From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:41 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 5/9 [Continued from Part 4] >Chapter Eight > > Admiral Jean-Luc Picard began his inspection in the same place he had for the past ten >years in ships Marrissa was on. Crow: Her underwear drawer. >"This is the cleanest I've ever seen your room, Marrissa," he commented. "Rank hath it's privileges, I see." > "What makes you say that, Admiral?" Captain Riker replied. Mike [Picard]: "Oh, jutht a little lithp." > "She had the ship's Steward in recently," the Fleet Admiral replied. "You will note the >smell of lemon in the air." Tom: "I love the smell of lemon in the morning! It smells like-- danishes." > "I noticed," Riker replied. "It really must have been a mess." > "Lets just say that I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last couple nights," >Marrissa replied. All: *gag* *retch* *choke* Mike: There's nothing a father likes more than hearing about his teenage daughter's late-night sexcapades. > "That rowdy, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "If your not careful Marrissa, you'll >end up presenting me with my first grandchild with in a year." > "It's already on my list of goals," Marrissa replied. Tom: Ah, yes. From "Captain at 25" to "Pregnant at 18". You've come a long way, Rissa baby. > "Marrissa, you are really spreading yourself thin," her father replied. "Captain, >Princess, soon-to-be a Wife and you want to add Mother to that ASAP. If you are not careful >you will be forced to retire from Starfleet due to other commitments." Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up or I'll have =you= committed, old man! I've got an application to the Addled Admirals' Nursing Home just waiting for my signature!" > "Dad, you've been saying that for years now," Marrissa responded. "Has anything stopped me yet?" Nine: "I mean, if things at work get too hectic I'm sure the baby can take care of itself for a few hours! What could happen?" > "No, to tell the truth, I don't know anything that's even slowed you down," Jean-Luc Picard answered. Mike: "Well, maybe the Quaaludes." >"But something has to give sometime." > "Maybe, Dad," Marrissa said. "By the way Captain Riker, is there truth to the rumor that your >leaving the Enterprise next year?" > "Actually it's closer to a half of a year now," Riker responded. Crow: Good thinking, Will! Maybe Marrissa won't have to have you knocked off after all. >"Admiral, I though you were trying to keep it secret?" > "So it is true," Marrissa smiled. > "Yes, and I want to know where you heard it," Fleet Admiral Picard asked. Nine: "Easy! I bugged his office!" > "In the docking bay lounge of the Utopia Planate Ship Design Station, right after the lecture >on the new Nova class design," Marrissa said. "I overheard it from a conversation between Captains Morris and Shelby. Mike: "Lucky for me I just so happened to be under that desk!" >By the way, who are your leading candidates for replacing him?" > Admiral Picard began, "Captain Chelsea Crusher of the Clinton, Captain T'Gwen Washington >of the Stargazer, Captain Mary Szustakowski of the Roanoke, Commander Worf, Commander Michael >Walsky, Commander Lavelle..." > "Stop kidding her, Admiral," Riker interrupted. "You know she's Tom: "--completely flippin' =insane=!" >after my chair." > "What ever gave you that idea, Captain?" Captain Marrissa Picard replied with false innocence. Crow: She's been practicing that voice on Jay for months now. Mike: Of course, everyone knows she =really= wants to be President of Acquisitions for Gracen & Gracen. > "Your living room," Riker replied. > "That would be a good reason ... if it didn't sound so ridiculous," Marrissa replied. Tom: Are you kidding? This is a Ratliff story! The whole thing sounds ridiculous! > "So, Admiral, tell her the real short list," Riker said. > "Captain Marrissa Picard, starship Endeavor, no competition," Jean-Luc Picard responded. Crow: Hey, that =is= a real short list! >"And no accusing me of basis, Mike: Oh, we're all well aware there's no good basis for that decision. >a panel of 13 Admirals searched though all of Starfleet to find the best captain for the Flagship and >told me and I quote. 'Captain Marrissa Picard embodies the spirit of Starfleet. Tom [droning]: "She is much better than CATS. I'm going to see her again and again." >She knows how to negotiate, when to follow rules and when those rules do not apply. Crow: "She knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em, knows when to walk away and knows when to run." >She has boundless penitence Nine: She's riddled with guilt? >and is not intimidated. She knows how to promote peace, but also how to fight when fighting becomes necessary. Tom: "She knows fifty-six ways to kill a man, and fifty-two of them hurt." >We could find no other whose abilities and traits are as exceptional.'" > "I wouldn't have given me any of those accolades," Marrissa replied honestly. >"Especially the boundless penitence comment. Mike: "I regret nothing!" >I'm sure that those Naklab Sel Rahc I've mediated would say otherwise." > "Those Naklab Sel Rahc scare away other mediators within the first day," Jean-Luc Picard responded. Crow: "Why, their table manners =alone=..." >"You've now worked with them for a couple months total." > "Yea, and I don't get anything done until I lose my patience," Marrissa said. >"Last time I locked them in the room until they agreed to something." Tom: From the way he keeps harping on it I'm beginning to get the sense that Ratliff actually thinks he's hit upon the solution to any and all diplomatic disputes. > "Unique approach, Marrissa," Riker said. "I'll have to remember it." Mike: Yeah, well, the Unabomber has a unique approach to things too. > "It worked," Marrissa shrugged. > > Late that night as Marrissa was preparing for bed, the third watch commander, Tom: Who watches the watch commanders? >Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko called, "Bridge to Captain Picard." > "Yes, Alex?" > "The Queen of Essex is calling, Marrissa," the Chief of Operations replied. Crow: Dr. Ruth? Cool! Mike: Essex, Crow. Essex. Crow: Aw, that's nowhere near as much fun. > "Patch her in here," Marrissa yawned. > Queen Victoria appeared in one of the short lacy dresses she preferred. Nine: More importantly, demographic research showed that they were preferred by males 18 to 34. "Sorry to wake you Marrissa." > "Actually, I was just readying myself for bed," Marrissa said. "I assume you are calling about some last minute detail of my wedding?" > "Actually I'm calling about my problem," the Queen responded. Tom: "What about =my= needs, huh? When do I get some me time?" >"I need to get William to propose to me. Crow: "You're good at crushing the wills of men! What do you suggest?" >I know he wanted to marry me before I became Queen, I've got the letter my Grandfather >wrote giving him permission. And after that kiss tonight, well those feelings haven't >waned in the last decade." > "Let me guess, you think your position is the problem," Marrissa replied. Nine: "Have you considered something in a female-dominant?" >"Don't take the way out that one of your ancestors did, I have enough to do without a throne." Crow: Yeah, who needs the burden of no responsibilities whatsoever dumped on them? > "I'm not following old Edward VIII of Great Britain," Victoria replied. Nine: Into the grave? Oh, you'll follow him eventually, my dear. >"I'd end up without a throne or a husband." > "Then I suggest we make it so he has no choice in the matter," Marrissa said. Mike: "I'll get the AK-47. Have him strapped to the chair by the time I get there." >"In diplomacy, you learn a lot of ways to make sure that all sides get what they want. Nine: "I find lies, threats and appalling acts of brutality work best." >Of course you have to overrule all of their objections, first. Tom: "This is easily done by attaching electrodes to their genitals." >It looks like it's time to get rid of the Prime Ministers objections and get him to do what >he has been denying for too long. Crow: You mean come out? Wouldn't that be counterproductive? > "Perfect," Victoria responded. "I'll leave it up to you to arrange the sweeping away >of his objections. Mike: Isn't that what Tonya Harding said? Tom: Pamela Smart, maybe. >Essex out." Tom: And so are we. C'mon, let's go. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Nine are hanging out by the desk. Enter Mike.] Mike: Have you noticed how Ratliff has a rather scary implicit timeline for his characters' lives? Everyone discovers their soulmate long before they reach puberty, they get hitched in their mid-teens or so and then start poppin' out babies before they hit the big two-oh! By the time they're 25 it's time to start looking into nursing homes. Nine: I know. Gail Sheehy would have a cerebral hemorrhage. Mike: Okay, so it's not all bad. Crow: Well, Mike, not only have we noticed this trend, but I've taken the liberty of putting together a little production about it! In honor of Ratliff, I call it "Segassap". Cambot, lights? [Lights go down, spotlight on Crow and Nine.] Crow [stammering adolescent voice]: "Gee Marrissa prom sure has been swell!" Nine [same voice as Crow]: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last couple nights." Crow: "Marrissa will you marry me." Nine: "What took you so long Jay." Mike: Shouldn't there be a question mark or two in there somewhere? Crow: No. I'm staying faithful to the Ratliff oeuvre. [Enter Gypsy, wearing a clerical collar.] Gypsy: "Do you Jay take Marrissa to be your lawfully wedded wife to love honor cherish obey and worship for as long as you both shall live." Crow: "I do." Gypsy: "Do you Marrissa take Jay to be your lawfully wedded husband to dominate command and toy with as your own personal plaything for as long as you both shall live." Nine: "I do." Gypsy: "Then by the power invested in me by the Federation I now pronounce you man and wife. Jay you may kiss the bride." Nine: Lacking any sort of corporeal form, I'll have to skip that part. Mike: Understandable. Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last couple nights." Crow: That was Nine's line, Gypse. And she already said it. The scene's over. Gypsy: "Oh Marrissa baby you gots a body that just don't quit." Crow: That was =my= line! Look, let's just skip to scene five. Where's Tom? Tom [from offstage]: No! I'm not doing this! You can't make me! Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last couple nights." Crow: Tom, get out here before Gypsy reads that line again! [Enter Tom, wearing a diaper. He also has a pacifier in his mouth.] Tom: This is the most humiliating thing you've ever made me do. Crow: Just read your line. Tom: *sigh* "Waah! Waah!" Nine: "And they said I couldn't be a starship captain and have a baby at the same time!" Mike: Didn't Marcus Aurelius say something about not siring more than three children on your wife before she's fully grown? Crow: No riffing on the sketch, Nelson. Tom: "Waah! Waah!" Crow: "And here we are, bound to each other for the rest of our lives and saddled with a mouth to feed at an age when most kids our age have barely started college and our acne hasn't cleared up yet! Isn't it great?" Gypsy: "This message has been brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!" Crow: Gypsy, we cut that line in rehearsal. Remember? Gypsy: No one faxed me my script changes. Tom: Can I take off this stupid diaper now? Crow: *sigh* I guess. So what'd you think, Mike? Mike: Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my lunch the last couple minutes. [Lights flash] All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] >Chapter Nine > > William Lancaster, Prime Minister of Essex for most of the last dozen years, was in his >study working on official documents. He paused to look at the picture of his desk. It was of >Victoria, laughing at Tom: --"The Family Circus". That Jeffy is a hoot! >some joke he had made. William wished for the simpler times like Mike: --the 50's. Back before computers, and ethnic minorities... >those before she had ascended the throne. > Not that Victoria had become any less affectionate. In fact, if anything she had become >more affectionate. Nine: Though the way she was constantly humping his leg got kind of annoying after a while. >It just wasn't appropriate for the Queen to date or heaven forbid, marry her Prime Minister ... >a fact Victoria couldn't seem to grasp. > Not that William didn't love Victoria, If it weren't for the fact that she was Queen, >he would have proposed to her years ago. Tom: But the second they put the crown on her head, bang, instant frumpy. >In fact, he had planned to do so the Saturday after the Royal Family Reunion. Unfortunately, >the Palace got blown up Crow: "It got blowed up real good!" >and he attended Victoria's coronation instead. > Suddenly the sound of a transporter beam filled the air. Looking up from Victoria's >picture, he caught the dwindling transporter effect surrounding the blond Starfleet Captain. Nine: Actually, that's her divine aura. You can tell by all the seraphim and cherubim fluttering around. >Although he had not seen Princess Marrissa since she was 16, it wasn't like there was a lot >of young Starship Captains who had the remotest of reasons to beam into the Prime Minister's study. Mike: Except for Captain Billy, his "special friend." > "Princess Marrissa, I presume?" William Lancaster inquired. > "Correct, Mister Lancaster," Marrissa replied with the practiced air of command. Tom: Yeah, she practices in the mirror for twenty minutes every morning. >"Although I prefer just plain Marrissa, or that new nickname Jay just came up with, Mara and > Captain isn't a bad title either." Mike: "And of course even though my name is McGill, I call myself Lil, and everyone knows me as Nancy." > "OK, Marrissa," Lancaster responded. "What brings you to my study?" Crow [Marrissa]: "Gotta try out the bumper pool table!" > "A promise I made Victoria," Marrissa said. "Now it's for the game show, Justification." Nine: "Now where's the host? Gene, where'd Bob go? He isn't backstage feeling up the models again, is he?" Tom: Help control the game show host population. Have Bob Barker spayed and neutered. >Marrissa raised her voice. "Victoria, what will William be justifying today?" Mike: The plot, I hope. Tom: Sorry. Can't be done. > Queen Victoria entered the room, and said, "Today William will be justifying his lack of marriage." > "And what is he playing for?" Marrissa asked. Crow: "A NEEEEEWWWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!" > "Love," Victoria stated. > "Well William, can you justify?" Tom: "--my love?" Crow: "Look at the unit on that guy!" >Marrissa questioned. > "It wouldn't be right for me to marry the woman I love," William replied. > "And why would that be?" Marrissa inquired. Nine [William]: "Because I prefer my sex meaningless and degrading!" > "It's a matter of propriety," William responded. "Their are just some people that a >Prime Minister can't marry without a scandal." Mike: I believe we can safely begin the list with RuPaul. > "Prostitute, Nun, or if your really strict the Queen," Marrissa stated. "Please narrow that list down." > "Well she's not a prostitute, Crow: "She's a professional escort! There's a difference!" >in fact I believe she is a virgin," William said. Nine: I see William has yet to meet the royal pool guy. >"As for a nun, well she's religious but not that religious." Tom: "It's basically a sham piety. You know, like televangelists!" > "That leaves the Queen," Marrissa said. "Well Victoria, it looks like we know the >hurdle you need to clear." > "High but clearable," Victoria replied. Mike: Unless you're Dan O'Neill. >"How busy has your press office been?" > "Busy, but I have what you need," Marrissa responded. "Clara!" > Princess Clara Sutter entered the room on cue. "What is this a conspiracy?" The >Prime Minister asked. > "No, Nine: "--it's an intervention. We've got a car out front waiting to take you to Betty Ford." >just family," Victoria commented. > Looking up at the ceiling, the Prime Minister said, "And I'm considering marrying >into this family?" > "The hurdle just lowered," Marrissa announced. "Admitting is half the battle. Crow: I thought knowing was half the battle. >Now the poll please?" > Clara began, "20,000 citizens of Essex were asked the following question: >What would be their opinion of a marriage between the Queen and the Prime Minister? Mike: "Top five answers on the board! Lurlene, you're up first!" >75 percent said 'Their finally doing it, Its about time.' 24 percent said, 'You mean >the're not already married.' One percent Tom: --actually knew how contractions worked and refused to appear in this story. >had no opinion. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus three percent." > "You realize that by conducting this poll you've made it almost impossible for >him not to propose to me?" the Queen commented. Nine: Yeah! Nothing makes you more attractive than displays of overt manipulation and treating people as if they had no will of their own! > "I said I'd help you kick him into action," Marrissa said. "And I don't do half measures. >Come on Clara, I think its time to take a look at all those wedding presents that keep arriving." >Marrissa and Clara left the room. Mike: "Blender... blender... blender..." > "So Tory, are you ready to deliver your ultimatum?" William asked. > "No, I'm just going to give this letter and ask you to read it out loud to me," Victoria said. Crow [William]: "No, no, don't you see? I can't! I can't read! That's why I couldn't marry you -- it's my secret shame!" >"I'm sure you remember it, I found it in the to be shredded tray a couple days after my coronation." Nine: "And as you know, private documents are fair game!" > "It's dated about a week before your ascension," William said as he began to read the letter: Mike: "Hmm. 'Best Before 9/26/78.'" >Dear William, > In response to your letter requesting the hand of my granddaughter, Lady Victoria. We say Its about time. >Marry her with my blessing. Just don't let her find out until she's in your bed, I have a reputation to keep. Tom: Uhhh... WHAT? >Good luck with Tory signed Crow: --Aaron Spelling. >George Rex. > > "That and that kiss you gave me last night was what made me give Marrissa the go ahead," >Victoria said, smiling. > "Meet me by the lily pond in the west garden at 8 tonight," William said. Nine: "I'll be the one floating face down in it." >"If I have no more excuses I intend to do everything else right." > "I will be there," Victoria said and after a quick kiss, she left to join her cousins, Marrissa and Clara. Crow: Why'd she kiss =them=? Mike: Actually, the kiss was unspecified. For all we know Marrissa and Clara were kissing each other. You know, like the pool scene in KIDS. Tom: Jeez, how many KIDS references is that? It wasn't even a very good movie. > After leaving and checking on the incoming wedding presents, Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type who calls her answering machine every ten minutes when she's out of town? >Marrissa beamed back up to the Endeavor and returned to the bridge. > "Good morning, Jay," she said entering from the forward turbolift. "You should see the pile >of accumulating wedding gifts." Mike: "Speaking of which, I'd better go check them again." *twitch* *twitch* > "I've heard, we'll be busy for weeks trying to decide what to keep," her first officer and >husband-to-be replied with a kiss. Crow: Wow! Stereo! >"More starships have arrived." > "Which ones?" Marrissa asked. > "The Clinton, the Defiant, the Pasteur, and the Gorkon," Jay replied. Mike [singing]: o/~ One of these ships is not like the other, three of these ships are kind of the same... o/~ > "Captain Chelsea Crusher, Admiral Sisko, Mom's ship, and Captain Dax's," Marrissa matched up. >"Hail Captain Crusher for me." > The daughter of President Clinton and wife of Wesley Crusher appeared on screen. Nine: Excuse me? What's Chelsea Clinton doing hanging out with Wesley's wife? Tom: *whisper* *whisper* Nine: WHAT?? >She was holding her month-old daughter, Kasey in her arms, bottle feeding her. Mike: Thank God. Crow: Now if it were one of the Gore girls it might be a different story... >"Captain Chelsea Crusher, starship Clinton, how may I help you, Captain Picard?" > "Just calling to see how you and my older brother are doing," Marrissa replied. > "Fine, except for the fact that little Kasey is keeping us up nights," Chelsea replied. Tom: "Oh, and except for the fact that my presence in this story is COMPLETELY LUDICROUS!!" > "I think Wes is beginning to regret his plan to keep me out of away teams." > "Don't give my first officer any ideas," Marrissa responded. "We've got a successful >alternating away team rule here, and I don't want to ruin it." > "Trust me, Marrissa, within a year Kasey will have a cousin Crow: STOP IT! No more harping on Marrissa's imminent pregnancy! I don't think I'll ever feel clean again. >and Jay will be leading the away teams," Chelsea replied. "I speak from experience." > "I hope not," Marrissa responded. "Leading Away Teams is one of the more enjoyable duties >I've had in Starfleet." Nine: "I mean, blowing starships into so much slag is all good fun, but there's just a certain something to taking lives with your own bare hands!" > "Well on the Clinton, that duty is now almost excessively the providence Mike: Oh, Stephen, when will you learn to leave the thesaurus alone until you learn how to use it? >of Lieutenant Commander Wesley Crusher," Chelsea said. > "Where is my brother, anyway?" Marrissa asked. > "He's over on the Enterprise, discussing something with Captain Riker," Chelsea replied. >"He was very closemouthed as to what." Crow: Not to mention foulmouthed. > "I think it's the bachelor's party," Marrissa replied. "And I know for a fact that it won't >go as planned if the continue to try to hide it from me." Nine: "I've had every stripper in the galaxy killed and their corpses dismembered!" > "How are you going to manage that?" Chelsea asked. > "Sorry, I can't tell in front of my bridge crew," Marrissa replied. Tom: "They're all against me! They've got a radio implanted in my brain!" > "Understandable," Captain Crusher said. "Come over to see your new niece, and we will discuss >how to ruin parties which tried to hide from us." Mike: "No one may have fun except for us!" > "I'll be over in an hour," Marrissa replied. "Endeavor out." > "You wouldn't actually ruin a party, would you?" Jay asked when the channel had been closed. Crow: Are you kidding? She ruins parties just by showing up. > "Just those that didn't inform me that they were going on," Marrissa answered. >"If you let me know the time, the place, and some other minor details; Tom: "Where is this party? Dave's house? And will his parents be there? And what does his father do? And what does his mother do? And how much money do they make? And will there be boys there? I mean, girls? And no loud rock music, right? You know I can't stand that loud rock music. Shameful!" >I'll leave it alone. Be sure to pass the message along to Captain Riker. You have the bridge, Jay. > I'll be on the Clinton." Nine: That's what Paula Jones said. > Meanwhile in the Romulan Strategy Room on Romulus, an officer noticed something. Crow: "Check it out! That Hyundai's going 110 miles an hour!" >A large number of ships were gathering around the Federation Planet Essex, less that a score of >light years from the Neutral Zone. Tom: Umm... doesn't that mean that the ships were gathering there twenty years ago? Crow: This is Star Trek, Servo. What do you expect, halfway plausible physics? Ha! >He quickly alerted his superiors as to the build up. Mike: "Captain! Admiral! We need to switch to a new conditioner!" [Commercials] [Continued in Part 6] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:41 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 6/9 [Continued from Part 5] >Chapter Ten > > Gamma Shift (of four shifts) was about to begin on the Endeavor, Lieutenant Commander >Clara Sutter was getting briefed on the events of the day while she had been in Engineering, >before taking command. Tom: "The Federation was taken over by giant talking chickens. Oh, and one of the shuttlecraft got dented." >"The Defiant, the Clinton, the Gorkon, and the Stargazer have arrived," Jay briefed. >"Fleet Admiral Picard has ordered a flyby Crow: Yo, he gon' show 'em y'all don't mess wit' Picard's posse. Mike: Word. >by a select wing of fighters from the Stargazer for the wedding and they are practicing, >so keep an eye out for any fighter who gets himself into trouble. Other than that, >everything is normal." Mike: "We continue to lead dismal lives of quiet desperation." > "Any word on the arrival of the starship Nova?" Clara asked. Tom [Jay]: "Taken out of commission. Gingrich killed PBS's funding." > "Yes, Captain LaForge thinks he has all the bugs solved for now and projects an >arrival time of about an hour from now," Jay said. "Worried about you father being late >to your wedding?" > "Yes, I know all the bugs that the Nova had when it left Utopia," Clara said. Crow: "It was almost as bad as Windows 95!" >"Heck I found a couple myself last time I visited Dad. Personally I think they underestimated >the time it would take to debug a ship that is more than twice as long as the Galaxy Class." Mike: Oh, so it =is= length and not technique that counts. > "Especially a design that they rushed into production," Jay added. > "That too," Clara said. "You better get to sleep, Jay. Tomorrow is a big day for both >of us and unlike me, you need 8 hours of sleep." > "How many do you need?" > "Just 4 and a half," Clara replied. Nine: "The crystal meth takes care of the rest!" >"Now get to bed before I sic Doctor Johnson on you." > Jay left the bridge by the forward turbolift, saying, "Beta shift is relieved, Clara you >have the bridge." > "You bet I do," Clara muttered. Crow: Whoa! What does that mean? Tom: If it means what I think it does, I know whose side =I'm= on! > An hour later, the first, and so far the only Nova Class Starship, the USS Nova under >Captain Geordi LaForge pulled into orbit. Her saucer was an ellipse Mike: --so Rob Liefeld can't draw it. >facing like those in the Intrepid Class. Retracted inside, the saucer supported Defiant like >Warp Engines. However her real warp engines were more traditionally mounted on the Engineering >hull which started with a large defector dish, Crow: So =that's= why it ran away with the spoon! It was seeking political asylum! >one and a half times the size of those on Galaxy Class Starships. It swept back like a Tom: --bad comb-over. >slightly flattened on the top club with the warp pylons attached mid-way back. >The pylons attached to the warp nacelles two thirds from the back. The nacelles themselves were >similar in shape to the ones on the galaxy class, but smaller sections of color were seeable. Mike [intercom]: "Attention, passengers. I regret to announce that we are going to have to divert this flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, as Denver is completely fogged in with zero seeability." >The color itself was unique. The forward tips were bright red like before but that's were the >similarity ended. Instead of the blue color strip it was purple in color at rest but as it produced >more and more power that color arched up to an orange color. Crow: WHO CARES? WHO FRIGGING CARES?? [pause] Crow: Sorry. > As it drew closer to the Endeavor, another feature was spotted. Tom: By...? >The Nova had a large forward facing fighter bay. It wasn't easy to spot however with the shell >like bay door reminiscent of the old Constitution Class Starships. The ID was now clearly >readable, USS Nova NX 90000, she said Mike: Who said? Crow: I dunno. Marrissa, maybe? She talks a lot. Tom: Maybe it's whoever spotted the other feature. >as she merged into standard orbit in front of the Endeavor. > On the bridge of the Endeavor, Clara marveled at the Engineering of the ship on which her >father served as Chief Engineer. If it were for the fact that she wanted to stay under Marrissa's Command, Mike [Drew Pinsky]: "If anything =I= want to be dominated!" >Clara would have been doing everything under her power to get in the position her father had on the Nova, Nine: Is that even biologically possible? >despite the problems the ship had. > "Incoming hail from the Nova," the tactical officer said. Tom: Hail, stellar shrapnel, same difference. > "On screen," Clara ordered. Captain Geordi LaForge appeared on screen. Seated comfortably >in the Command Chair on the well endowed bridge of the Nova, Crow: I hear it's so well endowed it's been looking into reduction surgery. >the recently posted Captain of Starfleet's newest pride and joy smiled. > "Good Evening, Captain LaForge." > "Clara, Clara, Clara, how many times do I have to tell you, any one who helped design the >ship I command doesn't have to call me Captain," Geordi LaForge commented. Tom: "Nor does anyone in my enormous harem of holographic concubines!" > "I only designed the preliminary warp drive configuration," Clara downplayed. Mike: This non-speech word brought to you by Neal Mentech. > "Clara, did anyone ever tell you that your too modest?" Geordi replied. "Designing an warp >drive configuration for a ship this size is no easy feat." > "Marrissa tells me that all the time," Clara answered. Crow: "Yes, modesty is just one of my many wonderful qualities!" >"So is my father ready to play his role in my wedding tomorrow?" Mike: "No, but he's ready to play Hamlet in Winnipeg!" > "I made sure his dress uniform was clean and ready for him to wear," Geordi said. Tom: "Oh, and I laid his undies out at the foot of his bed." >"Per your instructions, I'm well aware of his tendency to become buried in his work and >come up only to eat and sleep." Nine: What fulfilling lives they all lead. > "You should be, you are the only one who has commanded him longer than I have," Clara replied. > "Sorry about stealing him from you," Geordi apologized. > "That's OK, because your going to send me two new assistant Chief Engineers," Clara said with a grin. Mike: "--along with a second-round draft pick and a player to be named later!" > "Let me guess more ships have been raiding the Endeavor for the excellent officers >she produces," Geordi said. Nine: He makes it sound like they're coming out the hind end of a chicken. > "That and Marrissa raided Engineering to fill the post of Chief of Security," Clara replied. >"I don't have a single officer that's been in Starfleet for over a year now." Crow: Hey, that's life on the USS Menudo. > "You do need officers then," Geordi stated. "I'll see that your father sends two of our best to you." Tom: "Let's see-- yup, we've got Stacey Koon and Mark Fuhrman scheduled for transfer!" > "Thanks Geordi, I need all the help I can get," Clara replied. "How long are you going to be >around Essex?" > "I'm here for a couple days, to load fighters and attend the wedding, and however much time it >takes to pull this ship out of orbit," Geordi replied. Crow: "I'm figuring it'll take a few days -- Picard's picking up my room service bill!" > "It sounds like you don't trust the Nova," Clara replied. > "Not until I see all these bugs ironed out," Geordi responded. >"For instance I discovered on the way here that they loaded bad warp speed power conversion tables. Mike: "Even worse, they had bad UUE conversion tables! My extensive digitized pornography collection, ruined!" >I had to put them in from memory." > "I can transmit my copy of them," Clara offered. > "No better place to get them than the source," Geordi accepted. Tom: "That's why I drive fifty miles out of town to go to the outlet mall!" >"Any changes I should know about?" > "Warp 12 has been confirmed at the level of scale Starfleet IV warp 11.87 just like I told >them," Clara said. "Starfleet Engineering will probably be revising it's tables within a year." Mike: About time they fixed that wobbly leg. > "Personally the Nova runs on the Clara scale," Geordi replied. > "I'm fed up with their recalibrations every four years because they don't believe the article > you wrote when you were 12 Nine: You mean "A Scientific Treatise on Why Joey Is the Cutest Lawrence Brother"? >or the opinions of almost all of the Engineers out in the field." > "By the way, check the Journal, I've got a new article on that subject," Clara said. >"I figured out where 14, 15, and 16 are." Mike: In this story, that'd be puberty, marriage and parenthood respectively. > "The Nova will be converting to Clara II, soon as I have time," Geordi replied. "Well >I better go make sure my Chief Engineer is getting some sleep. If I don't I'm not sure he'd wake >up in time to walk you down the aisle. Nine: "I dunno... every single night he makes a big fuss till I read him 'Goodnight Moon'. You think he'd have outgrown it by now!" >Nova out." > > Meanwhile on Romulas, the Romulan Security Counsel had gathered to advise the Predator about Crow: --the fact that Schwarzenegger wouldn't sign for the sequel. >the Federation build up at the planet Essex. In the room were four Romulan Admirals, Tom [singing]: o/~ Three french hens, two turtledoves... o/~ >a representative of the Tal'shar, and two officers responsible for monitoring Federation starship >movements, in addition to the Predator and his two aides. > "Well gentlemen, what do we have today," the Predator asked. Mike: "Looks like crossovers with ALIENS and BATMAN, sir." > "We have a most serious situation near the planet Essex," the First Admiral said. Nine: I =knew= that Bradwell-on-Sea nuclear plant was operating below code! > "As serious as the one you brought to my attention last week," the Predator asked. >"Really I don't think an extra ship on the Klingon border was cause for concern." Crow: "But--" Tom: "Quiet! I don't =care= if it had really cool vanity plates!" > "This time it's really serious, my lord," the Second Admiral said. > "Seven starships are orbiting that planet." > "So some old Obeth class starships needed to transfer cargo," the Predator responded. >"Like the ones you pointed out a couple weeks ago near the junction of Klingon, Romulan, and Federation Space." Mike: Oh, yeah, next to the Stuckey's. > "One of them is the Enterprise," the Third Admiral stated. > "So, the flagship is in the area," the Predator replied. "Wasn't that your complaint >a month ago, when it was in route to Earth from Kronos?" Crow: "Well, sure, but now I've got a new complaint." Tom [singing]: o/~ For-or-ever in debt to your pri-iceless advi-ice... o/~ > "Another is the Defiant," the Fourth Admiral, Tistek, said. Mike: Hey, how come he gets a name? Tom: I wonder if Admiral Throwaway's wandering around here somewhere... > "What are those ships anyway?" the Predator asked, suddenly concerned. Crow: "They're big spacegoing vessels with lots of people in funny color-coded uniforms, but that's not important right now." > One of the monitors spoke up, "The Endeavor, the Enterprise, the Defiant, the Clinton, >the Gorkon, the Clinton, the Stargazer, the Trinity." > "The Pope's ship, there is a laugh!" the Predator responded. Mike: It =is= pretty funny how he stands at the window and waves at all the passing ships. > "Do not underestimate the power of the religion of the Pope," the Tal'shar representative said. >"Four times, people have tried to capture or destroy the Trinity and all four times those people have not succeeded." Nine: "One of 'em dented the Holy Spirit a little, but other than that, no luck." > "I'll take that fact, under advisement," the Predator responded. "Now what are the classes >of those other ships?" Tom: "Proletarian, sir." > "The Enterprise is an Galaxy; the Endeavor, a Nebula II; the Clinton, an Intrepid; Mike: I'll bet that's the first time the words "Clinton" and "intrepid" have appeared in the some sentence. >the Defiant is of coarse its own class; the Gorkon, Excelsior; the Stargazer is one of their small >carrier class of that name," the First Admiral responded. > "Not very good, five D'deridex class warbirds could do it," the Predator began. >"If I had decent Admirals, instead it will probably take about 8." Tom: This story isn't very good. Five paragraphs could do it, if it had a decent writer. Instead it'll probably take about 8000. > "I take it that your sending in the fleet," the Second Admiral said. > "Yes, but not under your over reacting command," the Predator snapped. "Admiral Tistek, >take a dozen D'deridex class warbirds and get rid of that build up. Mike: If only we could get rid of =this= build-up. Hurry it up, already! Get to the battle! >I'll leave your little numskulls to put together a plan. And remember if Admiral Tistek fails, >all four of you Admirals are dead." The Praetor swept from the room. Nine: Wait, that's a typo, right? He meant to type "Predator", right? I mean, Ratliff couldn't possibly know Latin given his limited command of English, could he? Crow: Ah, don't worry. I think it's one of those monkey/typewriter things. > The Admirals got to work on their plan to eliminate the fleet assembled at the planet Essex. > >Chapter Eleven Tom: Their plan is to file bankruptcy? > Doctor Beverly Picard was helping her adopted step daughter get into her wedding dress. >However Captain Marrissa Picard and the dress were not on good terms. "Stop figgeting," the Doctor said. Nine: "You're not supposed to start figgeting till =after= the wedding!" >"I swear you really don't like dresses." > "No doctor, I don't like eliborate dresses which are tight and have 45 foot long trains," >Marrissa complained. Tom: I agree. I'd much prefer it if the 45 foot train were barrelling into her at 180 miles an hour. Crow: "Why don't they look?" >"Why can't the bride wear the dress uniform?" > "Its only for about two hours," the Doctor replied. "Surely you can stand it for that long." Nine: "Two hours? The girls in the locker room said it was more like ninety seconds!" > "Yes, but don't tell Victoria, she'll have me attend more of those 'garden parties' in them," >Marrissa responded. "And Jay thinks the dress uniform is uncomfortable." Crow: Ah, yes, the ol' "polyester vasectomy." > Queen Victoria poked her head into the room and said, "I heard that, Marrissa. I'll be sure >to schedule another 'garden party' next time you are in the area." Tom: Yeesh, is there anyone here who =doesn't= spend the whole day eavesdropping on people? > "Great, more boring diplomats," Marrissa muttered. Mike: Boring? You obviously haven't seen Warren Christopher do his Dick Cavett impression. > "Why are you complaining, you are the life of the social," Crow: The ice cream social? >Victoria said. "Even with a decade's practice I can't make small talk last that long." Tom: So among Marrissa's many talents is a gift for inane chatter. Crow: Well, sure, to the extent that a gift for inane dialogue is among Ratliff's. Tom: Wow. Now I'm impressed. > "Don't you have a planet to run?" Marrissa responded. Mike: Are you kidding? If the royals actually had any governmental responsibilities they wouldn't have time to boff their riding instructors and sun their sallow, anemic skin on gravelly private beaches. Nine: As it is they don't seem to have the time to brush their teeth. > "Sorry, day off due to accepting the Prime Minister's wedding proposal," Victoria grinned. > "So William finally got up the nerve?" Beverly replied. Nine: Yeah, that's it. "The nerve." Good euphemism, Bev. Crow: Well, the older generation isn't comfortable talking frankly about these kinds of things. > "You might say that, after Marrissa helped me trap him," the Queen replied. Tom: "He did try to gnaw his own foot off, but fortunately he only made it through a couple of tendons before he passed out from blood loss!" > "Tell me more," Doctor Beverly Picard said, Mike: Uh, we already saw that scene. Any chance we can skip to the next chapter or... no...? >attaching the train (the part that would trail back behind Marrissa was pined up in a roll to make the > procession to the cathedral in the carriage a little easier.) Tom: And what about the part of the train that would get wrapped around her face? Sheesh. > "Well, Marrissa got rid of my Prime Minister's last objections by informing him of a poll that >her press office did, per my request," Crow: Looks like Ratliff's vocabulary list this week prominently featured the word "per". >Victoria began. "So Bill told me to meet him in the West Garden near the lily pond at eight. >I arrive just as the sun sets to discover him in a black tuxedo with tails. He asked me if I'd >care to join him for a little walk. Tom: [shakes head] All these tense changes are making me dizzy. >I said yes and he lead me to the gazebo were we met a string quartet, playing 'Some Enchanted Evening.' Nine: "Together we beat them senseless and continued on our way." >As they played he pressed a small box into my hand and asked me to open it. > "I opened it to discover a diamond ring. Looking up I find him on his knees. Mike: Wow. He must be really tall. Crow: "I'm huge!" >He said, 'Tory will you marry me.' I replied, 'Yes, what took you so long.'" Nine: "And I said it just like that. Completely flat and emotionless." > "What happened then?" Doctor Picard said after a moments silence. > "He took me out dancing," Victoria replied, her cheeks blushing. > "We didn't get back to the place Crow: "You see there was this thing, at the place, with the thing--" >until 4 o'clock this morning." > "I'd ask for details, but I don't think Marrissa wants to be late for her own wedding," Beverly replied. > "If I am it will ruin discipline on my ship," Marrissa responded. Tom: *laugh* You can't say the girl doesn't have priorities. >"I don't think you want to be responsible for the only ship in Starfleet to have a 120% efficiency >rating for 5 consecutive months not making 6 months." > "Heaven forbid," Victoria laughed. Nine [Marrissa]: "Are you mocking me?" Mike [Victoria]: "What? No, I was just-- NO! Not the garrotte! AAAGGGGGHHH! >"Well the carriages await, and so does the public." > > Outside the palace carriages were arrayed for the many distinguished guest's rides to the >cathedral of Saint Paul in Londondairy, Essex. Tom: What a =cheesy= place to hold a wedding! Crow: Oh, can you think of a =butter= place? Mike: Let's not =milk= the dairy jokes to death. >Among those guests who left first was the ruler of the Klingon High Counsel, Luteg and the heir to >the throne, K'ta daughter of Ka'less; there was a delegation from Cardassian, Legate Dukat and his >son Mikor, first officer of the Stargazer. Representing members of the Federation there was Laxwanna >Troi from Betazed, Sel Rahc Crevel from Nevolsia, and General Kira and Kia Winn from Bajor. Crow: "And I see Billy and Tommy and Susie and--" >From Starfleet there was Admiral Scott, who commanded Starfleet Engineering; Admiral Okie >of Starfleet Diplomatic; and even the elusive commander of Starfleet Intelligence, Admiral >Saavik was there. Tom: --chatting with JD Salinger. >All of Marrissa's former Captains and Commanding Officers were in a couple carriages. Captain >T'Gwen Washington of the Stargazer, Captain Riker of the Enterprise, and Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko, Crow: Oh, no! The dreaded Rear Admiral! *giggle* >Marrissa's current Commanding Officer, were all in one carriage. The ailing ex-Fleet Admiral >Necheyev was in another with Captain Chelsea Crusher and her husband and first-officer, Wesley. Tom: Hasn't anyone around here ever heard of a purely professional relationship? > Then came the royal carriages. In the first was Martin Sussex, and his mother, the >Duchess of Greenwich, Mary. Next came the Queens carriage Mike: Oh, you mean the E train. >with her and her fiance, the Prime Minister. Third was Clara's carriage, containing her father, >Daniel, the Duke of Yorkshire and Clara herself. Last in line was Marrissa's Carriage. Tom: Note that Marissa's Carriage gets a Capital Letter. >Fleet Admiral Jean Luc Picard helped his daughter up into the carriage and then his wife. Tom: He helped his daughter into his wife? Sick! Nine: Actually, I think I read a couple of those on alt.sex.stories.incest.lesbian. >After Marrissa was seated in her carriage, the procession from the palace to Saint Paul's began >with the first carriage's exiting the palace grounds. > Crowds of people lined the route. And flags on the lamp post alternated between M & J >and C & A in Gold on a blue background. Mike: And at the bottom of each flag was a big "4ever!!!" in smeared blue ballpoint pen. >As the carriages passed by the crowds strained to get a good look at the young Princesses, Marrissa and Clarrissa. Crow: --and their cousin from Massachusetts, Wicked Pissa. >The Royal Guard, mounted on horseback, had a hard time restraining them. Nine: From what? Making out? Mike: I think he means the crowds. Nine: Oh. >The going route being shorter than the post-wedding procession route, The carriages soon began >arriving at the cathedral. > Marrissa's carriage arrived at Saint Paul's just a minute ahead of schedule. Mike: "Just one lousy minute? That's it! No tip!" >It may be good luck for the bride to arrive late, but Marrissa didn't want her crew to have >evidence what so ever that she had ever been late for anything. It just wasn't good for discipline. Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type that washes her hands fifteen times a day? >As he father assisted her exit from the carriage, her four train bearers waited to make sure >the forty-five foot long train was displayed to it's fullest. Mike: I heard some guys in the locker room talking about Marrissa's caboose the other day. This must be what they meant. > The day was one that Marrissa was sure that she would remember for the rest of her life. >The sky was clear, with birds flying over head. The black stone gothic church stood adorned in wedding attire, Tom: --with a veil over the stained glass window and a garter around the steeple. >waiting for the brides to enter. So Clara and Marrissa entered, their fathers at their sides. > > Meanwhile on the Romulan side of the Neutral Zone, A dozen Romulan warbirds had gathered. >They were ready to destroy the ships orbiting the planet Essex. Crow: "Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my sneak attack!" >On the bridge of the flagship, Admiral Tistek stood admiring his fleet. Tom: That's why they call him the Admiral! >The Tal'shar representative stood beside him, ready to advise. One of the monitoring officers >approached. "You have more information?" Tistek inquired. Crow [tinny]: "What city please?" Mike: If there's one thing society needs, it's more information. > "Yes, Admiral," the officer replied. "The starship Nova has joined the group of ships. >In addition, monitoring Federation Press channels have revealed the reason for the concentration of forces. Tom: "They're trying to figure out one of those magic-eye puzzles!" Crow: Huh? Tom: Well, those things take a =lot= of concentration! Crow: *groan* >Captain Marrissa Picard, the heir to that world, is marrying her first officer. Crow: "Wh-- you can't marry your first officer! You get babies with nine heads!" >Most of the ships gathered have personal connections with her. Her cousin and Chief Engineer, >is also getting married, the other ships have connections with her." Tom: "And the Foot Ship's connected to the Leg Ship, the Leg Ship's connected to the Hip Ship..." > "The wedding is just an facade," the Tal'shar representative responded. "In fact, the >Tal'shar have recently found out that Captain Marrissa Picard is dead. Nine: Oh, I get the feeling that wouldn't stop Jay. >And as for the Nova, I wouldn't worry about it. According to our information it is suffering >from various malfunctions, and still lacks Tom: "--cable." >its accompaniment of fighters." > "Can you confirm the links of those ships to Crow: "--the Cindy Crawford Home Page?" >Captain Picard and her Chief Engineer?" Admiral Tistek asked. "I don't doubt that it's a facade, Tom: You can just hear Ratliff thinking "fa-kaid" as he typed that, can't you? >but I want to know how clever a one it is." > "The Enterprise is the flagship, and as such delivered the Fleet Admiral, her father," >the representative responded. "The Defiant delivered the crew of Deep Space Nine which was >briefly under Marrissa's Command. Mike: "--until the cast went on strike in protest." >The Stargazer was the ship where Captain Picard served as second officer. The Gorkon delivered >the Klingon contingent, which Captain Picard had served as Crow: --a lovely appetizer! >the Arbitrator of succession. The Pasteur is Marrissa's step-mother's ship. And the Clinton is >under the command of her step-sister-in-law. The Nova Tom: "--is under the command of her mother's stepbrother's adoptive niece's nephew's first-cousin-once- removed-in-law's former roommate!" >has the Chief Engineers father on it serving as Chief Engineer." > "Very neatly done," Tistek replied. "The most powerful ships and the most respected Captains >in the Federation, all gathered in one place, ready to invade. Crow: Ah, yes, the ever-popular one-pronged invasion. >Admiral Picard must be working overtime." > Moving toward the center of the bridge, he ordered, "All ships prepare to cross the zone. >Yellow alert." > The Romulan warbirds moved into formation. At the signal they began moving forward. >Moments later, they cloaked. Nine: Meanwhile, Jay and Marrissa began their honeymoon. Moments later, they uncloaked. [Commercials] [Continued in Part 7] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:27 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc. Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 7/9 [Continued from Part 6] >Chapter Twelve > > Inside Saint Paul's the bridesmaids and flower girls had proceeded down the aisle, and >now the organ began to play Crow: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? "A Whiter Shade of Pale"? >'Here Comes the Bride,' as the first of the two brides, Princess Clarrissa Sutter began to >proceed down the aisle holding her fathers hand. Nine: Meanwhile, in the back room, Mr. Sutter clutched the bloody stump of his wrist and tried to figure out what he'd done wrong. >Looking at the two, you would have never guessed that just a day before both of them had been >crawling though jefferies tubes, trying to fix problems with their respected ships. Mike: I think if I were a ship I'd prefer to be loved. >But Prince Daniel and his daughter Clara, had made a mastery of quick change overs as their >roles shifted often from grimy Chief Engineer to well dressed Prince(ss). Crow: I take it that's Stephen's attempt to render that weird symbol into ASCII? >Her gown was of white satin with fine white lace and golden trim around the collar. Her bridal >veil covered just barely her face. Tom: And Ratliff places just haphazardly his modifiers. >Her father was in his Starfleet dress uniform, freshly press with the rank he shared with his daughter, Mike: She has it Monday through Friday, he gets it weekends. >Lieutenant Commander, clearly visible. > After Clara's train had fully entered the church, the secondbride entered. >Captain Marrissa Picard was holding her father, Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard's hand. Tom: *laugh* And tell me, just how many children did his foot sire? >Her dress was rather elaborate, white satin with embroidered patterns of the royal house of Essex's arms, Mike: "Oh, what a lovely brocade anti-tank missile!" >and the current Starfleet logo. Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard had been forced to wear an >representative sample of his Crow: --urine. >awards on his dress uniform. Among the medals adorning his uniform were, the Order of the Defenders >of the Klingon Empire, the Order of the Knights of Essex, the Starfleet Metal of Valor with silver >palms, and the Federation Congress Order of Merit for Saving Earth, all awards which Marrissa shared. Tom: Of course. She also has a Nobel Prize in Economics, an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay and two consecutive Heisman Trophies. > As they approached the alter Clara split to the left and her father handed her hand to Alexander. >Admiral Picard did the same with Marrissa's hand on the right, but of course to Jay. Mike: Nice save! >As they settled into their proper places, the Pope began to speak, "Dearly beloved, we are >gathered here to witness the joining of these two couples, Jay and Marrissa, and Alexander and Clarrissa. Crow: And Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. >Is their anyone here who knows of any reason why they should not be joined together today in holy matrimony?" Nine: Because the four of them together barely reach the age of consent? > There was a brief pause, no one spoke up. Although some in the press had objected to >Clara marrying a Klingon, Crow: Ah, I see the National Review is still publishing. >there had be an immediate overwhelming response saying that she should marry who ever she pleased, >so no one objected today. After the pause, the Pope continued, "As their are no objections, I ask, >Clarrissa Ann Sutter, do you come of your own free will Nine: "Are you kidding? If I could do that I wouldn't need this guy!" >to take this Alexander Rozhenko as your husband, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, >till death do you part?" > "I do," Clara responded. > "And do you Alexander Rozhenko take this Clarrissa Ann Sutter Tom [Alexander]: "No, I think I'd rather have that one over there." >as your wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" the Pope asked > "I do," Alexander replied with gusto. Crow: My feelings are more akin to disgusto. > As per arrangement, he then went to the second couple, and asked, "Marrissa Amber Flores >Picard, do you come of your own free will to take this Jay Alan Gordon as your husband, for richer, > for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Mike [Marrissa]: "Well that's just silly! =I= can't die!" > "I do," Marrissa responded solemnly. > Then the Pope asked Jay, "Do you Jay Alan Gordon, take this Marrissa Amber Flores Picard >as your wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" Nine [Marrissa]: "He does! Now get on with it!" > "I do," Jay said with a smile. > "Bring forth the rings!" the Pope ordered. Nine-year-old Nicholas Picard came forward with the rings Mike: --but suddenly turned and ran and hid behind a stack of hymn books. >which were tied to a pillow by the names of each of the people who were about to receive them. >(Necessary because every one of them had different ring sizes.) > "Gentlemen, take the appropriate rings and repeat after me," the Pope began, and after a moment continued. Tom [Pope]: "No, no, Alexander, don't eat it--" >"With this ring I thee wed." > "With this ring I thee wed," Alexander and Jay said almost together as they slid the rings >on their brides fingers. Crow: It's Automatic Double Tracking! > "Now Princesses, repeat the procedure," the Pope ordered. > "With this ring I thee wed," Marrissa and Clara said with the practiced unity of two >people who said things in unison allot, Mike: They're the Federation's answer to Rockapella. >sliding the ring on their new husbands. Nine [Marrissa]: "I'll just put this around your neck, dear. Now where's my leash?" > "I pronounce you husbands and wives," the Pope proclaimed. "You may now kiss the bride." > Jay lifted up Marrissa's veil and Alex, Clara's. Both men began passionate kisses of their >new wives to the applause of those gathered inside the church. Mike [Pope]: "No, no, Marrissa-- not here-- put that back on--" > Meanwhile, in orbit of the Planet, Ensign Patterson Supra was enjoying his first command of >a starship since graduating from the Academy. Having been a Kid's Crew Captain, he knew both the joys and >pressures of command. Tom: Comfy chair: good. Bleeding ulcer: bad. >He was only eighteen years old, but he knew more about commanding starships then most of the people >left in command of the starships orbiting the planet, with the exception of the monk that Pope >Gregory left in command of the Trinity, a former starship Captain who disenchanted with Starfleet >entered the monastery, only to end up as one of Pope Gregory's starship crew. Crow: Ah, the irony. Mike: Even =Ratliff= has a better grasp of what irony is than Alanis Morissette. > Knowing that a starship Captain should be well informed about everything that is happening nearby Tom: --even if that means wiretapping people's phones, opening their mail, hiding in their closets... >and having some experience in command of the Enterprise, Ensign Supra was the only one who was monitoring >the Romulan border among those orbiting Essex. He was the only one that saw the Romulans warp toward Essex, >and then cloak. After double checking the recording, he decided that he better Crow: "--nuke 'em! Get them before they get you!" Mike: He's Starfleet's answer to Alexander Haig. >call his Captain. Looking at the time he saw that the wedding was probably over by now so he >had no qualms about calling Captain Marrissa Picard of the Starship Endeavor. Crow: "Yeah, Ah figger now that she's got that weddin' outta th' way she'll purdy much have the afternoon free!" Tom: This guy seems to have weddings confused with the buffet lunch at Shakey's. > Marrissa was just about to make the run through the rice to the Mike: --last helicopters out of Saigon? >carriage and the ride to the palace, when her communicator beep. > "Endeavor to Captain Picard," it said. > "Picard here," she replied. "This had better be important Patterson." > "It is," Patterson replied. Crow: "Where do you keep your Bactine? I got a paper cut!" >"The Romulans are headed this way, a dozen warbirds, ETA ninety minutes." > "Standby, Patterson," Marrissa said. "Dad! Tory!" > Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard and Queen Victoria of Essex pushed though the crowd >moving into position to throw rice at the exiting couples. "What is it Marrissa?" her father asked. Nine: "Jay keeps touching me! Make him stop!" > "Apparently the Romulans have chosen to ruin my wedding day," Marrissa replied. All: *wild cheers* Crow: I'm moving to Romulus tomorrow. >"A dozen warbirds are on course to Essex." > "Let me guess, you need your schedule rearranged so that you can go get rid of them," >Queen Victoria said. Mike: "Well that's just tough! I'm paying these caterers three hundred dollars an hour and I'm not going to sit there and watch them serve shrimp balls and artichoke dip to each other!" >"I'll see too it, and I'll get any Starship Captain I see to recall their people to their ships." > "Tell them that it's an order from the Fleet Admiral," Picard said. "We'll do the battle >arrangements via a conference call. Crow: "While we're at it, sign me up for that Star-69 thing! And call waiting, gotta have the call waiting!" >Now Marrissa, please tell me that you have a plan for the defense of Essex." > "I do," Marrissa replied. "It involves the use of one Nova class Starship, one Galaxy class, >one Nebula II class, one Defiant class, one Excelsior class, one Hope class, one Stargazer fighter carrier, one >Intrepid Class, and one ship commanded by the Pope." Mike: "It also involves a frisbee, three racquetballs, a 40-ouncer of malt liquor and a rhesus monkey." > "How is it that you have a plan that fits us so exactly?" Admiral Jean-Luc Picard asked. > "Simple, I knew someone would try to ruin my wedding day," Marrissa replied. Tom: "I assumed it'd be Dustin Hoffman, but Romulans'll do in a pinch." >"And planned accordingly. So which ship do you want to be aboard?" > "Yours, you haven't scratched a starship yet," her father responded. > "Captain Picard to Endeavor, recall all personnel," Marrissa ordered."Myself and the Fleet >Admiral to beam up, procedure delta one five." Nine [tinny]: "We're sorry, Delta flight one-five has been cancelled. We can transfer you to America West flight two-thirty-nine leaving from Gate 14, though." > Captain Marrissa Picard materialized on the bridge of the Endeavor with Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. >Captain Picard had materialized with only the veil and tiara of her wedding dress remaining. Crow: Oh, wow! Nothing livens up a story like gratuitous nudity! >The rest had been replaced with a Starfleet Captain's uniform. Tom: Uh, when exactly did she get a chance to change? Isn't that kind of a tricky thing to do in mid- teleport? >She quickly removed the tiara and veil and moved toward the center seat. > "Report, Patterson," she ordered. Mike [Patterson]: "No change in interest rates this quarter! Three killed in South Side shootout! Unseasonably cold temperatures to continue through Thursday! In sports, Cubs lose their fifth straight!" > "Roughly five minutes ago I was monitoring the Romulan side of the Neutral Zone with the >Endeavors enhanced sensor array," Patterson reported. Nine: And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the girls' locker room happens to be located in the area. Uh-huh. >"I detected a dozen Romulan warbirds on a direct course Tom: [does double-take] Whoa! Check it out -- Ratliff spelled "course" right! This is getting scary! >to Essex. As they neared the border they cloaked. I just received a report form the border that our >tachynon web detection grid has been sabotaged." > "I told Admiral Cen'tal that his security was too lax," the Fleet Admiral commented. Crow: He must be using Netscape. > "Status on returning officers?" Marrissa asked. > "All members of the Endeavor's command crew are on their way to the bridge," Patterson replied. >"Currently no one is assigned as security chief." Tom: And they wonder why they have problems with security. Yeah, Starfleet's a reeeeal bright bunch. > "Get Shayna up here to man that," Marrissa replied. "Patterson, take the helm. Hail all the > other starships." > > Meanwhile down on the Planet, Queen Victoria was beginning to address the crowd. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Nine: "--and I mean only the ladies and gentlemen -- you plebes can crawl back to your hovels--" >due to a Starfleet Emergency Princess Marrissa and her crew and those of the other starships in >orbit are needed aboard their ships," she began. > "Therefore we are rescheduling some of the events. The rice throwing will occur Tom: "--shortly before our fiery deaths!" >before they leave for their honeymoons in front of the palace, after the reception. The >reception will begin once the Emergency ends. Crow: I knew that in the event of an actual emergency we would receive news and instructions. But I had no idea this is what they meant. >The post-wedding procession, in a slightly altered order will be their route out of the city >following the reception. The reception will be held in the Royal Palace's Enterprise wing, >invitation only." Crow: Looks like Nine was right about the plebes. Nine: Hey, do I know the British or do I know the British? > She concluded her remarks with a request, "If anyone has seen Jackie Picard, please >see me, I seem to have lost track of her." At that the eleven-year-old flower girl tackled >the Queen from behind. Tom [John Facenda]: "But for Queen Victoria and the Green Bay Packers, there would be another day." Mike: For us too, I hope. Can we go? Tom: Yup. C'mon. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow is at the desk wearing a pair of enormous pointy ears.] Crow [British]: "For some reason I wish I were a tampon, even though I know it is not logical." Heh heh. Hello! I'm Crow T. Robot. You may have noticed that in today's experiment, half of Starfleet seems to be composed of members of the Essex royal family. So we thought it might be fun to see what it might be like if Starfleet were made up of real royals! [Enter Tom. He is painted yellow and is wearing a frumpy purple hat.] Tom [flat British falsetto]: "I calculate that there is a 99.59588% chance that I represent an archaic, exploitative political system that caused misery and hardship for countless millions over the centuries." Crow: Wow! That sounded completely flat and emotionless! Way to go on the Data impression! Tom: Who's Data? [Enter Nine and Gypsy, wearing tiaras and big teeth. Nine's hair is redder than its usual Marrissa-blonde.] Gypsy [British]: "Here we are on a gravelly British beach! My empathic senses tell me that there aren't any tabloid reporters around -- let's take off our tops!" Nine [British]: "Good idea! I have my SPF 240 sunblock right here so our pasty skin doesn't get scorched!" Crow: Okay, that's not bad, but Nine -- could you go a little chunkier? You've got too much Gates McFadden in there and not enough Fergie. [Enter Mike, wearing a shapeless granny dress. He looks about 170 years old.] Mike [elderly British falsetto]: "Hath anyone theen my falth teef?" Nine: Who're you supposed to be? Mike: The Queen Mum. Can't you tell? Nine: I mean, which Starfleet officer? Mike: Well, let me do my other line. "And hath anyone theen... my hairpeeth?" All: Shatner! [Yellow light flashes] Nine: We'll be right back. Mike: "Make it tho!" [Commercials] [Continued in Part 8] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:36 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 8/9 [Continued from Part 7] [Back in the theater.] >Chapter Thirteen > > The Great Conference Battle Strategy Call had just begun. Mike: MCI stock shot up thirty points within the first fifteen seconds. >Hailing from the Endeavor were Captain Marrissa Amber Picard, and Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. > From the Defiant, Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko; from the Enterprise, Captain William T. Riker; >from the Gorkon, Captain Jadzia Dax; from the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington; from the Nova, >Captain Geordi LaForge; From the Pasteur, Captain Beverly Picard; from the Clinton, Captain >Chelsea Crusher; and from the Trinity, Pope Gregory the twentieth. Crow: Hold on... I think I can make out Waldo in there somewhere... >"Welcome to the Romulan's wedding present for my daughter," Admiral Picard said. Mike: Hey, it beats a blender. > "Then, someone needs to tell them what is appropriate for a wedding present, Admiral," >Captain LaForge replied. Tom [LaForge]: "I was thinking maybe a nice monogrammed silverware set. What do you think, Worf?" Crow [Worf]: "Silverware is not honorable!" > "I really wish some one would," Captain Riker replied. "They gave me a battle for my >last birthday." Mike: "And here I had my heart set on that Soloflex!" > "We can pray that they learn proper etiquette," the Pope interjected. "but I'm afraid >such prayers would help us little in our upcoming battle." Nine: "After all, everyone knows there's no such thing as God! Er... I mean... oh, dear..." > "True, so I asked Starfleet's leading tactical expert to come up with a plan," Admiral >Picard said. "Marrissa, your plan please?" Crow: "Well, I think I'll put my flag in the corner, surround it with bombs, and then keep a few Sevens around in case some Miners break through the front line!" > "The odds are 12 Romulan ships verse our seven ships," Marrissa began. "Not fair ... >for them. Before I begin I need to know some things. Captain LaForge, fighter status on your vessel?" > "All 500 loaded, pilots at alert status," LaForge replied. Mike: All 500 pilots are loaded? Nine: Yeah, that sounds about right. > "Captain Washington?" Marrissa asked. > "28 at launch readiness, 15 at alert status," Washington reported. Tom: "And seven kind of drowsy." > "That should be all," Marrissa said. "The Endeavor, the Defiant, the Enterprise, and >the Gorkon will be our first wave, which will attempt to damage as much and as many warbirds as possible. Crow: Damage as much warbirds? >The second wave will be the fighters from the Nova and Stargazer, 45 to 46 fighters per warbird. >Make strafing runs and watch out for return fire and other ships and fighters, it's going to be close out there. Mike: Heh. Reminds me of how back in junior high we only had one indoor basketball court so on rainy days we'd end up playing like 16-on-23 or 21-on-27. Crow: Uhh... that's nice. >The third wave will be the Stargazer, the Clinton, and the Nova, Captain LaForge, you may >separate your ship at your discretion. Tom: You mean he can run away if he gets scared? >The fourth wave will be the first plus the Trinity and the Pasteur. Crow: "Oh my God! We're being invaded! Quick, send in the Red Cross and the Roman Catholic Church!" >The Trinity and Pasteur's goals are to keep them from leaving. The Pasteur is also to test >that shield design that you've got, Nine: "If it doesn't work and you get blown up, let me know." >pick up any fighter pilot who's craft is disabled. During the fourth wave's attack any reloading >that the fighters need is to be done. From the fifth wave, if needed, on the Second, Third, and >Fourth waves are to be repeated. Crow: Yeah, yeah, shampoo, rinse, repeat! We've =got= it, Marrissa! > "If by chance, the first wing is followed during the switch Tom: Jimmy Smits. >over between them and the second wing, the Trinity and Pasteur are to assist in clearing them of >opposition," Marrissa said. Crow: "The party of the first part shall be held liable for infractions against the party of the second part up to and including but not limited to actions constituting breach of contract as assessed by the party of the third part..." >"I doubt the Romulans will follow the second, the third wing will be cleared of opposition by >the arrival of the fourth and the same their after." > "Any comments, Captains, Admiral's, and Pope?" Marrissa asked. Mike: "Uh, yeah. If they come out in a 4-3 formation should we audible to a stunt reverse, or--" > Their were none, so Admiral Picard said, "The Endeavor will be my flagship. >Chain of Command is myself, Admiral Sisko, Captain Marrissa Picard, Captain Riker, Captain LaForge, >Captain Washington, Captain Beverly Picard, Captain Crusher, Captain Dax, and last the Pope." Crow: "Then the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, all other Supreme Court Justices, all federal judges, all postal workers, all sanitation workers, and then Dan Quayle." > "Ah, my preferred position," the Pope responded. Tom: What the hell does that mean? > "Now ladies and gentlemen, we wait for our late wedding guests," Picard said. > "Truly, I don't know them," the Pope said. "But I think I'll be a lot more harsh to these >wedding guests then the groom in the parable. They were only late, these are trying to force their way in." Crow: Gregory Part XX: He's Tanned, He's Rested and He's Ready to Kick Some Romulan Ass!" > "And this planet doesn't take kindly to people forcing their way in," Marrissa, Heir to Essex responded. Mike: You mean like pushy Starfleet officers? > "First wave attacks at the number one, Endeavor out," Captain Picard said. > "Dad, do I have permission to give our regards to the Romulans when they arrive?" Marrissa asked. >"I do hold the position of Commander in Chief of the Essex Space Defense Force, as meaningless as the title may be." Tom: "Meaningless? Why, that entitles you to a free pig every month!" > "I'd be delighted, Marrissa," Admiral Picard said. "It might even convince them to leave, >with your reputation." Nine: So she's one of those girls with a rep! > "I don't think my reputation as a starship captain is strong enough to cause them to go >running," Marrissa said. "I'm no James T. Kirk." Crow: Yeah, Shatner has a better sing-along album. Nine: You haven't lived till you've heard Marrissa's rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings". > While Marrissa had been discussing battle plans, her command crew had quietly arrived >and were beginning to take their stations. As she noticed Alexander taking his station, she >turned around and asked, "Ships status?" Tom [Alexander]: "AHH! Don't =do= that!" > "All personnel aboard," her first officer and husband, Commander Jay Gordon replied. > "Warp, Impluse, and Thrusters available," her chief engineer and cousin, Lieutenant >Commander Clara Sutter-Rozhenko responded. Nine: "Mmm... thrusters... no, after the battle! =After= the battle!" > "Phasers and Photon Torpedoes on-line and awaiting your order," Lieutenant Shayna Sachs, >acting-as-a Chief of Security informed. Mike: Sounds more like she's acting as a Time-Life operator. > "Tractor beams, ready; scrabbled tight beam communication Tom: Hey, that's good for a triple-word score! >channels arranged with a code change rotation set for every three minutes," her Chief of Operations >and husband of her Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko informed. Mike: Is there any way we could just get a program or something so Ratliff doesn't have to keep repeating everyone's title and family relationship? > "Helm ready for orders," Ensign Patterson Supra informed. Tom: Really? I thought you needed to spend more time in the novitiate! > "Shayna, scan for signs of incoming Romulan vessels," Marrissa said. Crow [Shayna]: "Sure, okay-- oh my God! Marrissa! The Romulan vessels are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!" >"Link up with the Essex Detection Network." > "Detection Network?" Admiral Picard asked. Tom [Marrissa]: "Yeah, Viacom's got it sharing space with the Golf Channel now." > "I told the Prime Minister that one would be advisable when they started to produce fighters," >Marrissa replied. "Essex is of more strategic importance than we let on." Mike: That must be why the Danes invaded in 991. > "EDN has detected signs of Romulan Warbirds hiding at 0 mark 0 distance 200 kilometers," Shayna informed. >"A dozen such are defined." Crow: "--mostly as adverbs." > "Alexander, hail the Romulans for me," Marrissa said. "Shayna, turn up the lights so >we can see them if you will." Tom: Marrissa's just dumb enough to think that if they can't see her, she can't see them. > "A dozen full yield torpedoes ready at your command," Shayna replied. > "Full yield?" Admiral Picard inquired. > "I don't do half measures," Captain Marrissa Picard said. Mike [Picard]: "But-- =full yield= torpedoes? Those'll destroy everything in this sector! Including us!" Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up, old man! There's no room for wusses in my army!" >"They will either answer my hail, decloak to prevent their destruction, or be blown to pieces. Nine: "Of course they'll be blown to pieces in any case, but we have to keep up appearances!" >In any cause, sneaking up on someone is not nice. Of course that doesn't prevent me from using >such tactics, but they will regret trying to do them on me." Crow: Jesus! She makes Stalin look like a chapter director for Amnesty International! > "A dozen warbirds decloaking," Shayna informed. > "The leading warbird is hailing us," Alexander said. > "On Screen," Marrissa replied. Admiral Tistek appeared on the bridge of his flagship, >standing proudly. Mike: "Look, no hands!" >"This is Captain Marrissa Amber Picard of the Federation Starship Endeavor, as head of the Essex >Defense force, heir to this planet, and as a representative of Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, >I must ask you what you are doing with a dozen heavy armed warbirds inside the Angelica System. Crow: Uhh... the backstroke? Mike: Ba-dum-bum. Crow: Thank you, I'll be here all night. >If you've come for my wedding, your a little late." > "We did not come for some mythical wedding," Admiral Tistek said. "We came to destroy you." Tom: Wait a minute! I thought the reason he didn't believe in the wedding was because he thought she was dead! If he knows she isn't dead, why does he still doubt the wedding? > "I'd advise against that," Marrissa replied. "I am offering you one chance to withdraw." Mike [bored]: "Stop. *bang bang* Stop or I'll shoot. *bang bang bang* I'm warning you." > "We choose to destroy you," the Admiral replied, defiantly. > "Sorry, not an option, Endeavor out," Marrissa replied. Nine: "Y'know, normally I'd spend more than fifteen seconds attempting to find a peaceful solution, but I haven't killed anyone in almost three whole weeks!" >"Alex, send first wave. Patterson, coarse 0 mark 2 full impluse, evasive pattern rotation four, Mozart Symphonies. Mike: "Uh... things a captain would say in a bad piece of fanfic! Meaningless pseudo-military technobabble! Pass!" >Shayna target warbirds as we go by. Clara, I want as much power as possible deverted to phasers." Crow: "Life support? Who needs life support? I want those Romulans crispy- fried!" > "Aye, Captain," Clara, Alexander and Patterson replied in unison. Tom: Commanding a ship is so much easier when your crew is comprised entirely of pods! > The Endeavor lead the Defiant, the Enterprise, and the Gorkon toward the Romulan formation. >The Endeavor ran right down the center, Crow: --and took it to the hoop for two! >firing at each as it past over the top of the vessels. Although all of the Romulan vessels were >of the same class not all of them were in the same condition. Mike: All Romulans are equal, but some Romulans are more equal than others. >The second warbird they passed blew up in a blaze of glory Nine: Ah, glorious carnage. >as the Endeavor fired down it's length. Turning slightly to the left she began strafing two more >as the other starships reached the Romulans. Tom [singing]: o/~ Ten twenty thirty forty fifty or more, the bloody Red Baron was rollin' up the score... o/~ > The Enterprise went down the left flank of the Romulan formation firing on each in turn. >The Defiant did the same to the right flank, destroying the first vessel to the right of the point man. > The Gorkon ran do the middle, hitting the vessel at point and strafing the two vessels that >the Endeavor had turned from in favor of those to the port. Crow: I'm betting that when Marrissa watched the Odessa Steps sequence of BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN she rooted for the Cossacks. > "Turn us around Patterson," Marrissa ordered. "Take us up the right flank of the formation." Nine: "I think I might have missed a few women and children!" > "Alexander, have the second wave begin their run," Admiral Picard ordered. > > The Endeavor arched around behind the Romulan forces, then began speeding back along the >Romulan line. She fired shot after shot at the warbirds as she passed. Torpedo after torpedo impacted the >Romulan shields. Crow: Special fight choreography courtesy of Demetrius Pietz! >No ship escaped unharmed from the power of the Starfleet vessels. Meanwhile the Romulan disrupter >fire danced off the full shields of the Nebula II class starship. Mike: I think it's a pretty safe bet Marrissa has her Nintendo set on permanent "god mode." > As the Endeavor moved along the right side of the Romulan front, the Gorkon did the same >on the left and the Defiant and the Enterprise went up though the middle. As they cleared the >Romulans they were greeted by the incoming fighters. Crow: "Hi! Welcome to Essex! Can I get your coat?" >As the first wave retreated to a safe distance, the fighters began to do their job. Tom: Good. The last thing this country needs is more fighters on welfare. >Chapter Fourteen > > On the bridge of the Romulan flagship, things were not going well. Crow: It was like a Washington Generals' locker room. >"Status of fleet," Admiral Tistek asked. > "The Bloodfire and the Distructor have been destroyed," an aid replied. "The Relentless >has suffered complete shield failure. Most ships report that shields are down to half." Tom: Ooh, the suspense. Ratliff probably thinks DIE HARD would've been a lot more exciting if Alan Rickman had been killed off in the first reel. > "Move the Relentless to the rear," Admiral Tistek ordered. "Form up for a counter attack." > "Small craft incoming," the Romulan tactical officer said. Mike: "Small craft"... yeah, that's a pretty accurate summary of Ratliff's writing skills. >"Five hundred fifty of them." > "Five hundred fifty shuttles, where do they get five hundred fifty shuttles," Tistek muttered. Crow: Umm... Price Club? >"Oh well, their just cannon fodder. Take out the shuttles at your leisure." > > Meanwhile, Admiral Picard was receiving reports as to his fleets status. Tom: Copycat! I suppose if Tistek jumped off a bridge you would too? > "The Enterprise reports shields at 70 percent, but they think they'll be up to 100 Crow: Yeah, that's what you said about soybeans! I lost 50 G's on that tip! >before they're sent in again," Alexander informed. "The Gorkon's shields are at 50 percent with >the same comment. The Defiant reports shields at 90 percent." > "Clara, status of Endeavor?" Marrissa asked. Mike [Clara]: "Hmm? Oh, we've got a major hull breach. I figure about five seconds before we're sucked into the screaming void of space." > "Shields at 80 percent, but we've developed a small drop in shield efficiency in the aft >portside area," Clara replied. Tom: This story's giving me a pain in my aft portside area. >"Request permission to go and personally track it down." > "Granted," Marrissa replied. Mike: Filling in for Slim Pickens tonight is Clarissa Ann Sutter-Rozhenko! > Meanwhile the fighters were having some fun with the Romulan warbirds. Crow: "Whee! Wholesale slaughter is fun!" >They dodged right, left, up, and down, avoiding Romulan disrupter fire. So far only two ships >had been hit and it looked like the fighters would soon even up the score. Seven wings of >seven fighters bore down on one Romulan warbird. Tom: "As I was going to St. Ives I met a fleet with seven wings, and every wing had seven fighters..." >The Phaser fire was intense. The shields of the warbird flared, then collapsed, enabling a >wing to run a quick pass along the Crow: --far sideline for a touchdown! Gotta love the run-and-shoot! >Romulan warp engines. As they retreated to a safer distance, another warbird was pushed >closer to the doomed Romulan. The doomed ship exploded. The pieces hit the other Romulan. > As the fighters retreated a little more the second Romulan exploded. Tom: Doh! Mike: Wow. I've never actually seen anyone pick up a seven-ten split before! > Then the fighters began retreating to their rendezvous point. The third wave was on >it's way. The Nova, the first of it's class and the Stargazer, the first Federation fighter >carrier in 90 years were not ships to laugh about. Nine: Don't worry, Stephen. We're all too busy laughing about your sentence structure. >The Nova was top of the line with four torpedo bays and 26 phaser arrays when docked. >Its saucer warp engines glowed with contained power, power which it was about to release >on the Romulans. Crow: Whoa! Save it for the honeymoon scene! >The Stargazer was nothing to laugh about either. Mike: Ratliff suddenly seems awfully paranoid about his ships being laughed about. Tom: Let's all spend about three seconds psychoanalyzing that one, shall we? >Its three warp cores gave it power to spare and it was by no means defenseless Nine: Ratliff, on the other hand, is by all means defensive... >with it's 13 phaser arrays when it's fighters were away. > The Nova, the Clinton, and Stargazer closed on the scattered Romulan forces, firing >at warbird after warbird. Soon the Nova began to make Romulan ships into it's namesake, as >first one, then two, and finally three ships died under the phaser fire of the largest ship in Starfleet. Crow: Not to mention the wackiest! >The Stargazer didn't destroy any warbirds, but it made sure that soon it's Captain would only be gazing >upon the stars instead of the Romulan menace. The Clinton also failed to take any warbirds out, but >Captain Crusher managed to knock out the sheilds on several before being ordered to withdraw. Mike: However, the crews of both ships received a number of fabulous parting gifts. Tom: "A food processor! I've always wanted one of these! And what's this? The ROYAL WEDDING Home Game! Fan-tastic!" > "Ready for fourth wave," Admiral Picard ordered. > "Alex, I want finger Crow: Oh, I'll give you the finger, all right! >threes, " Marrissa said. "Defiant, Gorkon, Pasteur, push them towards Endeavor, Enterprise, and Trinity." > "All ships acknowledge," Alexander replied. Mike: A couple years from now when they bring him up on war crimes charges I'm sure he'll say he was just following orders. > The Nova and Stargazer retreated toward their fighters, to pick them up Tom: "Hey, baby, live around here much?" >and ready them for reloading, the Clinton guarding their backs. Nine: Funny, I've always found Clinton to be mainly concerned with guarding his own back. >The Romulans attempted to follow, but found the Defiant, the Gorkon and the Pasteur in their way. >The three fully charged Starfleet vessels forced the five remaining Romulan warbirds into retreat, >toward the Endeavor, the Enterprise and the Trinity. The Pasteur fired a hard volley at one Romulan, >to distract it while it recovered a damaged fighter pilot. The blast caused the Romulan to go nova, >like it's comrades before it. Crow: Distracted, dead, same basic idea. Mike: I've found that corpses don't really have lengthy attention spans. > Then the Romulans ran into the waiting threesome. Nine: Kinky. Crow: Hey, I think I rented this! Next the gardener wanders in and the fun =really= starts! >The Enterprise, and the Trinity both destroyed a warbird. The remaining Romulan took off, like a bat out of hell. Mike: How does Ratliff come up with these fresh, innovative metaphors? >The Gorkon shot after. The experience of the 338 year-old Trill was too much for the warbird >and the Romulan was quickly shot down. Tom: I'd attribute it less to experience and more to the lack of compunction to cravenly shoot someone in the back. > After the last Romulan was finished off, Fleet Admiral Picard said, "I believe we have >a Wedding Ball to attend, although after this battle it might as well be called a Victory Ball." Crow: I'll make sure to order a case of Victory Gin. > "I believe so, but that does mean I'll have to get into an elaborate dress again," >Marrissa replied. "I wish I could wear the dress uniform like the guys get too." Nine: Thanks for sharing, Elly May. > "Personally Marrissa, I think your lucky," Jay responded. Crow [Jay]: "You get to drape yourself in those soft, feminine fabrics... oh, the feel of angora against your skin... so supple, so... exciting..." >"You don't have to put up with this ridiculous collar." Tom [Marrissa]: "Oh, you'll get used to it soon enough. Now where did I put my cuffs...?" > Down on the planet, Queen Victoria had just been notified of the victory against Mike: --Eurasia? Eastasia? >the Romulans. The non-Starfleet guests had returned to the Palace and the crowds had filled >the square below the Royal balcony. Crow: Marrissa then had them loaded into trains and driven into the sea. >The Queen stepped out on to the balcony and surveyed the crowd below. Nine: "Wh-- these are peasants! Filthy, disgusting peasants! Where's my handpicked cast of professional extras?" >It was a subdued crowd, Crow: Ah, Clippers fans. >worried about the battle that had gone on above their heads, worried about their Princesses and >their new husbands, worried about their own heads. Mike: Every single one of them was preoccupied with the question of whether to switch to a dandruff shampoo. > The Queen moved forward to speak, "My loyal subjects, I bring you good news. Tom: "The chocolate ration has been raised from thirty grams to twenty!" >Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, father of our beloved heir, has informed me of the results of the >battle against the Romulans. All the Romulans are dead, with only minor losses." The crowd began to cheer. Mike: "Hurray! We're responsible for genocide!" Nine: "And as for our sons and daughters who gave up their lives just so Marrissa could satisfy her unquenchable bloodlust -- well, they had to go sometime! Hurray!" >"The Princesses and their husbands will be returning to Essex for their ball before going off on >their honeymoon." Crow: I thought they were supposed to wait until =during= the honeymoon for that... > Moments later, Princess Marrissa, and her husband Jay, and Princess Clarrissa and her >husband Alexander matterialized on the balcony. The crowd cheered for thier defenders, thier >well loved Princesses. Nine: Oh, we'll see about that soon enough. Crow [Jay]: "Hey, I'm under enough pressure here!" >They cheered for the people who had given Essex a reason to be proud. Mike: They're almost as proud of Marrissa and company as they are of their concentration camp directors. Tom: They're cheering now, but I wouldn't want to be around for the Two Minutes Hate. >They cheered for the Captain, the Heir to the throne on Essex, whose deeds made them proud to >be citizens of a planet which boasted such a brave Princess. Tom: "Brave"? Crushing a vastly outclassed force is "brave"? Conspiring with the top dozen officers in Starfleet to wipe out one deluded crackpot is "brave"? Firing on and destroying fleeing ships full of relative innocents is "brave"? Nine: Well, you have to understand. Desert Storm is the only war Ratliff has ever known. He's been brought up to believe carpet bombing is heroic. >They cheered for Captain Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, Mike: "Marrissa"? I don't believe I'm familiar with that character. Who's she? >hier to the throne of Essex, Princess of Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy, the much decorated captain >of the Starship Endeavour. Mike: Oh, okay. Thanks. [Commercials] [Concluded in Part 9] From: a.cadre1@genie.com Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 04:20:06 GMT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 9/9 [Continued from Part 8] >Chapter Fifteen > > After leaving the balcony, the newlyweds made their way to the ball room. Already, >most of the guests had arrived. The Klingon contingent was discussing Starship Tactics Nine: Don't these people have any =hobbies=? >with some of the Chiefs of Security from the assembled Starfleet vessels. Tom: Some assembly required. Batteries not included. >Glinn Dukat Mikor and his father Legate Dukat were discussing the merits of the newest one >seated Essex fighter, the Essex-10-D with Captain LaForge and his fighter commander, Lieutenant Commander Matt Grubb. Mike: He's not a bad pilot, but his hygiene could use some work. >Martin Sussex, Earl Flores, was talking with Counselor Troi about the possible problems that >could arise from the marriage of his commanding officers. Tom [Troi]: "Wait for the first time a dispute breaks out on the bridge and then watch the dishes fly!" > Entering the room, Marrissa announced, "Sorry we're late, but some Romulans thought >that now would be a good time to take Essex. I had to explain their error with a rather large bat." Crow: "Ah yoozed mah lucky baby-seal-clubbin' bat!" Mike: Sports metaphors make genocide even more fun! > "That's OK, Marrissa," Commander Dukat Mikor replied. "We certainly didn't want them >to attend in such a mood." Tom: I know comedy equals tragedy plus time, but it's only been five minutes since the slaughter! > "Since we are a little late for a reception line, Clara has suggested that we hand out >the cake," Marrissa said. "I've been waiting to see what Guinan and Mary have come up with in >the way of cakes, any way." Crow: "And it better damn well be crammed full of strawberries!" > At that Guinan spoke up, "In that case, the wedding cakes are behind that curtain." Mike: Pay no attention to the man... there. >The curtain was drawn back revealing the wedding cakes for both couples. They were shaped like >the Starship Endeavor, right down to the hull markings. Tom: And they tasted just like the Endeavor, too! >Not only that but they were big, Mike: Well, Marrissa's was, anyway. Alex and Clara's was the size of a matchbox. >the saucer itself was a good 5 feet across Tom: They must have some mighty big cups around here. Crow: I knew Marrissa loved her coffee, but this is ridiculous! >and it's thinnest dimension was two inches, the thickest being over six. Crow [Jay]: "Hey, I'm under enough pressure here!" Nine: Even the cake is conspiring to make Jay look inadequate. >Standing on the upper arch of each cake were miniatures of the the newlyweds. Tom: Great, Marrissa action figures. >"Only the upper arch and the saucer are cake, so don't try to cut the warp engines." Mike [Alexander]: *crunch* *crunch* *gulp* "Oops." > Then Marrissa noticed a small error in the design, Crow [Marrissa]: "Who put cloven hoofs on my figurine? Is this someone's idea of a joke?" >"Guinan, I don't know about you but last time I checked the Endeavor's registration wasn't >NCC-1701-E," Marrissa noted. > "OOPS," Guinan muttered. "Force of habit." Mike: *groan* Tom: What? Mike: Get it? Guinan, Whoopi Goldberg, SISTER ACT, "force of =habit="... Tom: Umm... I think you're reading =way= too much into this. > "Oh well, Captain Riker has been accusing me of wanting his chair since he got it," >Marrissa said. "I don't think he will mind me borrowing his registration, will you Captain?" Crow [Riker]: "Nope! Why don't you just take my testicles while you're at it?" > "Not at all Marrissa, I'm almost done with the Enterprise anyway," Riker replied. Tom: He makes it sound like a gym towel. > "So their is truth to the rumors," Captain T'Gwen Washington said. "Captain Marrissa >Picard may get your chair then." Crow [Riker]: "I dunno about that, but I sure wouldn't mind her grabbing my seat! Hyuk hyuk!" > "Tell me Captain, can you find any other person more worthy?" Riker asked. Mike: More worthy, yes. More likely to kill you if you don't submit to her will, no. > "To tell the truth, no," Washington replied. "Her record makes all of ours look like >cadets fresh out of the Academy, some place she's never been, and she's only been a Captain >for 4 years." > "Hey, I taught Tactics 240 during summer school at the Academy the year I turned 17," >Marrissa replied. Crow: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP TRYING TO ONE-UP EVERYBODY! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN RESUME! Mike: Hey, Crow, settle down. It's almost over. Crow: Never until now did I understand how anyone could hate a person enough to sodomize and dismember their corpse. Nine: Crow, one word: Therapy. >"So that no longer applies." > "Their are some rather hungry Klingons over here," Luteg son of Nomed said, from across >the room. "If you don't mind I'd rather like to have some cake." Tom [Luteg]: "A fresh, dripping carcass would be even better, but cake'll do in a pinch." > "Who am I to deny the leader of the Klingon high counsel?" Marrissa asked as she >walked over to the cake. "Who forgot the knife?" she asked after looking for one. Crow [Marrissa]: "Oh, wait, now I remember -- I buried it in Riker's back." > "I knew I was forgetting something," Mary daughter of Guinan said. > "Perhaps my knife may be of service," Luteg said, handing over his Klingon knife. >"I always keep it clean, it would not be good for an enemy to die because of a disease your >blade has spread." Mike: Uhh... right. Tom: And as on every festive occasion, the talk soon turns to pestilence. > "I don't doubt it," Marrissa replied. "And Im not going to use the only other blade >I've seen in this room. That ceremonial sword of my cousin Victoria is just too dull." Mike: Much like this story. Ba-dum-bum. > "You mean she hasn't given up on giving out titles?" Jay replied. > "Yes Jay, she has a title for you, and Alex as well," Marrissa replied. Crow: Prince of Posture! >"So you better get used to the idea. Members of the Royal Family of Essex don't take no for an answer." Nine [Jay]: "Really? Well, I'll just keep that in mind the next time you say you have a headache." > "At least I can say I tried," Jay replied as they began passing out Crow: --from the bus fumes? >the cake. > > After all the cake had been passed out, Queen Victoria marched to the center of the >room and said, "While you all are eating, I've got some titles to give away. Tom: Whee, door prizes. >Sir Jay Gordon, please approach and kneel, or do I have to have Marrissa bring you over?" Mike: Oh, =that's= what the choke collar's for. > With a look of resignation, Jay walked up to the Queen and kneeled. > "For meritorious service to Essex, I hereby grant you the title Duke of Aberdeen. Crow: "We've had an opening there since the Royal Electrician found the last one alone in his Seattle home with the remains of his head embedded in the back wall!" >Rise my Duke," Victoria granted. After Jay had stood, she continued. > "Alexander Rozhenko, please approach and kneel." > Alexander approached, much more willingly than Jay, but then Alexander hadn't seen >the frustration that some of Marrissa's titles had given to her. Nine: Yeah, all those privileges with no responsibilities can be so frustrating. >"Alexander, son of Worf, for your devoted service to both Essex and the Federation, we hereby >grant you the title Duke of Wellington, a title so graciously lent to us by the King of Great >Britain, King George X. Mike: Any relation to Malcolm? >In addition we also knight you. Rise, Sir Alexander, Duke of Wellington," Victoria said. > Meanwhile Jay had made it back to his wife's side. Marrissa whispered into his ear, >"That wasn't so bad, was it." Nine: A question Jay would echo later that night. > "No, but I reserve the right to change my mind based on future troubles that that title >may incur," Jay replied. > "Don't worry, I've got all the titles with duties attached," Marrissa replied. Tom: "You're just a figurehead! I just needed to make sure there'd be someone to take the fall for me in case my years of corruption are discovered!" >"The most you could end up with is regent in the event of my having a child, dying, Crow: Oh please please PLEASE let this be foreshadowing. >and Victoria dying without heirs." Nine: Gee, I thought =we= were supposed to be the ones supplying the dark commentary. Tom: And as on every festive occasion, the talk soon turns to death. > "I don't want to even think about it," Jay replied. "One death scare in a life >time is enough for me, I sincerely hope that you out live me." Crow: That makes one of us. Mike: I see Ratliff's been reading WHITE NOISE lately. > After performing the traditional dance with the father of the bride, it was now time >for the most looked forward to part of the evening, the tossing of the bridal bouquet and garter. Tom: Hmm. A gerundial clause in a sentence with no subject. Nine: So? Tom: Well, who exactly was dancing with ol' Jean-Luc? Nine: Everyone. He's like Tralala in LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN. >First the young females gathered behind Clara. Among them were Lieutenant Shayna Sachs, Laxwanna >Troi, and Marrissa's half-sister Jackie, who discreetly placed her eleven year-old self Mike: --next to her three-year-old id and her fifty-year-old superego. >on the side opposite of her mother, Captain Beverly Picard so she wasn't caught. >Clara tossed the bouquet over her head, right into the waiting arms of her former second, Tom: Yeah, I hear Clara's big on the duel circuit. >Lieutenant Shayna Sachs. > "I told you it would go right to Shayna," Alexander said. > "I should have known better than to bet against you, my son," Worf replied. >"Here's you money, just don't spend it all in one place." Crow [Alexander]: "Don't worry! I'm planning to spend it on booze =and= pornography!" > "Alexander Rozhenko," Clara admonished. "How dare you bet on such a unlikely >event. There are two dozen unmarried females in this room, each of which had the same odds." Tom: Then... Alex's choice was no more unlikely than any other! Doesn't Ratliff think these things out at =all=? Crow: *snort* > "Yes, my love, but none who habitually catch things you drop or throw," Alexander grinned. Tom: What? Mike: Ratliff's characters have a whole different sense of what constitutes humor. It doesn't translate well into our culture. Tom: So the French think he's a genius? Mike: No, but I hear he's big in Kyrgyzstan. > Now it was Marrissa's turn, Jackie still hadn't been noticed at the edge of the crowd >of unmarried females. Crow: Notice he can't say "women" because most of them are still years away from reaching their teens. >The bouquet went up in the air. It hit a lighting fixture Tom: Doh! >and bounced down, right into Jackie's waiting arms. Nine: Then the chandelier, loosened by Marrissa's wild throw, dropped from the ceiling right onto Jackie's waiting head. >As she caught the bouquet, Captain Beverly Picard finally noticed Jackie's location. Tom: I thought Jackie caught the bouquet, not Beverly! Mike: She did. Tom: But, grammatically... oh, forget it. >"Jacquelyn Marie Picard, what are you doing over there," the Doctor's voice rang out. > "Catching my sister's bridal bouquet," Jackie replied. Tom: I find her bouquet wonderfully fragrant, with just a touch of currant. > "Jackie ..." her mother began. > "Doctor, I see nothing wrong with my little sister catching my bouquet," Marrissa said. >"It's not like she dove in front of every one to catch it. Crow [Marrissa]: "--like I would've done! She didn't even elbow anybody in the face!" >In fact, I believe that her odds of catching it were the worse of any of the females behind me." > "Don't try to give her an excuse to get out of a direct order," Doctor Picard replied. Nine: Reason clearly isn't going to work, Bev. I think it's time to haul off and belt her. > "Doctor, I believe when it comes to my wedding, such things are mine to decide. All: MRRROW! Crow: Ffft! Ffffft! >So I asked Jackie to be sure to join the single ladies, after all she is a single lady," Marrissa said. Mike: No, she isn't! She's a child! Tom: I think we've just discovered the flaw in Ratliff's logic responsible for all this needless horror. > Thus placated, Captain Beverly Picard returned to her seat beside the Fleet Admiral. >Jackie then came up to her older sister and whispered into her ear, "Thanks for covering for me." > Marrissa whispered back, "Cover, what cover?" Nine: "I genuinely believe you should be married off before you reach puberty!" >Epilogue > > After the reception, Captain Marrissa Picard and her husband Jay, and her cousin Clara >and her husband Alexander, entered two open carriages. Tom [singing]: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry... o/~ >They proceed off the Palace grounds though a sea of thrown rice. Mike: Whoa, suddenly we're back in the present! Crow: It's like FORREST GUMP. >Then they began a procession though the city and which would eventually lead to their honeymoon >accommodations, Marrissa's own residence, and in Clara's case, the Tom: --local Motel 6. >Royal Hunting Lodge. Nine: Alexander likes it when all the dead animal heads watch. > The crowds were out in force to see the Princesses and their new husbands as they proceeded >in the twilight around the city. As the sun set behind the mountains, the carriages split up to >take their newlywed couples to their accommodations. Soon Marrissa's Castle Mike: Oh, you've got to be kidding. Crow: Marrissa's Castle? Hey, I think I got up to level thirteen on that! >peeked up from behind the trees. It was located on a peninsula, in the middle of a large >garden. The west side was designed like a traditional castle, complete with a moat and drawbridge. Tom: The other side looked more like an International House of Pancakes. >The carriage crossed the draw bridge and drew to a stop in the courtyard. > "Thank you, Jenkins," Marrissa said, after Jay helped her down from the carriage. Mike: That's an awfully odd nickname! Well, whatever works... >"Put the carriage in the carriage house and the horses in the stables, and then you may have the >next couple days off." > "Thank you your highness," Jenkins replied. Nine [Marrissa]: "No problem! It's the least I can do for cancelling your health benefits!" > "No titles Jenkins, now get to work," Marrissa said as she and Jay walked over to the >main entrance. As they reached the large double doors, they opened. Crow: Eww! Internal organs everywhere! >Suddenly, Jay picked Marrissa up Tom: "Hey, baby, live around here much?" >and carried her across the threshold. "Traditionalist," Marrissa accused. > "The castle got me in the mood," Jay said. Crow: Wait till he sees the tower! > "It's not that traditional," Marrissa replied. "Just look at the living room." Nine: Let's see... he copied the bar from "Cheers", so I'm betting he copies the living room from... "Friends", you figure? Mike: Nah. Not Ratliffian enough. I'm thinking "Full House". > "Lead on, I think I need a full tour anyway," Jay replied, as they proceed down the >cavernous and very traditional main hall. Tom [rabbi]: "Without tradition, we are nothing!" >Marrissa then turned into a nearby door Crow: How surreal. >which slid apart like those on the Enterprise. Inside the room was the Enterprise. Mike: Gahh! >More precisely, it's bridge with a couple modifications to make it a suitable living room. Mike: Hmm. I see she put in a wet bar. Tom: Nice coffee table, too. Ikea, you figure? >"Now I see why your living room is the reason Captain Riker thinks you want his chair." Crow: You mean the battered dummy of Riker hanging from the ceiling fan? > "And half the fleet is ridiculing his reason," Marrissa replied as she moved toward >the leather couch which occupied the command area. Nine: Great. Half a millennium into the future and they're still slaughtering cattle to make upholstery. >Turning toward the main veiwscreens's location, which was a large east facing window. she >continued, "So far as I know, he and Chelsea are the only StarFleet Captains who have seen >this room and no one will believe him." Tom: "That's why I call it the Snuffleupagus Room!" Crow: Riker and Chelsea? NOOOOOOO!!! > "Poor Riker," Jay replied. "I assume this castle has everything." Nine: "You know, whips, chains, a rack, hot oil..." > "Yes, Jay and I believe the bedroom is accessible via that turbolift," Marrissa smiled. Mike: Eugh. Okay, I admit, I'm a little queasy. But I guess that wasn't so bad. Let's go, guys. > Mike: Oh, no. No. No, no, no... > That night was a rowdy one at Marrissa's Palace, the first of many such nights. Crow: Aw, no, he's going soft-core! Where's the money shot? [stunned pause] Mike/Tom/Nine: CROW! Crow: What? Oh, like you weren't thinking the same thing. >In fact that very night, Captain Marrissa Picard, Princess of Essex conceived a child. All: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Tom: Oh, the humanity! The =humanity=! Nine: Once upon a time Jay and Marrissa loved each other very much, and then one day... Crow: Wait till alt.sex.stories.pedophilia gets a load of this! Mike: Y'know, maybe Senator Exon was right... >But that's another story .... Tom: And we're going to make sure Dr. Forrester never comes anywhere =near= that other story. Let's get the hell out of here. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Tom are playing some kind of board game. The board is black and studded with little white stars; placed in careful formations on the board are red and blue tokens in the shape of starships. Nine looks on skeptically. Enter Mike.] Mike: What's all this? Crow: Mike! Speak of the devil. We were hoping you'd show up! We've got the ROYAL WEDDING Home Game all ready to go and all we need is for you to roll the dice! I'll be playing the Federation, and Tom's playing the Romulans. Tom: According to the rules, I go first! Umm... okay, my ships attack your ships. What now? Crow: Okay, you roll two dice. Mike? [Mike jiggles the dice in his hand.] According to the ROYAL WEDDING Battle Sheet (tm), you need to roll at least a 140 to inflict any damage. And the roll comes up... [Mike rolls the dice.] Crow: Five, three... eight! Sorry, no damage. Now I counterattack. Mike, roll fourteen dice, please. [Mike grabs a handful of dice and rolls them.] Ten, twenty, carry the one... fifty-nine! Now, according to rule 73b, I get to multiply that by ten thousand because Marrissa's on my side, and then subtracting your defense strength, that means... okay, I wiped out fifty- eight thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight of your ships. Tom: But... I only have twelve. Crow: Then I guess I win, huh? What do you think, sir? [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Ah, but you forget, Bumblebee! Now that you've defeated your putative opponent, read what you've won! [SOL] Crow: Okay... "Congratulations! Or, should I say, 'Congraduations!' You have just won the ROYAL WEDDING Home Game! Your name will go down in the annals of history. However, as Stephen Ratliff is the chronicler of said annals, it will be misspelled." Hey! [Deep 13] Dr.F.: That's right! I've got a database of the top ten players right here. I'll just put you in at #1... "COW T. TOBOR". [SOL] Crow: Doh! Tom: Stephen Ratliff. The only way to win is not to play. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: You said it! Now for a relaxing game of Global Thermonuclear War. Let's see. "The Soviets have launched a first strike. Do you push the button?" Why, yes, I believe I-- \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain. This MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. Chances are they'd be sickened and horrified were they to read it. Nevertheless, it may be distributed freely as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is intact. (As opposed to, say, Marrissa's hymen.) MiSTed by Adam Cadre (MSTie #59588), a.cadre1@genie.com, April 1996. Any comments, questions, remarks, laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations are more than welcome. If you enjoyed this MSTing, hie ye hence to the Ratliff MSTing archive at http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/mst/mst.html -- it features MSTings by Chris Mayfield, Mike Barklage, and many more! > "Lets just say that I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last couple nights," Marrissa replied.