"Team Ranma vs. The Seven Seishi of Suzaku" MSTed by Kuanna Hello fellow MST-lovers! This is my first MSTing, so please don't be too harsh in judging it. Today's 'treat' is an almost decent crossover, so Mike and the 'bots won't suffer TOO much this time around. Standard disclaimer: Mystery Science Theatre is the property of Best Brains Inc., and I hope they don't mind my using their characters and settings. Any anime characters I make mention of are the property of their respective owners. The fanfic itself belongs to David Myers. In advance, Dave, I'd like to tell you this is all in good fun. I'm not trying to insult your work, I'm just hoping to give everyone a good laugh. If anybody finds something wrong with this MSTing and would like to talk to me about it, I can be reached at 12751,3543@compuserve.com Now on with the fun! (The scene opens on the control room of the Satellite of Love. Mike and the 'bots are seated at a large table, on which rests a game of Monopoly in full swing. Crow is happily leaning over the 'bank', eyeing the multi-coloured bills with a hungry look.) MIKE:(looking up) Hello there! We're just indulging in a friendly game and... TOM:Hey, I saw that! Put that 500 back, Crow! CROW:It was a donation from the Crow T. Robot Fan Club. It's mine by right, just check the book. TOM:(flips through the rule book) There's nothing about donations in here! CROW:Then it's not against the rules, right? Oh look, a donation of another 500 to me! How nice! TOM:(snarls) Oh yeah? Well, I win the Nobel Prize and collect $1000. So there! CROW:(snickers) Nobel Prize? For what, conceit? (Anarchy ensues as the two robots start fighting, sending game pieces and paper money flying across the room) MIKE:(groans) Did I say 'friendly game'? I take it back. (The red MAD light starts flashing). MIKE: Hold that thought, Calvin and Hobbes are calling. (pushes button) (DEEP 13) (Doctor Forrester is busy wiping some kind of yellow juice from his green lab coat, mumbling to himself. t.v.'s FRANK can be seen sitting behind him, with a particularly spaced-out look in his eyes. The same juice is slowly dripping down his chin onto the floor, as he giggles happily). DR.F: Ah, there you are Nelson. And how are my favourite halpless victims doing today? ALL: (monotone) Fine, Dr.F DR.F: I know I usually let you go first with the invention exchange, but since I know that mine's better I'll let you wallow in the wake of its glory. Frank, bring it here. (Seeing that his assistant is lost in a world all his own, the evil doctor shrugs, and lifts a large melon for Mike and the 'bots to see. It is coloured a bright, cheerful yellow, with pink streaks stretching across its broad surface.) (SOL) TOM: (flat voice)Oh look, a melon. Scary. MIKE: Really, Dr.F, is this the only thing you could come up with? (DEEP 13) DR.F: Ah, but this is no ordinary fruit. You see, or even if you don't, I've been trying this new genetic engineering technology. This is a Zonga melon. Its juice contains special chemicals that stimulate the endorphin levels of the brain - similar to morphine, but much more potent. Best of all, the Zonga melon is perfectly nutritionally balanced and non- fattening,and has none of the negative side effects generally associated with narcotics. It grows in even the harshest of earth conditions, and requires minimum human maintenance. Soon all of Earth will be too zonked out of its mind to resist me, and I'll take over the world! Ha, what do you think of that? (SOL) (All three are silent for a long moment) MIKE: Dr.F ... You've done it! (DEEP 13) DR.F: Yes, I know I'm - huh? (SOL) MIKE: Don't you realize what this means? TOM: This melon of yours could solve all of Earth's food shortage problems! Millions of lives could be saved! CROW:And all wars and conflict would stop, since everyone would be too blissed out to fight. Everyone would just grow and collect melons, and spend the rest of their lives in complete pleasure. MIKE: It'd be like paradise all over again! (singing) Happy, happy, joy, joy! (DEEP 13) (Dr. Forrester's face has turned quite pale.) DR.F: What have I done? Frank, take these melons away and burn them! I'll delete the gene structure required to grow them as soon as... Frank! (FRANK is still in a daze, clutching a half-eaten Zonga melon. Dr. Forrester grabs his shoulders and shakes him violently.) DR.F: Frank, snap out of it! FRANK! FRANK:(shakes his head slowly) Huh? Is that you, Scully? DR.F: (sighs, then looks back at the screen) Alright, Nelson, let's see what pitiful device you've managed to scrap together this time. (SOL) MIKE: (Grunts as he pulls forward an impressive, oven-sized machine. It's made of a sleek black metal with a glowing red light in one side. The whole thing is topped by a silvery dome, below which is a metal slot and a small computer screen that looks suspiciously like a spare part from a pocket calculator.) This is the Crossover Compatibility Determinator, or C.C.D. for short. You simply write the names of the series you want to merge on a paper and insert it into this slot. The C.C.D. then runs them through the realm of good taste and sees how well they would fit together, rating their compatibility on a scale of 0 to 10. I figure if every fanfic writer had one of these, we could have avoided most of the painful crossovers you've forced us to sit through. TOM: Like "Dirty Moon". CROW: Or, shall we ever forget, "Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick." (DEEP 13) DR.F: (frowns) Of course I can't let this device become common knowledge - then where would I get hideous crossovers to torment you with? No, that machine must never leave the Satellite. (SOL) MIKE: (clearly disappointed) Even so, how about a demonstration? (inserts paper) I'll just slip in "Ranma/Urusei Yatsura" and let's roll! (pushes button) (There is a pause, then the red light starts flashing at an alarming speed. The C.C.D. emits a hgih-pitched mechanical shriek as a shower of sparks erupts from the dome. Mike and the two robots duck for cover as the whole thing starts pulsating a bright scarlet. Suddenly there is a snapping sound, and the machine splutters and shuts down.) (Mike picks up a broom and nervously pokes the C.C.D. Seeing no reaction, he steps forward and yanks the paper out of the slot.) MIKE: Alright, who wrote in "Dragonball/Star Wars"? CROW: I was just curious! (DEEP 13) DR.F: Well, I can see I was worried over nothing. (grins evilly) Now that you mention blatantly inappropriate crossovers, though, you've just reminded me of a little something I picked up a while back. It's a Ranma/Fushigi Yuugi merger! (SOL) CROW: Ugh, I wouldn't give that over a 3. Great one, Mike! TOM: Yeah, thanks a lot Mike! MIKE: (plaintively) At least it isn't Sailor Moon... (DEEP 13) DR.F: BWAHAHAHAHA! Send them the 'fic, Frank! FRANK: (momentarily snaps out of his Zonga-induced bliss) Sure thing, Dr.F! (pushes button) (SOL) (Sirens start wailing) ALL: AHHHH! WE'VE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN! (Insert door sequence here as the three enter the theatre. MIKE places TOM on the seat beside him while CROW takes the one on his other side). Format: LATIN-1 TOM: What gives? I thought this 'fic was supposed to be written in English! MIKE: You can never tell with Dr.F's experiments. Name: ranma.fy.team-ranma-vs-7-seishi.txt From: David Myers MIKE: You writing this down, guys? Now we know where to strike. "Team Ranma vs. The Seven Seishi of Suzaku" MIKE: Snow White vs. the Seven Dwarves? TOM: Spy vs. Spy? CROW: Sailor Moon vs. the WWF! (ALL shudder) A Ranma Fushigi Yuugi fanfic By David Myers Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi created by Watase Yuu, Ranma created by Rumiko Takahashi. All characters belong to them and I don't want to infringe upon anyone's rights. MIKE: Too bad, you just did. Get the 'cuffs, Hodge. CROW: Heewack, copyright infringement, thas' an eight year minimum jail term, ain't it Bo? Fushigi Yuugi is the story about a girl who gathered the seven Seishi of Suzaku and gained omnipotent power. MIKE: Which she then squandered on Sailor Moon stickers. The Story itself is an incantation; those who finish reading it will receive this power. As soon as the page is turned the story will become the truth and begin. Ranma 1/2 is the story about a boy that turns into a girl. A father that changes into a Panda and the curse that did it to them. Ying and Yang was never so much fun. CROW: Which is more than we can say for this fanfic. MIKE: Give it a chance, Crow. It hasn't even started yet. Authors Note: Apologies to those of you that have not seen FY but frankly an explanation of the series could end up taking longer than this story.Its kind of a "Never-ending Story" meets "Once Upon a Time in China" MIKE: (singing) Never-ending story! Ahh-a ahh-a ahh-a.... CROW: Which was a pretty good movie, if you don't count those god-awful sequels. TOM: (snickers) How about that, Mike? Crow liked the "Never-ending Story". MIKE: We always knew that beneath that hardened exterior, you were just an old softie, Crow! CROW: (sulks) Put simply Miaka a high school student finds a book which transport her to a world resembling ancient China. There she adopts the role of Suzaku no Miko a priestess with the power to summon a god of that world, Suzaku. TOM: Is it just me, or could those last two sentences use a few more commas? MIKE: Let it go, Servo, let it go. She can do this by gathering the seven Seishi of Suzaku. Seven warriors who each posses different skills and abilities. CROW: For example, the ability to turn water into cheese curds. Yui her best friend is also duped into becoming Miaka's enemy Seiryuu no miko. She too has seven Seishi. MIKE: What, do they hand out Seishi in crackerjack boxes now? CROW: Hey kids! Be the first on your block to collect all fourteen Seishi!All you have to do is eat an obscene amount of teeth- rotting sugared breakfast cereal! TOM: Well, that would explain how Miaka got hers. I'll try to keep spoilers to a minimum. This fanfic wont have as much comedy as I would like, but if all goes to plan, it should have quite a bit of fighting and plenty of action so I consider that an acceptable tradeoff. MIKE: See? He meant well. CROW: Let's just hope the 'action' isn't the same kind that Oscar promised us in "Black Days". MIKE: Never mention that abomination again, Crow! For the benefit of FY fans: This story takes place after Miaka and Yui have returned to their own world. I've only seen up to episode 28 but in my story this is what has occurred since episode 28. Miaka and Yui have made up and returned to their world. TOM: (author) Using a plot contrivance that I'm too lazy to make up! Anyone who may have died has somehow been resurrected. Tamahome is still in the World of the Four Gods as are all the other Seishi. MIKE: The Four Gods: George Lucas, Dave Sim, John Cleese, and Masamune Shirow. BOTS: Amen to that! Yui and Miaka both passed their entrance exams and are proud students of Jonan Academy.Anyway here we go... ALL: (monotone) Yaaaay... ***************************************************** CROW: Look, Mike, it's the constellation Serpentis! MIKE: And here I thought it was a snowstorm, as usual. CROW: Well, it's a Fushigi Yuugi 'fic. You've got to adapt to the style. Chapter 1 Hikaru Gosunkugi looked at the scroll in his hands with awe and wonder. "The scroll of summoning you say?" He asked the cursed antique dealer. MIKE: The dealer's cursed? TOM: Well what do you expect, you pass around a dozen evil swords, maybe a black mirror or two, a talking Barney doll, and we'll see if you're in the best of health! "Yeah, Ancient Chinese said it had the power to summon some kind of ultimate warrior from another world, or some darn thing.Not that I believe in the whole darn story, but once summoned this warriors suppose to fulfill your wishes. Sounds like an old wives tale if you ask me, but that's what they say." "Fulfill my wishes. Hmmm how much?" CROW: Well, it can only go halfway on that Akane fantasy of yours. You know, the one in which she shows up naked in your bedroom and... MIKE: Crow, that's more than enough. "I'm not saying I believe in the whole darn thing, but I'm not sure I should sell it to you. After all, that thing could be dangerous. Lord knows that stupid egg was no end of trouble. Maybe it would be best if we kept it here." The cursed antique dealer protested. "Oh... well if you think that's what's best." Gosunkugi replied clearly disappointed. MIKE: (Gosunkugi) Now I'll never be able to stop wetting my bed. TOM: (ditto) Now I'll never be able to de-bug my Windows '95! CROW: (ditto) Rats, now I'll never get Akane to *play* with me instead of Ukkyo. MIKE: Crow! CROW: Bite me, Nelson! "On the other hand. Its not like I get that many customers in. What's more I haven't made a sale in quite some time. Oh what harm could it do... 2000 Yen!" TOM: (dealer) Yes, it's perfectly okay to sell cursed items of awesome destructive power to idiots. No problem there! "Great!" The student exclaimed and quickly paid the cursed antique dealer and hurried out of the store. Gosunkugi sat on the floor surrounded by candles, which were the only source of illumination in his dark bedroom. He sat cross-legged in the middle of a circle, made out of white chalk, reading the scroll. CROW:(Gosunkugi, sounding out words): You...may..already...have...won... a million dollars. "At last... at last I can have my revenge against Ranma Saotome. With this ultimate warrior, from the other world, I can eliminate him from the competition and make Akane Tendo mine." He smiled somewhat insanely at the thought and turned back to the scroll. CROW: Yep, I think it's about time ol'Gosunkugi checked himself into an asylum. MIKE: Him and the rest of the Ranma 1/2 cast. "Hmm so all I do is read these words and he'll come forth. O.K then." TOM: So the scroll came with an instruction manual?! MIKE: Just smile and nod, Tom. Gosunkugi cleared his throat. "By the way and the mind, from the world of the Four Gods from the Four Empires I call you. From the seven who are found by one to summon one, whose destiny has been preordained by the stars I call to you, to come forth and be made flesh! Come forth!" CROW:(Don Genosai) Abra kadabra Abrahm! Abra kadabra Abrahm! (MIKE&TOM give him a very weird look) He stopped and looked around. That was it he'd spoken the words. If anything were going to happen it would happen now. Seconds passed, and after what seemed an eternity Gosunkugi decided he'd been ripped off, again. MIKE: (Gosunkugi) Damn, I should've known! From now on, I'll stick to the Psychic Friends Network. But then a bright light began to shine from the scroll. The High School Student shuffled back somewhat fearfully, and the light became piercing. Blinded Gosunkugi TOM: Oh, silly me, I thought his first name was 'Hikaru', but now I can see it's 'Blinded'. MIKE: Lay off, Tom. The grammar's actually pretty good in this one. looked away unable to see anything as the doorway between worlds remained open and then it shut, leaving the room illuminated by a dull blue glow coming from a figure crouched over the scroll. He couldn't make the figure out, as it remained hunched over, electricity crackling over its body. All that was visible was a purple cape and long armored spikes coming from the figure's shoulders. MIKE: Ahhh! It's Zagato! TOM: No, no, Mike. Zagato has a black cape and while his armor is certainly *interesting*, it doesn't have any long spikes on the shoulders. CROW: Fanboy! The electricity subsided and the figure rose to its feet, its back to the would be warlock. It was wearing some kind of medieval helmet. The figure looked around for a second before it removed its helmet, revealing long flowing locks of blonde hair. He turned at this point and looked about the room before his eyes centered on Gosunkugi himself. He marveled at the man before him. Standing well over six feet tall, he was clearly a Gaijin. MIKE: An illegal immigrant? TOM: Better not let Newt Gingrinch find out about this. His face was smooth and handsome and his eyes were ice cold blue. He wore medieval armor and the afore mentioned purple cape. MIKE: Showing his complete lack of taste. If he was confused to his credit he didn't show it. "Where am I?" he asked in a soft smooth almost seductive voice. ALL: NOOOO! TOM: If this turns into a lemon, Mike, I just know my head'll explode. I can feel it! CROW: (pouts) I want lesbian sex scenes, not gay! "Who are you?" Gosunkugi coughed still unable to believe the scroll had actually worked. "I..I..I'm Hikaru Gosunkugi, I summoned you, from the other world. To fulfill my wish" "Other world?" The Gaijin asked. Gosunkugi started to say something, but the Blonde haired man held up his finger indicating silence and moved to the window. He parted the curtains and looked out onto the street. "The other world." He closed his eyes for a moment as if searching for something. CROW: A way out of this fanfic? After a few moments he opened them again and his left lip curled up into a half smile as he exclaimed "She's here!" MIKE: Paula Jones? TOM: One of the Spice Girls? CROW: (singing) If you wanna be my lover... "Who's here?" he asked, but instead of answering the Gaijin turned and knelt on one knee before him. TOM: (Gaijin) Your fly's undone! "I am Nakago. How may I fulfill your wish?" Gosunkugi felt a little awkward at this point. He knew what he wanted, but it was embarrassing to actually say it. TOM: (Gosunkugi)Well, my bed's right over there... MIKE: Now don't you start! "Well.. there's this girl..." "Girl?" Nakago asked MIKE: (Nakago) Yuck! Girls are icky! "Yeah Akane Tendo. Well she has a fiancÈe called Ranma Saotome. He's a really big martial artist around these parts. TOM: No, that's Genma. MIKE: I think he means 'big' as in famous, not as in girth. I was hoping you could take care of him so she would..." CROW: (Nakago, licking his lips) I'll really take care of him, baby! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) TOM: Crow, I'll tell Dr. F where you keep your stash of Playbots... CROW: No, don't do that! I'll be good! MIKE: Thanks, Tom. TOM: Any time, Mike. "Be free to go out with you." The large Gaijin finished. "Y.Y..Yeah." Gosunkugi stuttered. Nakago thought for a minute before rising to his feet. MIKE: (Nakago) Right foot first, THEN left foot. Or was it the other way around? Ah, crap! "Come let us meet this Saotome, so I may better get to know his strengths." "You mean you'll do it!" CROW: (Nakago) Naaah, I'm just pulling your leg. Of course I'll do it, you moron! Nakago nodded slowly. "O.K then, I'll take you to the Tendo Dojo." Gosunkugi ran to his door and opened it, courteously for his otherworldly guest. Nakago walked through the open door his lip once again curled into a smug half smile. MIKE: He just remembered he has an old cheeseburger stashed in his pocket. "Miaka you are going to have to stop falling asleep in English class." Yui scolded mockingly. MIKE: (Yui) Or you'll end up like Doctor Thinker! TOM: (Miaka) (gasp) I had no idea! Yui, I'm scared... MIKE: (Yui) Shhh, it's just a joke. It's okay. "It's not my fault that Hiroshi-sempai's class is so boring, Yui-chan" Miaka replied. CROW: (Miaka, whining) It's not my fault I have an attention span of five seconds. Waaah! "I think Kosaku-kun has his eye on you." Yui teased. CROW: (Yui) You said I was your one and only! MIKE: I should've known you'd find a way to mention lesbians... She immediately regretted it though as the usually cheerful Miaka fell sullen. Yui smiled somewhat apologetically. "Sorry Miaka. You still miss him a lot don't you." Miaka nodded despondently. CROW: (Miaka) I'm still not used to sleeping with another girl... MIKE: Crow... "Come on I'll treat you to some Okynomiyaki, I'm sure Ucchan's is still open." MIKE: Ucchan's? But isn't Ucchan's in the Ranmaverse? CROW: Apparently Miaka goes there regularly. Which means that... TOM: The 'normal world' of Fushigi Yuugi IS the Ranmaverse? ALL: ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH! "Really!" said Miaka suddenly excited. "You'll really treat me to some Okynomiyaki! Wai Wai Wai!" Yui laughed at her friend's quick change of mood. CROW: (Mr. Rogers) Can you say "Attention span of a gnat," boys and girls? Good, I knew you could! MIKE: Offering Miaka food is like inviting Ranma to a cat show. It's a recipe for instant disaster. She realised that most of it was cosmetic. However, it was still good to see her cheerful once more. Miaka had been like this a lot recently, the absence of her one true love, protector and Seishi Tamahome had weighed heavily on her mood. CROW: Just as his presence weighed on her - MIKE: Crow! CROW: I was going to say nerves! Really, Mike, you have such a twisted mind. If things didn't change soon Miaka might end up paying another visit to the National Library, CROW: You know Miaka's desperate when she actually stoops to reading, horror of horrors, a *book*. and whilst Konan was full of friendly people who all loved Miaka dearly, Yui had no desire to return to Kutou and.. him. MIKE: Bill Clinton? TOM: Paul Bernardo? CROW: Oscar? MIKE: No, then she'd have no desire to return to 'it'. All those dark thoughts and memories fled from her mind however as her friend grabbed her hand and the two raced off to the local Okynomiyaki store. TOM: (whimpering) Mike... how can this be? I thought Miaka and Yui were supposed to live in the 'real world'. How can that possibly include ki blasts, cursed Jyusenkyo springs and magical flying ships? (getting agitated) It's too much stupidity! I don't think I can... CROW: He's gonna blow! MIKE: (urgently) Tom, calm down - TOM: EEEEEUUUUUYAAAAAAHHH! (Smoke billows forth as Tom's head explodes, sending the shattered pieces flying across the theatre.) CROW: Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Gosunkugi stood next to Nakago behind the wall to the Tendo Dojo. CROW: Learning tips on voyeurism from the master himself. MIKE: Crow... CROW: What, you think Nakago's never peeped in on Soi? (drools) Mmmmm... From inside the sounds of two combatants could be heard. "Now what?" he asked. Nakago looked at the top of the wall and back to his smaller companion. MIKE: (reaches under his seat, and draws out a large box. He opens it, revealing a robotic head identical to the one now scattered in bits across the room). Here, Crow, help me put Tom's new head on. CROW: (eagerly holds the red robot steady as Mike drills) How'd you know to bring an extra head? MIKE: Actually, I keep one under my chair ever since Tom exploded three times in "Away From Home." Remember? CROW: I don't think I'll ever forget, no matter how hard I try. MIKE: There, I think we're finished. (Extends two fingers in front of the newly-repaired Servo) Tom, how many fingers am I holding up? TOM: Fifty. MIKE: Close enough. "Now we shall watch this.. Saotome in action." Nakago placed his hand on Gosunkugi's shoulder and the two vanished into thin air. TOM: Wait, if they vanished INTO the air, wouldn't it get thick instead of thin? MIKE: Tom, if you keep nit-picking your head will explode again. Ranma leaped and danced along the rocks surrounding the pool. CROW: (Ranma, singing) Hey, Macarena! It was unusual for his pop to request an afternoon training session, but lately his antics had been irritating Ranma more than usual. MIKE: (Ranma) He squirted cheez wiz down my favourite boxer shorts! So he'd been only too happy to oblige. Father and son leaped from rock to rock kicking and punching in mid air as they used technique after technique to tip the other into the pond. Finally Ranma leapt into the air and kicked his father in the face. The force of his kick sent the two martial artists flying over the pond and for once they landed on the grass. "Something the matter pop? We done already?" Ranma asked standing comfortably on his father's face. TOM: However, Ranma failed to notice the neutron bomb his father had shoved down his pants. It exploded, turning the two martial artists to cinders as a large, mushroom-like cloud rose from Nerima... MIKE: (worried expression as he looks at Tom) Maybe I wired it wrong... Ranma stopped for a minute sensing something out of place. CROW: You're in a bad fanfic, so live with it! He looked up at the wall, and squinted his eyes, trying to see what it was his body had sensed. Genma responded by bringing his legs up and locking them around his waist before throwing him into the ground. TOM: 'Into' the ground? MIKE: Well, it is actually possible, just really hard to do. Maybe Genma's been practising. CROW: Betcha that's not all he's been practising. What do you think him and Soun do while Ranma and Akane are off at school? MIKE: Crow... CROW: I was going to say they play shogi! Why do you always think the worst of me, Mike? MIKE: Because I'm usually right. "Insolent boy! En Garde" Genma began throwing punch after punch at his son, who blocked one after the other. Unseen from a nearby rooftop Nakago and Gosunkugi watched the battle. "He could see us!" Gosunkugi exclaimed CROW: (Gosunkugi) The American Civil Liberties Union will put a stop to this! MIKE: (Nakago) Technically, we're the ones spying on him. CROW: (Gosunkugi) So? Our right to break the law must be respected! "No, but he sensed us. TOM: (Nakago, sniffing) I've got to start wearing deodorant! Hmm interesting the two of them are surrounded by curse magic." MIKE: (Nakago) They are doomed to watch really bad movies and... oops, wrong series. "Curse magic?" "Ranma! Dinner's almost ready!" Akane called out. P-chan following dutifully behind her. "There she is that's Akane." Gosunkugi paused suddenly concerned " Is she surrounded with curse magic as well?" TOM: Depends. Is living in a house with over a dozen maniacs routinely barging in considered a curse? "No.... but the pig is. There is more to your opponent than meets the eye." ALL: (singing) Transformers! More than meets the eye! MIKE: Somehow I just can't see Ranma as Optimus Prime... Nakago looked at Gosunkugi thoughtfully. Then carefully choosing his words "I cannot defeat him alone. I may need the help of my allies. Would you be able to call them from my world into this one?" TOM: (Gosunkugi) Yeah, but it'll cost you, you wussie! "Huh. You can't beat him?" MIKE: (Nakago) Well yes I could but it'd mess up my hair and I just had it styled yesterday and what do you think of my cape I think I look so good in purple and... (stops to take a breath before he passes out.) CROW: Wow, I've rarely seen such a run-on sentence. It even outdoes Ratliff! TOM: Let's not exaggerate. Hey Mike, you okay? MIKE: (takes a deep breath as he regains conciousness) What, it isn't over yet? How long is this damn fanfic gonna last? "His martial arts is superb, I've only seen one other who is his equal. Also he is well guarded, this Akane is also a fine warrior, and the boys father too. TOM: How would he know? He's never seen Akane fight! MIKE: What did I say about pointing out everything that doesn't make sense in crossovers, Tom? TOM: It's not worth it? MIKE: That's right. If I were reunited with my six comrades I'm sure we could defeat them easily." "SIX!!!! SIX comrades" CROW: That's what he said! You deaf or something, boy? "Seishi, if all seven of us are united then I doubt any could stand in our way." MIKE: So let me get this straight. He needs six other champions just to take down a boy, a girl, and a middle-aged man? What kind of ultimate warrior is he?! "I dunno.." Nakago turned to his young companion and smiled. Then he began speaking very softly. "Gosunkugi-sama you have summoned me to fulfill your wish, which I will do. The Tendo girl will be yours, however, I am not strong enough to do that which is required. CROW: (Nakago) Because I'm an effeminate wuss! Only the might of the Seven Seiryuu Seishi can defeat Ranma and his allies. We will all serve you until we have achieved that which you most desire. Give me that which I need and the world will be yours." MIKE: (Gosunkugi) So, what are we doing tonight, Brain? CROW: (Nakago) Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world! "Well... I suppose, alright. I'll do it again." TOM: What, he's going to go out and buy another six summoning scrolls? You'd think those things grew on trees! Nakago's lip once twitched into a half smile. CROW: (Dr. Kevorkian) Ooh, nasty twitch there. I recommend immediate suicide. The first stage of his plan had begun. There was a danger, but perhaps, those who would be his enemies, could be exploited. He was going to like this world. He could see that now. MIKE: He'd spotted a hairdresser's salon just down the street. Chiriko, Nuriko and Hotohori all clutched their heads. The chant had come again and the feeling of being pulled away was just as strong this time as it had been the last. MIKE: Mike and the 'bots all clutched their heads. The fanfic had come again and the feeling of imminent cerebral collapse was just as strong this time as it had been in "Enterprized." TOM: Like I said before, Mike, let's not exaggerate. The Royal vessels ran to their aid but it took all their will power to resist the calling. CROW: (random Seishi) I... must... resist. I won't... splurge on Mars bars.. TOM: (Borg) Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated into the Chocolate Collective. Finally it passed and the three Seishi fell to the ground. CROW: (random Seishi) Wheee, that was fun! Let's do it again! "Interesting the duration of the chant was shorter this time than the last" Chiriko commented MIKE: (Chiriko) Our radio is running out of batteries. "What could be causing it?" Hotohori asked "I'm not sure. Although I have a suspicion, if what I suspect is true we might all have a lot of trouble. I wish Chichiri were here. His insight into this matter would be helpful." TOM: He'd tell you to stop picking your nose and get a job, you deadbeat! After Suzaku no Miko had returned to her world the seven Seishi had once again gone their separate ways. Chiriko and Nuriko had remained at the court with Hotohori the emperor, TOM: (Hotohori) Damned parasites! but Tasuki, Tamahome, Mitsukake and Chichiri had all gone their separate ways. With Miaka gone there had no longer been any reason for the seven holy warriors to remain together. MIKE: They'd briefly considered forming their own band, but that didn't work out after Tamahome got them kicked out of Konan, after he'd tried to play the guitar. Whilst they were all good friends, each of them had his own paths to travel. Tasuki was again leading the Leikaku bandits whose activities had spread much further than the confines of Mt Leikaku. TOM: Yet Hotohori doesn't seem to mind that Tasuki's bandits are terrorizing the citizens of Konan. CROW: (Hotohori) Ah, they're just peasants! Let'em die! Tamahome had departed to once again try to make some money. He hadn't had much success for two reasons. MIKE: The first was that after spending so much time with Miaka, he'd found his IQ had mysteriously dropped to 20. CROW: The second was that he'd gotten an addiction to Zonga melons, and was continually shelling out for them. TOM: Zonga melons? CROW: It was all I could think of! The first one was that his heart was no longer in it. With Miaka gone his motivation to accumulate wealth had diminished significantly. MIKE: He no longer needed to save up and hire an assassin. The second reason was that a particular group of bandits had a special knack for following him wherever he went. Whilst most of the time he had been successful in fighting them off. They were successful enough times to keep him in poverty. Mitsukake had returned to Choka and was once again practicing medicine. MIKE: Killing patients, administrating toxic substances and charging exhorbant fees? TOM: Sounds like medicine to me! Chichiri was again on the road and it was impossible to find him. CROW: Not that anyone particularly wanted to. The masked monk would pop up from time to time, but his travels were known only to himself. "If we are all feeling it won't the others?" Nuriko asked "That's what I'm afraid of." Answered the 13-year-old. His Suzaku symbol "Stretching" clearly shone from his foot. ALL: "Stretching?" MIKE: How about that? Chiriko's an aerobics instructor. CROW: A thirteen year old? Ah c'mon, Mike. MIKE: Well, why not? Marrissa was only twelve, and she commanded the Enterprise. TOM: (Chiriko) Bow down and kiss my Suzaku symbol, you puny adults! Ranma finished off his soba noodles and slurped up the remaining soup. MIKE: (Nodoka) Ranma! How many times have I told you it's bad manners to slurp your soup! CROW: (Ranma) Aww, mom... MIKE: (Nodoka) No buts! It's seppuko for you, young man! "mmm good" he said smiling contentedly. He looked out at the garden enjoying the warm breeze on his face. He then looked across at his fiancÈe who had a strange smile on her face. The more he looked at her the uneasier he felt. "Wha?" He asked, her smile only grew wider. MIKE: (Ranma) You've been in the sake again, haven't you? CROW: (Akane, blushing) Actually, Ryouga wandered by... and I was tired of sleeping with just P-chan at night... TOM: Urk... Crow, you might want to rephrase that. MIKE: (turning pale) First bestiality with cats, now with pigs... "Did you enjoy that?" she asked sweetly. A little too sweetly in fact. Uh oh this could only mean one thing. "You didn't..." She smiled as she slammed a large oddly shaped brown looking ... thing onto the table. It was divided into three lumps "I made some desert!" Soun, Genma, Nabiki and Ranma's eyes all twitched. MIKE: (random family member) Oh, goody goody gosh. We're dead meat! "Oh well isn't that nice of you Akane." Kasumi complemented her. TOM: Obviously, Kasumi never has to try out her sister's.. uh.. creations. "Hmm as much as I would like to, I am on a diet so. Be sure to enjoy in my place" Nabiki said tactfully. " Go on have some!" Akane said to Ranma. TOM: (Akane) And seal your doom! Bwahahaha! MIKE: Feeling a little dark today, Tom? "Uh uh no way Akane, I'm not about to eat that." Ranma protested "..and why not?" MIKE: (Ranma) Because I'd like to live to see my seventeenth birthday! "Well isn't it obvious, this isn't the cake you cooked" Ranma said pointing at it "It isn't?" Akane asked confused "It's the dog that died after eating the cake you cooked... and I draw the line that eating dog meat" "RANMA NO BAKA!!" She cried smashing him over the head with the water jug. The unconscious Ranma chan fell to the ground. Akane turned and stormed out of the room. TOM: Ah yes, another typical day in the Tendo household. CROW: Has Akane ever considered going for anger management therapy? Nakago appeared at the side of the road. He turned and looked towards the Dojo and smiled to himself. Thing were beginning to get very interesting. Yes things were getting very interesting indeed. MIKE: Surely you jest. CROW: I've seen financial reports that were more exciting than this 'fic! The two guards to the Mt Leikaku bandit stronghold stood chatting. Their pikes hanging lazily by their shoulders. CROW: Slackers. There's some in every army. "So I says baby you're the only one for me, and she says well I'm not sure you're the only one for me." "Man that's cold!" MIKE: No. Try spending a winter in Ottawa without heating. Now that's cold. CROW: (Canajun) Eh, Gaston! The polar bears are going through the garbage again. "I know, Jeez when's this shift going to end?" the guard griped. TOM: Never! You'll be guarding the gates until doomsday! Bwahahaha! MIKE: One more comment like that, Tom, and I'm taking apart your head. Suddenly a shadow formed behind the two. CROW: Batman? "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" cried Chichiri appearing from the shadow. ALL: (jump from their seats, startled) AAHHHH! TOM: Don't DO that! The second guard cried out in fright and leapt into the first's arms. TOM: (second guard) Help, mommy! CROW: (first guard) Sure thing. You can make it up to me later tonight in the bedroom... MIKE: (grimaces) Ugh. "A MONSTER!!!!" MIKE: (looks around)Jerry Springer? Where? Where? "Don't be rude no da." Chichiri looked at the guard a little hurt TOM: What's a *guard a little hurt*? MIKE: (shrugs) "Is Tasuki in? I'll just have a looksy na no da" Chichiri opened the door to the bandits hideout and started walking purposefully through the halls. TOM: When suddenly he was impaled by two arrows that flew out of the darkness. Chichiri collapsed on the floor, breathing his last, while his own blood soaked through his robes and formed a dark pool around him... MIKE: That does it! (holds up a drill) This'll only hurt a little bit, Tom. TOM: (hurriedly) That's okay, Mike, I'm fine! Really! AARRRGGGGHHH! (TOM screams as MIKE detaches his dome, then the robot falls limply into his seat. CROW looks on in horror.) CROW: Mike, you killed Servo! MIKE: No, I didn't! I'm just gonna fix his dark humour modulator, that's all. Now then, where is it... (starts tinkering around with TOM's circuitry as CROW winces and turns back to the fanfic.) His attempts at finding Mitsukake and Tamahome had both failed as the two Seishi had already begun their journey to the capital. Hence there was no telling where they might be. MIKE: (Mitsukake) Excuse me, is this Furinkan High School? CROW: That's Ryouga, you dolt! Chichiri was convinced that each the Suzaku Seishi had felt the summoning call. He also recognized it for what it was. CROW: Doctor Forrester had finally tired of tormenting Mike and the 'bots, and decided to move on to fresh victims. MIKE: (looking up from his work)Wishful thinking, little buddy. He was positive that it wasn't just the Suzaku Seishi either but every Seishi in the world of the Four Gods would have felt the call. The problem was that someone had responded to it. Chichiri feared that whoever that person was he wasn't a Suzaku Seishi, and that very simply meant trouble. TOM: Gzxjzzxv! CROW: (looks over at Tom, concerned) Mike, are you sure you know what you're doing? MIKE: Sure, I'll just reconnect the yellow wire and - TOM: (suddenly spins around wildly) Yaaaaaah! MIKE: (nervously) Heh heh, or was it the blue? The calling was very strong and the growing uneasiness was undeniable. They were all on alert so Chichiri guessed that if Tasuki hadn't left already he should be ready to go at least. MIKE: There, that should do it. (welds Tom's dome back on.) CROW: Hey Servo, you okay? TOM: Just fine, Auntie Bea! (flops over onto the floor.) Chichiri shoved the door to the Bandit leader's room open "Tasuki, time to go na no da!" CROW: Argh! Enough with the no da's, already! MIKE: Actually, that's how Chichiri really talks. (looks down) I hope I didn't mess Tom up too much... Tasuki lay totally intoxicated in the middle of the room a large bottle of alcohol in one hand and his Iron fan or Tessen in the other. Chichiri fell to the ground in shock. He grabbed Tasuki and shook him urgently. "Tasuki, Tasuki wake up no daaa!" Tasuki's eyes slowly opened and he smiled stupidly at his comrade. "Chichiriiii.." he slurred TOM: (slurring) Miiiiikkkkee... MIKE: (picks up Tom and puts him back on the seat) Shhh, Tom, it's okay. Here, have a RAM chip. TOM: (numbly accepts the chip as he turns his attention back to the fanfic.) "Yes Tasuki it's me no da. Come on we have to go na no da." "Piss off! Gen-chan sleep now" ALL: (John Cleese, imitating an old lady) Oooh! Well, I never! MIKE: Tsk, tsk, such language! "Wake up. Haven't you felt the call" "Oh yeah I felt it alright." The wandering monk looked down at his friend " Biggest fucking hangover this side of Konan. Now piss off and let me sleep." Chichiri exasperated dropped his comrade. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. But right now he didn't have time to indulge his fellow Seishi in the oblivion of sleep. Suzaku no miko was in danger and they were both needed. CROW: To finish her off. MIKE: (gives Crow a calculating stare) CROW: Nyuh-uh! You're not messing with MY head! He laid his purple cloak out onto the ground, and rolled the snoozing bandit onto it. After tapping it once with his staff ALL: Ewwwww! CROW: (Tasuki) Chichiri, I never knew you felt that way! it glowed for a minute and Tasuki sank into nothingness. The mage then hopped up into the air and onto the cloak himself, which then proceeded to fall in on itself until nothing was left. BOTS: Yaaaaay! They're gone! TOM: (crosses out Tasuki and Chichiri on a list of names) That's two down! MIKE: Wait, guys... I think that's just Chichiri's teleport power. CROW: You mean they're not really dead? MIKE: (nods) CROW: Hmph! You just had to spoil our fun, didn't you, Mike? Amiboshi sat on Gosunkugi's bed playing his flute, which seemed to have a somewhat calming effect on his twin, who was busy pacing. Gosunkugi had been shocked, when not one but two Seishi had appeared from the scroll of summoning. CROW: Nobody had told him the scroll had a two-for-one deal on weekdays. TOM: Hey, wait a sec. Didn't he already summon Nakago with that scroll? Wouldn't it be used up or something? And wasn't the scroll just supposed to summon ONE ultimate warrior? Somehow I can't see Amiboshi in that role. MIKE: Apparently the scroll can summon as many Seishi as the author feels necessary to drag in, without any requirements. TOM: But that's absurd, even for a crossover! It's such a cheap way to get characters over that... I... (getting agitated again) CROW: Mike... MIKE: Uh... Hey Tom, why don't you name me the entire cast of Magic Knights Rayearth? TOM: Season one or two? MIKE: (shrugs) TOM: Well there's Hikaru, and Master Clef, and Alcione, and... The two were identical twins, however, they were as different in character as they were similar in looks. Amiboshi was patient calm and content to await his comrade's return whereas Suboshi paced continuously, impatient and restless. CROW: (Suboshi) I'm still waiting for my exam results to get in. TOM: ...and Ferrio, and Fuu, and Windam, and... "What's keeping him?" Suboshi cried. MIKE: (Amiboshi) Well, he can't decide whether to order all dressed or pepperoni and cheese... TOM: ...and Caldina, and Zagato, and Mokona, and... CROW: (annoyed) Great, Mike. Now there's no way to shut that fanboy up! MIKE: It was that or letting his head blow up again. "I'm sure he'll be along soon." Gosunkugi said meekly. "Who asked you?" the impatient 15 year old retorted. CROW: (Suboshi) You dare interrupt my pointless rantings? Die! TOM: ...and Lafarga, and Selece, and Puresia, and - CROW: SHUT UP, SERVO! TOM: Bite me, Crow! Amiboshi stopped playing his flute as the door to Gosunkugi's room opened and Nakago strode through. MIKE: (Nakago) Well, they were all out of pizza, so I brought some sushi instead. "See he's here.." Gosunkugi said smiling, Amiboshi lifted his flute to his lips and began playing a tune. Gosunkugi's eyes began to droop and then he fell limply onto the bed. TOM: (Amiboshi, indignant) Hey, my music isn't that boring! "He should have pleasant dreams." The flute player said. CROW: (Amiboshi) For a brief, fleeting moment, he will have escaped from this fanfic. "Be careful we need him if all the Seishi are to be summoned" Nakago said. CROW: (Nakago) And quit playing that ^%@%*& flute! It's getting on my nerves! MIKE: (Amiboshi, whining) But you're the one who took away my kazoo... "Why are we all coming to this strange land?" Suboshi asked. Nakago looked at him sternly and Suboshi shrank back. Nakago moved in close to him and said quietly. MIKE: (Nakago) Because we've finally saved up enough frequent flier points. "Because, all the Seishi are needed if Seiryuu no Miko is to summon Seiryuu." "What?" Both twins said together. ALL: He said, "BECAUSE ALL THE SEISHI ARE NEEDED IF SEIRYUU NO MIKO IS TO SUMMON SEIRYUU"! CROW: Are you both freakin' deaf? "Have you not felt her presence? This is the homeworld of Seiryuu no miko." TOM: (starts foaming at the mouth) Not... the... Ranmaverse... CROW: Ugh. Tom's got rabies. MIKE: It's okay, Tom. Just hang in there. "Yui-sama's homeworld?" Suboshi said somewhat uplifted "Isn't there a danger that some of the Suzaku no Seishi will follow us to this world?" Amiboshi asked. Nakago looked at him for a few seconds. "I'm counting on it." Both Suboshi and Amiboshi smiled. MIKE: Hold on, didn't Amiboshi defect to the Suzaku Seishi's side? Why the hell would he be helping Nakago?! TOM: Well, the author did say he'd only seen up to episode 28. Chichiri, Hotohori, Nuriko, Chiriko and a somewhat hung over Tasuki sat at a conference table. Discussing the recent feeling each had been sharing. MIKE: (Chichiri) Yes, it's been confirmed. I'm afraid we really are stuck in a rotten crossover. CROW: (Tasuki, cringing) For God's sake, Chichiri, stop yelling. "This uneasiness it's getting stronger" Nuriko said. "Chiriko and I have compared note and we think we know what's occurring na no da." MIKE: Oh, so now Chichiri has been reduced to working with a thirteen- year-old? CROW: Chiriko - Marrissa Picard's long-lost cousin! Chichiri said removing his happy mask to reveal his scarred face underneath. MIKE: Chichiri was Ferrio all along! "Someone or something is creating a rift between our world and the other world." TOM: Oh, goodie - just like Sliders. Excuse me while I gag. "Rift, what's that?" asked Tasuki MIKE: It's an RPG. "A door between the two worlds. When Miaka and her friend traveled to this world they did so by unwittingly opening a door in which the Miko can use to travel to our world. CROW: (Chiriko) How bitterly we rue that day. It appears there is another door in which Seishi can use to travel to her world." Chiriko answered. MIKE: (sarcastic) Not only is this fanfic entertaining, it's also educational! TOM: Just shoot me now. Please. "So the feelings we have all felt was the doorway opening?" Nuriko asked. MIKE: No, really? TOM: Apparently, Nuriko's brain took a beating in the transfer from anime to fanfic. "That's correct no da. But the fact that the feeling subsided means that someone answered that call no da" "Ahhh so Tama and Mitsukake have gone to the other world?" Tasuki asked TOM: (Tasuki) Good riddance! I never liked'em anyway. CROW: (ditto) With Tamahome, it was always Miaka this, and Miaka that. Man, was he tied on to her apron strings or what? "No, their both still here no da" Chichiri answered. TOM: (Tasuki) Damn. "Then who went through the door?" The bandit asked "We think some of the Seiryuu Seishi did." "Then Miaka is in danger!" The Emperor hissed. CROW: (Hotohori) I called dibs on her! MIKE: Just a bit of a Miaka-hater, aren't we, Crow? CROW: What makes you think that? "Those asseholes are running around her world. With none of us to protect her!" Tasuki exclaimed. MIKE: (Tasuki) Oh, what a pity. Let's go get drunk. TOM: Sounds good to me. Anything to make me forget I'm reading this fanfic. "The real question is why no da." MIKE: They're villains. Since when do villains need a reason? "I think I know." Answered Chiriko. "Suzaku no miko and Seiryuu no miko both traveled to this world through the Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho of that world. If Nakago could find that book since it has no alignment with any one of the gods, TOM: Translation: It hates them all. it could be used to summon Seiryuu in that world. Seiryuu no miko would be given another set of wishes." MIKE: (Chiriko) And this time, let's make sure she doesn't use them to wish for underwear. TOM: Who's the fanboy now, Mike? Hotohori sighed heavily. "We must do everything to see to it that doesn't happen. We must find a way to protect Miaka." CROW: (Hotohori) I didn't plan out her horrible death in every little detail, just to have that bastard Nakago beat me to it! "But how, they are in that world we're stuck in this one." Nuriko complained MIKE: (Nuriko) I wanna go to the mall! Waaaah! "No they need to open the portal a few more times to allow the other Seiryuu no Seishi through. TOM: (snarling) Using the same damned scroll, I take it! MIKE: Are you going to be okay, Tom? TOM: I'll... I'll try, Mike. But the plot... CROW: Look, the plot has holes so big you could drive the Starship Enterprise through them. Once you accept that, reading this 'fic becomes almost tolerable, emphasis on the 'almost'. When next the feeling occurs one of us must answer it." Chiriko answered MIKE: (Chiriko) Just make sure you charge it 'collect'. "Hmm there's a risk MIKE: That you might mess up and die a horrible, lingering death? TOM: We can only hope. but there's the possibility I could use my power to piggy back along with whoever answers it no da, if I'm close to them when they open the door na no da. That way there could be two of us through the portal at once no da." Chichiri suggested. CROW: Yeah, like all the Ranmaverse needs is more super-powered maniacs. "Very good then we must all prepare for the next opening of the doorway between worlds." Hotohori replied. "Do not fear Miaka.. we'll protect you... surely." CROW: (Hotohori) We'll protect... (bursts out laughing) Ah, who am I kidding? We'll dance on your grave! "Oh Hotohori sama!" Nuriko pined. TOM: 'Pined'? I never knew Nuriko was a tree! "Niahao Ranma!" Shampoo cried bounding into the room an enthusiastic bundle of energy. She immediately glomped onto Ranma and indicated her box of Ramen. TOM: Instantly electrocuting him, being, after all, a bundle of energy. "Shampoo make too too delicious Ramen for Ranma. You eat yes!" She shoved the bowl of noodles into Ranma's upraised arms. "Hey you didn't go puttin' no love potions or nothing in there did ya?" Ranma asked suspiciously. MIKE: Ranma, Ranma, this is Shampoo we're talking about! CROW: Asking her not to mess around with Chinese potions is like trying to explain the theory of relativity to Gourry. It simply doesn't work. "Ranma what you talking?" The young amazon replied smiling innocently. "Oh I see. So Shampoo's food is good enough for you but mine's not. Is that it Ranma." Akane accused MIKE: (Ranma) Well, yeah. That would about sum it up. "Oh hey Akane, there's nothing for you get angry about. I'm just..." Ranma started , but he was cut short as Ryoga grabbed Ranma by the shirt. "You expect her to not get angry about this!" MIKE: Yes, that's what he said. Does everyone in this 'fic need a hearing aid or something? TOM: Hearing aid, hell. A plot aid would be nice. "Ryoga?" Ranma said surprised CROW: Why surprised? It's what Ryouga says whenever Ranma says just about anything to Akane. " How dare you, is it so much to ask to eat food that Akane has lovingly slaved over. I would die to have someone treat me like that!" Ryoga cried MIKE: You'll die if you eat her cooking, all right. "Hey you'll be dieing if you eat that stuff. It's not my fault it's not fit for human consumption." CROW: Good call, Mike. MIKE: Thank you. "Ranma right, Shampoo much better cook than Akane!" "Is that so?" said Akane icily, as she threw a glass of water at the three martial artists. Ryoga watched as the cold water flew through the air towards him. His thoughts and dreams were about to be shattered as Akane would find out his deepest darkest secret. MIKE: (Ryouga) Akane... I'm really a girl! CROW: (Akane) That's okay, Ryouga. I like girls better anyway (wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) "Noooo" he cried out as the water hit him and... nothing happened. The water had hit all three of them and not one of the martial artists had changed. ALL: (long silence) MIKE: But... Ranma without shape-changing... CROW: It boggles the mind... TOM: It's just plain wrong! "Hey I'm still a guy" Ranma said "Shampoo no turn into cat" Shampoo added MIKE: (Shampoo) Shampoo still no use English good grammar, though. "..and I'm still..... angry at you Ranma" Ryoga exclaimed CROW: Ooh, good save! "What is going on?" said Akane. MIKE: Hell finally froze over. TOM: Pigs can fly. CROW: Dr. Forrester took pity and stopped sending us bad fanfics. "That would be my doing." Answered Nakago. All four looked at Nakago as he stood before them his hands glowed brightly. TOM: Oh, so not only can Nakago throw spirit balls, erect an impenetrable force shield, manipulate everybody left, right and centre, he can also instantly cure the entire Ranma cast without even breaking a sweat?! MIKE: This is streching the walls of credibility, even for a crossover. CROW: Streching? I'd say it broke them a while ago. Something was different about the summoning this time. TOM: He didn't get free complementary peanuts. To begin with Gosunkugi had expected the Seishi to appear as the others had crouched over the Scroll. However this time the Seishi had appeared two feet above Gosunkugi's head. MIKE: See what happens when you don't read the instruction manual thoroughly? The gruff red haired man wearing a blue trenchcoat CROW: Dick Tracy! MIKE: No, he wears a yellow trenchcoat. And his hair's not red. CROW: Close enough. and some kind of huge Iron fan attached to his back had fallen through the portal on top of Gosunkugi. Scant seconds later another man or thing had fallen through on top of the trench-coated man. It was small about two feet tall, with purple hair which was all pushed back, except for the largest fringe Gosunkugi had ever seen which was pushed directly up. MIKE: It's a Gummi bear! ALL: (singing) Gummi bears! Bouncing here, and there and everywhere... The midget carried a staff and looked quite cute as he squinted at him smiling. MIKE: (groans) I can see Chichiri stuffed toys invading local malls already... He hopped onto the trench-coated mans head then to Gosunkugi's and then to the ground. He then began surveying the area as if looking for something but not really searching. CROW: He already knew escape from bad fanfics was impossible. He had borne witness to "Masked Rider versus the Sailor Scouts." "ASSEHOLE! WHATS THE BIG IDEA!" Tasuki yelled at Gosunkugi. MIKE: (Gosunkugi) I summoned a warrior from another world in a desperate bid to beat a martial artist who barely even knows I exist, and force his fiancee to go out with me, despite the fact that she'd sooner kiss Sasuke. CROW: (ditto) Isn't it obvious? "Sorry? I... I.. don't understand." MIKE: Hey, neither do we. Join the club. He stammered in reply. The superdeformed Chichiri turned to him and in a sudden puff of smoke changed into a tall equivalent of the midget. ALL: (applaud) TOM: Ooh, good trick! "Where are the others?" MIKE: Well, Goku and Bulma, accompanied by Oolung the shape-changing pig, are off in the Diablo Desert on their way to recovering the Dragon Balls... TOM: Wrong others, Mike. "Well... ahh... Suboshi said he was going to look for someone called Seiryuu no Miko. Amiboshi didn't think he should, so he went to look for Nakago." CROW: (Gosunkugi) 'Cause he's a tattle-tale! "Oh Shit! That blonde haired freak is here." MIKE: Yes, our feelings exactly. Tasuki whistled. Chichiri thought for a minute. CROW: Straining his brain so badly he was unable to use it for the next few days. Nobody noticed a real difference in his behaviour, however. "Seiryuu no Miko and Suzaku no Miko are best friends again no da. So if Suboshi finds Seiryuu no Miko...." TOM: Just call them Miaka and Yui, for God's sake! They DO have names! The bandit leader nodded and grabbing his iron Tessen from its back sheath the two raced from the room. "The more I summon the weirder they get." Gosunkugi muttered. MIKE: The more of this fanfic I read, the stupider it gets. Mousse, Ranma, Ryoga and Shampoo all sat around in a circle talking to Nakago. MIKE: (Mousse) Alright, here's our list of demands. First, we want Dove bars every breakfast... CROW: (Ranma) Second, we want out of this stupid crossover! "You mean we can be cured!" Ranma cried. Nakago smiled MIKE: (Nakago) Yes, but you must shave your head and join the 'Slaves of Nakago', my new cult, and sing hymes and praises to me each morning... TOM: Hey, that or the Scientologists... "I am a master of curse magic TOM: (Nakago) Along with just about everything else... CROW: Marrissa Picard, this is your future! Repent, before it is too late! I can remove your curses... in return for some favors..." CROW: ... For starters, you will adress me as 'Lord Nakago' from now on, insignificant mortals. "You really cure us?" Shampoo asked. TOM: (Nakago) I already said yes! What more do you want, a signed oath? "What kind of favors?" asked Mousse adjusting his glasses. MIKE: (Nakago) You will grovel at my feet upon command. TOM: (ditto) You will hunt down defenseless schoolgirls and beat them to death. CROW: (ditto) You will clean Ashitare's doghouse with your tongues. "I am looking for a girl, called Suzaku no Miko. Unfortunately she is guarded by seven warriors or Seishi." MIKE: You know, something's been bothering me. Since when does either Mitsukake or Chiriko qualify as a warrior? I mean, as a doctor the very thought of picking up a weapon would horrify Mitsukake. As for Chiriko, he couldn't pick up a bokken, much less a katana. TOM: Well, "five warriors and two pathetic excuses for Seishi" would sound kind of awkward. "Seishi isn't that a constellation?" Ryoga asked MIKE: You know there's a problem when Ryouga seems to be the most intelligent person in attendance. "So ya all want us to beat up the seven warriors so you can get to the girl. No problem." Ranma said. CROW: (Ranma) I won't let little things like honor and morals stand in my way! TOM: This from the guy who agreed to let Ukkyo beat him to death for the sake of the Saotome family honor. Oh Ranma, Ranma, what has he done to you? (starts sobbing) MIKE: (hugs Tom) Don't worry, Tom. It's just a fanfic, it's not real. "I would warn you not to underestimate them. Each of the seven are very powerful." MIKE: Yeah, if you're not careful Chiriko will recite the entire dynasty of Konan. TOM: (Chiriko) I'll vanquish our enemies. I'll bore them to death! CROW: All he'd need is a copy of "Away From Home", by our very own Stephen Ratliff. (ALL grimace) "The can't be any worse than the Seven Lucky Gods." Ryoga commented. Nakago once again grinned evilly. TOM: And still, somehow, the Ranma characters seemed inclined to trust him. Gatcha! "Hey, whatever it takes... I'll do whatever it takes to be cured!" Ranma exclaimed. TOM: You mean the Ranma cast is so gullible, they'll blindly obey Nakago's orders? Even when the commands violate every principle they believe in?! CROW: I always knew the Ranma cast wasn't too bright, but this is ridiculous! MIKE: What can I say? The author is clearly a Nakago-lover, and feels that it's okay for everyone else to act totally out of character, as long as his favorite villian comes out looking good in comparison. TOM: Mike... you've got it! CROW: You must be psychic! "Perfect.. that's just the kind of arrangement I'm looking for." Nakago answered. TOM: (Nakago, with a demented grin) And now, I own your souls. Suddenly Amiboshi leapt onto the wall and landed beside Nakago. He prostrated himself before his shogun and fellow Seishi. CROW: (Mr. Rogers) Can you say, "Out-of-character", boys and girls? "Nakago-sama my brother has grown impatient and has begun looking for Seiryuu no Miko." MIKE: (Amiboshi) He wanted to get it over with so he could go see "Spiceworld". "No matter, we must find Suboshi quickly." He answered. Then turning to Ranma and his friends and said "Come I may have need of you sooner than I thought." "Yuiii have you finished the Algebra assignment?" Miaka asked her friend. Yui nodded in response. "Mmmhmm I'm about halfway through." TOM: (Yui) I've written my 'Let' statement. Now what? "Wanna get something to eat, so I can have a look at it. Please" Miaka begged. CROW: (Miaka) C'mon, cheating is fun! Everybody else is doing it! "You are so hopeless Miaka" Yui jested. MIKE: (Yui) Ya know, Miaka, where I come from they shoot people like you. "You mean you'll do it?" Miaka asked. Her friend smiled and nodded "Ahh Yui-chan my best friend in the whole world!!" Miaka cried and grabbed her friend in a fierce hug. Yui just laughed. ALL: (make retching sounds.) "GET.. AWAY.. FROM... HER!" a voice said. MIKE: Hmm, keyboard must be malfunctioning. BOTS: (nod their agreement.) "Huh?" Yui said. "Who?" Miaka asked. TOM: Doctor Who! ALL: (start humming the theme song.) "Who? Your executioner is who." Suboshi cried lifting his weapon. CROW: (Miaka) Oh great, another flasher. Why don't you guys ever leave me alone? MIKE: Maybe if Japanese schoolgirls didn't wear such short skirts... The Ryuseisui was attached to his belt by two strands of rope at either hip. At the end of each rope a ball was connected with long blue hairs protruding in all directions. MIKE: (glares at Crow) CROW: What? I wasn't going to say anything. The young Seiryuu Seishi twisted the two balls on either rope causing them to spin rapidly. ALL: OUCH! TOM: How does Suboshi stand the pain? The momentum caused the hairs to spin out from the centripetal MIKE: Oh look, centripetal. He's trying to impress us with his advanced vocabulary. CROW: Well, it's not working. We still hate you! Nyaaah! force of the ball, causing each ball to become a sharp razor like weapon. "RYUSEISUI!!!!" He cried and threw one of the ends of his weapon at Miaka. BOTS: Oh please, oh please, please... "Miaka look out!!" Yui cried as Suboshi's Ryuseisui carved up the pavement. MIKE: Yummy, roast concrete with stuffing and cranberry sauce. Yui pushed Miaka out of the way. CROW: Yui! What'd you go and do that for?! TOM: We're very disappointed in you, young lady. The small spinning ball at the end of his rope moved closer to Yui herself but Suboshi jerked it back at the last minute. CROW: Now if his balls can do all that, just think what his - MIKE: That's enough, Crow. CROW: Please, Mike? MIKE: NO! CROW: (pouting) Party pooper. Suboshi leaped down in between the two friends and faced Miaka. His spinning Ryuseisui hovering in the air by his shoulders. "You are the enemy of Seiryuu and I will see that you are destroyed." He said. Miaka stunned crawled back away from the 15-year-old warrior. BOTS: Try it again, Suboshi! MIKE: And this time, don't you dare mess up! "You... no... how?" she exclaimed MIKE: So, what is Miaka trying to tell us here? TOM: That her thought process is so muddled she can't even construct a sentence? CROW: No, I think it stretches beyond that. Miaka's stuttering is symbolic for the poorly-conceived plot of this fanfic, hopelessly segmented and hastily glued together with plot convienances, in an attempt to save what was a bad idea to start with. MIKE: We bow before your wisdom, O Learned One. "You'll never know!" Suboshi replied. As he readied his weapon a new voice came from the wall. CROW: (Asylum patient) The walls! The walls are talking to me! "I see you still using that pissy little yo-yo." Suboshi looked up at Tasuki in surprise. "Lemme show ya what a real weapon can do." CROW: Hey, if Suboshi was using his balls, does that mean Tasuki's going to use his - MIKE: Crow! He said grinning evilly. TOM: Hey, he's stealing Nakago's schtick! He snapped open his Tessen as he leapt into the air and waved his fan before him "LEKKA SHIEN!" MIKE: Everybody yell your favourite attack phrase! KAISER FI BLADE! TOM: FLARE ARROW! CROW: SHINING FINGER! MIKE&TOM: (give the golden robot a strange look) CROW: What? It's an attack from G Gundam! MIKE: Just making sure. A blast of fire erupted from the Tessen and flew towards the Seiryuu Seishi. Suboshi grabbed Yui and leaped out of the way as the fire blast hit the pavement. MIKE: (mock sobbing) And Suboshi worked so hard to carve it up nicely, too... Tasuki landed by Miaka's side. "TASUKI!" she cried in relief. TOM: (Miaka) He messed up my hair! Waaah! MIKE: (Tasuki) Shut up, brat! As soon as I'm done with Suboshi, you're next. "Heh heh heh Not so tough now that you not facing women and children are you Yo Yo boy?" Tasuki accused TOM: Punctuation, man! Give me punctuation! "You!!" Suboshi said but he was cut short, by Nakago. CROW: (Tasuki) Yes, me. Anything else I can help you with? "Enough Suboshi! Bring Yui sama to safety. Tasuki you have done well to find us so quickly." Nakago said softly. MIKE: (Tasuki) Naw, it was nothin', I just looked you up in the hotel guest list. "Nakago Smith" isn't exactly the most original pseudonym, you know. "Shut the Fuck up LoudMouth!! Why don't you come down here and I'll show you how happy I am to see you assehole." CROW: (School kid) Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Tasuki is a potty mouth! MIKE: (Tasuki, crying) It's not true! I'm telling my mommy on you! "I have other things to attend to, but I'd like for you to meet some of my new Allies. I'm sure they'll provide you with plenty of amusement. MIKE: (Tasuki) Oh, goodie! Anyone know how to play Hearts? Ranma!" Ranma, Ryoga, Shampoo, and Mousse all leapt to the ground. Surrounding Tasuki and Miaka on each side. TOM: Mike, this is just too wrong! Ranma would never come at ANYONE's beck and call. MIKE: I know, little buddy, I know. The Suzaku Seishi looked at each of them nervously. CROW: (Tasuki) No strip poker, okay guys? "I don't wanna do this buddy, but we need that girl. So back off or you're gunna get hurt." Ranma challenged. TOM: Four honorable martial artists ganging up on a guy with a paper fan and a helpless girl? I can't believe this is happening. MIKE: Maybe if we all close our eyes and wish really hard, it will go away. ALL: (close their eyes. Little grunts of effort can be heard.) TOM: Is it working? MIKE: (opens his eyes) No, I'm afraid not. CROW: It was worth a try. ***Insert funky music**** ALL: 'Funky music'?! MIKE: Like, as in Aqua? Tasuki held his Tessen up in response and smiled at Ranma. "You try it Assehole.... And your gunna get burned." Ranma stood watching Tasuki and each of the martial artists crouched into a combat position. TOM: Unfortunately pulling their leg muscles so badly, they were unable to walk for the next few days. CROW: Proving you should always stretch before engaging in any kind of strenuous physical activity. Miaka clutched at her protector looking wearily at Shampoo. MIKE: (Miaka, to Shampoo) What ARE you doing? Don't you know girls are supposed to be cute and helpless, like me? Nakago just stood on the wall and smiled evilly. This should prove to be interesting. MIKE: Obviously, Nakago doesn't get out of the house often enough. End of Chapter 1. ALL: (much cheering and whistling.) TOM: Wait, that implies a second chapter we have to read. ALL: (much booing and hissing.) Authors Notes: Fushigi Yuugi has a nasty habit of leaving the end of each episode on a cliffhanger. MIKE: That's just how they keep ratings up. TOM: A ploy also commonly found in Doctor Who, Rurouni Kenshin, and bad fanfics. In respect for that habit, MIKE: And because I can't think of anything else to destroy both Ranma and Fushigi Yuugi's reputations at the moment... CROW: You make it sound as though the series were caught sleeping with each other, Mike. TOM: If this fanfic is the fruit of the union, I seriously recommend an abortion next time. and the fact that I have to go study for a law exam I'll leave chapter one at this point. I must warn Ranma fans though. TOM: This fanfic will obliterate any trace of respect you may have for the characters. Fushigi Yuugi characters fight very differently to Ranma characters. They fight for keeps. That is, generally when in combat, they don't try to beat up their opponent. They try to kill them. MIKE: You see, Dave, this is why Ranma and Fushigi Yuugi don't mix. They're two completely different styles. CROW: Like oil and water. TOM: Like Star Trek and Political Correctness. MIKE: Like Jerry Springer and good taste. CROW: Like Kunou and fried chicken. TOM: Now where did that last one come from? Oh and I'm a big Nakago fan. So believe me when I say, that none of the characters are safe. MIKE: This is an evil conspiracy. We are out to abduct and perform hideous experiments on you. You can't hide, and you can't run. Trust no one. CROW: A message from your local dentists' association. Stay tuned as next time Ukyo and Kuno join the fun. TOM: Great, he's dragging more innocents into this mess... Until next time.... MIKE: Is that a threat? Send Comments Flame Mallets etc to Davenader@hotmail.com CROW: As well as mail bombs, nerve gas, and incendiary rockets. MIKE: And we're out of here! (Mike picks up Tom and all three gratefully leave the theatre.) (SOL) (Mike can be seen wearily trying to fix the C.C.D., without much success. The circuitry simply melted away at the very thought of a Darth Vegita. With a sigh, he tosses the wrench aside and wipes the oil off his hands with a towel. The sound of chanting starts filtering through from the control room.) MIKE: Great, now what? (pushes open the door of the control room.) (Crow is standing over a chalk circle carefully traced over the floor. The golden robot looks eerie in the darkened room, the light from the candles flickering across his polished surface. Upon closer observation, the candles are miniature Snowmen left over from Christmas, which ruins the mood somewhat. Tom is off to one side, still as a statue, with a purple cape clearly too large for him draped clumsily over his head. Crow has his eyes closed and, as his chant starts reaching its end, he gestures towards a worn-out scroll at his feet.) CROW: Oooohmmm.... Mike, get the scroll, please? After all, you're the only one with functioning arms... ooooohhhhmmmmm.... MIKE: Not until you tell me what the hell is going on here! TOM: Isn't it obvious, Mike? We decided that since apparently an old scroll is all that's needed to summon an ultimate warrior to fulfill your wishes, we'd give it a try. CROW: We could order him to send us home, and leave an.. *ahem*.. parting gift to Dr. F for us. MIKE: Yeah, right. Uh, where'd you get the scroll anyway? CROW: Oh, that? Gypsy was using it as a placemat. MIKE: (sighs) Well, you're wasting your time, guys. There's no way it'll ever work. That was just a stupid plot contrivance. TOM: Silence, infidel! The ceremony is about to begin. CROW: (clears his throat) By the way and the circuit, from the world of the Four Amigos from the Four Networks I call you. By the three who are imprisoned by one to endure many, whose destiny has been preordained by the ratings, I call you to come forth and be made flesh, or metal, or Jell-O, or whatever. Come forth! (Crow stops. The inside of the chalk circle is bare and empty. The only sound to be heard is the vague humming of the Satellite's machinery as all three turn and look at each other.) MIKE: (smirking) There, I told you it wouldn't work. Still, I - (He is interrupted as a wave of bright, piercing light erupts from Crow's scroll. All three turn their heads to avoid permanent eye/sensor damage as the radiance concentrates above the chalk circle for a brief instant in time. It then fades, leaving the room illuminated by a bright pink glow from the figure crouched in the centre of the circle.) MIKE: What the - (The figure suddenly streaks forward and grabs Mike by his jumpsuit collar. As the pink glow and crackling electricity start to fade, Mike finds himself looking into the infuriated eyes of what appears to be a teenage girl. Her fiery red hair is draped on the shoulder pads of her golden breastplate, and she wears a long black cloak.) FIGURE: Give back my chicken dinner for ten, you goddamned... (pauses, then drops Mike) Hey, where am I? CROW: Servo, don't tell me that's... BOTS: Lina Inverse?! TOM: (moans) Ten thousand warriors in the Multiverse, and we get stuck with the Dragon Spooker. MIKE: Dragon Spooker? LINA: (growls) Don't you dare... CROW: That isn't the worst of it, either. (Suddenly starts wailing) I don't mind the ultimate warrior being female, but why Lina? Why couldn't we get Yohko, or one of the Puma Sisters or something? LINA: (suspiciously pleasant smile) Oh? What's so special about them? CROW: Unlike you, they aren't completely flat-chested and... (realization dawns)... uh oh... LINA: Baka! (pulls out a ridiculously large mallet and slams Crow offscreen). MIKE: (whistles) Wow, where'd you learn that? LINA: (grins) Well, I met a certain Akane Tendou a while back in a lame-ass crossover. She says this is the best way to rid yourself of hentais. She seemed to have a lot of experience at it. (Looks around) Where...? MIKE: I think an explanation is required, but introductions come first. I'm Mike Nelson, this (points to the red robot) is Tom Servo... TOM: Hiya! MIKE: ...and hentai boy back there goes by the name of Crow T. Robot. By the way, I'd better... (He is interrupted by the flashing lights and wailing of the sirens.) MIKE: It'll have to wait, 'cause we've got CROSSOVER SIGN! LINA: Say what? (Mike and the 'bots enter the theatre, Lina tagging along after them. They are having a whispered conversation.) LINA: So let me get this straight. You're trapped in some kind of floating castle, and forced to read these f.. fan..fics? MIKE: Yeah, that about sums it up. "Team Ranma vs. The Seven Seishi of Suzaku" A Ranma /Fushigi Yuugi fanfic By David Myers LINA: Gyaaaah! What the hell is that?! (points wildly at the screen). MIKE: That's a fanfic. Relax, it won't hurt you. CROW: Actually, Mike - MIKE: Shhhh. There's no point in scaring her in advance. Character note: Taiitsu-kun looks a little like Cologne Shampoo's great grandmother. TOM: I've heard of Cologne, and I've heard of Shampoo, but who is this Cologne Shampoo? Chapter 2 MIKE&BOTS: (groan) MIKE: (Kurtz) The horror... "I don't wanna do this buddy, but we need that girl. So back off or you're gunna get hurt." Ranma challenged. Tasuki held his Tessen up in response and smiled at Ranma. TOM: Hey, haven't we seen this part before? CROW: The author's so short of plot ideas, he's plagiarizing off himself! LINA: (eyes the 'bots with a confused look) "You try it Arsehole.... And your gunna get burned." Tasuki looked from one opponent to the other. Each held their ground waiting for the other to move. MIKE: (Mousse) Ugh! How come I always get stuck with the clay loam? LINA: 'Scuse me, but what exactly are you all doing? MIKE: (looks a little surprised) Well, we're riffing it. TOM: You know, making fun of it as we go along. It's the only way we've managed to stay sane. LINA: But it isn't that bad! CROW: You missed Chapter 1. Give it some time, Lina, and you'll see. It was a Mexican standoff of sorts, MIKE: (Mexican accent)Aie, caramba! These gringos, they do not know a real standoff if it walk up and bite them on the ass. four martial artists versus one Suzaku Seishi. "Too many of them gotta even the odds" He thought to himself. TOM: Why does Tasuki sound like he's playing roulette at a casino? CROW: Mind over matter. He's probably trying to will himself out of this fanfic. With that he waved his fan in front of him and cried "Lekka Shien!!" sending a blast of pure fire MIKE: 'Pure fire'? Like, as opposed to mixed fire? TOM: (street merchant) Yep, our deluxe flames are only the best in natural energy. Get'em while they're hot! CROW: That was a bad pun, even for you. at Shampoo and Mousse who both leapt out to either side of the wall of flame. "What the!" Ryoga cried. LINA: Yes, folks, we have the most overused phrase in the history of entertainment! MIKE: No, that goes to "Try to get some sleep". TOM: "I won't forgive you." CROW: All wrong. It's "Where'd I put my pants?" (There is a pause, as everybody turns to look at Crow.) MIKE: Well, that speaks volumes about the kind of movies Crow watches. "Ryoga lets tag team him" Ranma cried and leapt up onto Ryoga's shoulders. CROW: (Ranma) Tag! You're it! MIKE: (Ryouga, crying) No fair, Ranma! I called no touch-backs! Tasuki turned and waved his Iron weapon at them, sending another blast of fire at the two martial artists. LINA: Tasuki really has to stop eating so many jalapenos. Ryoga opened his umbrella using it to shield himself from the fiery onslaught, TOM: He deflected a burst of flame using A PAPER UMBRELLA?! MIKE: Let it go, Tom. It's not like Ryouga's umbrella hasn't done unexplainable things in the anime. CROW: Like how it weighs a ton, yet still manages to float on the water? whereas his pig tailed companion LINA: Genetic engineering sure does wonders these days. MIKE: There, you're getting the hang of it already. leapt high into the air over the intense heat generated by the fan. "Hot Hot Hot!" cried Ryoga. MIKE&BOTS: (singing) Ole, Ole! Feeling hot, hot, hot! LINA: (puzzled look) Ranma spun in mid-air and kicked Tasuki across the face. MIKE: Following the convenient dotted lines. Tasuki rolled with the blow, CROW: And kissed it passionately on the lips as his hand reached - MIKE: Crow, do you need a time-out? but was caught unaware as Ranma back kicked him again, this time from the ground. The Suzaku Seishi reeled back, somewhat stunned by the attack. As such he was caught unprepared as Mousse threw chains, rope and yoyo's at him. The various hidden weapons spun around tying Tasuki up where he stood. The Bandit leader struggled against the Chinese Martial Artists bindings but to no avail. CROW: If this were Miaka, I'd be cheering. But nooo, it has to be Tasuki. LINA: Maybe if you're good, Miaka will meet her untimely demise. CROW: (eagerly) You really think so? "TASUKI!!" Miaka cried TOM: (Miaka) I'm out of pretzels! Get me another bag, you worm! MIKE: (Tasuki, monotone) Yes, mistress. "Jeez that was rough!" Ranma commented. Ryoga grabbed him angrily. CROW: (Ranma) Ryouga, not there! What are you trying to do, let everybody know about us? TOM: (Mousse) I've wondered about those 'private duels' you two always have! MIKE: (looking at the 'bots) I wonder where Joel went wrong... "RANMA!! HOW DARE YOU USE ME AS A DOOR MAT. I'LL NOT ALLOW IT." CROW: It's not like everybody else doesn't. MIKE: Ryouga should consider it as a career option. You know, with the recession and everything... LINA: What do you care, Mike? It'll probably be over by the time you get back to Earth. MIKE: It's the thought that counts. The two martial artists started squabbling as Miaka stood unprotected before Shampoo. "Shampoo take girl be cured. Then Shampoo become Ranma's bride!" TOM: (starts sobbing) Even Shampoo would never stoop this low... MIKE: Don't go out on us now, Tom. TOM: I'll... I'll try, Mike. Miaka watched helpless as Shampoo lifted the Bonbori above her head and swung it towards Miaka's skull. LINA: (irritated) Well, she could consider moving! Is this really what guys think women are like? Helpless little dolls? CROW: No, actually, we mostly think of them as se - Mmmph! MIKE: (holding his hand over Crow's beak) Not another word. CROW: (nods meekly) MIKE: (releases his grip, eying Crow warily.) About a foot away from her cranium it stopped, however, as if hitting an invisible barrier. ALL: Boo! Hiss! The amazon looked at it confused as a shadow formed in front of Miaka. The Shadow BOTS: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows! solidified into a tall mystic, his staff held before him parrying Shampoo's bonbori. TOM: Chichiri's staff is very versatile, isn't it? CROW: (snickers) Yeah, I'm sure Miaka'd know all about it. MIKE & LINA: (Both scowl at the robot) "What the?" Exclaimed Ranma. LINA: (pointing wildly) See? See? There it is again! TOM: You know, Lina, you just might be right. LINA: (arrogant smirk) Of course I'm right, I'm always right. CROW: (snickers) Even about trusting Gourry with the Orihalcon statue? LINA: (scowls) Shut up! How could I have known he was that stupid? "Wh..wh..who are you?" Ryoga asked. CROW: I'm your worst nightmare - an American dubber! ALL: Nyaaaah! "Chichiri!!!" Miaka cried. TOM: (Miaka) Tasuki, why isn't he dead? You failed me again, you pitiful boot-licker! MIKE: (Tasuki,) grumble, grumble, yes mistress, (under his breath) damn brat... "Suzaku Seishi... Chichiri no da." LINA: Sorcery genius, Lina Inverse. MIKE: Trapped victim, Mike Nelson. TOM: Nitpicking maniac, Tom Servo. CROW: Lord of all he surveys, Crow T. Robot. MIKE: Now that we're all introduced, could we get on with the 'fic? Chichiri replied. " Tasuki! We're leaving no daa!" LINA: (Tasuki) But I'm not packed yet! I still have three suitcases to fill... Chichiri held his fingers up in a sutra style position CROW: (huge grin) Kama Sutra position? Yaaay! MIKE: Crow, don't make this any worse than it already is. and concentrated. The chains and ropes that bound Tasuki snapped freeing the bandit. LINA: Chichiri's very presence repulsed and disgusted them. The chains all went home and stayed in the bath for three straight days, praying they weren't infected. TOM: That was nasty, even by our standards. Tasuki leapt away from the Japanese martial artists TOM: Hold it! Aren't Mousse and Shampoo Chinese? The author said so himself! as his companion again concentrated. His chi literally exploded in all directions causing himself and his too companions to vanish without a trace. CROW: They were never seen again, and their passing was remembered only as an eyesore in the flow of history. MIKE: We can only hope. "What the hell was that" gasped Ryoga. LINA: That, dear boy, was a plot convenience. MIKE: Well no, not really. Teleportation actually is one of Chichiri's powers. Don't worry, Lina, with practice it'll come naturally. CROW: Why would you want to practice reading bad fanfiction? Nakago who had been watching the entire conflict with considerable interest cried down to his allies. MIKE: Drowning them in his tears. The end. TOM: If that were only true... "Find them! They do not know this area well so they can't have gone far. CROW: Funny, I thought Miaka was supposed to live around here. Find them and bring Suzaku no Miko to me." The four Nerima residents nodded and leapt off in pursuit of their fleeing quarry. LINA: What?! How can they pursue someone they can't see? Seek, yes, search for, yes, but pursue? TOM: Hey, nit-picking is my job! Go bug Crow or something. CROW: Thanks a lot, Servo. Hotohori sat in his chambers looking at himself in the mirror MIKE: (Hotohori) Yep, definately a receding hair line there. The feeling that Miaka was in danger was stronger now. CROW: Much as this feeling was very pleasant, he still wanted to be the one to do her in. LINA: Why do you all hate Miaka so? MIKE: Take Usagi from Sailor Moon, then subtract all redeeming characteristics and decrease her IQ, what little she has, by 20%. LINA: Whoa, that bad? MIKE & BOTS: (nod feverishly) Even after Chichiri and Tasuki had gone through the rift. The uneasy feeling mixed with an overwhelming helplessness had left the Emperor feeling Melancholy. TOM: The Infinite Sadness, however, was nowhere to be found. The Emperor examined his jaw line carefully admiring himself, but even that provided no distraction to his uneasiness. He cradled his face within his hands MIKE: (singing) Lullaby, faa-ace, just you - LINA: Mike, no. Never do that again. giving into the Melancholy. Something was going on, and he wasn't there to do anything about it. TOM: Don't worry, Hotohori. The evil of the fanfic will come for you soon enough. Hotohori sighed heavily and wished that he that had gone through the rift, and not Tasuki. CROW: He just knew that delinquent was already lying in some alley, dead drunk. He looked back up at the mirror and into the shrivelled face of Taiitsu-kun which stared back at him. LINA: Now there's something to ruin your day! "EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" MIKE: You counting, Crow? CROW: Yep. Myers is overdrawn by 10 of each letter and 3 exclamation points. TOM: Which brings his fee to $1000.01, payable to us for having to endure this drivel. Nuriko and Chiriko ran into the room, to find a super deformed Hotohori kneeling on the floor wide eyed, clutching his chest and panting heavily. ALL: (shake their heads) LINA: Super-deformity is fun in an anime, but simply doesn't work in a fanfic. "Taiitsu-kun?" Nuriko gasped. TOM: No, I'm the Wicked Witch of the West, and I want your silver shoes! (cackles insanely) MIKE: (shudders)You're a little too natural in that role, Tom. TOM: (turns to look at him) Is that so, my pretty? Hee hee hee! "Hotohori what's with you?" Taiitsu-kun cried in her gravelly voice. LINA: (Hotohori) I'm stuck in this stupid crossover! MIKE: (ditto) I found out that I really AM a woman! CROW: (ditto) And Nuriko STILL won't leave me alone! "I have become hideous!" The Narcissistic emperor whispered. LINA: (Hotohori) I gained a whole pound! Waaah, now I'll never get a boyf - I mean girlfriend. "Baka! What don't you have any guts? CROW: (evil grin, holding a knife) Let's split him open and see. Why are you tampering with forces that you have no business with?" She who manages the world asked. TOM: You mean Taiitsu-kun is a janitor? MIKE: (shrugs) It'd be more useful than her actual role in the series. "The summoning call is coming from someone in the other world. We believe the Seiryuu no Seishi will use The Four Gods Sky and Earth of that world, to summon Seiryuu." Chiriko explained. LINA: So Taiitsu-kun, who's the creator of the FY world and practically a demi-god, needs an explanation from a thirteen year old brat?! MIKE: No more Marissa Picard jokes, Crow. We've established our point. CROW: Wasn't dreaming of it. "Hmmm that can't be allowed to happen." TOM: (Taiitsu-kun) They'd cancel my senior citizen pension! "Why not?" asked Nuriko. MIKE: Finally, someone with some intelligence of their own! CROW: Who would of thought it would come from Nuriko, of all people? "'CAUSE ITS AGAINST THE RULES THAT'S WHY NOT!" yelled the old woman. LINA: In other words, because she feels like it. She thought for a minute CROW: That thought must feel pretty lonely, all alone in there. and then looked at the three Seishi. "You will have to go to the other world and stop them" Hotohori stood up serious again. MIKE: When has Hotohori ever been serious? TOM: We like to think of him as Fushigi Yuugi's longest running gag. "How?" LINA: (Taiitsu-kun) Hell if I know! That's your job, you girlie wannabe! CROW: That's Nuriko. Hotohori is the Kunou wannabe. LINA: My mistake. "Stand before the mirror and extend you hands so that they are touching its surface." Each of the Seishi did as she instructed. LINA: (Chiriko) Taiitsu-sensei, Nuriko's copying me! MIKE: (Nuriko, snarling) Shaddup, you brat! "The way will not be easy. Now think of Suzaku no Miko and your comrades. Concentrate on them on their chi let no other thoughts enter your mind, remain focused, concentrate. Now reach out with your chi into the mirror." The mirror glowed a dull red colour CROW: Belldandy! Please, come save us! MIKE: Wrong special effect, but worth a try. HELP! ALL: (wait for a few seconds) TOM: Oh well. Knowing our luck, we'd probably have gotten stuck with Keiichi anyway. and Taiitsu-kun's image faded, but her voice remained urging the three Seishi on. Suddenly there was a flash and then they were gone. TOM: Due to an unforseen glitch, however, their clothes were mysteriously left behind. Miaka and her two Suzaku Seishi raced along the street, praying that they had lost their pursuers. LINA: And for a new pony, while they were at it. "We have to find somewhere to hole up!" Tasuki cried. MIKE: That's easy. Just stand there, and Ranma will be more than happy to pound you into a hole in the ground. "Agreed na no da!" Chichiri replied. "I know just the place. It's up ahead." "Is it safe?" Tasuki asked, LINA: (Miaka) No, see, I'm leading you to your horrible deaths for no apparent reason. Of course it's safe, you baka! Miaka just grinned from ear to ear. MIKE: Ugh, her ears can sure take a lot of stretching. Two minutes later the door to Ucchan's slid open. Ukyo Kuonji looked up as Miaka and her two protectors raced into the room. CROW: (Chichiri) I won, I won! TOM: (Miaka) Tasuki, I thought I told you to tie his laces together! Can't you do anything right? MIKE: (Tasuki, irritated) Yes, mistress. "Oh Hey Sugar, you want the usual?" Ukyo asked with a familiarity, which indicated that Miaka had been here several times before. TOM: For the last time, Ucchan's is NOT in the FY world! MIKE: Tom, the author can't hear you. TOM: He will when I catch up with him! (maniacal gleam) "I shoulda guessed it would be a restaurant." Tasuki muttered. MIKE: And give the man a hand! ALL: (clap and cheer) "Kuonji-san you have to help us" Miaka begged. MIKE: (Ukkyo) Oh, of course. Everybody always comes to me with their problems, but when do I ever get any help? You're just like the rest of them! (sniffles) CROW: Aww, does Ucchan want a cookie, to make it all better? "Hey Yuuki san what's wrong?" Ukyo asked concerned. LINA: (Ukkyo) Like I care. Go bust someone else's ear drums, you parasite! TOM: (Ukkyo) I'd kick her out, but it's in my contract that I have to answer to her every whim. (looks skyward) Takahashi, take me now, please! "There are these people, if they catch us, we'll be killed." CROW: This is considered a problem? MIKE: (Miaka) I told you we shoulda stuck to credit card fraud, Chichiri you nitwit! "Wha..?" TOM: (growls) The T! He forgot it again. CROW: Next on A&E Mysteries: The Case of the Missing Letter. "Its true. We need to hide here no da." LINA: (Chichiri) We just want to crash your restaurant and eat all your food, driving you to complete and utter ruin. This isn't a problem, right? TOM: (Ukkyo) Come right in! I just love the smell of meager welfare checks in the morning. "Well sure.. I guess..." She stopped as Miaka's blue haired companion MIKE: You mean Chichiri turned into Sasami? ALL: (hum the Pretty Sammy theme, then look embarassed when they realize what they're doing) turned sharply as if sensing something. CROW: (Chichiri) The author! I can sense his evil presence. "They're coming no da. They're practically right on top of us na no da" CROW: (Miaka) But I don't feel a thing. I thought Ranma would be at least long enough to - MIKE: Give me a hand here, Lina? LINA: My pleasure. (snaps a nasty-looking whip between her knuckles) CROW: Ack! I'll be good, I promise! TOM: (whistles) Can you teach me to do that? "Hey don't worry you leave everything to me. Anyone who bullies my customers is gunna pay" Ukyo said wielding her Giant Spatula. MIKE: In the long tradition of oversized swords, such as Cloud's and Sanosuke's, we give you the next generation: the Spatula! LINA: Kind of a disappointing throwback, don'tcha think? Chichiri didn't reply but rather grabbed Miaka and Tasuki by the shoulder and the three vanished from sight. CROW: Unfortunately, though, not from this story. Ukyo looked a little stunned for a minute, but having seen stranger things in her time, she turned her attention to the door. A tall shadow appeared on the other side. TOM: Dracula? The teenage Okynomiyaki chef prepared to flatten who ever it was that would threaten her beloved customer. CROW: Say... LINA: (evil smirk) CROW: Nope! Wasn't going to say a word, not I. The door slid open to reveal... MIKE: Tsubasa? LINA: A black dragon? TOM: Captain Kirk? CROW: Bill Clinton. MIKE&BOTS: (grimace, while Lina frowns in confusion) LINA: Bill Clinton? Who's he? MIKE: You don't want to know. Ranma. "Oh Ran-chan am I glad to see you..." She cried somewhat relieved. CROW: (Ukkyo) I have this incredible pain in my b - LINA: That's it. Remind me to book an 'appointment' with Crow later today, okay Mike? CROW: I was going to say back! Really, you're as paranoid as Mike. Now give me that whip, young lady! LINA: I'm sorry... (hands over the whip without thinking). CROW: (snaps it in half) Ha! I'm free! "Ucchan listen to me this is really important." Ranma grabbed hold of Ukyo's shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. LINA: So when do the little sparkles start? This is an anime, isn't it? TOM: No, this is a fanfic. It's like an anime, but without the budget. Somewhat overwhelmed, Ukyo mesmerised stared back up at him. "I'm looking for some people." Ukyo face faulted. MIKE: Aww, poor Ucchan'll never find true love at this rate. "Wh.. Wh... What people?" CROW: (Ranma, uncoiling a LONG list) All these authors, for writing us into bad crossovers. "Two guys and a girl. MIKE: Yakko, Wakko and Dot? One of the guys has long blue hair in a fringe and a squint, TOM: Cacao? LINA: What's that got to do with chocolate? MIKE: Not that kind of cacao. He's referring to an anime character. LINA: Well, how was I supposed to know? I'm not a fanboy. TOM: Hey! the other's carrying an iron fan. The girl has hair buns ALL: Usagi! What're you doing in this 'fic? and is wearing a Jonan Academy Uniform. LINA: I thought Miaka and Yui failed the Jonan exam. MIKE: They did, but the author's only seen up to episode 28. You'll have to forgive him. CROW: Not bloody likely! Have you seen them?" Ukyo was shocked. TOM: She shouldn't be sticking her fingers in electrical outlets. Ranma was the one looking for them. It was too much to believe. Ranma was her one true love. The man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. On the other hand Miaka was just a paying customer. Admittedly one of her better customers ALL: (snicker) but.... Her pleading face flashed across Ukyo's mind. CROW: (Ukkyo) Argh! Get it out, get it out! It's chewing on my brain! "There are these people, if they catch us, we'll be killed!" LINA: Who's speaking here? "N.. No.. I haven't seen them... Why are you looking for them?" she asked TOM: (Ranma) Oh, just so we can kill them. The usual, you know. "That's not important right now. I don't really have time to explain. If you do see 'em lemme know O.K" "O..O... O.K." she replied. LINA: Gee, I wonder if Ukkyo could be hiding something? With the stuttering and all... With that Ranma turned and raced from the restaurant. As he left she couldn't help feeling that she had bitterly betrayed him. The two strangers reappeared. CROW: Although nobody asked for them. LINA: Yeah, crawl back under the rock you came from! "Whew that was close. I thought that Pig Tailed Shit was never going to leave!" Tasuki cried. Ukyo flattened him with her Spatula. ALL: YEAH! CROW: Do it again! Tasuki fell leaving a Superdeformed imprint of himself embedded in the wall. MIKE: (shakes his head) Now Dave, what did we tell you about superdeformity? All together now. ALL: DOESN'T WORK! A bright red glow emanated from the middle of the Furinken High soccer field. MIKE: Who let Ryoko loose in the school again? A family of birds resting in a tree nearby lifted into the air and flew from the scene, as three Suzaku Seishi appeared. The glow disappeared leaving Nuriko, Hotohori and Chiriko standing by the goal line. LINA: And conveniently enough, nobody notices them. What is wrong with this 'fic?! TOM: Why do you think Dr. F sent it to us? "Amazing!" muttered Nuriko "Where are we?" MIKE: In the Ranmaverse, through some unexplained plot hitch. TOM: Don't look at us, we're as confused as you are. "This must be the home world of the Miko.. " Chiriko said. LINA: (Evil martian) You will watch helplessly as we destroy your home world, earthling! CROW: Gyaaah! That brings back too many bad memories. Do't do that again! LINA: Sorry. "We must find Miaka. Quickly!" Both Nuriko and Chiriko nodded and the three began to move off only to be stopped by a challenging cry. "Halt! I can allow you to continue no further." MIKE: (voice) You have stretched the limits of stupidity far enough! The three Seishi stood ready as a man dressed in a Kendo training outfit and carrying a wooden bokken strode into the field. He lifted his bokken and pointed it clearly at Hotohori. "I cannot permit one such as you to leave these grounds!" TOM: Never thought I'd say it, but... Go, Kunou! LINA: (Kunou) You forgot your soccer field passes. Now you must face my wrath! "Who is this guy?" Nuriko asked ALL: (barely muffle laughter) LINA: Running gag A, meet running gag B. "An ally to Nakago?" Hotohori guessed. CROW: I don't think even Nakago would be desperate enough to take Kunou as an ally. TOM: (Hotohori) I'll take "Battle Fodder" for 400, Alex. "Possibly" Their thirteen year old companion, answered. Hotohori strode cautiously forward until he was clear from Nuriko and Chiriko. His opponent looked confidently at Hotohori. "I am Hotohori protector of Suzaku no Miko stand aside." TOM: Long enough name there, buddy! "Hotohori, I am oft times known as the Blue Thunder of Furinken High. I am the rising star of the Kendo world and I am without peer in combat. CROW: (Kunou) But only in the murky depths of my fantasies. I am Tatewaki Kuno, age 17! You will address me as Kuno-sempai" MIKE:(Kunou) And you will read me a bed time story, to make the monsters under the bed go away. "What a wind bag!" commented Nuriko. TOM: Kunou? You live with Hotohori, for God's sake! You know what HE's like when he gives a speech! "Kuno- sempai..?" As Emperor Hotohori had rarely had reason to address anyone as being in a higher social class than himself. Still if he could, he wanted to avoid a fight. LINA: Excuse me, but isn't he looking for a fight with the Seiryuu Seishi right now? CROW: Savour the little inconsistences, wait for the real bad ones to show up. "I have no quarrel with you. Allow us to pass!" MIKE: ...over? TOM: ...word? LINA: ...gas? CROW: ...water? LINA: Ick. "I cannot. For lo as the flower doth attract the bee so to was I drawn to you. I will not permit you to pass until you agree..... to date with me." Hotohori, Nuriko and Chiriko all fell to the ground in shock. ALL: (fall to ground in shock) LINA: Please... just tell me this isn't happening. MIKE: It's happening. Sorry. LINA: (stands up, a mad glint in her eye) Somebody's gonna pay for making me read this abomination! (jabs a finger towards the ceiling) You hear me? You're gonna pay! CROW: (looks uncomfortable) "What?" Hotohori asked incredulously. MIKE: You and me both, buddy. "I cannot permit a woman of such beauty as yourself to pass through these grounds without first allowing you the privilege of a date. ALL: (clear throats noisily) CROW: I don't think this qualifies as one of the brighter moments in Kunou's career. Come Hotohori my long haired beauty, surrender yourself to me and together we....." Nuriko hit Kuno into orbit. MIKE: (NASA operator) Yep, Bob, we've finally got the Hubble telescope repaired and... wait a minute, there's something hurtling towards it! A guy in a Kendo outfit... ouch, he just slammed into the lens... uh... (pause) Hey Bob, what was our budget for the Hubble again? "If anyone will be dating Hotohori sama it will be me!" Nuriko said. Exasperated Hotohori covered his eyes regally with his hand. TOM: (Hotohori) And when I take away my hand, I will be in Hawaii instead of this fanfic. I must concentrate! After a moment the emperor sighed heavily and looked up at Chiriko. LINA: 'Up'? Isn't Chiriko shorter than him? CROW: The brat's been in the growth hormones again. "It is good to see that I am as beautiful on this world as I was in the last." The two other Seishi fell to the ground. MIKE: (random Seishi) Make.. the hurting... stop. CROW: Not likely as long as this crossover lasts. "Nakago what are you doing here?" Yui accused. Nakago prostrated himself before his Miko. LINA: (Nakago) I came to take you to see the Teddy Bears' Big Picnic. I'm getting back in touch with my childhood. TOM: Nakago never had a childhood. His entire tribe was butchered when he was just a little boy. ALL: (sniffle) "I am fulfilling my duty as Seishi, Yui-sama. I have travelled to this world to protect you from the Suzaku Seishi. As is my destiny." CROW: (Nakago) That, and I'm finally getting a Play Station! "What are you talking about? The Suzaku Seishi would never actively attack me." TOM: Even if they should have a few times. LINA: Would've solved a lot of problems, when you think about it. "Can you be so sure?" He asked a little smugly "Why then were we forced to chase them into this world? Why have they come to this world?" MIKE: Because a certain author subjected them to a horrendous plot contrivance of unpreceeded proportions. CROW: May their souls finally find peace. Yui didn't have an answer to his question. LINA: Does she ever? CROW: No. The only person in Fushigi Yuugi stupider than Yui is Miaka, which isn't saying a lot. Instead she just looked at him hatefully. MIKE: Whatever happened to "Love the sinner, hate the sin"? TOM: Unlike you, Mike, most of us don't have our minds stuck back in Sunday school. The roles between the two were different now. LINA: It was Nakago's turn to play the fluffy baby chick. ALL: (unsuccessfully try to keep from snickering). Yui was no longer the scared and vulnerable girl that she had been, when they had first met. She was stronger now, and Nakago's influence upon her was weaker. TOM: What, in Dave Myers' fanfic? What just happened? CROW: Savour it while it lasts, 'cause it won't for long. But still the master manipulator managed to twist the truth into that which was most convenient to his own goals. MIKE: Good call, Crow. CROW: Know'em like the back of my circuit. "Miaka would never allow them to harm me." Yui retorted. MIKE: (Yui) I bribe her with my lunch money. "Can you be so sure that she could stop them?" Yui remembered Tasuki attacking Suboshi and herself. There had been no restraint in his attack. He'd had no concern for her welfare. TOM: She hadn't received her check in months. Despite this doubt she replied "Yes." Nakago stared at her for a long minute. She felt like shrinking under his gaze. MIKE: Next in a series of bad sequels: "Honey, I shrunk the Miko!" CROW: Shh, Mike! Don't give them any ideas. He was so intimidating, but despite this she stood tall and stared back. "Despite what you may think, we are your protectors. We will not allow them to harm you." LINA: (Nakago) And if you believe that, I've got a bridge to sell you. Yui stared back at him. MIKE: (Yui) Did you know you're getting a pimple on your nose? CROW: (Nakago) Aah! A pimple on my perfect nose! Get it off! LINA: Hey, that's Hotohori's schtick, not Nakago's. His tone made it clear that he was being anything but heroic. There was almost a sinister edge to his soft voice. Nakago turned to leave, half way to the door, however, he stopped and turned his head. "Tell me Yui-sama, where is the National library?" "Library?" MIKE: Yes, that's what he said! For the last time, either get a hearing aid or learn sign language! LINA: Sign language wouldn't be such a problem. This fanfic could only improve. Just as Nakago prepared to reply, Gosunkugi approached the two. "Excuse me.. Nakago um.. we have a bit of a problem...." TOM: (Gosunkugi) Suboshi forgot to take Ashitare for a walk, and... MIKE: (Nakago) Ah, man! And I just bought that carpet last week. "How did you get here? Is Tamahome here?" Miaka asked excitedly in between mouths full of Okynomiyaki. LINA: Hey, how come she gets food and I don't? I'm hungry! MIKE: Here (throws a bag of fluffy white objects into her lap). This is a local delicacy called popcorn. It's traditional to eat this while watching movies, but a fanfic is close enough. CROW: (leans over and whispers to him) How'd you know to bring some? MIKE: (smiles) The idea came to me as soon as I heard the name Lina Inverse. Chichiri smiled and cocked his head to one side. It was Tasuki who replied though. "Ha! We don't need Oni-boy to protect you Miaka! So we left him behind." Miaka face dropped at the news. ALL: Ewwww! CROW: You pick that face back up this minute, young lady! "He's on his way Miaka no da. He left before I could get to him. TOM: (Chichiri) He cannot be assimilated. He must be destroyed. He's on the way to the palace as we speak na no da." Miaka grinned at this. Meanwhile Ukyo watched the exchange. Something didn't sit right here, the moreshe thought about it the less sense it made. CROW: You're in a bad fanfic. Dammit, Ukkyo, you've been in them enough to recognize the unique blend of shoddy writing, lame plot, and horrendous grammar. MIKE: Well, this one's okay, if you ignore the 'lame plot' bit. Ranma was no killer, TOM: Finally, someone with a sense of how the characters work! why were these people running from him? The blue haired guy seemed nice enough, however she'd taken a disliking to the red headed guy in the trench-coat. LINA: Just like the rest of us. TOM: I liked him in the series, but here he's just getting on my nerves. CROW: (snickers) Fanboy. TOM: Like you've never watched FY, you Miaka fan! CROW: You take that back, Servo! TOM: Make me! (Mike and Lina sigh as the 'bots start squabbling with each other.) "He's really coming?" She cried showering her two friends in Okynomiyaki. MIKE & BOTS: (stare at Lina stuffing her face with popcorn, showering them in stray kernels) LINA: (between mouthfuls) What? MIKE & BOTS: (shake their heads.) "Yeah he's coming, and when he gets here we'll show that pig tailed shit a thing or two." That was it, she didn't have to listen to this in her restaurant.They were planning to attack her fiancee. Well then there was only one thing to do. BOTS: (chanting) Kill... them... kill... them... MIKE: It's amazing, the violence bad crossovers can bring out in us. ... "Yuuki-san I have a delivery I have to make. MIKE: (Ukkyo) It's a package addressed to a certain David Myers. I still can't figure out what that ticking sound inside is all about, though... So can you watch over the shop while I'm gone?" Ukyo asked. TOM: (looks horrified) Leave Miaka in charge of... an okynomiyaki shop?! LINA: That's like giving Tamahome the key to a bank vault. Miaka nodded, enthusiastically. CROW: I'll bet she does! "Thanks sugar, I'll be back shortly" Ukyo said glaring at Tasuki. She then turned and hurried from the store. TOM: Gratefully disappearing from the fanfic, vowing never to set foot in it again. MIKE: We all hope so for her sake. "You didn't answer my question though. MIKE: (Miaka) How long have you been stuck in this lame crossover attempt? LINA: (Miaka) How long have you been a girl? TOM: (Miaka) Why were you and Tasuki dancing the Macarena naked during the ceremony? CROW: (well, who do you think?) Just what WERE you and Nuriko doing in the garden that night? You know, with all the moaning and - MIKE: Crow! How did you get into this world?" Miaka asked MIKE: Through a plot contrivance. I thought we'd been over this already! "It seems there is a doorway which Seishi can use to travel to this world na no da." TOM: But you have to wipe your feet before coming in. "Really?" LINA: (Chichiri)No, we're just talking for the fun of making our mouths move. Of course it's true, you Usagi wannabe! "Mmmmna no da. CROW: He must be chewing Dentyne (TM)! MIKE: There we go, shameless product endorsement #1! You writing this down, Tom? TOM: Ohhh yeah. CROW: But it's not in the story! It doesn't count. LINA: (frowns) What's a product? MIKE&BOTS: (stare at her for a few moments, then shake their heads) LINA: What did I say? Nakago is using it to summon the Seiryuu Seishi no da. We think he is going to use the Four Gods Sky and Earth CROW: But no Water or Fire. They just aren't good enough for him! of this world to summon Seiryuu no da." LINA: I should be in this fanfic. Dragon slayer Lina, exterminates all oversized lizards for a fee of thirty gold pieces. CROW: Thirty gold? That seems a small price to pay. LINA: Well, that's not including room and board, and living expenses, and occupational hazards,and an old age pension, and health benefits, and a bonus for being so darn pretty, and... CROW: I'm sorry I asked. "Can he do that?" MIKE: Only in the author's strange, warped little mind. "If he gets the book he could. Its imperative that he doesn't get to The Four Gods Sky and Earth before he does no da." ALL: Huh? TOM: How can Nakago get something before he gets it? That made no sense! LINA: Does anything in this fanfic make sense? Chichiri replied seriously. "What if we have this?" Tasuki replied holding up the scroll of summoning. LINA: (rereads the last sentence, then turns slowly to Crow) You were holding a scroll when I got transported, weren't you? CROW: (cowers) Uhh... LINA: It's your fault I'm stuck having my brain warped by a hideous crossover! I'll teach you to mess with sorceresses! (she extends her left arm, and a thin beam of golden light materializes on it, then expands to form a glowing bow. As she draws back her right arm, an arrow of jagged energy forms. She points it at the robot, with a malicious grin.) FLARE - CROW: (holds up a packet) I got you a snack! LINA: (stops in the middle of her attack cry. She raises an eyebrow, confused, as the flare arrow pulsates dangerously above her arm) A snack? For me? CROW: (nods desperately) LINA: (the magic instantly dissipates, and Lina snatches the packet from Crow) Yay! Chocolate-covered peauts, my favorite! (shoves the entire contents into her mouth all at once). MIKE&BOTS: (sigh in relief) "Where did you get that na no da" TOM: (Tasuki) In a garage sale. It cost me a nickel. MIKE: Hey, you get what you pay for. "I swiped it from that weedy kids room. LINA: 'Weedy'? Get this, Gosunkugi's a weed! TOM: (ponders) Dandelion or ragweed? CROW: No wonder he's always getting under Ranma's feet! If he doesn't have all seven Seishi then he can't summon Seiryuu right." MIKE: That implies he can summon Seiryuu wrong. Wonder what that would be like? "Hmmmm that's helpful.. but we don't know if he couldn't use the book to the same effect na no da." TOM: (screeching) No, no, no! The book transports Mikos to the FY world, not Seishi to the Ranmaverse! Dave Myers, you will die for this outrage! LINA: Mike, you better do something... MIKE: (panicking) Uh.. uh... (Suddenly Tom sits down, looking completely calm and composed) CROW: Servo, you okay? TOM: Yeah. This is so hideous, I've given up. It's just too wrong. "The we gotta go after it!" Tasuki cried MIKE: (Tasuki, crying) Waah! But I don't wanna have my ass kicked by Nakago! "No! There's too much heat out there no da. LINA: And none of you are wearing sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or more. CROW: For shame! If we all go they'll track us down for sure na no da." "But if Nakago gets the book..."Miaka left the sentence hanging. TOM: (sentence) Wheee! Bungee jumping is fun! "It cant be helped no da. We have to wait until it cools down out there. CROW: (Chichiri) The next Ice Age is only a couple million years away. Until then we'll have to sit tight no da." Neither Miaka nor Tasuki seemed very pleased with this notion. LINA: (Miaka) How tight do we have to sit? My butt's starting to hurt... MIKE: Lina? No. That was just bad. "I need to go to the bathroom. Wait for me here O.K!" Miaka cried enthusiastically and ran for the back room. LINA: Whoa, big enough mood swing. TOM: That's Miaka, all right. Attention span the equivalent of a Looney toon's. Tasuki and Chichiri stood up a little surprised at her sudden outburst but they sat down again as she headed for the backroom. Tasuki shook his head before crying exasperated. MIKE: We feel your pain, Tasuki old buddy. "Women!" CROW: (Tasuki) They always insist on leaving the toilet seat down! His companion just smiled and said in return. "Yes I've missed her too no da" MIKE: That's great, because we sure haven't. Meanwhile Miaka had left through the rear entrance. "Gomen Tasuki, Gomen Chichiri! But I stand a better chance of finding the scroll by myself. If we all go we'll be spotted for sure. TOM: (Miaka) Whereas if I'm alone, I'm instant fodder for any Seiryuu Seishi who happens to be prowling around. CROW: This is a problem? If I'm alone I can blend into the crowd. I'll be careful I promise." Miaka said to the door. CROW: She was disappointed when the door didn't answer back. Clearly, it was shy. Then turning she sped towards the train station which would take her to the National library. BOTS: (singing) One, two, three! Train with me! Ranma, Ryoga, Shampoo and Mousse were all seated around a small table drinking tea on the top of the Tendo Dojo roof. TOM: They're sitting around a table, drinking tea, ON A ROOF?! MIKE: Since they have Shampoo, maybe it's made of hot tin. LINA: (snickers) Let's see if anyone catches that reference. Shampoo sipped her tea as Ryoga slammed his fist on the table. CROW: That would be enough to crush it into sawdust. C'mon, this is a guy who can leave hand prints in solid stone! "This is not right! These are not the actions of an honourable martial artist." TOM: Yes, they finally realize! Hallelujah! LINA: (frowns) This is weird. The author's actually trying to fix plot holes in his own fanfic! MIKE: Maybe he isn't evil, after all! "Aw C'mon Ryoga, I don't like it either, but what choice have we got. CROW: Well, let's see. You COULD go back to bed and forget this ever happened... LINA: But you won't, will you? TOM: Of course not. That's against the spirit of bad fanfics. If we wanna be cured we gotta do what that blonde Gaijin says." Ranma argued. TOM: Blonde Gaijin... LINA: Gourry, maybe? CROW: No, Madonna. "The only thing is Saotome, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the cost of the cure will be too high." The Chinese martial artist said thoughtfully. MIKE: (Mousse, childlike) I want to keep my Teddy Ruxpin doll! He can't have it! "What the heck are you talking about?" LINA: Hey, leave Mousse alone. He's actually making sense. "If you're wise you'll listen to what I have to say Ranma Saotome." Mousse said grabbing Ryoga by the shoulders. Ryoga grabbed his blind companion roughly by the arm and spun him until he was facing Ranma. "What this blonde Gaijin asks may cause us to be cured, but at what price. I have no problem fighting this girls protectors, TOM: (Mousse) Attacking innocent bystanders is fun! but to attack the girl herself...." MIKE: Why not? You're so out-of-character now, it wouldn't make a difference. "You're right, and why is it I always feel like a pawn in a chess game whenever I'm talking to him." Ryoga added CROW: At least Nakago hasn't demanded they start dressing in white and black. LINA: Yet. "Mmmm and what with funny armour?" Shampoo asked. MIKE: It's a law or something. All anime villains must have garish armor with oversized shoulder plates. CROW: For your consideration: Zagato, Don Genosai, Lord Faust, and Ashram. LINA: Also Rezo. 'Nuff said. "I gotta admit I got my own doubts." Ranma thought out loud. TOM: Slowly sounding out the words as he labouriously formed them in his mind. "Look Saotome, we all want to be cured, some of us even more so than you. But I have misgivings about dealing with that Gaijin, they're not to be trusted. ALL: (clap and cheer) MIKE: They're finally figuring it out! BOTS: C'mon, c'mon, please... All I'm saying is that...." Mousse' voice trailed off as a haunting melody from a flute began to whisper over the four martial artists. LINA: Melodies whisper? MIKE: (shrugs) Why not? The wind seems to, in many fanfics. "Flute?" said Ryoga somewhat dazedly. The Melody CROW: Yes, the Melody!™ continued for awhile and the four reluctant comrades stared at each other enjoying the tune. After a minute the flute stopped playing. Ranma blinked twice and then turned to Mousse. "I'll do whatever it takes to be cured." ALL: Nooooo! MIKE: Did I say the author might not be evil? I take it back. "You're right!" added Ryoga "We're so close to a cure after so long. I'm not going to let a stupid thing like honour stand in my way." MIKE: Any comments to add, Tom? TOM: No, the author's taking all the fun out of it. "Shampoo be cured then she marry Ranma" the amazon warrior said in her high pitched voice ALL: (cover ears) Aigh! LINA: She's been in the helium again. "Agreed then" said Mousse. Ranma and Ryoga clenched hands in a comradeship grasp and Ryoga vowed. MIKE: To win Akane's heart? TOM: To save Cefiro? CROW: To brush his teeth more often? LINA: To finally work himself up and ask for a sex-change operation? CROW: (indignant) Hey, you're stealing my lines! LINA: (smirks) "Ranma we must work together to find a cure!" CROW: (Ryouga) To our impotence! MIKE: Crow! "You're right P-Chan." Ranma replied with mocking seriousness. "Who are you calling P-Chan!" Ryoga said as he hit Ranma off the roof. LINA: With Ranma always calling Ryouga that, you'd think Akane would eventually catch on. MIKE: Yet another unexplained of Ranma 1/2. Amiboshi lowered his pipe and watched almost sadly as Ranma and Ryoga began punching each other. TOM: Damn you, Amiboshi! Damn you to hell! MIKE: Now relax, Tom. It's not his fault he's being shamelessly used in a bad fanfic. He's a victim, like the rest of us. TOM: Gosh, Mike, I never looked at it that way. (sniffles) Poor guy... LINA: Save your cursing for the guy who really deserves it. We know who we're talking about! His spell would not last long, but he would recast it later. CROW: Apparently, Amiboshi doesn't have anything better to do with his life then follow people around playing his flute. Unhappyhe looked up as a young woman leapt onto the roof. MIKE: Birdy the Mighty? LINA: (groans) Oh no, not Amelia! TOM: Hinako-sensei? CROW: Cutey-Honey! (drools) Ranma and his companions turned to see Ukyo walking hesitantly towards them. Ranma struggled to get up from underneath Ryoga's pounding's. "Ucchan?" CROW: (Ranma) Not now! I told you we'd do it behind the gym d- MIKE: Crow... "Ah Ran-Chan ummm those people you were looking for... I know where they are..." she mumbled. TOM: In Never-Never land! Miaka leapt from the train CROW: ...tripping over her shoelaces, and bashing her head against the concrete. She was hospitalized for four days, but no one even noticed she was gone. MIKE: Nasty mood, Crow? and ran towards the library. There was no longer the threat of having to deal with Nakago's new allies TOM: Because we all know the Ranma cast never goes to the Library. CROW: Yeah, they're always too busy pounding each other. but she wanted to get the book out of the library before Nakago himself came looking for it. She leapt up the steps, and ran into the library. LINA: Wouldn't that hurt? MIKE: Maybe the library's made of padded walls. CROW: Just perfect for Miaka and her ilk! Miaka paused for a minute to catch her breath and then ran towards the Important Documents Reference room. LINA: Oh look, it's all nicely labelled and everything. CROW: I wonder if there's an Unimportant Documents Reference room. She climbed halfway up the first flight of stairs and then she stopped. TOM: She finally realized the absurdity of this fanfic? She reached into her pocket and bringing out a handful of coins ran back down the stairs to the juice machine. She smiled contentedly as she sucked up the last of the juice, CROW: Heh heh heh. MIKE: I don't even wanna know. then throwing it in the bin she ran back up the stairs. Her entrance though had not gone unnoticed as a shadowy figure watched her from behind a book shelf.Smiling evilly the figure followed Miaka up the stairs. LINA: Hey, how can we tell it's smiling if it's a shadowy figure? Wouldn't the face be obscured? MIKE: Here's the same advice I always give to Tom: smile and nod. It's less painful. Fortunately the door to the important documents reference room was unlocked. MIKE: All together now! ALL: Plot convenience detected! Red alert! TOM: That's like what, number 6000 so far? Miaka ran into the room and stopped. She could feel the books power calling to her. LINA: (book) Miaka... you will read me... CROW: (Miaka) Okay! (starts making chomping sounds) LINA: (book) Argh! I said read, not eat! You illiterate! Almost unwillingly she felt her body being drawn to the book. CROW: Since when do books get horny? MIKE: Crow! It wasalmost like, the sweet and irresistible scent of Nichome Obraan, it was impossible to resist. Slowly she stepped forward as the book glowed red from its place on the shelf. MIKE: The Necrocomnicon! TOM: The Octavo! LINA: The Malificius Malificiorum! CROW: The World's Greatest Dirty Jokes! MIKE&LINA: (groan) She reached over and taking it in her hand she pulled it from the shelf. The Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho, the Book of the Four Gods Sky and Earth. LINA: Stupid question: if the book's in Chinese, and set in ancient China, then how come all the characters have Japanese names? MIKE: One of the great unexplaineds of Fushigi Yuugi. It seemed so long ago that she and Yui had opened this book and been transported to the world within the book, and now those that existed within the book had escaped and were roaming the streets of her world. She clasped the book to her breast CROW: (snickers) I bet that book's having a great time... LINA: It's a BOOK, Crow! Paper and ink. It doesn't have a libido! and turned to leave. A shadowy figure stood at the door, however, barring her way. TOM: With monowire, which it promptly threw foward, slicing Miaka into a dozen pieces. The end. MIKE: Now Tom, do you want your dark humour modulator checked again? TOM: (whimpers) CROW: Now you scared poor Servo, Mike! I hope you're proud! The figure reached across and held his Ryuseisui up threateningly. "Thankyou Suzaku no Miko. I would never have been able to find the book without you." MIKE: Wonder how long he's been waiting around the library. LINA: It's like all these Seishi have absolutely nothing to do with their time. Suboshi smiled evilly at her. She was trapped there was no where to run. Slowly she backed away towards the shelf at the end of the room. Suboshi took a step into the room. He then looked somewhat thoughtfully off to one side, TOM: Maybe he's finally realized that he needs professional psychiatric help. You know, for being a complete sociopath. LINA: Not gonna happen in this life time. then grinning cruelly he turned and threw his weapon at her. "RYUSEISUI!" Its razor like hairs spun rapidly as the small but deadly weapon flew towards her. MIKE&BOTS: (snicker) MIKE: We've already made our point on this one. LINA: You did? CROW: Yeah. Way back in Chapter 1. LINA: Poopie. I feel left out now. She cried out in fright and leapt off to one side behind the bookshelves as Suboshi's weapon Shredded the books in the shelf that had been behind her. MIKE: They're in a public library during daylight hours! Wouldn't anybody notice the screaming and come to check it out? CROW: What, in a fanfic? Surely you jest, Mike. Desperately she ran three shelves along and hid behind another one of the shelves. LINA: Funny, I don't remember the Documents room being so big. It was, as always, dark in the reference room and she hoped the shadows would help to hide her. CROW: However, the shadows were in a bad mood that day, and refused to have any contact with her at all. She'd been such a fool, why hadn't she been more careful? TOM: Look who's finally getting a brain! CROW: It's... it's a miracle! Why had she come alone, when she knew it was so dangerous. More than anything she wished Tamahome was here. But unfortunately he wasn't so she'd just have to get by without him, she thought. MIKE: She makes it sound as if Tamahome was just a convenient dish cloth or something. LINA: Well, that description isn't too far off the mark. A clock on the opposite wall ticked rhythmically BOTS: (singing) I feel the rhythm of the night! as time passed. Her own heartbeat was deafening and she forced herself to hold her breath, so as not to reveal her location. LINA: Ah c'mon, there's only a couple of shelves! Suboshi would have to be a real idiot not to be able to find her! MIKE: (clears throat) LINA: Oh, of course. Sorry. Suboshi was a killer, of that she had no doubt. Although only fifteen, like herself, this young warrior had little remorse and would happily slay her TOM: No connection to the fact that Suboshi blames her for both Amiboshi's 'death' and Yui's supposed rape, of course. CROW: No, no connection at all! and take the book from her dying hands. MIKE: If I had a maniac after me, I'd be worried about a lot more than just my hands dying. She ran out of breath and exhaled slowly so as to make as little noise as possible. Other than the ticking of the clock the room was silent. TOM: Tick... Tick... Tick... Tick.. LINA: (snaps) Stop that! It's getting on my nerves. Where was he? Surely he couldn't have left. MIKE: Maybe he found a way out of this fanfic. CROW: And he's not sharing? Bastard! She felt her curiosity rise but she suppressed it not wishing to make this any easier for the young Seiryuu Seishi than it already was. Still there was no sound. No sign of him at all. LINA: Well, except for the "Out for lunch, will be back at 6:00. Love, Suboshi" note tacked on the door. In a strange way that frightened Miaka more than if he'd been standing in front of her. TOM: Um, why? If he was in front of her, he'd tear her to bits. MIKE: Since when did Miaka ever make sense? Worriedly she looked from side to side, making sure he wasn't at either end of the shelf. There was no sign of him. CROW: But dead Uncle Bernie rattled the door handle, reaching from beyond the next life. LINA: Huh? CROW: Never mind. Then she heard it. MIKE: The Spice Girls concert next door... MIKE&BOTS: (shudder) LINA: Who are the Spice Girls? TOM: Remember what we told you about Bill Clinton? LINA: That I didn't want to know? TOM: Right. Well, the same applies here. The sounds of footsteps soft and padded CROW: Shampoo-neko? slapped against the floor came from the door to the room. She listened as they clapped over and over again LINA: Applause? MIKE: Certainly not for this fanfic. on the hard floor. Moving slowly but deliberately across the room.Then they stopped and it was silent again. Except for the soft ticking of the clock. TOM: Tick... tick... tick... LINA: STOP IT! Miaka once again wished that her heart beat wasn't so loud. Then tragedy struck her stomach BOTS: Yaaay! MIKE: Hit her again! grumbled. She put her hand over her mouth trying to suppress the noise. LINA: How could covering your mouth stop your stomach from rumbling? CROW: Maybe she'll eat her hand. MIKE: Uck. Oh god she was dead she knew it. TOM: What? Dammit, I missed Miaka's death. I'll never live this down! Betrayed once again by her own appetite. He must have heard it, she thought. But still the clock ticked. LINA: (stares warningly at the red robot) TOM: What? I wasn't going to say anything. Seconds passed and still nothing happened. Maybe he didn't here it, she thought,as the Ryuseisui exploded from the bookshelf behind her. CROW: Don't know what Suboshi was rubbing against to make that happen. MIKE: CROW! CROW: Ah, bite me Nelson! The spinning weapon flew from the bookshelf cutting her shoulder as it spun past, shredding books in it's path. Involuntarily she screamed out in pain and shock. Suboshi's weapon flew through the next bookshelf and then was jerked back by the young warrior. Miaka crawled along the ground towards the door. Again the Ryuseisui exploded from the bookshelves this time above her head, showering her in shredded paper. MIKE: I wonder how much that'll cost in public funding! CROW: Next time there's an increase in taxes, folks, you know who to blame! Again she screamed. LINA: Scream, scream, scream. That's all she ever does. CROW: And I know what you did last summer. LINA: (shrugs) So? CROW: (sighs) You're hopeless! "TAMAHOME!!!!" CROW: Oh look, intense EXCLAMATION ACTION!!!! ALL: (Ooh and aah appropriately) she cried out desperately. She got to her feet LINA: She'd been storing them in a separate container. and ran desperately towards the far wall. The Seiryuu weapon appeared again through the books shelf. But this time it hovered in the shelf, ripping and tearing at the old monograph within. Miaka dashed past it desperately, but then it started following her ripping, tearing, shredding and destroying every book that it crossed. CROW: It's the Nothing! TOM: (sniggers) Softie. CROW: Shut up, Servo! Nothing could stop it, bible's, Articles, Journals, documents, scrolls all were destroyed by the terrible weapon. TOM: He even got through War and Peace! MIKE: Now how obscure was that? Miaka ran and tripped as the Ryuseisui shot from the shelf and flew over her head. She screamed and was again on her feet running for the door. As she rounded the corner, however, Suboshi was standing by the door waiting for her. CROW: (Suboshi, as Duke Nukem) Damn, I'm good! "This is farewell Suzaku no Miko!" He said grinning smugly. "Oh no.. I'll be killed." MIKE: And only now she realizes... She closed her eyes "Tamahome!" LINA: He's not here! Get over it, already. "Miiiiiaaaaaaakaaaaaaa!" Hotohori screamed as he rushed into the room. He swung his sword at Suboshi who nimbly leapt out of the way. CROW: (snarling) Not Suboshi, you dumbass! Get Miaka! He crouched on the ground in a combat position, holding his weapon in each hand. Hotohori leveled his sword into a similar position CROW: First balls, now swords. This is becoming more like a lemon with every passing second! and snarled. "You attacked Suzaku no Miko. That deserves death!" MIKE: (Hotohori) You didn't have to suffer through 40 episodes with her! If anybody's going to kill her, it's gonna be me! "Hotohori!" Miaka cried relieved. LINA: Relieved of what? CROW: Her underpants? MIKE: (scolding) Bad Crow! Hentai is a no-no! Suboshi rose to his feet slowly, looking at Hotohori cautiously. He more than anyone knew the price of underestimating an enraged Suzaku Seishi. He readied his weapon to attack. Before he could, however, the entire bookshelf beside him tipped and fell crushing him underneath. ALL: (clap and cheer) Now Hotohori! Please? Nuriko stood on the other side of the bookshelf with his arms out, indicating that he had caused the bookshelf to tipover. MIKE: Otherwise, we might not have guessed. LINA: Just how stupid does the author think we are? CROW: He's probably assuming that we have roughly his level of intelligence. ALL: (nod sagely) "Oh hohohohoh LINA: Who let Naga into this 'fic? MIKE: It's probably just Kodachi. the bookshelf must have been mouldy" He said trying to shift the blame for the mess onto something else. CROW: We all know who the real blame belongs to. LINA: Of course, we won't mention any names, Dave Myers. "Nuriko!" Miaka cried delighted and she ran to her friend. The two clasped hands and jumped up and down on the spot yelling "Wai Wai Wai!". TOM: I think I'm going to be sick... Then Miaka joyously called out "Nuriko you still being gay" to which Nuriko responded "Miaka you still being stupid!" CROW: They speak the truth! Chiriko appeared beside Hotohori MIKE: (Hotohori, clutching hand to chest) Gyaah! Don't DO that! and the two smiled happily at their reunion. Its was then that the young Seiryuu Seishi struck. CROW: Killing all the Suzaku Seishi and putting an end to this loathsome 'fic. TOM: I wish. He barged into the unsuspecting Hotohori and leapt off down the stairs. Miaka concerned ran to her fallen protector. MIKE: (Miaka as geek) Gee whiz, I hope my pocket protector did not get scratched. Huh huh. "Hotohori? Are you alright." LINA: No, he's all wrong. "Mmm yes he took me by surprise. I'll be fine I'm not seriously hurt. CROW: (Hotohori, drawing sword) You, on the other hand... LINA: Enough Miaka jokes, guys. They're getting old. Where are Chichiri and Tasuki?" TOM: (Hotohori) For Suzaku's sake, you didn't lead them to a bar, did you? MIKE: (Miaka) No, Tasuki's back at Ucchan's trying to get drunk on Listerine. "They're here, I'll take you to them. How did you find me" CROW: (Hotohori) easy, we just followed the trail of discarded bubble gum wrappers. "Simple really" replied Chiriko "We asked for directions" TOM: So people freely give directions to long-haired sword nuts, incredibly strong drag queens and obnoxious thirteen-year-olds, all dressed in ancient Chinese style? MIKE: Well, this is the Ranmaverse. They'd actually be pretty close to normal by its standards. Miaka fell to the ground in shock. TOM: Isn't shock a medical condition when the blood stops flowing to the brain? CROW: Then shock is Miaka's normal condition. What's all the fuss about? Chichiri sat uneasily as Tasuki paced. LINA: (Chichiri) Tasuki, I do wish you'd get out of that spandex. CROW: (Tasuki) Shut up! Bandits always have perfect fashion sense. "Where is she. She's been gone way too long!" Tasuki complained. MIKE: Are you sure you want her back? TOM: Tasuki, I never knew you were a masochist! "Mmm She's tricked us again no da. LINA: You guys really aren't very bright, are you? She must have gone for the book." "We have to help her." MIKE: Just give her a slight push off the edge of the bridge. That'll do just fine. "We can't" his blue haired companion replied. "We don't know where she went na no da." CROW: Just follow the Yellow Brick Road. ALL: (link arms) We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz! "I hate this! It'll be a poor example for me as a man if she's attacked." MIKE: No, it's a poor example for you as a man that she HASN'T been attacked yet. "I know, but there's nothing we can do na no da" Chichiri said feeling restless and frustrated. LINA: This fanfic stinks! MIKE: I know, but there's nothing we can do. ALL: (feel restless and frustrated) "They're in there all right!" Ryoga said from outside Ucchan's. How do you want to do this?" MIKE: Well, you could subcontract it to the Dark Kingdom. LINA: After all, judging from this fanfic, they both specialize in terrorizing civilians who have never done them harm. "Easy we charge in there and kick the hell out of them!" Ranma replied. MIKE: (Ranma) Brute force is always better than a plan! "But wont the red haired guy just attack us with his fan?" asked Mousse TOM: (Ranma) Ah, what kind of wuss fights with a paper fan? "mm and wont blue hair man escape again." LINA: Excuse me? Who's saying this? MIKE: Probably Shampoo. The bad grammar points to that conclusion. "I think we need a plan that's a bit better than that." Ryoga said sceptically. "O.K, O.K.. umm hey I got it. CROW: That sure didn't take long. We'll let our curses work for us." Ranma said TOM: Ah yes, Ranma - the master of the obvious. "What you talking?" asked Shampoo. ALL: He said, "WE'LL LET OUR CURSES WORK FOR US!" (Lina pulls out a parchement scrap and jots something down). MIKE: Lina, what ARE you doing? LINA: I'm taking down names, so I can send them to a priest back home. Deafness is curable by white magic, you know. CROW: Unfortunately, stupidity is not. "They haven't seen us in our cursed forms, if we sneak in there in cursed form,they won't recognise us." "Ahhh Ranma you so smart." LINA: Since when is stating the obvious considered smart? TOM: Actually, it works for the 'intelligent' group member in most anime. They simply say what everybody else is too excited/stupid to see. CROW: For your consideration, Fuu from MKR, and Ami from Sailor Moon. "You got that right!" he replied cockily. CROW: Meaning his cock was - LINA: (glares at the robot) CROW: (gulps) Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. MIKE: Could you teach me to do that, Lina? LINA: (smiles) Sure thing. Just remember to look vicious. "Make perfect husband for Shampoo." MIKE: I was wondering when that comment was going to come. Ranma face faulted. Mousse looked darkly at the two before replying. "There is only one problem with your plan." TOM: (Mousse) You forgot to say 'Mother may I.' Ranma looked at him confused as Mousse poured water upon both Ranma and Shampoo. "C..c..c.c..cat!" CROW: Woohoo! Cat Fist Fu! Shampoo neko leapt onto Ranma chan who immediately freaked and ran screaming into Ucchans. TOM: Yet more evidence pointing to the innate evil of cats. Before she knew it she had run through the room and leapt into Tasuki's arms. Tasuki looked at the small red headed girl before him in shock. Ranma looking equally shocked, looked up at Tasuki trying to figure out exactly what had happened. ALL: (stare at screen, trying to figure out exactly what happened in the author's twisted mind) The two stared at each other for a moment before Ranma grabbed Tasuki in a fierce hug. "I love you!" she cried. ALL: (gag) LINA: Tell me this isn't happening... What the hell, this always worked for Ryoga. ALL: (sighs of relief) MIKE: It's not happening. LINA: Thank you, Mike. "WHAT THE? GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" Tasuki screamed. MIKE: Ooh, such language! CROW: And in front of young ladies, too. It wasn't working, no matter just so long as he stayed distracted. TOM: (Ranma) I can do magic tricks! Look, look! "Do girls with pig tails displease you?" she said in a sweet and innocent voice. As she did she noticed Mousse flapping into the room. Moving into position against squint boy, who was watching Ranma and Tasuki with a mixture of interest curiosity and bemusement. ALL: (read this section of the 'fic, bored and yet somehow amused beyond description) Mousse was in place time to strike. LINA: Just what the hell is 'place time'? CROW: A variation of 'Space-Time.' "It's not that" cried Tasuki "I abhor all women." LINA: (clenches her fist in an unconcious reflex.) Chichiri rocked back CROW: And forth, back and forth... in shock. The enemies chi, it was in the room. It was.... MIKE: Yellow with pink polka dots? Coming from that girl. MIKE: Somehow I was expecting more. LINA: That's the general feeling this fanfic leaves you with. "Tasuki look out no da! It's a trap no da!" CROW: (Tasuki) Yeah right. You're just jealous 'cause I've got a babe and you don't! But too late, Ranma struck Tasuki in the base of the spine knocking him out. Feeling danger MIKE: Chichiri's got spider-sense! Chichiri turned to the duck, who flapped its wings once, and fired six steel darts at the hapless mage. TOM: This is just so wrong... Chichiri desperately spun his staff around to block the attack but two of the darts flew through his defences hitting him in the shoulder. LINA: Convenient how the heroes in these stories never get a fatal wound. It's always the shoulder, or the leg or something. MIKE: That, or they get brought back to life. "Itieeno da" he cried out in pain. CROW: Take it like a man, you wussie! The boy with the bandanna MIKE: Jim Hawkins? TOM: Skull! CROW: Fanboy. TOM: Shut up, Crow! ran into the room and leaping up on the table began to focus his negative feelings into pure chi. Chichiri quickly moved his hands casting a counter spell but the pain in his shoulder slowed him down. The chi began to form into a ball of energy and Ryoga focused it and shot it strait at his opponent. TOM: I almost thought Ryouga shot it straight, but now I can see he shot it *strait*. "Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" Chichiri blasted the attack with his own chi attack but Ryoga's was just too strong. The force of the blast picked him up and threw him against the back wall. He slid to the ground as The duck swooped in for another attack. Chichiri concentrated and disappeared from sight. ALL: Boo! Hiss! LINA: There's no way even Chichiri could do that after getting that kind of abuse! "Damn we almost had him that time." Ryoga exclaimed. MIKE: (Ryouga) The author likes the FY people better! Ah, where the hell is my agent? "He's a slippery one I'll give him that" replied Ranma TOM: That's just all the gel Chichiri uses on his hair. "C'mon we still have one prisoner. Nakago sama TOM: 'Nakago-sama'? (gets agitated) Ranma calls nobody Master! Nobody! MIKE: Just another case of out-of-character, Tom. Relax and it'll pass. LINA: We hope. will be please." All smiles, CROW: Looks like the Joker got himself some new victims. they tied their prisoner up and left Ucchan's. Chiriko, Hotohori, Nuriko and Miaka all walked along the street. Miaka walked arm in arm with Nuriko. MIKE: Does Tamahome know about this? "Tamahome is still on his way to the capital?" Nuriko nodded sympathetically. "Aww that pisses me off! What's taking him so long?" LINA: Yeah, when's Tamahome going to come and save us from the evil of the fanfic? CROW: What is it all you women have with Tama, anyway? LINA: (eyes turn into little hearts) Well, he's handsome, and brave, and clever, and... CROW: (looks disgusted) Hotohori smiled gently. "Miaka don't be angry. The thought of you in danger caused him to rush out, without thinking to wait for Chichiri. If I know Tamahome, he will likely be travelling day and night to get to the capital to be with you." TOM: Apparently, Tamahome is a masochist too! Miaka shamefaced and embarrassed, blushed. LINA: She's finally realized what an idiot she was during the entire last half of Fushigi Yuugi. She looked at Hotohori and nodded. "Hai." As they continued the other Seishi talked amongst themselves. CROW: (Seishi) It's agreed then. Tonight we strike, and rid ourselves of her forever! Miaka's thoughts, however, were of Tamahome. "We'll be together again soon." she thought. TOM: (Miaka) He'll never escape my evil grasp! Bwahahaha! As they approached Ucchan's she snapped out of her daydream and cried happily. LINA: Crying happily? Isn't that impossible? MIKE: Not really. People do shed tears of joy. " We're here." CROW: Whatever you're selling, we don't want any! She ran into the restaurant and cried out. "Tasuki, Chichiri look who I found!" LINA: Shabranigdo? MIKE: Hootie and the Blowfish? TOM: C-Ko? CROW: Oscar! MIKE&TOM: CROW! TOM: Thou shalt not speak the Unholy One's name! **insert funky music** ALL: (hum "Stayin' Alive", doing the finger motion) Ucchans was a shambles, after the fight. Tables lay on their sides, LINA: Doing leg lifts. chairs had spikes protruding from them, but most noticeable was the back corner. CROW: In the corner, a purple dinosaur looked over at them with a big, stupid grin plastered across its pudgy face. TOM: Aah! Kill it, kill it! Blood stained the corner of the usually white bench, and on the back wall was a large splatter of blood, which streaked down towards the ground. Miaka covered her mouth as her eyes followed the streak downwards to where her blue haired Seishi lay. His mask had fallen off and he lay in a pool of his own blood. His pale body looked like it had been burned from some sort of attack and two viscouslooking darts were sticking out of his shoulder. His one good eye was closed and he wasn't moving. MIKE&BOTS: (singing) Ding Dong, the witch is dead! Miaka felt herself being shoved out of the way as Ukyo entered her store. She looked shocked at the fallen mage and then she too covered her mouth LINA: (sympathetically) Yeah, I'd have a hard time to keep from tossing my cookies, too. and cried. "What have I done... What have I done?" MIKE: Let's see... you gave away the Suzaku Seishi's location to someone you knew was going to hurt them, just to appease your guilty feelings? TOM: Yeah, that would about cover it. End of Chapter 2. ALL: (collective sigh of relief) Authors note: Ooo scary. LINA: Your fanfic quality? Yes, I totally agree. Alrighty I dunno when I'll be able to get back to this. MIKE: Hopefully never. I have another test coming up in a week or so, which means I have to study. (Oh joy) Believe you me I'd rather write this, ALL: No, that's perfectly okay! Really! but there's not a heck of a lot I can do about it. LINA: Never thought I'd say this, but let's hear it for tests! ALL: Yaaaaaay! But stay tuned because next chapter we get to answer those questions I've left hanging. TOM: The main one: Just what was the author smoking when he thought this up? CROW: As we can all deduce from this incident, inhaling glue is illegal for a reason. Will Chichiri survive? What will become of Tasuki? Will Ranma and his gang break Nakago's spell? TOM: Or will they stay out-of-character for the remainder of the 'fic? And where the hell is Tamahome? All will be revealed next chapter. BOTS: (in unison) Same Bat time! Same Bat channel! Unless of course this flows through into a fourth chapter, you can never tell with these things. MIKE: (hums cheerfully as he thoughtfully runs a blunt razor blade over his wrist) As always flames, comments, fanmail: Davenader@hotmail.com LINA: Please, let this be over. Please... ============================== End Part 2 =============================== MIKE: And there was much rejoicing! LINA&BOTS: YAAAAAAY! TOM: Let's get out of here before I give up my lunch. (All four get up and leave the theatre) (Insert Door sequence here.) (SOL) CROW: My eyes, my poor innocent eyes! They have been tarnished forever! LINA: Give me a break, hentai boy. TOM: Hey, that fanfic was worse than any hentai. LINA: Five years fighting the dark gods and monsters, and I've never seen anything so hideous! If I ever find the guy responsible for sending us that abomination, I'll let him have it! You hear me? He'll be sorry he was ever born! (Red MAD light starts flashing) MIKE: I think you're about to get your wish, Lina. (pushes button) (DEEP 13) DR.F: So, Nelson, survived another one, did we? And how did you enjoy this week's experiment? (SOL) CROW: We didn't! TOM: Everybody was out-of-character... MIKE: Plot holes the size of the Straight of Gibraltar... TOM: The author was clearly writing a Fushigi Yuugi-style story, then for reasons unknown decided to throw in the Ranma cast. CROW: With a bit of work, it might have made a decent Fushigi Yuugi story. But as a crossover... ALL: (shudder) LINA: (taps Mike on the shoulder) Hey Mike, do you have any more of that popcorn stuff? I haven't eaten in over an hour! (DEEP 13) DR.F: (scowls, narrowing his eyes dangerously as he sees Lina) Nelson... what is THAT? (SOL) LINA: (waving cheerfully) Konnichiwa! MIKE: (nervously) Ah.. this is another one of our.. ur.. guests. (DEEP 13) DR.F: First Kiyone, then Samantha, now this! FRANK! I thought I told you to put that barrier up! Frank? (He looks around the room, cursing quietly under his breath as he realizes that Frank is nowhere to be found. Dr. Forrester sighs and turns back to the screen) DR.F: Really, Nelson, I'm growing tired of your 'guests'. What does this place look like, an amusement park? (throws his arms up in frustration) And why must you keep bringing in children! Like that brat C-Ko wasn't enough, but nooo, it just had to be a little girl! (SOL) LINA: What did he just call me? MIKE: Now calm - LINA: (Flames can be seen dancing in her eyes) YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I AM NOT A KID! (DEEP 13) DR.F: (totally oblivious to Lina's rage) Just for this, Nelson, next week I'm going to send you a little something I picked up on the Anipike I've been saving it for just such an occasion, and I hope it goes down like a rabid porcupine! It's called- (SOL) LINA: That's it! I'm not gonna take this! (Closes her eyes and holds out her hands in front of her, lost in deep concentration.) "Darkness beyond twilight,crimson beyond blood that flows. Buried in the flow of time... In they great name, I pledge myself to darkness." TOM: Uh oh. CROW: Mike, don't tell me she's... MIKE: (urgently) Lina, please calm down! You can't hurt him that way, it's only a screen! TOM: Mike, she doesn't know what a screen is! (DEEP 13) DR.F: (looks mildly amused) Ah, a dabbler in magic! (yawns) Well, do tell me when you're finished. (SOL) LINA: "All the fools who stand in our way shall be destroyed..." TOM: Take cover! GYPSY: What's going on here? MIKE: Sorry, Gysp, no time to explain! (Mike jumps behind the C.C.D., dragging Gypsy along with him. The 'bots soon join them and all four hit the deck, Crow whimpering quietly) LINA: "By the power that you and I possess." CROW: It's gonna bl- LINA: DRAGON SLAVE! (DEEP 13) (Dr. Forrester winces as the screen suddenly turns black. The sounds of mass destruction and a roar of flames can be heard from the Satellite. There is a sudden ear-shattering explosion, then all is silent. The mad doctor shakes his head.) DR.F: I actually almost feel sorry for them. I must be getting soft in my old age. (A giggle is heard from the floor) DR.F: Frank! What on earth are you doing on the - (t.v.'s Frank looks up happily at the doctor, munching contently on a slice of bright yellow Zonga melon.) DR.F: I thought I told you to get rid of those! FRANK: But this is the last one... I just couldn't bear to see it go up in flames with the rest... (Doctor Forrester sighs deeply, then slumps to the ground next to his assistant.) FRANK: Would you like a slice, Clayton? DR.F: You know, Frank, I think I would. (accepts a slice of melon. He's about to sink his teeth into it, but pauses, as if remembering something important.) Oh, and hit the button, Frank. FRANK: (absent-mindedly reaches up and pushes the button) (fade to credits) _______________________ Whew, that was a long one! Well anyway, I hope you like it. I'd like give a big thank you to Tim McLees, the maintainer of Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings (http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html), whose site introduced me to the wonderful world of MSTings. As well as giving me the fanfic in the first place, he was a wealth of encouragement and support. Again, thank you Tim. I couldn't have done it without you. "The wages of sin are death, but so are the rewards of virtue, and evil folks get better perks." - Anonymous (thanks for the quote, Matt!) Kuanna