From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:39 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 1/9 ["Mystery Science Theater 3000", post AC-7, reel one.] [Theme song] [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out by the desk next to a computer monitor. Enter Mike.] Mike: Well, I've got a computer hookup in the theater so Nine can take part in the experiments with us! Crow: Huh? Tom: Hmm. Okay, either I'm smoking crack, or that sentence just doesn't parse at all. I'm pretty sure it's one of those two. Mike: Come on, you remember! You know, Nine? Beta-Nine? That computer program Dr. F. put together to automate the experiments back in post AC-6? Crow: Are you kidding me? That post went up in like the mid-70's! Tom: Besides, you don't really expect us to follow continuity, do you? It'll kill our chances for syndication! Crow: Right! Each episode has to derive from a status quo independent of all other episodes so that the affiliates can show them out of order! Mike: Tough. Nine escaped to the SOL at the end of the last post, and she's still here. Right now she's checking out some of the backlog and she'll be zapping in any minute now. Why else do you think we have the monitor out? Crow: I thought we were gonna play some Zoop. Tom: Zoop! Zoop! Mike: Zorry. [Yellow light flashes] Mike: We'll be right back. Crow: Nice hat. [Commercials] [More commercials] [Still more commercials] [Back on the SOL. The computer monitor flickers and Nine zaps in. It quickly becomes obvious that her appearance is based on that of Marrissa Amber Flores Picard.] Nine: Well, sure, in the sense that KIDS was based on "The ABC Afterschool Special". Crow: Uh, who're you talking to? Nine: Forget it. So when do we get our experiment? [Red light flashes] Mike: Right now. Harmony Korine's calling. [pushes button] [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Well, Nelson, you're in luck today. I've decided to give you a-- YOU! [SOL] Nine: Hey, Clay, what's up? [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Traitorous wench! [SOL] Nine: Uh, sure. Thanks for sharing, Grignr. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Well, this changes everything! I =was= going to let you boys watch that talking pig movie, but if you're keeping company with =her= you'll just have to eat hot Ratliff! It's A ROYAL WEDDING, boobies! I hope you choke on it. [SOL] Nine: Ratliff? Maybe I'll just stay out here. Bots: Hey, no fair! We-- [Lights flash] All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN! Nine: Yeah, I think I'll just hang with Gypsy for a while... [6...5...4...3...2...1...] Crow: Wimp. Tom: I dunno, Crow. When this is over I doubt =she'll= be the one who's crying. >A Royal Wedding Tom: --starring Fred Astaire. 1951, I believe. Crow: Gee, Tom, we're all real impressed. >by Stephen Ratliff > >a sequel to Anne-Lise Paush's entry in the Marrissa Stories - >Generations 2. Crow: Oh my God! He's got groupies! >Dedicated to > > my Grandmother, Ocie Ratliff Tom: "Ocie"? Boy, Ratliff really =is= a Southerner! > and > > The Guidance department of Cave Spring High School, Roanoke, VA Mike: "Thanks for assigning me all that time in detention so I could write these stories!" > Especially, > Ms. Toni Tillman, head of the department and > Mrs. Biggs, the secretary. > >Prologue Tom: Given Ratliff's writing skills, shouldn't that be "Amateurlogue"? > Jay Gordon believed that Marrissa was dead. They had failed to retrieve her from the >Nexus before it was consumed by a star. No one could survive the heat of a star or so he though. Mike: Marrissa, of course, can stroll through a supernova and come out with nothing more than a boss tan. >Now it was his duty as Acting-Captain of the Endeavor in Marrissa's absence to in form everyone of her death. >They had just recently returned from the Enterprise-E to the Endeavor. Jay however could not bring >himself to the bridge where Marrissa once sat, Crow: --at least not until they aired it out for a few days. >Marrissa who he loved. So instead he made the necessary announcements form Mike: --and filled it out with a #2 pencil. >his quarters. > "Commander Jay Gordon to all Starfleet Personnel. I regret to inform you that our Captain, >Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, heir to Essex, has parished in the line of duty. Tom: I guess that means she's =diocesed=, huh? Mike & Crow: *groan* > She was the finest example of a Starfleet officer and ship's Captain. She will be missed by >all who knew her. Gordon out." He had tried so hard to keep his voice even but at the end the >'Gordon out' had came out in a sob. The door chimed. "Come," he sobbed. Crow: "Are you... are you crying? There's no crying in Starfleet!" > Clara Sutter entered the room, "Jay snap out of it," where the first words out of her mouth. >"I came to remind you not to forget to inform Essex of Marrissa's demise, but I think you better wait until you >get your emotions under control." Mike: "It's only the death of your soulmate! Suck it up, man!" > "I am under control," Jay replied, with a sob. Tom: This guy makes Elizabeth Wurtzel look like a guard at Buckingham Palace! > "Not according to that last announcement," Clara said. "Why don't you go see Counselor Sussex." > "I can't go see Martin," Jay replied. Crow: "I don't get Fox where I live!" >"I can't go see him after letting his cousin down. He will blame me." > "I'm Marrissa's cousin and I'm not blaming you," Clara replied. "Just go see him Jay." > > Meanwhile on Earth, millions of years ago, Tom: Ratliff seems to hold the geologist's perspective on "meanwhile." Mike: Yeah. It's like, "Today Bob Dole wrapped up the Republican nomination. Meanwhile, dinosaurs roamed the earth." Crow: I don't see any contradiction there. >Marrissa was sitting back against a rock Nine [zapping in]: She doesn't look =that= much like me! Mike: No, she's... older... Crow: But not that much older... Tom: You figure seventeen, maybe? Eighteen? >thinking of how the previous mission had gone. As far as she new the rest of the crew had succeeded >and the Nexus was gone. Then suddenly Q appeared. Nine: How convenient! Mike: Oh, this is a well-foreshadowed plot development compared to Ratliff's usual. Stick around, you'll see. Nine: Sure, okay. I don't have any particular drive to go listen to more fabulous facts about Richard Basehart. >"Nice of you to stop by Q," Marrissa said. "Would you mind giving me a lift back to the Endeavor?" Tom [Q]: "No! I don't go to Queens!" > "Oh I will after we have another of our chats," Q replied. Nine [Marrissa]: "Fine, fine. *sigh* Okay, I'm wearing a Starfleet uniform, but it's oh so hot in here, and I think I'll just take it off, and--" >"I've been watching your crew. They think you are dead." > "Well then Q I think I can give you a little of that entertainment you enjoy so much," Marrissa grinned. > "You really think you can come up with something to entertain me," Q replied. Mike [Marrissa]: "Well, that talking pig movie is out on video now and I've got a Blockbuster card..." > "Haven't I done just that before?" Marrissa said. > "True, but never deliberately," Q responded. Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up! I =meant= to slip on that banana peel!" > "Well then consider this phrase, 'the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated,'" > Marrissa offered. > "I see what you mean," Q laughed. Mike: "Ha ha ha! The fact that you consider that timeworn cliche a fresh and witty retort amuses me to no end!" >"Where do you want to start?" > "My ready room when Jay walks in I want to be standing beside the door," Marrissa replied. >"Then I think ..." > >Chapter One Crow: That was the =prologue=?? Tom: This is gonna be a looooong experiment, guys. > After a visit to the Ship's Counselor, Martin Sussex, Jay had decided it would be a good idea >to visit the bridge and the ready room which was now his. Crow: For some reason he thought it'd be an even better idea to put on a Bob Seger record and take off his pants first. > As he entered the bridge, Alexander, who Marrissa had left in command when she left on that >last mission, spoke up, "I was wondering when you would return to the bridge." Tom: "While you were gone I bid three spades." > "And you keep command for the past three to four shifts, just so you could see me," Jay replied. Mike [Alexander]: "Has it been that long? Man, time flies when you're bombarding nearby planets with photon torpedoes." >"Haven't I told you not to do that?" > "Five shifts, and no you haven't, Marrissa has," Alexander replied. > "That's right on my recommendations, Tom: Oh, I'm sure! And I suppose the cotton gin was your idea too? >but you will have to serve another shift," Jay replied. "If you chose to stay up that long I'm >making sure you are very tried when you get off duty even If I have to chase you around the ship, >is that clear Lieutenant?" > "Aye sir." Crow [Alexander]: "But isn't it Ensign Benny Hill's job to chase people around the ship?" > "I'll be in the Ready Room if you need me, and when this shift is over we are doing laps >around deck 9," Jay said, entering the ready room. Mike: Maybe I'm just being dense, but... WHAT DOES RUNNING LAPS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?? > As the ready room door opened, Marrissa barely suppressed a giggle. Jay entered the room >and moved around her desk. As he began to sit down in her chair she said. "To quote my father, >'I believe you are sitting in my chair.'" Tom: Some aphorisms are so chock full of wisdom they apply in nearly any situation! > Jay looked up, startled. "Marrissa?" he said. > "Yes, who else would it be?" she replied. Crow: "Well, sometimes Clara comes in here and does doughnuts on your swivel chair..." > "But how?" Jay asked. Mike: "To find out how Encyclopedia Brown solved The Case of the Missing Marrissa, turn to page 74!" > "Well when I realized that you had failed to lock on to me," Marrissa said. "I searched >for away out. I remembered my father had gotten out with by wanting to go to a specific place. >So since I couldn't decide on a place I just though I want to go Home. I ended up Tom: "--sliding into the plate at Fenway!" >on earth about millions of years ago. Then Q stopped by and gave me a lift." > Jay just stood there. Crow: Ah, Ratliff's been taking writing lessons from Neal Mentech! >Then suddenly he walked around the desk and kneeled before Marrissa, "I love you, Marrissa. >Will you marry me?" > "Yes, I will Jay, remind me to suggest faking a death to Clara," Marrissa replied. Nine: "After all, once she's married she'll need to have her faking skills in top form!" > "Why," Jay asked standing up. Mike: Wouldn't a more appropriate question be, "How come you're acting like my marriage proposal was no more important than if I'd offered you a piece of toast?" > "She has been working on getting Alex to marry her as long as I have been with you," >Marrissa replied, then with a glimmer in her eyes continued. Tom: "Machiavellian scheming makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!" >"Personally I think your proposal is a result of relief that you won't have to take command permanently." > "It most certain ..." Jay began, then noticing Marrissa's grin he stopped. Crow: "Um, look, once we're married you =will= start brushing your teeth, right?" >"You would think that after ten years I wouldn't fall for it." he shook his head. > "You've got the rest of my life to try, but don't think your going to succeed," Marrissa said. > "Now if you don't mind, Q!" > Q appeared. Tom [Q]: "See that camera over there, Jay? You're on Totally Hidden Video!" >"I see what you mean by entertaining," he said. Mike: "It's nothing close to what =I= would consider entertaining, but now I see how =you= define the term. Sad, really." > "Thanks for rescuing Marrissa," Jay said. > "It was my pleasure as you can see," Q replied. "Who do you want to surprise next?" Crow: Q seems to have lurched into full-on slumber-party mode! > "How about Doctor Johnson," Marrissa responded. "He should be getting around to filling >out my death certificate about now." > "He does hate to do that doesn't he," Jay commented. Mike: On the other hand, the rest of us put Marrissa's name on death certificates over and over again just to relieve stress. > "Yes he does," Marrissa replied. "Oh and Jay when you go back to the bridge don't tell Alex. > Instead make him take his laps around Engineering. I think it would be more entertaining if he and Clara >found out about my return around the same time." Tom: If only =Ratliff= spent this much time trying to be entertaining! Mike: Unfortunately, he =does= have the same amount of success. > "Aye sir. Plus you can't keep a secret from one of them if you tell the other." > "Now go sit in that chair you've been avoiding for the last two days," Marrissa ordered her fiancee. Crow: She's got a =fiancee= too? Wow, she really =is= a swinger! >"Q, Doctor Johnson's Office if you will." > > Marrissa appeared next to the Doctor's terminal. She turned it to discover that it was Nine: --the STD test results for the entire crew. She quickly filed it away in her account with the diary records she'd found the week before. >a reminder from Clara to fill out her death certificate. Mike: Oddly, it was dated long before the "mishap" with the Nexus... >As soon as she finished reading it Doctor Jackson Johnson entered his office. "Ah, Doctor, I believe >you won't be needing this reminder," Marrissa said. > "Captain?" was the Doctor's puzzled reply. Tom: No, Tennille. Close, though. > "Let's see, I believe you will want a full exam before you will believe that it is really me," > Marrissa replied. "Fair enough, I'm overdue for a physical anyway." Nine: "A pelvic exam would really hit the spot right about now!" > Recovering from his shock, the Doctor said, "All right, right this way. You certainly sound >like Captain Picard, although the Picard family is known to try avoiding physicals by all the Doctors >in the Federation." Mike: Yet strangely, they welcome physicals by the plumbers! > "I admit, I've just accepted a marriage proposal and Q is on board but, other than that, >why should I sound different?" Marrissa asked. Crow: "The trials and tribulations of you mortals don't affect me in the least!" > "I have no idea," Doctor Johnson said. "Perhaps because you were reported dead." > "I'll have to talk to Captain Riker about that," Marrissa replied. "I really wish he'd be >more careful about calling people dead." Tom: Well, it's too late to change the paperwork. If it's incorrect we'll just have to =make= it accurate... > After finishing her physical, Marrissa, called for Q to transport her to Jeffrey's tube 21 >next to Main Engineering. The nice thing about Jeffrey's tube 21, as Marrissa had discovered when she >took command of the Endeavor was that inside it you could hear all the conversation thoughout Engineering. >Marrissa was about too take advantage of that now. Crow: Jeez! Big Sister is watching you. >"Alexander Rozhenko, I see you finally left the bridge, and Jay, you just got to it," Clara's voice said. >"What did I tell you about running though Engineering?" Mike: "And even worse, you're carrying =scissors=! > "That you would make sure that the Captain would make life miserable for both of us," was Jay's reply. > "And since, Jay is now Acting-Captain, that threat just became empty," Alexander said. Tom: The glee is mutual, buddy. > Perfect, Marrissa thought, I couldn't have a better cue if I scripted it myself. Crow: Considering how you've got the author wrapped around your finger, you sorta =did= script it yourself... >Marrissa got out of the Jeffrey's tube and entered Main Engineering on the Endeavor. >"What's that about an empty threat?" she asked. > "Marrissa! I thought you where dead," Clara said loudly. > "You should have known better," Marrissa replied. Mike [Marrissa]: "Silly! =I= can't die!" > "I'm not about to let you get any closer to the throne. As I promised, your Engineering >career is safe. Alex, you seem speechless." > The Klingon replied, "To tell the truth I'm wonder where you came from." Crow: "Well, my mommy and daddy loved each other very much and then one day--" > "Jeffrey's tube 24," Marrissa replied. Mike: Well, I guess that's more polite than most of the slang I know for that part of the anatomy... > "No ..." > "... Before that," Marrissa completed. > Then Q appeared leaning on the Warp Core and standing on the rail surrounding it. "Your >were right, Captain, this is entertaining," he said. Nine: I take it this Q fellow is the type who gets hours of amusement out of the placemats at Burger King. > "That explains it," Alexander said. "Q isn't going to let anyone harm his favorite source >of entertainment." Tom: Too bad he isn't a MSTie. We could've used him. > "The Picard family has provided me with much amusement in the last couple decades," Q commented. > "It would be a shame to lose any of them. Even though Jean-Luc has been such a bore since he became Mike: "--a Ratliff character." >Fleet Admiral." > "Q, if you don't mind, I'd like you to get off my warp engines," Clara said. "As for >Marrissa here. If you ever make me thing you are dead again ..." > "You know I can't promise you that, Clara," Marrissa said. Nine: And she certainly can't promise Jay that. >"We've got one more stop before I make my 'rumors' announcement. Crow: You should've gone before we left! >Who wants to join my surprise on Ross Lochard?" > "I can't wait to see this," Clara said. > "I agree, Ross has suffered though so much of our teasing it's a wonder he came abroad," Jay added. > "I certainly want to see what you have up your sleeve for Ross," Alexander commented. Nine: "And then afterwards we can all play a big game of MASH!" > "Well then Q, have Captain Riker call for the Commanding Officer of the Endeavor, and make sure >that he asks for it exactly that way," Marrissa ordered. > "I've been meaning to call on Riker for quite some time," Q replied before disappearing. Mike: Well, sure, he's only been waving his hand around for the last half hour. Crow: "Ooh! Ooh! Me, Mistah Kottah, me!" > "Well, Princess and Gentlemen, I think we are about to be needed on the bridge," Marrissa >said. "I wish you hadn't made that announcement, Jay. I'm getting tried of those shocked expressions >on my crew's faces." Tom: She keeps =saying= they're shocked, but in scene after scene when people learn of Marrissa's survival they seem at most mildly nonplussed. > "I didn't know you where alive," Jay replied. "So don't blame me for your ride running late." [Commercials] [Continued in Part 2] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:44 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 2/9 [Continued from Part 1] >Chapter Two Mike: One down, fifteen to g-- oh, God. > Captain William T. Riker was on the Bridge of the USS Enterprise-E when Q arrived. "Ah my dear > Captain Riker, it has been awhile since I've seen you," Q announced. > "Personally Q, I prefer it that way," Riker replied. > "I'm sorry to hear that Captain," Q responded. Crow: Which one? Captain Alanis Morissette? Yeah, I know how you feel. >"I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd visit your ship. I was curious how you >were holding up. I see you've gone though another first officer. Nine: "You know, most captains just use cabin boys." >A pity, Commander LaForge was so amusing. Oh well, I'll just have to dust off my book of Worf jokes." > "If you don't mind, Q," Riker responded. "I'm not in the mood for jokes." Mike [Riker]: "I'm in the mood for love." > "Oh yes, the fleet's finest Captain, present company not excepted, is presumed dead as >a result of the Nexus's destruction by a collision with a star," Q commented. "I can see how >that would depress you." > "Why are you here, Q?" Riker asked. Tom: "Hm? Oh, I'm Ross Perot's running mate." > "Just to get you to contact the Commanding Officer of the Endeavor," Q replied. "That person >asked me to have you do it making sure you don't reference names." Nine: "Here, stand on this big X and close your eyes. Now don't move." > "Q, why would Jay ask me do to that?" Riker asked. > "You are so dense, Riker," Q responded. "If I were to tell you that, I'd ruin the >surprise, and I don't want to do that." > "All right Q, I'll do it," Riker said. Crow [Q]: "And after that, how about a game of 52 Pick-Up?" Tom [Riker]: "Sure!" > "Open a channel to the Endeavor." > "Channel Open," the tactical officer responded. Mike: Hunh. That must be how VH-1 manages to knock Comedy Central off the air. > "On screen," Riker ordered. A view of the bridge of the Endeavor appeared on the view screen. > Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard was sitting in the command chair. Tom: --setting a course for "full recline." > "Lieutenant, I need to speak with you commanding officer." > "All right, I'll send for him," Lochard replied. He tapped his communicator. >"Commander Jay Gordon report to the Bridge. You have an incoming communication." > At that the aft turbolift doors opened. "Wrong Officer, Ross," came Marrissa's >stern tone as she entered her bridge. Nine: "This is my bridge! There are many like it but this one is =mine=!" > "Captain?" was Lieutenant Commander Lochard's response. > "Marrissa?" was Captain William T. Riker's. > "The rumors of my death, were greatly exaggerated," Marrissa responded Tom: --quoting the famous author of A CONNECTICUT YANKEE, IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT and LIFE ON, THE MISSISSIPPI. >as Jay, Clara, and Alexander followed her on to the bridge. > "I can see that, but how?" Riker replied. Crow: "Didn't you read the character profiles? You're not the blind one. =LeVar's= the blind one. You're just the burly one." > "Q didn't want to lose his favorite sparing partner so soon," Jay responded. > "Actually, I found her on Earth around a million years ago," Q said. "Not good place >for a Starship Captain, Tom: --unless he's from Golgafrincham. >much less a Princess." > "I'll certainly agree with that," Marrissa said. "By the way, have any of you contacted, >my father, Starfleet or Essex with news of my 'death'." > "Only place I've noted it is in my log," Riker responded. Crow [Riker]: "Din't think it wuz that important!" > "Same here," Jay chimed in. "With the notable exception of announcing it to the crew." > "Well I'll be contacting all of them anyway," Marrissa said. "Captain Riker, you better correct your log." Nine: Funny, that's what Deanna used to say. > "I'll get right to it," Riker returned. "Incidentally, why are you contacting all of those places." > "I'm marrying Jay here," Marrissa responded. "I have to arrange for a Royal Wedding. >It will probably be in about a month. I'll make sure the Enterprise is ordered to attend." Mike: After all, no one would come of their own free will. > "Congratulations, Marrissa, Jay," Riker said. "But I don't see how you are going to get the >Enterprise to Essex." Crow: This is Marrissa we're talking about! If worse comes to worst she'll just bring the planet over to the ship. > "Simple, as soon as I tell Dad," Marrissa said. "He will want to be there so he will >call for the Enterprise, so he can arrive in the only starship he has been on for any prolonged >length of time in the last dozen years." Mike: Yes, I hear lately he's been much more into his riding mower. > "Actually the only starship willing to beam him out of his office, without alerting his >aids on his order," Riker said. > "So that's how you get him to come aboard your starship, Captain Riker," Marrissa said. Tom [Riker]: "Well, there's also the incentive of my enormous archive of hardcore pornography!" >"Well I have quite a bit of communication to start so I better sign off, Endeavor out." > "Well, I don't think I'll find any more entertainment here for awhile, Crow: *sigh* Neither do we, neither do we... >so I'll be dropping it on Starfleet Headquarters," Q said. "See you soon, Riker." > "I hope not." > > Marrissa returned to her ready room. Looking at the painting over her sofa named >'A Early Mission', she briefly thought of that first mission in the forests of DOAllen. >She remembered how Jay and Alex had piloted that shuttle to such a smooth landing that even Data >was surprised. Mike: And she remembered the ludricrous plotline, the tepid characterization, the abysmal spelling... >Shaking her self out of that reminiscing, she had had enough of that in the last week, she sat down >and opened a channel to Starfleet Headquarters, office of the Commanding Admiral. > Her father's secretary, Lieutenant Sirek, answered, "Office of the Commanding Admiral, >Starfleet, how may I help you." Tom: "If you know the name of the officer you want to see, press 1. If--" > "Is my father in, Sirek?" Marrissa asked. > "He is presently in a meeting with Captain Beverly Picard," Sirek replied. > "You mean he is having breakfast with his wife," Marrissa restated. "Tell him that Crow: "--the FDA has upgraded the recommended weekly allowance of eggs from three to four!" >Marrissa has news he and the Doctor would like to know." > The image paused for a moment, then Lieutenant Sirek said, "Transferring communication now." Nine: Uh-oh. I sense a primal scene coming on. > The image changed to a modest office behind the desk sat Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. Mike: "...sixty frigging years in Starfleet and they don't even give me an office with a frigging window and now they stick my desk right under the air conditioning vent so I have to wear a parka in August and--" > To his right with her arm on one side of the desk sat Captain Beverly Picard, C.O. of the Pasteur. > "Good Morning Marrissa, Sirek said, you had something we'd like to know," Admiral Picard said. Crow [Marrissa]: "I sure do! An' I'm not gonna tell! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!" > "Yes I do, Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. "We will be getting married as soon as I can >arrange it with Essex." > "Congraduations Marrissa," Doctor Picard said. Tom: Huh? I thought she graduated a long time ago! > "So how did you get him to propose. And I want details." > "Beverly," Admiral Picard admonished. > "Jean-Luc Picard, can't a girl have any fun," the Doctor returned. Nine: Yes, but Marrissa's drafting legislation against it. > "Okay I'll give you some of the details," Marrissa said, before her adopted father could >begin his let them live their own lives speech. > "On the last mission, I got caught in the nexus. Just before it was destroyed, it released >me on to Earth as it was millions of years ago. Then Q stopped by and offered a ride. Since Jay >thought I was dead, he was acting as Captain and I surprised him. He had apparently been thinking > about lost opportunities so he proposed to me. Not wanting him to get away, I accepted." Tom: Ratliff's writing Cliffs Notes for his own stories now! > "How long have you been pursuing Jay," Beverly Picard asked. > "About six to seven years," Marrissa replied. > "Let me get this straight, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "You've been after Jay Gordon >to marry you since you were fifteen." > "Something wrong with that Dad," Marrissa replied. Mike: You mean aside from the fact that a fifteen-year-old has about as much ability to make major life decisions as a chimpanzee has of running an air traffic control tower? > "I better put a reminder in my logs for next year to start looking closely at Jackie's >dates," her father replied. "Although I approve of your choice I'm not yet sure about Jackie's judgment." > "She's only eleven years old, Jean-Luc," Beverly said. "Give her time." Nine: Yeah, she won't be ready to get hitched till she's at least eleven and a half. > "What did she do now?" Marrissa asked. > "She took a shuttlecraft on a trip to Neptune," Jean-Luc said. Crow: Cool! Did she see Michael Jackson's summer estate? > "Without permission." > "Let me guess, she wanted to see the site of one of my battles," Marrissa said. Mike: Well, of course. Everyone's life revolves around Marrissa and the glorious path she's cut through life. People line up to pay homage to restrooms Marrissa has visited. > "My offer to give you a vacation from her antics, still stands." "Jean-Luc that might be just want Jackie needs," Beverly said. Nine [Jean-Luc]: "No, whut that girl needs is a good whuppin'! That's th' way mah pappy raised me an' Ah turned out just fine, thank yuh very much!" >"You have to admit that she couldn't have pulled that shuttle stunt on a starship." > "I may take you up on that offer after your wedding," Jean-Luc Picard said. >"After all, she can't cause anymore trouble on a starship." Crow: That's what your wife just said! What, are you Ronald Reagan all of a sudden? > Suddenly an line of text appeared on the screen. It read, "I wouldn't be so sure. >Congraduations Marrissa. Love, Jackie." Tom: I see Beverly's been in charge of Jackie's spelling lessons. > "Admiral Picard to Lieutenant Sirek, she's done it again," her father said. >He shook his head. "I don't know what to do with her. At least little Nickolas isn't as rambunctious." Nine: Of course not. They've got him downing his body weight in Ritalin every day. > "I still think Nickolas needs to be a little more out going," Beverly said. >"I use to think Wesley was shy when he was little but it's nothing when compared to Nickolas." Mike: "Why, just last week I found him hiding in the silverware drawer!" > "Sounds like both of you need a vacation away from your children," Marrissa stated. >"Well you know were the Endeavor is if you need a baby-sitter. Tom [Marrissa]: "Just... don't tell Kelsey Grammer, okay?" Crow: Ouch! >I'll transmit the date of the wedding when I get though talking to Essex. Endeavor out." > > Next Marrissa opened a ship-wide broadcast. "Captain Marrissa Picard to all personnel. >Rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. Nine: "I mean, I was dead for three days, but now I am risen. You may touch of my hand if you wish." >There will be a ship-wide battle drill at 0900 hours tomorrow. All members of the Royal Family of >Essex, please report to my Ready Room. Tom [tinny]: "All members of our Business Advantage Club (tm) may of course board at their leisure." >Captain Picard out." > Clara quickly arrived from the bridge, followed by Counselor Martin Sussex. Mike: Ah, yes, the ol' two-person conga line. >"Nice announcement Marrissa," Martin said. "Tell me have you been reading about Mark Twain lately?" > "I haven't read Clemens in over five years," Marrissa replied, with a smile. > "Marrissa, you never change," Martin replied. Tom: Yup, always desperately flailing at any opportunity to show off and reinforce the superiority complex around which her entire psyche is based... > "That depends on what you call change," Marrissa said. "Clara knows all ready but I thought > you might want to know before the rest of the ship as well. Crow: "You mean that you're getting married? Yeah, saw that written above the third urinal over at the Deck Eight men's room!" >I'm marrying Jay, as soon as I can arrange the wedding with Essex." > "Not surprising, I've been expecting it since I signed on board," Lieutenant Sussex replied. > "Then how come it took me so long to get Jay to propose to me," Marrissa asked. Mike: Maybe because for all the years you've known him, it's only been in the last couple of months that's he's started shaving? > "I thought it would happen at one of three possible times," > Martin said. "One, when you were injured during an away mission. Tom: The injury motif in K/S fiction! Joe Sartelle and Kathy Moran wrote about that. >Two, when Jay suffered the same fate. Mike: "--after you beat the crap out of him." >Or Three, when both of you retired." Tom: Which in Ratliff's world happens around age 19. > "If you weren't Ship's Counselor, Martin," Marrissa said. Nine: "Normally I'd just have you 'disappeared' and be done with it. But you hold a high-profile position. A position of trust. I'll have to send you to the camp to be 're-educated.'" > "I know, I'd be in big trouble," Martin replied. "There are quite a bit of benefits >to this position. Mike: Too bad diction lesson aren't among them. >Thanks for pointing me down the road." > "Sometimes I think I worked too hard to get the crew I wanted," Marrissa said. "Tell >me Martin, how is Clara going to succeed with Alex?" Crow: "Umm... 'Answer hazy -- ask again.' Damn!" > "Oh, she'll either be in Sickbay or Alexander will propose by the end of the day," Martin said. > "And what makes you think that?" Clara asked. Tom: "Well, he's thinking of marrying her, but she just ate a bunch of British beef for breakfast." > "All that time you've been spending reprogramming Alexander's consoles in his quarters > to show only love poetry," Martin replied. > "Clarrissa Ann Sutter," Marrissa began. "I didn't think you had enough guile to do something like that. Nine: "It's a shame, really. Now I'll have to have you rubbed out before you can pose a threat to my absolute rule." >If Alexander complains, you do realize that I will have to reprimand you? Crow [Jay]: "Oh! Oh! Reprimand me first, Marrissa!" Tom: "Then me!" Mike: "And then me!" Crow: "Yes! We must all have a good reprimand! And then--" >Of coarse, if I don't hear from him, I didn't hear it here." > "Sure Marrissa, but I don't have the same option you had to get my boyfriend to propose," Clara said. Nine: Yeah, you don't have the author setting up impossible plot contrivances for you. A shame, really. > "I think I will be delaying my talk with Victoria," Marrissa reasoned. "I have a feeling >that this is going to end up as a double wedding." Tom: I know Ratliff's into his twenties by now, but don't you get the sense that he just now realized that girls are kind of soft and pretty and stuff? >Chapter Three > > Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko had just gotten off bridge duty and was on his way to his >quarters. "Computer are their any ship-board messages?" he asked entering his quarters. > "One from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer replied. > "Play." Crow [computer]: "Okay! Whee! Ha ha! It's fun!" > "Alex, when you get tired of the poetry contact me, Clara." the recorded message said. Mike: As opposed to "me, Al Franken"? > "I wonder what she means by that?" Alex wondered aloud. "Computer display duty >schedule for my department for the next month." Instead of the schedule however a piece of >Klingon love poetry was displayed. Tom: "Shall I compare thee to a bloodied truncheon?" > "Computer identify poem," Alexander asked. > "I Lust for Thee by Kor," the Computer replied. Crow: Isn't that the new MTV Buzz Clip? > "Explain why this terminal is not displaying the duty schedule," Alexander asked. Mike: Oh, those computers haven't been right since they tried to install Windows 95. > "The terminal currently displaying the duty schedule for your department per your instructions." > Alexander then went over to the replicator and ordered "Klingon warnog, hot." Nine: I thought the whole point of this scene was that =Clara= wanted a little hot Klingon warnog. >The mug which materialized had yet another poem on it's side. > "Computer access private ambassadorial message channel and play all messages," Mike: I'll never understand modern poetry. > Alexander said relaxing on his sofa. If Clara was going to give him a selection of >poems which she liked Alex was willing to use them later. Crow: He'd tried writing his own, but the "There once was a Ferengi from Nantucket" series hadn't gone over that well. Mike: On the other hand, it was way better than Drake Raft's stuff. >He had already come to the conclusion that she was after him to marry her about two years earlier. Tom: Oh, you mean back when they were fetuses. > "First Message from Commander Worf, First Officer USS Enterprise," the Computer said. >Then the message began "Hello Alexander, sorry that I missed your off duty time, or are you doing >another of those I'll spend two days on the bridge to prove I'm Klingon again. Mike: Yeah, Ratliff has Worf's speech patterns just about dead-on. >You really should stop, humans prefer not to smell Klingon body odor. Nine: Hey, Ratliff just may have a future writing gags for Jim Carrey movies! >I just called to remind you that your Uncle Kern's birthday is next month and he has gotten use >to the human custom of Tom: "--having you pull his finger, so please just humor him." >birthday presents so you better send him one. Worf out." > "Second Message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter, Chief Engineer USS Endeavor," the >Computer announced. Then Clara's message began, > "Aren't you glad I didn't chose the Klingon way? Batting away all that stuff can cause >one to visit Sickbay." Nine: Is that some obscure Trek reference or is Ratliff just being incoherent again? Mike: Probably a little of both. > "Computer send the following poem to Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter, priority one," Alexander said. > "To the Virgins, To Make Much of Time by Robert Herrick. Crow: Ah, yes, from the author of "Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breast". Mike: Crow... Crow: It's true! Look it up! >Tag message as anonymous." > "New message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer announced. "It reads >'I assume this is a proposal, Clara.'" Mike: Why would she propose to herself? Tom: I've heard of people talking to themselves before, but sending yourself e-mail? Mike: I don't know. That "No letters waiting." message can be awfully depressing. > "Send back, what else could it be," Alexander said. Moments later his door opened. > "So much for locked doors." > "If you had a locking mechanism which wouldn't yeild to a phaser," Clara said. >"It seems no one has made one. Nine [Clara]: "That's how I broke into David Letterman's house!" >I'll have to rectify that, my love." Mike: Hey, let's not get too expicit here. > "Clara, I think were are going to have quite a time tonight," Alexander said, drawing her close. Crow: "Yeah! Conan O'Brien has Tony Randall on tonight!" > "You don't know the half of it," Clara responded, ending the sentence with a kiss. > Not just any kiss however, this one was a long passionate one. Tom: Yecch! It's like the opening scene from KIDS! > "I wonder what Essex thinks about you marrying a Klingon," Alex said when the kiss was over. > "Some of them probably are thanking the Lord that Marrissa is first in line," Clara said. Nine: Yes, much better a power-mad, ego-tripping tyrant than someone who'd dare marry outside her race. >"As for what I think of their opinion. Well I don't care about them. My interests right now >are in order, you, that bed of yours and weather I'll be late arriving at Engineering, tomorrow." > "The answer to that last question is yes," Alexander responded. Mike: I feel like I'm watching an East German stag flick. > Meanwhile Marrissa had received a message from Clara as per arrangement, >"The Klingon has been caught." So she was readying herself to call Queen Victoria of Essex. Nine: "Okay, deep breaths... I'm in my happy place..." >"Computer, open a channel to the Planet Essex and her majesty Queen Victoria. Indicate that >her heir wishes to discuss a matter of personal importance." Crow: "Yeah! All this spray you're pumping into me's depleting the ozone layer! Have you considered styling gel?" Tom: Her =heir=, Crow. =Heir=. Crow: Oh. Never mind. > Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in Marrissa's quarters. >"Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked. Mike: "I thought I told you never to call me here! Don't you know where I am?" > "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But I had to inform you of some good news." > "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked. > "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa replied. Tom: Imagine what kind of table manners she'd have if she =hadn't= spent fifteen years in finishing school! > The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good news." > "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. > "That is good news, Crow [droning]: "It is good that Marrissa made that happen. What a good girl Marrissa is." >now if I could only get William to do so," Victoria mused. > "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted Alexander's proposal." > "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had William push though Parliament," the Queen said. Mike: So =she's= the one that tried to get the assault weapons ban repealed! >"So Clara could marry a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be typical royals." Nine: You mean they won't be inbred hemophiliacs who boff soccer teams and compare themselves to tampons? > "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa questioned. > "It's been awhile," the Queen replied. Mike: "Let's see, we haven't married outside the family in... five generations? six? Yeah, once those toothless albinos started showing up things got distinctly wacky." >"Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a starship Captain. Prince >Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on >a Starship. Earl Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar. I can't >find any normal royalty in my family." Tom: I'd say the boozehound mother sounds like typical royalty to me. > "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a normal royal family," Marrissa >replied. "When can we arrange for a double wedding on Essex." > "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three weeks so lets make it a month to >provide a margin of error," Mike: The margins are about the only things in this story that =don't= have errors. >Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime Minister Crow: Yeah! >into action?" Crow: Oh. > "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time and date to my father so he can > arrange his escape, use code Mozart Symphony number 23." Mike: "You have to hum it. Don't forget those obbligati!" > "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids," Victoria said. > "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said. > "Congraduations Marrissa, Tom [Marrissa]: "For the last time -- I graduated years ago! Here's my class ring! Here's my yearbook! What more do you want?" >and tell Clara the same," Victoria said. "Well I better get back to dinner. Essex out." > [Commercials] [Continued in Part 3] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:51:13 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 3/9 [Continued from Part 2] >Chapter Four > >Captain's Log >STARDATE 60050 >Captain Marrissa Picard recording > Between now and my and most of my Tom: Special guest appearance by e.e. cummings! >command crew's wedding, Admiral Okie has asked the Endeavor to mediate what he refers to as a minor >dispute in the Naklab system. Hopefully this time it really is a minor dispute. >Last time I was there I had quite a challenge, especially considering that it was my first attempt at diplomacy. Crow: "I remember it as if it were only yesterday..." Mike: NO! No clip shows! > I intend to successfully finish these mediations before STARDATE 60081 which is the date, >Essex has chosen for the first Royal Double Wedding in recorded history. (or so the press is billing it) Tom: Actually, the New York Post is billing it as "DRAGON GIRL'S LOVE NEST". >Admiral Okie has promised me that if it gets close to my wedding day and it still isn't resolved, >he personally will finish the mediation. Nine: Ah'm bettin' it involves plenny'a moonshine an' squaw lovin'. Crow: Yee-haw! > Jay Gordon stood in front of the console as Lieutenant Shayna Sachs beamed the Troac >Ambassador aboard. Sel Rahc Ekael and a couple aids beamed aboard. "Permission to come aboard," Ekael asked in his >boisterous voice. > "Granted Sel Rahc," Jay replied. "You've changed in the last ten years." Mike: "Your skin is lighter! And you've had your nose done... and your chin... and your hair's all long and straight now... and you're wearing a lot more makeup... and your aides! Why, it's Emmanuel Lewis and Macaulay Culkin!" > Ekael patted his stomach, and responded, "I haven't had many troubles to drown with food." > Then taking a second glance at Jay he said. "Do I know you?" Crow: "You talkin' to me?" > "When you came aboard the Enterprise a decade ago," Jay responded. "I welcomed you aboard. > I was a lot shorter then. As I recall I came up to here." He held his hand up to chest level. Nine: "Back then I was this many, but now I'm this many!" Tom: That might work better if you had fingers. Nine: Like you should talk. > "Ah, now I remember, I take it your Captain is busy elsewhere," Ekael inquired. > "We've got guaranteed leave next month, and she has to fill out the paper work," Jay replied. > "I'd help but she didn't want any distractions." Mike: Read: she didn't want to get caught printing up fake receipts. > An hour later Sel Rahc Selaw was met by Commander Gordon, Tom: Oh, yeah, I remember Sel Rahc Selaw. He's the one with the yllaer gib srae. >"Welcome aboard, Sel Rahc Selaw. Thank you for leaving your weapons at home this time." > "What weapons?," the graying Bres Ambassador asked. "Why would I have weapons? Wait a minute, > you are familiar some how. Do I know you?" Mike: "Wait, I know! Didn't you use to be on that 'Saved By the Bell' show?" > "I greeted you when you came aboard the Enterprise-D," Jay replied. > "That's it, Kay Gordon," Selaw droned. > "Actually it's Jay Gordon, Commander Jay Gordon," he corrected. > "I knew it was some letter of the alphabet," Selaw said. Crow: No, no, you're thinking of A Martinez. > "I see your Captain isn't here to greet me. She afraid I'm going to break her collar-bone again?" All: Don't we wish! > "Actually I think she should be picking out a wedding dress with Clara about now," Jay said. > "She's getting married, huh," Selaw said. "Whose the lucky gentleman?" Crow: Well, hers, eventually. > "I am," Jay replied. > Next Sel Rahc Akros beamed aboard. "Welcome abroad, Sel Rahc Akros," Jay said. Tom: "Yes, welcome abroad! Isn't the South of France lovely this time of year?" >"From the view from orbit, I see Sobnia has recovered quite well from it's problems." Mike: "I hear it's even considering changing its name to Smile-nia!" Bots: *groan* > "Indeed it has, Commander?" Akros replied. > "Jay Gordon, First Officer," Jay said. "If you will follow me, I'll take you to your Quarters." Tom: "The slot machines are in the lobby and next to the icemaker!" > "So, Jay has Captain Marrissa Picard grown up as well as you?" the Sobnian Ambassador asked. Crow [Jay]: "You betcha! Up and =out=!" > "You'll have to be the judge of that as my opinion on that matter is defiantly biased," Jay said. > "Let's just say that her royal highness is quite a woman." Tom: "--and a whole =lot= of woman!" > "Royal highness?" Akros asked. > "You didn't know Marrissa was a Princess?" Jay said, astonished. "I thought the Press >would have spread that news Federation wide and beyond by now." Mike [Akros]: "Well, sure, I've heard people call Marrissa a princess before, but I just assumed they meant, you know--" > The fourth and final Ambassador beamed aboard. New to Jay and Marrissa, Sel Rahc Crevel >was a young fellow, about twenty, the same age as Jay. As he materialized he began, >"Where is that excuse for a mediator, Captain Pi-CARD." Crow: Y'know, seven pi cards'll get you busted at blackjack! Others: *groan* > "Princess Marrissa Picard, Captain of this vessel is presently practicing her piano for >tonight's consort," Jay said. Crow: Uh, shouldn't Jay be tonight's consort? Mike: Just because she's engaged doesn't stop Marrissa from playing the field. >"I'm Commander Jay Gordon, first officer." > "Your Captain couldn't spare the time away from her practicing to greet me," Crevel said. > "How insulting, I'm considering Tom: --declaring war? Crow: --turning the Endeavor into a twisted scrap heap? Nine: I'm particularly looking forward to seeing the guards kick Marrissa's head around like a hacky sack. >withdrawing until a more courteous mediator can me found." > "Actually she is quite courteous, and well aware of the need to seem fair to all," Jay replied. >"Starfleet business kept her from welcoming the others so she declined welcoming you to conform to that >equality. Mike: There's plenty of rudeness to go around for everybody! > She will greet you all at the mediation table tomorrow." > "What about tonight's consort?" Sel Rahc Crevel said. Tom [Jay]: "Dunno. She's trying to choose between Stump Hugelarge and Cliff Beefpile." > "She will merely perform there," Jay said. "The Captain will not be discussing anything >with you above compliments on her performance tonight. Crow: "An' there'll be plenty of 'em if y'know what's good for ya!" >Now if you will follow me, I will show you to your quarters." > > Marrissa enjoyed playing the piano. She regretted that early in her career she had neglected >the instrument in favor of other activities, Nine: Pillaging, plundering, leaving a trail of charred planets and homeless orphans in her wake... >but since she had become Second Officer on the Stargazer she had returned to it with a passion. >In the last eight years she had become quite an accomplished pianist. In fact she was now giving > lessons to some of her officers on board the Endeavor. Crow: Mandatory, no doubt. > The consort she was holding tonight was a challenging one. Mike: But I'm betting Marrissa can break 'im. >She was playing not only pieces from Chopin, but the ever challenging Mozart as well. Tom: Any question Ratliff just picked these names out of an encyclopedia? >Over the years Marrissa had found such consorts a welcome release from work. Nine: Well, hey, who doesn't enjoy a good harem? >It was amazing how much tension could drain away while she played the piano. Crow: --displaced onto the listeners. > Apparently it worked for her listeners as well as while she played an easier piece she >noticed that the Nevolsian Sel Rahc who had been noticeably tense when she came in was now smiling. >In fact it looked like he was tapping his foot to the beat of the sprightly piece. Mike: Of course, in his culture that means "Oh, God, please kill me." Tom: On that note, let's get out of here. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out by the desk. Nine is there but her monitor is turned away from Cambot so we can't see her/Marrissa's face.] Crow: Apply Filter: Soften More! Nine: Hey, don't airbrush my face. That's rude. Tom: Yeah, and you'll get Michael Stipe pissed at you. Crow: Fine. Then Solarize! Level 172! And Gamma Correct to about a 2.2! [Enter Mike.] Mike: Hey, what's going on here? Tom: Well, we just figured that Nine's a program, right? She has no corporeal form. Her "face" is just a bitmap of Marrissa that Dr. Forrester downloaded from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.ratliff. So we're running it through Paint Shop Pro! Nine: Actually, there's nothing that says I =have= to look like Marrissa at all. I can look like anyone you want. Mike: Really?? Can you look like Dawn Wells?? [awkward pause] Mike: I take it I was a little too quick on the draw with that one...? Crow: Oh, just a wee bit. [Lights flash] All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] >Chapter Five > > Marrissa entered the room she had set up for the mediation. Inside was a pentagon shaped >table with the four Sel Rahc's all ready seated around it. The three she had met before were seated comfortably >around the table, smiling. Nine [Marrissa]: "Hello, gentlemen! Did you enjoy your complimentary lobotomy this morning? That's good!" >Sel Rahc Crevel however was glaring at his fellow Sel Rahc's. "Good mourning, everyone, Crow [screeching]: "--and welcome to Tales From the Crypt! I have a =bone= to pick with you!" >sorry I'm late again," Marrissa said. "Some annoying bureaucrat on Deep Space Thirteen delayed me." All: *loud laughter* Crow: Hey, maybe it was Frank! > "Would that be Lieutenant Rehtob?" Sel Rahc Ekael asked. > "That's the guy," Marrissa said. "I'm afraid the poor soul picked the wrong Captain to annoy." Nine: "Care to see his pancreas? I've got it right here in my purse." > "You mean some one finally is doing something about that annoyance?" Sel Rahc Selaw said. >"I think he was the one who started this mess. If he hadn't inquired as to tax rates for goods >among our planets we wouldn't be here. Mike: He's the Naklab answer to Steve Forbes! >I'd be home on Bres enjoying my grandchildren." Nine: Didn't Humbert Humbert say something about wanting to enjoy his grandchildren? > "Yes, I've arranged for his transfer," Marrissa replied. "He will be spending at least >the next six months as second officer on the supply ship Harriman. It's current assignment, supply all the colonies >in the DMZ with their allotment of fertilizer. Tom: "The mission is under the command of Captain Hal Warren." >Their are advantages to having you dad as Commanding Admiral Starfleet." Crow: What about yo' mama? > "Well that's one less problem in the system," Sel Rahc Akros responded. Tom: Yes, but there's still violence inherent in it. > "Yes, but you still have the tax rate problem," Marrissa said. "I want to here how you >each think you can solve it. The order of the day is alphabetical by planet name. Mike: "Damn! I'm from Zzzzzzzzzyzzzzzyxon!" Crow: Just out of curiosity... how exactly are we supposed to deal with those few planets that didn't happen to independently arrive at the Roman alphabet? > Sel Rahc Selaw of Bres?" > "I propose we make an equal systemwide tax," Selaw said. > "That's ridicules," Sel Rahc Crevel interrupted. "Only a Bres slime would make such a suggestion." Nine: I'm glad to see the level of rhetoric here is substantially above what you see on C-Span. > "Sel Rahc Crevel, I suggest you keep your opinions of your fellow Sel Rahcs to yourself," >Marrissa commented. "It makes for a much nicer negotiation. Now what do you suggest?" > "I suggest we just forget about the whole thing," Crevel replied Crow: The scene? I argee wholeheartedly! > "Interesting approach, Sel Rahc Akros?" Marrissa asked. > "I suggest we eliminate all in system taxes," Akros replied. > "Sel Rahc Ekael, and try to keep the volume down this time," Marrissa inquired. Tom: Won't that raise the pressure? > "I suggest we eliminate taxes on critical in system trade such as metals and food stuffs, >but keep luxury items taxed at what ever rate each planet deems acceptable," Ekael said. > "Does anyone have a comment on these suggestions?" Marrissa asked. Mike: Yup! They're boring as hell. > "I find my fellow Sel Rahcs suggestions despicable, and demeaning," Crevel began. >"It shows that they have become decadent and foolish ..." Crow: Whoa! It's the return of J. Neil Schulman. Tom: You're just afraid of the light he's shedding on your own moral corruption. > "Meaningful comment," Marrissa interrupted. "Sel Rahc Crevel, if you continue >making such insults at your fellow Sel Rahcs I will see that you are replaced." Mike: Any chance we can get the author replaced? > "You a measly Starfleet Captain?" Crevel replied. > "Crevel, I've heard quite a bit about you," Marrissa began. >"After this negotiation you are suppose to replace Sel Rahc Enamuh as Nevolsian Ambassador to Essex. Crow: Funny, I would've replaced him with Etib Em Ffiltar. >Now what would happen if the heir to Essex objected to your appointment on the basis of personal experience?" > "I'd probably lose my job," Sel Rahc Crevel responded, Tom: "--and that's why I'm voting for Pat Buchanan!" >"but since I don't know that heir, I'm not exactly worried" > "You do now," Marrissa replied. "You see I'm the heir, Princess Marrissa, Princess of >Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy. So shape up, or you won't be shipping out to Essex." > Sel Rahc Crevel was quite shocked by that comment. Mike: Me too! It was almost sort of-- clever! >He slumped in his chair. Sel Rahc Ekael took the pause to make a suggestion, "May I suggest >we ajourn for lunch, Captain? My stomach is rumbling." Crow: "Oh! And can I sharpen my pencil?" > "Your stomach is always rumbling," Sel Rahc Selaw entoned. > "True, but your thin body needs more food as well," Sel Rahc Ekael returned, light-heartedly Mike: I can't get enough of Sel Rahc Ekael's agile repartee. > "Excellent suggestion, Ekael," Marrissa said. "We will reconvene at 1400 hours, after >we have had time to digest everything." Crow: Yeah, the cooking on the Endeavor usually takes about 1400 hours to digest. > Marrissa liked to eat lunch in the Endeavor's version of Ten-Forward, the Endeavor >Tavern, with it's hostess, Mary, a daughter of the legendary Guinan. Well perhaps not >legendary, but at least well known. Tom: It's Stephen Ratliff, backpedalling furiously! >On the floor plans, the Tavern was about the same as Ten-Forward on the Enterprise, Mike: Of course! What did you expect, originality? From =Ratliff=? >that however was were the similarity ended. The Endeavor Tavern was a bar. The tables >were actual wood with wooden chairs. Tom: Wow! Hey, Mike, maybe he =does= have some originality after all! >The bar itself was right out of an old television series known as Cheers. Tom: Or not. >There was no doubt about it, Mary's Endeavor Tavern was not like other bars on Starfleet vessels, >but Marrissa didn't like her ship to be just like other ships. Crow: Watch as the idea of not being the constant center of attention fills Marrissa with inexpressible panic! >If Marrissa had her way the Endeavor wouldn't even look like other ships. Mike: She's still stuck on the idea of painting a huge Confederate flag on the dish. > As Captain Marrissa Picard walked up to the bar, Mary said. "What would you like >for lunch today, Captain?" Tom [Marrissa]: "Umm... a cow, please. Medium rare." > "I'm in the mood for Italian today, Mary," Marrissa said. > "I have some fresh pizza, just out of the oven," Mary replied. "Ham and Pepperoni." Crow [Marrissa, harsh]: "NO! Potatoes are what I eat!" > "I'll take three slices of it Nine: "Extra grease please. And a side of back-bacon." >and a tall glass of strawberry soda," Marrissa said. Tom: Ah, yes, the strawberry fetish. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson after guzzling that bottle of shampoo... >"And some bread sticks if you have any fresh baked." > "I just happen to," Mary said. Nine: Quelle coincidence! Crow: Hardly. You don't survive as the cook on Marrissa's ship for very long unless you learn to have wheelbarrows full of all her favorite foods ready to serve at a moment's notice twenty-four hours a day. > "I assume you will be at your usual booth?" > "Yes, Jay will be joining me," Marrissa said. > "Jay?" Mary said. "I haven't heard you call Commander Gordon that since we were on the Stargazer." Mike: "Ever since then it's been Pookie this and Pookie that!" > "How else should I address my fiancee?" Marrissa asked. At Mary's puzzled face, Marrissa continued. > "I can't believe it, some item of ship's gossip passed you by." Nine: "You really didn't know Jay was a woman?" > "Hardly," Mary replied. "It's been such a common rumor that I tend to ignore ever time I >hear that you two are getting married. Now Clara and Alexander, thats a different story." > "Anything else interesting in the gossip today?" Marrissa asked. Mike [falsetto]: "Well, Liz Smith says that Brooke and Andre are on the outs, and--" > "There is a rumor that Ross Lochard is considering a transfer to the Enterprise," Mary said. > "His wife is apparently upset about the prospect of leaving the Endeavor. The rumor mill is also >looking for who will replace him as Chief of Security. The general opinion is that you will have >to bring someone in from outside." Nine: "I hear they're having an auction just outside of Arcturus! Plenty of young bucks for six hundred apiece, wenches for three hundred! Great for breeding, too!" > "Great, I really should stop other Captains from raiding my crew," Marrissa said. >"They just don't seem to want to train their own. I'm certainly not going to be able to stop >Captain Riker from taking Ross if he wants to go, Crow: What? "Not going to be able to" do something? All right, what have you done with the real Marrissa? >but their won't be any more for quite some time. Computer, until further notice, all personnel >records are classified level thirteen for access off the Endeavor, authorization Picard Mozart >One Seven Victoria One." Tom: Oh, yeah, no one would =ever= think of that! Why don't you just throw in your birthday to make it extra complicated? > "Authorization confirmed, outside access to personnel records classified to level thirteen," >the Computer replied. > "Lets see them pull another officer off this ship," Marrissa said. Crow: Two seconds later, a couple of eleven-year-olds in a middle-school FORTRAN class hacked into her system and transferred Alexander over to teach PE. >"I didn't train my crew for everyone to transfer off the ship, ninety percent of my crew are Ensigns >as it is. Now what else is in the rumor mill?" Mike: "Oh, someone's hand got caught in there. Don't worry about it, happens all the time." > In the Lochard Family quarters, Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard had just left for duty, Tom: Well, actually it was to "make duty". >thinking that his wife had agreed to transferring to the Enterprise. However, Lieutenant Katherine >Isadora Szustakowski Lochard Mike: Shouldn't there be a couple of Burtons and a Fortensky in there? >was going to do no such thing. She was tired of transferring from ship to ship to further her husband's career. Crow: Typical! I suppose next she'll be whining about his boozing and womanizing. Dames. > She'd been glad to transfer to the Endeavor, back under the command of her long time friend, Marrissa Picard. Tom: There's a certain security that only a maniacal dictator can bring. >However, she was not ready to begin ship hopping again. Nine: Bed-hopping, on the other hand... >She and Ross had been married for 8 years, Mike: --but then she realized she was a lesbian and he started dating this Asian girl he met at a dig in China but then Rachel showed up at the airport and-- >and during that time they had served on as many ships, the Stargazer, the Clinton, the Hornet, the Monitor, Crow: --the Titanic, the Achille Lauro, the Exxon Valdez... >the list went on and on. Well Kathy wasn't going to go back to the Enterprise, oh she'd transfer, Tom: Oh yes? Mike: Oh, my. Crow: Oh, please! >but not to the Enterprise. Nine: "There's no way I'm getting near that creepy Riker and his wandering hands!" > Kathy Lochard called up the positions available listings for Fighter Commanders or Chief >Helm Officers, muttering, "The nerve, to use the afterglow of sex to *soften the blow*." Mike: *blinking* Excuse me? Did Ratliff just use the phrase "afterglow of sex"? >A position caught her eye: > Fighter Commander and Second Officer USS Stargazer > NCC-2893. Fighter piloting experience a must. Command > experience wanted. Fighter wing commanding a defiant > plus. Will promote to Lieutenant Commander. Crow: "Must enjoy long walks on the beach, dinner by candlelight, pina coladas, getting caught in the rain. No smokers please." > Contact Captain T'Gwen Washington, USS Stargazer NCC-2893, > Cardassain-Federation Demilitarized Zone. > > A perfect position she thought. The Stargazer will probably convey the Cardassian delegation >to the Captain's wedding so Ross won't figure out that my transfer is different until the last possible minute. >Plus, as Fighter Commander, I get a promotion I've been a full Lieutenant too long. Crow: Jeez, talk about ambition. Mike: Are you kidding? If Marrissa were in her place she'd just throw her husband into the nearest combine harvester. >Ross will regret his underhandedness in this manner. If he had asked me when he first found out >about the possibility, I probably would have gone with him. Thank God we don't have kids. Nine: Now if only Mr. and Mrs. Ratliff hadn't had any. [Commercials] >Chapter Six > > It was the twelfth day of the mediation over the tax problem in the Naklab system. Tom [singing]: o/~ On the twelfth day of the mediation Marrissa gave to meeeee... o/~ >Once again, the Sel Rahcs has broken out in an argument and Captain Marrissa Picard was loosing her patience. Mike: After that gargantuan lunch you think she'd be "loosing" her belt. >The argument increased in volume and Marrissa decided it was time to put here foot down. "QUIET!" she yelled. > The Sel Rahcs shut up. "That's better," Marrissa said. "Now, I would have preferred to >have conducted this in much nicer terms, but you have broken the last straw. Crow: Huh? That's not how it goes! Tom: Well, you know what they say, the greasy wheel fixes the sow's purse... >If you do not come to agreement in the next 24 hour, during which time you will be confined to >this room, I will leave you to fight among yourselves. Mike: Uh, isn't that what they've been doing for the past ten years? What kind of negotiation strategy is that? >Admiral Okie can then do as he sees fit to you, and I don't think leaving you alone is on his list. >If you can come up with a solution, I'll let you out, we will have lunch Nine: "I'll scarf down another thirty pounds of pork and strawberries..." >and sign the treaty. If not, well I depart for Essex in 48 hours and you better hope I >remember to let you out before I leave. Mike: Yeah, this is someone you want caring for a small child. When Bev and Jean-Luc get back from their vacation their kids'll be wetting the bed and throwing feces at people. >The security officer will know how to reach me." > Marrissa left the stunned Sel Rahc behind. Sel Rahc Ekeal attempted to follow. He ran into the door. Crow: Nyuk nyuk nyuk! >Outside the room, Marrissa turned to the security guard and told him, "Patterson, don't let >them out, and if they agree on a solution, call me." The new ensign, fresh out of the Academy, >but well known to Marrissa, Tom: What does that mean? Nine: Guess Marrissa likes to "break in" the new boys. >nodded affirmative. > Marrissa entered the bridge. Jay was in the center seat, he got up. "Anything new, Jay?" she asked. Mike [rhapsodic]: "No. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, 'See, this is new'? It has already been, in the ages before us." Crow: Umm... okay. > "Ross turned in his request for transfer," Jay said. "Captain Riker wants him on the Enterprise." > "I knew this was coming," Marrissa responded. "I hate to lose him, Tom: "--but if I don't have his undying and undivided loyalty, he'll have to be... purged." >but I don't intend to stand in his way. Replacing him will be hard though." > "It gets worse," Jay added. "The transfer is effective before we get married." > "Great, now who am I going to leave in command?" Marrissa asked. Nine: I don't suppose there's any chance you could let go of your archaic, militaristic social structure for a few hours and have the crew elect the people they want to lead them...? no? >"Most of my officers are ensigns, good ones but ensigns none the less." > "There is Clara's number two," Jay suggested, Mike: Let's not get scatological. >jokingly > "Shayna, Jay you may have found just the officer to fill all of our needs," Marrissa laughed. Crow: "She slices, she dices, she whips and purees -- why didn't I think of her sooner?" >"Have Lieutenant Sachs report to my ready room, tomorrow morning." > "Aye, Aye, Captain," Jay said. Marrissa gave him a look of distaste at the title. >"I know, no ranks between us, but it takes some getting use to. What happened to the Naklab Mediation? Nine [Marrissa]: "Naklab-- oh, that's right, the subplot!" Tom: You call that a subplot? That's like calling a telephone directory an epic poem. >It's a little early for you to be done for the day Crow [Marrissa]: "Yeah? Well it's a little early for a double martini too but I've never let that stop me!" >and by your looks I know you haven't concluded an agreement." > "I locked them in until they come to their senses," Marrissa said. "Patterson should be >calling me in about an hour and a half to tell me that they have an agreement." Mike: If only all diplomatic disputes could be solved by calling a "time-out." > "Marrissa!" Jay exclaimed. "Were did you get such a idea? It sounds like you are treating them like children." > "I told them I'd treat them like they acted," Marrissa said. Crow: Does that mean you'd treat Steven Seagal like a slab of firewood? >"I'm a person of my word." Mike: "--and that word is 'upholstery'!" > "Ensign Supra to Captain Picard." > "You are early, Patterson," Marrissa said. "Have they come up with an agreement already?" > "Apparently so," Patterson Supra replied. "I've never heard such yelling in my life Nine: "--except for maybe on that Courtney Love record..." >but they've calmed down and are asking for you." > "Thank you, Ensign, I'll be right down," Marrissa said. >"Picard- out." As she moved toward the turbolift she muttered to herself, "I'm going to miss using that name." Tom: What, is she considering getting one of those dopey symbols like Prince has? Mike: I think she means she's changing it to Tanya. > The room was silent when Marrissa returned to the mediation table. "My security officer >tells me you have come to an agreement," > Marrissa began. "Who wants to tell me it." Crow: How can you not love Marrissa? Her impeccable demeanor, her prodigious leadership skills, her rudimentary command of English... > Sel Rahc Selaw rose. "My fellow Sel Rahcs have elected me to do so," he began. "We have >decided to keep all extra-system taxes. For inside taxes, Tom: From his clear mastery of the terminology I can see Ratliff has given himself over to the exhaustive study of the seminal economics texts. >we will be reducing the taxes on food stuffs to no more than 3 percent as determined by the >planet's legislators. The taxes on consumer goods will be no more than 6 percent. >Luxury items will be taxed at no more than 10 percent. All non classed items will be >taxed at no more than 7 percent. Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping tax rates scene! >However we still have one problem. We can not agree as to how the treaty will be implemented." > "Are you willing to listen to my suggestions?" Marrissa asked. The Sel Rahcs indicated >they were. "Well, the treaty can take effect when ratified by two planets and will only include >those planets that ratify it. Tom: But that just means that you'll be going through this process all over again in a couple of weeks with the holdouts! What kind of solution is that? >Breaking the treaty will result in a 50 percent across the board tax, starting two weeks after >the breakage and lasting until the break is repaired by Mike: --duct tape. >returning to treaty specs. Opinions? Today's order is by increasing distance from the Endeavor." Tom: Geocentric? Heliocentric? No, it's a Marrissacentric universe! > "We agreed to let you decide on it," Sel Rahc Akros said."After all if you are a starship captain, Mike: "--then naturally that qualifies you to draft sensitive legislation!" >a Princess, Crow: Great. I'm sure waving skills will come in handy in creating future economic policy. >and had the good taste to except that first officer of yours' marriage proposal, Tom [Akros]: "He's quite a tasty dish!" >we know your judgment is better than any one we are going to find. Crow: What about Wapner? >And I must admire your elegant solution to the implementation problem." > "Then you all will agree to the said provisions and sign the treaty tomorrow morning?" >Marrissa inquired. The Sel Rahcs indicated they were. Mike: They conveyed their assent through interpretive dance. >"Then I will see you tomorrow in Conference Room 5. If you will excuse me, I've got to see about some media coverage." Nine: "I've got to get that videotape back from those people at Hard Copy! 'Marrissa's Wild Night Out' my ass!" > Later that evening, Jay and Marrissa were relaxing in her quarters. "Another diplomatic >triumph, Marrissa," Jay said. "For someone who hates diplomacy your record is definitely usual." Tom: Yeah, an enormous body count, star systems ravaged beyond repair, cultures wiped clean off the map... you know, the usual. > "Maybe marriage will get them to stop calling on me," Marrissa said. "Diplomacy gives me headaches." Crow: I know what you mean. I always get stuck with Austria-Hungary, and Italy and Turkey keep teaming up to grab my supply centers. > "Speaking of our upcoming wedding, I think their is one matter we might want to discuss," Jay said. > "What would that be?" Marrissa inquired. Nine [Jay]: "Well, uh, you know, I still haven't figured out where everything =goes=, if you know what I mean..." > "The matter of last names," Jay said. "I'd like you to keep yours, Marrissa." > "Why?" Marrissa asked. Mike [Jay]: "Cause, I know it worked for Cher and Madonna, but just plain 'Marrissa' sounds goofy!" > "I've heard of the problems the Enterprise had when their were three Picards on board," Jay said. > "I don't want to be the cause of it on the Endeavor. Tom: Gotcha. The fewer Picards, the better. But, wait, then, doesn't that mean...? >Plus, I heard your comment about missing the name when you left the bridge yesterday. Mike: How? What, has he got the turbolift bugged? Crow: Oh, I think Marrissa's got the entire ship wired. >In fact I suggest we let out Crow: "--these pants. Once I'm married I'm gonna swell up like a balloon!" >that we will be following Essex tradition on the matter." > "I'm afraid I don't know Essex tradition as to married names," Marrissa replied. > "I'm surprised, you are usual quite well informed about Essex," Jay responded. Mike: Hell, she's usually omniscient, omnipotent and infallible. > "I've never had the reason to look it up before," Marrissa said. > "Now tell me what is the tradition?" > "The more prestigious and wealth persons name is taken by the children Tom: After all, as we all know, the rich are better than the rest of us. >and both parents retain their name," Jay replied. "You can't deny that you are more respected and admired. Mike: "Me, I've got as much cred as Rob and Fab!" >Plus with that mansion on Essex, how can you not be more wealth than me?" Crow: Oh, it's not all that impressive. It's on Foulness Island. Tom: British topography humor. Yeah, that'll get 'em rolling in the aisles. Crow: Shut up. > "You do have a point," Marrissa said. "By the way, Victoria wants to give you a title. >How does Duke of Churchill sound?" Tom [Jay]: "I was thinking something along the lines of 'World's Greatest Chef!'" > "You know all those titles was one of the reasons I didn't propose to you earlier," Jay moaned. Mike: Well, that and the fact that he hadn't reached puberty yet. >Chapter Seven > > Captain Marrissa Amber Picard was looking at records when her ready room door rang. "Come," she ordered. Crow: Practicing for the honeymoon, I see. >Lieutenant Shayna Sachs entered the ready room. "Shayna, come sit down." > "You wanted to see me, Captain," Shayna stated. Mike [Marrissa]: "I did? Hunh! Learn something new every day." > "No titles, how many times do I have to tell people," Marrissa commented. > "OK, Marrissa, but if some officer complains about my lack of a proper show of respect to >ranking officers," Shayna replied. Nine: "--I'll probably get pulled out of my car and beaten!" >"It's your problem." > "Not entirely, Shayna," Marrissa said. "But that's not why I called you here." > "May I ask why?" Shayna responded. Mike [Marrissa]: "Sure, go ahead." > "I have a problem I think you can help me solve," Marrissa said. "In a couple days, >the entire senior staff with the exception of Doctor Jackson, and Counselor Sussex will be on >'Honeymoon leave' or in the case of our Chief of Security, Nine: --up in his room masturbating. Mike: Uh, Nine? We kind of have a policy around here... >leaving us for the Enterprise. Would you like to take command until one of us gets back?" > "Me? take command," Shayna said. "I've never been in command for more than a shift before." Tom: "--and in that short time I managed to snuff out a couple of stars and bring a sudden end to a hundred- million-year-old civilization!" > "You have a 17 minute 59.999999999...." Marrissa began. > "Enough with the nines," Shayna replied exasperated. Nine: Come on, Shayna. Hit her. Crow: One of these days Marrissa's going to go off about those Calamari Sushi times and end up with a chopstick lodged in her temple. > "... second Kobayashi Maru time," she finished. "Which no one in that painting over my sofa > will let you forget. Mike: You mean the dogs playing poker? >You are also the senior most Lieutenant on board." Crow: She's the most lieutenantest lieutenant of all! Whee! > "You don't have to convince me to take command," Shayna replied. > "Their is one other thing," Marrissa added. Mike: Suddenly it's an episode of "Columbo". > "What?" > "I need some one to take Ross's place as Chief of Security. I'd like you to consider the >possibility of transferring and taking that place. Don't answer now, Tom: "--there's more! Call now and we'll throw in a bamboo steamer -- a $29.95 value! Now how much would you pay?" >tell me when I return." > "Will you give me access to the security personnel and duty files so I may see what I'm >considering getting into," Shayna inquired. > "Of coarse, Shayna. Mike: "And here's an inventory of their medicine cabinets!" >I'll see you before I go down to Essex to get ready for my wedding," > Marrissa arranged. "Patterson, has volunteered to take command, so everyone >else can attend the ceremony. You will relieve him after the wedding." Crow: I think we'll all be relieved after the wedding. The story'll be over. Tom: Are you sure? Crow: Well, of course. I mean, you don't think Ratliff would include extraneous... material... oh, no. Oh, no, no, no... [sobs] > "Anything else, Marrissa?" > "No, send Jay in here," Marrissa ordered returning to her work. Shayna exited the room >and moments later Jay entered. "You asked for me Marrissa?" Jay inquired. Nine [Marrissa]: "That was 5.6 whole seconds, Jay! Work on it." > "Yes, Jay, I think I have the problem Lieutenant Lochard left us with solved," Marrissa said. > "Don't tell me your leaving Shayna in Command," Jay exclaimed. > "Yes, ... something wrong with that?" Marrissa replied. Mike: Maybe the fact that you're leaving a flesh-and-blood member of Radford University's CS Department in charge of a bunch of fictional characters? >"You did recommend her." > "I was joking," Jay replied. > "Now just what made Shayna a jokable person Nine: That's not a word! Tom: It is now. >to leave in command?" Marrissa asked. "After all she does have a 17 minute 59.9..." > Jay joined in "...9999999999999999 second Kobayashi Maru time." Tom: It's Jay Gordon, Starfleet's answer to Waylon Smithers. > "Why wouldn't you leave her in command?" Marrissa continued. > "She is undisciplined, unorthodoxed, and a relentless practical joker," Jay said. > "Sounds like the prefect Security chief," Marrissa responded. Crow [Marrissa]: "And while we're at it, let's get Bob Denver for first mate!" > "Marrissa, you have the oddest sense of humor in the fleet," Jay replied. Mike: "Except for maybe Ensign Carrot Top." > "Something wrong with that?" Marrissa inquired, sweetly. Tom: --as she sweetly set her phaser to "kill." > "Actually, no, not on this ship, known far and wide for its oddities," Jay said. Crow: Oh, so =they're= the ones who created "The Head". > "In fact your sense of humor has just been added to the list of qualities I'm marrying you for." > "I want to see this list," Marrissa said, kissing her first officer. Nine: I take it that she's already kissed many of the enlisted men? > "Sorry, that information is classified under time release, Mara" > Jay said and shut her up with a long, deep, and romantic kiss. Tom: I certainly endorse the ends, but the means seem rather extreme. > The next morning Marrissa was woken up by a call from the bridge. "Marrissa here, what do you want?" > "Sorry to wake you, Captain, but we have an incoming priority one message," Alexander's voice said. Nine [Marrissa]: "Tough! At this hour of the morning the only thing that gets a priority one is coffee!" > "Route it down here," Marrissa ordered, getting up from her bed and pushing her long blond >hair back into a hasty ponytail. "Display message." > Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen and said, "Sorry to wake you Captain, Crow: "Captain"? What, like they've never met? She's his daughter! Mike: Ah, but you're forgetting. In the 22nd century they banned any display of family affection or emotion or even informality. "A Date With Your Family" was shown over and over again at the public schools. The culture never fully recovered. >but I must inform you that a inspection will be performed by myself when you arrive at Essex. >Be ready, Fleet Admiral out." > "Great, he wakes me at 0421 hours just to inform me that he will insect us Tom: Actually, he's already starting to =bug= me! Ha! >as soon as we arrive at Essex," Marrissa muttered. "Does he think my room is so messy that I need >12 hours to clean it." She looked around her room and had to admit that it was rather messy. Nine: She might need to spend a couple of hours just figuring out how to get the bra untangled from the ceiling fan. >She and Jay hadn't been thinking of neatness during last night's nightcap. Crow: Oh, ick. >Oh well, what's the point of being a Captain if you can't have some one straiten up your room. Nine: "I'll just order someone over from the USS Guatemala!" > Around 1630 hours the USS Endeavor pulled into Essex orbit. The USS Enterprise >NCC-1701-E and the Papal vessel Trinity where already there. "Looks like Pope Gregory, >happened to be in the neighborhood again," Marrissa commented. "He doesn't miss a chance >to do anything, does he?" Crow: Especially altar boys. Nine: Yowtch! That was very dark. I admire that. > "Old Gregory? If he could he'd probably be out converting Cardassians," Jay replied. > "I hate to tell you be he's done that," Marrissa said. "And Romulans, and Bajorans. > You name it and he'll convert it." Mike: "He'd even convert Jews if I hadn't wiped them all out in my last pogrom!" > "I thought that was a job for is underlings," Jay replied. > "Not according to the Pope," Marrissa replied. "He says that he intends to lead by example." Nine: Next week he's setting up an auto-da-fe on Risa. > "Incoming hail from the Enterprise," Tom: "--expected to turn to sleet by late afternoon!" >Lieutenant Ross Lochard announced. > "On screen," Marrissa commanded. > Captain William T. Riker of the Starship Enterprise appeared on the main viewscreen. >His beard was beginning to gray and his hair already had some white streaks in it. Mike: Captain William T. Riker is eleven years old. Tom: "Have you played Tron? It's totally awesome!" >"Captain Picard, I hope you are ready for inspection," he said. Crow: "Assume the position! Full body cavity search!" >"The Admiral is in a picky mood today." > "Not as picky as I'm going to be about the uniform he is going to be giving me away in," Marrissa said. Mike: "We're overstocked! All Marrissas must go! Prices so low we're practically giving them away!" > "He better be careful, or I'll arrange for more heavy orders. That is if the order of the >Defenders of the Klingon Empire Medal isn't heavy enough." > "You mean the bronze medal in the shape of the Klingon Insignia about 4 inches across," Riker responded. > "You don't need to describe it, I have one myself," Marrissa said. Crow: Big deal! I've got two! And I got them when I was five! Tom: Hey, Crow, calm down there, buddy. Crow: Sorry. It's just that the characters all talk alike and I'm starting to pick up their speech patterns. >"That's what I get for being close to Kronos when Gowron died." > "I heard about it," Riker replied. "Tell me did Korlas ever get over the scare you gave >him when you pinned him to the wall by throwing two daggers?" Nine: "Oh! And what about the time you got those loaves and fishes to feed five thousand people? Man, that was something!" > "As far as I know, no," Marrissa thought. "Last I heard he was still afraid to leave his house." > "Well, it is a little frightening to be pinned to a wall outside ones house for how long was it?" Riker asked. Tom: How did he hear that if all she did was think it? > "32 hours," Marrissa said. "He really shouldn't have launched his own dagger into one of my friends." Mike: I agree wholeheartedly. He should've launched it into her. Tom: Y'know, I'm really looking forward to a Marrissa/Grignr crossover. > "Well the Fleet Admiral is signaling his impatience Crow: I've been signaling my impatience for a while now. Only takes one finger! >so I'll see you in about five minutes in your transporter room," Riker concluded. "Enterprise out." > "Jay, Alex, Ross, my dad would like to see us in transporter room two," Marrissa said. Tom: Really? I'd rather see them all in a mass grave. >"Kathy, you have the bridge, see that Clara, Martin, and Doctor Johnson meet us in the transporter room." > > When Marrissa, Jay, Alexander, and Lieutenant Ross Lochard entered the transporter room, Clara, >Counselor Martin Sussex, and Doctor Jackson Johnson were already standing before the control console. Crow: --playing Zoop. Tom: Zoop! Zoop! >Behind the console stood Lieutenant Shayna Sachs. "The Admiral is signaling that he is ready to beam >aboard with his party of five," Shayna informed Marrissa. Crow: Cool! I can't get enough of that Love Hewitt. > "Beam them aboard, Shayna," Marrissa ordered. > Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Beverly Picard, their children Jackie and Nicholas, >and Captain William T. Riker materialized on the platform. "Permission to come aboard, Captain?" >Jean-Luc Picard asked. Nine: Uh, aren't they sort of already there? > "Granted, Dad," Marrissa replied. > "Will you ever stop being so informal?" Jean-Luc asked. > "Hey, I'm on a first name basis with most of my crew," Marrissa said. "That's why we >have a 120 efficiency rating. Tom: "Plus we use every part of the buffalo!" >Speaking of my crew, I believe introductions are in order. This is my first officer, Commander >Jay Gordon." Jay nodded. "My Second Officer and Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter." >Clara smiled. "My Chief of Security, for the next 5 hours, Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard. Nine: "After that he'll have a little minor surgery and be known as 'Rossina'." >I'm not happy about you stealing him, Captain Riker." > "Then blame your father for giving Geordi a ship," Captain Riker said. Mike [Marrissa]: "Well, of course! I'm a teenager! I blame my parents for everything!" >"Worf was my best choice for First Officer and you can't be that and Chief of Security. So I had to find someone." > "Well you won't be getting anymore of my officers for a while," Marrissa said. Tom: "I've loaded them up with exploding dye cartridges!" >Then continuing with the introductions she introduced, "My Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Jackson Johnson." > "I've heard good things about you, Doctor," Captain Beverly Picard said. Mike [Johnson]: "Thanks. I'd prefer it if you'd heard good things =from= me, but Ratliff didn't give me any lines." > "Oh, no, you are not stealing any of my officers either," Marrissa responded. "I already >have the ship with the lowest average rank in Starfleet. I don't need to lose anyone else." Tom: Free agency really does cripple the smaller-market teams. > "I take it you would like a little reprieve from all of the raiding other Captains have >been doing to your crew," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "I've seen too many transfers from your ship in recent >months, Crow: Well, think about it! If you were stuck on Marrissa's ship wouldn't you jump on the first garbage stow to come within ten light-years? >I'll let it be known that further transfers will have to go though me, Mike: "It'll be just like on American Gladiators!" >and I'm not exactly easy to contact." > "Thank you," Marrissa replied. "Now on to the rest of my introductions. Tom: Jesus! Stanislaw Lem didn't write this many introductions! >This my Ship's Counselor, Martin Sussex. Next is my Chief of Operations, Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko. > And finally behind the console is Lieutenant Shayna Sachs, who will be taking command while the rest >of my command crew is enjoying their honeymoons." Crow: We know! We know! Mike: Ratliff seems to think ellipsis is something you get from Revlon. > "Well I guess it's inspection time," Jean-Luc Picard said. He turned to his children who >where dressed in white jumpsuits and said, "Go play Hide-an-Seek in the Jefferies tubes near Main Engineering." Nine: "Better yet, go play in the torpedo tube." [Commercials] [Continued in Part 5]