ArsenalXIII MSTing Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC. MST3K is the property of Best Brains. Procanadids are of my own sorry design. Yes, some people invent new characters, but others invent races. 'Red Dragon Rising' is the property of Ted Polak, and I would say that he can keep it, but that would really overused and cliched. Anyway Ted, don't get mad when you read this, just think of it as C&C. Crow: Man, that Ted guy. Boy, was he an idiot. Running up to a Shinto priestess and claiming it was just a rip-off of Buddhism. Tom: I say if she was written remotely in character she would have fried his butt right then and there. Mike: Cool it you two, the three Musketeers are calling. Pearl: Okay, we're ready to give it another go. Brain Guy, prepare to fire. Observer: Yes, you highness. Mike: But what about Bobo? Gypsy: We have bigger things to worry about! My calculations say that the Hammerspace portal will hit us. Mike: Oh, now come on, Gypsy. Give Pearl a little credit. She has Observer with her, and he's omnipotent. Observer: Well, um..... Pearl: Brain Guy! Prepare to fire! Observer: Oh, very well! Begin fission of the, well...... fissionables.... Peral: Fire!! Observer: Tom: Mike! It is coming right for us!! RUNN!! Mike: Gypsy! Get us out of here!! Gypsy: Uh-uh! This is your dishwasher liquid, you soak in it! Mike: Cambot, give us Rocket #9! Mike: Strange, I woner what that is. Tom: It's the Confed HQ! We're in Wing Commader! AAGGH!! Crow: I want to command the Midway! Mike: Quiet, you guys. We're getting hailed. Lizard: Who are you? Tom: Dear lord! The Nephilim have inflitrated the Confed HQ! We're doomed! Mike: Wait, this is Hammerspace. Um, we're Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo of the Sattelite of Love. Who are you? Lizard: Me? I'm Lt. Commander Kornadov Volstok. This is the Procanadid Space Ship 'Hammer 13'. Other Procanadid: Greetings, Earth creatures. I am Doctor Vladimir Kasparov. Tom: Ah, Dr. Kasparov, I have a question for you. Why the hell is Hammerspace pink? Crow: And how could you let Deep Blue beat you, ya big dope? Kasparov: Wait, I recongize you three. You're Dr. Forrester's experiment! Tom: You know Dr. Forrester? Crow: He's still alive? Kasparov: Yes, you're the ones he talked about at the Annual Meeting of the Intergalatic Fraternal Order of Mad Scientists! Now, where are my notes..... Hmm... it says here you're supposed to do an.... Invention Exchange? Crow: Oh, those. We stopped that a long time ago. Kasparov: Is that so? Well, do one anyway. Kornadov, get the KY/13-P. Kornadov: Don't you remember? We gave it to Arsenal. Mike: Arsenal? Why do get this feeling of impending doom? Tom: Strange, I'm getting more of a feeling of bland self-insertion. Kasparov: Silence! ArsenalXIII is merely our super computer. He'll be recording our little experiment. Now, where is your invention? Mike: Umm... well, I built this little stool for Tom a little while back. Kornadov: Okay.... I think I know why they dropped the invention exchange. Kasparov: Says here you were forced to watch bad movies... Arsenal, do we have any bad movies? ArsenalXIII: The only thing remotely close to a bad movie we have here is 'Macross'. Kasparov: Ah, it says here he sometimes used fanfics when movies were unavailable. Then prepare yourselves for... ummmm.... Kornadov: Their ship's record says they were watching something called 'Red Dragon Rising'. Kasparov: Perfect! Prepare yourselves for 'Red Dragon Rising'! Crow: Sheesh, are people everywhere doing this? All: We've got fanfic sign!! RED DRAGON RISING Crow: Even the title has sexual implications. A SAILOR MOON FANFIC BY TED POLAK Here's a flashback of Pt. 2 Tom: Gee, another two sentence falshback. Crow: Maybe he should include more than two plot points in each Chapter. „Nephrite met up with Ted Crow: IfyaknowhatImean!! and tried to drain his energy, but Ted outsmarted him by using a virus. „The Dragon of Fire appeared during a fight to save the Sailor Scouts. Mike: Gee, I wonder who the Dragon on Fire is. Ok, that was kinda boring. Here's Part 3. Tom: Then why did you write it?? AAARRGGH!!!! Kasparov: That was easy. Mike: Don't count on it. He does that alot. "Nephrite!" shouted an agitated Queen Beryl. "You failed to gain any of Ted's energy. In fact, your curse did nothing to him! I want an explanation now!" Crow: Make it 500 words or less or feel the wrath of the Negaforce! MIke: Wait, why don't they just use all the energy they're using on failed attempts to collect energy to raise the Negaforce? Crow: Great. Now you're head is going to explode. Mike: Speaking of which... "My queen, I...ah...do not know where this person comes from. Crow: Earth would be a good beat. Mike: He would naturally defeat me. He is self-inserted. I will make another attempt to steal his energy." Crow: Using the exact same plan! He'll never see it coming! "If it fails, Nephrite..." "Trust me. It will not fail." Crow: Okay, I'm not going to make any more self-insertion cracks when he says that. Tom: What? Oh, it's still here. ------------------------------------------------------------- "The Mac is dead. There is absolutely no software for it!" Tom: Thamk you, Voice of the Obivious. "That's becuase the PC is owned by a company that wants own the entire world!" Crow: What? The PC isn't owned by any company! It's merely a matter of software! It was lunchtime at school, and Ted and Melvin were having a heated discussion, whether the Mac or the PC was better. Ted took the side of the Mac, and Melvin took the side of the PC. Tom: Of course with Ted backing them, Mac will suddenly become an economic power. "Microsoft is a great company. How do you think their stock value got so high?" Crow: Bill Gates squashing all new ideas and innovation? "It got so high when Bill Gates ripped off DOS from a kid!" Mike: It was me! I invented DOS!! "C'mon, that hasn't been proven." "Yes it has." Tom: Like your Shinto theory was proven too, Ted. "No it hasn't." "Yes, it has." "No, it hasn't." "Just forget it, OK?" "Fine, I will." "OK." "Fine then." "Good." Tom:: AAARRGH!! Your everyday conversations should not be shown in a fanfic! Ted and Melvin walked off in different directions. Wait until I get my hands on that kid, thought Ted. Crow: I'll use my powers of self-insertion to seduce the hell out of him! Tom: Ugh, the last thing we need is for this story to go yaoi. I'm gonna-Ted's train of thought was interrupted as he unintentionally walked into a wall. All: Mike: Thanks for that sample of your wonderful, completely original humor, Ted. Ouch, he thought while rubbing his nose, that'll leave a mark. Crow: No, I suppose it'll just heal overnight.... Mike: Too bad he didn't shove his nose up into his brain. Tom: Yeah, it would have improved his writing. Mike: Hey, cool it with the flames. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Serena, after what Amy has told me, I really think Ted is working for the Negaverse." Tom: Yeah, all Nega-verse generals are known to be proficient with the computer. Mike: Nega-verse 95, Windows version. "But Luna, before you said that Ted's "aura" wasn't from the Negaverse." Tom: God I hate this writing style. It wouldn't kill you to put 'Luna said' after the quotation. "Well, what was he doing with that computer?" Crow: Making a Sailor Moon hentai site? Tom: I think he was having an affair with it. Mike: Tom.... "Luna, I don't want to hear any more." Mike: Okay, I'll just gouge out your inner ear. Ted walked in just then. He had a large red bump on his nose. Crow: The reindeers wouldn't let me play games with them! "Hey, Ted. What happened to your nose?" "Uhh...I'd rather not say." Mike: The wall kicked the crap out of me! So I inscribed a virus onto it! "Hey where's that cat of yours?" Tom: Same place as yours. "Ah, he's somewhere around here. I'll get him." Ted whisteled into the air, a sharp, piercing whistle. He waited, but nothing happened. Crow: Suddenly, thousands of ravebous dogs descend onto Ted, ripping his pitiful body into bloody slivers. Mike: Feeling dark today? "Hmm...looks like he doesn't want to come. Crow: *snicker* Mike: I admit, Ted walked into that one. Wait a minute, I have an idea." Ted opened up one of his bags and pulled out a long white instrument Crow: Dear lord, I was right! covered with holes, known as a recorder. Crow: Oh. He started playing a tune, but no sooner than he started, a big fat black cat stumbled into the room, meowing uncontrollably. Tom: He had the smell of liquor on his breath, Frisky's whiskey to be precise. Ted stopped playing, and the big black cat suddenly returned to normal. "Hey, that's pretty cool, Ted. Where'd you learn to do that?" Mike: Oscar School of Bestality and Cat Seduction. "Uhh...I really don't know, I guess. I just like playing this a lot, and I guess Q-Bert here just falls into a trance when I play it." Tom: Man, Oscar would pay big for that Recorder. "Wow. You really have a lot of power over your cat." Crow: Same power I can have over you. Tom: Suddenly I feel incredibly attracted to you. Take me now! Mike: Guys.... "Hmmph. I know," said Ted, in a slightly lower and quiter tone of voice. Tom: But I don't know it's impossible to end a quotation with a comma. ------------------------------------------------------------- It was almost nightfall, and Raye was cleaning up at the temple. Crow: She didn't see Ted sneaking up on her with a recorder and a whip. Mike: Will you stop? A few pesky leaves refused to be moved by Raye's broom. Raye finally decided to pick up the leaves by hand. She bent down to pick them up, and when she stood up, she saw something she couldn't believe. Tom: A Sailor Moon otaku who actually managed to write them in character? A person was sitting in the middle of the flame. Mike: It was Ted. She felt a strange urge to say 'Burn, baby, burn.'. Strangely enough, none of his clothes were being burnt. It was as if the flames were accepting him, or he was accepting the flames. Raye rubbed her eyes, and looked again, but the person was gone. She shrugged. It was known that heat could cause mirages at night, just like in a desert. Crow: Oh, its not she wouldn't suspect her Shinto powers to have something to do with it. Thank you fanfic! ------------------------------------------------------------- Ted had finally gotten tired, and laid his weary head to sleep. As he slept, he dreamt, and he dreamt a dream he wished he could forget... Tom: I dreamt I made a fanfic called 'Red Dragon Rising' and it was horrible and I couldn't write in character and.... Red sand. Surrounding him. Miles of red sand on a dry, dusty desert. Mike: This is Ted's brain. This is Ted's brain on drugs. No, there's not much difference... He walked in one direction just because there was nowhere else to go. In the back of his mind, he knew he would only see red sand in the direction he was going, but he didn't care. Tom: I could like starve and stuff but I don't really mind. He wanted to see the road less traveled. He was ambitious, and he wanted to see everything he could see in his lifetime. Crow: So he's walking around looking at sand? Makes _perfect_ sense. He walked for what seemed like hours until clouds appeared overhead. The clouds almost covered the entire sky. Almost. A spot was missed by the clouds. Ted aimlessly walked under it and stopped, deciding that this was a good a place as any. Too bad he didn't look up. Mike: Too bad he didn't see the birds crappin' on him. Too bad he didn't see the light heading toward him. Tom: Too bad he didn't realize it was a misfired Patriot missile... Crow: God bless faulty guidance systems.... Too bad, that his ambition cost him his normal life and changed him forever... Mike: Yeah, it made him a god among men. What a punishment. Ted woke up with a start. As hard as he tried, he could not go back to sleep. He saw his cat staring at him, and he stared back, because there was nothing better to do. Tom: Gee, he could be using his super-human gifts to help solve humanities' problems, but no, he has to stare at a damn cat. Looking into his cat's eyes, he saw a lifetime of wisdom and shrewdness. You're smarter than any of us, he thought. It should have been you... Crow: Hmmm.. that would be a pretty neat plot twist if the cat was the Dragon of Fire. Mike: Nah, I think Ted hasn't grasped the concept of plot twists. ------------------------------------------------------------- Oddly enough, Serena couldn't get to sleep. At least I won't be late for school, she thought to herself. She decided to check on Ted, with nothing better to do, anyway. Tom: I'll see if he needs any help getting up. Mike: Tom! That was sick! Tom: I didn't mean it in that sense... She picked herself up off from the bed and walked to the guest bedroom. The door was open a crack, and she peeked in. What she saw struck her as odd. Crow: What is he doing with his cat?? Mike:...... Ted and his cat were staring at each other. The weren't moving, just seemingly locked in invisible mental combat. Crow: MENTAL COMBAT!!! All: They didn't move, Serena couldn't tell if either of them were even breathing. This was too much for her, and she walked back to bed. Mike: Yeah, a cat and a guy staring at each other is pretty screwy. Almost like having a dark blue cat that talks and gives people magical lockets... hey, wait a minute.... Many things that Ted did she thought were strange probably because he came from America. Tom: Hey, don't clump all Americans into Ted's lot. But what if what Luna said were true, and Ted was a servant for the Negaverse? All: We wish. Crow: It would actually give him some character depth. ------------------------------------------------------------- "Mercury Power!" "Mars Power!" "Moon Prism Power!" Tom: Servo Power! Tom: What? Mike: It's been done, Tom. Crow: ..and he calls me a fanboy. There was another disturbance from the Negaforce, and a routine had developed for the Sailor Scouts. Crow: Well, at least he admits that the Nega-verse is totally predictable, and has no grasp of tatics or surprise. They were prepared to take on another monster, this one weaker than others they had faced. Mike: Man, these monster descriptions just blow me away! I can actually picture it in my mind! Tom: Feeling a little sarcastic? Sailor Moon was ready to finish it off with her tiara, but it scurried away. Crow: Finally, a monster that takes advantage of the speeches before each attack! They followed it, and found the Dragon of Fire, with his hands together, Tom: He was praying to be written out of the story. Crow: Let's see, should I pray to the Shinto gods? No, their just rip offs of Buddhism. charging energy, ready to throw a fireball at it. The Sailor Scouts still remembered how he had saved them, All: Mike: Um, the way we remember it, the Sailor Scouts saved him. and wanted to show their thanks, Crow: Thanks for nothing, dickweed. Tom: Will you stop using that line? Crow: Hey, its a running gag. but he had left before they had a chance to even talk to him. He almost threw the fireball, Tom: And took a chunk out of the comma that was supposed to be there. but the monster uttered a word, a word that the Scouts couldn't quite make out, Crow: Power Word, Kill! Mike: Well, there'd our AD&D reference for the day. but the Fire Dragon clearly could. Flames started licking up around him, Crow: ..and he found it startlingly erotic! as the rage within him reached a crest. Crow: Okay, that one's beneath me. Mike: Good Crow. He threw a fireball, a much larger one this time, at the monster, instantly incinerating it. Tom: Why didn't he do that with the first monster? Mike: Because he wants the readers to get the impression that he's getting better and better. It left a large trail of smoke, and when it cleared, he was gone, with another note in his place: The flame burns brighter None know just why But the flame burns on For all who do not see Tom: Gee, that just made the entire story come together for me. End Pt. 3 Okay, I'm working on Pt. 4, it will be done later, I'm working on other stuff right now. Send comments, suggestions, compliments, flames (All are welcome, I don't get too much mail) to arturusxr@earthlink.net. Crow: Alright! Flame time! Mike: C'mon guys, let's get out of here. Well, that ends Part Three. This story is really building up isn't it? Man, I wonder who the Dragon of Fire is...... anyway, send comments, questions, or flames regarding the Procanadids to arsenal_13@hotmail.com