Warning: This MiSTing is rated Fanfic-MA for adult situations in the fic, characters acting out of character, as well as a few naughty riffs. Mystery Science Theater Online episode 102: P.O.W: Gadget and Monterey by Gregory Scott. Riffing by: Karmacide - Karmacide@aol.com with a bit of help from Alicia Ashby - lynxara@hotmail.com Host Segments by: Jamas Enright - Jamas.Enright@vuw.ac.nz Editing by Alicia Ashby- lynxara@hotmail.com Continuity Setting: Some time in between Seasons 2 and 5... Legal Stuff: Gadget and Monty are property of Disney, MST3k Is property of Best Brains, and the Pictures of Word (P.o.W) series is property of Splut. This fic is property of Gregory Scott. Greg, this is just a piece of humorous criticism and commentary, and is not meant to be taken personally. [The Satellite of Love. Joel, Crow and Tom are on screen, but Joel is wearing a gold net on his head, gold gloves and a gold beak, Tom has a brown wig on and a red jumpsuit, and Crow has a red box on his chest, a globe in his headnet, and a black and white metal skirt on. Tom is in the middle, Joel on the left and Crow on the right.] TOM: Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm your host, Joel Robinson, and these are my two 'bots, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. CROW: I'm just saying, Joel, that my underwear collection has no rivals. JOEL: Yeah, like anyone would want to have an underwear collection. TOM: Hey, er, I mean: Now, you guys, Tom's underwear collection is something to be proud of. CROW: Something a jerk would be proud of. TOM: Hey, you're breaking character. CROW: Well, I mean, come on. Who in their right mind would ever want to collect underwear? TOM: Wahh! Joel, make him stop. JOEL: Guys, this is supposed to be fun, not a chance to snipe at each other. CROW: Like we ever do anything else. Nice idea Joel. Reminds me of the time you made up dress up as farm animals. JOEL: Now, that was a good idea. TOM: No, I'm with Crow on that one. it was just lame. JOEL: We'll be right back. Guys, that was not lame! [Commercials.] [SOL. Everyone is dressed normally and in their normal positions. But they're still fighting.] CROW: And what about the time you tried to force us to clean the Load Pan Bay? That wasn't nice either. JOEL: Now that's something that you still have to do. CROW: I know. But it wasn't nice. TOM: Great, it's Mrs Sowerberry and Noah Claypole. [Deep 13. Doctor Forrester smiles evilly. Frank is just standing there humming to himself.] DR F: Greetings, Joel. Always nice to see you and your little friends getting on so well. I have something really good for my Invention Interchange...but I'll let you go first. [SOL.] JOEL: Challange accepted. We present: ALL: The Grandpa Simpson Fax Machine! [Joel holds up a device. It's a waffle iron attached to a phone.] CROW: Now you can have great tasting waffles while your friends are waffling! TOM: I said we shouldn't have done that joke. [DEEP 13. Tight shot of Doctor Forrester.] DR F: Yes, well.. as always Joel, my invention is far better than yours. As you know, many times explanations can be made clearer by a good analogy, like a... anyway, I give you: The Analogizer! Now I've already fitted Frank up with one, so we'll see how it works. [Shot pulls back to show Frank standing there with the helmet on his head, and a blank expression on his face.] DR F: Now, let's say you're looking for a good way to explain how the sun rises each morning. Take it away, Frank. FRANK: Think of an orange circling around a basketball, like a moth going around a lamp, and put yourself on one part of the orange, like a pin being stuck in a piece of paper, then look at the basketball, as if watching someone come around a corner, then as the orange circles around the basketball, like a cow around a tornado, the basketball will rise up over the orange, like a tree growing out of the ground... DR F: Unfortunately, I haven't figured out a way of switching it off yet. Oh well. Anyway, Pound Puppies, your story today is an exciting tale of Cheese Whiz. And it's just as stinky. Eat up! [SOL. All lights a go-go.] ALL: We got the crappy sign! [[ Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow enter the theater in their usual manner.]] >8-7-98(Quick note: this is before Gadget has ever had sex with Chip or >Dale.) Joel: Eww... Tom: Well, there goes any chances this fic ever had of appearing at the DAFT, The Internet Gadget Archive, or Julie's Rescue Ranger Page. Face it, guys, this fic is heading straight to hell. >Gadget was in her room tinkering with some little toys she had on her >desk. Crow: Oh, a pun! I get it. Ya know, Tinker... Toys... Ha ha ha... get it? Tom: That was lame, Crow. Crow: Hey, I'm working with what little material I've got here. >Her little inventions of vibrators and other miscelaneous sex >toys were begining to lose their fun. Crow: Wow... I didn't know they made sex toys that small. Joel: Amazing! We're only two sentences into this fic, and I'm already grossed out. Tom: What would Gadget make sex toys out of, anyway? Those little wind-up motors that they put in chattering teeth? Crow: And twist ties. I'm thinking a lot of twist ties. Joel: Guys, think about what you're discussing. [The bots ponder a moment, shudder, and then continue the fanfic.] >She thought that >maybe confessing her lust to Chip and Dale would make sex a fun >experienceagain. Tom: Wow, so the reason that Gadget has never attempted to seek a relationship with Chip or Dale is that in all of her years Gadget has never once considered the possibility that she might be able to improve her sex life by simply having a partner. *Brilliant*! Simply *brilliant*! >As she sat and thought, she looked at a long, thin tube that was >connected to one of her toys. Tom: Hmmm... I bet that started life as a swizzle stick. Or maybe a drinking straw, depending... Joel: Tom! What's gotten into you? Tom: Sorry, sorry, just trying to keep from thinking about the story. >Her eyes widened and a smile appeared >from ear to ear. Crow: Warning! Warning! We've got lemon content ahead! >She pulled the tube off and ran for the kitchen. In >the refrigerator, she pulled out the cheeze whiz. She returned to her >room and went to work. Joel: Cheese Whiz? Why would is Gadget go off getting a snack in the middle of a lemon? Unless.. All three: MONTY! NOOOO!! >First, she connected the tube to the end of the cheeze whiz and taped >it on. Next, she bent the tube at the end so it would point backwards >and inserted it between her legs. Joel: Wow, this fic reads like a how-to guide. Crow: Ew, then how did the author know so much about this? [Everyone shudders] >She took her clothes off and was now completely nude. Joel: As opposed to taking off your clothes and then being fully clad. Crow : Oh, silly me, I was supposed to take off my clothes and *then* insert the tube! Golly, now I've got Cheese Whiz all over my jumpsuit! Tom: Uh Crow, what I think you meant to say was that she got Cheese Whiz all over her pair of overalls. Crow: No, it's a jumpsuit. Tom: It's a pair of overalls! Crow: Jumpsuit! Tom: Overalls! [[Tom and Crow start making those high pitched noises that Chip and Dale make when they argue.]] Joel: Guys... C'mon, making those sounds isn't going to make this go any faster. Crow: Oh all right... Tom: Sorry... >She pushed the >nozzle of the cheeze whiz so some of it would seep out. Crow: That's a rather odd choice for a lubricant. Joel: Not really, when you think about it. Cheese Whiz contains such a high level of preservatives that it actually could have spermicidal properties. Tom: I had no idea... Joel: Well, it just goes to show you guys, lemons can be fun AND educational. Crow: Not that any of those properties apply to this lemon. >Chip, Dale and >Zipper were gone on a small mission, and the only one there wasMonterey. Joel: You have to admit, it's at least a *creative* set-up for oral sex. Tom: Yes... impractical, highly unsanitary, and in many ways profoundly evil... but creative. >She went into the front room and sat on the couch with her legs wide >open. Crow: Wow, Gadget's let herself get one hell of an STD! Must've been sleeping around with Pinky again. Joel: Somebody's cruising for a time out, little man. >She took her finger and spread some of the cheese around, so the >smell would be a little stronger. Crow: So, I guess this means that Gadget's a Packers fan. Tom: Huh? Crow: Ya know, she likes Cheese-heads... Joel: Crow! >She called his name, and he came out of his room. All: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... >Just like clockwork, >he flipped out when he smelled the cheese and headed straight for thesent. Joel : Cha-eeeee-zzzz. Crow : C-asual Sss-eeeee-xxxx. >He lunged towards her and threw his mouth where the cheese was and >licked it completely clean. Joel: You know, there's a 'head cheese' joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to tastefully get to it. >He knew that there was more inside, so he >picked her up by the legs and held her upside down as he jammed his >tounge inside to get to what he could. Tom: And I thought that "The Shadow Warrior" was a disgusting misuse of beloved cartoon characters... Crow: This from the guy who asks Meghan Brunner to write more adult-themed stories about Gadget and Caprice? Tom: Hey... how did you... Well, Mr. Crow T. Robot, I know all about your hyper-link to Scribble and Scrabble's Fur-rotic Art Page! Crow: Uh... it's only for the "Why Chip Snapped" series, honest... >Gadget was having the time of her life. Never before has she felt >anything like this. Joel: Never before has she been written in anything like this! Tom: And we can only pray to the fanfic gods that it never happens again. >He was going DEEP inside her. Crow: As in, Deep 13? Joel [clutching stomach]: *Crow*... >And being in the >position she was in, is was enhancing the sensation. He was pulling >her legs apart pretty hard to make it easier to get what he wanted, Tom: Oh, I get it! It's erotic because she's in pain! >and he kept sticking his tounge in and out faster and harder to get as >much as possible. Joel: It's scenes like this that make me long for the quite subtlety of "9 1/2 Chipmunks." Tom: That certainly says a lot, Joel. >The time she had been waiting for was almost here. She squeezed the >can as hard as she could to get as much out as possible, Crow: What, so she had the tube and Monty in there at the same time? Joel: I believe Mr. Scott is under the impression that the female... er, *opening*... is much like the medieval Leviathan. Tom: And logically, wouldn't a can of Cheese Whiz be about twice as big as Gadget herself? Crow: Well, with all the powerlifting Gadget's been doing lately, I could see how she could carry that around. >and Monterey >responded by moving faster. She finally came and dropped the can and >grabbed his arms, but he kept going to get the remaining cheese. Joel: She was holding the can? Gadget must be built like Chyna or Kuwani in this fic. [Everyone shudders again] >Gadget was done, but there was no stopping him. Tom: The unstoppable force meets the already-moved object. >It was begining to >hurt, but he just kept going. There was nothing she could do. Crow: Well, Gadget now knows how we feel. This fic had us hurting a long time ago, and it just kept going, on and on... ARGGGHHH!!!! Joel: Relax, Crow. Hang in there. It's almost over. >The can was still dangling from the tube, so she grabbed it and pulled >the end off. She then started squirting the cheese all over her >breasts and stomach. Crow: Wow! Think about how big the nozzle is! She must've totally blanketed herself in it! Joel: Cheese Whiz also has well-known insulating properties. >Monterey put her on the floor and began eating >the rest of the cheese. Tom: Say... that's not Cheese Whiz, that's Easy Cheese! Get it? Ha ha ha... Crow: That was really sad, Tom. Tom: So is the social life of who ever wrote this story, I'd imagine. >She was now relaxed. Crow : Nothing like using a close friend for cheap sexual gratification to work that tension right away! >Her eyes were closed and she just laid there as >he licked away. After all this eating, she knew that he would probably >just go to sleep and not remember a thing when he wakes up. Joel: That's a fairly logical plan. Except for when Monty wakes up several hours later, wondering why his face is covered in... well, you know. Crow : The strangest thing happened last night Gadget luv. I dreamed I was President Clinton at a chease eating contest! Tom: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'd rather see Gadget Hackwrench get eaten by a cat than be subject to another degrading lemon like this one. Crow: Hmmm... ya know, Gadget getting *eaten* by a cat probably would make a good subject for a lemon... if ya know what I mean. Joel: Crow! [sighs] Let's get out of here, guys... [Crow walks out of the theater. Joel picks up Tom and follows him.] CROW: I need to take a shower. TOM: Why, Joel, why? JOEL: Some people just can't stop themselves from doing things like that. TOM: Well, they should! In fact, there should be a support group we can report them to. [Lights suddenly dim. Then Joel appears in a spot light.] JOEL: Are you an erotica writer? Do you feel the urge to write tales of sex involving characters from Disney cartoons? Then call our hotline and we'll send someone around to slap you silly. CROW: But I just had an idea about Chip, Gadget, and the Rescue Rangers airplane! JOEL: Then we're here to stop you. Right now, someone is coming here to tie you up and force you to watch Barney. TOM: But I have a tale that's so moving, even CDA commitee would be moved to tears. JOEL: Does it involve romance? TOM: Well, Dale and Monty- JOEL: Say no more! We're here to do what's right. And if you know someone who's suffering from impulses to write any kind of Chip and Dale Rescue Ranger erotica stories, then narc on them immediately! [Lights return to normal.] CROW: Well, I feel better now. But hey, why stop there? Why not report anyone who writes erotica? TOM: Or anyone who writes cartoon fanfiction. CROW: Yeah, anyone who writes any kind of fiction whatsoever? JOEL: Gee, why don't you just ban all writing while you're at it? TOM: That would mean no Stephen King! ALL: WOO HOO! JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [Deep 13.] FRANK: ...like a tube of toothpaste squeezed in the middle... DR F: Will you please shut up? FRANK: ...think of a jelly roll, you take a bite of one end, and out the other end.. DR F: *sigh* Once again, I'm going to have to kill you. Say goodnight, Frank. FRANK: Goodnight! which then plops on the floor... [Doctor Forrester raises a large hammer, swings it back to get a good hit in, and knocks the button.] \ | / \ | / ---O--- / | \ / | \ [*SMACK!*] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Stinger... "She thought that maybe confessing her lust to Chip and Dale would make sex a fun experienceagain."