Authors' Notes: B: Well... my fifth MSTing and first collaboration. Joy of joys. This one's an actually pretty decent SM self-insertion from a friend of NB's. It's still very MSTable, though... ;) In case anyone's wondering, the *good* riffs are all mine. ;) And the really pathetic, groan-inducing ones are Nightbreak's. *click* Heh. Anyway, over to you, NB. Just point that gun somewhere else... ;) Nightbreak: Whatever you say, B. If you've got the better riffs, I've got the better host segment. :) This is my 12th MSTing and first collaboration. The author, Sandra Hobbs, is a dear friend of mine who wondered on a bus ride home if her work could be MSTed. *Heh heh heh.* I called Blazej and the two of us got down to it. As members of the same Anime Club here in Ottawa and of Shinji's MSTing Vault, we've just got the best of both worlds. ========================================================== The Critic's Oath: "Though the subject be divine and the outlook wide and vasty, Put starch in your spine and say something nasty." - Isaac Asimov ========================================================== "Best Brains on Drugs", in conjunction with "Assorted Ramblings" presents. . . "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE COMBINED" by Blazej Szpakowicz & Nightbreak Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and those who distribute it. Any other anime characters mentioned herein are the property of their own creators and distributors. Mystery Science Theatre is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people who work with that show. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. We're students. We. Have. No. Money. Deal with it. ( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. ) In the not too distant future, Up in the S.o.L., Joel Robinson and his robot pals, have been condemned to hell. Their friendly local lunatic cranks, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, Have decided that they hate Joel's guts, So they shot him into space and tried to drive him nuts. (Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) We'll send him cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control, Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) Because he used those special parts, to make his robot friends ROBOT ROLL CALL! Cambot! (Roll 'em!) Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) Crooooooow! (Bite me!) If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, And other science facts, (la la la) Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax, For Mystery Science Theatre Combined!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 1900 HOURS* *BANG!* "Hey Joel, what was that?" *BANG!* "Beats me, Gypsy." *BANG!* "It sounds like something banging." "I know that, Gypsy. Tom? Crow? What are you guys up to now?" *BANG!* Just then, both Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot came on to the bridge. "Hey Joel, what's with all the banging?" Tom asked. "Yeah," said Crow, "Is Dr. F. using us as a target for that set of Deadly Ninja Throwing Christmas Fruitcakes again?" *BANG! BANG!* "I don't know, guys. I kind of thought it was you two, but since you're here. . . " Joel trailed off and shrugged. *BANG!* "Uh, Joel? I think it's coming from outside the Satellite!" "Thanks, Gypsy. Let's check it out. Cambot, give us Rocket # 9." The hexfield monitor whirred to life, just in time to show the flaming mass of a meteor heading straight for the Satellite of Love. Joel and his three bots exchanged agonized glances before reaching the same conclusion. "HIT THE DECK!!" *BOOOOOM!* The floor rocked wildly, sending Joel, Tom, and Crow sliding into a heap at one end of the bridge. "OUCH!" "Servo, quit mashing my face!" "Well, take your beak out of my hoverskirt, Golden Boy!" "Guys, would you stop fighting and get us untangled here?" Gypsy unwound herself from the pipe she had snagged and checked a nearby console. "No damage to the Satellite, Joel," she reported, "But there's a whole shower of those things out there!" "Anything as big as the last one?" Joel asked, managing to sit up. "Negative. We'll be okay. But I can't say the same for the other five hundred satellites in orbit with us!" Crow and Tom rushed to the nearest window. "AHHHH! THE HUBBLE!" "It's looking like Swiss Cheese," Tom said, a note of awe in his voice. "Ooh, ooh, look at the Anik E! It's spinning out of control!" "What about Mir? They're really getting bounced around out there." Crow turned around. "Joel, you have _got_ to see this! This is the coolest thing to happen up here in years!" Before Joel and Gypsy could make their way to the window, the bridge began strobing a deep red. Joel sighed. "Hold that thought, guys. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton are calling." *DEEP 13* Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank had their arms linked together and were dancing a hodown in the middle of the laboratory, laughing and waving pieces of paper in the air. Then they spotted Joel and the bots on the viewscreen. "Ah, hello again, Meteor Men," chortled Dr. Forrester, shaking himself loose and coming over to the console. "I apologize for our good humour today, but Frank has managed to do something right for once." Holding his paper up to the camera, he unfolded it. "This little beauty here is a cheque for more than five million dollars! We won the lottery! Now I can invest all those winnings into bad fanfics and movies, keeping you in that theatre around the clock!" "And the sauna in the lab, Doc. Don't forget the sauna." "I certainly won't, Frank! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAH!" "Dr. F., we _know_ you're evil. We don't need the laugh to tell us." Joel pointed out. "Oh. I guess you're right. Well, do you have your invention ready? *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Joel stretched out in a webbed deck chair and picked up a hand fan. "Here it is, sirs. You know how, when it's summer out, you just want to sit somedays in the nice, warm sun with a good book? We all do. But before too long, what happens? You're all warm. . . and the mosquitoes find you." From above, strings dropped with plastic flies on the ends, landing on Joel's face and body. He waved at them, knocking them away only to have them swing back in. "Soon you're using your book as a swatter and it gets so bad that you rush back inside and your day is ruined. Well, no more hassle with our Airy Deck Chair!" He reached over and pressed a button on the arm. From both sides, the head and foot, and beneath the chair, large house fans emerged. With much whirring, they all started up. Joel had to raise his voice to be heard over their noise. "YOU SEE, ANY BUG THAT TRIES TO GET CLOSE TO YOU WILL BE BLOWN STRAIGHT UP INSTEAD! AND IT REALLY COOLS YOU OFF, TOO! WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIRS?" He hit the button again, shutting the system down. *DEEP 13* "Not bad, Joel. Kind of hard to get into your little Volkswagen Beetle for picnics, though. But you'll _love_ our little invention." Dr. Forrester picked up a card. "It looks like your average greeting card. In fact, it's the result of a little kit we've put together down here. Now, say you've just been laid off. It happens to the best of us. And you're rather unhappy about it and want to let the boss know how you feel. With the Forrester Instant Nasty Card Helper, or FINCH, relief is just a short note away. See, it even comes with crushed dead rose petals on the front." On the viewscreen, Tom and Crow looked at each other. "Uh, Dr. F., that doesn't seem _too_ evil. . ." "Oh, that's right. I neglected to mention what happens when your boss _opens_ the card." Leaning back, Dr. Forrester used the tips of his fingers to open the greeting card. A small spray of blue gas hissed out from a hidden nozzle in the fold. "It's the ultimate in poison pen letters! One whiff of this and your boss will be hospitalized for months or worse! Who knows? They may even need someone to take his place. It comes in both gas and hidden poison darts, so there's always a way to say, "I hate you" ." Putting his invention down, Dr. Forrester chuckled again. "Well, your experiment today is nothing short of one of your favorites: A Sailor Moon self-insertion." Joel and the bots froze. "Oh _no_!!" murmured Crow, "Oscar's dead! And we're not supposed to be doing Gonterman! That's Mike Surbrook's job!" Tom's dome began filling with smoke. "Please say it's not. Please say it's not. Please say it's not. . ." "Oh, quit your whining, bot brains. It's _not_ David or Chris OR Oscar. It's someone a little different, with a thing for red hair and green eyes. See if you can spot which self-insertion character she is. Frank! Let's knock them for a loop!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* The alarm began to sound, but was brutally smashed by another rain of meteors. As the hammering of the Satellite of Love continued, the usual chaos also continued. "OHHHHHH, WE'VE GOT SELF-INSERTION SIGN!" Door 6: *Scribble, Scribble* Door 5: *Slam!* Door 4: *Flap, Flap, Flap* Door 3: *Tappity Tappity Tap!* Door 2: *Rrrrip!* Door 1: *Cloud Goes Up, Cloud Goes Down. . . * Carrying Tom in his arms, Joel enters the theatre. Crow follows, taking the seat on the far right. Joel sits on his left and puts Tom down on the third seat from the right. ROLL EM!! > Author's note: I came up with the idea for this Tom: Shortly after bumping my head on the shower nozzle. > before I'd even heard about the outer Senshi. As a result, the characters > will not be according to the NA or Japanese shows (as far as I know). Joel (Author): I have complete and utter control over their destiny! HAHAHA! > I have taken a few liberties with the other characters (inner Senshi, > Tuxedo Mask, et al) Crow: Et al?' Joel: Maybe it's Luna's replacement. > but I will try to keep them as close as possible to the ones I have seen > in assorted eps. and movies. > > This will hopefully not be viewed by anyone Tom: Too late. > as a parody, copyright infringement, mutilation of characters or as an > insult to Sailor Moon. It is not intended as such and if I tread on > anyone's toes or unknowingly offend them, I apologize. Crow: We're not offended just yet, but I can't say the same for Bane or anyone in SMIRC. > I hope this will be enjoyed by all, Tom: We would enjoy it if enjoyment was in our contract. Joel: Tom, we don't have a contract. We're being tortured. Tom: Oh, right. > and seeing as how I don't much go for the 'Blood, Gore and Sex' type > story, this would probably be rated PG or PG-13 as a movie. Crow: Okay. _you_ keep the Blood and Gore. Just give us the sex. Joel: Crow. . . > Any creatures and/or characters that have not been shown on T.V. or > appeared in other FANFICs are of my own creation. Joel: Standing for "Failing Authors Needing Final Insurance Coverage." > This also applies to any Scouts other than the inner Senshi, Tuxedo Mask, > and Reenie. Tom: Then that also includes the Boy Scouts. Joel: Why do I feel a self-insertion Sailor Scout coming on? > Any constructive criticism would be appreciated (flames will be > ignored), Crow: Unless my hair is on fire. > as well as any comments. Please don't expect a chapter/segment every > week, or on any regular schedule. I will be writing when I have Tom: A pen. > the time (mostly when Jesse is sleeping) and have no idea how much I can > get done in any given length of time. Crow: Jesse? > > I realize I may use words usually not connected with the Scouts, Joel: Like "brains", "maturity". . . > but They are words I tend to use and read everyday. If you want to know > what they mean, to quote many parents: Crow: "Go to your room"? > "Look it up!" > > Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you will enjoy it. Joel: That's the second time she's said that. You guys think we'll enjoy it? Tom: Depends. If it's ultimate godgirl self-insertion, someone's going to pay. > > Sandra E. Hobbs > > >***************************************************************** > I WILL REMEMBER YOU >***************************************************************** Tom: That is, once I dig myself out of this snowbank. > > *CHAPTER 1* Tom: Audience 0. > WHEN FIRST WE MET Crow: When first we met, I thought you were irritating. When second we met, I didn't even *know* you! > "Oooohhhh!" Serena drooled Tom (John Cleese): A bucket for madame? Joel: And ze cleaning woman. > "Aren't these dresses gorgeous? OH! I want to go in!" she exclaimed > while trying to pull her friends over to the shop. Crow: Tighten up on that leash, girls. > "After all, it's new and we want to make sure it doesn't go under." > This last was said while slurping the ice cream that had started to melt. Tom: She's also slurping that drool from earlier. All: EWWWWW! > "Get real Serena! Like they'd let YOU in, especially with an > ice cream cone in your hand." Raye snorted Crow: Oh, but what did she "snort"? Joel: She's got a point. A klutz with an ice cream cone in a fancy dress shop? Can we say, "ready-made disaster"? > "Besides, the shop is closed. Can't you read the signs?" Tom: "No Serenity, No Sailor Scouts, No Service"? ... the hell? > With a supercilious sneer she started Joel: Singing strange songs starring Sissy Spacek. > to walk past. "After all, who would be open This early in the morning?" Tom: Just a guess: An ice cream shop? Crow (Serena): Well, those slave dealers on the corner of Takahashi Avenue are always open! > "Well Raye," Ami answered All: Eh-Eh! Wrong answer! Tom: Once again, your answer must be in the form of a question. > "if it were not for the meeting you called, NONE of us would be up this > early. And, I would like Crow (Daffy Duck): I would like? I would like a trip to Europe! > to at least look in the window to see what they have. Joel (Ami): None of us can afford it, but it's nice to dream... > I'll be needing a new dress soon." Crow (Ami): Artemis shredded the last one. > "Is Greg taking you somewhere Ami?" Lita asked. Tom (Ami): We're going to the Edge and back! > Then, as Ami was trying to hide her red face in a book she added "You > know he sort of reminds me..." Crow: If she says 'of my old boyfriend'... > "Of your old boyfriend!" the group chorused. > "Well, actually, no. All: (blank stare) Joel: Who are you and what have you done to the real Lita?? > He reminds me of a camp councillor I met once when I was five. Tom: ...who was hands down the most boring stiff I've ever run across! > You guys are starting to stereotype me a little I think." she said with > an injured tone of voice. Crow (Lita): Would you mind changing the ribbon on that stereotypewriter? > "I'm not that boy-crazy." > "We know Lita, Tom: So do we. Crow: In many and various ways. Joel: Mostly through the distorted eyes of deranged fanboys. > we just like to joke around a little, we don't me to hurt you." Tom (Evil Voice): Allow me to hurt you... > "Thanks Mina," Lita said, giving her friend a hug "I DO know that, > I'm just a little touchy first thing in the morning. Crow: Touchy-feely, you mean. Joel: With her strength? I'd hate to be her alarm clock. Tom: *RIIINNNGG!* *SMASH!* > But looking in here does sound like a good idea. Joel (Lita): Yeah, let's fool the owners into thinking we're gonna buy something! > What time does it open?" Tom: As soon as you girls leave the area. Crow (Mina): I dunno, but those dates and times stuck up on the front door usually mean something > "If you'd really like to look at them, why don't you come in now?" > a voice interjected Joel: Hey, an interactive muzak. Cool! > "The store doesn't officially open 'till nine, but since you're here, > come on in." the stranger unlocked and opened Tom: Showing lungs, ribs, and intestines. > the door and gestured for the five girls to come in. Joel: Then locked the door behind them and swallowed the key. >END OF CHAPTER ONE Crow: And the point of that chapter *was*? > *CHAPTER TWO* Tom: Audience still 0. > A FACE TO REMEMBER Tom (Groucho Marx): But in your case, I'll make an exception. > > Lita, taking the lead, strolled into the store asking "So, if the > store doesn't open 'till nine, why're you here so early?" Crow (store owner): Oh, just a convenient plot device, why? >"Just look at how I'm dressed! I need to change, Joel: The grunge look doesn't exactly endear the customers. > and coming in early lets me have some time on the sewing machine > uninterrupted." Serena and her friends, having finished their ice > creams entered the shop and studied the stranger. Tom: Did you get a good look at her? Did you see her face? Could you spot her in a parade? > Her hair, elaborately braided and arranged in an upswept style Crow: Translation: Bride of Frankenstein hairdo. > contrasted oddly with her jean jacket and casual attire. Her green eyes > sparkled with fun Joel: ...or possibly intoxication. > and showed signs of intelligence and maturity beyond her years. All (singing in deep voices): For she is... one thousand years old! > "Since I own the shop I'm the only employee right now and I Crow (store owner): ...get to pay myself too little money and curse myself under my breath! > need as much time as possible on my Gem" she said waving vaguely > in the direction of a gleaming sewing machine. Tom: What, she gives sewing machines pet names? Joel (store owner): And that over there is my refrigerator, Bob! > "By the way, I'm Selina and you are...." Tom: Trapped in a crappy fanfic. > "I'm Ami, and these are my friends Lita, Raye, Mina and Serena." she said > pointing to each in turn. Crow: And Sneezy, and Grumpy and Doc... and Torgo, who takes care of the place while we're gone! > "I'm certainly impressed by your workmanship. This dress here," pointing >to a dress she'd been studying in one of the other corners of the shop "is >most interesting, Tom (Ami): The complete lack of material between the neck and the waist, for example. > the stitching on the collar must have been difficult to do with your > machine." > "I didn't use the machine." Selina said proudly. Crow (Selina): The machine used me! > "I did it all by hand" waiting for the exclamations to die down a little > she said "That was one thing I was taught when I was younger; how to wield > a needle." Tom: In combat to the death! > As jaws hit the floor, Crow: The tooth fairy had a field day. > she continued "Yes, that's one thing I'll always be grateful to Jinal > for. All: Jinnai?? > If it hadn't been for my sewing, I might never have got this far.... Tom (Selina): Yes, many's the time my stitch saved nine. > Anyhow, why are you gals up and about so early?" > Lita came up with, Joel: A lame excuse. > "Well, uh, Raye here invited us out for breakfast, Tom: Ice cream figured heavily in breakfast, it seems. > and we wanted to beat the rush. We figured six would be early > enough, so here we are!" Crow: (Nervous Selina): Okay Gem, you distract them, I'll go for the phone. > Continuing her line of creative reasoning, Tom: Is this the same type of creative as is used to describe Dr. Thinker's grammar? > she added, "We're getting together to see if we can get a date for > Serena." Quickly she averted her eyes from the daggers Serena was shooting > her way. Crow: So she got impaled through the *back* of the head instead. > Pulling a handful of envelopes out of a drawer, Selina handed them over > to the girls. Joel: Let's see... Fake passports, I.D., money, and keys. Yep, you've got everything you need to defect from this fic and return to Japan. > "Well, you might want to give this a shot then. A charity ball, and > escorts will be provided for everyone. Tom: We're looking for the finest computer geeks available! > My cousin set it all up but decided she didn't want to be in the > spotlight. Now, guess who she asked to be MC?" Crow: Hammer? Joel: Billy Crystal? Tom: Whoopi Goldberg? > Feigning ignorance Mina asked, "Who?" Joel: Nope. He's on first. > "Me! Tom (sighs): Who else? Joel: I knew I caught a whiff of foreshadowing on that self-insertion. > And she's asked me to accept most of the dress and tux orders too; this > will be great for publicity. Crow: Bet you anything that before this series is over, Tux Boy will be buying his outfit from her. Tom: You're on. > So if you'd come, I'd kind of like a few familiar faces in the audience. > And I'll make dresses just for you! Please?" Crow (Selina): Pretty please, with Fabio on top? Joel (Raye): All right! Geez, now will you quit clinging to my ankle? > "Aaaaawwwwwww! Tom: Oh, she's in pain. > Can't we go Raye? It would be fun!" Serena pleaded > "What are you asking me for Meatball Head? It's up to you, I can't > dictate your life." Raye snapped back. Crow (Raye): But I'll try my damndest anyway! > "Could have fooled me!" Lita murmured under her breath. > "Meatball Head? Who came up with such a ridiculous name > for her?" Selina queried. Joel: The writers of the dub. Tom: I think Sandra got hold of a thesaurus somewhere for synonyms on the word "said". > "No-no-one special." Serena trembled. "Just some guy on the street." Tom: So, Tux-Boy isn't special? Well, at least we agree on *that*... > Turning away to hide the tears forming in her eyes, she said "So, what > sort of dress do you think I should have?" Crow: Breakaway? Joel: Crow! Crow: Just kidding. Lita, I wouldn't mind. Serena? Ugh. Tom: Fanboy. > With unnatural gaiety, "I want it to be a knock out dress that'll turn heads! Tom (Announcer): Oh the men are down! The referee is calling for the bell and this match is over! The winner, by knockout, the dress!! Others: *huzzah*! > And.. I'll even change my hair!" All: (gasps of surprise) Tom: Oh my God.... How *could* she! Crow: Yeah! Instead of meatballs, go for baguettes! Joel: *sniff* Years of meatballs, gone! Forever! > The others chorused their willingness to go as well. Tom: I'll goooooo! Crow: I'll goooooo! Joel: I'll goooooo! All (3 part harmony): I'll goooooo! > Picking up a measuring tape, Selina said "If you'll trust me to make a > good choice for fabric and style, Tom (Selina): Saaay, a burlap sack? > I just need your measurements Crow (produces little black book): Let's see... . I know they're here somewhere. > and I can start right away! How about you all come in a little while > later and I'll show you what I have?" Tom (Selina): Come around to the back door, give the secret knock, and when they ask you for the password, say "Negaverse." Oops. Gave myself away. > While the others tried to decide what time they could come, Serena left > saying, "I'll be All (Schwartzenneger): ...baaaaack! > in a bit later this morning with my cousin - she'll want to > see that! Ta-ta!" Joel (British): Ta! Don't forget to come back for scones! > The others decided they couldn't come 'till that afternoon, so they > made arrangements to meet outside the shop after their lunches. Joel: On the menu today: Fried or cooked horsemeat, for $14.95! Tom: Poison Toadstool Salad, for $2.75! Crow: And for desert, a block of ice for only $1.95! > > When Serena popped her head Tom: *KABLOOIE!* All: EWWWW! > in later that morning she warbled "Hello! Crow: It's me, the little Meatball Head of Happiness! Tom: Warbled? Warbled?? Warbled??? Sure, she's birdbrained, but... > I've brought my cousin, like I promised! Can I see the dress idea?" > "Reenie!" Selina cried. Joel (Selina): Oh, NO! You brought the pink fungus with you! > " 'Lina!" Tom: Uh-oh. Looks like Mina and Lita got scrambled in the transporter. Crow: Not a bad combo idea, though. Tom: Fanboy. Joel: Somewhere, Lina Inverse is crying... > Reenie ran towards Selina and gave her a huge hug. "You're making a >dress for Serena? Do you think you can make her pretty? Joel (Selina): Well.... no. > It'll take you a long time..." > "Rennie! Tom: Evil twin sister of Ronnie of the Archies. Joel: Actually, that should be *nice* twin sister. Ronnie's already evil. Tom: True. > That's not nice! Serena doesn't need any help to be beautiful, she > already is." Crow: Yeah, right. And, to coin a cliche, what colour is the sky in your world? Joel: This is Sandra, Crow. Don't ask. You won't like the answer. (Author pops head into theatre) Sandra: Well, today it's purple, but by tomorrow, who knows? (She disappears, leaving a stunned silence.) Joel: See? > As Serena looked up in astonishment, Selina continued, "Are you > coming to the ball too? If you are, maybe you could be my assistant MC. Tom (Selina): That's the person that gets to handle all the complaints and angry guests. > Could she?" this last was asked of Serena. > "Suuure, I suppose. But what about my dress?" Crow (Selina): Oh, bite me. It's impossible to make you look good, anyway! > "Here it is Serena, do you like it?" > Serena gasped as she looked at the confection being held out towards > her. Joel: She made an *edible* dress? Crow (Serena): Yummy! *CHOMP!* Tom (Selina): You weren't supposed to EAT it, ditz! > "It's beautiful.. How can I thank you?" > "By wearing it with joy to the ball." Joel: Sure thing. Uh, which one is Joy? > "How much is it? It must be worth a fortune!" > "For you and your friends, the dresses are free. After all, I do need > some support at the ball." Crow: True confessions of a push-up bra user. Joel: Crow, that was just... Never mind. > "But....but..we can't let you do so much work and not pay you!" > "OK, let Reenie assist me in the MC division and we'll call it even." > "Are you sure? Crow (Selina): Sure, my boss could use some fresh meat... > I mean, you're not doing this because you feel sorry for us are you?" Joel: No, we're all suffering the same amount in this fic. > "No, I'm not! Reenie, c'mere!" Crow: Reenie, sic her! *GROWF!* > As Reenie scampered over from the corner she'd been playing in, > Selina asked, "Reenie, how long have you known me?" > "OH! Ages!" Reenie replied. > "And do we get along?" Crow (Reenie): Oh, *exceptionally* well... Joel: Quiet. (points at Reenie) Come on, no one gets along with *that*! > "Uh-huh. _Please_ can I help, Serena?" > "Well, I don't see why not." Serena capitulated. Tom: As she flew screaming over the castle wall. Joel: No, Tom. "Capitulated", not "catapulted." Tom: Ah. > "When do you want us to pick up our dresses?" > "How about the night of the Gala, that way you can all meet your > escorts at once?" Selina suggested Crow (Selina): Their names are Larry, Curly, Moe, and Shemp. > "And, by the way, who's going to do your hair?" > "Oh! Uhhhh.. I don't know. Do you know of any good salons?" Joel: Oh, come on. You've got four girlfriends, _none_ of whom are capable of doing hair? I find that hard to believe. > "Tell you what, come a couple of hours early, and I'll do it for you." Crow: Yet another aspect of a self-insertion character rears its ugly head. > "Thanks! Reenie! Stop pulling my sleeve, you're going to rip it off!" > "But the others are here too! Let's go get them!" Tom: INTENSE EXCLAMATION ACTION!!!!! > As they ran to get the other girls, Serena was busy thinking. Joel: But how long can she think and run at the same time? > "I wonder how Selina and Reenie met?" she wondered. "Hey guys! > Wait up!" Momentarily distracted by the sight of a new cafe, All (Serena): IT'S FOOD!! > Serena tripped and landed face flat on the sidewalk. Joel: Our first nominee for faceplant of the week. Six out of ten. Crow: Seven out of ten. Tom: Oh... Nine. It wasn't very sound technically but there was such *heart* in it. > Sitting up quickly, she saw her shoes flying through the air. Tom: Faster than a speeding bullet! It's SuperShoe! > "Ow! Watch where you throw things!" a voice called. Crow: Oh, good aim. Tom: Calling convenient Darien entrance... You have an opening. . . > Serena ran over red faced and ready to apologize. Crow: Leaving footprints on the infamous Dick Tracy Villains "Red- Faced" and "Ready To Apologize". > She almost ran straight into someone's chest. "Hey, slow down.... Serena?" Tom (voice): Are you still a klutz? > Looking up into a pair of blue eyes, she saw them turn icy. Crow: Joel, would *you* dip your eyes in liquid nitrogen? Joel: No, I don't think so... > Dropping her shoes at her feet, he turned swiftly and strode away. > "Darien, wait! I'm sorry!" Watching his back recede into the > distance, Crow: Serena decided to speak to his legs that had stayed beside her. > Serena fought back tears for the second time that day. Tom: Whine, whine, whine! That's all you ever do! > "Well!" Suddenly angry, she turned her back on his direction and slipped > her shoes back on. "If you weren't such a magnet for trouble Mr. I-don't > care, we'd never even have to look at each other again!" she muttered. Tom: Why doesn't Darien care? Film at eleven... Joel: Man, talk about your mood swings. Crow: That wasn't a mood swing, Joel. That was a playground. > "Serena! Are you all right?" her friends called. Joel (Serena): Not since this show was dubbed into English! > "Yeah. Oh! That reminds me, I've got some good news. Crow (Serena): I'm infertile! Tom (other scout): What about Reenie? Crow (Serena): Oh, she's just an anomaly! Tom (other scout): Well, at least we agree on *that* point. > Our dresses can be picked up the night of the ball. And Reenie's > going to be assistant MC!" Joel: Marriage Counselor? Crow: Music Champion? Tom: McDonald's Courier? > A round of congratulations and exclamations of surprise and > pleasure were dealt (Everyone picks up their cards) Joel: Got any exclamations of surprise? Crow: Go Fish. > with fairly quickly. "So Reenie, how did you get asked to be > MC too?" Mina asked. Tom: Too? Did Mina get asked while we weren't looking? Joel: And, ladies and gentlemen, our MC... She didn't want to be here, but fortunately, we managed to hold her family hostage... Sailor V! > "'Lina and I know each other, so she asked me." Reenie replied > casually. "I'm going to go to the park now. Bye!" Crow: Ah, "the park". A vital part of any Sailor Moon fanfic. > with that, she ran off towards the park across the street. > Watching her go, Serena said thoughtfully "They seemed to have > know each other for a long time. Tom: Hey, Sandra! I think Dr. Thinker got a hold of your keyboard! > I wonder how? Any ideas?" Crow: If so, please send $1,000 and your idea to Crow T. Robot, Satellite of Love, Space. Many will enter, none will win. > A chorus of no's arose and was cut into by Raye. "I'm not sure > how they know each other, but I've been getting some weird feelings > from that shop. Crow (Raye): My skirt always rides up when I go inside. > I don't know what Selina's up to, but I think we'd better keep and > eye on her... Joel (Ami): Okay. We'll keep. You eye on her. > I think there might be trouble." > Looking at the sombre faces around her, Ami said Crow (Ami): Arribaaa! Joel: Crow, that's _sombre_, not sombrero. Crow: Oh, spoil the joke for the readers, Joel. > "We'd better go look around hadn't we?" Joel (Ami): Yeah, breaking and entering is *fun*! > Sneaking up to the shop, the girls looked into one of the back > windows. Lita cracked it open a little so they could see and hear. Tom: Well, there's the 'breaking' part... > Selina was standing in front of a console they could hardly see. A voice > came out of it, "Have you located the Joel (voice): ...cheese steaks? We *must* have the cheese steaks... > little Rabbit yet?" > "Yes, my queen, I have" Selina replied with a smug tone in her voice. Crow (Selina): Have you prepared the mint sauce? Joel: Wait... she's evil? Tom: Hey, this fic's rating just went up in my book > "And you'll take care of her?" > "Of course, I already have the arrangements made.... they don't > suspect a thing." Joel: At least, not until the next chapter. . . > "Good, and it will have to stay that way." the voice said firmly. > "Don't worry about it. I've got it all under control." Tom: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Joel: "What's the worst that could happen?" Crow: Uh, what are "Famous Last Words", Alex? > "See that you do." Joel (voice): And bring me some donuts! > "Yes my queen. Until next time." And as she turned off the > console and turned away, Joel: She turned inside out and turned into a driveway. > a smile spread slowly across her lips. "I've got everything covered. Tom (Selina): Why, then, do I feel a draft somewhere? > She'll not get away...... not this time." Joel (Selina): I'll make Welsh Rarebit if it's the last thing I do! > Tom: Joel, can we leave now? > >*CHAPTER 3* Joel: Fraid not. >ALL THE QUEEN'S HORSES >***************************************************************** Crow: Couldn't shovel the snow away from the titles. Joel: Did you notice that all these titles have four words? Tom (Freud): Ze reasen for zis is because you zink zat you should be in ze Holy Trinity along viz ze Fadder, ze Son and ze Holy Goat... > Steaming mad, Serena kicked open the window and leaped into the > back room. The others, after exchanging perplexed glances followed suite. Tom: Oh my God! Serena's turned into a hotel room! Oh, the horror, the horror! Joel: Not the honeymoon suite, I hope. > They had never seen her in this type of a mood before, except for > when Darien had been captured by the Negaverse. "Hold it Negatrash! Tom (Negatrash): But I really have to go! > Just who are you working for?" Serena yelled. > Whirling around, Selina faced Serena squarely. Crow (Selina): Ah welcome, Mr. Bond... I mean, Meatball Head. > "Just what are you referring to, Serena?" she asked. > "As if you didn't know! Tricking us into handing over Reenie, so > that you could harm her - Joel (Serena): You should have asked! I'd have given her to you, free! > I don't think it's going to happen!" Serena half shouted with an > angry scowl on her face. All: Let it happen, let it happen, let it happen... > "Ah! I take it then that you heard my transmission Princess." > Selina said with understanding. > "Why did you call her 'Princess'?" demanded Raye, Crow (Selina): Because she's _my_ little princess! > "And just _who_ are you?" Joel: I'm the author, you fool! > "I will show you." said Selina. "If you will just let me > reestablish communications, you will see my queen Tom: Right now, she's pinned down by a knight and a bishop. > whom I was talking to." Moving towards the console, she was > blocked by both Lita and Raye. Crow: And as we all know, Lita can deliver a hefty hipcheck. *Mrow!* Joel: Crow... > "Very well, Ami, Would you do the honours?" she gestured > towards the keyboard. "The system is very simple, you can > figure it out without my help, I believe." Joel: It has two buttons: Stop and Go. Or is that too complicated? > Moving over towards the console, Ami studied it. "Indeed." she > said, "This is a very simple system. However, there are certain > components that I'm not familiar with. Tom (Ami): Like those things on the front... with letters and stuff on them. Crow (Selina): The keys? Tom (Ami): Yeah, that's it! The keys! > I'd like to analyse them before I even attempt to send a transmission." Joel: Let alone a fan belt or carburetor. > She pulled out her mini-computer, carefully concealing the Mercury > emblem on it. Flipping it open, she initiated a series of scans. Tom (Ami): Hmm... According to this... Hey, Mina, you're not a natural blond! Crow (Mina): Am too! Want me to prove it? Joel: Guys... > "That's curious.... the manifestation of tachyon emissions is > rather atypical, although they are subsiding. And.... the > chronometric particles are expanding way beyond the limits of the > graph!" Tom: Technobabble generator is going off the scale, sir! Joel: "I will Remember You", starring Leonard Nimoy as Ami... > Running a series of rapid calculations, she came to a conclusion: Tom (Ami): Hey, this doesn't do anything, it's just a prop! Crow: Like Mina? Tom: Well.... yeah. > "This device has been designed to penetrate the chronometric > obstruction with the purpose of broadcasting signals." Joel (random Scout): Really? (aside) Gee, do you think that's bad? > Seeing the perplexed demeanour everyone was exhibiting, > she explained: Tom (Ami): That's what's written in the script. Blame the author. > "There are a lot of unusual readings, and what they add up to > is that this was made to send a signal across time." > "Oh!" Serena said, her face clearing. Crow: Hey, those Oxypads are really working! > "Why didn't you say so?" Tom (Ami): Oh, cause the author decided to turn me into a Trekkie. *mumble mumble mumble death to Trekkies mumble mumble*. Crow: Careful there, our Co-MSTer might hear that... ;-) > Then, having though for a minute, she said "But that means she's > talking to someone from another time." Tom: Right... You must be one of those people who thinks Elvis is dead... > "That's right, Princess. And if you check further, Ami, you'll > find that the transmissions are being sent forward in time." Selina said. > "Confirmed. The transmissions are sent to the future." Ami replied. Joel: So in other words, it's just a telephone with a really bad connection? > "Now, answer this: why do you keep calling me 'Princess'?" Serena > demanded in a rather peeved tone. Crow (Selina): Because you remind me of my schnauzer at home! > "That is your rank, Princess - at the moment. Just as the others > are members of your inner court." > "How do you know? And who are you?" Serena stamped, looking > very un-princess like. All: As usual. > "Perhaps you should ask Reenie. Where is she by the way? I do > hope you haven't let her run off on her own." Selina frowned. > "There are people searching for her you don't want finding her." Tom: Yeah, CURE. > "Yeah, like you." Raye muttered as Selina looked at her in an > injured way Joel (Selina): Do you think I'm that *shallow*? Well... you're right! > "Reenie! I forgot all about her. Ami, You keep an eye on this > one, and see if you can figure out just when the messages are being > sent to!" Lita called as the rest of the group tied Selina up Tom: With a handy leather dress. Crow: Ooo, kinky. > and left to find Reenie. Tom: Unfortunately, they never thought to look in the stewpot... > > *** > Tom: Three stars? Hardly. > Shards of a crystalline substance were falling all around. Joel: Snow in May? We must be in Canada. > Looking up, he saw his princes standing upon a column and turning > to speak with him. Tom: Prince Charming and Prince Charles and the Artist Formerly known as Prince and... Joel: How did he fit multiple princes on one column? > Her eyes widened Crow: Whoa! Sex change operation! > and he heard her voice in his head as the column started to collapse. > 'Remember this. You must stop it from happening.' echoed in his mind. > Screaming in rage and denial Tom: He noticed that all his beer was gone. > he watched helplessly as the whole palace disintegrated. > Sitting up in bed, Darien reached for her picture, Crow (Darien): Oh, Miss October... Joel: Crow... > "I _am_ trying, but I don't know if I can save you." Leaning back against > the wall, he heard another voice. Joel (voice): I beg your pardon sir, but... GET OFF ME! > 'You must avoid her at all costs, if you are to save her.' > "Save her from what? Who are you?" he yelled to the voice in > his head. 'I am a wise man who has seen the future, All: (Groan) VERY SUBTLE HINT, SANDRA... > and is going to prevent it from happening again.' was the response > 'If you don't listen to me, it will mean disaster.' Tom: The Macarena will continue to spread unchecked! > As the voice left, Darien buried his face in his hands Crow: Hopefully six feet under... > and said, praying she would hear, "I'm so sorry my love, but in order > to save you, I must leave you forever." One tear, unnoticed fell and > landed on the picture. Joel: Awwww. (coughs) Excuse me. There was something in my throat... Probably bile. > *** > > Running along the sidewalk, Serena panted Crow: As she saw a fire hydrant coming up. > "She said she was going to the park, but where in the park?" Tom:(Serena): I mean, it's gonna take so *long* to search all thirty square feet of it! > She halted abruptly as a peculiar noise reached her ears, Joel (Serena): Gregorian chanting? ... the hell? > "Reenie! She's in trouble" The others looked at her oddly for > a moment, but then decided to trust her. Seconds after they > had started of again, Tom: We must restart the great and powerful Wizard of Of! > a beam of light pierced the sky. > "There she is! Over near the gardens!" Mina shouted. Joel: What's left of her is, at least! Crow (Mina): No, Reenie, honey! Don't eat the poison ivy! > She was about to suggest they transform when Serena shouted > "Moon Crystal Power!" Tom (Mina): Hey, Meatball Head, do you mind? I was going to say something! > The others also transformed with shouts of All (Scouts): Try and cover _this_ DiC! > "Mars Star Power!", "Jupiter Star Power!", "Venus Star Power!" > and "Scout Power!". Tom: Huh? Who was that last one? Crow: Maybe it's like, you know, "Girl Power"? Joel: Nah. Sailor Scouts vs. The Spice Squad already covered that one. > Taking no time to talk, they ran with even more urgency towards > the gardens. Tom (Scouts): In the name of the Moon, we will weed the gardens! > *** > > At the sight of the beam piercing the sky, both Ami and Selina > cursed. Crow: In fluent Klingon, of course. > Ami could feel the others transform, Joel: Not a word, Crow. > but could not risk leaving her charge unwatched. Selina said > with a plea in her voice "They have found her! You have to > let me go! Crow: We _need_ something to go with the potatoes! > I've got to protect her." > "No, I'm afraid that is impossible. Tom: No, taking your skis through a revolving door is impossible. This is just unlikely. > After all, for all we know, you are the person trying to harm her. > There is no way I'm letting you go!" Ami replied. Crow (Selina): Ami... why do still have your Japanese name? > "That's too bad, now you leave me no choice." Leaping up, Selina Crow: Whoa, whoa! Wasn't she, like, tied up?? > swung her fist at Ami, and hit her squarely on the jaw. Tom: *WHACK!* Joel (referee): How many fingers can you see? Crow (Ami): Thursday. *THUD!* > Ami's thought had been to dodge the swing, but her opponent had > clearly anticipated that. Before she hit the ground, she wondered > how her charge had gotten untied. Then, the world went black. Tom: And Dr. Forrester can't find us in the dark. > "I had hoped not to have to do that, for you might have been > useful. Joel: Read: Youma fodder. > But I could not let you warn your friends. That would ruin my plans." Joel: I'm sick of hearing about someone ruining your plans!! Someone's ALWAYS ruining someone's plans. Can't you just stop planning and be spontaneous for once? Or, even better, make a _new_ plan? STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT PEOPLE RUINING YOUR PLANS!!! Tom: Hey, nice rant, Joel. > Looking down at the prone form in front of her, Selina rubbed her >wrists. Crow: Whose wrists? Tom (Ami): Selina, could you rub my hands next? They're cold. > They had tied them almost too tight for her to escape from. But >she had. Now, she needed to go find the Rabbit. Joel: Anyone for stew? > *** > All (singing): TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR... > Bolting upright, he reacted to the noise that had reached his ears. Joel ("he"): Hey, it's the ice cream truck! >Reenie was in trouble. That meant that the Scouts were too. Tom ("he"): Ah well. Better go back to sleep. > And even though he would rather not face Sailor Moon, he had to > protect them. As he travelled to the park, the beam of light became > visible. It was time to act. Crow: ...so badly that it would make Sylvester Stallone green with envy! > *** > > Reenie had been playing cheerfully in the park, smelling the flowers > and dreaming of home, Tom: ...and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny were playing Strip Poker in the back room. > when a harsh voice reached her ears. "So little Rabbit, we > have found you after all. Where are your keepers, Little One?" Crow (Reenie): Oh, they're gone! But they left me all these nice carrots! Tom: In this case, I'm calling Finders Keepers for Reenie. > Backing away in fear, she looked around for the source of the > voice. Seeing none, she began to tremble. Joel: Uh-oh, she's gonna blow...! > The garden brought back memories of her parents, and she began to cry. > As she became more upset, the voice followed her around taunting her. Crow ("voice"): Ha ha! Widdle girl wants her mommy! > Finally, she screamed and a beam of light issued forth from her forehead. Tom: Brain purge! > Then the voice said, "Thank you, that was what we needed. Joel: We know the secret to the Caramilk bar. > We've got you now." > And then all hell broke loose. Crow: Okay, who dropped a scantily clad Tuxedo Mask into the midst of the Sailor Scouts? Tom: Look, there's Oscar... and there David Kintobor... and there's Marrissa.. and... > Tom: Oh, thank you! Joel: Let's move out, guys. Picking up Tom in his arms, Joel followed Crow out of the theatre. *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 2100 HOURS* "Owww!" Tom Servo cried out very audibly. "Hey, hold still and it won't hurt!", said Joel, "Besides, you're a robot; you can't feel pain." "How would *you* know that, Joel?" Tom retorted angrily. "I made you, Servo..." Joel replied, shaking his head slightly. "Oh, right." Tom bobbed up and down slightly, "Ow!" "Oh, for...!" Joel gritted his teeth, "Hold still, Servo!" he muttered under his breath. And then... "Damn! It ripped! Hey, Crow, pass me one of those garter belts..." "Oh, sure thing, Joel..." The golden Bot said as Cambot panned back, to clearly show that Joel and the Bots were... making dresses. Crow disappeared under the table briefly then swiftly up again, "Here y'go!" he said as he passed the requested object to Joel. As Joel took it, Tom happened to look over, "Hey!" he said, "That's blue! I wanted a green one!" "You just made me *rip* all the green ones, Servo." Joel responded. "Oh, come on, Servo!" Crow called out to his compatriot, "take it like a Bot!" "Hey, can I help it if unlike *you* I actually have some dress sense?" Tom asked, acting insulted "Yeah, right!" Crow chortled, "You've got the dress sense of a dead mule!" "Yeah, well," Tom rejoined, "*You've* got the dress sense of a suffocated alley cat!" "Well," Crow retorted, "*You've* got the dress sense of a moldy zucchini pie!" "Well," Tom called out, "*You've* got the dress sense of Dr. F. and Frank! Nearly!" "Why, you...!" Crow bristled. "Come on, guys..." Joel interrupted the growing argument, "Servo, go to the back room and see if you can find any more *green* garter belts. Crow, turn around..." "Joel," said Crow gravely, "I would like a strapless evening gown." "Crow, you *always* say that..." Tom retorted. "I just like them is all... Anyway, why are *you* still here?" "Oh, sorry. I..." Tom started. *beep beep beep* "Never mind," Joel interrupted, "the Evil Underpants are calling." *DEEP 13* The evil Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's lovable Frank stared at the *filth* they had chosen to experiment on angrily. "Hi sirs!" he said, "Sorry about the delay... We had to clean a few things up. So, how are your winnings treating you?" "Oh, fine," said Dr. F happily, while Frank seemed to wither a bit, "At least they *would* be, if *someone* hadn't decided that he needed a new car." Frank shrunk a bit more. "Or rather, *five* of them." Frank started to pale. "*And* if the same someone hadn't decided to lose twelve thousand dollars on Bingo... " Frank's knees started to shake. "*And* if he hadn't decided to give twenty thousand to a nonexistent charity... " Frank was now positively white. "*And* to buy a forged draft of the Declaration of Independence," Frank looked to be on the verge of crying. "*And* to subscribe to seventy three different magazines and newspapers..." "Hey, but I subscribed to Mad Science Monthly!" Frank piped up, "You've *always* wanted to get that..." "Frank," Dr. F. said with a kind smile, "In the real world, one right and, at last count, fifty six separate wrongs do *not* cancel each other out..." Frank sniffled slightly, "I'm sorry..." Dr. F. looked back up at Joel and the Bots, "...And now it look like we're in debt. I might even have to sell some of my old patents!" He looked down into a large cardboard box standing beside him, "the double butt graft, deep hurting, hobby hogs... so many memories. And look, there's today's! The... FINCH..." Dr. F. suddenly turned to look at Frank and grinned maliciously, "Hmm..." he shook his head and then turned back to Joel and the Bots, "anyway, we're very busy down here, so... uh, push the Button, Frank!" "Yessir, Dr. Forrester-sir!" *BZZZZZZT!* "Saaay, Frank... there's a card here for you!" "For me? Wow!" *fthfft* *whistle* "Gaaaaakk...." --- AND CUT IT THERE... --- From Nightbreak: We've got a couple more parts to go. And look out for what I think will be one of our best Host Segments next episode... From B: Yeah, and I'm writing it! ;) Anyway, two more parts to go (to date, at least), like the man said... Then I get started on Esper Chronicles. > Shards of a crystalline substance were falling all around. Looking up, > he saw his princes standing upon a column and turning to speak with > him. Her eyes widened