks his room, the > kitchen, and then goes outside. He hears some shouts from the dojo, along > with sounds of mass destruction. Ranma enters to find Pat practicing street > fighting. All: HAI-KEEBA!! Crow: Die, evil wall! > The latter just punched through a series of bricks. Pat then > proceeds to demolish other assorted objects. Tom: Hmm. Telephone, check. *kee-rash* Potion of Eternal Youth, check. *kee rash* Meaning of Life, check. *kee-rash* Plot, check. *kee-rash* Crow: Believability, check. Characterisation, check. > Just before he destroys another stack of bricks, Joel (Akane): Hey, I have a copyright on that! > Pat notices Ranma standing outside the dojo.] Crow: So, he entered the dojo, immediately teleported out so that Pat wouldn't notice him and then went in again when Otaku-God-Boy was done smashing bricks? Joel: I guess so. > Pat:....Listen, I'm sorry I blew up like that at you guys. I know you were > only trying to help. Tom (Pat): But, well, I'm so *sensitive* about my weight... > Ranma: Well, I'm sorry that you saw us fight. You didn't come here for that. Joel (Ranma): No, you came here to make everyone realize their true love for their intended other, marry everyone off, tie up all the loose ends Takahashi-sama left hanging and marry Nabiki, all in two weeks. > Pat: Yeah, well. By the way, any suggestions on what to do with Kuno? Crow: Yeah, but they're not printable! > Ranma: [smirking] Yeah. Try this on him for starters.... Tom: Yeah, smirk at him. That'll do it! > [The next day, Ranma, Akane and Pat are walking to school.] > Pat: So, do you think that suggestion of yours will actually work? Crow (Ranma): No, I was rather hoping you'd get killed, actually. > Ranma: Trust me, it'll work. Kuno is nothing if not predictable. Tom: Having decided to no longer call himself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, Tatewaki Kuno promptly disappeared. Joel: And the world became a better place. > Pat: Yeah, I noticed. I could see some of his swings coming a mile away. > But, that doesn't take away the possibility of me being skewered. Crow: Shish-kebab, meet Shish-kePat. > Akane: Exactly what kind of suggestions did Ranma give you Kuno, Pat? Crow (Pat): Well, he suggested that he turn into a girl permanently and we go off and... Joel: CROW! Crow: ...play pattycake. > Pat: Well, Ranma has to plead on my behalf, as a girl. > Akane: [glaring at Ranma] You told him? Tom: Yeah. You gotta problem with that?? > Ranma: [squirming] He kind of cornered me. Crow: When cornered, the ranma can become extremely vicious... > Akane: Great, why don't you tell the whole world about yourself? Joel: Because they all already know, except for Kuno? > Ranma: I told you, I didn't have much of a choice. He cornered me. Crow (Ranma): Yeah! You get your face smashed into a corner five times in a row and you'd tell him anything he wanted to know too! > Akane: That's no excuse! You could have at least... > Pat: [exaggerating] AY-HEM!!! Now, I hope you have a strong stomach for > this. [They arrive near the gates of Furinkan High. Crow: Meanwhile at Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane... > Ranma and Pat go behind the bushes as a SPLASH is heard] Joel: They were listening to the movie soundtrack? > Ranma-chan: GAAAAHHHH! Joel: Megami-sama? > NOT SO COLD! Crow (Ranma): Oh, your feet are so cold! I'm never getting into bed with you again! > Pat: [whispering] Sorry, but I didn't know how cold the water had to be, so > I packed ice water into my backpack. Crow (Pat): Bwahahaha! SUCKER! > [looks at Ranma-chan] You know, you look pretty cute as a girl. [smirks] Crow (Pat): Yeah. Let's have sex. Joel: CROW! Crow: WHAT? He started it! *points at screen* > Ranma-chan: All right, cut it out! I just hope that I don't feel sick > afterwards. > [they both go through the gates as Kuno arrives, right on schedule.] Tom (Kuno): Let's see... 7:00: get beaten to a pulp by new kid again. 8:00: rant about Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl. 4:30: high tea with the Queen of England... > Kuno: So, gaijin, you have actually arrived. > I expected you to be cowering under your bed. Tom (Kuno): Yeah, I was cowering under *mine* until my dear sister threatened me with her Cyanide Chicken Surprise. > [spots Ranma-chan] Oh! My pig-tailed goddess! Joel: Doesn't that just *scream* "crossover"? > [starts crying] I have counted the moments when we might meet again! Crow (Kuno): But I started getting confused somewhere around three... > Ranma-chan: Sempai, I humbly ask for you to spare this young man. [Kuno > looks reluctant to say the least] Crow (Kuno): Make spare ribs out of him? I may be hungry but I'm not *that* hungry! Tom (Homer): Mmmmmm... spare ribs... > Kuno: But, he has dishonored and humiliated me! Joel (Kuno): Yeah, and he smells bad! And he has beady eyes! > Ranma-chan: [looks at him with huge puppy dog eyes] Please? > Kuno: Very well. I give you your life. Crow (Pat): If you bought it at the same place you bought yours, I don't want it! > Pat: Oh, by the way, I do have a name other than gaijin. My name's Pat. Joel: Buchanan? Crow: Garrett? Tom: Roy? > Kuno: Don't push your luck. Joel (Kuno): How dare you tell me your name, foul, verminous gaijin! > [Pat and Ranma-chan go into an empty hallway. The former takes out a thermos > from his backpack and pours the contents over Ranma-chan, turning her back > into the male Ranma. Kuno is approaching them.] Tom: Kuno approaching at eleven o'clock... > Kuno: By the way, do either of you know where the pig-tailed girl went? > Pat: [points to another hallway] She went thataway. [to himself] I've > always wanted to say that. [Kuno leaves, in hot pursuit] Tom: *whistle* My God, that pursuit's good looking! > Ranma: Yech! I'm gonna have nightmares for a week about that guy! Crow: Been there, Done that, Read the Manga, Seen the Anime. > Pat: Well, at least he's off my back. Joel: Hmm. Kuno as a monkey. Tom: Nah, that's insulting monkeys. > Thanks, Ranma. Crow (Ranma): You're welcome. As payment I demand fifty-three virgins, ten ewe's brains and one dragon's liver! Joel: Ewww... Tom: Was that a pun? > Ranma: Don't mention it. > [cut to the end of the... Crow: Fic? > ...day. Crow: Damn. > Pat enters the kitchen of the Tendo Dojo to find... Tom: Everyone lying on the floor dead, their limbs strewn all over the room, their brains dripping from the ceiling. > ...Kasumi cooking.] Tom: Oh. Well, if it had been Akane cooking, I would have been pretty close. > Pat: Ah, Kasumi? Is it okay if I talk to you about something? All: NO! > Kasumi: [lowering the heat on the stove] Sure, what's on your mind? > Pat: I dunno. I guess it's all this craziness going on, especially Ranma and > Akane. > Kasumi: Why, is there something wrong with them? Joel (Pat): Aside from general insanity, no. > Pat: It's not that. [sighs] I guess I don't really understand those two. > One moment they seem fine, the next, they're at each other's throats! It's > driving me nuts! Tom (Pat): Why can't they just fight *all* the time, like a *normal* couple? > I know they're engaged, but they sure as heck don't act like it. > Kasumi: [thinking for a bit] Well, your confusion is perfectly > understandable. Tom: She's thinking: "What, he hasn't figured it out yet? What sort of Nigh- Godlike Otaku is he, anyway?" > I think it's because they're still trying to work out their > relationship. When they first met, they didn't like each other at all. Now, > I think that enjoy each other's company. Maybe they really do love each > other, deep down inside. [smiles] They'll never admit it, though. Of course, > things have been complicated by Ranma's friends like Shampoo, Ukyo, and > Ryoga. Trust me, everything will work out fine. Oh, by the way, this > conversation never happened. I do have a reputation, you know. All: *snore* Joel: So, what the heck does all that mean and does anyone even care? > Pat: [starting to leave] Thanks...[smiles] oneechan. Tom (Kasumi): Oh, go away, dickweed, you're not allowed to call me oneechan! > [Kasumi smiles back and resumes her cooking] > Pat: Oh, by the way, I'll be back in time for dinner, about a half-hour from > now. I'm going to check out the town. Joel (Pat): Yeah, I'm, like, gonna go check out the town, duuude! > Kasumi: You're not going with Ranma or Akane? > Pat: No, they're working on their homework. Joel (Pat): ...and since I'm a genius I don't have any. > See you in half an hour! [leaves] > [Pat is checking out the sights in town when he encounters a familiar (to > us) backpacked figure] > Ryoga: Excuse me, do you know the way to the Tendo dojo? Crow (Pat): Well, go about five hundred miles west and three hundred miles east... > Pat: Sure, you just go that way, then turn left on the 2nd street you > encounter. > Ryoga: Thank you. [goes the wrong way] Joel (Pat): No, not *that* that way, the *other* that way! > Pat: [grabbing Ryoga's arm] Crow (Ryoga): *wrench* *crack* Aaaagghhhh! Tom (Pat): So, tell me, why did you have an arm in your backpack, huh? > Ah, I think you'd better follow me there. Good > thing I've got 10 minutes till Kasumi finishes dinner. > Ryoga: You're staying at the Tendo dojo? > Pat: Yup, at least for the next 13 days. I'm a foreign exchange student. Joel (Pat): Yup, just your regular, run-of-the-mill, obscenely powerful, totally perfect foreign exchange student, that's me! > Ryoga: I see. You wouldn't happen, by chance, to know Ranma Saotome would > you? Crow (Pat): Nope, don't know anyone named Saotomewouldyou. Sorry. > Pat: Sure, he saved my hide today. Joel (Pat): Yeah, it's an eighteenth century buffalo skin. At least that's what the guy at Creepy Ed's Bargain Basement said. > Ryoga: He also ruined my life. > Pat: Really? How so? Tom (Ryoga): Well, he took it, smeared ketchup and mustard all over it and kicked it around a football field a few times. > Ryoga: [about to speak, then thinks better of it] Never mind. Joel: Whoa! That can't be right... "Ryoga" and "think" in the same sentence? This isn't supposed to be an alternate universe! > [the two arrive at the dojo, with five minutes to spare.] Tom: Come on up, one and all! Buy your minutes here, for only $2.99 a pound! It's a real bargain! COME ON DOWN! > Pat: I may be overstepping my bounds a bit, but, would you like to stay for > dinner? > Ryoga: No, thank you. I have to have a little...talk with Ranma. Crow: Yes, we have certain... intimate details to discuss... Joel: Crow... Crow: Bite me! > Pat: Well, at least take off that backpack of yours. There's no sense in > lugging that thing around. Tom (Pat): Saaay, who's leg is that sticking out of there? > Ryoga: [takes off his pack and removes his umbrella] I always keep this for > sentimental reasons. Joel (Ryoga): Yeah, I have very fond memories of not beating up Ranma with it. > Pat: [somewhat confused] Okay. > [Pat begins to lift Ryoga's pack with one hand, almost juggling it, much to > the surprise of Ryoga.] Crow: Aah! Nearly perfect, powerful martial artist, nice as pie and now stronger than Ryoga. I'm really surprised He hasn't done it with Nabiki yet. > Ryoga: Isn't that a little heavy for you? > Pat: Nah, this is nothing, really. > Ryoga: Nothing?! That's all that I have in the world! Crow (Ryoga): Yes, a piece of string, a cricket ball, my entire collection of Sailor Moon, the Rosetta Stone, a bottle of sixteenth century rum, twelve identical pairs of shirts and pants, a pencil, a leaky ballpoint pen, a towel with three holes in it and a sign saying "New Delhi". > Pat: [realizing that he may have made a huge mistake] Uh, I didn't mean it > like that, I meant that it wasn't as heavy as some other things that I've > lifted. Tom (Pat): Yeah, like the Arc de Triomphe and the Berlin Wall. > Ryoga: Are you sure that's what you meant? Joel (Pat): No, I actually meant "blort plazku froror kazaka-chuka". It's Martian for "You are an idiot". > Pat: Well, yeah. Listen, I don't want to start a fight here. Tom (Pat): ...but if we go inside I'll be quite happy to totally destroy both you and the dojo at the same time. > [Just then, Ranma comes out of the house looking for Pat.] > Ranma: Pat, Kasumi wanted to me to tell you that dinner is rea-urk! [sees > Ryoga with umbrella in hand] Ryoga! What are you doing here? Crow (Ryoga): Why, I'm here to see you, big guy! > Pat: [to himself] Uh-oh, I think I've brought trouble to the front door--- > literally! All: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! > [to Ranma] This guy's Ryoga? The same guy that's tried (among > other people)... Joel: Yeah, number two hundred sixty three in a limited series of five billion. > ...to kill you over a stupid misunderstanding? > Ranma: That's him. What were you thinking when you brought him here? Crow (Pat): "My God, I'm Hungry." > Do you know what he can do?! > Pat: [counting on his fingers] Well, yeah, you told me. Let's see, he's > unusually strong, carries a bamboo umbrella as a weapon, throws bandanas... > [trails off] Tom (Pat): Knows the value of pi to seventy-three places... Crow (Pat): Can stand on his head and juggle five knives simultaneously... Joel (Pat): Can remember every single line of dialogue from My Fair Lady... > [Ranma glares at Pat for being so literal.] > Pat: Well, he asked me for directions, and I thought that I'd go one step > further, since it's where I'm going. Tom: That sentence probably makes sense... if your drunk, cross-eyed and standing on your head. Joel: C'mon, it's not that bad. Tom: Yeah, but it's the first particularly bad sentence in the fic so I had to maul it. > Ryoga: I don't expect you to understand revenge...Pat, is it? Joel (Pat): No, it's Mike! Crow: Mike... Where have I heard that...? > Pat: You know what, you're right. To me, revenge is an exercise in futility. Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, we... *have*... LECTURE!!! Three... two... one... Sleep! All: *snore* > It's just a waste of time and effort. Jeez, can't you see that Ranma has > enough on his mind, what with several girlfriends, a perverted grandfather, > a father that's made his life a living hell... Joel (Ryoga): My God, YES! Of course, I see perfectly, Pat! I have been chasing Ranma for something that wasn't actually his fault and secretly sleeping with Akane even though she actually loves Ranma! I shall immediately go find Akari so that we can declare our immortal love to one another and live happily ever after! > Ranma: [sulkily] Thanks for reminding me of how miserable my life is, Pat. Tom (Pat): You're welcome. Payment will be accepted in gold, silver or platinum coins. But not Canadian currency. > Pat: [whispering] I'm trying to discourage the guy from killing you here and > now, do you mind? > [Kasumi comes out of the house.] > Kasumi: Ranma, Pat, dinner's getting cold. Tom (Kasumi): If you don't hurry, it will escape! > Pat: Ryoga, if you're going to kill Ranma, could you at least let him have a > last meal? Crow (Pat): Akane already promised to cook it and everything... > Ranma: You know, Pat, you're really encouraging. > Pat: I'm trying to buy you some time, here. [to Ryoga] Can you just wait > here until Ranma gets done? Crow (Pat): Remember, stay here equates to try to go to the bathroom, get lost and end up in Tibet. > Ryoga: [relenting] All right, but no tricks. [starts wandering off] Joel (Pat): Watch closely. Nothing up my sleeve... > Kasumi: Come on, you two. > [As Ranma, Pat and Kasumi go inside the house for supper, a faint SPLASH > comes from outside. Pat glances outside and sees something emerging from the > fish pond.] Joel: The Creature from the Black Lagoon? Tom: Swamp Thing? Crow: The Little Mermaid gone horribly wrong? > Pat: Hey, what's that outside near the pond? > Akane: [who has been waiting, along with everyone else] Well, whatever it > is, it can wait until after supper. Tom: Ahh, it'll be dessert. > [Everyone's seated and starts to eat dinner. A small black pig nonchalantly > makes his entrance and sits down near Akane.] > Akane: P-chan! [hugs the pig] Where have you been? Joel (P-Chan): Oh, here and there. Siberia, Mongolia, Ethiopia, Fiji... Tom: Mars, Alpha Centauri, Gallifrey... > I haven't seen you for a while! > [P-chan only snorts and gives an almost human-like dirty look at Ranma. > Ranma glares back at the pig. Pat notices three things: The yellow checkered > bandana around P-chan's neck, the fact that P-chan is dripping wet, and > Ranma's reaction to the animal.] Tom: My utter genius and Godlike Otaku-sense tell me that this pig is Ryoga. Joel: Actually, if the bandanna's checkered rather than tiger-striped, it can't be. Crow: It must be his uncanny lookalike, K-Chan! > Pat: [to himself] Hmmm. What's with Ranma and that pig? [to Akane] So, > how long have you had that pig, Akane? > Akane: [feeding P-chan] Oh, I've had him around for a couple of months. > Isn't he adorable? Tom (Pat): I think he'd look best char-broiled with some potatoes and beer, actually. Crow: Does that say "fondling P-chan"? Joel: No, it says "feeding P-chan". Get your mind out of the gutter, Crow. > Pat: I wouldn't know. I'm a lousy judge of pigs. Crow: Yeah, well, I'm a great judge of humans and I find you, Pat Lee, guilty of being an irritating git! Tom: What a *dread*ful joke. Crow: Yeah, but *yours* was worse! > Mind if I hold on to him for a while? > Akane: [handing over P-chan] I don't see why not. Tom: Do you see Why Not? Crow: No, but Why For is on your left, Why ShouldI is asleep in the other room and Why TheHeck is hanging from the rafters for some reason. > [Pat examines P-chan.] > Pat: Hmmm. This guy's pretty healthy. [P-chan starts squealing] Crow (P-chan): Do you like me? Do you find me pleasing? Joel: Crow! Crow: What!? Do you speak Pigese? For all we know, he might have said just that. Tom: "Pigese"? What's that, Pig Latin? > Whoa, there, settle down! [jokingly] I make it a point to never eat pets. Joel (Pat): Except on Sundays and Holidays. > [CHOMP! P-chan bites deep into Pat's hand. Pat simply detaches the pig from > his hand and looks deeply into the pig's eyes] You do that again, and I'm > going to have to hurt you. Now, sit down, relax, and enjoy your dinner, all > right? [P-chan is actually intimidated. Crow (P-chan): My GOD does he have bad breath! > He scoots back to Akane, cringing next to her.] Joel (P-chan): Help! Save me from the evil Otaku! > Akane: Look what you did! You scared him! [hugs P-chan again] Oh, are you > all right? > Pat: Akane, I suspect that he'll live. Joel (Sherlock Holmes): Yes, Watson, the singular fact that he appears to be breathing leads me to believe that he is not dead! > Besides, I was just joking about that > last part. I wouldn't hurt a defenseless animal. Tom: Unless I was hungry or bored, of course. Crow (Pat): ...but if they try to bite me, they're dead. > [to himself] I don't think > that pig's really defenseless, though. There's something funny about him. I > just can't put my finger on it. Tom: What, is there a mystical force field surrounding the bandanna? > [dinner is finally finished and Pat goes outside near the fish pond. He > peeks inside and sees Ryoga's clothes, backpack, and umbrella. Crow (Pat): My God, Ryoga melted! > He goes to his room to type out his daily letter. Joel (Pat): *ahem* "Dear... Ann... Landers...." > Meanwhile, P-chan manages to jump into a tub of hot water. Tom: Oh! And a bad landing gives him a 3.0 from the Russian judge! > Ryoga emerges and heads towards the pond to retrieve his clothes.] Joel (Neighbour): Ho hum, let's take a look... Young nude guy wandering around the yard, huge backpack sitting in the koi pond, sounds of mass destruction from the dojo... Yup, just another normal day in the neighbourhood. > Pat: [voice over] Well, brother, I've actually survived that duel with Kuno. Joel (Pat): ...and I'm having a real fun time in the hospital recovering from my many injuries. Tom: Don't we wish... > To be honest, though, I didn't really fight. A friend of mine managed to > talk that guy out of skewering me. Crow (Pat): Yeah, I don't really go in for Turkish cuisine. > I can't go into the specifics, though. You > wouldn't believe me if I told you. I found out today that Akane has a pet > pig, P-chan. Suffice it to say, I didn't get along with him, and neither > does Ranma, for some unknown reason. Joel: What, you mean He *hasn't* figured it out yet? How the heck did He manage to pass the Author Avatar exam then? > Speaking of Ranma, this guy, Ryoga, came around the house just to... Crow: ...try and kill him. Joel: .... You okay, Crow? That comment was neither sarcastic nor dirty. Crow: Yeah; I'm tryin' to go for shock value. > [various fighting noises are heard outside. Pat > goes outside to see Ranma and Ryoga going at it. He ducks inside... Crow: There's probably a Mousse joke here, but I'm not sure where... > ... just as Ryoga is hurled right through the door into the wall.] Tom: And so, Ryoga Hibiki went off to fight his single greatest foe. It was Ryoga vs. a wall, one-on-one, mano-a-mano, and... Crow: ...and the wall lost. > Ranma: Let's see you try that again! [jumps towards Ryoga, who dodges] > Ryoga: [waving his umbrella] Eat this, you... Joel (Ranma): Only if it's made of chocolate! > [Pat goes between them, trying to separate the two. He's thrown back by > their collision into the wall. Crow: So now they're *both* going after the wall, two-on-one? They are not men! THEY ARE NOT MEN! > Shaking his head, he re-enters the fray in order to > try again. As Ryoga jabs his umbrella, Pat grabs it and throws it outside. > Ranma barely manages to swerve around Pat.] > Pat: All right guys, CUT IT OUT!!!!! Tom: "It" hopefully being two-thirds of this fanfic. > Now, either take it outside [a rumble > is heard outside, and then it starts to rain.] or at least wait two minutes > until I finish this letter to my family! [the two reluctantly sit down > facing Pat while the latter reseats himself at his laptop.] Joel: So... He's ungodly powerful, a inhumanly strong, a great martial artist, has beaten Kuno, stopped arguments between Ranma and Ryoga and between Akane and Ranma... How realistic. Crow: He probably knows how they get the caramel into the Caramilk bars. > Ryoga: [pissed off] WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHEN AND WHEN NOT TO > FIGHT?! All (Pat): GOD! Crow (Pat): Got a problem with that, Mortal? > [goes after Pat with one of his ki-reinforced punches.] > Ranma: Pat, look out...[a SMACK! is heard as Pat blocks Ryoga's punch with > his palm. Joel: He seems to be stealing from the Principal too... > Pat continues to type with his other hand.] Tom: Not only is he perfect, he's ambidextrous. > Ryoga: [flabbergasted] How the...you're not supposed to be, I mean...[trails > off] Crow: ...and says "Oh, screw it," and mauls Pat with his other fist. > Pat: [in an offhand manner] Ryoga, what'd you do? My hand feels a little > warm. Joel: CROW! Crow: *whispers to Tom* Tom (Ryoga): *ahem* It must be your burning love for me. Joel: Damn, didn't work. > Oh, well, it couldn't be anything important. All: OH YES, IT COULD!! > [voice over] ...try to > kill Ranma over some stupid misunderstanding. If there's one thing I'm glad > of, it's that I don't live here, at least not on a permanent basis. It would > drive me nuts! Crow: ...and we all know there's nothing worse than an angry, vengeful god. Tom (Pat): And we *also* all know that Pat's an expert on being nuts! > That's about it for today, bro. "See" you tomorrow. Pat. Joel: ...labor? > [to Ryoga and Ranma] Okay, now you can resume fighting. Tom (Pat): Please try not to damage the computer. Or the ming vase and priceless paintings. > One other thing: [glares at Ryoga] DON'T BITE ME AGAIN, P-CHAN. Crow: Well, finally! Took Him a while, didn't it? Joel: He must have gotten only around fifty two percent on that Otaku God-Boy exam. > Ryoga: Who's... ALL: ...ON FIRST! > Pat: You are. ALL: ...ON SECOND! Crow: And *you* (points at Pat) are... AN IDIOT! > [Ryoga glares at Ranma] No, he didn't tell me anything. I > just happen to be very observant. You know, you shouldn't leave your clothes > in the pond. Joel (Pat): Yeah, you should make sure to drag away that backpack--the one that's five times your weight as a pig--with your teeth. > Now, would you care to tell me why you turn into a pig? Crow (Ryoga): Well, it's a weird story involving a thimble, three pieces of golden thread and a really ugly princess that I just didn't feel like rescuing... > Ryoga: I don't have to tell you anything! > Pat: Fine. I just thought that you might want to talk about it, get it out > of your system. Crow: Yeah, feel free to puke. > [Ryoga starts to walk away] Then again, maybe not. By the > way, I just hope Akane will take this as well as I have. > Ryoga: [turns around] You wouldn't! That's blackmail! Joel (Pat): Hey! I'm as Oriental as you are! Crow: Just with western eyes. > Ranma: Even I didn't consider doing that! Joel (Ranma): Except maybe those two or three times a day when you really irritate me. > Pat: [crosses his arms] Calm down, you two. I wouldn't do anything like > that. I'm not Nabiki, you know. Tom (Pat): Nope, I'm even worse! You'll *never* get rid of the debt you now owe me! > I'll keep quiet about this, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Crow: Hey! Ands off my buts! > Ryoga: [barely audible] ...Thanks. Joel: Ryogas naturally produce a frequency so low that only bats and certain dogs can hear it. And Otaku Godboys. > Pat: You're welcome. Crow: Now go away. > [Ryoga then walks out into the rain, and P-chan comes back in. P-chan then > goes towards Akane's room.] > Pat: [to Ranma] So, why does he keep turning into a pig... Crow: Biology! > ...when he gets wet? I suppose that he fell into another magical pool like > you, but that doesn't explain why he hates you so much. Joel (Ranma): No, but the billion dollar diamond necklace I stole from him and sold for bread might. > Ranma: [embarassed] Well, I kind of accidentally knocked him off a cliff > into a pool while chasing after my dad. > Pat: Uh huh. Well, that might be a major factor. All: NO, REALLY?!? > [suddenly, squeals are heard in the house. Tom: It's the police! RUN!! > Pat and Ranma rush to investigate. > They find Akane barely holding on to P-chan as he's squirming out of her > grasp.] > Pat: Okay, what's going on? Crow (Akane): Well, I was just gonna put P-chan into the oven for a few minutes... I've no idea why he didn't like the idea... > Akane: [struggling] Well,(oof!) P-chan just came in from the rain and, since > I was going to be taking a bath anyways (hey, hold still!) I thought that I > might take him in with me and warm him up (whoa!). Crow: You know, that paragraph would almost make one feel that Akane loves P chan... Joel: Crow... > Pat: [thinking] Akane, are you going to be taking a really hot bath? > Akane: Huh? What does that have to do with it? (P-chan!) > Pat: Well, pigs don't have any sweat glands, right? That's why they roll > around in the mud, to cool themselves off. If they didn't, one of two very > nasty things could happen. They could either (1) die of heat prostration or > (2) implode. That's why P-chan is so reluctant to join you in the tub. Joel: He must be a very clever pig to know all that pseudo-scientific gobbledygook. Crow: Yeah... I mean, "prostration"... what the heck does that mean?? Tom: either that the heat prostitutes itself to the pig or that it kowtows to him. I think. > Akane: Really? What do you suggest, then? Tom: Buy a hamster! > [by this time, P-chan has calmed down considerably.] > Pat: Well, I think you should just wrap him up in a towel and keep him warm. > Gradual changes in temperature are better for his health. Crow (Pat): ...and the reason I know that is because I have a highly advanced degree in pig biology. I'm not really your age, you see. I'm actually an extremely intelligent being from the dawn of time itself. Joel: ...and evil! Pure EVIL!! > [Ranma has this "oh, brother" look on his face. Pat pretends not to notice.] > Akane: [hands P-chan to Pat and runs off to get a towel] Thanks Pat! Tom: I get the sad feeling we'll be hearing those words a lot... > [P-chan has this somewhat embarassed look on this face.] Joel: The look is as embarrassed as everyone else about being in this fanfic. Tom: "This" face? Which face? I wasn't aware Ryoga had more than one of 'em. > Pat: [looking directly into the pig's eyes and emphasizing each word] Crow: You WILL obey me! I AM your MASTER!! > You owe me big time, buddy. > Ranma: So, was all that stuff you said about pigs true? Would they really > die of heat prostration without mud? Joel (Ranma): ...and what the heck is a "prostration" anyway? I'm only a martial artist you know, I don't understand all these big words... > Pat: [looks around to check if Akane's nearby] Actually, yeah. But, I think > the more immediate problem, Ranma, is that of Akane dousing this guy [gently > pokes P-chan] with hot water and having a naked Ryoga with her in the bath. Crow (Ranma): Yeah, she might even dump me for him if that happens! > [to P-chan] I don't think Akane will think of taking a bath with you, again. Tom (Pat): Until this fanfic vanishes forever and I cease to exist along with it. Crow: Careful, if you keep talking like that there may be a sequel... > [Akane returns with a towel and wraps P-chan like a mummy in it.] > Akane: There you go! Are you comfortable? [P-chan merely snorts.] You're > welcome. Joel (Apu): Thank you, come again! > [Cut to a little later. Pat is standing outside of Nabiki's room, > considering something. Tom (Pat): Aaargh! Should I knock on the door or shouldn't I? I can't decide! > He looks like he's decided and knocks on the door.] > Nabiki: [talking on the phone] All right, nobody will find out about it if > you just keep quiet, got it? Crow (Nabiki): And pay me a considerable monthly tithe! > [Pat knocks again.] Gotta go, so meet me at lunch. [hangs up] Who is it? Joel: Steven Spielberg! > Pat: It's me, Pat. > Nabiki: What do *you* want? Tom: Money! Joel: Power! Crow: Hot, Passionate s...! Joel: CROW! > Pat: May I come in? I think that we need to talk about a few things. > [Nabiki lets him inside. Pat sits on a chair near her bed.] > Pat: [sighs] Nabiki, I've been thinking some things over and I'd like to ask > you a something. Crow: A Something: The Norwegian word for a question. > Nabiki: What? All: "NABIKI, I'VE BEEN THINKING SOME THINGS OVER AND I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A SOMETHING!" Crow: Whatever *that* is. > Pat: What's the *real* reason why you had me traipsing over to Tokyo? Tom: Well, I heard you were really, really rich and needed some way to blackmail you. > Nabiki: I think you know why. It's the 30,000 yen a week room and board. > Pat: I don't think that's the real reason. 30,000 yen only comes up to about > $200 a week. You don't seem *that* desperate for money, what with the school > and all. > Nabiki: Well, then, what's the *real* reason why I wanted you to come here? Crow: I told you! Hot, passionate s...! Joel: I told you, Crow... shaddup! > Pat: I think that you wanted someone to talk to. All: YEAH, RIGHT! > Nabiki: You think that I want to talk to *you*? All: NOPE! > Pat: Well, laugh if you want, but I think that that's the reason. [digs a > couple of letters out of his pocket and waves them a couple of inches from > her face] Remember these? A person once said that it was almost impossible > not to put a little bit of yourself in your writing. You wrote that you were > a little resentful of your mother for dying. You also seemed a little > lonely, as if you had no one to really talk to. Am I right? Joel (Nabiki): Sorry, what'd you say? I fell asleep. > Nabiki: [thinks] Damn. That's what I get for writing to an overly observant > goody two shoes. [to Pat] Well then, Sigmund Freud, what's the reason why > I'm so money-grubbing? Joel: Your parents abused you when you were a child! Tom: You were an insect in another life! Crow: You had an Oedipus complex and this is how you express it! Joel: CROW! Crow: Hey, come on! That's *exactly* what Freud would have said! Tom: He has a point, Joel. > Pat: Well, I think that money is kind of like an anchor to you. It's stable, > never changes, never disappoints you, and it also never dies on you. [Nabiki > shifts uncomfortably] You seem to think that, judging by your letters, if > you could accumulate enough money, you wouldn't have to depend on anybody > but yourself. Therefore, no one could ever disappoint you again, like your > mother. Crow: ...Confucius say. Tom: I think he just made Yoda roll over in his grave. Joel: Pat... the walking, talking fortune cookie. > Nabiki: [thinks] I hate it when people are right. Crow: ..and with Near-Perfect Otakus it happens *so* often. > [to Pat] When I wrote you > those letters, I was looking for someone to talk to. So, what are you going > to do now? Brag it over the intercom that I'm insecure? Tom (Pat): Exactly... How d'you guess? > Pat: I didn't come into your room to blackmail you. Joel (Pat): Yeah, that's *your* job! > I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it with me. > Nabiki: What makes you think that I'm going to just open up to you [snaps > her fingers] just like that? Tom (Pat): It's in the script. See, right here, page 28, line 5. > Pat: Because I know you. Crow: ...and I *want* you! > Nabiki: [shaking her head] I hate a guy who's always right. Crow: Now you know how *we* feel reading this trash! > [they start talking about almost everything. Soon, they're laughing like old > friends.] > Nabiki: Are you kidding? Joel (Pat): No, I really *was* eaten and then regurgitated by an overgrown ladybug. Crow (Pat): Wanna see my scars? > Pat: No, that's what my brother really did. Joel (Pat): Yeah, it was the weirdest thing. He just took a gun, said "I don't want to live with this freak for a brother" and blew his head off. Bots (deadpan): Sniff. Boo-hoo. Crow: Pity he didn't shoot Pat while he was busy. > Nabiki: [settles down] By the way, you never told me that you knew kempo. > Pat: I don't, at least not really. It's a form of street fighting which is > kind of like a mix and match of various martial arts. My brother taught it > to me. Crow: Yeah! It's all my brother's fault! > Nabiki: Well, since you never mentioned it in your letters, I thought you'd > be dead meat when Kuno came around. Tom (Pat): Oh please! What type of self-insertion character would I be if I couldn't thrash Kuno within an inch of his life? > Pat: Well, I can handle myself. [looks at her clock] Jeez, look at the > time! Joel (Pat): Oh my, I've got to go and start creeping around at night and killing people! > Listen, I've gotta get to bed. G'night. [leaves] Tom: Through the window. Head first. > Nabiki: Hmph. I never thought that I'd actually like someone that honest. Crow: He's an Otaku Character! You can't help but like Him, it's the law! > Pat: [calling out over his shoulder] I heard that! > [the next day, Ranma, Akane and Pat are walking to school. They meet Ukyo in > front of the gates.] Crow: What, were they locked out? > Ukyo: Ran-chan! > Ranma: Ucc-chan! Crow: TETSUO!!! Tom: KANEDA!!! Crow (falsetto): TAMAHOME! Tom: MIAKA! > Hi! All: Bye! > [Pat has this silly grin plastered on his face. Crow (Pat): Heh heh... I can see the colours... > He mouths out "Ran-chan?" > and tries to keep from laughing. He doesn't succeed very well.] > Pat: Ran-chan? How did you get a nickname like that? Tom (Ranma): Oh, I bought it at a special discount at Nicknames-R-Us. You want one? Joel: I think they still had a few copies of "Monkey Boy" left... > [Ukyo flattens him from behind with her giant spatula.] Crow: FOUL! You're not allowed to attack Self-Insertion characters from behind, wench! Tom: Careful, you don't want Zen trying to kill you... > Ukyo: It's a term of affection, jerk! > Pat: [who's sprawled over the grass] Tom: Hovering in midair. > Oog. Joel: He seems to have regressed to the personality of a caveman. Crow: It's an improvement. > [shakes his head.] Great, now I know what a fly feels like. Tom (Ukyo): I dunno... Maybe if I flatten you again you'll *really* have some insight! > Akane: Pat, please, don't do what I think you're going to do. Crow (Pat): Damn it, you never let me have any fun! > Pat: [flails his arms and legs around and cries out in a high-pitched voice] > Help me! Help me! All (Pat): HURT ME! HURT ME! > Ranma: You just couldn't resist, could you Pat? Tom (Vito Corleone): I made him an offer he couldn't resist. > Pat: [gets up chuckling] Nope. Joel: Okay, okay, time out! What the heck was that supposed to be? The author didn't think that was *funny*, did he? > Ukyo: Who's the weirdo? Tom: Not even Weird Al could make this travesty funny... > Ranma: He's staying with us for a couple of days. Pat, this is Ukyo, Ukyo, > Pat. Joel (Pat): Ukyo-Ukyo-Pat? What sort of name's that? > Pat: Charmed. So, do you usually squish people with spatulas, or am I the > only one to receive that honor? Tom: Pity no one's honoured Him with a bazooka... > Ukyo: Only idiots who make fools of themselves. Crow (Ukyo): So why don't you stand still for a second...? > Since you know Ran-chan, however, I won't do that again. All: OH, COME ON! PLEEEASE!! > Pat: Ah, touche. [grins at Ukyo, who lightens up a little.] Joel (Ukyo): Oh, He knows French. He *must* be a good guy! > Ranma, you still haven't told me about your "pet name." Tom (Ranma): My pet's name is Binky. I found him swimming outside a Nuclear Power Plant one day. Crow: Is that why he was fluorescent green with three eyes? > Ranma: [somewhat uncomfortable] It's from when Ucc-chan and I were a lot > younger. Crow (Ranma): Yes, back in the old days, when we had to go fifty miles uphill in the snow to get to school and got to borrow the family shoes once a week. Tom (Ranma): You wouldn't *believe* how many classes I've failed... > [whispers] Of course, I didn't know she was a girl back then. > Pat: You didn't--? Boy, you *must* have been young! Joel: Not to mention *stupid*. Tom: Very stupid. Crow: Very, very stupid. > Ukyo: Well anyway, the principal is on the haircut rampage again. I just > thought that I'd let you know. [goes inside the gates.] Crow: The Pearly Gates? Joel: Unfortunately, no. > [Akane has been glaring at Ukyo the entire conversation. Crow (Akane): How *dare* she not try to seduce Ranma! > Pat notices and waves his hand in front of her face.] Tom: Come on, Akane, *bite it off*! > Pat: Hello, anybody home? Joel (Akane): Nope, nobody here but us tomboys. > Akane: [gives him a warning look] What? All: HE SAID: "LOOK BEHIND YOU! A THREE HEADED MONKEY!" > Pat: You know, if you keep making that face, someday it's going to stick. > [Akane lightens somewhat.] > Kiddo, you need to relax, lighten up. Joel (Pat): It's just a show; you should really just relax. Tom (Pat): Here's a match, here's some gasoline... > You're so serious all the time. [there's a loud noise from inside the gates] > What the heck--? Joel: Maybe the school blew up. Crow: Maybe the author's computer did. > [The principal is cruising on a skateboard, Hawaiian shirt, clippers, and > all. Joel: *sings* Teenage Mutant Ninja Kunos... Tom: Now there's a scary thought... > The threesome scatter in their respective directions.] > Pat: [who's hit the dirt again] Let me guess, the principal? Tom (Ranma): No, it's Jay Leno; he's trying to force us to audition for the Tonight Show. > Ranma: [sarcastically] What was your first clue? Joel (Pat): What, you mean it *is* the principal? I was just being sarcastic, I thought it was only an extra! > Principal: [laughs maniacally] Now, I'll finally get that ponytail of yours, > Saotome! Tom (Principal): Yeah, my hair seems to be thinning on top. > [swings around for another approach. Ranma, as usual, knocks him > off the skateboard.] OOF! Just for that, you'll also have to spend a month > cleaning toilets! Crow (Principal): ...with your ponytail! > [Pat reaches into his backpack for something, then runs over to the > Principal.] Crow: Too bad he didn't run *over* the Principal. Maybe if he got expelled the fic would be over. Joel: Naaah, then he'd just get teleported to Mega-Tokyo or something... > Pat: [helps the Principal up] Listen, sir, could you kind of overlook this > incident? Ranma's been having a really bad day. Besides, what can one > ponytail hurt? Crow: Depends what you do with it... Joel: Crow... Don't start. > There's always tomorrow, you know. Tom: *sings* Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow! You're always a daaay awaaaaaaay! > [Ranma looks rather confused right now. Joel: What, more than usual? > Pat surreptitiously flickers his eyebrows at Ranma.] Crow (Pat): Remember, we've got a date after school, so don't be late! > Principal: Well, I guess you're right. Joel: Yeah, right. He just turns around and leaves... Crow: Pat's Nigh God-like aura must have confused him. > [turns to Ranma] I'll be back for you later, Saotome. All (Terminator): AAAAH'LL BE BAWWWWWWCK! > [Pat puts something on the Principal's back. As he skates away, we see a > sign that says, "KICK ME, I MAKE STUPID RULES." Everyone tries to control > their laughter.] Crow: What, is the fanfic so bad they're starting to become hysterical? > [later, at lunchtime, the threesome are at the cafeteria.] Crow: (giggles) > Pat: Guys, I'm going to take a look around town and see if there are any > good Chinese restaurants around. Any recommendations? Joel: Oh, look, a Convenientus Plotdevicicus Domesticus. > Ranma: Well, there's always the Nekohan-hmmf! Tom (Pat): The Nekohanhumpff? I wanted Chinese, not German! > [Akane has just slapped her hand around Ranma's mouth. Tom: Saaaay... Joel: No, don't. > Ranma pulls her hand off his mouth.] Crow (Ranma): You know, as much as I love women touching me... Joel: Crow... > Akane: Don't you dare go there! You know how much that Shampoo bugs me! Crow (Akane): Yeah, it leaves my hair all dry and lifeless. > Pat: Shampoo? Wait a minute, is she the one that turns into a... > Ranma: Don't say that word! I hate cats! Tom (Ranma): Yeah, you're not allowed to say the word "cat", only *I* am! > Pat: Ookay. I was about to say Felis domesticus Joel: Yeah, people talk like that *all* the time... > but let's not get too fancy here. Tom (Pat): Yeah, Ranma, that frilly brassiere is going to far... I mean, at least wait until you're a girl! > What's wrong with that particular restaurant? Crow (Akane): What, you mean besides the fact that they put rats and rusty nails in the soup? > Akane: It's not really the restaurant itself, it's the hostess. Tom (Akane): Yeah, she keeps looking at me funny... Crow (Akane): Y'know, winking and blowing me kisses... Joel: Guys... > Pat: Ah hah. Would you like to elaborate on that? > Akane: No. All: *cluck* *cluck* *cluck* CHICKEN! > Pat: Well, all I want to do is to go in, get some carry out... Crow (Pat): ...and kill something! > and then get > out. You two can just lead me there and then I'll go in solo, if that place > bothers you so much. Joel (Pat): Yeah, I don't care about the smell... I lost my nose in the 'Nam! > Ranma: [to Akane] Hmm, what do you think? > Akane: It's worth a try. Tom (Akane): ...but if it doesn't work I kill you. > [They go down to the Nekohanten. As per the plan, Pat goes in alone.] > Shampoo: Nihao! Crow (Shampoo): Yeah, that's a good idea... I'll talk to the customers in Chinese... that'll be sure to help business! > Pat: [his ears perk up at Shampoo's Cantonese] Cantonese?> Tom (Shampoo): No, I speak Venusian. They're surprisingly similar... > Shampoo: Joel (Pat): Lay down! Play dead! Good girl. > Pat: [hands her a slip of paper with their orders] three of these to go.> > Shampoo: Joel (Pat): No, I'm just reaaal hungry. > Pat: [in Japanese] I just hope that Ranma > and Akane aren't kept waiting too long. Crow (Pat): Yep, I'm sure that she doesn't know a word of Japanese, seeing as she lives here and all... > Shampoo: Tom (Pat): No, I said that there's a big, ugly tarantula on your shoulder. > Pat: > Shampoo: Crow (Shampoo): Yeah, you idiot, Mousse's the blind one! > [Just then, Mousse comes blundering out of the kitchen. He's balancing > several dishes precariously when he spots who he thinks to be Shampoo and > lunges for her, dropping his dishes. Tom (Customer): Hey, that's my ramen! I want a refund! > Unfortunately, he's just gone for Pat.] > Mousse: [hugs Pat] Joel (Mousse): Say... when d'you fall into the nannichuan, Shampoo? > Pat: Geez, I knew you guys were into customer service, but not like this! Joel: CROW! Crow: Hey! Gimme a chance, at least, will you!? > [tries, in vain, to shove Mousse away.] I'm not Shampoo, she's over ...huh?> [Shampoo has disappeared from the > scene] Joel: It's ten o'clock... do you know where your Shampoos are? > Boy, she does a better vanishing act than Houdini. [Mousse lets go] > Mousse: Joel (Pat): Sure I am... don't you recognize me? > Pat: or something? Crow: Yeah, and apparently he can't feel tactile sensations either... > Let me see your glasses.> Tom (Pat): Yeah, and try and do a break dance on that section of the floor with all the marbles, ball bearings and broken glass while I've got them... > [Mousse reluctantly hands them over, squinting. Pat looks through the lenses > from a distance. Crow (Pat): Let's see, I'll put them on the end of this ten foot pole here... that oughta just about correct for my 20/20 vision... > Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane enter, hearing the racket.] Tom: If you slug an otaku on the back of His head and He bounces twice, is that an ace? > Pat: Yow! [to himself] It's a wonder this guy's not carrying a cane! Joel (Pat): Yeah, I knew that optometry degree would come in useful! > [hands the glasses to Mousse, who nearly pokes his eyes out putting them > back on.] > Mousse: [takes a knife from his sleeve] Joel: His other three thousand weapons being in the wash... > Pat: Crow (Pat): Yeah, I'm due for another fight with Kuno at three. > [Pat grabs Mousse's nose *hard*] Tom: Nose Hard, Nose Harder, Nose Hard with an Eyebrow. Buy all three for only $29.99! > Mousse: [drops his knife] YOW! > Pat: Crow (Mousse): No, I like it when you hold me... > Mousse: All: SAY PLEASE! > Pat: > [Pat smacks the hand holding Mousse's nose (yech!) away to the side.] Joel: So, is "yech" German for "nose"? > Mousse: YEOWTCH! Crow (Mousse): Hey, that's my nose, not a mosquito! > [Pat then knees Mousse in the gut, followed by an open-handed punch Tom: Which He found in the same aisle as military intelligence and congressional ethics... > to the nose, and then finishes up with a spin kick. Mousse falls down.] All: I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! > Pat: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. Joel: Hey, you can only imitate the Three Stooges if you poke him in the eyes first! > [jokingly, to Ranma and Akane] Well, are you > going to help me get our order or are you just going to stare at this guy on > the floor? Crow: How about option C, kill you and sell your clothes to the Salvation Army? > Shampoo: [holding a stopwatch] How about going against me sometime?> > Akane: What did she say? Tom (Pat): She said "Akane has no breasts." > Pat: She wants me to try to fight her. [looks at Ranma and Akane, who are > wildly shaking their heads no] Joel: You know, last time I checked, the other type of head-shaking, the kind you do to indicate a yes, was called nodding. > food?> Crow (Shampoo): A lifetime of hard labour in Siberia. > Shampoo: [Pat pays her.] By the way, what's your name?> Tom (Pat): Irwin Biddle McFee, you got a problem with that? > Pat: > Shampoo: Joel (Pat): Yeah, right! Next you'll tell me the sky is blue! > [gives him one of those "come hither" looks] Crow (Shampoo): Come here, *slave*! I command you to please me! > Pat: [backing off somewhat] > [Ranma, Akane and Pat leave the Nekohanten.] Joel (Shampoo): Hey, watch out for the banana... *thfft* *CRASH* Never mind. > Akane: What were you doing, picking a fight with Mousse? He's dangerous! Tom (Akane): Yeah, especially for guys who are stronger than Ryoga and can beat Kuno in three seconds flat! > Pat: Akane, I didn't pick a fight with him. The guy just burst out of the > kitchen and hugged me, calling me Shampoo. > Ranma: [raises one eyebrow] That sounds about right. Mousse was always > blind as a bat. > Akane: Well still, I thought it was a mistake to go to that...WACHOO! Joel: Don't tell me this is a Tenchi crossover... > Pat: You okay? > Akane: [sniffs] I'm fine. There must be a draft or something. Crow: Yeah, but this fic being a draft still doesn't excuse it... > [cut to later, after school. Akane's "draft" has turned into a full-blown > doozy of a cold. Tom: ...a cold beer? > Ranma, Kasumi and Pat are in her room.] Crow: Having an orgy? > Pat: So, did this thing start off with a sore throat? Tom: What, she got a cold because she was shouting at Ranma too often? > Akane: [coughs rather violently] Yes. Then I started to sneeze. Joel (Akane): Okay, Ranma, what have you been saying about me? Crow (Ranma): Nothing, I'm innocent! I swear someone else has been spreading those rumours about you and Kuno! > [Kasumi takes her temperature, then frowns at the result.] Crow (Kasumi): Oh, wait, I'm reading it upside down! > Kasumi: I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in bed for at least tonight > and tomorrow. You've got a 101 degree fever. Joel: Celsius or Kelvin? > Ranma: Sounds about right for a hot-tempered girl. Tom: Aggh! Crow, that's worse than your jokes! > [Akane lunges for Ranma, only to have a sneezing fit.] Crow: Oh, it's probably Kuno making Shakespeare roll over in his grave again. > Pat: Ranma! You're not helping much. Tom (Pat): Next time I'm hiring a *real* butler! > Kasumi, could I talk to you outside for a minute? > Kasumi: Sure. > [They go outside Akane's room.] Joel: ...where absolutely everyone who isn't as deaf as Mousse is blind will be able to hear them just fine. > Pat: Kasumi, I've had this nasty little bug before, about a week before I > came here. Crow (Pat): Yeah, I think she put me off babysitting for life. Tom: Sounds like a Chibi... > She'll be miserable for about three days, but otherwise she'll be fine. Joel (Pat): Until she starts bleeding from the eyes at least... Tom (Kasumi): Okay, your minute's up. Now get out! > Kasumi: I see. Is there any particular medicine or food she needs? Crow (Pat): Well, anything laced with arsenic ought to do... > Pat: Well, just give her something to keep her fever down and lots of > fluids. It sounds generic, I know, but it works. [gets an idea] In fact, I > think I'll make some wonton soup for her. Tom (Pat): So, you have any chilled monkey brains and boiled lizard eyes in the house or should I go buy some? > Kasumi: [confused] Wonton soup? Won't that upset her stomach? > Pat: [smiles] Not the way I make it. Joel (Pat): Yeah, the brand of poison I use is really fast acting. > [inside Akane's room, at about the same time.] > Ranma: [hesitantly] So, you're not going to be in school tomorrow, huh? Crow (Akane): Actually, I was sort of planning to go and infect everyone, why? > Akane: [sniffs] Not unless you've got some kind of miracle cure on you. > Why, are you actually worried about me? Tom (Ranma): No, I was just checking if it's safe to have a date with Ucchan tomorrow. > Ranma: [awkard] Who, me? Nah. [pauses] Yeah, I guess I am. > Akane: It's all right. All: AAAAAW... Crow: Ahem, paging Distraction, come in, Distraction! > [Pat enters with his walkman and a couple of tapes.] Crow: Thanks for answering so promptly. > Pat: Well, since you're going to be in bed for a while, I kinda figured you > might want to listen to something. [puts the tapes and walkman on her bed] > Akane: [reads out the titles] The Little Mermaid? Beauty and the Beast? > The Best of Billy Joel? Joel (Akane): The Best of Lin Minmei? Crow (Akane): The Best of Nikolai Volkoff? > Pat: [blushing] Uh, yeah, I listen to those to help me relax. Crow: Sorta like weed, huh? > [whispers to > Ranma] Hey, why are you still here? Akane's very contagious right now. > Ranma: [Whispers back] Then why are you still hanging around here? Tom (Pat): Hey, I asked you first! > Pat: Um, because I've had this disease before. Joel (Ranma): Oh, so you also think that Akane's a disease, huh? > Akane: All right, Pat, what am I in for? Tom (Pat): Murder in the first. > Pat: Honestly? Crow (Akane): No, actually I'd prefer it if you were to lie to me. > Akane: Yes, honestly. > Pat: [takes a deep breath] These days are, without a doubt, going to be the > worst three days of your life. Joel (Pat): ...until you get married, anyway. > Akane: [sinks into her pillow] Oh, great. Crow (Akane): Oh, woe be me! Tom (Akane): This is the fanfic of my discontent... > Pat: Akane, I thought that I was really clear of that bug when I came over > here. [hangs his head] I'm sorry. > Akane: Well, it's not like you did this on purpose. Tom (Pat): Sure I did! What did you think I was doing with that voodoo doll? > [sighs] Well, at least I have some time off from dealing with Kuno. Joel: Dealing what, drugs? > Pat: Listen, I'll be back in about an hour with a surprise. Joel: A million dollars? Tom: Marissa Picard's head on a stake? Crow: Maybe a heart attack? > [An hour later, Pat enters the room with a large soup bowl on a tray. Akane > is listening to one of his tapes in his walkman.] Tom: ...and slowly but surely going crazy. > Pat: Here you go, kiddo! [Akane takes off the headphones] Crow (Akane): Oh, damn, my ear got stuck in it again! > Akane: [sniffs the soup before barely turning her head to sneeze] Wachoo! Joel: Not even the greatest genius scientist in the Universe could cure this fanfic... > What is it? (sniff) > Pat: Wonton soup, made my own special way. Crow (Pat): With just a hint of strychnine and a dash of potassium cyanide. Enjoy! > Akane: I wish I could smell it. > Pat: Well, this bug won't kill your taste buds like it has your sinuses. Joel: So either Akane's not human or it's one strange virus... > Come on, try it out. Tom: And so, peer pressure sent Akane Tendo into an ever-tightening spiral of addiction... > Akane: I don't know. I'm not sure my stomach can handle it. Crow (Pat): Oh, come on, wouldn't you have realized if you'd made it? > Pat: Ah, come on. [jokingly] What are you trying to do, hurt your "big > brother's" feelings? Tom: Big Brother is Watching You. Joel: What, He's already been adopted after something like two days? > Akane: All right, since you put it that way. [tries a dumpling] Hey! This > is actually pretty good! Tom (Akane): ...but why is it moving? > I just wish my cooking turned out this good. Tom: Oh it's *very* in character for Akane to admit that her cooking sucks... When d'you think she'll declare her undying love for Kuno? > Pat: Well, I'm pretty sure that you just need more practice. Tom: What, He can already say this without ever having seen Akane cook? Crow: Plot Hole, noun: A useful device that relieves a writer of the difficult task of having to write coherently. > [a loud crash is heard outside. Pat and Akane look out the window to see > Ranma and Ryoga going at it again. Joel: Reba, call the copsh! The neighboursh're goin' funny again! > He sighs and heads for the door.] I'll be back in a > little while, after I break up the fight between those two chowderheads. Crow: It's Chowderhead versus Canoehead in the match of the century! > You just eat up and relax. Tom (Pat): And if you hear any loud noises or cries of pain, just ignore them. > Akane: Do I have much of a choice? > Pat: Not really. Joel (Pat): You *must* pay your taxes! > [Pat runs outside the house. He tries, in vain, to separate the two > combatants.] Tom: ...and they just sort of look at each other, look at Him, look at each other again and then beat the hell out of Him. > Pat: ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!!! WHOUF! Joel: Oh look, he turned into a dog! Come on, boy, play dead! Okay, now forget the "play" part... > [Pat catches an umbrella jab > meant for Ranma and is knocked down to the ground. He recovers quickly, and > looks really ticked off.] Crow (Pat): That's it, now I'm mad! > Okay, THAT DOES IT! Crow: Called it. > NUKE ATTACK! Tom: What, is He gonna fart? > [a tremendous amount of lightning-like ki energy seems to surround Pat. > Ranma and Ryoga look at Pat, shocked. Joel: I'm sure there's a really bad joke waiting here, but I *think* I'll let you guys make it. Tom: All I know is that someone oughta be sent to the Chair for this. > They both have this "uh-oh" look on their face. > Whereas Ryoga's power seems to be that of an aura Joel: And what type of power does an aura possess, anyhow? Crow: Who knows what power lurks in the hearts of Auras? I sure don't. > Pat's energy is like a violent thunderstorm, begging to be released. Tom (Energy): C'mon, let me out! I need to go! > The energy buildup continues > until it erupts in a mushroom-cloud like column of light. Joel (Pat): I knew I shouldn't have eaten those refried beans... > Ranma and Ryoga > are caught like flies in a tornado and are flung against the wall of the > dojo. Crow: The wall sues Pat for assault and battery. > The discharge fades, leaving Pat in the center of a 50-foot diameter > crater in the yard... Crow: ...and leaving the dojo somewhere in orbit around Jupiter. > ...exhausted.] Whew! That was one of my better nuke attacks. Tom (Pat): Yeah, I always wanted to spend two-thirds of my lifetime earnings repairing houses in Japan. > [goes over to Ranma and wakes him up] Hey, are you okay? Joel (Ranma): I think I'm fine, but the wall seems a bit cracked... > Ranma: Uunnnhh...What the heck did you hit me with? Crow (Pat): Oh, I just borrowed Akane's depleted Uranium mallet... > Pat: Well, the formal name for it is "exploding mushroom energy column > attack," Crow (Pat): But I've always called it the swamp gas bomb. > but, I figured that "nuke attack" seemed more appropriate. Besides, > who has time to say "exploding etc. etc." in the middle of a fight? Tom (Pat): Other than ninety-five percent of the characters in anime. > How do you feel? Joel (Ranma): Oh, fine! I think you just fixed that back problem I've been having! > Ranma: [gets up] I feel like I've been run over with a steamroller. > Pat: Good. Then it worked. I was trying to hold back, you know. > Ranma: You were WHAT? Crow (Pat): I was trying to kill you so I could ransom your ponytail off to the highest bidder. > Pat: Well, let me put it this way. The first time I used this, I nearly > vaporized the school gym, with everyone in it. Tom (Pat): Good thing it was Sunday, huh? > Ranma: If it was so dangerous, why'd you try it on Ryoga and me? Crow (Pat): I was hungry for some barbecued pork. You just happened to be in the way. > Pat: I figured that it'd be a sure-fire way to get your attention. Crow: Sure-FIRE? Tom: It's the Curse of the Bad Pun, starring "Pathetic" Pat Lee. > I was trying to tell you guys to cut it out because Akane needs her rest. Crow (Pat): ...and I figured that blowing up the house was the best way to not disturb her. > Ranma: Let me try to understand this. You wanted both of us to stop fighting > and be quiet, right? > Pat: That was the general idea, yes. Tom: This fic is a major disaster. Joel: And you complain about the author's puns? > Ranma: So you cause an explosion, which would probably wake the dead, to > shut us up! You also caused a 50-foot crater to appear right in their > backyard! Crow (Pat): Yep, pretty much. Something wrong that, dickweed? Tom (Ranma): Yeah, *I'm* supposed to be the destructive one around here! > Pat: Hey, it worked, didn't it? [looks at Ryoga's unconscious form] Do you > think I should wake him up? Joel (Ranma): Wait until I've gotten a chance to kick him while he's down. > Ranma: NO! He'd just start something up again. Crow (Ranma): Yes, he'd start my fires of passion burning! Joel: CROW! > Pat: Keep it down, will you? Tom (Pat): No one cares about your stupid love affairs, damn it! Crow: Humph! > [pauses] Come to think of it, I'd better let > him sleep it off. Good thing it's not going to rain today. Joel: Cue rain cloud. > [He hears a rumble in the distance and sighs] Joel: Thank you. > That figures. Come on, let's get him inside > before he starts squealing on us. > Ranma: [helps Pat drag Ryoga inside the dojo] That was a rotten joke, Pat. Crow: For once, I'm speechless with agreement... Tom: You know, it's quite rare to see a character give such an apt description of the story they're currently involved in... > [cut to much later. Joel: Such as, say, two weeks later? > Pat enters Akane's room and collects the soup bowl and tray. Tom (Pat): These'll go great with all my salt and pepper shakers! > He leaves and we see Ranma sneaking in.] Crow (Akane): Hey, what're you doing in my drawer?! > [the next day, Pat and Ranma are walking to school. Pat keeps glancing at > Ranma out of the corner of his eye. Ranma has conspicuous bags under his > eyes.] Joel (Pat): You'd better get more sleep or Akane will start mistaking you for Gosunkugi. > Pat: What's the matter, did you have insomnia last night? Tom (Ranma): No, I assure you there's nothing wrong with my feet. > Ranma: [distracted] Hmm? Oh, no, I didn't have insomnia last night. > Pat: Then how come you're so tired? Crow (Ranma): I just kept having these scary dreams... Can I sleep with you tonight? > Ranma: I...had things to take care of last night. Let's just leave it at > that. > Pat: Okay, fine with me. Crow (Pat): Don't worry, I love you just the way you are! > [two days later, before breakfast, Pat is writing on his laptop.] Joel (Pat): I sure hope this ink doesn't jam the keys... > Pat: [voice over] Dear brother (geez, that sounds so generic). Tom: Buy your Generic Brother, from Acme Inc., for only $279.99, while supplies last! > Sorry I > haven't been writing lately. My "foster little sister" accidentally caught > that nasty little bug I had some time ago, so I've been keeping an eye on > her. Crow (Pat): ...among other things... Joel: Crow... Crow: ...like the bed covers. > She seems pretty well recovered, and she's working out in the dojo as I > type this out. Joel (Pat): ...based on the longhand version I wrote beforehand. > The funny thing is, Ranma's also been worried about her, > although he'll never admit it. Tom (Pat): Of course, seeing as the Gettysburg Address always makes me collapse in gales of laughter, I'm hardly an expert on humour. > Anyways, I've been getting her homework, letting her in on the latest > "gossip," etc. Joel: Read: the author had no idea what to say here. > You know, it's unusual but, with > girls talking to other girls, it's called "gossip." With men talking to > other men, it's called "exchanging vital statistics and information." Go > figure. Crow: Now, remember that, everyone! Cause it's a major plot point and there's gonna be a quiz afterwards! > If you notice, I'm writing shortly before breakfast, Japan time. Tom (Pat): Not that I know how you'd notice or why you'd care. > I'm > going to have a workout with Akane, and if I'm right, I probably won't be in > any shape to write later. Joel (Pat): After all, if I can beat Ryoga, Ranma, Mousse and Kuno, I'm sure to have a lot of trouble with her! > By the way, I found something very interesting in > my suitcase. Tell our dear sister that I blushed incessantly after finding > those pseudo-nudie magazines, she'll get a real kick out of that. Crow: Boy, I wish my sister packed my suitcase like that... Joel: Crow, you don't have a sister... Crow: Well, if I had a sister then I would wish she packed my suitcase like that. > Fortunately, Ranma leaves my stuff alone, otherwise I'd be branded a > pervert. Gotta go. Pat. Tom (Pat): I've got to go pat this land mine I found in the backyard. Bye! > [he presses a button to send the message. After the words "MESSAGE SENT" > appear on the screen, he turns the laptop off. Crow: ...thus missing the words "No it wasn't! Gotcha!" Joel: ...and then it blew up. > Pat heads towards the dojo > where Akane is already working out. She's just finished a series of kicks.] Tom: Kicks, Kicks II: The Mandatory Sequel, Kicks III: The Latest Rip Off and Kicks IV: (Yawn). > Pat: Hi. Mind if I join you? > Akane: Sure. [takes a stance] Joel (Akane): My stance on warfare is that Barney is the root of all evil and must be abolished! > Pat: [also getting into position] Crow: Number 69? Joel: CROW! > Y'know, if you don't mind me being a > mother hen, you really shouldn't be working out so hard after being so sick. Tom (Akane): But you need to *suffer* to achieve Greatness! It's right here in the syllabus for my Heroic Characters course! > I mean, when I was recovering, I felt a little weak in the knees. Joel (Pat): Not to mention in the brain. Oh no, wait, that's normal for me... > Akane: Don't worry about me. I feel fine. Crow (Pat): Strange, that's exactly what I told my psychiatrist before I slaughtered all those people in L.A... > [throws a few punches, which Pat blocks.] Tom: With His gut, head and knee, respectively. > Pat: Hmm. Your timing was a little bit off on those punches. Joel (Pat): I'm certain that all my hundreds of fights with you put me in the perfect position to judge. > I'd hold off a bit on cutting loose. I think it's my turn. Crow: ...to be struck down by disease? Tom: Why don't you try to make it Ebola this time? > Akane: Go ahead. All (Clint Eastwood): MAKE MY DAY! > Pat: Could you kind of stand back about three feet? Crow (Pat): I think I'm about due for another Nuke Attack any time now... > Akane: Hmm? How come? > Pat: Trust me. Oh, and feel free to block if you think I'm kicking too > close. Tom (Akane): Okay. *wham* > Akane: All right. Joel (Ace Ventura): Aaaaaaall righty then! > [she moves back. Pat goes into a very complicated routine > using a few moves. Akane is impressed by the fact that, although Pat > apparently doesn't use a variety of moves, he does use what he has very > effectively. Joel: It's a very unique combination involving three hundred right hooks and two weak looking kicks. > There's also the fact that Pat's kicks and punches stop short > of Akane by a very small margin. > In spite of this, she doesn't block. Tom: The margin really *can't* be all that small, then, can it? > He finishes up.] Joel: Finishes "up"? I guess that means that He's flying through the air after Akane got bored and smashed Him. > Pat: Well, what do you think? Crow: That this fanfic bites, that the main character is a far too perfect jerk who should be suspended naked over a pit of boiling acid while venomous snakes nibble on His ankles and Chibi Usa and Oscar perform a nude mating dance in front of Him. > Ranma: [from behind] Not bad. Not bad at all. Tom (Ranma): Yeah, you're nearly as good as me. > Pat: [turns around] Didn't your dad ever tell you not to sneak up behind > people? Crow (Ranma): I think he might have mentioned it somewhere between How to Steal Food 101 and How to be an Ingrate 1300. > Ranma: No, he didn't. In fact, some of my best moves are sneaky. Joel (Ranma): like the dreaded Saotome Secret Technique, better known as the "run away and hide" technique. > Pat: [somewhat disgusted] Figures. [lightens up] Well, what's up? Tom: Oh, the sky, the sun, the clouds, Ataru.... > Ranma: Kasumi told me to tell you two that breakfast is ready. > [the three of them head inside the house] Joel: Hey, is that the Unabomber over there at the mailbox? > Pat: You know what? I think that Kasumi probably needs a day off or some- > thing. I mean, look at what she does. She takes care of the house, makes the > meals, does the laundry Crow (Pat): ...does your diapers... > and probably, although I'm not sure, keeps everyone from going crazy. Tom (Pat): ...except herself of course... you did hide all the axes and chainsaws like I asked you to, right? > What do you think? > Ranma: I never really thought about it much until a while back. Crow (Ranma): Then again, I don't think much of thinking. > Akane: Neither did I. > Pat: [concerned] Really? What happened? Tom (Akane): Well, she just started muttering "They'll all pay soon" and polishing our knives a lot... > Akane: Oneechan got injured and we learned to appreciate what she does > around here. Joel: Crow... Crow: Hey, I didn't say anything! Joel: Yeah, I know. Keep it that way. > Pat: [thinking that Kasumi ended up in the hospital] Uh huh. > [the threesome Crow: (giggles) > discuss it over breakfast. Soun is somewhat reluctant to say the least.] Tom: And probably spouting patented TendoCorp. Waterworks number one hundred twenty three. > Pat: So, what do you think? > Kasumi: I don't know. I'm really pretty busy for a night off. Crow: Yeah, I'm scheduled to record the next episode of S&M Queen Kasumi in a few days and I need to study my lines with Doctor Tofu. Joel: Crow! Crow: Hey, you got a freebie in, now it's my turn! > Pat: That's why it's called a "night off." Joel: Why, cause we loving fans get to throw you off a cliff? > Soun: Well, not to sound selfish but, who's going to cook dinner? Tom (Pat): Well, I hired this girl by the name of Minako... > Akane: I'll fix dinner. It's no trouble at all. > Ranma: It is if you're the one eating it. > Akane: Are you saying that I'm a bad cook?! All: YES! > Ranma: Let me put it this way. Good cooks don't use ammonia when preparing > fish. Crow (Akane): Hey, Kodachi said she cooks it all the time when I asked her for the recipe! > [they begin to argue again. Pat exaggerates clearing his throat.] Joel: God, He's choking! Punch Him in the back, someone! Crow: Ohhh, it didn't work... Someone bring out the chicken cannon! > Pat: AHEM! Actually, I was thinking of cooking dinner. > Everyone: YOU WHAT?! Tom (Pat): I was thinking of robbing your house and running off into the night while laughing maniacally, why? > Ranma: You never told me you could cook! Tom: You should tell your lover *everything* about you! > Pat: To use an old cliche, you never asked. Crow: To use an older cliche, this fanfic should be thrown to the hounds. > Panda: [sign] So, exactly how good are you? Crow: I'll just say that no girl who's been with me has ever had to fake orgasm. Joel: Crow! Crow: Oh, bite me. Joel: I made you, Crow, I can break you... Crow: *eep* > Pat: Just ask Akane. Crow: Yeah, just ask her how good I am in... Joel: *turns to stare at Crow* Crow: ...never mind. > Akane: [embarassed] Umm...He made some pretty good Chinese food for me when > I was sick. Tom (Akane): ...but you really didn't have to feed it to me mouth to mouth, Pat... > Ranma: [sarcastically] You cook, you do martial arts, you're a good listener > ...is there anything you don't do? All: (applaud) Tom (Pat): Nope, I'm perfect. It says so right here on my business card. Joel (Ranma): Hmmm... Irritating Dickweeds, inc., huh? > Pat: [leaning over and smirking] I don't do windows Joel: Well, at least he has good taste in Operating Systems. If nothing else. > blackmail people, kill or maim, or a bad Sean Connery imitation. Joel (Pat): ...but I *can* roll over and play dead... Tom (Pat): ...and imitate both God and Superman in one breath... Crow (Pat): ...and if Rumiko Takahashi were dead, I'd be able to make her roll over in her grave. > Ranma: .... > [cut to later, in the kitchen. Kasumi is preparing to leave for her much- > deserved night off.] Tom (Kasumi): Okay... billy club, check; shotgun, check; leather brassiere, check; stilleto heels, check... > Kasumi: ...So, if you need me, I'll be right here. [hands a phone number and > address to Pat.] Crow (Pat): Hmm, it reads "For a great time, call 1-800-555-BABE." > Pat: Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Besides, it's only for a night. Tom (Pat): We promise to not have any large group orgies while you're gone. Crow (Pat): ...we'll just stick to everyone in this room. > Akane: Besides, you do look like you need the rest, oneechan. Joel (Akane): Yeah, it must take a lot of stamina to do that type of thing so regularly. Bots: Joel...! Joel: Hey, if you can do it, I can do it. > Kasumi: Well, I'm off. [leaves] > Akane: Have fun! [waves] Joel (Akane): Thank God *she's* gone! > Pat: So, let's get started, shall we? Tom (Joe from Reservoir Dogs): Let's go to woik. > Akane: "Let's?" Do you mean I can help you in the kitchen? Joel (Pat): No, I was actually talking to the lettuce. I don't want to poison anyone, you know. > Pat: Of course. I can't do everything by myself, now can I? Crow: Actually, judging by the rest of the fic, you can. > [They both start getting various utensils, etc. Akane puts on an apron and > offers an especially cute ruffled one to Pat.] Joel (Pat): Oh, thank you, I was rather hungry... > Pat: [slightly embarrassed] Um, no thanks. Do you happen to have anything a > little less...frilly? > Akane: Pat, you're actually blushing! Tom (Akane): Tee-hee, you're so cute! Crow (Akane): I could squeeze you forever and ever... Joel: It's the new Tickle-Me Pat doll. Bots: *Gaaaaah* > Pat: Ah, it's no big deal. I'll work without one. > [They both begin cooking. Just when the two of them were about to start on a > cake, Ranma bursts in chasing P-chan, again.] Tom: ...right into the oven. > Ranma: Come back here you pig! [slides to a stop just in front of Pat, > nearly colliding with him.] Whoops! Joel (P-chan): Ow! You stepped on me! > Pat: Whoa! [measures the distance between the two of them] Cutting it a bit > close now, are we? Crow (Ranma): But I like my pork cutlets to be *real* thin! > Akane: [hugging P-chan in her usual way] Ranma, were you chasing him again? > Can't you just leave him alone for once? Joel (Ranma): Do chickens have teeth? Crow (Ranma): Is Kuno a member of Mensa? Tom (Ranma): Is Oscar normal? > Pat: Ranma, I've got a little job for you. > Ranma: [somewhat irritated] What? Joel (Pat): Bring me the head of Stephen Ratliff. > Pat: I just want you to keep an eye on P-chan for today. > Akane: Are you sure that's a good idea? Crow (Pat): Nah, I sorta figured that if they kill each other, I can get all the girls. > Pat: Trust me. Tom: Y'know, for famous last words, that's right up there with "Carrot Juice, Carrot Juice, Carrot Juice!" > Now, could you hang onto this pan while I hold onto P-chan? Joel (Pat): Okay, I'll hold him steady and you swing... > [they exchange what they're holding onto] Thanks. Now, Ranma... Tom (Pat): ...catch! > I want your word that you will in no way irritate, aggravate, or otherwise > antagonize P-chan for the rest of the day. Crow (Pat): I'd also like your word that the Red Sea will part, that this lead will turn into gold and that the government won't raise the taxes. > All I want you to do is keep an eye on him. Tom (Pat): Yeah, hang it round his neck once you've gouged it out. > And that goes for the same for you [looks at P-chan]. Got it? Joel: And Akane, of course, thinks that Him talking to a pig is perfectly normal. > Ranma: [mumbling] Right. [They both stand on the sidelines watching Akane > and Pat cook. They both give each other dirty looks, but nothing overly > antagonistic] Tom (Ranma): I swear, that Pat guy just *scares* me! > Pat: Akane, would you mind checking up on that pot of soup? Joel (Akane): Well, it seems to still be a pot... > Akane: Sure. [opens the pot and takes a look] Looks like it's boiling > right now. Crow (Akane): ...but are you sure it's supposed to be glowing green? > Pat: Okay, then turn down the heat. In the meantime, while you're at it, > would you mind starting up on the cake? Joel: Ready, aim... All: WASTE 'IM! > Akane: I've got it. [starts cracking the eggs] Tom (Akane): Now, I think I'll get rid of this icky stuff inside and keep the crust... > Ranma: Akane is cooking?! ARE YOU NUTS? Crow (Pat): No, I'm from Illinois, not California. > [starts turning green] Unnh, suddenly, I don't feel so well. Joel (Ranma): I *knew* I shouldn't have eaten that pepperoni last night... > [starts to leave. P-chan has also started > getting nauseous at the thought of eating Akane's cooking. The former looks > surprisingly green around the gills for black piglet.] Joel: ...and since when was P-chan a Merpiglet? > Pat: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad. Tom (Ranma): Sure, and the moon is made of caviar and pro wrestling is real. > Ranma: YES IT IS! [whispers] She's practically found several ways to burn > water. Joel (Pat): Wow! If she can ignite the oxygen atoms in water, then she must *really* be a genius. > Pat: [crossing his arms] Crow (Pat): Away, evil aquatranssexual! > Ranma, I may be a bit of an optimist, but absolutely > *nobody* can be that ba-- Tom: Now, I know a lot of people would prefer that C-Ko didn't exist, but that's taking wishful thinking a bit far. > YIKE! [turns his head to see Akane cracking a 1 to > 1 ratio of shells to yolk in the bowl. He zips over to Akane.] Um, Akane? > Akane: Yes? All: I LOVE YOU! > Pat: [thinking] Geez, she's on the verge of committing a culinary > catastrophe. Tom: Yeah, and the author's in the process of writing a really rotten writ. > [diplomatically] I don't think we'll need the eggshells in the > cake. Crow: ...or your fingernails, or that dead rat, or those rusted cans... and I think we can pass on the powdered plutonium too... > Akane: You want me to take the shells out of the bowl? > Pat: [trying to be nice] Oh no, that's all right. I'll take care of it. Joel (Axe-Murderess Kasumi): I don't suppose you want a backrub...? > [starts separating the shells] Ranma, could you please hand me some flour > from over there? > Ranma: Why me? Tom: Cause Stone Cold said so. Crow: Crow 3:16 says this fanfic bites. > Pat: Because you're the one closest to it. > [Ranma sighs, and gets the flour container. However, P-chan has seen fit to > pass out (rather conveniently) right in front of Ranma. The latter trips on > the former and spills the entire container. The kitchen is soon obscured > with flour.] Tom: ...and only then did anyone notice that Akane had taken out the container filled with iocane powder by mistake. > Pat: [coughs] Ranma, I only wanted about two cups worth. Joel (Ranma): But now you can make twenty cakes! > Ranma: Hey, how was I supposed to know? Besides, it wasn't my fault. I > tripped on something...or someone. [eyes P-chan] You little--! Crow (Bart): Eat my shorts! Joel (Homer): Why...you...little...! > [starts chasing him until Pat clears his throat] > Pat: AHEM! Ranma, I seem to recall that you promised you wouldn't... > Ranma: [grumbling] All right, all right. > [Pat manages to ventilate the kitchen, and some visibility is restored. > Everyone is, amazingly, only dusted with flour. Joel: This being exceptionally amazing because the only thing that had been thrown into the air recently *was* flour. > He realizes something and dashes over to the pot.] Crow (Pat): Dammit, I forgot to add the old leather shoe! > Pat: [thinking] Please let the soup be okay! [waits until the dust settles > and lifts the cover.] Phew! It's all right. Joel (Pat): Oh, darling soup! You're alive! > Akane: What now? Tom (Pat): Now we order out. > Pat: Did Kasumi have any more flour? > Akane: No, that was all we had. Crow (Akane): Maybe we can use baking soda instead? > Pat: [to himself] Great. Joel: Oh, look, Pat's lying about both the fanfic and Himself at the same time! > [to Ranma and Akane] Well, I'll get some more flour from the store. In the > meantime, let's try to get this place cleaned up. Crow (Pat): Okay, P-chan, you have ten minutes to lick this room clean! > [They start to sweep up the kitchen. A half hour later, they're finally > done.] Crow: The fanfic's over? Joel: ... no. Crow: Too bad. > Pat: [putting away broom and dustpan] Finally! Now, I'm off. > Ranma: Really? I knew from the day you arrived that you were a little off. All: YEAH!! Joel: Considerably more than a little, actually... > Pat: [sour faced] Cute, Ranma, really cute. Joel: Oh, so He's allowed to crack sarcastic remarks and everyone else isn't? > I meant I'm off to the store to get some more flour. Tom (Ranma): Oh, and here we were hoping that you were off to the U.S. Crow: Or possibly off a cliff. > Akane: What about supper? You were the one with all the recipes. Crow (Pat): Well, Akane, improvise. I'll be back in the three days. That should be enough time for the radiation to drop back to a safe level. > Pat: Good point. [takes out several pieces of paper] Here you go. > Ranma: [looks at the recipes and frowns] Pat? > Pat: [sighs] What's wrong? Joel: Besides this whole fanfic? > Ranma: These recipes are in Chinese. Tom: Pat, being a normal American teenager, writes everything in Chinese. > Pat: All right, all right, I'll translate it for you. Crow (Pat): Geez, it's always something, isn't it?! > [starts scribbling > something down on another piece of paper] Here you go. [about to leave the > kitchen] Joel (Pat): Dammit, if they keep interrupting me, I'll never get out before the dinner goes critical! > Akane: [tries to read the recipes, then puts the paper down] Pat? > Pat: [stops and sighs] What's wrong now? Crow (Akane): I don't think we have Eye of Newt available anywhere around here. > Akane: You translated them into English. > Pat: Well, what's wrong with that? [Ranma and Akane start blushing and back- > ing off] Let me guess, you two aren't doing so hot in English class, huh? Joel: They can still probably speak it better than most New Yorkers. > [They both start fidgeting and clearing their throats.] That figures. All > right, I'll leave my translator here. Just type in the words and it'll give > you the Japanese equivalent. Is that it? Tom (Ranma/Akane): How should we know? It's *your* translator? Crow (Ranma): Wait, isn't that it there in the pot? > Ranma: Yeah, that should be it. [turns the translator on, then lifts an eye- > brow.] Pat? > Pat: [who has one foot out of the door and is almost exasperated] What?! All: Oh, shut up and LEAVE ALREADY! > Ranma: Why do you have a password on this thing? Crow (Pat): Cause I'm afraid that some evil demon will try to translate Oscar's fanfics into Japanese. > Pat: [walks over to Ranma] Here. [takes the translator from Ranma and > presses a few buttons] There you go. The security function's been > disabled. Ranma, can I talk to you about something? All: NO, LEAVE! > Ranma: Sure. [they both walk outside] > Pat: Listen, all I want you to do is to make sure that Akane follows the > instructions EXACTLY as they're printed. Tom (Pat): Otherwise it'll blow while I'm still in range. > Also, make sure that she gets the correct ingredients, all right? Joel (Pat): Remember, flour and baking soda are *not* the same thing! > Ranma: You're asking *me* to help *her* in the kitchen? Crow (Pat): Yeah, be sure to do everything she tells you. Just let me get clear first. > Pat: I'm counting on you. Oh, and one more thing. PLEASE don't antagonize > her. Just help her out. [leaves] Crow: Great idea! Let's go... Joel: Sit down, Crow... > Ranma: [sarcastic] This is going to be just peachy. [re-enters the kitchen.] Crow: If he's talking about the fanfic, he should be thrown out into the street and shot. > Note from Dr. F.: Sorry, fellas but I'm afraid that's it for now. Can you > believe this *stupid* thing has a word limit? Don't worry though... the > worst is yet to come! Tom: Oh, good call, Crow! All: (edge towards the exit and leave) [Insert reversed door sequence here. -B] --- AND CUT IT THERE... --- * * * MSTer's notes: Well, here starteth the revised edition of my first MSTing. After Pearson Mui (the author of this little beauty) showed up on the Author Avatar Match Board at the SVAM and suggested a revised ending, I figured that I might as well go and overhaul this whole thing like I'd been planning to do for a while. The usual thank-you's: To Tim McLees for archiving this, to Megane, Jolt, Lefty and the rest for inspiration and to Pearson Mui for writing this and providing me with so many riffing opportunities. This'll probably be posted along with the rest of the revision of Misadventures and a (much slighter) revision of Maximum Carnage 2. As for my other stuff: by the time you see this, I Will Remember You ought to be about done. Esper Chronicles? Um, eventually... > Pat: [flails his arms and legs around and cries out in a high-pitched voice] > Help me! Help me! > > Ranma: You just couldn't resist, could you Pat? > > Pat: [gets up chuckling] Nope.