Author's Notes:
B: Well... number six. Just one more part and then I get to work solo again.
Joy of joys. :P Oh, and the first host segment is based on material written
by Tim McLees and Lynxara. What material? I'll give you three guesses and
the first two don't count. ;) Over to you, Nightbreak...
Nightbreak: My 13th MSTing, 1st collaboration and Blazej and I are still
at it. Even though this is part 2 of "I Will Remember You", it comes
complete with its own host segment and invention exchange. So I count
it as a full MSTing. Blazej is fun to work with, but boy is he deadpan. :)
B: Um, thanks. I think... Anyhoo, let's get ready to rumble...
==========================================================
The Critic's Oath: "Though the subject be divine and the outlook wide and
vasty, Put starch in your spine and say something nasty."
- Isaac Asimov
==========================================================
"Best Brains on Drugs", in conjunction with "Assorted Ramblings"
presents. . .
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE COMBINED" by Blazej Szpakowicz
&
Nightbreak
Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and those who distribute it.
Any other anime characters mentioned herein are the property of their own
creators and distributors.
Mystery Science Theatre is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people
who work with that show. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. We're
students. We. Have. No. Money. Deal with it.
( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. )
In the not too distant future,
Up in the S.o.L.,
Joel Robinson and his robot pals,
have been condemned to hell.
Their friendly local lunatic cranks,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank,
Have decided that they hate Joel's guts,
So they shot him into space
and tried to drive him nuts.
(Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!)
We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la la la)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control,
Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la)
Because he used those special parts,
to make his robot friends
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Cambot! (Roll 'em!)
Gypsy! (Oh, dear!)
Tom Servo! (I'm huge!)
Crooooooow! (Bite me!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts, (la la la)
Repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax,
For Mystery Science Theatre Combined!"
* SATELLITE OF LOVE, 2000 hours *
"Hey, what the heck is *that* supposed to be?! Get in there, ref! That
was a *clear* cheap shot!"
"Yeah, but it's fine when the guy *you're* betting on cheats, huh, Tom?"
Crow T. Robot asked sarcastically.
"Well, of course it is!" Tom Servo almost shouted.
"It is...?" Crow asked, confused, "I mean, I'm not surprised that you'd
think that but I'd never have guessed you'd actually admit it..."
"Hey, you said the exact same thing a few minutes ago when Universe was
winning!" Tom replied.
"Oh, bite me!" said Crow.
"Guys, come on! Be nice." Joel said, "It's just a show; you should
really just relax. Hey! What was that!"
"It was a two-count, Joel. Just a two count." Tom said soothingly.
"Yeah, but he used the ropes! That was so..." Joel blustered.
"I thought you didn't care." Crow muttered. "Anyway, what can *you* do
with RAM chips?"
"I'll think of something. Besides, we *both* bet on Leigh, remember?"
Crow blanched. It was incredibly hard, considering that he was a robot,
but he managed it. "Gaaak..." suddenly his eyes widened, "Hey, that's
illegal!"
"Oh, shaddup, Crow. You're about to lose and you *know* it!" Tom
cackled evilly. "Ha! The Universe Cosmos Blast! Here it comes, here it
comes! Money, money, money, money, money! Bwahahahaha!"
"Tom!" Joel cried angrily, "stop celebrating! Anyway, that's probably
copyrighted to Ted DiBiase..."
"Oh, bite me. This is... whoa! Here it comes!"
*KA-BLAM*!!!
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Crow and Joel called out with one voice.
"Stupid piece of *!^$#*@#*ing *!@^#(!...." Tom muttered. Then he
started as he noticed something, "Hey, look up in the top righthand
corner.... isn't that..."
"Huh?" Joel asked, "What are you? Hey... you're right! Doctor F. and
Frank! What are *they* doing the... Hold on... Flo-Bee!"
Joel and Crow spontaneously danced a little jig of joy. Tom, on the
other hand, stared at the TV blankly. "No," he said, "no, no... not
again..."
"Here we go," Crow called out, "One... two... three! YESSSS! I win
again! That was a quick one... I guess that makes you 0-for-3, huh Tom?"
"Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit..."
"Ahhhhh..." Joel sighed contendedly, "Let's see... next up... um...
Wolf vs. Pat Lee. Crow?"
"Oh... Pat in about thirty seconds. I mean, he *is* omnipotent."
"I think I'll agree with that." Joel nodded, "Tom?"
"Oh... Wolf."
"Okay," said Joel, "let's take a look. Um... Pat seems to be
talking..."
"What's he saying?" Tom asked.
"How should I know? There's no sound, remember?"
"Oh, right. But..." Suddenly, Tom started to shout, "Hey, wait a
minute! What do they *mean* Pat wins?"
"I'm not sure, but..." Joel shook his head, "Ow. Ow. Ow. OW! That's
*gotta* hurt. Anyway... Um, let's see... next is... Nav vs. Craig Vincent.
Tom?"
"Well, I think that..."
Suddenly, the TV's monitor began to crackle and fizz. "What the...?"
Joel asked nobody in particular. Shortly, the picture re-focused to show Dr.
Clayton Forrester, Ma.D., along with his bumbling but lovable assistant and
scapegoat, TV's Frank.
"Ahhh, Joelerinie-weinie! Bots-ee-poos" Dr. F. said, smiling
beatifically. "How nice of you to join us! I see you've been watching the
First Annual Author Avatar Arena (AAA) Net Championship
Tournament, Available Only at Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings. Enjoying yourselves, hmmm? Well, I certainly hope so, because, *whoo*
boy do I have a treat for you.... Bwahahahaha!"
"Uh.... That's nice, sir..." Joel said slowly, "Sooooo, what are you
doing over at the AAA?"
"Oh, just enjoying ourselves, Robinson, old boy! You know, making
obscene amounts of money betting on the outcome, laughing as the blood
splatters all around, killing the woman with big hair who sits down in front
of us... that sort of thing. Just because we're away from home doesn't mean
that you get to miss the invention exchange, though... We'd go first, as
usual, but we'll have to set up a bit... Saaaay, Frank, why don't you go and
get us some more popccorn... Anyway, you'll have to start us off so hop to
it, lemmings!"
Suddenly, a splatter of blood appeared on and around Dr. F. "Oh, Nav
just won his match, in case you're wondering. Anyway, hurry up with that
invention exchange."
"Hey, sure!" Joel said, grinning, "that's no problem..." Cambot zoomed
out slightly to show that Joel was wearing a red and green kilt with an
incongruously large... er... something in the... um... place.
Crow looked over at Joel and shook his head as though to clear it. "My
God!" he muttered, "that thing's huge! Dammit, Joel, you must be a regular
Casanova!"
"Yeah," agreed Tom, "you most really wow 'em with that *cannon*!"
"I mean," Crow said, "You could probably poke an *eye* out with that
thing!"
"GUYS!" Joel shouted, "QUIET! Besides, *that* bit's probably
copyrighted to Triple H. Um, as you can see, sirs, I'm wearing that classic
Scottish paragon of dress, the *kilt*! Now, I'm not personally Scottish,
admittedly, but all of the Scots whom I've met have said the same thing..."
"In the summer," said Crow, "these things get so *wet*!"
"Yes, that's right," said Tom, "and in the Winter, they get *cold*!"
"Now, however," said the Golden Bot, "these problems will now be *no
more*!"
"Because," said Joel, "this new kilt comes with a built in, custom
made, battery operated, state of the art..."
Together, the three cried out: "HAIRDRYER!"
Joel proceeded to turn a switch on his kilt. Immediately, a stream of
hot air came up from... erm... never mind. He stood there briefly, a
blissful look on his face. Then he switched it off and turned back to the
Hexfield Viewscreen.
"Ahhhh.... What do you think sirs?" Joel asked.
Dr. F. merely blinked. "A... *what*? That's so... so..." he paused and
shook his head, "Well, whatever... Anyway, *my* invention is a lot simpler
than that. It is this." He held up a seemingly normal seat cushion, "Now,
I'm certain that you think this is nothing even *remotely* evil. However,
this little beauty has been specially genetically engineered. Allow me
demonstrate..." Dr. F. dropped the cushion onto the seat beside him.
Shortly, Frank appeared. He waved cheerfully to Joel and the Bots and sat
down...
...Seconds later, he jumped up and screamed out in pain, causing a few
heads to look in his direction and shake sadly. The cushion was still
attached to his behind, and Joel and the BOts could see little fangs
digging
in deep.
"Yes, that's right, Joel, this particular cushion has *teeth*. Isn't
that very not-nice?" Dr. F. smiled happily. Within seconds, though, the
smile vanished as a large pile of buttered popcorn appeared on his head. In
it's wake, a thunderous, doom-n-gloom (TM) filled frown soon appeared.
"Frank..."
Suddenly, Dr. F. ducked his head down. The crew of the Satellite looked
around in confusion. "What the heck?" asked Joel, "Do you guys see anything?"
"Not really..." Tom answered.
"I know," Crow said, "they must have snuck in and just seen the usher!"
Dr. F.'s head bobbed up again; he looked around swiftly and then turned
back to face Joel and the Bots. "Very funny, Golden Boy. Anyway, your
experiment today is the continuation of the magnum opus of your favourite
red-hair-and-green-eyes Self Insertion queen. I Will Remember You, part two.
We've managed to set up a remote control device just for your enjoyment.
Send them the fic, Frank."
TV's Frank was, however was still hopping around in great pain. Dr. F.
shook his head, reached over and pushed a button on the side of Frank's chair.
Soon, confusion reigned aboard the S.o.L. as...
"OH NO, WE'VE GOT SELF-INSERTION SIGN!"
Door 6: *Luke, I am your father!*
Door 5: *Splat*
Door 4: *Zzzzzaxxxx*
Door 3: *Don't have a cow, man!*
Door 2: *Togggg!*
Door 1: *Play it again, Sam*
Carrying Tom in his arms, Joel entered the theatre. Crow followed,
taking the seat on the far right. Joel sat on his left and put Tom
down on the third seat from the right.
ROLL 'EM!
> *CHAPTER FOUR*
Tom: Audience still 0!
> THE 'BIG BANG' THEORY
Joel: ...states that the World was created when the comic book guy from
Simpsons ate one too many burritos.
> *****************************************************************
>
> ***
>Shaking her head, Ami slowly sat up.
Tom (Ami): Yaggedity, yaggedity, yaggedity.
>Her jaw would be a little sore for a few days, but
>otherwise she was fine. More importantly, she was needed.
Tom: Ami, Gotham city needs you!
Crow: ...for medical experiments...
>She quickly transformed and started running to the park.
Joel: Along the way, though, she had a minor run-in with a semi...
> ***
>Reenie was running.
Tom: She had to burn off some of that pink sugar.
Crow: Run, Reenie, run!
>She had been scared before, but the voice she had
>heard was so familiar, and yet had so much malevolence in it's threats.
Crow: Ahh, Revenge of the Babysitter.
Tom (evil voice): Now you'll *never* wet the bed again....
>A form dropped out of the tree in front of her.
Crow: And she was forced to fill it out in triplicate.
>The youma quickly
>manoeuvred itself around her so that she was backed up against the tree.
Crow: And then it forced itself on her.
Joel: Ugh! Crow!
Crow: Yecch! I grossed *myself* out with that image...
>It reached down and grabbed her around the throat growling "Stop screaming
>you pest! You'll alert the Sailor Louts!"
>"It's too late for that Negatrash!"
Joel: Oh, it's started.
Tom: What has?
Joel: The putdowns... The insults...
>The youma spun to face it's new opponents. "On behalf of the
>Moon Kingdom, we will punish you!
All: (sweatdrop)
Tom: Is it just me or did the youma just say. . .
Crow: Oh, I've waited for this day, when Serena gets punished in the name
of the moon.
Tom: Fanboy.
>Now let go of that child and try fighting someone your size, coward!"
Crow (youma): Bite me.
Joel: Hey, that speech is below regulation length! Add another twenty lines!
>Sailor Moon
>yelled. Meanwhile, Reenie was starting to gasp for air and was turning
>rather pale.
All: (eat popcorn contentedly)
>"Never! I only need the little Rabbit- stay out of this and you might
>live." the youma hissed through clenched teeth. Something felt wrong.
Crow: It felt a waft of... something coming from Reenie...
>Turning around too late, it could only gasp and let go as a searing,
>knife-like pain shot through it's arm.
Crow: Ah! A tetanus shot.
>"That'll teach you to mess with fire!" Sailor Mars yelled.
All: (groan)
Joel: Can someone please go shoot Sandra's gag writer?
>As Reenie scuttled quickly out of the way she saw Sailor Mercury come
>running up. Pulling out her mini-computer and activating her visor,
>Mercury started to analyse the youma.
Tom (Sailor Mercury): Oh my God! According to this it's... a palm tree!
Crow (Freud): Now, ven did you first feel zis hostile urge towards zuper-
deformed characterz?
>"Yeaaaaaaaah!"
All: Nooooooooo!
>the echidna-like monster launched a flurry of razor-sharp spines.
Tom: Followed by a viscious volley of floating ribs!
Joel: Oh, wonderful. A youma with no backbone of its own.
>The Scouts ducked every which way, but some spines still
>lodged themselves in Jupiter's and Serena's bodies.
All: (Still eating popcorn)
Crow: This is sorta fun, actually...
Joel: Action seqences guest-written by Nav.
>Collapsing to the
>ground, Sailor Moon gasped as a burning pain seared through her chest.
Crow (Serena): MOON. . . SPIRAL. . . HEART. . . ATTA... Gack. . .
>"That's it! You've gone too far!
Joel: Sandra's certainly got Serena's wonderfully original and captivating
speeches right.
>In the name of the moon.... aaaaaah!
Tom: Whoops. Sinkhole.
Crow: Now there's a speech that's certain to induce fear into the hearts of
her enemies.
>She yelled as more spines shot towards her. Just then, roses and a
>flash of light came flying through the air and shattered the spines.
>"Tuxedo Mask! You came to help us! But....
Crow (Sailor Moon): ...why are you throwing those at m...
>the light?" Serena stammered.
Tom (Serena): What light through yonder window breaks?
>Gathering her courage, she launched her attack: "Moon....Scepter....
>Elimination!"
>"Noooooooo!" the youma yelled. Then, it collapsed in a heap.
Joel: A compost heap?
>Before any of them had had a chance to react, they saw Selina jumping
>down from a tree and scooping up Reenie as she ran.
Tom (Selina): Uh, I'll have a scoop of chocolate, a scoop of vanilla, and a
scoop of Reenie.
>Unthinking
Crow: That is, in their natural state.
>everyone
>followed. Moments later, there was an explosion that rocked the ground.
>Distracted, the Scouts and Tuxedo Mask looked back to see a crater where
>the youma had been before. Looking for Reenie, they saw
Tom: ...a crater where she had been before.
Crow: And there was much rejoicing.
>her just as she vanished, held by Selina, through
Joel: ...a plot hole?
>a portal.
Joel: Close enough.
>"She got Reenie after all! I thought I could get here in time!" Tuxedo
>Mask berated himself.
Crow: Yeah, he already threw his roses. After that, he's pretty useless.
Joel: But he didn't make a speech. That could have made the difference.
>As Sailor Moon watched silently, the Scouts tried to
>reassure him that there was no way he could have done more.
>Serena stood thinking for a few minutes, considering her impressions
Tom: There was her Groucho Marx, her Richard Nixon, and her Bill
Clinton.
>of the events that had taken place. It took her a while, but she came to a
>conclusion - a few actually.
Crow (Serena): E= M... no, wait. E= MC... um, no. E=...
>Then she noticed the silence. "What? You
>guys never seen me think before?" she asked in a slightly peeved tone.
All (Others): Well... no.
>"No, that's not it." Ami hastened to reassure her.
Crow (Ami): We were just mentally undressing you... No, wait, that's not
what I meant to say...
>"It's just that you looked so serious."
>"Well, I don't have time for more chit-chat." Darien snapped. "I'm going
>to look for Reenie."
Joel (Darien): ...and treat her to a long, painful death.
>"Darien." he braced himself for an onslaught of tears and pleas.
Crow (Serena): I want you to know that I've decided to dump you for Raye.
She does things for me that you *never* could...
>Turning, he saw the other Scouts were doing the same.
All (singing): For every season, turn, turn, turn... There is a reason,
turn, turn, turn...
>Serena looked at him for a
>few seconds, and started to open her mouth to say something.
Crow (Serena): I'm having an affair, Darien!
Tom (Darien): Oh? With whom?
Crow (Serena): Anyone who wants to. Right now, it's... Mmmmph!
(Joel closes his beak.)
Joel: No details, please.
>Changing her mind, she held his gaze a few seconds more, and then
Joel: ...socked him in the jaw.
>turned and walked away, every inch a Princess of the Moon.
Tom: ...except for a small spot by her left shoulderblade.
>Darien stared. He couldn't help but feel a little hurt,
Joel (Darien) How dare she dump me? *I'm* supposed to dump *her*!
>but he was also
>surprised that she had found the backbone to do that without any prodding.
Tom: Why? There's tons of backbones lying around after that fight.
>The Scouts stared at him in bewilderment -
Crow: ...because he was wearing a frilly pink tutu.
>did he know why she had
>walked away? While he hated to admit it, he knew exactly why - he was
>being a jerk. But there was nothing else to do, in order to save the
>love of his life, he had to shatter her dreams and break her heart.
Joel: In other words, marry her?
>Seeing his stony-faced look, the Scouts backed away somewhat.
Tom: ...and fell right over the edge of a towering cliff. The end.
>"Let's go!" Raye said, "We have to find Reenie soon. Otherwise,
Joel (Raye): The brat will come back and haunt us for all eternity!
Crow (sings): The brat came back the very next daaaaay!
>who knows what may happen!"
Crow (Raye): Whatever it is, I want in on the action!
>At that, the Scouts and Tuxedo Mask separated and went looking.
Tom: For new partners.
Crow: Wait, Tuxedo Mask was married to all the Scouts? Certainly explains
a lot.
>Ami spoke up as they left the park "I think I may be able to figure out
>where they went. I was able to scan the portal, and I was capable of
>ascertaining that the portal does not, in actuality
Tom: I am finding myself cogitating that this excerpt is eminently
attenuated and monotonous and that it should be liquidated forthwith.
Crow: You can say that again.
Tom: Ummm... no thanks.
>traverse the
>chronometric barrier, but is instead confined within the boundaries of
>our own time.
Crow (Other scout): Oh, great! That means all we've got to do is search the
whole planet for her... Damn!
>So, given a few minutes, I should be able to determine
>the relative location of the exit of the portal."
Joel (Ami): Would someone please kill me before I become an android?
>"Go for it! The sooner we can locate Reenie, the sooner we can rescue
>her." Mina interjected.
Crow: Actually, I think Selina's going to be the one that needs rescuing
from Reenie.
>"But what about Serena?" Lita asked.
>"I have a feeling that we will find the two of them together.
Joel: Uh, then why don't you just follow Serena? She's still in sight.
>Why don't we run those calculations at the Temple? Then I can take a fire
>reading too." Raye replied.
Tom: Science and Mythology, working hand in hand!
>Reverting to their street clothes, the Scouts started running to the
>Cherry Hill Temple.
Crow (bystanders): Ay caramba! We've been streaked!
>***
>Trying to look casual, Serena walked into the shop.
Crow (Eddie Murphy): Hey, is this the illegal chop shop?
>She quickly spotted Selina, but couldn't find Reenie. "Alright," she
>said, looking very determined and even regal despite the bunnies on
>her shirt. "Where have you put her?"
Crow (Selina): In the taxidermy collection!
>"She is safe, for now. But unless you start trusting me, she's going to
>get hurt." Selina replied, looking tired.
Tom (Selina): I swear, putting up with interfering busybody superheroes is
so *draining*!
>"I don't take kindly to threats anymore." Serena warned, looking moments
>away from an explosion.
Crow: Shouldn't have eaten that chili then...
>"Now, what was the deal in the park?
Crow: One-eyed jacks and suicidal kings wild? What _were_ you thinking?
>First you unleash a youma, and then you help save me. Then the youma is
>booby-trapped, but
Joel (Serena): Couldn't you do better than putting a carrot in a noose?
>you take Reenie in such a way that you keep us from getting hurt.
>What's going on here?" she demanded to know.
Crow (Serena): You're the self-insertion character! You're supposed
to have all the answers!
>"Let me explain Princess." Selina said in a soothing voice.
Joel (Selina): You are sleepy... sleepy... your eyes are feeling *heavy*...
>Just then, images began to enter Serena's mind.
>***
>"The fire will show us where Serena is." Raye explained.
Tom (Raye): But only if we inject *this* into our veins first!
>"It will also show us any danger, and who this woman is."
Joel (Paid Program Show Host): Hey, who wants to see this baby
make lemonade _while_ it predicts the future?
Bots (Studio Audience): OOOO!
>Slowly, images began to form in the fire. The Scouts sat transfixed,
Crow: It's sucking their brains out. Just like TV.
>watching for a while before the images began to fade.
>"So what now?
Joel (Mina): Beats me. Anything else on the fire? Change the channel.
>Do we play along with this woman and see where it goes?"
>Lita suggested "Or do we call her bluff?"
Tom (Lita): I mean, we have a pair of twos! That's a good hand, isn't it?
>"Considering the fact that she could simply snatch Reenie any time, and
>then disappear into the future, I think
Joel (Ami): Why not just let her do it?
>we should endeavour to ascertain her true motives before attempting to
>form a theory. Namely, I think we should wait." Ami contributed.
Crow: Planet Raman to Sandra, quit the Data/Ami crossover.
Joel: Getting a little obscure there, Crow.
Crow: Can't help it. This fic calls for it.
>"Agreed." Mina added "But we should keep a close eye on her and Reenie
>from now on. We could do so especially at the gala.
Tom: Wow, convenient timing for that thar gala, huh?
>It would let us blend in, be inconspicuous and, would let us keep an eye
>on everyone." Pausing a moment, she added hesitantly
Joel (Mina): Then again, I could be wrong.
>"We might also want to keep an eye on Serena. She's been acting
>differently of late,
Tom: Yeah, no crying, no stuffing her face. . .
>and with the images Selina had in her mind, she might just try
>brainwashing her."
Crow: Hey! Don't brainwash Selina. Then she'll be like the rest of you!
All: Urgh.
>***
>Images were flooding Serena's mind.
Crow (Images): Scuse me, pardon me, coming through...
>Explosions, cities crumbling to dust,
>friends dying, and a long, long battle were in the forefront.
Tom: ...and a persistent image of burnt toast was in the background.
>#You see Princess, this is where I came from.
Joel: Chicago?
>This is the future as of right now.
Tom (Voice): And it's all your fault!
>I have come to ensure a continuance of my future. You and the Scouts are
>a danger to this at the moment,
Tom: Called it.
>and unless I can do something to correct that, my world will be destroyed.
>I needed to get to you somehow, so I used the Rabbit as bait,
Tom: What is this, Fishing for the Sailor Scouts?
>in effect, to get your attention.
Joel (Voice): ...but if you help me, you'll get what's left of her back!
>That, and she is essential to my plan.# Selina's voice echoed in her mind.
Crow: Insert blatantly obvious joke of your choice here...
>#There are certain things I have to do,
Crow (Voice): Like my laundry.
>but I may need help. It will not stop this
>world from developing the way it already has, nothing will change, except
Crow: The colour of the sky. But you'll hardly notice that.
Tom: Sandra certainly won't.
>the world in the future will return to what it was. I promise this to you
>- I am only returning the sequence of events to what it was originally.#
Crow (Voice): Except for the bits I don't like, that is.
>Serena thought to the woman in her mind, #But, how can we trust you? We
>don't know you.#
Tom (Voice): D'oh! Knew I forgot something...
>The voice replied, #True, but Reenie did, and she has only good memories
>of me.# she said while showing images of herself and Reenie.
Crow: Doing... (thinks for a second) No, wait... I *don't* need that
image... Doing the *laundry*, that's what I was gonna say.
Joel: Good Crow.
Tom (dreamily): Reenie on a stick, Reenie in a cooking pot, Reenie
wrapped in bacon. . .
>#Will you help me?#
>Serena considered, and found her resistance weakening rapidly.
Tom: How unusual.
>In almost
>a stupor, she could hear her voice as if it were someone else - which, she
>realized it almost was. She answered slowly, and hesitated before saying
>with her other voice, #My court and I will assist. What must we do?#
Tom: Find O.J. guilty as charged!
>Aloud Selina answered, "The key to all this is at the gala - you all must
>come. Without all of you, the plan will fail."
Joel: And we all know what that would mean...
Bots: Sequel?
Joel: Exactly.
>Turning away she added: "Thank you."
All (Apu): Come again!
>Again her other voice answered for her. "It is a pleasure to assist
>one so noble. Contact me if there is anything else to do."
Crow: Remember, you can reach me at 1-800-PLTHOLE.
Joel: Or email me at otakugoddess@selfinsertion.com
>In response, Selina smiled.
>
>*CHAPTER FIVE*
Tom: In a limited series of fifty million.
>PREPARATIONS
>*****************************************************************
Crow: Better make preparations for the snowblower.
>Running along the street, the Scouts
Joel: Discovered the city had removed all the manhole covers.
>looked for Serena and Reenie. They finally spotted her,
Crow: With their Bingo Markers of Death.
>with Reenie, not too far from her house. "Where have you _been_
>Serena?" Raye scolded.
>"She found Reenie!" Lita and Ami chorused.
All (singing/chanting): We speak. In synch. We talk. Together. They think.
We're weird. We all. Agree.
>Serena looked up vaguely. "Oh. You found us." she said in a monotone
>voice.
Tom (Serena, monotone): I guess I am it.
>"I found Reenie at the shop. And," she said somewhat more
>animatedly, "I think we should go to the gala after all. It will give us
>the perfect opportunity to keep an eye on everyone!"
Crow (Serena): Now, who brought that bag of eyes?
>"You know what?
Tom (Larry): Why, I oughta. . .
Crow (Moe): You oughta what?
Tom (Larry): I oughta be a little more careful.
>I think she may finally have come up with an idea on her
>own for once! It needs work, but it's not too bad." Raye said in mock
>surprise.
Joel (Serena): Raaaaayyyyye! You're MEEEAAAAAAANNNN!
>"I think you should concern yourself less with new ways of insulting
>people, and actually do something constructive for once, Raye." Serena
>replied in a haughty voice.
Crow: Hey, was that a crack at us?
Joel: Nope. But it sure sounded like my mother.
>"Now, If you will excuse us, I have things I need to do."
Crow: Like beating the author of "Sailor Moon: Fantasy" senseless.
>"Serena, do you think Reenie could come over to play at my house?" Mina
>asked. "I've been
Tom: Considering having Artemis fixed and hoping she could help.
Joel: ...
>hoping to have her over for a while, and if you're going to be busy...."
>she trailed off.
>Seeing Reenie's hopeful face, Serena acquiesced
Tom: I don't think Serena even knows the meaning of that word.
>"Very well, she may go with
>you. On the condition that she be returned in time for supper. I will be
>preparing her favourite dish and I do not wish it to be spoiled."
Joel: It's her favourite kind of china.
>Jaws hit the pavement
Joel: ...and splattered onto it messily.
Tom: Just when you thought it was safe to get in the water...
All: (hum Jaws theme.)
>as she bade them farewell and strode towards home.
>"Reenie, how long has she been acting like this?" Mina asked.
Tom (Reenie): Ever since she was replaced by a zombie from Alpha Centauri a
few hours ago; why?
>***
>Cooking was not exactly one of Serena's fortes.
Joel: Just like writing isn't Dr. Thinker's forte?
>However, she felt she had been able to make a passable chicken curry.
Crow: Your digestive system will let you know if it's passable or not.
>Thoughts of the time when
>Reenie's class was having a curry dinner prompted her to put the chicken in
>the warmer while she spent some time in her room.
Crow: Unfortunately, she used gasoline instead of water...
>Climbing the stairs, Serena
>heard her parents come in. "What smells so good?" her father wondered,
Joel (father): Mmmm! Sulphur...
Tom (father): Call 911. Someone in this house has made FOOD!
>"And who made it?" Serena smiled and continued her ascent.
Tom: Is she going to heaven?
Crow: Somehow, I doubt it... Maybe that should read "descent".
>***
>"So Reenie, what happened after Selina found you?" Mina asked over a game
>of chess.
Tom: As she levitated above the board.
>Reenie had been telling her what had happened at the park.
>"Well, she took me through the gate to her shop. I was kinda tired, so I
>curled up and went to sleep. Then that Serena came and woke me up.
Joel: "That" Serena? Please don't say there's more than one. . .
>That's all."
Joel (Reenie): Except for me and 'Lina plotting to destroy you all, anyway.
>Reenie finished her account.
Tom (Reenie): ...and in conclusion, the *real* culprits were Alvin and the
chipmunks!
>"I don't see why you were worried; I was with 'Lina after all."
Crow (Reenie): I was certainly safer than I'd be with *you*.
>"I know sweetie, it's just that we like to know where you are so we can
>help you if need be."
Tom (Mina): So hold on while I get a leash...
>"I don't need you guys, the Sailor Scouts look after me. What did you guys
>do?"
Crow (Reenie): I swear, you guys are *so* useless!
>Mina hid a smile; it was good that Reenie hadn't figured out who they
>really were. "Oh," she said out loud, "Not much. We did a little shopping,
>and then we were looking for you.
Tom (Mina): Oh, and then we saw Elvis, did I mention that?
>It's a good thing the Scouts know how to find you." she deadpanned.
>***
>Images flashed through Serena's mind.
Joel: She had been watching too much Sesame Street.
>Her, Reenie and Darien walking along together. Several scenes where she
>had hit Darien on the head.
Tom: And everyone knows that's the best possible way to start a succesful
relationship!
Crow: Darien with brain damage...
Tom: How could you tell?
>Discovering
>that Darien was Tuxedo Mask. Deciding to transform in front of him to save
>their lives.
Joel: ...passing out on the floor drunk after their first date...
>Going out for an ice-cream sandwich Dancing to the music of the
>Moon Kingdom at one of the famous galas there.
Tom: Those last two aren't related, are they?
>Blue eyes suddenly turning cold while he was brainwashed by Beryl.
>Healing him, only to have him taken away again.
Joel: For those of you who missed the entire North American run of Sailor
Moon...
>At this memory, two tears fell unnoticed onto a piece of
>parchment on her desk. Becoming the Moon Princess while huddling over his
>prone form. His rescuing her from the Doom Tree when he had lost his
>memories. The locket that played beautiful music for them.
Crow: (snicker)
>Eyes turning icy once more. One more, tears fell unnoticed, until she got
>up and flung herself
Tom: ...out a window.
>on her bed sobbing.
>Luna walked in just then.
Joel: Nice timing.
>Seeing Serena, she crept silently to the parchment and began reading.
Joel: "Dear Genma Saotome, I have decided to accept your request to become
your son's fiancee..."
Tom: "Dear David Kintobor, I write to thank you for the gift of the fox
costume. However, couldn't you have found something better than a set of
ears and a furry bikini?"
>Making a decision, she snatched it up and ran out of the house.
Tom (deadpan): Cat burglar.
Crow (Luna): I can leak this to the papers and make millions off it!
>***
>"So Mina, did you think Serena's eyes were a little odd when she came to
>the door?" Lita asked as they were walking home from having dropped Reenie
Joel: ...into a snake-filled pit.
Tom: Watch out for snakes!
>off at
>her house. "And if she made that chicken curry, I'm the Queen of England!
Crow: I take it Lita is _not_ amused.
>There's _no way_ that _Serena_ of all people could have spiced a chicken
>that well - and then not burned it!"
>"Yes, it did smell good.
Joel (Mina): I mean, sure, it was fluorescent green but...
Tom (Mina): ...and let's just ignore the taste...
>And it _did_ look like she'd been crying. I wonder what's up?" Mina
>answered. Then she added "You don't think that Selina could have....?"
Tom: Could have what? Danced the macarena at her?
Crow: Driven her nuts by reading the entire Oscar library to her?
Joel: Made her watch thirty straight hours of "the very worst of Hacksaw
Jim Duggan"?
>she let the ending hang.
Crow: The ending cruelly choked its life out at the end of a rope.
>"Brainwashed her? Maybe. More likely though, replaced her with someone;
>no-way she's on the level though." Lita responded thoughtfully.
Crow: That means she's on the level, right Joel?
Joel: Probably, yeah.
>Quietly, she
>said "I think we'd better call an emergency meeting - Darien included.
>Only, I don't think we should invite Serena."
Crow (Lita): Same game plan as before. Just _us_ and Darien. Nudge
nudge, wink wink?
Joel: Crow. . .
>"Agreed. I'll go to the Temple and tell Raye - you find Ami and Darien -
>and we'll meet at the cafe."
Crow: Which cafe? Uncle Porkchop's International Hogfat Roastery?
>Leaving with a troubled expression on her face, she
>turned and added, "We might be a little later, I'm going to try another
>reading."
Crow: Of "War and Peace"?
>"Alright, see you then. And, 'J'quond' will you?" Lita replied as she too
>left. The ancient saying from her planet would be roughly translated as
Joel: Pseudo-Klingonese gibberish.
>'watch your back', but it went even deeper than that.
Joel: Watch your intestines?
Crow: Watch your vertebrae?
Tom: Watch your sternum?
>For a planet that had
>produced some of the finest warriors to protect the Families, it knew very
>well the meaning of betrayal.
Crow: Ah, an allusion to a deep, dark secret from the Silver Millenium?
Tom: So, do you think it'll prove to be *important*?
All: Naaah!
>***
>Darien looked up from his repair work and sighed as he heard the doorbell
>chime.
Tom (Darien): I can't believe I dropped the Silver Crystal. Where's that
crazy glue?
>Putting down his tool belt, he rose and answered it. As he opened the
>door cautiously, his eyes landed on Luna almost immediately.
Crow: Score!
Joel: Oww! Wouldn't that hurt?
>"Come in, I suppose. What did you bring?
Tom (Darien): A dead mouse? How thoughtful, Luna.
>I hope it isn't a message from Serena." he said
>after he'd ushered her in.
>Luna dropped the parchment at his feet.
Crow: And kicked his eyes back over to him.
>"No, it isn't. At least, not directly; she never meant for you to see it.
Crow (Luna): You wouldn't *believe* how many pairs of dirty socks I had to
dig through to get to it!
>It was just a way of getting something off her chest.
Crow (Luna): Namely me! It's just a blank piece of paper that she tried to
fool me into giving to you! But I saw through *that* trick...
>But, I think you should read it anyway."
Joel (Luna): ...and then we can both laugh at Serena's insecurities.
Tom (Luna): Assuming you can read of course.
>The tone of her voice compelled him to pick it up.
Tom (Luna): You will pick up the parchment... You *will* pick up the
parchment...
>Even so, he paused before
>reading it. But if Luna thought it important enough to go behind Serena's
>back... he looked down and began to read.
Joel (Darien): "They're all gonna pay... They're all gonna pay... They're
all gonna..."
Tom (Darien): "Dear Tuxedo Chris, I would love to marry you. . ."
>***
>On his way to the new cafe, Darien ran into Lita and Ami.
Crow: *SCREEEEEECHHH!* *THUD!*
Tom: That'll teach them to jaywalk.
>He had been hoping to think over what he had read while eating a decent
>meal.
Joel: As opposed to eating at McDonald's.
>He sighed inwardly
>as they ran up to him. "Hey, Darien!" Lita called, "Wait for us, we've
>been looking for you!"
Joel (Lita): How d'you feel about the idea of two-timing Serena?
Crow: Joel, you're coming around...
Joel: (shrugs) If you can't beat 'em...
>Lowering her voice she added, "We're having an emergency
>meeting, and we think you should be there."
>"I'm on my way to the new cafe.
Tom: The Nightmare Cafe.
Crow: Which lasted all of six episodes before being cancelled.
>I don't think you guys need my help. After all, with five heads, you
>should be able to figure a lot of things out."
Tom (Darien): Even if they're not particularly useful ones, as heads go...
>Darien said as he started to brush past them. "Your idea to try to patch
>things up won't work."
>"That's not it! We're having a meeting _without_ Serena and that's why we
>need your help."
Joel (Ami): With her out of the picture, we need someone to think for us!
Tom (Ami): ...and Forrest Gump was unavailable!
>Ami cut in as she seized his arm to prevent his departure.
Crow (Ami): Hey... I didn't know this thing was detachable!
>"We're meeting at the cafe anyway, so why don't you at least listen?"
Tom (Darien): What, you expect me to *think* while *eating*?
>"Alright, I'll listen."
Crow (Darien): When I'm not molesting the waitress at least.
>***
>"So you see why we need you Darien?" Raye finished.
Crow (Raye): Since you're the only fertile guy we know...
Joel: Crow!
>"Something's wrong with her, and we need to find out what. So if you know
>anything that could help us..."
Tom (Raye): Sayyyyyyy, a boot to the head?
>"There is one thing, Luna brought it to me just before I came here.
Tom (Raye): The bloody remains of Serena's head?
>I don't
>know if it will help, but here it is." With that, he took out the
>parchment.
Joel: Parchment? Doesn't Sandra mean "paper"? Who uses parchment
any more?
>Averting his eyes, he handed it silently over to Raye.
Tom (Darien): Here. _You_ hold it.
Joel (Raye): "I Serena Tsukino do hereby proclaim that..." Hey, wait, this
is her last will and testament! And look, she's left everything to Luna...
>She read it silently, then when finished, commented: "I don't think Serena
>could have written it herself.
Crow (Raye): There're only three typos and only one major grammatical error.
>There must be some kind of influence; the fire
>said as much. Maybe I should read it to all of you." Taking a deep breath,
>she began to read.
>"Forgiveness
>I would forgive you, if I could.
Crow: Sam I am, Green Eggs and Ham.
>Every night I wish
>That I had the power
Tom: ...of Grayskull...!
>to mend
>This heart broke in two.
>To undo the betrayal
>That I feel so deeply.
Joel: ...and truly and madly...
>I want so dearly to know,
>How I can possibly forgive
>When the pain is still here?
Crow: Aspirin tends to help.
>We were soul-mates.
>Linked by friendship,
>Trust,
>Love.
Tom: Boredom.
Crow: Nauseau.
Joel: Disgust.
Tom : And the occasional flying shoe.
>And then, you tore us apart,
>By actions
Joel: They were broken up by a crappy game of charades?
>That I don't even know about.
>That I don't understand.
Crow (Serena): But then again there are so few things that I *do*
understand!
>To forgive, one must let go.
>But for me to let go,
>Would mean letting go of
>My memories,
>My love,
Joel: My breakfast...
Tom: Just not here, please.
>My missing half.
Crow: Your better... no, worse... well, equally irritating half?
>If I only knew why,
>Then I might know how
>To cleanse my soul of this pain.
Tom: Have you tried Windex?
>And then,
>To forgive."
>Unseeing, Darien stared out the window.
Joel: And so missed the meaning of life.
>Who knew Serena well enough to write
>this? Who knew the reason they were apart? And why was everyone so
quiet?
Tom: And what was that red stuff slowly pooling on the table?
Joel: Tom, that was dark.
Tom: Why, thank you!
>Risking a look, he saw the girls all had tears in their eyes;
Crow: That's what they get for eating raw onions.
Tom: AHHH! Their eyes are all torn! The Senshi are blind! AHHH! Oh, the
horror, the horror!
>all of a sudden,
>he had to fight an urge to tell them all about it. Instead, he stood up,
>thew some money down for his food and strode out of the restaurant.
>Sitting on his bike he thought:
Crow (Darien): Mmmm... Beer tastes *good*...
>'Even if you could forgive me Serena, I don't
>think I could.'. A few drops of water landed on his helmet before he put it
>on - but it wasn't raining.
Crow: Darn cheap eavestroughing.
Author sticks head into theatre.)
Sandra: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SAD AND ROMANTIC TEARS, YOU IDIOTS! OH,
*MEN*!!
Author vanishes once again.)
All (sitting very still): Ohhhhhhhh boy...
>***
>Once the storm of tears had abated, Serena sat and thought.
Crow: I won't bother. It's just too easy.
>The name 'Jinal' meant something to her- but what?
Crow: Maybe he looked like Lita's old boyfriend?
>A story she had been told once came to mind.
Tom: About a golden-haired girl and three bowls of porridge.
>It was about the sewing together the past, present and future to
>preserve them all from disaster.
Joel: Oh, please feel free to not fill *us* in on this story, Sandra.
>Was that the key? She'd learn soon enough; and when she did, she would
>learn who the voice that had taken over was.
Joel: Magic Voice, did you have something to do with that?
Magic Voice: What? Lil' ol me?
Crow: She did, didn't she?
>And she'd hopefully learn what this was all about.
Crow: ...and she'd learn all about the birds and the bees!
>But one thing she knew: before
>this was over, her life would be forfeit because of Selina.
Tom: Foreshadowing, your guide to quality literature.
Joel: Wait... her life would be *forfeit*...?
All: Whoohoo! Go Selina! Whoohoo!
>
Tom: And we're still alive!
Joel: Let's move out, guys.
>Author's Notes and Thanks:
Joel: Then again. . .
> I figure I had better get this in before the story, and before I have
> angry mobs hunting me down.
Crow: Does that mean Sandra _knows_ her work is . . . .
Joel: Crow, be nice.
> I have spent a few long hours over this chapter with my cookies and milk,
> agonizing over whether I should do this or not.
Tom: Well, since you haven't figured it out, we'll catch up with you in
part 3.
Joel: Good call. Let's scram.
Picking up Tom in his arms, Joel took him out of the theatre. Crow
followed them out.
*SATELLITE OF LOVE, 2030 HOURS*
Joel stood in front of Door # 6 and cleared his throat. "And now, the
crew of the Satellite of Love proudly presents, a poetry reading by Tom
Servo."
He stepped aside to make room for the bot.
"Thank you, Joel. . A poem. . ."
"How I wish to run free,
to see the green grass,
the flowers,
the blue skies,
and smell the fresh air of Earth.
Alas, I cannot.
Damn the evil scientist.
Damn the evil scientist."
Tom angled his head in response to the applause from Crow and Joel.
"Thank you. Thank you. Now, I would like to present my compatriot, Crow
T. Robot."
Moving off the main console, Tom went to stand beside Joel as Crow
took his place.
"Uh, a poem. . ."
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When we get down from here,
Dr. Forrester, you're through!"
"Well guys? What did you think?"
Tom and Joel looked at each other. "Ehhhh...."
Oh, come on! I put my heart and soul into that poem!"
"Yeah, for all of thirty seconds." scoffed Tom.
"As if yours was any better, Bubblebrain."
"Why you...."
Before the two bots could start a full argument, Joel got in between
them. "Cool it, fellas. We still have my poem to read. Do you want to
hear it or not?"
Silence. Then two subdued "Okay"s.
Unrolling a piece of paper, Joel struck a pose.
"Every night,
I sit and stare out.
I see the stars,
I see the planets,
and I see my former home
Turning slowly beneath me.
I remember a life
that I once had.
And know that it is no more,
For this vacuum is now my home,
and my creations are my family.
And as I think of all these things,
I wonder "how much longer?"
Will I win or will I lose?
All I know is that I must
struggle onwards,
facing the challenges.
And annoying the mad scientist
until one of us can fight no more."
Tom gave a low whistle. "Saaaay, that's pretty deep, Joel. I liked
it. Let's frame it and hang it on the wall for encouragement."
Just then, the bridge lights filtered and cast a red glare over
everyone.
"Wonderful. The Michelin Men are calling."
*AUTHOR AVATAR ARENA*
"Ah, hello once again, Leonard Cohen and Company," sneered Dr.
Clayton Forrester, "I must say, Frank and I have been enjoying ourselves
here today. And it's just the first round!" He moved back to show the
brick walls of a long tunnel. "We're here backstage to see about getting
some autographs from these boys, none of whom would have made to this
tournament if it wasn't for _my_ evil genius. Oh, look! There's Tuxedo
Chris now! Oh, Chris. . . ?"
As Dr. Forrester moved forward, a security guard stepped out and
grabbed his arm. "Sorry, sir. But no one's allowed back here."
"Do you know who I am?" Dr. F. snarled, "I am the one who made
these over-egoed funny-book rejects! I brought their worthless trash to the
attention of the world! Without me, they wouldn't be where they are. Now
let me pass!"
In the corridor, most of the participants in the tournament paused to
see the man in the green lab coat and glasses spout off.
David "Foxfire" Kintobor nudged Nav. "Hey, is that...?"
"Yeah. That's him. Dr. Clayton Forrester."
Myles Buchanan adjusted his glasses. "He's the one, is he? Guys,
we may not agree on much, but I think we just found something."
"Yep," grinned Sailor Soulstone, "Let's kick his happy ass out of
here for humiliating us like this."
*Cha-chick!* Craig Vincent checked his ammunition. "I'm with
ya, Soul. Let's get im!"
Dr. Forrester glanced up from his argument with the security guard.
"Oh, poopie. Frank?"
"Yessir?"
"Would you mind continuing this discussion for me? I've got to go
and, uh, feed the parking meter."
"Oh, sure thing, Your Nastiness."
"Thank you. See you next round, Joel!" With that, the evil scientist
produced his remote button.
*BZZZZZZT!*
"Oh, hello guys. If you're looking for Dr. F., he just stepped out."
"Well, I guess we'll just have to settle for you, Mr. Frank. . ."
"Uh-oh..."
--- AND CUT IT THERE... ---
>in order to save the love of his life, he had to shatter her dreams
>and break her heart.