[Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student MSTed, Part 3, MSTed by Blazej Szpakowicz] [For disclaimers and copyrights, see the beginning (ie, first part) of this MSTing.] "Okay, guys," Joel said in a low, cautious voice, "We've got three minutes until the 'fic starts up again. So, what do you want to do?" Crow and Tom stood for a short moment in deep thought before answering, with one voice, "Channel-surf!" Joel brought nodded solemnly. "Very well. Okay," his voice became slightly louder, "Where's the remote?" A sound (which happened to be Gypsy's voice, actually) came from just outside the room. "By the TV!" Joel giggled shamefully. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense..." he mumbled under his breath. "Come on, guys!" The trio walked (or in Tom's case, floated) into the SoL's recreation room. Precisely why Dr. Forrester had decided to put a rec room in something that basically amounted to a prison was one of the Great Mysteries of Life (tm), right up there with the Secret of the Caramilk Bar and the Secret of Life, the Universe and Everything. But he had, and Joel and the Bots saw absolutely no reason to not make use of it. They passes the pool table, the arcade, the ping-pong tables, the Olympic- sized swimming pool and the entrance to the Holocabana (which was marked "only for use in Megane 6.7 MSTings") before settling down before the twenty foot, surround sound TV. Slowly, reverently, Joel reached out and picked up the TV remote, cradling it respectfully in his hands as he sat down. The Bots leaned forward eagerly (at least Crow did; Tom inched forward slightly instead) as Joel switched on the TV #"Oh, Barbara! Whatever has taken you from me, I swear that we will be reunited!" a tall, perfect man with short blond hair, standing in a repulsively well furnished room, intoned melodramatically, "For true lo..."# *click* #A man with an ugly toupee (or possibly a dead rat) on his head, a very fake looking grin and the most hideous green-and-purple jacket imaginable stood in front of a gleaming porsche, "And if you immediately call 1-800-555-FOOL, you can win this n..."# As the man talked, a bright flare lit up the sky outside the satellite. It was a star in a nearby galaxy going supernova, a sight only seen once a lifetime, if ever. Crow T. Robot looked up at it briefly before urging Joel to change the channel. *click* #The wind whistled softly through a dark, empty street. A mournful tune played. Slowly, a man in a dirty looking leather jacket and fedora came from around a corner, loping cautiously across the screen. Suddenly, a shout came from behind him, and he paused and then began to run. "Hold it!" a voice called out, "you're und..."# *click* #A dumpy, balding little man in an ill-fitting tuxedo was standing outside a wrestling ring, speaking in a loud voice. A muscular man with a shaved head and a goatee wearing black trunks and black boots stood inside the ring with a metal strap proudly held above his head, "Ladies and gentlemen," the balding little man intoned, "the winner of this contest and *NEW* W...# A strange, spindly object named Ryo-oh-ki, who was sometimes a spaceship and sometimes a murderously cute cross between a cat and a rabbit, whizzed by the satellite. She was followed by a hail of vaguely gun-shaped spacecraft, all shooting at her. Joel glanced out the window, shrugged and changed the channel. *click* #The exact same man that they had seen earlier, with the exact same toupee (or drowned squirrel), the exact same leer and a different but equally disgusting fluorescent pink monstrosity of a jacket, stood holding a thin brown volume, "...rom the people who brought you "Creative Visualization", "The Art of Belonging", "How to Imitate Confidence" and the best-sell..."# Ex-Colonel Glen Manning, alias the Amazing Colossal Man, peered curiously into the satellite. He'd always felt a strange pull from it... probably because it was one of the few things he could actually reach easily, being several hundred feet tall. He waved at the figures inside to catch their attention but failed miserably. Unconcerned, he merely shrugged, grabbed a passing rocket to dig something out from between his teeth and walked away. Joel changed the channel. *click* #A man in a crumpled trenchcoat stood beside a beautiful blond woman, a roaring airplane waiting invitingly beside them. "Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world..."# The Bots looked up at Joel fervently. "Keep it on, keep it on!" urged Tom Servo, "It might help clean away the stench of Manos and Artemis' Lover!" #"Here's looking at you, kid..."# *bzzt bzzt bzzt* "DAMN!" Door 6: It's a plain wooden door. You yell "Here's Johnny!" and it breaks apart. Door 5: It says "(A)bort, (R)etry, (E)scape". You fiddle with it for a while then give up and reboot. Door 4: It's a large, foreboding black iron gate decorated with skulls and completely chained up. You grab the handle and it opens. Door 3: It goes up into the ceiling but gets stuck, forcing you to crawl under. Door 2: It's a dead-end. You toil for several hours digging a tunnel and then lean against the wall to rest. It falls away. Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater. > [Cut to later that night. Pat's typing his usual letter home. Ranma is > doing a headstand on his futon and the Panda is already fast asleep.] > Pat: [voice-over] Dear Phil. As usual, our dear sister made quite a > splash. Tom: Translation: She tried to drown me. > However, I have to admit, she did liven things up a bit. Joel (Pat): She tried to electrocute me... > First, she kicked > Kuno where it hurts (need I say more?). Then, she utterly humiliated this > skater guy by giving him the king of wedgies. The expression on his face > was priceless! All (monotone): Ha ha ha. > BTW, thanks for the sci-fi books. Crow (Pat): I'd never survive without them. > I guess I forgot to pack them on the way here. That's about it, bro. > [powers down his system and takes out one of the books that Beth gave him Crow (Pat): Look! There's Waldo! > (sans dirty pictures, of course). We see the title: The Time Machine, by > H.G. Wells. Crow: The illustrated pre-school version? > After reading it for a bit, he puts it down.] Ranma? Joel (Pat): Are you decent? > Ranma: [still in a headstand] Yeah? > Pat: [slightly irritated] Would you mind getting out of that headstand? I > can't talk to people when they're upside-down. [Ranma shrugs and rolls out > of the headstand.] Tom: ...right into the panda, who starts trying to tear his eyes out. > You ever wish that you could travel in time? > Ranma: I have. Joel: You have what? A million dollars? The gout? What? > Pat: [raises an eyebrow] Really? How? > Ranma: Well, Happosai's got this magic mirror. All: Mirror, mirror on the wall, what's the lamest fanfic of them all? > Pat: [somewhat puzzled] Tom (Pat): What's a mirror? > What does that have to do with time travel? > Ranma: It's magic! Figure it out! Crow (Ranma): Yeah, we all know you can figure out anything! > Pat: He doesn't seem like the generous type. Joel: And when precisely did Pat *meet* Happi? > Ranma: He's not. In fact, I had to bribe him to use it. > Pat: What could a dirty old man like that possibly want? Joel: Have fun, Crow. Crow: ... Huh? Joel: Well, we all know you'll get a remark in sooner or later... Crow: But... it's no fun when you *allow* me to do it! Joel: Okay... Crow: Hold on, hold on! *ahem* A clutch of nubile, big-breasted young women of course. > Ranma: [barely audible] Pictures. > Pat: Of what? Tom: The Louvre, Notre Dame and the Eifel Tower. > [Ranma glares at him.] Uh huh. Well, that'd make sense. > [The next day is a relatively uneventful one. Joel: Yeah, Pat only manages to completely defeat and embarrass *three* well-trained martial artists. > As Ranma, Akane and Pat pass > through the school gate, they notice that Kuno's shuffling, still bent > over from his "close encounter" with Beth. Crow: A Close Encounter... of the Sexth Kind? Joel: Crow... > Pat seems a bit distracted, as if he's > mulling something over.] Tom (Pat): Okay, one plus one makes... carry the one... square the remainder... umm... dammit! I still can't get it! > Ranma: Hey, Pat, you okay? Joel: Relatively speaking, you mean? > [he doesn't respond] Hello, Earth to Pat. Joel (Telephone Operator): If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again; if you'd like to make a call please hang... > [still no response. Crow: Hit him; that oughta work. > Ranma takes a deep breath and...] HEY!!! > Pat: [jumps nearly his height off the ground.] Crow: Oh, the poor dear was surprised. Boo hoo. > GYAA!! DON'T *DO* THAT!! Tom (Pat): You must never say the word "hey" in my presence... > Ranma: Well, now that I've got your attention, what're you thinking about? Joel (Pat): Thinking? What's that? > Pat: [glares at Ranma, then relents] I was thinking about "borrowing" that > magic mirror you mentioned last night. Joel: But that's theft! Squeeky clean, perfect Buddha-like supreme beings like you aren't allowed to steal! > Akane: What could you possibly use that old thing for? Crow: I don't know... Maybe... to travel in time? > The last time Ranma > had it, the cure to his curse was right there, only he didn't jump in! Tom: And why precisely should this stop Pat from using it, huh? > Pat: You didn't? > Ranma: I FORGOT! Can you blame me? First, I changed my life so that I was > never cursed. Then, I got to re-live the first couple of months that I was > here. Joel: Huh? Y'know, I don't recall this happening... > Pat: Did you remember what happened before? > Ranma: Yeah. Tom (Ranma): But I *don't* want to talk about it. > Pat: That doesn't seem so bad. > Akane: [slightly sarcastic] Why don't you tell him about the part where I > was supposed to die? Oh, my mistake, *one* of me! Tom: That *definitely* didn't happen in the series... > Ranma: You uncute bratty girl! All: Bratty? *Bratty*? *BRATTY*? Crow: Ranma never used that particular word in his whole life... > If I knew that you'd be like this, I'd've never come back! > Akane: I think I've heard about enough of this. Joel: Hey, you're not allowed to think! Only Pat can do that! Otherwise, you might make him look stupid! > [heads to the classroom.] > Pat: I think you care about Akane, at least a little bit. Joel: Ladies and gentlemen... we have lecture! > Ranma: Yeah, right! > Pat: No, really. Otherwise...Ah, never mind. Tom: Oh, well, thanks for the explanation. > Now, about that paradox Crow: What's that? Cataracts? Joel: No, being blind wouldn't be an excuse for this fanfic. > ...did you and Akane travel together? > Ranma: Yeah, until we arrived on the day Pop and I came to the Tendo > place. Then, I started having these weird dreams. > Pat: About what? Crow (Ranma): Akane, a leather catsuit, a whip and a squeegee. > Ranma: [sighs] Akane. She was trapped in some kind of...non-time. She... > died there. Tom: ...cursing your name and squealing like a stuck pig? > Pat: "Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time." Crow (Pat): Yeah, just try and get roommates to co-exist peacefully. Joel: Or the three of us, for that matter. > In this > case, I'd say that two souls couldn't occupy the same body. Tom (Pat): It would've exploded and left messy little bits of Akane everywhere. > The Akane in the > other timeline, I'm guessing, had "priority" over the Akane in this > timeline when you changed it Crow (Pat): She'd remembered to pay off God earlier than this version did. > thus ejecting "our" Akane into nowhere. Tom: Wait, wasn't that supposed to be nowhen? Jeez, this guy can't even keep his pseudoscience straight! > Ranma: [impressed] Wow. And you say you're only an average student? Joel (Pat): Yeah, but I did really well in Stupid Pseudoscience, Senseless Technobabble and Whopping Great Plot Contrivances 101. > Pat: [shrugs, then realizes something.] What am I talking about? I'm not > going to change history with that thing! Joel (Pat): I'm just gonna *tweak* it in a few places, that's all! Crow (Pat): I mean, does Hitler *really* have to win World War Two? > Ranma: What *are* you going to use it for? Crow (Pat): I'll primp in front of it. > Pat: [smiles] Well, I was thinking about a little going-away present for > all three girls. I can't be more specific. Tom: Oh, look. More heavy-handed foreshadowing. > Ranma: [pauses for a moment] Pat, you mind if I tell you something? > Pat: No, go ahead. Crow: Okay, you are one of the most irritating, useless, stupid excuses for a fanfiction character that I've ever encountered. You should be shot into space and locked into a rocket with David Gonterman and a collection of gerbils and then chained up against a wall so that a colony of cockroaches can chew your nose off. > Ranma: All right, but if you tell anyone... Joel (Ranma): Then... I'll cry... > Pat: Hey, I can keep a secret. Remember last night? Tom (Ranma): No, actually, I was too drunk last night to remember much of anything *now*. Crow (Ranma): Why... did we "do" anything? Joel: Crow... > Ranma: [takes a deep breath] I...liked the Akane in the other timeline. Crow (Ranma): And now you know my greatest shame. > Pat: What makes you think it's any different in this timeline? > Ranma: [shocked] ..... Joel: Shampoo got his tongue? Crow: She'd enjoy that, you know. Joel: Well... yeah, she would, wouldn't she? > Pat: Come on! We'll be late for class! Tom: And we all know what a tragedy that would be. > [The two arrive just in the nick of time. Crow: You know, don't you wish they could just once arrive *after* the nick of time so that Pat could be expelled or set back three grades or forced to lick the toilets clean or something? > However, instead of the usual > gossip, people are wondering about a strange new girl Tom: To explore strange new girls... to boldly go where no man has gone before... Crow: Somehow, I think I should've said that... > sitting next to Akane. > The two are getting along quite well. The girl turns out to be...] Joel: Bloody Mary? Crow: Dana Scully? Tom: Marissa Picard? Others: Ewww! > Pat: GAH! Crow: "Gah"? Who's "Gah"? > BETH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Joel (Beth): Hanging out with my new girlfriend. You got a problem with that? > Beth: [amused] What does it look like? And stop yelling! > Akane: Pat, your sister's really not that bad... Crow (Akane): Yeah, she's quite tasty in fact. Say, could you pass the salt? > Pat: NOT THAT BA--[clears his throat] Not that bad?! Tom (Pat): *You* never had to go through all of her experiments involving rats and pigeons! > Beth: [smirking] But, of course, you are my brother. [Pat starts massaging > his temples, softly grumbling.] So, how's P-chan? Tom (Pat): Six feet under, why? > Akane: I haven't seen him since last night. Crow (Pat): Yeah, well he's probably somewhere around Sumatra by now. > Pat: Yeah, after that...interesting supper. Joel (Pat): Yeah, I mean... chilled monkey brains and fried scarab beetles? There really is no accounting for taste... > [The class shuts up when the teacher arrives. Joel: So, what planet d'you think they're on? Tom: Maybe the teacher weighs four hundred pounds and carries a cattle prod. > He is understandably puzzled at the apparent "new addition."] > Sensei: Excuse me, but who are you? Joel: I am the terror that flops at night... I am... Dickweed Duck! > Beth: I'm Pat's sister. [of course, everyone except Ranma and Akane turn > to look first at Beth, then at Pat. Crow: ...and then at the sky as though to ask "What did *we* do to deserve this?" > Obviously, they didn't know that Pat had a > sister. Pat wishes (not for the first time) that Beth was someplace else, > perhaps Timbuktu.] Joel: Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other and see which piles up first... > Sensei: Do you have permission from the Principal? [Beth waves a note.] > All right, you may stay. Tom (Sensei): In my magnanimous selflessness, I *allow* you to stay. > Beth: Thanks. > [For the next few hours, Beth watches with boredom while her mind is in > high-speed, thinking of what mischief she can get into for the next four > days. Crow (Beth): Hmm... let's see... I can tie Pat's shoe-laces together. Then I can replace his water with sodium glutamate. Then I can spark the outset of World War Three... > She goes to Akane.] > Beth: [whispering] Where's what's-his-name? > Akane: Who? Joel: You know, What's-his-name. > Beth: The guy who needs a real sword. Tom: So, can you guys remind me what Beth thinks of Kuno? I don't think I can quite remember... Joel: Got me. Crow: No idea. > Akane: Oh, you mean Kuno. He's in E-7. Tom: The "E" stands for ego, yes? Joel: But if it does, why isn't Pat there too? > Beth: [wickedly] Really? Maybe I should say hi to him later. > [Lunchtime comes, much to the relief of the terminally bored. The students > rush out into the lunchroom. Tom: Right into a large mass of radioactive sludge. > Beth, of course, trails Pat much like a shark tracking its prey.] All: *hum Jaws theme* > Pat: [tugging at his uniform collar] I'm telling you, Ranma. After all > this time, I *still* hate this thing. Joel: Yeah, the more things change, the more Pat irritates me. > Ranma: Well, you only have to wear it for one more day. Crow: What, Pat's leaving in one day?? All: *cheer* Tom: Quick, rout more power to the Plot Device Generators, otherwise He won't be able to demolish every character in the series by the end of the story! > [they overhear Beth talking to herself. Tom: The voices in her head were telling her to kill... KILL... *KILL*! > They turn and look to see a malicious grin on her face. Joel (Student): Eww! There's a malicious grin on her! Someone kill it! > They follow her gaze back to Kuno, who seems less imperious than usual. In > the background, we hear Nabiki trying to scalp last-minute tickets.] Crow (Nabiki): Okay, hold still now.. this won't hurt a bit.... *slice* Joel: Come on, I think we've milked the scalping jokes enough... > Nabiki: Oh, come on! These are the best seats in the house! Crow (Nabiki): They're plush and comfortable and made out of real mahogany and velvet! > Student: Well, I don't know...that much for a martial arts contest? > Nabiki: [dangling the tickets in front of him.] Of course, these are the > last ones I have. Once they're gone... Joel (Nabiki): ...you'll be able to get in for free like anyone with half a brain would do. I mean, you don't have to *pay* to see a public event. D'oh! I shouldn't have said that... > Student: I'll buy them!!! Tom (Student): Here's your fifty billion yen... and here's the deed to my soul. > Nabiki: Good choice. Crow (Nabiki): Yes, I promise that your girlfriend won't see these photographs until at the earliest tomorrow. > [Ranma, Pat, Akane and Beth sit down together. Pat has strategically sand- > wiched himself between Ranma and Akane, and Beth is sitting next to her. > The two are talking about men, and how impossible they can be, etc. Pat > and Ranma, however, are talking about a different subject.] Joel (Ranma): So, Pat, tell me... how many people have you completely beaten up and humiliated in your lifetime? Tom (Pat): Oh, about two thousand now, I think. > Ranma:...and *how* long have you been writing to Nabiki? Tom: (Pat): Well, you've gotta realize I only just learned to write four weeks ago... > Pat: [tries to remember] Oh, I'd say about...Five and a half years. > Akane: [at the mention of "five and a half years," she freezes.] Crow: She has an allergic reaction to the phrase "five and a half years"? I mean, I could understand her having an allergic reaction to the phrase "Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student", but... > You know, I > met this weird guy about five years ago while walking home from school > with Nabiki and Kasumi. Crow: David Berkowitz? Tom: Fabio? Joel: Fox Mulder? > Beth: My brother? Joel: No, Nabiki and Kasumi are *not* your brother. > Akane: I don't think so. He seemed nice enough, but a little nervous. Tom (Akane): Your brother, on the other hand, is not nice at all. Crow: Which, of course, is exactly what *we've* been saying... > Beth: What'd he look like? Joel: Well, he was four feet tall, really weasely and wrinkled, with a vaguely greenish shade of skin. > Akane: Oh, he was about Pat's height. Come to think of it, he looked > almost exactly like Pat. But that's impossible! Tom: Ho hum, anyone else smell the putrid stench of blatant foreshadowing? > Beth: So, what happened? Tom (Akane): Well, before we could say anything to him, he said "My work here is done" and vanished back to his spaceship in a haze of bright lights. > Akane: Well, he kept talking about how nice this neighborhood was. I get > the impression that he knew us from somewhere. > Beth: Oh, really? Where? Crow (Akane): Say... here and now? > Akane: I don't know. I mean, he was right in front of the house when we > got there, and he called the three of us by name. > Beth: That *is* weird. Was there anything else unusual about him? Joel (Akane): Well, now that I think about it, he *did* have three eyes, four rows of teeth, ten huge claws on each hand and three nostrils. > Akane: [thinking] Well, he did walk with a bit of a limp. > Beth: Did you ever see him again? > Akane: [shakes her head] No. I wish I knew who he was. All: *sing* If you wiiish upon a staaar... > [cut to afterschool. Everyone's walking home. Kuno initially tries to > follow Pat, but a sharp, malicious look from Beth stops him in his tracks. > Pat is walking with his sister, albeit nervously.] Crow (Pat): Oh, God I hope she doesn't realize I'm wearing her panties... > Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] You two go ahead. I'll catch up. > Ranma and Akane: Okay. [they walk off, leaving Pat with Beth.] Tom: They ignore the screams of pain and the sounds of tearing flesh. > Pat: Sis, I'll....need your help with something. > Beth: What? Crow (Beth): Jesus, bro! Where d'you find a backbone all of a sudden? > [takes a look at him. He's not screaming and sprinting away > from her, so it must be something serious.] Joel: Hmm... maybe he has cancer? All: Hmm... Tom: No, the world should be so lucky... > Pat: Well, I need to get this magic mirror away from this pervert, > Happosai. The only thing is, well... > Beth: [impatient] Spit it out, Pat. Joel (Pat): *ptooie* Oh, look! It's fluorescent green! And it's moving! > Pat: [clears his throat] You know I've never been good at planning out > huge, complicated schemes. Tom: My God, you mean there's something he *isn't* good at? > Beth: [offhandedly] It comes from being an honest weenie. Crow (Beth): If you were a *dishonest* weenie, on the other hand... > Pat: [glares at her] I'm *serious*. Crow (Pat): There really *are* little green men from Mars after me! > Beth: [smiles maliciously] So am I. > [Pat looks skyward as if to say, "Why me?" Crow: Because you're nearly perfect, have no character flaws, are supremely irritating and... well, you know the drill. > He then fills her in on his plan to grab the Nanban mirror. Joel: Wait, didn't He just say He didn't *have* a plan...? > That afternoon, the two of them shop around the > town, Pat shuddering all the way while Beth cackles softly to herself. > They pick up a Crow: Leather thong bikini and lots of oil... > self-inflatable raft from a sporting goods store, an extremely > loud heavy-metal tape, and a cheap tape player (Pat didn't want to use > his). The two of them are walking to the Tendo Dojo.] Tom: When they get run over by a bulldozer. The End. > Beth: You know, Pat, I still don't like the idea of you travelling through > time. What if you change history or something? Joel (Pat): Well, then I'll never have been born and the World will be a better place. > Pat: If I'm right, I'll be fulfilling history, not changing it. Crow: That's what they always say... > [the two continue walking when something occurs to Pat.] Sis? > Beth: Yeeessss? Tom (Pat): When did you turn into a snake? > Pat: [grumbles something, then continues] Remember that psycho girl I > wrote about, Kodachi? > Beth: What about her? She sounds as much a loser as her brother. Joel: What, a sore one? > Pat: Unlike her brother, she cheats. Ranma and Akane told me that she > takes out her opponents before the actual contest. Crow (Pat): ...to dinner. > Beth: And? Tom (Pat): Well, I think I'm starting to fall for her... > Pat: And she hasn't made a move since Monday. The contest is tomorrow, and > I thought for sure that she would have tried to knock out Akane by now. Crow (Pat): And I've so wanted to see her again... > Beth: So what's your point? > Pat: My point is that it's pretty odd that she hasn't gotten around to it. Joel (Pat): Yeah, I *really* want Akane to get attacked... > [As they approach the house, the sounds of two girls fighting and the > occasional cluster of black... Tom: Look, it's a plague of giant horseflies here to eat Pat! > rose petals flying out of the windows becomes evident. > Kodachi is definitely in the house. That situation, however, is > quickly remedied as the gymnast bounds out of the house, cackling.] Joel: There, she tried to attack Akane. Happy now, Pat? > Akane: [yelling] And stay out of this house!!! [looking around] Ranma, you > can come out, now. > Ranma: [pops out of the hedges] Is she gone? Tom (Akane): No, I was planning to give you to her as a peace offering. > Pat: I'd say so. Crow (Ranma): Yeah, well, we don't care what *you* say! > Akane: I thought you said that you were going to keep an eye on her. Joel (Pat): I lied. > Pat: [sheepishly] Well, I have my hands full with...other people. [glances > at Beth.] Crow (Beth): Oh, sure! Blame it all on me! > [They enter the house. Pat and Beth head to his/Ranma's room while Akane > heads to the kitchen. Kasumi is currently cooking dinner.] Tom (Kasumi): Now, c'mon P-Chan, hold still! > Akane: Oneechan? > Kasumi: Yes? Joel (Akane): Why are you pouring Nitro Glycerin in there? > Akane: Have you ever had the feeling that we've met Pat before? > Kasumi: [thinks for a moment] Come to think of it, yes. I believe that it > was about five years ago. > Akane: Wasn't it the guy with a limp? Crow: No, it was the one-armed man! > Kasumi: I think so. > Akane: That's very odd. [Nabiki enters. Akane heads over to her.] Nabiki? Crow (Akane): Why did the chicken cross the road? Tom (Nabiki): To get away from this fanfic, of course. > Nabiki: [thinking about her profit margin made due to her scalping] Tom (Nabiki): Hmm. According to this I made... about three yen. D'oh! > Hmm? > Akane: Do you remember that weird guy who was on our front porch about > five years ago? Joel (Nabiki): What, you mean the vacuum cleaner salesman? > Nabiki: What about him? > Akane: Do you remember what he was wearing? Crow (Nabiki): Well, I'm not sure... but I think he was wearing clothes. > Nabiki: I think that he had on a green jogging jacket, [slowly realizes > something] Tom (Nabiki): Oh my God! I'm on Candid Camera! > a plaid shirt underneath and... Joel (Nabiki): hey, he wasn't wearing any pants! > Akane: ..blue jeans, right? > Nabiki: [puzzled] Right. Tom (Nabiki): Now, why on Earth would he have been wearing blue jeans? > Akane: Something's going on here. Joel (Sherlock Holmes): The game is afoot, Watson. > [At about the same time, Pat is searching through his suitcase for Beth's > little "going-away" present, namely Crow: ...a leather bound tome entitled "The Colected Werks of Stephen Ratlif". > the fake adult magazine covers with ordinary magazine contents. Crow: Actually, I like *that* particular present better... > He finds them.] Joel: ...and locks them away in a bank account in Switzerland to save for posterity. > Pat: [mumbling] Here they are. > Beth: So you admit that you're finally going testosterone. Crow: Pat, turning into a man? Um... no. > Pat: [flustered] No! I didn't want to take the chance that anybody would > see them. Tom (Pat): My girlfriend might think I'm two-timing her! Crow (Beth): You don't have a girlfriend. Tom (Pat): Oh, yeah. I forgot. > [pauses] I hope I'm not being overly presumptuous about this whole > thing. I mean, I'm asking them to go back in time five years to say hi to > their mother just before she died. Tom (Pat): And if you can explain to me precisely *why* I'm doing this, I'd be very grateful. > [turns to Beth] What would you do in my place? > Beth: [curtly] I'd say that it was none of my business. All: (applaud) > Pat: [mumbling] You know, I should've asked them before I even started > this whole thing. > Beth: Well, why don't you? Crow (Pat): Wow, that's a good idea! Why didn't *I* think of that? > Pat: You know, that's not a bad idea. [heads out of the room looking for > the three sisters.] Tom: Urd, Skuld and Belldandy? > Beth: Well, little brother, I've gotta go. [Pat's face brightens > considerably.] Joel: He's on fire! Quick, someone get a fire extinguisher! > But, I'll be back after dinner to help you with your "pet > project." [Pat's face drops.] Tom: Yeah, and cracks a hole through the floor. > You should see the look on your face. [laughs quietly as she exits.] > Pat: [finds Akane in the parlor.] Oh, hi. I was looking for you. Crow (Akane): Yeah, well, I'd say I was looking for *you*... but I'd be lying. > Akane: Listen, Pat. I just wanted to ask you something. Joel (Akane): Can you *not* go out with me? > Pat: What a coincidence. I just wanted to ask you something, too. > Akane: Well, can't it wait? Crow (Pat): Sure! But if the world comes to an end tomorrow, it's *your* fault! > Pat: Well, [pauses] yeah, I guess it could. What's your question? Joel (Akane): How do you spell "antidisestablishmentarianism"? > Akane: This is going to sound stupid, but...were you around here say, five > years ago? Tom (Akane): Yeah, and did you also have the exact same age and wardrobe five years ago? > Pat: Uh, no. This is my first time out of the States. Why? > Akane: Well, I...oh, never mind. > Pat: No, go ahead. Crow (Akane): No, never mind; really. Tom (Pat): No, no, go ahead! Crow (Akane): No, never mind. Tom (Pat): No, go a... Joel: Guys... > Akane: It's just that...five years ago, all three of us saw a guy on our > front porch. > Pat: And? Tom (Akane): Well, he was selling vacuum cleaners door to door, and he really irritated us, so we killed him and buried the body in the backyard. I just thought you might want to know. > Akane: And that guy looked almost exactly like you, even down to your > green jacket. Weird, huh? > Pat: Yeah, that *is* weird. [pauses] All: (hum Twilight Zone theme) > Akane: So, what's your question? Crow (Pat): Well... I'd like to ask it, but it's not really suitable for family reading... > Pat: [distracted] Hmm? Oh, that. [takes a very deep breath] This is going > to be a bit personal. You don't have to give me an answer. Joel (Akane): Okay, then I won't. > Akane: Okay. What is it? Crow (Pat): Are you really a guy? > Pat: [to himself] Ho boy. Tom: Shouldn't that be "ho girl"...? > [to Akane] Given a chance, would you want to see your mother again? Joel (Pat): Because I have a one-way, no return ticket to Hell right here! > Akane: [confused] What're you talking about? We see her every so often at > the cemetary. Tom (Akane): Yeah, especially when we've just been using LSD! > The last time we went there was before Ranma's mother came to visit. > Pat: [shaking his head] No no no no. Tom (Pat): Ranma's mother has never visited you. She has *never* visited you... Look into my eyes... She has *never* visited you... > [sighs] I mean, *before* she died. Crow (Akane): Of course Ranma's mother visited us before she died! > Akane: [suspicious] How? Tom: I am Chief Running Mallet. How. > Pat: [fills her in on what he's about to do] Joel (Pat): ...and then I'll hire someone to dress up like Marilyn Monroe and you can throw live snails at her! > ...but the catch is, we *can't* change anything when we're in the past. Crow (Pat): Or your father will disappear or turn into Christopher Lloyd, or something... > Akane: Won't we be changing the past by going there? Crow (Pat): Oh, right! I forgot about that! > Pat: No, I think we'll be going with history instead of changing it. Tom: "Going out with history"? Does he mean going out with some ancient schoolmarm or something? > Besides, you know that weird guy? > Akane: What about him? Joel (Pat): Absolutely nothing! I just felt like mentioning him, that's all! > Pat: I think that was me. Or, I should say, *will be* me. Joel: (bored) No, really? > Akane: [thoroughly confused] Huh? > Pat: Well, you see, I haven't visited this house until almost two weeks > ago. Tom (Akane): And we *really* wish you'd stayed away! > But, the person you remember is an indicator of what I'm going to do. At > some point in the future, I'm going to travel back in time Crow (Pat): ...and make sure the Iraqis win the Gulf War! > to meet you five years ago. Joel: You know, I *still* don't understand why the author decided to insert this particular subplot... > Akane: I'm getting a headache from all this. Crow (Pat): Well, there's an easy remedy for that! Just put your head under this guillotine... > Pat: You get used to it after umpteen million sci-fi novels. All: NEEEEERD! > Anyways, what do you think? > Akane: I'll have to think about it. Crow (Akane): Yeah, I dunno if Ranma would want a Menage a Trois... > Pat: Well, thanks for listening. Tom: He sounds as though he's been talking to his psychiatrist. > Akane: Don't get your hopes up. > [Later, Pat is writing his letter home to his brother Phil.] Joel: Landfill? > Pat: [voice-over] Dear Phil. Well, the contest's tomorrow. Depending on > who I have to fight, I might not be able to write to you tomorrow. Crow: Yeah, right; we wish! > I sure as > heck don't want to fight either Ranma or Akane. Okay, enough gloom and > doom. Tom: No, there could never be enough gloom and doom in your life, Pat. > Our dear sister's agreed to help me on something (will wonders never > cease!). Joel: Well, maybe if the author stops writing this fanfic, God'll be so tired out from *that* particular miracle that He won't have enough energy left to perform any other ones. > You know that I don't like owing her anything, but I really didn't > have much of a choice. [the door opens and Beth deposits what looks like a > small bundle of clothes.] Crow (Cockney accent): Yer laundry's ready, guv'ner. > Beth: [relishing every word] You owe me, little brother. Crow (Beth): Oooh, that was *so* much fun to say! > Pat: [mumbles] Thanks. [she leaves and he continues with his typing] Tom: Oh, there's a typo! And another! And there's a third! Joel: Of course, having typos is sort of pathetic when you realize he's just copying out the works of Herman Melville... > I > can't go into the details, but, suffice it to say, she's only in it to > give massive amounts of abuse to a pervert. Joel: Yeah, but if it's Happosai, he'd *enjoy* it. > Gotta go. Pat. Tom: Pat! The pulse-pounding true story of a sniveling God-boy! > [The next morning, the Principal is in his office with Nabiki.] Crow: Oh good God, no! We don't need to see *that*... > Principal: So, you say that you know who put me through that... > humiliation? Joel: What? She's giving him the author's address? > Nabiki: Yes, but it'll cost you. > Principal: How much? Tom: Well, your arms, legs and eyes ought to get you about half-way... > Nabiki: For you? 3000 yen. Joel (Nabiki): But for anyone else it would have been about thirty yen. > Principal: What!? Crow (Nabiki): 3000 yen. I'll need it to bribe my teachers. > Nabiki: Take it or leave it. > Principal: All right. [pays her] Now, who did that to me? Joel (Nabiki): I did! Ha, sucker! > Nabiki: Pat Lee, the new exchange student. Tom (Nabiki): Yeah, and he's also behind the recent rash of lingerie store robberies! > Principal: [outraged] Why that little... Crow: We agree completely! > [smiles maliciously] Well, I have > something in mind for our dear Mr. Lee. [to Nabiki] You may go. [She does, > counting her money all the way.] Joel: Shouldn't he laugh evilly? Tom: Maybe he's forgot. Joel: Yeah, but isn't it in his contract? Crow: Sure. Article three, section twelve, subsection five. Tom: Well... maybe he's saving it for later. > [On her way out, she bumps into Pat.] Joel (Nabiki): Hey, watch where you put those hands, mister! > Pat: Whoa! Tom: Oh, it's Pat and Pat's Excellent Adventure. > [notices the money in her hands] Bribing someone else? Crow (Nabiki): Is Rush evil? > Nabiki: Not exactly. > [That afternoon, Pat and Ranma are leaving the boys' locker room on their > way to the contest. Pat is still dragging along his backpack.] Joel: ...but He left the contents several miles behind... > Pat: Hoo boy. Y'know, I'm not really looking forward to this. > Ranma: Then why'd you sign up? Crow (Pat): Cause I'm an idiot. > Pat: I figured that it'd be just fun and games, not life and death stuff. > Ranma: [thinks about something] I just realized something. Tom (Ranma): I'm not wearing any clothes! > [looks around, > then continues] Do you usually stick smiley-face stickers on girls to see > if they change in the shower? Joel (Pat): Yeah. You got a problem with that?! > Pat: No, actually I just stuck it on your shoulder because it looked > funny. Crow: Did you guys notice anything funny? Tom: Nope. Joel: Uh-uh. > [At about the same time, Kodachi is prowling around the girls' locker > room. Crow: Is she looking for a new love interest? > She sneaks behind Ukyo and shoves her into a locker with a bouquet of > black roses and locks it.] Crow (Kodachi): Take these tokens of my feelings, my love! > Ukyo: Hey, what the--?! [the roses appear to be smoking. Tom: That'll kill ya... > It's knockout gas. She starts coughing violently.] > [The rest of the locker room isn't faring so well either. Crow: Kodachi has started to scrape the wallpaper off its walls. > Kodachi has > strategically placed bouquets of black roses, each of them emitting > knockout gas. She cackles maniacally as she makes her exit, locking the > doors to the room. Joel: Hey, how dare she lock that poor, innocent knockout gas in there! > On her way out, she almost flips right into Pat, who dodges her.] > Pat: [jerks back] Crow: What's that? Jerk pats back? Tom: Well... no. But that's pretty close. > Whoa, what the--?! [Kodachi doesn't even pause to look at him and exits.] Joel: How do you exit when you're already outside? > [Inside the locker room, Shampoo makes her own exit, knocking out a fair > portion of the wall next to the door. Tom: Hey! Next time *use* the door! Joel: It was locked. Tom: Yeah, but that doesn't excuse vandalism! > She stumbles out, as do the rest of > the girls inside. All, that is, except for Ukyo.] Crow: Ukyo is too busy watching the Best of the Home Shopping Channel. > Akane: [coughing] That b**** Kodachi! Joel: Oh! Such language! That's it young lady, go to your room! Tom: *tsk tsk* We're gonna have to wash her mouth out with soap. Crow: Or possibly lava... > Ranma: [looking around] Hey, where's Ukyo? Tom (Shampoo): Well... you're standing in her. > Shampoo: Inside, I think! Forget about her! Crow (Shampoo): Go out with Shampoo instead! Let stupid pancake girl suffocate! > Pat: [takes a cautious whiff of the gas, stumbles, and then recovers. Joel: *phew* Dammit, that gas should get better deodorant! > He > then notices a water fountain and goes over to it. He takes out a small > cup as well as a handkerchief and starts to fill it the former with water. Crow: The cup starts to melt... > He > dips the handkerchief in the water and wrings it out. He quickly looks > around to see no one except him, Ranma, Akane and Shampoo.] Tom: And the entire starting line of the '76 Philadelphia Flyers! > Hey, Ranma! > Ranma: Wha? [Pat douses him with cold water] GAAHH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!? Joel (Pat): I was just figuring we might need something to distract Kodachi if she comes back. > Pat: Just in case. > [throws her the handkerchief] This'll help you with the gas. Crow (Pat): The gas is allergic to that green, slimy, moving stuff that's in there. > Ranma-chan: [catches it and puts it over her nose and mouth area] What are > you, a boy scout? Tom (Pat): Yeah, I always help old ladies across the street. Especially if they don't want to cross it. > Pat: What gave you that idea? Joel (Ranma): Oh, just the fact that you're so cute and wholesome. > Ranma-chan: [enters the locker room cautiously] Hey, this trick really > works. Tom: That's because not even an inanimate object wants to touch Pat's handkerchief. > [searches for Ukyo. She finds her, passed out in a locker, a bouquet > of black roses at her feet. Ranma-chan rips it open Tom: Rips what open? The roses? The locker? Joel: I think it's the locker... which begs the question "How the Hell did she notice Ukyo was inside?" Crow: Maybe she rips Ukyo's clothes open? Joel: That's just wishful thinking, Crow. > and catches Ukyo in one > arm, careful to keep the handkerchief on her mouth and nose. Tom: On Ukyo's mouth and nose, that is. Which is why she does a grade A faceplant five feet from the door. > She helps the > latter out of the locker room, where the gas is already starting to > dissipate. Pat is waiting for her with a thermos in his hand, presumably > with hot water. Crow: But actually filled, in a peculiar little prank, with liquid nitrogen! > Everyone else has gone outside.] Tom: Fleeing the scene of the crime. Crow: What crime? Tom: The one we're reading. > Pat: [looks around and then pours the contents of the thermos on Ranma > chan.] Joel: Oh no! Ranma's melting! > Sorry about the hot and cold routine, but I figured that you wouldn't > want to be caught entering that locker room without a good reason. Crow (Pat): Yeah, and there had to be someone still awake in there to notice you because, as we all know, most girls are impervious to knockout gas! > Ranma: [sarcastic] How kind. Do you always keep hot and cold water handy? > Pat: With you around, always. [Ukyo begins to wake up.] How do you feel? Tom (Ukyo): Like someone just read That Girl to me after chaining me upside down to a rough hewn stake, why? > Ukyo: Unnhh...[eyes snap open] Kodachi! That little... > Ranma: What happened? Joel (Ukyo): Well, Kodachi farted... and then everyone began dropping like flies. > Ukyo: She locked me up with one of those bouquets of hers. The next thing > you know, I'm out cold. Tom (Ukyo): And then when I wake up, all these horrible slugs are crawling over me! Oh no, wait! That was you, Pat. > Pat: [to Ukyo] Would you mind giving me your arm? Crow (Ukyo): Well, hold on. I have to remove it first... > Ukyo: [cautiously takes out a mini-spatula] Why? Are you into holding > hands? Tom (Pat): No, I was just hoping to dissect it. > Pat: No, it's so I can take your pulse. [she reluctantly gives him her > arm. Joel (Ukyo): Pull my finger. > He takes her pulse, then releases her.] Crow (Pat): Well, according to this, you're not breathing. Course, that might be 'cause I was reading the pulse in your knuckle. > It's a little slow, but about normal. > [takes out a flashlight from his backpack and turns it on.] > Ukyo: What's that for? Tom (Pat): I wanted to test your pulse with it. Now, turn around... > Pat: Just making sure there's no permanent damage. [flashes the light into > her eyes.] Joel: Well, if there wasn't any permanent damage before , there sure is now! > Ukyo: HEY! GET THAT THING OUT OF MY EYES! Crow: Sorry, what was that? > [bats the light away.] Since when are you a doctor? Tom (Pat): Since always! I'm an Otaku God-boy, don't you know? I'm an everything! > Pat: I'm working on it, all right? Joel (Pat): Yeah, in between solving Fermat's Last Theorem, finding the Cure for Cancer and a thinking of solution for Third World hunger. > Now, from what I can tell, there's no > permanent damage from the gas, but this isn't a thorough checkup. I really > wouldn't recommend going out there to fight. Crow: He's just saying that because he doesn't want to fight her! > Ukyo: [sarcastic] Thanks for the recommendation, "Doc." Tom (Bugs Bunny): Nyaaah... What's up, Doc? Crow: I dunno, but the rating for this fanfic is definitely down. Somewhere around my ankles. Joel: Naah, further. Crow: (thinks for a while) Saaaay... Australia? Joel: That's mean to Australia. > I can take care of myself. > Pat: [shrugs] Okay, but if you feel any dizziness... Joel: ...then flop to the ground and groan like the dead for a few hours. Tom: Y'know, if she's gonna have a hangover, she really shouldn't be drinking like that... > Ukyo: [brushing him off] Crow (Ukyo): Ewww! There's some Pat on my shirt! Tom: Stupid little pest... > Right, right, right. Joel: No, no, no! You should have gone *left* at that last turn! Oh, watch out for that wall... *smash* Bots: (hum death march) Joel: (Crosses himself) > [The three of them exit the school and enter the match grounds. There is a > considerable crowd and the rest of the contenders have arrived. Tom: All none of them. I mean, we all know only Ranma and Pat have a chance to win this thing... > Ranma and Pat pass by the rest of the male fighters Crow: The male animal issues a stare of challenge to its hated rival... > each having a score to settle > with one or the other. As the Principal begins to speak, everyone sits > down.] Joel: Unfortunately, there's one chair missing, so the tournament turns into a deadly game of Martial Arts Musical Chairs. > Principal: [speaking into a microphone] Welcome, everyone! I'll be brief... Tom (Principal): Or possibly underwear or bikini... > [everyone starts cheering. He clears his throat and restarts.] Crow: Well, that's what he gets for running Windows '95. > There is a > minor, almost insignificant change in the rules. It's nothing much, > really. Tom (Principal): Whoever pays me the biggest bribe... wins! Joel (Principal): Actually, all you have to do to win the contest is win every event at the next Olympics all by yourself! > Instead of having everyone fight everyone else, I am going to choose one > person to have everyone else fight. Tom (Principal): And if you have any requests, I'm listening. > Pat: I wonder who's the lucky soul? All: I WONDER! > [notices Beth in the crowd] Oh, great, my sister's here. As if things > weren't bad enough. Oh well. [goes over to her] Hey, sis. > Beth: Yeesss? Crow (Pat): (small voice) I'm scared! > Pat: Would you mind keeping an eye on my backpack? Tom (Pat): Yeah, I'm afraid it'll run away from me! > Beth: [malicious smile] Sure. It's just one more thing you owe me. > Pat: Oog. Joel: Eegah? > Principal: The fighter who can knock down Pat Lee is the winner. Tom: Oh, I see! Now Pat'll have an excuse for not winning! > Pat: [squeaky voice] Uh oh. [every fighter turns his or her head towards > him.] Definitely an "uh oh." Crow: What's that? Is Pat admitting that He was a mistake? > Principal: There are three rounds, each lasting four minutes. The match > ends if either fighter is thrown out of the ring or is knocked out. Joel (Principal): ...or manages to execute a quintuple jump triple axle. > If, at the > end of the three rounds there is no decision, the winner will be decided > by a coin toss. Tom (Principal): ...best forty-five out of ninety-nine tries. > That is all. [turns off the microphone, sits, and rubs his > hands in anticipation.] Heh heh heh. Crow (Principal): Oh my God! My hands are on fire! > That'll show him not to mess with me. > Referee: The first match will be Kodachi Kuno versus Pat Lee. Joel: One fall, one hour time limit! > [Kodachi makes > a dramatic entrance into the ring. Pat, somewhat meekly, also enters.] Tom: ...an promptly kneels down in front of Kodachi, begging her to not hurt Him. > Pat: [to the referee] Wait a minute. *I* have to fight *her*? Crow (Pat): I want *her* to fight *me* instead! > Referee: That's the general idea. Now, take your place... Tom (Referee): Get back to your seat and start rowing again, dammit! > Pat: [gets an idea] Crow (Pat): Y'know... if you want... I can do... favours for you... Just let me win this match, pleeeease... Joel: Crow... > Hold it! I can't fight *her*. She's not mentally fit to be here. > Referee: Not mentally fit? What do you mean? Joel (Pat): You know, nuts? > Pat: [whispering] Does a sane girl have to cheat? All: YEAH! > Referee: [shrugs] Most sane people do. All: EXACTLY! > Pat: [whispering] Yes, but *before* the actual contest? Why, just a few > minutes ago, she gassed the entire girls' locker room. Tom: Yeah, but that's just because she had burritos yesterday! > Referee: You don't say. Crow (Pat): Yes I do! Listen to me, dammit! > Pat: I've heard that she actually goes to her opponent's house and tries > to knock them out before the contest. Joel: Oh, come on! That's just her way of being friendly... > Referee: [agreeing] That *is* a bit odd. > Pat: No kidding. Tom (Pat): Yep. Of course, I happen to be lying through my teeth, but... Whoops! I didn't mean to say that out loud...! > Also, listen to her. [Kodachi cackles wickedly] Does a > mentally stable person laugh like that? Crow: Come on, lots of perfectly normal people laugh insanely! Like Naga and Jinnai, and Washu, and Ayeka and... um, never mind. > Referee: Good point. [to Kodachi] Excuse me, but you're disqualified. All: HUH? Crow: Since when do referees disqualify someone because their opponent says they're nuts?? Tom: Y'know, if I ever kill someone, I sure hope they can find a lawyer from the same place as that referee. > Kodachi: WHAT?! What do you mean, disqualified? Crow: You know, barred from competing? > Referee: The guy thinks you're nuts. Frankly, I agree. [takes her away, > ranting and raving all the while. Joel (Kodachi): The chickens made me do it! It's all the woodchuck's fault! Just ask Judge Ito over there! > He returns to announce the next match.] > Uh, due to a circumstances beyond our control, Kodachi Kuno will be unable > to compete in this contest. She expresses her deepest regrets... Tom: ...in words that really *aren't* fit for family viewing. > Kodachi: [calling out] I'll get you for this, gaijin! Crow: Or my name's not Raymond Dingleberry! Joel: She must have gone to the Snidely Whiplash School of Parting Repartees... > Referee: Well, anyway, the next match will be Pat Lee versus Tatewaki > Kuno. Joel (Referee): In a game of Twister! > Pat: Oh, fun. > Kuno: [saunters into the ring with his bokken.] Prepare to meet your doom, > gaijin. All (geeky voice): PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH! > Beth: GET A REAL SWORD!!! [laughs] Crow: Gaaah! Enough already! That joke's already started to rot! > Kuno: [backs off from the edge of the ring, then regains some of his > composure.] Tom: The rest having crossed the border to Mexico already. > I am going to enjoy this. Joel: He's going to enjoy getting the crap beaten out of him? > [The referee rings the bell and the match is on.] Crow (Kuno): Prepare to be vanquished, fetid swamp slime! Tom (Pat): Ha! You'll never defeat me, purveyor of all that is evil! > Beth: [cheering] Come on, little brother! You can beat that wimp! Crow: Wimp? It's Pat Lee versus Wesley Crusher in a fight to the death! > [The two of them circle the ring. Finally, Kuno charges Pat. Pat > somersaults over him, grabs on to his shoulders, and, landing, slams Kuno > hard onto the mat. Tom (Pat): Remember, this'll hurt you more than it'll hurt me! > Kuno almost immediately gets up.] > Kuno: [amused] Was that supposed to hurt? All: (groan) Crow: Now if *that's* not a cliche, I don't know what is! > Pat: No, *this* is! [kicks Kuno first in the gut, then in the chest, and > finally in the face. Tom: Actually, there was a bit of artistic license there. It was actually in the knees, in the thighs and in the crotch, in that order. > Pat then finishes up with his usual roundhouse kick. > All of this occurs within a second's time. Kuno is down and out.] Joel: In East L.A.? > Referee: The next opponent will be Ukyo Kuonji. Crow (Referee): ...and by special demand, this particular match will be a cook-off! > [Ukyo climbs in the ring, a bit unsteadily.] Tom: She's drunk. > Pat: [to Ukyo] Hey, are you sure you're up to this? Crow (Pat): Maybe if I wish hard enough she'll go away... > Ukyo: [fuming] I'm *fine*. All (Pat): DAMN! > [The match begins. Ukyo starts off with throwing a half-dozen of her mini- > spatulas. Pat has no way of dodging, so...] Crow: He gets impaled? > Pat: DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! All: ULTIMATE MEGAZORD POWER! > [the ki-shield coalesces just in time to repel > the projectiles. He drops it and continues to maintain his distance. Joel: He's afraid of intimacy! > Ukyo > then takes out her huge spatula in an attempt to squish him.] All: GO, UKYO, GO! > Wa ha hooo! [he dodges several "swats" Tom: Oh, look, there goes Pat's hand... > and eventually grabs it out of her hands.] Why the > heck do you need this? [tosses it out of the ring.] Joel: Hey, watch it with that thing! > Ukyo: [takes out an okonomiyaki stand, seemingly from nowhere] Shut up and > fight. Joel: I don't believe it! That's the one thousandth cliched line of dialogue in this fanfic! You know what that means...? Bots: What? Joel: Absolutely nothing. > Pat: Where does she get this stuff? Crow: Okonomiyakispace? Tom: Crow... that's just stupid. Crow: Okay... spatulaspace? Tom: Never mind. > [dodges for dear life several swipes. Crow: Think sentence that out I of is order. > Eventually, tired of dodging, he grabs her and tosses her out of the > ring.] Gomen nasai. Joel (Pat): I'm sorry I beat you up! I didn't mean to, really! I just couldn't help it! I mean... I'm Pat! > Ukyo: WAAUUUGGHHH! OOF! [lands in an empty seat. Puzzled, she gets up to > find a piece of paper on it. It reads, Joel: "This fanfic distributed by Edward D. Wood Jr. Productions, incorporated. > "RESERVED BY PAT LEE FOR UKYO KUONJI."] Crow (Ukyo): How *dare* he reserve a seat for me! > Why that little---! [crumples the paper] > Referee: The next opponent will be Akane Tendo. Tom: But first, these messages... Crow: We wish... > [there is a thunderous roar > from the crowd, particularly the male half.] > Pat: [to Akane] You know, I *really* don't want to fight you. All (Pat): I'M SCARRRRED! > Akane: Well, it's too late to back out now. Tom (Akane): I'll cook dinner whether you like it or not! > [The referee begins the match.] > Pat: By the way, have you thought about what I told you last night? Joel (Akane): Yes and, I'm sorry, but I don't love you. > Akane: This isn't the time or place for that! Crow (Akane): Save it for tonight, dear! > [As the match goes on, it becomes apparent to the audience that Pat is > very reluctant to fight Akane. Tom: Oh, so in other words, He's running away from her the whole time of the match? > He's constantly on the defensive and launches no > counterattacks. At the end of the three rounds, there is no decisive > winner, so the referee tosses a coin.] Crow: ...which goes right through Pat's forehead and makes Akane the winner by default. > Referee: Call it. Joel (Pat): Um... I think I'll call it "Steve". > Pat: Heads. [It ends up heads, making Pat the winner by decision. He says, > sarcastically] Oh yeah, I feel really great now. Tom: I don't care how many times you apologize for this fanfic, we *won't* forgive you! > Akane: [glaring at Pat] You were holding back, weren't you? Why? Is it > because I'm a girl? Crow (Pat): No, it's cause you're a... a... Oh, all right, it *is* because you're a girl. Happy now?? > Pat: No, it's because I don't want to knock out a friend. All: AWWW! Joel: Doesn't that just give your heart a warm, fuzzy feeling? Tom: I believe that's known as heartburn. > Referee: The next match will be Mousse versus Pat Lee. Tom (referee): ...first one to wash the other's hair wins! > [Mousse enters the ring, almost tripping over the ropes.] Crow (Mousse): Hey, who put that turtle there?! > Pat: [begins to get nervous] Aheh. [in Chinese] nose?> > Mousse: Joel (Mousse): I'll paint the hills with you blood, foul cur! Crow: Y'know, I'd be cheering for Mousse here, but... there really isn't any point, is there? > Pat: Oboy. [remembers something and goes to Ranma] By the way, Tom (Pat): Who *are* you? > what kind of martial art does Mousse practice? Crow (Ranma): Martial Arts Hair Salon. Tom (Ranma): Martial Arts Potty Training. Joel (Ranma): Martial Arts Quacking. > Ranma: He's a hidden weapons expert. > Pat: [crestfallen] Great. Just what I need. Joel (Pat): I've wanted to get a new Ginsu knife for *so* long! > [The match begins with Mousse throwing a chain. Pat dodges it, but several > more come his way. Crow: It must be love! > Pat manages to (barely) keep dodging it until the round ends.] Tom: "Barely" means that He leaves His right arm lying three feet away across the ring from Him. > Pat: [to the referee] Is it illegal to carry a concealed weapon in this > match? > Referee: Normally, yes. In this case, however, no. Joel: Normally, it would be but in this case, we *really* want to see the crap get beaten out of you. > [The second round begins. Pat is much more offensive than in the last > round. Crow: Just in case Pat hasn't offended everyone enough yet... > He makes his way towards Mousse and attempts what appears to be a leg > trip. Tom: ...but is actually an extremely complicated martial arts break-dancing technique. > Mousse dodges it by jumping up. However, Pat's leg snaps back and upwards, Tom: ...until He can comb His hair with His toes. Crow: Consequently, His kneecap falls somewhere into the third row at ringside. > catching Mousse in the gut as the latter begins to descend. Getting up, > Pat waits for Mousse to do the same. He does, and Pat gives him a open > handed punch to the heart. Crow: Colloquially known as a slap. > Mousse staggers back towards one of the posts.] > Pat: SPINNING HURRICANE KICK! All: INSECT KILLING PUNCH! > [Cornered and dazed, All: ...and confused. > Mousse takes three hits to the face. Joel: One, two, three hits you're out! > He collapses, only to stagger back up. Crow (Pat): Dammit, be a good little punching bag and stay down! > By this time, Pat has landed from his hurricane kick > next to Mousse. Pat grabs him by the nose.] Tom (Mousse): Oh, thanks! I was afraid it was gonna fall off! > Mousse: > Pat: [gives him a noogie] Joel: Here! I made it myself! > Woo woo woo woo woo > woo! [lets go of his nose and smacks him around the face] Nyuk nyuk nyuk > nyuk! Tom: Actually, I think Pat's an insult even to the Three Stooges. > [prepares to put Mousse out of his misery, but then steps back. Crow (Pat): And now I shall defeat you, oh foul fangled fiend! > It's > obvious to everyone that Mousse is barely standing. Instead of a grand > finish, Pat barely taps his opponent, who promptly collapses.] All: TIM-BER! > Referee: The next opponent will be Shampoo. Tom: ...and then Conditioner and then Gel and then Anti-Bacterial Soap! > Pat: [aghast] Shampoo? [she enters the ring, carrying her maces] I'm dead. All: I'm dead, Jim. > [The match starts. It becomes very evident that Shampoo is much more > ruthless than Pat's other opponents. Joel: She's *so* ruthless that she doesn't even let Him make snappy comments during the fight! > She's out to win, and Pat can barely block or dodge her attacks.] Tom: Oh, there goes the thumb! There goes the pinky! There goes the spleen! > Shampoo: Mousse!> > Pat: Crow (Shampoo): No, you're just stupid. That's *much* better. > Whoa! [dodges another mace > thrust] Tom (Shampoo): No, just *maim* you a bit! > Shampoo: [grins evilly] Joel: All I can say is, Shampoo has very good taste in people she doesn't want to marry. > Pat: [to himself] Oh yeah, that's really encouraging. Joel: Yeah, well here're some words of encouragement for ya... BURN IN HELL! > [As the match continues, Pat is almost totally outmatched. Crow: Until the end of the match, anyway. > Shampoo puts him on > the defensive and doesn't let up. She trips him and he falls down, > receiving a glancing blow from one of her maces in the process. Tom: We should've signed a petition for Shampoo's bonbori to get spikes. > Shampoo, eager for the > kill, jumps up really high, pointing the end of one of her maces towards > Pat as she descends. Tom (Shampoo): Die, you foul pile of worm-ridden cow droppings! > Pat, dazed, looks up just in time to see Shampoo coming down. Joel: So, anyone want to make the obvious joke? Crow: Allow me... It's almost raining cats and dogs out there! > He gets an idea. Trying to get up, he waits until the last possible > instant before impact. Crow: Unfortunately, he waits too long and... well, you know. > About a foot before her mace would have made Pat's > face a memory, he rolls out of the way. Tom: In response, she just smashes him with her *other* bonbori. > The impact results in a considerable > 10-foot diameter crater, ripping through the center of the ring in the > process. Joel: Hey, what'd the ring ever do to you! > After a few seconds, Shampoo rises out of the crater somewhat > unsteadily, and minus one mace. Pat sees his chance. Crow: ...and performs the dreaded Saotome Secret Technique! > Running towards her, > he lets her have it with a spin kick. Shampoo, already having put most of > her effort in trying to squish Pat, takes it full on the face. Tom: Oh, what a clever move! She attacked His foot with her face! > Pat then > grabs her and tosses her out of the ring, next to Ukyo.] Joel: ...and right into Mousse. Crow: Who promptly gets the equivalent of a full frontal lobotomy. > Pat: [lets out a long breath] I *don't* want to go through that again. > Referee: Uh, there will be a short delay as we repair the ring. Tom: Four little gnomes with buck teeth slide into the ring... > [Five minutes later, the ring has a new floor and the referee announces > the next opponent: Ryoga Hibiki.] Joel: Ah, boar versus bore. > Pat: [tiredly] What did I do to deserve this? Crow: Don't ask, please. It would take *far* too long to list everything. > [wipes his forehead] At this rate, I'm not going to last long. Tom: Yeah right, the world should be so lucky. > Ryoga: [practically growling] Pat... Crow (Ryoga): You will die for this, vile so-and-so! > Pat: Oboy. [to Ryoga] Why do you want to fight me? After all, I *did* save > your bac---[to himself] I'd better rephrase that. Tom (Pat): ...I did save your ham... No, that's not right either... > [to Ryoga] I *did* help you out a few times! > Ryoga: Why? Because you're an arrogant, meddling, know-it-all, that's why! All: (cheer *very* loudly) Joel: That sounds about right. > Pat: [taken aback] What? Tom: Oh, he was just saying you're you. > Ryoga: You're also blind and obnoxious! Joel: ...and so does that. > Pat: [trying to keep Ryoga calm] No, Mousse is blind. > [The match begins with Ryoga constantly pressing the attack. Pat dodges > amazingly well, considering he's survived a match with Shampoo. Crow: In other words, He only gets hit about a dozen times. > However, > he doesn't take the offensive. In fact, due to his worn out state, one of > Ryoga's ki-punches catches Pat in the left knee, complete with a sickening > crunching sound.] All: WHOO-HOO! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! GOOD JOB, RYOGA!!! Crow: But next, try to aim a bit to the right, okay? > Pat: AAGGHH!! [nearly collapses, but then shifts his weight.] Tom: ...to collapse onto his *other* side. > Ryoga: Heh. [notices that Pat *still* won't take the offensive.] Fight, > dammit! Crow (Ryoga): By the blood of my father, I will *make* you fight me, you putrid pile of bat guano! > Pat: [hobbles] No. And you can call me whatever you want. I still won't > fight you. Joel (Luke Skywalker): I'll never fight you, father! > Beth: [crying out from the audience] Hey, Ryoga! > Ryoga: [looks over in her direction] Wha? Crow (Beth): Hit him a few times for me! > Beth: Oink oink oink! Joel: Ahh, she's speaking Pattish. > Ryoga: [starts to get frustrated, then gets an idea] So, she's your > sister, huh? Tom (Pat): No, she's my brother, actually. > Pat: Yeah, what about it? [to himself] Ow...this really hurts! The thing's > probably dislocated. All: GOOD! > Ryoga: Then I ought to feel sorry for you. Tom: Actually, you oughta feel sorry for *her*. > If *she's* any indicator of what the rest of your family is like--- Crow (Ryoga): ...then you should just crawl under a rock and die! Actually, you oughta do that regardless of what your family's like, but... > Pat: [tenses up a bit] What about my family? Joel (Ryoga): Well, they're... they're... they're dumb! > Ryoga: [condescending] Oh, nothing...unless you like being a bunch of > pathetic losers! Joel: *clap clap clap* > Pat: [slowly, trying not to get angry] What did you say about my family? Tom (Ryoga): That they're the nicest people in the whole world. Except for everyone else, at least. > Ryoga: What, are you deaf now? [yells] I said they're a bunch of losers! Crow (Pat): Yeah, well, you fornicate with pigs! > Pat: [has just reached critical mass] That does it. You sonova--- Joel: Uh-oh... Swamp gas emission approaching! > Ryoga: [notices that Pat's hands have just started glowing blue.] What > the-? Crow (Pat): Now, foul cur, I will kill you until you die from it! > Pat: ROARING LION BULLET! [a ki-bolt blasts from his hands. It's Ryoga's > turn to dodge as he barely avoids the blast.] Tom (Ryoga): Hey! You're stealing my shtick! > Ryoga: [shocked] How--? Crow: Oh, it's Chief Sitting Pig. > Pat: ROARING LION BULLET! Joel: We heard you the first time, thanks! > [This time, the ki-bolt knocks Ryoga against one of the ring supports. Crow (Pat): Remember, this'll hurt the ring support more than it'll hurt you! > He recovers, trying to muster up a ki-bolt of his own.] Tom: Well, he should be depressed enough for one just due to having been forced to be in this 'fic. > Ryoga: ROARING LION BULLET! > Pat: DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! All: ACTION FIGURE POWER! > [Once again, the shield coalesces in time to deflect the projectile. Joel: Oh, and look! It went straight up... and there goes the shield... and... *splat* > Pat slowly limps towards Ryoga, the shield in front of him.] Tom: While Ryoga stands helplessly rooted on the spot rather than going around and attacking Pat from behind like any halfway *normal* person would. > Ryoga: ROARING LION BULLET! [the ki-bolt is deflected] ROARING LION > BULLET! All: ENOUGH ALREADY! Crow: That's the fifth time today! > [musters up a *huge* energy blast, but again, the bolt is deflected.] Crow: ...and it blows up the entire first three rows at ringside instead. > Pat: [by this time has reached Ryoga. Seeing that Ryoga is tired from his > efforts, he drops the ki-shield. Tom: ...and promptly receives a kick to the nether region. > He says, slowly] Finished? I'm not. Not by a long shot. Joel (Pat): I swear on the sword of my father's father that you will rue the day you messed with the mighty Pat Lee! > [Ryoga tries to drop kick Pat, but the latter simply dodges him. Tom: Wasn't He... injured? Did He magically heal himself? Crow: That would fit... > For every > punch or kick he attempts, Pat blocks or dodges it, getting in a hit in > the gut, face, or chest every time. All: BOOO! Crow: Lame. Very lame. I mean there's lame and then there's *lame*... and then there's this. > Pat grabs Ryoga's umbrella and tosses it away. Joel: (points off-screen) Oh, look it speared Kenny. > He then jumps over Ryoga, grabbing his shoulders, and slams him down > onto the mat. Ryoga staggers up.] All (Ryoga): That... didn't... hurt! > Pat: RISING DRAGON FIST! All: ...POWER MAXIMIZE! > [performs a ki-reinforced jumping uppercut. It > catches Ryoga in the gut and lifts him high into the air. Joel: Fly the friendly skies... > Pat lands on his bad leg.] AAGH! Crow: Oh, He hurt himself. Boo-hoo. > [Ryoga, however, has a somewhat longer journey to the ground. > He lands, rather inelegantly, on the mat. Tom: Ooo! Ladies and gentlemen, we have faceplant. > He staggers up, ready to fall back > at any moment.] Oohhh no. You're not getting away that easily. Crow (Pat): I will hound you to the end of creation, o malevolent pile of venomous rat food! > [grabs Ryoga > by the shirt front.] Woo woo woo woo woo woo! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Joel: Somewhere, Larry, Curly and Moe are crying. > Oh, a wise guy, huh? Tom: Actually, we've yet to see anything that could be described as wise in this whole fic. > [slaps Ryoga around several times in the face, followed by a > few knocks to his head. Crow (Pat): Hello? Anybody home?? > Pat then proceeds to tweak Ryoga's nose *hard*, > accompanied by a noogie. Finally comes the coup de grace Tom: He... pokes him in the eyes! > Pat grabs his adver- > sary's cheeks (one with each hand) and vigorously pulls them in and out, > creating an intriguing suction sound. Crow (Ryoga): Oh, yes! More, more! Joel: Crow... > He finally lets Ryoga collapse back on > the mat, having utterly humiliated him.] NEVER make fun of my family. Joel (Pat): Yeah, that's my job! Tom: Isn't it *our* job? Joel: Well... yeah. > [some students help drag Ryoga off the mat.] Tom (Student): Say, Ukyo, can I borrow your spatula? > Referee: The final opponent will be Ranma Saotome. All: (murmur prayers for Ranma) > Ranma: [having witnessed Ryoga's utter defeat] Swell. Crow: What is an adjective describing Pat Lee's head and/or ego? > [enters the ring] > Pat: [hobbling pretty badly, says to himself] I'm not going to win this > one. All: OOH, FORESHADOWING! > Ranma: Hey, are you going to fight like that? That leg looks pretty bad. Tom (Ranma): What's left of it does, anyway. > Pat: Oh, don't worry. It only hurts when I move. [to himself] Or laugh. > Or smile. Or breathe. Joel (Pat): Or moan, or rant, or complain... > [The final match begins. Neither opponent can get an edge on the other. > This goes on for the first two rounds. Crow (author): And I don't feel like actually describing it... so there! > In the third round, however, things are considerably different.] Tom: ...because Pat's gotten too tired to keep running away and Ranma thus manages to get in a few shots. > Ranma: [to himself] I've gotta put this guy away. Sorry, Pat. Joel: Oh, no need to apologize. *We* certainly don't mind... > [Pat tries, unsuccessfully, to get a hit in. Ranma is preparing to blow > him away.] Crow (Ranma): I'll huff and I'll puff... > Pat: [to himself] This guy's really good. All: (bored) Really? > Too bad I have to knock him out. > I don't think he'll be so cooperative as to let me throw him out. Tom (Pat): Of course, I *also* think that the Cubs are the best team on the planet. > Ranma: [to himself as he blocks Pat's blows] Bye bye, Pat. Joel: Bye! Don't forget to write! > [aloud] FLYING ASCENSION DRAGON DEFEAT! All: STUBBED TOE EXTERMINATION! > [throws his cool punch just as...] Crow: ...Pat has a heart attack. > Pat: RISING DRAGON FIST! All: SCROFULA ATTACK! > [Pat throws his ki-reinforced jumping uppercut.] Tom: ...after detaching His arm at the shoulder. > [The two special maneuvers collide. Joel: Ranma simply ignores Pat's punch and splatters him all over the ring. > Both of them are thrown back into their > respective corners. Pat was thrown back by the whirlwind force of Ranma's > Dragon Spiral. All: (cheer loudly) > However, the former got a good hit in before he was blown > away, knocking Ranma into a post. All: (boo and hiss) > The bell rings, and the final round is over.] Joel: Oh, there we go! We have lame cop-out! > Student1: What happened? Tom: Well, the author started to write this fic and then the earthquakes, volcano eruptions and avalanches started. Crow: The Lord was not amused.... > Student2: I dunno. How're they going to call that? Both are knocked out. Crow: Whichever one has more body parts remaining wins. > Student1: No, wait a minute! [points to where Pat is] Tom (Student1): He's dead! That means Ranma wins! > He's trying to get up. > Student2: [points to Ranma] So's Ranma! All: (hum Jeopardy theme) > Principal: [notices what's going on] Joel (Principal): Whosoever pulls this palm tree out of my head shall be the winner! > Whoever gets up first is the winner! > [Predictably, both of them get up at the same time.] Tom: You're right, that *is* predictable. > Referee: I'll have to toss a coin. [searches his pockets] Uh, does anyone > happen to have one? Crow (referee): Preferably with a large denomination? > Pat: Here you go. [tosses a quarter] Joel (referee): What's this yellow stuff all over it? > Referee: Thanks. [checks to make sure it isn't "fixed," then tosses it.] > Call it. Tom: I predict it'll land on its edge. > Pat: Tails. > [At thaat time, Pat's leg gives out. Ranma catches him before Pat falls.] Joel: ...and immediately starts to amputate... without anesthesia. > Referee: Heads! Crow (Pat): Um... can we make it best two out of three? > Ranma's the winner! [picks up the quarter and tosses it to Pat] Thanks. Tom (referee): Thank you for deigning to not win the tournament, oh great and beloved lord Pat! Even if you didn't actually *lose*... > Pat: Good job, Ranma. > [Ranma is grudgingly presented a trophy by the Principal. Joel (Ranma): Hey, this is plastic... and it has "Made In Taiwan" stamped on the back! > Pat is doing everything he can to keep from screaming in pain.] Crow: I know! Why don't you let me cut your tongue out! That'll definitely stop you from screaming! > Pat: [through gritted teeth] Uh, I hate to break up the festivities like > this, but Joel (Pat): ...I just saw my life flash before my eyes. And it was so *very* shameful... > could someone get me to a doctor? Tom: Saaaay, Jack Kevorkian? > [cut to 10 minutes later. Pat, wearing his backpack, is being helped to > Tofu-sensei's clinic. He's being supported by Beth (AAHH!). Ranma, at > Akane's insistence, is literally dragging Ryoga along.] Crow (Ryoga): Hey, I think you left my right kneecap back at the corner! > Akane: Ranma, don't you want to pick up Ryoga? Crow: Yaoi? Joel: Actually... no. Crow: Good. Ranma and Ryoga... I *don't* need to see that. Joel: Good Crow... Crow: Hey, I'm not *that* sick! > Ranma: [looks bored] Why? Tom (Akane): 'Cause we don't want the pigeons to get at him. > [They enter the clinic. Tofu-sensei examines both Pat and Ryoga.] Joel (Tofu): Well, I'd better call the morgue... > Tofu: Well, it looks like the knee's dislocated right about here [barely > touches Pat's knee.] > Pat: [in a *lot* of pain] GYEE! All: (sigh blissfully) > Tofu: Sorry. Anyway, all I have to do is pop it back into place. > Pat: [wary] Pop it back into place? Crow (Tofu): Yeah, hold still while I get my hammer and chisel. > Beth: [whispers to Akane] Are you sure he's good? Tom (Akane): No, but he's cheap. > Akane: [whispers back] He's a great doctor. Took care of me when I was > younger. Joel (Akane): aNd YoU cAn SeE hOw PeRfEcTlY i TuRnEd OuT! > Tofu: Well, here goes...[places his hands on Pat's leg. However, fate, > feeling particularly sadistic towards Pat today Crow: ...decides to drop a flaming meteorite into His lap. > intervenes in the form of > Kasumi opening the door of the clinic. She's carrying a basket.] Joel: ...filled with specially prepared poison toadstools for Pat! > Kasumi: Hello. > Tofu: [glasses steam up and a sickening SNAP! is heard as Tom: ...Pat's eyeball splatters into the ceiling. > he bends Pat's leg up ninety degrees---towards the ceiling.] All: OW! Tom: That'll leave a mark... > K-Kasumi... Joel (Kasumi): Dr. Tofu! Why are you tying Pat's legs around his neck? Tom (Tofu): It's a gift for you! > [Pat is trying not to scream. He's in so much pain, he's pounding on a > wall of the clinic, making a nice hole in the process.] Joel: Hey, that's vandalism! You're gonna have to pay for that, son! > Beth: Uh, Doc? What're you doing with my brother? Crow (Beth): ...and can I help? > Kasumi: [to Pat] Are you all right? > Pat: [hoarse whisper] Just fine. Don't mind me. Tom: Oh, okay then. We won't! > [stops pounding on the wall] > Tofu: Uh, wh-wh-what are you doing here? Crow (Kasumi): Oh, I was just getting lonely is all. I *so* want to be hold in you strong, manly... Joel: C...R...O...W... > Kasumi: [cheerfully] Oh, I just came over for a visit. I brought you some- > thing. [gives him the basket] Joel (Kasumi): Be sure not to let them escape before we get a chance to eat them! > Tofu: [puts it on his head] Oh, a new hat! > Kasumi: [smiles] It's inside. Tom: What, a new hat? > Tofu: [takes it off his head and looks inside] Joel (Tofu): Oh, worms. How nice... > Oh, cookies! Thank you! > [takes one out and proceeds to shove it in Pat's mouth.] Here you go, > Ranma! Crow: Hey, Pat! Be careful not to not choke! > Pat: [mumbling] Urm Peht! Tom: Oh, so now you speak fluent German, huh?? Crow (Pat): Ha! I speak fluent everything! After all, I'm Pat! > [translation: I'm Pat!] Crow: It's Pat! Okay everyone... Ready... aim... > Beth: Don't talk with your mouth full, Pat. Joel (Beth): In fact, just don't talk at all! > Pat: [mumbling] Gurmee uh brk wullyuh! [translation: Gimme a break, will > ya!] Tom: Ummm... No. > [swallows the cookie] Whew, that's better. Crow: Actually, we preferred it when you *couldn't* talk. > Beth: [to Tofu-sensei] Uh, Doc, about my brother's leg... Tom (Beth): Can you rip it out so I can get it home? > Tofu: Oh, silly me. Here you go. [CRACK! All: (wince) Joel: That's *gotta* hurt! > Tofu-sensei straightens out Pat's > leg. (This is pretty amazing considering his present state of mind.)] Crow: Completely pissed? > Pat: [winces, then tentatively flexes his leg] A little sore, but it > works. Joel (Tofu): Yep, and it'll keep working fine right until you get outside! > Ranma: [whispers to Pat] Time to get out of the line of fire. Tom: Ah, the long awaited sequel to "*In* the Line of Fire"! > [exits with Pat following him, limping slightly. Beth tags along.] > [Outside, the three of them start to discuss Tofu-sensei's behavior.] Crow (Pat): It's *so* scandalous! It's just unbelieeeevable! Tom (Beth): Oh, I know! I thought I would just *die*! Joel (Ranma): I mean, I *still* can't believe he went so far! > Pat: What is it with that guy? He just went crazy the moment he saw > Kasumi. Tom: Oh, and what tipped you off? The strange lopsided grin? The mad cacklings? The cross-eyed stare? > Ranma: He's always like that. Crow (Ranma): Except when he isn't, leastways. > I would've told you sooner, but I didn't think > you'd get hurt. You seemed practically invulnerable. Joel (Ranma): Please allow me the honour of falling prostate and worshipping your god-like feet! > Pat: [shakes his head] No way am I invulnerable. Otherwise...[gestures to > his knee] Tom (Pat): Otherwise, I'd still have this! > Ranma: Yeah, I get the point. Joel (Ranma): So *shut up already*! > Beth: So, Pat. How could you let a guy like that hurt you? Crow (Pat): Oh, come on... I *enjoyed* it... > Pat: This stuff isn't as easy as it looks. That guy was about to *kill* > me! Doesn't that mean anything to you? Joel (Beth): Well... do I get your room? > Beth: Sure it does. [smirks] It means I wouldn't have anyone to pick on. Tom: Well, that would be a tragedy, sure... but Pat being alive is *so* much worse... > [he rubs his temples and grumbles.] Anyway, I have some bad news. > Pat: What? You couldn't find amy more pictures of naked ladies around? Crow (Beth): This fanfic will be over soon. No, wait! That's the good news. Tom: Bad news is: there's a sequel. > Beth: [malicious smile] There are plenty of those around, Pat. No, I'm > leaving for home tomorrow night. [Pat looks skyward and mouths out "thank > you"] Tom: In response, a pile of still warm bird droppings lands on His head and he gets a peculiar image of God giving Him the finger. > Don't be so eager, little brother. *You're* headed home the next day, > remember? All: YESSSS! > Pat: [mood goes downhill] Oh. Yeah. [Akane and Kasumi exit the clinic.] > So, how's Ryoga? Joel: He flatlined several hours ago. Actually, he was getting along just fine until someone told him that this fanfic wasn't done yet and then... well, you know. > Akane: Tofu-sensei's still examining him. [they suddenly hear a > bloodcurdling scream from the clinic] Crow: Don't you just love the sound of bloodcurdling screams in the morning? > Tofu: [from the clinic] Oh, come on, Pat! Crow (Tofu): Don't you love me?? > How am I supposed to set your leg when you keep squirming around like > that? > Pat: I'd better get him out of there. Joel: *crunch crack splat* On second thought, cancel that... > Ranma: Why? It's not like Tofu-sensei's going to kill him or anything. Tom (Ranma): Yeah, he'll just... hurt him a lot. > [Everyone except Kasumi flinches at yet another of Ryoga's screams.] Crow: Hello, Kasumi! Anyone home? > Tofu: Relax! I know what I'm doing. Tom (Tofu): Yeah, I have a direct contract with Nazi Scientists to provide them with willing test subjects! > [various crunching sounds are heard] Joel (Tofu): Mmmm! Your shinbone tastes *great*, Ryoga! > Pat: I'm definitely going in there. [about to go in, but Beth stops him.] > What? > Beth: Hang on. [CRACK CRACK SNAP CRUNCH!] Okay, *now* go ahead. Tom: I like her. > Pat: You are sick, sis. Crow (Pat): And that's why I love you! > Beth: [beams a smile] I know. All (Beth): NYAAAH-NYAAAH! > [Pat goes back inside the clinic. He finds Ryoga bent at very odd angles, > struggling to move. Joel: Hey, he's doing an impression of an Escher print! > Tofu-sensei is dancing with his skeleton. Pat drags Ryoga out of the > clinic.] Tom: Hey, watch out for that bump...! Ow! > Pat: [calling out to Tofu-sensei] We'll be back in a while. [muttering to > himself] *Nobody* deserves this bone-crunching. Crow (Pat): Except possibly me! > [cut to later, after dinner. Pat is sitting on the porch when Akane > approaches him.] Tom (Akane): So, you got the stuff? > Akane: Pat? > Pat: [sits down] Yes? Joel (Akane): Can I kill you? > Akane: About what you offered me and my sisters...[pauses] Crow (Akane): Well, we've decided that we're not interested. Here's a noose to go hang yourself due to the shamefulness of rejection. > Pat: Go ahead. All: ...Make my day! > Akane: Thanks, but no thanks. > Pat: Okay. Crow (Pat): I guess I'll have to steal the Crown Jewels on my own then! > But, you know, I *have* to go back. Otherwise, you won't remem- > ber me, and everything'll be messed up. Joel (Pat): Of course, that'd be an improvement, but... > Akane: [sighs] It's just that...it's taken me a long time to get over Mom > dying. Crow: Oh, an unresolved Oedipus complex. > If I do what you're asking me to do, I... Tom (Akane): ...would shame her memory... No, wait! I'm doing that by being in this fic! Okay, I accept. > Pat: I understand. Guess it *was* pretty stupid of me to even think of it. Crow: Yeah, but then stupid is your natural state of being, isn't it? > After all, I don't know what you went through. Tom (Pat): ...and I don't care! > Akane:..... > [Ryoga approaches them, rather stiffly.] Joel: Oh no! Ryoga has tetanus! > Ryoga: Akane-san, will you please excuse us? > Akane: [gets up] Sure. Crow (Akane): Just remember, we don't need to get woken up by moaning noises at three o'clock AM again! > Pat: [doesn't bother to look up] I believe you owe me an apology...and a > debt. Tom (Pat): ...and a lifetime subscription to Time Magazine. > It's the least you owe me for what you did. > Ryoga: [with great difficulty] I...wanted to thank you for straightening > my bones out. Tom (Ryoga): Thanks to you I will never have to walk with a curved spine again. > Pat: [raises an eyebrow] And? Joel (Ryoga): And for straightening my... cartilage out? > Ryoga: I am in your debt for... Crow (Ryoga): ...two hundred and fifty eight dollars and thirty four cents or one million years, whichever comes first. > you not telling Akane. Tom (Ryoga): ...about our brief but bitter affair. > Pat: [gets up and looks him straight in the eye] Joel: He has to get up on a pair of stilts first, mind you. > No. You owe me a lot more. > Ryoga: How's that? Crow (Pat): Two hundred and fifty eight dollars and thirty *five* cents. > Pat: [impatiently] An apology... Tom (Pat): ...for forcing me at gunpoint to write this fanfic! > Ryoga: For what? > Pat: For starters...[points to his knee] Joel: Oh, oh! He's playing charades! Ummm... shoe... no... ground, ground! No... tremendous pain... no... > Ryoga: [incredulous] You *can't* be serious. I would rather... > Pat: What? Die? Crow (Ryoga): Yeah, you read my mind! > Ryoga: ..... Tom: ..utters an eloquent speech about how he will never yield to Pat's despicable harassment or ever condescend to offer Him an apology. > Pat: [crosses his arms] I'm waiting. Joel (Pat): You stay in that corner until you've apologized, young man! > [still no answer from Ryoga] Okay, here's the deal. Crow (Pat): I'll pay you twenty-five dollars an hour to sell crack to street kids, movie stars, religious fanatics, politicians and cops. Simple, no? > [uncrosses his arms and points a finger at Ryoga] Tom (Pat): I accuse you of the murder of Robert Carbuncle! > If you > act civil towards me and Ranma for the duration of my visit, and cooperate > with an...unusual request of mine Crow (Pat): It involves you and me, naked together in... Joel: Crow... > I will consider the matter closed. > Ryoga: [outraged] What!!?? Act civil towards that... Joel: That... what? buffoon? idiot? cur? dog? ... Well? > Pat: That's all you have to do. Tom (Pat): Well, that and pay me money on daily basis and shine my shoes three times a week and clean up after my meals and... > What, you can't act civil to Ranma for two > days? What's the matter? You *want* to be in debt to me forever? Crow (Ryoga): Yeah! It's been my secret strongest desire for years! > Ryoga: [grumbling] All right. What's the request? Joel (Pat): Oh, anything that doesn't have the words "Spice" and "Girls" on it will do. > Pat: I need to borrow your umbrella tomorrow. > Ryoga: Why? Crow (Pat): So I can jump off a cliff and find out whether or not Mary Poppins was fiction. > Pat: You'll see. All (Pat): (evil laugh) > [cut to much later. As usual, Pat is writing home to Phil.] Tom: Full name, Phil R. Up. > Phil: [voice-over] Dear Phil. Tom: Oh, he's talking to himself. > I have some good news and some bad news. Joel (Pat): The bad news: I'm alive. The good news: ...no, wait. There wasn't any. > Okay, bad news first Beth is going home tomorrow night (aahh! :-)) Crow: Come on, we really *don't* need to hear the sounds of your lovemaking! > Also, in that martial arts contest, I kind of got my knee dislocated. Tom (Pat): ...and I lost an eye, both ears, three toes, a chunk of the right side of my torso, most of my small intestine and my right arm. On the bright side, though, I've since discovered I'm ambidextrous! > I'm all right though. Crow: Please don't everyone hiss and boo at once. > The local chiropractor managed to fix it up, but not before screwing > it up. I'll tell you all about it a little later. Joel (Pat): ...when I've regained the use of my vocal cords. > I lost the contest, by > the way. There was a pretty strange rule change. The person who could beat > me up was declared the winner. Tom (Pat): I think this may have been something to do with an international poll of fanfic readers conducted shortly before the contest, but I'm not quite sure... > I wonder what happened to make the Principal > change his mind. As for the good news, I managed to hold out until the > last guy (not much in the way of good news, I know.). Crow: We don't mind. > I wonder...[gets an idea] Joel (Pat): ...does beer grow on trees? > Talk to you later, Pat. Tom: So, was He writing to Phil or to Pat? > [gets up and heads towards Nabiki's room and knocks on the door.] > Nabiki: Who is it? Crow: Santa Claus! Tom: The tooth Fairy! Joel: The Walrus and the Carpenter! > Pat: It's me. We need to talk. > Nabiki: Now? Tom (Pat): No, yesterday! > Pat: Yes, now. [she opens the door] I'd like to know something. > Nabiki: What? Joel (Pat): What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Bots: African or European? > Pat: What do you suppose made the Principal change the rules like that? > It's almost like he had something personal against me. Tom: Maybe he just has good taste? > Nabiki: Well, there *was* that note on his back. > Pat: [suspicious] How'd you know about that? Crow (Nabiki): Well, there are these fabulous, mysterious objects called "eyes"... > Nabiki: He was skating around with... > Pat: No, how'd you know that it was me? The only people that were around > were Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, and me. Joel (Pat): ...and Mayor Quimby and Reverend Lovejoy and Chief Wiggum and... > I don't think any of them would ruin the surprise. > Nabiki: I could tell it was you by your handwriting. Crow (Nabiki): Oh, and the fact that you signed it sort of helped. > Pat: [disappointed] Uh huh. > Nabiki: What? Tom (Pat): The store had no jubejubes... my life has no meaning now! > Pat: Why'd you sell me out? Joel (Nabiki): It's in my blood. Literally! I have green blood cells instead of white! > Nabiki: What makes you think it was me? Tom (Pat): Hey, I know everything, remember? I'm Pat! > Pat: Well, earlier today, you went to the Principal's office. I know that > you cover your tracks well enough so that you usually don't go there. > Also, you happen to have a long history of selling out to people. Crow (Pat): From when you sold out to the Yankees after World War Two all the way until you sold Japan to Bill Gates. > Nabiki: Who says? > Pat: [counting on his fingers] Ranma, Akane, your father, Mr. Saotome... All: ...and a partridge in a pear tree! > Nabiki: Okay, so I maybe told him about you. What about it? > Pat: What about it? Tom: Well, I dunno about Pat, but the three of us were wondering where we can send the check. > Nabiki, we've been writing to each other for the last > five years! I'd think that there was some kind of trust between us. Joel (Nabiki): You don't really believe I care what *you* think?! > Nabiki: Hey, if I can sell out my family, I can sell out my friends. Crow (Pat): Oh. I guess that makes sense. > Pat: I noticed that you don't have too many of those. > Nabiki: Wha? Tom: Settle down, everyone! The Dean is preparing to lecture to us! > Pat: In fact, I haven't seen anyone talk to you at school for anything > other than begging you not to blackmail them. Money doesn't buy > everything, you know. Joel: Sure it does! I mean, gimme a hundred bucks and watch me smile! > Nabiki: No, but it does make someone really comfortable. Crow: Score a point for the opposition! > Pat: For what? A life of loneliness? A life without friends? Tom (Pat): ...a life without love? A life without comfort? A life without money? No, wait; cancel that last one. > Nabiki: Who needs friends? Joel: Well, judging by the numbers, the rich need whole cartloads of 'em... > Pat: Everybody. You know, I'm not really surprised that you sold me out. > In fact, I expected it. > Nabiki: You did? Tom (Pat): I read the script. > Pat: Yup. I also know that, past that scheming and conniving exterior, > you're a nice girl. Joel: Aww! I'm getting that warm, fuzzy feeling again... Excuse me while I retch. > Why do you think I wrote to you so often? > Nabiki:..... Crow: (Nabiki): I dunno, but I'm sure you're about to tell me. > Pat: It's just too bad that you think money solves all your problems. Tom (Pat): Never mind that you're right... > Good night, Nabiki. [leaves] > Nabiki: [thinks over what Pat's just said] Damn him! I hate it when he's > right. Joel: You must lead a very unhappy life then... > [The next day, Pat and Beth are about to put their plan into motion. The > two of them go up to Happosai's room. Crow: ...to commit incest. Joel: Crow! > Pat knocks on the door.] > Pat: Master Happosai? Tom (Happosai): Recite the entire fifty-verse password entitled "The Joys of Hentai" and I'll consider letting you in. > Happosai: [from inside] Yeeessss? Joel (Pat): Can you teach me the art of being likeable? > Beth: [whispering] Why are you calling him "master?" Tom (Pat): 'Cause he owns me. The serial number's on my right shoulderblade. > Pat: [whispering back] You don't make friends by calling them a pervert. > [to Happosai] May I come in? I need to borrow something. Crow (Pat): A clue. > Happosai: [opens the door.] Borrow something? Like what? [notices Beth and > starts gaping at her] Tom (Pat): Money. I need to make Nabiki sell out to me. > Beth: [to herself] I hate this guy already. Joel (Beth): But not *nearly* as much as I hate my dear brother! > Pat: [clears his throat] I need to borrow the nanban mirror. > Happosai: [stops his drooling] What? Crow (Pat): I need to borrow the Shield of the White Oxen. > Pat: I'm prepared to give you these. [takes out a *huge* stack of what > appear to be girlie magazines] Tom: But are actually cleverly disguised golf magazines. > Also, you get a nice leisure suit out of it. > [Beth gives him a bundle of clothes.] > Happosai: Gimme! [jumps up and down, reaching for the magazines] Tom (Pat): (pretends Happi lands on his foot) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. > Pat: [slightly impatient] The mirror... Joel (Pat): You must bring me the Jade Mirror of Power! > Happosai: Oh, all right! [goes back into his room. He returns with the > nanban mirror.] Here! Tom (Happosai): Now get outta my sight! > Pat: Thank you. > Beth: Hey, why don't you try out that suit? > Happosai: Now? Crow (Pat): D'Oh! He saw through my clever ploy! > Pat: [fumbling] It, uh, it'll... Tom (Pat): ...make you look young and sexy! > Beth: It'll get girls' attentions! Joel (Beth): ...just before they start running away in fear, that is. > Happosai: [puts it on over his clothes.] Not a bad fit. Although, white > isn't really my color. Tom (Happosai): I prefer a combination of maroon and orange, personally. > Pat: Oh, how careless of me. Look, sis, a loose button. > Beth: And a loose belt hoop. What shoddy work. Crow (Beth): And look, they even left a hole around where the head would be! (Sigh) Tailors today... > [tries very hard not to > giggle in anticipation of what'll happen next] Here, let me pull it out! Tom (Beth): Hold on while I get a knife... and open your legs... > [she does, and the pants start inflating. Pat does the same for the suit > top.] Joel: Hey, they're assaulting a poor, defenseless old man! How dare they! > Happosai: WHAT THE--?! [the end result of the dual inflations is that he > looks very much like a large golf ball. Crow: Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen now... > His head, feet, and hands are protruding from the "suit" so that he can't > move.] Tom (Happosai): Help! I've inflated and I can't get up! > Pat: [tapes on the headphones to the pervert's head and turns on the > volume setting to WHOA! BOY ARE YOU DEAF!] Crow: Joel, I didn't know cassette decks had settings like that. Joel: Neither did I... > Here, have some music! Tom (Pat): Have all the music you *want*! Bwahahahahaha! > [dribbles Happosai > down the stairs, totally disorienting him. Beth starts chuckling > maliciously.] Joel (Beth): Kasumi, dear, are you ready with the stew? > Happosai: WAAUUUGGHH! [he can't even reach the headphones because of the > inflated suit.] Tom: Oh my God! They're forcing him to listen to Nine Inch Nails! Truly a fate worse than death! > Pat: How about we go outside? [dribbles Happosai onto the porch. He > finally stops and places the dizzy pervert on the grass. Crow (Happosai): Hey, you're gonna leave grass stains all over my nice new suit! > Ryoga is waiting outside.] Ryoga, your umbrella, please? Tom (Pat): Let's find out if I can kill him via stab wound before the air rushing out of his suit allows him to move again! > [he hands it to Pat. Beth comes outside.] Is everybody ready? > Beth: Let him have it, Pat! Joel: Oh, they bought him a present! How nice! Crow: You know what it is? I bet you it's a lifetime subscription to Hustler. > Pat: [takes off the headphones and yells:] FOOORRRREEE! > Happosai: [small voice] Fore? Crow: Nope, sorry! The answer is actually five. Since it seems you can't do elementary calculus, I sentence you to eternal torment in the deepest pits of Hell! > [Pat swings the umbrella like a golf club. He hits Happosai into the sun.] Tom: Hole in one! > Pat: [to Ryoga] Scratch one part of your debt. > Beth: You owe something to him? Joel (Pat): Yeah. He sued me for putting him into this fanfic. > Ryoga: No, just the opposite. [to Pat] My umbrella? Tom (Ryoga): I want my umbrella! It provides me with comfort during my deepest nightmares! > Pat: [hands it to him] Oh, here you go. [takes out the mirror and an > onion.] And now... Crow: ...He'll confound your senses--especially your common sense--and constrict your money bag, ladies and gentlemen... the incredible, the amazing, Pat... LEE!! All: *huzzah* > Ryoga: Wait! Where are you going? Joel (Ryoga): ...and do they have cable TV there? > Pat: Oh, nowhere special. I'll be back in a few minutes. [rubs his eye on > the onion. Tom: Being careful to remove the eye before rubbing... > A tear falls on the mirror.] Take me back five years ago, Septem- > ber 15, to this very porch. [A flash of light temporarily blinds all > present. When it fades, Pat is gone.] All: (cheer very loudly) Joel: And stay that way! > Beth: Nice exit. Tom: Well, as long as it *lasts* I don't care what sort of exit it is. > [Scene: September 15, five years ago. Pat appears on the same porch, > holding the nanban mirror. Crow: ...and gets struck by a bolt of celestial fire. > It appears that it's sometime in the afternoon.] > Pat: Whoa! What a ride! Joel (Pat): I can see the colours... > [shakes his head and Tom: ...it falls off. > puts the mirror inside his > jacket. He says, to himself:] Well, I'm here. What am I supposed to do > now? What time is it? All: IT'S VADER TIME! > [looks around to see someone in both the house and the dojo.] Joel: ...at the same time? > No time like the present to ask. [knocks on the door. Tom: A sign on the front says "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE" > An older woman answers it. She has a very kind face Crow: ...her face always gives money to charity. > reminiscent of the three sisters.] Joel: Urd, Skuld and Belldandy? > Woman: Yes? > Pat: Are you Mrs. Tendo? Crow (Mrs. Tendo): No, I'm Mr. Tendo... you sorta caught me at an inopportune moment. > Mrs. Tendo: Yes. Why? Tom (Pat): What would you say if I told you you've just won a million dollars? > Pat: [tries to think of something to say. Nothing comes to mind.] Joel: With his mind, no wonder. > Uh, well... I was just... I mean, I... > Mrs. Tendo: Is something wrong? Crow (Pat): Well, you're dead but other than that, no. > Pat: No. It's just that... Joel (Pat): I just wet myself... > I came all this way and I can't think of anything to say. > Mrs. Tendo: [concerned] Are you lost? Tom (Pat): Well, no, not except for my soul. > Pat: No, I'm...[looks around] Crow (Pat): Quick, someone tell me who I am! > I'm where I want to be, ma'am. [to himself] > I'm getting nowhere fast. She probably thinks I'm some sort of weirdo. Joel (Pat): Of course, she's right but... > [to Mrs. Tendo] So, how're your daughters? > Mrs. Tendo: They're fine. [concerned] Why? Is something wrong with one of > them? Crow (Pat): No, I was just planning to buy them and I wanted to check if any of them were damaged. > Pat: No, the three of them are just fine. > Mrs. Tendo: How do you know I have three daughters? [puzzled] Have we met > before? Tom: Oh, come on! If you'd already met Pat, you'd have crawled into a hole somewhere and died by now! > Pat: [shakes his head] No, but I've heard a lot about you. Crow (Pat): Yeah, your shoe size, your measurements, your deepest and darkest secrets... > Uh, could I please come inside? I've got a long story to tell. Joel: ...and I've got to rob you blind too! > Mrs. Tendo: [hesitantly] All right. Tom: Oh, *sure* she just lets a complete stranger into her home. Crow: She must have sensed Pat's Godlike aura. > [He enters the house. Not much will > change in the next five years. He habitually sits down in the parlor. Crow: Come into my parlour... > She finds this somewhat odd.] So, what's your name? > Pat: It's Pat. Joel: Oh, my God, it's Pat! RUUUUUNNNN! > [pauses] Now, this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but > it's all the truth. Tom (Pat): Evil aliens from Sagittarius are taking over key figures in our government as we speak... > [takes a deep breath to prepare himself] Has your husband > ever told you about his training with Happosai? Tom (Pat): About the visceral torture and humiliation? > Mrs. Tendo: No. Well, bits and pieces, really. He doesn't want to remember > those days. Why? > Pat: Well, [takes out the mirror] I got this from him. Crow (Pat): Mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the most egocentric in the land? > Mrs. Tendo: How? Soun tells me that he and a friend of his sealed him up > in a cave! Joel (Pat): Yeah, well, he lied. > Pat: Mr. Saotome, right? Crow (Mrs. Tendo): No, a mister Jones. What's a Saotome? > Mrs. Tendo: How--? Tom (Mrs. Tendo): How did you manage to have that perfect complexion? > Pat: [continuing] And he has a son named Ranma who's about Akane's age, > and a wife named Nodoka Crow (Pat): ...and three golden stallions and a sprawling estate on a remote Pacific island! > right? And, your husband and Mr. Saotome promised to > have one of your daughters and his son married. > Mrs. Tendo: How do you know all this? Crow (Pat): Cause I'm a Godlike Otaku Avatar Character and I know everything! It's right here in my contract. > Pat: [lets out a long breath] I'm from the future. Joel: The not too distant future? Bots: Huh? > Five years, to be precise. I was...staying with your family there. Tom (Pat): Until the house collapsed, that is. > Mrs. Tendo: Why are you here? Joel: That's what *we'd* like to know... > How did you get here, assuming you're telling the truth? Crow (Mrs. Tendo): And what sort of cologne are you wearing? > Pat: [holds up the mirror] This lets whoever holds it to travel wherever > and whenever he or she desires. Tom (Pat): ...except for a small city outside Baghdad in May, 1720, for some reason. > As for why, well, [pauses] I guess it's to let > you know that everthing's going to turn out all right. All: UH-HUH; SURE! > Mrs. Tendo: Does something happen to me? Joel (Pat): Well, you die. Have fun! > Pat: I can't tell you. I'd like to, but I can't. Tom (Pat): I'm forbidden to do so by the Prime Directive! Crow (Pat): You'd have to kill me if I told you. > [gets up to leave] I > think I've taken up enough of your time. Thank you, for everything. Crow (Pat): Your money, your jewelry, your mutual funds, your deeds to this dojo... > Mrs. Tendo: Wait. [Pat stops in his tracks] How are my daughters? In the > future, I mean. Tom (Pat): Well, Nabiki's in jail for fraud, Kasumi's in a psychiatric hospital and little pieces of Akane are probably floating all around the sewer by now. > Pat: [turns to face her] Well, Akane is very strong. She says that she > still hates boys, but I think that she really likes her fiance. Nabiki, > she's smart and never gets into any trouble. Joel (Pat): ...except that one time Don Corleone came around saying something about a small loan. > As for Kasumi, well, she's very calm and peaceful. Tom (Pat): ...but is secretly a dangerous psychotic. > [notices the time] Don't they usually come home now? > Mrs. Tendo: Yes. Joel: You know, people say that a lot around Pat, don't they? > Pat: [grabs the mirror and puts it back under his jacket] I have to go. > It's important. [looks back] Goodbye, Mrs. Tendo. Crow (Pat): ...and thanks for all the fish! > [goes out on the porch. Sure > enough, all three sisters are walking home. He sits down and calls out to > them.] Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane! Crow (Pat): Wanna have an orgy? > How do you do? > [They approach Pat cautiously. Akane has a bandage on her cheek, > presumably from a fight.] Tom: Actually, she cut herself shaving. > Kasumi: Do we know you? > Pat: [shakes his head] Joel (Kasumi): Oh, thank God! > Not yet. Joel (Kasumi): Dang! > Akane: Who are you? > Pat: Does it matter? > Akane: Well, yes. Tom (Pat): Okay, then I'm your Lord and Savior. Feel free to bow down before me. > Pat: It's not really important. Crow (Pat): Sort of like me! > Nabiki: Why are you on the porch? > Pat: I just wanted to sit down for a few minutes. Joel (Pat): Yeah, walking out of your house is so tiring. > [notices Akane's bandage] > Another fight, Akane? [amused] Pretty soon, the boys won't want to be near > you. Tom: Yeah, well, that'll happen if you get a sex change. > Akane: Good, because I hate boys! All: (yawn) > Pat: [chuckles at this. Some things remain the same. Crow: Like Pat's ability to irritate the *hell* out of us! > He gestures to an empty > spot next to him.] Would you care to sit down? It's a really nice day. > It'd be a shame to waste it. Tom: Oh, He's gonna molest them. Joel: Isn't He doing that just by being there? > [They reluctantly sit down a respectable distance > away from him.] Look around. [gestures to the neighborhood] What do you > see? Joel (Akane): Oh, nothing much. Houses, trees, grass, a meteorite shower about to land square on your head... Why? > Akane: [looks around] Nothing. Nothing's going on. Joel (Akane): Yeah, that's right... nothing! Nothing, I tell you! > Pat: Exactly. It's quiet. Peaceful. [sighs] This is a nice neighborhood > you live in. Tom (Pat): ...and it's gonna stay like this right until I arrive! > Nabiki: Oh, it's okay. > Pat: Yeah, I guess you're right. [gets up and limps a bit] > Kasumi: Are you all right? Crow (Kasumi): I think someone ought to take a look at that knee... Hold on a sec while I get my chainsaw... > Pat: [smiles] Never better. [realizes something] Oh, Akane? > Akane: Yes? Crow (Pat): Do you want to make beautiful music together? > Pat: Did you happen to get pen pal letters today? Tom (Pat): ...can I borrow them for my litter box, I mean bed? > Akane: Oh, right! [suspiciously] How did you know? Joel (Pat): I've been spying on you for years; why? > Pat: Oh, I happen to have had a little experience with pen pals. > Akane: [takes off her backpack and digs a letter out of it. She gives the > letter to Nabiki.] Here you go. I don't want to write to some stupid boy. Crow: Oh, well, sorry Pat! I guess that's just too bad for you then... > Pat: [ironic] You never know, Akane. Maybe someday, that "stupid boy" > might visit this place. Tom (Akane): Well, seeing as he's you, I sure hope not! > Akane: [shakes her head] Not if I don't write to him. Crow: Oh, there's a good idea! Maybe if they were to throw away the letter, this fic would never take place! > Pat: [to Nabiki] You mind if I see that, please? [she gives him the > letter. Sure enough, it's his first pen pal letter.] Tom (Pat): Hmm... my spelling seems to have gotten worse since this letter... there's only a dozen errors on this page. > Oh, he won't be so bad once you get to know him. Joel: Now that, sir, is a bald faced lie! > [hands the letter back to Nabiki] Thanks. I've got to go. Crow (Pat): ...and kill myself. > [to Kasumi] Take care of these two, all right? [heads out of sight, > limping slightly. He takes out the nanban mirror and an onion. Rubbing the > onion in his eye Tom: ...He is greatly surprised when said eye falls out. > he lets a tear fall on the mirror.] Take me back to this spot, five > years from now. [He vanishes in a bright flash of light.] Joel (Pat): Yeah, get me out of this pointless subplot already! > [cut to the present, just after Pat has disappeared. Beth is looking > rather bored at the moment, considering exactly what to say to Ryoga to > make him crazy. Tom: Anything with the word "pig" in it should do. Crow: Actually, she could take off all her clothes and... Joel: Crow... > However, Pat reappears directly behind her in a blinding flash of > light. She turns around, unfazed.] > Beth: So, how'd it go? Crow (Pat): Badly. I think I've figured out what put Akane off boys, though. > Pat: [shrugs] The universe didn't end, so I must've done something right. > Ryoga: Where *were* you? Joel (Pat): In a plot contrivance. > Pat: Oh, here and there. Mostly here. > Ryoga: [confused] Huh? Crow (Pat): Oh, forget it! It's much too sophisticated for you! > Beth: [notices what looks like a bamboo sword near the kitchen.] Hey, > what's that? > Pat: Looks like a bamboo sword to me, sis. Tom (Beth): Well, seeing as it's a telephone book, I think you need your eyes checked... > Beth: [goes inside and picks it up. She grins evilly.] I wonder if this > would hurt? Tom: Why don't you try it out on his Holiness over there? > [Just then, Kuno, complete with red rose bouquet. Joel: ...does what? Soliloquizes? Declares himself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High (TM)? Flops to the ground unconscious? *What*? > He looks rather bruised up due to Friday's match.] > Pat: So, what's with the roses? Crow (Kuno): They're for you, my love! > Kuno: Nothing you would understand, gaijin. I merely came to declare my > love for Akane... Tom: ...and the pig tailed girl! You forgot the pigtailed girl! > [notices Beth with the bamboo sword, a malicious gleam in her eye.] ERK! Crow: This description of Pat is missing a letter at the front... > Gaijin, if you have any respect for me, any at all, you will not > allow her to come near me. Joel (Pat): Oh, sure thing. Hey, Beth! > Pat: [notices that Beth is eagerly creeping up to Kuno, itching to try out > her new toy. He keeps her away from Kuno.] Easy now, sis. Take it easy! Crow (Pat): The human body wasn't *meant* to go for so long! > Beth: Lemme at him! Just one hit. [slowly] One BIG hit. > Pat: Hey, wait a minute here. Tom: Oh, someone stop time! Pat has to ramble! > [to Kuno] Why should I help you? Ever since > I arrived here, you said you were going to kill me! And now, you expect me > to keep my sister away from you? HELL NO! Joel: If you think this fic sucks, gimme an "HELL YEAH!" All: AWWW, HELL YEAH! > [to Beth] Sic him! Tom (Pat): But try and keep the blood from splattering too badly! > [He releases her All: RELEASE THE HOUNDS! > and Kuno bolts off with Beth in close pursuit. She gets in > quite a few hits to several, uh, tender spots on his body. Akane comes > outside, looking for something.] Joel: A way out of this fanfic? Tom: An altar to worship Pat at? Crow: Sex? Joel: (sighs) > Akane: Has anyone seen my spare bamboo sword? > Pat: Yeah. Beth borrowed it to get rid of some, uh, pests. Crow: There's more than one Tatewaki Kuno? > Kuno: KYAAAAA!! GET AWAY FROM ME! Tom (Kuno): I'm gay, dammit! > Beth: Stand still! How am I supposed to hit you if you keep dodging like > that? > Akane: Oh. [changes the subject] Well, how did it go? Joel (Pat): Well... you see the way reality is warping around us? > Pat: It went all right. Your mother was a very nice lady. Tom (Pat): I still can't believe she's related to *you*! > [mischievious smile] Oh, by the way... > Akane: What? Tom (Pat): You wanna go to the computer lab and play RPGs? > Pat: Don't call me a "stupid boy." Crow (Akane): Why not? It's true... > Akane: [blushes as she remembers what she said.] Oh. Well, I... Crow (Akane): ...stand by my opinion of your overwhelming intellect. > Pat: S'right. I'm just kidding around with you. You know, it really was > quieter back then. Joel (Pat): ...before I came along to ruin everything. > [Just then, Happosai finally comes down. Tom: Hey, Pat! Incoming! *splat* Oh, forget it. > He bounces several times before finally rolling to a stop.] > Happosai: WAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! OOF! Joel: Before disembarking from the flight, be sure to swear at the stewardesses and return your three year old, moldy packets of complimentary peanuts... > Pat: So, how'd you like your tour of the atmosphere? > Happosai: When I get my hands on you, I'll... Crow: Come on, come on! Tell us! > Beth: [has stopped chasing Kuno with the sword. She notices that Happosai > is now on terra firma.] Oh, shut up, you dirty old man. [tosses him a > girlie magazine. He starts drooling over what he can see.] Tom (Happosai): Oh, this is beauti... Hey, this is Newsweek! Who do you think I am? > [They go inside. Pat heads up to Nabiki's room and knocks on the door.] > Pat: Nabiki? It's me. Joel (Pat): Can I insult you some more? > Nabiki: Go away. Joel (Pat): But, it's me! Paaaat *sniff*... > Pat: No, listen to me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Crow (Pat): I'm sorry for being me! > [no response] Dammit! We've always been able to talk to each other before. > Why not now? Tom (Nabiki): Because I've come to my senses, that's why! > Nabiki: [opens the door] This had better be good. Crow: Good, in this fic? > Pat: I...just came to apologize about what I said last night. I had no > right to say that to you. How you live your life is your decision. Tom (Pat): Of course, I use the term "life" loosely here... > Nabiki: No, you were right. I don't have that many friends. And...I guess > I'd count you as probably my best friend. Joel: That really *is* pathetic. > Pat: Yeah, same here. Joel (Pat): Yep, that's right! I'm pathetic too! > I guess I was a little ticked off because you actually sold me out. > Nabiki: What? You were expecting me to be totally honest? Crow (Nabiki): I mean, that's like expecting Ranma to never get wet! > Pat: [shakes his head and smiles] Nah. Too much to hope for. > Nabiki: Yeah, I guess it is. > Pat: [pauses] I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving tomorrow. > I... Tom (Pat): What's that noise? It sounds like you're dancing around joyously in there! > Nabiki: What, you wanted to make peace with me before you left? Joel (Pat): No, I already told you! I just want to insult and laugh at you some more! > Pat: Yeah, something like that. [extends his hand] Friends? Crow (Nabiki): Ummm... Bite me! > Nabiki: [takes his hand and shakes it.] Always. And if you tell anybody > about this... Joel (Nabiki): I'll kill you! > Pat: Hey, we've been writing to each other for five years. You should know > me at least as well as I know you. Crow (Nabiki): Yeah, but I don't have your nigh-Godlike insight into the human soul. > Nabiki: Good point. [releases the handshake] Tom (Pat): Wow! That must be the first one of my life! > Beth: [calling from downstairs] Hey, Pat! How about a game of > "pervertball?" Joel: Hmm... (turns to look at Crow) Crow: (sinks into his seat slightly) > Pat: Be down in a minute! [to Nabiki] Thanks. > Nabiki: For what? Tom (Pat): I don't know. But I'll tell you when I figure it out! > Pat: The last five years of my life. Especially the last two weeks. Joel: Yecch! How WAFFy. Tom: Y'all want some wine with that cheese? Crow: You know, there's a complex scientific description for this... CRAP! > Nabiki: Well, I should really thank that weird guy on our porch. Crow (Nabiki): ...for two weeks of *hell*! > Pat: You wanna know something? > Nabiki: What? Joel (Pat): I completely forgot to become your boyfriend! I broke one of the cardinal rules of Ranma self-insertion! > Pat: That was me. > Nabiki: [shocked] What? How? > Pat: It's a long story. Tom: Please note, "long" equals "boring and stupid". > Nabiki: I've got time. Crow (Nabiki): ...and insomnia. > Pat: I'll tell you on the way downstairs. Beth and I are going to play a > game of "pervertball." > Nabiki: Really? What're the rules? Joel: Well, the object is to injure Pat as much as possible using Happosai as a weapon. > Pat: With her, you never know. Tom (Pat): But it probably involves pain and humiliation. (laughs) Isn't it great?! > [Later, Pat is walking towards the Nekohanten. He's about to settle > something with Shampoo. Crow: He's carrying an uzi and several hundred rounds... > He enters the restaurant.] Tom: ...and gets His head chopped off! > Pat: [looks around] [walks around the place > to find Shampoo sweeping up.] Crow: ...duck feathers. Joel (Shampoo): Our special today is Peking Duck! > Shampoo: [glaring at him] <*You*. What do you want?> [takes out one of > her maces.] Joel (Pat): Yeah, basically. > Pat: [holds out his hands in front of him] Crow (Pat): I offer myself as a virgin sacrifice! > you.> Tom (Pat): Gimme a hundred bucks and no one has to hear about your loss... > Shampoo: [tentatively puts down the mace] > Pat: > Shampoo: Crow (Pat): Hey, that's a good idea! Why didn't *I* think of that?! > Pat: *don't* want to be settled down at 16.> Joel: Same difference. > Shampoo: > Pat: If you don't mind me saying so, you technically defeated yourself.> > Shampoo: [fuming] Crow: Huh? You two remember anything like that? > Pat: didn't defeat you. Joel: Strange, where I come from, knocking someone out does constitute beating them. > Also, I'm technically not an outsider, so the rules don't > really apply to me. Besides, who's to define a person as an outsider? Tom: Well, her tribal elders probably would... but who cares about *that*? > I'd think that it'd be your discretion.> > Shampoo: All: YEAH! Joel: Then again, so's this fic. > Pat: [shrugs] From what I can tell, you like Ranma a lot better than me or Mousse.> Tom (Pat): Of course, I also think "potato" has an e. > Shampoo: So, we're agreed. The contest doesn't count for anything, right?> Joel (Pat): Not so long as you remember I'm infinitely better than you, no. > Pat: Tom: Yeah, but you couldn't even do *that* cleanly! Hell, you make Shawn Michaels look like a lifelong jobber! > [Next stop, the Ucchan. Pat cautiously enters, expecting to be hit with an > okonomiyaki stand. Crow: Fortunately, He is! > Sure enough, an okonomiyaki stand whishes by, just barely missing him.] All: DAMN! > Pat: [dodges] Waa! > Ukyo: What do you want? Did you come to brag? Crow (Pat): Well... yeah. > Pat: No, I actually wanted to see how you were doing. After all, you did > take a few lungfuls of knockout gas. Joel (Pat): And, unlike me, you're only human. > Ukyo: Is that all? Well, I'm feeling fine, thank you very much. Now, get > out of my restaurant. All: HIT HIM! SMASH HIM! KILL HIM! > Pat: [holds up his finger] Let's get one thing straight here. I wasn't the > one who gassed you. *I* wasn't the one who changed the rules. *I* didn't > want to fight you in the first place! Frankly, if it were up to me, I'd > *never* fight you! Tom: Uh-huh. Then why d'you write it up that way, hmmm? > Now, at least humor me so I can see if you're all right! Joel (Pat): Pleeeease... I only wanna be your friend! > Ukyo: [very reluctantly gives him her arm. He takes her pulse.] So, what > kind of doctor did you say you wanted to be? > Pat: [looks at his watch] Crow: The answers are all in His watch, I tell you! > I didn't. But, for the record, I was hoping to go in... Tom (Pat): ...for Euthanasia. > ...to pediatrics. > Ukyo: Pediatrics, as in kids? Crow: Silly rabbit, pediatrics are for kids! > Pat: That's what it means. [releases her arm] Your pulse is normal. Have > you felt any dizziness or any difficulty thinking? Joel (Ukyo): Sure, why do you think I agreed to be in this? > Ukyo: No. > Pat: Well, if you have any odd symptoms, you'd better... Tom (Pat): Fold them into a neat little package and send them to me by carrier pigeon. > Ukyo: Right, right, right. If I have kids, remind me never to take them to > you. Crow (Ukyo): Yeah, they'll become warped. > Pat: You probably wouldn't want to. I'd be in Illinois. Joel: You know.... that almost makes me happy I'm trapped up here. > [sighs] Listen, > what I'm trying to say is that I didn't want to throw you out of the ring > like that. I'm sorry. Tom (Pat): The voices made me do it! > Ukyo: You could have lost to me, you know. Crow: But that would have breached His God-boy contract! > Pat: [slight smile] What, and not try my best? [heads for the door] I > won't be seeing you later. Joel (Ukyo): Oh, thank God! Crow (Ukyo): Oh, by the way... watch out for the... *crash* ...step. > [cut to later, just before dinner at the house. Beth is leaving for home.] Tom (Pat): So, what plane did you say you were taking? I have to go and make sure it crashes. > Beth: [to everyone inside] Thanks for everything! [to Pat] I'll see *you* > later. Joel: Just so long as we don't... > Pat: [less than enthused] Great. [Beth leaves the house.] Tom: Okay, one down, one to go... > Akane: I kinda like her. Crow (Akane): However, I absolutely *hate* you! > Pat: That's because you're not related to her. [goes into his room and > powers up his laptop. Voice-over] Dear Phil. This'll be short. I'm leaving > for home tomorrow. Tom: ...and there was much rejoicing. > Japan's great, but I'd rather be back home. See ya soon! > [The next day, Pat is all packed and ready to go. All: ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou... > He disconnects the laptop > from its accustomed spot and puts it in his backpack.] Crow: ...together with His pocket calculator, pen collection, wireless fax, ABBA CDs... > Pat: [takes out a good bye card for the Tendo and Saotome family.] Joel: That's a long surname. Hell, would you like to have to say "Hi, I'm Joe Tendoandsaotome"? > This was fun, but, all good things must come to an end. Tom: ...and fortunately, all bad things must too. Crow: Yeah... I mean, can you imagine if something like "Monster A-Go-Go" went on forever? All: (shudder) > [puts on his backpack and > lifts his suitcase. He heads for the front door. Both families are there > waiting for him.] Joel: Armed and ready. > Thanks for everything. [hands the card to Ranma and whispers to him:] Crow (Pat): We'll always have Paris! > There's a garbled message on the back. The decoder's > inside. [heads to the taxi, where Ryoga's waiting.] Tom: I hope He's not forcing poor Ryoga to *go* with Him or anything... > Here, hang on to this, willya? > Ryoga: [takes the backpack and is bent over ninety degrees.] OOOF! Tom: Uh-huh, Pat's stronger than Ryoga; sure. > [Obviously, it's a lot heavier than what Ryoga's used to lifting. Pat puts > his suitcase in the taxi, then relieves Ryoga of his burden, hoisting it > with one hand.] Joel (Ryoga): Show off! > Pat: Thanks. [to everyone] I, uh, I'm not much on goodbyes, so what I have > to say is on the card. Sayonara. Crow: Hey, Pat! You forgot to commit hara-kiri! > [bows formally, then gets in the taxi, which drives off.] All: Hallelujah! > [Ranma opens up the card and everyone looks inside. There is a piece of > transparent red plastic inside, which Ranma takes. Joel: Oh no! Pat forgot his Visa! > They read the message inside.] > Pat: [voice over] Well, you're reading this, so I must be on my way home. Tom (Pat): Please try not to get too drunk while partying all through the night. > I just wanted to thank all of you for putting up with me. Crow (Pat): I mean, I know it's virtually impossible and all... > If I ever come > around this way again, I'll call first. By the way, I left a little > message for Ranma and Akane on the back. It's for their eyes only, so if > you don't mind... Tom (Pat): ...be sure to remember to spy on them! > [Ranma turns over the card, then realizes that everybody's peering over > his shoulder.] Joel (Ranma): Okay, gather around everyone! Let's laugh at his last words! > Ranma: Hey, do you mind? C'mon, Akane. [the two head to the dojo, where Crow: ...they conduct a spontaneous orgy of hot, passionate delight. Joel: CROW! Crow: Hey, come on! The fic's almost over! > he puts the piece of plastic over the garbled mess.] > Pat: [voice over] Whew, now that you two are alone (hopefully), I just > wanted to get something off my chest. Tom (Pat): I'm feeling vaguely ashamed about how grossly I misused you and the others in this fic... but I'm sure I'll get over it soon! > I know that you two are crazy about each other. > It's just that you two can be so stubborn that you won't even admit it. Joel: Oh for... Tom: Well whaddayaknow? He *does* solve all their romantic problems by his perfect little self! > Personally, though, I think that the two of you look good together. Keep > in touch. Pat. Crow: Wouldn't it be better for their sanity to stay *out* of touch? > [there is a phone number and address below] Tom: ...but fortunately, Ranma has already subconsciously smudged it beyond all recognition. > P.S., Ranma, look under your futon for a surprise. > [Puzzled, Ranma and Akane head to his room and do just that. They find...] Joel: A plot hole? > Ranma: The nanban mirror! Joel: Close enough. > Akane: And here's a note! [It reads: Use this before Happosai gets to it.] All: Calling Happosai, Come in Happosai! > [Just then, Happosai enters the room.] All: Called it. > Happosai: Hey, I've been looking for that! [grabs the mirror and runs off > with it.] > Ranma: Gimme that mirror, you leech! Tom: Shouldn't that be "lecher"? Note to author: a "leech" is a bloodsucking insect that's slightly above Pat on the evolutionary scale. > [Zoom out of the house accompanied by the sounds of utter chaos.] > THE END Crow: Okay, that's it; we're gone! > --------------------------WARNING! AUTHOR BABBLE!------------------------- -- All: Oh, shut up! (exeunt) [Insert reversed door sequence here. -B] As the trio stepped/floated out of the theater, Crow turned to Joel, "You know, I'm a bit surprised... The stuff Dr. F. sends us is usually a lot *worse* than that. I mean, that wasn't *good*, but it wasn't all that bad either..." Joel shrugged, "Yeah, I thought that too... Maybe he's getting soft?" Everyone thought about it for a few seconds then simultaneously shook their heads. "Naaah!" For a short while, nobody spoke. "Say," said Tom, breaking the silence, "wasn't Pat something? I mean, he was just *wonderful*!" "Oh yeah!" Joel agreed enthusiastically. "I mean, I've never seen such a likeable, believable main character!" "And the way he all but walked over every established character in the series," piped up Crow, "was just incredible!" "Yeah, I know!" Joel nodded, "I mean, I'll admit he didn't rise to the fabulous heights of Oscar or Chris Cadwell, but he was truly one of a kind!" Without warning, the three starting chortling, then giggling, then laughing. "Oh, seriously though," Tom laughed, "that was..." Suddenly, the lights started to flicker. The three looked around warily, "What the...?" "Joel!" Gypsy called out, moving into the Satellite's bridge, "Something weird just happened! All the controls, they..." Abruptly, a heavenly choir began to resound through the room. A golden light shone from nowhere in particular. A host of angels shimmered into existence and began to chant the holiest of hymns. A deep organ could be heard coming from... well, from nowhere, really. And then slowly, magically, a form began to appear before the four. Glowing with an angelic glow, gazing serenely at those poor pathetic souls, it was... "Oh, damn! It's Pat!" The divine choir quieted slightly at the sound of the most holiest of names and then stopped entirely as He spoke. "I hear that you poor, lowly fools have been taking My name in vain..." "Um... hi." Joel said in a weak voice. "How's life?" "Oh, all right, I must admit," His Supreme Holiness intoned, "I was just saving all the starving kids in China and returning Frank's cure for Cancer and..." "Oh, so are all the kids in China doing well now?" Joel asked timidly. "Well, actually all the food had rotted already and I didn't feel like..." His Holy Supremacy paused, "but that's not what I'm here for!" "Oh then, what are you here for?" Crow asked softly. A tense silence was the only response he received. "Um, sir?" the golden robot ventured. "Very good." His Divine Mightiness nodded, "I am here to either convert my to belief in Me or else to kill you and pretend you never existed." Tom blanched. This was quite incredible, considering he was a robot, but blanch he did. "Um... couldn't you kill the guys who trapped us down here? I don't think *they* believe in you..." His Supreme Grace shrugged, "Yeah but they're evil so I really don't give a damn. Now..." "Excuse me...." A voice sounded mysteriously from nowhere. His Supreme Mighti... Oh, screw it! ... *Pat* paled in response. "Oh, damn! It's *him*! Umm... says, guys... buddies... pals o' mine... Is there anywhere here I can, like, hide?" Without a word, Joel pointed at the doors to the theater. Pat nodded His thanks and ran through them. Literally. As in, they *didn't* open first. No, really! Oh, incidentally, the holy choir had disappeared by this point. Not that this matters, or anything. Virtually at the same time, a strange medium guy with a bad haircut popped into existance where Pat had been just moments before. He looked around briefly then turned to Joel and the Bots. "Excuse me, have you seen a really irritating Chinese guy named Pat around? I need to teach him a small lesson..." Without a word, Joel pointed at the door to the theater. "Who are you, anyway? Didn't you show up while we were reading that complete waste of bandwidth?" "Oh, sorry." the man said, "My name's Pearson Mui. But people call me "Doc". And if you even *consider* quoting Bugs Bunny, something's gonna break. Anyway, I'm sorta responsible for this whole mess." "What, you mean," Crow asked, "you're The Author?" a sudden crack of thunder punctuated the question. "Well... yeah," Doc said abashedly, "What can I say... I was young and stupid. I didn't think I'd start a whole new genre!" "So..." Tom asked slowly, "should we blame you for the Crys Saga and the Twisted Path too?" "Uh..." "Okay, guys," said Joel, "you know what to do..." He started to crack his knuckles. "Wait, you want to *hurt* Pat, yes?" "Well, I guess..." Doc answered. "Oh, well, in that case, he's through there." Joel pointed at the theater. "Have fun!" "Thanks!" Doc called out as he stepped through the doors... ...soon, muffled screams could be heard from the general direction of the theater. Then they simply stopped and all was quiet. After a few minutes, Joel spoke. "What the heck was that all about?" The Bots shook their heads. "Dunno." "Got me." "How should I know?" "Hmm," Joel hummed thoughtfully, "Nice guy, though." "Yeah," nodded Crow, "but I do wish people didn't treat this damned place like the Jersey Turnpike!" "You know... we *could* have asked him to get us back to Earth..." A stunned silence folled. Beep! Beep! Beep! "Oh, hold on! Amos and Andy are calling..." Dr. Clayton Forrester stared at the beefy police officer standing before him and tried desperately not to hit TV's Frank (who was standing beside him). "Now listen, officer. I swear I've never heard of this Professor Mulligan..." "Myomer." T.V.'s ever-lovable Frank helpfuly pointed out. "Yes, yes, yes, whatever," Dr. F. scowled angrily, "I've never heard of him! I'm innocent dammit! INNOCENT!" "Well, sir; Prof. Myomer is certain that this Matter Transportation thingy you have at the back there is exactly the same as his first year project from Evil O's. It has, according to his blueprints here, the same design and..." Officer Hogg (strangely enough, that was his name) stepped over to the back of the room to examine the device in question. Dr. Forrester waved TV's Frank over, "Frank, go and... distract him!" "Yes sir, Dr. F., sir!" "Um, hi, Joel..." Forrester looked at his test subject worriedly, "Listen, we're having a bit of trouble over here. Officer Hogg here thinks that we stole the Trans-Mat unit from some twit who couldn't Mad Science his way out of a paper bag by the name of..." "A-ha! Why does this have a brass plate on the back saying I.M.? Hmm? I think it might just stand for Ignatius Myomer, don't you agree?" "Um, no. That's for... for... um, "It's Mine". I mean, his. I mean..." "Oh for...!" Forrester looked skyward, "Listen, Frank... Um, Officer. Heh. I can quite assure you that..." "Dr. Forrester, do you know how much Prof. Myomer can sue you for this?" Officer Hogg asked arrogantly. "No..." Forrester replied warily. "Well, not much, actually. Mad Science doesn't have many legal benefits... But..." "Do you want money? Is that it? I can pay you... Um, push the button, Frank! Listen, I have..." "Hey, you can't bribe me! I'm an officer of the law! Uh, how much do you have?" "Well, I've got about..." "No, wait, it won't be enough." "I'll write you a check! Say, one thous..." ***Click*** --- AND CUT IT THERE... --- Written by: Blazej Szpakowicz. Directed by: Blazej S. Edited by: B. Szpakowicz. Produced by: B. Starring: Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson Kevin Murphy as the voice of Tom Servo Trace Beaulieu as the voice of Crow With Special Villains: Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester Frank Conniff as TV's Frank Also Starring: Pat Lee as himself Pearson Mui as The Author Nameless Extras as the angelic choir Kevin Murphy as Officer Hogg Michael J. Nelson as Col. Glen "The Amazing Colossal Man" Manning Keep circulating the fics! * * * MSTer's notes: Well... thus ends my first MSTing. Thanks to lotsa people for lotsa stuff, and especially to: Tim McLees for archiving this at Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings; Megane, Jolt, Lefty and co. for inspiration; and Pearson Mui for writing this. Next: A revision of Maximum Carnage. That'll be up as you read this though, in all likelihood, so I'll hop to the next thing after *that*, which will be the MSTing of the Esper Chronicles. - B p.s. If you have comments, constructive criticism, large sums of money or deeds to large tracts of land to send me, please feel free to contact me at zek@csi.uottawa.ca. On the other hand, please send flames and mail bombs to crow@biteme.com. > Principal: The fighter who can knock down Pat Lee is the winner. > > Pat: [squeaky voice] Uh oh. [every fighter turns his or her head towards > him.] Definitely an "uh oh."