Elmer Studios presents... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I thought I'd terrorise the Preads a bit more with the Tech Specs of the Negative Zero characters. They're just that much fun. "Negative Zero Universe" is copyright 1998 by Christopher Jones. Transformers is copyright Hasbro/Kenner/Tankara or something like that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the middle distant future, About 300 years from now. Three Preadacons went for a ride, Into outer space.. But Galvy has a special plan, To trap them up there, man, And now they are stuck up there, With no way down. [Blackarachnia: Get me outta here!] [Galvatron singing now] I'll send them crappy transfics, The worst that I can find, [La La La] I'll force them to watch them all, And they'll go out of their minds! [La la la] [Return to original singers] Keep in mind they can't control, Where the fanfic begins or ends. [La La La] And the only way to keep sanity, Is to riff how bad fanfics can be... PREDACON ROLL CALL Cyberbee (Can't see me!) Blackarachnia (Get me outa here!) Quickstrike (Anything for you, Sugarbot!) IINNFFEERRNNOO (BUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNN!) If you are wondering how they survive, Eat, transform and other stuff. (La La La) Just repeat to yourself "It's Just a MSTing Isn't that good enough?". For Mystery Preadacon Theater 3000 [Guitar Twang] [Sattelite of Preadacons bridge. The three preadcons are gathered around the console, which is showing a display of the SoP's orbit] Blackarachnia: Hang on a minute... [Turns the control wheel] There it is. Inferno: What is it? Blackarachnia: It appears to be some sort of pod or capsule. It's heading roughly towards the Sattelite. Quickstrike: You mean it's gonna hit us. Blackarachnia: Doesn't look like it. I think it's going to miss us by a tiny bit. Inferno: Is it possible that somone's sending something to us? Quickstrike: Could be. Maybe it's help. Inferno: The Royalty! She must have received the signal and is trying to help us! Blackarachnia: On the outher hand, it could be some hair-brained scheme of Waspinator's. Quickstrike: At any rate, I want to see waht it is. Blackarachnia: There's a problem. We can't leave the SoP to retrive it. Inferno and Quickstrike: What?! Blackarachnia: There's an energon field around the SoP designed to prevent us from leaving. Quickstrike: So how do we get it? Inferno: Hey! We found those manipulator arms on our expiditon! We can use those! Blackarachnia: Of course! We'll grab it as it passes and bring it on board! [They examine the console. Eventually they discover a panel labelled "MANOS MANIPULATOR ARMS"] Quickstrike: This looks like it! [He flips open the panel. A pair of five-fingered waldo gloves rise out of the console.] Blackarachnia: Oh dear. We seem to have a problem. Inferno: What? [Looks at gloves] Oh. [Looks at his hands. Two fingers and a thumb] Blackarachnia: We all seem to be a bit lacking in that department. [Looks at her hands - two oversized opposable claws] Quickstrike: Poopy. That's sunk that one [Looks at his hads - a cobra head and an oversized eight-fingered claw] Blackarachnia: You'll have to operate them, Inferno. You've got the closest approximation of what they need. Inferno: Right! [He slips his hands into the gloves.] Now what? Quickstrike: Just a millicycle. Bring up the display, sugarbot. Blackarachnia: Sure. [Turns the control wheel. A display comes up showing the positions of the capsule, the SoP and the manipulator arms.] Move it a bit to the right. Inferno: OK. [Does such] Quickstrike: Naw. You're a bit low. Move up a bit. Inferno: Sure [Moves them up] Blackarachnia: You're a bit to the left now. Move right a bit more. Inferno: Gotcha. [Moves a bit] Quickstrike: Now your'e too far to the right. Move left. Inferno: Left? Quickstrike: Right. Inferno: Right. [Moves them a bit more to the right] Blackarachnia: Now youre too far to the right! He said go left! Inferno: He said right! Quickstrike: I said left! Inferno: You said right! Quicksttrike: Left! Inferno: Right! Quicksttrike: Left! Inferno: Right! Quicksttrike: Left! Inferno: Right! Blackarachnia: Will you two stop that! Quickstrike: You wanna make an issue of it, Blender-Butt? Inferno: Anytime, two-heads! Quickstrike: Take yer best shot! Inferno: Right! [Swings at him. Quickstrike ducks. The two of them continue fighting whime the manipulator arms move around like crazy on the monitor] Blackarachnia: Cut that out! We're going to loose the pod! Inferno: Take this, runt! [He swings back for a huge punch. Outside, the capsule lands perfectly in the manipulator arm's hand.] Blackarachnia: Well done. I think. Inferno: Naturally, I planned it like that. [Ads] [SoP Bridge. The pod is lying on the floor, and there is stuff strewn around the place. The three Preadacons are looking through the pod's contents.] Blackarachnia: So what'd we get in the end? Quickstrike: From the looks of things, a Playstation and some games, a couple of WWF videos, the entirety of season four of Voyager, a collection of Gen13 Bootleg issues, a copy of Champions 4th edition and an inflatable banana. Blackarachnia: How bizzare. Inferno: There was also a note. Blackarachnia: What'd it say. Inferno [Picks up note]: "Don't mention this to the boss and there'll be more." Blackarachnia: No name on it? Inferno: No. [The light on the console buzzes] Quickstrike: Speaking of which, Budansky and Defalco are calling. Blackarachnia: Inferno, get the invention. [She walks over to the console and pushes a button. The grinning faces of Galvatron and Megastorm appear on the screen.] Galvatron: Hi there, my little pets. How are things up on your little ant farm? Quickstrike: Same as allways, boss. Galvatron: That's good to hear. I wouldn't want you to be getting optermistic about your futures or anything! [Maniacal laughter] So how about we get the ball rolling with your inverntion for the exchange? Blackarachnia: Sure thing. [Inferno walks on with a black box with a cear plastic lid. It is divided into may labelled compartments.] [Darkside 13] Galvatron: Nice. What does it do? [SoP] Blackarachnia Well, we were reading through a Transformers opinion poll, and found a section on "Part you're most likely to loose." So we came up with this handy part storer! Quickstrike: See? It's got little lables for everything so you know where to put them! This comaprtment's for Decepticon Jet Nosewheels. This one's for Optimus's hands. This one is for the Constructicon's guns. And this one over here is for Waspinator's missiles! Galvatron: So what are those two big ones for? Inferno: Both halves of Battletrap! Galvatron: Why? Inferno: Got one vote for bit you're most likely to loose. So we thought we'd include a space for him. [Darkside 13] Galvatron: Well that was a spectacularily brainless invention. Megastorm: I think it's cool! Galvatron: Shut up, and wheel in the invention. Megastorm: Sure thing, boss. [He wheels in a huge device looking like a steam driven photocopier with a huge hopper at one end.] Galvatron: This is the Sequel-O-Matic. You feed a book or movie script in one end and a finished sequel will come out the other end. Allow me to demonstrate. Megastorm? Megastorm: Sure thing boss. [Holds up a novel] This here's Michael Chriton's "Jurassic Park". A pretty neat book. And I'll just drop it in here... [He drops it into the hopper] Galvatron: Watch and learn. [The machine makes a variety of noises, bleches smoke and eventaully pos a novel out the other end. Galvatron takes it.] And here we have the end result. "The Lost World", a pretty weak bit of fiction which just screams of "lame sequel". Am I evil or am I evil? [SoP] Blackarachnia: Not to rain on your parade, but that bok was published in 1996. [Darkside 13] Galvatron: Poopie. Megastorm: I dunno. I fed "Hunt For Red October" in one end and I got the complete works of Tom Clancy out the other. Including all the books he's merely endorsed. And a copy of the Politika CD-ROM. Galvatron: Shut up you dolt. I'm felling very evil now, so I think I'll torture you with the tech specs of the Negative Zero characters instead of the pain I'd planned. Push the button, Megastorm! [He does such] [SoP] Inferno: We got Tech Spec Sign! [They run around panicking] [Door sequence!] [Door 5 - It's a Catflap. You crawl through it] [Door 4 - A garage door. You blip it with the remote, then open it manually when that fails] [Door 3 - An elevator door. You push the button and it opens] [Door 2 - A revolving door. You go round a few times then proceed] [Door 1 - A vault door. It's unlockled] [The three of them walk into the theatre. Quickstrike sits down on the far left. Blackarachnia sits next to him. Inferno rips the back off a seat and sits down next to Blackarachnia] > The Negative Zero Universe Blackarachnia: Here we go again. Just when you think it's over... > by Christoper Jones (11) > Last revised: 8/9/97 > All characters that are not copyrighted by Hasbro/Takara/Kenner belong > to Christopher Jones. Inferno: And he can keep them. > Note: 1 qa'rouum vorn=8300 Terran years. Inferno: One Florin and One Sixpence = Half a Crown. Quickstrike: 2 Rabbits = Lots of Rabbits. Blackarachnia: 50 Wildebeest = Brown. > Purpose of Negative Zero (as of 3/22/2013): Blackarachnia: To annoy readers with long, boring fanfics. > Negative Zero is composed of a band of qa'rouum, a nonviolent, Infinity > -worshipping Inferno: Whiny > sect of Cybertronians. Quickstrike: Total wooses, the lot of them. > Their High Priest, Eleven, concluded > that if the qa'rouum continued to be slaughtered and not retaliate, Inferno: They needed a new coach. > then > they will suffer complete genocide. He chose eight of his most versatile > and devoted followers Blackarachnia: The Magnificent Seven! Plus one. > and a Hybrid Quickstrike: Was Tonka sponsoring him? > and sent them to Earth until Eleven decided it was time to Inferno: Get the plot moving. > save their people. He must break his tradition of > nonviolence in order to save his people. He hopes that Negative Zero will > be enough to do so. Blackarachnia: I wonder if he's got a fallback plan if they're not. Quickstrike: He sticks his head in the sand. > When Eleven traveled to Earth to revive his Chosen, Inferno: Note the careful use of capitals. > he met a Decepticon fugitive Quickstrike: Played by Harrison Ford, and pursued by Tommy Lee Jones. > who later became an addition to the Zeros. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Syd'yanio 11-K Quickstrike: Syd to his friends. > Codename: Eleven > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 360 qa'rouum vorns (2,988,000 years), + 1.5 million > years in creation Inferno: He's a late riser. > Function: Blackarachnia: Authour Avatar. > Negative Zero Commander > Former Function: Quickstrike: Free-range plot contricance. Blackarachnia: Histroical re-writer for hire. > Iacon Security > Intended Function: Inferno: God-boy. > Qa'rouum High Priest Inferno: Close enough. > Cybertronian Transformation: Small-scale radio telescope Blackarachnia: That's a really dumb thing to turn into. > Terran Transformation: White GMC Z-71 Sierra pickup 4x4 Quickstrike: Good mileage, decent brakes. Built-in aribags. > Weapons: Devilslayer BR-13 disruptor, All: TM > Devilslayer BR-1.3 flamethrower Blackarachnia: See my earlier point about Religious figures and flame -throwers. Inferno: I still want to know what's wrong with that. > Height: 23.5 feet (7.05 meters) All: I'm Huge! > If he were a human, he would be a(n): Blackarachnia: No-life TransFan with too much time on his hands. > Philosopher > "Faith makes illogically perfect sense." Quickstrike: And that motto makes absolutely no sense. > Eleven is a walking contradiction. He is intended to lead his religious > sect of Cybertronians, the qa'rouum, to safety, yet at the same time, he > values logic as the most reliable method of obtaining knowledge. Blackarachnia: Where's the contradiction in that? I don't see how the two things are even related. > He often asks himself which is the correct path. Inferno: Try the road map. > His goal is to somehow unite the two entities of logic and faith. Quickstrike: Lotsa luck, pal. > Eleven believes if he can do this, Blackarachnia: He'll make a fortune off the book sales. > then > he can unite the peoples of Cybertron, including the Autobots and > Decepticons. Inferno: You watch. He will. > He seeks logical means to his end, yet he has infrangible faith. Vlackarachnia: I still don't see the problems there. > Is slightly attracted to former Decepticon Acid Rain, and technically > owes her his life. Subconsciously compares himself to Autobot Commander > Supreme Optimus Prime. Inferno: Supreme Optimus Prime? Blackarachnia: He's one of those very rare, highly sought-after Gen 2 toys. > Has broken qa'rouum tradition of nonviolence by > agreeing to engage his enemy, Quickstrike: Three Preadacons trapped in a theatre. > the DemonRazors, in Inferno: A game of chess. > battle. War-torn, yet > battle-ready. Introspective, yet lively. Has immense sense of humor. Quickstrike: Could he have shown us some of it? > Happy, yet sad. Blackarachnia: In other words: In dire need of therapy. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Cyru All: Bless you! > Codename: Freestyle Blackarachnia: I prefer butterfly myself. > Age: (as of 3/22/2013): 254 qa'rouum vorns (2,108,200 years) > Function: Ground Tactical Strategist; Inferno: And chief bagel-maker! > Negative Zero Second-In-Command Quickstrike: The head lackey. > Intended Function: Qa'rouum Pathfinder > Cybertronian Transformation: Metal Grinder Blackarachnia: Would it do Fanfics as well? > Terran Transformation: Red '91 Plymouth Laser Quickstrike: Oooh! Nice car. Shame about the contents. > Weapons: Spade-08 Fusion Pistol Inferno: Spade? Blackarachnia: Maybe it doubles as a shovel. > Height: 18.7 feet (5.61 meters) > If he were a human, he would be a(n): Inferno: Paid sycophant. > Marine Quickstrike: He looks better in red though. > "Tell me what you know about me and I'll tell you a lie." Blackarachnia: He could go miles on chat shows that way. > Before Eleven suggested the Negative Zero option, Freestyle was a > Pathfinder for the qa'rouum. His function was to seek new territory for > their people to run to when the DemonRazors came to attack. Quickstike: In other words, he points to the sand that they stick their heads in. > He did his job well, but he secretly hated it. Inferno: He was after a promotion, and had a lousy boss. > He yearned to strike back at their enemies, Blackarachnia: At last! One with a spine! > and when Eleven, whom he had served faithfully, chose him to be one of the > Zeros, he rejoiced for days. Quickstrike: He's one hell of a party animal. Inferno: Unfortunately, then his parents came home... > He is a solitary qa'rouum, witholding many secrets even from Eleven, Blackarachnia: If Eleven ever found out who took the last beer, he'd be in for it. > the only one he confides in. He desperately seeks > to do the right thing, even though Freestyle interprets what it is in his > own manner, Quickstrike: At least, that's what he tells the cops. > which may be young and immature. Is a perfect marksman with his > Spade-08 Fusion Pistol. All: Naturally. > Looks to Eleven and Infinity for guidance. Inferno: He's really asking for it that way. > Very close > -minded to new ways. Enjoys orders, giving them and receiving them from Eleven. > Very ascetic. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Tal'ullno > Codename: Firecracker Inferno: Unfortunately, he's been banned from most states. > Age (as of 3/22/3013): 205 qa'rouum vorns (1,701,500 years) Blackarachnia: His fake ID says 210. > Function: Infiltration > Intended Function: N/A > Cybertronian/Gobotronian Transformation: Inferno: An unidentifiable plastic lump! > Mobile Radio Antenna Quickstrike: He gets awesome reception, wherever he goes. > Terran Transformation: Blue Porsche 911 Turbo Blackarachnia: You know, I'm beginning to think that Lev did the worst in the vehicle mode stakes out of his bunch. > Weapons: Calybre-.7.11. Pulse Cannon Quickstrike: With a smooth, curved grip for your ease of use! > Height: 16.1 feet (4.83 meters) > If he were a human, he would be a(n): Rock band singer Blackarachnia: So he takes lots of drugs and bites the heads of chickens? > "The best of both worlds Inferno: Was a really cool Star Trek ep. But that's not important. > doesn't matter in a hateful universe." > Firecracker is one of a rare breed of robot; a Hybrid. He is fifty > percent Autobot, fifty percent Go-Bot. Quickstrike: And one hundered percent annoying. > The Autobot and Go-Bot that created him are unknown to Firecracker. Blackarachnia: All he needs to do to find out is to read the Enquirer. > This alone has caused him to endure immense hatred from Go-Bots, Inferno: That is, those smart enough to figure out what "Hatred" means. > Autobots, and Decepticons. Blackarachnia: And any TransFan who reads this. > He simply fits into > no category except the Hybrid, which are nigh extinct. Inferno: That's probably for the best. > His physical > appearance does not reveal any sign of intercybernetic mixture. Blackarachnia: Except if you flip him over in car mode. Then you can see his face on his chassis. > He lived > on Cybertron for most of his life until some qa'rouum, led by Eleven, > found him on a pathfinding mission. Quickstrike: I found him! Can I keep him? > Instead of putting him to death as nearly everyone else would have, Inferno: Common sense rules! > Eleven told Firecracker of his Negative > Zero plan and commanded him to wait on Earth ten years until the time > came to activate the team. Blackarachnia: So... Let me get this striaght. Eleven told this guy about Negative Zero, then ordered him to go to Earth? Um... I'm assuming he had a choice here. > He tries to maintain a pleasant attitude towards > life, even though it seems to hate him. Blackarachnia: It's his Gobot side. He's too dumb to figure it out. > Is able to generate explosive bursts of energy Quickstrike: He's gotta knock off the Mexcian food. Blackarachnia: Watch it. > and also energy bombs which detonate at will, hence the > name "Firecracker". Is able to "explodaport", i.e. blow himself up Inferno: Bummer of a power. > and rematerialize at a nearby location. Quickstrike: But still in peices. Great work there. > Optimistic. Realistic. Blackarachnia: Those two terms don't quite fit together. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Unniah Inferno: They asked for a name, and the only answer was "Um... Er." So it stuck. > Codename: First Grade Inferno: Middle kid of Preschool and Second. > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 651 qa'rouum vorns (5,403,300 years) > Function: Repair/Maintenance > Intended Function: Repair/Maintenance Quickstrike: So... What's the difference? > Cybertronian Transformation: Repair Bay > Terran Transformation: Yellow Ward B-700 school bus Blackarachnia: I take it back. Freestyle and Firecracker got lucky. > Weapons: Liquid nitrogen bombs > Height: 36.2 feet (10.86 meters) > If she were human, she would be a(n): Nurse Quickstrike: Hello nurse! > "Even if it's not broken, try to fix it anyway." Blackarachnia: A philosiphy followed by all major software companies. Not that they ever succed. > When he first conceived the concept of Negative Zero, Inferno: Christopher Jones had no idea of the chaos he would unleash. > Eleven thought about > a large band of rebellious qa'rouum ready to fight at all times. Quickstrike: He wanted a team of Scottish Soccer fans? > He did not believe that a peace-loving, grandmotherly robot Blackarachnia: Grandmotherly? There are Transformers much older than that who don't act old. Like Megatron, Soundwave, Optimus Prime... > such as First Grade would ever agree to join the group, Quickstrike [Announcer]: Rebellios Senior Citizens running of to join millitia groups! Story at six! > but Eleven could not refuse her, Inferno: Or her chocolate chip cookies. > as the > team would most likely need a mechanic of some sort. She treats the other > Zeros as her own children, Blackarachnia: And spoils them rotten. > but will occasionally scold them if they "get lax". Blackarachnia [First Aid]: You watch it young bot, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap! > Her school bus mode was the optimum disguise for the aged robot's > size. Quickstrike: And her decrepit condition. > It also expressed her deep interest in young humans, as she spent > ten years driving elementary school children before she was summoned. Inferno: After ten years of having schoolkids ride in me, I'd be a borderline psychotic. Blackarachnia: Like that'd be a difference. Inferno: WHAT? Blackarachnia: Er... nothing. > Large size, but poor manuverability. Quickstrike: Looks like a fish, moves like a fish. Steers like a cow. > Concern for team's welfare often excessive. Blackarachnia [First Grade]: Have you got your rifle? Inferno: Yes, mum. Blackarachnia [First Grade]: Spare tyre? Inferno: Yes, mum. Blackarachnia [First Grade]: You're not going to go out and fight those nasty Demonrozers again, are you? Inferno: No, mum! > An excellent mechanic with vorns of experience. Very religious. Nearly > always happy. Quickstrike: Probably on drugs. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Kannt Inferno: When asked if they could think of a name, the reply was "I can not". Another sad victim. > Codename: Nec-Tor Blackarachnia: I wonder if he's related to Tor-Go? > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 423 qa'rouum vorns (3,510,900 years) > Function: Spy > Intended Function: Spy Quickstrike: So why bother telling us that? > Cybertronian Transformation: Infra-red flashlight Blackarachnia: You know, somone ought to point out that there are normal machines on Cybetrtron. Not *everything* is a Transformer. > Terran Transformation: Viceroy butterfly (Limenitis archippus) > Weapons: Immobilizer K.B.O Quickstrike: You're back with The Morning Immobliser here on KBO. > Height: 3.22 feet (0.966 meter) All: Shrimp! > If he were a human, he would be a(n): Army Sergeant Blackarachnia: He's going to get a lot of respect being that big. > "Hey! Don't step on me!" All: Why? > If Nec-Tor were of average Cybertronian stature, Quickstrike: They'd serve him in bars. > he would be a proud robot. Inferno: But this way he's just a flat one. > He has been a spy ever since his creation, has sought information about > the surrounding populace on Cybertron, Quickstrike: In other words, he's a nosy neighbour. Blackarachania: A vital element of the SitCom world. > and is very good at his job. He has > all the sense of a Terran army general, and acts as gruff. Blackarachnia: What? He likes to shout abuse at his men and leads from as far away as possible? > The problem is, he is only three feet in height, and is often accidently Inferno: Stepped on. > pushed around by > taller qa'rouum and his new teammates, despite his cantankerous air and > militant attitude. Blackarachnia: Maybe they push him around because of that... > His Terran transformation, a butterfly, has only caused > him to be the object of more jokes by the taller Zeros. Qickstrike: It also once got him nailed to a wall in a museum. > His smaller Earth > size makes him an effective spy, but very vulnerable if caught. Inferno: Or chased by a bird. > Loves to disagree. Can bite off much more than he can chew. Blackarachnia: Big deal. Anyone can do that. Just ask Quickstrike. Quickstrike: Hey! > Nearly impossible to aim > at. "I told you so" philosophy often self-deprecating, straining his fragile > self-esteem under his pride. Blackarachnia: Did any of that last sentance make any sense? Inferno and Quickstrike: [Shrug] > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Nirixia K'ah Udolate > Codename: Saturn Quickstrike: I prefer Playstation myself. Blackarachnia: Cut it with product endorsments. Do you want to get us sued? > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 228 qa'rouum vorns (1,892,400 years) > Function: Air Support > Intended Function: Qa'rouum Dream Analyzer Inferno: In other words: Head Shrinker. > Cybertronian Transformation: Three-winged Cybertronian Cruiser (aka the > Decepticon Jets on Cybertron) All: Minion! Blackarachnia: If anyone gets that, please tell us. > Terran Transformation: Blue/Black Zero A6M5 Quickstrike: I thought they were trying to lay low on Earth... So why chose a rare WWII fighter for a vehicle form? > Weapons: "Zapper" Inferno: So she attracts mosquitos then fries them? > Code-Red Electrocutor Type Z; twin AK-47s in airplane mode on wings Blackarachnia: AK-47? I can't see the connection between a Russian assault rifle and a Japanese WWII plane. > Height: 20.9 feet (6.27 meters) > If she were human, she would be a(n): High school cheerleader Quickstrike: The chearleader reference indicates brainlessness, right? Blackarachnia: Right. Quickstrike: Yet she used to be a shrink, right? Blackarachnia: Right. Quickstrike: My heads hurt. > "The truth is the shortest distance between your heart and mind." All: Uh? Blackarachnia: Um... Whatever. I'm not even going to think about that one. Inferno: Maybe Dr Thinker was editing. Blackarachnia: That would explain all the bimbos... > Saturn chose her Terran codename not after the god of time, but rather > after Quickstrtike: A really crappy console machine. Blackarachnia: What did I say? > Sol 6, planet Saturn, the most beautiful planet. She appreciates > beauty in nearly all its forms. Saturn is by far the most energetic Zero > and perhaps qa'rouum. Some believe her "happy" circuits are overcharged. Blackarachnia: "Happy Circuts?" "Happy Circuts?!" I'll give him Primus-Damned Happy Circuts right up the- Quickstrike: Watch it, sugarbot! Inferno: Yeah! Blackarachnia: Uh... uh... Must... control... fist of death... Quicstrike: You OK? Blackarachnia: Fine. What the hell does he think this is? Red Dwarf? Inferno: Naw. That show has too much class for this. > She "loves" everybody and everything and cannot be depressed for more > than several Earth minutes. Inferno: She's probably on the same stuff as First Grade. > She is a flying vehicle, which was useless > to the qa'rouum since they never fought back or retaliated, Blackarachnia: I dunno. How about using her for scouting? Or spotting approaching enemies? Or exploration? Inferno: Or as a target? Blackarachnia: Good call. > but she was > a prime choice for Eleven's new brigade. Saturn can talk for several > days without rest. Quickstrike: Usually long-distance, and without reversing the charges. > If she weren't a pleasant and confiding robot, she > would be annoying. Enjoys all new things. Certain emotions may be > superficial. Blackarachnia: Her character's pretty shallow, so I don't see why not. > Sometimes confuses herself due to low memory recall, Inferno: She's as blonde as you can be without hair. > and and would have compassion even for her hated enemies, Blackarachnia: So in other words, she's another screaming helpless female cliche. Great. > making possible Zero raids difficult to accomplish. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Iraxus (approximate translation) > Codename: Arrowhead > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 232 qa'rouum vorns (1,925,600 years) > Function: Weapons Master Inferno: Aka Tim the Tool Man. > Intended Function: Qa'rouum Junior Diplomat Quickstrike: That's on POed diplomat. > Cybertronian Transformation: Antigravity Low Altitude Cruiser Inferno: At last! One that doesn't suck. > Terran Transformation: Green Geo Metro and green small-scale F-117A > Nighthawk Blackarachnia: Of course, if he was really a Triple-changer, then he'd have three Cybertronian modes... > Weapons: (primary) Four purple positron sabers, energo machete, > Devilslayer BR-1300 long-range bazooka, shoulder-mounted twin- > barreled mortar cannons Inferno: Is that all? Quickstrike [Announcer]: But wait, there's more! Order now and we'll throw in this free set of steak knives! > Height: 22.3 feet (6.69 meters) > If he were a human, he would be a(n): Inferno: A crazed right-wing NRA member. > Bounty hunter (in training) Quickstrike: My kinda guy. > "My gun moves faster than you think and is bigger than your head." Inferno: So's mine! Blackarachnia: Me too. And just about any other Transformer I'd care to name. > Of all the qa'rouum, Arrowhead underwent the most radical change, Blackarachnia: He gained a personality? Quickstrike [Arrowhead]: I lost two tons on the Jenny Craing Transformer Program. Ask me how. > converting from a diplomat to a weapons master. Blackarachnia: If he worked at the UN, that wouldn't be too hard. > Like Freestyle, he > secretly wanted retaliation far more than fleeing and attempting to make > peace with crazy racist zealots. Inferno: He wanted to put big holes in them! > His function accurately mirrors his inner soul, Quickstrike: Extremely Pissed Off! > his call to battle. He enjoys very much fighting, Blackarachnia: "Enjoys very much fightng?" Um... Quickstrike: Enjoys fighting a lot? Inferno: Enjoys a lot of fighting? > much like Eleven > did at one time, but he has at times a more halcyon state. He chose the > conservative Geo transformation for camouflage. Is a triple-changer. Quickstrike: We'd kinda guessed. > Makes > a very nice friend. Created all Negative Zero armaments. Sometimes prone > to vunerability in battle because he spends to much time choosing his > weapons. Admires Dinobots Snarl and Grimlock. Blackarachnia: Presumably not for their linguistic skills or diplomatic talents. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Triz Acro > Codename: Hard Drive Blackarachnia: Evil twin of CD-ROM. > Age: 283 qa'rouum vorns (2,348,900 years) > Function: Communication/Engineer > Intended Function: Communication Inferno: He's obviously difersifying. > Cybertronian Transformation: Security scanner Blackarachnia: See my earlier point about inanimate machines on Cybertron. > Terran Transformation: Personal Computer (housed in black Acer Aspire > hardware) Quickstrike: What kinda sucky transformation is that? > Weapons: Computer and System Virii; Blackarachnia: Windows 98, IE4... > "Brain Drain" Inferno: What? He makes people read fics. > Height: 14.4 feet (4.32 meters) > If he were a human, he would be a(n): President of the Audiovisual Club > in high school Inferno: Read "Spotty no-life nerd who hngs around with other spotty no- life nerds." > "Out of all possible answers, there is only one true one." Blackarachnia: 42. > Hard Drive is one of the most intelligent sentient robots ever created. Blackarachnia: Funny that. You'd think that all of Negative Zero was made up of Uberbots. Fortunatly, Firecracker and Saturn prove otherwise. > He spends each second of his existence asking and answering his own > questions. Quickstrike: In other words, he talks to himself. > The retaliation proposed by Eleven appealed to him because he > finally had an opportunity to put to work some of his inventions Inferno: We're obviously talking mad scientist here. > (inspired by Autobots Computron and Wheeljack). All: Definitely. > During the ten years he spent on > Earth, he was a personal computer for a family of three. Blackarachnia: Pardon me for saying this, but wouldn't he have been upgraded or replaced during that time? Or for that matter, didn't anyone look under the hoods of any of these guys during those ten years? It'a a know fact that under the hood a Transformer does *not* resemble a normal Earth vehicle. Quickstrike: Good rant. Blackarachnia: Thanks. > Hard Drive had to slow himself down to normal Earth speeds. Inferno: Less if he's on AOL. > Splits into four components > in Earth mode: monitor, vertical tower, keyboard, and mouse. Quickstrike: Obviously the printer costs extra. > Often boastful and doubts that he can be wrong. Blackarachnia: While on Earth he wrote Self-Insertion fics. > Can make almost anything out of anything. Inferno: Naturally. > Friendly, but often "spaced-out", Quickstrike [Hard Drive]: Like, wow man. > thinking of his own queries. "Brain Drain" > is his ability to forcefully absorb and download information from enemies, Blackarachnia: So he *is* with Microsoft! > which has not been tested in actual combat. If had the chance, would love > to read Star Trek novels. All: Nerd! Quickstrike: And a nerd with no taste in lita-ra-chure at that. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Icrestro > Codename: Slick Blackarachnia: Or at least he thinks he is. > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 211 qa'rouum vorns (1,751,300 years) > Function: Relations/Special Operations Inferno: So he'll blow things up, assasinate bots and steal info, but be very nice and polite about it. > Intended Function: Relations > Cybertronian Transformation: B-19 Qa'rouum Ground Formal Transport > Terran Transformation: Brown 1985 Lincoln Stretch 58" limousine > Height: 28.5 feet (8.55 meters) > Weapons: Optic Disruptor (Flash); Quicstrike: In front of a lady? Really! > "Dekineticizer"(Freeze Ray) Blackarachnia: Picky picky picky. Just call it a freeze ray and be done with it. > If he were a human, he would be a(n): musician or civil rights activist Blackarachnia: I seem to recall saying something about "Whine for peace, Snivel for justice..." > "Fight fire with ice, not more fire." Quickstrike: That one actually made sense. Inferno: But fire's more fun! > Slick considers himself to be the "coolest" Zero and qa'rouum in general. Quickstrike: And compared to these guys, he's right. > He has a large (non-narcisstic) pride, and has impeccable manners. Inferno: he even knows which fork to start with. > He flatters all the other Zeros (sometimes for something in return), All: Naturally. > especially Saturn and First Grade. Blackarachnia: Who are so dense they buy it all the time. Quickstrike: Bitter? Blackarachnia: A little. > He seems to be able to relate to almost everyone, Inferno: Let's see how he does with Rampage. > and for this, Eleven thought he would make a worthy addition to > Negative Zero, since he could strengthen the team's support system. Blackarachnia: He could probably get them spots on the best chat shows. > His > knowledge of all the peoples of Earth and the peoples of Cybertron makes > him even more necessary. Inferno: He knows all the good resturants. > He tries to stay in touch with all the current > trends and sayings and customs of the peoples he has studied. Quickstrike [Slick]: I'm one hip-hop and happening dude, man. Groovy. > Enjoys loud music. Blackarachnia: Eleven is probably constently shouting at him to turn down the stereo. > Terran vehicular mode was almost stolen three times during the ten > years he spent on Earth. Inferno: Try harder next time! > Loves basketball and baseball. Dekineticizer is > his favorite weapon used with his Optic Disruptor. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Balushina All: Bless you! > Codename: Roundhouse Blackarachnia: Long-lost sister of "Swift Knee". Others: Oof. > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 249 qa'rouum vorns (2,066,700 years) > Function: Negative Zero Security Quickstrike: Does she wear a red shirt? > Intended Function: Qa'rouum First Alert > Cybertronian Transformation: Alarm Inferno: And what a wonderful person to be greetwed with first thing in the morning. > Terran Transformation: Brown bear (Ursus arctos) Blackarachnia: With the dud forms these guys have, she should probably consider herself lucky that it's not a teddy bear. > Height: 19.8 feet (5.94 meters) > Weapons: Titanium dartshooter; her own claws in bear mode Inferno: Somone needs a manicure! > (prefers her claws) > If she were a human, she would be a(n): Black belt taekwondo/Security > guard Quickstrike: So she'd be a fat martial artist with a taste for donuts? > "Sacrifice is the path to perfection." Blackarachnia: Though dicipline helps. > Out of all the Zeros, Roundhouse desired to fight back the most. She > served as the Qa'rouum First Alert, the one who alerted the other > qa'rouum whenever the DemonRazors or other racists attacked. Blackarachnia: So they all had time to stick their heads in the sand. > Her anger > burnt the brightest, and it took Eleven's strongest guards to restrain > her during an attack. She has two sisters, but their whereabouts are a > mystery. Inferno: They ran away at the first sign of fic! Quickstrike: They got a proper job. > They were qa'rouum who defected possibly to another cult, or to > the Robots of Conquest by Deception (Decepticons). Blackarachnia: Must... not.. riff... stupid authour re-writing history... > Roundhouse uses new > experimental Pretender technology, tentatively called Maximum Animal-Robot > Pretender Bonding, or Maximal for short. Blackarachnia: Of course, why they'd test new tech on a member of a normally hated religous cult is beyond me... > Her transformation is flawed, Quickstrike: These tech specs are pretty flawed! > but > she knew that there was a significant chance that it would be, since the > technology is relatively new. The project was begun by Former Decepticon > Commander Scorponok and was reintroduced by the DemonRazors and qa'rouum. Blackarachnia: There you go. My bad. Of course, this proves that the qa'room are, of course, right... > Is perfectionist. Never leaves a job halfway done, or even 99%-way done. > As a bear on Earth, listened to humans at campfires. Inferno: As well as breaking into their tents and eating their food. > Once spotted walking > around in a densely populated human habitat. Returned a lost human infant > to his parents and was shot for it All: Horray! Inferno: At least someone in this fic has taste. > (the bullets only slightly dented her > wescorium). Enjoys studying Decepticon combat techniques. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Karinah > Codename: Acid Rain All: Yech! > (Picture of "Acid Rain" by aklira@hotmail.com.) Blackarachnia: For once, I am glad that this is a text file... > Age (as of 3/22/2013): 234 qa'rouum vorns (1,942,200 years) Inferno: She's probably an underaged drinker. > Function: Quickstrike: Pain in the keister. > Subterfuge > Intended Function: Blackarachnia: Plot device. > Decepticon Micromaster Mechanic > Cybertronian Transformation: Decepticon Assembly Line Checkpoint Blackarachnia: I've riffed that one to death. See my earlier point. > Terran Transformation: Black and red Foundation Circle F skateboard/ > head of Decepticon Hotwire Inferno: And Deux Ex Machine. Blackarachnia: Deux Ex Machine is a copyright of Alica Ashby I think... > Height: 7.58 feet (2.28 meters) Quickstrike: finally setled on a height, I see... > Weapons: "Acid Field" emisson; hydrosulfuric acid bombs, her cleverness > (she claims) All: [Burst out laughing] Blackarachnia: And plot contrivance powers! > If she were a human, then she would be a(n): Girl on the all-boy > wrestling team Blackarachnia: As if. She'd be a whiny pre-teen brat. > "When life hands you a lemon, Inferno: Riff it to all hell. > eat the bitterness and don't add any sugar." Inferno: Mmmm! Sugar! > Acid Rain was among the last of the Decepticon Micromasters. Her breed > was ordered to be destroyed, since they were ineffective in obtaining fuel > from the humans (and some lost to the Neo-Knights on Earth). Quickstrike: How embarrasing. Beaten by squishies. > Acid Rain and > Blackjack both escaped the fate, but they were fugitives for many > (Cybertronian) vorns. Blackarachnia: Many Cybertronian Vorns... Now, a Vorn is 8.3 years. So "many" would be a considerable number... And if it's any more than three, it means that micromasters were ordered to be terminated *before* they were created. Do yoiur maths next time! > Even the Autobots on Cybertron would not help them. Blackarachnia: That's pretty OOC. Quickstrike: The entire universe is OOC in this series! > She and Blackjack came upon Scorponok's plans for a Inferno: Fast food chain to beat all fast food chains! > Triple-Headmaster, like > Fortress Maximus. Acid Rain was then engineered to be the human component, > and she was tertiary-bonded to Hotwire and Trypticon. Inferno: I bet that if Tryppy had a say in the matter he wouldn't have been pleased. > The Decepticons soon > found her and Blackjack, and just before they were executed, Eleven found > them and destroyed the executioners. Quickstrike: Couldn't he have waited just a little bit longer? > Blackjack had escaped to somewhere else, > and Acid Rain followed Eleven in Trypticon as he went to revive Negative Zero, > who had been dormant in their Terran forms for ten years. There, she convinced > Eleven to let her join the team. Inferno: She threatened to whine until he did. > Has problem with faith. Admires Decepticon Commander Megatron. Blackarachnia: Lesson 1 - Be nice to your boss if he has a big gun. > Dislikes most Autobots except Bumblebee. Loves danger. > Not easily frustrated. Thinks by the second. Blackarachnia: No more burning rubber jokes. Quickstrike: Well, you can hear the hamster wheel squeeking. > Very, very sneaky. Loves life. Inferno: Hates us, clearly. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Name: Syd'yania Adraxia K'ah Shibah 7-G Blackarachnia [Seven]: But you can call me Dot. > Codename: Seven > Age: 360 qa'rouum vorns (2,988,000 years) + 1.5 million years in creation > Function: Qa'rouum High Priest Quicktrike: The big cheese. The head honcho. The cheif muckamuck. > Intended Function: Qa'rouum inia-noanai (Second Priest) Blackarachnia: Second fiddle. > Cybertronian Transformation: Electromagnetic Force Field Generator > Terran Transformation: White Washburn XS-4 electric bass guitar All: [Burst out laughing] Blackarachnia: OK. That one takes the cake in the dumb stakes. > Height: 24.9 feet (7.47 meters) > Weapons: Arm-mounted laser bow Inferno: My guns nicer than that. > If she were a human, she would be a(n): Ballet dancer/Pianist Blackarachnia: With a put-on posh accent, no doubt. > "[Translated] Power is only as strong as the one who wields it." Blackarachnia: Very phillisophical. Inferno: I'm bored. When do we eat? > Quite possibly the most loyal qa'rouum, Seven is not a direct member of > Negative Zero. Blackarachnia: So why the Earth-Mode transformation there? Hello? > She was against the concept, but she trusts that her > brother's judgement is correct. Quickstrike: Well that worked, didn't it? > It was up to her to explain to the > remaining Cybertronian qa'rouum what had happened to Eleven and his nine > Chosen. Blackarachnia [Seven]: They've gone down to the shops. They'll be back soon. Really. > She devised creative excuses, but soon she will no longer have to > hide, as Negative Zero's arrival on Cybertron is imminent. Inferno: Whoopdy-slag. > Seven does not > speak any spoken language; her vocal box and systems were removed shortly > after her creation. She speaks only pure Soria, which is acoustical > mathematics (music). Blackarachnia: Notice how anything associated with the qa'room is allways a good thing, like music, philosiphy, pacifisim etc. Whereas everyone else in the universe is evil, violent, corrupt, etc. > When she must give speeches in public, she must have a translator. Inferno: Who only has a lousy phrasebook. Blackarachnia: Maybe that's why they're so universilly despised. A mis- translation of a public speich by the big cheese... > It is qa'rouum tradition that any female related to the High > Priest must speak the purified language. Blackarachnia [Mutterd]: Sexist bollocks. > The only one to have ever heard > her voice is her twin brother and Negative Zero Commander Eleven, with > whom she shares a telepathic link. Very pensive (due to the language > barrier). Well respected. Inferno: By other whackos, no doubt. Blackarachnia: [Coughs loudly] > Very impulsive at times. Worries very much about her brother. Quickstrike: Lady, i would too. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > If you liked "The Negative Zero Universe" by Christopher Jones, Inferno: Seek professional help. > e-mail him. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Back All: Hooray! No more Negztive Zero Ever! [They all get up and leave] [Door 1 - A vault door. It's unlockled] [Door 2 - A revolving door. You go round a few times then proceed] [Door 3 - An elevator door. You push the button and it opens] [Door 4 - A garage door. You blip it with the remote, then open it manually when that fails] [Door 5 - It's a Catflap. You crawl through it] [SoP bridge] Quicstrike: Well, that... was. Blackarachnia: That was some of the worst rubbish I have ever been forced to sit through! I just wonder what he was thinking about when he wrote it. Inferno: Um.... Nothing? Blackarachnia: Quite possibly. Inferno: Still.. we've got some stuff now to take our minds off it. Quickstrike: I wonder who sent it... Blackarachnia: See if there's anything else in it that you missed... [Quickstrike walks over to the pod and rummages trough it] Quickstrike: Only another note. Blackarachnia: Who's it from? Quicstrike: It's from a Michael R. Wells. And he says... > To Rick R. Mortis, [They all shrug] > This is Mitch, the author of "Sailor Brittney". I've read your > MSTing of "Negative Zero: Immigration". It was good. I love the idea of > Blackaracnia, Quickstrike, and Inferno on a sattalite. Inferno: We're not to fond of it ourselves. > It was great to > see Blackaracnia argue with all the inacuarces and continunity errors in > that story. Blackarachnia: I try. > I do have a complant. I don't think you know the origins of the > Go-Bots (of course, neither did the original author). I don't know all > the details myself, but I've heard from authorized sources that the > Go-Bots are NOT robots, at least not compleatly. They were originaly a > race of huminoids who put their organic brains in mechanical bodies. Blackarachnia: I didn't know that. Thanks. Of course, I'd love to know how that fits in with his International Quintesson Conspiracy. > You > are right in thinking that their BODIES are mechanical and not NATURALLY > robotic like the Transformers. > Well, thanks for the attention and keep up the good work. > Mitch Inferno: Thanks! Good to see that somone appreciates us. Quickstrike: But I don't think he sent the pod... [The console beeps] Inferno: Speaking of our fans... [Blackarachnia turns on the console. Galvatron and Megastorm appear, as allways, grinning like idiots.] Glavatron: Well, hi there, worms. Feeling ready to bow down before my magnificence? Those tech specs should have reduced you all to mindless sushi! Am I right or am I right? Blackarachnia: Actually, no. Galvatron: What?! Blackarachnia: Annoyed, but not mad. That was basically a mess of incoherent drivel. It wasn't even as bad as the fic itself, which was dangerously dull. Inferno: Yeah. It was just the authour putting any old rubbish on a page. It was so self-promoting and contradictory as to be funny. Quickstrike: Yeah. It was in the "bad" catagory, not the "maddening". You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that. Galvatron: And indeed I shall, my little pets. Blackarachnia: Great going, Quickstrike. Inferno: Yeah. Thanks, Two-heads. Galvatron: Oh, I've found some material that I'm sure you will enjoy. But for now... push the button, Megastorm! Megastorm: Sure thing, boss! [Pushes the button] [The screen goes black] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Riffed by: Rick R. Mortis (rickr@one.net.au) Blackarachnia, Inferno and Quickstrike are copyright 1995-1998 Hasbro/Kenner. Galvatron and Megastorm are copyright 1996-1998 Tankara. Rick's Mecha Madness Page: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/7194/index.htm AntiKevs, Mekton Z conversions, fanfic drinking game, the one and only Common Sense Timeline, crazy Fighters' Anthology .lib and missions, and Utterly Disturbing Nova Satori Shrine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Happy, yet sad.