[Web Site Number 9] Return to Mistings Index --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene: SOL. Mike and the bots are watching an episode of Key: the Metal Idol. The closing music starts playing, and everybody starts yelling and hollering. Mike: Argh! I hate how every single episode of this series ends in the middle of a major scene! It's like every show is a cliffhanger! Crow: Hey, at least they resolve stuff. It's not like we're watching X, here. (Commercial light begins flashing). (Commercial: Low-Dose Nootz: We don't need you to buy our stinking product, you stupid punk! And why should we bother to make you want to? That's why we're making commercials in which some marketing-type dweeb insults everybody he can get his hands on. Duh!) (Back to SOL) Crow:...so you see, the reason I like Key is that...well...it's a story of the triumph of spirit over flesh! Or fleshlike polymer, as the case may be. Tom: Oh, just come out with it, Crow! You've got it for Key. Crow: Well, at least I don't write fanfics about Sakura, aka "Little Miss Hooters"! Mike: Knock it off, guys, Sergei and Ajo are calling. (Deep 13) Dr. F: Aha, I see the Utuse Miho Fan Club's in session. Well, time for this week's invention exchange! You go first, I'm feeling honorable today. (SOL) Mike: Why, thank you! Okay, today's invention is a great one. You know how when you're eating ice cream with hot fudge, the fudge usually gets all cold and nasty well before you're finished? Well, what we've come up with is the combination Spoon/Fudge Dispenser! (He picks up a big bowl of ice cream--yum! And a spoon with a tube attached. The tube is connected to Tom's rear.) Mike: Taa-daaa! (Deep13) Frank: Heey, where'd you guys get that ice cream? Dr. F: Very unimpressive, Nelson. Let's see how your pitiful device fails to operate! (SOL) Mike: Well, all you have to do is push this button, and Tom's handy hoverskirt will pump the fudge through the tube! (He pushes the button. Tom starts buzzing.) The fudge should be coming out any moment now... Tom(garbled voice): Aah, Mike... Mike: Aaaany second now... (Tom's dome begins to fill with a brownish liquid) Tom: MMIIIIIKKEEEE!! Mike (notices Tom): Oh, no! Tom: AAAARGH! (The top of Tom's head pops off, and brown liquid starts spraying around the room.) (Deep13) Dr. F(laughing): haha, Nelson! I knew you weren't in my class. Frank: Yeah, and pushing buttons is MY job! Dr. F: Time for my invention. You know how you were just complaining about cliffhangers in that silly cartoon you watch? Well, I've taken your angst and parlayed it into something much, much more evil. You may have noticed that most anime series--and in fact most series in general--leave loads of plot threads hanging until the last possible moment, generally in the last episode. (SOL) Mike(covered with brown goop): My God. You couldn't have. (Deep13) Dr. F: Aah, faster than I suspected! And you're right! Frank, unveil the device! (Frank pulls the sheet off a large piece of machinery in the back. It has a TV screen, a VCR tape input, and a large radar dish.) Dr. F: All I need to do is to put a videotape of any series into this device, and the computer will automatically produce focused EMP waves to destroy the last tape or episode of that series! Then it'll make a copy for me--the ONLY surviving copy! I'll have power over all the world! (SOL) Crow: I like it. Fiendishly complicated in a simple way. You'll have the world at your grasp in no time! Mike: Croow, we can't let him do it! We've got to stop him! (Deep13) Dr. F: I'd like to see you try. But of course, we're forgetting today's experiment--a frightfully-written little rant about anime fandom. Should strike a chord, eh, Nelson? (to Frank) Send them the Post, Frank! (SOL. Movie-Sign chaos) Mike: We don't have time! We've got to...(begins to gasp and choke)...No...Oxygen...Must...(collapses) Tom: Come on, Crow, we've got to do something! Crow: With no working arms, we could...stand around and watch him die? (Gypsy appears) Gypsy: What are you guys doing out here? I didn't think that Mike could breathe without any oxygen! Tom: Guess what--HE CAN'T! What are we gonna do? Game Over, man! Gypsy: Just hold on...(She picks Mike up in her mouth) CmmN! (They all trek into the theater...Cambot takes the DOOR SEQUENCE) (Entering the Theater...Gypsy spits Mike out into his seat and leaves) Crow: Mike, you feel better? Mike: Yeah, I just feel real funny...like I've been chewed up and spit out by a humungous dog. Tom: Don't worry about it. >From ryb@colba.net Fri Nov 14 11:01:38 1997 Mike: So now the internet's even enabled individual body parts to post? Tom: Yeah, too bad it obviously wasn't the brain... >Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc Crow: Don't even mention the horror that is rec.arts.anime.misc! >Subject: ANIME fans are RESPONSIBLE for its decline- PARTLY and GREED and American WAY.. Mike: It's...Son of McElwaine! All: AAUUUGGGH!! >From: ryb@colba.net (ryb) >Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 16:01:38 GMT Crow: This was apparently such important information that he felt the need to tell us twice. > I ponder Mike: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky? Tom: I think so, Brain, but I'm not equipped with removable doorknobs! > if the worst ennemies of ANIMES Crow: Ho-ho, get the pun? "EN-NEMIES of AN-NIMES"! Ha ha! Mike: You're reaching, Crow. > are not the overtly zealous >fans themselves... Tom: Gee, overtly zealous fans creating a bad image for a hobby? Like that's anything new. >-You have those that want to keep it secluded,a sort of a >college/universitything Crow: Fear the universitything! The demon which feeds on proper spacing! > where only the enlightened need to apply Mike: Anime showing at three. No Illumination--No Service. FNORD. >-You have the quick buck schemer/artists that sell tapes of dubious >quality Tom: For some reason, I have trouble with the concept of lumping this sort in with "fans". >-You have the purists that only want to see them in and available in >Japanese Crow: That's great, but what exactly is this mysterious "Them"? >-You have the fan possessed Tom: Have your fan posessed! Only twenty-four-ninety-nine at your local Demon Cleaner store! > (maybe the devil Mike: ...in Miss Kasumi? > or evil spirit ismaking Crow: Call me crazy, but I've never heard of any evil spirit called Ismaking. >them do it ?)who exhibit pathological pesonality disorders(best >example-in the Sailor Moon alt groups-some are really scary) Crow: Like the twisted minds that brought us A Black Day. Mike: Oooogh! Don't even GO there. >-Youhave the liberals that are sayig- Tom: Yet more evidence of the terrible shortage of the ASCII character " ". Crow: Please, donate whereveryoucan. > let us go slowly here,as the >american public is not really ready, Mike: You can't HANDLE the truth! >so best keep it uner th wapsand Crow: Mike, please tell me that SOMEHOW that last sentence made sense. Mike: Sorry, little buddy. Wish I could help ya. >yes,censorship is acceptable so that we can see some trashed version >oftheir favorite anime Crow: Censorship is acceptable! Evil is good! Yeah, baby, down with the government! Tom: So we should support censorship to see a hack-job version of anime we've already seen? I'm a little unclear, here. >-You have thereligious bigots that equate animes=devil, Mike: Especially the EEE-vil Sailor Moon. > especially in >the US and bible-belt areas of Canada Crow(Fake southern accent): "An' the LAWD did come to me, and he did say "Jacob, there's a power of evil in those Ranma videos, eh?" An' the LAWD told me, to tell YOU, that..." >-You have the crazyfans Mike: Oh, yes, the _crazyfans_, of course! Tom: I cannot stand it! The craziness! > that will dish up any amount of $$$ Crow: Miiiiike! Mike: It _can't_ be McElwaine. Not enough WORDS in ALL CAPITALS. > to see >thir favorite anime,like spending $20 or more for a 25 min episode- Tom: Okay, this one does kinda annoy me too. >they inist it is still a bargain..even if their favorite series has >+50 episodes,etc... Crow: Yeah, there's so many companies rushing to translate those 50-episode series... >-You have the collectioners-those that are obsessed, Tom: Yeah, Mike! Ring any bells? Mike: Look, there's only a _couple_ of Sailor Mars resin kits in my room. That _hardly_ constitutes an obsession. > a bit likethe fans >of Elvis(the pelvis,the King,whatever) Crow: Yes, 'whatever'. As in 'Whatever does Elvis have to do with anime'? > and the geeedy oens too Tom: Damned Greedy Oens! >-let's make a buck here... Mike: Sounds like a good idea to me! Crow: But what does Elvis have to do with it?!?! > You havethe ordinarily anime fans Tom(movie announcer voice): Ordinarily anime fans, under cover of night they take on a new guise--donning the black jumpsuit, powered armor, and fearsome mask of THE OTAKU COMMANDO CORPS! > that likewatching it butin Crow: Mike, exactly how do you "bew-tine" something? Mike: You're too young to be told. Tom: I'm more concerned about those who like watching it. >no hurry to pay anything >-the el cheapo guy- Tom: Men fear him, Ladies adore him, Children revere him, Sheep flee him, it's EL CHEAPO GUY! > most seem to be follow the ledear type- Mike: We've all followed a few ledears in our time. It's just something you've got to do. >if another fad next year,they will jump aboard-the sheep Tom: Hey, let's try and keep the accent-based racial-slurs out of this! >mentality is very strong amongst the N.American youth- Mike(As Beavis): "Is mentality that band with, you know, that chick with the big thingies?" Crow(As Butthead): "No, buttmunch, that's Chronality" All: "Huh-huh-huh" > to do soemthing >in groups,gangs,etc..to be "in"... Crow(as fussy teenager): "I wanna be with the 'in' crowd!" Tom(as her mom): "Dear, if all of the 'in' crowd jumped off a bridge, would you?" Crow: "it depends, what were they wearing?" > You have finally different peoplethat are sickof Disney like >cartoonsand want to see something different but to wither extent? Mike: (thinks) Okay, I think I can figure out what he was trying to say there. Crow: "Help, my spacebar doesn't always work"? >There lies the crux of the problem... Crow: "I've been reading the thesarus but not the grammar book!" > Can conservative America watch >sometingthat clashes with their beliefs ? That make them think ? Mike: Can Lassie save Timmie from the aliens? Can Marge wean Homer off of beer? Can Neve Campbell carry yet another episode of Party of Five solely through her projection of brooding angst? Tom: Hey, that was uncalled for. >That make them realize that besides the US good things arebeing done elsewhere ? Tom: Huh? Crow: Yeah, where else would you get great inventions like the Super Soaker 200? Mike: Or the Electronic Snore Suppressor? Tom: No, I meant that I just couldn't figure out what the hell that sentence meant. > So far,animes on mainstream TV is a constant struggle it would >appear.. Tom: Um, so I guess Robotech never existed? Mike: Or Voltron? Speed Racer? Galaxy Rangers? Crow: Transor Z? Astro Boy? Bionic Six? >Why has not a Network like FOX pick up a series Tom: Duh, because they're too busy showing X-Files reruns! > that was for >grabslike MKRayearth ? Tom: Yeah, grab the Magic Knights...mmmmm... Mike: Snap out of it, you don't even have working arms! > Or El Hazard ? Crow: Somehow I don't think Alielle would be a good spokeswoman for Anime. > Or Cutey Honey -F ? Mike: That goes double for this one. > Or Dragon Ball GT ? Tom: Those Dragons, they gotta lotta balls! >Instead,waht you have are moronic fans upping the ante- Mike: Apparently using the Lotus formula of "insult people to get them interested in your product". Tom: I don't think that worked for them... Mike: I didn't say that it did. > willing to pay >big $$$ for El Hazard,episode byepisode,etc.. Crow: Here's three big dollar signs, now give me my El Hazard! >(or similar series-likeSailorMoon-people areliterally obnibulated Tom: OBNIBULATED? Crow: Miiiike, heeeellp! (his head starts spinning in circles) IiiiIIIiiIImmmMMMmmmMM OOOooooOOOvvvVVvvVVEErrrRRRlllLLLLoooOOaAAAADDDd.... (Mike takes out a hammer and whangs him over the head) Crow: Whew, thanks! Where'd you get the hammer? Mike: Watching City Hunter, of course! >by this average >anime series(the manga is quite good,if you have a chance do read it) Crow: "...even though readingis not something Inormally do" Tom: Otherwise he'd have a chance to learn _grammar_... >thus inciting Japanese companies to demand outrageous prices Mike: Craaazy Eddie-San! His anime prices are IN-SANE! >and greedy distributors whodonot see animes they see,hear and dream >of $$$ everytimetheword Tom: fromupanddownandsomehowit'scloudsillusionsirecall > anime is pronounced.. Crow: ...boobs and graphic violence! Mike: No, that's just a _sterotype_! > Their rationale being- >a sucker is born everytiem one get hooked on animes, Mike: Zoicite can fool all of the Otaku some of the time, and some of the Otaku all of the time... > So we will >chargethem extra $$$ and will getit too.. Crow: Oh YEAH...they're gonna GET IT...and I'M gonna GIVE IT TO THEM! Mike: Crow, it'll be years before we get down from here. Crow: There's no wait too long in the war on bad dubs! > So,if the fans out there had more brain cells instead of just anime >cels Mike: Whoa, ho hoo! There's a knee-slapper, get it? BRAIN cells instead of ANIME cels, haha! Tom: Mike, what does he mean by "anime cels"? Mike: You don't know? Crow: I don't know either. Mike: um... Tom&Crow: FAAAANBOOOOY! > maybe the prices of soemof the series would go down and more >affordable and more fans in the end and picked up by TV networks.. Crow: ...but of course, that's about as likely to happen as this guy getting a clue. > One way is to demand from TV satellitecompany Tom: TV, I DEMAND satellitecompany from you! Crow: What, we're not company enough? > that they make >available Japanese TV so oen coudl at least see soem animes, Tom(eldritch cabalistic voice): "OEN COUDL SEE SOEM..." Mike: Careful! You'll attract the attention of the tentaclebeasts. > even if in >Japanese-as the technology is improving,not too far away we an have >automatic translators,a bit like Mike: ...Universal translators on Star Trek? Crow: Oh, sure, like "To fatally hold the earth cord is a poor eventuality!" is really a translation. > we now have for soem pc programs Mike: We've had programs for many PC's available for quite a while now. >and as web TV is becoming a reality,hence... Tom: Unfortunate as it might seem... Crow: Talk about a "poor eventuality"! > So,if I could cnenct this >gizmo or via software to my satellite TVand get roughly a 75 % >accuracy ofwhat is beingsaid on TV +a a certain knowledgeof >Japanese,etc.. Crow: Sure! No biggie! Tom: "Reorbiting Venus into Earth's orbit would solve all our problems! We just need somebody to figure out how to do it!" Mike: The ultimate Vaporware. > I would no longer need Greedy companies decing for me >what I am going topay or see.. Tom: I hate it when those greedy companies Dec for me...I can Dec for myself, thank you! Crow: Yeah. Who does this bald guy think he is, anyhow? Mike: Bald? Oh, I see, the "topay". > Yours,ryb... Tom: Ours, but not by choice. Mike: Hey, a rib! Thanks...you guys do know I'm missing one. Crow: Hey, I think it's over! Let's bail. Mike: Yeah, we gotta save TV fandom from a fate worse than Married: With Children. (SOL) Mike: Forrester, listen to reason. You don't need to wreck _every_ TV show...maybe just one or two like Beverly Hills 90210. (Deep13. Frank is in the background fiddling with the Diabolical Device. Dr. F is in the foreground, bathed in hellish green light,holding a videotape.) Dr. F(gloating): Your pitiful pleas are music to my ears, but you're TOO LATE, peon! I've already run the device on that favorite son of sci-fi TV shows... (SOL) Tom(aghast): You can't mean... (Deep13) Dr. F: ...BABYLON FIVE! Hahaaahahaha!!!!!! Of course, idiot boy burned the machine out trying to run it on Seinfeld, a series which clearly will never end. But I think that my efforts so far will prove to be...MOST effective! (Maniacal laughter.) (Suddenly, the rear wall blows open in a cloud of smoke and sparks! Suited figures brandishing submachine guns with red laser-sight beams leap into the room and fan outward. About eight of them surround Frank and point guns at him. More suddenly rappel in from the ceiling.) Dr. F: What the...Who are these people! (One of the commandoes walks over to Dr. F and grabs the tape from him.) Commando(keying his throat mike): Six-Nine to control. We got 'em, Mike. Mike's Voice (heard over the radio): Good work, Six-Nine. Return to base immediately. Commando: You want me to deal with the kook, here? (He points a menacing gun at Dr. F in a nonchalant way) Mike's Voice: Not to worry, Six-Nine. He won't be a problem for long. Commando: Right. Six-Nine out. (He turns and shouts) Okay, wrap it up! (Commandoes around the lab begin disappearing in nifty swirling bursts of light.) (SOL) Mike: A-amazing. Sometime in the future, I apparently escape from the Satellite, and form an elite unit of time-traveling commandoes to save the world from Dr. F! Crow: Um...yeah, okay. Mike: Hey, you! Who are you? Where are you from? (Deep13. the chief commando is stiffarming Dr. F to keep him from grabbing the tape, while a beaten-up Frank stares at the ruined Device, then drops to the floor.) Commando: Nobody important. And as for where I'm from...let's just say that everyone there sucks. (He turns slightly, and we see that the first letter on his nametag is "B".) And by the way--You'll like how Key turns out. I guarantee it. (He slaps a control on his right hip, and vanishes in a blaze of light.) Dr. F (trips over as Commando vanishes): Damn! Damn you, Nelson! I'll get you for this! Aaaargh! (In his flailings, he stumbles and whacks the button.) Frank (from floor): That's...my...jo-- \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Not suitable for children under twelve minutes old. Half price admission for weasels. "riffs" or other material created by Michael Powers is (c) 1997 Michael Powers; if BBI wishes to use any of said material, they may feel free to request to do so. >-You have the fan possessed (maybe the devil or evil spirit ismaking >them do it ?)who exhibit pathological pesonality disorders(best >example-in the Sailor Moon alt groups-some are really scary) -- Mike Powers "Why worry? Each of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to his back."-Venkman, Ghostbusters