[Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student MSTed, Part 2, MSTed by Blazej
Szpakowicz]

[For disclaimers and copyrights, see the beginning (ie, first part) of this
MSTing.]


Cambot watched. The bridge of the Satellite of Love stood empty. A few
strands of conversation could clearly be heard coming from just out of his
sight.

"So, wait a minute. Should we..." That was Tom Servo.

"I just told you..." *That*, on the other hand, was Crow.

"...just go up there and..." Joel, thrusting himself into the conversation.

"But I don't get it. Why does it have to be *me*?" Tom again.

"Because..." Joel.

Suddenly, Cambot spoke up, "You're on!"

"Huh... what're you..." Tom again, judging from the fact that he almost
immediately poked his head into Cambot's view. "We're on? Damn!" Tom cursed
under his breath before floating promptly into view. "Um... now?" Cambot
nodded slightly. "Oh, all right..."

Tom cleared his throat. "Ah, good day, ladies and gentlemen. Tell me...
Have you ever wanted to be able to beat up... well, absolutely anyone... as
easily as... some other people... can snap their fingers? Have you ever
wanted to be completely, utterly faultless, with no faults to speak of and
well-nigh perfect? Have you ever wanted to irritate the hell out of... No,
scratch that. Have you ever wanted to have Godlike powers for no reason
other than being *you*? Have you ever watched an anime, read a comic book
or seen a movie and said "Gee whiz, I wish I could do that?"

"If so, ladies and gentlemen, then this brand new book from the people who
brought you "Creative Visualization", "The Art of Belonging", "How to
Imitate Confidence" and the best-selling "If You Think You Can Do Something,
You'll Have to Fake It Anyway", comes this new, also soon to be best-
selling, work: "Complete Power: The Art of being a Self-Insertion Otaku
God-Boy.".

"Why? Because everyone knows that if you *believe* in something and it
doesn't come true, then you can *still* write a really irritating story
about it!

"Believe us, ladies and gentlemen, this book has done *wonders* for *many*
people with extremely low self esteem. We were the patrons for such famous
works as "Sailor Moon meets Chris Cadwell", "BGC OVA #1", the classic
"Oscar" saga..." For some reason, the sounds of someone gagging could be
heard coming from just out of Cambot's view. "...and, of course,
"Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student".

"What's that? You're wondering whether it works? Don't worry, discerning
viewer! We have not one but *two* guests with us here today who can
*testify* to the effectiveness of the methods prescribed in this book!

The lights dimmed considerably as Crow slowly moved into Cambot's view,
shuddering slightly with a look that promised utter death and despair
for... someone. He stared straight at Cambot for a few seconds before
speaking, "Hello my name is Oscar and..."

Immediately, Cambot activated a freeze-frame and allowed Tom to continue
his commentary, "Unfortunately, this interview has been declared too...
disturbing... to broadcast publicly, due to some really, really colourful
and utterly hideous descriptions on our interviewee's part. But if you for
some reason want to hear it, you can do so at our special hotline at 1-800
4-RIP-OFF."

Cambot released the freeze frame as Joel moved into his sight. "Hello, my
name is [censored] and I wrote [censored], a *great* Ranma 1/2 Self
Insertion. Before I wrote it, I was a pathetic loser with no life and no
friends who still listened to the New Kids on the Block and had never
managed to get within three feet of a girl... and I still am, actually. But
at least now, for a bit of time I can retreat into my dream world and
pretend I'm cool!"

Joel moved out of view and, immediately after, Tom floated back into it.
"And so, kind viewers," he said, "in conclusion, you can see that "Complete
Power: The Art of being a Self-Insertion Otaku God-Boy" has made these
pathetic losers into legends! And if you don't believe us, ask us!

"If you want to order this *wonderful* book, all you have to do is call 1-
8..." *Bzzt Bzzt Bzzt* "Oh, no, we've got FANFIC SIGN!"

Cambot watched for a short while as chaos reigned before his lens and then
started gliding towards the front door of the theater. 


Door 6: It's a plain wooden door. You yell "Here's Johnny!" and it breaks
        apart.
Door 5: It says "(A)bort, (R)etry, (E)scape". You fiddle with it for a while
        then give up and reboot.
Door 4: It's a large, foreboding black iron gate decorated with skulls and
        completely chained up. You grab the handle and it opens.
Door 3: It goes up into the ceiling but gets stuck, forcing you to crawl
        under.
Door 2: It's a dead-end. You toil for several hours digging a tunnel and then
        lean against the wall to rest. It falls away.
Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater.


> [twenty minutes later, Pat returns with the flour. He enters the house to
> find the kitchen deserted. He puts down the flour and looks around.]

Tom (Pat): Hey... I'm in the wrong house!

> Pat: Hey, where did everybody go? [hears someone running around in the
> family room and goes to investigate.]

Crow: ... and gets run over by a cattle stampede.

> Ranma: KAWAIKUNE!

> Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!

All: CLICHE!

> Pat: [peeks his head out] What's going on around here?

> [Akane is chasing Ranma around with a wooden mallet around the room.
> Ranma dashes past Pat and dodges a swing from Akane. Pat, however, isn't
> so lucky and takes the full blow on his head.]

Tom: Slightly denting the mallet.

> Pat: Ouch. [falls face first on the floor, unconscious.]

Joel: The floor is unconscious? Was it reading this fic?

> [Ranma and Akane both freeze dead in their tracks. While Ranma is
> shocked, Akane goes pale at what just occurred.]

> Akane: What have I done? [rushes over to Pat.]

Joel (Ranma): Well, you seem to have knocked out Pat.
Crow (Ranma): Here's your reward.

> Ranma: Great, it wasn't enough for you to try to knock me silly, now you
> just clobbered your "big brother!"

> Akane: Ranma, SHUT UP! Help me get him to the couch.

Crow (Akane): And smother him with a pillow!

> [They both drag Pat onto the couch and wait for him to wake up. Five
> minutes later, he does.]

> Pat: Uunnhh...what hit me?

Tom (Pat): Did anyone get the number of that mallet?

> Ranma: Offhand, I'd say a musclebound girl's wooden mallet. [Akane slaps
> him.]

> [Pat's eyes drill into Akane's.

Tom: Drill...? Wouldn't that hurt?

> She begins to fidget.]

> Pat: [slowly] You did this...to me?

Joel (Pat): You... made... me... a... MONSTER...
Crow: No, I think the author did that.

> [does a Marlon Brando imitation] What
> have I done to deserve a hammer on the noggin?

Crow: What, other than being a dickweed?

> Akane: It was an accident!

Crow (Akane): Yeah, I've no idea how that shotgun got in my hand...

> Pat: [continuing the M.B. imitation] I try to treat you nice because
> you're like the little sister I never had. Now, you stab me in the back
> and say it was an accident.

Tom: If He says "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse", I'll break
    something.

> Akane: I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say! [hugs him] Please
> forgive me.

All (Pat): Ummmm... NO!

> Pat: [back to his regular voice] Sawright.

> Akane: Hmm? [lets go of Pat]

Crow: Who falls five hundred feet to the ground and sprains an ankle.

> Pat: [has a BIG grin on his face] Gotcha.

Tom (Pat): Tee-hee. It's *fun* being psychotic!

> Akane: [starts getting flustered] Why you, you...

All (Homer): WHY... YOU... LITTLE...

> Pat: [cockily] Y'know, you look so cute when you're flustered.

> Akane: But I---

Tom: ...absolutely hate your guts.

> Pat: [still grinning] You thought that I was going to hold a grudge? Come
> on! It takes more than that, kiddo!

Joel: Here's looking at you kiddo.
Crow: It doesn't take much to see that this fanfic isn't worth a hill of
    beans in this crazy world.
Tom: I'd say it isn't even worth one bean.

> Ranma: [muttering] Well, you've got a lot more patience than I do.

Crow: Five year olds on Christmas Eve have more patience than Ranma.

> Pat: Aw, geez.

All: "Aw, geez"???

> Well, I half expected to be clobbered sooner or later, what
> with all that's going on here. [smiles] I'm just surprised that Akane
> actually took a swipe at me. By the way, what was that you called Akane?

> Ranma: [sees that Akane is ready to pound him] Um, I really don't want to
> repeat it now.

Crow: Ranma acting intelligent? *Sure*.

> Pat: Well, then, could I have my translator back, please? [Ranma hands it
> back to Pat. We see that it's noticably more worn than last time,
> including a few scratches and nicks.] Ranma, have you been using this
> other than as what it was supposed to be?

Tom (Ranma): Yeah, I've been playing basketball with it.

> Ranma: [fidgeting] Well, there were a few close calls...

> Pat: [sighs and turns on the translator. He keys in the word that Ranma
> called Akane. He reads to himself the meaning.] Literal meaning: uncute.
> WARNING! Never call a girl this unless (1) you have a death wish and want
> a sure-fire way to commit suicide or (2) you are mentally incapacitated
> due to drugs, alcohol, etc.

Joel: You realize, of course, all computers have definitions like that
    stored in their memory. In fact, just the other day I asked Magic Voice
    what "pathetic" meant and she said "just look in the theater".

> [to Ranma] You don't happen to have a death wish or something, do you?

Crow: Yeah, I, II, III, IV, V... all of 'em!

> Ranma: Not that I know of.

> Pat: Well, then, are you mentally incapacitated in any way?

Joel (Ranma): No, I'm ferpectly pine...

> Akane: Do you have a couple of hours?

Tom (Pat): No, actually I'll be dead within minutes, but thanks for asking!

> [Ranma glares at her. She just grins.]

> Pat: Do you want Akane to stop chasing you around?

Joel (Ranma): No, I *like* it when she does that!

> Ranma: Well, I...

> Pat: THEN DON'T CALL HER UNCUTE!

Tom (Ranma): Sorry? I didn't quite catch that...

> Ranma: Okay, okay. Geez, what a nutcase.

Crow: We agree completely.

> Pat: [ignores that last remark] Sorry about that, but it's just that I'm
> tired of this never-ending cycle.

Joel: The Never-Ending Cycle, a new novel by Michael Ende.

> Akane: What cycle?

Tom: I just keep eating and eating...

> Pat: [takes a deep breath and calms down] Never mind.

Crow: Wouldn't "No mind" be more accurate. Or rather, "no mind comma I
    have".

> Akane: No, really. What cycle?

Joel: Bi-?
Tom: Tri-?
Crow: Uni-?
Joel: Pop-?
Tom: Ice-?

> Pat: I'll tell you later. In the meantime, exactly how much cooking did
> you two accomplish before either of you went on the rampage?

Crow (Akane): Well, we'd just gotten to the bit where we were supposed to
    throw in the dried lizards...
Tom (Akane): ...and would you believe they suddenly started to move?

> Ranma: Well, we finished just about everything except for the cake. The
> next thing you know, she gets mad at me for trying to be nice to her!

Tom (Ranma): Yeah, all I said was that, being such a clumsy tomboy and all,
    she should let a *man* do the work.

> Akane: That's not true! He was just complaining about how you made him
> promise not to bug me. He was also grumbling something about helping out
> such a horrible cook. Then...

Crow (Akane): ...then the food attacked him.

> ...I slugged him.

> [They both notice then that Pat isn't around to hear their comments. They
> find him in the kitchen, testing the food they were both cooking.]

Joel: I think He's glowing.
Tom (Pat): Mmmm... brain melting... feels great...
Crow: Brain?
Tom: I know, I know... "What brain?"

> Ranma: Hey, why'd you run off like that?

> Pat: [looking up from a pot] I wanted to preserve my sanity. Y'know, this
> is actually pretty good.

Joel (Pat): Yeah, it's the best pot I've ever tasted.
Bots: Joel!
Joel: Not that kind of pot, guys.

> Akane: [slightly miffed] What, you were expecting otherwise?

Tom: Did someone switch her vocal cords with Kuno's?

> [Ranma is mouthing out to Pat, "Don't take her up on that question." She
> glares at Ranma, only to see him whistling.]

Joel: (covers ears) Ow! That's painful!

> Pat: I didn't know what to expect. Come on, let's finish this stuff up.

> [cut to later, at dinnertime. Everyone is somewhat cautious, not knowing
> what to expect. Dinner is served, and only Akane and Pat are eating it.]

Joel: Everyone else had decided it wasn't worth trying after the two of
    them started to turn fluorescent green.

> Pat: C'mon, eat up. There's more where this came from.

Crow: What, the sewers?

> [The panda and Soun reluctantly try some fish.

Tom (Soun): Hmm... it looks good... but shouldn't you have gotten rid of
    the eyes first?

> They both taste a piece, look
> surprised, and then start devouring it. Everyone else joins in.]

Crow: And then immediately keel over, dead.

> Pat: Oh, by the way, Akane was a big help in making dinner.

Crow (Pat): Yeah, at least *your* dinner.

> [Everybody except Pat, Ranma, and Akane stop eating and instinctively
> start choking on their food. Several Heimlich maneuvers later, order (or
> what passes for order around here) is restored.]

Joel: "Around here"? What, is the author in Japan? Or is he schizophrenic?

> Nabiki: [coughs] What are you trying to do, poison us?

Tom (Pat): Exactly...

> Pat: Hey, you were eating pretty heartily until I mentioned that your
> sister cooked it.

Crow: Ohhhh, touche! The prosecution rests.

> Soun: [crying] Can it be? Has my youngest actually learned how to cook?

Crow (Pat): No, I replaced your sake with the antidote!

> Akane: Well, it was really Pat's reci--

Joel: ...Pat's recitation of "I Know Why the Cagebird Sings", today on A&E.

> Soun: It doesn't matter. It just means that you can finally take care of
> yourself and Ranma when you get married.

Crow: *bzzt* Wrong answer!

> Ranma: Uh-oh. [leans over to Pat and whispers to him] Hey, I don't
> suppose you have any more recipes, do you?

Tom (Pat): Well, there's this interesting recipe some natives in Polynesia
    gave me for "Martial Artist a la Carte"...

> Pat: [whispers back] It doesn't really matter what she cooks. It's kind
> of funny, though.

Joel (Ranma): Akane's cooking *funny*? You have one weird sense of
    humour...

> Ranma: What?

Crow (Pat): Anything she cooks will be equally poisonous. Some of it will
    just take longer... to... ac... *choke*.

> Pat: After all that time you spent ridiculing Akane's cooking, she
> produced some of her best stuff when you were helping her.

Tom (Pat): Yeah, you only had to hit it four times instead of five for it
    to stop moving.

> Ranma:.....

Joel: How eloquent.

> [The next day, Sunday, Pat's about to stroll around town to see some
> sights, dressed casually in a green jogging jacket, plaid shirt, and blue
> jeans.

Crow: ...and a t-shirt saying "I'm with 'I'm with Stupid'".

> Ranma and Genma are training outside while Kasumi's cooking in the
> kitchen.

Joel: ...and Pat's committing suicide in his room.

> He notices that Nabiki's also about to go out. She goes into
> Akane's room upstairs. Without meaning to, he overhears snippets of a
> conversation.]

Joel (Pat): I *swear* I didn't mean to sit outside the door with my ear
    against it....

> Nabiki: Hey, is it all right if I borrow your white blouse?

Tom (Akane): If you cancel all my dues then I'll consider it...

> Akane: [somewhat hesitant] Well...all right, but don't get it dirty.

Crow: Yeah, semen stains are so hard to get out...
Joel: CROW!

> Nabiki: Don't worry.

All: BE HAPPY!

> [she walks out with the blouse in her hand, goes into her room and shuts
> the door.

Tom: ...and then starts laughing maniacally.

> Pat decides to stick around for a bit.

Joel: Yeah, on the wall he got smashed into when Nabiki opened the door.

> Several minutes later, Nabiki comes out of her room wearing the blouse
> and some jeans. Pat's idly looking through a magazine when he sees her
> coming down.] Hi, Pat.

Crow (Pat): Strange... that's my name too...

> Pat: [putting down the magazine] Hi.

Tom (Pat): I just hope she doesn't notice I was reading it upside down...

> Nabiki: [showing off her outfit] What do you think?

Tom (Pat): Oh, it's nice... can I borrow it some time?

> Pat: [looking her over] You look good.

> Nabiki: [brightens] Thanks. Listen, I'm going to be doing a few...errands
> around town. You want to come?

Crow (Nabiki): Or are you *scared*?

> Pat: What're you doing? Collecting money from people?

Joel (Nabiki): No, I'm going out to save the world as Sailor Yen.

> Nabiki: [mischieviously] Maybe.

> Pat: Hmm...tempting offer. But, I was thinking more about some
> sightseeing.

Crow: Translation: Sorry, I'm gay.

> Nabiki: [a little disappointed] Oh. Well, maybe next time.

Tom: I think she's falling for Him... Run for the hills!

> Pat: Maybe. See ya! [they both leave the house in separate directions.]

Tom: Hasta la vista, bay-bee!

> [Pat walks around town, enjoying the peaceful day. He sees Nabiki on the
> opposite side of the street going into various shops.

Tom: And then leaving each with an evil grin on her face after a
    bloodcurdling scream.

> Coming out of a clothing store, she's splattered with mud by a passing
> car. Cursing, she goes back into the store.]

Crow (Nabiki): Damn it, I knew I should have asked her for the brown
    blouse!

> Pat: I'd better see if she's all right.

Joel: Boy, it's really lucky He's always in the right place at the right
    time, isn't it...?
Tom: Someone must be having a massive plot contrivance sale...
Crow: Naaah, maybe He's just in league with Satan.

> [heads over to the store, but doesn't enter. Nabiki comes out. Her blouse
> is absolutely ruined because of the mud.] Hey, are you okay?

Joel (Pat): Yeah, you look like you've been rooting...

> Nabiki: Pat, what're you doing here?

Crow (Pat): Spying.

> Pat: Well, I was just checking out the sights when... [she jerks him
> inside the store] Whoa!

Crow (Bart): Whoa, cool man!

> [he notices that she's wearing another blouse. He also
> notices that Akane's blouse is in her bag.]

Tom: Though *how* He notices this, considering that neither Akane or Her
    bag are there I don't know.

> Nabiki: I need to borrow your jacket.

> Pat: My--? Sure, but why? [takes off his jacket and gives it to her]

Tom (Nabiki): Well, I was just figuring that was where your wallet would
    probably be...

> Nabiki: I just need it. Don't worry, I'll give it back to you.

Joel: At a hugely inflated price.

> [puts it on] Thanks. [heads off somewhere]

> Pat: .....

Crow: Ah, He's finally showing a glimmer of His true intelligence!

> [later, at the Ucchan, Pat's finishing up a quick snack when Nabiki shows
> up.]

> Pat: [jokingly] Boy, it really is a small world.

All: *sing* It's a small world after all!

> What brings you here?

> Nabiki: [almost growling] Not now, Pat. I'm in a really bad mood.

Joel: As opposed to her usual sunny disposition?

> Pat: [concerned] What's the matter?

Crow (Nabiki): You are.

> Nabiki: Everything! First, I get this thing splattered with mud! Then,
> some wiseguy thought it'd be funny to put oil on it. Then, it
> accidentally dropped out of the bag onto a freshly painted fence.

Tom: What, did it fall sideways?
Joel: It probably had to do it to join the Legion of Plot Contrivances.

> Pat: Sounds like one heck of a day.

Crow: One Heck of a Day? Wasn't that a movie?
Joel: That's One Fine Day.
Crow: Oh.

> Nabiki: Yeah, just peachy. [orders an okonomiyaki, which Ukyo promptly
> prepares and gives it to her. Nabiki pays her.] Thanks.

Joel: But how much is three rubles worth exactly?

> Ukyo: You're welcome. By the way, have either of you two seen Ran-chan
> lately? [points a spatula at Pat] And not another crack from you,
> wiseguy!

Tom: Pat ain't no GoodFella.

> Pat: [raising his hands in front of him] Okay, okay. No problem there.

> Nabiki: Well, he's been keeping an eye on a certain someone. [leans over
> in Pat's direction.]

Crow: Oh, look, she's drunk.

> Pat: [protesting] I don't need to be kept an eye on.

> Nabiki: Uh-huh. [looks around for something] Now where's the mustard?

Crow: (deadpan) I wonder what's coming next...

> Oh,
> here it is. [picks up the bottle and tries to squeeze it. It doesn't
> work. She tries again. Still no mustard.] C'mon!

Tom: C'mon down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!

> Pat: Here, let me give it a try. [she gives him the bottle and he
> squeezes it. A stream of mustard flows up from the table into Nabiki's
> bag.]

Crow: Wow! Great aim!

> Oh, no. Listen, I'm really sorry...

Tom (Nabiki): Bow and scrape a bit before me and I'll consider forgiving
    you.

> Nabiki: [sighs] Don't worry about it. At least it's not mine.

Crow (Nabiki): Yeah, Akane's the one who'll be ripping your head off, not
    me!

> Pat:....Jeez, this is a switch! Most girls I know would usually be crying
> their eyes out right about now.

Crow: Ooooh, chauvinism!

> Nabiki: Switch...yeah, that's the ticket!

Joel: Wow, it's lucky that He used that particular word rather than a normal
    one, isn't it?

> Pat: Huh?

Joel: Spoken like a true neanderthal.

> Nabiki: [getting up to leave] Thanks, Pat! [leaves]

> Pat: [looking at Nabiki, then at Ukyo] Did I just miss something, here?

Tom: When did Ukyo change her name to "here"?

> Ukyo: Don't ask me, I just run the place.

> [later, Nabiki is at another clothing store. We see that she's buying
> another blouse just like Akane's. There's just one catch: It's a size
> smaller than Akane's. Nabiki's hoping that she'll never notice.

Crow: Asking most women to not notice something about their clothes is like
    asking the Red Sea to part...
Joel: What was that you were saying about chauvinism?
Crow: Hey!

> She even clips out the label to cover her tracks.]

Tom: So it obviously won't work.

> [cut to the Tendo house. Nabiki has returned from her "errands" and gives
> the blouse to Akane.]

Joel (Akane): Hey! My blouse wasn't blue!

> Nabiki: Here you go! Your blouse is safe and sound.

Tom (Nabiki): Yeah, or at least *this* blouse is. Yours is decorating a
trash can somewhere!

> [turns to leave, then stops] Oh, by the way. I had it washed just now.

Crow (Nabiki): Yeah, with mud, oil, paint and then mustard!

> Akane: Thanks.

> [A little later, Akane is trying on the blouse that Nabiki borrowed, but
> with little luck. It seems to be too tight.

Crow (Akane): Dammit, this shows off my body too well!

> She goes downstairs. Ranma,
> coming in from practice, notices her discomfort.]

> Ranma: Hey, what's with you?

Tom (Akane): Nothing, just my imaginary friend.
Joel (Akane): I call him Ed... isn't he something else?

> Akane: It's this blouse. I don't get it. It fit just fine this morning.

> Ranma: Maybe you're getting fat.

All: Three, two, one...

> Akane: RANMA NO BAKA! [slaps him, leaving a very painful imprint on his
> face. She then starts chasing after him.]

All: Zero.

> Pat: [just entering the house.] Hi, guys! Whoa! [barely sidesteps Ranma.
> Akane stops chasing him, remembering what happened the last time. In the
> meantime, Ranma makes his getaway.]

Joel: He's getting away! After Him!
Crow: Cue exciting chase music.

> Okay, I give up.

Crow: Oh, He's surrendering...
All: BLAST 'IM!

> What went wrong now?

Joel: Apart from the usual?

> Akane: I was trying on this blouse. It seemed a little tighter than when
> I last wore it. Then, Ranma said that I was getting fat.

Crow (Akane): Yeah... I'm so sensitive about my figure!

> Ranma: [peeking his head in the doorway.] She is getting fat!

Tom: He then held up some Weight Watchers "Before and After" pictures with
Akane's face pasted over them.

> Pat: [sighs to himself. It's going to be one of those days.]

Joel: Yeah, like yesterday and the day before yesterday and last Wednesday
and tomorrow...

> Hey, isn't that the blouse that Nabiki borrowed from you?

Crow: No, that one's undergoing decontamination.

> Akane: Yes, so?

> Pat: Did she say anything to you before you put it on?

Tom (Akane): Just something about how hard it was to wring the mud out.

> Akane: Well, she did say that she put it in the...

Joel: ...garbage can by mistake.

> ...wash.

> Pat: And how much experience does she have with doing the laundry?

Crow (Akane): The laundry... oh, so *that's* what she meant!

> Akane: I don't know. Kasumi usually does it.

> Pat: There you go. Nabiki probably accidentally shrank it.

Tom: Awww, he's so clever... Kill him!

> [to himself]
> Although, I don't think anything can get out oil and paint. I wonder...

Crow: Maybe she used acid.

> Akane: Thanks, Pat. [to Ranma] I told you I wasn't getting fat. [he
> sticks out his tongue at her.]

Tom: ...and she grabs it and ties it into a bow.

> [cut to that evening. Pat's typing his usual letter home.]

Joel (Pat): Dear Brother: I spent most of today getting kittens down from
    trees and saving people from fires. I'd write more but I have to
    stop an oil tanker from sinking in a few minutes...

> Pat: [voice over] Dear brother (yes, I know that sounds generic. Bear
> with me!).

Crow: Can we just kill you instead?

> Nothing much happened today, with the exception of it being one of
> Nabiki's worst days.

Tom (Pat): Well, there was that matter with the walrus and the carpenter,
    but I don't wanna talk about that...

> She borrowed one of Akane's blouses and, apparently,
> got it all messed up. The next thing you know, she comes home and hands a
> clean blouse back to Akane.

Crow (Pat): I swear, technology today!

> The weird thing is that she got oil and paint on it.

Crow (Pat): Not to mention sem...
Joel: Crow!

> That stuff just doesn't come off. I wonder...could she have switched
> blouses on her little sister? It'd certainly explain why it was a size
> smaller.

Tom: No, I think you're think you're just imagining things!

> Well, that's about it for today. See you later! Pat.

> [the next day, at lunchtime. Pat and Ranma are walking around town. They
> come to a corner where they usually turn to get to the Nekohanten.
> However, Pat just keeps going straight.]

Joel: What, he's decided to no longer lead a criminal life?
Tom: Too late, he's already starring in this fanfic.

> Ranma: Pat, the Nekohanten's that way. [jerks his thumb]

Crow: *crack*!

> Pat: I know, but I just want to see what's that way.

Joel (Ranma): I just told you! The Nekohanten is that way!

> Ranma: [catching up to him] The only thing that way is St. Hebereke's
> Girl's School.

Tom (Ranma): Where they teach girls to roll over and play dead.

> Pat: St. Hebere--hey, doesn't that mean "dru--?"

Crow: Yeah, but what does "druh" mean?

> Ranma: Yeah. Whoever named that school must have been in that condition.

Joel: Sorta like the author...

> Pat: So, what is it, the girls are constantly wobbly or something?

Crow (Ranma): No, more knobbly.

> Ranma: Well, there is this one girl I know over there...good physical
> balance

Crow (Ranma): Yes, her "talents" are about of equal size.

> but she's a little unhinged, if you know what I mean.

> Pat: You have another girlfriend?

Joel: You know, he's very good at drawing accurate conclusions out of
    virtually nonexistent clues.

> Ranma: [gets a chill] Brrr...Don't ever call her my girlfriend!

Tom (Ranma): Yeah, I'm gay.

> Pat: Ah. [notices their destination outside the gates] Well, keeping me
> away from this place seems to be a moot point. We're here.

> Ranma: Gak! If Kodachi sees me, I'm dead! [dives into a hedge]

Crow: He's hedging his bets.
Others: *groan*
Tom: Crow, I never want to hear you complaining about bad puns again...
Crow: Hey, someone had to say it.

> [Pat sees a familiar (to us) figure.

Joel (Pat): She looks just like my old girlfriend...

> Kodachi makes her usual rose-laden entrance.

> Pat dusts himself off.]

Tom: With a hoover to the face.

> Kodachi: Excuse me, I thought I saw someone else with you. Was there a
> boy with a pony-tail with you?

Joel: Yeah; he was a nice guy, said he was named "Ukyo"...

> Pat: [looks around, carefully avoiding the hedge] Well, it doesn't look
> like it, now does it?

> Kodachi: [somewhat sadly] No, I guess not.

All: Boo-hoo.
Joel: (Mimes playing a violin)

> [sighs] Ranma-sama...

Crow: Oh, Ranma-sama, Ranma-sama, wherefore art though Ranma-sama?

> Pat: Ranma-sama? That's rather high praise for the guy, don't you think?

Tom: What, calling him by his name?

> Kodachi: [sticks out a spiked club at him] Are you questioning my taste
> in men?

Crow: Yeah. I like your taste in weapons, though.

> Pat: [leaning away from the club]

Joel (Pat): Oooh, my back!

> No, it's not that.

> Kodachi: Good.

All: NO, IT'S NOT!

> [retracts the spikes] Do you happen to know where he might be?

Tom: Well, he "might" be on Mars. It's not likely, sure, but...

> Pat: [straightening up]

Joel (Pat): Aaargh! Damned arthritis!

> Well, I imagine that he might be at Furninkan High School having lunch.

Joel: Wouldn't he be more likely to be at FurINkan High, seeing as he goes
    there and all?

> I think he said that he was a bit bushed.

Crow: Heh-heh... How funny... *Kill him*!

> [Inside the hedges, Ranma grimaces at Pat's pun, but keeps quiet.]

Crow: He's looking at Pat's buns?
Joel: NO.
Crow: Thank God.

> Kodachi: Oh. Well, if you do see him, give him these for me.

Tom (Pat): Hmm, let's see.. hand grenades??

> [whips out a bouquet of black roses.

Crow: You, know, somehow, Kodachi *whipping* something just... fits.

> Pat takes it, cautiously. He notices something in Kodachi's hand.

Joel: Say, maybe... Roses?

> She seems surprised at his lack of reaction.]

Tom (Kodachi): But I was *sure* that when you mix Pat with Acetic acid and
    hydrogen trisulfide it's supposed to explode...

> Until later... [prepares her ribbon]

Joel (Kodachi): Okay, ribbon, now you attack him from the left, and I'll
    close in from the right...

> Pat: Oh, by the way. [she stops. Pat opens his hands to reveal three
> thumb-tacks wedged between his fingers.]

Crow: "Wedged"? Kinky.

> I believe that these are yours. [flings them near her, where they land
> in a tree.]

Crow: The score at half-time: Pat three, Tree nil.

> Kodachi: My, I guess it's true. Old habits are hard to break.

Joel: Yeah, especially when you don't try to. Strange thing, that...

> [swirls her ribbon and exits.]

Tom: Author, I'd like you to meet the word "leave". Leave, author.
Crow: Don't we wish...

> Pat: Geez, what a nutcase. Ranma, you can come out now. [he does,
> slowly.]

Crow: Ranma? Oh damn, he had a heart attack!
Joel: Yeah, the lucky devil...

> Ranma: NOW, do you see why I didn't want to come here?

Tom (Pat): Naw, she was quite nice. Look, she even left you roses!

> Pat: Okay, okay, you don't have to rub it in.

Joel (Pat): Yes, my back is fine now, really...

> [hands him the bouquet. It
> has a card on it saying, "With love, from the Black Rose."

> Ranma tosses it into the garbage.]

Crow: Thus causing some innocent fluke worm to become paralyzed.

> You know, there's something familiar about her, I just don't know what.

Crow: Gee, that's original dialogue! Who writes his lines, Shatner
    Screenwriters incorporated?

> She reminds me of...

> Ranma: Kuno?

Joel (Pat): No, this girl named Naga, actually.

> Pat: [snaps his fingers] Exactly.

Tom: Exactamundo.

> [turns to face him] How did you know?

Crow (Ranma): I know everything. No, wait, sorry! I thought I was you for a
    second.

> Ranma: Kodachi is Kuno's sister.

Joel (Pat): Oh, *that* explains why her last name was Kuno!

> Pat: Well, it all fits. They're both skilled in some kind of martial art

Joel: What, is it generally thought in this reality that gymnastics is a
    contact sport?

> both have a crush on you in one way or another, both have this thing for
> roses, and, most importantly, both seem to have this overactive
> imagination.

Tom: Well, thank you for that clever analysis, Einstein.
Crow: Hey, you forgot, they both have herpes!
Joel: Crow...

> Ranma: You forgot one thing: Both are a pain in the neck.

Tom (Pat): No, I think that's just a thorn from that bush you were hiding
    in.

> Pat: I was getting to that. So, how'd she get this crush on you?

Crow (Ranma): Well, it was back when I was working as a male stripper...

> Ranma: I---accidentally hit her on the head.

Joel (Ranma): *It's so shameful*!

> Pat: Really? It hasn't done a thing for her. [jokingly] By the way, you
> didn't strike me as being so desperate for a date that you'd actually
> have to hit---

Crow (Pat): ...on men.

> Ranma: PAT!

Tom: Who is the main character of this piece of trash? Okay, now I'll take
    American History for two-hundred please, Alex.

> Pat: I was just joking.

Joel (Pat): Yeah, really... please don't hurt me...

> Ranma: Well, it's not very funny! Can you imagine being chased around by
> those two as both a boy *and* a girl?

Crow: Um, no?

> Pat: Hmmm... [thinks it over for a good minute.] No, not really.

> Ranma: [slaps his forehead] Arrgh!

Crow: What, did he slap Pat's forehead and hurt his hand?

> Pat: But, I guess it'd be a constant pain in the rear.

Tom: Sort of like Burning Hemorrhoids.

> Ranma: You got that right. [sarcastically] Have you satisfied your
> curiosity yet?

Crow (Pat): No, let's have sex again.
Joel: Crow!

> Pat: [quietly] Yeah, let's go.

Joel (Pat): Farewell St. Hebereke... I'll never forget you!
Crow: We'll always have St. Hebereke...

> [they head back to Furinkan High School.]

> [meanwhile, the Principal is at his desk, dreaming about...

Crow: Women.
Joel: Crow!
Crow: Well, what else do men dream of?

> another Hawaiian getaway.]

> Principal: Ah, yes, I could certainly use the time off, especially after
> what happened to me last week. [winces]

Tom (Principal): Oh, the horror! The horror!

> When I get my hands on the student
> who put that sign on me, I'll shave off all his hair and make him

Crow (Principal): ...Kodachi's Love Toy.
Joel: Urk...

> clean toilets for a month.

Crow: My suggestion was *so* much more evil.

> [calls to his secretary] Do you have the figures for the yearly budget
> ready?

Tom (Secretary): No sir, I was too busy throwing pencils into the ceiling.

> Secretary: [nasal voice] Yes, sir.

Joel (Secretary): (mimes blowing nose)

> Principal: Well, how do my prospects look for another getaway?

Crow (Secretary): Depends... are you gonna give me a raise?

> Secretary: Nonexistent, sir.

> Principal: [rushes over to her desk] WHAT????! What do you mean,
> nonexistent?

Tom (Secretary): You know, "not there", like Government Efficiency?

> Secretary: Well, apparently, sir, you've already had two "getaway" trips.
> We're in serious debt.

Joel: As opposed to a funny debt?

> Principal: How much?

Crow (Principal): It's coming out of *your* salary.

> Secretary: [looks through some papers] About 75000 yen, sir.

Joel (Secretary): Give or take a few million.

> Principal: Oh, no. If the board of education finds out we're in debt, I
> could lose my job! What do I do?

Tom: Bribe 'em.
Joel: Rob a bank.
Crow: Sell yourself.
Joel: Crow!

> Secretary: Well, sir...

> Principal: [snaps at her] Don't interrupt me when I'm thinking!

Joel (Secretary): Sir, you haven't had to think in over twenty years...
    that's *my* job!

> Secretary: But sir, we could always run some kind of contest, with the
> proceeds going to the school.

Crow: Yeah, like a martial arts contest! Then we could build a new school
    after too!

> Principal: Nonsense! [thinks] Hmmm...I know!

> Secretary: What, sir?

Tom: Absolutely nothing, that's what.

> Principal: We could run some kind of contest, with the proceeds going to
> the school.

All: ECH-O!

> Secretary: [sarcastically, but with her voice, who can tell?] You're a
> genius, sir.

Crow (Secretary): Dickweed.

> Principal: [full of himself] I know. That's why I'm the Principal, and
> you're a lowly secretary.

Tom: HA! You lowly secretary worm thingy!

> Secretary: [thinking] Just wait until tax time comes, then you'll see how
> lowly I am!

Joel (Secretary): Just you wait! I'll spit on your gravestone if it's the
last thing I'll do!

> Principal: Put me through the speaker system.

Tom (Secretary): Okay. *kee-rash*!

> Secretary: Yes, sir.

Joel (Secretary): Yes sir; of course sir; three bags full, sir.

> Principal: Attention, students! Please continue to listen to your teacher
> during this announcement!

Crow (Principal): Yes, and stand on your head and juggle twenty tennis
    balls while you're at it!

> Due to a...bookkeeping error, we are short 75000
> yen. In order to make this up, I am announcing a martial arts contest
> this Friday afternoon, afterschool.

Crow: Ha! I told you so! I told you so!

> All the proceeds will be put in a "booster fund" for special activities,
> etc.

Joel (Principal): Like slave galley cruises.

> All students are welcome to enter, and
> entry forms and tickets will be available tomorrow.

Tom (Principal): As will contracts to sign your soul over to Satan!

> That is all. What a
> bunch of idiots. All I have to do is give one of them a cheap trophy and
> I get to cover...Hey! Is this thing still on?

Crow: All right, boy genius. The kewpie doll is yours.
All: *clap clap clap*

> Secretary: You never told me to turn it off, sir.

Tom (Principal): Oh, I knew I forgot something!

> Principal: Well, turn it off!

> Secretary: Yes, sir.

Joel: Yessir, Principal-sir! (salutes)

> Principal: Do you think they heard that idiots part?

Tom (Secretary): Is the sky blue? 

> Secretary: I don't know, sir. [hides a malicious grin.]

Crow: I'll put this malicious grin here in the drawer where no one will
    ever find it...

> [meanwhile, everyone's either laughing at the Principal's incompetence,
> or ticked off at the fact that he called them a bunch of idiots.]

Tom (student): How dare he tell the truth about us?!

> [Afterschool, Ranma, Akane, and Pat are walking home.]

Joel: Who's Afterschool? The author's best friend?

> Pat: So, are you going to enter that contest?

> Ranma: Yeah, I'm going.

Joel (Ranma): So there!

> Pat: How come?

Tom (Ranma): Well, cause I feel like falling for his incredibly devious
    trap of course!

> Ranma: What do you mean, how come? It's a martial arts contest, I'm a
> martial artist.

Crow (Pat): Oooh, wow, I never thought of that!

> Pat: Well, there's a complex answer for you.

Tom (Pat): I am *so* much better than you...

> [Ranma gives him a sour look.]

Joel: He bought it in a nice little grocery store across the road.

> Akane: Why, are you thinking about entering?

Tom (Pat): No, I was thinking of ransacking your room while you were gone.

> Pat: Well, [thinks for a bit] why not? It could be interesting. I mean,
> it's not like I'm fighting for my life or anything.

Joel: Ahhh, I smell foreshadowing! Layered on thicker than in Julius
    Caesar.

> How about you, Akane?

> Akane: I'm in, as long as nobody's cheating.

Crow: So, she's not in?

> Ranma: Then you'd better count out Shampoo and Kodachi.

Crow: Realistically, wouldn't they have to *go to* the school to enter the
    contest...? No wait, this is Ranma 1/2, of course not.

> Pat: I'll keep an eye on those two, just to make sure they're not up to
> any funny stuff.

Tom (Pat): Ha! You fiends, how dare you be planning a Saturday Night Live
    sketch!

> Ranma & Akane: Thanks.

Tom (Ranma/Akane): This way they'll kill him for us!

> [later, after dinner. Pat's typing his usual letter home.]

> Pat: [voice over] Well, bro, except for a close call with a mentally
> unstable girl, nothing much really happened today.

Joel: This guy would think that World War III was boring!

> It seems that Kuno has a younger
> sister, Kodachi. I really didn't talk much with her, thankfully, but I
> did get the impression that she's the type that would pluck the wings off
> butterflies.

Tom (Pat): ...and grill them in bear oil.

> As if he didn't have enough problems (or girlfriends), Ranma also has
> to deal with Kodachi, who's crazy (emphasis on crazy)

Crow: Okay, I see, she's "crazy" with emphasis on the word crazy as opposed
to "crazy" with emphasis on the word... crazy.

> about him.

Joel: Gaah! That's worse than your jokes, Crow!
Crow: Didn't you use that before?
Joel: Yeah, but it's true.

> Well, there's nothing much else to say.
> Oh, by the way. I'm going to enter a martial arts contest in a few days.

Tom: Oh, so you *do* have something else to say, huh?

> Apparently, the Principal of Furinkan
> High School found that he was short a bit on the budget.

Crow (Pat): ...so he's going to give away large cash prizes in the contest.

> So, he's having a kind of "winner is the best martial artist" deal. All
> the ticket sales go to what I call the "booster club."

Joel (Pat): They'll be used to buy steroids.

> I suspect that there are only so many trips
> to Hawaii included on the current budget, and he's used them all up.
> (trans:

Crow (Pat): Translation: I have a truly pathetic sense of humour.

> he's covering his rear for his expenses.)

Tom (Pat): He doesn't want his expenses to see him butt naked.
Others: *groan*

> I wouldn't be surprised, however,
> if I see Nabiki scalping tickets for all the good seats.

Joel: How do you scalp a ticket? Is she gonna slice off the plastic coating
    or something?

> Well, it might be fun, providing they have referees to keep it under
> control.

Tom: HMM... You don't suppose this means they won't have any referees, do
    you?
All: Naaah!

> Gotta go, bro. Pat.

> [The next morning, at Furinkan High School.]

Crow: Meanwhile, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...

> Pat: So, do you think I can start practicing with you two for the
> contest?

Tom (Ranma): Yeah, sure; we need a new punching bag.

> Ranma: Why? You're already a pretty good fighter.

Joel: For Chrissakes, that's the understatement of the millennium...

> Pat: Well, people can always learn new things, can't they? Besides, while
> I may be good at what I know, I really don't know that much.

Joel: Could've fooled us...

> It's better if I
> have a variety of moves so that I can be less predictable to an opponent.

Tom: I know! Jump down onto the ground and beg them to spare you! That'll
    surprise the hell out of them!
Crow: All He has to do is *not* shout out the names of His attacks before
    using them, you know...

> Ranma: You know, you sound a bit like my dad.

> Pat: Really?

Joel (Pat): Thanks for the insult!

> Ranma: Right before he dropped me into a pit of hungry cats.

> Pat: Ouch.

Crow (Pat): (monotone) You wound me to the quick.

> Akane: Ouch is right. To this day, Ranma still doesn't like cats.

Tom (Akane): Yeah, but then he's never much liked Andrew Lloyd Webber
    anyway...

> Ranma: Akane!

> Akane: Well, it's true, isn't it?

Joel: Yes, it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so
    help you Skuld.

> [They hear, in the distance a very wicked cackle. It comes nearer and we
> see the source:

Tom: I know! It's Jinnai!

> Kodachi.]

Tom: Close enough.

> Ranma: Uh-oh...[looks for some place to hide. He can't find one.]

Crow: I know, he could dig a hole and bury himself in it!

> [Kodachi lands, and throws bouquets to Ranma, Akane, and Pat.]

Joel: Yeah, exploding bouquets.

> Kodachi: I've heard about the contest coming on Friday. I just came to
> wish all of you good luck...

Tom (Kodachi): ...and a swift and painless execution.
Crow: Yeah, right! Swift and painless, in this fanfic?

> you'll need it. Especially you, Akane. [points the ribbon handle at her.]

Crow (Kodachi): In the name of Kerry Strug, I will punish you!
Tom (Kodachi): ...and really enjoy it.

> [with that, she swirls her ribbon, and makes her usual rose-laden exit.]

Tom: "Rose-Laden"? *Again*? Does she always carry around a door decorated
    with roses or something?

> Pat: [slowly] That is one wicked lady.

Joel: Huh? Did someone mention Chibi-Usa?
Crow: No, no, no. Don't worry, Joel; you're just imagining things.
Joel: Oh, thank God.

> [afterschool, Ranma is helping Pat train for the contest.

Joel: This "Afterschool" person again... who *is* that? And shouldn't that
    read "are" instead of "is"?

> After a few, simple
> moves, they both decide to go for something a bit more challenging.]

Crow: Yeah, a duet.

> Ranma: All right. You seem to have the basics down, but do you know any
> advanced moves?

Tom (Pat): Yeah, if you press UP-RIGHT-B You get a cool Flying Spinning
Kick combo.

> Pat: Well, you already know about my Hurricane Kick and the Nuke Attack.

Crow (Pat): Speaking of Nuke Attacks, I think I ate one too many burritos
    the other day...

> I've been working on something that's a little more...defensive.

Tom (Pat): Yeah, I call it the three ton flamethrowing bazooka attack...

> Ranma: What's that?

Joel (Pat): The opposite of offensive.
Crow: The opposite of this fanfic?
Joel: Yeah, exactly.

> Pat: It's called the Dragon's Scale Shield.

Joel: "Dragon's Scale Shield"? Wasn't that an accessory for one of the He-
    Man action figures?

> Theoretically, it should be
> impervious to most conventional and a few magical attacks.

Crow (Pat): ...but if you sneeze too hard, I'm dead.

> Ranma: Theoretically?

Crow (Pat): Practically, a mosquito can get through it.

> Pat: I've never really tried it against an opponent.

> Ranma: Well, here's your chance.

All: GO, RANMA! GO, RANMA! KILL, KILL, KILL!

> Pat: Okay. [concentrates for a moment] DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD!

All: ENERGIZE!

> [a glowing blue field begins to form in front of Pat.

Tom: The birth of a new crop circle. Or in this case, crap circle.

> It coalesces, gaining more definition.

Tom: Yeah, it's not just an accessory for an action figure and a magical
    defense any more, it can now pare apples too!

> The final form is much like a medieval shield.] Okay, fire away, Ranma.

Crow (Ranma): Hold on, let me get my gatling gun...

> Ranma: CRACKLING FIRE SPEED FIST!

Joel: The hell?? What's that supposed to be?
Tom: Speed Fists Crackling on an Open Fire?

> [Ranma's fists begin to blur and impact on
> the shield. His punches have no effect, other than...]

Crow: ... to utterly destroy the shield.

> Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [stops punching and kneads his knuckles]

Joel: ...and then he'll bake them in a 400 degree oven for two hours.

> What is that thing made of?

Tom (Pat): Mostly spit and wads of chewing gum.

> Pat: Beats me, but I think that it's an extension of my ki. [drops the
> shield]

Joel (Ranma): Ow, my foot!

> What did it feel like?

Crow (Ranma): Oh, it was *gooood*....
Joel: Crow!

> Ranma: [shaking his hand]

Tom (Ranma): Hello, my name's Ranma... pleased to meet you.

> Like trying to punch through a

Crow (Ranma): ...a piece of tissue paper. I think you should work on it
    some more.

> block of steel... a THICK block.

Joel: Sounds like Pat's brain.

> Pat: [brightens] Well, at least I know that it works, now.

Crow: Yes, but will it work *tomorrow*?

> Ranma: Maybe, but do you think it'll stand up to one of Ryoga's ki-
> blasts?

Joel: Ah yes, the dreaded "Hoof of the Black Piglet".

> Pat: Ryoga's what?

Tom (Ranma): A pig. I told you already.

> Ranma: One of these...ROARING LION BULLET! [fires an energy blast]

Joel (bird): *squack* *splat*

> Pat: Whoa! [dodges the blast] Geez, give a guy some warning, will you?

Crow: What, and the fact that he just called out "ROARING LION BULLET"
    meant nothing to you?

> Ranma: Ryoga won't.

Crow: Call out that stupid attack name? Sure he will!

> Pat: Good point. Okay, let's try that again. DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD!

All: ...POWER!

> [once again, the shield forms in front of Pat]

Tom: ... and Ranma immediately attacks him from behind.

> Ranma: ROARING LION BULLET!

Joel (plane): *whirr* *crunch* *whizz* *crash*

> [the energy blast hits Pat's shield.
> Unfortunately, due to its angle, the blast rebounds off the shield to
> take out part of the roof.] Oops.

Tom (Ranma): I didn't do it!

> Pat: Y'know, that little trick of yours is kinda neat. How do you do
> that?

Crow (Pat): Yeah, I wanna blow things up too!

> [Ranma briefly explains how to form both the Roaring Lion Bullet and the
> Fierce Tiger Domineering. 

Joel: Okay, first you take the noun "bullet", and add the adjectival form
    of the verb "to roar"...

> Pat, however, is unsuccessful at both, even after several tries.]

Tom: But when He only tries *one*, He can manage it perfectly!

> Ranma: No, what you've gotta do is to think of something that'll get you
> really ticked off.

Crow (Pat): Okay... *Sock Puppets, Sock Puppets, Sock Puppets, Sock
    Puppets...*

> Pat: I can't think of a thing, offhand.

Crow (Ranma): Okay, then. I'll pound on you for a while and then you can
    hate *my* guts.

> Ranma: Well, how about something that made your family did to make you
> mad?

Tom (Ranma): ...like the time your sister stole your brownies and they all
    laughed at you...!
Crow (Pat): Oh they did, they did... but I knew I'd get even... I knew...!

> Pat:....No, I had a pretty stable family life.

Joel: Okay, that's it. Now we *know* He's not human.

> Ranma: Well, how about something that you were pretty proud of, like
> maybe a good report card or something?

Tom (Ranma): Or when you stopped wetting your bed last year.

> Pat: I don't think that'll work. I was just a slightly better than
> average student.

Crow (Pat): I always got straight F's but did manage to bribe a few
    teachers to let me pass their courses.

> Ranma: [straining to think of ideas] Well, try this. You're the only one
> in your family, besides your brother, to master a martial art.

Joel (Ranma): Doesn't that make you feel so *special*?

> Pat: Well, that's true.

Joel (Pat): Of course, seeing as my brother's name is Bruce, it's sort of
    hard to feel good about being a martial artist around him...

> Ranma: So, you have something to be proud of.

> Pat: Not really. You see, I'm just good, not great at street fighting.

Crow: Oh for...! Just be proud of being an irritating piece of worm-ridden
    cow dung and hurry up with the "plot" already!

> [Just then, Akane enters the dojo.]

Crow (Akane): Hello, guys? There's some people in white labcoats here to
    see you.

> Akane: Well, how's the training going?

Joel (Ranma): Oh, it's incredible! I found something that Pat *can't do*!
Crow (Akane): Oh GOD! If you'll excuse me, I have to go and have a heart
    attack...

> Ranma: He wanted me to show him how to fire a ki-blast.

> Akane: And?

Tom (Ranma): Well, see that pile of soot on the floor? That's him.

> Ranma: [sighs] Pat, I hate to say this, but...

> Pat: Go ahead.

Joel (Ranma): You're absolutely pathetic.

> Ranma: You're too nice and patient for the Roaring Lion Bullet, and too
> modest for the Fierce Tiger Domineering.

Tom (Ranma): But you're just the man for this *new* CAR!

> Pat: Hmm...Whoever thought that being well-adjusted could be hampering?

Crow: Only in anime... Or possibly pro wrestling.

> Hey, has anybody seen Nabiki around?

Tom (Pat): I need to ask her for a few tips on blackmailing y... people.

> Akane: Yeah, she's upstairs in her room.

Crow (Akane): She's plotting to buy out Bill Gates!

> Y'know, I thought I saw her with quite a few tickets in her hand.

Joel: ...for a KISS concert! I swear, she has absolutely horrible taste!

> Pat: [groans] That figures. They're probably all front-row seats that
> she's going to scalp.

Tom: She's going to take the seat covers off and put them up on sharpened
    stakes in the backyard.

> Excuse me. [heads inside the house]

Joel: ...and His head is inside the house! The shot is good! The crowd goes
    wild!

> [cut to Nabiki's room. She's examining several tickets.]

Crow (Nabiki): How can I get traffic tickets if I don't even have a car??

> Nabiki: Let's see now, front row, front row...ooh!

Crow: She's getting turned on by a ticket?

> Front row, middle aisle ticket. I'll have to charge extra for this one.

Tom (Nabiki): Instead of just signing over *his* soul to me, the buyer will
    have to sign over those of all his family too!

> Pat: [knocks on the Nabiki's door]

Crow: *The* Nabiki. As opposed to the *other* Nabiki.

> Nabiki? May I come in, please?

Joel (Pat): Please? Pleeeease? Pretty please with sugar on top?

> Nabiki: [thinking] Oh, shoot, it's Pat!

Tom: Now *that's* a good idea!

> [shoves the tickets under her pillow]

Crow: These particular tickets were far too heavy to just pick up...

> Pat: And take those tickets out from under your pillow...

> Nabiki: [thinking] Geez, how did he know?

> [starts to put the tickets under her bed]

Crow: Where they get eaten by a grue.

> Pat: And don't even think about putting them under your bed.

All: HUH?

> Nabiki: [thinking] What is this guy, a mind-reader?

> Pat: No, I'm not a mind-reader, I just happen to know you very well.

All: LAME!

> May I come in?

All: NO!

> Nabiki: What do you want?

Tom (Pat): A life.

> Pat: I want to talk about the odds on certain people in the contest.

Crow (Nabiki): You and Ranma are even money, Ryoga's two to one, everyone
    else is five billion to one since they don't have a chance in
    hell anyway.

> Nabiki: Odds? [opens her door] You just said the magic word.

Joel: Magic word? Wasn't that "open sesame"?
Tom: I thought it was "sim sim salabim".
Crow: I thought it was "sex".
Joel: You always think that!
Crow: Exactly.

> Are you thinking about making a bet?

Crow (Pat): Yeah, I'd like to bet on Kuno.

> Pat: No, I want to know the odds of my defeating certain people in the
> contest.

Tom (Nabiki): Well, you're favoured against Crys, about even money against
    Bert and dead in the water against Brett or Twister, seeing as
    they actually *are* gods.

> Nabiki: Well, why do you need these odds?

Joel (Pat): So I can make *even more* money off the contest than I'll make
    by winning it.

> Pat: [sitting down on a chair] There's an old saying, "Know your enemy
> and know yourself, and you will always be victorious."

Crow: What if the enemy decides to get plastic surgery?

> Well, I know myself pretty well.

Crow (Pat): I've known me since the day I was born, in fact.

> Now, all I need to know are the people I'm going to fight.

Tom (Nabiki): Well your first opponent's a seven foot four hundred pound
    ex-con called "Mauler", so I wouldn't worry about the rest...

> Do you happen to have a list of people in the contest?

> Nabiki: Well, I've got it right here.

Crow (Nabiki): To get it, all you have to do is give me your manhood and
    let me put it in this little pouch over here.

> What's it worth to you?

Joel (Pat): I'll give you three dollars, Australian.

> Pat: Well, how about 200 yen?

Tom (Nabiki): Oh *please*. Bidding starts at twenty thousand yen.

> Nabiki: Come on! It's worth more than that!

> Pat: 400 yen?

Crow (Nabiki): Well, add a few dozen more zeroes and you'll be closer to
    the mark...

> Nabiki: Nope. How about trying around the 800 yen mark?

Joel: I *don't* think so! The real Nabiki would never settle for anything
    less than a thousand.

> Pat: You're getting greedy, you know.

> Nabiki: I don't think so. [grins]

Joel: She doesn't think she's greedy? If that little saying Pat spewed
    above is true, then she's already lost.

> Pat: [to himself] I hate to do this, but...

Joel (Pat): (kneels down and begs) Pleeeeeease! I'll be your friend for
    ever and ever and ever...

> [to Nabiki] Well, what's it
> worth to you for me not to tell Akane about what happened to her favorite
> blouse?

> Nabiki: [nervously] Wh-what are you talking about?

Crow (Pat): Akane's favourite blouse; you know, the one you savagely
    attacked?

> Pat: Remember last Sunday when you borrowed her blouse? Well, I happen to
> know that the blouse she has now isn't the one you borrowed.

Tom (deadpan): No, really?

> I remember
> seeing you accidentally get it splattered with mud, squirted with
> mustard, splattered with oil, and had paint smeared on it.

Crow (Pat): Yes, you are the cause of all this shirt's suffering!

> I also seem to recall you
> going to the store and buying another one, only it was a size too small.

Joel: And how does He know its *size*?

> And, I seem to recall Akane trying it on, with little luck, and Ranma
> said that she was getting fat, am I right?

Crow (Nabiki): Uh, nooooo...

> So, I wonder, what would happen if it
> were to slip, quite accidentally, what really happened to her blouse? 

Tom (Nabiki): Well... does the word "castration" mean anything to you?

> Why, I
> think you'd have a mess on your hands, now wouldn't you?

Crow: Ah, don't you just love being a smug little prick?

> And, I just happen
> to have several pictures of said stains on said blouse...[takes out some
> pictures]

Joel: Scenic snaps of Golden Gate Bridge and the Great Potato Museum.

> Nabiki: [frustrated] All right, all right! Take the darn list! Take
> anything you want! Just don't tell them! [hands him the list]

Crow (Pat): Okay, sure. Hey, Akane!

> Pat: Thank you. Oh, by the way. [hands the pictures to her] These are my
> vacation shots. Enjoy! [leaves]

Tom (Pat): Heh-heh-he. *Suck-er*!

> Nabiki: [fuming] Why that, that---[thinks]

Joel (Nabiki): Hey, he's been in Rio! No fair!

> That's actually not bad for an amateur. The kid's got potential.

> Pat: [outside her door] Yech! My stomach's going to be turning for a
> week!

Joel: I guess you shouldn't have ate that week old sandwich then!
Tom: Still, now you'll know how *we* feel...

> [to himself] I never was cut out to blackmail people. [looks at the list]
> Let me see now, there's Ranma, Akane, me, Ukyo, Kuno, Kodachi...Kodachi?

Tom (Pat): What's a Kodachi?

> She's actually sane enough to fight? Hmm...there's also Shampoo, (uh-oh)
> Mousse, (he could actually see well enough to sign the form?) and Ryoga
> (he found his way to the school? Amazing!

All: INCONCEIVABLE!

> But, he's going to be one tough customer.)

Joel: Wow, amazing, he has footnotes on his thoughts!

> [walks over to his/Ranma's room, where the latter is standing on
> his head.]

Crow: Why is Ranma standing on Pat's head?
Joel: Maybe he's standing on his own head?
Crow: Well, why's he doing that?
Joel: Maybe he's proudly showing the World that he's double jointed?
Crow: Well, either way, the lice'll probably nibble of his big toe.

> Ranma: Whaddya have there, Pat?

Tom (Pat): Strange as it may seem, it's a *piece of paper*!
All: Ooooohh!

> Pat: A list of possible match-ups in the contest, and the probable odds.
> For instance, this list says that if you and I were to fight, the odds
> would be even money, same as if you or I fight Ryoga.

Joel: Ranma vs. anyone, even money? Isn't that like saying that Godzilla
    vs. Aunt May is even money?

> Ranma: [rolling out of the headstand and taking a look at the list]

Tom (Ranma): Hey, what are you talking about, this is a grocery list!

> This looks like Nabiki's handwriting.

Crow (Watson): Excellent, Holmes, excellent.

> Pat: It is.

> Ranma: How much did she charge you for it?

Tom (Pat): Well, see this scar where my arm used to be...?

> Pat: Nothing.

> Ranma: Nothing?

> Pat: Yup.

Joel: Very communicative, aren't they?

> Ranma: How'd you do that? She *never* gives away stuff for free.

Crow (Pat): I threatened to give her to Azusa.

> Pat: You seem to forget that I know Nabiki better than most people. We
> simply sat down and had a nice, rational chat, and out of the goodness of
> her heart, she gave it to me.

Joel (Pat): And then we went and had a picnic in the clouds while watching
    the trout fly by.

> Ranma: You blackmailed her, didn't you?

Joel (Pat): Yup, pretty much.

> Pat: [clears his throat] Not exactly. It's more like I bluffed my way
> through but, for all intents and purposes, I guess you could call it that.

Tom (Pat): *sob* I feel so ashamed!

> Ranma: [smiling] You know, I never thought I'd see the day when she'd get
> a taste of her own medicine. Good job, Pat!

Crow (Ranma): You and your little dog Toto have saved the day again!

> Pat: [mumbling] Thanks, but I feel guilty.

Joel: Just go have a few stiff drinks and it'll wear off; that always works
    for me.

> Ranma: Why?

Crow: 'Cause Stone Cold said so!

> Pat: Because I think of myself as being pretty honest. I don't like
> lying, even if I have to.

Tom: Whoo boy, is this fanfic ever gonna make Him go on a guilt trip!

> Ranma: Well, there is such a thing as being too honest, you know.

Joel: What, like telling your professor what really happened to that
    priceless oil painting that he'd locked in his car trunk?

> Pat: Oh, this from a guy who likes using sneaky moves when he fights.

Crow (Ranma): Oh, bite me.

> Ranma: Hey, it works.

> Pat: [sighs and rubs his temples.] This is gonna be a bit messier than I
> thought.

Tom (Pat): I *knew* I shouldn't have bought that land mine!

> I mean, I don't want to fight you, Akane, your friend Ukyo, or
> Shampoo.

Joel (Pat): But I'd absolutely *love* to beat the hell out of anyone else.

> What am I supposed to do, knock you or Akane out? I can't do that!

Crow: Sure you can! All you've gotta do is hit 'em real hard!

> If I win against Shampoo, you say that I'll have to marry her, and if I
> lose, I'm gonna feel like I lost to her on purpose.

Crow (Pat): Oh alas! Woe is me!

> Ranma: Well, you could always tie with her.

Tom (Pat): Tie the knot with her? I just *said* I didn't want to do that!

> Pat: I don't think that'll be possible for two reasons. First, she
> probably won't cooperate with me, as it's kinda hard to end a fight in a
> tie when you're trying to beat your opponent's brains out. Second, I
> don't think a tie's going to do much for school spirit.

Tom (Ranma): Naah, there's already a school uniform; I don't think a tie
would make much more difference.

> Hmm...wait a minute here.

Crow: What, is he leaving?
Tom: I doubt it...

> Ranma: What?

Joel: I said that there's a giant tarantula crawling up your leg.

> Pat: Well, according to the scriptures of her village...

Joel (Pat): ...as quoted in Hairspray 25:17...

> if she's defeated by
> a male outsider, she has to marry him. However, if she's defeated by a
> female outsider, she gives her the kiss of death, right?

Crow: Wow, you seen Ranma 1/2. You're *so* clever.

> Ranma: Well, yeah. I've experienced both of those.

Crow (Ranma): Most fun I've ever had!
Joel: Crow!

> Pat: So, technically, I'm not an outsider. We're both Chinese, and
> therefore, I don't have to worry about marrying her.

Tom: Unless, of course, "outsiders" means everyone that's not an Amazon.

> It's a stretch, I know, but I'll take what I can get.

Crow (Pat): Especially if it belongs to someone else!

> Ranma: You're lucky.

> Pat: How's that?

Tom (Ranma): Well, you can wiggle your ears. I can't.

> Ranma: Well, you found a loophole for your situation. I'm just stuck in
> mine.

Joel (Pat): Whoa, it really sucks to be you!

> Pat: Hey, it could be worse.

> Ranma: Really? How so?

Joel (Pat): I dunno, but I'll tell you when I figure it out!

> Pat: Well, your dad could have fixed you up with Akane, Nabiki, and
> Kasumi at the same time.

Crow: I don't know about you guys but, personally, I really wouldn't mind
    having that done to *me*.

> Ranma: Pat, even my dad's not stupid enough to have me commit polygamy.

Tom (Pat): Oh, and what's marrying you off to two different girls then,
    huh??

> He's close, but not quite.

> [That night, after dinner, the phone rings and Kasumi gets it.]

Joel (Kasumi): Hello, city morgue; we deliver.

> Kasumi: Hello? You're looking for Pat?

Crow (Kasumi): Well, I'm afraid he just had a slight accident involving a
    bulldozer...

> May I ask who's calling? I see.

Crow: Actually, you hear.

> Would you hold on for a moment, please?

Tom (Kasumi): Please, I beg you!

> [calls out] Pat!

Joel (Kasumi): You didn't put the forks back... YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!

> Pat: [runs down the stairs] Yes?

Crow: Yes, mistress?

> Kasumi: There's someone on the phone who wants to talk to you.

Tom (Kasumi): He said he represented the I.R.S...

> Pat: [thinking] Who could know I'm here?

Crow (Pat): I'm sure I changed my name on all those forged documents...

> [to Kasumi] Who is it?

Joel (Kasumi): Satan.

> Kasumi: It's someone named Beth. She says she's your sister.

All: NOOOOO!

> Pat: [ashen] Did you say Beth, my sister?

Crow (Kasumi): No, I said Queen Elizabeth the First, weren't you listening?

> Kasumi: That's right. Is something wrong?

> Pat: [clears his throat, but he's still flustered] Uh, well, I'll explain
> it later.

Tom (Pat): Unless of course I've left the country by then.

> [thinking] "Into the jaws of death rode the three hundred."

Joel: Three hundred what? Fleas? Flies? Dentists? Details, man, we need
    details!
Crow: You know who said that "jaws of death" thing?
Tom: Who?
Crow: George Bush.
Tom: I thought it was Tennyson.
Crow: Yeah, well, he was quoting Bush.
Tom: How?
Crow: Hey, these writers are very clever guys, you know!

> [aloud] H-hello?

Crow: Hello!
Tom:    Hello!
Joel:    Hello!
All: HELLO!

> Beth: Pat, hi! Guess who it is?

Tom: Um... Elvis?

> Pat: [downhearted] Beth.

Tom: Death?
Joel: Beth is a fearful thing.
Crow: Actually, I've always thought Death was sorta cool...
Tom: I know, why don't we ask her to ask Shakespeare what he thought of
    Joel's joke?
Joel: Hey!

> Beth: [slightly sarcastic] Oh, don't get all excited, little brother.

Tom: "Little brother"? So if she's Death, does that make Pat the Sandman?
Joel: God, I hope not. Pat with nearly unlimited power we *don't* need.
Tom: Yeah, not to mention all those spin-offs...

> Anyways, I had some vacation time coming and I decided to check out how
> you were doing.

Crow (Beth): Yeah, I had nothing better to do than irritate the hell out of
    you; isn't that nice?

> And, I also have a little "care package" from Phil to deliver to you.

Joel (Beth): I think it's morphine.

> Pat: Why didn't you just mail it over?

> Beth: What, with the postal service so messed up?

Joel: Well, at least that part's accurate.

> I'd rather deliver it in person and keep an eye on you. [snickers]

All: WOLF ONE DOWN!

> Pat: Beth! I'm sixteen!

Tom: Ah, sweet sixteen.

> I don't need to be kept an eye on!

> Beth: Oh, this from a guy who blushes whenever he sees the slightest bit
> of female-

Crow (Beth): Yeah, you *embarrass* me!

> Pat: BETH! [turns bright red. Ranma and Akane look over at Pat as if to
> say

Crow: "He has the hots for his sister??"
Joel: CROW!

> "What's with him?"]

Joel: That's what *we* were wondering...

> Beth: Well, I'm staying at a nearby hotel. I'll meet you at your school
> tomorrow. Pleasant dreams. [chuckles]

All (Beth): *evilly* Heheheheh-Bwahahahaha!

> Pat: [hangs up the phone, shuddering] KYAAAAA! [regains his composure
> (somewhat)] Ahem.

Crow (British): Ahem; excuse me, old chap.

> Ranma: What was that all about?

Tom (Pat): That was some guy named Crys; he said he's gonna sue me for
    breach of copyright...

> Pat: [very embarassed] My older sister's in town. [thinking] God have
> mercy on me.

Tom: Hello, Pat? This is the Lord... bite me.

> Akane: Your sister? You never mentioned that you had an older sister.

Joel (Pat): Well, if I'd given it away beforehand, no one would've bothered
    to read this fic.
Tom: And this would be a bad thing?
Joel: Well... no.

> Pat: Believe me, Akane, if you had an older sister like Beth, you'd never
> mention her to anyone!

Crow (Pat): Except possibly a hitman.

> Akane: Why, what's wrong with her?

Tom (Pat): Well, she *used* to be my brother...

> Pat: [represses another shudder] She embarasses me. She simply delights
> in embarassing me.

Crow (Pat): She once put sulphuric acid in the washing machine when I was
    doing my laundry.

> She practically lives to make me blush like there's no tomorrow.

> Akane: Oh, come on. She can't be that bad.

> Pat: [laughs ruefully] You don't know her. Ever since I turned 13, she's
> been...slipping stuff in various places.

Tom: Oh, thanks. I don't suppose you could be a bit more *vague*?

> Ranma: Stuff?

Joel (Ranma): Wasn't that a movie?

> Pat: Well, there was the occasional Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue
> dropped casually in my lap from behind. There was also the Playboy
> strategically placed on my bed. I still get the shudders when I remember
> the Penthouse oh so innocently placed under my pillow. Finally, there was
> the Victoria's Secrets catalog carefully folded within the confines of my
> bath towel...

Crow: I like her already.

> Ranma: I get the point.

Tom: So shut up already!

> Akane: Your sister is....weird.

Crow: Believe me, if I had a sister I'd love for her to be "weird".

> Ranma: And how old is she?

Joel (Pat): She's seven... I still don't know how she manages to buy all
    that stuff.
Tom: Maybe she just looks old for her age.

> Pat: She's 22, and she always calls me either "little brother" or "baby
> brother," or if she's in a particularly malicious mood, "diaper breath."

Crow (Pat): ...and I swear that I just stopped wearing them last year!

> She also can be a little...indiscreet.

> Akane: Indiscreet?

Crow (Pat): She's a mean-spirited bitch who'll never get laid and I hate
    her guts.
Joel: Crow...
Crow: What?? That was hardly explicit!

> Pat: All right, so she can be a sharp-tongued shrew!

Tom: If there were any useful quotes in "Taming of the Shrew" I'd probably
    be making overzealous Shakespeare fanatics scream for my hydraulic
    fluid right about now...

> Ranma: Oh boy. [pats Pat's shoulder reassuringly.] And I thought I had
> troubles!

Joel: Somehow, Ranma talking as though Pat is worse off than him just
    doesn't ring true...

> Pat: Gee, thanks. [takes a deep breath]

> Well, my best chance of avoiding
> her is to get to school really early and leave just as early.

Joel (Akane): But shouldn't you... *stay there* for a while first?

> Maybe then, I can spare myself abject humiliation.

Tom: Yeah, but you'll increase your bus fare!

> Akane: Pat, she's your sister! She's the only sister you have!

Tom (Akane): You should bow down before her and kiss the ground she walks
    on!

> Pat: She may be the only sister I have, but if I could, I'd ask, no, beg,
> the Creator to trade her for a much sweeter person.

Tom: Pat, this is God again. I've said it once if I've said it a thousand
    times: go to hell.
Crow: Pat, this is Satan. Sorry, but we don't want you either.
Joel: But I believe Saban have a job offer for you...

> Kasumi: Oh, come on. She sounded so nice over the phone.

Crow: Yeah, that's it, blame the phone!

> Pat: To paraphrase the Joker, [does a Jack Nicholson imitation] "Wait'll
> you get a load of her!"

Joel (Pat): She ways 658 pounds!
Crow: Y'know, to paraphrase Hamlet, I wonder "whether tis nobler in the
    mind to suffer the slings and arrows of this outrageous fanfic or to
    just burn it."

> [later that evening, Pat is feverishly typing his letter home.]

> Pat: [voice over] Dear Phil, this is going to be a brief letter. 

Crow (Pat): You are a *dead* man. Pat.

> WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BETH WAS COMING OVER?

Joel (Pat): And for that matter, why didn't you tell me that the *house*
    had burned down?

> Everything was going just fine over here until she just called.

Tom (Pat): But since I learned the sad news I've been unable to stop
    crying.

> Oh, sure, I had to bluff my way with Nabiki to
> get something, but that was nothing compared to my shock when our dear
> sister just calls me up.

Crow (Pat): (shouts) AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAAAAUUULT!

> [takes a couple of deep breaths] Okay, I'm done
> with my ranting, raving and hyperventilating.

Joel (Pat): But not with my whining or complaining.

> Anyways, nothing much happened
> except that I was practicing with Ranma for the contest on Friday. Oh, by
> the way.

Crow (Pat): I wet my bed yesterday... and here I thought I was over it.

> I finally managed to perfect that defensive technique I've been
> working on. It looks pretty cool, and it works great.

Tom (Pat): Except against heavy artillery.

> I'll show it to you
> when I get home (that is, if I'm still sane by then). Later, Pat.

Tom: What, is his brother named Pat too?
Joel: Phil.
Tom: Fill what?
Joel: Never mind.

> [cut to the next day. Pat, Akane, and Ranma are walking to school.

Crow: ...when a truck suddenly runs over them.

> Pat has discreetly sandwiched himself between Akane and Ranma, fearing
> the worst.]

Tom (Pat): I think I peed in my pants...

> Pat: See her yet?

> Akane: This is kinda silly.

Crow (Akane): We don't even know what she look like!
Tom (Pat): Sorta like Margaret Thatcher, only younger and meaner.

> She's your sister!

Joel (Akane): For the love of God, boy, show some backbone!

> Pat: That's exactly why she gets to me! If she were a stranger, it
> wouldn't bother me half as bad.

Joel: What, a total stranger throwing porn magazines at you *wouldn't*
    bother you?

> But, she's my sister, and she always will be.

Crow (Pat): So I should really try to get over her, for our love is not to
    be.
Joel: Crow...
Crow: Hey, Luke Skywalker did it!

> [shudders] Geez, I'm depressed.

Tom: Well, I'd prefer it if you were *pressed* into the nearest wall, but
    have it your own way.

> Ranma: She must be pretty intimidating looking to reduce you to a
> spineless jellyfish.

Crow (Ranma): As opposed to that rare african spined jellyfish.

> Pat: No, she's only 5'4, but she's very, very feisty. I once commented on
> how tall I was. You know what she said?

> Ranma and Akane: What?

Crow (Beth): Sure, but your "cannon"'s a midget.
Joel: CROW!

> Pat: She said that she could reach all she needed to.

Crow: Well, that too.

> [they reach the gates of Furinkan High School.] Any sign of her, yet?

Tom (Ranma): Well, is that her signature burnt into the cement there?

> Ranma: No, but we don't even know what she looks like.

> Pat: You'll know.

Joel (Pat): If I suddenly blanch with terror, it'll probably mean she's
    around.

> She'll be a short girl waving around a dirty magazine
> just to embarass me.

Crow (Pat): Though being embarrassed by that sort of thing is already far
    more embarrassing than *anything* she could do to me.

> Akane: You know, I think Shampoo would like her. They both seem so...
> uninhibited.

Tom: Read: I wish *I* were like them.

> Pat: Well, she does have morals. They're just not immediately evident.

Tom (Pat): Yup, I've never seen 'em, and I've lived with her all my life!

> [looks around and sighs with relief] She's not here. I'm in the clear!

Crow: ...for a few lines anyway.

> [cut to lunchtime. Pat's still so nervous about his sister, he's shaking.

Joel: Next time get de-caf!

> Buying his lunch, he plows into Kuno, spilling his lunch all over him.

> Pat doesn't even spare a look backward.]

Tom: ...and so He fails to see Kuno's bokuto being jabbed between His
    vertebrae.

> [cut to the end of school. Pat is, once again, huddled between Ranma and
> Akane.

All: C-C-C-C-COOOOLLLLD!

> However, his effort's in vain as...]

Crow: ...the sky falls on his head anyway.

> Beth: [waving a rolled-up magazine] Hey, "baby brother!"

Joel (Beth): I've got your latest issues of "Weiner Magazine" and "Self
    Insertion God-Boy Illustrated" here!

> Pat: [literally jumps out from between Ranma and Akane and starts
> sprinting]

Tom: And he's crossing the finishing line... OH MY GOD! 9:83 seconds! A NEW
    WORLD RECORD!

> GYAAAA!

> Beth: [catches up with him] Oh, come on over here, ya big baby!

> Pat: [resigned, facing Beth] Aheh. Hi.

All (Pat): MOMMY! HELLLLP!

> Beth: [cocky] Hi, yourself.

Crow: ...cutie pie!

> You weren't trying to run away from me, now were you?

Tom (Beth): And if you say yes...

> Pat: Well, the thought had occurred to me.

Tom (Beth): Oh, that's it! Which kneecap would you prefer for me to break
    first?

> [Ranma and Akane are in shock. Beth is definitely shorter and more petite
> of build than Pat.

Joel: ...but she carries a big stick.

> However, this is the terror that

Crow: ...flaps in the night?

> frightens the 5'6 lean Pat into a frenzy.]

> Akane: This...is your sister?

Tom (Pat): No, even worse... It's my third grade teacher.

> Pat: [trembling] What do you think?

Tom: Well, that you should be dragged out into the... No wait, you weren't
    talking to *us*, where you?

> Beth: [waves cheerfully] Hi!

Crow (Beth): Hee hee! I'm on a perpetual sugar rush! Isn't that *great*?

> [just then, Kuno, cleaned up, approaches Pat & co.

Joel: Hello, we're Pat and Company Incorporated and we produce quality
    doormats, weenies, weasels and other irritants!

> He looks rather disturbed (in more ways than one)]

Joel: What, more than usual?

> Kuno: Gaijin...

Crow (Kuno): I've been having these... disturbing dreams about you...

> Beth: [icily] What did you say?

Tom (Kuno): Hey, I wasn't talking to you, wench! I was talking to Il
    Castrato there!

> Kuno: Who are you?

> Beth: [sarcastically] What's it to you?

Joel (Kuno): Saaay, 5000 yen? For a hundred grand more, I'll also allow you
    the privilege of dating with me.

> Kuno: What matters is that he has, again, offended my honor!

Crow: He offended Judge Ito?

> [to Pat] I am glad that you are in the contest Friday. You can die
> conveniently, then.

Tom (Kuno): Yes, for if you weren't then I'd actually have to go to the
    trouble of killing you mysel... Hey, wait a minute!

> Beth: Hmph. Honor, or ego?

Tom: Mostly ego, with a dash of stupidity.

> No one lays a hand on my brother...Except me.

> Kuno: [annoyed] Who is this...woman?

Joel: Typhoid Mary, why?

> Pat: [takes the opportunity to introduce them] Ah, Beth, this is Kuno.
> Kuno, Beth. He happens to be the captain of the kendo team. (hint, hint)

Crow (Beth): Oh, yeah; the guy you said Ranma has the hots for.

> Beth: I've heard of you...[smirks]

> Kuno: Really? How so?

Tom (Beth): Pat was laughing about how your even more pathetic than him.

> Beth: So, you're the guy who needs to get a *real* sword.

Crow: Oh, is *that* what they're calling it nowadays?

> Kuno: [frustrated] Why, you---! If I do not have qualms against fighting
> the fairer sex---

Crow (Kuno): ...then I can kill you?

> Beth: What kind of qualms?

Crow (Kuno): My mother had a sex change and became my father when I was
    three... I've had this fear of women ever since and this is the
    only way I can hide it.

> Losing your pants in a fight? [grins evilly]

> [Ranma and Akane are watching this conversation, much like one watches a
> tennis match.

Joel: With strawberries and cream?

> Ranma is expecting Kuno to go berserk while Akane is impressed
> with her repertoire.]

Tom (Akane): My God, she knows so many *words*! It makes me feel so
    *insignificant*!

> Pat: [to Beth] Beth, this is not a good idea. He's been known to fly off
> the handle.

Crow: ...and then splatter on the ground messily when he crashes.

> Beth: You don't say... [Pat can see the gleam in her eyes]

Tom: I'd say He can more likely see the reflections of the Steamroller
    that's about to squash Him.

> Pat: [to himself] Uh-oh. Kuno's had it.

> Beth: Do you know the meaning of the word "no?"

Joel (Kuno): I believe it's the opposite of "yes". Next question?

> Kuno: [puzzled] What do you mean?

Tom (Beth): You know, the definition, purport, sense of the word?

> Pat: [inwardly groans] Kuno, you'd better just stop talking to her right
> now, because...

> Kuno: SILENCE! [waves his bokken at Pat]

Crow: Hey, what did the air ever do to you?!

> Pat: Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Joel (Kuno): "I didn't warn you". Nyaaaa!

> Beth: Well, do you?

> Kuno: Of course I do! I'm not stupid, you know.

All: *snort*
Tom: That's like Pat saying "I'm not nearly perfect and completely
    irritating", isn't it?

> Beth: [to Akane] Say something with the word "no" in it. Try something
> you've always wanted to say to him.

Crow (Akane): Okay... Upperclassman, you *know* that I... d'oh!

> Akane: Oh, I couldn't...

Joel (Akane): Yeah, I've already eaten too much!

> Beth: Of course you could. Go on, say something.

Crow (Beth): I dare you!

> Akane: [takes a deep breath] Upperclassman Kuno, there is *no* way I'm
> going on a date with you, even if you were the last man on earth!

Tom (Akane): Aaaah, it's so much *fun* lying through my teeth!

> Kuno: [sniffs, then turns on Beth] You did this to her, you...

Joel (Kuno): Hmmm, let's see... "sorceress"? "Witch"?
Crow: That sounds about right.

> Beth: [tapping Kuno with the rolled-up magazine] Down, boy. Sit! Roll
> over! Play dead!

Crow (Beth): Strip! Get into bed with me! Please me!
Joel: Crow...

> Pat: [to himself] I don't know who to feel more sorry for, me or Kuno.

Tom: Um, isn't *Kuno* the one getting his ass whipped?

> Kuno: I have had enough of this! [raises his bokken]

Crow: ...to call down the prerequisite thunder and lightning before getting
    thrashed.

> Beth: [sighs, then whaps Kuno over the head with the magazine. She
> finishes up by kicking him right where it counts.] I said *down*, boy!

Crow (Beth): No, *further* down...
Joel: CROW!

> Kuno: [bent over] ..... [collapses]

Crow (Kuno): Oh, that just wore me out...
Joel: CROW! LAST WARNING!

> Pat: [to Kuno] I told you to quit while you were ahead. [to himself]
> Great, now I have to talk to her! I'm dead.

Crow (Pat): I'll just crawl under the nearest carpet and whine for a
    while...

> Ranma and Akane:...... [they're both bug-eyed at how easily Beth took out
> Kuno.]

Joel: Ah, I see that never losing runs in the family.

> Ranma: Were you ever into the martial arts?

Tom (Beth): Do you always start conversations this way?

> Beth: No, why?

> Akane: Wh-why? You just knocked out the school kendo champion!

> Beth: [looking down at Kuno] Really? He was a champion?

Tom (Akane): Actually, no. We were just curious to see your reaction.

> Ranma: Y'know, your brother did the same thing when he first came here.

> Pat: Yeah, well, I didn't let him have it in his nether regions, you
> know. I do have some standards.

Crow: Yeah. Low ones!

> Beth: Weenie.

All: YUP.
Joel: Y'know, I *already* like her better than Pat.

> Pat: I am not a weenie!

Joel: Yeah, calling Pat a weenie gives rat meat and old shoes a bad name.

> I just happen to think that you don't have to resort
> to kicking a guy in the... ahem, you know, to knock him out!

Crow: Well, in Kuno's case it'll work better than going for the head,
    seeing as he doesn't have anything *there*.

> Beth: Well, it works, doesn't it? [grins evilly]

> Kuno: [trying to get up, falsetto] I...

Joel (Kuno): (gets up) That didn't hurt! (pretends to fall over)

> Beth: Need to get a *real* sword!

Crow: Hey, shaddup! That's *our* job!

> Pat: You'd better quit while you're down, Kuno. It only gets worse from
> here on in.

Crow (Pat): Yeah, next time she'll Bobbit you...
Joel: CROW! Okay, brief time-out. Have fun, Tom... (gets up and grabs Crow)

> [Kuno collapses again.]

Tom: Alas, poor Kuno...

> Beth: [tosses the magazine to Pat] Oh, here little brother. This is for
> you.

Tom (Pat): Huh? "Soldier of Fortune"? But... this has guns and stuff in
    it...

> Pat: [catches the magazine and cautiously opens it] A video game
> magazine?

Tom (Beth): It's a special on the new Kekko Kamen game.

> Beth: What were you expecting?

(from out of shot): *thunk* *crack* *smash*

> Pat: Well, given your past record...

Crow (Out of shot): OW!

> ah, never mind. [opens the magazine]

Tom (Pat): Hey, this is just "Time" with a different cover on it! How dare
    you try to educate me about current affairs!

> Beth: Oh, there's a nice poster in the middle.

(from out of shot): **crack* *tinkle tinkle*
Crow (Out of shot): HEY! WHAT'RE YOU... AAAGH!

> Pat: [gets nervous] Really? [turns to the middle to find Miss September
> in all her glory] 

Tom: ...and immediately starts to drool.

> AWK! [immediately closes the magazine and starts shredding it]

Tom: This'll be perfect for kitty litter!
Joel (out of shot): Listen, you...

> How could you do this? And in front of my friends, yet? Well, friends
> and a jerk, anyways.

Tom (Pat): Yeah, how could you do this to me in front of me?
Crow (out of shot): Okay, okay! Uncle!

> [Beth is too busy laughing her head off for a coherent reply.

Joel (coming back into shot): So, are you going to do that again?
Crow (coming back into shot, meekly): No, sir. Oh, look someone's laughing
    hysterically after being in this fic too long. Again.

> Kuno's eyes
> seem to have gotten bigger as he spies the pieces of Miss September
> gently floating over him.]

Joel (Kuno): Beautiful Centerfold, I shall *date* WITH *THEE*!!

> Beth: You still haven't changed, little brother. You still go crazy
> whenever you see just a little bit of female...

Crow (Beth): Freak.

> Pat: BETH!

Tom (Pat): You will *die* for this!

> Ranma: Hey, I thought that you said that you couldn't think of anything
> your family did to make you so embarrassed.

Crow: Yeah, well I believe that's known as a plot hole...

> Pat: Well, the last week and a half has been kind to me. I managed to
> forget all about her. [shudders] Until now.

Joel: Poor guy. He's slowly but surely breaking down. Bit by little
    agonizing bit...
All: *cheer loudly*

> Beth: [cheerfully] Next victim! So, you mind if I see where you've been
> living for the last week and a half?

Tom (Pat): Sure, I can show you the local psychiatric hospital any day!

> Akane: No.

> Ranma: Yes!

Crow: NO!
Tom: YES!
Crow: NO!
Tom: YES!
Crow: NO!
Joel: Okay, stop Zodiacing already.

> Pat: GYAAAA! [regains his composure] Umm, it's just your average martial
> arts school.

Tom: Except for the two headed, four-eyed green aliens from Betelgeuse
    who're running around.

> [to Akane] Sorry about that.

> Beth: CHICKEN! [starts clucking, then inadvertantly steps on Kuno]

Crow: *crunch* Oh, look, I stepped in something!

> Kuno: [falsetto] Ouch.

> Pat: Sis, it's bad enough you beat him, do you have to walk all over him?

Crow (Beth): But I *like* doing that to men!

> Beth: I thought I stepped in some kind of scum. [removes her foot] Let me
> know when your voice returns to normal, whenever that is.

Tom (Kuno): Ah, you have such a fiery spirit. I would date with...!
    *crunch*

> Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Now you know why I freaked out. Any more
> questions?

Crow: What's the square root of pi?
Tom: How many beans make five?
Joel: What's the meaning of life?
Bots: 42.

> Ranma: Are you sure she's related to you? She doesn't seem a bit like
> you.

Tom (Ranma): Yeah, she's *much* too cool to be your sister!

> Pat: Yes, she's related. Various tests have proved that, sadly.

> Beth: [whaps him playfully on the head.] Stiff.

Crow: What, Pat's a zombie?
Tom: Naah, corpses trying to eat your brain are much less irritating than
    Pat.

> [The four of them start walking home. Kuno struggles to get up, but is
> still bent over ninety degrees.

Tom (Kuno): Oooh, my back...!

> Beth shoots a look over her shoulder, and Kuno plays dead.]

Tom: Well, he's already brain dead, so it can't be *that* hard...

> *********************************************************
> [They enter the house, where Kasumi is making some tea.]

Joel: Hopefully toadstool-flavoured.

> Akane: ...and this is the house. That's about all there is. [the group is
> greeted by the squeals of P-chan.

> Akane picks him up and hugs him in the usual way.]

Crow: Right to her... nice... soft.. bosom... aaaah.
Joel: Crow!
Crow: Whoops. Sorry.

> P-chan, this is Beth, Pat's sister.

> Beth: Cute pig.

Crow (Beth): ... can I make a tennis racket out of him?

> Is it a he or a she?

Joel (Akane): Neither.

> Akane: It's a he.

> Beth: [playfully] Figures.

Joel: Ah, it seems that being able to get three quarters of the way to
    figuring out all the mysteries of the series *also* runs in the family!

> [The comment flies right over Akane's head, but P-chan seems a bit
> peeved.

Tom (P-chan): How *dare* she insinuate that I have a thing for Akane... D'oh!

> He starts squealing at Beth much like the time he squealed at Pat.]

Crow: Is he bi?

> Akane: You want to hold him?

> Beth: Sure, why not? [Akane hands over P-chan to Beth.

Crow: ...and he immediately jumps on her and starts gouging her eyes out.

> P-chan seems to
> be sweating in the presence of this strange girl, and with good reason.]

Tom: Because she just *loves* pork...

> So, how long have you had him?

> Akane: Oh, a couple of months.

Tom (Beth): What, and you're *still* fattening him for the slaughter?

> Beth: [while playing with P-chan] Have you ever considered getting him,
> y'know, fixed?

Joel (Akane): But he works perfectly!

> [Ranma, Pat, and P-chan turn pale at the thought.

Crow: They're thinking "but that way we'll never be able to..."

> P-chan starts struggling in Beth's arms]

Tom (Beth): Oooh, ooh, ooh! It feels good!
Crow: Tom! Joel, he's stealing my shtick!

> Beth: It was just a thought. [laughing] Look at your faces. You'd think
> a man was getting castrated or something.

Joel: Gee whiz, isn't she clever.

> [Ranma and Pat breathe a sigh of relief, but P-chan is still unnerved.]

Tom (P-chan): I think I'm going to have to go on a long training journey
    again soon...

> [Beth gives the piglet back to Akane, after giving him a little squeeze.

Joel (Beth): I'll wait for you, my love!
Crow: Joel, not you too!

> A large panda comes lumbering in and casually seats himself at the
> table.]

Tom: ...and Beth immediately turns around and leaves.

> Kasumi: Oh, how was your walk, Mr. Saotome?

Crow (Kasumi): Are you ready to go back to your nice padded cell yet?

> Panda: [sign] Oh, it was all right. Could I have some tea, please?

Joel (Panda): Just a slice, preferably.

> Kasumi: Certainly. [pours him a cup]

> Beth: [to Pat] Who's he?

All: A PANDA!

> Pat: Well, it's a long story.

> Beth: Shorten it.

Tom (Pat): Okay: Once upon a time. The end.

> Pat: Okay. This is Ranma's father, Genma Saotome.

> Beth: Yeah, right. And boys can turn into girls, right?

Crow: Well, if they undergo a certain operation, sure...

> [Ranma starts twitching uncomfortably.]

> Beth: What's with you?

Joel (Ranma): My hemorrhoids are acting up.

> Ranma: Uh, well, [clears his throat] not under normal circumstances,
> but... [trails off]

Tom (Ranma): D'oh! *Why* did I just say that...?

> Beth: [looks at Ranma] But...?

> Ranma: But...[starts sweating profusely.] Pop, help me out here!

Crow (Panda): You have to promise to marry Akane first, boy!

> Panda: [sign] Well, what am I supposed to say? She's got you cornered.

> Akane: ...just like Pat, right?

Tom: Actually, she hasn't just got Pat "cornered"...she's got Him
    groveling on His hands and knees.

> Ranma: Well... [gives Pat a "help!" look]

Crow: In return, Pat gives Ranma a "bite me!" look.

> Pat: Well, let's just say that circumstances occurred to give Mr. Saotome
> a coat of fur.

Joel (Pat): He was the offspring of Leia and Chewie.

> Beth: [disbelieving tone] You don't say...

Crow (Beth): Uh-huh, *sure*. Next you'll say pro wrestling is fake.

> [pauses] So, how did it happen?

Tom (Pat): Well, one day his body was crushed under a falling boulder and
    they just *couldn't* find anywhere to put the brain...

> Pat: Well...magic.

> Beth: Magic?

Crow (Beth): How many times must I tell you there is *no such thing* as
    magic?

> Pat: What else can I say, sis?

Joel (Beth): Well, you could say the truth.

> Beth: [shrugs] Why not?

Tom: Aside from the obvious, you mean?

> [to Panda] What'd you do, pick on a witch?

Joel (Panda): Well, there was this little girl named Chacha...

> Panda:...

Crow: I don't believe it! The panda is speechless!

> [Ranma sighs, relieved that the attention's been switched from him to the
> Panda.]

Tom (Ranma): I knew pop would come in useful someday!

> Pat: [changing the subject] Well, I don't know about you but, I need a
> break from all this constantly thinking about the contest.

Crow: Ah, afraid that you'll lose, huh?
Tom: Somehow, *I'm* afraid that won't happen in this lifetime...

> Is there anything, well, fun in this town?

Crow (Ranma): Well... we can throw boulders at little old ladies.

> Ranma: You've been in this town for almost two weeks and you don't know
> what's fun?

Joel (Ranma): What *have* you been doing? Hanging out at the library?

> Pat: I mean, other than eating at the Nekohanten or breaking up fights
> between you and...whoever.

Tom (Ranma): Actually... I don't know. Eat and fight is about all I've ever
    done here...

> [Ranma and P-chan start giving dirty looks to each other.]

Crow (Ranma): Here, look at this one. It's a vintage '89 model, I've have
    it for several years...

> Akane: Well, there's the indoor skating rink.

> [Both Ranma and the pig's eyes start bugging out.]

Joel: They're about to pop!
Bots: Yuck!

> Ranma: [glares at Akane] Akane, do you remember what happened the last
> time we went ice skating?

Tom (Akane): Well, you got a boyfriend...

> Akane: As I recall, you *did* learn how to skate.

> Ranma: Yeah, and I also got...[remembers that Beth's there]

Crow (Ranma): uh... cold...

> into a fight with that playboy, Mikado Sanzenin.

> Beth: [to Pat, whispering] Boy, you weren't kidding. He really does get
> into a lot of fights.

Joel: She must be really smart if she can figure out that he gets into a
    lot of fights from hearing about one of them...

> Pat: [whispering back] Tell me about it.  [to Ranma] Oh, c'mon, Ranma.
> The guy's probably not even there.

Tom: But if he weren't there, Pat would never be able to beat him, and we
    all know what a tragedy *that* would be!

> Besides, it's the middle of spring. There won't be that many people
> there.

Crow (Pat): Yeah, be a *man*, you lily-livered coward!

> Ranma: Well....[thinks for a while] you're probably right.

All: YEAH, RIGHT.

> Pat: [smiling] No, I'm definitely Pat.

Joel (Ranma): And whoo-boy, do I ever pity you for it!
Crow: Pat, noun: A really irritating little insect that crawls under your
    skin and insinuates itself into your life, leeching off you and making
    you feel really, really nauseous.

> Beth: [smacks him across the back of his head] Bad joke.

Tom: Strange, that's exactly what we think of this fic...

> Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Anyway, do either of you want to come along?

> Ranma: Sure. Someone's got to keep you out of trouble.

Crow (Pat): I am rubber you are glue!

> Pat: [frowns] Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. What about you,
> Akane?

Tom (Akane): No, I have to stay home and watch the paint dry. But thanks
    for asking!

> Akane: Why not?

> Beth: [curious] So, what's there to do at the skating rink?

Crow: Well, you can skate.

> Ranma: [thinks] I'm definitely going along if she's going. I'd like to
> see how Mikado Sanzenin deals with her.

Crow: Um... badly?

> [to Beth] Oh, nothing much.

> Beth: Oh. Then I guess I'll grab a magazine on the way there, and keep
> someone out of trouble.

Joel (Pat): And what would you know about keeping out of trouble?

> [looks at her younger brother pointedly]

> Pat: BETH!

Tom: What was her name again? "Mary"? "Christine"? "Jane"?

> Beth: Don't you "Beth!" me! You almost got whacked by someone who needed
> a real sword, remember?

Crow: Yeah, he wasn't very good in bed...

> [Ranma snickers.]

Tom: I prefer Twix personally...

> Pat: For your information, I didn't get whacked--

Joel (Pat): I might have gotten completely plastered, but I didn't get
    whacked.

> Beth: That's 'cause I whacked him first!

> Pat: No, you didn't! [murmurs] I'm not really proud of it, though.

Crow: Can someone please explain to me what the hell they're talking about?
    I don't recall any fight between Kuno and Pat actually *breaking out*
    since Beth arrived...

> [Beth looks away in disgust.]

> [Several arguments/discussions later, Ranma, Akane, P-chan, Pat and Beth
> are on their way to the skating rink. Along the way, Beth buys a
> Cosmopolitan and starts to show a particularly embarassing article to her
> brother.

Crow: The three page fold-out spread on Sailor Moon!

> He
> reacts by looking the other way, blushing, and clearing his throat

Tom: ...and having a brain hemorrhage.

> in that
> order. They arrive at the rink. Pat notices several workmen filling a
> pool outside the rink.]

Crow: ...with human blood.

> Pat: [to one of the men] Isn't it a bit early to be going swimming?

Joel (workman): Naah, this is here just to drown irritating God-boys.

> Man#1: Well, it's been so warm lately that the boss told us to start
> filling it up.

> [Pat shrugs his shoulders.

Crow: ...and they immediately fall off onto the ground.
Tom: What else was He supposed to shrug, anyway? His hairline?

> The group works its way inside.

Crow: Nice figure of speech there...

> As predicted,
> there are very few people around.

Joel: ...but by some strange quirk of fate, every one of them hates Ranma and
    will get into a fight with Pat within three seconds.

> On the rink we see a couple working on
> some of their moves, along with a few loners.

Tom: ...who are polishing gun barrels feverishly and muttering darkly under
    their breath.

> Everyone except P-chan and
> Beth go to the front desk to get their skates.]

Joel: Yeah, P-chan and Beth go to the *back* desk.

> Akane: Would you mind holding on to P-chan? [hands the pig to Beth.]

Crow: Who eyes him hungrily...

> Beth: Okay. [sits down at a table and starts reading her magazine with P-
> chan on her lap.

Tom: Wouldn't it get dyed blood red within seconds?

> The latter is understandably scared stiff about this weird girl.

Crow (P-chan): She causes these strange feelings in me...

> Feeling his tension, she absent-mindedly pats him on the head.]

Joel: In response, he bites her arm off at the elbow.

> Don't worry, I'm not a vet. [P-chan relaxes slightly.]

Tom (Beth): But I like a good pork chop...

> [Everyone returns with their skates and start putting them on. After they
> cruise around the rink, they see a disturbing sight:

Crow: Marlon Brando, naked.

> the male half of the couple turns out to be...]

Joel: Superman?
Tom: Brian Mulroney?
Crow: Fabio?
Joel: The Pope?
Tom: Elvis?
Crow: Torgo?

> Ranma: Uh-oh.

> Pat: What?

Crow (Ranma): I don't feel so good...

> Ranma: It's that guy over there. That's Mikado Sanzenin.

> Pat: Who's he?

Tom (Ranma): I told you, he's that guy over there.

> Ranma: He's the guy who...[whispers in his ear].

Joel (Pat, shouted): WHAT'S THAT? HE *KISSED* YOU?!

> Pat: Ah. [looking over in Beth's direction.] It looks like he's headed in
> Beth's direction.

> Ranma: This should be interesting.

> Pat: You could say that.

Crow (nonchalant): Popcorn, anyone?

> [Mikado is gliding his way over to Beth's table, where she's reading her
> magazine. He hops off the ice

Crow (Mikado): *krunch* Oh damn, my knee!

> and heads over to her.]

Tom: Following the sweet scent of porn magazines.

> Mikado: [oozing charm] Excuse me, but haven't we met before?

Joel: How original.

> Beth: [peering over the top of her magazine] Should we have?

Crow (Mikado): Of course! I am the Gold Thunder of Kolkhoz High, "Emperor"
    Mikado Sanzenin!
All: *applause*

> [switch to Pat and Ranma's point of view.]

> Pat: [in a Harry Carey voice]

Tom: Hairy Carrie? The secret dark side of Princess Leia?

> Here's the pitch...[Mikado is trying to sweet-talk Beth] the windup...

> [Beth grabs Mikado by the shirt front. It looks like
> the two are about to kiss at any moment.

Crow: Then she rips off his privates and stuffs them into his mouth.
Joel: *winces*

> Then, rude reality, in the form of Beth's magazine, hits.

> She smacks him hard with her magazine.] and it's a
> foul ball for Mikado! [Ranma and Akane start laughing their heads off.]

Joel: Laughing, at that?
Tom: They must be under the influence of evil magic.
All: Dispell! Dispell! Dispell! Dispell!

> [Beth nonchalantly returns to her magazine. She puts P-chan on the table.
> He blushes because she's reading a particularly personal article.]

Crow: This time it's a three page, fold-out spread of *him*.

> Mikado: What's so interesting about that magazine?

Crow (Beth): What, other than naked bodies?

> Beth: It tells me how to deal with guys like you. I wouldn't want to take
> advantage of a baby.

Joel (Beth): Taking advantage of *you*, on the other hand, I have no
    problem with.

> Mikado: [surprised] A wha--?

> Beth: A baby. You look like you're still in high school.

> Mikado: Well, that may be. There is, however, a universal language.

Tom: Yeah, Esperanto.

> [tries to kiss her again.]

> Beth: [disgusted] Oh, please.

Crow (Mikado): Ah, you beg me for more!

> [switch back to Pat's point of view]

> Pat: I don't believe it. He's going after her *again*.

Crow (Pat): I wish *I* could be that bold!
Tom: Well, with Miracle <censored> Growth Tonic, now you can!
Joel: Guys...

> Akane: So? She can take care of herself.

> Pat: Maybe so. [starts skating over to Beth and Mikado.

Tom: And slips up and lands on his face.

> The former is
> deftly avoiding the latter's lunges. Pat looks back at Ranma and Akane.]
> I can't let her have *all* the fun, can I? [smiles]

Joel: Oh no, it's grinning...
All: RUN AWAY!

> Beth: [beginning to show signs of irritation]

Crow: What, only now?

> Go away.

Tom: Strange, that's exactly what we want to tell Pat...

> Mikado: But I merely want to...apologize for my earlier behavior.

> Beth: You would use any excuse to kiss a girl, wouldn't you?

Crow (Mikado): And what's wrong with that??

> Mikado: Excuse is such a vulgar word. I prefer to use...opportunity.
> [leans over to kiss her.

Joel: Persistent, isn't he?

> Before he gets far, though, Pat hops off the ice and
> knocks Mikado's head several times.

Tom: Unfortunately, he does it with his feet and the aforementioned head
    gets split down the middle.

> The latter turns around.] Who are you?

Joel (Pat): From the outer reaches of Otaku-dom, I come... Ready to destroy
    evil, plot and characterization wherever they lurk... Ready to be nearly
    perfect and have ungodlike power and beat up everyone in sight... Fully
    prepared to make the "Most Hated" list of every fan fiction reviewer on
    the planet... I am... PAT! *drumroll*
Bots: *clap*

> Pat: [slightly smirking] Opportunity knocking.

Crow (Pat): Who's that knocking on my door?
Tom: Quoth the robot nevermore.

> May I ask what you're doing with my sister?

Crow (Mikado): What does it look like, you twit?!

> [Beth gives Pat a look that says, "Go away, I can handle myself."

> Pat raises an eyebrow as if to say, "Oh, really? Then how come you're in
> this mess?"]

Crow: ...and Beth raises a fist as if to say "Okay, that's it; now you
die."

> Mikado: Your sis--? [takes a good look at Beth] Ah, your younger sister,
> no doubt.

> Pat: [flabbergasted] My wha--? [Upon hearing this, Beth starts to fume.]

Crow (Scotty): Keptin, I canna do it! she's gonna blow!

> Mikado: [turns his back to Beth in order to face Pat.]

Tom: Aaah, ripe for stabbing.

> Well, look at you
> two. She's obviously the less experienced sibling. [Beth puts down her
> magazine and starts slowly creeping up to Mikado.

Joel (Pat): Ah, well. Rest in peace, Mikado. Bring me back some donuts from
    the afterlife.

> Pat tries not to notice.] I would like your permission to take her out.

Tom (Pat): Certainly. But have her home by midnight, young man!

> Pat: [thinking] This guy's a goner.

Joel: Hallelujah, brother.

> [to Mikado] There are two things you
> need to straighten out. First of all, she's my *older* sister.
> Secondly...

Crow (Pat): ...she has Herpes!

> [Beth grabs Mikado's pants and gives him a wedgie.]

> Mikado: [eyes bugging out] !!!!!!

Crow: Is that pronounced like the click in Xhosa?

> Pat: ...she doesn't need my permission for anything. [Ranma and Akane
> have been watching this scene with interest. P-chan is very surprised at
> how Beth deals with Mikado, and scoots to the edge of the table, almost
> falling off.]

Joel: If Shampoo were there, it could've been raining Cats and Pigs...

> Mikado: [recovering from the "assault"] You spoiled my chance at possibly
> kissing a girl. Nobody's ever done that!

> Pat: [somewhat cockily] Well, I'm not exactly nobody, you know.

Crow (Pat): Yeah, I'm even *less* important!

> Beth: [to no one in particular] I'm going outside. [irritably walks out,
> grabbing P-chan and her magazine.]

Joel (P-chan): Hey, what're you...! Bweee!!!

> [Mikado tries chasing after her, only to be persued by Pat. Beth halts in
> mid-stride, pivots on her heel, and

Crow: ...spins out of control ending up embedded three feet into the
    concrete.

> doesn't wait for Mikado to catch up to her. He does, with Pat close
> behind.]

> Beth: Go away!

Joel: Yeah, Pat! Listen to her!

> Mikado: Oh, come on. It'd be a real crime not to kiss a cute girl like
> you.

Tom: No, no, no, no, no. Writing this fanfic, now *that's* a real crime.

> Pat: Okay, that does it! You want to pester my sister, you're gonna have
> to go through me, first.

Crow (Mikado): Okay. *thunk* *splat* Have a nice day.

> Mikado: Is that a challenge?

> Pat: [slowly] What do you think?

Joel (Pat): Cause I'm not quite sure...

> Mikado: Fine. We fight next week at my school, Kolkhoz high.

Tom (Mikado): Be there or be square.

> Pat: No problem there. [thinking] Of course, I'm not going to be around
> next week, but he doesn't know that.

Crow (Pat): And, of course, being the fair competitor that I am I won't
    even *consider* telling him.

> [to Mikado] Would you care to discuss
> the rules on the rink? [goes into the ice.

Tom: "Into" the ice? Wouldn't that *hurt*?

> Mikado follows.] Now, let's get some things straight, shall we?

> Mikado: What is there to talk about? You challenged me, I accepted, and
> we fight next week. It will be a one-on-one skating match.

Joel (Mikado): The winner to be determined by an international panel of ice
    dancing judges.

> Pat: I see. [pauses] I was just wondering if we were going to be fighting
> by "hockey rules" or not.

> Mikado: [confused] "Hockey rules?"

Tom (Pat): We can beat each other to death with hockey sticks and slit each
other's throats with our skates.

> Pat: Well, if we were playing by "hockey rules," I'd be able to do *this*
> [knees him in the gut. Mikado bends over both hurt and surprised.] and
> *this*, [trips him] maybe a bit of this, [as Mikado gets up, Pat gives
> him a body check against the wall. The former crumples down. Mikado
> struggles to get back on his feet. Pat resumes his one-sided conversation
> (and fight) when Mikado is barely on his feet, pushing himself away from
> the wall.] and maybe just a teeny bit of this. [skates behind Mikado,
> somersaults over him, and, while in mid-air, grabs Mikado's shoulders.
> Landing, Pat flips his adversary so that the latter's back meets the ice,
> hard. Mikado is out cold. Pat skids to a stop.] Although, y'know, maybe
> that last part was a bit on the borderline, what do you think? [gets no
> response] Gee, you don't look so good. Maybe we should forget the whole
> thing. [still no response] I'll take that as a yes. [cheerfully] See ya!
> [skates over to where Ranma and Akane are.]

Crow: Well, that was fun.
Joel: Did either of you actually read that?
Crow: Naah, I was too busy watching the paint dry.
Tom: I was playing with this piece of lint.
Joel: So, He's better on the rink than Mikado, huh? Go figure.
Crow: Is there anyone He *hasn't* beaten up yet?
Tom: I don't think He's fought Saffron or Herb yet...
Joel: Careful what you wish for...

> Ranma: What was that all about?

Tom: That's what we'd like to know!

> Pat: Oh, nothing much. I challenged him, he accepted, and I was just
> explaining some rules to him.

Crow (Pat): Brutally.

> Akane: What kind of rules involve slamming him to the ice? Not that he
> didn't deserve every bit of it.

> Pat: I was just telling him what someone could do while playing by
> "hockey rules."

Tom: Hockey rules, where you can slug the opponent over the head with a
    puck.

> Ranma: "Hockey rules?"

> Pat: [smiling] It's an oxymoron.

Crow: Is he saying that he's a moron?

> There are very few things one can't do in hockey.

> Akane: [somewhat concerned] Pat, that was the most vicious I've ever seen
> you.

Crow (Akane): And I *love* it!

> Were you going to...?

Tom (Pat): Feed him to a starving lion? No, but I'll remember that idea for
    next time!

> Pat: [looks at her] Akane, I've already told you. I don't kill or maim.

Joel (Pat): Not badly anyway...

> [smirks] He'll be sore for about a month, but he'll be all right.

Tom (Pat): Relatively speaking.

> Besides, what am I supposed to do, let him try to kiss my sister?

Crow (Pat): Yeah, that's *my* job!

> Akane: She seems like she can take care of herself.

> Pat: [mumbling] Yeah, well. You know what?

Tom (Akane): Nope never met him. I know Who though.
Crow: You know Jim Neidhart?
Others: *groan*

> Ranma and Akane: What?

Joel (Pat): That's right, "What".

> Pat: Even though she drives me crazy, and even though she'll turn me gray
> before my time, she's still my sister.

Crow (Pat): "...and I love her." How's that for a cliche?

> This whole bit with Mikado wouldn't
> drive me half as crazy if it were someone I didn't know.

Tom: You don't know your own sister?

> Ranma and Akane: ......

Joel: ...are completely speechless. It must be an alternate universe.
Tom: Maybe they're ignoring him...

> [the three skate over to where Beth is waiting. Her mood seems to be that
> of irritation. They make their way off the ice.]

Crow: Can't be, Pat hasn't beaten Azusa yet.

> Pat: So, I guess you saw the whole thing, sis?

Tom (Beth): Yep, you're under arrest mister. Come with me...

> Beth: [slightly sarcastic] How could I miss it? [crosses her arms] Little
> brother, I can take care of myself, thank you.

Joel (Beth): For this horrible offense I will repossess your Twinkies.

> [Pat raises an eyebrow.] And
> don't give me that eyebrow bit! You didn't leave anything for me!

Joel (Beth): *whine* You're so mean!

> Pat: [while taking off his skates] Well, he's still over there by the
> wall, if you want to...

Tom (Pat): ...kick him a bit while he's down. It's a lot of fun...

> Beth: No, it's not worth it. [to herself] I'll get him later.

Crow (Beth): Yes... later... *evil laugh*

> [by this time, Ranma and Akane have replaced their skates with shoes, and
> are heading back to the front desk.

Crow: Their wonderful dream world recedes until it is but a distant memory
    as they come back to the cold, hard reality of their desk jobs...

> Mikado, supported by his skating
> partner, is almost dragged back to the table area.

Crow: He simply couldn't *bear* to part with the wall.

> She takes off her skates and

Tom: ...and a pungent odour suddenly fills the room.
All: *gag* *cough*

> puts her shoes on.]

All: *aaaahh*
Joel: Thank you, God...

> Pat: [spies a stuffed animal vending machine] Hey! Hold up, people! I'm
> just going to try my luck with this thing.

Crow: I don't think even an inanimate object would want to go out with Him.

> [The three stop while he inserts
> a coin and manipulates a claw-like apparatus to snag

Joel (grabs Crow's beak and holds it shut): .....

> an adorable stuffed panda.

Tom: Oh, how cute! I'd just love to rip it's head off and use it as a
    soccer ball.
Joel (lets go of Crow's beak): How'd Genma get in there, anyway?

> He lifts the panda out of the machine.

Tom: ...which immediately makes him better at it than most Japanese.

> Mikado's partner, helping him up, spies the panda and drops Mikado flat
> on his face.]

Joel: That'll make your hat fit funny...

> Girl: [squealing with delight

Crow: No wonder she likes P-Chan so much.

> while reaching for the stuffed panda] Jeanette! Jeanette!

Crow: If she named *me* Jeanette, I'd kill her...
Tom: Don't worry, Crow. You're not cute.

> Pat: [surprised] What the--? [she continues to reach for the panda, but
> he's dodging her every try.]

Crow: Until she goes for his nuts, that is.

> Akane: Oh, no...not her. Not Azusa Shiratori!

Joel: Chibi-Usa gone horribly wrong... Well, alright, maybe not... that's
    insulting Azusa.

> [puts P-chan in her jacket.]

Tom: Oh, she's *suffocating* him to save him from Azusa.

> Pat: Who? [continues to hold the stuffed panda out of her reach.] Hey,
> cut it out, will you?

> [to Akane] Who is this weird girl?

Tom: Delirium.

> Akane: [picking up P-chan] She collects cute things. And...

Crow (Akane): ...she's my girlfriend.

> Pat: And what? [by this time, Azusa has started trying to hit Pat with an
> ashtray. Pat sees this out of the corner of his eye and blocks her every
> time.

Joel: He can probably chew bubblegum, spit, whistle, talk, put His foot in his
      mouth and wash His teeth simultaneously.

> After about four or five tries, he grabs the ashtray out of her hand.]

Tom (Azusa): Hey, give Ashley back to me!
Others: *groan*

> Thanks, but I don't smoke. [flings the ashtray to another table]

Crow: Hey, careful with that thing!

> Akane: And she'll stop at nothing to get them.

Joel: She even aligned herself with the evil Dr. Banana once.

> Pat: Uh-huh. [Azusa has switched to a chair. Like before, Pat simply
> grabs it out of her reach. He puts it down and sits on it.] Thanks.

Tom: So she tears out a chunk of the wall and starts pounding on him with
    *that*...

> Azusa: ..... [heads for the table and picks that up.]

Joel: Suddenly, there's a snap, crackle and pop and her back just sort of
    *cracks* right down the middle...

> Pat: [sees what she's doing and sighs] Oh, boy. [his eyes narrow as Azusa
> goes for a swing. Before anyone else can react, he turns around and

Tom: ...falls on his face after his shoe explodes.

> grabs her arm. He says slowly,] Do you want to live?

Crow: Uh-oh... Shatner.

> [Azusa, shocked by his speed, she can only nod.]

> Pat: [slowly] Then put that thing down, *now*.

> [She does

Joel (Pat): *crunch* Ow! Not on my foot!

> and then resumes trying to get the panda.]

> Azusa: Give me Jeanette! Give me Jeanette!

Tom (Azusa): Or, or... or I'll whine at you again.
Crow: MOON WHINING IRRITATION!

> [As usual, she doesn't get it.

Tom: Yeah, but that's only "usual" in this one fanfic.
Joel: That probably depends on your definition of "doesn't get it"...

> Pat gets a mischievious inspiration. A slow,
> malicious smile crosses his face, leaving Ranma and Akane a little
> unnerved.

Crow (Ranma/Akane): Dammit, he's found a spine!

> That was a look they'd only seen on Beth.]

Tom: And could therefore only *improve* Pat's features.

> Pat: [gives the Panda to Beth] Hang on to this, will you, sis? I'll be
> back in a minute. [heads for the door and calls out] And if she goes for
> it, slug her!

Joel (Pat): Great, this way Beth can worry about Azusa and I can... RUN
    AWAY!

> [Mikado has regained consciousness by this time, and is staggering over
> to Beth. She looks at him with utter disgust.]

Crow (Jim Cagney): Mmmm you... dirty... rat!

> Beth: Oh, all right! You want a kiss?

All (Beth): YOU CAN'T HANDLE A KISS!

> [Mikado, having had the stuffing
> pounded from him, can only nod.] Then close your eyes and pucker up. [He
> does, much to the surprise of everyone present. However, Beth has other
> ideas.

Tom: She pulls out her portable rocket launcher with nuclear warhead...

> She puts the panda in front of her so that Mikado's kissing it. Upon
> disengaging his lips, he looks shocked.

Crow (Mikado): That's the best kiss I've ever had!

> She says pseudo-sweetly] Was it good for you, too?

Tom: I don't believe it... she's almost cool!
Crow: If I were capable of producing saliva, I'd be foaming at the mouth
    right now...

> [Everyone's straining to hold their laughter.]

Joel: *monotone* Hee hee hee.

> [At about the same time that this is going on, Pat's outside checking the
> depth of the pool.

Crow (Pat): Let's see... ah, there's just enough room to drown myself!

> The workmen have finished filling it and are gone for the day.]

Tom: Mighty convenient, isn't it?

> Pat: [mumbling to himself] Let me see now, 50 feet from the entrance to
> the rail, 10 foot drop, 12 foot deep water...

Joel: Pity he's not 6 feet under...

> [smiles] everything should work out
> just fine. [heads back inside to see everyone laughing at Mikado kissing
> a stuffed animal. He goes to Beth.] I'll take it back, sis.

Joel: You really *are* better than me!

> Beth: [hands it to him] It's all yours.

> Pat: [to Azusa] You want this?

> Azusa: Yes! It's so cuuuuute!

Crow: (cutesy) Yes, I want to hug it and kiss it for ever and ever! *blech*

> Pat: Okay, fine. [throws the panda outside.] Catch!

Tom: Yeah, but He only threw it two inches!

> Azusa: Wah! [runs out to catch it. Pat strolls after her, apparently in
> no real hurry. The panda goes sailing over the pool and, as she tries to
> catch it, finds herself precariously balanced on a rail. Pat finds her
> like this and looks at her. Then, he looks at the pool. Finally, he looks
> at the panda safely on the other side of the pool.]

Joel: So, He can aim perfectly 50 feet across a room, through a door and
    across a swimming pool. He must be the reincarnation of David.

> Whoa! [Pat slaps her hard on
> her back, sending her into the pool screaming.] Waaauuuughh! SPLASH!

Joel: Omigod, she's melting!
Tom: Maybe she fell in the Spring of Drowned Sugar and didn't tell anyone
    about it.
Joel: That would explain a lot.
Crow: Maybe she's the wicked witch of the far east?
Joel: That's insulting witches...

> Pat: [shouting] Atta girl! Go for what you want! Be assertive!

Tom: Starring Chris Farley as Pat the motivational speaker...

> [snickers
> to himself, then goes down to the pool. He nonchalantly picks up the
> panda on the other side.

Crow: Then slips and falls headfirst into the water.

> Ranma and Akane have just exited the rink, having heard
> the wail of a neurotic girl.

Joel: Usagi? Where?

> Pat strolls over to Akane, who's holding
> P-chan, and gives her the panda.] Here you go.

Tom (Pat): Just remember... *don't* cook that!

> Akane: [brightens] Thanks. [looks at Azusa splashing around] Don't you
> think you should do something about her?

> Pat: [sighs and looks bored] Do I have to?

Tom (Pat): Mommmmmm! Do I have to?

> [pauses] Oh, all right. [tosses a life preserver into the pool.]

Joel: Unfortunately, the life preserver *wilts* after He touches it.

> This wasn't exactly relaxing. I
> have to admit, though, [smirks] it was fun.

Crow: Look, He's trying to be cool.
Tom:  And failing miserably.

> [The group makes its way back to the Tendo house.

Crow: To find that it's been firebombed.

> They've made it just in
> time for dinner. Beth is somewhat surprised to see Kasumi cooking dinner
> and other domestic chores. Everyone (except Beth) gets seated.]

Tom: Beth loses the crucial match of Musical Chairs.

> Beth: Hey, how come she's doing all the housework?

Joel: Because she's a *woman*!

> Pat: [gets up] Uhh...sis, can we talk for a sec? [to everyone else] I'll
> be right back. [takes her to his/Ranma's room. The following conversation
> takes place in English.]

Joel: ...and is recommended for mature readers.
Tom: Wait, wasn't it supposed to be in Ranma's room?

> The reason why she's doing all the work is because [pauses]

Crow: For what, dramatic effect? Sorry, but it's no use in *this* fanfic.

> Mrs. Tendo died a couple of years back. There's no one else *to* do
> the job.

Tom (Pat): The maid quit last year.

> Beth: [somewhat amazed] You mean she actually put her life on hold just
> to keep the family together?

Crow (Beth): How could anyone *possibly* care more for others than for
    herself?

> Pat: Yeah. Y'know, with all the crazy things going on around here...

> Beth: [smirking] Like what's-his-name who needs a real sword?

Joel: Okay! Enough with that joke already! It's long since dead and buried!
Crow: You kidding? I think it's great grandchildren are gone too!

> Pat: Something like that. Anyways, it's nice to know that somebody's
> relatively normal in this place.

Tom: "Relatively" being the operative term...

> Beth: So, you're saying that you're weird. [grins]

Crow: So, *you're* saying that he's *normal*?

> Pat: No, I mean that, compared to her, I'm the second most normal person
> around here.

> Beth: Hmph. It's amazing.

> Pat: What?

Joel (Beth): Spider-Man.

> Beth: You're actually relaxed around me. Usually you'd be sprinting away
> from me.

Crow (Pat): Oh, sorry. Next time I'll be sure to remember.

> Pat: I tried that before. It didn't work. No, I'm just wary.

> Beth: Uh huh. [remembers something] Oh, by the way.

Tom (Beth): Mom and Dad died. I inherited all the money, but I'll give you
    a dime.

> [digs in her purse to
> reveal several books.] These are from Phil. [hands them to Pat.]

Crow (Pat): "The Art of Being Perfect", "How to be Godlike and Ungodly
    Irritating", "Lose your Faults in Thirty Days"...

> Pat: My sci-fi books!

Joel (Pat): And my starfleet uniform and Spock ears!

> I knew I forgot something when I packed my suitcase.
> [becomes wary] You didn't put anything in these, did you?

Tom (Beth): No, just a few slow-acting poisons that seep in through your
    pores...

> Beth: [looks skyward, semi-innocently] No... but, I *could* accomodate
> you. [glances over at Pat, smirking.]

Crow: Do it! Do it! Do it! Kill him!

> Pat: [to himself] I'm not taking any chances. [shakes the books and flips
> the pages, revealing several, uh, interesting pictures.

Crow (Pat): Oh, yuck! Bette Midler in bondage!

> Pat responds by groaning and by massaging his temples.]

Joel: Akane walks by and decided to help him by massaging him with her
    mallet.

> Ranma: [shouting from the parlor] Hey, Pat! Hurry it up, will ya? I'm
> starving!

Tom: Ranma, subtle hint: You really *don't* need to wait for Jesus jr. to
    get to the table...

> Pat: [calling out] I'll be there in a minute!

Crow: When people say that, it usually means they'll be there in a few
    hours...

> [They make their way back to the table. Beth notices that P-chan is
> absent.]

> Beth: Hey, where's your piglet?

Joel (Akane): In the sauce.

> Akane: Hmm? Well, I just put him down for a minute, and the next thing
> you know, he's gone.

Tom: He must be reporting to his contacts in the USSR.

> Beth: Sounds like he had a personal agenda.

Crow: Unless of course he got lost...

> Pat: [to himself] You don't know just *how* personal.

> [Just then, Ryoga enters. Beth notices his bandanna.]

Tom (Beth): My God, he has a *bandanna*! Do you know what *this* means?
Joel: Nope.
Tom (Beth): Well, neither do I.

> Beth: So, have you thought about getting P-chan fixed? I know this great
> vet back in the States.

Crow: He'll even install Windows 95 into your pig so you have to pay him
    return and see him more often!

> She even told me how they do it. [Ryoga turns pale as
> Beth goes into rather graphic detail on the procedure. Ranma is stifling
> his laughter as Pat is wide-eyed at the thought. Everyone else at the
> table seems to have had their appetites diminished considerably.] ...and
> eventually, it shrivels up to nothing with disuse.

Joel: Well, at least we didn't actually *hear* all of it...

> [Beth grins evilly. Ryoga keels over (gee, I wonder why? :-) )

Tom: He might have read too much of this fic.

> Beth glances over at him.] What's with
> him? You'd think that *he* was about to get--

Crow (Beth): Bobbited.

> Pat: AHEM! Thanks for the...uh, anecdote, sis. I think you've just killed
> everyone's appetite.

Joel: Yeah, with a stake dead center through the heart.

> Beth: It's the truth. That's how they do it. [smirks]

Tom (Beth): Discussing torture makes me high.

> Pat: Yeah, but did you have to describe it in such...detail?

> [By this time, Ryoga has recovered. He gets up, slightly annoyed.]

Crow: Just *slightly* annoyed? Next he'll sing a happy jig of brotherly
    love with Ranma!

> Ryoga: [slowly] Who *are*---

> Beth: [points to his bandanna] P-chan!

Crow: Actually, that should be "Who *is* P-chan". *tsk tsk tsk*
    Seriously...

> Ryoga: [thinking that she's pointing to him] WHAT?

Tom (Beth): I said "P-chan". Jeez, get your ears checked!

> [Ranma's eyes have now taken the shape of ping pong balls as he watches
> Ryoga and Beth

Joel: You mean they're actually... round?

> slack-jawed. Pat has just choked on his rice.]

All: *look at each other* Go, rice, go! Whoo!

> Pat: AK---[receives a sharp blow in the back from Ranma, relieving the
> former. Unfortunately, Pat has just spit his rice at Ryoga's face.] Uh
> oh.

Joel: He'd probably say "uh oh" if He gave the finger to a seven foot,
    three hundred pound biker who eats logs for breakfast and the latter
    noticed.

> Ryoga: [wipes the mess of his face.] Pat, you are...

> Beth: Now I remember where I've seen that bandanna before! It was on
> Akane's piglet! Since you share the same taste in bandannas as a pig,
> does that mean *you're* one?

Crow: So, does leaping to hugely improbable but surprisingly correct
    conclusions *also* run in the family?

> Ryoga: Huh? Uh, well, it's a very common pattern.

> Beth: [sarcastically] Yeah, right.

Tom (Beth): How could there *possibly* be more than one copy of a bandanna
    of any particular design?

> Ryoga: It *is*!

> Beth: [smugly] My, my, aren't *we* defensive?

Crow: Oh, for Christ's sake, stop stretching it out!

> Pat: [who's totally lost his appetite. He doesn't want to see the carnage
> that'll ensue.] 'Scuse me. [gets up and drags Ranma with him.]

> Ranma: [still holding his rice bowl] What--?

Crow (Pat): C'mon, we're going up to our bedroom to...
Joel: Crow...
Crow: ...discuss ways to stop Ryoga.

> Pat: Trust me, you *don't* want to see this. [the two go outside]

Joel: You're right, we don't.

> Ranma: Why? If it's anything like Kuno or Mikado, it'll be entertaining!

> Pat: That's just the point. She doesn't have much...discretion.

Crow: Translation: She's about to do something that *should* be really,
    really stupid and come out unscathed.

> [From the parlor, we hear assorted sounds of frustration and malicious
> laughter.

Tom: The Faerie have taken control of the parlor...

> By this time everyone else has left. They want to be clear of the
> line of fire.

Joel: Look, *another* cliche. We could start collecting them...

> Beth and Ryoga are face to face. Ryoga is at the limits of his
> patience while Beth is just getting warmed up.]

> Ryoga: WHAAT?! YOU'RE COMPARING ME TO A PIG??!!

Crow (Beth): Well... yeah.

> Beth: [casually] Who's comparing?

Tom: She's so clever. Can someone *please* put her out of our misery
    already?

> Ryoga: You must really hate men! It's no wonder you gave Mikado that...

Tom: *bzzt* Wrong answer. Hope you've given your soul over to God, Ryoga...

> Beth: [we see a cunning light in her eyes] That I gave him what?

> Ryoga: Uuuhhh...

> Beth: Famous last words.

Crow: What, "uuuhhh"?
Joel: Well, I know *I'd* be saying something like that if I was about to be
    killed, but maybe that's just me...

> Ryoga: [struggling] I mean, that you gave him...what he deserved. Yeah,
> that's right! You gave him his just desserts.

Joel: I like lemon meringue pie, personally.

> Beth: Which was...?

> Ryoga: [realizes that he's just slipped up big time. Beth is just as
> observant as Pat.

Crow: So? Just gouge out her eyes.

> He finds this to be an extremely uncomfortable characteristic.] .......

> Beth: [relishing every word.] You know, the only other witness was small,
> black, and had a bandanna *just* *like* *yours*.

Joel: Mister Hibiki, I *accuse* you of the *murder* of JFK! 

> Pat: [seeing where this conversation is going, enters and drags Ranma
> with him. He's fumbling for an excuse to drag Ryoga out of this
> situation.] Uhh..

Joel (Pat): Ryoga and Ranma and I have got to go... uh... somewhere...

> Beth: [highly amused] Ah, another famous orator!

Tom: Uhh's a famous orator?

> Pat: [clears his throat] I was just wondering...[quickly] Do you want to
> practice with Ranma and me in the dojo?

Crow (Pat): Oh *God*, I hope he says yes!

> Ranma: What? Practice with that pig?

Tom: ...And the Oscar for utter stupidity goes to Ranma Saotome.

> Beth: Uh *huh*. [Ryoga hears the finality in her voice and knows that
> she's made up her mind.]

Joel: ...couldn't have taken too long.

> Ryoga: [smacks Ranma hard] Who's a pig?!

> Beth: [smirking and says mockingly] Oink oink oink.

Crow (British accent): The accent on the k indicates that the subject
    comes from southeastern Asia...

> Pat: [notices that Ranma and Ryoga are going to fight. Again. He clears
> his throat and goes between them.]

Tom: ...and they both intentionally hit *Him* instead.

> Guys, the dojo's outside. [hushed voice]
> Do either of you really want to see Beth at her worst?

Crow: It involves a lot of black leather and a cat-o-nine-tails.

> Ryoga: [wide-eyed] You mean she gets worse?

Joel (Pat): Yep, she's made better men than you into gibbering fools...
    Like me, for example.

> Pat: Afraid so. [Ryoga trots off, eager to get away from her. Ranma
> follows him. He smiles lamely to Beth] Gotta keep an eye on these guys.

Joel: Hey, if you run away from your problems you'll never be a *real* man!

> Beth: [gives him a "tell me the truth" look. Pat shrugs as if to say, "I
> can't."] Uh *huh*.

Crow: Beth silently adds a few more names to her hit list.

> Pat: [exits while wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead.] Well, that
> was fun. [hears Beth call him from over his shoulder.]

Tom (Beth): Hold still, I have to aim properly...

> Beth: I'm gonna watch if you don't mind.

Tom (Beth): Or even if you do. *Heh heh* It's not like *I* care.

> Pat: [frantic] NO!!! [recovers] I mean, it's really very boring. Remember
> when you fell asleep during one of my practices?

Joel: Oh, for... Hurry up!

> Beth: [smiling cheerfully] No.

Joel (Beth): No, you can't have any brownies!

> Pat: Oog.

Tom: Oog want meat!

> [He apparently has run out of excuses. He gets a worried look
> on his face as Beth grabs a glass of ice water.] You're not going to
> drink that in the dojo, are you?

Joel: You know this is getting really boring...

> Beth: Why? Is there a rule against it?

> Pat: [lamely] Well, no...

Tom: How long has this scene dragged on now?
Crow: Too...

> Beth: [smugly] Good.

All: NO, IT'S NOT!
Crow: ...long.

> [They head over to the dojo where Ranma and Ryoga are fighting. As Beth
> sits down, we notice that Ryoga is slowly but surely losing against
> Ranma, as if she's giving him the "evil eye" or something.]

Joel (Beth): Ommmm, wa, ni, so, pa... Kali-ma...

> Beth: Hey, guys! Cool off!

All: *groan*
Tom: Anyone *else* want to slaughter someone for that joke?

> [tosses the ice water at them. Ranma and Ryoga
> brace themselves. A SPLASH! is heard, and we see Beth's shocked face.

Joel: Oh my God... they're *wet*!

> Ranma and Ryoga prepare themselves for the worst, only to find that
> they're not girl and pig.

Crow: Nope, they're man and wife.

> Puzzled, they look over at Pat, who's between them and Beth.
> He's sopping wet. At the last minute, he intercepted the water before it
> reached them.] I didn't know you were *that* thirsty.

Tom: Remember what I just said? Well, you can pretend I just repeated it.

> Pat: [mops his face] Neither did I.

Joel: Anyway, now that the scene's pretty much over with, all in favour of
    taking a break?
Bots: Awwww, hell yeah!

> Beth: [looks over at the other two] Something wrong? [notices that they
> seemed to be expecting something to happen after they got wet.]

All: *get up* 

> Ranma and Ryoga: [while waving their hands in front of themselves] Oh,
> no, nothing at all. [each gives a weak smile to Beth, then turn to the
> other.] Grrrrr.

Joel (Ranma/Ryoga): Arf arf arf!
All: (exeunt)

> Beth: [shrugs and goes to return her glass.] See ya! I'm going back to
> the hotel.


[Insert reversed door sequence here... -B]

                             --- AND CUT IT THERE... ---

* * *

MSTer's Notes:
Part two of the oh-so-slightly revised Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange
Student. Part Three should be available as you read this, as should the
(even slighter) revision of Maximum Carnage 2 and my first collaboration
MSTing, I Will Remember You. Comments? Criticism? Email me!


> Pat: [in a Harry Carey voice] Here's the pitch...[Mikado is trying to
> sweet-talk Beth] the windup...  [Beth grabs Mikado by the shirt front. It
> looks like the two are about to kiss at any moment. Then, rude reality, in
> the form of Beth's maga