ArsenalXIII MSTing Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC. MST3K is the property of Best Brains. Procanadids are of my own sorry design. Yes, some people invent new characters, but others invent races. 'Red Dragon Rising' is the property of Ted Polak, and I would say that he can keep it, but that would really overused and cliched. Anyway Ted, don't get mad when you read this, just think of it as C&C. Mike: Man, this fic doesn't let up. It just gets more and more predictable as we speak. Crow: Yeah, I know. Say, where's Tom? Tom: Greetings, friends. I am the Red Dragon. Crow: Wait, I thought you were the Dragon of Fire... Tom: I am, it's just I'm also called the Red Dragon. Anyway, I'm here to right wrongs and protect those useless Sailor Scouts because they amuse me so. Mike: Hey! I Chapter Two they saved your butt! Tom: Yes, but I used my reality-warping powers to make it seem like I rescued them! Watch! Crow: Wow Tom! You're the Red Dragon! That's awesome! Mike: Man, I have this sudden humbling feeling... wait a minute... Tom: See? I can alter time and space to fit my needs conviently! Mike: Just a minute. Scylla and Charybdis are calling. Kornadov: Hey Kasparov! Hurry up or you'll miss the Ronald Reagan double feature 'Nuke the Commies' and 'The Destruction of the Anti-war sentiment: Hippie Hunt'. Kasparov: Just a moment. Hmmm... this experiment is looking good so far. I've even been able to retrieve Chapter Two... hmmmm.... this seems interesting.. Durandal Remote Access IP 153.34.185.176..... downloading files... Crow: Oh boy. Tom: Say, what would Russian speaking lizards want with Ronald Reagan movies? Mike: Well, some of them are pretty silly... All: W've got fanfic sign! RED DRAGON RISING A SAILOR MOON FANFIC BY TED POLAK Tom: Man, I hope is Red Dragon character reaches AAA. Crow: Yeah, so Nav can kick the crap out of him. I don't feel like giving any more flashbacks. They're too redundant. If you want to know what happened in a previous episode, read it! Mike: Why, he's actually _learning_! He's getting better as time goes on! Tom: *sniff* It's just us, sitting back, watching little Teddy grow. And here's Part 4! Crow: Audience zero. "I have made significant progress against the Red Dragon, my queen. Tom: I've learned his breath deals d10 damage. Crow: Okay, we're really going too deep into these AD&D jokes. I have been able to explore his mind and discover a few things about him. Mike: That he's actually Ted? It seems this Dragon fights for a people he calls 'The Ancients.' Mike: Oh. Tom: Say, where was he when Aeris was slaughtered? Crow: Probably out hittin' on Tifa. Who wouldn't be? He protects them by keeping a balance between good and evil. However, many events have plagued his mind. Mike: Apparently he can't get no satisfaction. Our latest demon's sole purpose was to bring back memories of his past. When he has been incapacitated, I will then proceed to destroy the Sailor Scouts." Tom: How? All you can do is throw pointlessly easy monsters at him! "Excellent, Nephrite. You may proceed as planned." Crow: What plan? He just said he probed his mind, but forgot to look for his Alter-identity. Mike: When did Nephrite scan his brain anyway? ------------------------------------------------------------- "Oh yeah? Well you're such an airhead you'd probably have him acting like you in a few days?" Tom: Hey! I maybe a disembodied voice, but I'm hardly an airhead. "What's wrong with being like me?" Crow: Since this is now obviously Serena talking, the first part to solving your problem is admitting you have a problem. "No one wants to be like you? You're a screw-up at school, you have no chance with boys, and you're so forgetful, you'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on!" Mike: Testify, girlfriend! Raye and Serena were having another fight, with Ted caught in the middle. Both were trying to show him that the other was no better than scum. Crow: It was pretty obvious Raye was right. Tom: Hey, Serena's getting less transparently stupid. Ted knew better, but the noise was geting on his nerves. He tried to grit his teeth and bear it, but to no avail. Finally... Mike: He had a series of elaborate heart attacks? "Can't you two shut up? I know you have your differences, but for the love of God, Crow: Would that be the Buddhist god or those rip-off Shinto gods? can't you just shut up before I go insane and my heart explodes and my lungs burst and all the blood in my body travels up to my brain and shorts out the neurons and I start babbling like an idiotic babboon?" All: Keep arguing! Keep arguing! Tom: Arrgh! I can't stand it when I'm not the center of attention! Ted blurted the last part out so quickly it sounded like myhearexloesanmyungsburstanllthebludinmabodytravelsutombrainandshotsaout danuesanisart-babblinglikeanidioticbabbun. Crow: Man, baboons are going to have to start a massive ad campaign to work off the damage done by this fanfic. Tom: So will Sailor Moon. Serena and Raye were dumbfounded. There were times when one of them had nearly exploded into a rage when they were arguing, but this was a case where someone had gone completely nuts. Mike: Man, it doesn't take much to mentally incapacitate Ted. There was a long silence, then Serena got up and barely managed to say, "I'm going to go make some tea." She walked out of the room slowly, like a big dog was trying to bite her and she was trying to get away. "Yes," said Raye, "I will also make some tea." Crow: Oh, I see, 'making tea' must be Sailor code for... Mike: This better not be perverse. Crow: Geez, you drain the fun out of everything. Raye left in the same manner as Serena. When both had left, Ted hung his head in dejection. "Why! Why! Why!" he shouted, pounding the wall with his fist each time. Tom: I could have had both of them! Mike: Why me, God? ------------------------------------------------------------- A meeting was held at the temple between the three sailor scouts concerning Ted. The three were beginning to think that Ted was, in fact, a servant for the Negaverse. Crow: Gee, I wonder what made them think that.. "I do have to agree with Raye, Serena. Ever since that incident where he 'borrowed' my computer, he's been acting all weird." Tom: Why 'borrowed'? He didn't exactly steal it, even though authorities will probably trace the virus to Amy's house. "Don't forget, Amy, that Ted seems to have a short fuse. I doubt any other American would have such a temper," Raye added. Crow: Look! 'Raye added.' He is getting better! Tom: Why do they keep stereotyping Americans? Mike: Because Americans stereotype everybody else? Tom: Point taken. "C'mon, Raye. We both know he went nuts because we were arguing about who-knows-what and Ted probably had enough." Tom: What? Serena? Making a valid point? She is OOC! Crow: Hey, be nice. "You're just taking his side because he's your exchange student. You probably have your eyes on him, too." Raye said the second part in a teasing voice that got on Serena's nerves. Mike: How come he only does 'Raye said'? Crow: I think I know the first scout he's going to use his S-I powers on... "That's not true! He's nice, but I prefer Tuxedo Mask." Tom: I prefer his deformed brother Tudexo, but it's all a matter of opinion. "Or Andrew." "Well..." "You see? You want to have as many as you can." Crow: Serena: Gigolo. Mike: Somehow I can't see that happening. "That's not true!" "I'm sure it is." "Raye, why do you have to be so mean? WAAAAHHHHHHH!" Tom: Well, there it is. We've waited through the entire series, and finally it comes screaming at us. "Just drop it, Raye," Amy interjected. "We have more important business at hand. My computer has records of what Ted did. It appears he remotely accessed his own computer with my modem. Crow: Okay, sounds reasonable... He scanned something In to its database, Tom: 'In'? Is that some sort of new character? Mike: Maybe it's the voice that keeps popping up. and then utilized a virus of some sort. Crow: God only knows how he got it onto a magazine. The things that puzzles me is that I don't have a scanner and there are no computers on Earth capable of scanning something through their monitor. Tom: So to sum it up, Ted accessed his computer via modem, and his computer somehow managed to change the material components of Amy's computer so that it could talk without speakers and scan things through a monitor, yet these changes were temporary? Come on Ted, give us some credit! Couldn't you have thought of something a little less contrived? Mike: Nice rant. When I tried to access Ted's computer the in the same manner, it said it had an error connecting." Crow: But I was was too lazy to try again.... "Do ya think this guy's a...hacker?" questioned Serena. Tom: No, I think he handles viruses for fun and waves magazines in front of computers. Mike: It's a wonder more Sailor Scouts aren't patronizing around Serena. "It's likely, hackers are about the only people that know how to handle viruses without damaging their own computer." Crow: Unfortunately, my coputer wasn't owned by Ted, so I'm still trying to recover what's left of my hard drive.... The discussion continued, mostly in favor of that Ted was a servant for the Negaverse and that he should be confronted at once. Tom: Yes, in the Sailor Moon universe anything remotely evil is considered to be from the Nega-verse. ------------------------------------------------------------- Ted was exhausted after his nervous breakdown and decided to do some hacking. Mike: Nothing relieves stress more than messing with missile coordinates. Crow: I think I'll blow up every Shinto temple in the country. After all, it is only a rip-off of Buddhism. Mike: You're not going to let that go, are you? Crow: Not really. Boy, I'd love to hack Microsoft, he thought, but it's so well protected. Tom: With all that Java stuff going on, I can't keep up! I feel like doing a little more devious type of thing. He decided to root through people's e-mail. Crow: Ooohh... that's so much worse than hacking into a corporation's website. Tom: It's nice that he gives us the details of how Ted does this. It was boring work, and he found e-mail mostly from newsgroups and mailing lists and those annoying people that send the dreaded "spam." His thoughts wandered, and he absent-mindedly found himself rooting through Serena's e-mail. All: Serena knows how to use email?? Tom: Man, she is OOC.... Only by looking at it did it jerk him back to reality. Serena's e-mail program had encrypted the letters, but with his knowledge of the binary system and hexadecimal, he managed to piece some of it together. From what he could make out, there were letters addressed to Amy and Raye, All: There's a computer at the Temple?? Crow: Well, Grandpa does have to have his porn... her friends, and something about sailor scouts, negaverse, things you'd find in a science fiction movie. Tom: Or a poorly dubbed fantasy show with its appeal based on short skirts and cleavage. Very interesting, he thought, no wonder my hosts are always..."busy" Crow: It could be those lesbian sex orgies they're always having too... Mike: Crow!! ------------------------------------------------------------- The trio were on their way to Serena's house when they saw smoke coming from the main district. They decided the matter with ted could wait Tom: Meanwhile he's rootin' through their stuff, finding out their secret identities. and transformed into their Sailor alter- egos and made haste to the source of the smoke. Another monster from the Negaverse was on the loose, and it was up to the Sailor Scouts to stop them. Crow: No, I thought the Tank Police would stop them. Tom: Or the AD Police. Crow: Please. Even a youma could waste the AD police. "Halt, nega-scum! I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice. In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" Mike: So just sit there while I make this long and chliched speech! The monster utterted Tom: Yes, the amazing Utter-Ted! When evil sours the milk of society, Utter-Ted with be there! Mike: Man, no wonder he's crazy. Hazing three alter-egos is no picnic. a growl and charged toward them, claw-laden arms extended. The scouts jumped sideways, leaving the monster with the street to shred. Crow: Fools! The street was my original target! Mike: I'm going to shred the hell out of this street! It landed with a crash, spun and saw the three backing away, obviously shaken. Tom: But not stirred. It faked another charge, and swiped the air with its claws. The trio were, for a millisecond, puzzled at why the creature would do such a stupid thing, Mike: Because it's in this story, and it wants you to mercy-kill it? but quickly backtracked as the saw four claw-shaped projectiles aimed at their heads. The three barely had time to duck and one of them grazed Amy's right shoulder. Crow: Hopefully knocking off her bra... Mike: Okay, that does it. Crow: No! Not 'TimeSpeeder' again! I'm sorry! I'll behave! Mike: Be good. Crow: Fine.... "Amy! Are you all right?!" "I think so. It was just a scrat...aah!" Tom: The monster's taking advantage of the time we spend talking! No fair! The beast used the distraction to take a swipe at Amy. She thought it was the end, but the claw stopped its motion in midair as a red and black arm shot out and prevented Amy's death. All: How?? Crow: Couldn't the monster just rip through the arm? The monster was flipped over by the Dragon of Fire. All: HOW?? "I am the Dragon of Fire!" he exclaimed. "For defiling the Ancients, you shall be destroyed!" Tom: Of course I was out getting drunk when Aeris was slaughtered, but I won't let that happen again. Crow: Man, what I wouldn't give to see Sephiroth stab Dragon of Fire throught the spine with Masamune. The creature tried to take a swipe, but the Dragon ducked and punched its inner arm. It screeched in pain, giving the Dragon an open shot at its chest. Mike: Since you are Self-inserted, I have no choice but to exagerrate pain and make myself an easy target. "Shinkuu...HADO-KEN!" (Hadoken means fireball in Japanese. You've probably heard Ryu or Ken of Street Fighter fame shout this as they throw a fireball. I have no idea what Shinkuu means.) Tom: Why did you use it then? It could mean 'fake' or 'idiot', for all you know. The being of Fire released a massive globe of burning energy at the monster's exposed chest. It burned into ashes, which were blown away by the wind. He turned to look at the Sailor Scouts. He could see that the black-haired one was obviously jealous of his talents. Crow: And my rugged good looks. In a somber tone he uttered, "Farewell. I hope the next time we meet will be on more peaceful grounds." Crow: A bed, for instance. Mike: Why bother? With that, the crossed his right arm over his chest and vanished into the sky. The three looked up into the air, perhaps to catch a glimpse of him, but he was gone. Tom: Good riddance! Crow: Thanks for nothing, dickweed. No matter, they had more pressing business... Mike: IfyaknowwhatImean! Crow: Good timing! ------------------------------------------------------------- Ted was drumming his fingers against the armrest of a chair, trying to thing of something to do. Crow: That is _really_ beneath me. Well, he thought, I should get off that computer. Crow: Stop making yourself such as easy target, Ted. Tom: He really needs to phrase that better. I wonder what's on T.V..., he barely had time to finish the thought as the three girls head Mike: Geez, all of these wasted opportunities for hentai jokes... come to know as his hosts in Japan, Tom: Ah, my hosts! Allow me to bury my head into your ankle, and suck your blood until I swell to twice my normal size. Mike: Pop him! Pop him! burst in, obviously flustered, about what, he didn't know. Crow: It could have something to do with the multiple lemons they're forced into every day. "Alright, Ted Polak, or should I say, servant for the negaverse?" remarked Serena in a bossy, commanding tone. Tom: As if she had one. Crow: Geez, Serena, couldn't you be a little more subtle? "Huh? You're talking crazy, Serena. Maybe you should lie down." Mike: I wasn't talking to you, disembodied voice! "Don't play dumb with me," Tom: I'm not playing! I'm naturally this way! said Serena, grabbing him by the collar. "When we're through with you, you'll regret your...what in the?" Crow: Why do have this sudden urge to go dominatrix on him? Tom: Ah, the magic of self-insertion... Mike: You know, I think the glow of the arcade game is starting to wear off. A beam of light had burst through the ceiling of the room and was focused on Ted. It seemed to grab him molecule by molecule and pull him to its point of origin. Tom: Alright! The aliens from ID4 have him! Crow: We'll force you into our overrated movie whether you like it or not! Ted screamed all the way up, not knowing what to think, or even where he was going Mike: Not knowing if his sentences would end in periods. End Pt. 4 Woohoo! The plot thickens. All: Send all types of e-mail to arturusxr@earthlink.net. Pt. 5 will be particulary juicy, I hope. Crow: Haven't you been listening? Stop using phrases with double meanings! Ideas are swarming in my head and have caused me to have gone into a catatonic state. Tom: We can only hope. Perhaps your e-mail will break me out. Tom: We hope not. Mike: C'mon you guys, let's roll. <1,2,3,4,5,6, dogbone> Mike: Well, one more part to go and we're done with this crazy fic. Tom: In all reality, Mike, this wasn't a bad fic. Mike: Really? Explain? Crow: If you can find one good point about this fanfic, I'll give you five RAMchips. Tom: Easy. Ted learned about plot twists pretty well in this chapter. He actually made it possible that someone else was the Dragon of Fire, or that the Red Dragon and Dragon of Fire were two different people! Crow: True, but if it isn't Ted, he'd have to contrive something to cover all of the story time wasted on Ted. Mike: I guess we won't know until the next chapter. Mike: Well, I wonder what's going down at Hammer 13. Crow: Hammer time! Kasparov: No, I don't know how it sprouted legs! It can't possibly see you either! My computer never had a camera! And what's more, The Moonromance archive lost 'Red Dragon Rising' Part Five! Now what will I show you guys? Kornadov: Man, those Mac Powerbooks sure are wily. Good work, Arsenal. Kornadov: Get a load of this. Kapraov: Well, it seems I have something a little more painful in store for you. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! Close communications, Kornadov. THE END Author's notes: Well, my first series is finally done. I'm sure everybody has a lot of questions. Like why Procanadids? Why is Hammerspace pink? And what are the Procanadids doing there? Well, the next series should clear a few of these things up. It should be 'Sailor Moon in America', if all goes well. It's written by The Great Red Serpent of 'The Coming of Munihausen' fame, so it should be fun. Anyway, email comments, compliments, and critique to arsenal_13@hotmail.com.