B: Bwahahahaha! It's done! It's done! Until Sandra gives NB the next part, leastways... This is MSTing number... oh, screw it. I think I'll pull a Jamie and start counting my own MSTings and my collaborations separately. Collaboration number three, therefore. And the last for a while, if I have anything to say about it... Now I'm off to revise MSTings number one and two and write number three... Over to you, Nightbreak. Nightbreak: Ah, thank you, B. For me, MSTing number 14. After this, it's a little trip through painfic hell, followed by an all-out assault on the SVAM Review Council! BWAAAHAHAHAH! FRANK!! KILL!!! B: All out assault? Well, on a third of it maybe... Okay, okay! I'll go away now... ========================================================== The Critic's Oath: "Though the subject be divine and the outlook wide and vasty, Put starch in your spine and say something nasty." - Isaac Asimov ========================================================== "Best Brains on Drugs", in conjunction with "Assorted Ramblings" presents. . . "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE COMBINED" by Blazej Szpakowicz & Nightbreak Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and those who distribute it. Any other anime characters mentioned herein are the property of their own creators and distributors. Mystery Science Theatre is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people who work with that show. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. We're students. We. Have. No. Money. Deal with it. ( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. ) In the not too distant future, Up in the S.o.L., Joel Robinson and his robot pals, have been condemned to hell. Their friendly local lunatic cranks, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, Have decided that they hate Joel's guts, So they shot him into space and tried to drive him nuts. (Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) We'll send him cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la la la) He'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) Now keep in mind Joel can't control, Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) Because he used those special parts, to make his robot friends ROBOT ROLL CALL! Cambot! (Roll 'em!) Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) Crooooooow! (Bite me!) If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, And other science facts, (la la la) Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax, For Mystery Science Theatre Combined!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 1500 HOURS* "Look out!" A creaking sound echoed, then a loud crash came from just off the bridge, spewing a cloud of dust over Cambot's lens. A metallic sneeze sounded, shaking the screen, then another. Tom Servo, a hard hat over his bubble dome, popped up from behind the main console. "Oh, good one, Crow! What'd you drop this time?" "Uh, nothing?" "Riiiiight." Crow T. Robot, his headnet reversed so that his own yellow hard hat would fit, leaned in from the corridor. "Well, I'm sorry, but if we had an extra set of hands over here instead of someone whose arms are just so completely useless, the repairs would be done a lot sooner!" Just then, their creator pushed past and onto the bridge. "Guys, quit it! Tom, I've got a job for you." "Really, Joel? You mean, I can actually do something to help renovate the ol' Satellite of Love? What? What?" Joel Robinson grinned as he picked the red bot up. "Well, behind all the walls in the Satellite are support beams. And not all of them are listed on the blueprints. So, I'm going to need your help in finding them." "Cool. How do we do that?" "Well, Tom, it's very simple." Joel tilted him forward until the flat top of his bubble dome was flush against the wall. "Using the sound of vibrations, we'll be able to tell where the support beams are located." "Oh, I get it. Hey, what's with the paper?" "This? It's just something for you to read while you work. It's a list of all the plot holes in all of Stephen Ratliff's stories." "AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!" Tom began to vibrate rapidly. "That's it, Servo! Keep it going! Gypsy, I found one beam. Mark it, will you?" "Roger!" "Kid's Crew... Princess of Essex... Bluffing Q... Naklab politics... ARRRRRRRRGH!" "You're doing great, Tom!" Crow looked over. "Hey, Joel? What happens if you run out of Ratliff?" "No problem, Crow. There's always Oscar and other self-insertion fics." "AAAARRRGGHHH!!!" "Hang in there, little buddy." *Flash* *Flash* *Flash* "Oh, looks like we'll have to finish the rest of the Satellite later, guys. Pica and Googleplex are calling. . ." *DEEP 13* "Ah greetings, Bob Vila and Company," sneered Dr. Clayton Forrester, "I have some wonderful news for one of you down here. But, I'll tell you after the invention exchange. We'll go first. Frank?" The ever-lovable TV's Frank appeared, dressed in a large sack of feathers with a head and beak on top. "As you know, professional sports relies heavily on mascots to keep the crowd in the game," Dr. F. explained, "Consequently, they hire people to dress up in wild and crazy costumes to entertain the fans. Some of the outfits can be pretty outlandish, too. Now, in basketball, many of the mascots also do shows where they slam-dunk a ball using a trampoline or something. "Well, Steve and I have come up with our own *generic* mascot-for-hire, the Slam-Dunking Seagull. All set, sir?" "Ready, Frank!" "Okay." Frank picked up a basketball, stuffed it in his beak, and gestured to a basketball net hung over the doors of Deep 13. "And... up, up, and away!" A set of wires lifted Frank off the floor and he proceeded to "fly" over to the net, squawking and flapping his wings. As he circled over the backboard, his beak opened and the ball shot straight through the hoop. Up on the Satellite, Joel and his bots looked at each other. "Uh, sir, that's not _really_ evil." Dr. Forrester came into view, hauling on the cables that kept Frank aloft as his assistant flew off-screen. "Ah, but you haven't seen the rest of it, Joel. Now, let's assume that the referee makes an asinine call during the game, or one of the players is behaving rather badly. Well, then you'll see what our little Slam-Dunking Seagull has to drop, right Frank?" From above, a splash of white appeared on the shoulder of Dr. F's green lab coat. Barely managing to control the rage in his features, Dr. F. glanced upwards, then let go of the cables. "AAAHHHHHH!" *THUD* Smiling, Dr. Forrester dusted off his hands. "Over to you, Joelsie." *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Joel was standing in front of a wooden box with six holes cut into it. "Well, sirs, we've taken our idea from the "Gopher-bashing" game you've seen at fairs and midways. However, we've substituted some of our own little prairie pals." Joel picked up a rubber mallet. "Heeeeeerrrreee, doggie, doggie!" The first head popped up. "We've got the Tuxedo Chris. . ." *SLAM!* Crow winced. "Ooh, just missed." "The Foxfire. . ." *BANG!* "The Oscar. . . " *BASH!* "The General Patterson. . ." *CRASH!* "And a whole bunch of others. They're interchangeable and even come with blank heads so you can add new characters as they annoy you. What do you think, sirs?" *DEEP 13* Dr. Forrester absently rubbed his shoulder with his sleeve. "Not bad, Joel. Now for the news I promised you. I just received word that Jamie Jeans has finished his thirtieth MSTing down here. And he managed to land it on a date that one of us picked. Our lucky winner is... May 3rd." *SATELLITE OF LOVE* "May 3rd... May 3rd. That's Servo! Tom, you won the pool! 45 RAMchips!" All the lights began blinking and streamers flew. Joel leaned past the deleriously weeping bot. "So, Dr. F., when do we get that "Good" self-insertion you promised us?" *DEEP 13* "Why, right now, Joel. Now, unfortunately, I didn't feel like finding a "good" self insertion for you. After all, I *am* evil... Instead, a special treat... Old Green Eyes is back! Part 3 of "I Will Remember You", with a self-insertion character that no one really knows whose side she's on! Frank! Let's varnish their floors for them!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* As Joel and the bots play with the "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank" gophers, the sounds of hammering and sawing fill the bridge. Chaos (TM) ensues. All: OHHHHH, WE'VE GOT SELF-INSERTION SIGN!! Tom: To the victor go the spoils! Door 6: *Squeeze!* Door 5: *Sputter. . .WHEEZE!* Door 4: *Bang!* Door 3: *Willlllmaaaa!* Door 2: *Space, the Final Frontier. . .* Door 1: *Thhhhhhzzzz!* Crow enters the theatre first, taking the first seat on the right. Joel carries Tom in and sets him down on the third seat from the right as he takes the second for himself. ROLL EM!!! >Author's Notes and Thanks: > > I figure I had better get this in before the story, and before I have > angry mobs hunting me down. Crow: Does that mean Sandra _knows_ her work. . . . Joel: Crow, be nice. Tom: Hey, didn't we use that joke last time? Crow: Yeah, but it was good enough to re-use. > I have spent a few long hours over this chapter with my cookies and > milk, agonizing over whether I should do this or not. Tom: Nah. Keep writing. It keeps worse writers like Dr. Thinker and Chris Cadwell at bay. > And then once I did decide I would, how I should write it so that it > would have the greatest impact without killing people. Joel: Unless they have a sudden coronary while reading any of this. > It's a good thing my mom buys lots of Kleenex, because I went through > a fair bit writing and editing this. Tom: Hey, look! Editing! All (in awe): OOOHH! Crow: We've never seen editing before. > I even took out some of the worst parts, because it will be bad enough > in a few chapters. Crow: Sidestepping an Oscarish or American Kitsune moment or two. > In a way, I am enjoying writing this FanFic, Joel: Just as, in a way, we haven't minded reading this. Tom: Yeah, things could be worse. > but I also have become very attached to various characters. So while > this was very hard, it will be both fulfilling and horrifying to write the > next few chapters. I do hope people can forgive me for the next few > chapters I am about to write. All: Don't worry, we won't! > I owe a great deal of thanks to many different people. Some have > contributed a little more, and some a little less. But all of the ones I > mention have been instrumental in this narrative. Tom: Some played the violin, some played the cello. . . > While I do try to mention everyone, I have a lousy memory, so please > do not be offended if you have helped me and I do not mention you. Crow: Well, you could always mention us next time. >MUSH TIME!!!!!!!!!! All (Jim Carey): YUMMY! > First and foremost, Dan, my brother who introduced me to Sailor Moon, Tom: Fanboy. > the SIG, PMS, Crow: Dead man. > and even FanFic writing. All: _Really_ dead man. > He has been kind enough to let me use his computer for hours on end at > times, and he has even looked after Jesse every now and then so I could > work. Joel: Jesse? > Secondly: Katherine, thanks for letting me look after Michiru while you > were gone. Tom: And Haruka, for not killing me in a jealous rage. > The trust you put in me sorta gave me an idea Joel (Sandra): That I could be a fanfic writer. > the responsibilities some of the characters might have. You put up with > any screw-ups I may have made, and shared with me the life of someone you > care for. > > Angie: The second OSMC member I met, Tom: Oh, I know that one! Ottawa Sailor Moon Club! > the first CURE Crow: Chibi Usa is Really Evil. > and PMS member. Joel: Know _that_ one. Psychotic Mamoru Supporters. Bots (stunned): _Flee_ in terror! :> You are invaluable as the PPA, Crow: Plastic, Pliable Ami? Joel: Crow! > and as such, have given me a few ideas. Again, you trusted me with your > charges while you were away. Joel: All 120 volts of them. > It was interesting to have so many characters here at once. (To say the > least.) Again, you put up with any mistakes I made, even after seeing Tom: What my twisted mind can come up with. > any I may have made with Michiru. (Did I make any Katherine?) You > also showed me that STTNG and SM are not mutually exclusive. All (quietly) Oh _GOD_! Crow (whimpering): No more Ratliff! > Mark: Thanks for setting up the SIG, Crow: Silly Intergalactic Game, which is sort of like Calvinball. > without which, my life would be a whole lot more boring. Saner perhaps, > but definitely more boring! :) Tom: Instead, we get both the boredom _and_ the insanity > Scott: You were the first OSMC member I met. And, you gave me a > copy of the soundtrack!!! From which I have received many hours of > listening pleasure. (THANK YOU, THANK YOU!) Tom: Note to Sandra: Cut back on the Chocolate Thunder. > I'm going to have to arrange to get a blank tape to you somehow in > return for the one you gave me. Joel: She got a tape of Serena's brainwaves? > I've also had fun trading insults with you - keeps me sharp for school. > ;) Crow: Uh, *no*. I *don't* want to know. > You also proved to me that you can be old or young and still enjoy SM. Crow: THAT, on the other hand, was just too easy. Joel: Good Crow. > Andrea: You made me a member of PMS without even meeting me, > which shows a lot of faith. Joel: Well, PMS is kind of universal for women. > I hope you manage to keep it through the years. And of course, using > the MTMD, Tom: Mega Tuxedo Mask Dice? > you made me not only HSAR, but also PYCK-SWO. Thanks! Joel: To get your Sandra Hobbs secret decoder ring, please contact the Satellite of Love at > HAH! Thought I'd forget you Greg? Think again! Crow (Greg): Darn! > You're the one who's been commenting on this story from the very > beginning. Crow: Yeah. I know Greg. He's the ultimate Sailor Mercury fanboy. He carries a Mercury doll in his shirt pocket. > You've been very forgiving for the things that have happened to Ami. > (Although I may be pushing it this time.) Tom: What happened so far? So she got hit once. It's her fault for tangling with a self-insertion character. > Even though I know other people read FanFics, it's nice to get feedback > from at least one person. (Besides, you help keep my posting up. ;D) > > All the members of PMS: Thanks for letting me join gals (and guys) Joel: Male PMS! It _can_ happen to you! > even though you never really knew me. Somehow, somewhere (dramatic chord) All (singing): Condorman!! > we _will_ get together so I can meet all of you. Tom: I'll start putting out traps. Joel: What do you use for bait? Tom: Tuxedo Kamen theme tracks. > Raye Hino: You've shared a room with me for a couple of months now, > and I have to say it's been quite the experience. You taught me a few > things about flame throwing, I have to admit. :) Crow: Okay, now you're taking this Sailor Moon obsession a bit far. > So, I hope you have fun while you're with Angelina. (Behave!) Tom (imitates whip cracking) Crow: I didn't know Raye went in for that kind of thing. > And in the meantime, I'll try to clean up my room. Joel (Sandra): I haven't seen the carpet since Elvis died. Bots: Elvis is dead? > I think that's (mostly) everyone. If I missed you this round, I'll get > you the next one hopefully. Crow (Sandra): I'll reload and take better aim. > I'd better go get my flack jacket and find a good place to hide for after > posting this. (The story, not the notes and thanks.) Tom: Hey, there's room up here to hide. Joel: Tom, no. > Thanks all and take care. > TTFN & TTYL Crow: Uh, Tulip Trees Flying North? Joel: No, it's Tank Tops Yelling Loudly. PYCK-SWO and HSAR of PMS Sandra E. Hobbs Tom: Admiral of Starfleet, Commander of the Kids' Crew, Princess of Essex, Heir to the known Universe. > CHAPTER SIX Tom: Jesus, how many chapters does this damn thing *have*? >*ALL THE KING'S MEN* >***************************************************************** Joel: Were snowed into their barracks. > Serena was tossing and turning. Crow: Oh, Luna... tee-hee! Joel: Crow! (smash!) Crow: Thanks. I dunno what came over me... > Luna looked on with concern "She hasn't had a night like this since Darien > was brainwashed by the Negaverse. Crow: Oh, _really_? > I wonder what's wrong?" she said softly to Artemis. Tom (Artemis): Oh, it's just that time of month. > "I don't know, but I think it's an invitation to disaster." he quietly replied. Crow: Dear disaster: Please be kind enough to attend this party in your honour on the Twenty-eighth of January, 1999. Joel (Artemis): There'll be music and dancing there. Should we accept the invitation? >*** > Darien walked into his apartment. Sighing, he bent to pick up his mail. Tom (Darien): Oh, my aching back! > Moving over towards the wastepaper basket, he began to sort: "Junk, junk, Joel: A personal letter from the president of the U.S... > junk, bill, 'Occupant', cable subscription offer: No, I don't want to join > your neighbourhood Mr. Rogers, Tom: Wait a minute. I know that line. Joel: Oh? Tom: It's from one of Nightbreak's fanfics that he wrote for Sandra. Crow: Cool. I guess that means he can sue her cute little. . . Joel: Crow! > junk, bill, bill, flyer, invitation, junk....." he paused. Joel (Darien): "You May Have Already Won. . ." Hmmmmm. Tom: Please note, no fanmail. > Scooping up the envelope he had discarded, he opened it and began to > read: Dear Sir: You are cordially invited to our 'Moonlight Gala' on the > night of...... Joel: Beltane. > Escorts will be assigned.... Please support our > charity..... Black tie.... (at that, Darien grinned; didn't he have > enough black ties?) Tom: Enough to hang himself with. Crow: Don't we wish. > ... Costumes can be found at..... Joel: Your local theater. > RSVP at..... Many Thanks...... Look forward to seeing you. > > Examining the envelope, Darien's eye was drawn Tom: _Really_ badly. > to the wax seal they had used on the envelope. For some reason, it > seemed familiar. Scrollwork, a flower, a crescent moon, a crystal.... All: BEEP BEEP BEEP! Joel: Warning! Incoming Plot Device! Take Cover! > "Oh well," he said to himself "I'll remember sometime." Tom: Then came that sudden, tragic accident with the Weed Whacker. . . Crow (Darien): Who cares if it's an important plot point that I should try to remember *now*! > Taking the last piece of mail, Darien was puzzled. Crow (Darien): Hey, this seems to be brown *paper*! > An envelope with no return address, a flourishing scrip that he had > never seen before, and a scent of perfume? Joel (Darien): Hmm... Eau de Sewer... > Intrigued, Darien slit the envelope open. Inside was a lovely piece > of stationary with only three words on it: Tom (Darien): "Duck and cover"? Crow (Darien): "Go hang yourself"? Joel (Darien): "Rest in pieces"? > 'Goodbye is forever.' >*** > Sweeping the temple steps, Raye pondered the problems facing > the Scouts. Tom (Raye): Okay... one plus two... carry the one... dammit, this is tough... > They had to protect Reenie, find out just who Selina really was, try to > protect Serena, figure out a way of helping both Serena and Darien, and > learn just what was making Serena act so strangely. Crow: On top of that, none of them could win the new "Sailor V" game and they were all getting really P.O.'d! Joel: All in one twenty-two minute episode! > She closed her eyes and thought back to the images the fire had shown them. > >*** > Ami was in computer class, working on a new program. Tom (Ami): Now I can crash every computer on the planet from the comfort of my own home! > It would track tachyon emissions and alert the Scouts whenever one > occurred. Joel: And cook an egg in under a minute! > Her teacher looked over her shoulder and commented: Tom (Teacher): Hey! Will you get back on those adult websites where you're supposed to be! > "That's an unusual sort of program you're writing Ami. Are you sure > it's not beyond your understanding?" Crow (Ami): Nope. I watch "Star Trek"! Joel (Ami): Hey, nothing's beyond my understanding! I'm me! >"Oh, I'm fine Miss. My mother has given me a good grounding Tom: For trying to date Darien on a school night. Crow: Joel, your mother taught you how to track tachyon emmisions, right? Joel: No, I'm afraid my education in that area was sorely lacking... > in the sciences. Besides, who knows when a program like this might > come in handy; we might be using this in ten years to direct time > traffic!" Her teacher smiled, patted her on the shoulder and Tom: Went to call the loony bin. > hoped that dreams wouldn't come crashing down too quickly for her > favourite student. Joel (Teacher): Darn kid knows more than I do! Time to retire... Crow: The teacher wanted her to suffer the bitter pain of disillusionment after years of heartfelt belief! >*** > "Bye Mom! See you tonight - I'll be late home today." Serena called > on her way out. Joel (Serena): ...or not at all! Probably not at all. > "Serena?!? Why're you up so early? Are you sick?" Tom: I think we'll be sick before she is. > Serena's mother stopped her. Putting her hand to Serena's forehead, she > said "No, you don't have a temperature." Crow (mom): But what are these strange lumps? > Pulling away from her mother, Serena sighed "No, I'm fine. I just > woke up on time today - Gotta book it!" All: Book it? Crow: Sergeants, book her and take her away! Tom: Sergeant Booker, Sergeant Takera Way, nice to see you. Joel: The Bad Joke sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > As Serena ran out the door, her mother waved absentmindedly > thinking: "She got up on time, she had breakfast, she took her lunch, > she told me she'd be late, she _cooked_ - Crow: No one died. > what's the world coming to?" All: The end? Tom: You know, I hear the ambient temperature in Hell is 12 Kelvin right now... Joel: Was that P-Chan flying by the window just there? >*** > "Serena?!?" The class chorused as she handed in her report. Joel (Serena): My report on this fanfic: PUT ME BACK IN CHARACTER! WAHHHHHH!! > Not only had she arrived on time, but she was handing in homework > on time. Tom: Okay, okay! It's very unusual! We get the *point* already! > The other Scouts looked at each other with concern. Joel (Scouts): Damn it, if she starts doing well in class, she'll make *us* look stupid! > Ms. Haruna decided that it might be time for early retirement after all Crow: Or at least seppuku. > and was reading the report to make sure Serena had actually written it. Tom (Haruna) : Hey, wait! This is just the American Declaration of Independence with "United States" changed to "Japan"! > "Ami, you didn't write this did you? I mean, you at least showed > her where to get her information from, right?" Ms. Haruna asked with a > note of desperation creeping into her voice. Joel (Haruna, theatrically): "My world is coming down around me..." > "No, Ms. Haruna, I didn't." Ami replied quietly. Tom: Oh, she's shocked beyond belief... Okay, we get the *point* *ALREADY*! >*** > > Darien walked into the shop. Crow: Ready for some serious shoplifting. > Seeing the girl behind the counter, he placed the invitation on the > counter. > "I'm sorry," he said "but I won't be going to the Gala." Tom (Darien): It conflicts with the night I clean my toilet. >"Oh dear! Are you sure?" the girl asked. All (singing): Raise your hand if you're Sure! > "Yes, I'm sure. By the way, I know my way around this neck of > the woods fairly well, Joel (Darien): You don't know the way to Grandma's house, do you? > but I don't think I've ever seen you in this shop. You new here?" Joel (girl): Yeah, I just came in from the Nega... um, Kyoto! Tom (girl): No, I've always been working here. I just got plastic surgery, dyed my hair and shrunk three inches last night. > "Yes, I was just hired for this job. Tom (girl): Everyone's been really nice. Crow (Jim Carrey): Well, that's because you've got big. . . *THWAP!* > But, to get the subject back on track, do you mind if I ask why > you're not going?" The girl queried. Joel (Darien): Hey, I'd love to go, but I'm playing a heartless, spineless and cruel jerk right now. > Darien hesitated, why should he tell a perfect stranger? Tom: 'Cause the author said so? > But on the other hand, Tom: This _was_ a Sailor Moon fanfic. > she wouldn't know about Serena, so she could give him and objective > viewpoint. Crow: Huh? Oh, I see. "An" objective viewpoint. Joel: The sure mark of a computer spellchecker. > ' What the hell...' he figured 'I'm not going to be seeing her again..' Crow: Of *course* you won't. > "Sure, I guess. Where do you want me to start?" he sighed. Joel (girl): Well, start at the beginning, go through the middle and finish at the end; that usually works. > "The beginning is always a good place. Take your time, it's not >too busy right now." she smiled. Crow (girl): And I'm only paid for my looks and personality. >*** > "Yes Wiseman? You did summon me, did you not?" Rubeus Joel: Creator of the Rubeuk's Cube. > appeared in front of a throne. Tom (Wiseman): Yeah... Scratch my back, will ya? Crow (Wiseman): Yeah... What's a seven letter word for a ghost? > From out of the shadows, a bony hand pointed at Rubeus and > punctuated what the creature had to say. Joel: Until it fell of with the sound of a dry twig snapping, that is. Tom: Phonetic Punctuation. First created by Victor Borge, the great Danish comedian. Crow: Insert favourite pastry or Great Dane joke here. > "It is imperative that we remove the threat presented by that 'Sailor > Moon'. Crow: You've got no idea how much we agree with you on that count... > I want you to Joel: _Please_ teach this DiC company a lesson in messing with Anime. > incapacitate her any way you can. It would be best that she lives, but > if need be, kill her!" Tom: Just strangle her with her own ponytails. > "Of course. It shall be done." All (John Candy in "Cool Runnings"): On Earth as it is in turn seven. > At that, a figure slowly rose up out of the floor. Crow: Ah, the practice dummy has arrived. > Turning to look at the woman who had appeared, Rubeus smirked. > "Ah, my associate has arrived. Crow: Close enough. > It would seem she has a plan...." Crow (Rubeus): ...to deal with those meddling Senshi and their cats! Tom (Blackadder): Does she? Joel (Baldrick): Yes, sir. Tom (Blackadder): A subtle and cunning one? Joel (Baldrick): Yes, sir. Tom (Blackadder): As cunning as a fox just made "Professor of Cunning" at Oxford University? Joel (Baldrick): Yes, sir. Tom (Blackadder): Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. > "And you trust her?" The Creature snarled "After the four sisters, > I would not be too confident of your character evaluations." Crow: Not to mention your income tax receipts. > As she opened her mouth to protest, Rubeus silenced her with > a gesture. "Rest assured, she is loyal to both me and you. We will > discuss her plan and then Tom: Study her recommendations carefully before ignoring them. Crow: And then blaming her when we fail miserably, of course. Tom: Of course. > contact our operative on earth. Rest assured, nothing will go wrong > this time, we will have the rabbit!" Joel: Then it's good luck charms for everybody! Tom (Rebeus): Or my name isn't Charlie Snodgrass! > Retreating once more into the shadows, the Wiseman chuckled. > He already had an inkling of what this girl's plan was. He was > looking forward to Crow: Watching the last episode of Seinfeld? > his revenge..... Tom: Oh, who cares? >*** > As Darien was talking, a second girl came out of the back room. All: The plot thickens! > "There's a call for you, why don't you go on back and I'll join you > in a moment. Crow (Darien): You mean my lederhosen is in? > You will excuse us won't you?" she added to Darien. > > "Of course. I don't mind waiting." he replied with a smile. Joel (Darien): But if it's the local mental hospital, I'm not here. Tom: Look! He has a whole three teeth! > The first girl slipped into the back with a smile. The other girl turned > to him and said Joel: ...with a smile? Crow (girl): Would you care to join us in our "conference call"? > "We won't be long. Are you here to get a new tuxedo?" Tom (Darien): Yeah, but can you make it stainless steel this time? > Standing there, she and Darien talked for a few minutes more before > she too went into the back room. Darien busied himself for a few minutes Joel: Trying on dresses. > until the first girl came back out and they continued their conversation. Crow: ...and the point of this interlude *was*? >*** > Walking past the shop, Serena looked in and started to silently seethe. Tom (Serena): How dare Baskin Robbins bar me from their store! Just because I wanted all thirty one flavours in one big scoop! > "How dare he go in there and talk to another girl?" She muttered "Even > if Darien dumped me, he has no right talking to another girl like that!" Joel: Hey, why not? > She silently admitted that the girl with her long black hair was attractive. Crow (Serena): Hey, if he can "talk" to other girls then so can I! > "But he still shouldn't be talking so seriously with her. Tom: Even if it is about sorting your whites and colours. > And he's looking at her with the sort of look her used to use when he was > talking with me! Crow: (Darien): So... wanna go to the back and check how sturdy the cot is? Joel: CROW! > And she might not even work there!" Furious, Serena > stalked away with her head held up high, dashing away the tears the >threatened to fill her eyes. All (singing): Dashing through the tears, with contacts in your eyes. . . >*** > > "Lk'roug, Milord, Milady. Tom: Miles, Milton, Mildew, Milkman. . . > How may I be of assistance?" The young woman with red hair inquired. Joel: Ranma-chan? Crow: Geena Davis? Tom: Lina? I mean, the real one? > "We are becoming concerned about the Sailor Moon situation. Tom (voices): Please, take a chainsaw and run amok at DiC headquarters. Crow: Naaah, pay DiC a lot of money to make more! Joel: Well, that'll certainly help the cause of evil. > We believe we have a way to remedy that." The woman on the screen > replied. > > As the two young women looked up, Joel: Confused yet? Tom: Well, we've got a woman with red hair, a woman on the screen, and two young women. Crow: The Generic Character Auction is now open! > the man on screen nodded to the one with black hair. "Yes," he > elaborated, "We will need both of you. We think the best way to resolve >this, is to keep her alive." Crow: ...and in great pain. Tom: Although she must remain a drooling vegetable. Crow: Just like she was at the beginning of chapter 1. > "That was not the original plan!" The woman with red hair objected. Tom: (red head, whiny voice): Yeah, I wanted to *kill* her! > "Yes, but I believe the plan I've come up with will succeed." the > woman on screen replied. > "What is your plan, Milady?" The two women asked. Joel: FOR GOD'S SAKE, GIVE THEM SOME NAMES, WILL YOU??? Crow (Milady): Well, first we go rob the First National Bank, then you go and get a pair of scissors and then... Tom: And then? Crow: I dunno, I was making it up as I went along. > "It is quite simple, we arrange for the Scouts and Tuxedo Mask to > be all in one spot, and then we kill all of them but her. Joel: Oh, they're gonna fund Nav! Tom: Are they going to sell tickets? > The death of her friends and her loved one should do the trick." Crow: And then we bid seven no-trump on the next hand. > "That is likely to render anyone insensible with grief. It would > incapacitate even the strongest of warriors." The red-head stated. Crow (red head): Or else it could make them want to tear our lungs out. Joel: It's what created most of the comic-book heroes, after all. > The two characters on screen smiled. "Indeed it would." The > man answered. "Indeed it would. Now, for the details......" Joel (man): Ummm... You can think of them! Tom: The eyes go here, the nose just below them. . . >*** > > "Nooooooo!" The silent scream echoed Tom: Ah, another inhabitant of the realm of the open-handed punch! > as he saw his beloved struck down. Rushing over, he saw her starting to > dissolve into shimmering sparkles. Picking her up gently, he cradled her > head in his arm. Crow: The rest of her flopped lifelessly to the ground. > "Please, hold on..... don't leave me!" he gasped. Tom (Luke Skywalker): Don't leave me, father! > The woman he loved looked up at him, not seeming to notice that she > was fading into nothingness in a prolonged, agonizing way. Tom: Well, if it's prolonged and agonizing, you'd _have_ to notice, wouldn't you? Crow: Maybe she was blissed out on fifty different drugs. > She smiled and spoke softly: "Remember, you make your own destiny, as > do I. So, we will see each other in a little while." Joel: Awwww, how romantic. Can someone just put her out of our misery already? > Reaching up to caress his face, Tom: Her muscles twitched, ripping his nose off. Joel & Crow: Ouch. > one tear slipped down her cheek. As he held her closer, hoping to give > her enough of his own energy to keep her from dying, she faded away > completely. Tom: Ah well, scratch one insipid romance. > Her one tear fell to the floor and mixed with his as he > screamed in mortal agony and denial. Joel: As he saw that someone had drunk all his beer, _again_. > Jolted awake, All: (giggle) Crow: Sandra's doing one of those s without even knowing it... Tom: I'm sorta surprised Samantha hasn't shown up yet, actually. She seems to get everywhere nowadays... >thoughts ran as fast as quicksilver through his mind. It was not that often he > had a dream so vivid. Joel: Only after those triple anchovy pizzas. > Greg knew it meant something, but he hoped he was wrong as to what it > was. > For if he was right, Sailor Mercury, better known as Ami was going to die > soon. Tom: Wouldn't *that* be a pity? Crow: Known as "Ami was going to die soon". There's a bad last name for you. Joel: Hi, I'm Joel "Is gonna hurl soon", what's your name? > He sat up thinking "I'm wrong.... she won't die." Tom: But, then again, anything can happen in Self-Insertion Land. >But he had never been wrong before.... Crow: Oh, look. Blatant foreshadowing. > > > >This chapter has probably taken the longest to write. It's a neat chapter, Joel: As opposed to a messy one. > and I thought it would be fun to see what Lita's apartment looked like. > It will be showing up. It has also been one of the more interesting > chapters to write, Dan and I having nicknamed it Steamy Seven'.>:) Crow: There's a killer fanfic title if I ever heard one... > Greg has read some of it, but I even changed some of what he read. Tom: Yeah, like that dream he had where Ami dies. > By being specifically vague when describing it to him, I was able to bring > him to his knees. Some of you who were at the only CA I've been to might > remember that. Crow: I think our MSTer has drawn a blank on that night. Tom: Yeah, so has our *other* MSTer. > (It was FUN!) Some might look at the end of the chapter as being a sign > that all is better, and that they make up. Unfortunately, don't be too > sure. Joel: The cows are not what they seem. . . . > You might have some fun keeping track of seals and chapter titles for > future reference, as I'm going to have guessing games with them at some > point. Tom: Cool. Can we win prizes? Crow: Just so long as they give out a way *down* from this damned place... > I also would kind of like to hear about what you guys think the ideal > escort for Mina would be. (I have everyone's except hers figured out.) > There's going to be a bit of a surprise with the escorts, as there will > Crow: Huh? Uh-oh. Looks like someone unplugged Sandra's computer. Tom: And _how_ is that a bad thing? > TTFN&TTYL, > PYCK-SWO and HSAR of PMS, >Sandra E. Hobbs Crow: D'oh! Still alive! Tom (reciting): Admiral of Starfleet, Commander of the Kids' Crew, Princess of Essex, Heir to the known Universe. > >CHAPTER SEVEN >*WHO DO YOU SERVE?* >***************************************************************** Joel: We serve the Almighty Snowflake! > Lita whirled through Crow: The wind tunnel, screaming her head off. > her martial arts exercises. She found they helped focus herself when > she was troubled. And right now, All: ...she was troubled. > she was troubled. All: Nope, didn't see that coming. > Some of the > disjointed images from Raye's fire reading flashed through her mind >as she remembered that afternoon. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom: What the heck is that squiggly thing? Kind of looks like a snake that's been hit by a steamroller. Crow: An electric fence maybe? > "It's not your fault you couldn't track her Ami." Mina soothed, Crow: But don't worry, we'll yell at you and blame you for it anyway! Joel: "Her" Ami? What, does each villain have their own complement of Sailor Scouts? > "She was using too many portals for us to track all of them. After all, >once she reached Ottawa, Tom: The hot air from Parliament Hill hit the cold front off the Ottawa River and we lost her in the fog. > it's not like we could just hop a plane to continue following her." Crow: Sure, just say, "Hi, we're saving the World. Can you drop us off to Canada?" Tom: ...and then get locked up in a mental institute. Joel: Wouldn't work. Not with all the cutbacks at Canadian Airlines. > "I know, I just can't help feeling like I've failed both Serena and > Reenie." Ami sighed. > "There was no way you could have foreseen such a contingency Ami. > Nothing would have changed what happened." Lita chipped in. Tom (Ami): Hey, I'm trying to angst here! Stop trying to cheer me up! > "If I had guarded her well, Selina would never have escaped! For > that I must take responsibility." Joel (Luna): Okay, if you insist. > "Ami, you're being too hard on yourself. You aren't God, you know?" > Lita continued. Tom: No, Selina is! > "True, but Raye's reading was more of a help than my computer. > I couldn't even begin to analyse them!" Crow (Ami): I'm so inadequate! Joel: Hey, your fault for using an Atari. > The other girls sighed. Ami took things so seriously anyway, that > whenever something like this happened, she wound up Tom: Tighter than a spandex outfit in the musical CATS. > often as not blaming herself. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Crow: And as you can see, the garter snakes have started to spawn. . . > As she thought about some of the images from the fire, Lita whirled > even faster through her routine. All (singing): Dizzy, dizzy. . . > As she saw the final image, she kicked the workout bag so hard that it > burst. Tom: Superballs went bouncing everywhere. Joel: She must have seen her old boyfriend. > She wasn't going to let them kill her first real friend, Serena. Joel: Unless they paid her well, anyway. Crow: But no one could take away her imaginary friends. >*** > > "So, you see, she's mad at me Joel: I took the last jelly doughnut. > - and has every reason to be so - but I have to do this. If I don't, > she'll die; as it is, I have to hurt her." Tom: Lending more credence to the Dominatrix Raye theory. > Darien finished his explanation of why he wasn't going to the Gala. Crow: Oh, we already know the reason for *that*. It's 'cause he's a pathetic, spineless drip. > Even though one of the last things he needed was another tuxedo, they > were measuring him for it anyway. Crow: The redhead was taking a long time with his waist and inside leg. And _what_ was that pinching. . . ? > "What do you think I should do?" he asked the red-head next to him. Tom (red-head): Well, I have some pills here that should help you... > "I wouldn't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do," she said > thoughtfully. "But Crow (red-head): ...I'll do it anyway! > maybe you should ask yourself a few questions: Do you really love her?" > she started Joel (Darien): Well... is the sky fluorescent green? > "With all my heart!" Darien burst out. Tom: All over the room. > "That's good, here are the others: How much do you Joel (red-head): ...think you should have to pay so I keep this from her? > trust this dream?" Darien smiled wryly; Tom (Darien): Well, I'm still waiting for that dream about Mina and I to come true. . . > if she knew how much his earlier dreams had meant, she wouldn't ask. But > of course, he had left out anything relating to the Scouts. Crow: ...except their real identities and complete life stories. > "Can you live so long without her?" No!' thought Darien, I can't!' Tom: Whoops. Better tighten up those thoughts. They're pretty weak. Joel: Well, so is Darien's brain without Serena. Tom: True. Crow: Maybe it was that last clonk with the shoes that did it. Tom (Darien): Yeah, I'll die without the sweet sound of her incessant whining! > "Can she live without you? In other words, which is more likely to > hurt her? Crow: The sandpaper or the pneumatic drill? > The loss of the one man she ever truly loved, or some force that can be > defended against?" > > The one man...' Darien repeated mentally. Joel (Darien): She loved me? Damn, people should *tell* me these things! > "And what is it you aren't telling anyone about this? Crow (Darien): Well, there is my strange meatball fetish... > I know there are things you will naturally keep from a stranger, but must > you keep them from her - and yourself?" Tom (Darien): Yeah, of course. Otherwise the subplot would be resolved too soon. Crow (ditto): Hell, yeah. After all, I'm an idiot. > Grimacing, Darien studied her face. But her green eyes revealed > nothing - just what did she know? Tom: The exact numerical value of the square root of negative one? Joel: If she's been measuring you, the size of a lot of different things, it looks like. Crow (red-head): Jeez, that thing's small... hand me my microscope and tweezers, someone! Joel: Crow... Crow: Hey, you started it! >*** > As the woman rose from the floor, Joel: She cracked her head on the invisible glass ceiling. > the Wiseman spoke: "How go the battle plans? Any objections in the > change from your operatives?" Crow: In other words, "do any of your goons have a problem with it", yes? Speaku Engrishu preasu. Tom (woman): Well, they did complain about the change for the drink machines. . . > "They were surprised, but were too well trained to question their >orders." she replied Tom (woman): Besides, I've been thinking for them for so long that they've forgotten how to do it themselves! Crow (woman): As a reward, I patted them on the head and gave them each a biscuit. > "Let's hope their teacher remembers this as well." the Wiseman > returned sombrely. The woman's eyes flashed in anger. Joel: Wow, I wish I could do that... > "Have no fear." she practically spat out as she sank below the floor. Joel: Go to Hell, go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. *** > Storming home, Serena saw that the sky was changing to become > much like Tom: The same colour as it is in Sandra's world. Crow: A new colour every day! Author (sticks head into theatre.): Want to know what colour it is today? All: NO!! GET OUT!! Author (sticks tongue out at them): Must be the Y chromosone. (Leaves) > her mood. Tom: Oh, blatantly obvious symbolism, how fun. > Knowing she was a good forty minutes walk from home, she > hoped it wouldn't start raining before she made it. As though some force > was conspiring against her, Joel: SMIRC, maybe? > the skies opened up. Tom: And the airplane's landing gear was the last thing she saw. . . > Within minutes Serena was soaking wet and miserable. Spotting a familiar > apartment building, Crow: The one slated for demolition. > she dashed into the lobby and out of the rain. Crow: ...right into the middle of Bloodbath 3! Tom: If only... > Standing near the doors, looking out at the rain, she didn't notice > anyone approaching until they spoke. Joel: HeLlO. I aM tOrGo. I tAkE cArE oF tHe PlAcE wHiLe ThE mAsTeR iS aWaY. Crow: Hey... you wanna see my earthworm collection? > "Come on dearie, I'll let you into the apartment. You might be able to > dry off some, and you can get something warm tucked into you." Tom (woman): You can eat my gerbil! >Without waiting to hear her protests, the woman Serena recognized as Tom: Granny a Go-Go. All: (shudder) > the apartment super dragged her into the elevator. Tom (clerk): Would you like to be shown to your room or be dragged kicking and screaming? Crow (Ned Flanders): Oh, kicking and screaming, please! Joel: Alas! Poor Serena... (sniff) Ah well, what's for lunch? > "But, I can't just go in!" Serena pleaded. Tom: What, is she a vampire? Crow: That's an insult to vampires. Tom: No, Serge is an insult to vampires. Joel: You realize only about three people will get that riff? Tom: So? > "Nonsense dearie, I know your friend won't mind you drying off > while they're gone! I won't hear any more about it, you're going in and > warming up before you catch your death of cold." With this emphatic > statement, she drew up in front of the apartment door, unlocked it and > practically pushed Serena in. Crow: ...then she locked it and got on the phone with Happosai. > "Now you make yourself at home dearie, and don't you dare sit around > in those wet clothes, take a hot shower!" and she closed the door. Tom: That has got to be the world's nosiest super. Joel: Kind of reminds me of my grandmother. > Looking around, Serena quickly located the linen closet. I am alone, > and am likely to be so until after the storm, so I may as well.' Tom: What, talk like an android? > Walking to the bathroom, she stripped of her wet clothes, Joel: (covers Bots' eyes.) Crow: Thanks. Not even *I* needed to see that... > leaving a sodden heap on the floor. > Draping the towel she'd filched from the linen closet over the rack, she > undid her hair and stepped into the shower. All: (mimic the sound of screeching violins.) > Closing the frosted glass door behind her, she started the hot water > running. Within seconds the room had filled with steam (Steam begins to fill the theatre) Joel (wheezing): Boy, is it getting humid in here or what? Crow: Joel? Where are you? Magic Voice! Magic Voice: Yes? Crow: Tell Gypsy to turn on the fans in the theatre, please? Magic Voice: Sure thing. (The fans start up and the room slowly clears.) All: Whew! > and she started feeling human again. Crow: Until then, she'd been feeling vaguely like a Betelgeusian. > Reluctantly turning the water off, she stepped out and wrapped the > towel loosely around herself. Tom: And entered the record books for the world's shortest shower. > Opening the bathroom door, she saw the hazy outlines of a man. Crow: How could you tell? Joel: Crow! Crow: What? It's a legit question! > Instinctively, dropping into a defensive stance, she confronted the > indistinct figure: "What are you doing here?" Joel (Jim Carrey): Cable Guy! Tom: Oh, I'm here to rape and kill you, that's all. >*** > > Raging, the woman paced the floor. Abruptly whirling to face her > partner, she shouted, Joel: What do you mean you forgot the donuts?? > "How dare he say such a thing! Why do you let him > get away with such things?" > > "Who is it that you are serving? Tom: Um, Haim Saban? Crow (woman): Oh, some obsessive-compulsive guy played by Jack Nicholson! > Remember who you have pledged your allegiance to." Rubeus said quietly. All (reciting): I pledge allegiance to the Dominion of Canada... Crow: "Hail Satan". Tom: So, is that our mandatory Simpsons reference? > "I remember! Leave it alone will you?" she tossed over her shoulder as she > stormed out of the room. Joel: Tossed what over her shoulder? A hand grenade? Crow: Probably the script. >*** > > "I remember the last storm like this." Raye stated Crow (Raye): It was all Jupiter's fault, with that stupid thunder of hers. "You guys remember how Serena flipped? Tom (Ami): Yeah, it was a double backflip with a twist and a half. > It's a good thing she's not here." > > "You'd tease her to death before she could die of fear, Raye." Crow (Raye): Yeah, well, you're ugly! > Mina countered "Where do you think she is now?" Joel (Raye): In some guy's shower, probably. Lucky little... > "At home no doubt, with her parents." Ami replied. Crow: Must... resist... making... sick and twisted... joke... Joel: Good Crow. > "Yeah! Hiding under her bed with the lights on hoping that > someone will come riding up and stop the storm for her." Raye > snorted ignoring the sighs everyone let out. All (take a deep breath) Crow (Friendly announcer): Remember, kids! Punctuation is our friend! >*** > As a flash of lightning lit up the room, the figure replied: Tom (figure): I am the Phantom of the Apartment Building! > "I'm the one who should be asking you that. Who are you and > how did you get in here?" Crow: And what have you been smoking in there? Tom (Darien): ...and why's the door hanging off it's hinges? Crow (Darien): And what did you do to my underwear collection? Joel: Underwear collection? Crow: It contains a priceless, vintage 1963 fruit-of-the-loom. > Recognizing the voice, Serena remembered where she was > and stepped back with a gasp - right out of the towel that had > barely been holding its place. All: (applaud politely in appreciation) Tom: Thank God Chibi's not here . . . All: NOOOOOOO! Crow: Agghh! I feel unclean... Tom: Bad image, bad image, bad image... Sorry, guys. Joel: Ooooh, that'll haunt me... > "I, I was let in." she stammered. "I thought you'd be gone till the > storm was over." As the steam started to clear, she was able to > make out the surprised features of Darien. Crow: Soon to be the "passed-out features" of Darien once the steam clears all the way. Tom: Saaay, Sandra, thanks for keeping us in suspense for so long. I mean, it's not as though we had *any* chance to guess who that *was*, right? > "I'll leave now." she breathed as she started to brush past him. Crow: While I'm still stark naked! Joel: Gaaak! No, please! Put on some *clothes*, dammit! > Grabbing her arm as she went past, Darien spun her around > so that she was standing inches away from him. "No," he said huskily > "You're not leaving." Crow (Darien): We have to make out first! Joel: Quit it, Crow. Crow: Well, it's true basically, isn't it? Joel: No it isn't! Crow: Ahhh, poor Joel, you just refuse to see the obvious truth, don't you? > Realizing the state of her undress, Serena blushed furiously, > shook her arm free from his grasp and scooped the towel up and > around her. All: Thank you; thank you; thank you... > "I won't inconvenience you any. Joel: Oh, please don't hurry on *our* account. After all, we're *really* enjoying this, aren't we? Tom: Oh, yes, this has got to be the best mind-numbing waste of time I've ever seen. > I'll just get my things and I'll be gone." she stated with a defiant >shake of her hair. > > "Dammit Serena! You're not leaving this apartment! It's > pouring even worse than ever, and your clothes are still wet. > You're going to kill yourself!" Darien exploded. Tom: First he burst out, then he exploded. Joel: Yuck! Now there's little bits of Darien all over the place! Tom: Ewww, I think some of his brain ended up in Serena's hair! Joel: ...and that's our mandatory Pulp Fiction reference. > Seeing her back up in the face of his fury he moved past her > and scooped up her wet clothes. "I'll get something for you to > wear while your clothes dry." he stated flatly. Joel (Darien): I think I have a barrel with suspenders here somewhere. . . > He turned and walked into his bedroom. Crow (Darien): Yeah, I have a full selection of women's clothing in the back room. It's... uh... my sister's... Tom (Serena): You don't have a sister... Crow (Darien): D'oh! > With Darien in possession of her clothes, Serena saw no other way. Tom: She decided to hang herself with the soap-on-a-rope. > Staring at him mistrustfully, she moved out of his way and wrapped the > towel even tighter around herself. She practically snatched the clothes > he proffered her and stepped hastily back into the bathroom. Remembering > the way he'd looked at her before she'd recovered the towel, Tom: She changed her mind about starring in that upcoming lemon. > she locked the door before spreading out the clothes she'd been given. Crow (Serena): Hey, why's he got a leather bikini here? > Slipping into the pyjamas, she rolled the long sleeves up a little and > picked up a comb. > Combing her hair as she walked out of the bathroom, she saw Darien Tom: ...loading a machine gun. > spreading her clothes on a drying rack in front of the fireplace. Joel: Then she watched as her underwear burst into flames. > Watching him, she saw him kneel down and light a carefully laid fire. Tom: Using her clothes as starter fuel. > Getting up and turning around, he saw her in the light of the fireplace, > combing the tangles out of her hair. Turning abruptly, he went to the > stove and said: Joel (Darien): I'll just stick my head in here and light it, too. Tom (Darien): So, d'you like your cat-meat rare, medium or well-done? > "It's a good thing the power's still on; I've had the chance to make > something hot to drink. And the lights will keep the boogyman away." Crow: Oscar? Tom: David "Foxfire" Kintobor? Joel: General Patterson? Crow: Nav? Tom: Tuxedo Chris? Joel: Megane 6.7? (Tom and Crow stare at him) Joel: Sorry. Wrong boogeyman. > Smiling at the flash of annoyance in her eyes, he gestured for her to help > herself and went to change. All (singing): Every time I see you / And I just can't help myself. . . > Ladling out a cup of cocoa, Serena thought about the last encounter > she'd had with a bad storm. They still gave her the willies, Crow: The rubber kind? Joel: CROW!! Tom: How many heads did that joke go over? > no matter how many she lived through. Putting her mug beside the phone, > she picked up the receiver and dialled the number for her house. Her > mother picked it up after only a few rings. Crow: ...and then the telephone blew up. Joel: Or possibly her house. Tom: Or possibly both. > "*Serena? Where are you? Crow (Serena): In the headquarters of the local slave ring, why? > Are you all right?*" her mother asked. Tom (Mother): Are you decent? > Answering, Serena decided she'd better not let on that she was at > a guy's apartment with him - alone. "I'm fine mom. Just got caught in the > rain is all. I'm cooped up at a friend's place, so don't worry about me. Tom (Serena): With no one for company but his three pet goldfish and a really big tarantula. > I'll try to get home as soon as I can." Joel (Serena): Or never, whichever comes first. > "*Well, since you're with a friend, why not stay all night if the >storm lasts much longer? Have you got anything to wear?*" Crow (Serena): Yeah, an old cardboard box. Kind of drafty. > "Yes mom, I've borrowed something dry. I'll see you soon, okay?" > > "*Have fun dear, and try not to let the storm bother you! Bye!*" > Before she could reply, her mom hung up. Grinning, she realized what a > good thing it was her mom had answered - her dad would have given her > the third degree. Joel: She already had a B.Sc. in Plot Contrivance and a B.A. in Creative Whining. > Sitting down in one of the armchairs, Crow: ...which collapsed right under her... Tom: ...which started to eat her... Crow: That's better, actually. > she nearly dropped her cocoa as a clap of thunder shook the walls. Joel: Hi, Zeus here! Anyone in there I could use for a doormat? >*** > > "Whom do you serve, Serena?" Luna gazed out the window > thinking. "Who is it you're looking out for? Are you even you?" Crow (Cat from Red Dwarf): If you're you and he's you, but he's him and you're him, am I still me? Tom: And what about Scarecrow's brain? Joel: To find out, tune in next week, same cat time, same cat channel! > Sighing, she got up and started to pace. There would be no answers > for a while. Joel: Until next episode, right? >*** > > "Blast!" Selina cursed under her breath. Joel : If you insist. MOKOU TAKABISHA!!! (Nothing happens) Tom: Valiant effort, Joel. > "This storm is the last thing we need!" Tom: Oh? What about... hot pink wallpaper? Joel: What about naval lint? Crow: What about foreshadowing? Tom: You kidding? Considering how much there is, that's probably the first thing they needed. Crow: Yeah, but they've got so much of it, there's probably a surplus. I'm sure they can afford to give some of it away. > Her black-haired companion tried to soothe her, saying Crow (black-haired girl): Who cares? Come on, let's go play mannequin. > "What matters is that our mission gets done. Time will not stand in our > way, we will make sure that our plan works _this_ Time." Tom: Ah, the Incarnation of Time. Joel: Tom, lay off the Piers Anthony books. > "I know we will succeed Jacqueline, Joel (Selina): When she steps down, the throne will be ours! Crow (Jacqueline): Hey, I beat Disco Inferno, I can deal with this *no problem*! Tom: Crow, that's a bit too obscure, isn't it? Crow: Well... at least Lynxara might get it. > but what if we cannot convince her to do what we wish?" Selina replied. > > Grinning, her friend said, "Because, if she is not willing, then you > and I will make her." Crow: Nope. Don't even _want_ to think about what that could mean. >*** > > Fighting down an urge to punch something, Crow: Perhaps the author? > Darien rummaged through his wardrobe for something to wear Tom: Then he suddenly noticed the snow and trees in the back of the wardrobe. And a lamppost, shining brightly . . . Joel: Been reading C.S. Lewis, too, Tom? >. Grabbing jeans and a sweater, he rushed into them , Joel: Stripping them of the football. > but stopped before going out to the living room. "Why'd she > come _here_ of all places?" he raged. Crow: Of all the apartments in all the fanfics in all the world, why'd she have to walk into mine? Tom: Why else? The whim of the author. > "She'll be here all night, and I'm going to have to go out there > and talk to her about something!" Pacing the floor, he thought > for a while about a few good topics of conversation Crow: The weather, movies, maybe the Author Avatar Arena Tournament. . . Joel: Well, most of the participants are Sailor Moon Self-Insertions. Crow: Which says a lot for Sailor Moon. > before something caught his eye. Tom: ...and crushed it in the palm of its hand. > Turning, he picked it up. The face of Serena looked up at him > from the picture frame before falling over. Joel: Drunk and passed out. > "Damn!" he cursed, throwing a vase at the wall. Tom (Darien): Stupid wall! It's all your fault! Joel: "Falling over"? Look, more subtle symbolism. > He was looking for something else to throw Joel (reaching up): Here. Take this fanfic. > when he heard the door open. Knowing it was her, he kept his > back to the door and held the bud vase he'd just picked up even tighter. Joel: Yeah, hit her over the head with it! That's the blueprint for a succesful relationship! > "Are you all right Darien?" Tom (landlady): *Knock Knock*: Are you throwing things around up here? Crow (Darien): No. Tom (landlady): Are you trapped in a crappy fanfic? Crow (Darien): Yes! > he heard her say. Not trusting himself to say anything, he clenched > the vase in a vice-like grip. Finally, it shattered, leaving him holding > a rose in his hand. Its petals fell to the floor, one by one each with a > drop of blood. Tom: Oh, look, yet more subtle symbolism. Joel: And life's just a bed *ouch ouch, ouch ouch* of roses. >*** > > For lack of anything else to do, Mina Tom : Was playing with her Clapper. Crow: She put on a game show with lots of applause and cranked the volume. Joel: And ended up with one hell of a migraine. > looked at the envelope the invitation had come in. Crow: It had a peeling sticker with the return address on it with the words "Humane Society" written underneath. > A fancy script, Tom: With hollow actors and cheesy special effects. Crow: Like Titanic? Tom: Nope. That was *fancy* special effects, *cheesy* actors, and a *hollow* script. Crow: That had actors? Joel: Me, I didn't realize it had a script. > expensive paper, a nice wax seal. Something about the seal made her > examine it more closely: Tom: Negaversum: Evilum youmanum est. > a pillar surrounded by hearts, with a background of stars. Joel: Chevy Chase, Barbara Streisand, Tom Cruise, Helen Hunt. . . . > A memory stirred. Standing at attention while a Crow: Drill sergeant yelled verbal abuse about her and Artemis. > voice asked: Whom do you serve?'. Giving her answer. Joel (Mina): The whole no-smoking section? > "Strange." Tom: The Master of the Mystic Arts? > she muttered with a frown creasing her brow. > >*** > > Standing in the doorway, Serena watched in shock. Joel (Serena): What do you mean, "Pro Wrestling isn't real"? > Blood was dripping onto the shattered crystal vase. Rose petals were > falling as well. Tom: ...the window was open and Darien was splattered on the ground below. > Stifling a gasp, she went slowly over to where he stood > and pried open his hand. Crow (Serena): Darien, give me Mr. Axe and we'll see about fixing our friend, Mr. Computer. > A picture fell onto the bed as a spasm of pain shook his body. Tom: It was a picture of a beer bottle with the inscriptiopn "R.I.P.: Duff closes all breweries" Joel: Haven't we killed that joke already? Crow: Not really, no. Joel: Just asking... > Not > bothering to look, she led him to the living room and sat him on the > sofa. When she returned a moment later with supplies to look after > his hand, he'd not moved from his seat and was staring out into space. Crow (Serena): Hello, Darien? Anybody home? Tom (Serena): Ahh, now *this* is an improvement! > As she came near, he turned a blank stare towards her. Joel (Darien): Would you mind filling out this stare for me? > "I tried to stop them!" came out slowly. Nodding, she cleaned > and bandaged his hand, saying nothing. Joel: Luna got your tongue? Crow: I think he's just receding into his own little world. > Finally looking up, she saw that he had returned from wherever he had been. Tom: A small city on Mars just outside the capital city of Awooble! Crow (Darien): Oh, damn! I'm not the undisputed master and ruler of the world after all! > Thanking her, Darien picked up the supplies she had gotten > out and put them in their original places. Crow (Darien): Let's see, hacksaw goes here, blowtorch goes here, and the whiskey goes in. . . me! > Coming back, he ladled cocoa into two mugs and returned to the sofa. Joel: Then they sulked for the rest of the night. > Giving one to Serena, he sat at the other side of the sofa. Talking, > neither of them brought up the subject of what had just happened, both > a little afraid of the answers. They talked about the weather, sports, > books Tom: Serena? Books? SERENA? > and movies until they started to yawn. Joel: Must have been discussing this fic too... > Making up the sofa, Crow: Ah, it's an imaginary sofa! > Darien left it for Serena and went into his room. > > Serena knocked on the door and opened it. Tom (Serena): Uh, Darien, I found your termite farm in the sofa, what's left of it... > She saw Darien lying on top of his covers, next to the turned over > photograph. Tom: ...staring blindly at the ceiling, blood dripping from his throat... Crow: That's just wishful thinking, Tom. Unfortunately. > Sweeping up the broken vases, she kept an eye on him, > but he did nothing except follow her with his eyes as she did him. Crow: (giggles) Joel: Oy vey. > Emptying the dustpan into the wastepaper basket, she went and sat > beside him on the bed. Picking up the photograph, she recognized it > as one Tom: That was _very_ incriminating. > that had been taken o the two of them a few months back. Joel: There goes Sandra into that Irish accent again. > Turning, she saw the tears in her eyes mirrored in his own and leaned > a little towards him. Seeing no resistance, Crow: Resistance is futile! You will be kitsched to death! > she leaned onto his chest and kissed him. Responding, Darien reached > up and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her do the same. All (closing eyes and chanting): It's not what it seems, it's not what it seems. . . >*** > Tom: Oh, how dreadfully unfortunate. Crow: Boo-hoo-hoo. Joel: Oh, it wasn't that bad... Tom: Yeah, but it wasn't that *good* either. And Dr. F. promised to send us a *good* self insertion, remember? Joel: We all three know there's no such thing. Tom: (thinks) Actually, you're right. Joel: Exactly. Come on, let's go. (All Exeunt.) *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 1530 HOURS* Victorious once again (for, as we all know, Evil never wins (TM)), the trio emerged from the theater. Immediately, Joel called the Bots back to action. "C'mon, guys, we've got to finish renovating the S.o.L." Tom Servo groaned loudly with a tone that clearly said "I'd rather have a red hot poker driven up my hoverskirt, thank you. Do we *have* to?" Crow cackled evilly, "Still sore about that Ratliff thing, huh Tom?" Tom paled (Yes, we realize he's a machine. Believe us, he paled anyway.) "Gaak! Don't *remind* me! Anyway, *you'd* have to work too you know!" Crow paused thoughtfully. One could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. "Joel, do we *have* to?" he asked plaintively. "Yes." Joel replied in a tone that brooked no dissension (unless accompanied by a hearty bribe). "Tom Servo, get... The List!" Tom sighed deeply. "Very well..." Humming the death march under his breath, he disappeared into the back rooms of the S.o.L. Soon afterwards, he popped back out. "Here it is," he said in a resigned tone. "Okay, let's see..." Joel said, unfurling the document. "Where were we...? Repairing the infrastructure of the Satellite, right?" "Saaay, Joel..." Tom pleaded, "We don't *have* to do that right now, do we...?" "Okay," said Joel, "so what's next on The List? Tom?" He held the twelve foot long paper out for the bots to see. "Um..." Tom looked at the paper for a while. Then he looked at the paper a while more. Finally, he said, "I'm not sure, what with this handwriting of yours, but it seems to say "excavate the refrigerator"." "Okay..." Joel nodded, "who wants to get the mining equipment?" "Uhhh... can we just skip that too?" Crow asked. "Sure," Joel nodded amiably, "just tell me which bit you *do* want to do." He put the paper down in front of Crow, and the golden bot began to read it. "No... No.... No way... Heck, that looks *dangerous*... Maybe when hell freezes over... Thanks but I'd rather wax Dr. F's mustache... I'm *not* doing that..." Joel nodded, a decision clearly made, "Then the refrigerator it is." Crow shook his head fervently, "But Joel... there are things *alive* in there!" Tom snorted, "Not just "alive" Crow, sentient. Hell, they've probably even developed their own political system by now..." Crow nodded quickly, "Yeah, exactly. Joel, do you know what some of those chemicals can *do* to a bot??" "Well, we can't just sit around and not do anything!" Joel exclaimed. "Why not?" *Flash* *Flash* *Flash* "Well, because... oh, hold on, Pat and Billy are calling..." *DEEP 13* "And then, Frank dear, I will take this corkscrew and gouge out your nipple with it. Following that, I'll put the remaining two dozen thumbtacks into your tongue. Afterwards, you'll get to feel the thoroughly joyful agony of gasoline flowing through your veins. Then after a short break for a delightful lunch of filet mignon--for me anyway--I'll be smothering you with a plastic bag filled to the brim with horse manure. And then..." Silently (for good reason, being securely gagged) T.V.'s Frank pointed urgently at the Hexfield Viewscreen. He was tied up head to toe, with about fifteen different needles sticking out of him and various pieces of unpleasant looking torture and/or dentistry equipment around him. Dr. Clayton Forrester grinned malevolently as he saw Joel and the Bots, "Oh, hello Joeline and the lean, mean machines! How nice to see you! As you can see, I'm in the process of, erm, a discussion with Frank. I'd love to stay and chitchat, but this really is *very* urgent, so I'm afraid I'll have to go now... Push the..." he turned to Frank and paused, a twisted smile playing over his features, "Oh, yes, of course." He reached towards the Button... "Hey, hold on!" Joel shouted feverishly. "Yes, yes, what is it?" Dr. F. asked in a tone brimming over with boredom. "Well, didn't you promise to send us a *good* self insertion fic is one of us won the bet about Jolt's thirtieth MSTing?" Dr. F. rolled his eyes, exasperated, "Oh, for Josef Mengele's sake, I'm *evil*! Haven't you gotten that through your thick skull yet? Besides, even if I weren't, we all know there's no such thing as a *good* self insertion! Have a nice day!" *BZZZZZZT!* "Now, Frank, where were we... Ah yes! After that, I'll cut off your remaining pinky finger with this rusty razorblade and then..." --- AND CUT IT THERE... --- MSTer's EndNotes (Nightbreak): It's over! That is, until Sandy decides to write more. . . (Insert theme from Jaws here.) To correct Dr. F., I know of one _good_ self-insertion fic: The "College Life" series by Greenbeans. Very well done and almost no ego involved! Anything else, B? B: What he said. ;) Actually, there is a few self insertions that I don't particularly mind... CL is one, as is our very own Jamie Jeans' "A New Start" (leastways I think that was the title...) And I've always liked Twisted Path for some weird reason, even if the author avatar is about fifty times too powerful. (Maybe it's cause he keeps getting his ass whipped? Then again, that's true about Bubblegum Zone too and *that* irritates me. Of course, it's also sooooo long!) *Ahem* Rant mode off. Anything else? No, not really. Until next time, all!