MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 4: What Legends Are Made Of, Chapter 15 Original fanfic by Flareon With permission of the author. Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And spoilers for the Pokémon anime, if anyone cares. ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And amuses herself punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (Pikachu has nothing on me!) Nyanko (Not declawed) Siren (Hello there!) Croooow (Ground beats Electric) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (la la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single direction, at an indeterminable speed. The ANIMAMATES are inside them. They are still transformed. None of them are really doing anything of interest. In fact, they look pretty bored.] ALL: ... SIREN: [primly] I have a declaration to make. NYANKO: [not looking up] What? SIREN: For a long time, now, everyone has been calling me by an incorrect name. I didn't want to be difficult, but it's high time I stopped ignoring the insult to my dignity and set matters straight. MOUSE: Uh... okay. SIREN: From now on, I'm not going to respond to "Sailor Aluminum Siren," only to my correct name. I know... "Sailor Aluminum Siren" is easier for you to say, but I want to be true to my Mermaidian heritage and use the name my mother, bless her darkened soul in Galaxia-sama's collection, gave me. CROW: So what's your actual name? SIREN: [oblivious] Sometimes you just have to take a stand and decide who you are, instead of giving in to the common pressure to conform to society and it's expectations. Your name is a part of your... NYANKO: Alright already! What's your freaking name? SIREN: "Sailor Aluminum Seiren." ALL: ... [NYANKO bangs her head against the side of her phone booth.] MOUSE: Uh... Siren... SIREN: "Seiren." MOUSE: Right. Seiren. ...What's the difference? SIREN: There's a world of difference! CROW: Uh, no, Siren, there really isn't. "Seiren" is Greek for "Siren." It's basically the same word. [SIREN pointedly does not respond.] CROW: [sigh] *Seiren*, the word "Seiren" is the Greek word that "Siren" is directly derived from. SIREN: Oh, I know. CROW: So why do you care? SIREN: Because "Seiren" is the correct language! You wouldn't call Nyanko here "Kitty" just because that's what the word means, would you? NYANKO: Well, you would if you wanted me to disembowel you painfully with my bare hands. SIREN: See what I mean? Besides, Greek words are part of my Mermaidian heritage. CROW: But the other two words in your name are in English. SIREN: ... CROW: Well? SIREN: ...English words are also part of my Mermaidian heritage. CROW: Then why not just leave "Siren" in English? SIREN: ...I don't have to argue semantics with you foreigners who don't understand the great subtleties of the Mermaidian culture! CROW: What*ever*. [Suddenly, the phone booths reappear on the bridge of Galaxia's Satellite. GALAXIA is, as usual, not personally present, but is displayed on a large, prominent viewing screen. She seems to be engaged in discussion with the androgynous SAILOR STAR MAKER, who is being displayed on another viewing screen.] GALAXIA: ...and, in addition, you get access to my patended golden Galaxia Bracers. You can even use them outside of your working hours, if you want. MAKER: And what were those working hours, again? GALAXIA: Uhh, twenty-four/seven. MAKER: Hmmm. GALAXIA: Oh, it's not as bad as it sounds. There's a lot of downtime between stealing souls and battling my enemies to the death. MAKER: So, do we have to pay for the cost of those bracers out of our initial salary...? GALAXIA: No, no. Think of it as a perk of the job. Of course, if you break them, you have to pay for 'em. MAKER: I see. And how's your health insurance? Do you cover dental? GALAXIA: Well, not as such. But if you die, I might ressurect you if it suits my whims. MAKER: How about retirement options? GALAXIA: [promptly] None. MAKER: Hmmm. GALAXIA: But since you'll be immortal under the rule of my glorious dictatorship, I prefer to think of it as a secure career path. NYANKO: [cutting in] Hey, there's retirement possibilities. You could receive a dishonorable discharge and be killed. Then, if you're lucky, you might be revived and tortured CEASELESSLY by your evil, SADISTIC employer. [GALAXIA finally notices the ANIMAMATES, but keeps a smile plastered on her face for appearances' sake. STAR MAKER doesn't seem to really react.] MAKER: Well, I'll consider your offer and get back to you. Thanks for your time. [STAR MAKER dissapears from the screen. GALAXIA turns angrily to NYANKO.] GALAXIA: Curse you for sabatoging my sales pitch! Do you know how hard it is to get good help these days? NYANKO: Oh, yeah, I'll bet I totally ruined it for you. I could see that you were *just* on the verge of convincing her. MOUSE: "Her"? Are you sure? I was never really clear on those guys' genders. CROW: Eh, who cares? I think those Kinmoku people reproduce by spores or something. SIREN: So, Galaxia-sama, do you have a shortage of minions? GALAXIA: Oh, not *really*. It's just that... well, Sailor Batoles and some of the others are alright. They get the job done well enough. But Sailors Phi, Chi, and Theta just don't work well without direct supervision. They get all antsy and start trying to find excuses to stab each other in the back. Then there's Sailor Heavy Metal Papillon, who simply doesn't have the right attitude for this kind of work. I mean, she does samba dancing in her spare time. Who heard of a ruthless intergalactic warrior who samba dances? And frankly, Sailor Titanium Kerroko is just dumb. In short, I could really use some new blood among my minions. SIREN: Well, Galaxia-sama, I'm sure that if you're looking for a few good women, you should be able to dig up a person or four who would be *glad* to work in that field. And I'll bet they already have lots of great job experience. GALAXIA: [absently] Thanks, Siren. SIREN: "Seiren." CROW: So why did you summon us if you were in the middle of recruiting? GALAXIA: Huh? Oh, I set the phone booth timers on automatic. It wouldn't do to have you people go too long without stimulation. NYANKO: [sarcastic] Well, I guess you could put a hamster wheel or something in the void. GALAXIA: I could. But I'm showing you all the next chapter of WLAMO as a favor, remember? That will be your pleasant diversion. MOUSE: Could we have the hamster wheel, instead? GALAXIA: Of course not! But make sure you enjoy this chapter... it's the last chapter of WLAMO that I'll be showing to you. CROW: Thank Galax... uh, you. GALAXIA: No problem. Don't worry, I'm using the time to find much more... interesting fanfiction for you all. SIREN: [curiously] Interesting how? GALAXIA: Interesting like, not the ongoing chronicles of a boy and his electric rat. Now get going, I don't have all day to spend talking with you moronic misfits. Planets to conquer, paperwork to fill out, you know. NYANKO: Yeah, yeah... [The ANIMAMATES proceed through the double doors.] ----- [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] MOUSE: C'mon, guys, this is the home stretch! SIREN: Aww. I'm going to really miss all the cute Pokémon when this is over. >ALTERNATE REALITY STORY 1 - WHAT LEGENDS ARE MADE OF CROW: Words, actions, pens, and swords... and the mysterious CHEMICAL X. > >SAGA 1: THE LEGEND BEGINS > >(c) Copyright 2001 by Flareon > >DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon. I wish I did, but I do not. MOUSE: Too cheap to buy the merchandise, eh, Flareon? CROW: I own Pokémon Red. > >I just write these fanfiction. NYANKO (Flareon): It's all I ever do! My fans locked me in this dungeon and I have to write during my every waking hour... I survive only on what Rattatas I manage to catch! Help me! > >{These things} - Means thought or psychic communication. > >'Apostrophes' - Means Pokémon language deciphered into human language. SIREN: English: The Human Language. > >[Brackets] - Means author notes. > > - Means change of scene. > >Narrator: "Last time, Ash faced off against Lieutenant Surge, the Gym >Leader of the Vermillion Gym. Ash scored a blackout victory, as he won >again and again against all of Surge's Pokémon. With a new Thunder Badge CROW: To replace his old one, which ran out of batteries. >and tickets to a luxury cruiser, they are headed for the docks with sky- >high spirits, where the St. Anne will take them to Saffron City." > >Meowth's voice: "Episode 15: Team Rocket Take From The Twerp!" SIREN: Hmmph. Team Rocket's like a sponge. They take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. NYANKO: Whatever, Siren. > >Ash, Misty, and Brock: "Woah..." > >It was the biggest ship they had ever seen. If they knew what the Titanic >looked like, they would find the St. Anne much the same. NYANKO: How encouraging. SIREN (Ash): I'm the king of the world! >They walked onto the loading deck, where two women in bikinis stood >waiting. > >First lady: "Hello there! May I see your tickets?" SIREN: Gee, that's an interesting uniform for ticket ladies. MOUSE: No, no. Those aren't actually the ticket ladies... they're the room service ladies. NYANKO: ... > >Ash, searching his pocket: "Uh, here they are." CROW (Ash): Oh, wait! That, uh, isn't a ticket. Eh heh. > >Second lady, in a muffled voice: "Ooh, first class! SIREN (Lady): o/ The minute you walked in the joint, o/ o/ I could see you were a man of distinction, o/ o/ A real big spender! o/ >Right this way." > >The two ladies took them through the amazingly big ship. MOUSE: Uh, don't they have to, you know, stick around so they can check other people's tickets? CROW: Nah, the SS Anne isn't doing so well. Ash and company are the only ones taking the ship. >Ash, Misty, and Brock saw swimming pools, video arcades, restaurants, >Pokémon arenas, and a Grand Hall. Then they came to their rooms. SIREN (Lady): As you can see, your rooms are expansive and spacious! MOUSE (Ash): ...this is the cargo hold. >All three were joined by doors in the cabins. But the rooms themselves were >huge and elaborately decorated with fine rugs and ornamental tables, CROW: Ornamental tables? What, they aren't actually functional tables? >and a huge bed. SIREN: Large enough for Ash to sleep on them with *all* his Pokémon. NYANKO: ... >On one wall of each room, there was a huge TV and every video game system >attached. NYANKO (Ash): Wow! There's an Intellivision, an Odyssey2, and an Atari 2600! This place has it *all*! CROW: You can tell a thirteen year-old author designed this ship. > >First lady: "You may call for room service anytime you like. >You may order any video game, food, cards, or such. NYANKO (Ash): Oh really? I'll have some lightly smoked Articuno meat, please, a copy of Greed Island, and a few mint Black Lotuses. >Just call this number and tell them what you want." MOUSE (Lady): They'll laugh at you, free of charge. > >The trio was speechless as the lady handed Ash a number. SIREN (Brock): Uh... do we also get room ser...? NYANKO (Lady): NO NUMBER FOR YOU! >The two left. > >Ash, finding his voice: "This is going to be one of the best days I'll ever >have..." CROW (Ash): Today I will become a man. > >Misty, nodding: "You said it." > >Brock, eyes glimmering with anticipation: "Let's go do some stuff." MOUSE (Ash): Oooh, *stuff*! Sounds exciting! > >Ash, his own eyes getting that look they get when he's eager to battle: >"Yeah! I wanna see if there is anyone worth battling." NYANKO: There's that Saiya-jin heredity kicking in. I'm still waiting for him to clear the world of intelligent life. > >Misty, punching Ash in the shoulder playfully: "Can't you ever take your >mind off of Pokémon?" > >Ash, thinking as he looked at her: {Yes.} SIREN (Ash): Sometimes I think about the inconsistent verb tenses. > >Ash, aloud: "No." > >Misty, smirking: "Too bad. We're going to the pool." > >Ash: "We? Why do I have to come?" SIREN (Misty): Your bloated ego will serve as my flotation device! > >Misty: "So I can make sure you don't go get into a Pokémon battle. Your >Pokémon need rest too." CROW (Ash): Not with Pokémon Centers, they don't! Heh heh heh... > >Ash, defeated: "Yeah, I guess you're right. Let's go." > >Brock: "Actually, I'm going to see if there's a Breeding Center. MOUSE: Why bother? Just call "room service." >Meet you guys back here?" > >Ash: "Okay. In 2 hours." > >Brock: "Got it." SIREN (Brock): We'll do lunch some time. I'll have my people call your people. > >Brock left. Misty opens the door to her room. > >Misty: "Let's get settled. MOUSE (Misty): Give me that ten bucks you owe me. >I'll be out in ten minutes." > >Ash: "Okay." > >They put their stuff away and Ash got out his swimming trunks... > >****** CROW: Man, what with the trailing off and the scene break, Ash getting out his swimming trunks sounds downright ominous. > >The two ladies were in a room on the St. Anne, talking into a computer. NYANKO (Ladies): Stupid freaking machine! Blue screen THIS, you bastard! > >First lady: "Boss, everyone is onboard." > >Computer voice, altered so it isn't recognizable: "Good. I want you two >especially to make sure this plan succeeds. I'll forget the mess-ups you've >made and I'll give you a raise if this project is successful." GALAXIA'S VOICE: Bah. This guy will never get anywhere if he continues to reward incompetent minions for token victories. > >First and second lady, bowing their heads: "Thank you, sir." > >Computer voice: "Don't mess this one up. End transmission." > >First lady: "Well, we're in charge." SIREN (Lady): Of the snack cart! > >Second lady, giggling: "Don't you think I make just the perfect girl?" > >First lady, hitting the second with a fan: "Shut up, James." NYANKO: Wait a second, that was James? How the hell did they hide his gender? He was wearing a freaking *bikini top*! MOUSE: Good point. And wasn't he wearing a bikini bottom, too? How did they hide his, uh, masculine equipment? CROW: I think he had an inflatable bra. And, disturbingly enough, I think the bottom thing is possible, too. > >Jesse and James pulled off their disguises. CROW: This brings a whole new twist to the "room service". MOUSE: I always knew that Jesse wanted to get into Ash's room at night. >Meowth entered. > >Meowth, quietly: "What's the word?" SIREN (Meowth): o/ Hummingbird? o/ > >Jesse, quickly: MOUSE (Jesse): "The catapult fires at midmorning sharp." NYANKO (Meowth): Well, that's the right code phrase. I guess you aren't a Doppleganger after all. >"We're in charge, and if we succeed we get a raise and he forgets >about the Pikachu problem we have." SIREN (Meowth): What Pikachu problem? We don't even *have* a Pikachu! Oh... wait a minute... > >Meowth, rubbing his paws together: "Good." > >James: "Hey, Jesse, do you have any idea why the Boss was stroking that >Persian? I thought Meowth was the top cat of Team Rocket." SIREN: I guess with Meowth gone, Giovanni needs someone else "in his lap" to stroke. NYANKO: ...for Galaxia's sake, stop talking! > >Jesse, trying to hide a smirk: "I guess he isn't anymore." > >Meowth: "WHAT?!! A PERSIAN TOOK MY PLACE?!! WE GOTTA SUCCEED, GUYS!!" CROW (Meowth): MAKING AN EVOLVED FORM OF A POKÉMON MORE SUCESSFUL THAN AN UNEVOLVED FORM COULD SET A VERY DANGEROUS PRECENDENT!! SIREN: Yeah, that's just not the way things work in this fanfic! > >Jesse, impatient: "Don't worry, we will. You'll be top cat again." MOUSE (Jesse): Or my name isn't Lady Number One! > >They started going over the plan and rehearsing it. CROW (Jesse): Okay, the first part of the plan is... "Don't be stupid." NYANKO (James): *Don't* be stupid? I don't quite get it. > >****** > >Ash: "WAAH-HOO!" > >Ash was jumping off a really high dive, twisting and turning his body in >the air. When he neared the water, he tightened his body into a ball. SIREN: *This* is what Ash would do for a Klondike Bar. >His cannonball made water splash all over Misty, who was trying to dry off. >That, of course, was his aim. CROW: How cunning and devious. > >Misty: "ASH!" ALL: [sitcom laugh track laugh] > >Ash, resurfacing: "Oops. Sorry." > >Misty sighed and started drying off again. Ash had to tear his eyes from >that MOUSE (Ash): Must... resist... my fascination... with evaporation... >and start swimming around the pool. The people of the St. Anne had given >them their own to use. ALL: ...? CROW: This is beyond First Class. It's, like, Zeroth Class. >Ash and Misty had been swimming and playing in the water for an hour. Misty >wanted to sunbathe a while, SIREN: Uh... aren't they indoors? NYANKO: Please tell me they don't have a swimming pool on the *deck* all to their selves. >but she kept getting wet. Pikachu was in too, with Ash, but he was >training, not playing. He was training himself to be a good swimmer. MOUSE: Why, pretty soon, he might start Surfing! >At first he had been wary because he had been supercharged a few hours ago, >but it had worn off with his constant moving around on the ground. NYANKO: Yeah, he made sure to scuffle his feet on the carpet real well before he got in, so he was sure it was safe. > >Ash and Misty had left when they were ready. Ash had on his black swim >trunks, and Misty had on a slinky red bathing suit with blue bubbles >splashed across it, just like the design on her sleeping bag. MOUSE: ...she has a matching swimming suit and *sleeping bag*? Why? NYANKO: Camouflage. The better to ambush and kill Ash with. >At first, Ash had blushed and averted his eyes, and he still hadn't gotten >used to it. SIREN (Ash): I would feel much better if she would just wear swimming trunks, like me. >As they passed through the ship, more than a few envious/jealous glances >had been passed to both Ash and Misty, and both had blushed, saying >nothing. MOUSE (Random man): I wish I had a thirteen year-old male boyfriend. CROW (Random woman): I wish I had black swimming trunks. > >It had turned out that Ash and Misty were almost equal swimmers, Misty >being slightly better. She had grown up swimming, and it came naturally as >she watched her sisters and swam in a pool every day, taught by them, >expert swimmers. SIREN: Ash, however, was Ash. NYANKO: Which pretty much puts him on equal footing. >Ash had grown up with lessons hard learned, and he didn't swim every day, >but he swam more on the days he did, and got his own expert instruction. MOUSE: From who? SIREN: His mom's Mr. Mime? >Misty was better at diving and had more grace, but it evened out because >Ash was faster on regular swimming, such as the Front Crawl, Breaststroke, >etc. MOUSE: Oh, I'm sure he's very good at the breaststroke. CROW: He and Misty probably practice it a lot. NYANKO: I'm going to pretend that those comments were intended to be entirely innocent. > >Pikachu, psychically and playfully to Ash: {Ash, looking at Misty drying >off again?} > >Ash swam deep under the pool so no one could see his blush. NYANKO: Except Jaws. And in the water, no one can hear you scream... > >Ash, psychically to Pikachu: {Shut up. I'm not trying.} MOUSE (Ash): Blushing, like everything else, comes naturally to me, for I am perfect. > >Pikachu sent a psychic chuckle. He had learned how to do sounds and not >words in his communication. SIREN (Pikachu): The next step... emoticons. >:) >Ash went over and watched how Pikachu was doing. NYANKO (Ash): Still doing fine? Damn! Guess I'll have to kill him myself... > >Ash: "That's really good, Pikachu. But you still need work on your >Breaststroke. Let me show you." CROW (Pikachu): Oh, *please* do... > >Ash showed Pikachu a pretty good Breaststroke, and Pikachu got better. SIREN: Umm, the dynamics of the breaststroke are probably different when you have paws like Pikachu's. You know, with no elbows? > >Misty, calling to Ash: "Hey, Ash! Why don't you let out some Pokémon so >they can swim or whatever." > >Ash: "Good idea!" MOUSE: Whatever is always a good idea. > >Misty had already sent all of hers, and they were in the pool. Luckily, the >pool didn't have chlorine [is that possible?]. SIREN: Possible? Yes. Now, is it *sanitary*? No. >Misty had been specific about that part. CROW: She specified that they fill up their exclusive, on-deck swimming pool with unchlorinated water? Okay, I take it back. This isn't Zeroth Class. This is Negative First Class. >Ash checked his Pokéballs. CROW (Ash): Yep, still there. >Charmander was asleep, but everyone else was just resting. NYANKO (Ash): They're pining for the fields! >He let them loose. > >Ash: "Go! Charmander, Butterfree, Wartortle, Krabby, and Seel!" MOUSE (Ash): And Joe! > >They appeared and looked at their Trainer expectantly (except for >Charmander, who was lying in the sun, asleep). ALL (Pokémon): FEED US. > >Ash, smiling: "Go on! Swim, have fun!" SIREN (Ash): Fly, be free! > >The Water Pokémon looked at each other and then dived into the pool as one. MOUSE (Pokémon): It's our chance to escape! >Butterfree went to rest on Charmander's back. Misty walked up. > >Misty, cooing: "That's so cute! SIREN (Misty): I never thought that Charmander and Butterfree would get together! >Go, Charmander!" > >Her Charmander appeared. She was asleep too. CROW: Wow, I guess the process of being converted to and back from energy is surprisingly peaceful and undisruptive. NYANKO: That, or they black out from the pain. >Misty set her beside Ash's Charmander. > >Misty: "I didn't know what to do with Charmander, so I didn't bring her >out. CROW (Misty): Also, for some reason, I sort of had the vague idea that putting her in the pool with my other Pokémon would be a bad idea. >She didn't feel well when I checked on her this morning. But fresh air >should do her some good, and when she wakes she'll have company." MOUSE: Aren't there, like, a crazy lot of Pokémon facilities on the ship? Why doesn't she just take Charmander to a nurse? > >Ash nodded his assent, saying nothing. The two Charmanders really did go >well together. Misty's Charmander instantly felt the heat of Ash's and >curled up closer. NYANKO: And accidently set Butterfree on fire. >Ash almost couldn't stand it. Trying to get his mind off the emotions >battling each other in his head, MOUSE: The battle between lust, longing, and desire. >he jumped up and ran up the stars to the high dive. SIREN: Aww, poor Ash, trying to escape his jealousy. I guess he was really hot for his Charmander, too. >Then he jumped off, and landed with moderate splash in the water. Misty did >too, only she landed on Gyadados's back. NYANKO: So in her case, the moderate spash was of blood, as Misty's leg broke on the solid, heavy back of the sea serpent... >Ash surfaced. > >Ash, shaking his head in wonder: "I still can't believe you actually caught >that thing and it obeys you." > >Misty, hugging her Pokémon: "Gyarados is sweet! Its the most dependable >Pokémon there is, once you train it." CROW: Hey, you can depend on Psyduck to be utterly useless! > >Ash, slowly: "That makes me wish I had one. Maybe in place of that >Mankey..." CROW (Ash): Because they obviously fulfil similar roles, and all. > >Ash looked away, towards the horizon. Misty and Pikachu could tell >something was wrong. MOUSE (Misty): His aura of perfection... it's slightly reduced... > >Pikachu, concerned: "Pikachu?" 'Are you okay?' > >Misty, also concerned: "Are you sick?" MOUSE (Ash): You better believe it! Did I ever tell you about me and my Goldeen...? > >Ash, laughing weakly: "No, I'm not sick. But I never expected any of my >Pokémon to disobey me like Mankey does. NYANKO: You mean somebody hates Ash? No! CROW: Yeah, I don't know how Mankey could dislike someone so lovable. >Well, I never did when Pikachu was disobedient either." > >Pikachu, ears drooping: "Pikachu, pika pi. Pikachu pika." 'I'm sorry about >that, Ash. I was young and stupid.' MOUSE (Pikachu): And I thought that it was desirable to be in charge of one's own destiny. Now I know better. SIREN: These complaints about disobedience wouldn't be so disturbing if the Pokémon weren't sentient, fully intelligent creatures. > >A voice: "Hey, young man? I was wondering if you knew any Trainers around >these parts who might be willing to battle with me." CROW (Ash): Gee, man, I don't know. Most trainers don't really like to get into fights themselves... but are you talking unarmed, swords, what? > >Ash turned around. A tall man in classical clothing was addressing him. MOUSE: "Classical clothing." How, uh, vague. SIREN: Well, I guess that means we get to imagine what he's wearing! MOUSE: Okay. I'll say that this guy is wearing... one of those old-style dresses with the tight corsets and the puffy, multi-layered skirts. SIREN: [clapping] Good choice. Very classic. > >Ash, scratching his head: "I really don't know anyone on this ship." NYANKO (Ash): For some reason, the ship personnel have gone to great pains to give me separate facilities from everyone else... something about "exciting hatred and rage in the other customers." I don't really know what they were talking about. > >Man, gesturing to the pool: "Are these yours then?" > >Ash: "Half of them are." CROW (Ash): The other half are yours, if you can get me a date with that hot Lady Two. > >Man: "Why don't you and I battle, then?" > >Ash, looking at Misty, battling with his longing to be at peace with Misty >and his thirst for battle: MOUSE: Let's battle and see how many times we can battle or say battle in a short time. Battle. >"Well, I wanted my Pokémon to have a rest..." > >Man, nodding: "Oh, I see. Are you sure none of them would like to battle my >undefeated Raticate?" NYANKO (Ash): Hmm, let me check. Hey! Anyone want to be crushed severely by a vicious giant rat with large, sharp teeth, who's never been beaten? MOUSE (Wartortle): Oooh! Oooh! Me! SIREN (Seel): Yaaay! I want to! CROW (Krabby): I just *love* being gnawed on by giant rats! > >Butterfree's antennae perked up, and it looked at the man. > >Butterfree, looking interested: "Free, free?" 'Undefeated, old chap?' MOUSE: Huh? SIREN: Oh, right... Butterfree has an English accent. NYANKO: ...great. Kill me now. SIREN: Oh, Nyanko-san. At least it's not Damien, raght? > >Ash, a tiny bit surprised: "Butterfree, you want to battle?" MOUSE: Battle. > >Butterfree, winking at him: "Butterfree, butterfree free." 'Well old bean, >I guess it really depends on if what the chap says is true, now doesn't >it?' NYANKO: Yeah, if what the old man is saying *is* true, there's no way in hell Butterfree would want to go up against that Ratatta. > >Ash, turning to the man: "Mister, my Butterfree would like to know if you >can prove that Raticate is undefeated." > >Man, cheerfully: "Sure! Step this way to the Pokémon Computer Lab." CROW (Ash): No, don't bother. I have a Pokémon Computer Lab exclusively to myself on this ship. > >Ash, turning back to Misty and Pikachu: "Watch over my Pokémon for me, >Misty! Here, Butterfree!" > >Butterfree fluttered over and perched on Ash's shoulder. > >Man: "That's a well-trained Butterfree, young man." SIREN: Yes, Mr. Man. The Butterfree, who just exhibited enough intelligence to question the legitimacy of your Pokémon's win record, is *trained*. Of course he is. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Oh, will you all come off it, already? SIREN: Galaxia-sama, these Pokémon are a fully sentient race! It would be one thing if they were *actively* oppressed and enslaved, but nobody even seems to *notice* that Pokémon are their intellectual equals! GALAXIA'S VOICE: I admit it is sort of odd... hmmm... > >Ash, thinking of when he was training Butterfree in the Viridian Forest >extensively with Samurai: MOUSE (Ash): Ah, Samurai. Now that guy could wield a sword. NYANKO: ... >"Thank you." > >Man: "Come along." > >They came to a white room with many computers. SIREN: And padded walls? > >Man, gesturing to one of the machines: "This computer tracks all battles by >each Trainer. MOUSE: Er, who imputs the data? CROW: The Pokémon League's team of highly trained Ninja spies. >(Leading Ash over it and pointing to a screen after typing on the keyboard >for a second) As you can see, my Raticate is undefeated." NYANKO (Ash): I also see that your Raticate has never been in a battle. SIREN (Man): A minor point. > >Ash, looking at the screen: "Wow...I wonder if it tracks me too." > >Man, looking a bit proud: "Of course it does, son. Enter your name." MOUSE (Ash): [typing] LANCE. SIREN (Man): O_O > >Ash entered his name and a whole file on him opened up. > >Man, looking down at the words closely: "Now let's see heyah...' CROW: Hey! NYANKO: Ah? >Ash Ketchum, 13 year-old Pokémon Trainer. Highest mention from the esteemed >Professor Oak. You started your Journey over three months ago, and have >caught an average of a different kind of Pokémon every six days. NYANKO (Man): Interestingly, though, the current status on most of those Pokémon is listed as "consumed." SIREN: Hey! >The only Pokémon of yours that has ever been defeated is your Pikachu, when >it faced an Onix in the Pewter City Gym by Brock Slate.' Well, that's a >mighty fine record. Does your Butterfree consent to a battle now?" > >Butterfree, fire in its eyes: SIREN: o/ With eyes on fire glowing like coals in the night o/ o/ Hungry eyes burning with love and desire o/ NYANKO: ... >"Butterfree free, butter!" 'On with the jolly good battle, I say, wot, >wot!' NYANKO: AAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrggh! > >Ash, turning from Butterfree, and smiling: "Let's battle!" MOUSE: Battle. > >They went back to the pool, which cleared out. On one side was Ash and >Butterfree and on the other was the man and his Raticate. SIREN: "A Man and His Raticate." The feel-good movie of the year. > >Man, fingering a Pokéball: "One-on-one match. First Pokémon to faint >loses." CROW (Ash): Nah, let's play so the first Pokémon to faint *wins*. > >Ash: "This is our battle scene. The Pokémon can swim underwater or climb >the high dive." MOUSE (Man): Can they just stay on the ground? NYANKO (Ash): No. > >Misty, acting as referee: "And...go!" > >Ash: "Butterfree, combination Harden/Tackle attack!" CROW (Narrator): The deadly Harden/Tackle combination makes the Pokémon very confused about whether it's supposed to be attacking or defending. Then they get beaten up by the opponent and cry like a little girl. > >Man, simultaneously: "Raticate, High Jump Kick attack!" > >Butterfree seemed to gain armor as it slammed into Raticate, knocking it >into the pool. NYANKO: Where it drowned. Like a rat. >At the same time, Raticate kicked Butterfree away, but the armor just came >off, leaving Butterfree dazed but unharmed. > >Man, gasping: "I didn't know you could do that! What the heck is this >'combination' stuff??" MOUSE (Ash): It's like a normal attack, but it comes with fries and a drink! > >Ash, nodding sympathetically: "Not many people know. CROW (Ash): ...that I can make up whatever the *hell* I want. >Butterfree, Confusion, now!" SIREN (Butterfree): Don't worry, I'm confused already! > >Butterfree, deeply into the fight: "Free!" 'Jolly good!' NYANKO: [darkly] I'll "free" Butterfree from all it's earthly bonds. MOUSE: Jolly good. > >Butterfree flashed and Raticate was lifted out of the water, very high. >Then it flew downwards, faster than it would normally fall, and hit the >water, making a large, painful smack. Raticate surfaced and warily climbed >out of the pool. Then it collapsed. NYANKO: Hey, that rat is just playing dead so it doesn't get smacked around any more! SIREN: See, Pokémon are smart. > >Ash, cheering: "Victory for Ketchum!" CROW: He still loses in spirit, though, because his last name is "Ketchum." > >Butterfree: "Free, free free!" 'I did it, yes I did, wot wot!" MOUSE: Hmmph. I don't want the result of this match getting back to Sailor Heavy Metal Papillon. > >Man, looking stunned: "Raticate! Return." > >Raticate disappeared. The man left without a word. Ash hugged Butterfree >tightly. NYANKO: Crushing his fragile, lightweight skeleton. > >Butterfree, blinking its large red eyes at Ash, looking a little winded: >"Free, free!" 'Steady on, steady on!" > >Ash, a bit embarrassed, and let Butterfree go, as Misty giggled. Butterfree >quickly flew back over to perch on Charmander, mindful of the tailflame. He >stretched and walked over to Misty. MOUSE: Who? Charmander? Butterfree? Ash? > >Ash, looking down at her: "Hey." > >Misty, smiling up at him: "Hey." ALL: Hey. > >Ash, shivering a little: "I don't want to swim anymore. CROW (Ash): I think I'll try sinking instead. >I'm going back to the lab that guy showed me too. I wanta check out >something. Return, everyone!" > >Misty, sitting up: "I'm coming too. Return, guys!" SIREN (Pokémon): Hey! Just because *you* need to follow your crush like a puppy doesn't mean that *we* should have to go in! > >All of the Pokémon were returned to their Pokéballs, and Ash showed Misty >to the Pokémon Computer Lab. They went up to a computer. > >Ash, looking at the screen: "Looks like this is the registration computer." > >They went to another. NYANKO: Oh, yeah. It's not like you need to REGISTER at the registration computer, or anything. SIREN: Of course not. He's Ash. > >Ash: "This one is devoted to Pokédex operation." MOUSE: They have a computer devoted to operating a smaller computer? CROW: Yeah. They're leaving out the computer that runs this one, though. > >They went to the one Ash went to before with the man. SIREN (Ash): This computer is too hot! This computer is too cold! But this computer is juuuuust right. NYANKO: If this ends with Ash being eaten by bears, I'm satisfied. >He muttered to himself quietly, thinking out loud. > >Ash: "Let's see...who should I check? Mayflower? W-" > >Misty, quickly, eyes narrowing: "Who's Mayflower?" SIREN (Ash): [ominously] Nobody knows. > >Of all the things in the world she did not want to find out, it was that >Ash was promised to some old girlfriend back in Pallet Town. Ash looked up >at her, seemingly surprised. Did she sound...suspicious? Of what? > >Ash, eyes widening innocently: "May? She's just my old girlf-er, MOUSE: Oh, she is? I know some girlf-ers. NYANKO: ...I'm sure you do. MOUSE: I also know some motherf-ers. NYANKO: I'd like you to stop talking now. >my old friend." > >He started to sweat as Misty's eyes narrowed even more. SIREN (Ash): Uhh, Misty? Why are you looking at me like Brock does? >Quickly, he turned back to the screen. He typed in two words and gazed at >the window that instantly popped up. CROW: Computer Search: discard two cards from your hand, and search your deck for any one. > >Ash, quickly: "'May Oak, 13 year-old Pokémon Trainer. Niece of esteemed >Professor Oak. She started her Journey when I did and has caught an average >of a Pokémon a day. A different type once every ten days. SIREN: ...why would you want ten specimens of the same species? NYANKO: I keep telling you, Siren, the trainers eat them! They spend all this time traveling through the wilderness; where else are they going to get food if they run low? SIREN: [primly] You, Tin Nyanko-san, are just an evil, violent, murderous, cannibalistic, backstabbing, sadistic little monster. NYANKO: Cannibalistic? Hey! I've *never* eaten anyone of my own species! >Half of her Pokémon are undefeated.' CROW: [rolling her eyes] Yeah, those would be the numerous copies of Pokémon that never emerge from her box, I'm sure. SIREN: Yes. She probably has a lot of undefeated Pidgeys. >That's good." > >Misty, looking relieved: "Oh...May...you told me about her before." MOUSE (Misty): Yeah, that's right... it was about ten seconds ago! > >Ash was confused. Why would Misty care about May? MOUSE: Maybe Misty is a girlf-er, too. NYANKO: ... > >Ash, slowly: "Yeah...I did." > >He turned once again back to the screen, and typed a different word. NYANKO (Ash): [typing] XYZZY. > >Ash, reading it off: "'Gary Oak, 13 year-old Pokémon Trainer. Nephew of >esteemed Professor Oak. He started his journey when I did and has caught an >average of two Pokémon a day. A different type every 12 days. CROW: Wait just a minute... last time Ash talked to Professor Oak, he said that May had already caught 45 different types, and that Gary had 50. If they all started their journeys at the same time a little over three months ago, then... well, the math just doesn't work out right! >All of his Pokémon are undefeated.' Okay...Misty what's your last name?" > >Misty: "Waterflower. That's what its registered as, at least. My real last >name's Williams, though." MOUSE (Misty): And, uh, my real first name's Marvin. > >Ash: "Okay...'Misty Waterflower, 14 year-old Pokémon Gym Leader. You >started being a Gym Leader at age 12. You have many Water Types and one >Fire Type. None of your Pokémon are undefeated, except for the Charmander, >thanks to Ash Ke-oh... (blushing) er..." > >[If Ash had kept reading, he would've also read 'Gary Oak'. ;' )] SIREN: Actually, though, Ash can't read. He was just faking the information above from what he knew about Misty. > >Misty, laughing: "Be proud! You're one of the few that has actually beaten >me." CROW (Misty): You're one of the few who's actually bothered battling me... [sniff] > >Ash, scratching his head: "I can see that. One more person...'Cypress >Ketchum, deceased Pokémon Master. He started his Journey at age 13. >Captured every Pokémon normally captured. SIREN: Cypress was a slave to fashion. He only used the most popular monsters. >Does not include any Legendary Types, like Dratini, or extinct types, like >Omanyte. CROW: Or really lame types, like Poliwrath. >Only Charizard undefeated. Beat 3 Pokémon Leagues all at age 16, youngest >in history, though last year a young man came close.' " NYANKO (Ash): Ah, that's nothing. I beat *four* Pokémon Leagues when I was *six*. > >Misty: "Why did you look up your father?" SIREN (Ash): Because he was tall. > >Ash: "I want to be like him. And know about him. C'mon, let's get back to >our rooms." MOUSE: Hey, he didn't answer her question! > >They started back towards their rooms, laughing and talking about different >things. Two figures watched them leave. One's eyes narrowed, while the >other's pair widened. CROW: That seems symbolic, somehow. >Spike and Flare, as one, turned to the computer the happy couple just left. SIREN: But then they decided to use the computer that Ash and Misty just left, instead. >Flare went over to it, while Spike turned back to the retreating forms of >Ash and Misty. MOUSE (Spike): Ash has a really nice ass... >Flare sat down in the chair by it, and looked at it closely. SIREN (Flare): Nice cushions, high-quality wood... boy, I really like this chair. > >Spike, thinking as Ash disappeared through a doorway: {Hmm...I can't be >sure...he seems to have the skills...and the heart...but does he have the >soul? MOUSE (Spike): And does he have the pants? >Does he fit into the prophecy? 'He of hair the color black, with the sword >strapped upon his back, CROW: ...who Spearows like to attack... >to this one doth the world depend, or all life upon it end. NYANKO: ...a letter bomb to him I'll send. >He must be of heart, and true of mind, for the keys he is to find. MOUSE: ...and he really has a nice behind. >With mighty beast and hair of gold, with friends of wisdom and love untold. SIREN: ...he's cut from an Author Avatar mold. NYANKO: And we only *wish* his love was untold. >Cousins strong and right of soul, these must help him reach his goal. MOUSE: ...to make par on that final hole. >If he fights, evil will fail. Yet a word of caution to this tale... CROW: ...the plot advances like a snail. >if he dies, he cannot prevail.' MOUSE: ...now send three copies in the mail, or upon you bad luck will hail. A guy named Sam once broke this charm, Upon him fell a lot of harm. But Jessie Thomas sent it out; It saved him from a case of gout. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Chain letter prophecies. Somehow, that appeals to me. >That was what she me. SIREN: Ah, but the question is: what was what she *him*? >But its so complexing trying to figure out who this person is! The person >prophecized has to have black hair, but also golden hair. HE doesn't have >golden hair. NYANKO: [growling] He will later... MOUSE: Probably only after hours of panting, screaming, and charging, though. >And he doesn't have a sword...} CROW: That depends on what kind of "sword" you mean... > >[The plot thickens even more...reminds me of split pea soup...] CROW: Well, if nothing else, you can sure tell the author is green. > >Flare, at the computer, quickly typed in two words. Instantly, a window >popped up. SIREN: "Fatal Exception Error." > >It said: "Flare Sparcity, missing 14 year-old Pokémon Trainer. Highest >mention from the esteemed Professor Oak. NYANKO: Man, the "esteemed" Professor Oak is handing out his highest mentions a dime a dozen. >Started his Journey at age 11 with Eevee. MOUSE: Hey, isn't that illegal? To train Pokémon before you're 13? CROW: Um, yes. Yes it is. I really can't think of anything else to say on the matter. >Has extremely powerful Flareon and Jolteon, that show an unusual amount of >care for their master. CROW: Oh, Flare has a Flareon. Clever, Author-Flareon. Clever. >Last seen in Olivine City in the Johto section of Indigo..." SIREN: ...where he gained the power of invisibility! > >He then typed in two different words, NYANKO (Flare): [typing] FUCK... YOU. >and the window changed. > >It read: "Spike Kayox, missing 14 year-old Pokémon Trainer. Highest mention >from the esteemed Professor Elm. NYANKO: The esteemed Professor Elm takes bribes. >Started his Journey at age 10 with Eevee. SIREN: ...but he came back home when he realized he had no food or money. >Has unknown types of Pokémon, that he never allowed scientists to examine. MOUSE: Such as Spikeon. >Last seen in Olivine City in the Johto section of Indigo..." > >[...] CROW: Uh, hello there, totally random ellipsis. How are you? SIREN: It seems to be doing fine. > ><><><> > >They got back to their rooms and changed back into their clothes. Misty and >Ash held a conference in Ash's room. SIREN: The press was invited. > >Misty: "So what do you want to do?" > >Ash: "I dunno. Kick back and enjoy the pleasures of ship life, I guess." > >Misty: "Sounds good to me." MOUSE: I would make a comment on the "pleasures" of ship life, but I think I've worn it out already. NYANKO: [bitter] *Thank* you. > >Pikachu: "Pika." 'Me too.' > >Ash flipped on the TV and looked at the TV Guide. CROW: Which I guess was more interesting than anything on the screen. > >Ash: "Hmm...the only thing that looks entertaining is some new movie just >put out on video here called 'Titanic' but its just a very long movie about >two people in love and one who dies at the end. CROW: Oh, please, PLEASE let this fanfic parallel "Titanic" *very* closely. >Its on this network here 24 hours a day. NYANKO: Hey, that sounds like my kind of channel! SIREN: Really, Nyanko-san? I'm surprised that you would appreciate a movie as touching and romantic as "Titanic." NYANKO: Are you kidding? If it was on 24 hours a day, I could turn on the TV once every three hours and watch Jack die! SIREN: ... >Let's do something else." MOUSE (Misty): Let's go have sex in the back of a carriage in the cargo hold. SIREN (Misty): Or we could go dance with Irish immigrants in the lower- class sections! CROW (Misty): How about we go make out above decks and distract the crew, causing us to hit an iceberg and sink. > >Misty, shrugging her shoulders: "How about ordering room service and I >dunno, talk about stuff." MOUSE (Misty): And I could model for you naked. > >Ash, trying hard to not just stare at her soft mane of damp red hair >hanging down from her head and her glistening skin, beautiful eyes, etc. >[god, I'm so tired of writing that stuff]: CROW: That makes sense, Flareon. We're tired of reading it. >"Okay. (Dialing number one of the women [Jesse] gave him) Hello? MOUSE: Yep, he has Jesse's number. In his little black book. >I was wondering if we could order room service. What do we want? How about >a pizza. (To Misty) What kind of pizza do you like?" NYANKO (Misty): Pepperoni and Parasect. > >Misty: "Any." > >Ash, rolling his eyes: "Oh, that helps." > >Misty giggled. > >Ash, quickly making up his mind: CROW (Ash): Just bring one of everything. I mean, it's free, right? >"Okay, we'd like a large pepperoni pizza. And bring some Coke too." MOUSE (Room Service): Hey, man, drugs cost you extra. > >Misty, quickly butting in: "Diet Coke." > >Ash: "Diet Coke, sorry. Thanks. (Hangs up phone) Why do you want Diet >Coke?" > >Misty, sniffing: "So I can keep my girlish figure." CROW (Ash): Oh, honey. You don't need to do that. I keep *my* girlish figure just by throwing up after every meal! > >Ash, teasing her: "You're as scrawny-(changing his sentence as she >menacingly brought out her 'oagam') MOUSE: You know, I don't think I have anything funny to say about oagams anymore, either. NYANKO: Gee, how tragic. >I mean, as skinny as a twig! SIREN (Misty): Oh. "Skinny as a twig." Well, that's much better than "scrawny as a twig." I'm glad you changed it so it wasn't an insult. >(Wrinkling his nose) And Diet Coke tastes awful." NYANKO: Yeah, well, so does regular Coke. Deal. > >Misty, sniffing as she put her mallet-thing away: "I don't think so." > >Ash: "Whatever. What do you want to talk about?" SIREN (Misty): Politics. CROW (Ash): Is that an evolution of Poliwag? > >Misty, looking at him closely: "Well, a long time ago, a little boy told me >about his life, CROW (Ash): Woah, Misty. I don't want to hear about what you and this little boy did together. >so I thought I'd tell him about mine." > >Ash, incredulous: " 'Little'?!" > >Misty, shrugging: "You know what I mean." MOUSE: Oh, yes. We *know* what you mean when you say he's "little." > >It turned out that Misty had been a top student in her school, that her >parents had died when she was 4, and that her first Pokémon was Staryu. NYANKO: Oh, yeah? Well, **** you, too! >When she was younger, she had no friends whatsoever, because kids were >always jealous of her station as Gym Leader. CROW: Gym Leader is a hereditary position? That explains so much. Like why all the Gym Leaders are lame. >They ridiculed her because for some reason they thought she thought she was >superior. MOUSE: And being superior *sucks*! >At first, her sisters were always putting her down, but as she grew taller, >older, and slightly prettier, they began to respect her and treat her >almost like an equal. SIREN: Almost. CROW: Unfortunately for Misty, they treated their equals like crap. >Misty's sisters and herself were known as the Waterflowers of Cerulean City >because they adopted that as their last name when their parents died, and >that each one of her sisters weren't just pretty, they were beautiful. NYANKO: ...and that they sicced their Gyradoses on people who didn't call them that. >Misty had always felt out of place, because she didn't think she'd ever be >half as attractive as her sisters were. Ash silently disagreed with that, >of course, that was the way he felt. SIREN: Disagreeable? >Nobody could be more attractive than she could. MOUSE (Ash): ...except maybe her sisters. Now *they're* hot. > >Misty had left home to see the island when she was 11. SIREN: Expanding your horizons... before puberty. >She had won Gym Battles against the Gym Leaders in Pewter City, Lofty City, >and Cinnabar Island. CROW: Okay, once and for all, let's settle this. Are you or are you not required to be 13 before getting your Training License and setting off on your Pokémon journey? NYANKO: It probably depends largely on who you can afford to bribe. >She had returned on her 13th birthday, and had stayed in the Gym for a >year. Her Pokémon were her only friends. NYANKO: And even they secretly hated her. >She left again on the day after her 14th birthday. SIREN: Umm... I guess school isn't really a concern for these kids, huh? CROW: Hey, supernatural monster cockfighting gives you all kinds of worthwhile life skills. MOUSE: In any case, I guess it's better than suppressing the sport among the kids. Then they would just be distracted, you know... playing with their Pocket Monsters under their desks during class and all... NYANKO: ...you *couldn't* have worded that another way, Mouse? MOUSE: [cheerfully] Nope! >When Ash asked why, Misty couldn't say. > >Misty: "I just felt like a had to. So I traveled towards Pallet Town. I >thought I was making myself catch Pokémon from the ocean, or something. CROW (Misty): But in reality, I was making myself catch Pokémon from freshwater streams. >Its really weird." > >Ash: "Yeah." > >They had finished the pizza. Pikachu was licking pizza sauce from his >fingers. SIREN: Wow! You know what I just realized? CROW: What? SIREN: Pizza has *sauce*! Which is like *saucer*! And pizzas are shaped like flying saucers! ALL: ... SIREN: [suspiciously] I'm sensing a conspiracy here. > >Ash, puzzling over Pikachu: "I thought you would have ordered ketchup." > >Pikachu, in a matter-of-fact tone: "Pika pikachu." 'Tomato sauce is like >gourmet ketchup.' > >Ash, a little out of that league: NYANKO: He's not smart enough to recognize the shared origins of tomato sauce and ketchup. >"Er...sure. So, Misty, when is your birthday, anyway?" > >Misty, grimacing: "If I tell you you'd give me something. I'm the one who >owes you." CROW: Yeah, well, she owes him her life... after that, I doubt that any birthday gift Ash could give her is going to tip those scales *too* much. SIREN: Well, maybe if he gave her another life? MOUSE: Oh, I doubt that would happen. Ash doesn't have a life. > >Ash, insistent: "Oh, c'mon. You're one of my three best friends. SIREN (Ash): You, Brock, and Goldeen! >Friends give friends gifts on their birthdays." NYANKO (Misty): Well, I wouldn't know. I've never had any friends, remember? > >Misty, looking at him straight in the eye: "You have to tell me yours, >then." > >Ash, grimacing: "Oh, fine. So when's yours?" > >Misty: "February 4th. NYANKO: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah, she trains Water Pokémon and her sign is Aquarius. Very clever, Flareon. We're all impressed by the depth of your research. Think that's pretty cute, don't you? Applying Zodiac signs that... SIREN: Umm, Nyanko-san... Aquarius isn't actually a Water-affiliated sign. NYANKO: ...it isn't? SIREN: No. It's element is Air. ALL: ... NYANKO: ...I knew that. >And yours?" CROW (Ash): Christmas. MOUSE: His birth was attended by three Professors from the East and a bunch of Pokémon in a manger. > >Ash: "March 18th. That means you are exactly..." > >Ash and Misty at the same time: "10 months and 17 days older than me/you." NYANKO: Watch me descend to new depths of not caring. > >Misty, laughing: "You better respect your elders, sonny." > >Ash, laughing: "Oh yes, granny." > >Misty got those marks of fury on her head, CROW: Marks... of FURY! ALL: ... CROW: Hell, I don't know. Actually, I'm sort of reaching here for anything interesting to say. NYANKO: We couldn't tell. >and she leapt for Ash, breathing fire. MOUSE: Woah! Now there's a plot twist! SIREN: There must have been some pretty hot peppers on that pizza. > >Misty, chasing the terrified younger boy: "*WHAT* DID YOU CALL ME?!?!" NYANKO: oh the slapstick humor lol > >She tackled him and they hit the sofa, and sat down on his back, pinning >him down. Then, Ash burst out laughing. It was contagious, and soon Misty >was laughing too. > >Pikachu, sighing and smiling: "Pi...pika." 'Ah...young love.' SIREN (Pikachu): I'm acting smug and condescending to hide my own unbearable loneliness... [sigh] > >Ash and Misty stopped laughing, needless to say, shocked. NYANKO: Shocked! By Pikachu! Ha ha ha ha die. > >Ash/Misty, growling at Pikachu: "WHAT did you say?!" > >Pikachu, quickly covering up his slip: "Pika." 'Nothing.' MOUSE: His *Freudian* slip. CROW: No, I think he's talking about covering another sort of slip entirely. I always knew something was up with Pikachu's gender. > >Brock came in. MOUSE (Brock): Mind if I join you two on the couch, if you know what I mean? CROW (Ash): Any time, Brock! > >Brock: "Hi, guys! Sorry I'm late." > >Ash: "That's okay." > >Brock: "There's a big dinner tonight. Wanna come?" > >Misty: "But we just ate!" > >Ash: "C'mon, let's go. I'm still hungry." NYANKO (Ash): For *souls*. > >Misty, exasperated: "You just had half a pizza!" > >Ash, patting his stomach: "I'm still hungry, though." NYANKO (Ash): Mom told me that if a Saiya-jin eats all his food and vegetables he grows up to be a *Super* Saiya-jin! SIREN: [musing] If a Saiya-jin eats vegetables, is it cannibalism? > >Misty, sighing, still exasperated: "I'm tired. I'm just gonna zonk out for >a while." SIREN: I hate having to zonk in and out. I wish they'd just get rid of those stifling regulations and let people zonk as they please! OTHERS: ...? > >Ash: "Okay, see you when we get back." > >Pikachu, Brock, and Ash left. Misty got into her night gown CROW: Huh. She hauls around a nightgown on her long-term overland hike? MOUSE: Nah, the ship gives them free nightgowns. Anything to make their passengers "comfortable". >and tried to sleep. > >****** SIREN: Wow! This hotel service really is classy! It's *six* stars! > >James walked along on the ship, admiring the number of Pokémon he saw. SIREN (James): [thinking] I see 47 Pokémon. 47 is a *damn* fine number. > >A voice: "Psst!" > >James looked at where the voice was coming from. A man who seemed to run a >shop was gesturing. James pointed at himself and the man nodded. James >walked over. The shop's sign read: 'Magikarp, half off today!' > >James: "Yes sir?" MOUSE: "Sir?" Wow, even shady street peddlers rank higher on the respect ladder than James. > >Man: "Hello. (Pointing to the fish displayed in a tank in front) I don't >know if I should tell you, but NYANKO (Man): ...You're as ugly as this fish. >this Pokémon is a gold mine!" > >James: "Gold?!" MOUSE (Man): Oh alright, I'm exaggerating. This Pokémon is a *silver* mine. > >Man, nodding: "Yes. Meet Magikarp, the king of all carp. CROW (Man): Wait, did I say the king of all carp? I meant the king of all crap. SIREN: Umm, what other carp exist in the Pokémon world for Magikarp to be king of? >This large carp can give you tons of money! Each Magikarp lays exactly >1,000 eggs at a time. That means you get 1,000 Magikarp. You could sell 1 >Magikarp for 100 dollars, you'd get 100,000 dollars. MOUSE: Wow, Magikarp reproduce that quickly? NYANKO: I guess it's to counteract the fact that they totally suck. They probably have a butt-load of natural predators. CROW: I think we just found the base of the aquatic Pokémon food chain. MOUSE: But then what do the Magikarp eat? NYANKO: Each other. >Then, if you wait a little, each of those 1,000 makes another 1,000, giving >you 10,000,000 bucks! CROW: This guy should start using scientific notation. SIREN (Man): Each of those 1.0 x 10^3 makes another 1.0 x 10^3, giving you 1.0 x 10^7 bucks! CROW: Wait, if he's selling each of the 1.0 x 10^6 Magikarp for 1.0 x 10^ 2 dollars, shouldn't that be 100,000,000 dollars total, not 10,000,000? MOUSE: I don't think the Magikarp peddler really cares if his math is right. >For only 10 dollars each, you get 1,000,000 dollars! SIREN (James): Gee, does that really work? MOUSE (Man): Hey, I wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't profitable! SIREN (James): Good point... >Next year, each of those 1,000,000 make another 1,000, giving you a billion >Magikarp! CROW (Man): And, assuming that you can sell those Magikarp at a rate of about two per minute, you'll be rolling in money just in time for the egg haul the next year! >If you sell those, you have a hundred billion dollars! Or if you wait, ten >trillion dollars! Keep waiting and you get big, bigger, biggest money!" >[sound familiar] MOUSE: I dunno. That sounds less likely to get you money and more likely to get you into a bad knock-off of "The Trouble with Tribbles". > >James, looking doubtful: "But what if people don't buy them?" > >Man, earnestly: "Anyone will! Magikarp make great Pokémon. (Handing one to >James) See?" NYANKO (Man): Plus, they're good eatin'. > >James, holding the struggling Magikarp: "Wow, it certainly is lively!" > >Man: "Tell you what, normally I'd charge 100 hundred dollars for one of >these, but for you, I'll also throw in the 'Egg Care Kit', 'How to Feed >Your Magikarp' manual, NYANKO (Man): It feeds on blood. SIREN (Magikarp): FEED ME, SEYMOUR! >Magikarp food, and a picture frame for your first 1,000 dollars for only >300 dollars!" SIREN: Because nothing says "rich" like having a thousand dollars in a picture frame on your wall. > >James, smiling as he holds Magikarp and sees millions of dollars pouring >over his head: "I'll take it!" CROW (Man): Okay, so here are the most important instructions. First, don't feed it after midnight. Second, keep it away from bright light. Finally, don't let it get wet. SIREN (James): But it's a fish! CROW (Man): Yeah, that could be a problem. > >Later, he met up with Jesse and Meowth. > >Meowth, looking in disbelief: "You actually bought dat ting?!" MOUSE (Meowth): I've always wanted one of those! But every year, Santa let me down... > >James, insistent: "But Magikarp is a gold mine!" SIREN (James): It just *looks* like a fish to hide from it's natural enemies: miners and prospectors! > >Jesse, looking irritated: "Magikarp is a no-talent Pokémon and all it can >do is Splash around. CROW: Hey, with training, it can learn Tackle, too! >How did anyone get you to buy such a thing?!" NYANKO (James): Uh... Mind Control. That's right. It was mind control. > >James, sorrowfully: "I was tricked." > >Jesse: "How were you able to buy it?" CROW (James): *Buy* it? I'm a Team Rocket member. I just stole it. SIREN (James): As well as the other 9,999 Magikarp he had. Want a couple hundred? > >James: "Well, I couldn't afford it with the advance on my salary. >(Brightly) So I used the advance on your salary as well." GALAXIA'S VOICE: They get paid in *advance*? Even when they've had no appreciable results, ever? I want to have some words with Giovanni on his employment practices... > >Jesse, picking James up by the neck and shaking him: "You WHAT?!?!!!" >Meowth: "C'mon, we gotta get ready." > >Jesse, setting James down: "I swear, when we are through with this >mission..." MOUSE (Jesse): ...You and I are ditching Meowth, you Magikarp-buying stud, you. > >****** > >At the Grand Hall, many guests had already arrived. CROW: Not like they have a whole lot of other places to go... >Ash, Brock, and Pikachu sat down as a waiter took their order. SIREN: The waiters are so fast, they get to your table before *you*! MOUSE: Time-traveling waiters. That would be awesome. > >Ash: "I would like some Shrimp Fried Rice, please." CROW: How would he know what he wants? He didn't have a chance to look at the menu! SIREN: Crow-san, they're zeroth class customers, remember? They get anything they want, whether it's on the menu or not. > >Waiter: "Excellent. And ze for drink?" NYANKO (Ash): Ambrosia. CROW (Waiter): Very good, sir. > >Ash: "A Cherry Temple." > >Waiter, to Brock: "End you, sir?" NYANKO (Brock): Sure. My life isn't worth living anyway. > >Brock: "I'll have the Sirloin Beef with a Root Beer Float." > >Waiter, to Brock: "End for ze Pikachu?" NYANKO (Ash): He wants human flesh. MOUSE (Waiter): Very good, sir. Allow me to go arrange for the "removal" of one of the lower-class customers. > >Pikachu: "Pi pikachu pi." 'I'll have apples with ketchup." > >Ash: "He says he wants apple slices with a side of ketchup." CROW: Brock could probably launch into a lecture here about proper Pokémon nutrition and how it doesn't involve a diet of apples and ketchup. MOUSE: What, and contradict Ash's indulgent training strategy? Never! > >[I was thinking of putting this in: Pikachu, irritated: "Pi, pikachu, >pikachu PIKA pi PIKACHU. Pi KACHU pi PIKACHU CHU. Pikachu, pika pika." 'No, >you imbecil, I said I wanted APPLES and KETCHUP. Not APPLE SLICES and A >SIDE OF KETCHUP. Say it slowly, you might get it this time.'] NYANKO (Flareon): I was also thinking of putting this in: Pikachu, enraged: "PI, PIKA PIKA, PIKACHUUUU! PIKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" 'You bastard! I'll kill ya! I'll kill you all, and your little dogs, too! YAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHH!' > >Waiter, with a sweatdrop: "Zat is...ah, intaresting. I vill be right back >vith your food." CROW: I think Ash accidentally stumbled upon some kind of secret code phrase. > >He walked away. Two Trainers a few tables away watched Ash's every move. SIREN: o/ Every move you make, every vow you break o/ o/ Every smile you fake, every claim you stake o/ o/ I'll be watching you... o/ > ><><><> > >The two Trainers were sipping soft drinks as they eyed the object of their >attention. MOUSE (Trainer 1): He's hot. CROW (Trainer 2): Yep. >One had red hair. SIREN: And one had no hair at all. >He was tall, with the look of a young athlete. NYANKO: He looked like he was on steroids? >He wore his hair in large spikes off his head, the bangs jutting at a 45 >degree angle off his brow. CROW: ...45 degrees in relation to *what*? 45 degrees slanting down? Slanting up? 45 degrees where, um, 315 degrees is pointing straight down? What? >He had on a light, blue jacket. SIREN: That was immune to plasma! >On his legs were beige cargo pants, drifting down to short brown boots >[like Gary's] MOUSE: Gary sets the trends in Trainer-wear. SIREN: He even beats out Lt. Surge's stylish duds! >He had light green eyes. > >The other had blonde hair. He wore his hair in short spikes. MOUSE: These guys must spend a lot of time doing their hair. >He was taller, and appeared to be a little older. He was lightly muscled, >with an open black leather jacket CROW: An *acid-resistant* black leather jacket. MOUSE: Guys, do you think that joke is getting a little old? CROW: Not really. >reveling a cream-colored T-shirt covering his chest. SIREN: [in rapture] Oh, that's a great T-shirt! Revel in it! >He had on blue denims and black boots the same type as his fellow Trainer >[like Gary's]. NYANKO: I see. It's the sign that they belong to the same secret society of assassins... >He himself had deep blue eyes. CROW: Eyes you can sink your *teeth* into! > >Flare, sipping the rest of his Coke up: "Tell me again, why are we >following him?" [ALL groan.] CROW: What, Flare, did you just *now* decide you wanted to understand what was going on? MOUSE: Plot explication dialogue. Gotta love it. > >Spike turned his gaze from Ash to his comrade. CROW (Spike): Hey, you're pretty hot, too. > >Spike, dryly: "Flare, you know as well as I do that he's the only one that >can help us now. MOUSE (Spike): Our raging passions can only be sated by a real man like him... NYANKO: Great Galaxia, will you shut up! >We have to wait until he's strong enough to be able to give any aid to our >cause." CROW (Spike): Only he can help us now. Unfortunately, he sucks. > >Flare, angrily: "I don't see why we have to drag Ash into this! He'll just >be a liability to both us and himself!" SIREN: A liability to himself? MOUSE: Yeah. If it weren't for Ash, Ash would be on the fast track to success. > >Spike, gazing at Flare levelly: "Listen. At his current level, that may >very well be so. But I know for a fact that in time he will grow extremely >strong, maybe as powerful or even stronger as we ourselves are. NYANKO (Flare): Wow! As powerful as *us*? The mysterious, kick-ass cool new characters? Impossible! >The prophecy says so." SIREN: Umm, no it doesn't. The prophecy didn't say anything about his power level, in relation to others or in relation to himself. NYANKO: I'd also like to point out that the prophecy includes Ash's death as an entirely feasible end result. > >Flare, eyebrows raising to his hairline: "Really?" MOUSE (Spike): Hahaha, no. I'm just kidding. > >Spike, nodding: "Yes, and until that time, we cannot do more than wait and >pray he doesn't get into more trouble than he's been through already." MOUSE (Spike): I mean, we *could* help him out... but what can I say, I'm lazy. > >Flare nodded, and narrowed his eyes, looking back towards the table of Ash >and Brock. CROW: I just realized he never said which of the two described characters was Flare and which was Spike. MOUSE: Umm, I'm assuming the one with the red hair is Flare. Because Flare is like fire, right? And fire is sometimes red. CROW: But the one with the red hair has larger spikes. On his head. You know. SIREN: I think they're *both* Flare *and* Spike. ALL: ... NYANKO: So, what, they're like a split personality with two bodies? SIREN: [solemnly] That might very well be possible. > >Flare, thinking: {Grow strong, cousin. We're going to need your help. SIREN (Flare): We just *can't* think of a good birthday present for Aunt Deria by ourselves! >If you're really the chosen one...still, stranger things have happened to >me. CROW: [flatly] Stranger things. Than his cousin being the one destined to save the world. MOUSE: Yeah, once it turned out that his pet Psyduck was destined to save the world. Now *that* was weird. >Man, I wish it was back to the good old days, before all this >happened...when we'd go tromping through the woods in Pallet together, us >two and Gary as a team. NYANKO (Flare): The three of us would mock and exclude Spike... man, those were the days... >Before I left. I wish we didn't have to hide ourselves from you, but you >can't know our plans yet... CROW (Flare): There's still, like, another forty episodes in the season. [NYANKO shudders.] >Spike's always been more mature than me, MOUSE (Flare): ...in more ways than one... >I've known that since we met up...I just wish you knew what's happened to >us... CROW: *Flare* doesn't seem to know what's happened to them, much less Ash. >and what's going to happen to YOU...} NYANKO (Flare): [lilting] We're going to *kill* you... > ><><><> > >Ash and Brock looked around. It seemed all of the people there were >Trainers, talking about Pokémon. CROW: That doesn't just describe the ship... it describes their entire world. >They were trading, comparing, and just talking. NYANKO: And don't forget eating. >The waiter came back with their food. They dug in. Suddenly, someone >stopped in front of the table. Ash and Brock looked up. > >Voice: "Well, well. If it isn't the Pokémon Stealers with moi Pikachu and >Charmundah." CROW (Voice): ...then it's probably you two. > >Brock, disgusted: "Oh. It's..." > >Ash, wrinkling his nose: "...You." SIREN (Misty): Uh, hey, guys, aren't you happy to see me? > >Damien, glaring down at them: "Glad to see youse guys recognize me. NYANKO (Damien): Now, I'm workin' this here joint, so all youse better get outta here before I blast a cap in youse. SIREN: I didn't know Damien was part of the Mob! >Now hand ovah moi Pikachu and moi Charmandah." CROW: Wait, is it a Charmundah or a Charmandah? MOUSE: Damien: all accents, all the time. > >Ash, simply and shortly: "They aren't yours anymore, Damien." > >Damien, indignant: "Those Pokémon were moine! NYANKO: Uh... back to gangster? MOUSE: I dunno, what was he before? French? Western Gentleman? CROW: "Moine" means "monk" in French. SIREN: So he's saying those Pokémon were trained in unarmed combat? >Ay caught 'em, remembah?!" > >[God, Damien is an idiot...] SIREN: Not at all! Look at all these complicated accents he's mastered! > >Ash, growling: "Too bad." > >Damien, looking furious: "Dab nabbit, Ay'm not gonna lose moi Pokémon to >the loiks of you!" MOUSE (Damien): A yuk yuk yuk! > >A mocking voice from behind them: "Of course not. You're going to lose them >to the likes of us." > >Another voice, angry: "Shut up Meowth! Look, you've ruined our cover!" > >Ash, Brock, Pikachu, and Damien turned to see the ladies standing by their >table with weird packs on their backs. > >Ash: "'Meowth'?!" CROW: Not like that's the name of every other Meowth in existence, too... > >The ladies went behind a screen, changed, and came back out, revealing >Jesse and James. Meowth was under James's wig, ALL: ... NYANKO: That must be one *hell* of a large wig. >and James looked down in the dumps. The packs were the all-too-familiar >Portable Team Rocket Poké Snatchers. > >Damien, looking confused and disgusted: "Who are you goys?" CROW: Hey! How does *he* know if they're Jewish or not? > >Jesse: "Ah, a newbie. MOUSE: (Rockets): He must not be familiar with our speech. ALL (Rockets): Ai to segino, seraa fuku bishoujo senshi... >Prepare for trouble!" SIREN (James): And shave your stubble! > >James, unenthusiastically: "And make it double." SIREN (James): That too. > >Jesse: "To protect the world from devastation!" MOUSE (James): My train gets off at the next station! > >James, quickly: "To unite all people within our nation." CROW: Man, look at their motto! Team Rocket are the good guys! GALAXIA'S VOICE: If they're the good guys, I believe that evil will win handily. > >Jesse: "To denounce the evils of truth and love!" SIREN (James): I want some ice cream, maybe Dove! > >James, depressed-looking: "To extend our reach to the stars above." GALAXIA'S VOICE: Been there, done that. > >Jesse: "Jesse!" SIREN: Slut! > >James, shortly: "James." SIREN: Asshole! OTHERS: ...? > >Jesse: "Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!" NYANKO (James): My rifle has a laser sight! > >James: "Surrender now or prepare to fight." SIREN (James): Or you can fight without any preparation if you really want to, but I wouldn't recommend it! > >Meowth, jumping down: "Meowth, that's right." MOUSE: Just once, I want to hear him say "that's wrong." > >Damien, taking out a bunch of Pokéballs: "Surrendah?! I'll crush you with >every Pokémon I've got!" CROW (Damien): Even Catah-pi! >Ash, smiling: "Heh, heh, heh. He sure is stupid, isn't he, Brock." NYANKO (Brock): A-yep, Ash-Bob. He sure is stupid, ain't he? > >Brock, snickering: "Yep. Go Team Rocket." > >[I know this is evil, but I really, really hate Damien and couldn't resist. > >8-P> ] CROW: Well, you know, an alternative might be to change Damien so he isn't so utterly worthless and one-dimensional. NYANKO: Nah, that would require creativity. > >Damien, his arms with his Pokéballs hanging above his head: "Huh?" NYANKO: Wow, his arms were chopped off so fast, that he didn't even realize what happened until they were already in the air. > >Jesse, smiling with cold satisfaction: "Thanks." > >Her pack flipped on and the Pokéballs in Damien's hands zoomed into the >pack. MOUSE: At Mach 6. > >Damien: "No! Hey, give those back! Theyah mine!" SIREN (Damien): And theyah grrrrrreat! > >Jesse: "Come out everyone!" CROW (Jesse): It's October 11th! NYANKO: What? > >All of the waiters and employees suddenly whipped off their clothes, >showing black Team Rocket attire. SIREN: Hey! Fancy restaurants like this call for formal-wear! > >Jesse, commanding the others: "Suck up all the Trainers' Pokéballs! Suck >'em up! Suck 'em all up!" MOUSE: "Suck their balls," huh? NYANKO: Aaargh... > >In the midst of the exchange, Jesse grabbed James and Meowth and they >escaped down to the lower deck. > >Meowth: "Jesse! We're supposed to be in command!" CROW: *They* have positions of command? Come on, Team Rocket has got to be able to do better than that. > >Jesse: "We've got...let's see...74 Pokémon. A very nice catch. SIREN: Especially since Damien has a history of training talented, powerful Pokémon. Err, potentially powerful, at least. NYANKO: Just goes to show you that constant mistreatment *does* work. >We've gotta get them to the boss, before the twerps try to stop us again! >The others can get the rest." MOUSE (Jesse): I mean, *we* get our asses kicked regularly by three trainers, but I'm pretty sure the others will be able to handle a boatload of 'em. > >Meowth: "Here's a videophone." CROW (Jesse): Meowth, you fool! Do I look like I know sign language? We need an *audio*phone! > >They call the boss. SIREN: I'm sure they do. > >Jesse: "Boss, we've successfully captured 74 Pokémon for you. We're sending >them right now." > >Boss, looking as if he saw pigs flying around the room: SIREN: Would that be unusual in the Pokémon world? CROW: Well, if you hack the game you can give anything "Fly". >"You're-...you're kidding!..." > >Meowth: "Nope!" > >Boss: "Ah-ahem. Um, excellent. I see them now." MOUSE (Boss): They're all Pidgeys... and they're flying around my head... > >Their boss seemed to crumple up and his eyes rolled back into his head, and >he fell away from the screen. He had fainted. An aide came and doused him >with water. SIREN: And he turned into a girl. > >Boss, shaking his head: "Thank you. Now, you all get raises and your pick >of any two Pokémon you have stolen." CROW: ...but... the whole point of Team Rocket is that they're going after rare and powerful Pokémon! You know, quality over quantity! Giovanni hasn't even checked to see if Damien has anything worthwhile! > >Jesse: "Wow, thank you, sir!" NYANKO: Cool, keeping your boss's expectations extremely low *does* work. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Only those pansy-ass bosses who don't view human resources as easily replaceable. Now, me, I would've killed them already for being total dumbasses. > >They each checked which Pokémon there were and took the ones they wanted. SIREN (Jesse): Pidgey and Ratatta. Score! CROW (James): I'll take Magikarp and... Magikarp. > >Boss: "Good. Now, I've raised each of your salaries to $1,000 a day. GALAXIA'S VOICE: ...Are you *kidding*? Pay them on a commission basis, Giovanni! A *commission basis*! >I also forgive you for failing to fetch the Pikachu you keep telling us >about. SIREN: Aww, how nice. Team Rocket is like a big, happy Mafia family. >I hope you do this good every week. Viridian Gym out." CROW: You know, he sure was rewarding them heavily, considering that they didn't deliver any Pokémon powerful enough for him to claim personally. MOUSE: Maybe he's just investing in the future by giving them the best ones. CROW: Yeah, right. If the future of his organization is Jessie and James, he's dead meat. > >As soon as the transmission ended, Meowth, Jesse, and James all hugged each >other and whooped. They were no longer going to be as poor as they had >been. > >Jesse: "I forgive you the Magikarp, James! NYANKO (Jesse): Now, cleansed of your mortal sins, you may enter the Kingdom of God! >Buy three more, if you like!" SIREN (James): You know what? I think I *will*! > >Meowth: "I must be top cat again!" NYANKO: I appreciate your goal, Meowth, but you're never going to get to be the top cat unless you start knocking off all the cats above you. > >They partied in the lower cabins for a couple hours until they fell asleep. >They didn't notice the view through the portholes... CROW: As the Deep Ones surrounded the ship and prepared to destroy it in sacrifice to their god, Cthulhu... > >****** > >In the Grand Hall, Rockets were stealing Pokémon. MOUSE: But that didn't stop the wild partying! > >Ash: "Hey, give those back!" SIREN (Rockets): Oh, well, okay. Since you asked. > >He jumped to the stage on the far wall and grabbed the microphone. MOUSE (Ash): And now for my next karaoke number, "Who Let the Dogs Out"! > >Ash, over the mike: "EVERYONE! IF THEY CAN TRY TO TAKE OUR POKÉMON WE CAN >TRY TO KEEP THEM! USE YOUR POKÉMON TO ATTACK THEM!" NYANKO (Ash): Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This is my *Pokéball*! MOUSE (Ash): Shop smart, shop Pokémart! > >The Trainers looked at themselves. ALL (Trainers): We are not as awesome as Ash. We are unworthy. > >The Trainers: "Hey, that's right!" "Fight back!" "Pokémon, go!" CROW: [twitching] The ship full of *Pokémon Trainers* needed *Ash* to point out that you can use Pokémon to *fight*? SIREN: I think the average IQ of a Pokémon Trainer is pretty low. > >Suddenly, hundreds of Pokémon popped out of nowhere. SIREN: [excited] Out of nowhere? Not out of Pokéballs? These must be a band of Teleporting Pokémon revolutionaries attempting to free all of their brethren in the confusion of the battle! NYANKO: Yeah, Siren, I'm sure that's exactly what it is. >Ash lead the counter- attack. > >Ash: "Go, Pikachu, Charmander, Butterfree, Wartortle, Krabby, Seel! Attack >with the others of your species!" SIREN: Hmmph. No inter-Pokémon integration here, I see. How are Pokémon species going to learn to live in harmony if they're kept divided? > >The Pokémon banded together and soon there were groups of all types of >Pokémon. SIREN: It's like Apartheid all over again, I'm telling you. >Raichus and Pikachu made a pyramid of Electric Mouse Pokémon. > >Ash: "Pikachus, Raichus, combined Thunderbolt!" CROW (A Pikachu): But I don't know Thunderbolt... NYANKO (Ash): Flog that Pikachu until he cooperates! > >Response: "Raichu!" "Kachu!" SIREN: Bless you! >"Raichu!" (This is Ash's Pikachu) MOUSE: Sounds like a cool band name. [announcer voice] Yes, ladies and gentlemen... give it up... this is ASH'S PIKACHU! [NYANKO rolls her eyes] >"PIKA!" 'READY!' (Rest) CROW (Ash): No, no, no! Don't use Rest, use Thunderbolt! >"CHUUU!!" 'THUNDERBOLT!!" > >Another pyramid had a few Blastoises on the bottom, Wartortles in the >middle, and Squirtle on the top. SIREN: And they were all holding pom-poms! > >Ash: "Squirtles, Wartortles, Blastoises, combined Water Gun!" MOUSE: Heh heh... NYANKO: What is it? MOUSE: Oh, just all these Pokémon "ejecting water" simultaneously... NYANKO: ...I'm sorry I asked. > >Response: "Tortle!" "Squirtle!" "Stoise!" "Squirtle!" "Tortle!" (This is >Ash's Wartortle) "WAR!" 'READY!' (Rest) "QUIRTLE/TORTLE/TOISE!!" SIREN: QUATRO/CINCO/SEIS!! >'WATER GUN!!" > >Yet another had Charizards on the bottom, Charmeleons in the middle, and >Charmanders on the top. CROW: Do Charmanders like being on top? MOUSE: I guess Ash would know. NYANKO: ... > >Ash: "Charmanders, Charmeleons, Charizards, combined Flamethrower!" SIREN: Umm, is Ash the only trainer here who can talk or something? > >Response: "Char!" "Char!" "Char!" (This is Ash's Charmander, of course) NYANKO: [grinding her teeth] Oh, of *course*... MOUSE: Just how long is this going to take? >"MANDER!" 'READY!' (Rest) "CHAR!!" 'FLAMETHROWER!!' > >And it went on like that. SIREN: What? But I wanted to see the combined Krabbys! CROW (Ash): Krabbys, Kinglers, combined "Snap Claws Threateningly at Opponent's Feet" attack, now! >Eventually, the Rockets gave up CROW (Rocket): My god, this is tedious! Let's get out of here! >and the Pokéballs all went back to their rightful owners. MOUSE: Uh... that was a very vague combat scene... NYANKO: Better than the alternative. >Except... > >Ash, chuckling: "Hey Brock! Look." > >Damien was running around, looking for Jesse and James in panic. CROW (Brock): Look, Ash, I know you like them, but those pretty-boys just aren't my type. > >Brock, looking at Damien: "No one deserves it more. Though I kinda feel >sorry for him..." > >Ash, seriously: "I really don't." NYANKO: Whoo! No sympathy for the stupid! I agree, all the way! > >The Trainers all thanked Ash and threw him and Pikachu into the air, MOUSE: ...over the side of the ship... >along with cheers. NYANKO (Trainers): [chanting] DROWN THE KID! DROWN HIM LIKE A RAT! DROWN HIM *AND* THE RAT! > >Suddenly, a shudder went throughout the ship. Everyone turned towards the >captain, who had the microphone on stage. SIREN (Captain): I'd like to dedicate this next number to my lovely wife... > >Captain: "I want everyone to calm down. We've just went through some rough >weather. There's nothing to worry about. Nothing at all." CROW (Passenger): What about the global proliferation of nuclear weapons? SIREN (Passenger): How about the ozone layer? Should we worry about the ozone layer? MOUSE (Passenger): I worry about my hair. Is that okay? > >Another crash hit the ship. Suddenly, the Trainers all saw the captain >lowering himself into a lifeboat. CROW: With the aid of those handy one-man life boat lowering systems these ships have rigged up, of course. > >Captain, still with his peaceful smile: "There's nothing to worry about. >Nothing at all. I'm just taking the liberty of checking to make sure the >lifeboats are in operation." NYANKO: It turns out they weren't... the lifeboat sunk and the Captain died in the raging waves. > >The Trainers watched him for half a second as he lowered the boat, then ran >towards the other boats, panicking. NYANKO: Man, these guys are pretty quick on the uptake for a group of Trainers that didn't realize you could fight using Pokémon. >Ash, Pikachu, and Brock were about to join them when they remembered Misty >was still sleeping. MOUSE (Ash): Hey, all you bailing passengers! Will you keep it down? My girlfriend is sleeping below decks! >Just as they turned around, Misty walked up. [ALL blink.] NYANKO: Quick, Plot-Contrivance Man, to the Sucksmobile! > >Misty: "What's going on?" > >Ash: "We're in a storm! The captain abandoned ship!" CROW: They're capsizing in a *storm*? I can see how they wouldn't design a gigantic luxury cruiser to be iceberg-safe, but not making it *sea-worthy* is just freaking ridiculous. SIREN: Yeah, but making the ship sea-worthy would have cut down on the budget for their extensive video game library! > >Misty, dismayed: "Oh no! I left all my stuff in the room!" > >Brock, grimly: "I did too. But we can't go back, we've got to abandon ship >or we'll drown!" > >Ash: "I'm not leaving Misty's and your Pokémon back in the cabins! SIREN: Why not? Misty's Pokémon love it in the water! MOUSE: What about Brock's? SIREN: Well, there are plenty of other rocks on the ocean floor. MOUSE: And the Zubat and Charmander? SIREN: [primly] I don't see why they can't adapt to changing circumstances. >I'm going back. Get in a lifeboat. I'll be okay. MOUSE (Ash): My leather jacket is waterproof! >Pikachu, you go too." CROW: But he's carrying all his other Pokémon on him. Is he perfectly okay with putting *them* in danger? > >Ash turned and started running towards the cabins. As he did, he heard >footsteps behind him. He stopped and looked back. NYANKO: It was Misty... WITH AN AXE! >Misty, Brock, and Pikachu passed him. > >Misty, not pausing to look back, sounding irritated: "Are you coming or >not?!" > >Ash ran and easily caught up with them. Misty growled. Up 'til now, Ash had >always taken the lead, done the hero thing. She would NOT continue acting >like a scared little kitten, hiding behind him all the time. SIREN: I'm glad she feels that risking her own life for a task that should probably only take one person makes her less of a wimp and more of a valiant hero. Because if it wasn't some outward aspect of her personal growth, it would be pretty stupid. MOUSE: Hey, who says that personal growth can't also be stupid? > >Ash, gritting his teeth: "But you can't run fast enough!" CROW (Ash): My brilliant mind has already calculated the amount of time it will take to capsize, the layout of the ship, and how long it will take each of us to get to the room and back, taking into account our running speeds, endurance, and potential obstacles. > >Brock, sweatdropping: "That's why we couldn't come?" > >Ash, yelling angrily: "That's one reason!" NYANKO (Ash): Another reason is that I'm trying to ditch you losers! Get a clue, would you? > >Misty, looking Ash in the eye heatedly: "What kind of Trainer do you think >I am?!" CROW (Ash): Honestly? A pretty crappy one. > >Ash, glaring right back after he jumped over a small cart: "A sensible >one!" SIREN (Brock): Ooh, ooh! Is this a game? I want to play! What kind of trainer do you think *I* am, Ash? > >Misty, bellowing in his face: "I WOULDN'T LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND POKÉMON IN A >SHIP THAT'S GOING TO SINK!" NYANKO (Misty): I couldn't stand being on the sidelines and not being able to do anything! If my friends and Pokémon are in danger, then dammit, I want to *personally* decrease their chances of survival! > >Ash, trying to stop her: "You'll kill yourself! I'm the only one fast >enough!" MOUSE (Ash): That is, once I go Super Sonic... er, I mean, Super Saiya-jin. NYANKO: Same difference. > >Misty, pushing herself away from his grasp, turning her view back the way >she was running: "I don't care! Besides, neither Pikachu or me would let >you die alone! I still have a debt to repay you, whether you like it or >not!" SIREN (Misty): You saved my life, and if I can't repay it in this world, I'll follow you to the next and repay it there! ALL: ... SIREN (Misty): Suddenly that sounds really stupid. > >Without further argument, they got to the suites and got their stuff. As >they were leaving, a shake rocked the ship and Pikachu fell far down the >hall. CROW: ...shakes provoke such violent horizontal movement? NYANKO: Well, they were interrupted during dinner... Pikachu is probably coated with butter in preparation. SIREN: He is *not*! > >Ash: "Pikachu!" > >Pikachu: "PIKA!" 'HELP!' > >Ash ran after Pikachu, and Misty and Brock followed. Pikachu kept sliding, >because the ship suddenly capsized. Ash, Brock, and Misty slid down the >sloping hall. MOUSE: Um... doesn't "capsized" mean the boat is upside down? CROW: Apparently it can also mean it's standing straight up in the water on it's end, causing people to tumble down hallways. >Ash finally reached Pikachu. > >Then, another rock threw him against the wall, and he blacked out. NYANKO: Brock's Geodude... on a mission of *vengeance*. >Misty and Brock also blacked out when they ran into Ash. MOUSE: Wow, Ash is really hard. NYANKO: ... > >Outside, the captain was counting all the people that got off. MOUSE: That captain is a dirty, dirty man. NYANKO: ...Mouse, shut up or, Galaxia help me, I will kill you with my bare hands. > >Captain: "Anyone who isn't here, please raise their hand. (As nobody did) >Right, that's everyone, then." CROW: Gee, good thing this is a perfect world where the designers of the incredibly expensive luxury cruiser foresaw the possibility that it would hit an iceberg and sink, and planned their safety regulations accordingly. Makes things a lot easier than they would be if there, oh, I don't know, weren't enough lifeboats or something. > >Narrator: "Wait, captain! There are still people on board! Our heroes are >trapped and unconscious on the St. Anne! So is Team Rocket! What will >happen to them now?" NYANKO: Well, if Flareon is gunning for reader satisfaction, I think the end result should be obvious. MOUSE: I don't think the characters will die. Flareon still hasn't fully expressed his artistic vision. > >James, popping in, looking disgusted: "Oh shut up, you idiotic sissy!" > >Flareon, surprised: "Who, me?" NYANKO (James): No, your mom. > >James, rolling his eyes: "No, that stupid 'narrator' that you put in these >fics for some stupid reason." SIREN: ...to narrate? MOUSE: I bet the Narrator could take James. CROW: That doesn't mean he's not a sissy. MOUSE: Good point. > >Flareon, scratching his mighty brow: "Oh." > >James, turning to Flareon, growling: "And you!! You said Team Rocket would >reign supreme this time! LIAR!" SIREN (Flareon): Oh, I thought you said you wanted Team Rocket to be *lame* supreme. My mistake. > >Flareon, confused: "Huh?" > >James, glaring at Flareon: "You wrote down in the end of the last fic that >we would steal from the twerp!" CROW: Yea, and so it was written. > >Flareon, smiling: "Yeah?" > >James, yelling: "WELL THE GUY WE STOLE FROM WAS NOT THE TWERP! HE WAS SOME >GUY WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE THAT HAS WIMPY POKÉMON!!" CROW: Wait a second... I just realized! Damien was the only one that Jesse and James took Pokémon from! How the *hell* was he carrying around 72 freaking Pokéballs? NYANKO: It's anime. Maybe Damien has Hammerspace. MOUSE: Does that mean he has oagams, too? NYANKO: ... > >Flareon, innocently: "He's a twerp, in my opinion, and so you stole from a >twerp." MOUSE: Um, but they said they wanted to steal from *the* twerp, not *a* twerp. CROW: [shaking her head] It's a sad day for the English language when definite articles are perceived as interchangeable with indefinite articles. > >James, pouting: "That's not fair..." NYANKO: So take his keyboard again. What's stopping you? > >Flareon, shrugging his mighty shoulders: "That's life, man. End fic." > ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> > >Well, some new information about Spike and Flare. You'd never guess where I >got those names, by the way. NYANKO: Yeah, that would be because we don't care. >Oh, there's an idea! CROW (Flareon): Kill it! >I'll add a question of the fic, along with a poll! > >QOTF (Question Of The Fic) - Do you recognize Spike? Tall, blonde hair, >cold attitude? No, Pokémon fans probably wouldn't...if you do though, don't >get any weird ideas, because I just took the name. NYANKO: That's a shame, Flareon, because making Spike turn out to be an evil, ruthless vampire and having him kill everybody else would definitely redeem you in my eyes. And at this point, not much else could. > >POTF (Poll Of The Fic) - Would do you think, should Misty kiss Ash in the >next fic? SIREN: Umm... didn't we do this question before? >I'm not saying its interactive...like, should Misty kiss Ash without him >knowing it? CROW: ...What would be the point? MOUSE: C'mon, Crow. Nothing says "deep romance" than a one-sided physical gesture of affection that's unacknowledged by the other! >The plot to the next episode is soooo cheesy, I might even change it. ;') NYANKO: Wow. That must be pretty cheesy, alright. Considering what you've allowed yourself to write so far. > >Next fic, Ash and friends (and Team R) CROW: And Team S and Team SuperS. >are underwater, on a sinking ship. SIREN: But, umm, if the ship is already underwater, it's already sunk, isn't it? >What is wrong with Ash, and why isn't he waking up from his impact with the >wall? NYANKO: He's dead? >Is there a way Misty can somehow bestow the kiss of life? NYANKO: No? >And about Team Rocket's new Pokémon...will they help Jesse, James, and >Meowth find their way out of the St. Anne? NYANKO: Please, no? >Find out in the next..."Pokémon, What Legends Are Made Of!" > >{::} ------ [The ANIMAMATES exit the theater. MOUSE is talking to the others, waving her hands excitedly.] MOUSE: ...so I'll have to be lead vocals, of course. In a band called "Ash's Pikachu," it's clearly appropriate to give the mouse the lead role. CROW: Okay, but I call electric guitar. SIREN: [happily] I get to play the bongos! NYANKO: Oh, come *on.* We are *not* forming a band called "Ash's Pikachu." CROW: What, you don't want to be in a band? NYANKO: I didn't say that. But we're going to have to come up with a better name. Maybe, just maybe, we can call ourselves "Team Rocket's Meowth." [GALAXIA, who is being displayed on the viewing screen, clears her throat significantly.] MOUSE: Huh? Oh, hi, Galaxia-sama. GALAXIA: If you people aren't occupied with your *trivial* concerns, might I have a moment of your oh-so-precious time? CROW: Sure, Galaxia. What's up? GALAXIA: Well, everyone, you know how earlier, you were talking about the fact that Pokémon are fully intelligent species unto themselves? CROW: Which time? We've been complaining about that for the entire fanfic so far. GALAXIA: Which time is irrelevant. In any case, I was sort of thinking about it, and I realized that you're right... Pokémon are intelligent, and there's no reason they would be exempt from the phenomena which apply to intelligent species all across the universe. NYANKO: ...what the heck are you talking about, Galaxia? GALAXIA: Hmm... I think I'd better just let my results speak for themselves. [calling to someone off-screen] Come on over, now. [Another figure joins GALAXIA on the viewing screen.] ANIMAMATES: O_o MOUSE: Chuu! NYANKO: What the *hell*? SIREN: Oh my. CROW: But... but... GALAXIA: Yes, I would like you all to meet the latest addition to my elite fighting force: Sailor Nickel Clefairy. CLEFAIRY: Clefairy! 'Yeah, check me out, biz-natches!' [SAILOR NICKEL CLEFAIRY is, as the name implies, a Clefairy. The only things distinguishing her from others of her race are her star-studded choker, her pair of golden Galaxia Bracers, and her skirt.] ANIMAMATES: ... GALAXIA: Yes, as it turns out, the Sailor Crystal for Sailor MoonStone was dormant in the Clefairy population, just waiting for me to seize it. Now she works for me. CLEFAIRY: Clef, Clefairy! 'I'm here to kick Ash and take Star Seeds, and I already kicked Ash!' CROW: But... this is so WRONG! GALAXIA: [defensively] What are you talking about? She's adorable! [holding up a Pokéball] Plus, she fits in this handy little storage device! NYANKO: ...I never wanted to imagine a Clefairy in a skirt. SIREN: I think she's cute. CROW: Siren? Aren't you upset by this? SIREN: Of course not! Galaxia may be enslaving a Pokémon, but at least she recognizes that it's an intelligent being! [GALAXIA looks nervous, and guiltily stashes a box of PokéChow behind her throne while SIREN is distracted.] MOUSE: Yeah, but... guys, think about it. Our job positions were just filled by a *Clefairy*. I feel so humiliated. CLEFAIRY: Fairy, Clefairy! 'Fuck you, lady.' GALAXIA: Oh, don't feel bad on that account, Iron Mouse. Sailor Nickel Clefairy is really quite powerful, especially now that her power has been enhanced by my own! Observe! Sailor Nickel Clefairy, use Galactica Defence Curl! [A force field forms around the CLEFAIRY.] GALAXIA: Galactica Pound! [The CLEFAIRY delivers a crushing blow to the thin air.] GALAXIA: Galactica Sing! [The CLEFAIRY sings a short song. The ANIMAMATES fall asleep.] GALAXIA: Ha hah! It even works over phones! Now, use Galactica Metronome! CLEFAIRY: Fairy! 'Self Destruct!' [The CLEFAIRY explodes in a huge fireball. When the smoke clears, the only things left are her bracers. GALAXIA is quite charred.] GALAXIA: ... [The ANIMAMATES start to wake up.] CROW: [rising to her feet] Woah... that thing really is powerful. SIREN: What else can she do, Galaxia-sama? MOUSE: Hey, where'd she go? NYANKO: And why is your face all covered with soot? GALAXIA: ...She... uh... went off to do incredibly important missions for me that will prove how incredibly useful she is and how incredibly wise I was to recruit her. ALL: ... GALAXIA: And heavy black makeup is in fashion. Yeah. ALL: ... GALAXIA: Oh, get out of here, you idiots! [Four black telephone booths suddenly appear around the ANIMAMATES. Their doors clamp shut and the booths vanish.] GALAXIA: [muttering] Stupid freaking Pokémon... [The scene fades out.] ------ >Ash, over the mike: "EVERYONE! IF THEY CAN TRY TO TAKE OUR POKÉMON WE CAN >TRY TO KEEP THEM! USE YOUR POKÉMON TO ATTACK THEM!" ----- Release 1.1: website link added for release on Everything What is Crap September 21, 2005