New Mutants Vol II: No 1 & 2 *Original by Doug Atkinson and Josh Medin MiSTing by Doug Atkinson * [SoL. Tom and Crow sit in a Socratic tableau.] CROW: ...So their grandchildren all knew each other? TOM: Basically, yes. CROW: Well, that's ludicrous. TOM: Tell me about it. I could barely read the whole trilogy. [Mike enters.] MIKE: Hi, guys, what's up? CROW: Oh, we were just talking about the second "Shannara" trilogy. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. MIKE: You read the second trilogy? I couldn't finish the first book. CROW: Well, I didn't, but Tommy here did. TOM: I couldn't help noticing that the descendants of the surviving original characters all hung out together. And that struck me as deeply improbable, you know? It would be like writing a Civil War novel starring the descendants of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams, who just happen to pal around together. MIKE: Actually, Tom, George Washington never had children. CROW: Yeah, and any descendants Jefferson had were probably still slaves. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. MIKE: Hold that thought. [Commercials. We return to the characters, still in mid- conversation.] TOM: You see my point, though. Did "Star Trek: The Next Generation" star the descendants of the original crew? CROW: Who, Demora Sulu? None of them had kids! TOM: Did "Tiny Toon Adventures" star the children of the Warner Brothers characters? MIKE: No, just their clones. TOM: [getting worked up] Did "Master Ninja II" star Timothy van Patten's children? Did "Robotech: A New Generation" bear the *slightest* resemblance to the original Robotech? WAS "A TALE OF TWO CITIES" A SEQUEL TO "A TALE OF ONE CITY?!?" I THINK NOT!! CROW: Whoa, chill out, Tom. [Cambot pulls in on Tom.] TOM: [on a roll] IS THE SHROUD OF TURIN A KNOCKOFF OF THE SHROUD OF RIN? WAS KING GEORGE III A SEQUEL TO GEORGE II? AND WHAT ABOUT MALCOLM X?!? [Cambot pulls back to reveal Mike, as he throws a bucket of water over Tom. Much of it evaporates into steam on contact.] TOM: [sputtering] Whew, thanks. MIKE: Are you under control now? Allanon and Garet Jax are calling. [pushes the button] [Deep 13. Dr. F. stands amidst what looks like the guts of ENIAC. Printouts and punch cards abound.] DR. F: Well, Nelson, you've caught me at a busy time. [SoL] MIKE: But you called us. [Deep 13; in the background, we hear a metallic KA-THUNK and a groan.] DR. F: Well, I have to gloat to someone, don't I? I'm sure you're familiar with the infinite monkeys at typewriters theory? [SoL] CROW: Are you kidding? You've sent us their scripts! TOM: Whoo, good one! [They attempt to high-five, rather ineffectually.] [Deep 13] DR. F: Yes, well, laugh while you can, because I've found a way to automate the process. [KA-THUNK! groan... Dr. F. steps aside to reveal Frank, made up like a low-grade Bajoran. He sits in front of a metal bowl, which is facedown on a small table.] DR. F: No doubt you're familiar with the work of the Star Trek: TNG makeup men? Specifically, how they assemble a seemingly-random pile of facial lumps to differentiate their alien species? [SoL] TOM: Dr. Forrester and Star Trek makeup...I don't like where this is going. MIKE: Sh. Yes. What does that have to do with... [waves hand] all that? [Deep 13] DR. F: I'm glad you asked that. I've been using the facial lumps as a random-number generator for my "infinite monkeys" system. I put Star Trek makeup on Frank [gestures]. He smashes his face into this metal bowl... FRANK: Look, Raoul, stars! DR. F: Do it, Frank... [Frank reluctantly slams his face into the bowl, with the now-familiar KA-THUNK and groan. Dr. F. produces the bowl, with a series of dents resembling Bajoran makeup.] I feed it into my Braille translator... [puts the bowl in a receptacle; loud Dr. Who-style "computing" noises] and convert the result into easily portable punch cards. [A punch cards spits out; Dr. F. plucks it out.] If "Star Trek" stays on the air long enough, every evil scheme possible will be generated randomly! [SoL] MIKE: Won't that leave you with a lot of useless text, though? [Deep 13; Dr. F. now holds a readout.] DR. F.: Oh, I'll just post it to the Net and call it free verse. Your experiment today, boobies, is a comic fanfic written by two college roommates in the halcyon days of 1991. It attempts to bring back the New Mutants. [SoL] CROW: What's wrong with that? At least half of it was a good series. [Deep 13] DR. F.: Several of the characters originated in a "Marvel Super-Heroes" role-playing campaign. [SoL] ALL: AUUUGHHH!!!! [Lights flash, etc.] WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! [Doors sequence; Mike and co. enter theater.] MIKE: I never really followed the mutant books, so I may be a little lost. TOM: That's okay. We're here for you. NEW MUTANTS VOL 2 #1 SECOND RENEWAL TOM: If you don't send in your subscription card by the 21st, you may miss some issues. CROW: This isn't going to be "Kid Dynamo," is it? DRAMATIS PERSONAE: MIKE: "Dramatis?" Is this a play? CROW: Well, no more so than every Niven/Pournelle novel that begins this way. The Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand ALL: [singing] Mr. Klaw...Mr. Klaw... Stevie Hunter Lila Cheney Huang Linwei Huang Wu (her father) Kevin Derleth CROW: And other...AUGUST personages? [Tom & Mike groan.] Assorted orderlies Joseph and Benjamin, of the RCX ALL: [singing] Benjamin...Benjamin...Benjamin of the RCX...Benjamin...Benjamin...Benjamin of the RC, Benjamin of the RC, Benjamin of the RCX! Magma TOM: Finally, a superhero name! I was afraid this was going to be filled with...I don't know, characterization or something. Empath Fred Duncan Guido MIKE: Who? A Mafioso? TOM: Strong Guy of X-Factor, I think. This was before he got his big break. MIKE: "Strong Guy?" Tom, don't just make stuff up. Jen O'Neal Lucius Aquilla CROW: Boy, they're really scraping the bottom of the supporting character barrel here. Sam Thompson Emma Frost Assorted Hellfire mercs MIKE: One hundred Hellfire mercs, packaged in this authentic replica footlocker, for only $2.95! Beef TOM: He's what's for dinner! Catseye Jetstream Roulette Tarot Bevatron CROW: STOP PADDING THE COMIC! JUST SAY "THE HELLIONS" AND GET ON WITH IT! Mysterious Figure Businessman Ticketperson TOM: Oh, now they're just listing people who walked by the dorm hallway. Trent Darnell Lara Ventura Lara's father MIKE: Who apparently rates down there with "Businessman" and "Assorted Hellfire Mercs." Betcha he doesn't survive the first six issues. PAGE ONE: CROW: What? It hasn't even started yet? CAPTION, PANEL ONE: Prologue. A car sits in a darkened garage. A whole series of five panels in which it sits, doing nothing. TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping garage scene. MIKE: Did Keith Giffen draw this? In the sixth, a shadowy, clawed hand reaches out and slashes against a rear tire. CROW: Yes? And? MIKE: Oh, they're just getting their money's worth out of The Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand. PAGE TWO: In a series of six or eight panels, Stevie Hunter leaves her house, gets into her car (which is the same one as page one), TOM: Ooh, the plot thickens. MIKE: Sheesh, cars in Minnesota winters start faster than this! pulls out of her driveway, and drives off to a deserted country road. CROW: [Stevie] Well, that last sign said Middle of Nowhere...there's Deserted Country *Lane*... It's raining, and will be in this area for the next several pages. PAGE THREE: Splash panel. MIKE: Well, with all that rain it's no wonder. Stevie has a blowout, CROW: Whoo! Things sure picked up in a hurry! MIKE: That better have been a reference to the skidding car and not some sort of double-entendre. CROW: Uh, yeah. loses control, and a car behind her crashes into her. (The other car is an expensive sports car.) TOM: I love the "Marvel Method" plotting here. "Okay, artist, you do all the difficult work..." CAPTION: Top of page: "SECOND RENEWAL" Bottom of page: Credits CROW: The authors wisely remain anonymous, and the artists wisely remain hypothetical. PAGE FOUR: PANEL ONE: Stevie gets out of her car. PANEL TWO: She heads over to survey the damage. The other car owner is already out, TOM: Judging from the rainbow decal in her rear window, anyway. and has her back turned. Stevie: "Hey, are you--" PANEL THREE: The car owner turns and we see that it's Lila. ALL: Huh? CROW: [Data] Captain, I am registering an enormous plot contrivance to starboard. For those of us who don't know her, Stevie says, "LILA CHENEY? and, "Imagine running into you." MIKE: Stevie is so shaken that she's lost her wit! TOM: Don't you mean "lost her wits?" MIKE: Not in this case. Lila says, "Actually, I ran into you, hi, Stevie. Sorry about the mess." TOM: Boy, these rock stars are blase about their *expensive sports cars*. PANEL FOUR: Stevie: "You're not hurt, then?" Lila: "No, I'm fine. Why don't we head somewhere and call the automobile association? I know a place in town." CROW: [Lila] I just happen to know the only place in town with a phone... MIKE: [Stevie] And the errand I was going to in the middle of nowhere doesn't really matter... PANEL FIVE: Stevie: "That sounds good, but we're five miles out, and I can't walk that far." Lila: "Don't worry." PANEL SIX: Flash of teleportation. CROW: Yeah, it would be *really clear* to the readers that they're teleporting and not just spontaneously combusting. MIKE: If she can teleport, why was she driving? TOM: Well, she, uh... [with authority] She likes to listen to herself on the radio. PAGE FIVE: PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude One: Sunrise in China." TOM: Um, China is about twelve time zones away from Massachusetts. If it's sunrise there, it should be dinner time here. CROW: Maybe it is. The authors haven't said. Shows, well, a sunrise in China. CROW: Yeah, it would be *really clear* that it's in China and not Mongolia or something. Silhouette of two figures on a hill, presumably sparring. This panel takes up 1/2 of the page. PANEL TWO: Adult Chinese man talks to young Chinese adolescent girl. Both wear standard kung fu outfits. TOM: Why do I have the horrible feeling we're reading the prequel to "X-Men Vs. Street Fighter?" Master: " " PANEL THREE: Master goes into blindingly fast maneuver that leaves her on the ground. CROW: So fast that the eye can't follow the panel! PANEL FOUR: Girl begins to get up. Girl: " " Master: " " TOM: The only Occidental American to become a ninja master? PANEL FIVE: Master looks reminiscent. Master: " " " " MIKE: [Lou Ferrigno] CHEN SMASH PUNY MARTIAL ARTIST! PAGE SIX: PANEL ONE: Stevie and Lila enter the coffeeshop. MIKE: They drove all the way to China to use the phone? Lila to cashier: "Hi, Bob, we had a wreck back on 35. CROW: Looks like rock stars don't forget the little people. TOM: Though why a British rock star knows the diner owner in *Massachusetts* is beyond me. Where's your phone?" Bob: "Over there, Lila." He points. Thinks: "Hmmm. They don't look like they've walked five miles in the rain." PANEL TWO: Lila returns and they take a booth. TOM: Lila's come down since her days as an interstellar thief... Lila: "So, what have you been up to?" Stevie: "Oh, the usual. Still running my dance studio." "I really miss the Xavier's crowd, though." CROW: [Cerebus] Next time aim between the eyes. Lila: "Yeah, I kinda miss 'em too. Really a shame they split up." MIKE: But they'll go on to exciting solo recording careers! Well, except Ringo. Stevie: "It was really a good idea, having a school to train kids like that to *ahem* handle themselves. CROW: It's Joycelyn Elders! There're probably a lot of people who could use a place like that." Lila: (Smiling) "Well, why don't we found our own, then?" TOM: Useful for the authors that the whole concept hangs on one random whim. Pause, as they look at each other. CROW: [Stevie] Lila, you've got something on your lip...no, other side...oh, forget it! TOM: [Lila] Should I make my move now? Or will she think I'm "easy?" Stevie: "That's crazy. Where would we get the money?" Lila: "I'm bloody rich, remember?" MIKE: [Lila] I'm British, remember, luv? Stevie: "Where would we get the people?" Lila: "We can hire them. I've got connections." CROW: The Mafia, the Triads, Boskone... Pause. Stevie: "You're really serious, aren't you?" Lila: Smile. "We can do it, y'know. You only live once." [All laugh.] TOM: In a mutant book? You live six times minimum! PAGE SEVEN: PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude Two: Lunchtime in an Asylum." TOM: If it's lunchtime, it's about halfway between China and Massachusetts, so...it's an asylum in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Kevin is in his room. He sits at his desk, dealing a tarot reading. PANEL TWO: Kevin (without looking up) "Come in." PANEL THREE: Two orderlies enter, with lunch. They have nametags: "Ed" and "Cliff." Orderly #1 (whispered, to other): "Don't you just hate that?" MIKE: Well, which one is it? Ed or Cliff? PANEL FOUR: Kevin: (without looking at tray) "I really wish--Guys, don't *you* wish they'd change the stew?" His back is to the orderlies. CROW: [Ed] Well, *don't* say hi, then. PANEL FIVE: Orderlies exchange glances. Kevin, from offpanel: "Look, I'm kinda busy now. John, could you bring it over here? I'll eat it later." TOM: John? There's no John in the Dramatis Personae. MIKE: He's more of a Dull Persona. PANEL SIX: The orderlies exit, shaking their heads. The tray moves, with nothing touching it. CROW: Ahhh, you can see the string. With his back turned (still), Kevin: "Bye, Ed. Bye, Cliff." PANEL SEVEN (narrow panel at bottom): Kevin's hand on the desk. The Wheel of Fortune is up, and Death is being turned over. Kevin: "Changes. New beginnings. Cool!" MIKE: Tom, is Kevin some pre-existing character I'm supposed to know about? TOM: No, I feel exposition coming on. PAGES EIGHT-NINE: CAPTION: "Stately Braddock Manor, England" CROW: It's a good thing *we* know Lila can teleport... Lila and Stevie are sitting in a drawing room-type setting and talking with Joseph and Benjamin, who are formerly Gabriel and Michael of the RCX. MIKE: Quickfire! TOM: Repulsive Corpse Exchange! CROW: Revealing Costume Exhibition! MIKE: Rancid Clown Exhalation! Benjamin: "Well, this is an intriguing idea..." "but you do realise that the States are out of the RCX's area of jurisdiction." MIKE: And the RCX? TOM: Pre-existing, but it would take too long. MIKE: Man, this fanfic should come with a bibliography. Stevie: (thinking) "Lila, you and your 'connections...'" CROW: James Burke you're not. Lila: "So, you won't really be able to help us much? I always thought that you were the people to consult in 'troubled times.'" Joseph: "Well, yes, but we meant troubled times in Britain. TOM: [singing] And all the hard times in old England, oh, the jolly hard times... MIKE: Huzzah! We do like your idea, however." Benjamin: "We might even have somebody for you to work with." Joseph: (looking over at Benjamin): "Oh? Who--" Benjamin: "Hush. Tell you later. CROW: What about us? Hello? The readers? Ms. Hunter, Ms. Cheney--while we can't help you directly, we can connect you with an American who'll help considerably more." He writes out a slip of paper, and gives it to Lila. TOM: [Lila] Hm. "Dr. Kevorkian" and a phone number. Stevie: "Well, thank you anyway, Mr. Benjamin, Mr. Joseph. We appreciate your help." Lila: "We'll be in touch." Lila and Stevie exit. MIKE: Let's sum up. So far, these two decided to found a school, and they've accomplished nothing. TOM: Mike, Mike...you're forgetting the stirring interludes in all corners of the globe! Joseph: "Okay, who did you want to give them?" Benjamin: "Which one have we wanted to get off out hands all this time? Who's been our biggest hassle all along? Our grey little night-flier, of course. It shouldn't be too hard to lose him in the paperwork." CROW: Grey little night-flier...hmm...Dragon Man isn't "little"...the Grey Gargoyle doesn't fly...Batgirl isn't grey... MIKE: Relax. All will be made clear. [beat] I hope. Joseph: "I don't know about the ethics of it, though..." Benjamin: "Joseph! Relax! When has that been an obstacle before? If it's unethical, we just change our ethics, that's all!" TOM: These guys work for the *British* government? MIKE: Don't forget, it was the Conservative era. TOM: Oh yeah. PAGE TEN: Lila and Stevie, in the hallway. Stevie: "Who ARE those two?" Lila: "They're agents of the Resources Control Executive. ALL: [in realization] Ahhh... A professional unethical behaviour club--sort of like your CIA, really. I trust them as far as I can spit them, but they have their uses." Stevie: "Hmmm. What's the name on the slip?" Lila: (opening it) "Fred Duncan, FBI. And a phone number. That name sounds sort of familiar." Stevie: "I think he used to know Professor Xavier, or something. TOM: Yeah, back in the Sixties! I bet these guys owned a complete set of "X-Men Index." The original version. We should call him when we get back home." Lila: "No problem." Stevie: "Oh, and Lila?" Lila: "Yes?" Stevie: "Where did you MEET them?" Lila: Enigmatic smile. PAGE ELEVEN: PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude Three: Evening in Nova Roma, Brazil." TOM: Okay, it's still evening...Busy day, this. Amara is sitting on a balcony, staring out at the sunset over the jungle. PANEL TWO: Empath comes up behind her, and puts his hands on her shoulders. Empath: "Thinking?" Amara: "Mmm-hmm." CROW: [Empath] I envy you... Empath: "About what?" PANEL THREE: Amara: "I just wish my father would resolve the debate over my marriage. I still haven't even met him, you know." MIKE: And who are these people? TOM: They're pre-existing too. Geez, let me just loan you "Marvel Universe" during the break. PANEL FOUR: Amara turns back to looking at the jungle. Empath: "I hope that all goes well." Amara: "Yes." CROW: He's being awfully nice for someone *Magneto* considers the living embodiment of Evil. PANEL FIVE: Amara turns back to Empath. Amara: "Manuel, why exactly did I leave America? I was unhappy when I first left home, but I have come to realize that I was perhaps happier there. I had more friends there, and no one tried to make decisions for me." TOM: Oh, that Magneto and his hands-off teaching style... PANEL SIX: Amara turns back to the jungle. "Sometimes I wish I could leave all this, and just go back..." PAGE TWELVE: Fred Duncan is going towards his office in FBI Headquarters. MIKE: [Duncan] No, Mulder, I don't want to hear about Roswell again...no, I don't care about your sister...look, don't you have a case or something? PANEL ONE: Outside his office. Somebody passing by: "Hey, Amos." Fred: "Come on, Jim, don't call me that..." TOM: I was right! Talk about obscure... He enters his office. The phone rings, and he answers. Fred: "H'lo?" Fred: "Yes, I remember ol' Charlie. Been a loooong time, though. Why d'ya ask?" CROW: Almost two months in Marvel Time! Fred: "Say, who is this anyway? How'd you get my number?" Fred: "Yeah, I think I've hearda you." Fred: (to air) "Michael, you jerk!" MIKE: Is it wise to insult the Archangel of Vengeance? Fred: "A WHAT?" Fred: "Hmmm... Fred: "Y'know, that's an interesting idea. So where would you get the money?" Fred: "Of course. Where would you get the people?" Fred: "I was afraid you'd say that..." Fred: "Okay, I can meet you." TOM: Why do I get the impression this guy calls up the time and holds one-sided monologues to impress his co-workers? MIKE: Let's go, guys. [Exeunt omnes. Doors sequence. The bridge:] TOM: I'm trying to picture the writers' bookshelves. The "Marvel Super-Heroes" rules, of course, and all the annual supplements. The "Captain Britain" trade paperback and the "New Mutants" graphic novel. And, of course, a complete set of "X-Men Index." CROW: Don't forget "Monty Python's Flying Circus: All the Words." MIKE: The mutant books aren't normally like this, are they? TOM: No, they're basically the opposite these days. All fights and no characterization. CROW: It's like being trapped in some Twilight Zone version of a Claremont title. He made the mutant books famous for the personal touches...but at least stuff happened! MIKE: What sort of personal touches? TOM: Well, take Wolverine, for example. Insane, animalistic killer? Afraid of clowns. MIKE: Really? CROW: Oh yeah. And Gambit? Macho Cajun? Secretly reads "Tiger Beat" and owns an extensive collection of New Kids paraphenalia. MIKE: Wow. TOM: Apocalypse? Cross-dresser. CROW: Cyclops? Swallows Prozac by the fistful and it still doesn't work. TOM: Psylocke? One of the stars of "Diff'rent Strokes." MIKE: Amazing. [shakes his head] Did you need a scorecard to keep track of the characters? CROW: Hell, yes! The supporting cast was like a phone book, and by the end of Claremont's run plotlines *never* got resolved. TOM: Six issues out of the year taken up by crossovers with the other titles... CROW: The annual caught up in the crappy annual crossover event... TOM: Random nudity every other issue... CROW: A half-assed metaphor for prejudice smacking you in the face every time you turned around... CROW & TOM: COME BACK, CHRIS CLAREMONT! ALL IS FORGIVEN! MIKE: I still feel lost. CROW: Savor it. TOM: Look, go to my room and get "Marvel Universe." You'll at least know who some of the characters are, and [lights flash] it'll have to wait, cause WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! [Doors sequence. Everyone enters.] PAGE THIRTEEN: A room in Lila's Dyson Sphere. MIKE: Captions! We need captions! Lila, Stevie, and Fred enter and sit. Fred: "So, nice place. Kinda out of the way, though, isn't it?" Lila: "That's the nice bit. No uninvited guests...usually." Fred: "Anyway, to business. What do you want me for?" CROW: [Jerry Seinfeld] Well, I don't know the exact term, but I believe it's pronounced "menage a trois?" Stevie: "Well, you have a lot of connections, for one thing, and you could probably find us some students. We have a lead from the RCX, and we hope to find some stuff in Charles's files, but we could use some more." MIKE: Would those be X-files, then? CROW: Uhhhh...yes, actually. Guido enters. Lila: "Guido, could you get us some drinks?" Guido: (with an expression that says "That's not really my job) "Of course." Exit. TOM: This is my only line. Fred: "I brought some files, like you asked." (Opens briefcase.) "We can probably leave out these...he's dead...you really don't want him...Firestar is already teamed up... MIKE: If he mentions the Spider-Friends I'm going to hang myself. in fact, we can throw out all of these vigilantes." (sweeps a bunch of files on the floor) "Same with these criminals." (does the same thing) (picks up another file) "How do you feel about psychopaths?" TOM: [Lila] Well, I'm here with you, aren't I? PAGES FOURTEEN-FIFTEEN: (Two-page spread) Caption: "Interlude Four: Midnight in Australia." TOM: Late morning in Massachusetts. Big panel: The wilderness. Nice panorama, with a motorcycle parked in one corner, and a teenage girl next to it. MIKE: Jen O'Neal, I presume? CROW: No, "Lara's Father." PANEL TWO: The girl looks out across the desert, and smiles. PANEL THREE: She throws a frisbee far across the desert. Nice series of panels CROW: These guys are hanging a lot on their illustrator, aren't they? "Draw nice, now." in which she floats along in the desert on a large, golden energy disk, doing all sorts of acrobatic maneuvers. End with her catching the frisbee. LAST PANEL: Silhouette of her holding up the frisbee with both hands. PAGES SIXTEEN-NINETEEN: Back in the Dyson sphere. They have empty glasses next to them. TOM: [Lila, drunk] Stevie...you're best fren' I ev' had...and you...I just met you, but I love you... CROW: [British] Ignore her, she's drunk. [beat] Or else I'm in real trouble. Stevie: "So, it comes down to these four?" Fred: "Yeah, plus whatever Xavier's has." Lila: "So, who are they?" (As each is described, a shot is shown of their file.) Fred: "Okay. The first one is Amanda Johnson. She got in trouble for not registering, CROW: [cop] Lousy draft-card burners! and the Commission sent Freedom Force after her. TOM: I bet these guys had two copies of the issue of "Daredevil" she was in and wanted to bring her back so they'd shoot up in value. They got trashed and she moved out of town, and they decided it wasn't worth sendin' someone after her." Lila: "What can she do?" Fred: "Near's we can tell, limited TK. She can call things to her, and they come when she calls. CROW: [Amanda] Here sweatshirt! [whistles] Here sweatshirt! Gooood sweatshirt... Sorta strange." "Next up: Lara Ventura. A Philippino kid who moved here a few months ago. She's also got limited telekinesis: she's real strong, but she's got no range. It's like she's real strong, but you wouldn't know it to look at her. CROW: Real strong, is she? Just wanted to get that clear. She's also got a defense field. Nice kid, but really shy." TOM: Boy, Superboy stole everything from her! Guido enters. Guido: "Anything else?" Lila: "Yes. Could you pick up all of Mr. Duncan's files and pile them up?" Guido: Black marks indicating grumbling, as he sets about his task. Fred: "Yeah. Okay. The next one's from outta the country. Australian. MIKE: The FBI keeps tabs on non-criminal teenagers who live in other countries? CROW: In the Marvel universe, the government keeps tabs on lab rats in case they pose a national security threat. [Tom hums a brief snatch of the "Pinky and the Brain" theme.] Name's Jen O'Neal, and her power's really weird. She makes enormous gold frisbees out of energy, and carries things on them, or flies around on them. She's also a nice kid, but you gotta like stylish clothes and Frisbees to be able to stand her." MIKE: On the up side, he seems to be on close personal terms with everyone in his files. "Last one's gonna be a little trickier. His name's Kevin Derleth..." Lila: "Finally. I was thinking that the only mutants left were teenage girls..." TOM: Guys, leave your private life out of the comic, okay? Fred: "Right. Anyway, it looks like he's another telekinetic, not real powerful, but skillful." CROW: Boy, if you want something picked up on this team, it's gonna be well and truly picked up. Stevie: "So, what's the problem?" Fred: "The problem is that he's nuts." Stevie: "How?" Fred: "Well, he says he's not a telekinetic. Claims he's got a lot of invisible friends that no one else can see, and they're the ones that move things for him. None of his shrinks can agree on what he really is..." Lila: "'Shrinks?'" Fred: "Yeah, he's in an asylum 'cause he talks to thin air. Anyway, all his shrinks quit after a coupla months. He really seems nice enough..." MIKE: It's always the nice ones. Lila: "It's always the nice ones, isn't it?" MIKE: Hey! Fred: "But he's kinda out of touch with real world. CROW: Probably no more so than Wolverine or Longshot, though. TOM: Mutant teams attract people who can't cope with the real world. Sort of like roleplaying. You might wanna talk to him before you decide." Stevie: "Lila, why don't we talk about this?" Lila: "Sure. Guido, could you show Mr. Duncan around the area?" Guido: "Uh-huh." As he leaves: "I ain't paid enough..." TOM: Love the characterization of Guido. Totally compatible with the chatty, upbeat-but-really-hurting-on-the-inside Peter David version. After Guido and Fred leave: Lila: "Well, whatcha think?" Stevie: "I hope *all* the nice ones he described aren't really nutcases..." MIKE: Yeah, what is this? All the teenage mutants are telekinetics who are nice, *but* something. PAGE TWENTY: Caption: CHAPTER TWO. The Gathering. CROW: These guys predicted everything! X-Files, Superboy, X- Factor, and now Magic! PANEL ONE: The setting is the communications room at the capital in Nova Roma. Lucius is talking to it. TOM: Who, the room? MIKE: "Froonds, Roomans, coontrymen..." Lucius: "I see. Well, thank you, and I will endeavour to inform them." PANEL TWO: He heads down some darkened stairs, thinking: " " CROW: Well, if you donate enough spells you should be able to upgrade to a Wizard Pact. PANEL THREE: He goes through a door into a room where Manuel and Amara are sitting and reading. Lucius: " " Amara: " " "Manuel, could you please leave us? My father wishes to talk with me alone." Manuel: "Of course." CROW: You know, this is the first fanfic in a long time that it hasn't been spelled "coarse." PANEL FOUR: Manuel is gone, TOM: [Amara] At last! Lucius is sitting down. Lucius: " " Amara leaps up, ecstatic. " " Lucius: " " MIKE: Connections, "knowing people," "dealing with" things...Are you *sure* this isn't about the Mafia? Amara has an enormous smile and looks utterly thrilled in general. CROW: In specifics, though, she's worried about the new pimple on her nose and whether Manuel is a natural brunette. PAGE TWENTY-ONE: At the Airport. Stevie and Lila are waiting. PANEL ONE: Lila: "When was he supposed to be here?" Stevie: "Fairly soon. Calm down." Lila: "I wonder what he looks like?" PANEL TWO: Stevie: "What do you mean?" Lila: "Well, the Warpies do tend to look sort of...odd, sometimes." MIKE: "Warpie?" How is that different from a "mutant?" CROW: In a way we're all mutants, Mike. PANEL THREE: We spy, across the crowd, Joseph, with an extremely bundled figure next to him. Joseph has his arm outstretched: "Lila! Hey!" TOM: Awfully unconcerned that he's yelling out the name of a famous rock celebrity with no entourage, isn't he? CROW: Her career hasn't been the same since winning the "Best New Group" award. PANEL FOUR: They join up and meet. Stevie: "Hi, Joseph. And this is...?" Sam: "Sam. Hello." Lila: "Why don't we go somewhere else?" PANEL FIVE: A booth in the coffeeshop. They're all there. Lila: "...So they told you about what it is we're all about?" MIKE: About half. CROW: I feel a bout of something coming on myself... Sam: "Not much." PANEL SIX: Joseph: (standing up, looking at watch) "Yes, well, I need to go anyway. CROW: He's so regular he uses a watch? Nice meeting you again." Lila: "Yes. Why don't we go home and talk there?" Sam: "Sounds good. Where's your car?" Lila: "Oh, we didn't drive." MIKE: Let's recap again. They decided to found a school, and *twenty* pages in they're finally getting their first new student? TOM: And who in blazes is Sam? PAGE TWENTY-TWO: Milling around in the airport. PANEL ONE: Lila: "Let's head out. Over there." (leading them, pointing. TOM: [squeaky adolescent] Wait! I need closure on that parenthesis! PANEL TWO: They arrive at where she's pointing. Sam: "We're going home...through there?" Lila: "Yes." PANEL THREE: We see where they arrived. Sam: "But...that's a ladies' room." CROW: [Lila] That's never stopped you before, Sam boyo. Lila: "So? Nobody can tell, with that coat...c'mon." PANEL FOUR: In the Ladies' Room. Stevie: "Okay, nobody's in here." CROW: [Lila] At last we're alone! Now to find out what you keep under that coat... MIKE: I think the audience is wondering the same thing. Lila: "Hang on." PANEL FIVE: Teleportation flash TOM: This scene is dirty in just so many ways. PANEL SIX: On the Dyson sphere. Sam: "Wow! Just like on Blake's Seven." MIKE: Oh, that's right, he's British too. And we all know the British don't watch "Star Trek." TOM: Maybe this guy just has better taste than most. PAGE TWENTY-THREE: Caption: "Interlude Five: Morning in Massachusetts." Emma Frost's office. She sits at her desk. Shudder. TOM: Okay, now is Emma shuddering, or her office, or is her desk shuddering, or are the writers shuddering... MIKE: I think the audience is shuddering by this point. PANEL ONE: A mercenary in mufti TOM: Isn't mufti something you use to decorate a Christmas tree? CROW: No, it's that gelatin stuff they pack Spam in. MIKE: You're both wrong. It's the breed of Miss Piggy's dog. gives her a file. Merc: "I thought you would find these reports of interest, Madam." MIKE: [Merc] No, ma'am, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again, ma'am. Frost: "I will examine them. Dismissed." PANEL TWO: Merc salutes & leaves. PANEL THREE: Frost reads the files. PANEL FOUR: Frost smiles. PANEL FIVE: Thought balloon, Frost: "So. They're coming back." TOM: That's right! All your favorite stars are back on the new season of Must See NBC Saturday! First, it's Fran Drescher and Jaleel White in the delightful new romantic comedy "Whine and Cheese..." MIKE: [picks him up] You sound like you need a break. [Exeunt omnes. Doors sequence. The bridge; Crow stands alone.] CROW: [general milling-about noises] Dum de dum. La la la. Hm hm hm. [Tom enters; more precisely, the black silhouette version enters. His shoulder flaps have been extended a foot or so and covered with spikes, and his dome is shaped somewhat like Magneto's helmet.] TOM: ARRR! Bow down before me, SERVO! When you do-good mutants are eliminated, _Homo superior_ will rule the few remaining humans! CROW: [heroically] NEVER! Sure, humans laugh at and mock us, but they're necessary for the economy! Prepare to suffer, Servo! [They fight. From the tussle, catch-phrases emerge:] TOM: I'm the best there is at what I do! CROW: Lucky thing Ah'm near-invulnerable when Ah'm blasting! TOM: Lousy stinking muties! CROW: Ah can't touch him without absorbing his mind and his powers! TOM: Fastball special! CROW: Bobby, no! You may be strong but you're not invulnerable! TOM: I'll use my power to show him his worst fear! [Mike enters, holding an early issue of "Marvel Universe".] MIKE: What're you doing, guys? [The 'bots desist.] CROW: I'm fighting to defend humanity from...heyyyy, what has humanity ever done for me, anyway? [Both 'bots leap on Mike. They fight briefly, below screen; finally Mike sticks his head on-screen.] MIKE: We'll be right back... [Sounds of the fight continue. Commercials.] [The crew re-enters the theater.] MIKE: Boy, action scenes are a lot more fun to read than to experience. CROW: Wuss. PAGES TWENTY-FOUR-TWENTY-FIVE: At Stevie's place. PANEL ONE: Teleportation flash. PANEL TWO: The Three are in the living room. Stevie: "Have a seat, Sam." Sam: "Can I take my coat off now?" Stevie: "Sure." TOM & CROW: [hum bump & grind music] PANEL THREE: Big panel. We see what Sam really looks like. MIKE: Well, what? TOM: I get the impression that there were a bunch of character files the Mads didn't send us. Either that or the authors couldn't agree. CROW: He's probably the "little grey night-flier." I'm guessing he's really Mothra's cousin. Sam: "Thanks. It gets really hot in that thing." Stevie: "..." CROW: Oh, no! The horror has reduced her to a row of three dots! Sam: "You'll get used to it." Lila: "Stevie, would you like me to fix something?" CROW: [Stevie] Yeah, start with his face. Stevie: "Huh? Oh, sure, thanks." Sam: "So. You were about to tell me about the school." Stevie: "Oh...yes. Have you heard of the X-Men?" Sam: "Yes." MIKE: [Sam] Crappy American superhero cartoon. I watched about fifteen minutes of it once. Stevie: "They were based at a school in New York, called Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. [seeing his expression] Okay, he was young and idealistic when he named it. TOM: [stentorian] But the young Charles Xavier would only grow more arrogant as time went on... The purpose of it was to train young mutants in the use of their powers. His first team was the original X-Men. His next team wasn't all teenagers, and a few years later he organized the New Mutants. MIKE: Boy, I'm really learning a lot here! CROW: Mike, this is the stuff they put above the splash panel in every issue. They weren't supposed to be a combat team; they were just being trained. I worked with them as their dance teacher. TOM: [Stevie] Xavier's goal was to bring peace between man and mutant through the use of interpretive dance. Kind of weird, but as long as the checks kept coming I didn't say anything... Anyway, the team broke up recently, and Lila and I wanted to form another school to train mutants." (About halfway through, Lila comes back in with a tray.) Sam: "Okay..." Stevie: "So, you're our first student." Sam: "Beats staying with the RCX." Stevie: "Oh, yes, tell us about that." CROW: [Diana Rigg] Plot exposition, it has to go somewhere. Sam: "They just wanted to train us to be their perfect little operatives, with propaganda everywhere we looked. TOM: Still the Conservative government, right? MIKE: Oh yeah. I saw through it, which is probably why they sent me here." Lila: "I bet it was Benjamin's idea..." PAGE TWENTY-SIX: Nova Roma. The capital. PANEL ONE: A messenger runs up to below a balcony where Lucius, Amara, and Manuel are hanging out. CROW: To dry. Messenger: "Senator Aquilla, the visitors have arrived!" PANEL TWO: Stevie and Sam are escorted down the street, as Lucius awaits them at the doorway. Lucius: "Ah, hello. I am honored. Please, walk this way." PANEL THREE: They walk up the stairs. Sam: (muttered to self) "If I could walk that way..." CROW: Old joke, Tom. TOM: Old joke, Crow. PANEL FOUR: They enter a room, with Amara, who stands up, and Manuel. Amara: "Stevie!" MIKE: How do we know she's standing up? These are *stationary* panels! PANEL FIVE: Stevie: "Hello, Amara. This is Sam, your teammate." Amara: "Oh...hello, Sam." CROW: She's much more blase than Stevie, no? TOM: Well, once you've used the bathroom after Wolverine, other events lose much of their horror. Sam: "Hi. Nice place." Stevie: "I'd like to speak with the Senator and Amara alone, if I may." Sam: "Sure, no problem." Amara: "Manuel, that means you, too." PAGE TWENTY-SEVEN: Sam is outside the capitol, looking around, for one panel. MIKE: [Sam] Man, I've gotta re-do my place in Late Imperial Roman... Empath approaches him... CROW: [Empath] Pardon me, Sam, have you heard about what the Lord and his insurance plan can do for you? Empath: "Hello." CROW: [Empath] I am Manuel de la Rocha. You looked at my girlfriend. Prepare to die. Sam: "Hello. You're Manuel, right?" Empath: "Yes. You will be part of the group that Amara is leaving with, yes?" Sam: "Well...yeah. So?" Empath: (eyes glowing) "Wouldn't it be better if she stayed here...with her friends and family...where she belongs..." TOM: [Empath] She will not switch to Ameritech...she will remain with MCI... PANEL: Fairly big one as Sam punches Empath, hard, in the jaw. MIKE: Yes! Action scene! TOM: Maybe this fanfic is the sort of thing those ultra- violent Image books were reacting against. Yak yak yak. Sam: "Get...one...thing...straight, jerk. DON'T...TRY... TO...PLAY...WITH...MY...MIND." He storms off. CROW: You sort of get the impression that one author wrote the first twenty-six pages and now the other guy took over? Empath: (struggling to feet) (thought balloon) "That dog has dared lay his hands on me? I swear he shall pay for this indignity!" TOM: I *knew* Empath was being too nice. CROW: Fortunately, he's reverted to the stilted-talking bastard we know and love. PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT: Sam re-enters the room. Amara: "Hello. Where's Manuel?" Sam: "Gee...he was just around a second ago..." Empath staggers into the room. Lucius: "Hello, Manuel. Because Amara is leaving the city, your teacher and I thought it best that you return to your school. Somebody will pick you up soon." Empath: Some sort of curdled facial expression. MIKE: "Curdled?" Interesting euphemism for "broken"... Cut to: the Massachusetts Academy. Caption: "Interlude Six: Afternoon in Massachusetts." Frost, in White Queen regalia, MIKE: Hmmm...Tom, do you still have any back issues of the mutant books around? addresses her assembled Hellions, in uniforms. Frost: "I have an announcement of interest to you, students. Apparently somebody is forming a new team of New Mutants..." CROW: [Emma] I have chosen to revive the Intramural Mutant School Softball Team. Failure will be dealt with...most harshly. MIKE: [Hellions] No, Miss Emma, not the lash! PAGES TWENTY-NINE-THIRTY: Caption: "After the group is dismissed..." The team stands around in a group. Jetstream: "Well, what do you think of the idea of a new Xavier's group?" Beef: "Well, I never met da last one..." TOM: [Beef] I'm the big, dumb one. I like bread. Catseye: "Newfriends?" Jetstream: "Perhaps...but please try to remember this time that they are supposed to be our *rivals*." CROW: So no more rubbing against their legs and purring! Catseye looks bewildered. Tarot is dealing out a hand of cards. Roulette, behind her: "So, whatcha doin'?" Tarot: "I am attempting to determine who will be in the new team, using my cards." MIKE: Lots of Tarot usage in this comic. TOM: "Each issue of the September mutant books will be polybagged with a promotional all-Chromium tarot card! One in fifty will contain the ultra-rare Death hologram redemption card!" Roulette: "You'd get better results breaking into her office, y'know." We see the cards. In order: Judgement. Queen of Pentacles. Temperance. Strength. The Magician. CROW: Justice, Mockingbird, Iron Man, The Hulk, and David Copperfield? TOM: Judge Judy, Xena, Murphy Brown, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the Amazing Rando? Cut to: Stevie in her study. Caption: "Meanwhile, at Stevie's house:" Stevie, on phone: "Hello, may I please speak with Amanda?" Stevie: "Hello, Amanda?" TOM: I don't know if you've considered how valuable a full set of encyclopedias can be... Stevie: "My name is Stevie Hunter. I'd like to speak with you about some of the things you can do..." ALL: [singing] When yoooou...do that thing you doooo... Stevie: "I mean, your abilities." Stevie: "Yes, that ability. I'm trying to organize a school for mutants to learn the use of their powers, and your name was given to us as a possibility." CROW: [Stevie] No, we're not a cult. No, we're--hello? Hello? Stevie: "Well, probably Massachusetts." Stevie: "No, we'll pay for everything. Oh, and we know somebody in the government who could...alter your file." MIKE: And delete all references to the "Noodle Incident," if you know what I mean. Stevie: "We could send you a ticket for a few days from now." Stevie: "Okay, I'll be in touch." Enter Sam. Stevie: "Well, I just recruited our next student." Sam: "What, on the phone? What if someone listened in?" Stevie: "Don't be silly, Sam, why would someone listen in? Almost nobody knows about us, and I doubt anyone would bother anyhow." Cut to: A mysterious figure in a dark room, obviously listening to a linetap. Mysterious figure: "Indeed." CROW: After she's hung up? Man, that's one magic linetap! MIKE: Is this The Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand, or a new guy? TOM: I think it's a new guy. MIKE: Lot of shadowy mysterious strangers in this comic. TOM: Actually, for a mutant book, it's a little sub-average. CROW: Yeah, there's no one with a dark, mysterious past who's named after an airport. PAGE THIRTY-ONE: Caption: "Interlude Seven: Evening in Manhattan" A businessman stands at an airport desk. Businessman: "I'd like the reserve ticket for Stone, please." MIKE: Stone Phillips, no! Ticketperson: "Yes, sir. Here you go." Businessman: "Blast! I left my briefcase. Could you hang onto the ticket a few minutes?" Ticketperson: "Sure." Businessman leaves. He comes back without the briefcase and the ticketperson gives him the ticket. 'Businessman': "Thanks, babe." TOM: Well, obviously this is someone else. Who hasn't appeared yet? CROW: Trent Darnell, Lara Ventura, and Lara's Father. MIKE: Yay, Lara's Father! [the 'bots just look at him] MIKE: Well, he's going to be dead soon, we might as well give him some support. Businessman returns with briefcase. Businessman: "Well, where's my ticket?" Ticketperson: "I just gave it to you, sir." The last panel shows the 'businessman' boarding a plane to Boston. TOM: Next week on the X-Files... MIKE: [Mulder] I tell you, there's a shapechanger out there stealing peoples' Frequent Flyer Miles! CROW: [Scully] But, Mulder, why would he do that? MIKE: [Mulder] NEVER QUESTION ME!!!! PAGES THIRTY-TWO-THIRTY-THREE: Caption: "Portland, Oregon" Lara is reading in the living room. Her father enters. Father: "What are you doing? You know you're not supposed to read until you're done with your homework!" Lara: "But--" Father: (dialogue is in Pilipino Tagalog) " " ALL: Booooo! Lara: " " She looks very flustered by now. Father: " " MIKE: How do you think this guy should die? Phone rings, mercifully interrupting his monologue. TOM: Blinded to death by the reflection off a stack of chromium covers. He answers the phone. CROW: Forced to watch "Men Behaving Badly" until his face melts. Father: "Hello?" MIKE: Choked to death by his own shoes. Father: "Yes, speaking." Father: "Yeah, what about her?" Father: "A special school, huh?" CROW: Now he's selling her into prostitution? MIKE: No, he's not selling her into prostitution! Father: "How much will it cost?" Father: "*Full scholarship*?" Father: "What was the name of the school?" Father: "She can be a real problem sometimes. Can this school maintain discipline?" CROW: Are you *sure*, Mike? MIKE: Geez, now he's *really* becoming unlikable... Father: "Yeah, I think that could be arranged." Father: "No, she can't come the phone right now. I'll talk to her about it later." Father: "G'bye." Father hangs up phone. Father: "LARA!" TOM: [Lara] One moment, Father, I'm planning your untimely demise! CROW: I just realized, this guy is just like Marvel Boy's father. MIKE: Who? TOM: A telekinetic who killed his father. Maybe history will pre-repeat itself. PAGE THIRTY-SIX: Stevie is sitting in her study. Lila enters, carrying 2 cups of tea. Lila: "How goes the recruitment, 'o noble founder?'" Stevie: "Well, Lara just agreed--or, rather, her father agreed for her. I've had kids with parents like that before in my classes. MIKE: This week, on the "NBC Moment Of Truth Movie..." I'll need to keep an eye on her." CROW: The sad thing is, in the mutant books, that could be meant literally... Lila: "Decided on a name for the place yet?" Stevie: "I was thinking something like 'The Charles Xavier Memorial School for the Gifted.'" Lila: "Isn't that a bit much?" TOM: You're right. I'll pick a better name. How about "Eunice?" Stevie: "We don't have much choice. I just told one of the parents that that's what it's called." Lila: "What plans do you have next, then?" Stevie: "We need to find a house--" Lila: "I can take care of that." Stevie: "--Some teachers, and get licensed. I figured on Massachusetts, since it's got fairly easy requirements. MIKE: Clearly based on extensive research by the writers. I need to send plane tickets, and we need to recruit our next student." Lila: "The psycho? Oughtta be interesting..." MIKE: Now, is Lila the sensitive one? TOM: [whispering] No, the loud one! PAGES THIRTY-SEVEN-THIRTY-EIGHT: Caption: "Final Interlude: Midnight in Massachusetts." Emma Frost's office. The lights are dimmed, TOM: [Emma, husky] I poured some champagne... CROW: [Catseye] _Bubblydrink?_ MIKE: Crow! but she reads her files in disregard for the social and physical threat of eyestrain. MIKE: [50's announcer] Eyestrain And You. Here we see Emma, up late at night and reading with insufficient light. Careful, Emma! You could go blind! Frost: (thought) "So, they're actually going ahead with it. Two recruits, and two more on their way. This could prove...interesting." Frost: (thought) "Amara could prove a weak point for them. Manuel may still have influence over her, and she is a known quantity, unlike the others." TOM: Especially to the readers... Frost: (thought) "My next order of business should be to block them in their forward plans. Kevin could be too great an asset to let them have...even if I can't have him." CROW: Really, though, doesn't Emma have "Dateline Hidden Camera Investigation" written all over her? TOM: [announcer] It claimed to be an exclusive private school...but its headmistress was literally a "Head Mistress." On the next Hard Copy... Splash panel: Emma: (thought) "So be it, then. My next step begins tomorrow. Beware, Stephanie Hunter, for I am on your trail!" Big caption at bottom: "Next issue: 'The Dull Life of an Asylum Inmate.'" TOM: Well, we're over the hump. CROW: Are you sure? At this rate, the team won't be complete until the Special Double-Sized Issue #25! [Mike picks up Tom.] MIKE: Yeah, but the air's laden with portent, isn't it? CROW: Get my snorkel. [Doors sequence. The bridge; Mike enters, flipping through an issue of "Marvel Universe Update."] MIKE: So, is Logan his first or last name? TOM: You know, that's only current to the time this fanfic was written. There've been 6 years of nonsensical developments since then. CROW: We haven't even mentioned "Generation X" yet...and don't get us started on "X-Force..." TOM: By the way, do you think the mutant books are an extended metaphor for gay rights? MIKE: Huh? TOM: It's an old theory. Obviously they're about prejudice in general, but think for a second. People aren't afraid of supers like the Fantastic Four, who got their powers through an accident; they're afraid of mutants, who are born into otherwise normal families but are "different." Now, what minority group does that match? Not a racial minority. Not a religious minority. Obviously not a political minority. Who does that leave? Only a sexual minority. CROW: Hey, yeah, and don't forget that most mutants experience "the change" around puberty... MIKE: I dunno, though. From what I've seen, the whole "kill the humans" vs. "can we all just get along" debate matches the black movements of the Sixties better. Professor X as King and Magneto as Malcolm X. Hey, "Professor X," "Malcolm X--" that has to mean something, right? CROW: And if we took your theory to the extreme, that would mean that people love celebrities who become gay through exposure to radiation! TOM: Well, but don't forget...uh...You know that Storm and Mirage and Iceman are all gay! And so's Element Lad! CROW: Oh, give the old fan theories a rest. Besides, several of the mutants are Jewish, so what does that prove? [Light begins to flash.] MIKE: That the only Republican mutant is the Angel? [pushes a control] [Deep 13. Dr. F. holds a printout, on wide greenbar paper. Frank is in the background, made up like Neelix.] DR. F: Enough of this banter, boobies. Let's see what our Frank has come up with. [reads] "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" Frank! [KA-THUNK! groan...] FRANK: Owie... DR. F: Well, let's see what else there is. [flips through the papers] "Lock hapless temp in satellite and send him Star Trek: Voyager fanfics"..."Hire writer to produce book prequel to 'Independence Day'"...hmmm..."An Olsen Twins Christmas..." [SoL] CROW: You couldn't have come up with those on your own? MIKE: [whispering] Don't make him mad; he might forget to send us the next issue. [Deep 13. Frank is made up as Odo.] DR. F: Madder than I already am, you mean? Just for that, I'm sending you the next issue! Hold onto your hats, fools! [KA-THUNK! groan...] Hmmm..."Purchase feeble local public access cable program and exploit it..." [SoL; general mayhem] ALL: WE GOT-- [They cut off as Mike holds up his hands.] MIKE: I always wondered; why do we always go nuts like that when the light flashes? TOM: I don't know; we've just always done it that way. CROW: It's like yelling "LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!" No one's really *excited* to be on SNL, it's just tradition. MIKE: Well, carry on then. ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! [Doors sequence. They enter the theater.] NEW MUTANTS VOL 2 #2 THE DULL LIFE OF AN ASYLUM INMATE Dramatis Personae Kevin Derleth Stevie Hunter Sam Thompson Lara Ventura MIKE: Jim Carrey's Filipino daughter? Amanda Johnson Amara Aquilla CROW: This is fascinating. TOM: Why? It's half the same people as last time. CROW: No, I mean that half the characters have dull, normal names...Thompson, Johnson...and half have exciting, action names! like Hunter and Ventura. Guido Lila Cheney Emma Frost Jetstream Tarot Catseye Beef MIKE: The other red meat. Roulette Bevatron Empath Businessman MIKE: He's back! And still doesn't have a name. Trent Darnell Huang Linwei Huang Wu Deskworker PAGE ONE: Caption: "The Lovecraft Memorial State Home for the Emotionally Disturbed. 9:30 AM." CROW: How did I know Lovecraft was going to come up in this? MIKE: Hey, maybe Sam is really a Deep One. CROW: No, none of these characters are that deep. Caption: (in Kevin's style. All are unless noted otherwise.) "The day feels full of... TOM: Apricots! promise." Kevin wakes up, gets dressed. CROW: Did we really need to see this? More precisely, he is being dressed. MIKE: Umm...how many inmates have servants? He gets breakfast (sitting on his desk, next to a bunch of tarot cards). He eats breakfast and leaves, walking out the door. CROW: How convention-bound! I expected him to slip between the hinges or something. Caption: "Of course, I don't know if this is the day things come together. The cards aren't all that precise, or all that accurate, but, like Hatshepsut says to me, you've gotta deal with the signs you're given." TOM: I'll take "Mixed Metaphors" for two hundred, Alex... Caption: "For those of you that don't know, Hatshepsut's one of my friends. One of my *special* friends, that is--the ones that no one else can see." CROW: [Kevin] My friends don't like it when I take lithium, though, because they hide and won't talk to me for a few hours. Caption: "I don't see why people don't believe me when I say that they're there. After all, they do stuff for me--they're my friends." TOM: [Kevin] Y'know, stuff. Like, y'know, things and stuff. Caption: "They keep on saying that I move those things, when I don't. I still don't understand it. Just because I can see things they can't, they stick me in a place like this." PAGE TWO: Splash page. Kevin walks into the waiting room of an asylum, with lots of inmates, folks in white coats, etc. MIKE: Basket weavers, people who sit and twiddle their thumbs and toes... TOM: "Waiting room?" Oh, yeah, this must be one of those outpatient asylums for the criminally insane. Caption: "I mean, just because I can see what's really there, they stick me in a place with people who want to get away from what's really there." Credits. Title: "The Dull Life of an Asylum Inmate." PAGES THREE-FOUR: Regular caption: "Stevie Hunter's Home. 12:15 PM." Stevie, Lila, Sam, and Amara are at a dining-room table. Apparently Guido has been shanghaied into cooking; he wears an apron and is cleaning up while they eat and talk. CROW: Y'see, he's sort of a slave, and--c'mon, it's *funny*! Sam: "I didn't *mean* to break his jaw, it just sort of came out that way." Amara: "What happened to him?" Lila: "Hear he had to have his jaw wired. One punch, huh? TOM: Because ONE SHOT is all he needs! Didn't know you were that strong." Sam: "Uh-huh." CROW: [Lila] Hmmmmm... Stevie: (changing the subject) "Did I mention that the other new students are arriving today?" Sam: "Really? What're they like?" MIKE: Chicken. Stevie: "Well, their names are Amanda Johnson and Lara Ventura. Amanda's from Washington, she's thirteen; Lara's originally from the Philippines but moved to Oregon; she's fourteen. TOM: Haven't they ever heard of "show don't tell?" MIKE: Well, they did that with Sam, and as a result we still don't know what he looks like. TOM: Hm. Fair point. I haven't met any of them yet. I talked to Amanda on the phone a little; she seems okay." Sam: "Aren't there any male mutants out there any more?" Lila: "What, worried about being outnumbered six to one? TOM: [Sam] Well, when we play rugby boys vs. girls... CROW: But what if it's shirts vs. skins? Thought you were tougher than that, Sam. I sure wouldn't complain if it was the other way 'round..." Stevie: "Lila..." TOM: Lila Cheney: the Crow T. Robot of the mutant universe. Amara: "I was under the impression that you were actually reforming Xavier's, Stevie. CROW: Cleaning up the corrupt teachers on the take, eliminating the child labor laws... What happened to all the old students?" MIKE: They graduated? CROW: Old mutants never die; they just get their own mini- series. TOM: [Weird Al] Besides, this is the *New* Mutants, and we couldn't very well call it the *New* Mutants if it had a bunch of *old* mutants, could we? That'd be really stupid... Stevie: "We're not really sure... Of the ones still on this planet, you were the only one that wasn't held captive or involved in another team." TOM: [counts briefly to himself] The sad thing is, that's actually true. Amara: "Still, I had hoped to meet some of them again." Sam: "Well, here's your chance to branch out. Meet new and interesting people. Make *new* friends." MIKE: SWF, 16, seeks insane Spaniard for manhandling and light housecleaning... Lila: "Here's your chance now. Guido, Amara. Amara, Guido. There, you've increased your friend complement by one. Don't hesitate to ask him for a favour." CROW: Abuse him, it's fun! Guido: (grumble) PAGES FIVE-SIX: Caption: "The Massachusetts Academy. 3:45 PM." In Emma's office. She's normally dressed, and the students are wearing school uniforms (white shirts or blouses, brown suits or skirts). TOM: Knowing the Hellfire Club, I'm surprised they're not sailor schoolgirl fetish outfits at the very *least*. MIKE: Can you imagine Beef in a fuku? He'd look like...uh, that one girl from "Project A-Ko." Empath is there, with jaw wired. Frost: "You may recall my informing you earlier of the formation of a new team of New Mutants. I have a lead on another student, and I wish to visit him to recruit him for our team. His name is Kevin Derleth." Frost: "I wish two of you to accompany me. We don't wish to scare him (shot of Beef, Bevatron, Catseye), and MIKE: When's Bevatron going to get a line? I do not wish to have to babysit you (shot of Empath, Roulette), so Jetstream and Tarot will come along. We will go during the weekend. Dismissed. Haroun, Marie- Anne; please stay a few minutes." CROW: [Emma] You've been...*naughty*. And you know what happens when you're...*naughty*. The students file out into the hallway. Bits of floating dialogue: "Babysit? Sheesh!" "How come they get lucky?" "I'd rather be here without her, personally." "Sshh!" TOM: Don't talk so loud or she might read your mind! "Wonder what he's like?" "Mgngcbasnfjag" Frost: "I suppose you are due a warning of where we are going. Kevin is interred in the Lovecraft Asylum. MIKE: They buried him alive? [thinks] Really living up to their name, I guess... Although he appears to be a telekinetic, he claims to have 'invisible friends' that 'do things for him.'" CROW: Y'know, I was reading a book on medieval legends, and it said that a succubus was an invisible spirit that would come to men at night and, um, do things to them. TOM: So? CROW: Well, think about it. [Pause] TOM & MIKE: Ewww, Crow! Tarot and Jetstream exchange glances. Frost: "Now, now. If you can deal with Catseye, you can deal with him. And *please* do make a good impression... MIKE: Press firmly! and don't let me down." CROW: [singing] "No one ever loved me like she done me..." TOM: I need a rest. [Doors sequence. The bridge.] MIKE: Even after reading all twenty-six issues of "The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Deluxe Edition," I can't help but feel that I'm missing something. TOM: I know what you mean, Mike. If this were a real comic, we'd at least know what Sam looks like, but what's up with the shapeshifter or the stuff in China? MIKE: Hey, maybe the Mads know. It couldn't hurt to ask, right? [He presses some controls.] [Deep 13. Frank is dressed up like a Cardassian, and seems to be in considerable discomfort.] FRANK: Owie...Oh, hi, guys. [SoL] MIKE: Hi, Frank. Hey, do you know what's going on with the new characters in the fanfic? [Deep 13] FRANK: Oh, sure. I've got the character files right here. [waves a handful of punch cards] [SoL] MIKE: Do you suppose you could send them up? [Deep 13] FRANK: Sure...waaait. How do I know this isn't a trick? [SoL] CROW: Oh, we assure you it isn't. [Deep 13] FRANK: Well, okay, then. Give me a second. [SoL; we hear another KA-THUNK! groan...] MIKE: No problem. [pushes a control] Guys, we should really help Frank. CROW: Sure! We'll just rush down to Deep 13, guns blazing, and set him free. Wait...perhaps there's an OBVIOUS HOLE in that plan. TOM: I know! [whispers something to Mike] MIKE: It's so crazy it just might work! Go set it up. [Tom exits.] CROW: Uh, what was all that about? MIKE: Oh, nothing. Say, Crow...have you ever thought about how much you owe Frank? CROW: Owe him? Nelson, are you getting enough oxygen up there? MIKE: Think about how he bakes you ramchip cookies for your birthday...reads you stories...gently tucks you in at night... CROW: [dubiously] Uh, okay. What's your point? [Tom returns, carrying a metal bowl like the one Frank is head-butting.] MIKE: Wouldn't you like to give your buddy's skull a rest? CROW: How? TOM: Like this! [He runs into Crow from behind. Both Crow and the bowl disappear below screen; there is a KA-THUNK and a groan. Mike reaches down and produces a bowl with an impression of Crow's face on it.] MIKE: Thanks, Crow. [pushes a control] [Deep 13. Frank is now made up like a Next Gen Romulan.] FRANK: Okay, I've got the character files ready to upload. [SoL] MIKE: Thanks, Frank. Oh, and here's something for you; you can use this bowl [holds it up] to give your noggin a break. [Crow emerges, woozily.] [Deep 13] FRANK: Well, isn't that nice. Get ready to receive. [SoL. The bowl is missing.] TOM: Huh? Ready to receive...? [A shower of punch cards emerge from the control panel, spraying all over everyone. Commercial light comes on.] MIKE: We'll be right back. [Commercials.] [Doors sequence. All re-enter.] Jetstream and Tarot exit into empty hallway. Jetstream: "What do you believe this person will be like?" MIKE: [flipping through the punch cards] Well, Sam looks like a grey-furred demon with wings, the Chinese girl has super- enhanced senses, and the shapeshifter guy is a mischievous vagabond. TOM: Wow! I feel like I know them... Tarot: "Personally, I cannot say. However, the cards indicate that he has great potential. He sees the world in a different way from most, but his way is strong. He seeks truth. He--" MIKE: Also, a lot of other pre-existing supporting characters were going to join the school staff. CROW: Whoa, big surprise *there*. They walk around a corner, where the others are sitting around waiting. Roulette: "He didn't ask what the *cards* thought, he asked what *you* thought. Can you even think without those bloody cards?" MIKE: I thought she was from New Jersey? TOM: Have you heard Lila or Sam say "bloody" so far? I think she stole their dialect. Jetstream: "Jennifer, please don't--" Bevatron: (changing the subject): "So, what is the news?" MIKE: You know they have to pay him like ten times as much now because it's a speaking role. CROW: Maybe it's one of the roles the writers wrote in so they could have a bit part in the episode? TOM: From what I remember of him from "New Warriors," I doubt it. Unless the authors are blonde, fey-looking Frenchmen. Jetstream: "Apparently, he is somewhat...unusual. We will be visiting the home he is staying at." Roulette: "A 'home?' What's he stayin' in, a psycho ward?" PAGE SEVEN: Caption: "Boston Airport. 8:00 PM." The businessman from last issue is speaking to Airport Security. Businessman: "The man who took my suitcase was around here. I think--There he is!" CROW: That was like yesterday! I call no way! Security & man begin to follow. The figure enters a bathroom, & goes into one of the stalls. Security follows, waiting by the door. The same stall opens, a completely different person exiting it. Security goes to check the other occupied stall; the figure grins and leaves. PAGE EIGHT: Stevie and Lila, living room. Lila: "What time are you and Amara going to the airport?" Stevie: "About half an hour." "I suppose I'd better fill you in on our other plans, too. I've applied to the state of Massachusetts for a licence, and we've arranged for the house. I've also advertised for teachers, and I should begin interviewing soon." CROW: They publicly advertised for teachers at a top-secret mutant facility? TOM: "Wanted: English teacher. Must be fully accredited and able to tolerate freaks." Lila: "How's your car, by the way?" Stevie: "The mechanic fixed up as good as new. Thanks for taking care of that." Lila: "Well, it was the least I could do." CROW: Callously running into you after you lost control and skidded all over the road and all. "Anyway, why doncha head out, and Sam and I can move the stuff to the new house." Stevie: "Uh...Where is the house?" Lila: "I don't remember the exact address. Hang on." Teleportation flashes. Lila exits and returns. Lila: "155 Rural Route 7. In Ipswich, Massachusetts." TOM: Oh, the horror! Stevie: "Isn't it easier to write addresses down in a book?" Lila: "Yeah, but it's a lot less fun." MIKE: Why do I think each page should end with a rimshot? PAGES NINE-TWELVE: Caption: "The Boston Airport: 2:30 PM" Stevie and Amara are sitting on a bench. Amara is disconsolately holding a sign saying "Amanda Johnson." [Note: In the background, the following announcements will be heard: "Will Mr. Roger Pratt please pick up the white courtesy phone?" And on & on in that vein, until: "Will anyone who knows where the white courtesy phone is please pick up the white courtesy phone?" CROW: They even predicted _Bureaucracy_! Oh, wait, that came out in 1987. Amara: "Ms. Hunter?" Stevie: "Yes?" Amara: "When was her flight supposed to arrive?" Stevie: "Noon." Amara: "What time is it now?" Stevie: "Two-thirty." Amara: "Has there been any news lately?" Stevie: "No." They sit, bored. TOM: THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES!! Amara: "I'm going to get something. Would you like something?" Stevie: (sitting up) "Amara, every half-hour you've been going to get something, and I haven't wanted something yet..." Amara: "I'm just being polite..." Amara gets up, carrying the sign. Stevie slumps down again. Amara returns, with Amanda. MIKE: [Amara] Funny thing, the vending machines don't take ancient Roman coins. Amara: "Ms. Hunter? I found her." Amanda: "Hello...?" Stevie gets up and tries to pretend she hasn't been dozing. Stevie: "Hi! I'm Stephanie Hunter, or Stevie. TOM: Ever since she first appeared in 1980 she never called herself anything but "Stevie," and now she's dropping "Stephanie" everywhere she goes? CROW: Maybe she wants to make sure people know she's a woman. I'm the one who talked to you on the phone. You've met Amara?" Amanda: "Yes." Stevie: "Well, there's another student coming in at three. Let's head over to the gate." They leave...and arrive at another gate. A couple people sit at chairs, but it's not too crowded. Amanda: "Well, it's three. They should arrive soon." CROW: It took half an hour to get to the other gate? MIKE: Actually, that's pretty realistic. Amara: "If she arrives on time." Amanda: "Who are we meeting, anyway?" Stevie: "Her name's Lara Ventura." MIKE: [Stevie] Says she's a "pet detective," or something like that. Upon saying that, one of the figures gets up and sort of tentatively heads in their direction. Amara: "Why were you so late?" Amanda: "I'm not sure. Before we took off, they kept serving us coffee and peanuts. We finally left, at noon..." Amara: "From what I have seen, you were fortunate to avoid the prices of food in the airport cafeterias." Stevie: (noticing Lara) "Hang on. Excuse me, are you Lara?" Lara: "Yes." Stevie: "How long have you been waiting here?" Lara: "Twenty minutes...?" TOM: A plane arriving early? Now I've completely lost my belief in this story. Stevie: "Well, let's go collect your luggage. Shame Sam's not here..." At the Baggage Claim. The girls go to get their baggage. CROW: [Amanda, with an overlay of Rosie O'Donnell's "Flipper" routine] Here baggage! [whistles] Here baggage! Stop looking at me like that! It works! Stevie picks up one of the suitcases, but sets it down because it's too heavy. Lara comes up, already carrying a big suitcase, and carries it with no trouble. PAGE THIRTEEN: Caption: "China. 7:30 PM" Wu and Linwei are eating dinner. Linwei: " " CROW: [Wu] Well, "sit" and "stay" are going pretty well, but your "roll over" needs work. Wu: " " Linwei: " " Wu: " " Linwei: " " CROW: That's a rather personal question! Wu: " " TOM: [Linwei] Oh. I'll just, uh, take the flares down from the roof, then. PAGE FOURTEEN: The new house, the living room. Stevie, Amara, Amanda, and Lara enter. Stevie: "Well, this is it." Sam and Lila come down the stairs. CROW: Lila re-buttoning her shirt, Sam smoothing his hair... MIKE: I'd reprimand you, but I'm worried you're right. Lila: "So, these the new students?" Stevie: "Yeah. Amanda Johnson and Lara Ventura, meet Sam Thompson and Lila Cheney. Sam's a student here, and Lila's paying for all of this." One panel of pause. Sam: "Hi. I don't bite." TOM: [Amanda] Oh, I'm sorry, I just realized you're the only one whose name doesn't end in a vowel. MIKE: [Lara] Alllll righty, then. Amanda: "Hello." Lara: "...hi..." Stevie: "Well, let's get everything moved in. Sam, can you give us a hand?" PAGES FIFTEEN-SIXTEEN: Caption: "After everything is moved in..." CROW: TWENTY-TWO PAGES OF MOVING-IN ACTION! Stevie: "We've got one more student to talk to, and he's not too far away, so I figured we could go in person. Anyone want to come along?" Sam: "Sure, if it's no problem." Amanda: "Okay." Amara: "I would have no objection." Stevie: "Lara?" Lara: "...ok..." Stevie: "Let's go, then." Caption: "Massachusetts Academy." Frost, dressed normally, is with Jetstream and Tarot, in school uniforms. Frost: "Remember: set a good example for the school. Be on your best behavior, and don't make me regret choosing you." CROW: [Emma] That would be...*naughty*. MIKE: Oh, give it a rest. Frost wanders off, and the other Hellions enter. Tarot pulls out the cards, and begins a reading. Bevatron: "Good luck." Jetstream: "Thank you." Tarot: (muttering to self) "Secrets best kept hidden... a time of troubles..." TOM: [Tarot] Storms over Africa...a need for cheese...rats in the azaleas... Roulette: (to Tarot) "What now? Another card reading?" Tarot: "Yes, I am attempting to..." Roulette: (absolutely fuming) "Attempting to what? Get a royal flush?" Tarot: "No, I'm..." Roulette: "You're letting those stupid cards run your life, that's what you're doing! Look, stupid, MIKE: For a New Jersey gang girl, she has a mouth on her like a Baptist preacher, you know. TOM: Comics Code, stupid. I can show you how useful that is. Remember that reading you did earlier about the members? Fine! Here's Frost's list of the members..." She pulls a deck of playing cards out from somewhere. Roulette: "Look! The first one's named Sam..." (she pulls out a card, and continues to do so as appropriate) "I got the three of clubs, right? Sam's got three letters... Amara and the queen of hearts. Amara's a girl, and she's nobility, and she turns red, sorta...and everyone falls for her... CROW: Everybody Loves Amara, Mondays on CBS. Amanda Johnson, and the jack of diamonds. Johnson begins with J... Lara Ventura and the five of diamonds... Well, you get the idea! I can do the same thing you do with your cards, and I bet it works about as well, too!" TOM: Whoa! Calm down, girl! CROW: The writers seem to have some issues... Tarot looks really hurt by this, as Frost returns. Frost: "We will leave now." (Notices Tarot, and gives Roulette a nasty glare as they exit) TOM: [Emma] Jennifer, what have I said about assaulting the emotionally brittle? PAGES SEVENTEEN-EIGHTEEN: Stevie's car drives up to the asylum. She and the kids get out, and go to the main desk. Stevie: "Hi, I'm Stevie Hunter...I'm from the school, and I called earlier about Kevin Derleth?" MIKE: [receptionist] Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any more of those in stock...we do have a few spare Foolkillers, though. Deskworker: "Yes, just a second...I'm afraid you'll have to wait. It's funny, but somebody from another school came to talk with him today, and they're in there now." Stevie: "Who was it?" Deskworker: "It was a...Ms. Emma Frost, I believe." Cut to Kevin's room. Emma is sitting down, talking to a disgusted-looking Kevin. Jetstream and Tarot are sitting separately, and looking bored. CROW: [Jetstream] So, uhh...you wanna go make out or something? Frost: "...And, if you come to our school, you can make more friends, with people your age, and go on trips with them... Would you like that?" Kevin: "Actually, I'd like you to cut the baby-talk. I'm not five years old, and just because they stuck me in a looney-bin doesn't mean I'm stupid. When you live with a mob of psychotherapists for eight years, you learn every cheap emotion-manipulating trick in the book, and yours aren't even very good. The least you could do is be honest enough to admit that you want me at your school because of what *you* think I can do." ALL: [cheer] CROW: The writers seem to have some issues... Pause, listens to thin air: Kevin: "She does?" (to Frost) "By the way...why are you wearing leather underwear?" TOM: [Emma] I believe I forgot to mention the school dress code... Frost chokes and sputters. She storms out. MIKE: Would that be an...ice storm, then? [uncomfortable pause] CROW: Uh, how 'bout those Dodgers? PAGES NINETEEN-TWENTY: Kevin laughs slightly. Kevin: (to thin air) "Yeah, exactly...*Just* the same." Kevin turns to the slightly bewildered Tarot and Jetstream. Kevin: "Hi. I'm Kevin Derleth." Jetstream: "...Hello. I am Haroun ibn Sallah al-Rashid, and this is Marie-Anne Colbert." Tarot is holding her deck, and staring somewhat disconsolately at it. Kevin: "So, Marie... TOM: [Kevin] What gives you bad dreams? do you use those cards?" Tarot: "....Yes." CROW: [Tarot] Although I'm considering tossing out the entire basis of my life, just because some Jersey bimbo insulted it. Kevin: "So, what spreads do you like to use?" TOM: [shocked] Kevin! You just met her! Cut to: Frost storming off in the corridors somewhere. Caption: (captions are in Kevin's style, again) "I can just imagine what's going through her head, right now." Frost: (thought) "The insolence of that brat! How dare he speak to me like that?" She pauses, and sits down somewhere. Caption: "She's probably trying to figure out what went wrong, and what's up with me..." Frost: "I clearly underestimated him. I cannot understand his behavior, however...it seems completely unpredictable, and doesn't fit his files." [Tom & Crow whistle the X-Files theme.] Caption: "Of course, if she *is* a telepath, she might try to look into my head and see what's there..." Frost goes into a supply closet. Frost: "If I wish to recruit him, I shall have no choice but to read his mind and see what truly motivates him." She concentrates. CROW: [Emma] --the hell? There's nothing in here but a picture of a cow and a cardboard box labelled "Kevin's Worst Nightmare." PAGES TWENTY-ONE-TWENTY-TWO: Caption: "I don't think she'll like what she sees..." BIG two-page splash. The main section fits roughly the outline of a large, winged humanoid (torso, anyway). Outside this area are various shots of inmates reacting, as well as the Hellions and New Mutants. In the center, Emma is recoiling in horror. Most of it follows the fevered imaginations of the artist, MIKE: Since it saves us the trouble of making it up. but it should include: 1. Death. TOM: Peachy keen! 2. Eternity. 3. Any other cosmic beings. 4. Three corpses: An old woman, a middle-aged woman, and a small girl. The latter two are covered in blood. 5. In background, branching, radiating pathways. 6. Other backdrop: Kevin's face (vaguely). 7. Half-transparent, distorted figures (a whole bunch). Have fun. PAGE TWENTY-THREE: Back in the lobby. Sounds of rioting reach the Xavier's people. Amanda: "WHAT...WAS...THAT?!?" CROW: [Announcer] Amidst the horror, Amanda is suddenly struck with Shatneritis! Stevie is at the desk by the deskworker. Stevie: "Well, what's going on?" Deskworker: (looking freaked) "I...I...It sounds like a riot, or something..." TOM: [Deskworker] Oh, wait, that's the patient in room 3A, a Mr. Madrox. He does this every day. Never mind. Everyone looks up in shock, as the Chariot (from the tarot deck) breaks through the wall in a big and shockingly expensive special effects sequence, except that this is a comic where we can do that cheaply. Caption: " TOM: Yes? And? MIKE: Having a little trouble with the next issue title, were we? [picks up Tom] CROW: This is too abrupt! [the screen is showing the hand- written gibberish you see at the end of a film] I want credits! MIKE: Why? CROW: So I know who to hate, that's why! [Exeunt omnes. Doors sequence. SoL bridge.] CROW: In all fairness, I must say it's not the *worst* fanfic we've had up here. MIKE: How so, Crow? CROW: Well, on the up side, there was only one misspelling, and the authors had a reasonable grasp of character. Everyone had different speech patterns, and their personalities were distinct, if somewhat broadly drawn and not always completely consistent with the original versions. TOM: But... CROW: BUT NOTHING HAPPENED! SIXTY-ONE PAGES AND THE ONLY ACTION WAS ONE PUNCH AND A TAROT CARD SMASHING THROUGH THE WALL! FIVE IDENTICAL PANELS OF NOTHING BUT A CAR IN A GARAGE! HALF THE CHARACTERS HAVEN'T EVEN JOINED THE TEAM YET! THERE ARE FOUR TELEKINETICS ON THE SAME TEAM! [desists, sobbing] TOM: Yeah, in the original graphic novel they introduced four new characters in sixty-four pages *and* had a nifty battle with the Hellfire Club. MIKE: Perhaps the writers need to find a genre where they can focus on character and dialogue and ignore plot. CROW: [still sobbing] THERE'S NO SUCH THING, MIKE! MIKE: Well, maybe things will pick up in the next issue. [pushes control] What do you think, sirs? [Deep 13. Dr. F. is holding a stack of the metal bowls. Frank is made up as Mot the Barber.] DR. F: Feeling a little drowsy, are we? I'm sure part three will break your spirits forever! [laughs evilly] Just let me run these through the translator [puts them in receptacle] and I'll send it to you. I'm quite happy with this system; it hasn't produced anything truly vile yet, but I feel like I'm on the cusp. Here's a few examples: "Street Fighter II vs. Highlander"..."Mitchell Collectible Card Game"..."Bee Gees Anthology"..."Fire Joel Schumacher from Batman movies"...well, they can't all be gems. [crumples up the last one and tosses it behind him] Gird your loins for part three, fools! [SoL; general mayhem] ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [Doors. Enter all.] TOM: I just bet the first five pages will be Kevin and Stevie trading quips with the driver of the chariot. MIKE: Oh, cheer up. in computers & minored in electronics in college.) She began her career as a cat burglar in NYC about a year ago. MIKE: Boy, this fanfic has gone off in a whole different direction. --Victor Milan, "Transfigurations," _Wild Cards_ say in the matter, however. You may or may not come to remember my comments on blood made last night. If you do years, but I perfected your every move...learned your TOM: ...the hell? every he felt I could do more for her than he could, and that the I did not wish to jeopardise the possibility. "What had seemed a mere syrup confection was infinitely more- [The film breaks. Mike picks up Tom and stands up.] MIKE: Maybe we're getting lucky, folks. CROW: No, I tell you! The gibberish is what's happening in Emma's mind, and it's going to go on for the next twenty issues! [Doors, somewhat foreshortened. SoL bridge:] MIKE: Something wrong, Dr. Forrester? [Deep 13. The ENIAC setup is smoking and hissing. Frank is made up as a Ferengi, but seems to be getting a break from bowl duty. Dr. F. holds a printout and seems livid.] DR. F: I was hoping you could tell me that, Nelson. The translator got halfway through the latest batch, and suddenly it started printing "BITEMEBITEMEBITEME" over and over. All my electronics are on the blink, and to top it off I just got the bill for all this latex. [SoL; general jubilation] MIKE: So, uh, we don't get to read part three? 'BOTS: Yes! Woohoo! [etc.] [Deep 13] DR. F: [sarcastic] No, Nelson, you don't...the file was corrupted. But just wait! There's a novel by the same writers, using some of the same characters...I'm sure you'll just love it. Get ready to suffer! [presses a button off- screen] FRANK: Steve, what does "Non-system disk or disk error" mean? DR. F: [sputters incoherently a bit] Ohhh...push the button, Frank. [Fwoosh!] [KA-THUNK! groan...] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. All non-original fanfic characters (c) 1997 by Marvel Comics. MiSTed by Doug Atkinson (douga@earlham.edu) Fanfic by Doug Atkinson and Josh Medin Note: The third part of this really did get corrupted on my archive disk. It *was* posted to rec.arts.comics in 1992, so on the extremely thin chance that anyone saved a copy or archived it somewhere, I'd appreciate hearing about it. And, no, I'm not going to MiST the novel; it's too patchy. *Stevie: "We're not really sure... Of the ones still on this planet, you were the only one that wasn't held captive or involved in another team."*