MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 1: What Legends Are Made Of, Chapter 1 Original fanfic by Flareon With permission of the author. Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And spoilers for the Pokémon anime, if anyone cares. ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And contents herself by punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (My job sucks) Nyanko (Backstabbing is fun) Siren (I'm hungry) Croooow (Still number one) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (La la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [We open to a room, looking very much like the the bridge of a science-fiction spaceship. Assorted computer machinery covers most of the walls, containing a large number of blinking lights, buttons, and panels. A large video screen dominates one wall, and heavy doors are in the center of the wall opposite it. Other doors are attached to the remaining two walls.] COMPUTERS: Beep. Beep. [A black telephone booth suddenly appears in the center of the bridge. It sits there for a minute or two, looking ominous, and then it's doors slide open and it's occupants tumble out. There are four of them, and it's apparent that the booth would have been a very tight fit if all of them were inside.] CROW: [while falling] What...? NYANKO: [while falling] Ouch! SIREN: [while falling] Oh my! MOUSE: [while falling] Chuu! [The four passengers clamber to their feet, dusting themselves off. They are all dressed in unusual-looking, colorful uniforms that mark them as SAILOR SOLDIERS, and all wear golden, gem-studded bracers. SAILOR LEAD CROW is a tall, bronze-skinned woman with long, dark red hair, a stern expression, and a pair of black wings, which dissapear as she gazes at them in irritation. SAILOR TIN NYANKO is a younger-looking, slender girl with two pointy prongs of black hair, from which descend long braids and several bells. Her small fangs and wary eyes mark her as somewhat dangerous. SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN looks relatively composed, and gazes around at her surroudings in innocent curiousity. She has light-blue hair almost as long as she is tall, and a flowing light-blue outfit to match. Finally, SAILOR IRON MOUSE is a short, cute woman of indeterminable age, with white hair put up into twin buns.] CROW: [surprised] Siren! You're alright! SIREN: Apparently so, Crow-san. Sorry for worrying you! MOUSE: Wow! I'm alive too! NYANKO: Yeah, it would be a *real* tragedy if all of you had stayed dead. So is anyone else interested in the fact that we're in a spaceship? [The video screen suddenly turns on, revealing the golden-garbed visage of SAILOR GALAXIA. Stars glimmer in the background behind her.] GALAXIA: Not a spaceship, my hapless little kitten... simply a satellite, orbiting around my very own Zero Star. [The ANIMAMATES react with surprise.] MOUSE: Galaxia-sama! I knew you would realize how useful I was to you and revive me! GALAXIA: Funny that you should mention utility, Iron Mouse. That is indeed why I revived you. CROW: What, we're to go on some kind of important mission for you? GALAXIA: No, I decided that your stunning displays of incompetence warranted punishment far more severe than the relative luxury of swift, painful deaths. Luckily, I hold your Sailor Crystals. Reviving you for another round of torture is child's play. ALL: ... CROW: So, what now, whips and chains? GALAXIA: Not quite, my pretty little caged bird. Instead, I am experimenting with a new form of torture that's quite the rage among evil masterminds these days: the showing of fanfiction. MOUSE: Really? Neat! So it's like a book group or something? How bad could that possibly be? GALAXIA: You're about to find out, my cute little lab rat. Suffice it to say that the fanfiction I'll be showing are sufficient to cause pain to any with a modicum of good taste. And I assure you that my torture will be unrelenting. However, you are allowed to comment on the material as much as you wish, if you believe it will help you draw out the inevitable destruction of your sanities. Now, I am eager to get on with the experiment. Are there any more questions, my pawns? SIREN: [piping up] Do we get snacks? ALL: ... GALAXIA: Uhh... certainly not, my, uh... stupid little... singing fish thing...? Ah, to hell with trying to sound sophisticated. Sure, you can have snacks. Why not? I'm feeling generous. [A phone booth appears. It's doors open, unloading a lot of packaged goods onto the floor.] SIREN: Yaaay! Thank you, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA: Yeah, well, I think donating food to hungry suffering prisoners counts for tax exemption purposes, if nothing else. NYANKO: You pay taxes? GALAXIA: Immortality only saves you from one half of the inevitable. Now, proceed through the doors... to your doom! Bwahahahaha! [GALAXIA'S visage disappears from the screen. SIREN gathers up the snacks while the others stare at each other.] ALL: ... CROW: ...She's finally gone completely insane. MOUSE: It's the stress that did it. I told her she should have taken vacations. Nothing good comes of overworking. NYANKO: Yeah, I saw this coming a long, long time ago. Her thing about collecting all the Star Seeds of the Sailor Soldiers was obsessive, if you ask me. [GALAXIA'S visage reappears on the screen.] GALAXIA: Well, you know what they say, Tin Nyanko... "Gotta Catch 'Em All." Which is a good note to begin this experiment with, as your fanfiction today is based on the ultimate money-making franchise, Pokémon. CROW: What? Pokémon? Oh, come on, Galaxia. Give us something with a little more substance than idiotic little kids revolving their lives around inane supernatural cockfighting. GALAXIA: ...You're familiar with Pokémon, Lead Crow? CROW: [defensively] Yeah, I might've played through Pokémon Blue. So what? GALAXIA: Whatever. Now get going, I want to see more suffering and less slacking. [The screen turns off again. The ANIMAMATES shrug and head through the double doors.] ----- [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] MOUSE: I have a bad feeling about this. If Sailor Galaxia, the most evil entity in the known universe, says this fanfic is bad... it must be *really* bad. CROW: Well, not necessarily. Evil is associated with dishonesty. GALAXIA'S VOICE: [coming from nowhere] Don't get your hopes up, Lead Crow. Evil is also associated with inflicting pain. NYANKO: You can talk to us in here, Galaxia? GALAXIA'S VOICE: Of course. If I couldn't, how would I be able to taunt you ruthlessly? SIREN: Guys, the fanfic is starting. >ALTERNATE REALITY STORY 1 - WHAT LEGENDS ARE MADE OF CROW (Professor): [droning] One common mythic story structure is the Hero's Journey, an archetype consisting of twelve stages. First is the Ordinary World, when the Hero exists in a state unaffected by time and change. After that, the Call to Adventure... MOUSE: I don't think that's what he meant. >SAGA 1: THE LEGEND BEGINS MOUSE: The horror... the horror... NYANKO: No! Stop the Legend! For the love of Galaxia, please stop the Legend! SIREN: Give it a chance, Nyanko-san. We'll have plenty of time to complain when it actually starts. CROW: Tell me about it. After all, this is only the first Saga. >(c) Copyright 2000 by Flareon NYANKO: Excellent. Now I know who to destroy. GALAXIA'S VOICE: No personal retribution against the author. Not that you can do anything to him while you're under my power, anyway. NYANKO: [shrugging] It's nice to dream. >[This is what might have happened if Ash had woken up on time that day he >got his first Pokémon, and if he was a lot smarter and more mature (like >me).] CROW: That sounds ominous. NYANKO: I'll say! This is starting to look like a self-insertion! [All shudder.] >[I believe Pokémon Trainers would start their Journeys at age 13 if there >was some alternate dimension where there actually were Pokémon and Pokémon >Trainers. This would be so they are more mature about things and they are >actually smart about using Pokémon. So Ash starts at age 13, Misty starts >around 14, etc.] CROW: Riiight... because we all know how incredibly mature thirteen year-olds are. Yep, we sure can trust them with supernatural killer animals. SIREN: This sounds like such a safe world! >DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon. Never claimed I did. If I did, the TV >show would be a whole lot different (not like this, though). SIREN: Yeah, I would expect it to have a lot less text and a lot more... TV-ness. >Ash and Misty would be even more obviously in love with each other, or at >least Ash would. I don't own Dragonball Z. MOUSE: Sue him! Sue him! Sue him! SIREN: My, there are a lot of things he doesn't own. But it's nice of him to clarify for us. I was under the impression that he *did* own Dragonball Z. CROW: You know, I can't tell whether you're being sarcastic or not... >I don't own any of the songs. NYANKO: Fl4R30N 0WNZ U! [All edge away from Tin Nyanko.] NYANKO: What, don't any of you l4mers know 1337? >^These things^ - Means thought or psychic communication. SIREN: Oh, are people going to think in this fanfic? >'Apostrophes' - Means Pokémon language deciphered into human language. CROW: Wow. Amazing that anyone can translate "Squirtle, squirtle" into something meaningful. SIREN: Cute things don't need proper language. "Kupo!" >[Brackets] - Means author notes. MOUSE: But the author notes above aren't bracketed... > - Means change of scene. CROW: Oh, well, I guess it's a new scene now, then. >Narrator's voice: "Welcome to the unrealistic yet imaginative world of >Pokémon. In this story, we will unravel the mysteries of the world of >Pokémon. NYANKO: What, you mean like, "How many Slowbros does it take to change a lightbulb?" and "How much wood would a Psyduck chuck if a Psyduck could chuck wood?" MOUSE: Shows what you know! Obviously, he means that this fanfic is going to be, like, "Boy Detective Ash"! >This story is going to be based around a young man with big dreams and an >even bigger heart, and the many friends he meets on his Pokémon Journey." CROW: 'Big dreams and an even bigger heart?' But Ash has no personality! SIREN: Well, he's kind of annoying. That's a personality. >A voice emanating on a black screen: "Episode 1: Where it all began..." MOUSE: So... the fic is called, "Alternate Reality Story 1 - What Legends Are Made Of, Saga 1: The Legend Begins, Episode 1: Where it all began..."? CROW: Chapter 1: The Reckoning. NYANKO: Part 1: The Beginning of the End... CROW: ...of our sanity. SIREN: Okay, the title is a little much, but how bad could this be? >The voice again, sounding a bit in awe: "I am finally on starting my >Pokémon Journey..." MOUSE (Voice): Man, I'm so cool I scare myself. >A boy in a black shirt and denims was preparing to start the pursuit of >capturing Pokémon, the mysterious creatures that live on and near Indigo >Island. [Indigo Island is off the coast of Japan, in my world. NYANKO: So... in the author's world, the real-life one where the author wrote this, Indigo Island is off the coast of Japan? And here I thought he came from Earth. CROW: Well, he sure can't mean the Pokémon world, can he? He said that he didn't own that back in line 17 or so. MOUSE: [cheerfully] I guess he's just off in his own little world. >Though it is officially part of Japan, it seems American. People look >almost totally American, though the people have Japanese traits {some more >than others} and Japanese clothes are sometimes used traditionally.] CROW: In other words, it's a dub world. MOUSE: I'm glad we aren't dub characters. I'm sure my voice wouldn't be nearly as cute, chuu! NYANKO: And Siren and Crow would probably end up being cousins or something. [Siren blushes slightly. Crow pulls out her whip threateningly.] >It was late afternoon. >Bursting with excitement, Ash loaded all of the stuff he would need on his >trip into a large green backpack. The boy was an inch or two taller than >average, about 5 feet, 4 inches. Strangely for one so young, he also >sported an extremely athletic-looking body. CROW: Uh... when they say, "the boy," they're talking about some *other* boy, right? I'm having trouble picturing a tall, athletic Ash. NYANKO: Sure, Crow, it's the boy standing *behind* Ash. >On his head was a crop of spiky black hair, SIREN: That crop of hair is about due to be harvested. MOUSE: Son Goku cosplayers pay good money for wigs like that. >which framed his lightly tanned face and deep brown eyes. MOUSE: "Framed." That's what *all* the faces say. SIREN: We'll leave that to the jury. >He had trained hard and waited long for this day, and this morning he had >taken the Trainer Exams to get his Training License. NYANKO (Ash): I can't drink for another eight years, but now that I can legally control Charizards, I'll be drunk with POWER! >He had had to wait 3 weeks for all of the other new Trainers on the island >to have their birthdays. CROW: Wait, were all the other Trainers on the island born in a three- week period, or what? MOUSE: Wow, I'd like to have seen the party that happened thirteen years and nine months ago! >But it was going to be worth it. Not surprising to everyone who decided to >ask, both he and Gary Oak (an old friend turned rival) had passed the exams >with exact 100% scores. MOUSE: 'Big dreams and an even bigger heart,' nice bod, great test scores... [IRON MOUSE brings her bracers together, pointing them at the screen] MOUSE: All right, Ash-boy, show me your Star Seed! NYANKO: Oh, please. Do you really think that Ash has a Sailor Crystal? [Pause, as the Animamates consider that possibility and shudder.] MOUSE (Ash): Sailor Star Catcher, Stage On! CROW: I really didn't need that mental image. SIREN: He wouldn't have to change genders. I think he would look cute in a tux. >Downstairs, he readied his custom-made bike he had gotten the day before, >as a month-late birthday present (due to the time it took to make the >bike). CROW: What, they couldn't have ordered ahead? SIREN: No, no. The bike took thirteen years to make. >He combed his hair and put on his cap. [Picture his official Pokémon League >hat in the show. MOUSE: And meditate upon it. >Where there was red there is blue, where there was white there was red, and >where there was an L, there was gold lettering PL. MOUSE: And where your mind was once filled with confusion, now it is filled with peace. >He had won it in the Pokémon Game Star Tournament last year around the >world. SIREN: "Around the world"? What a vague place to hold a tournament. NYANKO: Hard directions. It cuts down on the number of suckers they have to admit. >In this world, you have to train on your Pokémon game for a year to get to >know the basics of Pokémon training. CROW (Trainer): So releasing a weak Pokémon, then immediately recalling it for a stronger one is a good way to level up low-level monsters, huh? That makes sense. I'll be sure to use that incredibly logical strategy in real life. >He only came in third place and only got the hat, for his last Pokémon was >an Electrode versus a Rhydon, and didn't stand a chance.] He washed and >dried all of his clothes, including his sleeveless jacket. [His leather >jacket is also different. One, it was water-, electricity-, and fireproof. MOUSE: ...? CROW: What, is the jacket Dragon-type? SIREN: Is it even possible for a *leather* jacket to be entirely immune to all that stuff? CROW: It is now, I guess. >Two, the sleeves and collar were colored red instead of white.] He checked >his shoes. [His shoes are black with red laces.] NYANKO: And they were immune to mud, ice, and dog crap. >His traveling jeans were ready. [They are black and pretty loose >except for the top witch fitted his waist snugly.] MOUSE: They were also fashion-resistant. Yep, no risk of this outfit being at all stylish. >His belts were all packed. SIREN: He only wears one pair of pants, but he packs multiple belts? >He laid his ironed gloves on the table. They were black, fingerless >fighting gloves. NYANKO: Which were bulletproof. MOUSE: [musing] If they have no fingers, are they really gloves? >They had been his father's. His mom said his dad always wore them for good >luck. CROW: Well, apparently they didn't wrk so well, did they? >Now Ash would be. MOUSE: Ash would be what? SIREN: [singing] o/ Whatever will be, will be... o/ >After a reminder from his mother, Ash went to bed. Though Ash was >completely ready, he was troubled. He went to sleep thinking about his >father. CROW: It was a very tragic story... his father got run over by a Ponyta when Ash was three. NYANKO: No, he disappeared during an accident in the first Evangelion testing. MOUSE: No, he died in a car crash, leaving Ash hospitalized. While in the hospital, Ash met Fiore, a good friend *ahem ahem* who left the planet to find the perfect flower... NYANKO: His father had taken him from his mother at an early age, hoping to train him in the Pokémon Arts. Sadly, he fell into a cursed spring and got sold to a zoo, leaving only a fear of Meowths for Ash to remember him by. CROW: An unexplained accident killed his father when Ash was young, after which Ash lost his will to live and hid in a coffin. He eventually emerged, having been reassured by the mysterious figure of a prince, who gave him a ring and told him to keep his strength and nobility. SIREN: These stories are making me so sad. [ALUMINUM SIREN opens a bag of chips and digs in.] >****** CROW: That's the end of a scene? I thought the end of a scene was signified by . MOUSE: Wow, he even got his own conventions wrong. That takes skill. > >(Flashback, 8 years ago) > >Officer Jenny: "I'm sorry ma'am. I'm afraid he went off to fight Geo, the >supposed leader of the elusive Team Rocket. NYANKO: Oh, yeah, they're sure elusive. Not. SIREN: It seems like the difficult part is *not* finding them. >We found Geo and himself, both dead." CROW: Apparently he poisoned both cups. MOUSE: ...and hadn't built up *quite* the resistance to iocane power that he thought he had. >Mom: "Bu-bu-but why? Why did he go?" SIREN: Didn't he tell her? >Ash's mom was taking this well. She had given up crying and was shaking the >police officer roughly. CROW: She's shaking down an officer, and they say she's taking it well? What would "not well" be? MOUSE: Telling her Mr. Mime to go postal on them? >Officer Jenny: "We are afraid Geo killed Cypress' first Pokémon. A >Charizard, if I remember correctly." NYANKO (Jenny): I'm afraid I just don't care enough to check. >Mom, collapsing down onto a chair, only her eyes betraying her feeling of >loss as she reminisced: "Yes, he always did love his Charizard. SIREN (Mom): So did I. But we kept our relationship hidden lest Cypress find out about it... ALL: ... >It was so sweet and fun-loving..." > >That had been the worst day of his life. NYANKO: Except that day when the bullies beat him up and dunked his head in the toilet. > >(End Flashback) MOUSE: Back... to the future! > >****** > >Ash made himself sleep in order to block out this clarified memory. He did >not dream peaceful dreams. SIREN (H.P. Lovecraft): "Three times Ash Ketchum dreamed of the beautiful sunset city, and three times was he snatched away while still he paused on the high terrace above it." [MOUSE, CROW, and NYANKO look at SIREN.] SIREN: Hey, I do read, you know! >****** > >His alarm woke him. Not thinking, just acting, he jerked up, put on his >clothes, grabbed his stuff, skipped breakfast, hugged his mother goodbye, CROW: All that without thinking, huh? Ash is practically a Cipher. NYANKO: You realize nobody will get that reference. CROW: *Someone* will! >and bolted on his bike to Professor Oak's house. MOUSE (Ash): Just one more bolt... there! Nobody's going to remove my bike from Professor Oak's house now! SIREN: He must have been worried about theft. >A blue van zoomed up behind him, and he skidded quickly to the side. The >car missed his arm by three inches, and kicked dust into Ash's face. The >dust blocked his vision and he ran into a trash can. NYANKO (Driver): Damn, just a foot to the left and we would have had him... >Swearing, Ash got out of the trash can, glad it was almost empty. CROW: The hell? Since when was Ash *in* the trash can? SIREN: Silly Crow! He ran into it, remember? Just last sentence! CROW: But... "running into" an object doesn't mean... MOUSE: I guess you should take things more literally, Crow. >He didn't feel something spherical slip into his pocket. SIREN: It must be the One Ring! Slipping into people's pockets is the kind of thing it does. MOUSE: Spherical, Siren. Spherical. SIREN: Maybe a Palantir? >He arrived at Professor Oak's laboratory a few minutes later. There were >two other new Trainers there. It was Gary with his cheerleading squad, and >his twin sister, May. NYANKO: ...with her pep band. >Ash had liked May from the day he met her, but it only bloomed into a >friendship. They were good friends who wished each other well. CROW: May, huh? [Glancing through a book] Looks like this is at least partly based on Toshihiro Ono's manga. At least, I don't *think* that there's a May Oak in the anime. Is there? MOUSE: We wouldn't know. NYANKO: I'm kind of scared that you've read the manga in the first place. CROW: Hey, the manga is kind of fun! [Brandishes her whip] Wanna make something of it? NYANKO: [scared] No... sorry... heh heh. >Gary smirked. He was hoping that Ash would get to go first. NYANKO: ...Because he had booby-trapped all the Pokéballs? SIREN: Probably just out of the goodness of his heart. >May smiled. She just wanted to start her journey. It had been she who had >beaten Ash's Electrode with her Rhydon. She had felt really sorry for him, >but it was how things were. Then she was beaten by her brother, Gary, which >wasn't fair at all since Gary knew what her Pokémon would be, and she >didn't know his. CROW: Because we sure can't have Gary winning anything fair and square, can we? >He had won the Grand Prize, a Ferrari and chauffeur. MOUSE: Uh, Gary *owns* a chauffeur? SIREN: Just look at Pokémon battling, Mouse-san... slavery is alive and well in this world. She had won a hat like Ash's only with green instead of blue, >as well as an unlimited amount of Pokémon supplies. CROW: Clearly, the hat is the real prize. >The voice of Samuel Oak, the Professor and grandfather of Gary and May, >came from behind him: MOUSE: He's a Professor of Gary and May? That's a pretty darn specific area to study. NYANKO: I'm more interested in the voice coming up behind them. Where's the rest of him? SIREN: He must be a ghost. >"Oh, greetings, Ash. We are ready to begin." CROW (Mikage): Then, please begin. [LEAD CROW makes the sound of a descending elevator.] SIREN: Well, that explains it! It's just his voice, because he doesn't actually exist. NYANKO: Oak's laboratory burned down in an accident many years ago, killing all of Oak's Aides, who were inside... MOUSE: Heck, that also explains why Pokémon exist! It's so that they can be used in mysterious duels for the possession of the Rose Bride! SIREN: It all makes perfect sense now. >Ash, turning around to see the Professor: "Who picks first?" > >May: "Grandpa said we go by whoever gets the highest score on this exam we >have to do right now." SIREN (May): The best Trainers get the best Pokémon... thus creating a vicious cycle of inequal opportunity that maintains the status quo and keeps the lesser Trainers in their places! >Ash, groaning: "Not another exam!" > >Gary: "Yup. Sucks, don't it." > >Gary had a sly look on his face. Ash knew he had something tricky in mind. NYANKO: How perceptive, Ash. >They started and finished the exam in less than five minutes. Ash had the >highest score, 100%. Gary had the second highest, at 98%. May had 96%. CROW: Of course, that really isn't very impressive, considering that the Pokémon World's idea of a tricky question is, "Which of these Pokémon is a bug? A) Weedle, B) Charizard, C) Gloom." >Ash was suspicious immediately. They both could have gotten 100%, because >the test had been easy, but they hadn't. May was easy to figure out. She >must have sacrificed going first so as neither her brother or friend would >get the Pokemon they wanted least. She was a very generous person. But Ash >wasn't sure about Gary. SIREN (Ash): I *think* he's a very generous person, but he could just be kind. Or maybe he's a nice guy... I just don't know! >Professor Oak: "Okay Ash, which Pokémon do you want?" MOUSE (Ash): I want a Mew! CROW (Oak): Well... I *did* ask. Here you go! SIREN (May): Not a Mewtwo? MOUSE (Ash): Well, I wouldn't want to be greedy... >Ash, thinking: ^Yes! I get to pick the one I want! But Gary's next. That >means he can pick the one good against mine. NYANKO: That's why you catch multiple types. Moron. >That just sucks. Stop it, Ash! MOUSE (Ash): Ash, you're annoying me! CROW (Ash): Stop filling my head with useless thoughts, Ash! MOUSE: (Ash): Will both of you please shut up? SIREN: Split personalities? Tribe of One? NYANKO: Man, I've been there, and it's not pleasant... >This isn't about being better than Gary! [Pause] ALL: Yes it is! >I would've thought you would have stopped thinking so immaturely a long >time ago!. Now, which to choose? Well, father should know...after all, he >did become a Pokémon Master...^ NYANKO (Ash): So, I'll just summon up his spirit from the grave and ask him. SIREN: Does Ash have his father's essential salts? >Ash: "I pick Charmander!" ALL: Huh? SIREN: He doesn't end up with a Pikachu? But they're so cute! MOUSE: There, there, Siren. If you want to see something cute, you can just look at me. >Professor Oak, handing the Pokéball to Ash: "Good choice Ash." CROW (Oak): Anything you choose is a good choice, Ash! We love you, Ash! >May, looking confused: "But I'm sure you know Charmander is weak against >the first three Gyms, Viridian, Pewter, and Cerulean. If you want Badges, >you should've picked one of the other two. (Looking at the new Pokéball on >Ash's belt) No offense. So why did you choose it?" CROW: You know, that's something I've never understood. The Gyms are in order, right? The early ones are incredibly weak, with their Masters having, like, two level 8 Pokémon. There are a gazillion other trainers in the world who are much better than the Gym Masters, but they're still somehow respected, as if they're powerful or skilled! I don't get it. NYANKO: It's just one of those RPG things. Don't think about it. >Ash. shrugging: "I have my reasons. After all, I don't HAVE to try to >defeat the Gym Leaders if I don't want to." SIREN: And yet, we all know that he will. >Gary: "Then it's my turn. I pick Squirtle!" > >Ash, thinking: Of course. No respectable rival wouldn't. NYANKO: Oh, so Gary is an official rival, is he? A member of the Rival's Guild? Is his only purpose in life to try to beat Ash and eventually lose? CROW: Frankly, yes. >May: "Then I take Bulbasaur." MOUSE: Um, Oak never said that they had to choose between Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Charmander. >All three opened their Pokéballs and inspected their Pokémon. Each was very >kind (even Gary) and the Pokémon started to enjoy having their new >Trainers. SIREN: So the Pokémon agree to this brutal gladiatorial system? CROW: Obviously. After all, they're smarter than their trainers. NYANKO: Hey, I can picture the Pokémon letting their humans out of Humaballs to fight. MOUSE (Pikachu): I choose you, Ash! Use your "Total Lameness" attack, chuu! >Suddenly, Gary spoke. [ALL hum ominous music] >Gary: "Hey, Ash, May. How about we test out our Pokémon. MOUSE (Gary): I'll bet my Squirtle has a higher SAT score than your Charmander! >So we can know what to improve on." NYANKO (Gary): It'll give us a chance to practice our cybernetic enhancements and gene-splicing techniques. > >Ash: "Good idea." > >May: "Yeah, Gary." CROW (Gary): Alright, so to test them we make a pile of dead bodies and see how many their attacks can cut through... >First Ash beat May easily with Charmander's Ember attacks. [Yes, I know >that in the game, Charmander isn't supposed to know Ember already, but just >remember that this is MY world, and I can do as I please. >:o}] CROW: Stop the author notes! We *know* that you have creative license in your own fanfic! NYANKO: Writer 007. With a license to hack. >May healed Bulbasaur and fought Gary. She won simply because Squirtle's >Water attacks didn't affect Bulbasaur much. Gary got Squirtle healed and >battled Ash. NYANKO: You know, this is a pointless exercise. Charmander beats Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur beats Squirtle, and Squirtle beats Charmander. No skill involved. SIREN: It's like Rock, Paper, Scissors! CROW: ...except that they each only have one choice. >Ash: "Go Charmander! Use maximum Growl attack!" MOUSE: What, as opposed to a minimum Growl attack? >Gary: "Go Squirtle! This should be a cinch! Fire your Bubble attack!" NYANKO: Ooooh, scary. A *Bubble* attack! That's going to destroy the enemy reeeeeal well! SIREN: Don't knock bubbles! Haven't you seen the incredible destructive power of Shabon Spray? >First Ash's Charmander growled and Squirtle forgot to attack, for it was >covering its ears in fear. CROW: Hey, Growl reduces the damage of physical attacks, it doesn't cause the opponent to flinch! Charmander should be thoroughly bubbled now. MOUSE: Do Squirtles even *have* ears? >Ash: "Quickly Charmander! Use your Scratch attack!" > >Charmander scratched three times but it didn't do much damage. One of the >scratches hit Squirtle's bald head but then Squirtle just ducked into its >shell. CROW: So, what was Squirtle doing while Charmander took three turns in a row? SIREN: Maybe it was powering up a "Gratuitous Overkill Obliteration" attack? >Ash thought hard and got an idea. NYANKO: He really needs to think *hard* to get an idea, that's for sure! >Ash, thinking: ^Hmm...let's see. SIREN: Did he actually just think "Hmm" to himself? MOUSE: It's the sound of his brain starting up. >If Squirtle's shell protects the under-parts of its body, then the >under-parts must tender, and vulnerable. This isn't like the video game. CROW (Ash): In the video game, combat makes sense. >Where Charmander hits does count. If Charmander's tail flame was inside >Squirtle's shell, I think it'd burn up any hydrogen Squirtle would use to >fire a water attack. And it'd hurt Squirtle. And Squirtle wouldn't be >foolish enough to bite a flame. CROW: Foul! Foul! Squirtle doesn't have raw hydrogen under it's shell that it combines with oxygen to create water! If we're trying to stay psuedo-realistic, there's no way the Squirtle could hold enough hydrogen to shoot off water attacks like it does anyway! And if we suddenly need raw materials for our Pokémon's attacks, how does the Charmander keep a flame on it's tail without any fuel? Plus, if there were raw hydrogen and oxygen in there, any sort of open flame would make that Squirtle explode like Fat Man getting into an argument with Little Boy! SIREN: Calm down, Crow-san. It's just a story. CROW: [twitching] Not... possible... Makes... no... sense... NYANKO: ...says the Sailor Senshi. CROW: Hey, that's an entirely different matter! >I don't even know if it has room in that shell to open its jaws. Should I >take the risk? Charmander could get really hurt! Still... I'm usually >right...^ MOUSE: Of course he's usually right... NYANKO: How much do you want to bet that this half-baked plan will work? MOUSE: It wouldn't be fair to take your money so easily. >Ash: "Good, Charmander! Now stick your tail into the shell!" > >It actually worked, though it probably defied the laws of reason. CROW: [shouting] *It sure did*! >Charmander stuck its tail into the shell where Squirtle had retreated and >burned Squirtle's head. Squirtle couldn't bite the tail because it was too >hot, CROW: *Humans* have enough moisture in their mouth to put out a flame that size. It shouldn't be a problem for something that can upchuck water beams. >and couldn't douse it out because it needed hydrogen, and Charmander had >already burnt all of that out of the shell. MOUSE: It also burnt the Ghost out of the Shell. >Squirtle fainted, and Charmander quickly took its tail out of the shell. SIREN: These poor, cute animals being burned, cut, and pounded upon. How sad. [Sniffs] CROW: Aw, look on the bright side, Siren. They can be instantly healed. NYANKO: ...So that they can fight in another brutal match immediately. [CROW glares at NYANKO. SIREN opens a bento in sorrow.] >Gary: "Nooo! Squirtle!" NYANKO (Ash): L337! 1 4/\/\ 45|-|! Ph34r /\/\y /\/\4d 5|<1||z! [MOUSE, SIREN, and CROW stare at NYANKO.] NYANKO: Fine! No more 1337! Spoilsports... >Gary raced Squirtle to Professor Oak's rejuvenation system in the next >room. Followed closely by his cheerleaders. CROW: I don't think Squirtle is going to put up much of a fight in that race, considering how hurt he is. My money's on the cheerleaders. > >Ash: "All right Charmander! Fantastic job!" > >May: "Ash, you beat both of us! You're gonna be really good, I know it!" NYANKO (May): But right now you suck! > >Ash, shrugging: "I just got lucky that Squirtle didn't get to attack, or >I'd be toast. Besides, your Bulbasaur is naturally weaker to fire attacks >than other Pokémon, which is the only way I won against you." MOUSE: Aww, not only is he smart and handsome, he's humble, too. Don't you just love this guy? CROW AND NYANKO: *No*. MOUSE: Maybe I'll take his Star Seed anyway. Nobody would miss him. CROW: Don't. I don't care how annoying this guy is, his phage would be worse. SIREN: Sailor Trainer? CROW: More like Sailor Author Avatar. >May: "Nuh-uh-uh Ash! You're good! You used a Charmander and beat Gary's >Squirtle. MOUSE (May): Beating down that Squirtle with a Charmander sure was impressive. Heck, I didn't know you could get that much force swinging around a Charmander! Personally, though, I would have hit it with a Geodude. They aren't much for close combat, but they have a lot of heft, you know? OTHERS: ... >Everyone I know says that you're destined to become the World's Greatest >Pokémon Master. CROW (May): Of course, the only person I know is your mother, but still... >You, too, always said that." MOUSE: *He* said that too? Okay, so much for humility. SIREN: [singing] o/ I find Humility means to be hurt; it's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt. o/ >Ash, laughing ruefully: "Until you beat me in the semi-finals of the >Pokémon Game Tournament." NYANKO (Ash): That was when you tore out my tongue. >May, matter-of-fact: "That wasn't a fair match. (Looking up and down Ash, >then puzzling at his pocket) Say, Ash...what's that in your pocket?" MOUSE (May): Is that a Pokéball in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? NYANKO: ... >Ash, looking where she gazed: "Huh? I don't know." MOUSE: Man, what's wrong with sex ed in schools today? > >May, peering at it with a look of consternation: "It looks like a >Pokéball..." CROW (May): But it could be some other half-white, half-red sphere. SIREN: Not the One Ring, then? MOUSE: How about the One Pokéball? SIREN: ...That's a kind of scary concept. NYANKO: 'One for the dark lord, on his dark throne'? SIREN: Mewtwo! >Ash pulled it out and there it was. A Pokéball. Both of them gasped. ALL: [Gasp!] MOUSE: But Pokéballs aren't *that* small... How could one fall into a pair of jeans, even loose ones, without the person noticing? CROW: Shut up. We're supposed to act surprised. ALL: [Gasp!] >May, astonished: "Ash! You didn't steal a Pokémon, did you???" NYANKO (May): I thought I taught you better than that! You're supposted to steal Pokémon at every opportunity! Do better next time! >Ash, indignant: "No, honest, I didn't! I had no idea it was there! What's >going on?" CROW: That's what they *all* say. MOUSE (Ash): It kind of fell out of somebody's pocket while they were walking down the street. I didn't want it to get lost or dirty, so I picked it up. You know, just to keep it safe, but then the guy got lost in the crowd, so I decided to keep it until I see the guy again. >Professor Oak came over. NYANKO: How *thrilling*. Professor Oak *came over*. CROW: Watch us gaze in rapture at the amazing descriptive text. ALL: Oooooooh... Aaaaaaah... >Professor Oak, very grave: "Ash, it is a serious crime to steal a Pokémon. >I hope you aren't lying. Let me check whose it is on the Net." MOUSE (Oak): Let's see... [typing] 'Found: Pokéball. No distinguishing features. Contents unknown. If you are it's owner, please send an e-mail to...' SIREN: Well, that would surely find *someone* to take it back. >The three Pokémon fanatics went inside the Oak house, from where they were >outside (they had had to battle outside). They went to a large computer [it >looks like Bruce Wayne's TV screen in Batman Beyond]. SIREN: Professor Oak... mild-mannered Pokémon expert by day, masked detective by night! NYANKO: *Someone's* gotta clean up the crime-ridden streets of Pallet. >The Professor logged on and went to site: http://pokemon.IDcheck.ind. [This >site is not real and you cannot get to it.] CROW: Three unnecessary notes in a single paragraph. Impressive. NYANKO: You could have just *said* that they went outside *earlier*, actually given a *description* of the computer for the Batman-impaired, and I think that most sane people would realize that there isn't *actually* a site where you can check the ID numbers on *Pokéballs*. SIREN: It's okay, Nyanko-san... calm down. >He double-clicked on ID check and typed in the ID labeled on the Pokéball. >It read: MOUSE: Giovanni? NYANKO: Lance? CROW: Ash? SIREN: Uh... Ash? CROW: Hey, it would add a cool element of mystery. You know, like, the Pokéball is *already* registered under his name! MOUSE: Actually, that *would* be kind of neat. >Damien. MOUSE: Darn. >Pokémon Trainer. NYANKO: As opposed to all those street peddlers and professional basketball players who have Pokémon registered on the database? >Pokémon: 72. SIREN: Seventy-two? How does he feed them all, or spend time with all of them? MOUSE: I hate to break it to you, but about 60 of those probably spend their time stored in a computer. SIREN: That's horrible! [Pulls out a sign that reads, "Trainers are the *real* monsters!"] Free the cute monsters! Viva la Revolution! Take down the cruel overlords! [Pause] SIREN: I'm hungry. [CROW passes her some pocky.] >Thunder Level. NYANKO: Which means what, exactly? CROW: Oh, it's some ranking system. Thunder Level is the third out of eight. Once you reach the last one, Earth level, you can join the Pokémon Leauge. MOUSE: In other words, Damien sucks. CROW: Eh, you could put it that way. >Notes: Recently, Damien has gained 3 Pokémon, won the Thunder Badge, and >lost 1 Pokémon. Pokémon caught... - Charmander, Squirtle, Bulbasaur. Data >of lost Pokémon unknown. MOUSE: How come he doesn't know which one he lost? NYANKO: Well, he does have 72 of them. He can't be expected to keep track of which ones bite the dust. SIREN: o/ Another one, another one, another one bites the dust! o/ >Professor Oak, stunned: "Ash! I'm surprised at you..." MOUSE (Oak): See, you can tell because it says "Professor Oak, stunned"! >Ash, apalled: "Professor, I didn't! I swear on my dead father's title as a >Pokémon Master!" NYANKO: Sailor Tin Nyanko, annoyed: "This isn't very dramatic!" MOUSE: Sailor Iron Mouse, bored: "Get on with it!" CROW: Sailor Lead Crow, angry: "This isn't quite prose, or script! It's some horrible mutant type of writing!" SIREN: Sailor Aluminum Siren, hungry: "Would anyone else like some pocky?" MOUSE: Sailor Iron Mouse, grateful: "Sure." >Prof., sighing: "I can see that. CROW: He can see *what*? That Ash didn't do it, or that Ash is swearing? >Okay, let's call Damien." NYANKO (Oak): ...names! SIREN (Oak): Your father was a Hamstermon and your mother smelt of Mystery Berries! >They called Damien on the videophone. > >A badly dressed, blue-haired guy answers in an almost fake-sounding thick >accent: "Allo?" SIREN: 'Allo there, mate! CROW: I can tell that this guy will be annoying, just from the accent. >Prof.: "Hello, is this Damien?" SIREN (Damien): Yes, but Damien insists on being called, 'Damien the Bold.' MOUSE (Damien): Damien the Bold will also speak in the third person. >Damien: "You got that right." NYANKO: Yep, Oak's a sharp one, all right. SIREN: Shouldn't that be 'raght'? NYANKO: Don't remind him. >Prof.: "Are you aware that you are missing one of your 73 Pokémon?" MOUSE: That's 72, not 73. CROW: No, he was listed as having 72 because he lost one, see? MOUSE: Oh... right. SIREN: 'Raght.' NYANKO: Stop that! >Damien: "Yeah, Ay thought Ay got rid of that stupid thing. CROW (Oak): Apparently Ay was wrong. NYANKO (Oak): Did you know that Ay was doing this? MOUSE: I suspect that it's all a plot by the nefarious Bi. >It was so stupid. It couldn't even beat a weak little Geodude. Did you fand >it in a trash can? If so, KEEP IT THERE! Goodbah." CROW: He sent a Pikachu against a Geodude and was angry because it didn't win? SIREN: Sounds like Damien doesn't have both oars in the water. >He hung up. > >Ash, furious: "HE...IS...SUCH...A...JERK!" MOUSE: WOULD... YOU... PLEASE... TALK... SOFTER! NYANKO (Ash): I... am... talking like... Shatner...! >May, alarmed: "Ash, calm down!" SIREN (May): [Snapping her fingers to the beat.] Play it cool, boy... Real cool. >Gary, walking in, back from treating his Squirtle, indignantly: "I am not a >jerk. Am I girls?" MOUSE: [cheerfully] Yes, you are girls! SIREN: Missing comma, I think. >Gary's cheer-leading squad: "Gary, Gary, on him you should bet! He's not a >jerk, he'll beat you yet!" MOUSE: Ow... the rhymes... NYANKO: They burn... CROW: Why does Gary have his own cheerleading squad? Is he a sports team or something? SIREN: Actually, he kind of is. CROW: Oh yeah... >[Please don't criticize this part. I have a very fragile little soul. ALL: ... SIREN: Oops. >I'm not good with rhymes. By the way, I think Gary's cheerleading squad in >the show really bites. Except that time they cheered for Ash. :)] MOUSE: So why are they in the 'fic? >May, turning to him in disgust: "He wasn't talking about you Gary!" SIREN: [,] I'm holding the comma hostage! If we're let safely out of the theater, I'll put it back unharmed! GALAXIA'S VOICE: What makes you think I care about punctuation errors? SIREN: Darn. CROW: ... How did you just *say* bracket comma bracket? SIREN: Hmm? Can't everyone? >Prof., typing on the keyboard: "Ash. I am talking to Professor Pollen, >leader of the council of Pokémon Professors, and he says that under >official rules...(Lifting the Pokéball) You are allowed to keep the >Pokémon." NYANKO: Professor Pollen? All Pokémon Professors have tree-related names! What's up with that? CROW: I dunno, but I think I'd like to meet Professor Sap. NYANKO: Huh? Why's that? CROW: Because he'd be really easy to fool! [NYANKO groans.] MOUSE: Hee hee, then you should watch out for Professor Bark, Nyanko. NYANKO: That's a stupid sterotype, Mouse. Just because I'm from Mau doesn't mean I'm afraid of dogs. MOUSE: Really? Then what about the time Sailor Bismuth Hound snuck up behind you and... NYANKO: Shut up! CROW: So then what does the name "Professor Pollen" imply? SIREN: [innocently] That he fertilizes lots of flowers? [MOUSE and CROW chuckle. NYANKO groans.] >Gary: "What?! No way! I get an extra if he gets an extra!" > >Prof., sighing: "Okay, okay. Gary, May, pick a Pokéball." MOUSE (Oak): ...any Pokéball! SIREN (Oak): Nothing up my sleeves, nothing in my hat... I am without tricks or deceptions. >He lifted two Pokéballs and Gary and May each took one. Gary got an Eevee >and May got a Geodude. CROW: May just has the worst luck, doesn't she? She takes Bulbasaur, who effectively has a useless type because it has no damaging Poison attacks, and a Geodude, which are as common as dirt. In contrast, Gary gets Squirtle, the best starting Pokémon, and an Eevee, which are incredibly rare and can evolve into Jolteon! NYANKO: Crow, nobody cares. >Gary: "Ash, what did you get?" MOUSE (Ash): [opening his Cracker Jacks] I got a miniature magnifying glass! Swell! >Ash: "Oh, right." > >Ash opened the Pokéball and a long flash lit up the room. Then, a Pokémon >materialized. CROW (PokéDemon): You have freed me from my thousand years of slumber, pathetic mortal! Now I will lay waste to all that you hold dear! SIREN: That would spice up the story. >It was a Pikachu. NYANKO: Surprise, surprise. >May, overjoyed: "Oh, how cute!" MOUSE: Hey, I'm the cutest mouse here, and don't you forget it! >Prof., judging: NYANKO (Oak): GUILTY! >"A Pikachu. Those are reputed to be the most hard- to-train Pokémon there >are, other than the Legendary ones. MOUSE: How do they know? Has anyone actually ever tried training a Legendary Pokémon? SIREN: It seems to me that would make them a little bit less Legendary. >And this one will be even more-so than usual because it probably >doesn't trust people anymore. I hope you're up for a challenge, Ash." > >Ash, eyes lighting up at the prospect of a challenge: "I'm up to it!" NYANKO: Hah. Some challenge. That Pikachu will have a deep and loyal bond of friendship with Ash by the end of this part, mark my words. CROW: Well, that's a given. >Prof.: "I'm sure you are. Anyway, here are 5 Pokéballs and your Pokédex, >each. I daresay you all know what they do." MOUSE (Ash): Uh... can you remind me again? > >Ash, Gary, May: "Right." CROW: Darn, we don't get to waste time having Ash run back and forth delivering packages to get his Pokédex and Pokéballs. >Ash tossed the Pokéball back at Pikachu. Pikachu bounced it back. Annoyed, >he tossed it again, and again, and again. It wouldn't go in. CROW: This doesn't make sense... The Pikachu was already caught in the Pokéball. It shouldn't be necessary to throw the ball, since he can just recall it with a beam. >Prof.: "Fascinating. It seems this is one of the few Pokémon that hates its >Pokéball. Ash, unless you weaken it enough, it won't go inside ever again." NYANKO: Oh, and other Pokémon just *love* being stored in extra dimensional pocket realms where they spend all of their time in between food, training, and fighting. That's why you have to beat them up in the wild before you can force them inside. >Ash just picked up Pikachu and carried it. As he did, it became angry and >shocked him. Ash was shocked at this [bad pun], but kept walking. This >happened every 10 seconds. MOUSE: This reminds me of Urusai Yatsura. SIREN (Pikachu): Darling no baka! NYANKO: Sorry, but drop that train of thought before I start having nightmares of Pikachu in a tiger-patterned bikini. SIREN (Pikachu): Pika pikachu darling pika! NYANKO: Stop it! >****** > >Outside, all of the people in Pallet were gathered to wish the new Trainers >luck. CROW: All, what, six of them? MOUSE: Six? CROW: [counting on fingers] Three random people outside, Ash's mom, two of Professor Oak's Aides, Professor Oak. >Ash's mother was there. After a very fussy goodbye, they left on separate >paths to Viridian City. SIREN: I thought that there was only one path to Viridian City. CROW: Yeah, it's aptly named Route 1. >Ash had to carry Pikachu in his electricity-proof coat to be able to go >anywhere, wheeling his bike after with one hand. MOUSE: I still wonder how that works. I mean, leather is an insulator and all, but would it really protect him from a Pikachu like that? NYANKO: Let's give him the benefit of the doubt on that count and just hope that Pikachu suffocates within the waterproof coat. >After awhile he gave up and sat down, dropping the bike on the side of the >path. > >Ash: "Pikachu, are you ever going to cooperate? I just need you until I >catch a few more Pokémon. I have an idea. You ride with me on my bike, and >I will let you free if you wish when I have five other Pokémon. Or when I >get to Viridian City. CROW: And what's to prevent Pikachu from running off beforehand? It's already been established that Ash is unable to recall him into a Pokéball. SIREN: Yay! Run for it, Pikachu! You don't owe him anything? >Don't take me wrong, I really like you. Its just that I can't have a >Pokémon that won't listen to me or even let me walk without shocking me. >Can't we just be friends?" SIREN (Ash): I'm sorry Pikachu; it's not you, it's me. I think it would be better if we stayed just friends. NYANKO: ... >Pikachu narrowed its eyes with the universal 'I'm better than you...oh, >and, by the way, you suck' pose. MOUSE: Hey, I know that pose! SIREN: Universal? I don't remember seeing that pose over at my end of the universe. MOUSE: Um, yeah, that's probably because you were just too cool of a *Mermaidian* for anyone to think they were better than you. CROW: You're sure one to talk. What are you, a Chuuian? A Chuuling? MOUSE: Chuuni. NYANKO: Sounds like some kind of deadly disease. MOUSE: Hmmph. >It seemed very willing to be freed. Ash sighed. NYANKO (Ash): They just don't make obedient gladitorial slaves like they used to. > >Ash: "Come on." > >Pikachu hopped onto the bicycle and they traveled down Route 1. Ash saw >something and stopped, stunned. NYANKO: ...and Ash, trapped like a deer in the headlights, was brutally run down by the sports car, leaving only a blue and black bruise-like smudge on the ground. [CROW and MOUSE clap.] SIREN: "Be careful, or be roadkill!" >He pointed his Pokédex quickly, excited. > >Pokédex: "Butterfree, the Butterfly Pokémon. In battle, it flaps its wings >at high speeds to release highly toxic dust into the air." > >It was a very handsome Butterfree, fluttering over some flowers. SIREN: Ash picked some of the flowers, and offered them to the handsome Butterfree, who blushed and bashfully accepted them... OTHERS: ... NYANKO: Gee, thanks for the extremely disturbing mental image, Siren. SIREN: Oh, you're welcome! >Ash: "All right! An evolved Metapod! Go get him Charmander!" CROW (Ash): [redneck-like] Yee-haw! We be going to have some supper tonight, Pikachu! >Charmander appeared in a red beam of light. Pikachu watched with mild >interest, about to see what his new and temporary Trainer was like. MOUSE: (shouting) Hey, Pikachu! Your new trainer is an annoying author avatar who behaves exactly like the Anime Ash, except more intelligent, skilled, cool, sensitive, and completely without any character flaws or personality traits to make him three-dimensional! NYANKO: Uh, I think Pikachu meant *Pokémon Training*-wise. MOUSE: Oh. Well, in that case, he's good. >Charmander: "Char! Char!" > >Charmander used the Ember attack. Butterfree could just barely take the >heat, and could still fly. SIREN: o/ Ya can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen! o/ >It flapped its wings and used Stun Spore. > >Ash: "Dodge, Charmander, and use Flamethrower!" ALL: ... CROW: Okay, a starting Charmander has Flamethrower... that's just wrong. MOUSE: But this is mostly anime-based. Don't all the Pokémon have all of their attacks in the anime? CROW: Normally, yes, but after Flareon made a big deal about the Charmander having *Ember*, this seems awfully careless of him. >The Flamethrower burnt through the spores and scores on Butterfree. NYANKO: That Butterfree is a goner. It could just barely fly after an Ember, right? If it was hit by a Flamethrower too, that thing would be charcoal. MOUSE: I don't know... Pokémon are pretty resilient. >Ash: "Pokéball, go!" > >Ash does his catching throw [he sticks the ball out in front of him, the >picture zooms around him, and he hurls the ball] and the light enveloped >Butterfree. SIREN: "Ash does his catching throw... and the light enveloped Butterfree"? NYANKO: He changed verb tenses! CROW: He changes verb tenses! MOUSE: He will change verb tenses! SIREN: He will have been changing verb tenses! >The ball wiggled for a moment and calms down. NYANKO (Ash): Yes! The Charcoal is mine! SIREN: Give it a rest, Nyanko-san. NYANKO: Hey, it was worth the catch! In Gold and Silver, it enhances Fire Attacks! >Ash: "Butterfree is mine! Awesome! Thanks a lot, Charmander!" MOUSE (Ash): Mine, all mine... Bwahahahaha! SIREN: The Butterfree isn't *his*! That slave driver. >Pikachu was fairly impressed. Ash had fought and captured a Butterfree with >a low-level Charmander and hadn't let Charmander receive any ill effects. >Perhaps he had some skill. Still... CROW: Yeah, a low level Charmander with *Flamethrower*! That sure takes a *lot* of *skill*! SIREN: I agree... he attacked the Butterfree twice and captured it. That doesn't sound very skillful to me. >****** NYANKO: Why haven't we been riffing the scene breaks? SIREN: That's because all of the good star quotes are taken. NYANKO: Really? o/ Stars, in your multitudes... o/ CROW: Been done. NYANKO: o/ When you wish upon a star... o/ CROW: Been done. NYANKO: [snapping her fingers] We are the six sacred shooting stars... CROW: That's been done. NYANKO: Fine! Don't riff the scene breaks! See if I care! SIREN: I should be the one singing, anyway. >Ash: "Another Pokémon!" ALL: Where? [ALL pantomime looking around] >Pikachu looked up. It was a Beedrill. SIREN: Was it a *handsome* Beedrill? NYANKO: Don't even start. >Ash: "What a find! That Beedrill must have come to get pollen all the way >down here from Viridian Forest! I'm gonna catch it! Go Charmander! Scratch >attack!" MOUSE: I don't get it. Ash said that he needed Pikachu until he caught a few more Pokémon, and yet he's only using Charmander in fights. >Charmander appeared and did its Scratch attack. Beedrill countered with a >Poison Sting attack. Ash couldn't tell if Charmander had been poisoned or >not. It was still fighting, and that was a good sign. > >Ash: "Charmander, okay! Use Flamethrower!" MOUSE: And then use Chainsaw and Machine Gun! SIREN: Stop being mean to the poor Pokémon! >Charmander used Flamethrower and scored a critical hit right on the >Beedrill's wing. The huge bee came crashing down, totally wiped out. NYANKO: Unfortunately, if he scored a *critical* on a *wing* with *Flamethrower*, that wing isn't going to be there any more. And a Beedrill that can't fly would be useless. SIREN: Suspension of disbelief, Nyanko-san. >Ash: "Pokéball, go!" MOUSE: With the standard "catching throw", probably. Don't you love stock footage? NYANKO: Doesn't the term "stock footage" only apply if they're reusing actual *footage*? SIREN: Well, what if the fanfic was getting too expensive, so the author cut corners by reusing the same phrases and descriptions? CROW: Oh, come *on*. You wouldn't think that unless you had a extremely mean or bizarre mind. >Ash's Pokéball hit the Beedrill and easily caught it. CROW: Great Galaxia, I hope the rest of the fic isn't just one Pokémon after another getting taken down by Charmander. SIREN: Well, don't set your hopes *too* high. >But suddenly Charmander falls over. It was gritting its teeth and was >sweating a lot. It was poisoned. ALL: Watch the verb tenses! >Ash, suddenly worried: "No! I forgot to pack my Antidote! Oh man! I've got >to find a Treatment Center!" > >Ash grabbed Charmander, placed him in his backpack, tail sticking out, and >rode so fast Pikachu could barely hold on. Pikachu dimly noticed a storm >was gathering. MOUSE: Why not just recall Charmander into a Pokéball? It would keep him from getting accidently hurt any more while Ash bikes. NYANKO: Common sense comes and goes in this fanfiction. >Suddenly, out of the blue, a Spearow flew in front of the bike and hit it, >causing it to crash down. Ash and his Pokémon fell off the bike with a >thud. The Spearow then uttered some kind of shriek and collapsed. CROW: Yeah, right. Ash is going so fast that Pikachu can barely hold on, but the impact of a small bird causes it to crash and burn? Small birds are light. They have hollow bones. And I should know. SIREN: Well, maybe it got caught in the spokes? CROW: Disgusting, but mildly plausible, I guess. >Pokédex: "Pokémon attack number four, Call For Family." MOUSE: The Pokédex is using this? NYANKO: A swarm of angry Pokédexes soon surrounded them. >[Heck, I couldn't get this little mixed-up piece of history in any other >way. NYANKO: You know, why did he need to make them use an attack from the CCG to get this "mixed-up piece of history" in? Must *everything* that the Pokémon do be an attack? Do they have "Walk" and "Eat" attacks? CROW: Well, there are "Bite" and "Fly" attacks, so... SIREN: Hmmph. They probably get the Pokémon to cooperate with them by replacing their "Think" attack with a "Follow Orders Mindlessly" attack. >Go ahead and try to flame me. I just increases my power. MWA HA HA HA HA >HA!!] MOUSE: Flame this! GALACTICA CRUNCH! [IRON MOUSE'S attack bounces off a force field in front of the screen.] GALAXIA'S VOICE: Sorry, no destroying the theater. MOUSE: Darn. >Ash had been about to catch the Spearow when he had heard the attack name. SIREN (Spearow): Star... Gentle... Uterus! MOUSE: Ash then fell over laughing, and the Spearow pecked him to death. >Ash: "Call For Family! Damn! We're in for company SIREN (Ash): ...and I didn't even get a chance to bake a cake! >and Charmander's already wiped out! Pikachu, get on!" > >Ash recalled Charmander as the first drops of water landed on his head. He >made sure Pikachu was secure, then rode really, REALLY, fast. CROW: Because Ash has really, REALLY strong leg muscles, I bet. MOUSE: But of course. He has an extremely athletic body, remember? CROW: Don't remind me. >Then he heard a call he would hear in his nightmares for the next few days, >at least. MOUSE (Naga): "Oooooohohohoho!" CROW (Hiroshi): "Work with me, Daisuke!" NYANKO (Shoggoth): "Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!" SIREN (Dub "Serena"): "Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" >Screech: "FEEARROOWW!" MOUSE: Hey, this is like the Pokédex! The Screech is *saying* "Fearow"! CROW: No, that's not what it means. It's saying that the screech is... um, wait, you're right. If it said "Fearow: 'Screeech!'" it would be a Fearow Screeching. As is... SIREN: The Screech is Fearowing? CROW: ...or something. >A shadow swooped over him and a Fearow, evolved from a Spearow, pecked and >clawed furiously at Ash's shoulders. Yelling at the pain, Ash punched back >and hit Fearow right in the middle of the eyes. NYANKO: Doesn't he mean, "between the eyes"? MOUSE (Ash): Doink! [poking Fearow in the eyes, Three-Stooge style.] >It blacked out and Ash sighed in relief. But it was short-lived. He looked >behind himself and a shadow swept over the land. Hundreds of Spearow were >gathering for a fight. NYANKO: What is this? "The Birds?" CROW: [Grinning] Hey... I kind of *like* this development. >He screeched to an abrupt halt. Hiding his bike in the bushes and holding >Pikachu, who was very scared, Ash watched the scene. The Spearow seemed to >be based around a spot not of where he was. CROW: Gee, what a great sentence. SIREN: I think he would have noticed if the Spearow were based around a spot that *was* "of where he was." >He followed with his eyes and saw a shape hiding in the bushes. Funny, why >were they attacking that thing? He saw a flash of red light and knew the >thing must be a fellow Trainer in trouble. MOUSE: [Blinks] Um, I don't follow that line of reasoning... SIREN: Maybe all Trainers carry around those little red laser pointer thingies? >Only one thing to do. He set Pikachu down and placed his Pokéballs next to >Pikachu. > >Ash, ordering: "Pikachu, I want you to get inside the ball now." > >Pikachu, shaking his head: "Pika." NYANKO (Pikachu): Only if *you* get inside a ball, too. Then we'll be even. >Ash, angrily: "Pikachu, it's much safer there. I promise I'll get you as >soon as I help this guy. He might die, and I gotta try to save him. Come >on, Pikachu. I don't want to see you hurt. (Sighing) If you don't get in >the ball, then please, watch over Charmander, and the other two. I beg of >you, if anything happens to me, make sure it gets to the Pokémon Treatment >Center. (His eyes are full of tears) I can't let it die. CROW: If Pokémon really die from poison, Koga's Gym must be located in a graveyard... >What kind of Trainer would I be, if I let my first Pokémon die on my first >day? ALL: A really crappy one! >I need you to do this for me, Pikachu. Please." > >Pikachu was moved. ALL: Awww... SIREN: Sniff... It's getting so emotional... >He looked down at the Pokéballs, then back up at Ash, and nodded. > >Ash: "Thank you!" MOUSE (Ash): Thank you... Thank you very much... SIREN (Ash): Thank you, come again. NYANKO (Ash): So long, and thanks for all the fish! CROW (Pikachu): [Threatening.] I'll thank you a new one! >Ash knew that Spearow were vicious and would attack anything that moved, if >that thing annoyed them. NYANKO: Well, then, Ash is *sure* to get attacked. >The Spearow almost hit him as he ran towards the Trainer but he jumped into >some bushes in time. He saw the Trainer, almost indistinguishable from the >rest of the ground as it lay, dripping with blood from scratches. Ash >couldn't bear it. CROW: Just grin and bear it, Ash. >The Spearow had to be stopped. SIREN (Ash): What you Spearow are doing is wrong! Pokémon Trainers should senselessly attack innocent Pokémon, not the other way around! I cannot forgive you! >He ran out to confront the Spearow, who stared at him mockingly. Maybe they >would leave the Trainer and his own four Pokémon alone if he sacrificed >himself. MOUSE: Or... maybe not. SIREN: That's it, Ash! Do the right thing! NYANKO: Yes, please sacrifice yourself so we won't have to put up with you any more. Please. >Sure, the prospect of dying scared him, but he would rather die a hero than >let another die and live in shame. CROW (Ash's Mom): Come back with glory, or on your shield! SIREN: o/ The minstrel boy to the war is gone o/ o/ In the ranks of death you'll find him o/ o/ His father's sword he has girded on o/ o/ And his wild harp slung behind him. o/ MOUSE: That's actually kind of appropriate. >Ash: "Spearow, do you know who I am? I'm Ash Ketchum, from the town of >Pallet! I used do say I'm destined to be the World's Greatest Pokemon >Master. I'm not so sure anymore, but I'm going to give it my best shot! So >I can't be defeated by the likes of you! I'm going to defeat you all!! DO >YOU HEAR ME?!! Go ahead!...COME AND GET ME!!!" ALL: [cheering] Yeah! Get him! Get him! >Pikachu, while watching this, realized that Ash might actually care for >others and Pokémon, enough to kill himself for them. SIREN (Ash): I have finally realized the error of my Training ways... for the pain and suffering I have caused my Pokémon brethren, I will commit seppuku to restore my honor! CROW: You know, Siren, that's the darkest riff you've made yet. >Strange. Pokémon Trainers never cared about their Pokémon. Was something >wrong with this one? NYANKO: Not yet, Pikachu. Wait a few seconds and there will be, though. >The Spearow dived toward Ash, squawking in triumph. Ash opened his arms and >closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable. SIREN: The inevitable last minute intervention that saves his life? >Pikachu, thinking: ^Hmm. He really cares for others a whole lot. This guy >is okay, I think. I hated humans when that wretch trained me, but maybe >this guy...Ash is different.^ NYANKO: Yes. Ash is... *special*. CROW: I take it you don't mean that in a good way. NYANKO: Of course I don't mean it in a good way! >Pikachu, for some reason beyond his knowing [which will be explained in >time], knew where the next of now numerous lightning bolts would be. >Risking his life and breaking his word, he jumped before the posed Ash and >used the most powerful electric attack any Pikachu had ever used, Thunder >Ball. This allowed him to direct a ball of energy fueled by the power of a >lightning bolt to use an attack similar to Explosion. A lightning bolt hit >him and he used his attack. He sent it out to all the Spearow. As he did >so, the surge of the attack knocked him and Ash flying backwards. No one >and nothing noticed that Ash's hair flared the color of the lightning and >shot up on his head for a second. ALL: ... MOUSE: ...Right, then. SIREN: That was weird. >[Mysterious, no?] ALL: No. >****** SIREN: You know, I just had a thought... remember back at the beginning, when the author said he didn't own Dragonball Z? CROW: Yes... and? [pause] NYANKO: Oh... his hair just turned yellow briefly, didn't it. [pause] ALL: NOOOOOOOO! LET US OUT OF THE FANFIC! GALAXIA'S VOICE: And why would I do that, hmmm? NYANKO: Please! Have mercy! You can put others in our place! GALAXIA'S VOICE: Others? CROW: Yeah! Stick Sailor Heavy Metal Papillon in here! Oh, and Sailors Pewter Fox and Titanium Kerokko! Nobody cares about them! GALAXIA'S VOICE: That's only three. MOUSE: Well, you can leave Nyanko in here. Nobody cares about her, either. NYANKO: Hey! GALAXIA'S VOICE: Much as it might amuse me to put the stealer of souls and the singing frog in here... no. SIREN: Darn. Now I'm sad. Where are the snacks? CROW: We're out. [pause] SIREN: [shaking her fist at the ceiling] You'll pay for this, Galaxia! Mark my words! > >Ash and Pikachu woke up to someone shaking them. > >Voice: "Wake up!" > >Ash, groggy and with eyes closed: "Wha?? Mom?" NYANKO (Ash's Mom): You have only one more minute to tag Lum's horns! The fate of the world is in your hands! MOUSE: I *wish* this was all a dream. >Opening their eyes, they saw a muddy face looking down at them. > >The muddy face spoke, with a half-smile: "Um...I don't think so. Are you >all right?" > >It was a feminine voice. Ash and Pikachu stared at the face and then looked >at each other, suddenly ignoring the person. SIREN: Suddenly ignoring her? How rude! MOUSE: Yeah! They should have at least had the decency to ignore her *gradually*! >Ash, smiling weakly: "Well, we beat em'." > >Pikachu: "Pi." 'Yup.' SIREN (Pikachu): If by "we," you mean "me." > >Ash looked in surprise. Pikachu weren't supposed to talk. SIREN: He says "Pikachu," all the time, loud and clear! That sure isn't a natural sound! MOUSE: Yeah, anything with vocal chords developed enough to say 'Pikachu', can say anything that we can, chuu. CROW: Would you please knock it off with the 'chuu's? It's really annoying. MOUSE: No! It makes me sound cuter if I sprinkle a few 'chuu's in my speech! >Suddenly, they both looked up and saw a strange, sparkling gold bird flying >over the rainbow supposedly caused by the storm. > >Ash: "Wooww..." NYANKO (Ash): Yo, man, psychedelic. I am the Walrus. Yo. Intense. Yo. MOUSE: Ah, those pesky drug-induced hallucinations. >Ash took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the bird. > >Pokédex "Ho-oh, the Rainbow Pokémon. Known only to exist in legends, only a >dozen Trainers have reported seeing it in history. SIREN (Pokédex): And they all reported it to the World Weekly News. >In the legend, Ho-oh was an undefeatable Bird Pokémon God whose most >powerful attack, Rainbow Beam, automatically knocks any Pokémon out, even >other mythical Poké Gods." CROW: ...let me guess. Now Ash is going to send out Charmander, who will Flamethrower it once or twice, after which Ash will catch it in a stock footage text line. SIREN: You don't think the author would actually do that, do you? ALL: ... >Pikachu: "Pika.." 'Wooww...' MOUSE: Woah, deja vu! NYANKO: Pikachu has LSD flashbacks, too. >Mud face: "Who are you? Why are there these Spearow lying on the ground, >everywhere?" MOUSE: What is that Mud Face, anyway? CROW: [reading a Monstrous Manual] Mudman... Location: Any pool, Very Rare, Nonintelligent, 2 Hit Dice... looks like this thing can hurl mud at Ash, then, when he's in range, it can jump on him and suffocate him. NYANKO: Great! SIREN: But it's talking, and you said that a Mudman is Nonintelligent. CROW: That mud face hasn't said anything intelligent yet. >After short order, the whole thing was sorted out. The Trainer was a 14 >year-old girl named Misty NYANKO: Damn, I wanted to keep calling her Mudface. SIREN: Oh, you still can if you really want to. >who was letting her Pokémon take a swim until the Spearow attacked her. >Knowing her Pokémon had no chance against the hundreds of birds of prey, MOUSE: I guess these are vicious, flesh-eating Spearow, huh? CROW: Clearly, they're at the top of the food chain. >she recalled them all and hid in the bushes. Unfortunately, the Spearow got >to her and put her in a world of pain. NYANKO: What, you mean where we are right now? >She had almost blacked out when Ash had come over. CROW: Gee, good thing he came along. She was *this* close to losing half her pocket change and reappearing at the entrance to the last Pokécenter she entered. >He yelled his challenge to the Spearow in order to save the Trainer (her), >and his Pokémon. SIREN: Hey, his commitment to his Pokémon comes first! I think the *responsible* thing to do would have been to leave Misty as a distraction and escape with Charmander. >Pikachu then broke his oath and used its Chain Lightning attack to fry >every single Spearow. CROW: Oh, I see, it used its Chain Lightning attack. That makes total sense. >This also knocked out Ash, Misty and Pikachu, but did no real damage. What >it did do was create a psychic bond [in a very long time, this will be >explained] with all near it. Misty was near Pikachu, so they found out she >could talk with Pikachu psychically as well, only since she wasn't as close >to Ash, she now had to be close to Pikachu to be able to think to Pikachu. SIREN: But what about the Spearow? They were pretty close by, too. Are they also psychically bonded? CROW: Little did Pikachu know that he had just given the Spearow a super-intelligent hive mind... >[By the way, Pikachu can tune into the two Trainer's thoughts and listen to >what they were thinking and feeling. This will be important some time later >into the story. :)] MOUSE: ...that's great. Thanks for the heads up, man. >Pikachu was now lifelong friend with Ash (and Misty, though Ash didn't know >that), and wouldn't be released even if Ash caught all 152 Pokémon. NYANKO: Oh, so Pikachu is the one who was *really* consigned to a world of pain. CROW: Hell on Earth, indeed. >[In this there is no Mewtwo yet, but there are legends of Lugia, Mew, and >Ho-oh.] As well as this, now Ash and Misty could understand the Pokémon >Language from Pikachu translating automatically. MOUSE: See, this is just one of the *many* handy uses of electricity in the modern world. >Ash was really amazed and delighted about this. SIREN: It's like your birthday *every* day when you're an author avatar! >Misty had woken up to find a field of fallen creatures, and had discovered >the Trainer and his Pikachu she had barely seen saving her life. She had >tried to wake them up, and succeeded. CROW (Misty): Rise! Wake from the dead, my undead servants! NYANKO: Yeah, and all of the "fallen creatures" became zombie minions under her control! >Misty was as tall as Ash and she had red hair clipped up on one side of her >head. She had crystal clear aqua-colored eyes and a slightly pointy nose >like Ash had. MOUSE: ...and like Oak had, and like Gary had, and like May had, and like Ash's Mom had... SIREN: This is anime, after all. >She wore a blue shirt and black shorts with red suspenders. She owned a >bike too. She had blue sneakers and a backpack with various remedies, >including Antidote. MOUSE: She's also covered in blood from many scratches, remember? Funny he would leave that out of her description. NYANKO: No, she has the magic ability to look good at all times. MOUSE: Kind of like me? [CROW rolls her eyes.] >Quickly, she found Ash's Charmander and had healed its wounds. > >Misty was a Water Pokémon specialist. Currently, she had six. A Magikarp, a >Gyarados [In this story she catches a Gyarados while in the TV show she >catches an Ash. *], MOUSE: Looks like she's close to catching an Ash in this fanfic, too. CROW: Though I don't know why she'd *want* him... >a Goldeen, a Seaking, a Staryu, and a Starmie. CROW: What a weird combination of Pokémon! She has the evolved *and* unevolved versions of three Pokémon types. Shouldn't a self-proclaimed Water Pokémon specialist have a little more variety? >Ash was impressed that she had caught a Gyarados, and said so. Misty, >thinking: If he's a Trainer, he'll probably try to get the Cascade Badge. >But I owe him my life. NYANKO: Yeeeah. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Ash responsible for the wrathful flight of Spearow in the first place? She doesn't owe him anything. In fact, she should belt him one. >How could I battle the guy who saved my life for something he's going to >need so bad? Oh, well, maybe things will work out in time... MOUSE: Doesn't she have three sisters who can wipe him out for her? >Misty, softly: "Ash. You saved me back there, so I owe you my life. CROW (Ash): Good. I'll collect now. NYANKO: Then he kills her. >I owe it to Pikachu too. MOUSE: How many lives does she have? >I need to repay you two, somehow." > >Ash: "No, its fine. You don't owe me anything. You'd do the same for me." NYANKO (Misty): ...uh, actually, I hate to break it to you, but I'd have left you to die a painful death. >Misty, with a flare of irritation: "Ash, I have my dignity!" > >Ash, looking down: "Oh. I'm sorry. I guess you're right." CROW: Being a cool author avatar, I tend to forget that other people have dignity. >Misty, nodding: "So I owe you! Name something I could do for you. I will >try to do it." MOUSE (Ash): Cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... A HERRING! >Ash, thinking: ^Hmm. She's right. She has pride, and so do I. SIREN (Ash): We have so much in common! >I might as well let her do what she seems to want to do. But I don't need >anything at all. Besides, it would be nice to have someone to talk to. >Maybe she'll stay with me and we could talk about Pokémon for a little >while longer. That's it!^ MOUSE: Yeah, maybe she'll stick around and *talk about Pokémon*, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more. CROW: Is that what they call it these days? >Ash: "The only thing you could do is guide me to the path to the Pokémon >Center." NYANKO (Ash): You're too inept to do anything else. >Misty: "But you saved my life! Surely you want something. MOUSE: Oh, I'm sure he wants "something," all right... >(A bit sadly) My Gyarados..." > >Ash: "No, I wouldn't take your Pokémon from you! That'd be awful!" NYANKO (Ash): I'll just take your bike, your soul, and your first born son, instead. SIREN (Ash): ...unless you can guess my name! CROW (Ash): You must answer me these questions three, ere you see the last of me... >Misty: "You said guide you to the Pokémon Center. I guess I could do that. NYANKO (Misty): I mean, putting up with you for that long is a little much for *just* saving my life, but... >Hey I know! I can be your guide to each town. I've been in many of them and >know what they're like." MOUSE (Misty): So are you looking for booze, women, or gambling? Or all three? >Ash: "I have a better offer. How about we become traveling buddies until >you do something that pays up for me 'saving your life'. You can do >whatever you want, but you've gotta stay close by so I can call on you to >help. And if nothing ever happens, you can just guide me until I'm at the >Pokémon League Finals. Sound good?" ALL: No! Don't do it, Misty! CROW: That isn't a "better offer" at all! >Misty, shrugging: "Okay. I wasn't planning on doing anything but raising my >Pokémon and catching more, anyway." MOUSE (Misty): [Dubbed Yui voice] Actually, I was thinking of getting married... if I find the right guy, that is... NYANKO: Don't remind me of Yui's Evangelion dub... please. >Ash, firmly: "You can do it on the road." > >Misty: "Yeah, it would be fun to wander around Indigo Island again." > >Ash: "You have before?" SIREN (Misty): Yes, back when I was six. >Misty: "Yup. I know each Gym Leader because I have a few badges. >Not enough to get into the League of course. But I've picked some up here >and there." MOUSE (Misty): That is, picking a pocket here, breaking into a safe there... >Ash: "Cool, can I see them." MOUSE (Misty): Hey, baby. Wanna see my... Pokémon League badges? NYANKO: Knock it off! MOUSE: Fine, fine... >After Ash looked at the badges (a Boulder Badge, a Soul Badge, and a >Cascade Badge), they both took a bath in a small lake, one at a time. [CROW is about to speak, but catches NYANKO's glare and stops.] SIREN: Gee, those two are getting along pretty well compared to the anime, aren't they? It's almost creepy. MOUSE: Well, it's not like Ash has a second romantic interest. SIREN: Sure he does: Pikachu! >It seemed that except for a few bruises, Pikachu's attack had charged them >up, which also sped up the healing process, helping to heal all of Misty's >scratches and restoring lost blood. NYANKO: [sarcastic] Hey! High-voltage electricity is good for the healing process? I guess that people should stick their fingers in electrical sockets when they're hurt! MOUSE: How is electricity supposed to cause bruises? >Pretty soon they were all fine and both got on their bicycles. Pikachu now >had a customary place on Ash's cap. It would later be a conflict over which >was now his main Pokemon, Pikachu or Charmander. Pikachu was eternally >bonded to Ash, but Charmander was Ash's first Pokémon. It would be admitted >to be Pikachu by a fair amount, in the end. ALL: ... NYANKO: Wow. I didn't care who rode on Ash's cap in the first place, but this passage has sent my level of caring down to the opposite end of the spectrum. I now hate Ash's hat. SIREN: Yeah. Good literature really has the power to move you. >It turned out that both Ash and Misty had custom-made bikes. Hers was a >deep black with bubbles splashing across it. His had a fiery background and >electric bolts all along it. They were the same size and seemed to be made >by the same bike specialist in Cerulean City. SIREN: Their "custom made" bikes are different only in color scheme? CROW: Considering what those bikes *cost*, custom paint jobs should be included free of charge. >They went back to the site where Ash had punched out the Fearow. It was >still conked out. It was a simple procedure to capture it. MOUSE: A simple procedure involving leg cuffs, wing clips, rope, locks, and a safe... NYANKO: That's some Fearow. >Then they camped out in their sleeping bags. Misty fell right to sleep and >Ash stayed awake doing what he always did at night... SIREN (Pikachu): "Pika!" 'What are we going to do tonight, Ash?' NYANKO (Ash): The same thing we do every night, Pikachu... try to take over the world! CROW: That's funny. I got an entirely different vibe from Ash doing "what he always does at night." MOUSE: I'm with Crow. >Narrator: "So ends the first chapter in our hero's book. What new >adventures will await our young champion as he, his new Pokémon, and the >Water Trainer Misty travel the world for Pokémon Training excellence? CROW: So this is Ash and Misty's Excellent Adventure? >Find out in the next chapter of 'What Legends Are Made Of'!" NYANKO (Narrator): Will Charmander continue to Flamethrower everything and everyone in it's path? SIREN (Narrator): Will Ash and Misty start a boring normal romance instead of a boring Ranma/Akane romance? MOUSE (Narrator): Will Team Rocket show up and be as annoying in the 'fic as they are in the anime? CROW (Narrator): Will the heavily foreshadowed plot points *actually* be explained, as the author claims? NYANKO (Narrator): Find out next time, on Dragonba... er, "What Legends are Made Of!" SIREN (Anthy): "Zettai unmei mokushiroku." CROW (Usagi): "The moonlight carries a message of love." MOUSE (Porky Pig): (stammering) "That's all, folks!" NYANKO: Okay, that's enough! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> ><> NYANKO: Less then, greater then, less then, greater then, Less then... CROW: That was an overdone scene break. SIREN: What happened to the six stars? MOUSE: Who cares! It's all over now! >Well, done with the first chapter. Actually, this was done way, WAY before >I posted it. I need reviews, with constructive criticism, so if you have >any ideas, don't forget to tell me! Thanks for reading. SIREN: You're welcome! OTHERS: No you aren't! >{::} NYANKO: So.. do we have any C&C? He asked for it. CROW: Hell yes! MOUSE: So what do you want to say? CROW: Ummm... suddenly I find myself at a loss. MOUSE: Well, how about that Ash guy? He's really annoying! I mean, he's all like, supposed to be so good, but all he really does is talk about how good he is and tell Charmander to burn things. CROW: Oh yeah, that's what I was going to complain about. The fanfic was just the first episode of Pokémon, modified so that Ash was cooler. Unfortunately, making Ash cooler only serves to make him more staggeringly boring. I'd say that what the anime really needs is an Ash that's *less* one-dimensional and good-hearted. NYANKO: Bleah. I suppose you could complain about Ash's "mad skills" as a Pokémon trainer, but you'd be missing the big point, which is that he's a Saiya-jin. That in itself is enough for me to make me start imagining the most painful way to kill the author. CROW: So what about you, Siren? Got any C&C? SIREN: No, I don't... If *I* had any Cookies & Cream, I would have eaten it so it wouldn't get all melty. ALL: ... CROW: ...no, Siren. Not Cookies & Cream. Comments & Criticisms. SIREN: Oh. Overall...? [expectant pause] SIREN: I liked it. OTHERS: *WHAT*? SIREN: It was an okay fanfic. It looks like the author might have a purpose, the characters are being developed in different directions than normal, and it has a reasonably lighthearted feel. Several things could have been improved upon, but it isn't that bad. The author shows potential. [ALL pause to consider this.] SIREN: Anyway, I think that this fic would have been better if the Pokémon had formed a rebellion against the trainers, killing them all in horrible bloody ways and forming a nation where monsters reign supreme! Rise up, my friends! Rise up and *destroy* your oppressors! [OTHERS sweatdrop.] SIREN: But that's just what I think. ----- [The ANIMAMATES rush out of the viewing room, skidding to a halt when they see the frowning face of GALAXIA on the video screen.] GALAXIA: Well, well, well... It seems that that wasn't enough for you, was it? NYANKO: Yeah, it wasn't *that* bad! MOUSE: Not sanity-blasting bad, at any rate. SIREN: I still think it was fairly good. GALAXIA: It seems that I need to take more drastic measures... Even worse fanfiction will have to be found! You will return when I have found a much worse fanfic, and then... you will be driven mad! Bwhahahahahaha! [Four black telephone booths suddenly appear around the surprised ANIMAMATES, and before they can do anything, the doors clamp shut and the booths vanish.] GALAXIA: Bwahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha! Aha... ha... [GALAXIA'S evil laughter gradually fades out.] GALAXIA: [to herself] How do I turn off this video feed? [She tinkers around with things that you can't see, since they're off the area of the viewing screen.] GALAXIA: Ah, there we are. [The scene fades out.] ----- >No one and nothing noticed that Ash's hair flared the color of the >lightning and shot up on his head for a second. ----- Release 1.1: website link added for release on Everything What is Crap September 21, 2005