MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 3: What Legends Are Made of, Chapter 14 Original fanfic by Flareon With permission of the author. Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And spoilers for the Pokémon anime, if anyone cares. ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And amuses herself punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (Hey, handsome) Nyanko (Death by DEATH LASERS) Siren (Manners matter) Croooow (Get Across the Moon) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (la la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single direction, at an indeterminable speed and in a rectangle-shaped clump. They are open, doors facing up, and an ANIMAMATE is sitting inside each one. NYANKO and CROW are in adjacent booths, staring each other down, and are each holding a number of small, thin, rectangular objects. They are still transformed.] NYANKO: Alright, I have no choice but to sit this out because of your stupid Clutch... but no matter, I'll take your last prize before you can win. I'm using Psychic on you, that's fifty points of damage. Your turn. CROW: Heh heh... I'm using Switch on Lt. Surge's Fearow and bringing in my Expedition Pidgeot. I'm using Sharp Beak. 20 damage, and I flip a coin for the chance to deal another 30. NYANKO: Big deal. I'll still win if you get a tails. [CROW flips the coin. It comes up heads.] NYANKO: Dammit! CROW: Heh heh. Your Expedition Mewtwo is eliminated. That's *your* last prize as well, I believe. SIREN: Congratulations, Crow-san. MOUSE: I'm sort of surprised you dealt as much damage as you did, Nyanko. CROW: Yeah. For the record, just because Mew and Mewtwo are supposed to be incredibly powerful, it doesn't mean that building a deck where your only Pokémon are four of each is a a good idea. NYANKO: Shut up. MOUSE: Alright, that's the first round of the ladder tournament. Next is me vs. Siren. CROW: Sure, go ahead. I'll officiate. SIREN: Good luck, Mouse-san! MOUSE: Sure, Siren. Same to you. [They draw their hands, and shuffle through them, each placing some cards face-down. SIREN's cards are in nice, blue-backed sleeves... MOUSE's are entirely unprotected from the rigors of play.] MOUSE: [flipping her starter] Alright, I'm opening with a Level 8 Ratatta. Level 14 Pikachu is on the bench. SIREN: Ummm... alright. [flipping her cards] I'm opening with Level 1 Sailor Jupiter. Level 1 Sailor Mars and the youma, "Polite Society," are on the bench. ALL: ... SIREN: Shall we flip to see who goes first? CROW: Siren, those are Sailor Moon CCG cards. SIREN: [obliviously happy] I know. CROW: ...this is a Pokémon tournament. SIREN: I'm using Sailor Moon cards. I can't condone the enslavement and arena battling of innocent Pokémon, even in the context of a game! MOUSE: [irritated] Well, I guess you're forfeiting the match, then. SIREN: Aww, come on. They're almost the same game, anyway... CROW: Well, that is true... MOUSE: You're not going to *allow* this, are you? CROW: I don't see that it's a big deal. We'll hold her to the same rules as you, and interpret any discrepancies. MOUSE: What? Nyanko, back me up here! NYANKO: Hey, I say go ahead. It'll make me happy to see those Inner Senshi people torn apart by your rampaging horde of murderous rodents. SIREN: Yay! MOUSE: I don't believe this... [They flip a coin. SIREN goes first. Throughout this, they draw and place cards.] SIREN: Umm... okay, I'm putting one Soul energy on Sailor Mars. Your turn. MOUSE: Sheesh... I'm putting an Electric energy on Rattatta and attacking with Bite. 20 points. SIREN: That's okay, Jupiter is just there to absorb damage, anyway. Umm... I'm going put another Soul energy on Sailor Mars and evolve her to Sailor Mars, Level 2. Oh, I'm also evolving Polite Society into Jedite, though I doubt I'll use him. NYANKO: Woah, I don't *even* want to know how that works. MOUSE: I'm evolving Rattatta into Raticate, putting an Electric energy on Pikachu, evolving Pikachu into Raichu, and playing another Rattatta on the bench. I also play Bill, so I draw two cards. I Bite again, twenty points. SIREN: [vaugely] Oh... okay. I'm going to evolve Sailor Mars into Sailor Mars, Level 3. And another Soul Energy. That's all. MOUSE: ...just how many evolutions does Sailor Mars have? SIREN: Do you really want to know, Mouse-san? CROW: [peering at the art] She hasn't even gone Super yet. MOUSE: Whatever. I'm going to use a PlusPower on Raticate, Biting and killing Jupiter. I get to draw a prize. Oh, and another electric energy on Raichu. SIREN: Umm... alright. I'm sending out Sailor Mars. Then I'm playing Professor Oak and drawing a new hand of seven cards. MOUSE: Hey! I thought you were using Sailor Moon cards! SIREN: Professor Oak isn't a Pokémon; I have no problems exploiting him. MOUSE: Why you... SIREN: [continuing] Yay! I'm evolving Sailor Mars to Sailor Mars, Level 4, and using Mars Celestial Fire Surround. That's 90 points of damage... your Raticate dies. ALL: ... SIREN: Oh, and I'm evolving Jedite into Queen Beryl. ALL: ... [Suddenly, the four phone booths materialize on the bridge of Galaxia's satellite. The ANIMAMATES are slightly startled, but get their bearings and emerge from their booths. The viewing screen turns on.] GALAXIA: Hello, my fantastic four. How are you today? MOUSE: Galaxia-sama! Siren doesn't play fair! GALAXIA: Is that so? Good for you, Aluminum Siren. SIREN: Thank you, Galaxia-sama! [MOUSE glowers.] GALAXIA: In any case. Due to your glowing reviews of WLAMO last time, I've decided to proceed directly on to the next chapter. Continuing to copy from the TV series episodes, we have the epic battle of Ash vs. Lt. Surge. I'm sure you're all thrilled. CROW: Great, back to battling. Well, at least there won't be any more long conversations about love. GALAXIA: ...well, that sort of depends on how you interpret them. CROW: What? GALAXIA: Nothing. Now get going, you trash! [The ANIMAMATES proceed through the double doors.] ------ [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] MOUSE: Well, here we go again. NYANKO: Isn't the idea to torture us with *different* bad fanfiction? GALAXIA'S VOICE: Oh, but you're having so much fun with WLAMO, I just can't resist. Heh heh. >ALTERNATE REALITY STORY 1 - WHAT LEGENDS ARE MADE OF > >SAGA 1: THE LEGEND BEGINS CROW: This is Chapter 14. I believe the Legend is well under way, thanks. > >(c) Copyright 2000 by Flareon > >DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon. I wish I did, but I do not. I just write >these fanfiction. SIREN: [suspiciously] Is that *all* you do? What are you trying to pull, Flareon, huh? What is it that you're trying to hide? > >{These things} - Means thought or psychic communication. > >'Apostrophes' - Means Pokémon language deciphered into human language. CROW: Well, it's a good thing he has a copy of the secret Pokémon decoder ring. NYANKO: Feh. Everyone in the world has one of those... except Bill. > >[Brackets] - Means author notes. > >>These>>Strange>>Things> - Means change of scene. NYANKO: And plain text just indicates your normal stupid fanfic. > >Narrator: "Last time, our heroes and heroine met up with Bill and the >Lighthouse, MOUSE (Narrator): ...a hot new band taking the Kanto region by storm! >after the excursion with Dragonite, the ex-Poké God. Now, our heroes have >finally reached Vermillion City!" SIREN (Narrator): ...but our poor heroine was lost along the way. CROW: Well, it's a dangerous game, training Pokémon. One accident with a Flamethrower, and you're a goner. NYANKO: Heh heh. One down, two to go... > >Brock: "Episode 14: Baby's got the gift!" ALL: Brock? CROW: So Brock is the Narrator, huh? SIREN: That explains so much! Well, not really, but... > >Three figures slowly wheeled dust-covered bikes into town, looking beat. MOUSE: In her absence, Pikachu was using Misty's bike. > >Ash, breathing hard: "We finally made it!" > >Brock, fully energized: "Let's get to the Pokémon Center!" SIREN (Brock): I love those play structures they have there, with all the plastic balls and tunnels! > >He sped off on his bike with hearts in his eyes. > >Misty, laughing weakly: "Nurse Joy, of course." NYANKO: Gahh, the spirit of Misty returns! SIREN: I guess she got lost, but just found them again. MOUSE (Misty): Where am I *now*? > >Ash, sighing: "Of course." CROW: But actually, it turns out that this is the one Pokémon Center where the Nurse isn't named Joy... so Brock ended up flinging himself into the arms of Nurse George. > >They walked to the entrance of the Pokémon Center and entered it. CROW: That is, indeed, what entrances are for. > >Brock was there at the front desk, hands clasped in front of him. SIREN (Brock): Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name... > >Nurse Joy, looking and sounding irritated: "...For the last time, I have >work to do!" > >Brock, begging: "Please?? I'll pay for the movie tickets??" NYANKO (Brock): Normally, I leech off my date, but this time I'll make an exception! > >Misty sighed, annoyed, and slammed a mallet that appeared from nowhere into >Brock, who flew across the room. He got up and spun around, dizzy. > >Ash, freaked out at Misty's gigantic hammer: "What the heck is that?!?!" CROW: ...a gigantic hammer. SIREN: Isn't it obvious? > >Misty, smiling cutely as she tapped the hammer in one hand: "Its just the >oagam [oh-gum], O-A-G-A-M., or Official Anime Girls Attack Mallet." MOUSE: ...that's *so* a euphemism. CROW: Yeah, just add an "S" in there, replace the first "A" with an "R"... MOUSE: I know *I* would get oagams from being around Brock! He's hunky! NYANKO: ... > >She calmly put it away, as Ash stared at her. MOUSE (Ash): So that's what the afterglow looks like... > >Misty, sighing: "Don't worry, its almost perfectly harmless. It only hurts >for a second, then the pain disappears. CROW (Misty): ...and the pleasure begins. MOUSE: Boy, you sure can tell that she's experienced with oagams! >And I only use it on annoying people. (Looming over him menacingly) So >DON'T YOU start to get annoying, too!" > >Ash looked at Brock, who seemed fine now. CROW: In fact, he had a goofy grin on his face... MOUSE: He *was* just suddenly hit by an oagam. CROW: Probably made quite a mess, though. [NYANKO begins banging her head against the chair next to her in frustration.] >He was weirded [not a word] out. SIREN: Weirded: it's not just a word... it's a way of life! >Where these 'oagam' things legal?? MOUSE: Heh heh. Depends on how you get them... NYANKO: ...AAAAARRRRGH! MOUSE: Man, Nyanko, what's your problem? NYANKO: I just *hate* these stupid sexual innuendos you call keep throwing around! Especially the Pokémon/human ones, but you and Crow are bad enough, Mouse! CROW: What's wrong with our innuendos? NYANKO: I just hate them, that's all! MOUSE: You sound sexually repressed to me, girl. Are you straight? [There's a brief pause.] NYANKO: ...what? MOUSE: Are you straight, gay, what? I'm curious. NYANKO: ... MOUSE: No worries if you're a lesbian or something. Crow and Siren are. CROW: Hey! I never said... [SIREN remains smiling.] MOUSE: Me, though, I have a fine and refined appreciation of the male body. So what way to you swing? NYANKO: ...Let's just say I'm not homosexual... I'm homicidal. Capiche? MOUSE: ...man, ask a girl a simple question... GALAXIA'S VOICE: As fascinating as this conversation has been, how about we move on now? > >Ash, turning to Nurse Joy, who smiled at him: "Er, could you revitalize >these 18 Pokémon, please?" SIREN (Joy): Certainly. That will be 540000 yen, plus tax. > >Nurse Joy, nodding: "Sure thing, Ash!" CROW (Joy): The entire world exists to serve you, you know! SIREN (Ash): [modestly] Oh... I know... > >Ash, surprised: "How do you know my name?" NYANKO: Nurse Joy just smiled... and drew her gun... > >Nurse Joy, cheerfully: "Well, you're stirring up quite a buzz among >Trainers, aren't you? SIREN (Joy): [baby-talking] You're making a little buzz now, aren't you, Ashy-washy? Yes you are! Yes you are! >You're supposed to be this really good Pokémon Trainer, that never loses, >and even beat the infamous AJ!" CROW (Joy): And they say you also beat BJ and CJ! > >Ash, head drooping: "Oh. Great. So now a whole bunch of better Trainers are >gonna be trying to destroy me utterly." NYANKO (Ash): Man... and my sack of skulls is getting really full already... I won't have room for another batch! > >Nurse Joy nodded sweetly, then smiled and took their Pokémon into a room. SIREN: She should ask permission before going into a room alone with their Pocket Monsters... MOUSE: This is why they call her Nurse "Joy." > >Nurse Joy, reappearing: "It will take about an hour." MOUSE: Yeah, that sounds about right. NYANKO: I give up... > >They sat down. They ordered some food. Both Brock and Misty noticed that >Ash didn't seem to be hungry. Instead, he was looking at his Pokédex in a >look of consternation [dismay]. CROW: This sentance clearly shows the superciliousness [condescension] of the author towards his readers. > >Misty, after swallowing a mouthful of salad: "Aren't you going to eat >anything, Ash?" > >Ash, showing her the screen of Dexter: "Look at this. These are the Pokémon >I have. MOUSE (Ash): And I just can't decide which one to eat! >I'm wondering which ones I should choose against the Gym Leader, and its >pretty hard. All of them need more experience, but I don't want any of 'em >to be hurt that badly. NYANKO (Ash): I just, y'know, want 'em beat up a little bit. >I have: Charmander, Pikachu, Butterfree, Beedrill, Fearow, Pidgeotto, >Venomoth, Farfetch'd, Mankey, Zubat, Paras, Clefairy, Bulbasaur, Goldeen, >Wartortle, Krabby, and Seel." CROW: Watch as he sends Krabby out against all of them, and wins. NYANKO: Krabby *is* the Master of the Swimming Guillotine! > >Misty, surprised: "You have a Goldeen? When did you get one?" > >Ash, wincing: "I don't want to talk about it..." > >Ash remembered his poor, poor butt, after Goldeen had punctured it with its >horn. It still ached. ALL: ... CROW: Wow. MOUSE: That one's... hardly worth riffing. > >Ash, shaking his head: "Anyway, if your information on the Gym is accurate >(and I have no reason to doubt it is) the Gym Leader probably uses mostly >all Electric Types. Pokémon strong against Electric attacks are Ground, >Grass, Dragon, and other Electric types. Sense all of my Pokémon need >experience, I have no worry of letting those of these types fight. Okay, >Pikachu will be one, as my backup. CROW: Pikachu: secret weapon. MOUSE: Lt. Surge has a Pikachu gap! >He won't be hurt that badly against strong offense. Butterfree can be my >long- >distance fighter, it has the best long-range capabilities, NYANKO (Ash): And by long-range, I mean having-to-hover-over-the- opponent-and-sprinkle-powder-on-them-before-it-can-do-shit. >and Mankey can be my short-distance..." > >Misty, surprised again: "You think that thing will obey you??" > >Brock, butting in: "I think Misty's right, Ash. I might have some sort of >weirdo grudge against you, because you're a human and you beat it with >martial arts." CROW: When your only attack is Low Kick, you have no right to be upset if someone beats you at martial arts. > >Ash, shrugging naďvely: "I don't see why it should. NYANKO (Ash): We're both martial-arts monkeys, after all. MOUSE: Can the Mankey go Super Saiya-jin? >I beat it in fair combat. Now, Bulbasaur will be my main attacker, against >any Pokémon I think the others can't handle. I think I'll use Charmander as >well, to get it some good experience. SIREN (Ash): And it'll go well on his resume. >That gives me a team of Charmander, Pikachu, Butterfree, Mankey, and >Bulbasaur. Let's also add Paras to see what it can do." CROW (Ash): I've been looking for a Pokémon that's good at losing horribly... it's something that none of my other Pokémon seem to be able to manage. I think Paras will be just the ticket! > >Brock, his meal finished: "Paras? The thing you told me you caught in Mt. >Moon?" MOUSE (Brock): But which you coincidentially acquired at the same time that *my* Paras mysteriously vanished? > >Ash, nodding: "Yeah." > >Brock, wiping his mouth with his napkin: "I don't think you should use that >one either, Ash. Mt. Moon doesn't have Pokémon that are very high level, >usually. And a puny little Paras? It can't be more than twelfth level. >Choose a different one, like Venomoth." CROW (Ash): Actually, if I'm playing Pokémon Yellow, which I am, it can be up to level 13! So there! Ha! > >Ash, fiery: "No WAY, Brock. Just because Paras is a low level doesn't mean >it can't win!" NYANKO: ...and with those words, Ash just guaranteed that Paras would win against anything Surge could throw at him. > >Misty, putting a hand on Brock's shoulder before he could respond: "Forget >it, Brock. Ash can be so stubborn, he won't be swayed from this strangely >idiotic path. Even by you." MOUSE: Sure, and we all know the incredible persuasive powers of Brock. > >Brock looked at her, saw the light of truth and amusement in her eyes, and >backed down. Ash glared at Misty. > >Brock, nonchalantly standing up: "Fine. Its your Pokémon, anyway." SIREN (Brock): So you're entitled to send it into horribly mismatched battles so you can watch it be crushed for your own sadistic amusement. NYANKO: Well, duh. > >Ash, nodding, daydreaming of the Pokémon League: "Yeah...yeah, it sure >is..." CROW (Ash): Paras is my gravy ticket, baby! It's going to lead me to fame and fortune! > >Nurse Joy, appearing with a tray of 17 Pokéballs and Pikachu: "Here you >are." MOUSE: Oh, his food is finally there. NYANKO (Ash): Dammit, I wanted that Pikachu well-done, not rare! SIREN: Stop that! > >Brock, drooling: "Why, thank you Nurse Joy! Now, about a date ton-" > >Ash, firmly pulling Brock away from Nurse Joy: "Time to go." MOUSE: Aww, he's jealous of Nurse Joy. > >They left the Pokémon Center and headed for the Gym across town. SIREN: o/ It's fun to stay at the Y M C A! o/ >Brock tried to break out of the steel grip of the younger, not as strong >boy. > >Brock, struggling to get out of Ash's grip and back towards the Pokémon >Center: "B-but!" > >Misty took out her 'oagam', and he fell silent. MOUSE (Brock): Fine, but I take that as a promise for tonight. > >When they got there, fifteen minutes later, Ash knocked on the door. It >opened at impact, surprising them. NYANKO: The door has surprise! The door attacks! >There was no light. Ash and his friends could see a few people >watching them in the gloom. CROW: Man, being eaten by a Gloom... that's embarassing. >Suddenly, the lights blinked on. > >Ash, blinking: "Wha? Oh, hello. Is one of you the Gym Leader?" SIREN (Gymnists): Our Gym has no leader. It's presided over by a democratically elected council. > >The biggest man Ash had ever seen in his life stepped up. > >Huge guy, smiling and pointing to his chest: "I am, baby. I guess you wish >to challenge me, just like all the other 3,067 babies I've already beaten?" NYANKO: Woah! This guy beats babies for fun? I like him already! > >Ash, eyes narrowing, angry at this rudeness: "What do you mean by >'baby'??!" MOUSE: Obviously, he's hitting on you... baby. > >Misty winced. Oh, man was this guy, Lieutenant Surge as she remembered, >going down. She remembered battling him, and having almost beating him, >even with all Water Pokémon. CROW: Wow, and considering Misty's Pokémon lose to Cubone and Growlithe, that must mean Surge is *really* pathetic. NYANKO: Who cares... anyone who beats up babies is cool in my book. > >Huge guy, laughing: "I call all the Trainers I beat 'baby'. And you've got >a Pikachu, huh. Haven't even evolved it yet? Look, baby's got a baby >Pokémon!" SIREN: Now he's hitting on Pikachu, too! > >Ash, flaring as the others in the Gym guffawed: "Well you haven't beaten me >yet, so save your breath!" > >Huge guy, leering down at the 'baby': "The call me Surge. CROW: Of course the do, Surge. Of course the do. >Lieutenant Surge. So, you'd like a match? Fine. I don't know why, a baby >like you couldn't stand a chance, but I'll accept your challenge. MOUSE (Surge): How about you and I go one on one, baby? I'll show you why they call me "Surge"... >No time limit. MOUSE (Surge): I can go aaaaaaaaaall day long. NYANKO: Geh... >How many Pokémon, baby?" > >Ash, growling: "Six on six." CROW (Ash): Actually, I do want all my Pokémon to get experience... how about eighteen on eighteen? > >Surge, nodding and smirking: "Okay, baby. Go, Magneton!" > >Ash, doing his pose and throwing a Pokéball: "Paras! I choose you!" SIREN (Paras): Ash! You chose me over all those other Pokémon you were stringing along? Oh, Ash, I accept! > >Surge, laughing again: "That little thing? Pathetic! Magneton, Sonic Boom!" > >Ash, yelling: "Paras, Dig into the ground then use Stun Spore!" MOUSE (Ash): Stun that ground good, Paras! I'm counting on you! > >Surge, growling: "What?" CROW: The hell? Paras doesn't know Dig! MOUSE: It can learn it from a TM, though, right? CROW: Yeah, but Ash has never even taken this thing out of it's Pokéball before! And where did he get the TM from? NYANKO: The same place he gets everything else from, Crow... he pulled it out of his ass. SIREN: *I* wouldn't use that TM, if I was Paras. > >The Sonic Waves flew at Paras as it Dug itself into the ground, going out >of view, earth blocking the sound. Then it popped right back out and Stun >Spored Magneton, making the thing quiver. > >Ash, pointing: "Paras, use Spore attack, now!" CROW: Paras learns that attack at level 27... I thought this Paras was 13, max. > >Paras sprayed its Spores and Magneton fell asleep. SIREN: Magnet on... magnet off. > >[So paralyzing something in the game means you can't put it to sleep >(literally). MOUSE: Can you still put it to sleep metaphorically? CROW: Heh heh... sleep and paralysis don't combine, but confusion and paralysis do. Ah, sweet, sweet parafusion... how I love thee. >This isn't the game, so it doesn't apply. Right? Right? (Ducks as tomatoes >are thrown at him from Pokémon-game purists) Hey, stop!] [CROW throws a tomato at the screen.] GALAXIA'S VOICE: I expect you to clean that up. > >Surge, urging his Pokémon: "Magneton, wake up!" > >Ash: "Paras, while its down, Slash it till it breaks apart!" CROW: Gaaah... it knows Slash? This Paras is level 34, and counting. NYANKO: See, this is how fast Pokémon gain levels under Ash. > >Paras Slashed again at again at Magneton. Suddenly, it jerked, then fell >into three Magnemites. [It would return to normal once fully healed. >Hopefully.] SIREN: Or, maybe it will just remain with a shattered body and psyche for the rest of it's individual components' miserable, incomplete existences. NYANKO: That has *my* vote! > >Surge: "Whoah!" > >Ash: "Return, Paras!" NYANKO: ...but it was too late. Paras caught the deadly Odin Virus and suddenly collapsed, cut into three equal parts... > >Surge, smirking: "Return, Magneton. (Winking at Ash) Ya know, baby, you >could've used Paras against my next Pokémon in official League rules, but >you didn't, so you can't use it again. CROW: Ooooh, so *that*'s why nobody ever switches out. Well, gee, that really... removes a whole lot of strategy. Yes, that it certainly does. >Your dinky little baby Paras was fully healed." > >Ash, evenly: "So? I wanted to call it back. You think I haven't memorized >the rules by heart? MOUSE (Ash): You think I'm not an incredible Pokémon geek? You think I have a *life*? Well, think again! >Get a clue. I like the matches to be even." > >Surge, incredulous: "But that could cost you a Badge!!" SIREN (Ash): Oh, that's okay. Mom's raising my Badge allowance soon. > >Ash, with a smirk as he looked patronizingly at Surge: NYANKO (Ash): The author doesn't like you, you sad, pathetic excuse for a Gym Leader. *I* am the chosen one! >"So? I can just come back and do it again. Besides, I have, I think longer >than a year to earn 5 more Badges. This isn't the only Gym around." SIREN (Ash): I'll take my business elsewhere! > >Surge took another look at this young man. He was more handsome than the >usual snot-nosed brat, with his slim but surprisingly well-muscled frame >and deep amber eyes. He had midnight-black hair. His body seemed devoid of >acne or any other indentation that might have shown him as teenager, making >him look more like an overgrown pre-teen. ALL: ... CROW: ...Guys, he's checking Ash out. MOUSE: Yeah... he really, seriously is. CROW: And it's not even funny, because it's true. >Surge recognized the League cap and realized this Trainer was at least one >of the top four Game Boy players in the world. NYANKO (Ash): NinTENdo ownS my soUL... SIREN: Oh, so that's where it is. >He also wore midnight-black gloves. > >Surge gasped, eyes widening. Everyone knew those gloves. At least, every >Indigo League Gym Leader. CROW: At least, every Indigo League Gym Leader based in Vermillion City who focuses on Electric-type Pokémon and has a military rank. >About 42 years ago, a woman Surge's father had known named Willow Ketchum >had won the Pokémon League tournament and became Indigo League Champion. >Each year, specially fitted fighting gloves were awarded to the victor, CROW: Fighting gloves for the Pokémon champions? Why? They don't actually *fight*. MOUSE: Maybe they award special hats to their swimming champions, too. SIREN: And running shoes to their mathemeticians! >and hers had been the second year, so she was awarded with some of the most >memorable ones, midnight-black ones. MOUSE: Uh huh. Black is such a memorable color. Yep, it's really unique and interesting, all right. SIREN (Surge): Oh, wait... those aren't the champion gloves, they're just ones that you can pick up at the supermarket for three bucks. >When she had a son, Cypress Ketchum, she gave the gloves to him, who made >them even more famous when he won the Indigo Pokémon League at age 16 >twenty years after his mother, a feat none other had done. CROW: Well, of *course* nobody had ever won the Indigo Pokémon League twenty years after Cypress's mother. MOUSE: Huh? >He married a traveling companion of his, Delilah Wills, two years later. 8 >years ago, Cypress had died in a car crash, making Delilah a widow and >Cypress's little son fatherless. CROW: And Cypress lived sixteen years, and defeated the Pokémon League: And Cypress lived two years, and he begat Ash: And all the days of Cypress were thirty-four years: and he died. NYANKO: Oh, and I thought Ash the Messiah was a virgin birth. > >Surge, thinking: {Now, what was that name again? Ashley? Ashton? No, it was >Ashura, just Ash >publicly, Surge remembered that.} NYANKO: Woah, look at the obvious attempt to make Ash's name cooler than it actually is! MOUSE: Good thinking on his dad's part to make it Ash publicly... otherwise "Ashura" would have gotten beaten up a lot as a kid. > >Surge: "Hey, kid, what's your name?" > >Ash, pleasantly surprised Surge hadn't called him a baby: NYANKO: See, set people's expectations low enough and they'll be happy when you're anything less than terrible towards them! >"Ash. Why do you ask?" > >Surge, eyes widening: "I think I knew your father. CROW (Surge): Who's your daddy? >Cypress Ketchum, right? Yer last name's Ketchum..." SIREN (Surge): You poor, poor kid. > >Ash, not looking surprised: "Yeah. Its not surprising that you've met >him, actually. He was a Pokémon Master, after all." > >So, it was Ash. Yes, he was obviously the son of Cypress. MOUSE (Surge): The son of Cypress, on this planet!? NYANKO (Surge): Come to me, son of Cypress! *Kneel* before *Surge*! >Ash radiated a certain aura of self-confidence, and a certain smart-aleck >talk, which reminded Surge strongly of Ash's father. NYANKO: Gee, Cypress must have been an Author Avatar, too. >Now Surge looked past Ash. There was a cute red-haired teen who had a >pretty good sense of style, considering her wardrobe. MOUSE: So... he's saying she has an incredibly unstylish wardrobe, but that she still has good style? SIREN: I like how Surge is taking a break from the Pokémon battle to analyze Misty's sense of style. MOUSE: Well, gay men *do* tend to pay more attention to stuff like that. >She would obviously be Ash's girlfriend or somesuch. CROW: Argh! Now he's checking out the competition for Ash! MOUSE: So what? You're not getting freaked out like Nyanko, are you? CROW: It's just freaky because it's *so* obvious... >She seemed to like blue for some reason. SIREN: Ummm, how does he know that? NYANKO (Surge): Now I will use my psychic powers to read Misty's mind and get some insight into Ash's weaknesses... MOUSE (Misty): {Blue blue blue blue blue blue blue} NYANKO (Surge): ...so much for that idea. >Surge felt like he had seen her before. Never the subtle one... > >Surge, calling: "Yo, young lady in the stands?" CROW (Surge): Step right up! Yes, that's right, the young lady in the stands in the blue shirt! You're our chosen contestant! > >Misty, startled: "Yes?" > >Surge, scratching his head: "Why do I feel like I've seen you before?" > >Misty, smiling: "I'm Misty, the lead Cerulean City Gym Leader. NYANKO: If you're a leader, you're probably the lead, yeah. >Also, I battled you for a Badge, but lost, a couple of years ago. MOUSE: Wait, wasn't she too young to own Pokémon a couple of years ago? CROW: Fake IDs. All the young trainers have 'em. >(Pointing to the young man beside her) And this is Brock, the Pewter City >Gym Leader." > >Brock, waving: "Hi." > >So, she liked blue because Cerulean was a shade of blue. ALL: Ohhhhhhhhh! MOUSE: I was *wondering* about that! SIREN: It all makes sense now! >How did Ash get two Gym Leaders to follow him? NYANKO (Surge): He must have pretty good blackmail material. >Maybe Ash would tell him later. MOUSE (Surge): Hey, Ash. How'd you get a cute guy like Brock to be your personal love slave? >Misty was pretty, and everyone looking at her could sense she would >probably be as beautiful as her popular Gym Leader sisters someday, just >not today. SIREN: Today, she had a bad hair day. NYANKO: Yeah, she forgot one of her ponytails. >Today, she was just a cute, red-haired, and great Water Trainer, CROW: I know a Cubone who would say otherwise. >the girlfriend of Ash. Or Brock. SIREN: Or Pikachu. MOUSE: Whoever. >Which didn't make her common, CROW: I think she's Holographic Rare, just like most of the other Gym Leader Trainer Cards. >just expected for one of Ash's stature. NYANKO: Short? >She was his height and had his type of nose. MOUSE: The kind that's constantly up in the air! >And it might be a match if she was Brock's girlfriend, as they were both >Gym Leaders (albeit, probably the least strongest ones, as Surge recalled). SIREN: Everyone is the strongest! Some people are just more strongest than others. >[He's actually better...Misty only almost won because it was a one-on-one >match with Starmie against Hitmonchan.] > >Surge now looked more closely at Brock. Brock was a ruggedly handsome young >man with strong features and very tanned skin. CROW: My god, he's checking out Brock now! >He was wearing a pair of gray cargo pants and a brown vest over a >white T-shirt. SIREN: Yay, more fashion notes by Surge! MOUSE: We're renaming this fanfic, "Gay Eye for the Squinty Guy." >[Did I tell you about Brock's matching clothing?] MOUSE: I think we missed that, thank Galaxia. >Pewter was the city of stone, and Brock resembled a stone-like human. The >strange thing was that he squinted, so it was impossible to see the color >of his eyes. They would probably be brown or gray, though. NYANKO: Or BLANK HOLES INTO THE EMPTY VOID. > >Surge looked at the Pikachu at Ash's side. It was pretty large for its >species and obviously male. CROW: And now he's checking out Pikachu... man. NYANKO: Now you feel some of my pain, Crow. CROW: Well... it's just... riffing it is one thing, but the author writing it in is quite another. MOUSE: Yeah, I wasn't expecting Surge to be so flaming. >And Surge could sense its power level to be pretty high, for a Pikachu. CROW (Surge): [checking his power reader] A power level of 240? Inconceivable! No mere Pikachu could reach that high! NYANKO: Meh, fifty farmers with shotguns could still take him. >Maybe it was good, but no Pikachu could beat its evolved form. Or so Surge >thought. MOUSE (Narrator): We've actually replaced Ash's Pikachu with a Mew, Transformed into a Pikachu... let's see how long it takes for Lt. Surge to notice. > >Surge noticed a strange thing about Ash's little party. They seemed, >actually, bored. Like they just wanted Ash to get it over with. SIREN: I think we all feel that way, really. >Did they not care that much, or was their opinion of Ash so low? Or >so high? CROW: Or were Surge's thoughts getting really repititive, or unnecessary? Or boring? > >Surge, smiling grimly: "Okay Ash, get ready. You may have beginner's luck, >but you can't face the force of my Electrode! MOUSE: The Electrode is very strong in the Force. CROW: Are its lightning bolts black? >(Throwing another Pokéball from his utility belt) Go!" > >Ash, grinning and doing a peace sign by his head: SIREN (Ash): Peace! Now let's fight! >"Don't be so sure! (Throwing a Pokéball) Go, Mankey!" > >Mankey appeared, growling. It was about the size of Primeape, its evolved >form. Misty and Brock winced, MOUSE (Misty): Man, Ash's Mankey is so large and ugly... NYANKO: Stop right there, Mouse. >and Surge gasped. > >Surge, eyes widening again: "That is one big Mankey!" MOUSE (Surge): I mean, that Mankey, it's just so big! It's so round... it's like, so... out there! NYANKO: [threateningly] I'm warning you, Mouse... MOUSE (Surge): I like big Mankeys, that I've got to say Mankeys with the power to stay If a Mankey goes limp When you smack it a bit Then there ain't no place for it On my team, gotta take some space Before in my balls it's placed Don't you tell me that's not the case Little Mankeys ain't worth nothin' It's easy to beat their stuffin' Small Mankeys don't get no action But a huge Mankey gives satisfaction! [CROW and SIREN applaud politely.] > >Ash, smirking: "Thanks. Mankey, go! Use your Thrash!" CROW (Mankey): Are you kidding? That Thrash is one-of-a-kind! I'm not going to use it in combat and risk putting it in harm's way! > >Mankey, turning its head in a sign of dismissal: "Man." 'No.' MOUSE (Ash): Man? NYANKO (Mankey): Man. MOUSE (Ash): Man! NYANKO (Mankey): Man. MOUSE (Ash): Maaaaaan. > >Ash, totally caught off-guard: "What?!" > >Mankey, closing its eyes and crossing its arms across its chest: "Mankey." >'I said "no".' SIREN: Yaaay! Just say no, Mankey! > >Surge, allowing himself a smile: "This should be easy, if you can't even >control your Pokémon. Electrode, go! Thunderbolt!" > >Mankey, commanding itself: "Mank!" 'Rage!' CROW: Mankey doesn't learn Rage... only Primeape. MOUSE: Large Mankeys break *all* the rules. > >Mankey started pummeling Electrode as it was hit by electricity again and >again and again. Electrode dodged away and Mankey stopped. CROW: Actually, having used Rage in a Red/Blue-based story, Mankey should keep on pummeling Electrode until he dies from the electricity. > >Ash, frantic: "Mankey, please obey me and use Focus Energy!" > >Mankey: "Man. Manky!" 'No. Low Kick!" CROW: Uh, no, Mankey. Not Low Kick. Rage. Remember Rage? It makes you Rage. > >Mankey jumped over the ground and booted Electrode around the room. NYANKO: Boot to the... uh, head? MOUSE: So Mankey is kicking Surge's balls now? > >Surge: "Electrode, as it kicks you, use Explosion!" > >Ash, feeling control as he forgot Mankey wouldn't obey him in the rush of a >seeming victory: "Finish it off! Fury Swipes!" CROW: Or RAGE. > >Mankey: "Man. Mankey mank mankey!" MOUSE: Mank the Mankey! >'No. Combined Fleet Foot and Comet Kick attacks!' CROW: ...a who what and a what now? NYANKO (Mankey): Followed up with an Athete's Foot attack! > >Misty, blown away, MOUSE (Misty): Looks like Team Misty's blasting off agaaaaain... >analyzing the situation: "Woah! Ash's Mankey won't obey, but its winning by >its own attacks anyway! CROW: Deep analysis there, Misty. >Its pretending like its still wild... NYANKO (Misty): It hasn't realized yet that it's a slave and should be acting as such! SIREN: Mankey is an inspiration to us all. He's like Russel Crowe in "Gladiator"! >its acting like Surge is trying to capture it, and taking counter- >measures accordingly!" MOUSE (Misty): Like sabatoging Surge's Acme devices! > >Brock, marveling: "Man, that Pokémon is extremely strong! And FAST! >Normally, it wouldn't be able to catch up with the lightning-quick >Electrode! And look! It just used an attack I've never even heard of!" CROW: Gee, that's never happened in these battles before. > >Mankey went so fast you couldn't see him until after he had kicked the >other Pokémon high up into the air like a football, where it exploded. > >Surge, recalling his Electrode, shaking his head: "Kid, you sure are lucky! >Return, Electrode!" > >Ash, recalling Mankey: "Return, Mankey! NYANKO: You know what I just realized? Ash keeps recalling his Pokémon after every battle, even though he wins, and apparently by League rules he's not allowed to send them back in. MOUSE: Yeah. NYANKO: So every battle until the last one won't matter. SIREN: Right... NYANKO: So Flareon is making us sit through this JUST TO SHOW OFF HOW AWESOME ASH IS. CROW: I think that's about right, yeah. NYANKO: I swear, Flareon, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm going to... GALAXIA'S VOICE: No threats, now, Tin Nyanko. Remember? NYANKO: Yeah, yeah... >(Scratching the back of his head, embarrassed) Well, we all need a little >luck." SIREN (Ash): o/ ...and we could all use a little change... o/ > >Surge, throwing a Pokéball: "Go, Jolteon!" > >Ash, throwing his own Pokéball: "Go! Butterfree!" SIREN (Butterfree): Actually, I've decided to change my name to Buttercaptured to better reflect my status in life. MOUSE: He should go into business and call himself Butterexpensive. > >Surge: "Jolteon, Agility!" > >Ash, simultaneously: "Butterfree, Tackle!" CROW: Oh, come *on*. With Butterfree's low attack score, it shouldn't bother using weak-ass physical attacks like Tackle. And why is Jolteon using Agility? It's already much faster than Butterfree, and if it uses an Electric attack instead, the Flying-type Butterfree is going to be wishing it had stayed a Metapod! > >Butterfree zipped towards Jolteon, but Jolteon just jumped out of the way >in a flash of speed. Jolteon was just running in circles around the room, >Ash noticed. It had no where else to run. Its mistake was running in a >circuit. Ash knew where it would go right before it went there. MOUSE (Jolteon): I *could* use my increased speed for some sort of useful, offensive maneuver.... but I think I'll just run around the ring like an idiot instead. CROW (Surge): I *could* tell Jolteon to use his increased speed for some sort of useful, offensive maneuver... but I think I'll just let it run around the ring like an idiot instead. SIREN: When it comes to bad Pokémon tactics, who's *really* to blame? Remember, kids... only *you* can prevent stupidity. > >Ash, pointing at an area a few feet in front of Jolteon: "Butterfree, use >Psybeam there!" SIREN (Ash): Paras stunned the ground before... now you finish it off! > >Butterfree's beam shot into the darting Jolteon as Jolteon literally ran >into it. NYANKO: Ha ha surge is stupid ash is teh ultimate trainer! > >Ash, delighted that his strategy had worked: "Now use Confusion!" > >Blue energy picked Jolteon and slammed it against the ceiling, then back to >the ground. > >Surge, anguished: "Jolteon!" MOUSE (Surge): Noooooo! I loved you like a brother! CROW: Frankly, a trainer loving a Pokémon "like a brother" is a welcome change of pace. > >Ash, wincing at the pain he was causing: "Butterfree, finish it off with >Mega Drain!" CROW: AAARGH! Do *all* of his Pokémon know *every* TM move available to them? MOUSE: Yeah, plus other stuff. SIREN: My, my... just think of a Mew trained under Ash, then. > >Butterfree swooped down and touched Jolteon's head with its antennae, >sucking in all of the power remaining in the electric fox. MOUSE: Jolteon: it's powerful... LIKE A FOX! SIREN: It's speedy... LIKE A FOX! NYANKO: It's cunning... LIKE A REALLY STUPID FOX! > >Surge, spit flying out of his mouth as he expelled it from his mouth with >force: "No! Er...Jolteon, return! MOUSE (Surge): Spit, go! >Go, Hitmonchan!" SIREN: Aww, Go is going to hit Mon-chan! > >Ash, pointing his Pokéball's beam: "Return, Butterfree! Go, Bulbasaur!" > >Surge, sighing in relief: "Finally, an easy-to-beat Pokémon! CROW (Surge): I mean, those previous Pokémon were freakin' *tough*, man! Paras, Mankey, Butterfree... that's, like, a team for challenging the Elite Four, right there! >Hitmonchan, Comet Punch!" > >Ash, growling: "Easy-to-beat, huh?! MOUSE (Ash): You think *those* Pokémon are easy to beat? Bulbasaur, go show them a *real* easy-to-beat Pokémon! >Bulbasaur, dodge left and Mega Kick!" > >Surge, in denial: "Bulbasaur can't learn Mega Kick!" > >Brock, whispering to Misty, smiling: "Denial." SIREN: [whispering to CROW, in denial] Smiling. > >Ash, yelling heatedly: "Mine can!" ALL: ... NYANKO: I really, really want to kill him. CROW: I think we can all sympathize. > >Hitmonchan flew towards Bulbasaur with its fist in front. Right before it >hit Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur was able to dodge to the left, sending its >forefoot slamming into the speeding Hitmonchan's stomach. MOUSE (Bulbasaur): That's just a warning! Don't let me catch you speeding again, or I'll give you a fine! > >[Bulbasaur can only do this move because Ash is a good teacher, and because >Bulbasaur is at the high level of 30, almost the time it would evolve into >Venusaur normally. CROW: But... but... Venusaur can't learn Mega Kick either! SIREN: Don't try to fight Flareon's Pokémon logic, Crow-san. >The Hitmonchan is about level 20. *] > >Hitmonchan flew backwards, hitting a wall. NYANKO: PROPERTY DAMAGE! >After a few moments, it slowly got up. > >Surge: "Good!" MOUSE (Surge): Good! Hitmonchan can be shamefully beaten up some more! > >Ash: "It's still punching??! CROW: No... but it's still staggering. >Bulbasaur, finish it off with Leech Seed!" > >Bulbasaur: "Bulba!" 'Sure thing!' > >Out of Bulbasaur's back, a seed flew out of the bulb and implanted itself >on one of Hitmonchan's fists, then wrapping the entire body, sucking >Hitmonchan's energy. SIREN (Ash): Bulbasaur, gather energy for our Great Leader! CROW: Alright, so he's a Saiya-jin changeling on Earth, planted to destroy it... but the existence of Pokémon poses a challenge to his race's unparallelled fighting powers, so he's attempting to revive Metallia instead, hoping that she can do his dirty work for him. SIREN: Makes perfect sense. >But still the Hitmonchan walked towards Bulbasaur. NYANKO (Hitmonchan): Brains... braaaaains... > >Ash, a little nervous and a lot irritated: "Bulbasaur, Razor Leaf!" MOUSE: You know what's funny? How Ash's Pokémon routinely use attack after attack on their enemies, without their enemies getting a chance to hit back. CROW: Oh yeah... it's just a barrel of laughs. > >Razor Leaves flew our of the sides of Bulbasaur's bulb and sliced into >Hitmonchan, slicing up the gloves and giving Hitmonchan shallow cuts on the >head and arms. NYANKO: Just decapitate the thing. It's the only way to be sure with zombies. >Ash sighed relief as Hitmonchan finally sighed and collapsed, defeated. > >Surge: "Good try, Hitmonchan! SIREN (Surge): But no cigar! MOUSE (Hitmonchan): But I can't live without my smokes! >Return. NYANKO (Hitmonchan): Can't hear. Unconcious. Bleeding. >Go, Electabuzz!" > >Ash, taking out Pokédex: "Hmm..." CROW (Ash): I... have a sudden premonition that this Pokédex has extremely useful information that I can exploit. > >Pokedex: "Electabuzz, the Electric Punching Pokémon. Strangely, this >Pokémon is one of two types of Pokémon that aren't colorblind, and it >becomes enraged when seeing any shade of red." MOUSE (Pokédex): Pokédex, the Pokémon identifier. Strangely, out of all possible information it can provide, it tends to give only the most relevant and applicable tidbit. > >Ash, putting away his Pokédex and taking out a Pokéball: "I can deal with >Pokémon in a tantrum. Go, Charmander!" NYANKO (Ash): Charmander throws lots of hissy fits! And I can *deal* with that! > >Charmander appeared and glared at Electabuzz. Suddenly, Electabuzz's eyes >went blood red. SIREN: Good thing it can't see it's own eyes, then. > >Surge: "Electabuzz, Thunderpunch!" > >Electabuzz just started charging towards Charmander. MOUSE: Charging! It's a pun because Electabuzz is Electric-type... heh heh... uh, nevermind. > >Surge, confused: "Electabuzz?" NYANKO: No... it's his twin brother, Electabuzz. > >Ash: "Charmander, Ember!" > >Charmander waved its tail in wide circles, throwing fire all around it. MOUSE: *That's* where it's fire comes from? NYANKO: I guess Charmander took lessons from Ash in producing things from it's rear end. >Electabuzz ran right through the fire, though it must have really hurt. CROW: Oh, yeah. After taking the weakest Fire attack in existance from an unevolved Charmander, he must be in a *world* of hurt. >Its pain only increased its rage. It fairly flew towards Charmander. SIREN: Oh, good. It's nice when people fight fair. > >Ash: "Charmander, dodge and Flamethrower!" NYANKO (Surge): Ooooh, I get it. If you tell Pokémon to "dodge" attacks, they'll be able to avoid them with no ill effects, and still be able to attack back easily! This revelation will totally overturn all established Pokémon battle tactics! MOUSE: Wow, Ash is like the Ender Wiggin of Pokémon Trainers. > >Charmander jumped backwards and a long stream of fire erupted from his >mouth, scorching Electabuzz, which just kept coming. > >Ash, almost panicking: "Okay, try another Flamethrower!" SIREN (Ash): Just, hmmm... try another Flamethrower... and, you know, if it doesn't work, we'll just try something else. No biggie. > >Charmander shot again, but Electabuzz just punched Charmander across the >room after being hit more. > >Ash, crying out in anguish: "Charmander!! Are you okay??" ALL: [gasp] CROW: You mean one of Surge's Pokémon *hurt* one of *Ash's*? SIREN: Who would have thought it could happen? > >Charmander slowly got up, and blinked a couple times. Then it shook its >head, and nodded, looking like it was in pain. NYANKO: Meh, it's just trolling for sympathy. Well, you'll get none from me! > >Ash: "Good! Now, for your special attack! Try that move we saw that Magmar >on TV do! Heat Shield!" SIREN: So *that's* how he trains his Pokémon to do all these moves. MOUSE (Ash): Charmander, do that thing! You know, the thing with all the fire that makes you win the battle! Go for it! > >Charmander's eyes flashed and its tail grew very high. A flame-like >shimmering appeared around Charmander. Electabuzz tried to Thunderbolt, but >the electricity just bounced off the shield. CROW: Because heat, uh, really deflects electricity. Yeah. > >Brock, in awe: "Wow...Ash's Charmander formed a air lance, but somehow it >looks like it also made some sort of force field...I've gotta know where >Ash found that technique..." NYANKO: Where the sun don't shine, as usual. SIREN: What *doesn't* he have there? > >Ash: "Charmander, use Fire Spin, now!" > >Charmander sucked in deeply and blew out a tornado of fire, which locked in >on Electabuzz. SIREN: It's a *heat-seeking* Fire Spin! >Electabuzz was sucked into the center, then the fire collapsed in on it. >When it was over, Electabuzz lay fainted on the ground. Ash let out his >breath. MOUSE (Ash): Breath, go! > >Ash: "Charmander, that was incredible! Great job!" > >Surge, crestfallen: "Electabuzz, you shame me! NYANKO (Surge): You must now commit seppuku to regain your honor! >Return! Now, Ash, you will see what kind of baby your Pikachu really is!" CROW (Surge): He wets the bed at night and cries for his mommy! > >Surge threw a Pokéball and a large Raichu appeared. Ash checked its level >and found out quickly it was 58th, the same as Pikachu. Raichu would have >the advantage with its size and boosted power rating. But it might have >weaknesses. Ash would have to explore them. NYANKO: To help Ash recognize the weaknesses of Pokémon, I recommend the Bakusai Tenketsu training. SIREN: What's that? NYANKO: Hitting him repeatedly with large boulders. CROW: Bad idea... Saiya-jin get stronger after being beaten within an inch of their lives. > >Ash, calmly: "And I choose Pikachu." MOUSE: Feel the tense *excitement*! > >Ash, psychically to Pikachu: {Pikachu, this Raichu has the same level as >you. CROW: How does he *know* that? Are their levels printed on their foreheads, or what? NYANKO: He was dispatched from Vegeta-sei... he surely has a power scanner. >I don't know how to beat it, but I just want you to know you don't have to >kill yourself for this badge. NYANKO (Ash): You have to kill *Raichu* for this badge. >I can always get another one.} > >Pikachu patted Ash's cheek. SIREN (Pikachu): Thank you for the concern, dear. > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash: {I'll try my best. I want to see how good >Raichus really are. You know, to see if I want to become one.} CROW (Ash): Well... they're just like Pikachus, except stronger, faster, more durable, and more powerful. Want to be one? MOUSE (Pikachu): ...Naah, they sound like they really suck compared to Pikachus. > >Ash, nodding and scratching Pikachu behind the ear: "Good. And thanks." > >Surge: "You may start. You've been more than fair." CROW (Surge): In fact, you've been rather condescending. > >Ash, flashing a smile at him: "Thanks. Go Pikachu! Agility!" > >Pikachu zoomed around and around the Gym. ALL: o/ Go Pi-ka-chu! o/ o/ Go Pi-ka-chu! o/ o/ Go Pi-ka-chu gooooo! o/ > >Surge, thinking: {Oh, crap. He taught his Pikachu speed techniques. Now I >wish I had, for the short time Raichu was a Pikachu! SIREN: He's repenting the error of his ways. >How to beat it, how to beat it... NYANKO: He should just pull a Swift TM out of his ass. SIREN: Oh, Nyanko-san. We all know that only works with Ash's ass. NYANKO: Fine, he can pull it out of Ash's ass, then. MOUSE: So you're saying Surge should get a piece of his ass? NYANKO: ... >if I get lucky just once, CROW (Surge): ...then my intense sexual frustration towards cute teenage boys will finally be sated! >I met be able to knock it out cleanly.} NYANKO (Surge): Otherwise, it's going to be really messy with all the blood and stuff. > >Surge: "Go, Raichu! Body Slam!" > >Raichu was normally quicker than a non-speeding Pikachu because its feet >and legs were longer and stronger. CROW: And because it's Speed attribute is about twenty points higher. >But Pikachu with Agility was still way faster. MOUSE: Yeah, but can it navigate sharp corners? >Raichu missed, landing hard on its stomach. It quickly got back up. > >Surge: "Raichu, Mega Punch!" NYANKO: That thing's arms are so short that a Mega Punch is basically a Body Slam... > >Ash: "Pikachu, Quick Attack!" MOUSE (Ash): Just attack quickly and get it over with, I have a dentist appointment at four o'clock! > >Pikachu zoomed through Raichu's legs, hitting it on the back. But Raichu's >eyes were quick enough to determine the motion, and it backhanded the air >immediately after Pikachu had slashed it. MOUSE (Ash): No, Pikachu! Quick Attack, not Slow Attack! >Pikachu flew a distance to the ground, hurt. > >Ash, anguished: "Pikachu!!! Please, get up!" CROW (Ash): I have money riding on this fight! *Big* money! > >Pikachu got up, with barely more than half of his health. Raichu ran >towards it, and Pikachu darted around again. > >Ash: "Pikachu, Thunderbolt!" > >Pikachu's Thunderbolt engulfed Raichu, but since Raichu had larger electric >sacks, it wasn't hurt very much. MOUSE: Woah, excuse me, but I don't care who has the larger electric sacks. NYANKO: Oh yeah? Before, you were quite concerned over the comparative size of their Mankeys. MOUSE: Yeah, but who really wants large sacks? > >Surge: "Raichu! Show it a REAL Thunderbolt!" SIREN (Raichu): Alright... I'll start moving the clouds overhead into position. > >Ash: "Quick, Pikachu! MOUSE (Ash): Mega Kick it in the electric sacks! >Absorb it!" > >Raichu's sacks glowed and it unleashed a seismic amount of electricty, ALL: ... CROW: ...what is that, an amount of electric energy that can be measured on the Richter Scale? SIREN: It probably just means it was enough electricity to mess up the equipment they use, so they *thought* they were detecting an earthquake. >barely hitting Pikachu. The part that did was absorbed into Pikachu, giving >it more slightly more health and power. MOUSE: Great, so the amount of power they have is directly dependent on how full their electric sacks are? CROW: And yet, in order to fight, they need to discharge them... interesting irony there. > >Surge, waving at Ash: "Hold for a minute. How did you teach Pikachu that >move?" SIREN (Ash): You just have to teach them to feel the groove! CROW (Ash): Let's just say I made liberal use of the whip. MOUSE (Ash): Twelve step training programs, educational seminars, and audio books! NYANKO (Ash): Here's a hint... it rhymes with my name. > >Ash: "Any Pikachu or Raichu can, if they have enough strength. But mine can >only do it once when its health is this high." CROW (Ash): And when his health is full, he can shoot sword beams. > >Surge realized Ash had made the error of admitting he could only do it >once. > >Surge: "Raichu, Thunder!" ALL: o/ Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening! o/ > >Raichu unleashed a huge amount of energy, but it missed as the darting >Pikachu jumped behind a rock. MOUSE (Pikachu): o/ Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go? o/ SIREN (Raichu): o/ Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. o/ CROW (Ash): o/ Let him go! o/ NYANKO (Surge): o/ Bismillah! We will not let him go. o/ >Surge swore and gritted his teeth. > >Surge: "Okay, if you can't hit the Pikachu while it has so much cover, >delete the cover, Raichu! ALL: Baleeted! >Fill the whole Gym with electricity!" CROW (Surge): Fry Ash and all our worries will be over! > >Ash: "Wha-oh!" SIREN: o/ Standing by peaceful waters o/ o/ Whoa wah oh wha oh o/ > >Ash jumped to the stands and dragged his friends behind them while Raichu >started the second-biggest electric attack Ash had ever seen (second to >Pikachu's Thunder Ball attack). MOUSE (Ash): That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen! NYANKO: I thought we were past all that Mankey stuff, thanks. >Surge and the other Trainers also dived behind cover. Then he sent a >psychic message to Pikachu. NYANKO (Ash): |-|3y P1|<4(|-|u, \/\/|-|47z p0pp1|\|? >Ash could sense Pikachu was worried. He was too. MOUSE: [indignantly] He was *not*! SIREN: He was *too*! MOUSE: He was *not*! > >Ash, psychically to Pikachu: {Pikachu, tell me exactly what you see.} > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash: {I see a large Raichu to the left of me >getting ready to launch a huge attack that will probably at least break a >few windows. I won't be able to stand after this attack, I'm sure. Its >going to hurt. Basically, brace for impact, captain!} NYANKO (Ash): Great. Of all the times for Pikachu's little Star Trek dementia to kick in... > >Ash, psychically to Pikachu: {Okay, here's what I want you to do. When >Raichu attacks, jump on your tail, so that you are balanced on it. That >will stop the electricity from hurting you. CROW: Okaaaaaay. Sure, whatever you say, Ash. NYANKO: Ash: defining new laws of Pokémon physics every day. >Hopefully, it might only faze you a bit, or it might even recharge you. >Then, when the attack is over, put all of your energy and might into a >Thunderpunch. CROW: [twitching] That's a Gold/Silver/Crystal TM. Where the hell did he get... MOUSE: Uh, Crow, just give it up. What Pokémon can or can't learn doesn't matter in this fanfic, okay? >This attack should drain Raichu's power.} SIREN: Umm, why should Thunder Punch do that against a Raichu that's strong against the attack? > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash: {I hope you're right about this...} > >Ash, psychically to Pikachu: {You and me both.} CROW (Ash): Brock breaks fingers when people don't pay their bets. > >Pikachu, psychically to Ash, rolling its eyes: {Oh, THAT'S reassuring.} > >Raichu started letting loose its energy, making Ash cut off his message. > >Raichu: "RAI YAI!" 'ULTIMATE THUNDER!' MOUSE (Raichu): [Alpha-5] Rai yai yai yai yai! SIREN (Raichu): [to "The Boxer"] o/ Rai yai yai... rai yai yai yai-yai yai-yai yai... o/ MOUSE (Raichu): [karate-noise] Rai... YAI! SIREN (Raichu): [sneezing] Rai... yai! NYANKO: Shut up, you two! What's the big deal? MOUSE: Well, we're just surprised Raichu can say a syllable that isn't in its name. > >Raichu's electric sacks lit with white energy as it channeled its innate >energy into a blast of Thunder throughout the Gym. MOUSE (Raichu): [relieved] Aaaaaah... >In the midst of it all, Pikachu stood on its tail and closed its eyes as >the electric strike launched through its body and into the ground. He >clenched his teeth and trembled as the massive amount of power hit him. >Surge covered his head as the ceiling blew up. NYANKO: Then fell down, crushing them all. SIREN: Time to call in those guys who repair the buildings in Nerima. >Ash covered Brock and Misty with his body, while covering his head. CROW: ...with Butterfree. NYANKO: Well, a few sacrifices have to be made. >A yellow and black bird circled high overhead, watching. > >Yellow and black bird, SIREN: o/ ...singing in the dead of night o/ o/ Take these broken wings and learn to fly o/ o/ All your life o/ o/ You were only waiting for this moment to arise o/ CROW: How appropriate. SIREN: Yes, it's a song meant to empower the oppressed Pokémon and give them hope. NYANKO: Just keep fooling yourself, Siren. Zapdos is clearly a supporter of the human trainer status quo. MOUSE: You're right... he's Pokémon on the outside, human on the inside. >thinking: {Hmm. Nope, not a Pikachu and not powerful enough.} CROW: So why does this messenger of Zapdos and the Pokégods have to be a Pikachu? Why can't it be any Pokémon? NYANKO: Because Ash has a Pikachu. CROW: Right, right... and the world revolves around Ash. I forgot for a moment. NYANKO: I wish I could. > >Below, the humans slowly got up. Raichu was breathing hard and the whole >ceiling of the Gym had blasted outwards. MOUSE: So that instead of crushing the people inside the Gym, it just rained burning rubble on the people around it. > >Surge, grinning: "Well, I guess I wi-what the?!..." > >Pikachu was standing on its tail. It was magnetically charged from the >amount of energy that had gone through its body. CROW: Lots of paperclips and iron filings were sticking to it. >Its fur was bright and on end and its eyes were glowing with a fiery yellow >light. ALL: ... NYANKO: It's Super Saiya-jin Pikachu? MOUSE: I guess Pikachu and Ash are going to match before this is over. >Above its head, a little thundercloud floated in the air. NYANKO: Goku was there on the Kinto Cloud, and ready to kick some Pikachu ass for butting in on his schtick. > >Pikachu, concerned: "Pi? Pikachu?" 'What? What's wrong?' > >Surge, eyes wide: "Good lord, what happened to that Pikachu??!..." SIREN: Look, here we can tell, by the division of punctuation marks, that Surge is more confused than excited. > >Raichu, backing away from Pikachu: "Raichu, rai yai??! Raichu?!" 'Pikachu, >you just evolved!?! Into Redou?!' SIREN: Meanwhile, Raichu is more excited than curious. > >Pikachu: "Pi?" 'Huh?' SIREN: And, finally, Pikachu is just sort of dumb. MOUSE: Well, I guess he can't have evolved into Redou... he's still saying "Pi," not "Re." > >Pikachu looked at himself. CROW (Pikachu): Damn, I'm fine. > >Ash: "Pikachu, you're supercharged again. Somehow, something caused all of >Raichu's energy to enter into your body without harm, the speed of which >must have caused your body to slightly change into your evolved form. CROW: Slightly? We have more evolution to go? NYANKO: Well, duh... there are four-plus Super Saiya-jin levels. >(Looking at Surge levelly) Surge, do you surrender?" > >Surge, looking carefully at Pikachu: "Yeah. Okay, I surrender, kid. I guess >if anyone's the baby, its me. Here is your Thunder Badge. Guard it well." SIREN (Ash): Why? MOUSE (Surge): Oh, ninjas will try to take it from... SIREN (Ash): Blarg! MOUSE (Surge): Ooops. Too late. > >Ash, taking the badge: "I will." NYANKO (Ash): Unlike *you*. You loser. Nyah nyah. > >Surge: "Hey, um, I was hoping to talk to you, but here's not the place. Can >you come with me to my place?" CROW & MOUSE: Ooooh... NYANKO: Oh, I am *not* believing this... > >Ash: "Sure." CROW: So, Mouse, do you think Ash is naive, or just promiscuous? MOUSE: Oh, the latter. Definitely. > >Surge, nodding: "Good. I've been wanting to talk to the son of Cypress for >a while." > >They came to his house. It was fairly large. They went inside and had some >tea. SIREN: And biscuits! NYANKO: But they haven't cut his head off yet... > >Surge: "...So Pikachu has been supercharged how many times?" > >Ash: "I think once in Viridian, once in Pewter, and once here. That's three >times." SIREN: Good, Ash, you can do math! MOUSE (Ash): Yay, I'm special! > >Surge: "You do know the legend behind Redou?" CROW (Ash): Uh, yeah. Me. I'm the Legend behind Redou. > >Ash: "Yeah. Dragonight told Pikachu who told me." > >Surge: "Dragonite?" SIREN (Ash): No, Dragonieght. MOUSE (Surge): Dragoniete? SIREN (Ash): Dragonitghte! MOUSE (Surge): Dragonitte? SIREN (Ash): Dragoneightte! > >Ash: "It's a long story I might tell you some day. Anyway, Redou is a >Pokémon that serves as the Poké Gods' messenger and security chief and >Zapdos's 'butler'. NYANKO: Somehow, I don't want to know why "butler" is in quotes there. MOUSE: I could hazard a guess! >I'm not sure how many there are at a time. CROW: Three Gods for the Magmar, far beneath the sky, Five for the Pikachu, untouched by Thunder Stones, Nine for the Magikarp, who really quickly die, One for the Snorlax, who just lies around at home. In the land of Kanto, where the shadows lie. Pokégods who rule them all, Demigods that serve them Designed for author avatars, who barely have to earn them. In the land of Kanto, where the shadows lie. >Redou has a lot of cool powers CROW: Flight, telepathy, speed, immortality, knowledge, and massively increased attack power? Dude, that's not "cool"! That's the most boring, generic set of powers *ever*! >and he can beat any non-Poké God Pokémon that we've found so far." MOUSE: [ominously] However, Ash hadn't yet run into... a FARFETCH'D. > >Surge: "Yeah. All I know is that there are, at most, two Redous at a time. >Usually there's only one. NYANKO (Surge): The one Pikachu... TO RULE THEM ALL! >Of course, I learned of this after I evolved my Raichu (the first >day I got it). MOUSE: He evolved his Raichu? Hey, neat, Raichu has a more advanced form, too! SIREN: Yeah, it becomes a Raidou. >But since there are so many Pikachu, its really hard to tell which ones are >destined to be Redou. NYANKO: Just slaughter 'em all. The ones that survive are the destined ones. SIREN: Hmmph. That might work, up until the Redou fries you for being a meanie. >I think only trained ones ever do, because its something about a good >Trainer and his Pikachu. I think you are one of the very few Trainers that >ever will have a Redou, lucky kid. CROW: Well, you know how it goes. Those who can, Redou. Those who can't... MOUSE: Redon't? CROW: No, run Gyms. >You can see signs of Redou when Pikachu is supercharged. You must be a good >Trainer, even better than your father." NYANKO (Surge): And *he* managed to evolve a *Weedle* into a demigod. > >Ash, as much to himself as to Surge: "Its hard following in his footsteps. MOUSE (Ash): I mean, his tracks are long, long gone... >How do I make my own name in the world when my dad already has been the >best?" SIREN: Oh, I suggest a random name generator for that. > >Surge: "Have some really, really rare Pokémon. Like Redou, or some sort of >mythical Pokémon no one else has." CROW (Surge): Like... Poliwrath or something! I mean, seriously, you know that Poliwraths have got to exist somewhere, but who the hell uses one? > >Pikachu and Ash sweatdropped. Surge didn't know about Dragonight. Or did >he? Did Bill tell him? Was this his way of encouraging Ash? MOUSE: Or did he see the Zapdos flying overhead like ten minutes ago? > >Surge: "So, you're on your way now. Your next stop is going to be Saffron >City?" > >Brock: "Yeah." NYANKO (Brock): We're going to level the place with Earthquakes and then move on to Fuschia... I think Fuschia will burn pretty easily. SIREN: Do you have any comments that don't have death or destruction in them, Nyanko-san? > >Surge: "You guys should take a ship. How about taking these tickets and >boarding the St. Anne? Its a luxury liner." CROW (Surge): All you have to do is, when you get to Saffron, deliver this package to a friend of mine named, uh, Joe. Don't worry about finding him... he'll find you. And don't worry, there's nothing illegal about the delivery at all! Eh heh heh. > >Misty: "Really??! I've built a model of the St. Anne once! Its huge!" MOUSE (Misty): And that's just the model! > >Ash: "Are you sure you don't want them, Lieutenant Surge?" SIREN (Surge): Oh, no. I'd be glad to give them to you. Right after you listen to my two-hour time-share sales session. > >Surge: "No, I get them all the time, because the ship is owned by >Vermillion City, and I'm one of the people in charge here. I can fix it so >you can have two joined rooms, if you want." NYANKO (Surge): All it will take is one good Thunder, and boom! No more wall. MOUSE (Surge): Might not be any ceiling, either, though, if I do that... you did want a room with a skylight, right? > >Ash, puzzled: "Why would we want that?" CROW (Surge): So that you can better "enter" Misty's "room." NYANKO: ... > >They stared at each other, both confused. Then, Surge pulled Ash to the >other side of the room. SIREN: Lt. Surge *is* Mr. Fantastic! > >Surge, whispering quietly to Ash: "Isn't Misty your girlfriend?" > >Ash, blushing red, then answering quietly back: "Of course not!" MOUSE (Surge): So does that mean I can hit on you, then? > >Surge: "So she's Brock's?" > >Ash, worriedly: "I don't think so..." CROW (Surge): So she's a lesbian? > >Surge, chagrined: "Oh. I kinda thought either you are Brock had her as a >girlfriend. Why else would she follow you?" SIREN: So why does Surge think Brock is following Ash, then? MOUSE: Oh, we all *know* why Brock is following Ash... > >Ash, still blushing: "She's my guide." CROW (Ash): ...to the sweet, sweet world of adolescent lovin'. > >Surge, leading Ash back to his seat and winking at him: "Oh. Sure. Right. >I'll make it so all three rooms are joined, so you won't lose each other. >When you're on, feel free to order room service or do anything expensive >you like. SIREN (Ash): Time to browse the home shopping network! >My gift to you, Ash. Your father was a good man. CROW (Surge): And, later, a good woman. MOUSE (Surge): Yes... he was a good man. Good, but not great, if you know what I mean. I've had better men, but as men go, he was pretty good. >And a great Pokémon Trainer." CROW (Surge): And an okay sous-chef. > >Ash pulled the cap over his eyes. They were wet. All of this talk of his >father was bringing back bad memories. The others understood. Surge had had >his own father die while protecting a Raichu that was giving birth. MOUSE: So if he died protecting the Raichu, why didn't whatever killed him go on and kill the Raichu, too? NYANKO: The Nameless Horror's thirst for blood was sated then. >Giving birth to his own Raichu. SIREN: Wow, Surge's father was a time-traveller! CROW: Yeah, the inbreeding on that Raichu was probably pretty bad, though. That must be why it lost. >Misty had had both of her parents die in a car wreck in the mountains north >of Cerulean. Brock's mother had died of leukemia. NYANKO: So, in other words, everyone has troubles and Ash is just an angsty whiner. >Pikachu's entire family was killed poachers a long time ago. SIREN: I'm glad they killed those poachers! CROW: No, they *was* killed poachers. SIREN: Yes, Pikachu's family were indeed the death of poachers! CROW: Nevermind... > >Ash felt something in his lap, and on his shoulders. Surprised, he lifted >his cap. Pikachu was nestled into his lap, smiling and grinning ALL: ...and smirking and beaming and... >comfortingly at Ash. Then, to the right he saw Misty, with her hand on his >shoulder, and she was smiling warmly, even though the bad memories brought >up in this talk about parents made her own eyes slightly wet. To the right >he saw Brock, rough hand on his shoulder while smiling widely. Then, in >front was Surge, smiles in his eyes. MOUSE: Great Galaxia, they've spread from Pikachu to Misty! NYANKO: I didn't even know you *could* catch smiles in your eyes. SIREN: It sounds painful. > >Pikachu: "Pi pikachu. Pikachu." 'Don't feel bad. You have us.' NYANKO (Ash): Now I feel worse. > >Misty, echoing Pikachu: "Yeah." > >Brock and Surge, looking at Misty: "Huh?" > >Ash laughed and smiled through his drying slowly eyes. CROW: Just to give your a heads-up, Flareon: adverbs modify verbs, not nouns. MOUSE (Salesman): Slowly-Eyes! Get your Drying Slowly-Eyes today! SIREN (Salesman): And look out for our other models: Dampening Slowly-Eyes, and Widening Slowly-Eyes! >He stood up, placing Pikachu on his head. Suddenly he jumped up, bounced >off of the wall and off another, with resounding cracks. NYANKO: Those were his bones. > >Ash, hyper [couldn't you tell?]: "C'mon! What are we waiting for?! Let's >go!" > >Misty: "Yeah!" > >Brock: "Right!" MOUSE (Pikachu): If we must. > >Surge, clasping Ash's hand: "Goodbye, Ash. Put those tickets to good use! >They ain't cheap! See me after you beat the Pokémon League!" > >Ash, doing a little peace sign and winking: CROW: The flirting continues... >"I will. Later!" > >He jumped on his bike and sped towards the docks, followed by a laughing >Brock and a smiling Misty [Pikachu on the handlebars]. > >Ash: "THANKS, SURGE! I'LL TRY TO MAKE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO KNEW MY >FATHER PROUD!" MOUSE (Ash): AND I HOPE YOU LIVE A PEACEFUL YEAR UNTIL YOU'RE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE! OH WAIT, THAT WAS THE LAST CHAPTER... > >Surge, looking after him, thinking: "Yes you will, son of Cypress...you >certainly will." CROW (Surge): Yes you will, child of Krypton... I mean, Cypress. NYANKO: No, he's a son of Vegeta-sei, remember? > >Narrator: "That ends this chapter in the life of the Trainer named Ash >Ketchum. Will he and his friends actually get a break from their Journey? SIREN: Well, umm... if they're travelling, it's not really a break from their Journey, is it? MOUSE: Besides, how can they get a break from their Journey? It's just Beginning! >Find out next time." NYANKO (Narrator): On Dragonball Pi! > >James, appearing along with Jesse and Meowth, all looking pissed: "What the >H***?!?!" > >Flareon, innocently: "What?" CROW (James): These F****** asterisks, you B****! > >Meowth, angrily: "We weren't even in dis fic!!" MOUSE: We wish, Meowth, but actually, you're right there. > >Flareon, mighty hands behind his mighty head: "Yeah, so what? Consider it a >break from being trounced." NYANKO (Flareon): Take what you can get... I could be writing "Alternate Reality Story 2: What Losers Are Made Of - Part 1, The Trouncing Begins." > >Jesse, flexing her hands and moving towards him, outraged: "TROUNCED?!?! >I'll give YOU a break!!" SIREN (Jesse): o/ ...off of my Kit-Kat bar! o/ > >All three Team Rocket members moved menacingly towards him. > >Flareon, pale: "Er...end fic!" CROW: Push the button, Galaxia. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Yeah, right. CROW: Darn. > >Nothing happened. > >Puny Flareon, utterly confused: "What?!" > >Handsome And Valiant Meowth, grinning his dazzling grin: "Lookin' for >is?" SIREN (Flareon): Yes! There it is! The Cheshire Cat's smile! How did you get it? > >The puny writer gulped as he saw the keyboard in the great Meowth's mighty >hand. MOUSE: So... if Meowth has the keyboard but isn't typing on it, who's writing this section? CROW: Someone who really likes Team Rocket and doesn't like Flareon. SIREN: I think the keyboard itself just achieved sentience. > >Puny Flareon, gulping again: "Nice Meowth...good Meowth..." > >Beautiful and Talented Jessica, holding the keyboard in her delicate and >faultless hand: CROW: So if Ash is actually Ashura, and Jessie is actually Jessica... is James' name really Jamesia? NYANKO: I wouldn't be surprised. >"Now, we'll give this back to you, if, AND ONLY IF, you follow through with >the following two demands..." MOUSE (Jessie): One: free donuts. Two: no bedtime. > >Macho and Cool James, taking his rightful turn at the console, and speaking >macho-ly, with his macho and more macho voice: SIREN: o/ You can best believe that, he's a macho man o/ o/ ready to get down with, anyone he can o/ >"...First off, we want to succeed in capturing a lot of Pokémon..." CROW (Ash): [taking notes] Steal cache of Pidgeys and Ratattas. Check. > >Handsome and Valiant Meowth, taking the keyboard back from the pitiful >human: "...And second, we want to get them from the twerp!" CROW (Ash): [taking notes] Steal Pidgeys and Ratattas from *Bill*. Check. > >Meek Flareon, licking his lips nervously: "I'll...see what I can do..." > >Handsome and Valiant Meowth, in his mighty voice: "Swear that you'll do it, >or you'll never see this keyboard again!!" NYANKO (Meowth): Because I'll claw your eyes out! > >Nincompoop Flareon, waving his puny hands: "All right, all right! 'I, >Flareon, hereby declare to the people of FanFiction.net that Jessica, >James, and Meowth from Team Rocket shall capture dozens of Pokémon in the >next fic from the 'twerp', MOUSE (Flareon): Then they'll find out that the "Twerp" is actually one of Giovanni's code names... >get to keep some of 'em, and get raises in my next uploaded fanfiction >episode!'" SIREN: He pays his characters? CROW: Probably minimum wage. No way are these guys union workers. > >Handsome and Valiant Meowth, handing the puny keyboard back to the puny >author: NYANKO: Meowth uses only MANLY keyboards! >"Dat's bettah!" MOUSE (Meowth): "Let's get in owah cah and go get some clam chowdah ovah heah!" > >Flareon, breathing a mighty breath: CROW: Flareon is *full* of hot air. >"End fic already!" > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SIREN: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><>>>> > >Welp, I'm back. NYANKO (Flareon): From the DEAD. For VENGEANCE. >With Pokémon, this time. Still writing my 'War Between Hearts', fic, or >'WBH', so those who care will be glad to know that. SIREN: I care! MOUSE: You do? SIREN: Of course! You know, in a universal, Care Bears sort of way. >Hey, I'm gonna start a new poll, right now, that will be in every fic. Here >it is: "How many people reading this right now care about whether Ash and >Misty might kiss in the third or fourth movie?" Answer as soon as you end >reading the next paragraph and my name. SIREN: Sure! We can do that! NYANKO: Oh, for Galaxia's sake... > >Next fic is the St. Anne! Hello, hello, not too different. Misty watches >her favorite movie, NYANKO: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." >James foolishly get Magikarp, CROW: They do? I wonder how many James that is? SIREN: Well, with James, you never know. MOUSE: Just what is a Jame, anyway? >Team Rocket gets what they so rightfully deserve [and its not a kick in the >a**...(see five paragraphs above this one)], SIREN: [confused] They get a keyboard? >and Ash and Misty go swimming together! Think something might happen? I >don't. Not really. Maybe Ash might get uncomfortable, MOUSE (Flareon): ...he might suddenly discover his swimming trunks are too small... >or Misty, CROW: Yeah, I suppose Ash getting Misty is a possibility. >but what's wrong with a tiny bit of love to spice up a fic? ; P NYANKO: EVERYTHING IS WRONG! > >{:>FLAREON>:} SIREN: Alright, let's start answering the fun question! MOUSE: Okay. I care whether Ash and Misty kiss in the third or fourth Pokémon movies. It'll probably lead to Misty pulling out her oagam, which is something I want to see more of. It amuses me, chuu! SIREN: I care whether Ash and Misty kiss in the third or fourth Pokémon movies, because I think Ash is oblivious to Misty's desire for him. He needs to stop stringing her along and tell her that his only loves are his Pokémon. CROW: I sort of agree with you, Siren... Misty needs to discover the depths of Ash's depravity and escape him and his sordid little affairs. It's amusing to make fun of, but really, it's not healthy for her to be involved in his loose, degenerate life. NYANKO: I think you people are sick. Sick, sick, sick. And Flareon, too... I mean, Goldeen puncturing Ash's butt with it's horn? That's just wrong, man. GALAXIA'S VOICE: The author claims that wasn't his intent; he was thirteen at the time, after all. NYANKO: See, that's what all this exposure to bad fanfiction will lead to... the corrupting of our youth at an early age! MOUSE: So why do you care about human youths? NYANKO: I care if they all start churning out crap like this! CROW: Yeah, yeah, we've answered the stupid question, so let's get out of here. ----- [The ANIMAMATES scurry back on to the bridge.] GALAXIA: So? How was it? MOUSE: Man, I think these are getting more and more annoying the more we... CROW & NYANKO: NO!!! [CROW and NYANKO throw themselves on top of IRON MOUSE, cutting off her complaint. MOUSE'S arm twiches slightly from beneath the dogpile. SIREN still stands serenely.] CROW: [lying under NYANKO] What she meant to say, Galaxia, is that we're starting to get pretty fond of this fanfic. We hope you send us more so we can see how the story goes. GALAXIA: [suspicious] Really? Are you sure you aren't just trying reverse psychology on me? NYANKO: [lying on top of CROW] No way, Galaxia. We're sure. We really like this stuff. GALAXIA: Oh? So what do you like about it? NYANKO: ... GALAXIA: Well? NYANKO: We like the... uh... SIREN: [prompting] Punctuation. NYANKO: Yeah. That's right. There's some *damn* good punctuation in there. GALAXIA: [nodding] Ah. I see. I couldn't really say, as I don't have a good handle on English punctuation, myself. NYANKO: Yep. Yep, punctuation, alright. So send more our way. Please. GALAXIA: Well... I *could* use some more time to find other fanfiction options... [CROW and NYANKO glance uneasily at each other. MOUSE still twitches from underneath them. SIREN still stands serenely.] GALAXIA: [snapping her fingers] Alright! I'll give you all one more chapter of WLAMO next time! CROW: [miserably] Oh, Galaxia... you really... shouldn't. GALAXIA: [graciously] No, no, my minions... I suppose a bit of respite is in order. Let it never be said that I, Sailor Galaxia, never did anything nice for my hapless thralls. NYANKO: [grinding her teeth] You're *too* kind, Galaxia. GALAXIA: Indeed. Now, if there's no other business, you may all consider yourself banished. [Phone booths manifest around the ANIMAMATES, close, and teleport away.] GALAXIA: [satisfied] Well, that's my good deed for the millenium. [The scene fades out.] ----- >Ash remembered his poor, poor butt, after Goldeen had punctured it with its >horn. It still ached. ----- Release 1.1: website link added for release on Everything What is Crap September 21, 2005