MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 2: What Legends Are Made Of, Chapter 13 Original fanfic by Flareon With permission of the author. Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And spoilers for the Pokemon anime, if anyone cares. ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And amuses herself punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (Still adorable) Nyanko (It's chou very bad) Siren (Pleased to meet you) Croooow (Ruthless efficiency) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (la la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single direction, at an indeterminable speed and in a diamond pattern. An ANIMAMATE is inside each one, in various stages of discomfort and annoyance. They are still transformed.] SIREN: o/ One thousand, four hundred and ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall, one thousand, four hundred and ninety-two bottles of beer... o/ CROW: ... NYANKO: This is all your fault, Iron Mouse. MOUSE: My fault? How is this my fault? NYANKO: If you had just taken the damn Star Seeds of the Solar System correctly in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess! MOUSE: Oh, and you sure did a whole lot better! At least *I* managed to choose the right targets, something *your* pathetic intuition could never have achieved! NYANKO: Yeah, after a dozen tries! At least *I* actually hurt one of them! Did you ever even manage that? MOUSE: [making faces] Bii-da. NYANKO: [making faces] Bleah. SIREN: o/ One thousand, four hundred and ninety bottles of beer on the wall, one thousand, four hundred and ninety bottles of beer... o/ CROW: ... [Suddenly, a phone rings in LEAD CROW'S phone booth. She picks it up.] CROW: Hello. Transdimensional Void, Phone Booth Number Three. Sailor Lead Crow speaking. VOICE: What's your favorite scary anime? CROW: ... VOICE: ... CROW: What is it, Galaxia? GALAXIA'S VOICE: Fine, be that way. I have another fanfic for you. CROW: How are we supposed to get to the theatre? We're in a void and can't... [Suddenly, the four phone booths materialize on the bridge of Galaxia's donut-shaped spaceship. The ANIMAMATES are slightly startled.] CROW: Right then. [GALAXIA'S face appears on the big screen.] GALAXIA: Ah, here you are, all ready to view another delightful fanfic. NYANKO: Yeah, yeah. MOUSE: As long as we don't have to deal with another Saiya-jin Pokémon trainer, I'm happy. [GALAXIA grins evilly.] MOUSE: Er... suddenly I think I shouldn't have said that. GALAXIA: No, no, have no fear... your whining comments have no effect on my choice of fanfic, which was already made. Nevertheless, you will be experiencing Episode 13 of Alternate Reality Story 1, Saga 1. CROW: Dammit! I hate this story! SIREN: Yay, more cute Pokémon! NYANKO: Why Chapter 13? GALAXIA: Because it's the most *evil* number short of 666, and the author hasn't written *that* much yet. Though I imagine by the time he gets a few Sagas into the first Story, he should be getting pretty close. MOUSE: So how are we supposed to know what happened before? GALAXIA: Glad you asked! I'll turn you over to Sailor Batoles, who'll read you the summaries of the fanfiction so far, starting from Chapter 2. She'll hit the highlights for you. NYANKO: Oh, good *going*, Mouse... [The screen is replaced with the image of SAILOR BATOLES, sometimes called SAILOR BUTRESS. She looks very much like Galaxia, except that she wears black armor instead of gold and holds a battle fan, which she's currently resting over her shoulder with her left arm. She seems to be reading from a sheet of paper, and looks rather bored.] MOUSE: Hey, Sailor Batoles! Long time no see! BATOLES: Spare me the pleasantries, Iron Mouse. I'm here to perform an inane job, and that's quite enough tedium *without* having to listen to your squeaky, annoying voice. MOUSE: [taken a bit aback] ...well, excuse me for living. BATOLES: Maybe someday. [MOUSE looks irked, but quiets down. BATOLES begins to read.] BATOLES: [droning] Episode 2: On the road to Viridian City, Ash and Misty capture a few more Pokémon. Ash proves again that he's an excellent trainer. They encounter Team Rocket in Viridian, stop their nefarious plot to cause a power outage and steal Pokémon, and blow them up. SIREN: Oh, sorry. I must have missed something. It didn't sound like anything interesting happened at all. GALAXIA'S VOICE: You didn't miss anything. BATOLES: Episode 3: Outside of Viridian City, Ash catches a few more Pokémon. Team Rocket accosts them for Pikachu, who turns out to be amazingly powerful. Ash and Misty stop Team Rocket's nefarious plot to steal their Pokémon, and blow them up. MOUSE: I'm sensing a pattern here. BATOLES: Episode 4: In the Viridian forest, Ash encounters a Mankey, beats it up with his martial arts skills and Pokémon knowledge, and catches it. They also encounter a trainer named Samurai, and Ash battles him, winning handily. NYANKO: Stupid Saiya-jin Ash... SIREN: I wonder what the power level of a Mankey is? CROW: Then Samurai takes his own life to regain his honor. BATOLES: Episode 5: Ash and Misty reach Pewter City. Ash vows to beat Brock, the Rock-type Gym Leader, with Charmander and Pikachu. Ash starts to win against Brock, as Charmander and Pikachu reveal moves that Ash seems to have taught them retroactively, but Brock wins by a small margin. Ash, at the advice of Brock's dad Flint, charges Pikachu up with a windmill. In the rematch, Pikachu uses its skills and high power to beat Brock's Onix. Onix suspects Pikachu could be Redou, a demi-god associated with the Poké-God Zapdos (who, unbeknownst to the characters, appears to witness the battle). Brock decides to travel with Ash; Flint takes over the Pewter Gym. NYANKO: Frankly, that was more information than I needed to know. You could've just said, "Ash kicks ass and takes Brock as his personal lackey." CROW: Pikachu winning against Onix is so wrong on so many levels... MOUSE: How many levels is that? CROW: Okay, not *that* many levels. But it's still very wrong. BATOLES: Episode 6: Our heroes reach Mount Moon. Ash catches a few more Pokémon. They run into Oak, researching the Clefairy and Moon Stones in the mountain. Misty dreams of an evil young girl. Team Rocket attack, and get blown away. All the Clefairy fly away on a spaceship. Meanwhile, in the author notes Flareon denies that he gave Ash super powers; Ash is just very skilled, intelligent, and polite. NYANKO: And a SAIYA-JIN. SIREN: Yay, space-faring Clefairy! BATOLES: Episode 7: On their way to Cerulean City, Misty watches Gary fight another trainer and win. Gary challenges Misty for the Cascade Badge, and beats her Starmie with a Growlithe. They arrive at the city. Ash challenges Misty for the Cascade Badge. They're interrupted by Team Rocket, who get blown up. Ash beats Misty handily, and gets his second Badge. MOUSE: He also gets Badges for Fire-Making and Compass Use! CROW: Beating a Starmie with a Growlithe? [groan] SIREN: May the cuter, fuzzier animal win, I say! BATOLES: Episode 8: Our heroes encounter AJ's Gym. Ash challenges AJ's highly-trained Sandslash with Pikachu, and wins. Sandslash suspects Pikachu could be a Redou. Team Rocket steal Sandslash, but end up being dropped into a chasm. MOUSE: Hey, Team Rocket didn't get blown up! That's nice. CROW: [twitching] Pikachu... beats... Sandslash... it's like Starmie and Growlithe again... NYANKO: I think these ground-types keep saying Pikachu is Redou because they're so embarrassed to be beaten by something that all evidence says they should wipe the floor with. BATOLES: Episode 9: Our heroes run into a snotty Pokémon preparatory school. Ash shows his incredible knowledge of Pokémon levels and abilities. They get involved with a subplot involving the school system, a freshman named Joe, and a snotty other freshman, Jazelle. Misty challenges said Jazelle, and her Starmie is beaten by Jazelle's Graveller. Pikachu is revealed to be level 54. Ash challenges Jazelle, and beats her Cubone with Pikachu. Team Rocket, who are dropouts from this school, attack but are routed. Jazelle repents her sins. NYANKO: Gaaa! Level 54? What was Pikachu doing before Ash found him, hunting Gyradoses for sport or something? SIREN: They must have been reaching for names when they came up with "Joe." CROW: Pikachu beats Cubone? Fine, I'll allow that. But Graveller beats Starmie? Why bother with Types at *ALL*? BATOLES: Episode 10: On their way to Vermillion City, our heroes... CROW: NO! No more. I don't care what happened before this fanfic... I can't take any more of these horrendously mismatched Pokémon battles! [GALAXIA reappears on the screen.] GALAXIA: Oh, very well, I'll allow you to skip the last three episode summaries, but only because I'm eager for you to get to the actual fanfic. Now through the gates with you all! [The ANIMAMATES head towards the double-doors.] MOUSE: I don't get it. What was the big deal, Crow? CROW: [muttering to herself] Electric... Ground... Water... frickin' idiot... [The ANIMAMATES enter the double doors.] ----- [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] SIREN: Yay! [singsong] We get to see more Pokémon! We get to see more Pokémon! CROW: I'm glad *you're* enthused, Siren. >ALTERNATE REALITY STORY 1 - WHAT LEGENDS ARE MADE OF MOUSE: [screaming] Legends are made of *people*! > >SAGA 1: THE LEGEND BEGINS > >(c) Copyright 2000 by Flareon CROW: (c) is copyright 2000 by Flareon? Hey, he can't copyright the copyright symbol! NYANKO: That would be a great idea if you could manage it, though. > >DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon. SIREN: Nobody owns Pokémon! They're free spirits that belong only to themselves! NYANKO: Ah, Siren, it's cute you live in such a state of denial. >I wish I did, but I do not. I just write these lousy fanfiction. CROW: Yes, you do, Flareon. Yes, you do. > >{These things} - Means thought or psychic communication. MOUSE: I thought "these things" meant, like, a group of nearby objects. > >'Apostrophes' - Means Pokémon language deciphered into human language. SIREN: I wonder what he uses when someone is speaking and quoting someone else, then... > >[Brackets] - Means author notes. > > - Means change of scene. > >Narrator: "Well, Ash and his friends have reached the far north- >eastern beach of Indigo Island. But Ash seems disappointed..." SIREN: (Ash): You mean that the beach is just a bunch of *water*? >Ash: "Episode 13: Mystery at the Lighthouse!" MOUSE: In this episode of "Boy Detective Ash," Ash and his friends stumble upon an isolated lighthouse where a group of Pokémon researchers are being picked off one by one... but is the killer within their midst? > >Ash: "Man, a beach isn't exactly the best way to get Pokémon or a Badge." SIREN: What *is* the best way to get Pokémon and badges? CROW: Mug a gym leader, of course. > >Misty, peering at something: "Hold on a minute, Ash. What's that crawling >out of the water?!" CROW (Misty): Look, it's the birth of new amphibious life from the sea! NYANKO (Misty): Oh wait, never mind. It got eaten by a Seadra. > >Dexter: "Krabby, the Crab Pokémon. With its tiny legs, it is vulnerable out >of the water. SIREN: I thought Misty was a Water Pokémon expert... why did she need to ask Ash what a Krabby was? NYANKO: Because Ash is the 1337 #4><0|2 and Misty is teh lamer. SIREN: Oh, I see. >Note: This Krabby is twice as big as usual." CROW: That's one crappy Pokédex, if it can't recognize what's obviously a Kingler... > >Ash, awed: "That is one BIG Krabby! Go, Beedrill!" NYANKO: What, isn't he going to go after it with a stick? > >Beedrill: "Bzzzz!" 'I'm up for it!' MOUSE (Beedrill): I'm up for anything! Just let me out of that freakin' ball, for the love of god! > >The Krabby got into a fighting stance and bubbles foamed up at its mouth. SIREN: Gee, I sure hope Beedrill has gotten its rabies shots... MOUSE: A rabid Krabby? That actually sounds pretty cool, chuu! > >Ash: "Beedrill, Twineedle attack, now!" > >Beedrill swung its front stingers, hitting the Krabby multiple times. CROW: Attempting to use sharp needles as a bludgeoning weapon, huh? Beedrill deserves whatever's coming to him. SIREN: It's not Beedrill's fault... it's all because of Ash's mismanagement. >But this Krabby had a super-hard exoskeleton. It batted Beedrill away, like >an insect. ALL: Which it was. > >Ash, eyes narrowing: "Darn, Beedrill's attacks aren't going to work >on that shell. Nice try, Beedrill! Return. Go, Zubat! Supersonic!" CROW: Or, y'know, he could send out PIKACHU, the ELECTRIC-type one. MOUSE: Ash is being an unusually sucky trainer today, isn't he? NYANKO: Nah, this is about par for course for him. > >Zubat appeared and sonic waves shot out of its mouth, NYANKO: Meanwhile, waves of tactical brilliance came out of Ash's a... SIREN: Nyanko-san! >hurting everyone's ears and confusing Krabby. MOUSE (Krabby): [confused] Wait a minute... I don't have any ears! > >Ash: "Now! Screech!" > >Zubat screeched directly at Krabby, who covered its head with its claws. CROW: Covered the Zubat's head with its claws, that is. Then used Guillotine. > >Ash: "Pikachu, go! Thunderbolt!" > >Pikachu hopped off of Ash's head and shocked Krabby with fierce intensity. NYANKO: So, normally, cooked crab turns red... do Krabbys turn brown? SIREN: Noooo, not Sebastian! > >Ash: "Pokéball, go!" MOUSE (Ash): Go! Go away! Just get out of here! I never want to see you again! [sob] > >The red and white ball hit Krabby and sucked it in. The ball swiveled, but >Krabby hadn't enough strength, and Ash caught it. The ball flew back to the >teen's hand. > >Ash: "Yes! Excellent, Zubat! Good work, Pikachu!" MOUSE: Man, these guys are like puppies, always looking for a scrap of affection from their master... > >Zubat, joyfully: "Zubat!" 'Thanks!' NYANKO (Zubat): Now in return, I'll drain the blood from your warm, delicious corpse. > >Pikachu, shrugging: "Pi ka." 'Always is.' > >Misty, smiling: "That's not very modest of you, Pikachu." > >Pikachu, protesting: "Pikachu, pika pika!" 'But Ash is so good, he never >loses a Pokémon capture!' CROW: [sarcastic] Sure, Ash was great. Next time I want to see *him* go fight the Krabby and beat it down... then Pikachu can stand back and throw the ball. SIREN: Yeah! MOUSE: The problem is, this Ash probably could. > >Ash, smiling a little: "That may be, but that doesn't mean you can take it >for granted." NYANKO: After all, Ash's inherent suckiness could kick in again. > >Pikachu, smirking: "Pi." 'Okay.' > >Ash: "Good. Zubat, return." CROW (Zubat): Alright, I'm back off to Mount Moon. See you later. > >They wheeled their bikes across the edge of the beach. > >Ash: "Man, I'm tired of camping! I hope someone lets us stay for the night, >for once." MOUSE (Ash): I am *so* tired of having to break into people's houses and threaten them to get somewhere to sleep. > >Misty: "You said it!" CROW (Misty): You said it! You fool! Now the nameless evil that slumbers beneath the sands will be unleashed upon us all! > >Brock: "Ash, look!" SIREN (Brock): And Misty, don't look! > >Ash, whipping out his Pokédex: "What is it?!" NYANKO (Dexter): Man, I have no freaking clue. Now stop bothering me. > >Dexter: "Seel, the Seal Pokémon. Using its flippers, it often playfully >slaps other Pokémon, starting fights." CROW (Dexter): Which, combined with the fact that they suck, is why Seels are very close to extinction. > >There was a colony of Seel to the left. SIREN: A *nudist* colony of Seels. ALL: ... SIREN: Well, they aren't wearing any clothes, are they? > >Brock, after facefaulting: "Not that! There's a lighthouse up ahead." MOUSE: It's funny how the only one who saw that was the guy who keeps his eyes closed. SIREN: He doesn't need eyes, he has Zen. > >Ash, falling over, then getting up and peering at the building off in the >distance: "Oh, right. But I'm gonna catch me a Seel!" NYANKO: Seels, them are good eatin'! MOUSE: I suppose you could call their meat "Veel." SIREN: That's not very nice... > >Misty: "Me, too!" > >They picked out to Seel, separated from the others. Misty went first. > >Misty: "Seaking, go! Horn Drill!" MOUSE (Misty): Hey, Ash, want to see my Pocket Monster? It's horn can drill really well... [NYANKO groans in disgust.] NYANKO: The more I think about that, the more I wish I hadn't. > >Seaking appeared in the water and attacked Seel with a spinning horn, >automatically defeating it. CROW (Misty): Uh... gee, that was easy. > >Ash, admiring her work: [SIREN begins miming out a conversation with her hands.] SIREN (Ash): [shyly] Hey, Misty... SIREN (Misty): [hopefully] Yes, Ash? SIREN (Ash): I've got something to say. SIREN (Misty): Uh huh? SIREN (Ash): It was really cool... to see the skill... Your Seaking had... when making that kill. SIREN (Misty): [throatily] Oh... oh, Ash... OTHERS: ... >"That's a good Seaking!" NYANKO (Ash): Shame about the gaping bloody hole that you made in the Seel. >Misty, blushing a tiny bit: "Thanks. Pokéball, go!" SIRENS: Pokéballs are just a little bit unsure of themselves, and need verbal encouragement, the poor things. > >She caught the Seel. It was Ash's turn. CROW (Misty): Seaking, Horn Drill on Ash! > >Ash: "Butterfree, go! Sleep Powder!" > >Butterfree flew into the air and sprayed its Powder over the whole colony, >making every one fall asleep. MOUSE: Be afraid... it's the Butterfree of utter boredom! NYANKO: This whole *fanfic* is of utter boredom. > >Misty, smiling: "Your Butterfree isn't too bad, either." > >Ash, smirking: "I know." SIREN (Ash): It's a *handsome* Butterfree! > >He picked the second-biggest one and caught it. > >Misty: "Why didn't you catch the biggest one?" NYANKO (Ash): I don't want no fat, lazy-ass Seel on my team! > >Ash, scratching the back of his head: "Its probably the leader, and the >colony might go into panic without its leader." > >Brock: "Good thinking, Ash! C'mon, let's get to that lighthouse." SIREN: o/ There's a light... o/ ALL: o/ Over at the Frankenstein place. o/ > >Misty: "Right." > >They walked their bikes towards the lighthouse. NYANKO: ...and, once they were out of sight, the sleeping Seel were casually eaten by a passing Gyrados. MOUSE: But at least their leader was with them when they died! >It was black outside when they finally reached it. > >Brock: "Man, this place was a lot farther than it looked!" > >Ash: "Look at the doors..." > >They all stared at the doors. They were each huge, iron doors. MOUSE: This is how the Celadon City Port Authority is spending taxpayers' dollars, huh? >The strange part was that both had pictures of Pokémon etched into them. >Each door had pictures of Pokémon on them. There were pictures from >Bulbasaur to Ho-oh, scattered everywhere. CROW: Celebi, however, came back in time and erased any trace of it's presence. SIREN: What trace of its presence? CROW: Exactly. > >Misty: "Woooww..." > >Ash: "This guy must be a real Pokémaniac..." MOUSE (Ash): I mean, *our* every waking moment revolves around capturing, training, and battling Pokémon, but this guy, like, has them on his door. What a freak. > >Brock lifted the door-knocker and slammed it down three times. To the right >of them, a voice spoke from a speaker. > >Voice: "May I help you?" > >Misty: "Um, we were wondering if we could sleep in any extra beds you might >have, maybe?" MOUSE (Voice): No, but you could sleep in *mine*... > >Brock: "And I would like to cook something for our group. And I'd be more >than happy to cook you something as well." NYANKO (Brock): After all, we have a nice supply of fresh new Seel meat... MOUSE (Brock): It's full of blubbery goodness! > >Voice: "Well, that would be great! But I cannot eat right now. NYANKO: More for the rest of them, then. What do you say, Siren? I know you're hungry. Do you want green eggs and Veel? SIREN: I do not want green eggs and Veel. I will not eat the poor, cute Seel! NYANKO: Would you eat them with cooked Krab? Will you eat them if you're sad? SIREN: I would not eat them with cooked Krab. I will not eat them if I'm sad. I do not want green eggs and Veel. There's better ways to get a meal! NYANKO: Would you eat them if they're chips? Will you let them touch your lips? SIREN: I would not eat them if they're chips. I will not let them touch my lips. I would not eat them with cooked Krab. I will not eat them if I'm sad. I do not want green eggs and Veel. Stop asking me, you total heel! NYANKO: Would you, could you, in a nest? Eat them, eat them, as a test! SIREN: I would not, could not, in a nest. I will not eat them as a test. I would not eat them if they're chips. I will not let them touch my lips. I would not eat them with cooked Krab. I will not eat them if I'm sad. I do not want green eggs and Veel. Ask one more time... [SIREN brings her bracers down into attack position, a deranged gleam in her eye] SIREN: ...your soul I'll steal! NYANKO: [scared] Oh... heh heh... never mind, then. >My name is Bill. Nice to meet you" > >Ash: "Why can't you eat?" CROW (Bill): Because I don't have any unsuspecting victims to devo... I mean, because I ate candy and spoiled my appetite for dinner. > >Voice: "You'll see if you come in." > >The doors slowly opened by some magical force, and they walked into a large >dark room. Inside, all they could see was pillars and a videophone to the >right. MOUSE (Ash): Iiieee! Where are the walls? > >Ash: "Hey, why don't I call Professor Oak and check on my other guys? My >cell phone batteries have been dead for a while. Is that okay, Bill?" SIREN (Ash): o/ I'm glad we caught you at home. o/ o/ Could we use your phone? o/ o/ We're all in a bit of a hurry. o/ > >Voice of Bill: "Sure, but hurry up. This is rather uncomfortable." > >Ash: "We'd better help you first. Where are you?" > >A light appeared and shined on 'Bill'. 'Bill' was a large extinct Kabuto. NYANKO: Woah, if Bill is extinct, I guess they've just been lured into a trap by a vengeful ghost. CROW: Well, if I was extinct, I'd be pretty vengeful too. > >Kabuto: "I am Bill." ALL (Bill): Take me to your leader. > >Ash: "WAAH! But that's a Kabuto!" SIREN (Bill): o/ Don't get strung out by the way I look. o/ o/ Don't judge a book by its cover. o/ o/ I'm not much of a man by the light of day o/ o/ But by night I'm one hell of a lover. o/ CROW: Siren. SIREN: Yes, Crow? CROW: It was funny at first, but please stop singing Rocky Horror songs. For all our sanities. MOUSE & NYANKO: Hear, hear! SIREN: Awww, but they fit so well! > >Brock: "Kabutos died out over 10,000,000 years ago! This is impossible!" SIREN (Brock): o/ Let's do the time-warp again! o/ CROW: Siren, what did we just say? > >Bill: "No! I am Bill, I'm a human!" MOUSE (Bill): I'm not a doll, I'm a *real* boy! NYANKO: Then his nose suddenly starts growing. > >Misty: "What?" > >Bill, waving his small appendages: "This is just a costume. MOUSE: Bill has some unusual kinks... >Young man, please come up to me. You must help me!" NYANKO (Ash): [to Brock and Misty] It's a trick. Get an axe. CROW: Heh heh. > >Ash, running up to Bill: "What do I do?" > >Bill, pointing his little arm to a small button on his suit which the arm >couldn't reach: "See this button? I put it there to get out of this >costume. But these arms can't reach the button." MOUSE: Sooo... he's smart enough to design an incredibly realistic, human-sized Kabuto costume with mechanical parts and fully working appendages, but not smart enough to get out of it? CROW: If I'd ever had any respect for Bill, I would have lost it now. > >Brock, as Ash presses the button: "How long have you been trapped?" > >Bill was a man who looked to be in he later tweens [twenties]. He was about >Ash's height, and had green hair. NYANKO (Bill): Thanks. Now can you get me out of this Ferio costume, too? > >Bill: "About a day, I think. I'm pretty hungry, so if you would go through >that door over there (pointing), you'll be able to cook a meal." SIREN: Hmmph. Is he saying Brock can't cook a meal right now? CROW: It's a magical Door of Bestowing Culinary Knowledge. > >Brock: "Thank you." > >Ash: "Now to call the Professor. I wonder if he's in?" MOUSE (Ash): I mean, he could have been outted. > >He dialed on the phone and Professor Oak answered. > >Prof.: "Oh, hi Ash! How are you doing?" > >Misty: "We're fine Professor." CROW (Oak): I asked Ash, not you. Ash, would you please silence your boring romantic interest? > >Ash: "How's my new Krabby doing?" > >Prof.: "Oh, Krabby? NYANKO (Oak): Was that yours? I already ate it. It was delish. SIREN: Hmmph. CROW: Seriously, though, what *do* people eat in the Pokémon world? There don't seem to be any nonsentient animals, and even being a vegetarian isn't safe, considering a lot of the plants. >See for yourself." > >He moved his videophone camera so that Ash could see his Krabby in a jar in >the background. SIREN: Umm, the Pokémon are sent to Oak via a high-tech instantaneous Pokémon transport system, and then they're kept in *jars*? CROW: I didn't even think they were physically present; I assumed they were kept in Pokéballs. Hope Ash doesn't catch an Onix or anything. > >Prof.: "Gary caught one too. It is about the same size as yours, actually." MOUSE: Well, *I* want to know who has the larger Krabby! > >Ash, a little irritated but curious: "Oh. So, how are Gary and May doing?" MOUSE (Oak): Gary has foiled a Team Rocket plot to seize the headquarters of Silph Co., defeated all 8 Gym Leaders, captured Zapdos, Articuno, and Moltres, beaten the Elite 4 and become the Champion, and is currently pursuing Mewtwo in hopes of capturing hi... oh, wait, Mewtwo just appeared in a jar over there. Looks like Gary got him. NYANKO (Oak): Meanwhile, May has raised an army of primitive, Bug Pokémon savages in the west, and has begun her assault upon the civilized world. She's already seized most of China. MOUSE (Oak): So, what have *you* been up to? > >Prof.: "Well, each of them have 2 Badges, May has 45 different types of >Pokémon, and Gary has over 50." > >Ash, crestfallen: "Great. I'm farther behind than I thought. I've only >caught about 17." SIREN (Ash): o/ ...going on 18... o/ > >Prof.: "Yes, I know. And I'm glad you have, because my laboratory is >getting quite full already." > >Ash: "How are Fearow, Pidgeotto, Bulbasaur, Venomoth, Mankey, Farfetch'd, >Clefairy, Paras, Goldeen, and Seel? CROW: And what about Happy, Sneezy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doc? SIREN: I want to know how Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are doing. > >Prof.: "They send you their best wishes. NYANKO (Oak): By which I mean they all hate your guts. >(Smiling) Your Bulbasaur has been quite a hit with some of the >other Grass Pokémon in my laboratory." MOUSE (Oak): Let's just say that Bulbasaur is taking after Professor Pollen. CROW: You know, wouldn't Grass Pokémon need a Bug Pokémon as a go- between to breed? Possibly a Beedrill? MOUSE: Only if they're wimpy flower-types like Bellossom. > >Ash, smirking: "Cool." MOUSE: He's getting some vicariously through others. > >Prof., curious: "By the way, Ash, where are you calling from?" CROW (Ash): Huh? Oh, Switzerland. But don't worry about the cost... it's being charged to your account. > >Ash: "We're in a lighthouse on the far northeast coast, and the owner is >named Bill." > >Prof., one eyebrow raising: "Really? That must be Bill, NYANKO: Woah, Oak sure is a smart one. Considering Ash just told him Bill's name and all. >the famous Pokémon Researcher. He specializes in finding out what Pokémon >think and feel, and why they act as they do. SIREN (Oak): However, since Pokémon are just as intelligent as humans, even to the point of having their own myths and British accents, his research was thrown out the window years ago. Now he tinkers with mad scientific devices in between his part-time job as a garbage man. >He knows much, much more than me in that area of expertise. Find out all >you can from him. It'll be a good experience." CROW (Oak): You might even gain a level! >Bill, walking over, curious: "Is that the famous Professor Oak?" MOUSE: Not just any Professor Oak... the *famous* Professor Oak. >Prof., turning to Bill and grinning: "Hi, Bill! I hope you'll give my >friends a crash-course on Pokémon for me!" > >Bill, grinning briefly: "Sure, Professor." CROW (Bill): I'm so good, I only use one card and let them draw two! > >Prof., turning back to Ash: "Goodbye, Ash. Nice hearing from you." > >Ash: "Bye." > >He hung up. Bill scratched his chin thoughtfully, as Brock walked in. > >Bill: "Well, I'm never a one to refuse a request from the famous Professor >Oak." NYANKO (Bill): The obscure Professor Oak is a jerk, though. >Brock: "What?? I set our dinner up, CROW (Brock): ...and it took the fall for us. >so we can start eating anytime now. > >Ash: "Cool. I'm starved." > >Pikachu: "Pika." 'Me too.' > >Misty, flashing a smile: "Me three." SIREN: Me four! > >Bill, perplexed: "Huh?" > >Ash, Misty, Pikachu, and Brock sweatdropped as they remembered Bill doesn't >know Ash and Misty could understand Poké Language. MOUSE: He's jealous because the voices don't talk to him, too. > >Ash, sweatdropping: "It's a long story." CROW: Yeah. Way, way too long. [The OTHERS mutter assent.] > >Bill, nodding: "That's fine, I have time. Tell me all about yourselves over >dinner." MOUSE: That's a nice first date. CROW: Well, it's good that Bill is getting to know them before they sleep in his bed. > >Ash: "Okay. Brock, what are we having?" > >Brock: "Well, since we've been walking all day and are all tired, I cooked >up my special 'Brock's Lazy Boy No-Chew Stew'..." SIREN: Which is actually just chicken broth with a cooler name. > ><><><> > >Jesse, James, and Meowth were close to Bill's Lighthouse, watching it. ALL (Rockets): ... NYANKO (Meowth): Yep. Dat's a lighthouse, alright. > >Meowth: "The kids went in dere!" > >Jesse: "So, how do we get in?" > >James: "We can climb that vertical cliff and sneak through the back in a >surprise attack..." > >Meowth: "...Or enter the front door in a bold, uncharacteristic attack. >So..." > >Jesse: "...We climb the cliff!" > >Meowth: "Cuz the bad guys always gotta sneak in..." > >Jesse: "But it will be tough to reach the top!..." > >Jesse and James: "...Because we're afraid of heights!" > >Meowth fell over, embarrassed. ALL: ... MOUSE: I'm not sure there's anything we can really say here. SIREN: It sort of speaks for itself. >They started to climb up the slanted outward cliff. CROW: A slanted cliff? It's either a cliff or it's a slope, guys. > ><><><> > >Bill, after swallowing a mouthful of stew: "Absolutely fascinating!! >Pikachu has telepathic powers and can talk to you two only?!" > >Ash: "Yep. Cool, huh?" [ALL think about that for a moment] MOUSE: Eh, not really. NYANKO: It's really sort of contrived. > >Bill, looking overwhelmed: "Can you, Ash, and you, Misty, talk together?!" CROW (Misty): Ano... English... speak none. SIREN (Ash): Umm... Nihongo o hanasemasen. MOUSE: Their relationship needs work in communication. > >Misty, after taking a chug from her water: "Nope. We can only talk to >Pikachu, and we can't hear his thoughts, but he can hear ours, I think." > >Pikachu: "Pi." 'Yep.' CROW (Pikachu): And a more fiendish form of torture has never been invented. > >Ash: "Pikachu just said 'yep'." > >Bill, shaking his head in disbelief: "I get that sense. (Looking at Pikachu >thoughtfully) NYANKO (Bill): I bet he'd go great with tartar sauce... SIREN: Stop it! >Do you realize, Ash, that if I unlocked this power of Electric Pokémon, how >it could change our whole way of living? Think of it! People able to talk >to their Pokémon just by thinking!" > >Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu: "Wooow.../Piiika..." MOUSE (Bill): It would usher in a whole new era of laziness, wherein nobody would have to leave the comfort of their couch! They could just mentally command their Mankeys to get them beer or change the channel, saving them even the trouble of speaking! OTHERS: Wooow.../Piiika... > >Bill, flustered but with an intense light in his eyes Ash had never seen >before: "I have been a Researcher most of my life, but you two could easily >know more than me in a month or two, since you know what Pokémon say and >would be able to communicate with them. I feel unneeded." SIREN: [warmly] Yes, Bill, your lifework of attempting to unlock the Pokémon psyche is now completely, totally unnecessary. Doesn't that just make you feel all fuzzy inside? > >Ash, waving a hand in dismissal: "No, I only want to be a Trainer. You >heard my story." MOUSE (Ash): I have no desire to apply my unique talents in the fields of Pokémon sociology, psychology, or communications. I just wanna kick some ass! NYANKO: And I, for one, applaud his priorities! > >Bill, nodding: "You're a Poké Warrior. MOUSE: A Pocket Warrior? So does... NYANKO: Would you please refrain from the sexual innuendo for once? MOUSE: Fine, but you know you'll just be thinking it anyway. >Even if you only want to be a Trainer. Let me see if I've got you straight. >You are a Pokémon Trainer who has caught usually very powerful or extremely >advanced Pokémon. SIREN: Yeah, Krabby and Seel! >You've only been on your Journey for less than two months. MOUSE (Bill): And you've caught 17 Pokémon! That's... not very impressive, actually... >You first got Pikachu unknowingly, then officially received Charmander. The >first day, you caught 5 Pokémon, which is pretty impressive. NYNAKO: Man, in one full day of play, I could get *so* many Pokémon... CROW: If you had no life, that is. NYANKO: [hastily] Right, right. I've never spent all day playing video- games before, nor will I ever in the future. Nope. No sir-eee Bob. >(Looking at Ash and Misty with a twinkling in his eyes) MOUSE (Bill): Death-ray vision, activate! >Then, you saved this young woman's life, and now she follows you. CROW (Ash): Well, on the world map she sort of collapses into me, but basically, yeah. >Then, you beat this young man, Brock, with two of your Pokémon that were >least effective against him. He followed you, too. So all three of you are >traveling on Ash's Journey." NYANKO: Actually, they're all tagging along on *Brock's* Journey. > >Pikachu: "Pika pika." 'All FOUR of us.' SIREN (Other Pokémon): All TWENTY of us. > >Ash: "Yeah." > >Bill: "You've caught almost one fourth of the most you will capture on your >Journey." MOUSE: Lessie, 150 divided by 4... is about 37, actually. 17 isn't quite 37. SIREN: I guess Bill is just a prophet and knows how many Pokemon Ash will catch. CROW: No, no, you guys. You're missing the point. Ash and Bill are counting each Pokemon evolutionary line only once. Counting Flareon, Jolteon, and Vaporeon seperately, and not counting the Omastar, Kabutops, Aerodactyl, or any of the legendaries, there are 73 fully evolved Pokemon in the first 150. 73 divided by 4 is 18.25, so Ash has indeed caught almost one fourth of them. ALL: ... NYANKO: Crow, because you knew, just off the top of your head, how many fully evolved Pokemon there are, I will never have any respect for you ever again, ever. > >Ash, eyes widening: "I have? (Seeming to calculate) Oh. You're right. >(Surprised) That was quick." NYANKO: I will also have no respect for Ash. MOUSE: Did you before? > >Bill: "You hope to enter the Pokémon League next year; Pikachu won't go >into a Pokéball; You have 2 official and 1 unofficial Badges, SIREN (Bill): And a handful of Badges you made yourself out of construction paper and markers. >though the unofficial one may be valid by the League Championships; you >were Professor Oak's top pupil, so you must be quite smart." > >Ash, blushing: NYANKO (Ash): Duuuuh, tanks. >"Thanks." > >Misty: "Yeah, you should have seen him talk about Dragonair! CROW (Misty): He's a master of talkin' trash! >Or seen him fight Mankey!" > >Bill: "That's another amazing thing. The Mankey you described sounds like >the h/w size ratio of the Krabby you caught." MOUSE: The same height/width size ratio? That's either one tall, round Krabby, or one very short, squashed Mankey, then. > >Brock: "What?" > >Ash, thinking: "Yeah, just about." NYANKO (Ash): However, my fantastic mind is only capable of estimating it's height to seven decimal places, so we can't be sure. > >Bill: "Mankey is one of the Fighting types, yet you beat it. Usually, >only master Warriors would be able to accomplish that." SIREN (Bill): Though just about anybody can beat one of the Pacifist types. > >Ash: "I guess I'm pretty good. I have been training myself in three martial >arts for most of my life, and I am a black belt in two of three. NYANKO (Ash): And it helps that I'm a *Saiya-jin*. CROW: You just can't get over that, can you? NYANKO: What, are you saying you can? >But, my Pokémon helped defeat that Mankey too, so I can't take much >credit." > >Misty, sounding irritated: "That's another thing! Ash is always so damn >modest! CROW (Ash): Fine, fine. I admit that I'm the best there is. Are you happy now? >He pretends like he's average. He's not! I swear I've never seen anyone >fight so good, except for maybe Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, SIREN (Bill): You've seen Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan fight? MOUSE (Misty): Oh, yeah, we're all best buds. After they were eliminated in the last King of Fighters tournament, we all went out and got drunk together. SIREN (Bill): You saw the King of Fighters tournament? MOUSE (Misty): Err, I *won* the King of Fighters tournament. >or train their Pokémon moves faster!" SIREN (Ash): Bulbasaur! TodoBodyslam, youslamyourbodyintotheopponent. Gotit,okaygood! > >Bill just looked at her with a smile. > >Misty, annoyed: "What?" CROW (Bill): You have something stuck between your teeth. > >Bill: "You remind me of a friend of mine." NYANKO (Bill): And you, Ash, remind me of someone named Mary Sue. Or was that Marty Sam? > >Misty, curious: "Who?" > >Bill, blushing a little: "Well, the truth is...I grew up in Pallet, and I >knew Ash's mother." > >Ash: "You did??!" MOUSE: In the biblical sense? > >Bill: "Yes, and Ash's father. Deria said almost the exact same things about >Ash's father, before they got married six years later." > >[I'm keeping her name 'Deria', okay?!] NYANKO: No, it is not okay! I deny you the right to name her 'Deria!' You must reshape the fanfic to suit my whims! Bwahahahahaha! SIREN: Are you all right? NYANKO: ...I feel much better now. GALAXIA'S VOICE: I see I'm making progress driving you insane. >Misty: "Are you saying...that..." > >Ash, confused: "...Misty...my mom...me...my dad-" MOUSE & SIREN (Ash & Misty): We're *related*? > >They both burned red and looked away from everyone. Brock and Pikachu >snickered and looked at Bill. > >Brock, whispering: "Good one, Bill!" MOUSE: It was? What did he say? CROW: I think he was implying they were like a married couple, but not in a particularly embarrassing way... > >Bill, looking puzzled: "What? What did I say?" > >Brock laughed and Bill took charge. NYANKO: I wouldn't take charge. *I'd* make them pay *cash*. > >Bill: "I am a Pokémon Researcher. I find out mysteries about Pokémon, and I >find out what Pokémon think. When I was in the Kabuto costume, I was >dressing up like it to see what it must have been like to have that body, >so I could see what Kabutos actually might have thought. CROW: I'm going to go out on a limb here, and guess that they thought, "Kabuto, kabuto." >But, now that you have arrived upon my house, I'll try to work with you on >a mystery that has haunted me for a while now. SIREN (Bill): Just where *do* all the socks go in the laundry? >I'd like it if you came to help me." > >Ash, looking at Bill, blush fading: MOUSE: He should really reapply his makeup. >"What's that?" > >Bill, looking out the window: "Come with me." ALL (Bill): ...If you want to live. > >They went to the top of the lighthouse, where the light would shine. CROW: However, instead of light, there was only cold, bitter darkness, because Bill is incompetent. I mean, he was stuck in a Kabuto costume for a day. SIREN: You can probably see a bunch of shipwrecks from there, though! >The air was cold. > >Bill: "Four years ago, I recorded this music, sent across the ocean. MOUSE (Bill): It's so much cheaper than legally buying the CDs! >Of course, only something very big could make such a big sound." NYANKO (Bill): I want you to go across the ocean and find out who has such a kick-ass stereo system. > >Recorder, blasting over ocean: "OOONNN? IAANNGGH?" 'HELLO? IS ANYONE >THERE?' > >Bill: "I knew it must mean a Pokémon was lonely and wanted to meet its own >kind." > >Ash, Pikachu, Misty, and Brock listened, mesmerized by the speech, singing >like it was music. SIREN (Recorder): o/ "OOOOOOON IAAA DRAAAA OOOAAA UUUUUUN..." o/ o/ 'She'll be coming round the lighthouse when she comes...' o/ o/ "OOOOOOON IAAA DRAAAA OOOAAA UUUUUUN!" o/ o/ 'She'll be coming round the lighthouse when she comes!' o/ o/ "OOOOOOOON IAAA..." (x3) o/ o/ 'She'll be coming round the lighthouse... (x3) o/ o/ "OOOAAA UUUUUUN!" o/ o/ 'When she comes!' o/ CROW: That was... uh, beautiful, Siren. MOUSE: Where did you learn to sing in Pokémon? SIREN: Well, I had a lot of free time in the Transdimensional Void, so I studied the original Japanese version of Pokémon and picked up the language. NYANKO: I thought you spent your time singing "5000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall!" SIREN: That was practice for saying the same damn thing over and over again. NYANKO: I see. >Bill: "Then, a few months later, I played the music again, hoping to find >that Pokémon." > >He did now, and the music held the four travelers to the spot. MOUSE (Brock): Now... I understand it all... all the mysteries of the universe... she *will* be coming 'round the mountain when she comes! >Bill: "To my great surprise, it came. And, I think it will come again." NYANKO (Bill): I fear that it will come again soon for me... CROW (Bill): "The end is near. I hear a noise at the door, as of some immense slippery body lumbering against it. It shall not find me. God, that hand! The window! The window!" MOUSE: Um, right... SIREN: Fear the wrath of the Elder Gods! I mean, Poké Gods! >A huge shape came out of the fog rolling off the ocean. > >Ash: "Holy..." > >Misty: "Good lord..." > >Brock: "Oh, my-..." CROW (Brock): "...goddess!" MOUSE: Why is everybody suddenly so religious all of a sudden? >Pikachu: "Pikaaa..." 'It's her...' > >Ash, staring at Pikachu: "What?" > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash and Misty: {There are legends of the eight Poké >Gods. SIREN (Pikachu): There are also biographies of the other three, and the twelfth one has a talk show on primetime TV. >Of the birds of prey and lightning-fast dogs that were blessed with >tremendous powers: NYANKO: Birds of prey? Articuno looks more like a dove than anything else. CROW: She's a dove of *prey*. >Suikun and Articuno with Ice, SIREN: I just love Sui-kun and Arti-kun, oh, yes I do! >Raikou and Zapdos with Thunder, MOUSE: Their powers are entirely sonic? >Entei and Moltres with Fire, CROW (Pikachu): ...Rollinstone and Greatdead with Rock... >Lugia with Psychic, and Houou with Energy. NYANKO: And by "Energy," we mean "Fire." >Well, in Pokémon legend, there was another, greater God. Her name was CROW: Yahweh! SIREN: Bless you. >Dragonight, a God with the representation of a Dragonite, only about 100 >times bigger and blessed with powers of all Types and with the >invulnerability to all Types as well. Now, banded together, the eight Poké >Gods could easily wipe out Dragonight, MOUSE: ...how? Dragonight is invulnerable to all Types of attacks! He just said so! SIREN: They'll just all talk him out of fighting or something. >but separated, one was no match. Granted, any Poké God could wipe out any >regular Pokémon, CROW: Oh really? Let me send, say, my Golem against Raikou and put that to the test... the only "tremendous power" Raikou's going to have is the power to bleed profusely all over Golem's hard, round ass. Rhydon or even Marowak would work too. NYANKO: Crow, this isn't the damn video game. CROW: Tell that to Pikachu, who's level 54. >and it is the greatest honor to serve under them. Well, they say about >2,000,000 years ago, Dragonight did something to anger the others. NYANKO: 2,000,000 years? These Pokémon must keep *really* good records. >She made a near-identical of her, with one difference. He was male. MOUSE: Which, when you're that size, is a *big* difference. NYANKO: ... >The birds didn't want two of the same Poké Gods at a time, because they >could mate and ruin the other Poké Gods' power. So, they banished him and >put all of their might into diminishing her power. They succeeded, and she >had just the amount of power a regular Dragonite would have, SIREN (Bill): The power to deliver mail! >and the same disadvantages, CROW (Bill): Like looking really stupid. >though she hardly needs all of that, sense she can beat any Pokémon with >regular power anyway. Now, she roams forever, looking for her mate, ever >hopeful, but ever with sorrow.} SIREN: Well, where did they banish the male one? NYANKO: Probably to "another dimension." > >Ash, feeling insignificant: "Woah..." > >Misty, pointing: "Look, its almost near the lighthouse!" MOUSE (Misty): It's not quite near the lighthouse yet... but it's getting there! > >Jesse and James, climbing the cliff, saw it too. > >Jesse: "Oh...my...god..." > >James, nodding: "Poké God." [ALL applaud, mock-enthusiastically.] CROW: Oooh, clever. MOUSE: I know *I'm* impressed. NYANKO: Now *that's* wit. SIREN: Worship the Pokémon, foolish humans! > >Meowth: "What?! (Looking at Dragonight) IT'S HER! RUN! RUN!!" > >Jesse: "What are you jabbering about??" CROW (Jesse): It's just a gigantic version of one of the strongest Pokémon in existence. What's the big deal? > >Meowth: "It's Dragonight! Don't get her angry! We don't know how much power >she has!" > >Jesse, eyes glinting in anticipation: "Power??" MOUSE: Woah! News flash! The 700-foot Dragonite might be powerful! SIREN: Imagine that. > >James, screaming in fear: "POWER!!" > >Ash heard from up above and looked down at them. NYANKO: And yea, the almighty Ash did verily smite the evildoers with bolts of lightning. > >Ash: "Don't you guys ever quit?!" > >Jesse: "Quitting is not in our vocabulary! ALL: But you just said it! >So prepare for trouble!" > >James: "POWER!!" SIREN: To bring down our masters on an icy night, And to claim the power when the stars are right... > >Jesse, slapping him: "Oh, shut up." > >Meowth, paler than ever and trembling: "Meowth, let's run! They say >Dragonight hates bad guys!" CROW: No, Meowth, that's just what your mother told you to keep you in line as a kitten. > >Bill, leaning over the parapet: MOUSE (Bill): Team Rocket has a Pokémon/Human translator *too*? Am I the only one out of the loop here? >"You people must get out of here!" > >Jesse: "Why??" > >Bill: "The Dragonite might leave!" > >Meowth, eyebrow twitching: "Really?! That's good..." > >James: "It's too big! I'm scared!" ALL: And pathetic! > >Dragonight peered down at Team Rocket. She had sad eyes. NYANKO (Rockets): Who was the sorry excuse for a deity that created *this* Poké God? Those eyes are just *sad*. >Team Rocket suddenly went limp, falling into the cold waters below. >Dragonight looked after them balefully. MOUSE (Dragonight): Oh, sure. Run away. Just because I'm a god doesn't mean I don't have *feelings*! CROW: I suspect you just summed up all future Dragonight angst. > >Pikachu: "PIIKA, PIKACHU??" 'WHAT'S WRONG, YOUR HIGHNESS??" > >Dragonight, voice soft and as if coming from deep inside the creature: >"Aun? Dra, gon, rag, ooon drag." 'A Pikachu? Well small one, though it >shouldn't be of your concern, I hate being so large, to be frank, compared >to other Pokémon and the humans.' MOUSE (Dragonight): You wouldn't *believe* my food bills. > >Pikachu, still at the top of his lungs: "PIKA??" 'WHY??' > >Dragonight: "Ooon drag, dragonigh, oooon." 'I have no reason to live >without happiness, and in my cursed state, I can do little more than >destroy things, rather than help heal our world.' SIREN: She could destroy things for peace! > >Ash, turning quickly to Bill: "Bill, is there a way you could make >Dragonight shrink?" NYANKO (Bill): I could blow her into small pieces... would that work? > >Bill, eyes not straying from Dragonight, slowly: "There might be. I'd have >to work with all of the other Professors to make it, though." CROW: Wait, Bill is a Professor? Why doesn't he have a tree name? SIREN: We should give him one, then. NYANKO: How about Professor Black Locust? MOUSE: Why Black Locust? NYANKO: Erm, because it's a kind of tree and, um, starts with 'B'. CROW: You just like Black Locusts because they're poisonous. NYANKO: So? > >Dragonight, with a glimmer of hope and surprise: "Draag??" 'There's a >way??' > >Ash, shouting: "PROBABLY, DRAGONIGHT. IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE, THOUGH. YOU'D >HAVE TO STAY WITH BILL." CROW (Ash): YOU MIGHT ALSO HAVE TO DO SOME CHORES FOR HIM, CRUSH HIS ENEMIES UNDERNEATH YOUR GIGANTIC HEEL, STUFF LIKE THAT. NOTHING MAJOR. > >Dragonight: "Dra. Dragonite. Gonite drag." 'Maybe. He'd have to be worthy. >He'd have to be able to capture me.' > >Bill, quickly: "What did she say?!" MOUSE (Ash): She said that you have to give me all of your money and Pokémon, or else she's going to unleash her terrible wrath upon you. So, uh, c'mon. Cough it up. > >Ash: "You'll have to capture her." > >Bill, dismayed: "I have no Pokémon!" SIREN: Wait, then how does he study their thoughts and stuff? CROW: By dressing up in costumes, apparently. > >Ash, quickly: "Use mine." > >Ash handed his Pokéballs to Bill. MOUSE: So Bill is holding Ash's balls. NYANKO: That was too obvious. MOUSE: I know, how could I resist, chuu! > >Bill, looking at Ash: "Are you sure you don't want to try to capture her?" > >Ash, hurried: "Just do it!" CROW (Ash): I want to see Dragonight utterly demolish you so that I can formulate my own strategy to capture her! Now do it, before you catch on! > >Bill, uncertainly looking at the Pokéballs: "Are you sure they'll listen to >me?" > >Ash, nodding: "If I tell them to." SIREN: That kind of misses the point, though, doesn't it? > >Bill: "Pokémon, go!" > >Out popped Charmander, Butterfree, Beedrill, Zubat, and Wartortle. Pikachu >jumped to Bill's side. > >Ash: "Guys, you need to help this man. Please." CROW (Ash): The man needs help... professional help. > >Pikachu: "Pi kapi!" 'Count me in!' > >Charmander: "Charmander!" 'Me too, Ash!' > >Butterfree: "Free, butterfree?" 'Why not, old chap?' NYANKO (Ash): Because your accent annoys me and it's time for you to die. [BLAM!] MOUSE: Man, Nyanko, you seem even more violent than usual lately. NYANKO: I can't stand much more of this crap! Seriously! > >Beedrill: "Bzzzz!" 'Right on!' > >Zubat: "Zub." 'Okay.' SIREN: Zub a zub zub, three bats in a tub! > >Wartortle, crossing his arms across his chest glaring at Ash: "War! >Wartortle war!" 'No! My first battle's by you!' SIREN: How sweet, he wants his first time to be with Ash. OTHERS: ... > >Ash: "Okay, Wartortle, I'll direct you." MOUSE (Ash): Now, Wartortle, this time I want you to put more *feeling* into it. Your motivation: you're trying to prove yourself to your mentor. Try to express that eagerness for combat. > >Misty: "You might need these guys help as well. Go, Staryu, Charmander, >Starmie, Goldeen, Seaking, Gyarados!" CROW: It's Goldeen that's going to swing the tide of the battle, I just know it. > >Brock: "You guys, too! Graveler, Onix, Zubat, Zubat, Zubat, and Zubat, all >go!" MOUSE: Woah, they don't name these guys, even when they have multiples of the same species. SIREN: The Man is always trying to take away the Pokémon's identity and dignity! > >Everyone but Brock sweatdropped as he released four Zubats in succession. > >Dragonight: "Dragonite..." 'This might hurt...' > >Ash: "Sorry, Dragonight! Wartortle, go! Surf into it!" NYANKO: And Dragonight claims her first KO as Wartortle knocks himself out surfing into her. > >Bill: "Okay Pokémon, listen to me! Charmander, Flamethrower! Pikachu, >Thunder! Butterfree, Tackle! Beedrill, Pin Missile! Zubat, team Supersonic >with Brock's Zubats!" > >Misty: "Staryu, Starmie, and Goldeen! Surf with Wartortle! Gyarados, Hydro >Pump! Charmander, help Ash's out with your own Flamethrower!" NYANKO: Woah, Ash has a flamethrower? Cool. CROW (Ash): This... is my BOOM STICK! > >Brock: "Zubat, team Supersonic! Onix, Rock Throw! Graveler, Tackle!" > >A huge wave with Pokémon guiding it hit Dragonight, while a bunch of Zubats >screeched in her ears, and two Flamethrowers burnt a few of her scales. The >other attacks didn't do much, except Pikachu's Thunder, when he jumped on >Butterfree's back, then into the water when all other Pokémon were clear, >sending 10,000 volts into the current, which greatly shocked Dragonight. SIREN: Does anyone else feel at a loss as to what to say again? [ALL nod in agreement.] > >Dragonight, fazed: "Drag. Dragonight." 'Ouch. My ears really hurt.' NYANKO (Dragonight): You have two more rounds before I kill you. > >Bill: "Okay, Charmander, Fire Spin! Pikachu, Thunderbolt! Butterfree, Sleep >Powder into Dragonite's nose! Beedrill, Twineedle! Zubat, with the other >Zubats, Screech!" CROW (Bill): To summarize... everyone just attack the damn thing! > >Ash: "Wartortle, Bubblebeam!" > >Misty: "Charmander, Fire Spin! Stayu, Starmie, team Spinning Tackle! >Goldeen, Horn Attack! Seaking, Waterfall! Gyarados, Wrap the legs!" MOUSE: Dragonight, flex a single leg muscle and destroy them all! > >Brock: "Graveler, Rock Throw! Onix, Rock Slide! Zubat, team Screech!" > >Dragonight was blasted back as Gyarados wrapped around its legs and the >force of the other attacks knocked into it. > >Ash: "Bill, use whatever Pokéball you have! Now!" > >Bill, eyes widening, gripping his pocket: "Oh, right! Let's see, my most >powerful prototype... (finding a Pokéball in his shirt pocket) MOUSE (Bill): Dammit, here's a Pokeball, but where's my powerful prototype? >okay, Hyperball, capture!" > >A yellow ball, charged with electricity, sped through the air in an almost >unbeholdable blur, almost at Mach 3. CROW: Wouldn't a Mach 3 Pokéball just punch a hole through Dragonight's body? >It hit the huge Dragonite, sucking it in. Furiously, the ball rocked back >and forth, while all of the Poké Fans above watched, breathless. A normal >Pokéball or custom ball would have split into a thousand pieces by now, but >this was a Hyperball, the second most powerful ball in history, and the >very fastest. SIREN: So if it's neither a normal Pokéball nor a custom Pokéball, just what kind of Pokéball is it? MOUSE: A plot-contrived Pokéball! >For a full minute, the ball rocked. NYANKO: HELL YEAH! Let's rock! [NYANKO begins headbanging to the Pokérap. The OTHERS sweatdrop.] >Then, finally, it stopped. It flew to Bill's hand. CROW: ...and, moving at close to Mach 3, tore it right off Bill's arm. > >Ash: "Congratulations!" > >Misty: "You caught the most powerful Pokémon alive!" NYANKO: It freaking STOOD there and LET him beat it up! > >Bill: "But I'm not a Trainer! I'm a researcher! I never wanted to catch >Pokémon!" SIREN (Bill): I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Swinging through the trees! > >Brock: "This one agreed. Its for scientifical reasons, and the better for >Dragonite." [ALL snicker.] CROW: I'm sure Dragonight's sacrifice will be very beneficical to science. SIREN: And the *much* better for Dragonight! > >Ash: "By the way, its name is spelled D-R-A-G-O-N-I-G-H-T. Not D-R-A- >G-O-N-I-T-E." > >Bill, raising his eyebrows: "That's what Pikachu said?" MOUSE (Ash): Yeah, didn't you see him spell it out in sign language? > >Misty: "Yeah." SIREN: Umm, Pokémon spell using English letters? > >Ash, calling all of his Pokémon back: "Okay guys, return." > >Brock, copying Ash: "You too, guys. Great job." CROW (Brock): Man, you guys are so good at attacking defenseless, wimpy suckers. I've got to have you beat up civilians more often! > >Misty, copying Ash and Brock: MOUSE: The pod people... they're here already! >"Time for a rest." > >Bill: "We'd better get rest, too. SIREN: Got rest? MOUSE: Get rest. It pays. >There are beds upstairs, but..." > >Misty, ignoring him: "BEDS?! Real beds?! All right!" CROW (Misty): I'm so tired of all those fake beds people keep trying to pass off on us! >Bill: "Wait, there's-" NYANKO (Bill): ...an anvil... MOUSE (Misty): Aaaargh! NYANKO (Bill): Over the trap door... MOUSE (Misty): Iiiiiieeee...! NYANKO (Bill): ...into the pit full of poisoned spikes. Oh well. > >But Misty was already running up the long staircase. > >Ash: "She's like that." CROW (Ash): ...Stupid. > >Brock, nudging Ash: "And you should know..." > >Ash, fiercely: "What is that supposed to mean?!" MOUSE: It's supposed to mean that she's eagerly run up to *his* bed before... NYANKO: Thanks, we know what it's supposed to mean. > >Bill chuckled and Brock laughed. They both went upstairs, leaving an amused >Pikachu and a fiery Ash. SIREN (Pikachu): Piii, kaaa. 'So, shall we proceed up to a room ourselves?' > >Ash, eyes narrowing after Brock: "That Brock...ooh..." NYANKO (Ash): He's so witty! After a comment like, "And you should know," all I can do is stand here blushing and defeated! > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash: {Yes, you would know.} NYANKO (Ash): Aaagh! Not again! > >Ash, watching where Misty had ascended the stairs, looking flustered: >"Yeaaahh...anyway, time for bed." > >He went upstairs, went into a bathroom he found, and brushed his teeth. >After flossing, he went to the door into what he assumed to be a bedroom. CROW: How wrong he was. How terribly, terribly wrong. >Misty, Bill, and Brock were there, arguing with Misty. They didn't notice >him listening in, curious. SIREN: Curiouser and curiouser... > >Misty: "...Still, I think I should get the bed! Why is there only one, >anyway?!" > >Bill: "I tried to tell you, I don't get much company. MOUSE (Bill): So when I do, I certainly don't want them sleeping in a different bed... >But I do think that you should decide amongst yourselves logically, not >just taking what you, personally, want." CROW: Logic: There is one bed, and three people. Therefore, all three people should sleep in the one bed. MOUSE: Heh heh. > >Brock, irritated: "Yeah, stop acting like a spoiled brat, Misty! We should >wait for Ash! He's probably the most tired anyway. He caught Krabby and >Seel, and you only caught Seel. NYANKO: Yeah, his throwin' arm is probably pretty worn, huh? >And I think he should get a reward for letting Bill use his Pokémon for >capturing Dragonight." SIREN: Um, they all did that. > >Misty, looking at the lone bed: "Maybe you're right about something. CROW (Misty): But you aren't right about *this*. >But, if he doesn't want it, I get it!" > >Brock: "Fine. (Turning to Ash with a smile, as if he had known Ash was >there the whole time [he might have]) SIREN: That's pretty creepy. >Oh, hi Ash. Didn't see you there." > >Ash smiled at them. They finally noticed him standing in the doorway. He >appeared to think. MOUSE: Because we all know he doesn't *really* think. [ALL nod in agreement] > >Ash: "I say we decide this with a match." > >Misty: "Not a Pokémon match." NYANKO (Ash): No, no. A regular match. We set the bed on fire, and that way nobody can use it. > >Ash: "Nope. A rock-paper-scissors match. (Holding out some straws Pikachu >mysteriously handed him) High straw doesn't go first. That would >be...Misty. So its Brock or me versus Misty for the bed." CROW: Wait a second... they're deciding who will go first in a Rock- Paper-Scissors match by *drawing straws*? Does anyone else recognize how idiotic they are? SIREN: Umm, no. Why are they idiotic, Crow-san? How else are they going to fairly decide who goes first? ALL: ... CROW: Never mind. > >They rock-paper-scissored. A tie. A tie again. MOUSE: C'mon, Brock! Knock him dead with scissors! SIREN: No, he'll be expecting that... NYANKO: Ash, take a rock from Brock's book! CROW: Paper, Brock! It's the only way! ALL: ... NYANKO: Man, this is pathetic. >Then Ash won. When Ashand Misty faced off, Ash won again. Inwardly, >he sweared. CROW (Ash): Dammit! I'm just *too* good! >He didn't even want the bed. He was too used to sleeping without one. NYANKO: Ooh, tough boy Ash. >Bill left and Ash lay down on the bed, looking out the window towards >the stars. MOUSE: I wonder when Ash is going to see the full moon. NYANKO: Oh, don't worry, he won't go Oozaru... he doesn't have a tail. MOUSE: Darn. Oozaru Ash versus Dragonight would really spice up the story. >It wasn't enough. The window wasn't big enough. So he stared around the >room. There was Brock, snoring lightly; Pikachu, at the end of his bed, >curled up in a blanket while breathing silently; and Misty, shivering. CROW: Great Galaxia! MOUSE: What? CROW: It's proper use of semicolons! >This old place was pretty drafty. Ash wasn't cold, the bed was comfortably >warm. He stepped out of his bed and stood next to Misty. Then, though he >didn't want too, he picked her up and set her in the bed, placing a >still-sleeping Pikachu next to her. NYANKO (Ash): Mysterious force... taking... control... of my mind... >Then he set out his sleeping bag and left the room. > >He went over to the room he had seen Bill enter. It was another bedroom, >only much smaller, with one bed. Bill snored lightly in it. The Pokéball >wasn't there, so he went downstairs. > >[He is going to steal Dragonight, in case anyone was wondering. >:')] CROW: I wasn't really, but thanks for giving us the heads-up. We wouldn't want any surprises in the story, now, would we? SIREN: That emoticon scares me... > >He turned on a light, and saw the yellow Hypeball by the videophone. He >picked it up and went up to the lighthouse. SIREN: Wait, I thought he was *in* the lighthouse! > ><><><> > >Misty woke up, still cold, when she felt someone lifting her. Biting back a >cry of alarm, she squinted her eyes to see Ash's face. CROW (Misty): Oh. Great. That's really what I wanted to see first thing in the morning. >Then, she felt herself in a warm bed with Pikachu gently breathing beside >her. MOUSE (Misty): Oh my god, how drunk was I last night? NYANKO: Arrgh! Mouse, don't tell me you've joined in with Siren's disgusting Pokémon-human innuendos, have you? MOUSE: Umm, well... SIREN: Hey, love is love! >Watching Ash leave, she followed, wanting to know what the deal was. NYANKO: However, Ash's expertly trained radar senses detected her a mile away. > >He was going downstairs. She saw him turn on the lights and grab the >Hyperball. > >Misty, thinking, horrified: {Ash is stealing Dragonight???!!!!} CROW: Well, duh. Remember the author note? SIREN: Good thing Misty used seven punctuation marks. Otherwise I might not have known she was horrified! > >She was relieved when he didn't leave the house, just went up the set of >stairs to the lighthouse. She waited for 10 minutes, wondering what he was >doing and making sure he hadn't seen her. Then, she got impatient and >followed after as quietly as she could. As she walked up the round >staircase, she heard Ash's voice, seemingly talking to Dragonight. > >[Just kidding about the stealing thing. ^-^;;] ALL: ... NYANKO: Y'know, I'm not particularly angry at Flareon over this... in fact I was kind of expecting it... but it suddenly hit me that I would very much like to kill something. You know, just to relax. Like Ash. Killing Ash would be good. [The OTHERS glance worriedly at each other.] > >Ash: "...And how was it like, alone for a billion years?" MOUSE (Dragonight): "Drag draag drag." 'Man, it was really a drag.' CROW: Okay, that was just bad. >Dragonight: "Dragonight draag drag." 'You wouldn't believe how lonely it >can get.' > >Ash: "Why did you make a mate?" MOUSE (Dragonight): Uh... I'll tell you when you're older. SIREN (Ash): But I'm old enough right nowwwwwww...! MOUSE (Dragonight): I mean older as in several millennia. CROW: Now *that's* mature subject matter. >Dragonight: "Dragonight, dra night." 'I wanted someone to speak to, and to >love." SIREN (Dragonight): ...And I'd call him George. > >Ash: "Why love?" MOUSE (Ash): *I* get by just fine with shallow one-night stands. > >Dragonight: "Dragonite, dragonite." 'We Poké Gods have no friends or >family, and I wanted to know what it was like." NYANKO: Maybe nobody likes you because you're boring and ugly. Did you ever think of that? > >Ash: "I can understand that, I think. But I think you would get bored with >your mate. I mean, you live for a long time." > >Misty could see Ash on his back, with his black sweatpants on and shirt, >staring up at the stars. Dragonight's head was laid upon the tower, and Ash >was petting it. SIREN: So... Ash is human sized... and that head has got to be at least 100 feet... NYANKO: Great! Do you realize that this is the closest Ash has come to death yet? SIREN: How so? NYANKO: If Dragonight twitches the wrong way, he'll be crushed! CROW: We can only hope. > >Dragonight, sadly: "Drag dragonight. Dragonight?" 'I agree I have no >experience in matters of love or such. Maybe you could tell me?' MOUSE (Ash): I'll teach you *all* about the ways of love, Dragonight! NYANKO: ... > >Misty's ears cocked. MOUSE: [opens her mouth to speak] ... NYANKO: No! Bad Mouse! Bad! > >Ash, laughing: "I'm hardly experienced in those matters, Dragonight." > >Dragonight: "Drago, dragonight..." 'But surely, there is someone you hold >dear..." NYANKO (Ash): [thinking] Hmmm... well, no. I pretty much hate the world and everyone in it. > >Ash: "Well, there's my mom. My dad died and I have no other relatives. May >Oak is one of my old friends. Brock's my best human male friend. Pikachu is >my best friend. SIREN (Ash): Gary is my rival. Professor Oak is my mentor. Mr. Satan is my idol. Elvis is my god. CROW (Ash): Fearow is my amusing stereotypical English friend. Pidgeotto is my therapist. Butterfree is the wacky neighbor who randomly appears in hilarious circumstances. And Bill is just this guy, you know? >I guess I love my mom and Pikachu. But only as a son and a best friend. MOUSE: He loves Pikachu as a son and a best friend? SIREN: So he's Pikachu's father! That explains so much! >If you mean real male-female interaction, nonrelated..." NYANKO (Ash): ...I don't do that. Girls have cooties. > >Dragonight: "Dra, dragonite drag..." 'Yes, someone you love as a friend, >only different than friends, more...' SIREN (Ash): You're right, Dragonight! I should stop denying my love and admit my feelings for Gary! MOUSE: The scary thing is how much of that pairing there is out there. >Ash, softly: "Intimate? Not yet." CROW (Ash): We do share an intimate bond, though... based on electricity. >Dragonight: "Dragonight, dragonight." 'I know not much of humans, but I >think you may not be telling the whole truth.' MOUSE: These guys have to face reality and admit that Pokémon and humans think exactly the same way. SIREN: Bill even researched them for years... he must have been heavily in denial. > >Ash, starting to flush: "Well, I'm a Pokémon Trainer. Much as I might like >to, I can't go into those kind of relationships now." SIREN (Ash): The only relationships I should have are with my Pokémon! CROW: That can really be interpreted the wrong way, Siren. SIREN: Umm, the *wrong* way? > >Dragonight: "Dragonight? Drag dragonight?" 'Much as you might like to? What >about the handsome female specimen of your species that battle against me?' CROW (Ash): The *handsome*, *female* specimen...? Dude, are you talking about Brock? Because he's a guy. > >Misty blushed, but listened all the harder. Though she might have blushed >either way, she was blushing more because Dragonight was asking Misty's >silent question to Ash, not because Dragonight had said she was pretty. MOUSE: No, she said you were handsome... not something to get *too* thrilled over, girlfriend. > >Ash blushed too, and looked away from Dragonight, out over the sea. > >Ash: "You mean Misty, right? Um, red-haired girl, about as tall as me?" NYANKO: Were there any other female specimens in the area when Dragonight was around? SIREN: Well, yes, actually. CROW (Ash): I'm sorry, Misty, but you just don't do enough cheesy speeches to warrant my love. My heart belongs to Jesse! SIREN: Now there's a picturesque relationship! >Misty's heart jumped into her throat. NYANKO: ...causing a truly unfortunate, grisly death. CROW: Choking on your own heart? I'll say. >Dragonight: "Dragonight." 'You're just trying to stall the answer.' SIREN (Ash): Um... can I use a lifeline? > >Ash: "Maybe. I don't want to talk about it." > >Misty felt Pikachu beside her. > >Pikachu, psychically to Misty: {Misty! You aren't spying on Ash?!} NYANKO (Pikachu): You aren't spying on Ash?! I thought I taught you better than that! For shame! You should spy on Ash every chance you get! > >Misty, psychically to Pikachu: {Um, well, I wanted to know where he was >going, and now I don't want to interrupt, and...} MOUSE (Misty): And me silently sneaking away would totally interrupt their conver... er... wait a minute... > >Pikachu, psychically to Misty, sternly: {Go to bed right this instant, >young lady! CROW (Misty): You're not my mother! SIREN (Pikachu): Umm, actually... I didn't want to tell you this, but... I *am*. >(Lying) I'll tell you what Ash says, later.} > >Misty, psychically to Pikachu: Okay, mommy. SIREN: I'm glad she could adjust so quickly. It must have been hard to accept at first. > >Misty watched Ash playfully petting Dragonight, and almost sighed out loud. >Then she fled, and Pikachu bounded up to Ash. >Pikachu: "Pika pika?" 'What's up?' NYANKO (Ash): The gigantic looming form of a 700-foot Dragonite. What's up with you? > >Ash: "Hi, Pikachu. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to give Dragonight some >company." SIREN (Pikachu): Isn't she a little old for you? > >Pikachu, teasing: "I saw that Misty was in your bed." MOUSE (Pikachu): And that you weren't. Love 'em and leave 'em, huh? > >Ash, blushing: "OH, SHUT UP!" > >Pikachu, shrugging: "Pi." 'Okay.' SIREN: I thought 'Pi' was the value of the ratio between the diameter and radius of a circle. NYANKO: Mmmm... Pie-kachu... >Dragonight: "Dragonight drag?" 'And you say you're NOT in love with the >'girl'?' CROW (Dragonight): You "say" you're "not" in "love" with the "girl?" NYANKO: This so-called "girl?" SIREN: That sounds like it should be the title to something. "This So- Called Girl." MOUSE: So... does Dragonight know something Ash doesn't about Misty's gender, then? > >Ash: "Okay. You win. I guess I do like her a little-" > >Pikachu: "Pika! Pikachu pika pikachu!" 'Don't believe a word! MOUSE (Pikachu): It's slander, I say! I'll have you sued! >He's head over heels in love with that young woman!" SIREN: Way to try and hide your and Ash's affair, Pikachu. NYANKO: [thinking] Change of plans. Don't kill Ash - kill myself. > >Dragonight: "Dragonight drag nite, night drag o night." 'So you DO know >what its like to not have a love of your life, and finding out you needed >one.' > >Ash, blushing and trying to avoid the subject: "How did you know you were >missing something?" MOUSE (Dragonight): I was signing up for Flying Insurance, and the form asked whether I was married. > >Dragonight: "Drag, drag o nite dragonight. Dragonight drago." 'I once saw, >about a thousand years ago, a couple of Dragonites, in love. Then I saw the >affection some of you humans can have.' CROW (Dragonight): And I thought, "Man, I'm glad I'm a Pokémon." > >Ash: "Yeah..." > >Dragonight: "Drago drag?" 'So why don't you tell her?' SIREN (Ash): Because then she would hate me and the world would end and explode. > >Ash: "It's complicated. She is my second-best friend, my best human friend. >She was there the first day of my Journey. She will be with me until she >saves my life and my Pokémon as many times as I've saved hers, or when I >get to Indigo Plateau. I hate to brag, ALL: Then *don't*. >but that's a lot of rescues." NYANKO: And there's also the contrived psychic bond thing. SIREN: Hey, they don't have a psychic connection with each other, they both have one with Pikachu. I sense a love triangle! > >Dragonight: "Dragonight?" 'What's your young love like?' MOUSE (Ash): If I ever find out, I'll tell you. > >Ash, licking his lips agitatedly: "Weird. It makes me think she is the most >beautiful and caring girl in the world; it makes me want to protect her >from harm; everything she does seems to be in the most stylish way anyone >can do it. I can see her great heart when she cares for her Pokémon. She >has a high station, as a certified Gym Leader. CROW (Ash): That's why she routinely loses against trainers who use Pokémon hers are strong against, while I routinely beat the same trainers with Pokémon that *their* Pokémon are strong against! >I always want to do my best when she is watching, to impress her, I guess. >It also makes me feel like I should do whatever I can to make her >comfortable." NYANKO (Dragonight): So it turns you into a mindless slave, hmm? This "love" could be a useful weapon if harnessed... > >Dragonight: "Dragonight drag?" 'So your initial attraction developed into a >greater caring?' CROW: I'm having Evangelion vibes here. SIREN (Dragonight): So your initial attraction developed into a deeper caring? NYANKO (Ash): Yes. SIREN (Dragonight): Is that really true? NYANKO (Ash): Yes. I want her to feel that I have worth. SIREN (Dragonight): So you train Pokémon to be with others? NYANKO (Ash): Yes. I want to form bonds with my friends and comrades. SIREN (Dragonight): And you make excuses for yourself. NYANKO (Ash): Do I? SIREN (Dragonight): To think that you are doing your best for the sake of others, is itself an easy way to live. NYANKO (Ash): Is that so? SIREN (Dragonight): In other words, you're lonely, Ash. NYANKO (Ash): Is that so? SIREN (Dragonight): You have nothing but dependent or symbiotic relationships. NYANKO (Ash): That might be. SIREN (Dragonight): All you want is for people to depend on you. NYANKO (Ash): That might be. MOUSE: I feel like this conversation has given Ash more depth than this entire story so far. > >Ash: "I guess you could say that. (Changing the subject) If you do shrink >to regular size, wouldn't you miss your powers? You are one of the most >powerful being in the world." > >Dragonight: "Dragonight drag o." SIREN: o/ Drag-o, dra-dra-drag-o. o/ o/ Daylight come, and me wan' go home. o/ >'Power comes at the price of happiness.' NYANKO: And salvation comes at the cost of wisdom. MOUSE: With great power, comes great... CROW: ...responsibility? MOUSE: No, great food. It's the best! >Ash: "So, you would search out other Dragonites and try to settle down into >a family?" > >Dragonight, with a dreamy expression: "Dragonight..." 'That is my dream...' CROW (Dragonight): To live happily with Dragonite, and Dragonite, and Dragonair, and Dratini, and Dratini, and all their friends... that's my dream! >Ash: "How long would you wait?" > >Dragonight: "Dragon dragonight. Dragonight. Drag." 'I wouldn't wait too >long. But I kinda want to see the human world. So I'd say, about a >century.' NYANKO(Dragonight): After all, human civilization is due to collapse in about 120 yea... I mean, um... uh... forget I said anything, okay? Right. Good. > >Ash: "An entire century?! Did you know that that's about as long as humans >live?!" MOUSE: If they're really lucky. NYANKO: Yeah, but this is the Pokémon world. You could probably shoot yourself in the head and all that'd happen is you'd faint. > >Dragonight: "Drag. Drago, night, dragonight drag!" 'Yeah. But by then, >other Dragonights might have been captured, MOUSE: Because clones of Pokégods often appear out of nowhere to be caught by trainers... CROW: Well, of course they do. There's one per game. >so I wouldn't have to look around for them!' MOUSE: She can just use them as breeding stock, huh? SIREN: Noooo, Dragonight! Don't get lured into the decadent, slave- driving human culture! > >Ash: "So, with whomever you're Trainer is then, you'll go looking for other >Trainers with Dragonites, and try to develop a relationship?" > >Dragonight, eyes gleaming in anticipation: "Drag." 'Yeah.' CROW (Ash): Couldn't you just go to a Dragonite dance club or something? Maybe get a job at the postal service? > >Ash: "Now, Bill, your Trainer, isn't a Pokémon Trainer, but a Pokémon >Researcher. After he studies you, and make you seem like a normal >Dragonite, he will want to set you free. I hate to impose, but I was >wondering if, in about a year or so, you would, er...help me? You want to >see the world, you could follow behind me, out of your ball. I don't know >what I'll be doing then. But if there is the slimmest chance..." NYANKO (Ash): Ah, screw this. I have the Hyper Ball. Dragonight, return! > >Dragonight, a huge (only because Dragonight is huge) dragon smile on her >face: "Dragonight dragon, dragonight." 'You would be pleased if I would >come on your Journey, because I'd be a rare and powerful Pokémon that you >could use in battle and against Team Rocket.' MOUSE (Ash): No! No, no. No. No. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, a bit. > >Ash, blushing: "Well, yeah. I hate to seem so selfish." SIREN (Ash): Even though I am. > >Dragonight, playfully: "Dragonight, drag o night dragonight drag!" 'You >humans are all the same, you just want another ally on your side, against >your rival!' > >Ash: "How did you know??" CROW (Dragonight): Dude, everyone who's *anyone* has a rival nowadays. It's in. > >Dragonight, smiling: "Dragonight drag dragonight." 'Contrary to popular >belief, I didn't lose all of my powers, and over the years, my experience >level has given me strange telepathic abilities.' MOUSE: Aw, the lucky stiff. My experience level and I had a falling out some time ago, and now it won't even give me the time of day. > >Ash, accusingly: "So you knew everything, all the time! You found out what >love was like from my thoughts, and everything about me! That's why you >knew I'm not helpless! You can read my mind! (Mind instantly changing the >subject on whim) Hey, can you talk to me telepathically?" CROW (Ash): You read my innermost being! You violated the sanctity of my mind! You did me like the fifteenth Angel! You... ooh, something shiny! SIREN: Stay good, Dragonight! Stay good! > >Dragonight: "Drago." 'When I want to.' > >Ash, grinning: "Cool! Like Pikachu!" > >Dragonight: "Drago, drago. Dragonight drago." 'Go to sleep, young one. I >want to talk to Pikachu in private.' MOUSE (Dragonight): Though I could, you know, just talk to him telepathically. SIREN: I guess three's a crowd for *some* activities... > >Ash: "Okay. Goodnight, Dragonight." MOUSE (Ash): Goodnight, Drago*night*! Get it? Ha ha ha... eh. > >He left. Dragonight turned to Pikachu. NYANKO (Dragonight): So, what do *you* know about love? I'm doing a survey. > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {You have not told them. Wise, for >someone of your meager age.} SIREN (Dragonight): You young Pokémon must take caution when manipulating mortal human fools for your own ends... the Masquerade that they are in control must be maintained at all costs. > >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {Remember, I'm old for a Pikachu, young >for a Raichu. CROW: But Pikachu-family evolution has nothing to do with age... >Pokémon life cycles are the same as the human's. SIREN: Um, humans instantly morph into more powerful forms when they gain enough experience? MOUSE: Oh, so the entire *world* has Saiya-jin blood. That makes sense. >You just seem to have kept your immortality, my lady.} > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {Even if I was regular size, my race >dominates all others, even if they do not know it. NYANKO (Dragonight): Oh wait... you aren't a Dragonite, are you? CROW (Pikachu): [shakes head] NYANKO (Dragonight): Hmm. I think I'm going to have to kill you now. >But enough for now. I am not your lady, MOUSE (Dragonight): So get away from me, you creep! >but a friend. I do not understand this love, my soon-to-be Trainer has for >the Gym Leader girl.} SIREN (Dragonight): I mean, Ash is so awesomely skilled and Misty is so... pathetic. > >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {Misty is his best human friend. He >doesn't want to see her hurt or in any way discomforted because he cares so >much about her. Since he does not know if she likes or even loves him, he >doesn't want to risk losing their relationship as friends right now. If he >does not now, he may never. It's the same with Misty.} > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {So, they both are afraid. CROW (Dragonight): [Yoda-ish] I sense much fear in you... NYANKO (Dragonight): [Yoda-ish] Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate... leads to unhappy marriages. >I heard Misty's thoughts echo from the inside of this tower. She watched. >You are right in letting them solve it themselves, but as their love grows >deeper, they may someday part, breaking both their hearts. SIREN: o/ Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart... o/ >I can sense that you would step in then, whether you would want to or >not..} NYANKO (Pikachu): [jeering] Yeah, well, I sense that you stink! Oooh! Oooh! Burn! What now, huh? > >Pikachu, sighing psychically to Dragonight: {Yes. They are my best friends. >I can check how much they are in love with each other with our psychic >link. MOUSE (Pikachu): I hear that if their affection ratings get high enough, I unlock secret bonus features. SIREN: Gotta match 'em all! >I could not rend that link, or I might even go insane. I would have to >reveal their emotions through me, though I do despise the prospect. They >should discover their feelings the right way.} CROW (Pikachu): The right way. The hard way. The PAINFUL way. > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {I trust you will do what is right. >But, let us turn to other matters. I can read your mind, Pikachu. You know >as well as I do that a change is taking place, slowly.} MOUSE: Arthritis is setting in. CROW: Ash has been feeding him Thunder Stone flakes in his food, and he's evolving. NYANKO: He's going insane. SIREN: He's finally going through puberty. > >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {Yes, I feel it. I believe all Pikachu >go through this stage, when they should evolve. NYANKO (Pikachu): I also believe that Clefairy came to this world in spaceships made of Moon Stone! >But I do not want to evolve! I might forget Ash, my psychic link >may be destroyed! I might forget their love and never take a step in! >Help me.} SIREN: Hey, Pokégod helps those who help themselves. > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {Pikachu, your kind do not go through >this stage when they get ready to evolve into Raichu. It is a >stone-transformation, on the spot. You do not prepare for it. No, I know >what you will be, and deep down, you know too.} CROW: He's going to be Ahab, master of hounds. SIREN: Ooh, Crow, that's an obscure reference. CROW: Yeah, well, it beats another sexual joke. > >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {But its impossible! Only 2 out of all >the millions of Pikachu get that opportunity!} MOUSE (Dragonight): Yes, Pikachu... you could already have won a million dollars! > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {But the best Trainer's Pikachu does. >Ash must be one of the best, to raise a Pikachu to become a Redou.} CROW: I didn't think this had anything to do with Ash... it's Pikachu that has the destiny, here. NYANKO: Of *course* it's because of Ash. In this world, the reason the *sun* keeps rising everyday is because Ash is awesome. > >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {I don't remember that legend well, but >you should, right? Could you tell me?} SIREN (Pikachu): Please? For the sake of the readers? > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {Its no legend. I have seen Redou. They >are the evolved form of extraordinarily high-powered Pikachu that have been >magnetized more than a half dozen times in their life. You have been at >least twice now. You probably will again, then maybe a few more times. CROW (Dragonight): Then maybe a couple times after that. >That, coupled with Ash's strategy, cunning, wisdom, and heart can make you >the messenger of the Poké Gods, MOUSE (Pikachu): So, when I'm magnetized, I need to devour Ash's mind and soul, leaving him an empty husk but elevating me to the status of a God? I can do that. Should I get his friends, too, just to be on the safe side? >colleague of Zapdos. NYANKO (Dragonight): ...and of Raikou, but we don't hang out with him because of what he said about Articuno. >Though Redou is not a Poké God itself, when Pikachu become their ultimate >form, they get the following powers...Telepathy: Redou can talk psychically >to humans and Pokémon, the strength of which depends on the level of Redou; CROW: Level 100 Redou can drive humans insane by constantly blasting muzak into their minds at full volume. >Immortality: unless killedy, Redou's body will live forever; SIREN: The secret to long life: make sure you don't die. >Speed: Redou can fly on a summoned thundercloud as fast as Pidgeot can >wing; CROW (Pikachu): What is the air speed of an unladen Pidgeot? NYANKO (Dragonight): Johtoian or Kantoian Pidgeot? CROW (Pikachu): What? I don't know that! AAAAAAAaaaaaaa... NYANKO (Dragonight): [watching Pikachu being flung off the cliff] Guess I was wrong about him being destined to be a Redou. Oh well. >Wisdom: Redou will know all of the history of all natural types of Pokémon, >and all about each individual type of Pokémon, MOUSE: Is she saying that individuals aren't natural? SIREN: Dragonight is part of the PokéBorg collective. >once it fully matures. Also, Redou can scan Pokémon to check which attacks, >what level, and so on about the Pokémon scanned. Redou gains status as not >only messenger of the Gods to the Pokémon and human race, CROW: Wait... the messenger of the Gods to the Pokémon and human race? You mean that Redou is actually... ALL: The soul and messenger of the Poké Gods! CROW (Pikachu): "Remember the Poké Gods; they are great and mindless and terrible, and lurk in the outer voids. They are good gods to avoid... Farewell, Ash Ketchum, and beware; FOR I AM REDOU, THE SCURRYING CONFUSION!" MOUSE: "Scurrying Confusion?" CROW: Well, does Pikachu really deserve the title of the "Crawling Chaos?" >but also as Chief of Security, meaning the Gods can call on Redou to stop a >fight or war, instead of doing it themselves. Unless needed, Redou can go >anywhere it pleases, with any Trainer, although another power is the >capability to teleport out of normal Pokéballs. You will be more powerful >than I am now, though not as powerful as any of the Poké Gods. NYANKO: So a super Pikachu is more powerful than a gigantic Dragonite who's immune to all types of attacks and could squish the rat under her foot without batting an eye? MOUSE: Yeah, but the Redou has telepathy! NYANKO: So does Dragonight. CROW: Well, Redou is immortal. NYANKO: So is Dragonight. SIREN: Redou can fly! NAYNKO: So can Dragonites. MOUSE: Redou knows the entire history of the Pokémon race. NYANKO: Who do you think is telling Pikachu these myths here? So does Dragonight. CROW: Now that you mention it... how *is* Redou more powerful than Dragonight is now? >Oh, and sometimes hundreds of Magnemites follow Redou everywhere.} MOUSE (Dragonight): But they're only groupies. Don't give them autographs, it will just encourage them. >Pikachu, psychically to Dragonight: {Good. I can stick with Ash. I hope it >doesn't start until a while from now. SIREN (Dragonight): [checking watch] Actually, sorry, but it's starting just about... now. >I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep on the bed.} > >Dragonight, psychically to Pikachu: {Good idea, little one.} NYANKO (Pikachu): Thanks. I thought it was pretty clever, myself. > >Pikachu scampered off, leaving Dragonight to lay down in the water and >watch the stars. She could sense great events would happen to Ash, greater >than any other Trainer ever had or ever would have. If he survived. [SIREN hums ominous music.] > >Dragonight, thinking as she stares up at the stars: {Well, that's going to >be my job.} NYANKO (Dragonight): ...to kill him. > ><><><> > >Bill, sheepishly: "Well, Ash, I'm sorry I didn't give you a lecture on >Pokémon, but I daresay you don't really need one, right? Heh. CROW (Ash): That's right, Bill, because you suck. Want me to reinforce that for you again? SIREN (Bill): Well, sure. I guess I wouldn't want to get arrogant. MOUSE (Ash): Bill, you suck so much, you had to *borrow* Pokémon to capture something that was just *standing* there. NYANKO (Ash): Bill, you suck so much, you spent years researching Pokémon psychology without realizing that they're all intelligent and understood everything you said. CROW (Ash): Bill, you suck so much, you got stuck in your own unnecessary costume for a day and weren't smart enough to call for help on your videophone. SIREN (Bill): Thanks. Good luck on your trip... I think I'm going to go cry miserably in abject self-pity now. >I guess this is goodbye, for now. I hope you have a good Journey." > >Ash, shaking Bill's hand: "I will. I won't be back until I have at least >eight Indigo League Badges!" MOUSE: Uh, Crow? How many Gyms are there in the Indigo League? CROW: Eight. MOUSE: Right... > >Misty: "And we'll be with him..." > >Brock: "Every step of the way. SIREN: Stalkers! CROW: I think they're just waiting for an opportune time to backstab Ash and send his Pokémon to Giovanni. >Goodbye, Pokémon Researcher!" NYANKO (Bill): I have a freakin' name. Stupid ungrateful trainers... > >They rode off, waving at Bill, Dragonight, and the Lighthouse. > >Ash, thinking as loud as he could: GOODBYE, DRAGONIGHT! I HOPE YOU LIVE A >PEACEFUL YEAR UNTIL YOU'RE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE! NYANKO (Ash): AND ONCE YOU *ARE* WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, I HOPE YOUR YEAR IS HORRIBLE! >Someone thinking psychically to him: I will, Ash! See you in about a year! > >Ash, shouting: "BYE, DRAGONIGHT!" CROW: Yes, kids, buy Dragonight, the new super-rare foil card found only in one in a thousand of the new Pokemon WLAMO booster packs! > >Misty and Brock looked at him strangely. Pikachu was just relieved Misty >hadn't asked about the conversation last night. > >Ash: "C'mon! I want to speed through this year over with as quickly as >possible! MOUSE: Yeah, yeah. Let's just speed through this *fanfic* over with as quickly as possible. >We're almost to Vermillion City! Full speed ahead!" CROW (Ash): Engage all thrusters! Reroute power from lasers to engines! MOUSE (Brock): Dude, we're riding bikes. >Narrator: "Well, with the promise of an ultra-rare Pokémon at the end of >his Indigo journey, Ash and friends set out for Vermillion City. What >strange or magnificent battles, events, and/or Pokémon will our heroes (and >heroines) find there?" SIREN: Heroines? I *knew* Pikachu was a girl! > >James, popping in, outraged: "What the heck?! Why the h*** did you make me >such a WIMP in this fanfic?!" > >Flareon, smirking: "'Cuz you are one?" ALL: Oooooh. Buuuurn. > >James, thinking hard: "Yeah, well...you are too!!" > >Flareon, caught off-guard: "Huh??" CROW (Flareon): Yeah, well... I'm not as wimpy as Vaporeon! NYANKO (James): But Jolteon, Espeon, and Umbreon are all *much* better Pokemon than you, man. > >James, laughing: "You haven't posted a fic in so long because you're >CHICKEN!" CROW (James): Ya big turkey! > >Flareon, yelling: "Shut up! I don't have to take this! End this stupid fic >already!" NYANKO: Uh, who is he talking to? GALAXIA'S VOICE: I'll push the button now to end the 'fic. > ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> ><> MOUSE: I thought you were going to push the button, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA'S VOICE: I lied. Bwahahahaha! > >Yeah, yeah. I haven't posted a fic in a long time. Wanna know the reason? >Its because I don't have enough time to write down these long chapters and >edit, reedit, and edit again. CROW: So go without editing. It's what the rest of fanfiction.net does. >Not only that, but I'm trying to help me brother, Umbreon, make a start to >his continuation of his own fanfiction 'Mythical Tale of Love and Loss'. MOUSE (Flareon): ...to be entitled "Mythical Tale of Love and Loss," Story 1, Book 2, Chapter 1. >And, its almost Christmas. My absolute FAVORITE time of the YEAR!! Don't >you agree that Christmas is, like, totally, like, the, like, best?! SIREN: Like, totally! >That was Violet talking, not me. 0_0;; NYANKO: Ooooh, Flareon has multiple personalities! I like him a lot better, now. > >Anyways, this was kind of a weird fic that my brother practically wrote by >himself, at least the part about Dragonight. MOUSE: Darn, we have someone else to blame now! NYANKO: I know. I hate dividing my hatred. >I'm sorry to say that he copied the name 'Dragonight' from Ace Sanchez's >biggest and most popular fanfic series, 'Pokémon Master'. CROW (Flareon): I tried to get him to use the name "Drago-knight," but he just wouldn't listen to me. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Actually, I have it on good authority that Flareon was making up this whole thing about his brother co-writing. NYANKO: Oh good, I can blame Flareon again. > >Next fic is Lt. Surge! SIREN: And after that, Hv. Surge! MOUSE: No, no. It should be Dk. Surge! > >{::} SIREN: {:< CROW: What the heck does that emoticon mean, Siren? SIREN: >:} ----- [The ANIMAMATES exit the viewing room. GALAXIA is waiting for them on the screen.] GALAXIA: Well? What do you think? CROW: Somehow, that one hurt me more than the last one. MOUSE: I think it was how they were setting up for Ash to get two Pokégods. NYANKO: Well, no, it's just the way Ash is so perfect. Except it's like he's not *actually* perfect, but instead, the entire world is built around making him perfect. I mean, *objectively*, he's sort of lame. CROW: Yeah, I know what you mean... MOUSE: Not as lame as Bill, though. NYANKO: I don't think anyone could be as lame as Bill. SIREN: I think it's just silly that they're setting up for Ash to get Dragonight. Using her in a Pokémon battle would be like bringing an A-bomb to a knife fight, or something else that's amusingly mismatched. And her "what is love" thing is silly, too. CROW: So, in conclusion, this fanfic stinks. We hate it and never want to read any more of it. GALAXIA: Interesting conclusion, there, Lead Crow. Excactly what I wanted to know, in fact. Very interesting. [There's a moment's pause as this sinks in.] CROW: Oh, no, Galaxia. You wouldn't send us *another* chapte... GALAXIA: [cutting in] Oh, *wouldn't* I? [Four black telephone booths suddenly appear around the ANIMAMATES.] GALAXIA: I will call you back when the next section of this fanfiction is prepared... enjoy the ominous suspense! [The phone booth doors clamp shut and the booths vanish.] GALAXIA'S VOICE: Bwahahahahahaha! [The scene fades out.] ----- >She could sense great events would happen to Ash, greater than any >other Trainer ever had or ever would have. If he survived. ----- Release 1.1: website link added for release on Everything What is Crap September 21, 2005